Coupling

Patrick:
It was just so embarrassing. I didn't know what to do.

Steve:
Happens to us all mate.

Jeff:
All of us, in our time, are visited by the melty man.

Patrick:
The what?

Jeff:
Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.

Patrick:
[chuckle] Terrified pants?

Steve:
[gravely] There's nothing funny about the melty man, Patrick.

Patrick:
[face falls] You know about the melty man, too?

Steve:
[in a "duh!" voice] We all know the melty man.

Patrick:
Who is he?

Steve:
The archenemy of trouser confidence.

Jeff:
Professor Moriarty. In groin form.

Steve:
Darth Vader

Jeff:
Without the helmet.

Patrick:
[terrified and shocked] What does he do?

Jeff:
Patrick, you *know* what he does.

Patrick:
[looks down] Oh right.

Jeff:
You're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the melty man strikes.

Steve:
Suddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored".

Jeff:
Maybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?

Steve:
Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead?

Jeff:
Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once [demonstrates]

Patrick:
[frowns]

Steve:
Or should you skip one breast completely just to save time?

Jeff:
She's wriggling about. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?

Sally:
[trying to explain to Patrick what platonic friendship with a woman is] What do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?

Patrick:
[beat] Men.

Tamsin:
So are you seeing anyone?

Oliver Morris:
Well, no. I guess it's a bit too soon for all that. For both of us really, isn't it?

[pause]

Oliver Morris:
*Isn't it?*

Tamsin:
It's been a year...

Oliver Morris:
Well, no we only spli...

Tamsin:
...since we had sex...

Oliver Morris:
Well actually it's been just under a...

Tamsin:
...both of us successfully.

Oliver Morris:
Okay.

Sally:
I hate having sex at home. I've got a listening flatmate.

Jane:
Oh no, I hate those. Do you have to be really quiet for her?

Sally:
No, I have to be really loud. We're very competitive.

Jane:
I'm being stalked, actually, so I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness.

Susan:
You're being stalked?

Jane:
Is that so hard to believe?

Sally:
My god!

Jane:
Everyday on my way home from work, a man follows me. It's true.

Susan:
Well, have you been to the police?

Jane:
They said I was being silly and paranoid. I heard them laughing after I left.

Sally:
That's terrible!

Susan:
Well, have you confronted the man who follows you?

Jane:
Well, there's no point, is there? It's never the same man twice. Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home. It's so well organized!

Steve:
What is this?

Susan:
It's a cushion.

Steve:
Right. Yes. Thank you for that. Very informative. [to Jeff] You got any of these?

Jeff:
No.

Steve:
Of course you haven't. [to shop assistant] You - are you married? Living with anyone?

Junior Shop Assistant:
No.

Steve:
Got any of these?

Junior Shop Assistant:
No.

Steve:
Of course not. Okay! [to the women] You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please... What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs? [to shop assistants] Come on, you sell them. What are they for?

Junior Shop Assistant:
Well...

Senior Shop Assistant:
You sit on them.

Steve:
Ah! Ha ha ha! You see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Okay, watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now watch me. I'm stting down. And what do I do on my final approach? I - oh! - move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process. It just lies there. It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

Jane:
It's, you know... padding.

Steve:
Oh, padding! Now, that's interesting, Jane. See, I like padding. If I was, say, an American Football player, and all those big bastards running at me, I would say "give me some of that padding and be quick about it." If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks I would say "in view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." But Susan, Sally, Jane, this is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course... [drops behind sofa, then sticks head out] Daleks. Trust me girls, trust me on this one: you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So please - once and for all, tell me why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these?

Susan:
Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you talking!

Jane:
Do they really call me the one with the breasts?

Susan:
Yes.

Jane:
Then what do they call you?

Susan:
Susan.

Jeff:
She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.

Jeff:
There's a supermodel who shags total prats and I don't know where she lives...

Jeff:
I love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it.

Howard:
[trying to explain to Jane that he's gay] Jane! [shouts] I am gay! And I've always, always been gay! I was the sperm at the back shouting "No! Don't send me into that big scary cave!" I was the only sperm who had to be chased by the egg. Don't you get it? I'm gay.

[Talking to Jane and Susan]

Sally:
At least you've been in there with Patrick. I've passed on my opportunity to be "Patricked."

Jane:
I'm just feeling so ridiculously horny. I swear, if I didn't have my heart set on having sex with a man, you two would be in serious trouble.

Sally:
I could never have sex with another woman. What if she had a smaller bottom?

Susan:
Excuse me! I have a crisis here way above bottoms on the crisis scale.

Sally:
We're women. There is nothing above bottoms on the crisis scale. Bottoms are our natural enemy.

Susan:
Sally, please...

Sally:
They follow us around our entire lives, right behind us and constantly growing. How do they do that? I'm sure mine's back there secretly snacking.

[Angus, staring at Mariella, opens a can of soda, which sprays all over Mariella]

Angus Deayton:
Sorry about that.

Mariella Frostrup:
Oh, don't worry about it. It happens to a lot of guys. [beat] Did I really just say that?

Jeff:
When God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name!

Susan:
Some men were born lucky. Some men were born very lucky.

Sally:
What was Patrick born?

Susan:
A tripod.

[Susan is about to show the others one of her breasts]

Susan:
Well? Which one do you want? The left one or the right one?

Patrick:
The right one. [to others] Trust me.

Susan:
Why? What's wrong with the left one?

Patrick:
Now, don't be like that. There has to be a second place.

Susan:
Well, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually!

Patrick:
You were asleep! I was bored!

Steve:
Jeff, every morning I wake up glad I'm not you.

Jeff:
Me too.

