Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule

Dr. Steve Brule:
How come you want to be an animal?

Crash:
I personally wouldn't say it's so much as being an animal as it is getting to entertain people who like to see giant animals running around and shaking their hand, playing with them.

Dr. Steve Brule:
How do you catch an animal?

Crash:
We, um, pay people to make the fur suits, or you can make them yourselves.

Dr. Steve Brule:
How come you put a staple in your lip?

Crash:
It's a piercing. I just wanted to get it one day.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What kind of animal do you want to be, dingus?

Crash:
Probably a dog.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Nope.

Crash:
No?

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's not it. You'd be a dangatang (Orangutan). That's what you look like.

Sean Roach:
And finally we've got this beautiful lizard named Dyna. Ever had a lizard kiss you?

Dr. Steve Brule:
No.

Sean Roach:
Would you like to have a lizard kiss you?

Dr. Steve Brule:
No.

Sean Roach:
Do you love lizard kisses?

Dr. Steve Brule:
No.

Sean Roach:
We're going to give you a little lizard kiss here. Just give him a second.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Denny, where the heck did you get this guy from?

Sean Roach:
Just give him a second and he's gonna stick his tongue out here. There you go! You got a little lizard kiss there.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Get this dragon out of here! Go on! Get these dangles out of here!

[later, after the interview with Sean Roach]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Know what we're gonna do. We're just gonna sit here and be quiet! [angrily pouts]

Sean Roach:
Are you familiar with the term "Arachnophobia"?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know.

Sean Roach:
Fear of spiders. Well, this is actually a baby cockroach that one day is gonna turn into an adult cave roach, okay? Check out how f***ing cool these are, right?

Dr. Steve Brule:
What?

Sean Roach:
They really are that f***ing cool, okay?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Denny, you better get a bar of soap and wash this character's mouth out.

Sean Roach:
Just give me a second. Let me just kind of...oh, he's loving it! He feels right in his element. Perfect! Okay, good. Isn't that what life's about?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Life's about having a good time and having candy, not putting ROACHES IN YOUR HAIR!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Is there a doctor in the house? We need a doctor! Call 999!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tastes like a cow bathroom.

[repeated line]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Feels like my a**hole's on fire!

[last lines]

Dr. Steve Brule:
We forgot to do rockets.

[knocks over model of the solar system]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know...am I a rabbit?

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Candy cane, hamburgers, little muffin pies. All these things from your mouth to you eyes. They'll fill up your gullet and make you feel...in a good mood. Easily...buy yourself enough food".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a poem I made up about food.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Food. It's as simple as that. Try going a day without it. You'll miss it, Charlie. Yes, you will. I-It's just as important as food and water and gas.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Did you get the pan?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Toad's Restaurant is -- Is like stumbling into a cave of food. It's not just the same old doldrums at home. Ham, ham, turkey, bacon -- Yes, I do. Yes, I have bacon.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hello? Miss?

Sunshine:
Hi. My name is Sunshine. I'll be your waitress.

[Dr. Brule stares at her, happily]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Like the sun?

Sunshine:
Like the sun and the shine behind it. Are you ready to order?

Dr. Steve Brule:
We're kind of hitting it off.

Sunshine:
Okay.

Dr. Steve Brule:
But what are the specials of the day that aren't just sitting around stale?

Sunshine:
The specials of the day...are chicken cordon bleu, peppercorn steak and mashed potatoes, filet of sole with...

Dr. Steve Brule:
[thinking] I couldn't hear a word she was saying. I was in a lover's trance. Could this be the one?

[as Dr. Brule tries every food from the restaurant]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I was in hog heaven. There was so many different kind of food, I could just have whatever I want, so I kept ordering and ordering and ordering.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Here's a little tip. You can cool down your pasta.

[Dr. Steve drinks milk and spits it on his pasta]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whatever works!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh, meatloaf! Man, meatloaf is good for your bones. This turkey's too hot. I have to cool it off.

[does the same technique what he did to the pasta, last]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Easy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Sunshine] What do you think I am, some kind of rabbit?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't think I can eat much more, Denny.

Dr. Steve Brule:
--Thing keeps getting caught on the chair, too.

Dr. Steve Brule:
In all this joshing around, I realize I don't even know your name. [chuckles] I just know you as Sunshine.

Susan:
My real name is Susan.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a beautiful name.

Susan:
Thank you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's your last name?

Susan Brule:
My last name is Brule. Susan Brule.

[Dr. Brule takes off his glasses for a dramatic effect while being cross-eyed]

Susan Brule:
What?

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're Uncle Gary's girl? I'm Stevie Brule!

Dr. Steve Brule:
My guest today has been Susan Brule. She's my Uncle Gary's little girl. She's my cousin. Who cares? That's -- That's it for the show. That's it for food. Who -- Who cares? [leaves] Cut it, Denny.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
Good morning. This is a Channel 5 News Break. I'm Terry Bruge-Hiplo.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
Somebody keeps vandalizing the back wall at Myer's Super Foods. Please, if you have any information on the criminal, call Sherrif Ramb with the details. And a personal message to the assailant -- My children can see the wall from my yard, and you are making large penises, and I am sick of explaining, "It's a whale throwing up".

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
Ho-- [cuts to the ending of Breaking News]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What about weird foods? Tha-- Foods you never had or thought you'd taste before?

[Dr. Brule trips on a cake to his face]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I-I wanted to try shushi, so I got...a shushi chef to show me how to eat shushi. It's a weird food. I never had it before.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Konichiwa.

Sushi Chef:
Konichiwa.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I brought a real sushi lady in to make real sushi sandwiches for us.

Sushi Chef:
[speaking Japanese]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi.

Sushi Chef:
Hi.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi.

Sushi Chef:
Hi.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[laughs] Hi. Hi. She's a friendly lady.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What do we have here? The building blocks of shushi. Shushi meat, peaches, and guacamole.

Sushi Chef:
Wasabi.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's up?

Sushi Chef:
Wasabi.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's not that hard to let other people from other countries talk to you. If you have peaches and it's just all peaches and cream all the time, it'd just be a dessert, you dumbo!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Holy guacamole!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whatever. Who ever heard of guacamole without chips? How come it tastes like fish?

Sushi Chef:
[speaking Japanese]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Fish, Denny?

Dr. Steve Brule:
What are you trying to feed me? What do I look like? A kitty cat?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Fish is for cats. For your health.

Dr. Steve Brule:
My next guest is Dr. Jimmy Brungus. He's a nutritionist.

Johnny Boden:
It's actually Dr. Johnny Boden.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Dr. Gungy Brogan.

Dr. Steve Brule:
This is the part of the show we call "Doctor to -- [cuts off to the opening of Doctor to Doctor]

Dr. Steve Brule:
So what happens to different foods in your body?

Johnny Boden:
Well, they break down. Proteins break down into something called --

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know.

Johnny Boden:
The best diet consists of food that occurs the environment. It's natural food, doesn't have a bar code, doesn't have a lot of processing--

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know.

Johnny Boden:
...doesn't have a lot of ingredients you can't pronounce.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know.

Johnny Boden:
That's real food. Apples, berries, pears, watermelons.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Corn dogs.

Johnny Boden:
...Well, not really corn dogs, because that's not really a food. It's a food product.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, it's made of c-corn and dogs.

Johnny Boden:
Right...

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm a doctor, too.

Johnny Boden:
Yes, I know.

Dr. Steve Brule:
There's sugar, salt, nachos, hot dogs, corn dogs, all the dog foods. And, uh, whi -- White foods. Milk, rice...

Johnny Boden:
I have a PhD in nutrition, a masters in psychology, and certification from the American Board of Certifying Specialists.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[surprised] Oh...

[Dr. Brule takes a moment to process that]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't have to say anything. I'm a doctor, too.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Food is bad for your health if you eat too many kinds of food at once. Can't say I learned so very much.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Cold milk cools the hot food.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sunshine Brule is my cousin. Who cares?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Shushi meat's a big ripoff. It's just cat scraps.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm a doctor, too, you dingus.

Security Guy:
Hello?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hello?

Security Guy:
Hello? Anybody here?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yes, we're making a show.

Security Guy:
Can you please go?

Dr. Steve Brule:
What?

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Watch the cupids fly above, two hearts so sweet in love. If the arrow strikes upon, then there shall fly a turtledove".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a poem by Dr. Dan Dringle (Daniel Lindon).

Dr. Steve Brule:
Today's show is about healthy relationships. Did you ever have a soul partner? Did you ever have a love? Did you ever lose one or wondered how to keep it alive when it got old and brown? If your body's lonesome, it's gonna get sick, probably.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, that's enough of this drivle-draffle. Let's find out what we want to KNOW about. Let's check it out. Let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Cue music. Cue music.

[when Dr. Brule begins to talk about relationships]

Dr. Steve Brule:
When two hearts beat -- W-When two hearts beat as one, that is called being married.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For my first segment, I found a couple who are very in love and who very good friends of mine. Jan and Wayne Skylar are a Married News Team from Channel 5, who live a public and private paradise of a life. They sat down with me to show what it's like when two hearts beat as one.

Some Guy in the Back:
[to Dr. Brule] "Let's check it out".

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's check it ou-- [music cue interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm Dr. Steve Brule, and I'm joined today by Jan and Wayne Skylar.

Jan Skylar:
Which is my camera? Is this my camera here? Or are we over...

Wayne Skylar:
Mic.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Do we got the technicals figured out? Denny?

Wayne Skylar:
I'll just take a camera, and I put it right here.

[Wayne touches Jan's private area, and Jan slaps it away from him]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Today's subject is to talk about being married. H-How come i-it's so hard to be married?

Wayne Skylar:
A healthy marriage is both having outside hobbies. For example, Jan does a lot of gardening. She's in the thicket patch and the briar bush, and I find them all throughout my, um, underwear drawer, and it hurts me very much, and it's hard to get to her.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So that makes it a challenge?

Jan Skylar:
It's more of a deterrent for Wayne -- To keep him out of my business. The other way to keep him off my nipples is I put -- He hates those, uh, red-pepper flakes that they put on pizza. I just put a little bit of, uh, wood glue on my nipples and put those red-pepper flakes on there. He -- He does not react well to those. [giggles]

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you can ask for extra packets of those, and then they give them to you for free at the pizza restaurant.

Wayne Skylar:
Another technique Jan uses sometimes is she eats a lot of shawarma before I come home, and that gasses up her spaghetti house and makes a sewage stink all in the bedroom.

Jan Skylar:
I find if I eat a lot of shawarma, I get enough gas that he won't to get near me, and I don't have to worry about being penetrated. But it is -- It is always changing for me, because there are men I am attracted to. For instance...somebody on this couch.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[chuckles]

Jan Skylar:
I'm not gonna say who.

[Dr. Brule touches Jan's cheeks]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pretty cheeks.

Jan Skylar:
[giggles]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I get a lot of letters on "Check it Out" saying, "What does Janey smell like? What does Janey feel like"? And the viewers really want to know what it's like to be near you, to smell you, to touch you. Wayne what do you think? Why don't you let me do it for the viewers?

Wayne Skylar:
I don't think so, Steve. She's all for me.

Jan Skylar:
I think it will be fine. Let me just clear it with Wayne.

Jan Skylar:
[to Wayne] We've been through this, okay?

Wayne Skylar:
Is this just for the show?

Jan Skylar:
This is just for the show.

Jan and Wayne Skylar:
I will never hurt you. I will never leave you. You are the love of my life.

Jan Skylar:
I will try to be a faithful wife to you when I can.

Wayne Skylar:
I will not be disgusted by the shawarma gas coming out of the spaghetti house.

Jan and Wayne Skylar:
Amen.

[Dr. Brule gets to touch Jan Skylar]

Jan Skylar:
So, what should we start with -- Down here?

Dr. Steve Brule:
No, I was just gonna feel your body.

Jan Skylar:
You can kiss 'em, or you can play with 'em. You can do whatever you want.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, there's two boobies, and they have big napples the size of a quarter. And they feel like...feel like roast beef.

Wayne Skylar:
ENOUGH!

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Check it Out" is sponsored by Myer's Super Foods. This week, Toad Detergent -- $1.99. Potato chips -- Krinkly or otherwise -- $1.99. All kinds of stinky fish for your cat -- $1.99. Chocolate Ice Cream -- $1.99. Vanilla Ice Cream -- $1.99. S--

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't wanna say Strawberry Ice Cream. I don't like it.

[the sponsor skips to the next scene of this ad]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[distorted] Brrrrican cheese -- 2 cents a slice.

Dr. Steve Brule:
All kinds of jellies all on sale 10% off. Prices so low, you'd be a dungus not to check out that store. Tell them Steve sent ya.

Carol Krabit:
And now, Yesterday's Weather. Yesterday was very hot with lows in the 100s. Be sure to cover those meats and-- [says nothing else]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Today with Dr. Dan Dungus (Dr. Don Davis), who's a sexpert from U.C.L. of A. Welcome to the show, Dr. Don.

Dr. Don Davis:
It's my pleasure to be here.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Doctor to Doctor, what is sex?

Dr. Don Davis:
It's about two people having fun with their bodies.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Like tickling?

Dr. Don Davis:
Yes, yeah. Any type of touching can be part of it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
H-How do you make sex?

Dr. Don Davis:
Well, one of the ways is you can start to learn to touch yourself. You can start, you know, just from your face, you know, caressing your face, working down, you know, the front of your body -- Your nipples, especially. For some --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pencil erasers. [laughs]

Dr. Don Davis:
That's how most people learn, both men and women. And that's what your learning.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What about your pennis? Let's not beat around the bushes. Are there any uses for a pennis besides pee or...sperms?

Dr. Don Davis:
That main use of the penis is intercourse.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[giggles[ H-H-How do you know if the lady wants a pennis in her vagina? [laughs]

Dr. Don Davis:
Well, you better be very sure about it before you put it in there.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know! [laughing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Where else could you put your prennis?

Dr. Don Davis:
The penis can also go in anally.

Dr. Steve Brule:
This makes farts. [chuckles] Well, you are a typical hunk who thinks you know everything about everything. Doctor to Doctor, appreciate it.

Dr. Don Davis:
You're welcome. Anytime.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your health.

Dr. Steve Brule:
We're back with a very special segment on sleeping and how to share a bed. And with me, of course, is Jan Skylar. Jan, what's the most important thing for when you have to share a bed for sleeping?

Jan Skylar:
Well, it's very easy. The first things you do is you want to get into a very comfortable sleeping gown. This is my sleeping attire that -- I'm -- We'll be demonstrating with tonight.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I just have my underwears.

Jan Skylar:
Okay. That's fine. This is what I do every night. I get into bed, and I lure Wayney in. I lure him in like this. Sometimes it's nice to give a little reward.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[sees Jan's butt] And it's a nice view from here. Now what?

Jan Skylar:
Now you have to get into bed.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Jan Skylar:
You got to get up in here.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's wobbly.

Jan Skylar:
I always have a hard time falling asleep, but if I'm with someone I love, I usually have them bring their arm around like this, and they can put their hand wherever they want.

Dr. Steve Brule:
And it's right on your roast beef.

Jan Skylar:
Oops. [sniffs[ Ooh, that stickin' around like a potato-salad smell.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yeah.

Jan Skylar:
It's in my tongue. And then we just give ourselves a kiss good night. We don't have to do that here.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, we could.

Jan Skylar:
Or we can give it a little...

Wayne Skylar:
Jan! [straining]

Jan Skylar:
Real close. And this is just for...for the viewers.

[Jan and Dr. Brule kissed in bed]

Jan Skylar:
And just like that.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just a little peck.

Jan Skylar:
Try closing your eyes. That's what I always do. I'll just give you... [kisses Dr. Brule a couple times] right on the lips.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[smooching]

Jan Skylar:
And you can kiss me, too. Where would you want to kiss me if you could kiss anywhere?

[Dr. Brule kisses Jan's breasts]

Jan Skylar:
Oh. That's fine. That's fine.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Right on the roast beef.

Jan Skylar:
They deserve it.

Wayne Skylar:
[angrily exhales deeply]

Wayne Skylar:
NO!

[Wayne gets in bed with Jan and Dr. Steve Brule]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Don't squash me.

[Jan slaps Wayne's butt]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Is everything okay?

Wayne Skylar:
Everything's fine, Steve.

Jan Skylar:
Damn it, Wayne.

[Jan and Wayne both slaps butts at each other]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're making the bed jiggle.

[then Dr. Brule gets in on the fun]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Shh! For your health.

[after the Relationships episode is ending]

Dr. Steve Brule:
We'll what have we learned today.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Shawarma gas keeps boys away.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you wanna feel sexy, touch your face.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sex is no laughing matter unless you get nervous and get the giggles.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Don't listen to hunks about sex. They think they know everything.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Boobies taste and feel like roast beef.

Some Guy in the Back:
[to Dr. Brule] Good night.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Have a great da-- [closing theme plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Promotional considerations for "Check it Out" provided by the -- The Troy Hotel. Why don't you stay there sometime? You have your own bed. You can pay for it and if you make a mess, the maid will clean it up. You can even go pee-pee in your bed. Doesn't matter. Just go stay at the Troy Hotel and lodge and inn, ya dungus. Tell 'em, Dr. Stevie Brule sent ya.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[burps] "My mother, my uncle -- Is that who made me? Am I just a piece of rotten fruit from my family tree? What will the future hold? Who knows? All I know is my family grows".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a poem by Stan Brule, my brother.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Welcome back to "Check it out", the show that checks stuff out. Today's show is gonna be about [sighs] family.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Family. Where would you be without them?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Nowhere. That's where. We wouldn't be borned.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For my first segment about family, I interviewed a very important person in my life. Guess who. You still can't guess? It's my Mom -- [music cue plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
We're here with Dorris Pringle-Brule, who is an antique collector and who is my mommy.

[Dr. Brule kisses his Ma's hand]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What things do you like to collect?

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Cigarette butts, newspapers.

Dr. Steve Brule:
There's a whole bunch of hair out back.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
I made you a wig for your school picture.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I didn't want to wear it, but you said it looked better than my hair.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
I-I name everything.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's this one? [holds a jug carton]

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Dr. Curtis Reed.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[sniffs] [coughs] The doctor's rotten to the core. [chuckles]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You wanted to keep us close to home, didn't ya?

