Wikidude's Quotes Page #9

Here's the list of quotes submitted by wikidude  —  There are currently 140,397 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Selina:
Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face!

Veep, Season 7  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
I wanna offer Jonah the VP slot.

Kent and Amy:
What?

Selina:
Yeah, it's the only move we have left now, and we're gonna have to get it done today.

Kent:
Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here. You don't have to do this.

Selina:
Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy.

Kent:
Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome!

Selina:
Amy, will you talk some sense into him, please?

Amy:
Don't do it.

Selina:
What?

Amy:
Don't make Jonah your VP.

Selina:
You know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.

Amy:
Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president!

Selina:
Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C. Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I've got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal!

Veep, Season 7  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[The last lines of the series]

Mike:
We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m... [checks earpiece] I'm sorry. Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88. The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia 2 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family. Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old. Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.

Veep, Season 7  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jeff:
Hello, Jonie.

Jonah:
Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.

Jeff:
Now, why do you think I'm here?

Jonah:
To wish me a speedy recovery?

Jeff:
No. Wishes belong at the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children. Actually, I'm here to thank you...

Jonah:
Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.

Jef:
...for shitting the urinal so badly, you made the Hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.

Jonah:
Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown--

Jeff:
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You epileptic Picasso painting!

Shawnee:
Uh, you can't talk to him like that!

Jeff:
[imitating Shawnee] "Uh, you can't talk to him like that!" Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Someone you hired to make sure you don't get erections?

Jonah:
That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.

Shawnee:
Jonah!

Jonah:
Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect!

Jeff:
Tanz? As in Sherman Tanz?

Shawnee:
That's right. He's my father.

Jeff:
Oh, royalty. Well, then, I guess I should say I'm sorry...

Shawnee:
Thank you.

Jeff:
...sorry that you're even related to that human melted candle who puts the "Jew" in "Why people hate Jews". Tell me this, did he sell your training bras as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons? Listen here, Ms. Tranz, as of today, Jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder DeVincentis, so I am pulling this Creature From The Jizz Lagoon right off the New Hampshire Congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra

Jonah:
What?!

Jeff:
Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-headed pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body! The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.

Veep, Season 6  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Dan:
From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells that are too busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.

Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Teddy:
Jonah, we focused tested the ad, and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.

Jonah:
Hey, I don't see vagina color.

Veep, Season 7  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[re:
Selina's team failing to stop the recount and win Nevada]

Selina:
Well, maybe I'll get assassinated.

Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Everyone, except Rack, Shack and Benny, bows down as the intro music to "The Bunny Song" plays]

Mr. Lunt:
[notices that Rack, Shack and Benny aren't bowing] Hey, boss? Those three guys, they don't look like they're bowing.

Mr. Nezzer:
[confused] Hmm... aren't those our new Junior Executives?

Mr. Lunt:
I think so. Maybe they're stuck.

Mr. Nezzer:
Let's find out. [moves the podium over to Rack, Shack and Benny] I said, it's time to sing "The Bunny Song."

[The factory's delivery girl, Laura Carrot, notices the situation]

Laura:
Come on, guys, sing the song! Everybody's doing it.

Mr. Nezzer:
[with increasing frustration] Sing the song!

Mr. Lunt:
They ain't singing, boss.

Mr. Nezzer:
[finally on the brink of losing his temper] SING!

[Shack begins singing "Think Of Me"]

Mr. Nezzer:
Is that "The Bunny Song?"

Mr. Lunt:
[skeptical] No, I don't think so.

Laura:
[worried] Are you crazy? That's the wrong song!

[Shack keeps singing. Rack and Benny join in on the last verse]

Mr. Nezzer:
[touched] Oh, that was wonderful. I'm gonna be singing that song myself... [suddenly angry] as I throw you into the furnace! GUARDS! [Rack, Shack and Benny are shocked] Seize them! Take them to the furnace.

[A band of carrot guards approach Rack, Shack and Benny]

Laura:
I've gotta help them. But how?

[Laura sees her flying delivery truck and approaches it as the scene fades out]

Grandpa George:
[off-camera] Rack, Shack and Benny will be right back, after this short break.