Sally:
Patrick, when I said I wanted to have a baby with you, I just meant... socially.

Patrick:
Socially?

Sally:
To tea.

Patrick:
Babies can't come round to tea, Sally.

Steve:
[to Patrick] Your DNA must cry itself to sleep at night.

Jane:
I really quite like being single. Except for the bit about not having a man.

Jeff:
Maybe women are completely different when we're not with them. Maybe they're not cross all the time.

Jane:
Friendship's more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking.

Jane:
He works in pizza delivery, which just answers all your prayers, doesn't it? Man, motorbike, has own food!

Susan:
Well, you know what it's like at the start, when they're all fiery-eyed, and eager, and they haven't seen you naked yet. And it's like he's smashing at your door with his mighty battering ram. And he's promising to ravish you forever. So you brace yourself for man overload, and throw open the doors, and what do you find standing there? An oversized toddler who wants his dinner. And before you can say, "There's been a terrible mistake," he's snoring on your sofa, the fridge is full of empty bottles and the whole place smells of feet.

Steve:
This is not, I repeat, *not* an American sitcom!

Sally:
[finds an engagement ring in a box labeled "Sally don't look in this box."] This is an engagement ring.

Patrick:
Yes it is.

Sally:
An engagement ring! Do you have a girlfriend?

Patrick:
Yes, Sally. [pause] You.

Sally:
Me?

Patrick:
Yes, you.

Sally:
Who are you proposing to then?

Patrick:
Who do you think?

Sally:
I... I...

Patrick:
I was waiting - I was waiting, as it happens, for the right romantic moment.

Sally:
[Looks around at the mess she made] F***.

Jane:
I am Giselle. [imitates whiplash] I am a French b*tch.

Sally:
[singing] I'm Susan the happy trotting elf! I trot and trot and bounce and bounce and smile a lot and that's what counts! I'm Susan the happy trotting smile a lotting elf! I'm polite so just for clarity, when I'm cross I say "Apparently!"

Steve:
I never bite heads off live fetuses.

Susan:
Words never before uttered at a pregnancy convention.

Steve:
[about what Jeff said to Audrey Watkins at his flat warming party] The worst chat-up line in the history of sex "You're so beautiful you should be embalmed".

Patrick:
If I don't like a woman, if there's no chemistry, if I'm not attracted to her, then I don't lead her on. I just get out of there.

Sally:
Really?

Patrick:
Everytime, before she *even* wakes up.

Sally:
So you do have sex with them, then?

Patrick:
Well, there's no need to be cruel, is there?

[Oliver gets out of the elevator, and decides to check himself out in the mirror. The sweater he is wearing to cover his nipples says "Bring Back Doctor Who."]

Oliver Morris:
Sh*t!

[Oliver takes the sweater off and throws it in the elevator. He touches his chest, and realises he's half naked. He tries to open the lift doors without success. Behind him, the door opens. He looks around, covering his nipples]

Jane:
Hello, Oliver.

Oliver Morris:
Hello, Jane.

Jane:
Well, you found the place all right, then.

Oliver Morris:
[trying to sound macho] Yeah. No problem. Cool.

[pause]

Jane:
Oliver.

Oliver Morris:
Yes, Jane?

[pause]

Jane:
Is there something you want to tell me?

[pause]

Oliver Morris:
I have miniature erections.

Sally:
A woman with clothes on has negotiating power.

Patrick:
Sometimes a man must choose between the right way and the wrong way... and misses by one.

Patrick:
[after announcing travel plans four minutes in advance] I was putting off telling you

Sally:
And?

Patrick:
I was successful.

Susan:
Can we please talk about this pregnancy without bringing up John Hurt?

Steve:
No man can do that!

[last lines]

Steve:
[Steve has just seen Susan making out with Jane, and he is now on the phone to Jeff] Oh Jeffrey, did you ever pick the wrong week to leave!

Susan:
[hunched over the hospital bed, in labor] Steve...!

Steve:
[standing at the door, scared] Yes darling?

Susan:
[camera zooms in to her face] Get me a F***ING EPIDURAL!

Steve:
[re: Why he still has Jane's key] I've never been able to give it back, she get's too emotional. Last time she bit my face!

[Steve has been bodily thrown out of the delivery room by Susan for asking, as she had made him promise, if she is sure she wants an epidural; he is now trying to go back in]

Midwife:
[to orderly] It's okay, don't call security. He just asked his girlfriend a little question.

Steve:
Yeah, I also asked her if I could ask it two more times.

Midwife:
She said, "You can't."

Steve:
Yeah, trust me, the word wasn't "can't".

Sally:
Unlock the cupboard.

Patrick:
I can't. Soon as I heard you coming I locked the cupboard and threw the key out the window.

Sally:
The cupboard is generally kept locked, isn't it?

Patrick:
At all times. Maximum security. If that door is shut, that cupboard is locked.

Sally:
And what did you do to the cupboard when you heard me coming in?

Patrick:
[pause] I... locked it.

Sally:
[opens cupboard door]

Patrick:
I'm trying to think on my feet.

Sally:
I know. It's like watching a whale knit.

[last lines]

[Steve goes over to look at their new baby but is suprised to find that he has no feelings towards it]

Steve:
So I shaded his eyes. And then... and then he looked at me. And oh my goodness me. I became someone else entirely.

Susan:
Fingers and toes, count them.

Steve:
Yeah, he's fine. It all looks pretty average. No eyes, though.

Patrick:
I never make more than one sex tape of a woman. I am not a pervert.

[Oliver gets out of the elevator, and decides to check himself out in the mirror. The sweater he is wearing to cover his nipples says "Bring Back Doctor Who."]

Oliver Morris:
Sh*t!

