Black Books

Bernard:
[selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but it's quite short.

Bernard:
Whores will have their trinkets.

Bernard:
Lies! Subterfuge! Seething Corruption!

Manny:
What's the "L" for?

Bernard:
Ludwig, you know, like Beethoven.

Manny:
Beethoven? Why would your parents... [Bernard gives him a stern look]

Fran:
[Bernard is hooked on poker but has run up huge debts, his creditors demand payment or they will repossess his shop or cut his legs off. He turns to Fran and Manny for help] Ugh. Manny, do you still have those funny looking sunglasses you got in Whitstable?

Manny:
Yeah, they're in the bathroom. You think they're funny looking? [Fran nods]

Bernard Black:
I'm going to be made homeless and short and you're chatting.

Fran:
Relax. Everything's going to be fine.

Fran:
[posing as loud American tourists] Look. A real English bookie. There. Are you happy now?

Manny:
What is this with the tiny television? Why can't we go someplace and play cards?

Fran:
Why you wanna play cards? You lose!

Martin:
I couldn't help overhearing. I know of a game if you're interested.

Fran:
Anything. Anything to shut him up. Hey mister, do you mind if I sit in? I wanna make sure he doesn't lose too much. Hundred grand here, hundred grand there - it adds up.

Martin:
That's not gonna be a problem.

Bernard:
Ha-ha! Naughty little passport! Hiding in the crisps again!

[discussing what film to see at the cinema]

Bernard:
What's this? "'Blue Tunes' - Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Minnie Driver...

Fran:
Oh, I hate her.

Bernard:
...Grouchy Leonard Blue runs a second hand record shop with his half-wit mustachioed assistant Danny...

[Manny tuts]

Bernard:
...when this zany pair team up with bitchy, neurotic neighbour Pam things are sure to be a riot of laughs". Where do they get this crap?

Bernard:
[to Manny] Get away from me! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends. You have brought nothing but pain, penury, and strife into my days. I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence. Here's your redundancy package, here; I'm sorry most of it's in Fenobian wooden dollars, but that's largely your fault! Now good luck, and goodbye!

Bernard:
A HA! Naughty little passport! Hiding in the crisps again!

Manny:
[Reading a movie review from the newspaper] Regression,Richard Geer: He has to kill himself to go back to the past to rescue himself as a child,so that he can grow up to kill himself to go back in the past to rescue himself as a child,so he can grow up...

Bernard:
No!What's this? [reading from the paper] Blue Tunes,Matt Damon,Ben Affleck,Minnie Driver: Bernard Blue runs a second hand records shop with his half-wit mustachioed assistant Danny.The zany pair team up with bitchy neurotic neighbor Pam,things are sure to be a riot of laughs.Where do they get this crap!

Bernard:
Forget your beaches and jungles;we're going somewhere where I can read,sit,and have a quiet drink.

Manny:
So your ideal holiday would in fact be here?

Bernard:
Correct.So find somewhere exactly like this.

[Manny comes into the kitchen wearing a plastic bag]

Bernard Black:
Did you get the lobsters?

[Bernard hits the bag]

Bernard Black:
Put them in the pot!

Manny:
[while pouring the lobsters into the pot] What's it gonna be?

Bernard Black:
Our signature dish: Luxury pie! The food of kings!

[Bernard turns to the stove]

Bernard Black:
Truffles! Saffron! Caviar! And champagne!

[Bernard pours a bottle of champagne into the pot]

Manny:
[while presenting a strainer] Drizzle it, drizzle it!

Bernard:
My oven can cook bits of oven!

Manny:
Bernard...

Bernard:
Don't start, customer lover.

Manny:
I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.

Bernard:
What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.

Manny:
It needs doing.

Bernard:
It's charming. It has character.

Bernard:
Half ten? Half ten? I've never been up at half ten! What happens?

Fran:
Finished with your accounts?

Bernard:
Yes. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

Manny:
I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness.

Manny:
I could do your accounts.

Bernard:
What?

Manny:
I'm an accountant. I was. It's the least I could do

Bernard:
You mean you could do more?

Manny:
Yeah.

Bernard:
Could I have a glass of wine?

Manny:
OK.

Bernard:
And a ham sandwich?

Manny:
If you like.

Bernard:
With pickle?

Manny:
I've swallowed the Little Book of Calm.

Bernard:
[to a cluster of skinheads] Which one of you b*tches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right. This is you, okay? [prances about] Tra-la-la! [stops] Millwall! That's the one! Do you know this chant? 'Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... ' [three men punch him in the face at once]

[to his previous boss in an accounting firm]

Manny:
Should I be doing something? Do you need the Gleeson accounts? I have them on disk, I would have emailed them, but there was a lot of... clink on the... stuffer expander. And the plug went in some Tizer.

[Whilst vainly trying to fill in his tax return form]

Bernard:
If you live in a council flat... next to a river... but are not blind... WHAT?

Bernard:
[customer buying book, hands it to Bernard] Oh, we've got a special offer on this one.

Customer:
Really?

Bernard:
Yeah, it's free if you break my legs.

Customer:
[pauses] Fair enough

Bernard:
GREAT! I'll get the hobbling post, there! [Waits for the customer to respond]

Customer:
Wait, I think I've read this one, that's the problem with Woodhouse isn't it?

Bernard:
It's all terrible, just hurry up and break my legs!

Customer:
But I've already read it! No, I'm sorry, I've got to go!

Bernard:
[speaking through a megaphone] Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out! Time to go home, come on!

Old Woman:
But it's only quarter to three!

Bernard:
Yes, but it's my shop.

[now shooing them out with a broom]

Bernard:
Come on, go home, bye bye, get out...

Old Woman:
That's hardly fair!

