Daria

Trent Lane:
[his breathy greeting to everyone] H-hey.

Jane:
Daria, you're going to hell.

Daria:
Any place that's better than Lawndale.

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie:
You know, you aren't supposed to ride those things without a helmet.

Kevin:
Hey, I don't follow rules. I'm rebellent.

Daria:
Did he say "repellent?"

Jane:
Seems like he should have, doesn't it?

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie:
Come on, man, it's just a sprained knee. You gotta play. The team needs you.

Kevin:
No, it doesn't. The only team that needs me is the one that sits all the time: The chess team.

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie:
But you don't even know how to play chess.

Kevin:
Oh, yeah? King me, king me, king me!

Brittany Taylor:
Then he said that his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
What does that mean?

Brittany Taylor:
I don't know, but it sounds bad. Like, Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Lips? So, we're off the armpit thing?

Daria Morgendorffer:
You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.

[Jane grabs Daria's notepad]

Jane Lane:
"Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"

Daria Morgendorffer:
It's a work in progress.

Tom Sloane:
I take it your quarterback is still wallowing in self-pity.

Daria:
I wish he'd try self-immolation.

Kevin:
What's saving lives if there's no one to make out with?

Daria:
I believe Gandhi asked that same question.

Jane:
It's why he had to be eliminated.

Kevin:
Kissing me now would be like kissing one of those guys who wear old man pants and watch Touched by an Angel!

Jane:
Daria, maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

Daria:
So my sister's scouting out new zip-codes, my father's so mad he can only see the color red, and the other day when my mother was paying bills I caught her trying to smudge her return address labels. My home life's becoming intolerable.

Jane:
BECOMING intolerable?

Daria:
[Silence]... Is there such a word as intolerabler?

[School is on a mountain hiking trip]

Ms. Li:
We'll have no problem reaching base camp before dark, as long as there are no more surprises.

[Snow begins to fall]

Daria:
Surprise.

Quinn:
OK, Daria's talking, so I have to leave now.

[Walking lost in the mountains during a blizzard]

Jane Lane:
I think this could really be it!

Daria:
What are you talking about? Just keep walking, we'll find our way!

Jane Lane:
I don't know, Daria! This is bad!

Daria:
...Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend!

Jane Lane:
Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother!

Daria:
[Awkward silence]... I feel like we should say more!

Jane Lane:
I know, that was kind of pathetic!

Daria:
Umm... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child!

Jane Lane:
I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&Ms... Better?

Daria:
I've made my peace!

Jane Lane:
So, this didn't work out so bad. We managed to survive the blizzard and ditch the field trip.

Daria:
Plus, you got that thing off your chest about the blue M&Ms.

Jane Lane:
Do you think we should feel guilty about leaving our classmates stranded in the wild?

Daria:
Who?

Jane Lane:
Mr. DeMartino, we'd like to volunteer to go with you.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
As much as I appreciate your KIND, if FOOLhardy offer, I have to decline. It's too DANGERous out there! Once you walk out those doors, you may NOT be coming back!

Daria:
Okay. Then we're all on the same page.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Very well, but dress for survival.

Daria:
Well, I was gonna dress for perishing, but okay.

Daria:
Let me make a quick assessment of our situation: We're lost in a blizzard with no equipment and no leadership, and if we don't get help we'll probably have to drag back the body of our history teacher.

Jane Lane:
When you put it that way you make it sound bad.

Daria:
Then let me rephrase: what started out as a grim, life-negating field trip has turned into a grim, life-negating gape into the void.

Daria:
You know, if this storm doesn't let up it could take days for help to arrive.

Jane Lane:
Well, when everybody gets hungry enough it'll be interesting to see who gets eaten first.

Helen:
Well, how was the field trip after the snow stopped? Did you girls learn anything?

Quinn:
I learned that sometimes being too well dressed can work against you. Who would've thought that one's fashion sense could have a dark side. The normally life-affirming act of choosing an outfit...

Helen:
[Interrupts] YES, Quinn. And what about you, Daria?

Daria:
I came to the realization that given a choice between sharing shelter with my fellow students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard, it's blizzard-ho for me.

Daria:
[Deadpan] Hey Quinn, I need to borrow your neck insulator thingy to go out on this highly dangerous and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay?

Quinn:
[Breathy] Whatever, I've got my own problems.

Daria:
Please, stop the sisterly tears of concern, you're making a scene.

Jane:
You'll figure out something. Use your womanly attributes.

Daria:
Gotcha. I'll give birth.

Quinn:
Mom, I need your help. This really mean guy drew an ugly picture of me and the Fashion Club at the art fair, and we want to sue for defamation of character.

Helen:
Quinn, you can't sue for defamation of character; he didn't do anything to harm your reputation.

Quinn:
Yes he did! He made my face look like one big freckle! Mom, the embarrassment, the pain, the suffering!

Helen:
In the eyes of the law, pain and suffering are when a surgeon leaves his pager in your spleen.

Quinn:
Ew! What if you were on a date and it started beeping?

Helen:
[On the phone] Sandi, is Quinn all right?

Sandi Griffin:
Actually, none of us are all right, given how we were cruelly maligned by that so-called "artist."

Helen:
Sandi, I already explained to Quinn that a lawsuit is out of the question.

Sandi Griffin:
Yes, so she told me. But, Quinn is a simple, uncomplicated girl and perhaps didn't consider other legal avenues we could explore to address our problem.

Helen:
I'm really terribly busy.

Sandi Griffin:
You see, given that this person is hardly an artist and therefore falsely represented himself, I thought we might take steps to have him disbarred.

Helen:
Sandi, disbarring only applies to lawyers.

Sandi Griffin:
Exactly, and you're a lawyer. So, you can do it, voila.

Jane:
You're a real Joan of Arc, you know that?

Daria:
Yeah. And I think I just ordered a stake.

Mr O'Neill:
So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of the poster, I just want to make it more palatable. You know what they say: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."

Jane:
Not if you're diabetic.

Daria:
The systems failed us.

Jane:
The system sucks. Were going to have to go outside the system.

Daria:
You don't mean...

Jane:
Yes.

Jane Lane:
Can she do that?

Daria Morgendorffer:
No, this is all a bad dream brought on by too much pene a la pesto.

Jane Lane:
Do we have any recourse or anything? I mean, cant we talk to Mr. O'Neil

Daria Morgendorffer:
We could appeal to him, and he might turn the full force of his overwhelming personality to Ms. Li, and then she'd eat him.

Jane Lane:
Well, what about your mother?

Daria Morgendorffer:
How about yours?

Jane Lane:
My mother's a little preoccupied right now. She's tracking down the source of a disturbing heat variation in her kiln. But your mother is a lawyer.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yeah, a mother that thinks it's a good idea for me to get involved in the poster contest... [sighs] The systems failed us...

Jane Lane:
The system sucks. We're going to have to go outside the system...

Daria Morgendorffer:
You don't mean...

Jane Lane:
Yes.

Ms. Angela Li:
Did you really think you would ge away with this?

Jane:
Well, it would be stupid to say yes now.

Trent Lane:
All right, here's the plan. I'll sit right here with my foot on the accelerator, ready to burn rubber.

Jane:
Trent, pull over there and make sure to turn off the car in case you fall asleep.

Trent Lane:
Alternate plan. Cool.

Jane:
What does this have to do with our poster?

Mr O'Neill:
It changes a negative message into a positive one. She's not pretty because she starved herself into it; she's pretty because she takes care of herself! It's even more powerful than before, because it's upbeat!

Jane:
I see. She's not going to throw up anymore. But I might.

Daria:
Don't do that. It's downbeat.

[Looking at Jane and Daria's poster for the art contest]

Ms. Claire Defoe:
Oh Jane. She's beautiful.

[Reading the poem]

Ms. Claire Defoe:
She knows she's a winner. She couldn't be thinner. Now she goes to the bathroom and vomits up dinner.

Ms. Angela Li:
[over the telephone] Mrs Morgendorfer, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. Your daughter Daria appears to have been involved in an act of vandalism.

Helen:
What?

Ms. Angela Li:
Mrs. Morgendoffer, your daughter collaborated with Jane Lane in the creation of a poster for our art contest.

Helen:
Yes, I'm aware of that.

Ms. Angela Li:
We found part of the poster unacceptable. So it was altered prior to it's entry. Unfortunatley someone defaced the poster while it was on display and since your daughter and Miss Lane were objecting to changing it, I must assume that they were the vandals. I'm going to have to take drastic action.

Helen:
Wait a moment. You're saying the girls were against changing the poster but entered it into the contest anyway?

Ms. Angela Li:
It was entered for them.

Helen:
I was under the impression that participation in this contest was voluntary.

Ms. Angela Li:
Yes, but your daughter refused to volunteer, so in her case I made it mandatory.

Helen:
All right Ms. Li, let me make sure I have this straight. You took my daughter's poster from her, altered its content, exhibited it against her will and are now threatening discipline because you claim she defaced her own property which you admit to stealing?

Ms. Angela Li:
That's not what I said at all!

Helen:
Ms. Li, are you familiar with the phrase, violation of civil liberties?

[Ms. Li stammers in terror]

Helen:
And the phrase - Big, fat lawsuit?

Daria:
What's wrong?

Helen:
Your father had a little business setback, dear. He lost a client.

Jake Morgendorffer:
"I got a great idea," he said. "A million dollar idea," he said. "Cigars for pets. What do you think?" he said. "I want you to be honest," he said. What the hell made me believe him?

Daria:
How about we call it, "America's Future Leaders," and we just enlarge a picture of Kevin and Brittany?

Jane:
Come on, that's too depressing. How about we call it, "Beauty is only Skin Deep," and we attach the actual skin of a student?

Daria:
Oh, I like that. I wonder if we can talk Quinn into donating hers?

Jane:
You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I'm going to do something that really represents student life.

Daria:
Yes.

Jane:
And tell the truth about how much it can suck.

Daria:
Yes.

Jane:
To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young.

Daria:
Yes.

Jane:
And you're going to help.

Daria:
No.

Daria Morgendorffer:
So then... Splat. Dinner ends up all over my dad's head.

Jane Lane:
Wow, excellent, your youthful integrity is tearing your family asunder.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of your poster, I just want to make it more "palatable'. You know what they say, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down".

Jane Lane:
Not if you're diabetic.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
What are you guys doing here?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Observing.

Jane Lane:
Innocently.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster... Wait a minute, what are you guys planning?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Get lost, Landon.

Jane Lane:
For your own good.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You've got a bright future, kid.

Jane Lane:
You don't wanna be here when what's gonna go down goes down.

Ms. Angela Li:
Hello, Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is Angela Li, principle of Lawndale High.

Helen Morgendorffer:
Yes, Ms. Li, how may I help you?

Ms. Angela Li:
Mrs. Morgendorffer, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. Your daughter, Daria, appears to have been involved in an act of vandalism.

Helen Morgendorffer:
What?

Ms. Angela Li:
Mrs. Morgendorffer, your daughter collaborated with Jane Lane in the creation of a poster for our art contest...

Helen Morgendorffer:
Yes, I'm aware of that.

Ms. Angela Li:
We found part of the poster unacceptable, so it was altered prior to it's entry. Unfortunately, someone defaced the poster while it was on display, and since your daughter and Miss Lane had objected to changing it, I must assume they were the vandals. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take drastic action.

Helen Morgendorffer:
Wait a moment, you're saying the girls were against changing the poster, but entered it in the contest anyway?

Ms. Angela Li:
It was entered for them.

Helen Morgendorffer:
I'm under the impression that participation in this contest was voluntary.

Ms. Angela Li:
It was, but your daughter refused to volunteer, so in her case I made it mandatory.

Helen Morgendorffer:
All right, Ms. Li, let me make sure I have this straight; You took my daughter's poster from her, altered it's content, exhibited it against her will, and are now threatening discipline because you claim she defaced her own property which you admit to stealing?

Ms. Angela Li:
That's not what I said at all!

Helen Morgendorffer:
Ms. Li, are you familiar with the phrase "Violation of Civil Liberties"?

Ms. Angela Li:
I...

Helen Morgendorffer:
[Interrupting] And the phrase "Big fat lawsuit"?

Jake Morgendorffer:
What do you think, Daria? Stonewall Jackson fed his men these Johnny cakes the night before the battle of Chancellorsville.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Well, that explains why they shot him there.

Helen:
Daria, you can't spend the rest of your life in there.

Daria:
I can once they put in my high-speed internet connection.

Daria:
[Giving the freshmen a tour of Lawndale High] Now, over here is the lunch room. As middle school veterans, you already know that this is the center for spit balls, laughing milk up through your nose and food poisoning of every variety.

Jane:
Who here wants to slip me a 20 to point out the popular tables so you can start fighting for a seat now? [Silence]

Daria:
Okay. Let's move on to hell and purgatory, also known as the gym and locker rooms.

Jane:
Where, for 20 bucks, I'll show you which showers haven't been peed in... to my knowledge. [Shocked silence]

Daria:
My friend is just kidding you, of course; they've all been peed in.

Kevin:
Daria, you're a chick, right?

Daria:
Why? You have a biology test today?

Kevin:
Like, why should I be interested in anything this Shakespeare guy says?

Daria:
You? Well... Hamlet's got a skull in it.

Jane:
Do you know CPR or anything?

Daria:
I once gave the Heimlich maneuver to Quinn.

Jane:
Did it work?

Daria:
She wasn't choking.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality!

Daria:
You mean... the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
Jodie, about that word, "community." Isn't that the whole idea of a cybercaf?? To jack us into the global community? I think what's most disturbing about this crime is the symbolism involved. Don't you agree, Jane?

Jane:
No.

Brittany Taylor:
[Brittany and Kevin are reenacting Romeo and Juliet, with Brittany on a folding ladder] Oh Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Kevin Thompson:
[Holding skull] I'm right here, babe! [Football players can be heard cheering Kevin on]

Brittany Taylor:
Deny thy father and refuse thy name! Or thou will't not be but sworn, my love, and I'll no longer be a caplet [sic] !

Kevin Thompson:
Hey! Yo! I'm down here! Check it out!

Brittany Taylor:
Check it out? You promised to learn your lines, you, you clown! And what's that skull supposed to be? [Brittany storms off and sighs in frustration]

Andrea:
[Reading poetry at the coffeehouse] I'm here. But where are you? Sure, I see your body. Anybody home in that rotting bag of flesh?

Jane:
[to Daria] See? You don't wanna do poetry for this crowd.

[Daria is trying to convince Jane to help her sell candy bars door to door]

Jane:
No way, baby.

Daria:
Come on. Do it for friendship.

Jane:
I have no friends. I walk alone.

Daria:
Well, then, do it for sisterhood or something.

Jane:
Are you nuts?

Daria:
Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed-up tastes they have.

Jane:
I'm bringing a Polaroid.

Quinn:
Eww. Look how dirty those sheep are. From now on I'm only buying imported wool.

Amelia:
This reminds me of the time you boycotted the end of summer campfire by the lake. That was so cool.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Actually, I wasn't invited.

Amelia:
Oh.

[laughs]

Amelia:
Remember the time you took of on your horse and left us all behind.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You mean the horse ran off with me on it, and tossed me in the river, and I had to get nine stitches.

Earl:
Can I tempt you with a cookie? Me and my wife made them right back in the house, there.

Jane Lane:
Two bucks apiece? There must be gold in that icing.

Earl:
[Chuckles] Oh, no. It's not what you put into the cookies, it's what you put *into* the cookies. You know what I mean?

Jane Lane:
Oh, sure. You're saying you have echolalia. Echolalia.