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
I put poison on your sandwiches when you weren't good so it'd slow you guys down a little bit. I was gonna mount your heads on the wall -- You and your Dad's. That way I could see you once in a while whenever I wanted to.

Dr. Steve Brule:
But we would be dead, mommy.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
But you'd be here. I was gonna bury you underneath the house so you'd always be here.

Doug Prishpreed:
[out of character] You're waving your hands in all kinds of directions.

Eric Wareheim:
This is your close-up camera, and this is the wide shot, so just -- You can just remain here.

Doug Prishpreed:
What do you guys wa-- [breaking news plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
...segment for "Check it Out" with my Uncle Gary (Gary Brule). I'm happy that you're here 'cause you're the coolest unker anybody could have.

Gary Brule:
Wow. That sounds great.

Dr. Steve Brule:
He's been entertaining my family for Thanksgiving after Thanksgiving dinner...with amazing tricks a-and magic.

Dr. Steve Brule:
How di you get started making magic, Uncle Gary?

Gary Brule:
Well, my Dad, uh, was originally in Vaudeville. Now, when I was born and raised, it was Vaudeville long gone by that time, but he still had friends that would drop by. And one of those friends showed me a card trick. I was maybe 8 years old. I don't actually remember his real name, but he had a big name that was Vaudeville. And, uh, they would be traveling shows that would come in and do what they called variety acts. Now, that would be a tap dancer, a singer, a magician, anything -- An acrobat -- All of that. That was all Vaudeville.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[after getting bored] I know.

Gary Brule:
And Al Jolson was part of it. And so were some of the --

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know. Al Jolson was part of it.

Gary Brule:
Yeah.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You see, he was a famous, uh, Vaudeville.

Gary Brule:
He was certainly one of the biggest and one of the best and the most copied at the time. But there were big, uh, Houdini was part of Vaudeville at that time.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[snorts] It's been so nice having you here, Uncle Gary.

Gary Brule:
Well, thank-- [cuts off to the next scene]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sometimes you have to have a heart-to-heart talk. And I really wanted to see my daddy, so I talked to him and said, "You're my best daddy. You're my best friend". My best daddy.

Dr. Steve Brule's Daddy:
[deep voice] Oh, boy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's go to the park and just hang around and hold hands and have a picnic of cheese and grapes and some wines. Sweet sunset wine.

Dr. Steve Brule:
He left me when I was a little boy, so I really want to say, "How come you left"? [chuckles] That's cool, Dad! Never told me why. I guess he just wanted to focus on his work. He was a fry cook.

Dr. Steve Brule:
But you can't just give away a baby. You have to -- You have to stay with it and make it your baby son, not just like a dog that you just throw in the river.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Turns out this man wasn't my daddy, but he looked just like him. He was the same size.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to his fake daddy] Hold me like a daddy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So I had a heart-to-heart with him. It was almost the same as Dad.

Dr. Steve Brule's Dad:
[grunts happily]

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your heart.

Doug Prishpreed:
Hello, sports fans. I'm Doug Prishpreed. Everyone loves a three-legged race, so sign up for the Annual Myer's Super Foods 3 Legs Crumbs disease charity run. I'm dumb for crumbs. Doug will be there. That's me. I need a partner.

Doug Prishpreed:
A lady partner, please.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Am I my brother's keeper? I don't know, but my brother is here as my next guest. His name is Stan Brule, and he's the coolest person of my whole world. Welcome to the programs, Stan. Good to be here.

Stan Brule:
Good to be here, Steven.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's it like being the coolest guy in town?

Stan Brule:
I have a lot of friends all over the world.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Really?

Stan Brule:
Yes.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Uh-huh.

Stan Brule:
[shrugs]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Does anyone ever call you "Stanley"?

Stan Brule:
I own my own pizza oven in my house. Could have as many extra ingredients as I want, and it doesn't cost me any extra.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Stan, tell out audience about your inventions. Did you ever invent a jet pack?

Stan Brule:
I invented, um....a jet pack. I was gonna invent a skrateboard, but I already have 5 hundred of them. So I was like, "Forget it, I'll just make a flying surfboard instead with a jet-ski engine on it".

Dr. Steve Brule:
[excited] Really?

Stan Brule:
I have about 150 jet skis.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[laughs] That's cool!

Stan Brule:
Just ride them around the ocean or in a pond.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell me, Stan -- What's your favorite food?

Stan Brule:
Prizza.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Uh-huh.

Stan Brule:
Or egg rolls. I was flying my own jet, and I was like, "I'm out of egg rolls. Where am I gonna go? I'll go to the Great Wall of China and see if they have egg rolls there", and they did.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Is that -- Is that right?

Stan Brule:
[nodding his head meaning "yes"]

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's been a pleasure talking with you 'cause you're my older brother and I really look up to you.

Stan Brule:
I know.

[Dr. Brule and Stan Brule shake hands in air style]

Stan Brule:
I know. It's good to see you, Steven. Stay cool.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to the crew] Does it look good? Does it looks real?

[sees Stan Brule was just a edited mirror reflection]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just wanted to see what it would be like to have a brother. [chuckles] Gotcha. Check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Check it Out" is sponsored by Toad's Horse Shampoo. Make your horse shine like a stallion. Don't have a horse? That's okay. You could use it for washing you car. That's what I use it for. It's not made just for horses. It's made from a horse, you dingus.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Toad's Horse Shampoo -- Made with real horses' milk.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, that's my family. What did we learn?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Some sisters are buried under your house.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Poison slows you down.

Dr. Steve Brule:
My uncle wears a wig my Mommy made.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Some dads are not YOUR Dad.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wish I had a brother.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Maybe I could be a part of a family own. Maybe I could be an uncle or an aunt...or a Dad.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That would involve me getting my dungus we--

Dr. Steve Brule:
"I stare in the water at my own sweet reflection. And I feel a feeling o warm sweet affection. Why doesn't my body do the things that I want? For lack of exercise is surely the cause".

Dr. Steve Brule:
By Beverly Dingus. A poem.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What if you're not born with that perfect button nose or those perfect chubby cheeks? Man has struggled with it for centuries, but every day, science comes closer to untangling this problem. To help me untangle it, I turn to one of the most delightful, bubbly, and special scientists I ever met.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sanfia Dringus is a -- Is an official with the U.S. Department of Beauty, and she helped me find out-- [music cue plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Welcome. It's very nice to have you.

Cynthia Driscoll:
Thank you. Hi.

[as Dr. Brule was about to kiss Cynthia]

Cynthia Driscoll:
I'm not interested-- [music cue plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
My guest, Sanfia Dangus, is registered by the United States Department of Beauty for a beauty expert. Cynthia, how do I -- Can tell if I'm yugly or handsome?

Cynthia Driscoll:
What this computer does is scientifically determine whether you are handsome or ugly.

Dr. Steve Brule:
This little number.

Cynthia Driscoll:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's like an easter basket.

Dr. Steve Brule & Cynthia:
[both laugh]

Cynthia Driscoll:
But it's not. It's not an easter basket.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Could be. You could hide a chocolate egg in there. I don't know how you could get prettier. [starts to handshake Cynthia]

Cynthia Driscoll:
Uh, no!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[air smooches]

Cynthia Driscoll:
Uh, what we're gonna do is I'm gonna attach these to your trouble areas. I place these on --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh! Oh. My skin's kind of oily.

Cynthia Driscoll:
Yeah.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I had too many potato chips for lunch.

Cynthia Driscoll:
God, I just -- It's hard to get in there, but...okay.

[as Cynthia managed to attach the circles on Dr. Brule, she turns on the Beauty Identifier to see the results for Dr. Brule's trouble areas]

Dr. Steve Brule:
If I -- If I end up being handsome --

[computer beeps]

Cynthia Driscoll:
Oh! [sad] Oh.

[the Beauty Identifier confirms him as ugly]

Cynthia Driscoll:
Okay. Uh...hmm.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What did it -- What are the results? [felt pain after taking off the things attached to him in a sec] What was the result?

Cynthia Driscoll:
The conclusion is that, uh...you're ugly.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Shoot. Darn it. Sanfia Dagless, what can a man like me do to help my ugliness?

Cynthia Driscoll:
So, if you look in the mirror and you think, "Oh, I look fat. I look -- [sees Dr. Brule coming close to her] NoOOOOOOOO!

Carol Krabit:
And now "Your Fortune", with Carol Krabit. Expect to feel several bone tremors and be perceived by all around you to b a disgrace. You will be in an accident involving a screen door and a Randyman.

Carol Krabit:
Good ni-- [music cues Your Fortune plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Today's Your Fortune is provided by Toad's Horse Yogurt. We milk the finest horses and make yogurt out of it. It's not just for horses. It's for people, too. It's good for your tum-tum. Let 'em eat the can! They're horses. They can eat whatever they want, like a goat. For your horse.

[Dr. Brule gets a new makeover]

Cynthia Driscoll:
Okay. Let's turn around and show them what we've, uh, accomplished.

[Dr. Brule turns around to the viewers and has a pretty makeup face which makes him slightly less ugly]

Cynthia Driscoll:
Um...it's, uh...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Am I handsome now?

Cynthia Driscoll:
And let's take these off. [takes off Dr. Brule's glasses]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Now I can't see at all without those. How do I look, Denny?

Denny:
...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Am I handsome now, Cynthia?

Cynthia Driscoll:
Uh...

Dr. Steve Brule:
On a scale of 1 to 10.

Cynthia Driscoll:
Okay. Uh... [chuckles nervously] but a...a 3 from a 1.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If 3 is the best. [chuckles] Well, it just goes to show ya, you don't always have to be ugly. For your health.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For the next part of the show, we're gonna talk about your health and how you can keep your health and now get it snatched away by obesity. And my guest right now is a young man named Jeffrey Krang, who is a quarterback at South Willio High School.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Welcome, Jeffrey. What happens when you got to parties with girls or you have a kregger?

Jeffrey Krang:
A kegger?

Dr. Steve Brule:
What happens at a kregger?

Jeffrey Krang:
Did you ever go to a kegger yourself?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I had to *buy* a kegger one time, but I didn't...

Jeffrey Krang:
No?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Didn't get to drink any of it.

[Dr. Brule still having an interview with Jeffrey Krang]

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, when you're scrambling around the field, are you thinking about your health?

Jeffrey Krang:
No.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Supposed to be good for your health. What is football?

Jeffrey Krang:
It is the sport of the pigskin. I just like the rush. I like hitting people and being hit. I like throwing footballs, and it's just a good sport.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Why is your jacket that color?

Jeffrey Krang:
It's the school colors. I'm on the team.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You look like a bumblebee.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You got some cool clothes on. Let's have a short fashion show. Stand up and turn around. You got a cool sports tie. He's got footballs on his tie. Sit down. Sit down. Alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nothing weird.

[Jeffrey Krang sits on Dr. Brule's lap]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You want to have a foot race?

Jeffrey Krang:
A foot ra-- [music cue plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
The Ancient Greeks invented sports for the olympics so you could test your body. That's why I went to the field of play -- To take down Krang!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Next up, we got Cynthia Dingus on a report of how to keep your body clean. Hup, hup, hike!

[cuts to the next scene where Cynthia Driscoll is sitting at her shop doing nothing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell us about spiritual healing.

Hippy Joel:
Um, spiritual healing is from the inside here, not what is up here. This is your destroyer.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Destroyer.

Hippy Joel:
Yes. I can probably give you a short prayer on that would help you. You can repeat it as I go.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Hippy Joel:
Oh, ruler of the world...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, ruler of the world...

Hippy Joel:
...be kind and gentle.

Dr. Steve Brule:
...be kind and gentle.

Hippy Joel:
[deeply] For I know not where to go.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[deeply] For I know not where to go.

Hippy Joel:
But if I go in the garden of love...

Dr. Steve Brule:
But if I go in garden of love...

Hippy Joel:
...seeketh not the love that grows in the garden...

Dr. Steve Brule:
...seeketh not the love that grows in the garden...

Hippy Joel:
...but seeketh the knowledge of thy will.

Dr. Steve Brule:
...but seeketh the knowledge of a frill.

Hippy Joel:
Amen.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[quickly] Amen.

[Dr. Brule does aerobics workout with his gang]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm joined with a bunch of my friends -- Nancy, Rita, Jim, Doug! Can I have a hunk?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's talk about your butt. Make it work! LET'S GET EXCITED!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Be like a tin soldier -- Serious, not goofing around. Don't half-ass it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Doug] I want to be your friend. If you're such a hunk, then why are you in my class?

Narrator:
Discipline.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Doug] I KNOW THE RULES, HUNK!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Everybody! Punishment jumping jack! Go.

[Doug throws the ball to Dr. Brule]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I didn't say throw it back. Throw it back.

[Doug throws the ball to Dr. Brule again]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Little bit hard. Little bit hard.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Doug] Just 'cause you're a hunk and you think you don't have to exercise, you're gonna get an injury. You can stand up now. You're out of time-out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just take a pose. How does your body feel? Check in with it. Feels good. Salty. That's...your salt.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hunks are not good listeners. Sorry, Doug.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, there you have it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and sports are hard.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You don't have to be ugly.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Footballs aren't even shaped like a ball. Shaped like a egg with stitches.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Careful of prayers, they could be spells on you.

[after the ending of Health]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ti...well...that's pretty much all I have to say about today's show. How much more time do we have, Denny? Okay, well, roll 'em. Roll 'em.

[Dr. Brule stands there waiting for the credits to toll]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Why -- Why -- Doesn't have to be the full length every time. Could be shorter.

Dr. Steve Brule:
A bumblebee's sting or a witch's snout or a public bathroom or a daddy's shout...these are the thing that some find scary. [inhales deeply] Awful scary. Yes, very.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a song by Diane Drangle (Diane Daniels).

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm a little bit scared of pruppets. Pluppets are little...people that can talk. And they are not nice.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm not scared of puppets, but they are put me a little on edge.

Bob Baker:
Well, don't be scared They're -- They're just made of wood.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Really?

Bob Baker:
Yeah, really.

Dr. Steve Brule:
They don't have puppet blood or guts inside of them?

Bob Baker:
No, no, no puppet blood -- Maybe a lot of glue.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] So, I had a nice slow walk around the puppet place with Brob Barker. There were all different kinds of puppets -- Puppets to put your hand in, puppets you hang from a string called Marinaras. The place was creepy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] When I would try to talk to them, they'd pretend like they couldn't talk.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to a puppet] How are you?

Bob Baker:
Well, you can try talking to it, but I don't think he's gonna answer.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Maybe he's right.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then I met this lady, Yarsula (Ursula Heinle), who makes puppets. I think she was a puppet.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Ursula] Brob told me that pruppets aren't real, but I know that you're real.

Ursula Heinle:
[laughs] I don't think so.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] She seemed nice enough. I couldn't find her strings. She seemed sweet as apple pie.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Maybe not all puppets are that bad. Some are sweet ladies.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Brob and Yarsula were really nice, but the real star of the show was the free show that I was gonna get. I was a little tired, but -- But I decided to just try to make it through and maybe rest while I watched the show. Hopefully, I wouldn't have a bad dream if I fall asleep.

[suddenly Dr. Brule wakes up into his bad dream]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Brob? Urlusa? Where am I? Where the heck are my dungus clothes?

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your pluppets.

Dr. Steve Brule:
BROO! Gotcha. Scared ya. [happily] Scared ya.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wonder why I am so afraid of puppets.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't know. Just thinking it over.

[Dr. Brule talks to Puppet Jan Skylar and Wayne Skylar]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Puppet Jan Skylar:
Well, we were just talking about sharing and how amazing it is to share.

Puppet Wayne Skylar:
And how sharing is important to any friendship.

Puppet Jan Skylar:
You know, I share the candy in my candy box.

Dr. Steve Brule:
And what else can you share, Janey?

Puppet Wayne Skylar:
Well, Steve, I share my heart and my body to my loved ones, especially my wife.

[PWS starts to smother PJS]

Puppet Jan Skylar:
Mm, okay. No, we don't need that. We don't need it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Aww, you two are always bickering. [chuckles]

Puppet Wayne Skylar:
I'd like to just take a ride through the tunnel sometimes before work. And Jan, says, "No, that tunnel is closed".

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't have to take the tunnel. I just use the expressway.

Puppet Wayne Skylar:
2 years, no access to the tunnel. That could make any man depressed.

Puppet Jan Skylar:
Well, there are certain people here in the studio's had plenty of access.

Puppet Wayne Skylar:
Are you letting people inside of this tunnel, in that clam house?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[happily] Is this still the show?

[Jan and Wayne Skylar gets done with their puppet acting when they started having an argument]

Wayne Skylar:
Are you letting people touch you here?

Jan Skylar:
Don't you touch me! Don't you touch me!

Wayne Skylar:
Let them touch you here? And they go in your tunnel here!

Jan Skylar:
Don't touch me! YOU DON'T TOUCH ME!

[then Wayne took off Jan's hair]

Jan Skylar:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

Dr. Steve Brule:
[crying]

Carol Krabit:
And now Yesterday's Weather. Yesterday was a cool and moist, high in the 90s. I had to clean Little Ritchie's teeth with some steel wool. He's been getting into the shed again and sipping on floor wax.

Carol Krabit:
I told him to stay out of that damn [bleep].

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm here with my guest, Dr. Daniel Jungle Hart (David Liebe Hart), who comes from the University of Puppetry.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm afraid of puppets.

David Liebe Hart:
Well, you don't have to be afraid of them. My puppets are very well trained. They won't scare you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
No way, jose.

David Liebe Hart:
What if I had a beautiful woman puppet come at you? Ha! You wouldn't run or be afraid of her.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[giggles] That sounds alright. Let's...look at the puppets.

David Liebe Hart:
Sure I can.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[exhales deeply]

David Liebe Hart:
Got to open up the container.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't know. Denny, if I get too afraid of the puppets, I want to say, "Pineapple", and that mean "Cut and clear the puppets".

[David Liebe Hart brings out puppet]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[wails]

David Lieve Hart:
[imitating his puppet] I won't hurt you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
PINEAPAAA--

[while Dr. Brule is still afraid of David Liebe Hart's puppet]

David Liebe Hart:
[imitating his puppet] Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
How come your mouth moves when he talks?