VeggieTales  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[The Veggie kids watch intently as a TV commercial plays]

Wally P. Nezzer:
[dressed as Santa Claus] Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Hey kids, do you have the "don't know what I want for Christmas" blues? If I know my toys, and you know I do, than I know just what you're looking for. You want a toy that's fun. You want a toy that's cute. Most importantly, you want a toy with a fully-functioning buzzsaw in his right hand. That's right, you want Buzz-Saw Louie!

[camera shows the toy and demonstrates the buzzsaw]

Mr. Nezzer:
Cool, huh? But wait, there's more! Buzz-Saw Louie also knows the true meaning of Christmas. All you have to do is push his nose and... [presses the Louie's nose]

Buzzsaw Louie:
Christmas is when you get stuff! You need more toys!

Mr. Nezzer:
Getting your own doll is easy. Just have your parents place an order, and one of our trained penguins will deliver it right to your door.

Announcer:
Delivery not available to Pugslyville due to the collapse of the Pugslyville Bridge.

Mr. Nezzer:
So take it from me, Mr. Nezzer... I mean, Santa Claus and his little elf helper.

Mr Lunt:
[wearing pointed ears and hat] Look at me, I'm an elf!

Mr. Nezzer:
You just won't be happy until you have Buzz-Saw Louie, the only toy with a working buzzsaw and the true meaning of Christmas.

Buzzsaw Louie:
Billy has more toys than you.

VeggieTales  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Goliath:
Who will fight me?!

Dave:
I will fight you, Goliath!

Jimmy:
[to Tom and Jerry] You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say that sounded like Dave!

Tom:
[laughs] Well, yeah! [spots Dave running out onto the battlefield] You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say that looks like Dave!

Dave's Brothers:
[shocked] Huh?! [Dave smiles at his brothers] DAVE?! [Jimmy faints]

Bob the Tomato:
[narrating] Goliath was equally surprised.

Goliath:
Who said that?

Dave:
[clears throat] I did!

Goliath:
Huh? [sees Dave] Oh ho ho! Am I a dog that you come at me with sticks?

[Philistines laugh]

Dave:
I don't exactly know what you mean, but you are not a dog! You're just a really big guy who wants to beat me up! And I come at you not with sticks, but in the name of the God of Israel, who this day will help me defeat you!

Goliath:
We will see who defeats who! Now we fight!

Jean-Claude:
It's showtime!

VeggieTales  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[The Philistines, portrayed by the French Peas, are taunting the Israelites from across the battlefield]

Jean-Claude:
Hello, Israelites! You are pigs, and soon we will put apples in your mouths and stick you in our toaster ovens! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Christophe:
Ah, yes, after we defeat you, you will be our slaves and you will have to fetch us our slippers.

Jean-Claude:
Yes, and iron our trousers!

Christophe:
Ho-ho, and wipe our little noses.

Jean-Claude:
Ha-ha, and scratch that spot on our backs that we cannot reach no matter how hard we try. Ha! [no response from the Israelites] Don't you have anything to say?

Jimmy:
Um... Do you guys have any fried chicken? I've got a real hankering for fried chicken.

Jerry:
Yeah, me, too!

Jean-Claude:
[to Christophe] This is going to be easier than we thought.

VeggieTales  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[A sheep falls over by Jimmy]

Jimmy Gourd:
Oh, Dave! One of my sheep fell over! Will you come pick it up for me?

Dave (Junior Asparagus):
[struggling to pick up another sheep] I'm kinda busy right now.

Jimmy:
[miffed] Do you remember the time we dipped you in tar and stuck you to the backside of an angry water buffalo?

Dave:
I'll be right there!

[Another sheep falls over by Tom]

Tom Grape:
Hey, Dave! One of my sheep fell, too!

Dave:
Just a minute!

[Jerry knocks over a row of sheep]

Jerry Gourd:
[smugly] Oh, look! All of my sheep fell over. Dave!

Jimmy:
Oh, Dave! After you pick up our sheep, could you run and get me a bite to eat? I'm famished!

Jerry:
Oh, yeah! Me, too! Get me something, too!

Jimmy:
You know, sometimes I think I could eat a whole camel!

Jerry:
Oh, yeah? Well, sometimes I think I could eat a whole spaceship!

Jimmy:
[confused] Uh, what's a spaceship?

Jerry:
I have no idea.

VeggieTales  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Mohammed Al Jaffar:
OK, so Lou wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil. You leave Friday.