Kevin:
[the whole class has been given a personality test] Hey, Daria. What's the answer to the first question?

Daria:
You mean the one on who I really am? Try "cross-dresser."

Kevin:
Thanks, D.

Jane:
Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go.

[classmates look at her in disbelief]

Jane:
Television counts as a place.

Professor:
[Daria is daydreaming about her future college life] Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.

Daria:
I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.

Professor:
But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.

Daria:
Well...

Professor:
Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.

Daria:
Oh! Okay.

Professor:
Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!

Daria:
How come, even in my fantasies, everyone's a jerk?

Jane:
What happened to all your paper-writing money?

Daria:
My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.

Jane:
So, she's giving up being a lawyer?

Daria:
I asked her that, and I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms.

Daria:
One more time: I am *not* taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
[Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out] Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Wait a minute!

Daria:
Maybe we can sit together!

Daria:
Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title "Sons and Lovers" does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.

College student:
What about something he said when we broke up?

Daria:
...no.

Daria:
Then we filled out this worksheet, and that was pretty much it. Money well spent, since it wasn't my money.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
You left out the best part.

Daria:
Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
It's not a date. We're meeting to discuss scholarship options.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Scholarship? Way to go, sweetie.

Daria:
There's no such thing as a making-out scholarship.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Uh, excuse me, but I think he would know better than you.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Anyway, the best part, I meant, was the trip.

Jake Morgendorffer:
What trip?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
We have to visit a college of our choosing.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Great! We'll go to Middleton!

Jake Morgendorffer:
We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend!

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
We're walking? Ugh!

Daria:
[to Helen] Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.

Jake Morgendorffer:
[Daria walks in the living room and sees the rest of her family seated] Hey, Daria! Come on in!

Daria:
Uh... what happened?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Nothing - only somebody in this family turned out to be college material.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Quinn was accepted to Manatee College in Florida!

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Remember those stupid worksheets we had to fill out for that course? Mine won.

Jake Morgendorffer:
I'm so proud of you, honey.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Manatee... it sounds kind of European, don't you think?

Daria:
Uh, did you guys read this letter?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Yes, and it says right there that she's in.

Daria:
And here at the bottom it also says, "Manatee College has no classes, but offers beachfront accommodations at a cost of $10,000 per semester."

Quinn Morgendorffer:
That's even better than we thought, right, Dad?

Jake Morgendorffer:
[Snatches letter from Daria] Give me that!

Jane:
[Last lines] All in all, then, the whole college experience kind of sucked.

Daria:
Pretty much.

Jane:
Does that mean *these* are the best years of our lives?

Daria:
I hope not.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Ugh! [Quinn throws her soda in the instructor's face] I should have known Daria was right about that making-out scholarship!

Daria:
But you've gotta admit, there are some pretty choice moments.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
[the car the Morgendorffers are in runs over road kill] Daddy!

Jake Morgendorffer:
It was dead already, sweetheart. Just like the others.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
How do you know?

Daria:
You didn't hear any screaming, did you?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.

Daria:
What about unpopular animals?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Unpopular animals don't count.

Daria:
What about the stupid ones?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Come on, girls. We'll be at Susan and Doug's soon.

Daria:
Hooray.

Jake Morgendorffer:
It'll be fun. You can hang out with Ramona.

Daria:
Ramona's three.

Heather:
[a deliveryman drops off a paper for Heather] My psych term paper. Finally. Nobody respects deadlines anymore.

Daria:
[Daria reads the paper] Uh, you paid somebody to write this for you?

Heather:
It was a collaboration. My part was to say how long it should be and when it was due.

Daria:
But the first paragraph doesn't even make sense. How much did you pay for this?

Heather:
Fifty bucks.

Daria:
I can fix this for you for ten bucks.

Heather:
Really? Great.

Roommate 1:
Wow. You know anything about the English Civil War?

Roommate 2:
How about Renaissance painting?

Daria:
What I don't know, I can fake. But cash only. I don't take checks from college students.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yeah. I'm tired of being at a school where the kids just think they're cooler than me. I want to go to one where they're smarter than me also.

Jane Lane:
And the other thing is, who came up with the name tennis bracelet anyway. It sounds like some kind of sweatband if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive? " -Quinn

[Jodie and Mack are observing Jane's mural in tribute to Jackson Pollock]

Jodie Abigail Landon:
See how the hands grip the steering wheel, like he still thinks he could drive his way out of it?

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie:
Yeah. Maybe he could if his arms were attached.

Brittany Taylor:
I can't believe it. NO one has asked me to the dance! Am I losing my looks?

Andrea:
THEY'RE gaining their senses.

Kevin Thompson:
[to Robert, enraged after seeing him with Britney] Nobody messes with my girlfriend unless it's me! Die!

Jane:
You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.

Daria:
I'm sure they already are.

Brittany:
Oh, my gosh! Look at the Jell-o!

Daria:
It's... jiggling.

Jane:
[to Brittany] Worried about the competition?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Who do you want in an emergency? Superman, or your damn inner-child?

Daria:
Great. Now we're not only going to die, the headline's going to read "Quarterback and others perish."

Helen Morgendorffer:
[on the phone] Give me that. Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls? Are your parents there? Are they in town at all? Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane? Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here. You'll be safer. Then put some on! And get over here now, young man! [hangs up] Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore?

Sandi Griffin:
Running for your life is so geeky.

Daria:
[singing] Oh me, oh my! A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up dead, so I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and sleep in class instead of in my bed.

[Daria is crammed in a supply shed next to Brittany]

Daria:
Um, Brittany? Do you mind pointing those things in another direction?

Brittany:
Sorry.

Daria:
Could they make the holidays any more vulgar?

Jane:
I hope so.

Daria:
What?

Jane:
The more debased they become, the less reason there is to celebrate them. That means the less reason for my family to get together until presto I'm finally alone on Thanksgiving with a TV dinner.

Jane:
Well, you lead an interesting life when I'm not around. Have you been drinking some out-of-season nog, perhaps?

Quinn:
What was that?

Daria:
My imaginary friend fell down.

Quinn:
God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.

Sandi Griffin:
What's wrong, Quinn? You seem uncharacteristically sloppy.

Christmas:
What do you care if we go back to Holiday Island?

Daria:
All I care about is that if this dream isn't the first sign of a brain tumor.

Quinn:
Daria we've got to do something about mom and da -... what's going on?

Daria:
I've got three fugitive holidays staying in my room. How's your day going?

Quinn:
Great. Now who are they, really?

Daria:
As stupid as it sounds, these are actual holiday spirits on the run from the law.

Quinn:
That's the problem with you brains; you think lying is child's play.

Daria:
See, cupid shot mom and dad full of love so I'd help him get these guys back to holiday island.

Quinn:
...Are you taking some kind of experimental depression medicine?

Daria:
Of course not.

Quinn:
Too bad, you're going to need it when the new baby arrives.

Jane:
[Walking into Holiday Island High] This is just like a highschool.

Daria:
You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.

St. Patrick's Day:
It only seems like highschool... actually, it's much worse.

Jane:
THAT'S what we'll be saying all our lives.

Jake Morgendorffer:
They're going to make it illegal to shoot squirrels? Damn it. What kind of town is this?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Why is everyone so mad at me?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Exactly.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
All right then.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Okay.

[they kiss]

Daria Morgendorffer:
Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I liked it, too.

Daria Morgendorffer:
That's not funny!

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I know.

[they kiss again]

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
That was definitely not funny.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I gotta go! [runs out of the car]

Trent Lane:
Hey, you know, about Tom and all... it'll be okay.

Jane Lane:
Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.

Trent Lane:
Maybe it is.

Jane Lane:
So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?

Trent Lane:
I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?

Jane Lane:
[smiles] Idiot.

Daria Morgendorffer:
So... what happens now?

Jane Lane:
I was hoping you knew.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Are we still friends?

[Jane doesn't answer]

Daria Morgendorffer:
Are we?

Jane Lane:
Yeah. We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Temporarily, right?

Jane Lane:
I hope so, Daria.

Jane Lane:
Maybe we'd better to talk about this later.

Daria Morgendorffer:
There's nothing to talk about. You're delusional.

Jane Lane:
Oh, well, in that case, I can just talk to myself about it.

Daria Morgendorffer:
...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one who's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobody to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Oh.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I didn't mean it that way.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations...

Daria Morgendorffer:
Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
I'm sure it was just a one-time...

Daria Morgendorffer:
Twice.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
[sighs] It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Daria... nobody got killed.

Daria Morgendorffer:
No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
What about Tom?

Daria Morgendorffer:
I'm not thinking about Tom! [sighs] You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Who came up with that stupid arrangement?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
It's called life.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Life sucks.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Yes. Sometimes... often.

Daria Morgendorffer:
*That's* reassuring.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
But it still beats the alternative. Honey, things will work out. I don't know how, but they will.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You don't know how? What kind of parental wisdom is that?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Honest?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Don't you have to be getting back to that huge case of yours?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Oh, don't worry about that. It's completely under control.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I'm a real idiot. There's no question about that.

Jane Lane:
Who's arguing?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
We should have just broken up and I never should have dragged Daria into it.

Jane Lane:
What do you mean, we should have just broken up?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Come on. We weren't going anywhere. We were about to break up.

Jane Lane:
Yeah. So now what? You going to go out with her? I guess I gotta get a new best friend.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
What are you talking about?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
What am I going to do, tag along on your dates? Forget it. That's too weird for me.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Yeah. I don't know why we expected her to do it.

Jane Lane:
You're going to have just a super time dating Daria. She loves to have fun.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I didn't say I was going to date her. I know how antisocial she is.

Jane Lane:
Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
What are you talking about? You want me to go out with her?

Jane Lane:
Of course not. I mean, I don't know. Just... look. All that time... were you going out with me just to get to her?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Are you crazy?

Jane Lane:
I don't know. Am I?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I really like you, Jane. You're smart and you're funny, you have a great attitude... you do everything on your own terms. You're, like, from a cooler world.

Jane Lane:
I am, aren't I?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
You really are.

Jane Lane:
Too bad you're such a dork.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I know.

Daria:
Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.

Jake:
I'll say.

Daria:
I have low esteem for everyone else.

Jane:
I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.

Mrs. Manson:
Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.

Daria:
It's Daria.

Mrs. Manson:
I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?

Daria:
Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Mrs. Manson:
Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.

Daria:
Last time I took one of these tests, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.

Mrs. Manson:
That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people, and you tell me what they're discussing.

Daria:
Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

[Mrs. Manson frowns, while Daria smirks]

Helen:
But what does your self-esteem teacher say?

Daria:
He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child and replicate them... but I suppose Quinn's here to stay.

Helen:
We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just don't get it. What's wrong with you?

[Discussing Manifest Destiny and the Mexican War in history class]

Mr. DeMartino:
Kevin, do you know what war was fought over manifest destiny?

Kevin:
Umm... the Vietnam War?

Mr. DeMartino:
That came a little later, Kevin. About a hundred YEARS later. A lot of people died in that war, Kevin. I think we OWE IT TO THEM to at LEAST get the CENTURY right.

Quinn:
Nobody told me about any test!

Daria:
Don't worry; It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt.

Quinn:
Oh, alright.

Helen:
Daria, your father's trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them. You're in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. You don't want it to be Highland all over again.

Daria:
Not much chance of that happening... unless there's uranium in the drinking water here, too.

[after Daria and Jane pass succesfully the self-esteem class, Mr. O'Neill congratulates them at the school assembly]

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
I'd like you to meet two students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please, join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to...

[Mr. O'Neill reads the names from a ticket, since he fails to remember faces]

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
...Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane.

[meager applause]

Jane:
[shrugs] Oh, what the hell.

[Jane and Daria approach Mr. O'Neill and take their certificates. Jane steps up to podium, intending to turn the whole foolish event into a joke]

Jane:
I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem.

[Jane smirks at Daria, then launches into her act]

Jane:
[wears sad expression] On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something...

[Daria smiles. The audience starts tittering]

Jane:
I... uh... I want to go home!

[Jane pretends to burst into tears, and runs off stage. The audience bursts out laughing]

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
Daria, wait!

[Mr. O'Neill runs after Jane. Daria steps up to podium]

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Can anyone give me another example of a group using coercive techniques such as peer-pressure, chanting, and social-isolation to achieve control over its members?

Britney:
Cheerleading?

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Ah, Britney, sometimes despite a complete lack of insight, you stumble upon an interesting answer.

Daria:
So what do they talk to the guys about?

Jane:
Room full of guys and a male teacher.

Daria:
[Both] Nocturnal emissions.

Jane Lane:
He doesn't know what it means, he's just memorised it.

[At medieval fair]

Upchuck:
Hey. Andrea. You like madrigals?

Andrea:
Don't touch me, you Howdy-Doody-looking creep.

Mr. O'Neill:
Now, why do you think it is that Tolstoy felt he had to make War and Peace so darned... unpleasant? Daria?

Daria:
So no one would pester him to do a sequel?

[a hysterically sobbing Stacy is forced onto their Ferris Wheel car]

Daria:
Wait, you can't do this.

Jane Lane:
We're human beings, damn it!

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I'm going to make you fit to go out in public again.

Sandi Griffin:
What?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Now that your cast is off, I'm here to help you lose weight.

Sandi Griffin:
Oh, Quinn, can't you see that it's too late? My life is over.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Sandi, you're not 30. Now let's get started.

[Quinn puts an aerobics tape into Sandi's VCR]

Aerobics Instructor:
[on tape] I know it's hard to believe, but I once weighed over a hundred pounds.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?

Stacy Rowe:
There is no meeting.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
How co...

Stacy Rowe:
How come? Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, but a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you [imitates Tiffany] stare... in the mirror... and talk... about yourself... [normal voice] and I, I, I quit!

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.

[Stacy shrieks and storms out]

Stacy Rowe:
So what's the first item of business, President Quinn? The best president ever!

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Long live the Quinn! Hey...!

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Brittany. Would you care to tell us some of the factors leading up to the Great Depression?

Brittany Taylor:
Um, when people realized they had no money they got really depressed?

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Brittany, explain something. Do you perhaps harbor a powerful phobia that it might actually hurt to think?

Brittany Taylor:
Um, I think that's pronounced "pheebia."

Quinn Morgendorffer:
[On the phone with Stacy] You can't let Gina into the Fashion Club. Her teeth are thick. Heidi? With the clogs?

[Daria orders an extraordinarily juicy hamburger from a hotel]

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Ewww. You're not going to eat that fat, are you?

Daria Morgendorffer:
No. I'm going to stick it in my boots, 'cuz I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes.

Trent:
Well, I have to go. Mystic Spiral has a practice at seven.

Jane:
It's nine.

Trent:
Oh... I'd better get going, then.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Say, honey... you don't think we should be worried about this stalker guy, do you?

Helen Morgendorffer:
Quinn says he's just a nice, young man who wants a date, and the rest of it's in her friend, Sandi's head... improbable as that sounds.

[in hotel room]

Jake Morgendorffer:
Look, Helen, a dimmer switch! [plays with switch]

Daria Morgendorffer:
THAT'LL make her forget the fire.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Do you think I complain too much?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
What are you bitching about now?

[Having been offered a visit to a private school]

Daria:
I already go to a school where the kids all think they're cooler than me. I want to go to a school where the kids all think they're smarter than me, too.

Quinn:
And why do they call them tennis bracelets, anyway? It sounds like some sort of sweat band, if you ask me. I'd call them wrist ornaments, doesn't that sound festive?

Jane:
Take... her... NOW.