David Liebe Hart:
[muffled] I am not afraid.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Denny] Do you see his mouth moving?

David Liebe Hart:
Hi, there. I'm -- I'm...

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're talking!

David Liebe Hart:
I'm just smiling. No, no, no. It's the puppets talking.

Dr. Steve Brule:
He's making into words.

David Liebe Hart:
You want to hold and touch me, coz? I don't bite. Go ahead. Don't be afraid.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's not even soft. It's not even, like, a body. It's made of wood.

David Liebe Hart:
Yeah, it's make-believe. It's not real.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What do you do -- Press this button?

David Liebe Hart:
Yeah, that moves it up and do-- Moves up and down. And just move the wood inside. Makes the mouth, the big -- The big wood in there makes the mouth move up and down.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[imitating DLH's puppet] Hi. [laughs] I can do it. [imitating] I know. All I need I big -- [starts to get scared again] Uh, that's -- That's it. AAAAAAAA--

Dr. Steve Brule:
For this part of the show, we're gonna show you something that I'm not as scared of, which is jack o' lanterns. My guest, who's gonna show us how to make a jack o' lantern, is my first guest, Sandy Grungerson (Sandy Sanders).

Sandy Sanders:
Well, thank you very much. Thank you for having me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sandy, you look a little bit like a witch.

Sandy Sanders:
Uh, no, I'm not.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Do you have a black cat?

Sandy Sanders:
I do, as a matter of fact, yes -- Boots. But he has white...white boots on...paws.

Sandy Sanders:
So, the first thing is to get your knife.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know how to do it.

Sandy Sanders:
Okay, well --

Dr. Steve Brule:
You already cut this part. [cuts the top off the pumpkin] It's easy. You already did it, so it's easy.

Sandy Sanders:
Yes. Taking out the seeds.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'll just use my hands.

Sandy Sanders:
Okay. That's a good idea. You just reach in there, and you can put all the seeds into here.

[Dr. Brule felt disgusted when he puts all the seeds inside the pumpkin]

Sandy Sanders:
Yes, I know -- That's the part I usually have the kid do.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Feels yucky in there.

Sandy Sanders:
Some people draw--

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't have to draw it. I know how. You just make a nose hole. You just go like this.

[as Dr. Brule make a nose hole inside the pumpkin, he then accidentally cuts one of his fingers off inside the pumpkin]

Dr. Steve Brule:
DANG IT! For your finger.

[after the Fear episode is ending]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[after accidentally getting his finger cut off] That's my show. What did we learn today?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pruppets come from marinara.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pluppets aren't real, but they can come to life.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It helps to touch a friend's pruppet.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Prumpkins aren't pruppets, but they can cut your fingers off.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Denny] Where'd you put it? No. No, you dingus, not in the garbage can. I said put it in the sink with cold water. Get it out of the garbage.

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Knock-knock. Who's there? Your friend. But I don't have any friends".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a comedy joke by Dringus and Drumble Comedy Team.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Today's show is about friends. How come I don't have any friends. Anyways, let's check it out.

Guy:
Zoom.

[camera zooms on Dr. Brule's face]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Zoo-- [opening theme plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's a friend? How do you get a friend? How do you keep a friend? How come I don't have a friend?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I was at a place where they have f-friends. It was a club of men -- [music cue plays]

[Dr. Steve Brule goes to Hollywood Men to meet friends]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I was just, uh...just trying to make friends, and somebody told me this is -- This is where the men hang out.

Men #1:
All the chicks come and see you and pay lots of money.

Dr. Steve Brule:
We don't have to let the girls into the club. It could just be for boys only. Or men.

Men #1:
No, I don't think so.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I couldn't believe I stumbled into a whole group of the best friends I could ever have. Then we wrestled around a little bit. [chuckles] I dislocated my knee, but I didn't care.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, they said, "Steve stick around. We're gonna put on an aerobics show". And I said, "Okay. I don't know the steps, but if you think I can do it, I'll try".

[Dr. Brule tries to dance with the men who impress women]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Everything was moving so fast -- So many lights and smokes -- That I was having a hard time keeping up with the steps.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I just tried to keep up with the fellas. They were pretty good-natured. A couple guys shoved me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] The ladies were screaming for me to show 'em my dingus. Then I thought we were all gonna go back to the clubhouse and josh around some more. But all they wanted to do was talk to these ladies that look like my aunt. Pretty disappointing. Made me sad.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're supposed to by my friends, though, huh?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I thought they were just cool guys that were gonna be lifelong friends, but they just turned out to be a bunch of hunks.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Turns out it's just hunks.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Who wants to be a hunk?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pbbbbbt.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
And now for tonight's movie resu-- Let's start again.

[cuts to the opening of Movie Reviews]

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
...night's movie review -- Dumpster's Children, directed by Rimm Hardigan. [reads the reviews] This is a hot, hot movie. I didn't see the ending because I was crying too much. I give it three hot, wet kisses.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
This is Terry Bruge-Hiplo saying good day -- [cuts to the ending of Movie Reviews]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You know, not all friends and friendly and cuddly. Some are tough. Tough guys can be your friends, too. So I looked for the coolest guy in my neighborhood. His name is Mr. Steve Drambis (Steve Davis). Uh-huh. That's right. His first name -- It's the same as mine, Denny. [chuckles] It's spelled the same! [laughing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[still laughing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's exactly the same!

[Dr. Brule interviews Steve Davis]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You are a real tough guy. I don't know if you knew this, Steve, but I-I'm pretty cool, too. I have a leather jacket of my own.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't care.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're a pretty handsome fellow. You probably get a lot of attention from the ladies. Do you think of yourself as a hunk?

Steve Davis:
No. I like bears.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I like black bears.

Steve Davis:
Really?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[laughing] Yes! They like honey.

Steve Davis:
Very sweet.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Would it -- Would it be possible for you to take me for a ride on your mombercycle?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] So, this man called Steve who's not me took me out on his mombercycle. I could tell this Steve was gonna be my best friend forever. We had the same name, for Denny's sake!

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's funny to imagine bears riding motorcycles.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] He took me to the clubhouse of a mombercycle gang called "The Bears", with no girls allowed. At first I was scared, 'cause they looked a little rough. I thought they were gonna beat me up. But they took me in their arms and told me that I was a Bear too. It was the best night of my life.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] We drank rye whiskey. We were laughing, dancing, doing all the stuff that bears do. We even ate some honey. I don't...remember too much after this part.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I started to get a little bit dizzy from all the dancing. Oh, I got a little tipsy. I had to go to the bathroom.

[Dr. Brule starts to vomit on the toilet]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I had to go the bathroom at -- At both ends.

[Dr. Brule starts to poop while vomit in the bathroom]

Dr. Steve Brule:
The heck was in that whiskey? [vomits] STEVE!

[the next day, after Dr. Brule was sleeping in the Bears Clubhouse's restroom]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What the heck time is it?

[as Dr. Brule came out of the restroom, all of the Bears gang in the bar left except for the bartender]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I guess I really don't have any friends.

Bartender:
Need a ride?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[selfish] I'm gonna take the bus.

[Dr. Brule shoves his plants]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Maybe I'm depressed.

[Dr. Brule interviews Dr. Davis]

Dr. Steve Brule:
She's a s-- psycho-- psycholagicalist. How can you tell if a person is down in the dumps if you don't even know the person -- If you just met them?

Dr. Davis:
L-Let me -- Let me ask you some questions, okay, and see if you're depressed?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Dr. Davis:
Willing to do that? Okay. Do you consider yourself a sad person?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yes.

Dr. Davis:
And maybe lost interest in things you used to enjoy doing?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I-I don't care.

Dr. Davis:
And what about libido? Is your libido diminished at all?

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's -- What's "Libido"?

Dr. Davis:
Not as sexually active as you once were.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Beggars can't be choosers.

Dr. Davis:
If -- If a patient was telling me that, I'd say they're...showing some signs of depression -- Lack of energy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pbhttt. Dang it!

Dr. Davis:
But, you know, there's hope for it. It's very important that you realize that if you're depressed, you can go on medication, you can see a therapist. This is not -- Doctor, this is not something that you should feel...

[Dr. Brule depressingly leaves the set]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who -- Who even cares about this stupid show? It's just a bunch of punks watching us, anyway.

[Dr. Brule takes a walk at night]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, great. Just great. Another hunk. It's stupid. Who cares. WHO CARES?! I don't care. No one cares about me. [sighs] Maybe I'll get an ice cream. Maybe that'll cheer me up. Nope. Nope. Let me try another one.

Dr. Steve Brule:
3 time's the charm. 3 time's the charm. I guess I'll have another one. Does feel a little bit better. Hair of the dog. Might as well have a four -- Number four. Oh, well. At least I feel better about ice cream. Pretty good. What the heck? Let's make it five. Who am I kidding? All the flavors of ice cream in the world wouldn't take the place of friends.

[Dr. Brule sees a saxophone guy playing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Look at that cool guy. Maybe this trumpet man will be my friend. I wish I could play the trumpet. Worth a try.

Saxophone Guy:
[thinking] Steve, don't let the turkeys get you down. You gotta fly like an eagle, not...be like a turkey.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Thanks, Trumpet Man.

Saxophone Guy:
Get over it. It's your health. For your health.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hey, dooey, dooey. Sing along with me. Why don't you come with me? We'll go down to the deep blue sea. So take my hand...or wear a very warm coat...because you are going to go with me on a sailing broat.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a poem by Captain Roy Bringis (Roy Bruce).

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Captain Steve Brule, and today's show of "Check It Out" is gonna be about everything that I know very much about. It's called broats.

Dr. Steve Brule:
My favorite thing after a car is -- Is...we're about to set sail. Let's check it out!

[Dr. Brule plays with a toy boat]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whush! Boosh, goosh! Boosh! Goosh! Put the anchor down, you dingus! We're gonna sin--

Dr. Steve Brule:
A-hroy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I went to a...marinara and learned all about broats, and maybe you want to, too? Otherwise, why are you even watching this show?

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, I went down to a marina to see a bunch of broats, even though I have 5 of boats of my own. But I had to get ready to go on a broat, and the best way to get your body ready to go on a broats to eat a lot of seafood.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Guess what, we're lucky. There's a great seafood restaurant right here in the marina. And it's called DeLgrengo's (Delzano's).

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh! Seafood's expensive. Well, there's no way I was gonna pay all that paper money for some stinky old fish. [to Denny] Around the back! Shh!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Lucky 'cause of my Cousin Joshy, I knew that the restaurant puts all their leftovers in a place called a drumpster out back. [to Denny] Told you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So let's see -- Let's see what -- What we got in here.

[Dr. Brule checks the dumpster]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Bringo!

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's like opening a free present. Oh! What do we -- What do we have here? Little bit of crab, huh? [bites the dirty crab] I wish I had -- [coughs] pretty good.

[Dr. Brule eats another dirty seafood]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[chokes] Little bit tangy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
All this seafood has made me really thirsty.

[Dr. Brule gets some dirty water from the sea]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Looks clean to me. [drinks]

Dr. Steve Brule:
All those cab legs made me thirsty.

Carol Krabit:
Hi, this is Carol Krabit. Yesterday's Weather was not recorded, as my husband, Noon, and I were trapped in our attic after several hives of wasps made home in our bedroom. Those wasps stung us in our sleep. I woke up, and my eyes were swollen shut. No wonder those wasps love our bedroom, with all the honey, N-Noon leaves out. Thanks a lot, Noon.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule here with a special segment we call "Doctor To Pirate". I have my first guest. He's a real, live prirate from the high seas. His name is Ronnie Rongriguez.

[shows Ronnie Rodriguez as a Jack Sparrow character]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi, Rongie.

Ronnie Rodriguez:
How you doing, Dr. Steve?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Rongie, answer me this question. Why do pirates steal everyone's gold?

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Yeah, that -- That's a good question. Um...

Dr. Steve Brule:
What if -- What if I had some gold? Will you steal it from me?

Ronnie Rodriguez:
No, no, I wouldn't, because I'm just, uh, acting as a pirate.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Denny, put my wallet in a -- In your backpack. We got a sweeping pirate on the -- On the loose.

Dr. Steve Brule:
How come you have all that junk in your hair?

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Well, it's just part of my costume.

Dr. Steve Brule:
A little bit greasy.

Ronnie Rodriguez:
[laughs] Yeah.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's see.

[Dr. Brule takes off Ronnie's wig]

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Who!, Ah, there. Hey--

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh! [chuckles] You're right. It's like a -- It's like a mask on your head.

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Well...

Dr. Steve Brule:
You have pretty hair like a lady.

Ronnie Rodriguez:
[chuckles] Thank you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[smooches]

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Um.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Go on. Put it on, pirate. Who cares? You're a dirty pirate.

[Ronnie tries to put back his wig on]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'll help you.

Ronnie Rodriguez:
I-Its kind of has to go like this. Pull that --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Smell -- Smell like a baby.

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Here we go.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're my sweet baby pirate!

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Thank you, Doctor. I'm just gonna tie this in the back just to --

Dr. Steve Brule:
[smooches]

Ronnie Rodriguez:
...

Dr. Steve Brule:
I want to thank my very special baby prirate Ronnie Rongerson.

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Thank you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's very nice to meet you, my sweet baby pirate. [kisses Ronnie's hand]

Ronnie Rodriguez:
Whoa.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You have soft hands. I wish all prirates were soft like you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, I walked down a plank with a captain of a broat, name of Gary, who knew a little bit about broats -- Not as much as me 'cause I have 5 of broats.

Dr. Steve Brule:
How come you don't have a captain's hat?

Gary:
This is a captain's hat.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Eh, uh...

Gary:
Well, that's what -- This is what real captains wear.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's the most important thing to know for going on a broat?

Gary:
Most important thing is is safety.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Nope. Most important thing is, uh, to stay in the boat.

Gary:
I think that goes along with the safety issue.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know. I have 5 broats.

Gary:
Then you should know exactly what we're talking about.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[happily] I do.

[as Dr. Brule steps into Captain Gary's boat, he vomits]

Dr. Steve Brule:
WHAT THE HECK'S WRONG WITH YOUR BOAT?!

Gary:
There's nothing wrong with my boat.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm okay.

Gary:
Okay? Okay, let me close the gate here so you don't fall over the side here.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Close the gate up.

[as Gary was about the close the boat door, Dr. Brule gets out immediately]

[few minutes later]

Gary:
You sure you want to do this?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's try again.

Gary:
Okay.

[as Dr. Brule steps into Captain Gary's boat again, he once again, vomits]

Dr. Steve Brule:
How far can we go in this boat on a slow boat to China?

Gary:
Well, we could go about 150 miles if you wanted to, but I don't think that's gonna work today.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[vomits]

Gary:
I think it's time to go back.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yeah, I got to get out of this Captain's Cage.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your broats.

Carol Krabit:
I should look where the red light is? Psst.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I decided, who the heck needs a big boat like that and a big hunk captain, Gary? So, we're all off that boat anyways, so I just got myself a small one of my own. It's called a kryak.

[Dr. Brule tries to get on the boat]

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's just a regular boat. It's not that hard. I don't need a big engine, be a big hunk captain to have a boat. Tal-- Tallyho! For your boats.

[Dr. Brule rows the boat]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, where the heck am I? Feel like I'm getting farther away.

[water splashes]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Dang it. Lost my paddle. DENNY! I NEED A PADDLE! Fish -- OW! Quit biting my hands, fish! I'm gonna catch one of those birds and eat it. [chuckles] What the heck? These waves are going the wrong way.

[water splashes]

Dr. Steve Brule:
GET BA-- GET BACK HERE, KRYAK! Good thing I got the doggy paddle! Just have to doggy-paddle back. [grunting, laughs] Just head towards the sun. Just gotta head towards the sun. [gurgles] DENNY! HELP ME, DENNY! [gurgles]

Carol Krabit:
Hello, and welcome to "Crabbin' with Carol Krabit". I'm Carol Krabit. Chimner's point is the latest hot spot for blue crabs this season. And the bait of choice is shredded possum. Load some meat and drop a trap, and you got a sweet bushel of fat crabs. Good luck, men.

[after Dr. Brule got a sunburn from the Dry Fin Marina]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What did we learn about broats?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Drumpsters are a good place to keep crabs fresh.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Prirates use boats to steal gold, but they have pretty hair.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Captain Gary thinks he knows everything about the sea. Guess what -- He doesn't.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you're gonna go on a kryak, Denny should've keep track of where the heck you go in the high seas.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[crying] Can't stop shivering! I'm still very thirsty! I'M JUST GONNA WALK NEXT TIME! STUPID BROATS!

Dr. Steve Brule:
"First, I'll start with a little ass squeeze. Then I lick you from your [bleep] to your knees. I can't wait to get you alone".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's from Ron Don Volante's band, Bottoms Up. It's called "Get You Alone". It's a song.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi, I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today on "Check It Out", we're gonna learn all about pleasure. What is pleasure? Where did it come from? Who invented it? You could get pleasure from candy. You could get pleasure in your mouth, or you could...rub your dingus.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's check it out.

[intensely moves his head figuring out which camera to look at]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Where?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I saw a bull rub his penis, and it made milk.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[laughs] I was laughing 'cause I was tickling myself. [laughs] It's another way you have pleasure. You just go like this. [tickles his armpit] [laughs] It's easy. [laughs] Cut it out, Steve.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's a place on the whole earth that has the most fun and the most pleasure? Easy -- Crounty Fair.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's go there right now. What do you say? They have rides and candy and all kinds -- [music cue interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
The fair is a magical place. Has all kind of fun things for you to do all the time. All the candy you want, crotton candy, crandy apples, and games of chance.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] First up was the rides. I like to go on the best ride first. Name of a roller croaster.

[as Dr. Brule rides the short roller coaster, he then broke his nose when the ride is over]

Dr. Steve Brule:
IT WAS A -- IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! GOT HIT REAL BAD IN THAT CROASTER!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[covers his nose with a napkin] ...It was an accident!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Got to go on more rides, Denny! I can't just stop the report. For your rides.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I really hurt my nose. I might -- I might have broke it. Oh, well.