[Oliver takes the sweater off and throws it in the elevator. He touches his chest, and realises he's half naked. He tries to open the lift doors without success. Behind him, the door opens. He looks around, covering his nipples.]

Jane:
Hello, Oliver.

Oliver Morris:
Hello, Jane.

Jane:
Well, you found the place all right, then.

Oliver Morris:
[trying to sound macho] Yeah. No problem. Cool.

[pause]

Jane:
Oliver.

Oliver Morris:
Yes, Jane?

[pause]

Jane:
Is there something you want to tell me?

[pause]

Oliver Morris:
I have miniature erections.

Sally:
My love is not enough for your lordship.

Patrick:
Not enough, I'm lucky it's still attached.

Susan:
The pain of childbirth is part of being a woman.

Steve:
Yes, but it's the part we can fix!

Steve:
There's going to be pain...

Susan:
Yes.

Steve:
Pain for which relief will be offered...

Susan:
Yes.

Steve:
But which, apparently, you won't want...

Susan:
Yes.

Steve:
This is not an intelligence test that anyone should fail!

Jill:
Well, you seem healthy. So much for voodoo...

[Oliver is trying to make fun of the fact that his pregnant ex-girlfriend's boyfriend is not attending antenatal class with her]

Oliver Morris:
[sarcastically] Where is he then? What's the problem? Shy, is he? Afraid? Ashamed? Really, really ugly?

Tamsin:
[angrily] Dead!

Oliver Morris:
[contritely] Dead if fact. He's dead. That's where Tamsin's boyfriend is. Dead. That's the whole story. Move along now, nothing to see here. She probably wants to deal with in on her own.

Tamsin:
Oh, for God's sake! [runs off]

Oliver Morris:
[to others in class] Okay, everyone, we're not doing the laughing now. That's a no on the laghing. Laughing is canceled because of the whole death aspect.

Tamsin:
[returning] Oliver, he's not really dead. I just wanted you to make a prat of yourself.

Oliver Morris:
Ohay, he's not dead now, and I'm just making a prat of myself.

Steve:
Well, maybe you want to try not do that.

Oliver Morris:
Sorry. Can't stop. On a roll.

Jane:
[over the phone] Steve, I've gone to a dinner party and I'm accidently naked!

Harry:
I'm so sorry. May I just apologize from the very depths of my being for thinking you would have the slightest interest in anything I have to say.

Jane:
Don't be silly, it was an honest mistake.

Sally Harper:
Do you think I want people to know I'm some mad, lonely, desperate woman?

Patrick Maitland:
Of course not, it's just bad luck.

Patrick Maitland:
I'm 33, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay.

Patrick:
[on the phone to Jeff] We have our advisers online.

Steve:
[pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.

Susan:
This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.

Patrick:
[on the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.

Steve:
He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.

Sally:
Why doesn't he know already?

Steve:
Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.

Steve:
Because he's Jeff, and there's no known cure.

Steve:
Look, it is not physically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. Which is very unfair. Because you always know what we want.

Patrick:
Yeah, because we always have the common decency to only ever want one thing. And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Never.

Steve:
It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair, because you always know what we want.

Patrick:
Because we always have the decency to only want one thing.

Steve:
And do you ever thank us for making it that simple?

Patrick:
Never!

Patrick:
So what happened next?

Jeff:
She took a large stapler from one of the shelves.

Patrick:
A *large* stapler? [Steve stares at him] Sorry, it's hard to tell which part of the story is meant to be interesting.

Jane:
We just stood there looking at each other. There was so much electricity, you could have executed ten fat murderers.

Jeff:
You can't say 'hippo'. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal, cupboard-loitering lunatic.

Jeff:
That's not the point. The point is the new and terrifying location of my arse.

Jeff:
It's an arse nightmare. An arsemare.

Jeff:
There I am, innocently trying to free my head from a photocopier and my arse is wiggling about like an arse-maniac, like an arse of insanity in the mind of a madman.

Roger:
Don't worry, I won't bite you!

Jane:
Ahh, well I won't break your neck, then!

Jeff:
Have you ever tried to pull out during an 'h'?

Steve:
Jeff, the world in all it's fabulous diversity is entirely populated by people who have never tried to 'pull out' during an 'h'

Jeff:
Yeah, and you know why? It isn't a proper letter. It's just a 'hhuuh' noise. Once you've started on the 'hhuuh' you've basically 'hhuuhed' so what could I say? 'Hello?' 'How are you'? 'Hippo'?

Patrick:
Hippo?

Jeff:
You can't say hippo. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic.

Jeff:
Sex can be very stressful for men. You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina... We're just happy if you're naked... half naked... one breast.

[on being given the chance to see one of Susan's breasts]

Jeff:
No, no! That's the left, we want the good one.

Sally:
Remember, every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since thirty, I've had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men so I can justify the loss of elasticity.

Susan:
Sally, does it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?

Sally:
Susan, age brings you more to *shave*.

Sally:
Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?

Patrick:
It's never really come up.

Sally:
Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.

Patrick:
Then why does she keep looking at my ass when we're talking?

Sally:
She's lip-reading.

Susan:
[Everyone is waiting for Susan to show her breast] You know what? I *am* going to do this. I'm going to do this to show you how low, pathetic, and desperate you've all become!

Jeff:
Result!

Susan:
But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically.

Patrick:
Now there's a sentence that can't come up too often.

Jeff:
In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it. And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are!

Susan:
You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?

Jeff:
Who said destroy? "Remove."

Susan:
Yeah, well you wouldn't keep them... would you?

Jeff:
It's a perk.

Susan:
Oh, Jeff...

Jeff:
That's the beauty of it, you see? Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side!