Bernard:
It isn't fair at all. Get out!

Rich Guy:
I expect better service!

Bernard:
Well, expect away. Goodbye! Come on, all you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets. Thank you!

[slams door]

Manny:
[while assimilating the Little Book of Calm] When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate. Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.

Rich Guy:
Those books. How much?

Bernard:
Hmmm?

Rich Guy:
Those books. The leather-bound ones.

Bernard:
Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.

Rich Guy:
Are they real leather?

Bernard:
They're real Dickens.

Rich Guy:
I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.

[Bernard looks confused]

Rich Guy:
Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.

Bernard:
Two hundred what?

Rich Guy:
Two hundred pounds.

Bernard:
Are they leather-bound pounds?

Rich Guy:
No.

Bernard:
Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.

Fran:
I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

[on being a pregnant woman's 'birth partner']

Bernard:
Urk. That's going to be intense, a lot of blood, a lot of shouting, and urm...

Fran:
Oh, no no no, I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk, it'll be just like the old days.

[when being asked to explain his 'filing system' by his accountant]

Bernard:
I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonder Woman.

[to a pregnant woman in labour, having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm"]

Manny:
When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.

[having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm"]

Manny:
Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.

[having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm", after being punched by a skinhead]

Manny:
Add a dab of lavender to milk; leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

[to three violent skinheads]

Bernard:
Hey, you know when you're doing the usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?

Jehovah's Witness:
Hello. We're wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.

Bernard:
[pause] Great! Come in!

Jehovah's Witness:
What?

Bernard:
I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to now?

Jehovah's Witness:
It's a trap!

Manny:
Now, picture the ocean... AGH! AAGH! Oh, oh, a calm ocean!

Nick Voleur:
Now Bernard. About this new filing system you were telling me about.

Bernard:
Ah yes well [reaches into pocket and takes out handful of receipts] This is March to... boobelyboo [takes out more receipts] this is err... misc [takes out more receipts] and this is... other.

Nick Voleur:
Bernard. This new filing system. It's very closely modeled on the old one isn't it?

Bernard:
Well Nick I'd actually go further than that. I'd say it was more or less exactly... the same...

[after Manny has swallowed "The Little Book Of Calm"]

Doctor:
Well, it's bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Bianco. 'The Little Book of Calm' has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.

Manny:
Oh my God!

Doctor:
No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows?

Manny:
Oh my God!

Doctor:
Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain...

Manny:
[interrupting] Oh my God! Oh, sorry.

Doctor:
...during that time.

Manny:
Oh my God!

[the Doctor's beeper goes]

Doctor:
Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says,

[holding the X-Ray up to the light]

Doctor:
'whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island'.

[attempting to fill in his tax return form]

Bernard:
"What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do.

[writing on the form]

Bernard:
'Ma. Possibly deceased'.

Doctor:
How do you feel by the way?

Manny:
Add a drop of lavender to your bath,and soon,you'll soak yourself calm!

Fran:
[to the mysterious lighter] Helloooo?

Fran:
It's sort of a bald Furby?

Fran:
What is this? What is this? Can you please tell me what the Hell this is?

Manny:
Well, instead of the? um? academic and the journalist's daughter? um? perhaps it could be about an elephant?

Bernard:
An elephant?

Manny:
That's right.

Bernard:
I see. What's your other suggestion?

Manny:
Well? um? instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um? it could be about losing a balloon.

Bernard:
An elephant who loses his balloon?

Manny:
That's it.

Bernard:
But, but it would still be my story in essence?

Manny:
Oh, yeah.

Bernard:
My vision?

Manny:
Completely.

Bernard:
Yes, all right! Let's do that, then!

[Manny reads "The Elephant and the Balloon", the children's book he and Bernard have spent all night writing]

Manny:
There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth.

Manny, Bernard:
It's not there either.

Manny:
Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree!

Manny, Bernard:
He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.

Manny:
Bernard, it's hot in the worm.

Bernard:
It couldn't be simpler. You've got the academic who survived the Stalinist purges and is now having flashbacks to that time. There's his daughter whose long bitter marriage is falling apart around her and the journalist who's investigating the academic because he suspects he was never in Russia at the time and then he falls obsessively in love with the daughter and sacrifices his career to become a lense grinder in Omsk.

Claire:
I've got a job and a family.

Tanya:
I've got a career.

Becky:
And I'm getting married.

Tanya:
And you're still the same old Auntie Millicent.

Fran:
Who's Auntie Millicent?

Claire:
It's what we used to call you, because we knew you'd turn into a crazy spinster!

Tanya:
And you have! Hanging out with those two freaks from the bookshop.

Becky:
Oh it was wasn't it! Auntie Millicent who lived in the crooked house.

Claire:
With lots of cats!

Tanya:
I was just waiting for the right time to tell you.

Fran:
What? Like her anniversary or something?

Fran:
Well, at least I didn't have a threesome with Mark on the night of the school reunion. Oh dear, did I just say that?

Timmy:
[Bernard is smoking and eating an ice cream] My father says smoking makes you dead. You go all black inside.

Timmy's Mother:
Timmy? I'm sorry, is he annoying you?

Bernard:
No, but I'm afraid we don't allow ice creams in the shop.

Timmy:
I haven't got an ice cream.

Bernard:
[Bernard has hidden his ice cream in Timmy's pocket] I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib.

Timmy's Mother:
Outside now. I'm so sorry.

Bernard:
Not at all.

Manny:
'My, what a lovely carrot' said the hippo. 'Yes, but is it organic?' said the rabbit in a squeaky voice.

Mother:
[deleted scene] Hello, do you have the latest in the Doom Castle series?

Bernard:
The what?

Mother:
You know, it's the books where there's a group of children and they worship a horned god.