Clown:
[laughs] This little bastard little kid come up a little while ago, you know. I had a hot dog, and he took it right out of my hand, you know.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Here's me talking to this dingus clown. He wasn't even funny. He wasn't a nice clown like I like. He was just some old man dressed up as a clown.

[Dr. Brule does a Soup-Eating Contest]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I need some ice cubes.

[Dr. Brule gets on a fun swingy ride]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I feel real dizzy. I got a headache. For your ride.

[as the fun swingy ride starts to swing even more faster]

Dr. Steve Brule:
HEY! STOP!

Ron Don Volante:
Hello. I am Ron Don Volante with this Entertainment News Update. Have you or your family check out the deep soul group, Bottoms Up? Free Mp3's are available on the web, as well as live takes. Ron Don Volante's discreet. I guarantee it. Call me, Dave.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's easy to have pleasure. It's fun to have your body cleaned. Or rubbed. I found out 'cause I went to a Spaa.

[Dr. Brule smiles at the spa woman, and the spa woman smiles back]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I have to introduce the segment. Now, shh. Shush.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] First thing I did at the spaa was get a mashage. The -- The little man told me to lay down.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa, I got a real big zit there. [laughs like crazy]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Turns out, mashage felt pretty good. Too bad I'm so ticklish.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Spa Woman] It tickles when you touch my shoes.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Still, it was nice of this little man to touch me like that.

Spa Woman:
Okay. Lie down and turn over.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then they started to squeeze me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Squeezed a lot of gas out of me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sorry about that. All I've been eating all week is cream chip beans.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then I had to go to my next stop in the spaa -- The room where you get yourself washed, so the little man helped me get my clothes off. That was nice.

[Dr. Brule goes to his next spa treatment where he get himself washed]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to the naked people] Hi, guys.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I was just hanging around with some cool guys, getting our bodies washed, all our parts. Who cares? Who are you to judge?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I wasn't shy about being naked. It's just your body.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just taking a seat. Ooh. Spardon me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I thought I'd get bored in the soup tub, so I just had a contest with myself of hoe I could hold my breath.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tastes like, uh, sweat. Whew! It's hot like a soup in here! I got to get out of here before I turn into a noodle.

[Dr. Brule goes to his next spa treatment where he takes a shower]

Dr. Steve Brule:
This is, uh, where you warsh up.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I gave this fellow a little shower slap. Just a little horseplay.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to a naked guy] Gotcha!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Cleaning out my dirty parts. You got to wash out your old.

[Dr. Brule goes to his next spa treatment where he goes to a heating room]

Dr. Steve Brule:
This is a real hot box in here!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. Guess where we get to go now. The best place in the whole world... [music cue plays] ...the Candy Store. Ha ha! They have all kind of candies, and this little lady was giving it to me for free.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What kind of candy is this?

Candy Woman:
That's going to be cinnamon flavor.

[Dr. Brule eats the cinnamon flavor candy]

Candy Woman:
How's that one?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pretty good. Tastes like a piece of rubber.

Candy Woman:
Go ahead and try that one.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then she gave me a candy worm, which wasn't sweet. Guess what it tasted like. Sour as my Daddy's lips.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[coughs] TASTES LIKE A PICKLE! [spits it out on his mic]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] It was like sweet-and-sour soup without any soup or sweet.

[Dr. Brule tastes the candy worm he had in its mouth again, but still disgusted by it]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Finally, we got to my favorite candy of all...

Candy Woman:
Do you want to try these?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] ...The Lorrypop.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's the best way to eat these?

Candy Woman:
Well, probably to lick it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know. Who wants to lick it? It goes too slow.

[as Dr. Brule takes a hard bite out of the Lorrypop, he suddenly starts to break one of his teeth]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I think I chipped my tooth. Denny, I think I chipped my tooth. [grunts] I think I chipped my tooth!

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your candy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm here with one of my neighbors from Bixburrough Apartments, Hippy Joel. He's here to talk about pleasure.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sometimes the things that give you pleasure could hurt you, like I got hurt real bad from candy?

Hippy Joel:
Hurt by candy?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I tried, uh, a hard lollipop.

Hippy Joel:
The best part of the lollipop is the stick. You suck and suck and suck. Then you get pleasure.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hippy Joel, what is the secret to happiness? I can't seem to find it myself. Pleeease?

Hippy Joel:
I brought with me a mystical root that will help you reach that level of serenity, peace. It will free you in a fertile soil of ecstasy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tastes like a cow bathroom.

Hippy Joel:
[looks at the camera] Unleash your mind. Let it flow from the feet to the top of your head. You will release that pressure, that pain.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[gags]

Hippy Joel:
You will be filled with unbelievable pleasure.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Feels like my a**hole's on fire!

Hippy Joel:
That means the negatives are releasing from your body. Let it flow.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Feels like my a**hole's on fire!

Hippy Joel:
Don't pucker.

Dr. Steve Brule:
FEELS LIKE MY A**HOLE'S ON FIRE!

Hippy Joel:
[laughs]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[laughs] Feels like my a**hole's on fire! IT FEELS LIKE MY A**HOLE'S ON FIRE!

Hippy Joel:
Yeah, baby!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[distorted] YEAH, BABY!

Hippy Joel:
[laughs] Go with it! [distorted laughter]

[then Dr. Brule starts to experience some crazy hallucinations after taking a mystical root]

Hippy Joel:
JOY.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[whispered] Feels like my a**hole's on fire.

Hippy Joel:
JOYAH!

Dr. Steve Brule:
I can't find my teeth.

[Dr. Brule sees a scene of a naked spa guy who's been sitting with him in the heating room this entire interview]

Dr. Steve Brule:
AAH! GET OUT OF HERE, BROWN MAN!

Hippy Joel:
JOY!

Hippy Joel:
FIFIFIFIFIFIFIFIFIFIFIFI--

Dr. Steve Brule:
I can't find my teeth.

Hippy Joel:
Here we go! I think you need a little lube. [gives Dr. Brule more of the mystical root making Brule more insane] Lubricant, baby!

Ron Don Volante:
[weakly] Do-do-do, da-ha. Do-do-do-do. Ah.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Dang flies.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't know all of these people talking to me at the same time. I can't understand.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Can't go around, go around back again... [mumbling]

Dr. Steve Brule:
"I'll have a hot dog with extra sauce". "What the f*** are you looking at, stupid [bleep]. P-- D-- You think I'm made out of money"? "No, I just asked for a hot dog with extra sauce". "F*** you, ass [bleep]".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a scene from ym favorite movie, "Cold Hard Cash", directed by Steven Briegel.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today our show's gonna be all about money, honey.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Money talks. Bull [bleep] walks.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Money. Where the heck does it come from? You could have a job -- A summer job -- Selling popcorn. But guess what. I know where to get a lot of it, and I don't mean a brank. I mean a place called mint, where they make money. Can just make as much as you want. [chuckling] We're gonna be rich. Let's check it out!

[music cue plays, until it cuts to the next scene where Dr. Brule is still on his set after talking his introduction about money]

Dr. Steve Brule:
It was closed. They don't allow people to go to mint on Tuesdays. Oh, well. Sorry, sucker.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, instead, we went to visit with Denny's aunt, who is a he-- headhunter who helps people get jobs. That's another way to get money. So, that's the best we can do. Just check it ou-- [cue interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
How do you get a job? What if I was just a joe shroe? What would I do to get a job? How would you get me a job, lady?

Paulette:
Well, the first thing we would need to do is some testing with you. So, why don't we go do that?

Dr. Steve Brule:
You look like my friend, Jannie. Do you ever watch that show "Channel 5 News"?

Paulette:
Uh-huh.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You look like Jannie's sister.

Money Accountant Lady:
Okay. We'll start doing some testing, and we can talk further.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Paulette:
You ready to do it?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yes, be go-bretters.

Paulette:
So, the first thing we're gonna do is pretty easy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Paulette:
So, you're gonna have 30 seconds to line these titles, starting with number 1 all the way to number 9, in sequence. You ready? Go.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Go!

[Dr. Brule tries to line the titles from number 1 to number 9]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I got this. I got this.

Paulette:
Okay, good.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just relax.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yeah. 6. 6. 7. What the heck? You got two 6s. It's a trick question.

Paulette:
Uh...well --

Dr. Steve Brule:
What were you trying to do -- Shanghai me?

Paulette:
Uh, well, now remember--

Dr. Steve Brule:
[shoves the titles away] Let's go to the next test.

Paulette:
Okay. And --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Are you ticklish?

Paulette:
No, I'm not. Okay. So, go ahead and --

Dr. Steve Brule:
I am, if you wanted to tickle me.

Paulette:
I want you to go ahead and fill this out the best you can.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[smooches]

Paulette:
So, we're gonna start with your last name and then your first name and your middle initial.

Dr. Steve Brule:
My last name -- Like, from my name from before? It was "Little Stevie". Now my grownup name is Dr. Steven Brule.

Paulette:
Okay. So, what you do is you put "Dr. Brule".

[Dr. Brule fills out the application with his name, but wrote it weakly like a children's drawing]

Paulette:
Put it down as best you can, okay?

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's the shape of the snake letter look like?

Paulette:
...Y-You don't know what an "S" looks like?

Dr. Steve Brule:
"S". Oh!

Paulette:
Okay. And then they want you to list areas of highest proficiency -- Your appicable position.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[whispers to Paulette's ear] What's "Proficiency"? [smooches]

Paulette:
This is a test to see if you can see differences.

Dr. Steve Brule:
This one's easy.

[Dr. Brule sees the picture of one guy wearing a mustache and another guy without wearing a mustache]

Paulette:
Uh-huh.

Dr. Steve Brule:
They're both hunks. Check, plea-- [cue interrupts]

Doug Prishpreed:
Hi, sports fans. I'm Doug Prishpreed. Left-hander Spruce Mouthman has announced that he'll be competing in the Annual Deuces Dairy Outdoor Decathlon. There will be seven other dopes involved, so make sure you stretch your muscles. It's gonna be one heck of a dairy race.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Getting a job is one way to make money, but there's a lot of other ways. My next guest, Dr. Rongald Branger (Ronald Barker), is gonna teach us all about how to play tricks on s-- The people in a crasino.

Dr. Steve Brule:
...

Ronald Barker:
Like the show.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Welcome to be here.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell me about, uh -- About h-how you make money.

Ronald Barker:
Well, basically, I play, um, um, blackjack, and I use a counting system called high-low.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know.

Ronald Barker:
Basically, it's a counting system that you use--

Dr. Steve Brule:
You gonna do a magic trick? My Uncle Gary is a magician, and he knows all -- All kinds of card tricks.

Ronald Barker:
[chuckles] But we'll get back to Blackjack. The reason why you're betting in blackjack is--

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wh--What if you -- You use coin money or paper money in a crasino?

Ronald Barker:
Oh, typically, you're gonna use chips. What you're gonna do is --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Like Tortilla chips.

Ronald Barker:
No, no tortilla chips. We us gambling chips.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, or sour-cream-and-onion chips for your health.

Ronald Barker:
I tell ya, if they were scented that way, more people would probably play.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know.

Ronald Barker:
When you're counting cards, you're basically watching the hands come out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, all this talk about chips is making me hungry. Denny, give me some chips.

[Denny gives Dr. Brule some chips]

Ronald Barker:
And so when we're playing blackjack, if the dealer has a face card up, we assume that the card down is a face card, but we'll show one hand. So, we got an 8, and we got am 18. So, basically, on 18 -- Very close to 21 -- You might want to stay.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hit me. [quickly eats a chip]

Ronald Barker:
28. We just lost.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Want some chips?

Ronald Barker:
No, I think I'm gonna pass right now.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[mumbles]

Ronald Barker:
Alright. We'll run another one.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who cares? I have a whole bowl.

Ronald Barker:
Now you have a 13 against a 9.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hit me.

Ronald Barker:
Hit you?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[gurgles] Okay.

Ronald Barker:
So, basically, do you want to play another hand?

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's enough of this dribble-drabble. I think I got the brasics down. Let's go to the crasino and, uh, make some big bucks. See you later, doctor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Crashinos have been around for thousands of years. Who started grambling? Who was the first big-time riverboat grambler? Who cares? Probably some hunk who said, "Want to bet? Huh"? What are you waiting for? Let's go gramble.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wh--What's the first grambling to do? You go to the best machine, of course, you dingus. [chuckles] I found out the easiest one. Me and Denny already figured it out. What's the easiest one? It pays every time. We win every time.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You give 1 of paper against 4 of coin. [chuckles] Just take your paper money. Make sure the mushroom's on top. Then you put it in the hole. And then just wait.

[as Dr. Brule puts the money into the ATM slot, the ATM shoots out coins]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Jackpot!

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, we got some money from Denny's library card. Now we're gonna play Backtrack.

Blackjack Guy:
Would you like to place a bet?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm good all the way. Take them all. Come on, Backcheck!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Blackjack Guy] Don't forget I know about card crowning. Shh!

[as the Blackjack Guy puts out all the cards down on desk, Dr. Brule follows the cards and counts them in his head]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ah! [gets a joker card] Blackjack! Pay up, sucker.

Blackjack Guy:
No blackjack.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What are you talking about? I didn't want that one. I said maybe I'll have another one.

Blackjack Guy:
You asked for a hit, sir.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just let me have some of those back.

Blackjack Guy:
You're gonna have to behave yourself--

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's just share our chips.

Blackjack Guy:
You have to control yourself. I'm gonna have to call the pit boss.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just relax. Come on! Let's be friends.

Pit Boss #1:
Playing's over, sir. Come with us, sir.

Dr. Steve Brule:
WHAT?!

Pit Boss #2:
It's okay.

Pit Boss #1:
Come on. Let's go.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Come on, you guys. Just -- Just relax. It's just a game. Who cares? [laughing] IT'S JUST A GAME! WHO CARES!

[Dr. Brule tries to get away the 2nd time, but failed]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to one of the pit bosses] B*tch.

Doug Prishpreed:
Hey, sports fans. Tomorrow's cannon shoot is postponed. This is bad news for cannon.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, what'd we learn about money?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Mint is closed on Tuesdays. Yes, it is.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sour-cream-and-onion chips are good for your health. [burps]

Dr. Steve Brule:
One of paper equals four of coin. [singsong] Told you!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Crasino hunks break your bones if you talk with a sass mouth.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hope my legs are better in a week, 'cause our hrospital's gonna take back my scooter chair.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your health.

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Moon man one, moon man one, this us, uh -- This Red Headquarters. You ready to go"? "Yes, I'm ready to go". "One small mankind". I'm gonna leap the heck out of this moon rockets".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a quote by Kneel Aurmstrang.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today on "Check it Out", we're gonna learn about something that you don't know about.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's called space.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You'd think you would know about it. It's all around you -- Stars and suns and moons and planets and earths and suns and planets. And stars.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's check it out. Shut the camera off. Save the batteries.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Space. Didn't you always want to know about it? What could space be? What could it be made out of? What the heck is all those lights out there? Is it just a black curtain with holes in it?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't know! I'm trying to find out! That's why I went to an observatory to figure it out. I met there a guy, has the world's largest microscope for looking at space. He's a great astrologer. Name of dang.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] So, this man, name of dang, showed me around this big, old, dirty church where they have a microscope to look up close at stars. Look at me. Here I am, walking right there.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, give it to me straight, Dingle. How big is the universe?

Astrologist:
We don't know. The universe may be infinite in size.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell me, then. How did this place start?

Astrologist:
Well, there was a guy named George Hail who hiked up this mountain 1903, and so he started it and founded the Mount Wilson Observatory. [sees Dr. Brule touching his jacket]

Dr. Steve Brule:
May I ask you a very serious question?

Astrologist:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Where did you get this leather jacket?

Astrologist:
Oh, it was a gift.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hey. Cool guy.

Astrologist:
[laughs]

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, what're y'all sitting up here on top of the rock, wasting your time for? Everyone knows space is just a bunch of rocks and gas, right?

Astrologist:
Well...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Got ya.

Astrologist:
Right.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What about in the old days before they had a big, uh, dirty church full of junk to look at the sta - Stars? What did Gralileo look -- Look though? What kind of microscope did he have?

Astrologist:
Yeah, we have one of those here. It's an old refracting type telescope, and you --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's check it out.

Astrologist:
Alright.

[Dr. Brule and Astrologist hold hands together like a married couple]

[Dr. Brule uses a telescope]

Dr. Steve Brule:
How do you work it?

Astrologist:
Well, all you have to do is look through this little, tiny eyepiece in the back. Can you see anything there?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh. I see my apartment building. Let's see where else I can see? Whoa! Whoa! That's Janet's house. That's Jan and Wayne Skylar, the Married News Team.

[here we see Janet rubbing lotion on herself in her natural habitat]

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's right, girl. Get yourself clean. [to Astrologist] Buzz of, Doc. I need some privacy.

[Astrologist leaves]

[Jan's butt gurgling]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's wrong.

[Jan starts to go on the toilet]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Uh-oh. Go number two. She's got to empty her spaghetti house. This is just my luck.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Come on, Jan. Pinch it off.

Jan Skylar:
WAYNE!

Dr. Steve Brule:
She's sitting on the potty.

[Wayne comes in to help Jan do something]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh! She can wash herself. Wayne's cleaning her whistle.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Come on, Jan. Show me your ham and eggs.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[smooches] First base.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
Good morning. This is Terry Bruge-Hiplo. Here are this week's movies to watch.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
"Saw a Dang Stranger". I give it two kisses and three wet mouths. The film is nothing more than the card issues, wishes wrapped in that last bone, behind the dashed tore, and cramped seven lash.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
Moon bort zap feeble seven, tins botism, tis-uh-mista-pa.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What about aliens and U.F.O.S? They could come from space, too. Luckily, I have a neighbor who knows all about aliens. He told me he'd teach me about it if I gave him some milk.

[Dr. Brule gave David Liebe Hart some milk so he can talk about aliens]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Have as much milk as you want.

David Liebe Hart:
Oh, that's fine.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What do the aliens look like --

David Liebe Hart:
Oh, more. [slurps] I know I'm part white, but this milk makes me whiter!

Dr. Steve Brule:
How did you learn so much about outer space, Drangle?