Jeff:
[Steve has just confessed that he made a date with Susan while having sex with Jane] The Zone has a new king!

Steve:
Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!

Sally Harper:
Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
But you want to marry Susan, don't you?

Patrick Maitland:
Yeah, I mean we'd pretty much written you off.

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
Totally.

Steve:
W-Well, of course I want to! Yes! I don't want NOT to marry her... I don't want anyone else to marry her, but... it's like, you know, death.

Patrick Maitland:
Death?

Steve:
Yeah! You accept that it's coming, but you get kind of uncomfortable when people start talking dates.

Steve:
You can't take that excitement seriously! I mean, you know what men are like. That could happen any time, anywhere.

Susan Walker:
Okay, then. Make it happen now.

Steve:
What?

Susan Walker:
Well, you did it for Jane, you can do it for me. On you go then.

Steve:
I can't just switch it on! It's not like an emergency dinghy... I don't pull a ripcord!

Susan Walker:
Any time, anywhere, you said.

Steve:
Yeah, well normally I get some help. This isn't exactly sex talk, is it?

Susan Walker:
[defensively] I can do sex talk!

Steve:
I never said you couldn't. [he returns to studying the restaurant menu]

Susan Walker:
[after a pause] Nipples.

Steve:
What?

Susan Walker:
Nipples. They're... good?

Steve:
Yes, thank you. Nipples are... good.

Susan Walker:
Did that help?

Steve:
There's a fine line between sex talk and just... mentioning body parts.

Sally Harper:
I'm going to other people's weddings. I'm getting more and more single. If one more friend gets married, I'll be a lesbian!

Sally:
My best friend's boyfriend has seen my bottom. There must be a rule about that.

Jane:
A rule just for bottoms?

Sally:
You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.

Sally:
Steve, as your girlfriend's best friend, I am, to you, a bit like Australia.

Steve:
Australia?

Sally:
Yes. Very distant, largely uninhabitable, and with areas of great danger.

Steve:
Oh. I thought it was about having a lot of convicts.

[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked]

Jeff:
So, how was it?

Steve:
It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.

Steve:
Men can't have opinions about fabric.

[Steve is ranting about the usefulness of sofas, after discussing the unusefulness of cushions]

Steve:
But Susan, Sally, Jane! This is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course...

[drops to floor behind sofa, then pops back up]

Steve:
Daleks!

Junior Shop Assistant:
Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend?

Susan Walker:
Because I have acute nymphomania and my own brewery.

Steve:
You bring these things into our homes! They sit on our chairs! They WATCH our televisions! I-I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please - WHAT are they FOR? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards sitting around everywhere! I mean, what are they? Pets for chairs? [to salesman] Come on - you sell them - what are they for?

Senior Shop Assistant:
Well... you sit on them.

Steve:
Ah! Hahahaha. Y'see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me - I'm sitting down and what do I do on my final approach? I - ooh! - move the cushion! See? It's not involved! It's not... PART of the whole... sitting process. It just... lies there! It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!

Jane:
It's... y'know... padding.

Steve:
Padding? Oh now, that's interesting. I like padding. Y'know, if I was, say, uh, an American Football player, y'know, all those big bastards running at me, I would say "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!". Y'know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much". Susan, Sally, Jane, THIS... is a sofa! It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course... DALEKS. You do not, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So, please, once and for all, tell me WHY on earth you would want me to sit on one of these?

Susan:
BECAUSE... if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you TALKING!

[repeated line]

Jeff:
Cleft.

[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the main characters' minds]

Jane:
Let's all talk about me!

[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the main characters' minds]

Jeff:
Buttocks. Gusset. Bicycle saddle.

[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the main characters' minds]

Jane:
[flipping through a book of fabric patterns] Me, me, me, me, me, me!

[Captain Subtext uses his "truth helmet" to read the characters' minds]

Junior Shop Assistant:
[showing Susan some fabric patterns] I have an enormous penis.

Steve:
Actually, I've-I've got a bigger penis by far.

Junior Shop Assistant:
Sorry, but my penis is staggeringly vast.

Steve:
Look, I'm-I'm massively well-endowed!

Senior Shop Assistant:
[taking the fabric] I am the manager here, so *my* penis is like an enormous train, with gigantic...

Susan Walker:
Oh, for God's sake!

[Steve's girlfriend has found a pornographic video in his VCR]

Jeff:
Well, what was the title of the video?

Steve:
"Inferno."

Jeff:
Oh, no!

Patrick:
Well, what's wrong with "Inferno?" You can't tell anything from a title like that.

Steve:
That's not the whole title.

Patrick:
Well, what is it?

Sally:
"Lesbian Spank Inferno!"

Steve:
I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die!

Jill:
[about the film "Lesbian Spank Inferno"] How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?

Steve:
Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a bloke is. And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective. I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.

Sally:
I've never understood men's obsession with lesbianism - a whole area of sex with nothing for them to do. I've just answered my own question haven't I?

Jeff:
Well, it's kind of hard to tell isn't it 'cos you tend to fast forward if anyone's dressed. Sometimes I forget and do that with proper films. I can get through a lot of movies in an evening.

Jeff:
Oh, wouldn't that be great.

Patrick:
What?

Jeff:
Being a lesbian. All the advantages of being a man but with less embarrassing genitals. Plus, every time you have sex, there's four breasts! Two guest breasts and two you can take home afterwards, oh, it's bloody brilliant!

Patrick:
I like films with lesbians in them, 'cause it's nice to think there are attractive women out there who can't find a boyfriend.

Patrick:
Excellent!

Jill:
How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?