Manny:
Yes, it's right here. Anything that gets them reading, eh?

Bernard:
6.66

Mother:
All her friends love it too, they come round and have their little ceremonies, don't you dear?

Girl:
We observe the sacred rites. As all must.

Manny:
Well, instead of the... um... academic and the journalist's daughter... um... perhaps it could be about an elephant?

Bernard:
An elephant?

Manny:
That's right.

Bernard:
I see. What's your other suggestion?

Manny:
Well... um... instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um... it could be about loosing a balloon.

Bernard:
An elephant who looses his balloon?

Manny:
That's it.

Bernard:
But, but it would still be my story in essence?

Manny:
Oh, yeah.

Bernard:
My vision?

Manny:
Completely.

Bernard:
Yes, alright! Let's do that, then!

Bernard:
We're on the pig's back, charging through a velvet field.

Bernard:
Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...

Manny:
Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes...

Bernard:
[hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

Fran:
[the girls have a group hug until Fran breaks it, bee-lining for her bag] Now... BOOZE!

Becky:
[Fran unpacks two wine bottles and places them on the table. Becky looks disappointed] Oh.

Claire:
[Hesitant] Is that enough?

Tanya:
[Fran unpacks three more wine bottles and places them on the table. Tanya is excited] Oh great! We've got loads!

Fran:
[Fran unpacks arm-fulls of wine and covers the table with them while her friends look on in shock]

Tanya:
[Sarcastically] Did you bring anything else, Doctor Death?

Fran:
Just this... [Fran holds up a large wine bottle marked 'Life Cry' with a wounded polar bear on the label]

Claire:
[Claire stares in disbelief] Oh god. 'Life Cry'.

Becky:
[Becky stares in horror] I haven't seen that since our school reunion.

Fran:
[Fran gives them a wicked smile as she lovingly cradles the bottle] Ahhh. You always know you're in for a good night when there a polar bear bleeding on the label.

Manny:
How about a London Pigeon?

Bernard:
No, that makes me cringe.

Becky:
Quiet, Taanya!

Fran:
If I told you the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think I was mad?

Bernard:
No, I would ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.

Fran:
Look, if you don't believe me you can come 'round and we'll watch the walls.

Manny:
Don't be ridiculous. You'll be staying in watching the thermometer with me, won't you Bernard?

Bernard:
Oh, I dunno, walls, thermometers, it's an impossible decision. I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

Bernard:
Courtship calls. I'm going to get Alice some chocolates and flowers and chocolate flowers and florets of chocolate. I'm sending a truckload of woo.

Manny:
The heating's on!

Bernard:
I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees.

Fran:
You bastard! You nine-sided whore!

Bernard:
What are you doing?

Room 2B Occupant:
I'm literally jumping for joy. This is going to be the best summer ever! I love you!

Bernard:
I hope you're wearing your Heat-B-Gone booties.

Bernard:
Get out! Women think you're my girlfriend.

Fran:
Just a few hours please? I'm lying there writhing, all sticky and glistening...

Bernard:
Stop. It!

Female holidaymaker:
Hi, we're looking for...

[Bernard hands her a copy of Tempapocalypse]

Bernard:
Here's one for you.

Female holidaymaker:
How do you know what we both want?

Male holidaymaker:
We don't like the same stuff.

Bernard:
You're going on holiday. You want trash. But different kinds of trash. You, you want social themes, believable characters. You, you want suspense, thriller. This does you both. It's this temp. She's 29 and she can't get a boyfriend. Oh my god.

Female holidaymaker:
Sounds great.

Male holidaymaker:
No way.

Bernard:
And she's got 12 hours to stop a nuclear war with China.

Male holidaymaker:
Well, one copy each!

Manny:
Can I sleep at yours?

Fran:
There's no room!

Room 2B Occupant:
[reading one of Bernard's poems to her] Think of a bee. You are its knees. You waft through me like a summer's breeze. Can I come round on Tuesday please?

Bernard:
Feng Shui is nine tenths of the law.

Bernard:
Don't block the frock.

Manny:
She's not even sweating. Has she not glands?

Fran:
Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?

Bernard:
No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.

Manny:
Is space hot?

Bernard:
Of course it is, where do you think we get pineapples from?

Landlord:
Girls! Girls! Girls! You're both such lovely girls! Don't fight. And if you do, fight nice. With pillows. And jim-jams.

[On learning that his summer girlfriend doesn't fancy him]

Bernard:
No! No! You're my summer girlfriend - you don't get angry. You throw your hair back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Aunty Nibs used to do.

[Fran's landlord is in his office, eating. Bernard walks in]

Bernard:
Not so fast. I represent Fran Katzenjammer from room 2. She's my client, and I'm a hotshot lawyer like you would've seen on... television.

Landlord:
So what's the problem, exactly?

Bernard:
My client's room is smaller. And as you know, it is illegal to sell space under the European Legislation act, which happens... in a court.

Landlord:
Her room's the same as it's always been. I can give you the measurements if you want?

Bernard:
Don't evade the question.

Landlord:
Eh?

Bernard:
Just answer the question!

Landlord:
What question?

Bernard:
Huh? Oh, right, sorry. Um... where were you when the rooms were measured?

Landlord:
Oh, I was...

Bernard:
Ahahahaha! Ah, so if that's the case, then where was the room?

Landlord:
2B has always been there, you can see it for yourself.

Bernard:
You're damn right I will, before I send this whole building downtown to the boys in the lab. I'm confiscating these as evidence...

[he picks up a packet of buns]

Bernard:
And I'm issuing you with a decree of sub... dew... dee. Subjudy! You are under legal subjudy to stay in that chair until such time as, erm... until Simon says stand up!