Selina:
That's so funny, because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong.

Gary:
It's Kismet.

Selina:
I know, it really is, isn't it?

Gary:
No, her name is Kismet.

Veep, Season 6  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Ben:
[to Selina on her first day as VP] Ma'am, you need to understand that the president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman - which you're doing a pretty okay job at.

Veep, Season 6  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Furlong:
Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in D.C. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for Oliver!.

Veep, Season 6  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Gary:
Oh my, look at those curtains! Where can I get those?

Nyaring Ayun:
I made them from my husband's death shroud.

Selina:
Oh... what a touching tribute, Nyaring.

Nyaring Ayun:
No, it was a purposeful desecration of a man who beat and raped me.

Selina:
Well, they go with everything.

Veep, Season 6  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
[to Mike regarding his sunscreen] You look like the world's least fucked geisha.

Veep, Season 6  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
General George Washington could come out of his grave and I would rather eat his zombified, wooden asshole twice a day than be his Vice fucking, fucking anything.

Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Mike:
I hope Mee-Maw's okay.

Selina:
She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.

Gary:
It's true.

Selina:
She's like that guy... that guy...

Gary:
Lazarus.

Selina:
Rasputin.

Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Bob the Tomato:
Boy, I sure am glad they got that straightened out.

Larry the Cucumber:
Yep, the grapes were really sorry this time, so once again, Junior forgave them.

[The scenes cuts back to the story]

Junior Asparagus:
[angrily] What?!

Larry (voice-over):
I said, "once again, Junior forgave them."

Junior:
Are you serious?!?

[The scene cuts back to the Countertop]

Larry:
Well, I think so. Bob am I serious?

Bob:
Oh yeah, Larry. Yeah, y-you're serious. Mmm-hmm.

[The scene cuts back to the story]

Junior:
I'm supposed to forgive them again? After what they just did to me?!

[The scene cuts back to the Countertop]

Larry:
Well, uh... yeah.

[The scene cuts back to the story]

Junior:
Sure, I forgave them for calling me "Bean Boy" and saying I had cheese on my head. But now they're making fun of my name and they laughed when the hoe almost smacked my face CLEEEEAAAAN off, and then the truck picked me up and threw me in the sand! And you're telling me, I'm supposed to forgive them AGAIN!?!

Larry:
Um, well, are you guys really sorry?

Tom and Rosie:
We're sorry, and we'll never do it again!

VeggieTales  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Tom and Rosie begin slinging nonsensical insults at each other]

Tom Grape:
Hey! What'd you do that for?

Rosie Grape:
I didn't do it! You did, ya big possum head!

Tom:
I did not, you taco salad rabbit nose!

Rosie:
You did too, casserole-head, pimento-loaf, iguana boy!

Tom:
Pa!

Pa Grape:
[gets out of the car] Now, Rose, apologize to your brother.

Rosie:
Huh? What for?

Pa:
Well, you know he just turned 18 years old.

Rosie:
Yeah, so?

Pa:
So that would make him a casserole-head, pimento-loaf, iguana man!

Rosie:
Oh, yeah, sorry about that, [under breath] cabbage-nosed Elvis puppy.

Tom:
Yeah, and don't you forget it!

VeggieTales  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jeff:
Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.

Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?

Marjorie:
Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.

Selina:
Well, that's terrifying.

Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
If you think you're getting those worthless toy boats by now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a fucking sweatshirt.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
Let's cut the shit, Selina.

Selina:
Oh, here it is.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
All roads go through Colorado, and the toll just went up.

Selina:
You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen, cause if I don't win the White House, O'Brien is going to sink your stupid little boats. Then you're going to look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980's-mother-of-the-bride dress. And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny. Then, I will have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
Good God.

Selina; So, can I count on your vote, or do I need to shove up a box of White House M&M's up your stretched up, six-baby-vag?

Congresswoman Nickerson:
[gulps] You can count on my vote.

Selina:
I think I want to hear an 'Okey dokey, Annie Oakley'.

Congresswoman Nickerson:
Okey dokey, Annie Oakley.

Selina:
Oh, super duper, Trooper. Now get the fuck out of here, congresswoman.

Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

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In which movie does this quote appear: "Houston, we have a problem"?
A Conquest of Space
B 2001: A Space Odyssey
C Star Trek Generations
D Apollo 13