Steve:
Because it's got naked women in it. Look, I like naked women. I'm a bloke. I'm supposed to like them. We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying the view. Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is. And if you don't like it darling, join a film collective. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When man invented fire, he didn't say, "Hey, let's cook." He said, "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark. As soon as Gutenberg invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of, hey, naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not sure how insulted you really ought to be.

Jill:
A VEGETARIAN IS SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT EAT MEAT, YOU INSANE B*TCH!

Jeremy Phillips:
I wanted to talk to you about this morning's show...

Jane:
I think it was a success.

Jeremy Phillips:
Several people are in hospital.

Jane:
Jeremy, I'm reporting traffic. There's bound to be some casualties.

Jane:
[as Jake the sock puppet] Hello, everybody!

Sally Harper:
Oh, my God, it's a penis!

Jane:
[in own voice] It's not a penis! It's a snake!

Sally Harper:
Snake, penis, what's the difference?

Jane:
[as Jake] You're cute!

Sally Harper:
My God, Susan... I'm being criticized by a talking penis!

Susan Walker:
It's okay, Sally.

Sally Harper:
It took me three years of counselling to stop having that nightmare!

Jane:
I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.

Steve Taylor:
This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

Jeff:
Asses are the human races favorite thing. When God gave us our asses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the ass he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the ass. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name"

Lynda:
I like kissing, don't you?

Jeff:
Oh, yeah! Especially the tongues part. I love getting all that extra tongue. You know, sometimes I eat really cold ice cream just so that my tongue goes numb and it feels like someone elses... But then we all get lonely sometimes.

Steve:
You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

Steve:
[Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy] I think you may have been had, mate.

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
And a lot more often than you realize.

Sally:
It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.

Steve:
You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?

Jeff:
I know. Mothers, eh?

Jeff:
I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.

Steve:
I'm sure you always... lend a hand.

Jeff:
Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Uhh, no! Daylight!"

Julia Davis:
My brain melts and my breasts stick out.

Steve Taylor:
Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!

Steve:
[about the Fertility Clinic's cubicle] It's this place. It's too wholesome. Look, it's wrong for masturbation. Masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing. It's a stealth activity. You do it on your own, in secret, and you lie about it afterwards. You feel guilt! It's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt left available to a man. I mean, look at this place! Look what the mad fools have done: it's an office suite for masturbation. There's a *receptionist*. There are no receptionists in masturbation. Do you realize what I'm supposed to do here? Do you understand the insanity of it? I am being asked to masturbate in a *good* *cause*. No. Susan, I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us.

Jane:
I'm not pregnant! It's a miracle! I shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!

Sally:
I don't want Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid ass. I want you.

Patrick:
Oh, for God's sake, Sally.

Sally:
What? WHAT?

Patrick:
I was talking about me!

Sally:
I'm sor-You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?

Patrick:
[gesturing to self] Well, yes!

Patrick:
Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved; the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic-Ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right.

Sally:
I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly Fantasticness- you stupid, stupid Ass. I want you.

Patrick:
For God sakes, Sally.

Sally:
What... *What*?

Patrick:
I was talking about me!

Jane:
I've shagged and shagged and shagged, and all the little bastards missed!

[Susan finds Patrick with Steve in the cubicle at the fertility clinic]

Susan:
Patrick, you didn't think you would get to have sex with one of the nurses, did you?

Patrick:
I did.

Susan:
Patrick, you really are a sad, pathetic man.

Steve:
No, Susan. He *did*.

Susan:
[after announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.

Jane:
I'm not pregnant! I have shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!

Jeff:
Maybe you've fallen into a relationship thing.

Steve:
Thing? Yet you have 8000 words for breasts.

Jeff:
And counting.

Sally:
I don't want to look great. I want to look thin.

Jeff:
Its like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. Its a solemn occasion - say, a wedding. No - it's a minutes silence for someone who's died. The minute is ticking away... tick tock tick tock... and suddenly this thought pops into your head - The worst thing you can do in a minute silence is laugh. And you almost do, as an automatic reaction. But then, you think how awful it would have been if you HAD laughed, and you almost laugh again, only its a bigger laugh. But, then you think how funny it would have been if you'd laughed that bigger laugh, but this time the laugh is an enormous laugh. Let this one out and you get whiplash! So you're standing there, in this quiet room, shoulders going like you're drilling the road, and what do you think of the situation? Dear Christ! You think its funny!

Jane:
What the hell do you take me for, Steve? I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt! [She storms off. Steve turns around to see his next-door neighbor, who's been listening]

Steve:
That could so easily be misinterpreted...

Susan:
Does your dick do all your thinking?

Patrick:
Dunno. I'll ask it.

Sally:
Have you seen dead people? Trust me, death is the best argument for moisturizer.

Patrick:
You can't prevent death with face cream.

Sally:
That's what everyone thinks, but no one's ever used it in the quanitities I do.

Steve:
You are a pioneer of paranoia, Jeff.

Steve:
[explaining why he needs Jeff to come with him to Jane's aunt's funeral] Look, Susan doesn't have to know you're her date. If the four of us stick together, everyone's going to assume that I'm there with Jane and you're there with Susan. You know, that way no one asks any questions and everyone gets out of the funeral alive.

Jeff:
[beat] Except Jane's aunt.

Steve:
Well, it's her funeral. She's an acceptable casualty.

Sally:
[in the beauty salon, on the phone] That was the single lamest attempt anyone has ever made to get me to go out with him.

[puts phone down]

Patrick:
[comes in] Sally, how do you fancy coming with me to Susan's new boyfriend's ex's aunt's funeral?

Jeff:
Yeah, the pause is like a whole third person in the conversation, only not saying much... like Patrick.