Daria:
This story I've gotta hear.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
I don't like the idea of you staying here alone, anyway.

Quinn:
Why? I'm not afraid.

Daria:
Yeah. Why should you be afraid? Of mass murderers, serial killers, torturers, cannibals... puppy kickers?

Teacher:
Daria, what about your goal?

Daria:
Uhmmm. I don't have any.

Teacher:
Oh come, Daria! You must have some goal.

Daria:
My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate, because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Does this make me look fat?

Quinn:
No way!

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
[returns in a different outfit] Does this make me look fat?

Quinn:
...No.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
[returns in a another outfit] Does this make me look fat?

Quinn:
You're not freaking fat, okay?

Graham:
Why don't we see whether you get in to Grove Hills, before we start listening to your opinions?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Hey! Just because some jack made you feel like the loser you are, don't take it out on me.

Graham:
I'm not a loser! I have a 165 IQ.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Who cares? You're still boring and missurable. Try taking your head out of your butt for once, and open up your miopic little eyes, or doesn't your 165 IQ make you smart enough to see the way your really are?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
You realize your negative approach to everything is self-defeating, right?

Daria:
Well, it's nice to know there's someone I can defeat.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
I mean, you may spare yourself some pain by cutting everyone off, but you miss out on alot of good stuff too.

Daria:
Look Jodie, I'm too smart and too sensitive to live in a world like ours, at a time like this, with a sister like mine. Maybe I do miss out on stuff, but this attitude is what works for me now.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Then you'll understand what works for me now. At home, I'm Jodie - I can say and do whatever feels right. But at school I'm The Queen of the Negros, the perfect African-American teen, the role-model for all the other African-American teens at Lawndale. Oops! Where'd they go? Believe me: I'd like to be more like you.

Daria:
Well, I have to admit there are times when I'd like to be more like you.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Really?

Daria:
I'm not saying all the time.

Quinn:
I mean, he was really nice and cute and stuff, but he was only two inches taller than me. And my entire shoe-collection is based on the concept of dating guys three inches taller than me, or more.

[Brittany shows a picture Jane drew to Jodie]

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Rent a brain.

Brittany Taylor:
Hmph!

Jane:
[Quinn is at Jane's doorstep] What are *you* doing here?

Quinn:
Um, I need to use your phone.

Jane:
What's wrong with your phone?

Quinn:
Nothing. Can I spend the night?

Jane:
Are you kidding?

Quinn:
My mother says I can't stay home alone.

Jane:
I won't say a word. I'll even spring for the keg, but you have to pay for the dry cleaning.

Quinn:
It's too last-minute to throw a party.

Jane:
Then just talk on the phone all night. Ask your friends, if they could be a nail polish, what color they would be and why.

Quinn:
I'm sick of that game.

Jane:
You're afraid to go home.

Quinn:
I am not!

Jane:
Sorry, no vacancies. [tries to close door]

Quinn:
[pushes door open against Jane] All right, I'm afraid! There's mass serial puppy killers and stuff. Come on. Please?

Jane:
I'm going to regret this. [Lets Quinn in] Nevermind, I already do.

Daria:
Admit it. That felt good.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Well, a little. Okay, a lot.

Daria:
Busting on jerks like Graham is one of life's few pleasures. You should try it more often.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Oh, shut up.

Daria:
Um... good start.

Quinn:
Don't worry, I'll take good care of the house while you're gone.

Daria:
You mean like last time, when you had that keg party and Jeffy threw up in Mom's closet?

Quinn:
He did not! It was Jerome.

Brittany Taylor:
[Daria is reading The Telltale Heart] The Telltale Heart? I LOVE romance novels!

Daria:
Yeah, nothing says "Be Mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.

Quinn:
I don't get abstract art. Who wants to look at a bunch of squiggly six-eyed people when you can get those really pretty cat paintings on the shopping network? Not that I would ever waste money on art.

Trent Lane:
Hey, Janey. You got any money?

Quinn:
Money? Are you going out? I wouldn't mind going out for a while. Of course, I don't know if I'd want to go out with someone dressed like that.

Trent Lane:
Uh, who are you?

Jane:
You remember Quinn, Daria's sister?

Trent Lane:
Oh, yeah. Daria's sister. Hey.

Quinn:
Excuse me, I have a name.

Trent Lane:
Right. Daria's sister.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?

Daria:
You don't have to answer that.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?

Daria:
Because it's classified as a sport.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Oh, sure. Kevin's great... [softly to Daria] at smashing beer cans with his head.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.

Daria:
For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.

Stacy:
Wow, a real life miracle.

Tiffany:
Like in that movie about the Bible.

Stacy:
If people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda either?

Tiffany:
Then how do they stay so thin?

Daria:
So now my once rational mother is telling me that I have to respect Quinn's beliefs.

Jane:
Well I suppose the earth *could* be flat.

Quinn:
If I hadn't got up that minute, that thing would have hit my head.

Daria:
Or something vital.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
All right, why did the soothsayer tell Caesar to beware the Ides of March? Who wants to take a stab? [he laughs at his pun, the class doesn't] Kevin?

Kevin Thompson:
Uh, because the Ides were going to do something mean to him?

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
The Ides aren't people, they're a time of the month.

Kevin Thompson:
Ewww, gross! Well, there's your answer!

Daria:
[Quinn is watching TV] Quinn, you're watching an educational program.

Quinn:
Eh, what's the difference? My angel is gone.

Daria:
Maybe he's just stuck in the engine of a jumbo jet.

Mack:
When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you?

Kevin:
Sometimes.

[Mack and Kevin are spotted by a man at a jewlery stand]

Salesman:
Hey, fellas, just want you to know we welcome same-sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business.

[Helen is drunk at Erin's wedding]

Jake Morgendorffer:
Helen, um, you're being kind of loud.

Helen Morgendorffer:
Oh, no! We don't want a *scene*, do we? We don't want to spoil the *lovely* wedding that *lovely* Mother spent so much *lovely* money on.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a phase?

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now.

Jane Lane:
[Daria is trying on bridesmaid dresses] [In Southern accent] Oh Scarlett, you grow lovelier by the day!

Daria Morgendorffer:
I will kill you. And bury your body in this dress.

Daria Morgendorffer:
[the Morgendorffers are approaching the wedding hotel] Redrum! Redrum!

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Hmm. I thought when I hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place at these things.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You feel out of place?

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
You didn't notice my sisters are so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that. I mean, you're kind of...

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Cool?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Um...

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the teenagers.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Thank you for respecting it.

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the color commentary. Then, one day, I found myself all grown up with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's B.S. Ever.

Daria Morgendorffer:
So it actually worked out pretty well.

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal. [puts on round glasses similar to Daria's] But, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Daria Morgendorffer:
[smirks] Nah.

Daria Morgendorffer:
[Brittany and Jodie see Daria and Jane in the wedding dress store] Daria?

Brittany Taylor, Daria Morgendorffer:
What are you doing here?

Jane Lane:
Isn't is obvious? An Arab sheik's in town to buy a few more wives.

Brittany Taylor:
They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling!

Daria Morgendorffer:
A bridal expo? That's a good message to send to high school students.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
It's a fundraiser for extracurricular activities.

Jane Lane:
I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding...

Brittany Taylor:
What about you? Are you in a play or something?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yes, I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln before she went crazy.

Brittany Taylor:
I didn't know she went crazy!

Jane Lane:
Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.

Brittany Taylor:
Wow...!

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Come on, Brittany. Let's finish out fitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.

Brittany Taylor:
You mean the bullet didn't kill him...?

Mack:
Hey, what's the matter?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
This whole thing is starting to get to me. I mean, Daria had a point. Why should high school kids be thinking about marriage? If I see one more sweet, dopey girl stuck with a lame-brain idiot...

Kevin, Brittany Taylor:
Hi!

Daria Morgendorffer:
I don't think you've thought this through. What do you do with the hostages one you get to the airport?

Jane Lane:
They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya.

Helen Morgendorffer:
[On the front porch, Daria and Jane can hear Helen on the phone] Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Ah, you'd better take a hike.

Jane Lane:
Why?

Daria Morgendorffer:
My mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty.

Jane Lane:
Gotcha. Later, huh?

Daria Morgendorffer:
That remains to be seen.

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
[Amy is giving her car keys to the valet] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.

Aunt Rita Barksdale:
Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.

Aunt Rita Barksdale:
Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?

Helen Morgendorffer:
Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.

Aunt Rita Barksdale:
Oh. Sorry Paul. How do you do?

Paul:
Who's Roger?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
He fell onto a cow.

Paul:
Ick!

Daria Morgendorffer:
And he was one of the lucky ones.

Helen Morgendorffer:
Girls!

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria. [Daria smiles]

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Okay. What was she?

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
A tightly wound pain in the ass.

Daria Morgendorffer:
New topic?

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
You name it.

Aunt Rita Barksdale:
[Rita and Helen are both drunk and crying] I love you, Helen!

Helen Morgendorffer:
I love you too, Rita! [Helen takes a long sip from a wine bottle]

Jake Morgendorffer:
I don't know why you didn't let me bring my golf clubs.

Helen Morgendorffer:
Jake, we're here to see my family, not to have fun.

Erin's Bridesmaid:
You must be Erin's cousins.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I am, but Daria's her... [speaks quietly] cousin.

Erin's Bridesmaid:
What?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Never mind.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I'm an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dance in front of strange men.

Luhrman:
She's really very good.

Quinn:
Daria, have you seen my new Teenage Superstars magazine?

Daria:
I couldn't help myself. I plastered my walls with its hot sexy pin-ups.

Quinn:
I'll ask Mom.

[Quinn exits. Helen enters]

Helen:
Daria, have you seen your father?

Daria:
Did you look under the Teenage Superstars magazine?

Helen:
I'll ask Quinn.

Lester Gupty:
How can we ever repay you?

Daria:
I hear uncut diamonds are as good as cash on the open market.

Lawndale Mascot:
My head's too big.

Daria:
That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.

Ms. Angela Li:
Ms. Morgendorffer, where do you think you're going?

Daria:
Slowly insane. But I need to pop in at home first.

[after unmasking the Lawndale Mascot]

Daria:
I can't believe it. It's Mr. O'Neill.

Tom Sloane:
And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling kids.

Tad Gupty:
You're a mean, old witch!

Sandi Griffin:
I am not old!

Daria Morgendorffer:
Look, I'm sorry about last night.

Jane Lane:
Aw, forget it. It was a rare opportunity, getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You're sure that wasn't her brain?

Jane Lane:
No, there was too much of it.

Brittany Taylor:
Jane?

Jane Lane:
Brittany? What happened to your hair?

Brittany Taylor:
Never mind that now. Have you seen... [whispers] Daria?

Jane Lane:
Why would you want... Daria?

Brittany Taylor:
What makes you think I want her? I don't want her.

Jane Lane:
You asked me if I'd seen her.

Brittany Taylor:
She hasn't told you anything... interesting about me, has she?

Jane Lane:
No one's ever told me anything interesting about you.

Brittany Taylor:
That's a relief.

Jane Lane:
Anyway, she'll be back in a day or two. She's in the hospital while they check out that ra... rare condition.

Brittany Taylor:
Condition?

Jane Lane:
Yeah, she's come down with a slight case of, um, brain fever. It's a thing that brains get.

Brittany Taylor:
Wow, that sounds serious.

Jane Lane:
No, no, usually if you just read a best-seller it'll go away. So, um, no need to mention it to anyone. I'll tell her you asked about her.

Brittany Taylor:
Just ask her if she remembers our deal.

Jane Lane:
What deal?

Jane Lane:
What deal?

Jane Lane:
The deal you just mentioned.

Brittany Taylor:
I didn't say anything about a deal. Forget I said anything about a deal.

Jane Lane:
Forget I said anything about a hospital.

Brittany Taylor:
Okay!

Jane Lane:
Hey! Now we have a deal.

Brittany Taylor:
What deal?

Jane Lane:
Later.

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
Death wore velvety green. Homicidal house plants, next on Sick, Sad World.

Brittany Taylor:
[Brittany goes to visit Daria in the hospital] Daria?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Brittany? What are you doing here?

Brittany Taylor:
Um, I just wanted to thank you for not going back on our deal, and I thought I might find Jane here and tell her I did kind of go back on our deal, but I also kind of went back on your part of our deal so there's no use in you doing that.

Jane Lane:
We had a deal?

Daria:
Welcome to "It's a Nutty Nutty Nutty World." We're just nuts about nuts.

Helen:
[reads over Daria's Career Aptitude Test] A mortician?

Daria:
Hey, it wasn't my fault. Neck model was already taken.

Helen:
[reads over test] "Your lack in interest of personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead."

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
[Reading from a sheet] You too... can learn... to make...

Daria:
[prompting] Yes?

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
...friends. Making... friends... is...

Daria:
[taps foot impatiently] Fun? Interesting? Impossible?

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
...important. Friends can be... very...

[clock ticks from 3:
00 to 3:01]

Daria:
Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
You made me lose my place. [Grunts softly in frustration] Let's see... Making friends... is... important...

Helen:
"Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead." Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans?

Daria Morgendorffer:
I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket.

Helen:
I can't believe you're not more ambitious.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You want me to kill people to drum up business?

Helen:
Daria, did you take a career aptitude test?

Daria:
I don't remember.

Helen:
So I have to call the school to get your results?

Daria:
If you so choose.

Helen:
Or maybe I'll just drop by in person, bring you a surprise snack for your lunch box, pop into class, and give it you myself.

Daria:
Alright, alright, that's check and mate.

Radio DJ on Loudspeaker:
Hey everyone, are you ready to rave?

Jane:
What the hell was that? An Ice Cream Truck?

Daria:
If it is, it better be some damn good Ice Cream.

[In the Lawndale H.S. parking lot]

Bing(Radio DJ):
[in ref. to Upchuck] Okay, Charles. The first girl out here in our audience to agree to a date with you is going to get a free "Mental In The Morning" bumper sticker.

Spatula Man(Radio DJ's Partner):
What do you say, ladies?

[Crowd of girls boo and go "eew"]

Jane:
A date for a bumper sticker?

Jodie:
Even Upchuck doesn't deserve this much humiliation.

Daria:
Imagine how the bumper sticker must feel.

Sandi:
Tiffany, dear, would you please explain to this Spatula man why a bumper-sticker cannot possibly compensate for the shame and permanent reputation damage involved in a single date with Charles Ruttheimer?

Tiffany:
Upchuck? Eewww.

Sandi:
Well done.

[Quinn is practising to be a surgeon by playing Operation]

Quinn:
Darn it! I thought this surgery thing would be a lot easier.

Daria:
Don't worry. When you operate on real people, their noses don't light up.

Daria:
[phone rings] Hello? No Quinn is busy right now studying... stu-dy-ing... no this isn't a prank call, you called *me*.

Daria:
Between Dad and the party van, life's become a living hell at home and at school.

Jane:
Don't worry, the van will move on soon. Or be destroyed in a mysterious bombing, I have decided yet.

Daria:
There's no place left for me to hide.

Jane:
Well, you could always dive into a wooded thicket.

[Daria stares at her]

Jane:
Hey, it works for bunnies.

Jane:
So Grandma Morgendorffer just left?

Daria:
She realized she was causing more harm than good.

Jane:
Did you help her in her realization?

Daria:
I may have had a hand in her epiphany.

Jane:
I hope you washed it thoroughly.

Jane:
Why Daria, are you becoming an optimist?

Daria:
Hmmm, I dunno. Hold up your glass.

[she does]

Daria:
Nope, still half empty.