Bernard:
You've got yourself a case, you should get a lawyer.

Manny:
Expensive though. Maybe get someone to pretend to be a lawyer.

Bernard:
Yeah, get someone who's a bit like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked, a real bastard.

[Manny and Fran stare at Bernard]

Bernard:
No, I'm not doing it.

Fran:
Oh, go on! And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference! I'll lie, I'll say you were... okay.

Bernard:
Alright, deal.

Bernard:
No, I'm not 12.

Builder:
Poor bloke. Dave's Syndrome.

Bernard:
You're my oldest friend. Don't you think it's about time we admitted how we feel about each other. Just for the summer?

Fran:
No. I don't. I think we should wait.

Bernard:
Until when?

Fran:
Until at least one of us is dead.

Bernard:
Look at her. She looks like she washes her hair in streams and milks things.

Fran:
You can forget your summer bunny, mister.

Manny:
Will you stay with me?

Bernard:
No, I'm a boyfriend now. I have duties. Lots of sighing, holding hands, not finishing sentences properly...

Bernard:
[Bernard watches a beautiful woman walk by] Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.

Fran:
You haven't stared at me...

Bernard:
You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.

Book Return Man:
[brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money

Bernard:
[grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand!

[collects some onto his finger]

Bernard:
Manny!

[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]

Manny:
[tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.

Bernard:
[to customer] Get out!

[shoves his book back into his hands]

Book Return Man:
Damn!

[leaves]

Fran:
Well if you don't believe me you can come round tonight and we'll watch the wall!

Manny:
Don't be ridiculous;we'll be staying in watching the thermometer,won't we Bernard?

Bernard:
I don't know,it's an impossible choice;walls,thermometers,I just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

Fran:
[to Bernard] You bastard! You nine-sided whore!

Fran:
Yes, I'm offering you me. To enjoy like an ?clair, or a Day at the Zoo.

Manny:
[Manny and Bernard are drinking wine] This is a farmyard of wine...

Bernard:
It's like looking into the eye of a duck...

Manny:
And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

Fran:
I've got a date. Ben, divorcee, very good-looking... nice arse. Which is a first for me.

Bernard:
Never had a nice one?

Fran:
No, never. And I know they exist because I've seen them on the telly. You had one?

Bernard:
Well, there was this one woman, Janine. I don't know if it was "nice", but it was... huge! So there was this enormous sense of value.

Manny:
Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe.

Bernard:
It's all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste.

Manny:
Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?

Bernard:
It's some sort of delicious biscuit.

Manny:
It's a coaster!

Bernard:
Are there any more?

Bernard:
[gibbering] They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do... to create a new strain of super-wine in a half an hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. "Bernard Black, he's mad," they'd say. "He's insane. He's dangerous." Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!

Bernard:
I don't trust him. He has no nasal hair.

Manny:
You are a filth *wizard*. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look?

[he opens a pizza box]

Bernard:
Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. *Everybody* does that. That's *normal*. You are just *looking* for things to complain about.

Manny:
And what are these?

Bernard:
...wasps.

Manny:
I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Fran:
Oh, would you just look at these breasts...

Fran:
I am a giant ear, waiting for your songs of niceness.

Manny:
The way he's captured the look-the way the cow's looking over there and we can't see what the cow's seeing. You know maybe the artist's saying cow's know something... we don't.

Cleaner:
I want to clean your dusty cups from the inside out.

Bernard:
No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.

Manny:
Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bazillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?

Bernard:
Some sort of delicious biscuit.

Manny:
It's a coaster.

Manny:
Is it? Are there any more?

Fran:
How often do you talk to your mother?

Ben:
The normal amount, really, four or five times a day.

Bernard:
[Cleaner appears from nowhere] GAH! Who are you?

Cleaner:
[sinister, ethereal] Who am I? I'll tell you who I am! I'm the Cleaner!

Young Monk:
Father, you're crying!

Fran:
What have all these people got in common? Elton John, Ian McKellen and Jean Paul Gautier?

Ben:
Well, they're all fabulous!

Fran:
Just a hunch...

Ben:
You've saved my life Fran. I've been fighting this for so long, but why am I fighting? Thank you!

Fran:
[scoffing tons of ice-cream] I'm happy. I'm really so happy for you.

Abbott:
There is a prophesy that grapes grown from the thorn of a rose can make a wine suitable for the Holy Father himself!

Bernard:
Old wine is good wine.

Manny:
Ah, but expensive wine is good wine.

Bernard:
Ah, but the older it is, the better it is.

Manny:
Yes, but the more expensive it is, the gooder it is.

Bernard:
How much does it say it was worth?

Manny:
?7000!

Bernard:
Well, I've got three fifty, how much have you got?

Bernard:
Look! [the headline says "Pope killed by inferior wine, man held"] It's my birthday!

[having been arranged as an "escort" to a visiting Japanese businessman by a photographer]

Manny:
There is no way I'm going to the casino, alright? Now look, you have given me everything that money can buy. Yes, I've slept on satin sheets, I've eaten crinkle-cut chips from a silver bowl, I've been driven all over town in minicabs. But there are some things that money can't buy. Like the love I found in a little bookshop off Russell Square. Yes, love. You know, not, well, not love so much more... more... freedom! You know, fre... well, not really freedom, more a largeness of heart. Well, not really a largeness of heart... or freedom... or love. But I was never contractually obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen, alright? And that is not nothing, that is something.

Bernard:
[talking about David Beckham] I know him. He cried during the Cup and now he sells crisps.

[Manny has got a new, extravagant hairstyle, big sunglasses and is drinking an espresso]

Manny:
[snaps Fingers] Check please.

Bernard:
[phone rings] Manny? Manny, phone. Manny.