David Liebe Hart:
On my Caucasian side, I'm related to Orville and Wilbur Wright that made the airplane. And they got there by back engineering technology from working with the Omegans and the Carindians and the Baladians.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[serious] Listen, Drangle Hart...doctor to doctor, tell me the truth about the aliens. You don't have to -- You don't have to sugarcoat it with me. I can take the truth. Tell me which ones are real and which ones are bunch of baloney.

David Liebe Hart:
I'm telling you. I'm not lying. I was abducted. I'm telling you the truth.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo trash to me..

David Liebe Hart:
Well, you can't tell a doubting thomas anything.

[music plays intensifies]

David Liebe Hart:
...When am I gonna be able to get a copy of this? 'Cause I'm an actor, and I like to have a copy of everything I've been on.

[last music note intensifies]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[repeating] Space.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you wanna know about space, you have to know about the planets. If you want to know about the planets, you have to listen to me right now. Sun, Mercurus, Uraanus, uh, Water Planet...Plunto, and, uh, this one they didn't have a name for it yet. It's too far away.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You can name it if you want. You can name it Dorris, after my Mom...if you want. It's up to you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule for a segment we call "Doctor to Doctor". My...Hi. My name -- Hi. My name's Dr. Steve Brule. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. I'm -- [coughs]

[Outtake 2]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Welcome to another one of our segments called "Doctor to Doctor". My first guest -- My next --

[Outtake 3]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. My name's Dr. -- Hi. Welcome back. Hi. Our next segment is called "Doctor to Doctor", with Dr. Dingud Forester. He's here to talks about space.

David Falk:
Absolutely.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You look a little bit like a rat with glasses.

David Falk:
Um...right.

Dr. Steve Brule:
But it doesn't matter. You're a scientist. Who cares?

David Falk:
Um, so, you asked me to come out here today so you could talk --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Do you think there's life on Earth?

David Falk:
Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell me a story about black holes.

David Falk:
Well, black holes are basically --

Dr. Steve Brule:
No, it has to start "Once upon a time"....

David Falk:
Okay. Once upon a time, uh...in the 17000s, we had some astronomers that wondered what would happen if gravity became so strong in a star that the object would capture its own light.

[then Dr. Brule sleeps dreaming about Jan Skylar in the shower with Dr. Brule]

David Falk:
And we've also found what's called super massive black holes at the centers of galaxies. These are things that are millions of times more massive than the sun.

Dr. Steve Brule:
This is a good story.

Jan Skylar:
You're my favorite doctor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[distorted] You're my favorite Jan.

Wayne Skylar:
Hello, Doctor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Get out of here, Wayne. This is my dream.

[then David Liebe Hart shows up in his dream seducing Dr. Brule]

Dr. Steve Brule:
AH! ITS THE DANG PUPPET MASTER!

David Liebe Hart:
WAKE UP DOCTORRR!

[Dr. Brule's dream ends]

David Falk:
You okay?

Dr. Steve Brule:
...

David Falk:
Well, I hope this, uh -- I hope this has been beneficial. I hope you the discussion.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If that's your opinion.

Carol Krabit:
Hi, this is Carol Krabit, with "Your Fortune". There will be a fancy party held in your honor. You will be asked to appear nude and pass gas onto a hat. The hat will be worn by a friend for the rest of the day.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, that's everything we needed to know about space. What have we learned?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Leather jackets make it even make an old men look like a cool guy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wayne keeps Janny's whistle clean, uh, as a whistle.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Aliens are real. Told you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Black holes are good for a nap.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, I'm glad you could stick around and learn something. Hopefully you learned something about space. If you didn't, it's not my fault.

Dr. Steve Brule:
We forgot to do rockets. [knocks down a solar system model]

Dr. Steve Brule:
This episode of "Chunk it Out" is brought to you by Toad's New Cream Chip Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can. It's part of Toad's New Beef series. Come on down to Myer's Super Foods and pick up 10 cans. You can eat it cold, dummy. It's Combo Can. If you don't like Crimmed Chip Beef, just eat the Corned Beef Hash Part, you dangus.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[singing] They say that dronkey is man's best friend. [realizes his show is starting and sang it too early]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Go!

[one of the crew turn on the lights, so Dr. Brule can start his quote]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[singing] They say that dronkey is man's best friend, he'll be by you until you get to the end. Even if you need help when you're walking around with your hands full.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just turn around and look, you dingus. Your best friend's an animal.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That was a folk song by Beverly Drangus.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Welcome back to "Check it Out", the show where we check things out. Guess what we're checking out today. Can you guess?

Dr. Steve Brule:
ANIMALS!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Do you ever wonder what an animal thinks or how an animal is feeling? Why don't you ask, you jackass? Just joshing. A jackass is an animal, too. Let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
There are so many animals in the world. Like my old friend Tom Turkey right here. Guess what. Animals aren't just for petting or eating. I met some people who really want to be an animal who have the name of furries. We went to their house, and I talked to them about...well, you'll see.

[Dr. Brule and the guys wear furry outfits]

Dr. Steve Brule:
How come I have to be the dronkey?

Furry Fan Girl:
You look good.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Denny] Can you see the donkey drangus on camera? Does it come with a bathroom hole? I had a whole can of creamed corn for breakfast.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hey, I have an idea. Let's have an animal parade. Ready? Go.

[Dr. Brule and the guys do an animal parade]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Not that fun, but what else you gonna do dressed up like a dang animal?

Pablo Myers:
Hello. I'm Pablo Myers from Myer's Super Foods. Looking for a new recipe to spice up your Sunday dinners? Try taking one head of broccoli and boiling it until it turns into mush. Then take one large can of Toad's Creamed Chipped Beef and Corned Beef Hash and add to boiling water.

Pablo Myers:
I've eaten this many, many times, and it never has given me a rash.

Pablo Myers:
I am Myer's Man.

[Pablo was about to say something else, but then it got cut off for the next segment]

Dr. Steve Brule:
My next guest is a doctor, too. Mr. Sawn Roach. Welcome.

Sean Roach:
Thank you for having me on your set here.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's your favorite animal to eat?

Sean Roach:
Uh...actually, I don't eat any animals.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who cares what you eat? Let's put a zipper in the chitchat!

Sean Roach:
We're gonna start out with a -- With a spider. Most tarantulas actually like to spend their time down on the ground.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[sighs]

Sean Roach:
[pulls out his tarantula] This species is --

Dr. Steve Brule:
WATCH OUT! IT'S ON YOUR ARM!

Sean Roach:
It's actually very fast for a spider.

Dr. Steve Brule:
PUT THAT DANG THING AWA--

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
Hello. I'm Terry Bruge-Hiplo, and I just finished my first can of Toad's New Creamed Chipped Beef Corn Beef Hash Combo Can. Part of Toad's new beef series. I can't tell you how full I am with salted meat. I'd eat two more cans if I could. I'm sure I'd be sick. There's a lot of beef in my stomach. [stomach gurgles] I'm disappointed that my body will eventually digest and process all this meat, and I'll have to say goodbye to it -- Forever. Thank god there's another can waiting for me. Thanks, Toad's.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. Guess where I am at. Nope. I am the Z-E-W, Zoo. That's where they keep all kind of animals so you can look at them and see if you know about animals. There was supposed to be a b-- [emergency price alert sign intensifies]

Pablo Myers:
[repeated] Half price on all damaged cans.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. We're back. We're gonna do a segment now we call "Doctor to Animal". This is Chipper the Dog. He's supposed to be as smart as a horse. So how come you carry this dog around with you all the time?

Dog Woman:
I'm totally blind, so the dog really does the seeing for both of us.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh. How many fingers am I holding up? [does random finger movements]

Dog Woman:
I don't even know if you're holding up any.

Dr. Steve Brule:
3.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You have a very lovely smile.

Dog Woman:
Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Can you guess what I look like?

Dog Woman:
Oh, um...

Dr. Steve Brule:
I look like George Crooney.

Dog Woman:
I don't know what George Crooney looks like.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, he's a hunk.

Dog Woman:
That's great.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I have a very, shiny, shiny blond hair.

Dog Woman:
Gee...

Dr. Steve Brule:
And big white teeth. Big as a beaver.

Dog Woman:
Well, that's sounds wonderful.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I guess people say I'm the prettiest hunk there ever was. [aggressively winks at the camera a couple of times]

Dog Woman:
Wow! Okay. [chuckles] You know, I-I don't know.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Could you teach me to be a guide drog man? You could brush me like a dog. You could give me a bath.

Dog Woman:
No.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Smell my breath and see if I'm nice.

Dog Woman:
Oh, no. Absolutely not.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I think I could just go get any old dog from the pround and take it out for a walk, teach it how to be a gride dog.

Ron Don Volante:
Hi. I'm Ron Don Volante, senior manager of Bottoms Up. Instead of downloading my music, I like to download some of my thoughts about Toad's New Creamed Chipped Beef Corn Beef hash Combo Can. Part of Toad's new beef series.

Ron Don Volante:
Creamy. Chipped. Beefy. Corned. Hashy. Right.

Ron Don Volante:
I just add it to my stove and heat it right up out of the can. Tastes good. What do you want me to do, not eat this hash?

[Dr. Brule tries to takes care of a wild dog]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa, whoa. SIT STAY! STAY! SIT! I found this dog to show how easy it is just to have a dog of your own. It's not that hard. Just gave me a little nip, but -- SIIIT!

[after it cuts to the next scene to technical difficulties, it went back to the same scene with the dog where Dr. Brule mistakenly lets go of the dog's leash for some reason]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[scared] What did we learn about animals?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Toad's Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can is available at Myer's Super Foods.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Toad's Creamed Chipped Beef Hash Combo Can can be cooked on the stove right in the can. Just turn on the gas.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Damaged cans are just as good as regular cans of Toad's Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can.

Dr. Steve Brule:
SOMEBODY GET THE DOG CATCHER! THIS THING'S GONE CRAZY!

Dr. Steve Brule:
I just want to get my turkey back.

[Wild Dog barks at Dr. Brule more, viciously]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Denny STOP making faces at it! It's making him mad! HE'S GONNA BITE YO--

Pablo Myers:
Hello. I'm Pablo Myers, and I have an emergency message. My wife, Paula Lynn Myers, has been missing for 3 days now. She's 5'2" and smells like bad eggs. She does know how to survive on Toad's line of Creamed Meat products. That's the one thing she's got going for her. If you have any information, please call us immediately. I am Pablo Myers. [yawns]

Dr. Steve Brule:
" A Mommy, a auntie, a grandma, a newly wedded wife. If you plant a seed in them, you may create a life".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's from a birthday card I got from my Mommy, Dorris Pringle-Brule. Thank you very much, Mommy. [smooches]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today's show's all about life. That's life. It's important as life itself. Let's check it out. Swoosh!

[the camera swooshes down]

Dr. Steve Brule:
To the side. To the side.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, sweet life. Where does life -- Where does life even come from? Where's -- What's the -- What's the mystery of life? Right here. [points to a tiny baby cradle] Life comes from eggs. They're not just from omelets, you dingus. You could make a baby boy or a baby girl, too.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For the next segment, I got to spend some times with a very important person to me. Can you guess who it is? Let's check it out. I ask my Mom-- [covers his mouth knowing that he messed up his surprise]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Now we're gonna talk to the person who knows all about what I was like when I was little baby. She's my Mommy.

[a toilet flush was heard, when Dr. Brule realizes her Ma's in the bathroom]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I haven't seen her so much in a long time, because she lives with a new man in this house in this basement.

[Dr. Brule's Mom came back from the bathroom]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Told you. There she is. Hi, Mommy. [smooches] On the nose. [smooches] On the head.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Mommy, what happened to you? You look a little bit chubby.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Well, I have to tell you that I'm gonna have a baby.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Why are you gonna have another baby?

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Mobin put a special gift inside of me. His name will be Saran.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
When the baby's born, I don't want you to come around the house anymore, Stevie. I had a nightmare that I had a baby that looked just like you. And I dreamt I drowned it, 'cause I didn't want anyone like you anymore.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, that's your choice.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
You had your time. Now it's time for Mobin's child.

[Mobin arrives]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi, Mobin.

Mobin:
...

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
[to his son] It's not good that you're here.

[Mobin and Dr. Brule's Ma have a serious conversation]

Mobin:
Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Yes, master.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[looks at Denny in a wtf moment of what he's witnessing]

Doug Prishpreed:
You have a small Dad? Well, this weekend in this Short Dads Bowling Pageant, I'm gonna stee-rike up with Bob Samms, winner of last year's bowling tiara.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Welcome back. The theme of our show is all about life and death. Who knows better about being alive than a little baby? [to a baby] What's it like, uh, being a little baby? Can you -- Can you say any words?

Baby:
...

Dr. Steve Brule:
I told you he's not gonna be able to say any words, you dingus.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[thinking] I wonder what it would be like to have my own baby instead of just a baby as a guest. I wonder...hmm...I will call it Roy. Sometimes babies are bad.

[Dr. Brule imagines having a baby]

Dr. Steve Brule:
BABY ROY! NO, BABY ROY! STOP.

[Dr. Brule spanks Roy]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Be a good baby! Slow! That's my good Baby Roy. You're the only son I ever wished I had.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[tickles Roy] Goochie goochie goo! Goochie goochie goo roo! [smooches] Time for a baby nap. Hey, son, let's take a father-son nap, son. [snoring]

[as Dr. Brule sleeps, his baby got away]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Dress. Roy? Baby Roy? Baby Roy?! BABY ROY?! ROOOOOOOOY! SOMEONE HELP! I LOST MY BABY ROOOOY! Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy! Someone help help! I lost my Baby Roooooy!

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm Dr. Steve Brule, with another section of my show, called "Doctor --" [cue interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. What do you do in the office?

Aykur Bayrak:
Well, we're a fertility practice --

Dr. Steve Brule:
We went over to Moblin's house, where he lives with my mother, name of Dorris Pringle-Salahari-Brule now.

Aykur Bayrak:
Well, um...

Dr. Steve Brule:
She just said, "Get out of here, Steven. You're dead to me. Mobin's child is all that matters to me now. And I love Mobin and..."

Dr. Steve Brule:
What do you need me to do?

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
Here's your cup.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
I just need you to go into that room and give me your sample. And when you're done, just bring your sample out with you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Cheers.

[few minutes later]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Here you go. I got more if you need it.

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
No, not urine.

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
I know. I -- Oh. Oh! I gotcha. Okay.

[another few minutes later]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sorry. I stunk up the joint a little bit.

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
Did you just defecate in the room, into the cup?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[happily] Yes!

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
Okay, so now I'm gonna connect the extraction.

Dr. Steve Brule:
This just goes on my dingus?

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
Yes.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's feeling a bit shy. It went in the gopher hole. Oh, you pinched the tip a little bit.

Fertility Clinic Nurse:
So, I'm gonna go ahead and turn on the machine, and the process is gonna start, okay?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

[Fertility Clinic Nurse turns on the machine to vibrate Dr. Brule's private area to get more semen]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[vibrating] I -- It feels tingly on my dingus. Oh, my. Here it comes! [exhales] Oh! I'M MAKING GRAVY! YEAH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! Turn this thing off! I'm dry!

Carol Krabit:
--Kept me up. Oh!

Carol Krabit:
This is Carol Krabit, with "Your Fortune". I've got bad news for anyone who experienced a bad dream last night. It was Solstice Eve. And you are now part of a demon family.

Carol Krabit:
He got inside you. Sorry. [smiles]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Got news from the sperms laboratory. Supposed to tell me if I can have a baby of my own. Let's find out. Probably can. Drumroll.

[as Dr. Brule checks the results]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sperms are no good. I'm SHOOTING BLANKS! Doing this stupid episode about life! This show's not even about life anymore. It's about death. WHO CARES?! [drops and smashed the baby egg on floor]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. here to do a segment about death. Who cares?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Guess what I was just told.

Rob Karlin:
What?

Dr. Steve Brule:
When the doctor took my berry juice, told me I was important (impotent), so I can't have a baby.

Rob Karlin:
Okay. I'm sorry to here that.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who cares? I just might as well be dead. This is the end of the line for me, Charlie. I'm just gonna hang up my saddle and just get out of here and just stop living. Here. Hold on to this.

[Dr. Brule gives his mic to Rob as he gets inside the coffin]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'll miss you, old timer. [smooches] One more for good luck.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Denny, burn all the videotapes. I don't even care. Throw 'em in the trash.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Here he goes. Probably won't be too much air in here for very long.

Rob Karlin:
Okay.

Dr. Steve Brule:
The end.

Rob Karlin:
Alright.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Close her up, old-timer. Just going into the big white light. I really am gonna die, Denny. I'm gonna hold my breath till I die in here. I'll be dead! Just going to the other side where the alive people can't go. I'll miss you, Janny. I'll miss you, Wayne. And I'll miss you, Mommy. And I'm...oh, well.

[as Rob closes Dr. Brule's coffin, Rob leaves the ceremony]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Here we go. Slipping away. Get -- Getting a real musty smell here for my breath. [yawns]

[after the credits, Dr. Brule gets up from the coffin]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm hungry.

[secret quote]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I've come back from the dead, just like Jengus. Watch out for your health.

[as the "Check it Out" introduction plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Linda] You're not in charge.

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Hurry up, Wilbur". Give me a push". "Shut up, Orville, you idiot. Trying to make it go as fast as I can".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a quote about planes from the Wil-- Wilbur...Orville Right Brothers.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today, we're gonna talk about plane. What kind of plane? Airplane, you dingus. Goes up in the sky. Take you to fly around. What do you think it is, a kite?

Dr. Steve Brule:
There's also some different parts of the show that's gonna be different. You might not like it. We'll see, and we'll -- I'll tell y-- I'll tell you after the music.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Planes. They're the fastest way to get around. Zip you in the sky like a bird.

Linda Barrelli:
Well, since the dawn of time, man has dreamed --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Guess you're gonna be on the show now.

Linda Barrelli:
Yes. Well, since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying, and it's only been about...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wasn't my choice.

Linda Barrelli:
...100 years since the Wright Brothers took that historic flight.

Dr. Steve Brule:
We're going...to go to Whitman Airport. We're going to go on a real plane with propeller. And I have a bromber jacket just like a flyboy.