Ms. Angela Li:
Whoo-hoo!

[Daria and Jane shriek]

Ms. Angela Li:
This is so exciting! Imagine, real-life celebrities broadcasting all week live from Lawndale High.

Daria:
They're not celebrities.

Jane:
They're deejays.

Ms. Angela Li:
Wacky deejays! And their hilarious antics will soon silence those naysayers who would have us believe that Lawndale High is a place of gloom.

Jane:
Of course, getting rid of the hidden cameras and the bomb-sniffing dogs would accomplish the same goal.

Ms. Angela Li:
You girls should be thanking me for caring so much about student morale.

Daria:
I don't suppose the school would be receiving a large fee from the radio station for participating in this stunt?

Ms. Angela Li:
Ms. Morgendorffer, those bomb-sniffing dogs have to eat! [Exits]

Quinn:
[Daria walks in on Quinn reading a book on heart surgery] Ugh! This is SO frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book?

Daria:
"Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty." Maybe you should start off with something easier; many coloring books feature hearts - and rainbows.

Daria Morgendorffer:
A few days ago, my father had a heart attack, forcing me to admit his mortality to myself for the first time. Accepting this grim new knowledge has been especially difficult as I've been under constant yammering assault by two utterly brainless and talentless so-called radio personalities. And so, for these reasons, I, Daria Morgendorfer, am mental in the morning.

[after Jake's heart attack]

Daria Morgendorffer:
So, my grandmother Ruth will be staying with us while my dad recovers.

Jane:
Is this the grandmother who said she'd give you 100 bucks if you changed your hair?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Both my grandmothers said that.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Hey.

Jane Lane:
Hey.

Daria Morgendorffer:
What are you doing here?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Those really good friends of mine - they totally blew me off. I figured you guys might be here.

Jane Lane:
Well, pull up a bench. We'll order another pie.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
No, I'll just get a slice. I'm only going to stay a minute.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Wanna borrow my stopwatch?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Hey, Daria, if you want me to leave, just say so.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Okay, bye now.

Jane Lane:
Hey, come on, Daria. I thought we were going to see a movie.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
What movie?

Daria Morgendorffer:
It's called "The Big Chick Movie That Appeals Only to Girls and Makes Men and Boys Vomit."

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Hey, Daria, did I say I wanted to go to the movie with you?

Daria Morgendorffer:
No, but you never mentioned wanting to horn in on our pizza time, either.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Daria, you're so darn pleasant and friendly, I don't see how anyone could resist an evening with you. But just on a crazy whim, I think I'll go home and watch TV by myself.

Trent Lane:
Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.

Daria Morgendorffer:
How do you know? You don't wear a watch.

Trent Lane:
I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.

Trent Lane:
Sorry again about, you know... everything.

Daria Morgendorffer:
That's okay.

Trent Lane:
All right then, Daria. See you around. [Trent kisses Daria on the cheek and leaves]

Daria Morgendorffer:
See ya.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
[Helen, Jake and Quinn are all offscreen, leaving the house] Meeting!

Jake Morgendorffer:
Golf!

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Date!

Daria Morgendorffer:
Sarcasm!

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Look, I'd like to talk to you, okay?

Daria Morgendorffer:
So, talk.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Listen, you don't like me and that's fine. There's no reason you should.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I agree.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
But it would be really nice if you could try and get along with me a little. At least in front of Jane.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Why should I?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Because she's your best friend, and I really like her and want to get to know her.

Daria Morgendorffer:
So?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
So you hating me puts her in a very awkward position.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I don't hate you. I don't even know you. But I'm not going to sit by while you take my friend away.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I'm not taking your friend away. All she talks about is "Daria said this," "Daria did this," "listen to what Daria told this moron."

Daria Morgendorffer:
Don't bother with the flattery, Tom... I'm immune.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
I'm not flattering you, Daria. I don't care if you don't like me. I'm just saying you'd have to be pretty stupid to think anything or anybody is going to shake your friendship with Jane.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yeah, pretty stupid. Look, I may conceivably have been acting like a jerk toward you...

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
It's possible; don't worry about it.

Daria Morgendorffer:
But you and I are not friends.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Definitely not.

Daria Morgendorffer:
And even if we were friends, I still wouldn't ride in that car.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
That's just plain common sense.

Trent Lane:
We're Mystic Spyral. We'll be back for a second set.

Jesse Moreno:
This was the first set!

Trent Lane:
Uhh... yeah.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
You like convertibles?

Jane Lane:
Sofas?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Cars.

Jane Lane:
Why, you got one?

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane:
Umm... no. But the roof of my car IS rusting through.

Jane Lane:
Almost the same thing.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Thanks for the ride.

Trent Lane:
Thanks for coming to the gig. I gotta get back before Max and Nicholas kill each other.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yeah, you don't wanna miss that.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Is Trent up yet?

Jane Lane:
I heard something stirring in his room. I'm hoping it wasn't a family of raccoons.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You and Jane aren't really morning people, are you?

Trent Lane:
Hey, the night holds the key.

Daria Morgendorffer:
The key to what?

Trent Lane:
I don't know, Daria, it's early.

Jane Lane:
Trent bought a mini-keyboard and a composing program, and he's been up like every night screwing around with it.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Has he played you any of the music he's written?

Jane Lane:
Who said anything about writing music? He sampled the toilet flushing and created an all plumbing version of "Oh Susana".

Trent Lane:
The second set's just the stuff that's not good enough for the first. I wouldn't stay for it myself, if I weren't in the band.

Jane Lane:
Come on, Daria, Trent will love doing some computer music. It will satisfy the secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool, alternative exterior.

Woman on TV:
I didn't mean to hurt him.

Daria:
The knife just slipped. Sixty-seven times.

Jane:
Hey, look Daria. The fog's rolling in.

Daria:
Ew. That's not fog. That's methane.

Sandi:
Help. Whoa, I'm drowning.

Daria:
Stay there. I'll be right back.

[the school is having a casino night]

Mr. DeMartino:
Daria, take my chips.

Daria:
Excuse me?

Mr. DeMartino:
You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.

Jane:
You're not one of those "Young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?

Daria:
Thanks, Mr. DeMartino, but I can't. I've already reached my fun quota.

Mr. DeMartino:
Well, then, you take them, Jane. For being so...

Jane:
Yes?

Mr. DeMartino:
Angular.

Daria:
It appears the unthinkable has happened.

Quinn:
Tube tops are coming back?

Amanda Lane:
You know Jane, if you try to hold a butterfly in your hand, it will die. You must set it free and let it fly. If it comes back to you it was, truly yours. And if it doesn't, it never was.

Jane:
What if we tear off its precious little wings?

Jake Morgendorffer:
I just don't get it; if B.C. is a caveman, how can he celebrate Ash Wednesday?

[while reading comics]

Jake Morgendorffer:
Why don't they just put Marmaduke to sleep?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
[Jane jogs past Helen, who is power-walking] Jane!

Jane:
Oh, hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Didn't see you there.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
It's okay. Speed-walkers have thick skins. Jane, since you're staying with us and all, I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...

Jane:
Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Agreed. Drugs?

Jane:
Nope, unless you count TV.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Depressed?

Jane:
No, just realistic.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Sex? [Jane just looks at her] Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Say, uh, Jane... I know you're Daria's best friend and... well, she's so hard to talk to these days. I was wondering...

Jane:
Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. And, uh, talk your wife into finding a new speed-walking route.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Done! Age?

Jane:
17.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Uh... height?

Jane:
Five foot two.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Favorite color?

Jane, Jake Morgendorffer:
Black.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

Daria Morgendorffer:
[Daria, trying to imagine her future, comes home to an out-of-shape Trent] Trent, honey, I'm home!

Trent Lane:
Hey.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Good day?

Trent Lane:
Not much happened.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Don't worry, Trent. I'm sure Mystik Spiral is on the brink of success...

Trent Lane:
We really should change the name.

Daria Morgendorffer:
...and I don't mind working double shifts at the gene splicing lab until you make it.

Trent Lane:
Face it, Daria, we're never going to get our big break. I gotta get a real job. Um, I'll need some money to get my tattoo removed.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Honey, we have to save right now. Trent Junior needs glasses. Thick ones.

Trent Lane:
Don't you understand? Every time I look at this stupid tattoo, it reminds me how I've wasted my life. But I'm not giving up. I'm determined to lie here on the couch until things turn around.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Oh, Trent. Whatever happened to the man I married?

Trent Lane:
We never got married, remember? I overslept.

Jake Morgendorffer:
[the doorbell rings] Quinn, your date is here! [Trent's goth girlfriend, Monique, is at the door] Wow, I really *don't* know my kids!

Trent Lane:
Umm... there were some phone messages I almost forgot about. [Refers to writing on hand] Let's see... Penny's coming in from Costa Rica. Some kind of problem with a volcano, and dad's finished taking pictures of Celtic rock formations. He's on his way back to print.

Jane:
What's that written on your other hand?

Trent Lane:
..."Change name of Mystic Spyral to Something Something Explosion."

Wind Lane:
Who could that be? [opens door and sees Penny Lane] Sis!

Penny Lane:
Claudia threw you out.

Wind Lane:
Haha, yeah. But that was years ago. I think you mean Katie. [starts crying]

Wind Lane:
Hey, do I smell cookies baking?

Jane:
Not bloody likely.

Amanda Lane:
The kiln!

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
Is your toll collector wearing pants, a skirt, or nothing but a smile? Cold breeze on the interstate next, on Sick, Sad World!

Jane:
[Daria opens the door to see Jane with a suitcase and a paint easel] I'm not picky. The manger will be fine.

Trent Lane:
I'm sorry I broke the rules. We don't really have any rules at our house, right Janey?

Jane:
Well, there's that one about not building a fire in the rooms that don't have fire places.

Trent Lane:
You know, I once lived in a tent in the yard for 6 months, waiting for someone to invite me back in the house...

Wind Lane:
Some things can't be saved, like my marriage [Dissolves into tears] .

Penny Lane:
It's okay, Wind. It's for the best.

Wind Lane:
Really?

Penny Lane:
Believe me, you're MUCH better off.

Wind Lane:
What's that suppose to mean?

Summer Lane:
[Condescendingly] Yeah, what do YOU know about marriage?

Penny Lane:
Well, I can't say I've had as much experience as either of you in failing at it!

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Jake, do you ever worry that our children are becoming strangers to us?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Stranger than us? What's so strange about us?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
I try and try to keep the channels of communication open. What more can I do?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Look under the mattress for a diary? I mean... by accident, of course.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Honestly, Jake. Sometimes I wonder if you know even the most rudimentary facts about our girls. How old is Quinn?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Uh... 11... ish? That was a guesstimate.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Jake, what's my middle name?

Jake Morgendorffer:
[Long silence]... It's got a... K, right?

Trent Lane:
Has anyone seen Jane?

Vincent Lane:
She was just standing there a few minutes... uhh... days ago.

Trent:
Some people say that's what drove him to madness. Others say, you know, no.

[Jane finishing up the legend of the House of Bad Grades in Lawndale]

Jane:
Scoff if you will, but every person who lived in that house ended up working at the local burger place. What do you say to that?

Daria:
Scoff.

Sandi Griffin:
Is that Stacy with Upchuck?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
No Way... It must be that girl that looks like Stacy until she turns around.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Or that girl that looks like that girl...

Ken Edwards:
The only books worth reading are those written in the deep, passionate waters of life.

Stacy:
So, like "Jaws"?

[Upchuck peeks through the keyhole of Ms. Li's door]

Upchuck:
Ooh, I like what I'm seeing...

Jane:
Ms. Li changing her support hose again?

Daria:
That's another habit that'll lead to blindness, Upchuck.

Jane:
But in this case, you'll wish for it.

Daria:
A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet and stare them down.

Jane:
You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance.

Daria:
That's what I just said.

Jeffy:
What does "woe" mean?

Daria:
It's like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by "Antiques Roadshow".

Joey:
Whoa.

Daria:
See?

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
It's quite a web-*sight* when civil war buffs get *in* the buff. Www.gettysbare next on Sick Sad World!

[Mr. DeMartino and Ms. Li are both disheveled from a long teachers' strike negotiations]

Ms. Angela Li:
Don't think you can intimiate... intermolate... don't think you can scare me with your threat to picket naked!

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
You think I'm bluffing? This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night. I WANT to picket naked!

Ms. Angela Li:
All right! A two percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lounge.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
[tugs on collar] Boy! It's getting hot in here!

Ms. Angela Li:
Students of Lawndale High.

Jane Lane:
Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again?

Daria Morgendorffer:
No. Satan's voice is lower, and he has an English accent.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else?

Joey:
Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Hmm... Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.

Jeffy:
Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker! He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Romeo and Juliet.

[Quinn reveals the actual connection between herself and Daria]

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Besides, why *shouldn't* I act sisterly towards her? After all... she's my sister.

Sandi Griffin:
[gasps] Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!

Stacy:
Well, um, of *course* she is, Sandi! We knew that.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
We were just being polite about it.

Kevin:
All right. Field trip. Where we going, man?

Daria:
The field.

Kevin:
All right.

Daria:
We are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

[Daria's class is visiting the local mall]

Mrs. Bennett:
Now, we'll meet back here at quarter to three. Remember, area F, section moss, level 3. Got it? F moss 3.

Kevin:
I know a good way to remember that.

Mrs. Bennett:
You have a mnemonic device Kevin?

Kevin:
It's not a S&M thing Mrs. B, it's just a way to remember that.

Mrs. Bennett:
Well let's hear it.

Kevin:
Fmossthree. Fmossthree. Get it? Fmossthree. Or was it Fmosstwo?

Mrs. Bennett:
Everyone, write it down.

Daria:
It smells like... like...

Jane:
Teen spirit?

Kevin Thompson:
Mack-Daddy, did you hear what Mrs. B called the mall?

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie:
She said "organism". That's not the same as "orgasm". And stop calling me that, okay?

Jane:
I'd love to have hair like that woman who's molested by a kangaroo.

Daria:
Really? She looked so... Everyday.

Jane:
I mean after she was molested.

[Kevin can't stop singing "99 Bottles of Beer" on the bus, and Brittany is annoyed]

Brittany:
Babe? That's a really cute song and all, but do you think you could stop for a while?

Kevin:
Sorry, babe. We always sing that song on the team bus. It makes us fierce!

Brittany:
You're not on the team bus now. I'm not your teammate. I'm your girlfriend! We talked about the difference, remember?

Kevin:
Sorry...

Brittany:
Would you rather do what *we* do... with your teammates?

Kevin:
BLAH!

Brittany:
All right, then.

Quinn:
How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club?

Daria:
A traction pulley?

Quinn:
Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular...

Daria:
Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit!

Helen:
Sit down, dear. It was a joke.

Jake Morgendorffer:
[angrily] Oh! [Calm] Oh.

Daria:
If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says, "Imagine all the people, browsing in a mall." Isn't that weird?

Daria:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.

Mrs. Bennett:
What are you talking about, Daria?

Daria:
If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.

Mrs. Bennett:
But you're in an enclosed space now.

Daria:
Yes... and I'm really itchy?

Jane:
These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with puss. [the entire class acts revolted; Daria glares at Jane] Just trying to help!

[after a fight over a cheese log sample]

Mrs. Johansen:
You'll pay for this.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
I'm a teacher! *Try* to collect!

[laughs maniacally]

[Quinn is on the phone when she breaks a shoelace]

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Oh no, oh my God, oh no. Accessory emergency Stacy, I have to go. No Stacy it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay fine, it is you, bye! [Stacy can be heard crying as Quinn hangs up]

Jane Lane:
[sneaks up to Andrea] Caught ya!