[sigh]

Bernard:
Oh, I'll get it, shall I?

[picks up]

Bernard:
Hello?

Manny:
[on phone] Bernard?

Bernard:
Manny. Where are you? The phone's been ringing.

[after Manny has ran away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities over the phone]

Fran:
Well, where is he? How can I find him?

Bernard:
Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

Fran:
Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...

Bernard:
Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

Fran:
You said he had a funny smell.

Bernard:
He did. He did. He had a living beetroot smell.

Bernard:
Stop talking goo!

Fran:
Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?

Bernard:
Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Bernard:
The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile.

Bernard:
What other grown man cuts soldiers for his runny egg and then divides them into rank?

Manny Bianco:
Just a bit of fun.

Bernard:
You won't mind if I eat this one?

Manny Bianco:
Don't touch the colonel... It'll upset the rest of the men.

Manny Bianco:
I suggest you wash your own socks, if you can chisel them out of your shoes.

Fran:
If I was any more relaxed, you could pour me into a bowl.

Eva:
You sit here, I'll rustle us up some naughty rice cakes.

Eva:
Fran, we're going to have to fix you.

Eva:
How about a treat?

Fran:
It's not that carrot thing again?

First Customer:
Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.

Bernard:
Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Fran:
So what's it like then? The fags and booze.

Bernard:
Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran:
Yep...

Bernard:
You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

Fran:
Yep...

Bernard:
..."This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

Bernard:
According to this it's dangerous being in the same room as you.

Shrink:
[Doesn't ever say anything]

Bernard:
[upon evicting Manny] Up with this I will not put. Pack and begone!

Manny:
Bernard, No! Look at yourself, who's going to look after you? You can't live on the mushrooms in your hair!

Bernard:
I'm fine! [pulls a mushroom from behind his ear and eats it]

Evan:
I took a risk when I hired you, Manny. Many people would have said 'Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?'

Evan:
Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you.

Bernard:
Up with this I will not put!

Evan:
What do you see when you look at me, Manny? I'll tell you what. You see me and you think to yourself, "Hey! There's Evan. He's a young guy. He listens to the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter - LETS SEE HOW FAR I CAN PUSH HIM!"

Bernard:
[Evan has come to get Manny] Get your own human plaything!

Evan:
Manny, in two years you could have been deputy-junior-sub-assistant! But you're not! You're here, rolling around on the ground like the worm you are!

[Bernard and Fran are spying on Manny who is now working for a rival bookstore]

Bernard:
Look at him! He's half Iago, Half Fu Manchu, all bastard!

Fran:
Manny? Bernard?

Bernard:
Oh. It's you. Go round the green binbags. Turn right at the mouldy George Elliot, forward, forward and turn left at the dead badger.

Fran:
Bernard, are you alright?

Bernard:
Never better. I've discovered television.

Fran:
Where's Manny?

Bernard:
Him? He left. That's what happens when you love someone and nurture them and take care of them.

Fran:
You mean you fired him.

Bernard:
There may have been an incident involving a hand and a kitchen item and maybe the item was a sandwich toaster and maybe the hand was Manny's and maybe I introduced them to one another.

Fran:
So he's gone.

Bernard:
Oh no, he still sleeps here, burrowed in like the little tick he is. But he leaves every day. Every day is another betrayal.

Bernard:
Look at him. He's bending down now. He's standing up now. I knew he'd do that.

Fran:
Is this really helping.

Manny:
No, wait a minute. This is all about you, isn't it Fran? You're being totally selfish. Why can't you let us have our vicious, soul-destroying break up in peace.

Bernard:
He's right. We are in pieces and you don't care about anything except having somewhere to hang around.

Manny:
Uh, thanks.

Bernard:
Not at all. It's never going to be like it was Fran.

Manny:
Never! I agree.

Bernard:
We agree. Manny and I are at poles on every point.

Manny:
Well put.

Bernard:
Thank you.

Manny:
My pleasure.

Bernard:
Haven't you got other friends to annoy? Why don't you go and persecute them?

Manny:
Yeah, society lady? How come you went to Cornwall on your own?

Fran:
I've got friends.

Bernard:
Well, go to them.

Fran:
I will.

Manny:
Don't let us stop you.

Fran:
I won't.

Evan:
One of our valued younger customers has blocked up the toilet with monster munch. I need that toilet back in play. How can we make that happen? How can we solve that as a team?

Manny:
Well, we could phone for a plumb...

Evan:
[hands Manny a bucket and rubber gloves] Go team!

Fran:
I have to have somewhere to go Manny. And if you don't come back to the shop? I'll just have to live here.

Manny:
I'm not going back. I've got respect and responsibility. I've got a 'duty to do'.

Bernard:
Manny, I'm sorry... I'm sorry I ever let you in here, to rob me of my best years before leaving me a burnt out husk.

Bernard:
Don't ask questions, just do it! And clean this place up, it's a disgrace! And polish the stair rails! De-louse the duvet! Tumble dry our doilies! And hoover the roof! And whistle down the chimneys!

Bernard:
Get your own Human Plaything!

Bernard:
You there - Lord of the Rings, Let's talk about how this whole, er, one-day-trial thing is going. At the moment you're fired.

Fran:
So Manny, tell us about yourself.

Manny:
Well, I was born in London...

Bernard:
Not so fast, David Copperfield. If you're going to go that far back we're going to need popcorn or something.

Manny:
Well, what can I tell you, I moved around a lot, saw a lot of army bases.

Fran:
Oh, was your dad in the army?

Manny:
No, just a coincidence.

Manny:
This place could look all right, you know, with a few lamps.

Bernard:
Why didn't you just say you were gay?

Manny:
I'm not.

Bernard:
But you're interested in lamps.