Jeff:
My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers... that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman with let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

Steve:
What do you mean foreplay?

[Jeff is giving Steve tips before his first date with Susan. Susan and Sally have walked into the bar behind Jeff without his knowledge]

Jeff:
OK, foreplay tip number two. [Steve sees Sally and Susan and looks horrified] Whoever you normally fantasize about during sex, start calling them 'Susan.' With you, it's always Mariella Frostrup, right? [Steve smiles awkwardly at Susan] Well, call her 'Susan Frostrup'! That way, when you're in bed with Susan, you won't shout the wrong name when you have your eyes shut!

Susan:
Or you could call her 'God.'

Jeff:
[not realizing] Well, yeah, I mean, that'd work. [realizes, turns around and chuckles nervously]

Susan:
[coming around the table] So is it absolutely necessary to think about somebody else?

Jeff:
Well, everybody does. That's why there are so many celebrity marriages.

Sally:
I'm sorry?

Jeff:
Eh? Well, you know, if - if you fantasize about someone else during sex, and so does your partner, and, you know, those two people that you're fantasizing about happen to meet while you're still doing it, they're bound to sense something, aren't they? Because they're connecting on, like, a virtual plane. So can you imagine what it was like when Posh first met Beckham? They were the epicenter of a non-stop, nationwide virtual shag! Ehh! [does his hand thing] I mean, it's no wonder she got pregnant! [laughs]

Susan:
When the van comes for you, Jeff, go quietly.

Jeff:
[resignedly]... OK.

Patrick:
That's your foreplay tip? Socks?

Jeff:
Many men have fallen through the sock gap Patrick. Under the sexual arena of earthly delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks.

Sally:
You know what "I'll cook" says? It says, "Let's have sex."

Susan:
No, that would be, "Come and spend the night with me."

Sally:
"Come and spend the night with me" says, "Let's have sex." "I'll cook" says, "Let's have sex and I'll cater."

Jeff:
It must be alot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.

Howard:
Why's that?

Jeff:
Well, see, if you're gay, right... if you're gay, masturbation is practice! You can have a good old practice on you own, and when you're ready, when you got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's.

Jeff:
When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in them.

Susan:
Do you find your batteries always run out quickly?

Steve:
I've never had any complaints.

Steve:
I have forgotten in one moment of embarrassment, the *entire* English language!

Jeff:
I hate it when that happens!

Susan:
[she and Steve are about to make love together for the first time] Let's get squelchy!

Jeff:
[in Steve's dream] Excellent!

Steve:
How do you keep ending up in my dreams?

Jeff:
It's a gift.

Susan Walker:
[Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day - the VERY SAME DAY - I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men - and I don't mean to generalize - are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realize that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlors]... 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results - don't let them see how it all happens.

Jane Christie:
You know... I went out with Steve for six years...

Susan Walker:
Non, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.

Jane Christie:
Oh... well it seemed longer.

Susan Walker:
Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week - it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?

Sally:
Eggs.

Steve:
[Apologizing in Susan's dream after their breakup] I was just wrong... wrong about everything. Since you left me, I've come to see the point of cut flowers, and very small picture frames, and... and relatives. I'm thinking of owning more than one bar of soap at a time... and buying another towel. And the stands to put the toilet roll on... and a toilet roll, even when I've got a newspaper. I now realize that my Playstation... it's a complete waaste of my life... and that "a lack of realistic gore" is not a sensible criticism of chess. I absolutely promise to abandon all of my disgusting sexual deviancies like... lesbian porn... Mariella Frostrup... and talking to other women. Susan... please... just take me back! [He dissolves into tears]

Sally:
You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.

Jeff:
Women remember, Steve. It's like they have minds of their own.

Jane Christie:
Some people think that external beauty comes from inner tranquility. Of course, some people think it comes from drinking the blood of virgins, so there's quite a range there...

Steve:
Sex doesn't just have to be an animal act, you know. It's like a meeting of two people, a conversation.

Patrick:
What, you mean face to face?

Jeff:
It's not Steve's fault. You can't blame Steve. It's the cupboards fault. There's too much nudity in the cupboard.

Jeff:
We can't help ourselves. We hone in, we're drawn, like perverted moths'.

Sally:
You really don't have enough blood for both ends of your body, do you?

Patrick:
And that's a guarantee.

Steve:
Jeff, a water closet is a toilet. Are you actually trying to cheer me up by saying that there are plenty of fish in the toilet?

Patrick:
I think what Jeff is trying to say is that there are plenty of fish in the toilet... of love!

Steve:
[the men are in the pub talking about screen nudity] Britt Ekland!

Patrick:
Oh, oh, oh... Britt! Britt Ekland spells naked!

Steve:
Can I just mention the film..."The Wicker Man"?

Patrick:
The dance in the hotel room?

Steve:
Birth of my libido!

Jeff:
Mine too!

Patrick:
It was on the other night. I think I taped it.

Jeff:
Let's all go to Patrick's.

Steve:
No, no, no! I was only six. I had seen parts of Britt Ekland I couldn't even name!

Jeff:
I was seven. I didn't realize television could do that! I started watching it all day every day, just in case it did it again.

Steve:
I'm with you on that one.

Jeff:
My parents thought I was in love with the TV set.

Patrick:
'Cause you were watching it all the time?

Jeff:
Well... yeah.

Steve:
With you there,too.

Jeff:
But also, I'd get aroused the moment it was switched on. You know, even if it was just the news or "Doctor Who".

Steve:
Okay, not quite so with you now.

Jeff:
One day... one day I lost control in front of my whole family during "Songs of Praise".

Steve:
Lost control?

Jeff:
Completely rubbed off the television.

Steve:
Sorry... so you're telling us that, as a young child, and despite the obvious electrical dangers, you sexually assaulted the television during "Songs of Praise"?

Patrick:
Is... is that what happened to your hair?

Jane:
I really though I'd gone to his house, you know, to heal our spiritual divide, but it tuned out I was just gagging for a shag! Those two are so similar.

Jane Christie:
Susan likes Australians?

Sally Harper:
Her greatest fear is that one day they'll all turn up on her doorstep and gridlock London.

Steve Taylor:
Where are you going?

Susan Walker:
It's up to you.

Patrick:
[on pants] Jeff?

Jeff:
Yeah?

Patrick:
[dead serious] They spread.

Jeff:
What?

Patrick:
Pants. They spread, and grow.

Steve:
Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.

Patrick:
You start off with that sexy little thong...

Steve:
And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.

Jeff:
[scared] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.

Steve:
Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover *Switzerland*, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] 'Where are you going?' Every time! 'Where are you going?' She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is *covered* in shoes. [gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] 'WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?' [Jeff and Patrick stare at him]

Steve:
Uh... , S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there. [sits back down]

Steve Taylor:
There are three things all men should know, and it's time you did too. You're never going to be famous, you're fatter than you think, and, most important of all, they don't keep wearing stockings.

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
Julia always wears stockings. No, really! She's always worn them. She always will. She told me. [Steve and Patrick chuckle] In fact, Julia told me she...

Steve Taylor, Patrick Maitland:
[finishing with him]... prefers wearing stockings.

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
What?

Steve Taylor:
Stockings aren't real, Jeff. They're a myth.

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
Stockings are real. I've seen 'em.

Steve Taylor:
Oh, sure there are SOME stockings out there, but... there's... what? Ten pairs in the whole world?

Patrick Maitland:
Ten, at most.

Steve Taylor:
Ten pairs for all the women in the world. They share 'em out. [Speaking in a woman's voice] Oh, Julia! Y'got a new boyfriend? Your turn with the stockings then, but we'll need them back on Tuesday. There's an anniversary in New Zealand.

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
Tuesday?

Steve Taylor:
The stockings will go, Jeff. They'll just melt away.

Patrick Maitland:
Ok. Julia's pants. Really small?

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
Yeah, tiny. Really tiny.

Steve Taylor:
Somewhere between wispy and a trick of the light?

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go. Trust me.

Patrick Maitland:
Great, aren't they?

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
Yeah, they're not like real pants, they're like the ghost of pants.

Patrick Maitland:
Jeff?

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
Yeah?

Patrick Maitland:
They spread.

Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock:
What?

Patrick Maitland:
Pants, they spread and grow.

Steve Taylor:
Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.

Patrick Maitland:
You start off with a sexy little thong...

Steve Taylor:
And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent size trampoline.

Jane:
I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.

Sally:
But you're Jane.

Jane:
Kinda stuck. It's a long story.

Jeff:
You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex.

Steve:
Jeff, sex is legal.

Jeff:
You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.

Jeff:
[Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewelry.

Steve:
You what?

Jeff:
There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.

Steve:
Right?

Jeff:
Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewelry...

Steve:
No, no, Jeff please. Normally... has never been used in the sentence before

Jeff:
Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.

Steve:
OK.

Jeff:
Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take it's course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewelry box.

Steve:
I see.

Jane:
I have twelve breasts! Sorry, I was rounding up.

Susan:
Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.

Susan:
Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. Whatever way she turns, they're still facing you.

[Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it]

Susan:
Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?

Steve:
[slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are *men.* We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes *on*. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut *recreationally*. We don't know how to get excited about... really, *really* boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, *what* in the name of God's *ass* is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgment. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.

[audience applauds]

Susan:
Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?

Steve:
Would you mind?

Susan:
You should have asked.

Jane:
He moved in across the street about a month ago. Gorgeous!

Susan:
How gorgeous?

Sally:
Knitting pattern?

Jane:
Better than knitting pattern.

Sally:
Shaving advert?

Jane:
Gay porn!

Sally:
Wow!

Susan:
Results!

Jeff:
Serious problem, Steve. Top of the range problem. Problem number one.

Steve:
Number one?

Jeff:
This is like Captain Problem. This is like "Houston, forget that other thing".

Steve:
Jeff, is there some way we could fit you with an off-switch?

Jeff:
Breasts!

Steve Taylor:
There are times I worry about the way you see women.

Jeff:
I see women as people in their own right.

Patrick Maitland:
In many ways, they *are*.

Steve Taylor:
You see women as transport for breasts!

Jeff:
Hey, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that.

Steve Taylor:
Yeah, I can tell.

Jeff:
I need breasts with brains. I don't mean *individual* brains, obviously. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don't get on. There's a clash of personalities.

Jeff:
Sjadajim!

Jeff:
But she won't understand a word I'm saying.

Susan Walker:
Yeah, but on the plus side: She won't understand a word you're saying.

Jeff:
I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought and the next thing that happens they don't get on.

Jeff:
Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray...? Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form.

Jeff:
She's leaving the country... she doesn't speak English... I insulted her friend's breasts... and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.

Jeff:
You know what, there's something I've always wanted to say and, erm, now I feel that at long last I can. Breasts. Breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts!

Alice:
Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up.

Jeff:
Well, that's a bit unfair. It's hardly your fault.

[trying to come up with title for a movie about breasts that have brains]

Patrick Maitland:
The Girl With Two Brains.

Steve Taylor:
Three brains, Patrick.

Patrick Maitland:
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one!

Jeff:
I've got all that disgustoid stuff in my head now, what if I say gusset accidentally?

Steve:
[to Jeff] When you say things like nudity buffer, you actually expect people to know what you mean?

Jeff:
Alright, when you first see a woman you like you have a buffer of about five minutes before you have fully mapped out what she looks like naked.

Patrick:
A full five?

Jeff:
You have to asses her nipple type and that takes time.

Patrick:
Oh yeah good point.

Steve Taylor:
In the event of a mind ray, stand next to Patrick.

Jeff:
Yeah, but we're all the same as Patrick. See, women think we're normal, like them, 'cause we talk to them like normal people, you know, we say, "hello, how are you. Haven't seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?" But all the time in our brains, we've got the word "breasts" on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we'd all start shouting "Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!"

Patrick Maitland:
"Wobble Wars."

Steve Taylor:
What?

Patrick Maitland:
"Wobble Wars," the title for the new porn film about the battling breast-brains.

Patrick Maitland:
Forget the nudity buffer. She just did another glance.

Jeff:
Forget it? Forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I ever tell you about the little redhead in my office?

Patrick Maitland:
Never mind about the little redhead...

Jeff:
Been there two years but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing *deviant* sex acts that would make the world's top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.

Patrick:
Did you see that?

Steve Taylor:
Yeah, yeah I certainly did.

Patrick:
You got a glance, Jeff.

Steve Taylor:
Yeah, that was confirmed. We have confirmed glancing!

Patrick:
Okay, Jeff, maximize your advantage. Get over there and talk to her. Don't say "breasts!"

[Steve and Patrick are trying to get Jeff to speak to a beautiful girl who's been eyeing him all evening]

Steve:
If she touches her hair, you're in.

Jeff:
Her hair?

Patrick:
Yeah, their second thought is always to worry about their hair.

Jeff:
What, when they se someone they like?

Patrick:
...Just generally.

[the Girl teases the end of her hair]

Patrick:
This is not a drill!

Jeff:
I've got the key to the gates of paradise; but I've got too many legs!

Patrick:
There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Patrick:
And you haven't had sex with her?

Jeff:
No.

Patrick:
You see my problem?

Steve:
Let me explain, Patrick. Here on earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call *conversation*. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.

Patrick:
Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.

Steve:
Well, do the women talk too?

Patrick:
[pause] Well, they must do.

Steve:
So, she's gorgeous and you're definitely in... what's wrong this time?

Jeff:
This is the worst one ever! I can't even talk about it!

Steve:
Jeff, Jeff. I know about the Giggle Loop, the Sock Gap, the Nudity Buffer and what you said to Audrey Watkins. Believe me there is nothing you can possibly say that will surprise me. So what's the trouble?

Jeff:
I've got too many legs!

Susan:
Sally, for once in your life, why not appreciate a man for what he is, not what you can make him into?

Sally:
I'm going to do that. Of course I'm going to do that.

Susan:
Good.

Jane:
So, when can we meet him?

Sally:
When he's finished.

Sally:
[Sally is afraid about her boyfriend Liam meeting her male friends] What if they talk about sex?

Susan:
What if?

Sally:
What if Liam tells them about me? I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed. I'd have to kill them.

Susan:
Alright, so you're saying you've killed every man you've been to bed with?

Jane:
Ohhh! I thought they just stopped phoning.

Jane:
I've always wanted to date a gyneacologist. I want to *know* I'm special.

Steve:
Maybe you just don't fancy her.

Patrick:
But she was naked. She could've been anyone.

Steve:
Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?

Jeff:
Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

Steve:
[snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her *huskily* "baby".

Jeff:
You never called her baby before.

Steve:
You've never called anyone baby before.

Jeff:
So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you're starting to blush

Steve:
Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. No-one's got enough blood!

Jeff:
The engines cut. They can't take it.

Steve:
Then the melty man hits you with his secret weapon.

Jeff:
Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.

Steve:
Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!

Jeff:
[hand goes down] Pufff.

Patrick:
[with terror and disblief] How do you guys manage to have sex?

Steve:
["duh!" voice] We don't.

Jeff:
I haven't had sex in years.

Steve:
It's just not possible anymore.

Jeff:
We are followers of the melty man.

Steve:
And you're one of us now.

Patrick:
There is no connection between my dick and my brain!

Jane:
You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.

Sally:
You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.

Jane:
Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

The Melty Man:
Join me, Patrick

Patrick:
Never! You killed my erection!

The Melty Man:
No, Patrick, I *am* your erection.

Patrick:
Nooooo!

Sally:
[trying to figure out why Patrick was unable to 'perform'] Do you find me physically attractive?

Patrick:
Yes, you look great. You've got a great body.

Sally:
So what is it? My feet? My taste in hats, what?

Patrick:
There's nothing I don't like. What's wrong with you!

Sally:
Nothing, apparently! My great personality is inside my great body. So why aren't you?

Susan:
It's Fork Wilma... or Fork off.

Jeff:
I have a girlfriend!

Wilma Lettings:
So you keep saying, so why are you here?

Jeff:
Well, I-I I just...

Wilma Lettings:
She really does exist this girlfriend?

Jeff:
Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.

Susan:
I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."

Steve Taylor:
Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.

Susan:
The deterrent?

Steve Taylor:
Well, yeah - you know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.

Susan:
Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.

Steve Taylor:
Which - may I remind you - really lasted.

Susan:
So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?

Steve Taylor:
Oh, among many other things.

Sally:
[Discussing a flirting style] You got to admire the technique.

Susan:
Very passive-aggressive.

Patrick:
Very what?

Susan:
It's what happens when a woman takes control of a conversation.

Patrick:
What happens when a man takes control of the conversation?

Susan:
I have *absolutely* no idea.

Jeff:
It was like an arse nightmare! An ARSEMARE.