Daria Morgendorffer:
[Andrea turns around] Andrea?

Andrea:
Well, you found me... Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick who's parents make her work at a crappy job in a stupid warehouse store. Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else...

Daria Morgendorffer:
...I just want a shoelace.

Jane Lane:
Besides, I don't think we can cut you up anymore than you just did.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Tom ate your Gummi Bears even though he knew you needed them for your statue? That *was* pretty inconsiderate.

Jane Lane:
Well, now that I think about it I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should have known!

Daria Morgendorffer:
Definitely. Especially since they were probably right there next to your paints. Unless he eats paint too.

Jane Lane:
Um... the Gummi Bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But they were in plain view of my statue! [pause] I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?

Daria Morgendorffer:
I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.

Daria:
[to Jane] You know that conscience I don't have? It got to me.

[Daria and Jane are working on a student film that's going nowhere]

Jane:
Andy Warhol filmed eight hours of a guy sleeping and people thought it was brilliant.

Daria:
Those people changed their minds after they got into the twelve step programs.

Helen:
I haven't seen you this amused since your sister fell at her dance recital.

Daria:
That was me.

Helen:
Oh. Well, I knew it was one of you girls laughing at one of you girls.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
[Mr. O'Neill is driving his car with Daria and Jane in back seat] Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of the times than the novel. Do you think this is because of its greater verisimilitude? Jane?

Jane:
I can't really hear you back here. Road noise. Plus, I don't know what verisimilitude means.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
What about you, Daria?

Daria:
Let's face it. Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria! Thank you for the suggestion!

Daria:
Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Is that my movie? Can I see?

Daria:
Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process.

Jane:
See, we're like artists, and this is how we express ourselves. You understand.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. [short laugh] Not that I would.

Daria:
Perish the thought.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.

Daria:
Or anything else.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, and suddenly I'm outside of myself, watching, and it's, like, "Who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars?" But then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff, and you're good at your little paintings.

Jane:
They are minuscule, aren't they?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but, you know, it's what I can do. [Quinn leaves the room]

Daria:
[Feeling guilty] Aw, hell.

Jane:
Yeah...

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
When these ballerinas work out at the bar, they work out at the bar! Tanked in a tutu when Sick, Sad World returns.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Thanks for driving us here, Aaron.

Zachary:
It's Zachary.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
That's what I said. But shopping is kind of a girl thing. Maybe you could meet us after or something.

Zachary:
But what will I do in the meantime?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I don't know. Do you have any shopping to do? Maybe there's someone special you want to get a present for.

Zachary:
Um, well, you're kind of special, Quinn.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Oh, Zachary, you don't have to get me a present. If you ask for Theresa in Junior 5 and tell her it's for Quinn, she'll help you out.

Daria:
[to Jane, who is supposed to be recording Quinn but instead the facial products at the mall] Did you get that? I hope you got that.

Jane:
Did you know pore refiner spelled backwards is renifer erop?

Daria:
[Snatches the camera from Jane] Give me that!

Daria:
[Daria is seated on her bed, reading from a script; the camera is on a tripod pointed at Jane] And then you open the window and say, "Life is a meaningless descent into the void." Then you jump, and on the way down you scream, "Now I understand, I understand everything."

Jane:
Can you get rid of the window part and give me something funny to say? And a poodle! I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle.

Daria:
Actors...

Quinn Morgendorffer:
[used as a hook phrase, for Daria and Jane's video project] By the way, which is my best side? I know they're both good.

[Daria has a nightmare about acting like Quinn. Dressed like her sister, she walks down the hallway, accompanied by three Janes. Each Jane has an outfit and a voice similar to a different Fashion Club member]

Daria:
I have the cutest little pores, don't I?

Jane #1:
You really do. Each one is like a tiny dimple.

Jane #2:
I wish I had pores like yours, Daria!

Daria:
"Pores Like Yours." That would be a great name for a pore conditioning exfoliant.

Jane #3:
God, Daria, how do you do it? Here we are, complimenting you on your perfect pores, and *you're* unselfishly thinking about how you can improve the pores of others.

Daria:
Duh! I guess when it rains, it pores!

[Daria and the Janes laugh. A shocked Daria wakes in her bedroom, gasping]

Jake Morgendorffer:
You just can't put a price on a moment like this, Daria, and once these years are gone, they're gone.

Daria:
Dad, it's 4:00 A.M. I just woke up from my worst nightmare: resembling my sister. You're reliving an instance of parental neglect from forty years ago. You call this parent/child bonding?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Works for me.

Brittany Taylor:
Kevvy, what's that A doing on your paper?

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Why Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.

Brittany Taylor:
Thanks!

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Forgive me my SUSPICIONS, but it's obvious that SOMEONE, Kevin, got a hold of the test BEFOREHAND, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMIED LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!

Daria Morgendorffer:
But who does he really suspect?

Jane Lane:
That Jimmy guy?

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
[to Kevin] Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?

Kevin Thompson:
But I don't know anything!

Daria Morgendorffer:
Can't accuse him of lying there.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Ms. Morgendorffer, where were you Monday afternoon?

Daria Morgendorffer:
After watching frustrated faculty members squander yet another day trying to teach the unteachable, I went home and studied so I won't wind up in a job that combines the stress level of a neurosurgeon with the pay scale of a video clerk.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Your transparent attempt to derail my line of questioning with sarcasm has been noted.

Kevin:
Hey, Daria's guy. Way to go, man.

Tom:
Excuse me?

Kevin:
You know... you did the wild walk, made a touchdown, signed the deed.

Daria:
Tonight's Babble Chat was hosted by Kevin Thompson.

Daria:
My hormones don't rage. Oh sure, they get mad sometimes, but then they just stop speaking to each other.

Jane:
Hmm. I sense a worrisome teen conspiracy afoot.

Jake:
I slave over a hot stove all day, and for what?

Daria:
It's to keep him off the streets, right?

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
Meet the fly-fishing pathologist who uses human organs as bait. A liver runs through it next on Sick Sad World!

Kevin:
Men are smarter 'cause men have more muscle mass in our heads.

Helen:
I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.

Daria:
Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.

Jodie:
What should we call our company?

Daria:
"Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?

[Daria is looking through a catalog of piercings]

Daria:
You spelled "uvula" wrong.

Axl(Body Piercer):
That's not uvula.

Daria:
I am not going to pierce my bellybutton. It never did anything to me.

Trent Lane:
Haven't you always wanted to get pierced?

Daria:
No. It just seems too much like getting tortured for the sake of some sub-cultures notion of beauty.

Daria:
I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.

Jane Lane:
You *didn't* take the ring out...?

Daria:
Just for the night! I couldn't stand the itching.

Jane Lane:
I've heard of fast healers, but this is ridiculous.

Daria:
Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my naval while I slept.

Jane Lane:
Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.

Jane:
And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state that would recognize the marriage as legal.

Quinn:
[On the phone with the Gupty's] She's Kidding Mrs. Gupty, my sister's a big kidder, HA HA Daria.

Daria:
Ha Ha Quinn.

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
They bake cookies by day, but the really heat up at night! G-String Grandmas, tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Quinn:
Gross!

Daria:
For once, we're in agreement.

Tad Gupty:
Can I exfoliate your skin?

Daria:
Quinn lets you do that?

Tad Gupty:
Quinn doesn't need it!

Daria:
Oh, look, there's been a last-minute change in the schedule. It's time to watch TV.

Tad Gupty:
But too much TV is bad for you.

Tricia Gupty:
It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.

Daria:
Well, that'll make three of us.

Tad Gupty:
Raisins are nature's candy.

Daria:
Then why do they have to cover them with chocolate to sell them at the movies?

Tricia Gupty:
Sugar is bad.

Tad Gupty:
Sugar rots your teeth.

Tricia Gupty:
Sugar makes you hyper.

Tad Gupty:
Hitler ate sugar.

Wizard Interviewer:
Ms. Morgendorffer, why do YOU deserve the Wizard Scholarship?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Whether or not I deserve anything is irrelevant, assuming you run your scholarship program the same way you run your company. Since the token women and minorities you hire rarely move up into upper-management, and since I wont give the answers you want to hear in the hopes of somehow bucking the odds, I guess you can just pass on me as if I were one of your female employees up for promotion.

Wizard Interviewer:
Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a bit of an attitude problem, are you trying to sabotage yourself?

Daria Morgendorffer:
I'm responding to your questions truthfully, so I guess the answer is "yes".

Daria Morgendorffer:
[In Scholarship interview, when asked of her personal weakness] My weakness is my inability to answer stock-questions with stock-answers.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Damn. I'll have to make my own breakfast.

[She pushes the toaster level down]

Daria Morgendorffer:
Now I'm too tired to eat.

Dr. Jean-Michel Millepieds:
Hello, Daria. I'm your one-on-one counselor. Are you playing a game?

Daria Morgendorffer:
No, just talking to the computer.

Dr. Jean-Michel Millepieds:
Do you always talk to your computer?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Only when the refrigerator's mad at me.

Dr. Jean-Michel Millepieds:
Daria, I was afraid you had some rather deep-seated problems, but I must say, you're remarkably well-adjusted, considering.

Daria Morgendorffer:
[Daria talking to her one-on-one counselor] Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard, which obscures her guilt about actually WANTING to work so hard. Dad's guilty about being less driven than mom, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way, so he hides behind a smoke-screen of cluelessness. Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor, 'cus she's afraid of looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. And I'm so defended that I actively work to make people dislike me, so I won't feel bad when they do. Can I go now?

Daria:
Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.

Quinn:
Thanks a lot! You're making me do my own homework!

Daria:
That IS a scary thought.

Daria:
Mom, if you're going to reminisce, I'll be forced to call Social Services.

Daria:
Only Quinn could turn having brains into a fad.

Jane:
You know how fads are. Today it's brains, tomorrow, pierced tongues. Then the next day, pierced brains.

Quinn:
Yeah, I might do writing for a career. It's not like real work or anything.

Sandi:
Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff?

Quinn:
And there are lots of opportunities. Like, did you know they pay money for those poems in greeting cards?

Stacy Rowe:
Oh no! I've been giving away my poems for free!

Daria:
[Daria puts her head in her locker] Do me a favor.

Jane:
Yeah?

Daria:
Close my locker.

Jeffy:
[reading Quinn's poem] The greasy fry / It cannot lie / Its truth is written / On your thighs.

Joey:
Wow. That's amazing.

Jamie:
Genius.

Quinn:
I know.

[Daria and Jane overhear the commotion]

Daria:
Hold it, I think I feel a poem coming on.

[belches]

Daria:
Sorry, false alarm.

[Daria sees Quinn dressed in all black]

Daria:
Did a mime crawl in here and die?

Quinn:
I'm putting together an outfit. For your information, this is how deep people dress.

Daria:
Yeah, deeply affected people.

Daria:
For your purposes, "existential" means pseudo-intellectual poser with accessories from the Street Fair.

Quinn:
Does this black match?

Daria:
Matches my mood.

Sandi:
You're officially ordered to take a fashion sabbatical until you get your priorities straight.

Quinn:
So I wrote a stupid essay. What's everyone making such a big deal about?

Jane:
Well you know, condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited. Ask Pavlov.

Quinn:
The custodian?

Jane:
Never mind. Return to your world and I'll return to mine.

Brittany Taylor:
Why do you have to study during study hall, anyway?

Kevin Thompson:
Babe, I've got a plan.

Brittany Taylor:
I'll bet you do, you high-school Casablanca.

Daria:
You must be very excited about what people are calling you.

Quinn:
What?

Jane:
Brains Morgendorffer.

Quinn:
Come on, because of one little essay?

Daria:
It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future. [Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]

Quinn:
Ew!

Jane:
Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.

Quinn:
What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!

Daria:
Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
Could a renegade surgeon transplant your brain while you sleep? The frightening truth next, on Sick, Sad World!

Daria Morgendorffer:
[Talking to Jane about Mr. O'Neill's suggesting that Quinn tutor Daria on her writing] I should've said I don't need tutoring to write like her, just some big crayons.

Jane Lane:
By the way, anything eating away at your soul?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Her writing is BAD. Don't people know the difference between good and bad?

Jane Lane:
She's cute, there are different standards for cute people.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You mean no standards.

Jane Lane:
Condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited, ask Pavlov.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
The custodian?

Jane Lane:
Whoa. Never mind. Return to your world, and I'll return to mine.

Daria Morgendorffer:
The thing is, if she's a brain, what do I get to be?

Jane Lane:
You're still a brain.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yeah, but she's a brain with bouncy hair; I can't compete.

Sandi Griffin:
I'm concerned about Quinn; We need someone close to her to make her see the error of her ways.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
But who?

Sandi Griffin:
I have a plan, We'll talk to that girl she knows.

Stacy Rowe:
You're so smart, Sandi.

Sandi Griffin:
And you'll notice I don't make like a big thing about it.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
But that girl is so weird. She freaks me out.

Sandi Griffin:
That's why I'm the president of the Fashion Club. I'll handle her. [Walks up to Daria and stares at her] Uh... uh-umm... er... [walks away] .

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.

Helen Morgendorffer:
Now, Quinn, I really think...

Jake Morgendorffer:
[Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Thanks, dad.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Wait, isn't that a double standard?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Huh?

Daria Morgendorffer:
You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.

Daria Morgendorffer:
But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?

Helen Morgendorffer:
Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?

Jake Morgendorffer:
I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Hey!

Jake Morgendorffer:
And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.

Daria Morgendorffer:
But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?

Jake Morgendorffer:
...[Tosses his wallet to Helen] Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!

Trent:
We're thinking of changing our name. Do you think if we spelled Mystik Spiral with two y's it would be better?

Daria:
[thinking] And if I spelled my name D-a-r-y-a I'd be crowned Miss America.

Daria:
[Daria, offscreen, is trying to pee while in the bushes] Quit watching me, you squirrel pervert.

Trent:
Daria, do you ever feel like you are wasting your life?

Daria:
Only when I'm awake.

[Trent, Daria, Jane and Jesse get stuck in a traffic jam]

Trent:
This is just like that R.E.M. video, only you can't read everyone's thoughts.

[we see Daria and the caption "Thank God"]

Jane:
Why do I get so much fun out of this?

Daria:
Past life as a barnacle.

Quinn:
Can I have 29.95 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required!

Daria:
Good idea. You don't need any more holes in your head.

Helen:
[Quinn, at the dinner table, is showing her temporary tattoo] Quinn, what is that thing on your arm?

Quinn:
Don't worry, mom! It's fake.

Daria:
Aww, you got a tattoo to match your personality.

Quinn:
Hey, Mom, did you go to any festivals back in the sixties?

Helen:
Oh, sure. I did my share of partying.

Daria:
You mean you experimented with...

Helen:
No!

[Daria and Jane are listening to Trent play in the basement]

Daria:
Isn't that two guitars?

Jane:
Yeah. The other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral.

Daria:
Mystik Spiral?

Jane:
Trent's band.

Daria:
Sounds like one of those Doors cover bands that play brew pubs.

Jane:
Heh, they wish!

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Ugh, stretch pants. Everywhere, stretch pants.

Stacy Rowe:
Hey, these are stretch pants! I'm wearing stretch pants! [Begins hyperventilating]

Sandi Griffin:
They're leggings! They're leggings!

[Stacy calms down]

Sandi Griffin:
It's all right.

Helen:
Your father went to one of the most famous festivals of the decade.

Quinn:
Woodstock?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Altamont! Terrible tragedy, but I demanded my money back and I got it.