Manny:
Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps. I thought you were actually. Gay, I mean

Bernard:
So did I, for a short while, but then I learnt of the prohibitive standards of hygiene, and all that *dancing*

Fran Katzenjammer:
[storms in, furious]

Bernard:
What did I do?

Fran Katzenjammer:
[throws a book at him]

Bernard:
What did I do?

Fran Katzenjammer:
Did you tell Manny he was fired?

Bernard:
You nearly hurt me in the shoulder then.

Fran Katzenjammer:
Did you?

Bernard:
Yes, well, maybe a little bit.

Fran Katzenjammer:
You need someone normal around here.

Bernard:
Normal? He's normal is he? And what am I then?

Fran Katzenjammer:
You're a freak, Bernard, you know that.

Manny:
[entertaining customers in Bernard's absence] Who will buy my books today / All the authors on display / Some of Dickens and some of Shaw's / Peter Bletchley... he wrote Jaws. / Oh who will buy my books today / "Who's in the books?" I hear you say, /Leopold Bloom and Josef K, And Bridget Jones. / Who will buy my books today? / "Why read books?" I hear you say. / It's educational and it's fun, / and you get sucked into a whole different world. / Who will buy my books today? / Maybe something a tad outr? / Something by obscure women / or something that's not necessarily plot-driven. / Oh who will buy my books today? / Now I'll send you on your way / Before you go, there's just one thing, / We're completely sold out of Lord of the Rings.

Bernard:
Where are all the books?

Manny:
Pardon?

Bernard:
Where are all the books?

Manny:
Oh. They've all been sold.

Bernard:
Oh Jesus! That means I have to ring the ordering place and you have no idea how incredibly boring and complicated that is. [calls the ordering place] Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh.

Manny:
[takes phone] Hello, who am I speaking to? Katy, Hi! Uh, we'll have the full Austen, complete Trollope - not you! Penguin paperback editions. Tolstoy? Yeah. Fling a few in. Alright, alright. Bye bye.

Bernard:
You sold a lot of books. You got on well with all the customers. I have to fire you.

Bernard:
I'm going out. I'm taking some clothes to Oxfam.

Manny:
Alright.

Bernard:
I usually lock up.

Manny:
But now I'm here it's different.

Bernard:
Yes. It's different. [starts to lock the door]

Manny:
Why are you locking the door?

Bernard:
I always lock the door.

Manny:
But now that I'm here it's different.

Bernard:
Yes. It's different. I've never locked anybody in before.

Manny:
[Reading the rules Beranrd has written] "No mobiles, no wigwams."

Bernard:
Walkmans!

Manny:
"No snoit... No snoity car..." This is indecipherable!

Bernard:
Look! It is perfectly simple. "No mobiles, no Walkmans..." [pauses, unsure] None of that! Or any of the others!

Bernard:
Who are you?

First Customer:
I'm a customer.

Bernard:
Oh, right.

Fran Katzenjammer:
You need someone normal around here.

Bernard:
Normal! He's normal is he, is he?

Fran Katzenjammer:
[chuckles]

Bernard:
What am I then?

Fran Katzenjammer:
Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that.

Bernard:
[pauses then blurts] Yes. I know. But I have rights!

Eddie:
WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? I'M BROWSING! MAYBE I'LL BUY THIS BOOK, MAYBE I WON'T, BUT YOU CANNOT INFLUENCE ME ONE IOTA, NOT ONE JOT! NOW THAT I'M DONE WITH YOU, GO AWAY!

Manny:
But I got on well with all the customers, I sold a lot of books!

Bernard:
It's not that kind of operation.

Bernard:
He looks like a horse in a man costume!

Fran Katzenjammer:
You are being very mean to Manny.

Bernard:
I can't help it. He looks like a horse in a man costume.

Fran Katzenjammer:
It's just his mum and dad. Why can't he have his mum and dad for the weekend?

Bernard:
That's easy for you to say. You'll be off on the barge trying to find your booty in a haze of gang and ting.

Fran Katzenjammer:
How did you know it was on a barge?

Bernard:
I... I... didn't. I... I don't, I don't.

Fran Katzenjammer:
You nasty man, you've been screening his calls.

Bernard:
Well, he doesn't need friends. They're bad for him. They make him all giddy.

Bernard:
It's not my problem. It is my house though, and I'm not having it infected with the kind of specimens capable of producing you.

Fran Katzenjammer:
I feel you breathe, I feel you move. Mrs Letter Opener says hello to Mr Lung.

Bernard:
Just think. You'll get a week with them all to yourself.

Manny:
Oh what have I done...

Fran Katzenjammer:
How long did you think that was going to last?

Manny:
I was hoping for about 5 minutes.

Bernard:
If I hear any nonagerian hanky-panky I'm calling the police.

Moo-Pa:
So, Bernard, the shop's still called "Black Books", is it?

Bernard:
Yeah. I was going to call it "World of Tights", but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out!

Manny:
Aww, no-one ever rings me these days.

Bernard:
Yes, it's a mystery isn't it. What with you owning your own sandals and having an egg in your beard.

Moo-Pa:
Pardon me, boys, is that the Chatanooga Choo Choo...

Fran Katzenjammer:
[Throws a breadstick at a waiter] Wine please.

Bernard:
Lots of wine.

Fran Katzenjammer:
Expensive wine!

Bernard:
Wine from the bottom of the list!

Fran Katzenjammer:
Wine!

Bernard:
WINE!

Bernard:
[describing a party] Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less.

Bernard:
What is this I'm drinking? It's like a choc ice fell into a bucket of Bleach... Childrens Booze!

Bernard:
What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu... It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. It's children's booze! What's yours?

Fran:
Bludge. It's quite good, actually. You don't even have to drink it. You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.