Linda Barrelli:
Let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'll...I'll do it. Let's ch-- [music cue interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Channel 5 made me get a new cro-host. They said they had to spice up the show, give it more jazz. I thought it was good like it was. So, we just walked around this big old dusty barn, talking about planes.

Pilot:
[to Linda] Now I'm kind of partial to single-engine airplanes.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Me, too.

Pilot:
[to Linda] Especially if you're flying at night.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's get this old girl started up.

[Dr. Brule spins the propeller blade]

Pilot:
Oh, no. Don't -- Don't do that. Don't do that. That will hurt the engine.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] This dirty old man is the pilot of the plane. Linda just kept hogging the whole interview.

Linda Barrelli:
So, this is the plane we're going to be taking up?

Pilot:
This is a Cessna 182--

Dr. Steve Brule:
Finally.

Linda Barrelli:
Well, are we about ready to hit the skies?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yeah, I'm ready.

Pilot:
Oh, I'm sorry. We have a weight limitation on this airplane, so we can only take one passenger. Ladies first, so we'll take her up today.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, it doesn't have to be ladies first. Sometimes, it's a man first. Don't be an air hog, Linda.

Pilot:
It's nice to have eyes on the ground. We'll set you up with a walkie-talkie and binoculars so you can watch us take --

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's your choice.

Pilot:
[to Linda] Push forward.

Dr. Steve Brule:
She doesn't have a bromber jacket.

[as Linda and the pilot get in the propeller]

Linda Barrelli:
This is exciting.

Pilot:
It is.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Dang it! [kicks and slams the propeller a few times] Fine! I'll be the eyes on the ground! [to Denny] Give me the walkie-talkie. Get this turkey off the ground!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] So, I couldn't go on the plane first 'cause the dang pilot got sweet on Linda. But I got another very important job. It's to stand on the ground and watch the plane.

Dr. Steve Brule:
WATCH, DENNY! WE GOT TO GET DOWN TO THE RUNWAY BEFORE IT TAKES OFF!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] It's a very important job -- Just as important a pilots.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Breaker, breaker. This is Dr. Steve Brule to the pilot and Linda Barrelli. You read me? O-Over and out.

Pilot:
[on walkie-talkie] Dr. Brule, please stop talking. We're communicating with the tower.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Looking good. Blue skies. Linda! Linda, can you see me? I'm waving to you right now!

Pilot:
Clear the channel, please.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's my show. I can talk as much as I want.

Pilot:
Sir, please--

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yes, I can.

Pilot:
Sir, please keep this line clear.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You keep it clear. I'm trying to do a show here, buster. You just fly the plane. I'll do the show.

[as Dr. Brule pulls up binoculars to see how the propeller is doing, he notice some black smoke coming from the back of the plane]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wait, there's smoke coming out of it. Pilot, there's smoke coming out of your tail!

Pilot:
We're moving down. We're going down.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa. ABANDON SHIP! GOING DOWN RIGHT THERE! SHE'S GOING DOWN RIGHT THE-HERE!

[then the plane crashes and explodes causing their deaths]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Dang it.

[as Dr. Brule drives his way to see the plane crash]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Denny] Told them not to take a plane. Here it is.

Dr. Steve Brule:
STUPID PLANE! [sobbing] YOU JUST FELL OUT OF THE SKY LIKE A ROCK! LINDA! SIR! PILOT, SIR!

[Dr. Brule touches the pilot's head]

Dr. Steve Brule:
HE'S DEAD AS A DOORNAIL! THIS TURKEY'S COOKED! WHERE'S MY LITTLE LINDA GIRL?! LINDA!

[Dr. Brule sees the burned up corpse of Linda]

Dr. Steve Brule:
OHH! LINDA! DENNY! DENNY! IT'S LIKE A DANG PIECE OF BURNT TOAST! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE? WE NEED A DOCTOR! CALL 99! OHH! COME ON, LINDA!

[Dr. Brule picks up the corpse of Linda]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hang on, Linda. I got you, girl. Get in there, girl.

[as Dr. Brule opens up the back of the car trunk, he failed to put her back in as it closes]

Scott Clam:
Hi. I'm Scott Clam, and it's now time for today's birdcall challenge. Can you guess the bird? Good luck. Here's a hint. It sounds something like this.

Scott Clam:
[repeats] Weep-weep-weep, weep-weep.

Scott Clam:
If you guess one of my birdcalls right, I'll give you one of my clams.

Scott Clam:
I'm up to my ears in clams. Please guess my birdcalls. Thanks for watching. Go back to your program.

Scott Clam:
[indistinct vocalization]

Dr. Steve Brule:
And we're back.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I-I have very sad news for the whole Channel 5 family. Linda Barungle has passed.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For our next segment, we're gonna go on a different kind of plane, not a small, junky one like this. [shows the plane toy model]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm gonna go on a big plane -- So big they named it after a shrimp -- Jumbo shrimp. Jumbo jet. Let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I ha-- [music cue interrupts]

Airplane Woman:
Welcome aboard.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Welcome 'board. I had a friend named, name of Linda Barrelli. Went in a small plane, got smoke on and it was fell out of the sky.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Then she died in my hatchback.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's my first time on a jumbo jret.

[Dr. Brule tries to get in his seat]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Excuse me. Smells like rotten old gravy. Oh, dang it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to a civilian] Hope we don't go down in a fire like Linda Barrelli.

[as the plane is about to take off]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whooa. Ranger coaster. No. [vomits] Whoa, I feel tickles in my dangus.

Airplane Waitress:
Yes, sir? What can I get ya?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'll have a cheeseburger with extra fries.

Airplane Waitress:
Uh, we're not serving cheeseburgers on this flight.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Check, ple-- [cuts off]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] This place wasn't a restaurant. All they had was dang nuts. I haven't even heard of some of these nuts. Al-monds. [throws up afterwards]

Dr. Steve Brule:
More nuts, please.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] More nuts. More nuts. Just kept packing them in like a squirrel.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I feel like a dang squirrel. [throws up some more] Went in the bag.

[presses the button for the airplane waitress again]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm gonna need another bag, and I got to throw up out of my a**hole.

Airplane Waitress:
Okay.

[after Dr. Brule got finished using the airplane restroom]

Dr. Steve Brule:
More napkins, please. It's coming out of both ends.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I guess my guest didn't like all those al-monds I was eating, so I tried to just get some shut-eye, catch some Z's.

[suddenly, Dr. Brule starts to have a nightmare about the plane crash that Linda was in earlier]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[wakes up as he opens the exit door outside the airplane] MISS BARRELLI!

Doug Prishpreed:
Good new, water fans. It's the 7th Annual Boys' Dip. I'll dip your son into the lake. It'll be a dipper's delight. P.U, those boys are gonna smell like stinky fish.

Doug Prishpreed:
But they got to dip those boys.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Captain Steve Brule, and I'm here to talk about prilots and planes with this -- This big, old jolly fellow. [belches] How do you keep a big old bus with wings in the sky, anyway?

Darcy the Pilot:
The wings are curve, as you probably noticed. And that what that curve does is it provides a low-pressure are above the wings --

Dr. Steve Brule:
[sobs] I know, that's 'cause that's where the smoke can come out. And it broke into pieces, made fire, and I went to go pick her up, and she was burned like a dang piece of toast, and I wrecked my car!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[to Denny] Yes, I did. I got whip-crash from it.

[shows a footage where Dr. Brule managed to pick Linda's corpse in his car]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hang on, Linda!

[then Dr. Brule mistakenly floors the car backwards hitting the trash can]

[Dr. Brule imitates a paper airplane]

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Hey, prilot, I-I'm talking to you". "Shut up, Steven". "Keep the radio clear". OH-WHOOSH! SSHHHH! [cries afterwards]

[after the Planes episode is ending]

Dr. Steve Brule:
We dedicate this episode of "Check it Out" with Dr. Steve Brule to my cro-host, who passed. L-Linda Barengi.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What did we learn? What did we learn?

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Check it Out" should only have one host, name of Dr. Steven Brule.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sometimes, it shouldn't be ladies first. Told you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Some jumbo jrets don't have a restaurant.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Stay off of planes. If you want to get some, get on a bus, you dingus.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'll miss the old girl.

[as Dr. Brule kisses the picture of Linda, the stool falls over]

Dr. Steve Brule:
We'll--

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Please hold me, and keep me. I promise I'll never do bad. I thank you fir all the gifts that I ever had. Please take care of me, and don't leave me in the lurch. If you do, I promise I'll always go to church".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a prayer by Dennis Dooley.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Welcome back to the show. Today, we're gonna talk about something pretty fun. Kind of boring. Church. It's not just a dusty old building. It's a house of gourd.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Is your God a nice God? Is he better than some other guy's God? Jingus? Morhammed?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I go the church of Santa Claus, but who cares? Let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Right now, where gonna go to a place where you can talk to God. Or the devil.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're in the House of God, name of "Church", with a guy who runs the whole show in this business, Dr. Dan Drangle. I was not allowed to go to church by my mother, Dorris Pringle-Brule. She put me in a cage on Sunday and fed me raisins.

Dan Hooper:
Well, the raisins are good for you, but now that you're an adult, you can come.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I can't take my eyes off that dang earring you have on. It looks so cool.

Dan Hooper:
Okay, well...

Dr. Steve Brule:
I didn't know a prust could be so cool.

Dan Hooper:
Well, that's the whole point, isn't it? I mean, I'm just an ordinary person, like you are.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Mobin, my mama's man, said that wearing earrings is for ladies. What do you think of them apples, Charlie?

Dan Hooper:
Well, they are for ladies, and they're for men, too.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sounds good to me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What do you do up here?

Dan Hooper:
What do I do up here? What do I do up here? Well, we have a-a sacred meal every Sunday --

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, you serve mashed potatoes and gravy?

Dan Hooper:
Absolutely not. We serve bread and wine.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What about pork chops. Do you have those?

Dan Hooper:
No. I'm sorry. We just have ordinary, you know, sacramental things.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sounds like a boring supper.

Dan Hooper:
Okay. Well. Okie-dokie.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Can't win them all.

Dan Hooper:
No, I guess you can't.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let me just ask you straight. Can I be a priest, please? Pleeease?

Dan Hooper:
It would be hard if you don't study.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I've never sinned. Can I be a priest?

Dan Hooper:
You never did anything wrong?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Nope.

Dan Hooper:
You never stole anything.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[nods "no"]

Dan Hooper:
Okay. That's good. Have you ever had relationships with ladies that was not your wife, for exmaple.

Dr. Steve Brule:
One time, I tried to give a kiss on Cynthia Drangus. She said "No".

Dan Hooper:
Okay, well, then --

Dr. Steve Brule:
I passed the test here in the House of God. Ha-ha. Didn't make any sense.

Dan Hooper:
Well, then, you're right up there with Jesus, I guess.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's lonely at the top.

Dan Hooper:
It can be. Most of us have done things that we regret later.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm a priest, too. I could be if I say I am. I don't need to be a priest. I'm a doctor. See you at church, suckers.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] At least the priest let me be a church boy. Somebody has to light the dang candles.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Praise be Gourd. Praise be Gourd. Jingus. Help me, Jingus. Holy, holy, holy, holy.

[almost starts to slip on a step]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[quietly] Dang it.

[as Dr. Brule lights the candle, he blows it out, and the sneezed]

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your candle.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. What would church be without music? Really boring. So, luckily, there are people that make music for church, like my next guest, Ron Don Volante. Hi, Ron.

Ron Don Volante:
How you doing, Dr. Brule?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Nice to see you. Tell me a little bit about the church music you make.

Ron Don Volante:
I don't make no church music. I'm straight gangsta rap.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Straight gangster rap?

Ron Don Volante:
Straight gangsta rap.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh. Okay.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, I didn't know that.

Ron Don Volante:
Yeah. I'd like you to come to Ron Don's Playpen so I can show you where we get it done at.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Ron Don Volante:
Right. Let's roll.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Fine. That's it. We're gonna go.

Ron Don Volante:
Alright, then. Roll.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's ro-- [music cue interrupts]

[Dr. Brule heads to Ron Don Volante's Playpen]

Ron Don Volante:
Get you to Ron Don's special spot, baby. Come on in, and check it out. Yeah, the V.I.P. seat, baby. Bam.

[Dr. Brule sees the stripper show]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I can see her vagina. Something is happening to my drangus.

[Dr. Brule smokes]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Toke it up. Toke it up, baby. Good. Man up, baby. Man up.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Damn old mary-jina!

[Dr. Brule eats a pill]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just eat it?

Ron Don Volante:
That's right, baby. Go nuts, Doc. Go nuts.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's a sour candy.

[Dr. Brule sticks cocaine in one of his nostrils]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Put it on. Put it in my nose!

Ron Don Volante:
Yeah, smack that ass. Smack that ass, bro. Do a lien for me, too, player. Do one for me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
SOMEBODY, STICK THEIR FIST UP MY ASS! [laughs]

Dr. Steve Brule:
F***ING SHRIT! I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT! F*** GOURD! F*** JINGUS! F*** FATHER DAN! F*** BRITCH!

Dr. Steve Brule:
CRACK ROCK, BABY! I love you so much, Ron Don!

Ron Don Volante:
Ron Don gonna burn down the playpen for the insurance money tonight.

[cuts to the next scene where Dr. Brule starts to suck he should never suck in Ron Don's body]

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your dingus.

Doug Prishpreed:
ATTENTION! I'm leaving on sabbatical to live on a boys' camp. Gonna be rolling in some mud, making some bacon and eggs, drinking some bug juice. Have a great year, and we'll see you soon. I'm Doug Prishpreed.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What if you were sick of Gourd, and you wanted to really [bleep] some sh*t up? My guest is wizard. Hi.

Wizard:
Hello, doctor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell me about how to cast a spell on somebody.

Wizard:
Well, you don't cast a spell one somebody so much as you --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Do you love Satan?

Wizard:
No.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you don't worship Jingus, you have to worship Satan.

Wizard:
Hmm. Well...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yes, you do.

Wizard:
I don't think so.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yes, you do.

Wizard:
There's so many other Gods and Goddesses --

Dr. Steve Brule:
Yeah, huh.

Wizard:
...in all of the myths of the world.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Please?

Wizard:
Nope. Sorry.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Say you love Satan.

Wizard:
No, I don't love Satan.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sometimes, you're a little devil, aren't you?

Wizard:
Well, I perhaps I might be, but my --

Dr. Steve Brule:
I went to a hip-hop club with Ron Don Volante and all his friends. They made me make sex.

Wizard:
I don't know what to say.

Dr. Steve Brule:
They gave me a lot of pills and things to smoke and drink. I put my mouth on a black dingus. Want to smell my finger?

Wizard:
I think I'll pass.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[sniffs his finger] Smells like my rear.

Wizard:
Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I wouldn't mind smelling your finger.

Wizard:
[laughs] Right.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Give me a sniff.

Wizard:
Oh, sure. There you go.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[laughs]

Wizard:
It probably smells like fried chicken.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hey, old wizard, let's do a spell. Let's check it out.

[Wizard does a spell on Dr. Brule]

Wizard:
Hocus-pocus dominocus. Pt-choo!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wizard got in my brain.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] So, wizard put a spell on me, and I started to feel really bad about all the things I did at Ron Don's Playpen. Better go see the big man upstairs and have a little talk.

[transitions to the next scene where Dr. Brule meets God]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Thanks for taking the time to see me, old timer. Pretty neat, being up by these pearly gates.

God:
Muh.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I told Gourd all the bad things that I did in Ron Don's Playpen. I chewed on prills, put powder in my nose, sucked on a black dingus till milk came out.

God:
Muh, muh, muh.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] He said, "Don't worry about it, Steven. Just take it easy, cheesy. You're just a perfect little flower". [smooches]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Great news. [smooches God]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then Gourd gave me a massage with his big hands.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Thanks, Gourd. You're a good old man.

God:
Huh, yah, yah, yah. Huh, muh, muh, muh.

[Dr. Brule comes back to the real world]

Wizard:
And there you are. Pretty good trick, eh?

Dr. Steve Brule:
I went to hell.

Wizard:
You know, Winston Churchill said about that. "If you're going through hell, keep going".

Dr. Steve Brule:
You know what the devil said about hell?

Wizard:
Welcome to hell. Who gives a sh*t? For you hell. [pulls up a middle finger to the viewers]

Scott Clam:
Scott's coming through. I'm the clam man.

Scott Clam:
Hey, uh, market's up. [chuckles] Peppers is at $1.12. Now I'm rich, ha ha ha. I recommend investing in Sam & Dan's Clam & Ham Company. [chuckles] One clam per ham. Don't you dare think about getting one more clam per ham.

Scott Clam:
I'm glad I got my dollars in clam man. [chuckles] My last name is Clam, and I also invest in clam man. [chuckles]

Scott Clam:
I'm Scott the Clam Man, and I love birds.

[after the Church episode is ending]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Guess I'm not so bad after all. [gives himself a pat on the shoulder] Good boy, Steven. What did you learn?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Man could wear a earring. Sorry, Mobin, you're wrong. Ha ha. Hope you're watching.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wizard finger smells like fried chicken.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Little Stevie's still never made a sin. No, I didn't.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's that scratching noise? There's something crawling around in there.

[as Dr. Brule puts his finger in the hole of the church model, he got bitten]

Dr. Steve Brule:
DANG IT! DANG CHURCH RAT BIT ME!

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's it. Burn this dang church down. There's a rat in it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Check it Out" is brought to you by Ron Don's Volante's Playpen.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Lights now. Now, Denny.

Dr. Steve Brule:
"A picket fence, a smiling face. Supper's on the pit. If your daddy paid the bill, the radiator is hot. It's a place you always know, wherever you may roam --

Dr. Steve Brule:
-- Even if it was a nightmare, it's still your very home".

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a cowboy proem by Joe Banger.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today, we're gonna talk about home. What happens if you wet your pants at school? Where do you go? Home. Where do you send Grandpa when he gets lost again? A home. What happens when you get a touchdown? Go home. H-O-E-M -- Home. Let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[touches the gingerbread house] That's frosting.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, hi. Guess what I've just found out? Jan and Wayne Skylar, the Married News Team's new address.

[the address on the screen shows Jan & Wayne Skylar 1648 Pisster Ln.]