Daria:
Wasn't Altamont free?

Jake Morgendorffer:
That's the same line they tried to use on me.

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
Can monkeys surf the net... and corrupt our kids? Chimpanzee chat rooms, next on Sick, Sad World.

Jesse Moreno:
Oh, man. That was Curtis Stalano.

Jane:
Who?

Trent:
He graduated with us. Now he's working in a toll booth. Whoa.

Jesse Moreno:
You'd never catch me at a job like that.

Daria:
[Thinking to herself] Because it falls under the category of employment.

Trent:
Hey man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.

Daria:
[Thinking to herself] Still living over your parents' garage?

Jane:
[Loudly whispering] Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.

Jesse Moreno:
We've got a vision.

Trent:
Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.

Jesse Moreno:
Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.

Trent:
No way.

Jane:
'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. [pause] Well someone had to pick up the slack!

Daria:
Can you rig that glue gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.

Jane:
Well, you're not your usually sunny self.

Daria:
I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...

Jane:
And all in front of Trent.

Daria:
Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there. You go on to Alternapalooza; tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.

Jane:
Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.

Daria:
[sighs] Okay.

Jane:
Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt? [Daria glares at Jane] Kidding! It looks alternative.

Trent:
[Daria. returning from peeing in the bushes. climbs into the van and sits] Cool, Daria?

Daria:
Yeah. I'm ready for my abuse, Mr. DeMille.

Trent:
[cars begin slowly moving] Hey, looks like the traffic is letting up.

Daria:
[to Jane] They're... not going to make fun of me?

Jane:
For peeing in the woods? They're in a band, Daria. Those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.

Jesse Moreno:
[to Trent] That reminds me, you owe me a shirt.

Quinn:
Can I have $29.95 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required!

Daria Morgendorffer:
Good idea, you don't need any MORE holes in your head.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Can you rig that glue-gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.

Jane Lane:
Well, you're not your usual sunny self.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...

Jane Lane:
And all in front of Trent.

Daria Morgendorffer:
...Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there; you go on to Alternapalooza. Tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Damn computer. It ate everything. Big, fat, smug, damn stupid crappy piece of crappy crap.

Daria:
Uh, well... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and...

Helen Morgendorffer:
Oh. Um... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything, but we're really not and it changes everything, and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before adulthood's cares...

Daria:
It's not about sex.

Helen Morgendorffer:
Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see." But when you're ready, please feel free to come to me. Not that there's any hurry, nor should that statement be interpreted as some kind of encouragement.

Daria:
Right.

[Daria tries to repair a lover's quarrel at Tom's house]

Tom:
Hey... if you're not going to leave a flaming bag of dog crap on the doorstep, at least come in.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Well, can't resist an invitation like that.

Jane:
Am I missing something?

Ms. Morris:
The team needs you, and you need the team... IF you don't want to be here taking math again this summer.

Jane:
Gee, that almost sounds like blackmail. Fortunately, I can pull up my math grade on my own.

Ms. Morris:
Then I'll flunk you.

Jane:
Why don't I go to Ms. Li and expose this grade-changing arrangement?

Ms. Morris:
She already knows.

Jane:
Okay, then, back off or I'll tell the P.T.A.

Ms. Morris:
They know, too.

Jane:
Congress?

Ms. Morris:
You're beaten, Lane.

Jane:
How about if I call the three local TV stations and tell each one that the other two are running the story?

Ms. Morris:
Damn.

Daria:
If some guy named Knuckles calls, it's for me.

Daria:
Funny how all the drills for "Focus on Agility" month are the same ones you'd do if you were trying to sneak a cheerleader practice into regular gym class.

Jane:
Yes, and I don't intend to stand for it. They can have my squat-thrusts when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Daria:
What?

Jane:
I don't know.

Daria:
"Thin Thighs For Your Man." But I don't like men with thin thighs.

Daria:
Jane. On a school team. That's pathetic. Hey, if she's the pathetic one, why am I talking to myself? And more importantly, why am I waiting for a reply?

Daria:
[Quinn is knocking on the door] Someone's knocking. Come in.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Hi, Daria, how's it going?

Daria:
Okay. Out with it.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I was thinking that you and I could... you know, do something together.

Daria:
All right, who are you, and where are you hiding Quinn?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
What? Can't a sister spend time with her...

Daria:
Cousin?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
All right, Mom is forcing me to hang out with you.

Daria:
Forcing?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I've got her gold card.

Daria:
Why didn't you say so? Give me the first cash advance and you can come with me to the library.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
The library? If anyone saw me there, I'd die.

Daria:
Okay, then, how about the mall? You know, where your friends hang out.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Alright, so I thought I was making a joke, but I was really humiliating you in front of this guy you like...

Jane Lane:
[Interrupts] Appreciate.

Daria Morgendorffer:
- This guy you appreciate, which was stupid and insensitive. So I'm an idiot and I'm sorry, okay?

Jane Lane:
Not so fast; How do I know this is a sincere apology and not a cheap ploy to get back on my good side?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Why does there have to be a difference?

Jane Lane:
I accept.

Ms. Morris:
Ladies. Why aren't you exercising with the rest of the class?

Jane Lane:
We are exercising.

Daria Morgendorffer:
We're exercising our right to abstain from cheerleader practice.

Ms. Morris:
That's not cheerleading, it's agility. Jane Lane, you're just like your sisters, aren't you?

Jane Lane:
We share certain chromosome pairs. Beyond that, I'm not supposed to say.

Ms. Morris:
You know what I mean. Can't be part of a group. Always have to be different. Your sister Penny never wanted to participate, either. I taught her a thing or two about the American competitive spirit.

Jane Lane:
You sure did. That's why she's spent the last ten years out of the country.

[Daria struggles to drive on a busy freeway]

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Tense?

Daria Morgendorffer:
No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
It's not that hard.

Daria Morgendorffer:
How would you know?

[tractor-trailer whizzed by blowing it's horn at her]

Daria Morgendorffer:
Dah! A giant truck!

Daria Morgendorffer:
[reading from Trent's song lyrics notebook] My heart is like an open wound / That reads the tea leavs of its doom [stops reading] What? [resumes reading] Soothe me with redemption's love / Like a heat-proof kitchen glove [stops reading] God I hope this is a first draft.

Daria Morgendorffer:
[Daria and Quinn are debating about picking up a hitchhiker] Mom and Dad would crucify us.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.

Daria Morgendorffer:
You mean I'm an accessory.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Whatever.

Stan:
[singing] I've been working on the railroad,

Trent Lane:
[singing] Every pointless day.

Stan:
[singing] I've been working on the railroad,

Trent Lane:
[singing] While my life gets pissed away.

Stan:
[singing] Can't you hear the whistle blowing,

Trent Lane:
[singing] Shattering my dreams in the morn.

Stan:
[singing] Can't you hear the captain shouting

Trent Lane:
[singing] "Wish I was never born!"

Quinn:
Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those yuppies.

Daria:
Yuppies are from the '80s.

Quinn:
So what do you call people with funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?

Daria:
Trekkies.

Jane Lane:
Why are you staring at my brother?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Selfless concern? I think he stopped breathing.

Jane Lane:
Nah, he's entering a dormant stage. In about 10 years he should emerge as a butterfly.

Daria Morgendorffer:
[while sorting vinyl records] Should I file this under self-indulgent posers, or under rated geniuses?

Trent Lane:
Vinyl has a richer tone.

Jane Lane:
You're tuned to the radio.

Trent Lane:
I wondered why Zappa was selling fish sticks.

Jake:
Do you have any idea how many rules you've broken?

Daria:
How many? And which ones?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Hey, Daria. What do you have in the DeMartino pool?

Daria:
I'm not going. I'm grounded.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
[Jodie, Mack and Kevin Laugh] What did *you* do to get grounded? No offense.

Daria:
None taken, especially since I'm just the victim of a bizarre experiment in parental justice.

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie:
An experiment? On you?

Daria:
Yeah, they deliberately exposed me to jurisprudence.

Kevin Thompson:
Whoa! That's a little twisted.

Daria:
Yeah. The sad part is that these are the people responsible for my genetic makeup. [Jodie and Mack laugh; Kevin looks frightened]

Jane Lane:
So, basically, you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth grounding.

Daria:
Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true.

Kevin Thompson:
Then she said her parents are trying to change her generic makeup or something!

Brittany Taylor:
They really should. I hate that generic makeup. It gives me hives!

Kevin Thompson:
But it's so freaky, babe, I mean, she's weird enough as it is.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game?

Daria:
Are you kidding?

Jane Lane:
We'll take two.

Daria:
What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
You weren't here last year, Daria.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
[flashback: Mr. DeMartino pushes puck along the floor, and is body-checked by Rock & Roll Randy] Argh! [clutches chest and collapses to floor]

Randy:
Rock and roll, foreva!

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Help... me... ! [Flashback ends]

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.

Jane Lane:
But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
[Cut to Mr. DeMartino on exercise equipment, suspended upside-down by his feet and doing sit-ups] Three hundred ninety-eight... three hundred ninety-nine... fooouuur hundred! Ahh... Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine. [cut ends]

Daria:
What are you saying?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash?

Daria:
I'm in.

Helen:
Are you girls ready for your day in court?

Quinn:
Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay my check to society and get on with my life.

Helen:
Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing. Then we'll punish you.

Daria:
But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic?

Helen:
Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.

Jake:
Jefferson!

Helen:
Stalin. It's all about fairness, girls. That's why your father will make a terrific judge.

Jake:
I get to be the judge? [Jake pushes a large armchair in front of the TV]

Daria:
Look, someone once said, "The most important thing in life is not to look like a geek." Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?

Jake:
That's it, Daria. All I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defense lawyer.

Daria:
A lawyer? Mom?

Helen:
Sorry, honey, I'm prosecuting. And if I do say so myself, you're going down.

Jake:
[Daria is playing the harmonica in her room; Jake enters] Yeah, hi, Daria. I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now.

Daria:
Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird.

Jake:
I'm sorry, honey. You go on and play.

Daria:
Thank you. [Jake exits; Daria goes to her door and plays even louder than before]

Jake:
Any final words before grounding official begins?

Quinn:
This sucks!

Helen:
What have I said about using that word?

Quinn:
That you'll ground me or something?

Helen:
Tonight we're going to set some boundaries, and we'd like your input.

Quinn:
Well, everybody knows that late curfews should go to people who can really use them; attractive and popular people with lots of friends.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Wow, who said that, Thomas Jefferson, or was it Barbie?

Daria Morgendorffer:
[while playing family court] Your honor, I plead guilty, and place my faith in your wisdom, your compassion, and your keen sense of fair-play.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Well said! Grounded for a month!

Daria Morgendorffer:
What? I wasn't even the one who stayed out late.

Helen:
We have to set boundaries, Daria. Nobody said the justice system would be fair.

Quinn:
Is this gonna take long? I'm suppose to be somewhere.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Oh, is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall?

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria.

Daria:
Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?

Daria:
[Inner monologue about a paintball trip] Somebody in movie once said, "Hell is the possibility of sanity." That's what this place fels like: Hell. I hate it already, and it's only been an hour. Some damn hour, Grandma.

Sandi Griffin:
No matter what happens we won't shoot at each other and mess up our outfits. [holds up fashion magazine and swears on it] If I fire at a fellow fashion club member, may I wear brown pants with an elastic waste for a whole week.

Quinn:
If I fire, I'll wear toe-pantyhoses. The shiny kind.

Stacy Rowe:
Stonewashed jeans!

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Glasses.

Daria:
I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint, anyway.

Brittany Taylor:
Excuse me, Ms. Barch? Since they can't see us very well because of the terrain, we can split up and they won't know where we are, then we can attack them from three sides, drive them out to the one side that they think is safe, and then set up an ambush so we can capture them all at once! Probably be a good idea to set up a secret observation post on the high ground so we can watch them without them seeing us. [Brittany's team mates stare at her, stunned by her knowledge of combat] What?

Ms. Janet Barch:
That's very good, Brittany.

Daria:
Mom, I think you've already demonstrated your involvement by pretending you're going out of town whenever Mr. O'Neill calls about school review meetings.

Helen:
That man is just so... creepy. I don't suppose they need volunteers for this...

Daria, Quinn:
No!

Helen:
Oh, darn.

Ms. Angela Li:
I'm glad to see you take such an interest in your daughters, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Helen:
Well, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself... with Jake.

Ms. Angela Li:
Of course, I like to think the school environment also plays a pivotal role.

Helen:
Absolutely. Although it would be nice if the students got a little more encouragement. Maybe a bright kid like Daria would have a better attitude. [Ms. Li laughs] Did I say something funny?

Ms. Angela Li:
With all due respect, I can't think of a prison that could create an attitude like your daughter's, much less a school. No, I always assumed that came from interaction with her parents, or lack of it.

Helen:
Oh, so you draw a distinction between prison and school. Because from what I've heard, you run the one pretty much like the other.

Ms. Angela Li:
I don't have to listen to this!

Helen:
No, you don't!

Ms. Angela Li:
And by the way, you look 50!

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Now, the object of the game is to shoot to kill.

Daria:
Excuse me. Isn't the object of the game to capture the enemy's flag?

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Whatever. Move out!

Ms. Janet Barch:
[Ms. Barch is repeatedly firing paintballs at an attacked Mr. DeMartino] I trusted you, dammit! Two decades of legal slavery, and still you throw it all away for a halter top and a pair of pumps!

Mr. Anthony DeMartino:
Madam, I believe you've got me confused with someone else! I'm not your ex-husband!

Ms. Janet Barch:
I know that, but he's not here!

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
What's that you're really stirring in your tea? Honey, or bee vomit? Animal secretions that make us say yum! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have the summer off.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
Excellent. And see, you learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
No, I learned that my parents would rather I drop dead from exhaustion than miss the opportunity to shred some bribe-taking congressman's incriminating phone bills.

Jane Lane:
[halfheartedly, trying out for the cheerleading squad] Cheer, cheer, cheer. Yell, yell, yell. Who cares who wins? We're all goin' to Hell.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Okay, where's your evil twin?

Jane Lane:
The aliens finished their experiments, and let me return in her place.

Daria Morgendorffer:
How was the probe?

Jane Lane:
Less intrusive this time.

Jane Lane:
So, what are you gonna fail at, giving a damn?

Daria Morgendorffer:
I could fail to see the merit of this assignment.

Jane Lane:
Or succeed in finding it a waste of time.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I just picked what I'm gonna fail at; getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.

Jane Lane:
Excellent.

Daria Morgendorffer:
This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn IS grounded, I still win.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
[about the outcome of the assignment he set for his students to fail at something] How about you Kevin?

Kevin Thompson:
I'm a crappy athlete. They threw me off the team.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
So you... succeeded at your assignment.

Kevin Thompson:
Succeeded? I lost the game!

Jane Lane:
Good thing he has that physics scholarship to fall back on.

[Tom sees Jane dressed "conventionally"]

Jane Lane:
Hey, fly-boy.

Tom Sloane:
Is that a teddy-bear backpack?

Jane Lane:
Uh-huh. Do you wanna test out my new lip gloss? It's kiwi flavored.

Tom Sloane:
Well, I guess if I kissed you at least my eyes would be closed.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.

Daria Morgendorffer:
[Daria and Jane enter class to see Britney crying hysterically] Let me guess; a teen movie star choked on his gum.

Jane Lane:
That, or the cafeteria ran out of bendy-straws again.

Ms. Claire Defoe:
Good work, Daria. Your cube is BURSTING out of the picture plane. You've really created the illusion of depth.