Fran:
[Fran is reading one of Bernard's short stories] "Feared by men and admired by women; Brendan Blake [points to Bernard] turned from the window and patted Larry [motions to Manny]; his barely hominoid, milk-fed gimp."

Bernard:
[to Manny] Right. We are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture the sort of girl who would be interested in you, and all I can see is you. In a dress.

[On a girl Manny is interested in]

Bernard:
Who is she then, this so-called person?

Fran:
Can't you just call her up and say 'I really enjoyed talking to you last night and I'd like to see you again'?

Manny:
[giggling nervously] Don't be stupid! I don't want her to think I'm gay!

Manny:
Let's paaaaar...

Bernard:
Don't you dare use the word "party" as a verb in this shop!

Fran:
Notice anything different about me?

Bernard:
You've turned into a heron.

Bernard:
I had a girlfriend actually, she died. Her name was Emma. You're talking about someone you barely know knocking you back. Big deal. We were supposed to be living together by now but instead I wake up every morning and look from my cornflakes and see your big, snaggle-tooth?d head.

Manny:
That's the saddest story I've ever heard.

Fran:
The worst part is she's not actually dead, she lives the other side of Priory Road.

Manny:
[having sworn to Fran that he won't tell Bernard his deceased ex-fianc?e is still alive] She's alive! She's still alive! Fran told me! Fran knows her!

Bernard:
Is this true? How long have you known?

Fran:
A couple of years.

Bernard:
I don't believe you.

Fran:
She's in my phone. Look. That's her full name isn't it?

Bernard:
I don't believe you.

Fran:
This is photo of her and me at her last birthday. One of many she'll have, still being alive. These are her dental records. This is her birth certificate. I keep it safely tucked inside the envelope with a photo of her reading yesterday's newspaper and wearing an "I love life" t-shirt.

Bernard:
I bet Manny doesn't know what name you were born with, does he? Have you met? Have you met Enid, Manny?

Fran:
Don't go down this road.

Bernard:
Remember that letter you wrote to your mother as part of the self-help programme? You couldn't find it? That's because I found it and I posted it.

Fran:
Manny, you did get into the Open University but Bernard tore up the letter.

Bernard:
I read your personal ad. That was good. 'Attractive, 30 something female, seeks solvent male for sex and possible friendship. Sense of humour irrelevant'.

Bernard:
You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people!

Bernard:
[using Fran's new mobile phone] Hello, can I speak to Emma please. Oh it's you. Yes it's me. How are you? I'm fine, I'm fine, actually no I'm not. I'm dead. Not so funny now is it?

Bernard:
You can't hang up on the undead.

Manny:
I'm getting red wine up my nose.

Bernard:
Anyway, you had your chance with her. What did you talk about?

Manny:
Offshore wind farms. I couldn't think of anything else.

Manny:
You don't actually have a heart Bernard. Just a shard of ice.

Fran:
Flint.

Manny:
What?

Fran:
I always saw it as a piece of flint.

Bernard:
Who else knows about this?

Fran:
Nobody. Hardly anybody. A few people. Mr Singh at the newsagents, and your parents - I told them. And of course at parties if your name comes up.

Fran:
Bernard, why aren't you dancing?

Bernard:
There's no music.

Fran:
Well, sing us a song - you're Irish.

Bernard:
[Fran is dancing] Are you finished? Because that's rubbish.

Fran:
Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything...

Bernard:
Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations?

Fran:
No, none of them can do that.

Bernard:
Mine can.

[Bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it]

Bernard:
Shut up about your phone.

Bernard:
Don't you dare use 'party' as a verb in this shop!

Manny:
Fran, get the wine!

Bernard:
What? Lies! Subterfuge!

Manny:
There's a girl.

Bernard:
A what? You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people. Who is she?

Manny:
Roweena, a friend of Anne's. I met her once and was hoping to meet her again.

Bernard:
Oh, I see.

[Mockingly]

Bernard:
Roweena! Roweeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?

Manny:
Why are you getting so angry?

Bernard:
I can't help being angry when I'm furious! So, before you go off to raise your bearded freak circus, what's she like?

Manny:
She's nice.

Bernard:
She's nice, she- dont make me sick into my own scorn. What are her prospects? Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?

Manny:
I don't know. All I know is I like her and there's a good chance that she likes me.

Bernard:
[Later] Well, we're going to this party because I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress.

Bernard:
Genetically, you are a cul-de-sac

Manny:
It's Friday night!

Bernard:
Well it was Friday night last week, it'll be Friday night next week and every week until we're dead and even then the whole rotten business will on and on and on.

Security Man:
This is a really good security system. You know the CIA?

Manny:
Yeah.

Security Man:
Well, they don't use this stuff. They've probably got something a lot better.

Manny:
That was the last film you went to see? 'Planet of the Apes'?

Bernard:
Yeah. Amazing effects, you know. You really believed that monkeys could have meetings.

[When working in a fast food restaurant]

Bernard:
Hello. Welcome to... the thing. Whatever this place is.

Bernard:
Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake. I bought some popcorn and a drink and now I have no money left.

Youth:
That's how much it costs.

Bernard:
What is it, magic popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

Manny:
I ate all your bees.

[the shop has been robbed]

Bernard:
So, what did you tell them? They got in through the back?

Manny:
Yeah.

Bernard:
Yeah, it wouldn't do to let them know that we went out and you left the front door open, would it?

Manny:
Yeah, well, what sort of world is it that you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed?

Bernard:
It's this sort of world, Gandalf!

Manny:
Do you think I should wash my beard?

Bernard:
I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off... nail it to a frisbee... and fling it over a rainbow.

Bernard:
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Manny:
Do you think I should wash my beard?

Bernard:
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Bernard:
So I go to the toilet in your wicker chair, it's a faux pas.

Bernard:
I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp.

Fran:
You look like you should have "Dorset - 5 Miles" written on you.

Bernard:
How can you blank someone in an ambulance?

Fran:
I want Manny in on this. Manny!

Bernard:
No, don't. He's no use to anyone. He stayed up all night with his birthday presents. A complete set of The Sweeney and an espresso machine.

Bernard:
[describing his friends Gerald and Sarah] And she's an interior designer, she's on that show "Pet Surprise".

Manny:
Haven't heard of it.

Bernard:
You know, you know. They take the dog out for a walk, he thinks it's a normal walk and when he gets back the kennels got a patio and french doors!

Manny:
Ah yeah...

Bernard:
And he's like, "Oh my god!"

Manny:
[Doing 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' with a local criminal] You have... beautiful eyes.

Bernard:
This is about dignity! [falls off the steps and breaks his arm]

Josef Slvanski:
You will practice all night. Swear to me.

Fran:
I swear.

Fran:
It's so unfair. I must be musical, I've got hundreds of CDs.

Manny:
Ah! I can play!

Fran:
What did you say that for? Now he's coming back.

Bernard:
Don't worry. Manny'll pick it up.

Manny:
No he won't. He's on holiday, remember? He'll be watching the test match in bed eating tiramisu with a long spoon.

Manny:
Oh dear. Drinking when you should be practising? Naughty, naughty.

Bernard:
You. What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance. She'll think I've lied, I had to go along with all this reclusive genius stuff. She'll be really upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker.

Manny:
Spoon me.

Fran:
Manny! Don't. Josef is coming, he'll squeeze my face again, my brains will come out of my nose and I'll die.

Manny:
It's good isn't it. Sort of relaxing.

Bernard:
[Manny is practising a Bach Fugue] Faster. Faster. You're not trying. Feathery strokes, feathery strokes.

Manny:
You just told me to dampen it!

Bernard:
Damp feathers.

Bernard:
Beat it, flaps.

Bernard:
Where's my cure?

Manny:
It's not my fault you're hungover.

Bernard:
It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out.

Manny:
I want the weekend off. I want a life.

Bernard:
This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it!

Manny:
We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl...

Bernard:
Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Bernard:
[to Fran] You! What have you been telling Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance. I have to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff... she's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker.

Bernard:
[to Fran] You! What did you say to Kate?She thinks I'm the renaissance.

Manny:
I wanted to learn piano, but my parents forced me not to. I was out there, playing football on my own, looking in the windows at my friends all practising piano...

Fran:
So *you're* the one who can't read, hmm? Sit down.

Danny Spudge:
What?

Fran:
I *said* sit down. And you can take that stupid look off your big head. Now. We've drawn an 'A', haven't we. What is it?

Danny Spudge:
It's an 'A'. I wanna go to the toilet.

Fran:
Shut up. Not until you can read this. Nibbly Pig got on a bus.

Manny:
[hiding with Bernard] She's playing with fire. He's not ready for Nibbly Pig.

Fran:
[Fran has been asked to give a presentation to the Board but has no idea what about] Well, well, well. Why are we here? What's it all about? [draws circle on flipchart] Ask yourselves this. Is this A. effective and B. productive? [draws dot in middle of circle] Are we [draws arrow] or are we not [underlines] a company? [board stands and applauds]

Manny:
Oh, hello Gus. Long time no speaky. Oh. When did you get out?

Bernard:
You can find work and sort your life out anytime. The pub closes in five hours.

Danny Spudge:
It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Manny:
Sales manager in a large department store.

Fran:
Too busy.

Manny:
Beautician on a cruise liner.

Fran:
Too boaty.

Bernard:
You think you're a gangster?

Manny:
I'm known in all the boroughs.

Bernard:
He's a midget. A tiny midget.

Manny:
What if he overheard?

Bernard:
He won't. His ears are too small.

Bernard:
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Bernard:
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Bernard:
Hanley! Hanley, come out you blood sucker!

[the door opens]

Solicitor:
Miss Hanley is dead.

Bernard:
Eh?

Solicitor:
She died in the night.

Bernard:
I don't care... I mean, how awful.

Roland:
So, let me guess: Mice. No, wait... you've got cockroaches.

Bernard:
Yeah, we do, actually, but don't touch them, will you? It would upset the bat.

Roland:
No I cant do it, I cant kill an innocent cat.

Bernard:
Why not it will be easy bada bing bada meow.

Solicitor:
Miss Hanley left this falt to a Mr. Benson, he's in the kitchen. What was it you wanted to query... Mr...?

Bernard:
Black. I'll talk directly with him, I don't want any legal fidgiewidgieness upsetting natural justice. [he enters the kitchen] Benson! Benson! Where is he? Benson?

Solicitor:
Mr. Benson is in the bread bin.

Bernard:
I said no legal fidgiewidgieness! I want to see the owner, I want to sort this out and I want...

Solicitor:
[opens the bread bin, revealing Mr. Benson, a cat] He likes to sleep there. What was it you wanted to say to him?

Bernard:
[unrolls a bill] I'm not paying this!

Manny:
Bernard, I was wondering if you might have a word with Fran. Tell her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.

Bernard:
Ssssh!

[meowing is heard]

Bernard:
You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the nerve centre of his evil empire. A ground rent increase here, a tax dodge there? he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and dives back down to grooming his balls!

Manny:
Bernard, I wondered if you might have a word with Fran. Explain to her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.

Bernard:
Ssssh!

[meowing is heard]

Bernard:
You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the - in the nerve centre of his empire. A hike in rent here, a tax dodge there, he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and then he dives back to grooming his balls!

The next time you are feeling stressed, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.