[as Dr. Brule presses the buzzer to meet Jan and Wayne Skylar]

Jan Skylar:
[on voicebox] HOLD ON A MINUTE! No, Wayne, you'll have to wipe yourself.

[Dr. Brule sees Jan Skylar and their new mansion]

Jan Skylar:
Hello. Come in. [quietly] Do we have to do this now?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa! How long you been in this big old barn?

Jan Skylar:
Well, we've been here 12 weeks now, and it's sort of our dream house. It's so sort of touching and ironic that this is Wayne's final resting place.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What do you mean, uh, his final resting place.

Jan Skylar:
Wayne Skylar is suffering from bone cancer and lung cancer and testicular caner and...well, he's just riddled with it -- Tumorous cancers going through his liver and his intestines.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wow, that's a lot of cancers.

Jan Skylar:
His, um, bones are disintegrating inside of his body. He is days away from saying goodbye -- Um, passing on.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, if you need any help -- Someone to take care of you -- 'Cause you'll be a single gal then.

Jan Skylar:
I suppose I will. [chuckles]

[Dr. Brule smooches Jan Skylar]

Jan Skylar:
[chuckling] Don't do that, Steve.

[Jan Skylar shows Dr. Brule the living room to their mansion]

Jan Skylar:
It's sort of a memorial to Wayne. This is all custom-designer. This is a Jeffrey Brown coffee table.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Those are some nice pillows.

Jan Skylar:
Well, those pillows are Jeffrey Brown's, and he designed them.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sounds expensive.

Jan Skylar:
And thank you to Jeffrey Brown for designing the whole room -- Really put the whole thing together.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What if I gave you a little tickle?

Jan Skylar:
[giggling]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tickle you a little bit, Janny. I can tickle you from behind, reach underneath there.

Jan Skylar:
You can tickle me, but get your fingers out of my tuna can. Just be quiet 'cause he's right above there.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who cares?

Jan Skylar:
He's got camera all over the place. He's probably watching us right now.

Dr. Steve Brule:
He's too sick to get up -- Who cares?

Jan Skylar:
His finger went right up in my vagina.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Can we go to the kitchen, and I can see what you're cookin'?

Jan Skylar:
Why don't I take up to see the master bedroom? Wayne's in there, but if we're very quiet, we won't disturb him, huh?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Jan Skylar:
WAYNE! WE'RE COMIN' UP!

[Dr. Brule sees Wayne Skylar dying of cancer]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Holy cow, he looks really bad.

Jan Skylar:
Wayne, say hello to Dr. Steve Brule.

Wayne Skylar:
[gasping, moaning]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You want to say hi to the viewers, Wayne?

Jan Skylar:
Oh, lord. Say hi to the Channel 5 friends! Say hi!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Everybody, look, it's the Married News Team.

Jan Skylar:
Say goodbye, Wayne!

Wayne Skylar:
I love you, Jan.

Jan Skylar:
It's a signature bed -- Jeffrey Brown model, queen bed. Almost feels like an antique, but yet it's new.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Smells like garbage in here.

Jan Skylar:
Let me take a whiff.

[Jan sniffs Wayne]

Jan Skylar:
Yep. He's starting to decay. Any final words, Wayne?

Wayne Skylar:
[begging] Respect my wife.

Dr. Steve Brule:
All the best. [smooches]

Jan Skylar:
Well, should we move on along the tour?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Jan Skylar:
I want to show you the master bathroom. I think you're gonna get a kick out of that.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay. You stay there, Wayne.

Wayne Skylar:
[begging] Please respect our marriage.

[Jan Skylar shows Dr. Brule the master bathroom]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, if you have to take a bath, you have to take a bath. Don't let me get in your way.

Jan Skylar:
This will be something different, huh?

[Dr. Brule sees Jan taking off his robe]

Jan Skylar:
Do you mind, actually? There's this little...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sure.

Jan Skylar:
Okay, don't look!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[covers his right eye] I'm not looking.

Jan Skylar:
[sighs] Oh, it's heaven! Hey, will you come in and have a bath with me?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay. I thought you'd never ask. Here I come, Janny!

[as Dr. Brule and Jan were having the best time of their lives in the bathtub, Wayne saw them through the security camera on monitor and was devastated how it turned out]

Wayne Skylar:
Jan, no...

Dr. Steve Brule:
A lot of crumbs in there.

Wayne Skylar:
[sobs]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wet as a whistle!

Wayne Skylar:
JANNY!

[then Dr. Brule slaps Jan's skin for fun]

Jan Skylar:
YOU'RE MY NEW WAYNE!

Wayne Skylar:
Stay out of the tuna can!

[as Wayne's monitor started to beep rapidly, Wayne's body starts to have a seizure and sputtering violently]

Doug Prishpreed:
Hey, sports fans. I'm Doug Prishpreed with you sports for tonight. Butter Boy is coming to town! Get -- All-star big boy with the butter will be handing out free dabs of his own homemade butter as part of Slop's Annual Butter-Me-Up-Day. Free membership if you bring in your free Butter-Boy pass. Grab some wet towels, and see me prance around like a fancy puppet.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What if your home is at a baseball field? My next guest is Dango Rangus (Darin Rossi). he is a baseball umpire. Very nice to meet you [kisses Darin's hand] I'm Dr. Steve Brule.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Why is it called home base?

Darin Rossi:
The whole object of the game is to get home.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Right. I knew a boy, before I had to stop going to high school, and he used to talk about baseball all the time. "Hey Steve, I got to first base -- Touchin' titties". "Hey Steven, I got to third base -- Fish finger".

Darin Rossi:
...

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Hey Steven, I got to home base. Home run -- Milk out of my dingus".

Darin Rossi:
...

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hey Django, let's play a little game. I'll pretend like I'm a croach, and I'm gonna give you a hard time. You be the ump. Ready?

Darin Rossi:
Okay.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hey, what the hell was that?

Darin Rossi:
Don't be arguing balls and strikes!

Dr. Steve Brule:
My guy was SAFE!

Darin Rossi:
Don't even go there.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I KNOW HE WAS SAFE. HE'S AT BASE TWO!

Darin Rossi:
He's not at base two.

Dr. Steve Brule:
YES, HE IS AT BASE TWO!

Darin Rossi:
Don't scream at me. Give me space.

Dr. Steve Brule:
YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

Darin Rossi:
Stop spitting on me!

Dr. Steve Brule:
YOU GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU -- YOU DUMMY!

Darin Rossi:
I was there. I did my best.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, I did my best, too! I tried my very best, and you're a hunk!

Darin Rossi:
Alright. Thank you very much.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That was my guest. He was a ump! GOODBY-- [music cue interrupts]

[Dr. Brule licks the gingerbread house]

Dr. Steve Brule:
That tastes good. Tastes like sugar.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Did you know if you didn't have a home or a house? You can go in the forest and that would be your house? I know somebody just like that. His name is Hippy Joel, and he invited us to share his house -- Name of forest.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi, Hippy Joel.

Hippy Joel:
Doctor, welcome to my home.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell me, what about this place? How did you end up being out here in the sticks?

Hippy Joel:
Isn't it beautiful? There's no roof, no ceilings -- Nothing. It's just open.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Where do you make bathroom?

Hippy Joel:
Well, you dig a hole, and then you take a crap in the hole.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh!

Hippy Joel:
Burn your sh*t tickets, though.

Hippy Joel:
Doctor, I want to welcome you into my home, and I offer you this pipe.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh! Smoke a peace pipe.

[Hippy Joel smokes his peace pipe]

Hippy Joel:
[wheezes, laughs] Now it's your turn doctor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Never smoked a dang peace pipe before.

Hippy Joel:
Open up those lips and shove that shaft in there and suck.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[puffing]

Hippy Joel:
Suck it in. [inhales loudly] Keep suckin' [distorted] Keep suckin'.

[as Dr. Brule smokes the peace pipe, Dr. Brule and Hippy Joel starts to get high]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Now you're chasing me. Hippy Joel,I love your hooouse!

Hippy Joel:
Ah, it's my home!

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm a bear! [vomits]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You can't catch me, Joel!

[while Dr. Brule was having the most fun time of his life, Hippy Joel then starts to pull out a crossbow at Dr. Brule]

Hippy Joel:
[evil voice] Now get runnin', boy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
WHAT?!

Hippy Joel:
RUN, BOY, RUN!

Dr. Steve Brule:
BACK OFF, HIPPY JOEL! YOU'RE SCARY!

Hippy Joel:
Run, RUN! [laughs] I'M COMING TO GETCHA!

[Dr. Brule runs away while sobbing]

Hippy Joel:
I'll getcha! [chuckles and howls]

[Dr. Brule is still running away sobbing]

Hippy Joel:
YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME!

Dr. Steve Brule:
PLEASE NO, HIPPY JOEL!

[Dr. Brule's then got shot in the leg]

Hippy Joel:
Gotcha!

Dr. Brule:
I GOT SHOT WITH A DANG ARROW!

[after the Home episode is ending]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What did we learn?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Great news -- Jan Skylar is single and ready to mingle.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you want to make your house look nice, you better call Jeffrey Brown.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Most umps are hunks. One, two, three strikes, you're out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I thought Hippy Joel was my friend, but then he hunted me like dang deer.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, I guess it really is true -- Home is where the heart is. Now I'm gonna eat this little bird. [smashes the gingerbread house and eats it]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I've been waiting the whole dang show to eat this. Cut the cameras, let me eat this dang house!

Dr. Steve Brule:
This episode of "Chunk it Out"! is brought to you by Jeffrey Brown, Designer. Thank you very much for all of your money, Jeffrey.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[clicks tongue and then imitates a horse snorting and neighing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's the sound of horse.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today we talk about...can you guess? Horse!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, if you don't have a car or a skateboard, what are you gonna do? You're sh*t out of luck, Charlie. Get a horse -- Not a charley horse, name a horse. Horse to eat, horse to ride -- Let's stop horsin' around and check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa, girl. Shhh. What a good girl. Ha ha. It's a toy horse.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Did you ever wonder where horse lived? I did, so I found out -- Horse farm. I went there and met an old cowpoke. Talked about eating beans on the range. Got to eat some other things, too. Can you guess what they were? Too late. Go to horse far-- [music cue interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I went to a horse farm. There were stallions and nags all over the dang place. I got to talking to this dusty old crowboy. He told me he runs the whole place. He's probably a hunk.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm here with my new partner, Rango. Hey, Rango.

Rolando Wolovich:
How you doing?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pretty good. How much does a horse eat in a day?

Rolando Wolovich:
He eat like two flakes alfalfa -- One in the morning, one in the night.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Making me hungry as a horse.

Rolando Wolovich:
Oh, really?

Dr. Steve Brule:
You got a skillet around these parts? We gonna fry up some eggs?

Rolando Wolovich:
Sure. We got a kitchen here. We can do anything we want.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Probably gonna eat some farm-fresh eggs and sausage. Let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
From a skill-- [cuts to the next scene]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You got a pretty hairy chest there, cowboy.

Rolando Wolovich:
Really? Good. Yeah. It's warm in the winter.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wish I could wear my shirt open like that, but I'm bald as a baby's bottom.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You got pretty dry skin from working on all them ropes, huh?

Rolando Wolovich:
Yeah.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Look at that. That's a real rancher's hand. [smooches] Just get a little cowboy's kiss. Cowboys have to kiss out there on the range. There's no girls.

Rolando Wolovich:
I'm not that kind of cowboy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I know.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Then Rango took me to ride the wildest big Australian in the whole ranch. Only real crowboys get to mount this old bunking broncos.

[Dr. Brule rides on a horse]

Dr. Steve Brule:
My ballsack hurts.

Cheryl Smith:
Okay. Here we go.

[Cheryl Smith helps balanced the horse while Dr. Brule is riding it]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa! I'm riding a horse! I'm doing it!

Cheryl Smith:
You're like a cowboy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm like a cowboy! Ride 'em up, cowboy! This is making my DINGUS hard!

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm getting hungry from all this riding! Can you finally get me some stinking eggs in this dang place? I'm so hungry, I could eat a dang horse.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Nothing better than farm-fresh eggs right out of a chicken's bottom.

Dr. Steve Brule:
All those eggs and horsin' around made me really sleepy. I really needed to find somewhere to take a nap and catch my 40 winks.

[Dr. Brule dreams about the horse farm]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ha ha. Hi, baby horse. Grobble, grobble, and a fine day to you, Mr. Turkey.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's Cheryl. She's just a horse maid.

[as Dr. Brule wakes up from a bad dream, he starts to feel horse poop on his body]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What are you doing, dropping your horse eggs on me? [eats it afterwards]

Scott Clam:
Ho. I'm Scott Clam, and it's now time for today's "Bird Call Challenge". Can you guess the bird? Good luck. Today's featured call is... [repeats] Grack! Hraw!

Scott Clam:
If you guess one of my bird calls right, you'll get one of my clams. I got tones of clams at my clam house. I wish my last name was "Birdie Boy" instead of "Clam".

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ever want to have a race with a horse? I met a little boy. He likes to ride on a horse and make 'em go real fast. Showed me how to do it. Yes, he did. Come on, girl. [smooches the toy horse model]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Did you ever wonder wh-- If you were watching horseys run, who are the little clowns that ride on them, make 'em go fast? My next guest is one of them. He's a little boy named "Jockey". Hi, Jockey.

Jockey:
Hello.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Tell us about this horse that you rode for the race. Is she a real winner?

Jockey:
Yes. He has a big heart. He runs.

Dr. Steve Brule:
How do you stay on that dang thing? It's running 'round like lightning.

Jockey:
Well, we squat like this, and you just go along with it in the rhythm, and as you come into the finish, it's like you and the horse become one.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What if they're just a real bum horse and they can't even win one race? Then you just cut 'em up and eat 'em, right?

Jockey:
No.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You could have a big horse feast with a whole horse like that. That's probably 400 cans.

Jockey:
I don't eat horse.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Don't knock it till you try it, Jockey. I wish I could ride the horse, be Jockey, and ride around in a circle and win the big race. All the girls would give me a kiss, and then I'd chuck that horse into the stew pot.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Come on, boy. Just hop on, and I'll show you how I ride like a horse -- Like a buckin' bronco.

[Dr. Brule imitates horse noises again while squatting]

Jockey:
I don't want to talk to you no more.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Welcome to a part of the show we call "Sponsor's Corner". [to the crew] Put -- Put the "Sponsor's Corner".

[Sponsor's Corner title intensifies]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Today's sponsor is, um, my favorite store -- Myer's Super Foods. My guest is Mr. Myers himself, Prablo Myers. Nice doing business with you. You got a head like a light bulb.

Pablo Myers:
Thank you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's going on in the store this week? Any specials?

Pablo Myers; Well, we have broccoli. It's 2 for a bunch. One can of smelly beans -- 4 bucks.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[smacks lips]

Pablo Myers:
And we have Yesterday's Ham.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh, ham!

Pablo Myers:
$10. You like the smell of trash? Don't forget about our used fish -- 2 bucks.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Horses are for riding and for petting, but they're also for eating, aren't they?

Pablo Myers:
Yeah, they sure are. Horse meat is nutritious and affordable. It's a fine meat to can. Would you like to try a can?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh, yes! Want to get my lips around some horse.

[Dr. Brule opens the can of horse meat]

Pablo Myers:
I hope you enjoy it.

[Dr. Brule eats the horse meat]

Dr. Steve Brule:
A little bit tough.

Pablo Myers:
Here's my problem -- I have 3 tons of horse meat in the backyard, so I have to can it and make a horse-meat sale for you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Cubed horse beef. Yep. That's the good stuff. I just might eat this whole can. I don't want to hog the horse, Pablo. Want some?

Pablo Myers:
Don't mind if I do.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Cheers.

[Dr. Brule and Pablo Myers both eat horse meat together]

Pablo Myers:
When you're sick of that dry horse, try the creamed horse.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's get into the cream.

Pablo Myers:
Creamed horse meat -- It's horse meat in horse yogurt.

[Dr. Brule sniffs the creamed horse meat]

Dr. Steve Brule:
I think we got a bad can.

Pablo Myers:
Dive into my creamed horse.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Will do.

[Dr. Brule eats the creamed horse meat]

Pablo Myers:
Oh. I have a special for you -- Our horse milk.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Down the hatch.

[Dr. Brule drinks the horse milk]

Pablo Myers:
I rode that horse the other day before I milked her.

Dr. Steve Brule:
See you at Myer's. I'll be in the horse aisle. For your horse.

Pablo Myers:
I am proud of my cans of horse meat. [kisses his can]

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
The following is a Terry Bruge-Hiplo editorial.

Terry Bruge-Hiplo:
My wife, Vicky, has no business touching or using my things. She should tend to her own matters and steer clear of me and my affairs. This is the last I will say of this. Looks like you'll be sleeping in the snow again tonight, Vick. End of transmission.

[after the Horse episode is ending, Dr. Brule ate a bunch o horse meat cans]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoo! I think I ate too much horse. I think -- What did we learn?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Only real crowboys get to eat farm-fresh eggs.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's easy to sound like a horse if you try. [weakly imitates horse whinnying]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Horse eggs taste like my hands when it goes through the paper when I'm wiping.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I got to meet Prablo Myers. Ha ha!

Dr. Steve Brule:
See you next time on "Chunk it out", partner. Time for me to ride off into the sunset. Giddyup. [imitates riding a horse]

Pablo Myers:
[sings] Myer's Super Foods, quality canned horse-meat foods.

Pablo Myers:
Absolutely.

Dr. Steve Brule:
"Mama's little piglet, Daddy's little cub, furry little baby seal before she gets the club. Hiding in a basement of abandoned buildings, everyone has to try and SHUSH UP the bratty little childrens.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's a poem by Dorothy Drangus, name of "The Children's Fun Time".

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. Hi! I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Guess what we're gonna talk about today -- Kids' stuff, playing around, monkeying 'round, monkey business. We're gonna have a lot of fun talking about children.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Even hunks were children once -- Little pretty-boy hunks. They're our future.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, well. That's what we decided we were gonna do the segment about, so...let's check it out.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, hi Daisy! Hi, Chip. What are you drinking there? Shake? Can I have some? I'm gonna take you to a special place. It's where mommies and daddies take you if they can't stick around or if you're being too much to handle.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Name of Brown's Day Care. Let's check it ou-- [music interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I went to go visit Brown's Day Care, and I met the boss who runs the whole show -- Name of Brown.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, what time of day is this for the boys?

Brown:
This is snacktime.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then Brown took me upstairs to the very top of the house, where they actually keep these lucky kids.

[as Dr. Brule comes to the top of the room to meet the kids, some of the kids were grown midget men]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, here they come. Can I feed the boys?

Brown:
Sure.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Can I give them a snack? Here, boys. Here, boys. Go get it.

Brown:
Enough candy. Come on. Go away. Go. Shh, shh, shh, shhh. Shush, shush, shush.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Why do all the boys have cotton in their ears?

Brown:
I do a lot of screaming. It dulls down my voice and the screaming.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Why do you scream so much, Brown?

Brown:
I do a lot with my brain. I just explode with -- And I'm sorry about that.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Well, we got candy. We got clowns.

Brown:
And kids.

Dr. Steve Brule:
And kids. What more could you want? I like this place.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then Brown said it was time to change the dirty cotton with good, clean cotton. Nothing's too good for these boys at Brown's Day Care.

Brown:
Just replace the cotton. They're having their time of they're life. [to the kids] Give 'em some candy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Can I have a piece of candy? I like brutterscotch.

[Dr. Brule gets a candy out of Brown's bag]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ha ha, Denny. I got a piece of candy.

[then a kids took Dr. Brule's candy away from him]

Dr. Steve Brule:
HEY, BOY! THAT DANG BOY STOLE THE CANDY RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND! Give him the poison spray, Brown! That poison smells bad. That one -- That boy stole my candy, Brown!

Brown:
Take that poison, boy! Sheesh! Sheesh!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Brown runs a tight ship.

Dr. Steve Brule:
We'll be right back with more Brown's Day Care after this next segment. Watch it.

Carol Krabit:
I'm Carol Kr-- [Crabbin' with Carol theme plays]

Carol Krabit:
Hey, looky here. The clam count is climbing again. So, use those spunk flies, boys. It won't be long before a Krabit is back in clam heaven.

Carol Krabit:
[distorted voice] Who am I?

Dr. Steve Brule:
This doctor is the one who takes a look at kids' brains. Her names Lange Lasagna. Hi, Lange.

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
Hello. How are you?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Very good. How are you?

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
I'm excellent. Thank you.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Good.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You have long legs.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So what about kids? What're gonna do with kids?

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
[sighs heavily] That's a -- That's a big question.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Do you have a test that you can give to tell if you're a bad child?

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
Sure.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Why don't you give the test to me?

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
I didn't bring them with me.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ready? Go.

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
What is your first memory?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Mama.

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
Mama?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ha ha. Told you I knew it.

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
That's good. What was Mama doing?

Dr. Steve Brule:
If I talked with a sass mouth, my Mom would put me in a cage in the basement with all Mama's cats.

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
How old were you?

Dr. Steve Brule:
15.

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
That's your first memory?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whose show is this?

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
[laughs] It's yours.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Uh-huh. I know. It's just "Doctor to Doctor".

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
Doctors -- Yes.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sometimes doctors hold hands...and kiss.

Dr. Laine Lasanta:
I suppose, yeah, that...periodically probably happens.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh. [to the viewers] We'll be right back.

[transitions to the next scene at Brown's Day Care]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Told you we'd be back with more Brown's Day Care. Here it is.

Dr. Steve Brule:
So, how many boys do you have in this day care?

Brown:
A few.

[then Dr. Brule sees another version of Brown coming out of a different door]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What the heck? Denny, I'm seeing double. Is that -- Is that you in there, Brown?

Brown:
That's Brown 2.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ooh!

Brown:
When the poison isn't enough, I put them in a room with Brown 2.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm glad to be stuck here with you, Brown 1. I'll never be a bad boy that has to go see Brown 2 in the private room.

[Brown 2 waves at Dr. Brule afterwards]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Brown, tell me this -- Who changes these boys' diapers if their Mommy's not around.

Brown:
We change each other's diapers.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ohh!

Brown:
I could teach ya how to do it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay, Dr. Brown. What's the first thing you have to do?

Brown:
Take off the side straps first.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I never thought I'd be so lucky enough to change a grown man's diaper. Well, here we go. Here's mud in your eye.

[Dr. Brule takes off Brown One's diaper]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa! I can smell something cooking in this kitchen. Whoa! [coughs]

Brown:
That's right. Inspect the mess.

Dr. Steve Brule:
It's a big, brown, wet soup in there.

Brown:
So, lift my legs and remove the diaper.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay.

Brown:
Just throw it on the floor there.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa! It's a real dirty one.

Brown:
Toss it on the floor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Just -- Just on the floor? Okay.

Brown:
Now get some wipes and wipe your bottom.

[Dr. Brule wipes Brown's bottom while coughing]

Brown:
Now I'm clean when that wipe has no more brown.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay. Not yet. You got a nice, clean on here with no brown.

Brown:
I'll lift my bottoms up for you to put on the diaper.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Slide up your butt.

[then Brown One's butt suddenly squirted pee all over on Dr. Brule's face]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Brown!

Brown:
I had you right in my cross hairs.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Guess there's nothing else I can say except, "You got me". Oldest trick in the diaper book. Who's shootin'?

Dr. Steve Brule:
My Mama, Dorris Pringle-Brule-Salahari, had a boy long after she had me. He's Mobin's boy. I never did meet him.

Dr. Steve Brule:
For the next segment, we're gonna do something very special. Special treat for you. I got it for you. Mommy, if you're watching, I'm coming. Ha ha! Yes, I am. I found out your address.

Dr. Steve Brule:
My Mama and Mobin Salahari moved to this new apartment building. Can't wait to see the smile on her face.

[knocks on his Ma's door]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Mommy?

[Dr. Brule's Ma opens the door]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Oh, hi, Mommy!

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Get out of here, dummy.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's wrong, Mommy?

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
I'm with child again. Don't you get it?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Please I just want to meet my baby brother.

[Dr. Brule's Ma closes the door on him]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[knocks on his Ma's door a few times] MOMMY! Dang it.

[as the door opens, Sunshine Brule appears]

Sunshine Brule:
Hi, Steven.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sunshine Brule, what the heck are you doing in there?

Sunshine Brule:
Steven, you can't come in right now.

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're just Gary's girl. Open the door. I want to talk with my Mom.

[Sunshine lets Dr. Brule into Ma's new apartment]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who's the boy?

[sees the kid banging pots like a crazed maniac]

Dr. Steve Brule:
You're my brother.

Sunshine Brule:
Syran, behave!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Stop!

Syran:
[snarling cointunes]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Here, boy! Down. Where's your Daddy?

[Syran points to his daddy, Mobin by the door who already hanged himself to death]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoa. Oh, boy.

Sunshine Brule:
Mobin couldn't hack it.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Mobin's dead, but his baby's still coming.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's that, mama?

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
The pains are getting really sharp. The baby's gonna be coming out of my vagina. Will you take that baby out of me, Steven?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Right now?

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Right now.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sunshine, get a tarp!

Sunshine Brule:
BABY'S COMIIIIING!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Come on, Mama. Get that tarp down so she don't mess all over the couch. Denny, here's what we do. I need two eggs, a piece of cheese, a spatula, and some pincher tongs. Go!

Sunshine Brule:
Done

Dr. Steve Brule:
She's gonna have a baby on my show.

Sunshine Brule:
Here you go, doctor.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Okay. We're gonna make a trail of cheese and lure that baby out of that vagina cave. Spread 'em wide, Mama. Doctor's coming in.

Sunshine Brule:
[chanting]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Whoo-ee! That's the rat's nest I came out of.

Sunshine Brule:
[chanting continues]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Pipe down, Sunshine! [to his Ma] Push! Push, Push.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
I'm in a lot of pain.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hang on, girl. It's coming.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Here it comes.

Dr. Steve Brule:
COME ON, GIRL! PUSH!

[as Dr. Brule's Ma managed to push the baby, Dr. Brule notices something strange with the way it looks]

Sunshine Brule:
Oh, my god.

Sunshine Brule:
That's just a bunch of hair. [leaves]

Dr. Steve Brule:
For your hair.

[as the Your Fortune intro plays]

Carol Krabit:
Can't read it. Ohh!

Carol Krabit:
This is Carol Krabit with Your Fortune. Your skin will be very briefly separated from your body, but you will not notice. You will notice a small sink where your sofa once was. Don't use the sink.

[after the Children episode is ending]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hope my Mama's oaky. She was breathing when I left.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What did we learn?

Dr. Steve Brule:
If a boy is a candy hog, just spray him with poison.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Some doctors promise holding hands and kissing, and then they leave the studio.

Dr. Steve Brule:
There is Brown One, and there is Brown Two.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Mobin couldn't hack it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
...Kids.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What? Hangin' out around the town with the bad-boy crow, goin' by the mall staircase, where we're not allowed. Kickin' flips, poppin' wheelies when we're feelin' bored. Only tough guys know how to ride the hot-rod skrateboard.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Today we're gonna do something that is my favorite show yet -- Skrateboards.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you don't know about it, too bad. Get the hell off the show now. Only cool guys.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If you don't know about skrateboards, please stay, also. It'll be fun, 'cause they're fun.

[as the intro of Skateboards started, Dr. Brule hits the chain fence when the sign falls off]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who cares?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Guess what you just got into? Cool guy zone. Today's show is gonna be all about skateboards. Denny thinks he has to listen to your Mommy and wear a helmet, wear knee pads. No, you don't.

Dr. Steve Brule:
But enough dilly-dallying. We got to take you greenhorns through the lesson of how to ride a skateboard. I'm gonna teach all the tricks that I know, and I know all of them.

Dr. Steve Brule:
First thing you do when you go on a skateboard -- You put it on the ground. Then you s-- [slips on the skateboard and fails instantly]

[after Dr. Brule tripped on a skateboard, he then gets taken to a hospital]

ER Doctor:
Oh, code brown. He's defecated all over himself. His left pupil is fixed and dilated. Can you hear me, Steve? We're gonna take care of you.

Doctor:
Hold on, Steve!

ER Doctor:
He's going into cardiac arrest. Get a lidocaine drip started.

Doctor:
Steve!

Doctor #2:
Clear!

[Doctor #2 uses the defribrillator to shock Dr. Brule alive]

Doctor:
I want you to live, Steve!

[Doctor #2 is still shocking Dr. Brule]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Can't be losing another friend, Steve.

ER Doctor:
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Doctor #2:
He's seizing.

ER Doctor:
Yeah, he is.

Dr. Steve Brule:
DENNY!

ER Doctor:
Hang in there, Steve!

Doctor:
Don't die on me!

Dr. Steve Brule:
DENNY!

ER Doctor:
Major seizures right now. I'm gonna medically induce a coma on him to help get the swelling down.

Dr. Steve Brule:
DANG MARBLES GETTING SCRAMBLED!

[ER Doctor injects the syringe on Dr. Brule leaving him into a coma]

ER Doctor:
Alright.

Doctor:
Okay. He's calming down. He's stabilized.

ER Doctor:
Can we have someone in here to clean his ass?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Being in a rom was cool. Didn't even have to go pee-pee. They just put a tube in my dingus. Everyone should be in a croma. It's like being on vacation. Some of the old gang from the Dicksboro Apartments came down and paid their respects.

[the minor characters share their moments with Dr. Brule]

Hippy Joel:
Sheesh Yeah. Went down Vermont. Angled over to Elgin.

David Liebe Hart:
You will get healthy, Dr. Steve Brule. Name it and claim it. Don't shame it. [sings] Now Brule sounds like "stool", now Brule sounds like new, let the perfect healing move in through your soul.

Hippy Joel:
And I've got a little surprise. You're gonna feel real good. [while injecting some kind of drug syringe inside of Dr. Brule's blood bag]

David Liebe Hart:
[beatbox] Get perfect health. Get perfect wealth.

Dr. Alexander:
Steve? Mr. Brule? How are you feeling here? Mr. Brule, do you know where you are?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who the heck are you?

Dr. Alexander:
I'm Dr. Alexander. I'm the chief of neurosurgery here.

[Doctor to Doctor title intensifies]

Dr. Alexander:
You're in a hospital. You've had an accident. You've been in a coma, Mr. Brule.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who the heck am I?

Dr. Alexander:
It's not uncommon after you've hit your head that hard to be a little confused.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Am I a new baby boy?

Dr. Alexander:
No, you're an adult man.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Please?

Dr. Alexander:
No, Steve.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Please let me be a little baby boy. I always wanted to be one. Please?

Dr. Alexander:
What's the last thing you remember before coming in here?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Filling up my pants with brown. I've had diarringus for two days. I've been dreaming about diarringus.

Dr. Alexander:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Then the doctor showed me a picture of the brain. He said I had something called "Amnesia".

Dr. Steve Brule:
Looks like a dang skeleton. What is this -- A haunted hospital?

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I had to get out of that dang hospital to figure out who the heck I was. Who am I, anyway? Better go talk to some people who say they know me.

Carol Krabit:
Quick announcement to the folks down at Flinn's Rum Shack -- Whoever's stealing my cigarettes needs to stop. Just because I go to the ladies' room to take a piss doesn't mean it's open season on my cigarettes. Got to hell, Noon. Those are my smokes. [smiles] Bye-bye.

Dr. Steve Brule:
We've got the people together who say that they know me. Maybe I'll remember who I am if they tell me who they are. That's a segment called "Get to Know" -- [music cue plays]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Let's see who we got. How 'bout you, old-timer? How do I know you?

Gary Brule:
I'm your Uncle Jerry. I do magic.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
[pronounce] Gary.

Gary Brule:
Gary, Gary. Like, Gary, Indiana. Jerry?

Sunshine Brule:
A, B, C, D, G. "Guh".

Gary Brule:
Gary. Gary, Indiana. You're -- You're my Uncle Jerry.

Sunshine Brule:
Gary.

Gary Brule:
J-- "Gee".

Sunshine Brule:
"Guh". Like God.

Gary Brule:
God? Okay.

Sunshine Brule:
Gary.

Gary Brule:
Jerry.

Sunshine Brule:
God, Gary.

Gary Brule:
God, Jer-- Gary.

Sunshine Brule:
There. God, Gary.

Gary Brule:
Got it. Gary. Got it.

Sunshine Brule:
"I'm your Uncle Gary".

Gary Brule:
Okay. You are my Uncle Gary.

Sunshine Brule:
That's him. [referring to Dr. Brule] You say it to Steve. "I'm your Uncle Gary".

Gary Brule:
[to Dr. Brule] I am your Uncle Gary. I do magic!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Ohh.

Gary Brule:
I can take a coin. Watch it as carefully as you can.

[Gary tries to make the coin disappear, but just toss it up in the air making it look like it was gone]

Dr. Steve Brule:
What about this little sweetheart? We're we high school sweethearts.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
Get your hands off of me, you [bleep]. I'm your mother. You came out of my damn vagine.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I don't remember that.

Dorris Pringle-Brule:
I wish you never came out of that coma, you dum-dum.

Dr. Steve Brule:
That's Sunshine Brule, my cousin.

Sunshine Brule:
Yay! That's me!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Who cares?

Dr. Steve Brule:
What about this brown fella? Who are you?

David Liebe Hart:
I'm the chocolate chip of your cookie. Maybe you remember me from this. [sings] Drink milk, think milk, eat milk, taste milk.

Dr. Steve Brule:
What's milk?

David Liebe Hart:
Milk comes from a cow -- A moooo! -- Or a horse. [imitates horse neighing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[pauses as he tries to comprehend on what David just said]

David Liebe Hart:
[sings] Drink milk, think milk, eat milk, do milk.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sh-shut up.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Denny, this -- This was no help. I jogged this light bulb as much as I could, but it's burned out.

David Liebe Hart:
[imitates train whistle blowing]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Thanks for nothing, Sunshi-- [music cue interrupts]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] I wonder who I am, anyway. What do I do as a job?

Dr. Steve Brule:
Come on. Use your head, Steven!

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Maybe I make my way through this sorry old world as clown.

[Dr. Brule sees himself as a clown]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Look at that silly clown. Hey, clown.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] [chuckles] He's funny to look at a clown.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I'm probably not a clown. Get out of here, clown. Shoo! Shoo, clown.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Maybe I'm a fry cook, like my good ol' daddy. Like father, like son.

[Dr. Brule as a fry cook spits on the original Dr. Brule]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Hope not. Sure don't want to smell like horse grease all day.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Could be a fireman. Firemen are hunks.

Dr. Steve Brule:
This is what I probably am.

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Oh, yeah, that's what I am -- A rockstar, man.

Dr. Steve Brule (as a rockstar):
Rock 'n' roll!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Look what I am. [laughs]

Dr. Steve Brule:
[narrating] Well, maybe I'm not a rock star, but maybe I'm a rocket man -- A real rocket jockey.

Dr. Steve Brule (as a rocket man):
[imitates laser fires]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Don't shoot me, Rocket Man! You're me!

Dr. Steve Brule (as a rocket man):
[imitates laser fires]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wait till I tell Dorris Pringle-Brule-Salahari that her boy is a rocket man!

Ron Don Volante:
Yo. I'm Ron Don Volante. You know me from Bottoms Up. This is something from my hardcore single.

Ron Don Volante [sings] Big mackin', money stackin', 'round the hood, niggas all good. Got the diamond rings, pop the trunk, too much bump. Throw in the cash, bend down the stash. 12 gold chains and 2 matching earrings.

[after the Skateboards/Coma episode is ending]

Dr. Steve Brule:
Sometimes when you hit your head, your body makes bathroom and you don't even have to push.

Dr. Steve Brule:
If I am a dang fry cook, at least I get all the free french fries I want. Mmm! Mmm!

Dr. Steve Brule:
Still don't know who I am. Oh, well. It's the end of the show now.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Wait. Wait. I remember now. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Dang it. I was...hoping I was something else. I'm just a little Stevie Brule with bad breath.

Dr. Steve Brule:
Dang it.

Dr. Steve Brule:
I want to go back in a croma.

[Dr. Brule grabs a bat and hit himself in the head with it]