Daria:
I'm thinking of going into politics.

[In the cafeteria]

Brittany:
Thanks for helping me earlier in art. May be there's something I could teach you.

Daria:
Well, you could show me how to twirl hair around my little finger and look vacant.

[Twirling hair around her finger]

Brittany:
I don't know if that's something you can teach.

Jane:
Would you say sleeping with the guitar in your hands is practicing?

Trent:
As long as you don't drop it.

Jane:
Ready to go?

Daria:
I was ready to go before we got here.

[Daria and Quinn are walking to school]

Quinn:
Stop following me. You're following me.

Daria:
Quinn, we go to the same school.

Daria:
I've overcome with emotion.

Brittany:
Need a napkin?

Brittany:
Hey, even though I'm much more popular, we have some things in common.

Daria:
Breathing?

Charles 'Upchuck' Ruttheimer III:
[Driving Daria and Jane home from Brittany's party] To your left, the home of the town director of public works, built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, the future!

Party Guy 1:
Hey. Partying hard or hardly partying?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Hardly interested.

Party Guy 2:
So... where you girls been all our lives?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room, and we thought we would die here... alone. But now you've arrived, and our lives can truly begin.

Party Guy 2:
[to Guy 1] She likes you!

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. Dad and I would be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up.

Daria, Quinn:
NO!

[leaving a Party]

Quinn:
It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic?

Jane:
I think you mean ironic.

Daria:
She was right the first time.

Daria:
If you want to go, just make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway.

Jane:
[Takes Daria's glasses and puts them on] "Hi. I'm Daria. Go to hell." [Takes them off] It won't work; my face is too expressive.

Quinn:
Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Now, don't begrudge your sister a chance to expand her circle of friends.

Quinn:
Maybe now she'll have two.

Daria:
Touch?, Quinn.

Quinn:
And don't think you're confusing me with that French! You should ground her! Because... her room is a mess!

Daria:
If I go down for that one, I'm taking you with me.

Quinn:
Wait, here's something worse! I asked her to do my homework for me, and she made me pay! [Jake and Helen turn and stare at Quinn]... Nevermind.

Jeffy:
Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books?

Joey:
Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil?

Jamie White:
Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um... got anything else?

Quinn:
A hair scrunchie?

Jamie White:
Great!

Daria:
Careful. Don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie.

Daria:
[in the living room, Daria leans against the wall as other kids dance] It's the Soul Train. Beep beep! Get on board!

Quinn:
Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Joey:
You need some help?

Jeffy:
I'll go with you.

Quinn:
It's the *bathroom!*

Jane:
So, have fun?

Daria:
Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well, and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night.

[Daria is going through Jane's sketchbook]

Daria:
These are really good. I didn't know you studied life drawing.

Jane:
Yeah, last summer.

Daria:
You're really bursting out of the picture plane here.

Jane:
Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.

Ms. Janet Barch:
Kevin, Daria will be your lab partner.

Brittany Taylor:
[squeaks] What?

Ms. Janet Barch:
You two will design a maze, and condition Kevin - I mean, condition a mouse using positive or negative reinforcement.

Brittany Taylor:
[to Kevin] But babe, we've never been separated on a lab project before! What'll we do?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Pass?

Brittany Taylor:
If you think you're going to take Kevin away from me, you're wrong. Because he's my Kevin, and you're, you're a... a brain!

Daria Morgendorffer:
You know, Brittany, that was actually a very astute observation about the likelihood of my dating your boyfriend.

Jane Lane:
Or is it former boyfriend?

Brittany Taylor:
How can I compete against sisters? There's only one of me.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Maybe you can get your brother to wear a skirt.

Brittany Taylor:
My brother!

Brittany Taylor:
Ooh! Can you believe Daria's trying to take Kevin away from me?

Jodie Abigail Landon:
I can't believe *anyone* would try to take Kevin away from you.

Brittany Taylor:
Thanks! You're a friend! [Jodie sneers at Brittany]

Helen:
Quinn, how was your day?

Quinn:
It sucked! First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F"; like he would know! Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...

Helen:
Daria, *please* tell me about the project.

Daria Morgendorffer:
It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.

Helen:
Sounds super!

Daria Morgendorffer:
Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.

Helen:
Wow. That's fantastic! [Daria rolls her eyes]

Ms. Janet Barch:
And like a husband going home to his noble and self-sacrificing wife, the rat keeps returning to the food box. That is, the positive reinforcement. Huh, if only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! [repeatedly slams pointer on desk] Just! Like! That!

Daria Morgendorffer:
I wonder why he left.

Sick, Sad World Announcer:
It's 911 in the morning and 1-900 in the evening. The phone sex/E.M.S. dispatcher when Sick, Sad World returns.

Brittany Taylor:
Hi Joey, Jeffy, Jimmy!

Joey:
So, Daria, what are you doing tonight?

Daria Morgendorffer:
She just called you Jimmy.

Jamie White:
Whatever.

Ms. Janet Barch:
Now, before I divide the class into teams of two, who can give me another example of reinforcement? [Nobody in the class answers] Fine, class. Ignore me... just like he did! Kevin?

Kevin Thompson:
Uh...

Ms. Janet Barch:
Shut up, Kevin! Daria? Reinforcement?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Hmm... to make a child stop crying, a mother might say, "That's it! I'm sending you to El Paso to live with your real father." Whenever the child gets upset, the mother might wave an airline ticket in her face, or maybe even frame it on the wall by the clown picture. The ticket stops the girl from crying, or showing any emotion... ever.

Ms. Janet Barch:
Right, that's...

Daria Morgendorffer:
Years later, seeing an airplane or just hearing one fly overhead can unleash a Pandora's Box of repressed anger, shattering the grown child's fragile psyche and triggering a psychotic and possibly deadly episode.

Daria Morgendorffer:
In conclusion, this mouse - through no fault of my own, *Brittany* - was repeatedly abused by a ten-year-old boy. As a result, the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions also occur in humans. Take the mugging victim, beaten with nunchaku in an alleyway. As he, or she, recalls the attacker's face - his scraggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring - she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry.

Kevin Thompson:
Really?

Ms. Janet Barch:
Don't interrupt, hateful scum. Excellent job, Daria. You get an "A."

Kevin Thompson:
Alright!

Ms. Janet Barch:
Not you, you man. You get a "D."

Kevin Thompson:
Alright!

Kevin Thompson:
You know, Daria, I really liked hanging out at your house and working on the maze thing.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yeah, the week just flew by. It was like you were hardly there.

Kevin Thompson:
Thanks. Hey, Daria?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yes?

Kevin Thompson:
I'm having a big party Friday, and I want a lot of cool people there. Could you...

Daria Morgendorffer:
Yes?

Kevin Thompson:
...ask Quinn if she could make it?

Jane:
Come on, not even aliens would give the planet to the Fashion Club. You're getting paranoid.

Daria:
I'm not talking about aliens. But there's something out there. Something stupid.

[agents are looking for "different" people]

Jane:
Different, huh? What do you think I'll get if I turn you in?

Daria:
More quality time with Brittany and Kevin.

Jane:
Curse you different ones and your insidious logic.

Mr. O'Neill:
Have you been watching "The X-Files"? I know I have.

Daria:
And that's good.

Mr. O'Neill:
But you know what's interesting?

Jane:
Why do you encourage him?

Jane:
A lot of weirdness around here lately.

Daria:
Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end.

Jane:
You say that every day.

Daria:
Oh, yeah.

Helen:
Come on, Daria, something interesting must have happened yesterday.

Daria:
Nope.

Jake:
How about that friend of yours - what's new with her?

Daria:
Not much.

Helen:
What about the newspaper? Read anything interesting there lately?

Daria:
I did see an article by an efficiency expert who claims one really intense conversation with your child over breakfast is worth a whole week of unfocused parenting. Did you catch that article?

Jane:
Did we just see a U.F.O.?

Daria:
You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.

Jane:
But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.

Daria:
Come on. This is Lawndale.

Jane:
Oh, yeah.

Daria:
Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker.

Jane:
So you convinced your dad you're not a communist?

Daria:
Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
"Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club - A Val Magazine Special Photo Spread." What do you think?

Daria Morgendorffer:
I think the world's gone mad. Mad, I tell you.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
This is our chance to be the next international style center.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale.

[a teen magazine editor asks Daria for her definition of "Edgy"]

Daria Morgendorffer:
As far as I can make out, "edgy" occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged profiteers are looking to suck the energy - not to mention the spending money - out of the "youth culture." So they come up with this fake concept of seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan.

Val:
Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without?

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
We won, Daria. We won! [hugs Daria]

Daria Morgendorffer:
Lawsuit.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill:
Sorry! [lets go]

Daria Morgendorffer:
As far as I can make out, 'edgy' occurs when middle-brow, middle-age profiteers are looking to suck the energy, not to mention the spending money, out of the quote, unquote youth culture. So they come up with this big concept of seeming to be dangerous, when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan.

Val:
Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."

Val:
[Talking on the phone] How can I not appeal to their demographic? They are so WHACK. I AM their demographic! They wouldn't know edgy if it bit them in the butt! Oh, confirm my hair color appointment and facial for tomorrow, would ya? And work up a schedule for my girlfriend Dar's visit. Thanks for saving my life, helpmate! [Hangs up] I'm zonked. Collaborating is hard, don't you think?

Daria Morgendorffer:
How would I know?

Val:
Sorry about all those phone calls.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Oh, I just think of it as being a witness to history. Anyway, it isn't everyday your boyfriend dumps you for a starlet.

Val:
I was NOT dumped! And I am much more famous than that pathetic, B-list, pseudo celebrity! Not that the suits who control the airwaves would know. Sometimes I feel like the whole adult world is against youth culture.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Except the adults making a nice fat living off of it.

Val:
What do you mean?

Daria Morgendorffer:
What do YOU mean? What do you mean, pushing yourself as some kind of role-model when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough without you foisting your shallow values on them and making their lousy self images even worse?

Brittany:
So you're saying that feeling bad, about not feeling worse, is good.

Mr. O'Neill:
You probably think about the dark side all the time.

Daria:
The... dark side? Are we talking about "The Force"?

Jane:
I don't like it when I say people should die and then they do. I don't want that kind of responsibility. At least not until I've got a job in middle management.

[after meeting Tommy Sherman]

Jane:
I don't think he likes you.

Daria:
That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that jerk is going to be treated like a hero for the rest of this life.

Jane:
Well, maybe he won't live that long.

Daria:
Come on. You know wishes don't come true.

[a crash is heard off screen]

Kevin Thompson:
[Off screen] Oh, my God! The goal post fell! Tommy Sherman's dead! [Sobbing] He's dead!

Jane:
When they say "you're always unhappy Daria", what they mean is: "You think Daria, I can tell because you don't smile. Now this guy died and its making me think and that hurts my little head and makes me stop smiling. So tell me how you cope with thinking all the time Daria until I can get back to my normal vegetable state".

Daria:
Ok... so then why have you been why have you been avoiding me?

Jane:
Cause I've been trying not to think.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
So I called up Sandi, and Stacy, and Tiffany, and the Fashion Club is going to take up a collection to get safe new goal posts. Like, to honor the dead guy's memory.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Quinn, what a wonderful impulse. To make something positive come out of this devastating event.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Daria gave me that idea. She's really good at this tragic stuff.

Daria:
Thanks, but it was one of the safe new goal posts that fell on him.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Oh! Well, it's the thought that counts.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
And how do you feel, Daria?

Daria:
I feel great. How else could I feel? I'm the misery chick.

Mr. O'Neill:
"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." Just what is Lord Tennyson talking about? Brittany?

Brittany:
Um, love?

Mr. O'Neill:
Anyone else? Daria?

Daria:
Well, he's acknowledging that if something makes you feel good, like being in love, there must be a corresponding painful side, like losing a love, and that it's just a fact of life.

Mr. O'Neill:
Sad, but true.

Daria:
And what's intriguing about it is that no one calls Tennyson a big unhappiness freak just because he understands that.

Mr. O'Neill:
Is he a big unhappiness freak?

Daria:
No, he's a realist. He says, "Emotional involvement brings pleasure and extraordinary pain." Then he declares that it's better than feeling nothing at all.

Mr. O'Neill:
That is excellent, Daria.

Daria:
Of course, this was before the advent of community property laws.

Daria:
You tried to buy my influence with a date?

Quinn:
Well, that's how we do it in America, comrade.

Quinn:
[club pages have been cut from the yearbook] But you can't be serious about this!

Daria:
Listen, Ted has a point.

Quinn:
Aha! It's that boy! So it's about love, is it?

Daria:
It is not about love!

Quinn:
Alright, keep it your secret to cherish always, but just because you're going out -

Daria:
Ted and I are *not* going out!

Quinn:
Whatever! Just tell loverboy we want our yearbook back!

Daria:
Did you hear that? You just used the verb "want" with the noun "book."

Quinn:
Save the math games for your boyfriend.

Quinn:
Look, when you get thrown off a horse, you have to get back up and shoot it, right?

Daria:
I guess so.

Helen:
Who is Ted and why haven't you told us about him, and is he trying to get you to join a cult?

Daria:
Oh, brother.

Jake Morgendorffer:
He calls himself brother? You mean like Brother Ted?

Daria:
No, like, "Oh, brother, you're all crazy." Ted is a nice guy from yearbook. He's odd, but he's not in a cult. And for the last time, we are *not* going out! [Daria exits]

Helen:
She's obviously lying.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Absolutely.

Quinn:
No question.

Quinn:
Hey! Check it out! My web page just had 2500 hits in just the last three hours!

Daria:
Really? I can beat that.

Quinn:
You don't even have a web page.

Daria:
No, but I can hit.

Quinn:
[the door closes; sounds of Daria hitting Quinn are audible] Ow! Ow! Mom! Dad! Help!

Jane:
Run down the list of causes you volunteer for again?

Daria:
I protested that book burning last year.

Jane:
You yelled at the TV screen.

Kevin:
Darwin's the monkey guy, right? I like monkeys.

Mr. DeMartino:
A statement no doubt once also made by your mother.

Kevin:
No. She's more into kitties.

Brittany:
I love kitties.

Mr. DeMartino:
That's terrific, Brittany, and really adds an extra dimension to today's lesson.

Kevin:
You know what's cool about that Darwin guy? When Curious George gets in trouble, he always lets him slide.

Daria:
I wonder if this has anything to do with the full day of procrastinating we just put in?

Sandi Griffin:
They may be poor, but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.

Stacy Rowe:
Right.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler:
Totally.

Daria:
They may be shallow, but that doesn't mean they should be executed.

Jane:
Yes it does.

Daria:
Very well, I'm sold.

Helen:
Oh Lord, Rita, it's a new millennium. When will people get rid of these outmoded ideas about sex?

Helen:
[to Quinn] Where's your sister?

Quinn:
In her room.

Helen:
Is Tom with her?

Quinn:
Mom! I'm not J. Edgar Winter!

[the three J's just bought a self-published fashion magazine from Quinn]

Joey:
"An Ode to Aubergine?"

Jamie:
"A Good Pluck?"

Jeffy:
"Please Remember to Blush?"

Jane Lane:
There must be a lot going on in the boys' room that we don't know about.

Daria Morgendorffer:
And really, that's as it should be.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.

[Kevin and Brittany approach them]

Daria Morgendorffer:
Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.

Kevin Thompson:
Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?

Jane Lane:
Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.

Brittany Taylor:
Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?

Daria Morgendorffer:
How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Dammit! Why do they have to make the eye of the needle so darn small?

Daria Morgendorffer:
I guess to piss off the camel.

[Jane finds out the Morgendorffers are going camping]

Daria:
I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.

Jane:
I do envy you.

Daria:
Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain and you'll have to be destroyed.

[Jane and Trent are on a plane on their way to a family reunion which they are not at all thrilled about]

Jane:
Let's talk strategy. I don't wanna arrive without a plan.

Trent Lane:
Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don't leave it until we're unconscious.

Jane:
Good plan. But, first of all, they probably wouldn't serve me. Second, I don't want to pass out. And third, right before *you* pass out, you'll decide it's time to be *honest* with everyone.

Trent Lane:
Oh, yeah. Bad idea. Don't want to be honest with Aunt Ellie about her vacation pictures.

Jane:
[grimacing in disgust] Or Cousin Jimmy about his modeling career.

Trent Lane:
Or Aunt Bernice about her hats.

Jane:
Who's Aunt Bernice?

Trent Lane:
You know, from Middlebury? She wears those straw hats. Thinks they're country or something. They look like the kind they put on horses to keep the sun off their heads.

[Jane looks over to her left, at a scowling old woman sitting next to her, who happens to be Aunt Bernice - wearing a large straw hat like the ones Trent mentioned. Clearly she heard what Trent said about her]

Jane:
You say she's from Middlebury?

Trent Lane:
Yeah.

Jane:
So, we'd be flying out of the same airport.

Trent Lane:
Yeah, yeah, Janey. What's your point?

[Trent removes his sunglasses, and suddenly notices that Aunt Bernice is sitting near them, glaring at him]

Aunt Bernice:
[sourly] Hello, Trent.

Trent Lane:
[puts his sunglasses on] Um... hello, Aunt Bernice. I like your hat.

[Jane pats her forehead in an "ah, jeez" gesture. Aunt Bernice still looks annoyed]

Daria:
We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Yes.

Daria:
This is really scary, Quinn.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
But why did they go insane?

Daria:
Knowing Dad and his excellent woodland skills, I'd say it was the berries. Except...

Quinn Morgendorffer:
It couldn't have been the berries.

Daria:
That's what I think, because you ate the berries, too, and you seem okay.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
No, I meant because those weren't the glitter berries.

Daria:
Glitter berries?

[Quinn's pupils are now revealed to be dilated]

Quinn Morgendorffer:
You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite into them. *Those* are the ones that make you act weird. I mean, until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away.

Daria:
Uh-oh.

Daria:
[telling campfire stories at night] So the witch tore Hansel's arm off, popped it in her mouth, said, "Hey, pretty good," and within minutes had devoured the rest of his body, leaving only the lower intestine for fear of bacteria. [view switches to a close-up of Daria's face, the campfire illuminated in her glasses] Gretel she decided she wanted to hold onto for a while, so she crammed her into the freezer the best she could. [Quinn, Jake and Helen look nauseous and horrified]

Quinn Morgendorffer:
[telling campfire stories at night] So Cinderella said, "I can't go to the ball in these rags." And her fairy godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold. Big clunky silver and gold sequins, like you wouldn't wear to one of those seventies nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, instead she looked bloated...

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
Quinn, honey, are you *sure* this is a scary story?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Wait! I haven't gotten to the shoes yet!

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer:
[telling campfire stories at night] "You're a vampire?" she whispered to the pale stranger with the brooding eyes. She felt her bosom blush and heave with excitement. "You've come to take my blood!" "Your blood?" he laughed. "Oh, there's time enough to take your blood. Tonight I'm going to take your..." [Jake, scared, signals at Helen to end the story] "Take your pulse! To make sure that, you know, the blood will be there when I come back." [Daria and Quinn glare with boredom at Helen]

Jake Morgendorffer:
[telling campfire stories at night] Then, lying there in the darkness, the boy heard a tiny splashing sound. Psh! Psh! Like waves on a faraway shore. Except... the nearest ocean was a hundred miles away. The boy reached out for his sleeping father... but he was gone. Shaking with fear, the boy stumbled out of the rickety lean-to, and that's when he saw it: his father, sitting alone at the campfire. Alone... with a whole case of beer! Psh! Psh! [pantomimes gulping beer out of a can] The selfish old bastard was wasted again. [Daria and Quinn glare with boredom at Jake]

Daria:
Dammit! It's my turn to say Dammit!

[Daria and Quinn are in their tent. Only their eyes can be seen]

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Daria?

Daria:
Yes, Quinn?

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Do you feel weird sharing a tent?

Daria:
As long as it's with you and not a bear, I guess I'm okay with it.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
Remember when we were little and we shared a room?

Daria:
Yes, Quinn.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
I hated that.

Daria:
So did I.

Quinn Morgendorffer:
It's fun to reminisce, isn't it?

Daria:
You bet.

Jane:
Let me get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?

Daria:
I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.

Jane:
I *do* envy you.

Daria:
Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.

Jane:
Do you know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane family reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.

Daria:
Wow. I didn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.

Jane:
They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them all closer together. My parents are much too smart to fall for that trick.

Daria:
I thought so.

Jane:
So, they're sending me and Trent as their representatives.

Daria:
You know, a weekend in the woods is starting to look pretty good.

Jane:
A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look pretty good.

Jane:
[Daria and Jane are on the phone] Yo!

Daria:
What are you doing home?

Jane:
What are you?

Daria:
My family went crazy from eating psychotropic berries, so we were evacuated from the woods and they had their stomachs pumped.

Jane:
Wow, that's cool. My family was already crazy without any berries, so Trent and I evacuated ourselves to the airport in my aunt's rental car and flew the hell out of there.

Daria:
Oh. Well, anything else new?

Jane:
Nah. You?

Daria:
Nah.

Daria:
Okay. Remain calm. Family's gone mad. Must get them back to civilization, but no way to contact civilization because Mother made big deal about cutting off all communications. What to do? [Helen's cell phone rings in her backpack] Rely on Mother's hypocrisy to see us through this crisis.

Jake Morgendorffer:
[hiking, Jake and Daria hit a fork in the trail blocked with a 'DANGER' sign] Look at that, Daria, a fork in the trail. If you go one way, you can't go the other.

Daria Morgendorffer:
This is going to depress me, isn't it?

Jake Morgendorffer:
This way over here leads to an entry-level job. A little bit of money in your pocket. Soon, you're wearing a suit and tie every day like all the other faceless saps, living in a boring little house in a bland little town, and doing so well you're in debt up to your disappearing hair! That's where that trail leads, Daria!

Daria Morgendorffer:
I guess that other trail is the one that leads to personal and spiritual satisfaction. That's why they don't want you to take it.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Dammit, Daria! You're brilliant! [climbs over sign and walks down closed trail]

Daria Morgendorffer:
Wait! It was a joke? [sighs]

Daria:
So then Miss Li admits to doing this to pay for new bullet-proof skylights. The whole thing's enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good if you want to be a model. Eases the transition to bulimia.

Helen:
These people sound like opportunists feeding off the vanity of na?ve young people. I pity the kids who get sucked in by them, and I pity their poor parents.

Quinn:
Mom! Dad! Guess what: I've been accepted into a really exclusive modeling class.

Quinn:
[everybody silently looks at Quinn] What?

Helen:
I don't think you realize that modeling is an extremely competative activity...

Quinn:
[interrupts] So's dating. If you do it right.

Helen:
...In which your value as a human being is decided entirely on the basis of how you look.

Quinn:
When does the bad part come in?

Quinn:
You gotta let me do this, you always say I can be anything I wanna be!

Helen:
Yes. We do say that.

Daria:
That reminds me: May I become queen of Brazil?

Jane:
No really, what are you doing here?

Trent:
Y'know, I thought I'd check it out. Get used to being around fashion types.

Trent:
[Jane stares at Trent] Y'know, for the future.

Jane:
Trent, what are you talking about?

Trent:
You know, models. Musician. Models. Musician! [points at self]

Daria:
Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead by age 25?

Ms. Angela Li:
Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Jane:
And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless, while the rest of the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?

Ms. Angela Li:
Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.

Daria:
Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?

Ms. Angela Li:
That is really none of your business!

Daria:
But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.

Romonica:
All right, ladies. Now, when you stride down the runway, you're walking towards your car. You've spotted a headless corpse in it... and it's a brand new car!

Daria:
And a smelly old corpse.

Jane:
In a really bad outfit!

Claude:
Now, girls, you're little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to look sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it's kitty heaven.

Quinn:
That's so sad!

Stacy Rowe:
You really get the idea he's been there.

Jane:
[Jane and Daria are in the audience watching from afar] [laughs] Kitty heaven?

Daria:
How does he know they're not going to kitty hell?

Quinn:
I'm writing a poem about what a great model I'd be. I'm going to recite it for Claude and Romonica. [arises and clears throat] "A model's what I'd like to be / Looking good comes naturally / Da da da da, da da, me."

Daria:
That's it, send the other girls home.

Daria:
Maybe there's a go-go bar downtown that would like to come here and recruit lap dancers.

Jodie Abigail Landon:
Don't mention that idea to Brittany.

[Daria is complaining about the modeling class at the school]

Helen:
You really feel strongly about this.

Daria:
What do you mean?

Helen:
Well... You're talking to us.

[Daria bumps into someone she can't see, because she isn't wearing her glasses]

Upchuck:
Ow.

Daria:
Oh, uh, sorry, Upchuck.

Upchuck:
Sweet Daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse to get into my personal space. All you need do is ask.

Daria:
Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go.

[walks away]

Upchuck:
You'll be back. They all come back.

Jane:
Name two.

[walks away]

Upchuck:
[pause] I could.

Daria:
I almost killed a dog yesterday.

Jane:
Going to work your way up to humans slowly?

Brittany:
By the way, Daria, I just want you to know that I think it's really brave of you to get those contact lenses and admit that you care about the way you look, even just a little, because knowing that a brain can be worried about her looks makes me feel, um, I dunno, not so shallow or something. Like we're not that different, just human or whatever.

Daria:
Well, thank you Brittany. You're right. We are just human or whatever.

Daria:
Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I'm thinking of getting contact lenses.

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Uh-huh. Sounds good.

Daria:
It does?

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Why not?

Daria:
Well, isn't it kind of... vain?

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Do you have mirrors in your house, Daria?

Daria:
Yeah.

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Do you look in them before you go out?

Daria:
Yeah.

Aunt Amy Barksdale:
Well then, you're already going to hell, so you might as well get the lenses. You'll see the brimstone better.

Mr. O'Neill:
Kevin, I must say I'm mystified by your continuing inability to absorb ANYTHING from this class!

Jane:
So now what, eagle eye?

Daria:
Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.

Jane:
Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.

Daria:
I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back.

Jane:
Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?

Daria:
That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain.

Jane:
Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what?

Daria:
This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apart. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put them on and look in the mirror again, I think...

Jane:
Yeah?

Daria:
I think to myself, 'Never mind glasses. You can see things that other people can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses.'

Jane:
You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?

Daria:
No.

Jane:
And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks.

Daria:
Um, yeah.

Jane:
I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?

Daria:
Yeah.

Jane:
That's why I'm proud to be your friend.

Quinn:
So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all sharing my surgery. We're making a statement about solidarity.

Andrea:
Solidarity?

Quinn:
You know, sisterhood is powerful.

Andrea:
Aren't you even a *little* worried that there might be a Hell?

Jane:
Well, come on! Where are they?

Daria:
In here.

Jane:
Oh Daria, dont be shy, show me your b*obs. [Picks up fake boob and looks at it] Hmm. Why did I think this would be more interesting.

Dr. Shar:
It puts a frown on my face, and I don't like having a frown on my face.

Daria:
Maybe you could inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile

Daria:
[on the phone] So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for six thousand dollars.

Jane:
Miss Pert 'N Pretty? What can she possibly need for six G's, other than a new personality?

Daria:
Wait, there's more. Then she announces for twenty grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn.

Jane:
Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs six thousand dollars' worth of plastic surgery!

Ms. Angela Li:
[Voiceover on intercom] Ms. Barch, will you please send Daria Morgendorffer to the office? Her sister...

Quinn:
Cousin!

Ms. Angela Li:
- her "cousin" needs to see her.

Quinn:
I'm a mess, and it'll cost six thousand dollars to fix.

Daria:
You're not really going to take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.

Quinn:
You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.

Daria:
[Daria opens the box Dr. Shar gave her] Oh, yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations: For evaluational purposes only." She knew just what I needed: [Lifts object out of box] Practice b*obs.

Helen:
What was wrong with Brooke's old nose?

Quinn:
It wasn't cute. It had, like, an extra bone in it.

Daria:
Hey, it's almost time for dessert. Can we discuss liposuction now?

Daria:
Listen, Quinn...

Quinn:
You know, maybe I should get b*obs. I bet if I got some b*obs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.

Daria:
Quinn...

Quinn:
Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.

Daria:
Quinn...

Quinn:
I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?

Daria:
You don't need surgery, Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I every said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.

Quinn:
Why do I even bother talking to you?

Daria:
Can I see what she'd look like with eyebrow ridges and a large, sloping forehead?

Dr. Shar:
Alright, funny gal! Your turn.

Daria:
No. Thank you!

Dr. Shar:
Nothing to be afraid of.

Daria:
I'm not afraid.

Dr. Shar:
It'll be fun!

Daria:
I don't like fun!

Helen:
I just don't like the idea of you girls talking about cosmetic surgery. Maybe when you're older, and you're doing it for yourself, or there's a sound professional reason for it. I mean, you need to be presentable. Yes, it's a double standard, but women in business are judged on their looks, and there's no getting around that. But breast implants? I just don't know.

Quinn:
Right.

Helen:
I mean, when a woman is elected president, it won't be because she got breast implants.

Daria:
At least she'll have her people deny it.

Quinn:
[Quinn is looking into her mirror and pushing the tip of her nose up with a finger; she does this several times, with Daria looking on from the doorway, before we hear a loud "snap"] Ow!

Daria:
Wanna borrow my stapler?

Quinn:
Ugh! [Quinn stomps over and slams the door in Daria's face]

Daria Morgendorffer:
So first she tells Quin that she can fix her up for 6,000 dollars.

Jane Lane:
Miss pert-and-pretty? What could she possibly need for 6gs, other than a new personality?

Jane:
Hey, Daria, can I have your boots?

Daria:
Yeah, turn around. I'll give you one right now.

Helen:
You gloss over everything with a cynical joke and no one knows what you really believe in.

Daria:
A-ha. So my evil plan is working.

Jane:
Hey, Daria, can I read your story someday?

Daria:
No, but you can read the one where you run off with Kevin.

Jane:
WHAT?

Jane:
Well, what's your definition of true?

Daria:
Something that says something.

Jane:
What, anything?

Daria:
No, something, about something.

Jane:
Let me get this straight, you're telling me that you want to write something, not just anything, that says something about something.

Daria:
Right.

Jane:
Gee, who'd ever believe you having trouble communicating.

Helen:
So, Daria, how was your day at school?

Daria:
Hmm... lets see... Nobody talked to me again today, I wasn't invited to any parties for the weekend. So, all in all, another good day.

Helen:
[sighs] Oh, Daria.

Jake Morgendorffer:
Hey, kiddo! Guess you're wondering what old Dad is up to with the big stew pot!

Daria:
Guess again.

Jake Morgendorffer:
[flustered as usual, during a kitchen fire] What's the number for 9-1-1?

Jake Morgendorffer:
Helen! Helen! What's the number for 9-1-1?

Helen Morgendorffer:
Daria, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?

Daria Morgendorffer:
Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality?