Father Ted

Father Dougal:
I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!

Father Ted:
And how are we going to do that?

Father Dougal:
We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.

Father Ted:
Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.

Father Dougal:
Damn. So near, yet so far.

Father Jack Hackett:
Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

Father Ted:
Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!

Father Dougal:
No thanks, Ted!

Father Ted:
It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!

Father Ted:
What was that sermon about?

Father Dougal:
Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

Father Ted:
The way I feel now I could convert gays!

Father Ted:
You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.

Father Dougal:
God Ted, first America then space, what next?

Father Ted:
Heart of Gold that man, he'd do anything to you... for you.

Father Ted:
Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These [he points to some plastic cows on the table]

Father Ted:
are small, but those [pointing at some cows out of the window]

Father Ted:
are far away... Small, far away

[Dougal shakes his head in confusion]

Father Ted:
Ah forget it...

Father Dougal:
I don't believe in organized religion

[Tom has just robbed the local post office]

Father Ted:
Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?

Tom:
No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Father Ted:
Dougal, is there anything on your mind? [pause] Let me rephrase that...

Father Jack Hackett:
Chair! Curtains! Floor! Gobshite!

Father Jack Hackett:
Nan?

Father Ted:
No, Jack, Nun.

Father Jack Hackett:
Nun! Arrrggghhhh!

Eoin McLove:
Get away from me! I don't want to catch the menopause!

Father Ted:
Come on, Divorce Referendum!

Father Ted:
Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

Father Dougal:
Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.

Policeman:
Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.

Father Dougal:
Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken

Mrs Doyle:
You'll have some tea... are you sure you don't want any? Aw go on, you'll have some. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!

Father Ted:
That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

Father Dougal:
That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

Father Ted:
Never buy black socks from a normal shop. [Whispers to Dougal] They shaft you every time!

[Dougal looks worried]

[to his pet rabbit]

Father Dougal:
Come on, Sampras.

Father Ted:
What did you call him?

Father Dougal:
Sampras, like Pete Sampras.

Father Ted:
Why?

Father Dougal:
Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

Mrs Doyle:
Ah, look at him there with his hairy hands!

Father Dougal:
Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

Father Ted:
How long has Father Jack been living in there?

Father Dougal:
Uh, he started just a few days after you left.

Father Ted:
Maybe he's agoraphobic?

Father Dougal:
Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.

Father Dougal:
It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women.

[Dougal has named his pet rabbit Father Jack Hackett]

Father Ted:
No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name.

Father Dougal:
Ah, could we not call Jack something else?

Father Ted:
Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper! Flipper the Priest!

Father Jack Hackett:
Yes?

Father Ted:
Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

[Ted answers the phone]

Bishop Brennan:
Crilly, It's me.

Father Ted:
Oh Feck!

Bishop Brennan:
What?

Father Ted:
[in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.

[Ted hangs up]

Father Ted:
God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!

Father Dougal:
Oho! He won't like that!

Father Ted:
It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.

[phone rings, Ted picks it up]

Father Ted:
Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

Father Dougal:
Hello Len.

Bishop Brennan:
Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!

Father Dougal:
Oh right. Well done.

Father Ted:
That money was just resting in my account!

Father Ted:
No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.

Father Dougal:
Poor Father Nolan!

Father Ted:
Yes, he's very low at the moment.

Father Jack Hackett:
[looking for beer] Drink!

Father Ted:
You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe.

Father Jack Hackett:
Where?

[we see a cave above a sea - in the cave is all the beer]

Mrs Doyle:
There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.

Father Ted:
No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!

Mrs Doyle:
Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake! [holds up a cupcake]

Father Ted:
No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!

Father Ted:
WHAT?

Mrs Doyle:
Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted:
[in the department store] Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?

Father Dougal:
Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.

Father Ted:
Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?

Father Dougal:
Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine. [cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]

Father Jack Hackett:
I'm a happy camper!

[Mrs. Doyle rolls Father Jack into the room on his wheelchair. Father Jack sees nuns in the room]

Father Jack Hackett:
Nuns! Nuns! Reverse!

Father Ted:
It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.

Father Dougal:
I didn't see that one.

Father Ted:
Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.

Father Ted:
That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.

Father Jack Hackett:
[after Bishop Brennan asks how he is] Arsebiscuits!

Father Niall Haverty:
[shocked] How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately!

Father Jack Hackett:
[Father Ted squirms, as Father Jack sits up and puts his hands on his front like a rabbit, and in a rabbit-like voice] I'm... so... sooo... sorry.

[then nibbles like a rabbit]

Father Ted:
[to Mrs. Doyle] Now that's sarcasm.

Father Dougal:
Knock-knock, Ted.

Father Ted:
Who's there?

Father Dougal:
Father Dougal McGuire.

Father Ted:
Good night, Dougal.

Father Ted:
It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.

Father Dougal:
God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!

Father Ted:
No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

[Father Jack has sobered up and is remembering words. He sees Sister Assumpta]

Father Jack Hackett:
Nan!

Father Ted:
No, Father this is a nun.

Father Jack Hackett:
[Terrified] Nun!

[Runs out the window]

Father Ted:
[Waves] Bye, Father! [to Assumpta] He's just out for his walk

Father Dougal:
Next you're going to tell us you're Santa.

Father Ted:
No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.

Father Dougal:
The anti-Santa?

Father Ted:
Ah, it's nothing. Just went mad for a second, there.

Father Dougal:
Ted, I'm going mad.

Tarot Reader:
[Father Ted turns over a third "Death" card] This is really weird! There's only supposed to be one in each pack!

Eoin McLove:
I have no willy.

Father Jack Hackett:
[all sobered up] Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that Fecking Island!

Mrs. Doyle's Friend:
I swear I won't tell anyone, and if I do may I be struck down by every disease a middle-aged woman can get, which as you and I know is a hell of a lot of diseases.

Father Ted:
[slideshow] The Chinese. A grand bunch of lads.

Bishop:
[after a two-minute conversation with Dougal] It's all nonsense, isn't it?

Father Dougal:
What's going on?

Other Priest:
I think Ted has a plan.

Father Dougal:
No, I mean in general.

Father Ted Crilly:
Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?

Father Dougal:
Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.

Father Ted Crilly:
Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?

Father Dougal:
Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.

[Meanwhile, Jack is in a creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounding by children playing]

Father Dougal:
[about the Christmas tree lights] Gone, back, gone, back.

Mrs. Doyle:
Father Hank Tree. Father Hiroshima Twinkie. Father Stig Bubblecard. Father Johnny Helzapoppin. Father Luke Duke. Father Billy Furley. Father Chewy Louie. Father John Hoop. Father Harry Cakelinem. Father Rabulah Conundrum. Father Pee-wee Stairmaster. Father Tri-Peglips. Father Jemimah Ractoole. Father Jerry Twig. Father Spodo Komodo. Father Canabramalamer. Father Todd Unctious.

Father Todd Unctious:
Yes!

Father Ted Crilly:
You let Dougal do a funeral?

Father Ted Crilly:
[Cut to destroyed hearse]

Father Dougal:
TED! [wakes up Ted in bed]... would you like a peanut?

Father Ted Crilly:
I mean, what's it all about?

Father Dougal:
Oh there's not really a story Ted, it's just about football and stuff.

Father Ted Crilly:
Ah no Dougal I mean life.

Father Ted Crilly:
Y'know, when I woke up this morning and I looked in the mirror there was a middle-aged, grey-haired man staring back at me.

Father Dougal:
Who was that Ted?

Father Ted Crilly:
Me Dougal!

Father Dougal:
Ah. That would explain a lot.

Garda:
Now then Todd Unctious, if that is your real name...

Father Todd Unctious:
I already told you it wasn't.

Father Todd Unctious:
Well, here we are now, all the lads.

Father Dougal:
[about the Advent calendar] God, Ted, I can't wait to find out what's behind tomorrow's one. I-I bet it's a donkey or somethin'.

Father Ted Crilly:
Oh right so you've eh changed from your initial prediction. What was it again, Rudd Gullit sitting on a shed, was it?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Ready Ted? Let's do it!

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun.

[Scene jumps forward to some time later. Room is filled with smoke and there is a cigarette hanging out of a stressed out Ted's mouth]

Father Ted Crilly:
Just play the f***ing note!

Father Dougal McGuire:
The first one?

Father Ted Crilly:
No not the f***ing first one! The f***ing first one's already f***ing down! Just play the f***ing note you were f***ing playing earlier! I've been playing the f***ing first one! We have the f***ing first one!

Father Dougal McGuire:
So i'll just...

Father Ted Crilly:
Just play the f***ing note you where f***ing playing there! F***ing what you where just f***ing doing! Play the f***ing note!

Father Ted Crilly:
So what do you want to write about?

Father Dougal McGuire:
How about... a lovely horse?

[after playing "My Lovely Horse" to Father Jack and Mrs. Doyle]

Father Ted Crilly:
Well, what do you think, in general?

[Father Jack pulls out a rifle and shoots Ted's guitar]

Father Ted Crilly:
Right.

Father Dougal McGuire:
I've got Eurosong Fever, Ted. Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competution, I just can't wait! What time is it?

Father Ted Crilly:
Half past one.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Half-one! And the competitions on in...?

Father Ted Crilly:
May.

Father Dougal:
Ready Ted? Let's do it!

Father Ted:
Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun.

[some time later; Ted has smoked so many cigarettes the room is filled with smoke]

Father Ted:
Just play the f - king note!

Father Dougal:
The first one?

Father Ted:
[angry yelling] No not the f - king first one! The f - king first one's already f - king down! Just play the f - king note you were f - king playing earlier! I've been playing the f - king first one! We have the f - king first one!

Father Dougal McGuire:
How about "Take this lump of sugar, baby, you know you want it"?

Father Ted Crilly:
I think we want to steer clear of the whole area of being in love with the horse. Just that we want to be around it and have a good time.

[Tom has just robbed the Craggy Island Post Office]

Father Ted Crilly:
You're not up to your old tricks again, are you Tom?

Tom:
No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

[Mrs. Doyle rolls Father Jack into the living room on his wheelchair. He sees that there are nuns in the room]

Father Jack Hackett:
Nuns! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!

Mrs. Doyle:
It's a bit much for me, Father. "Feck this" and "Feck that"

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes, Mrs Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle:
"You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse then Feck. You know the one I mean.

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle

Mrs. Doyle:
"F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole" That was another one.

Father Ted Crilly:
I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle

Mrs. Doyle:
"Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.

Father Ted Crilly:
Is it Mrs Doyle?

Mrs. Doyle:
"You Bastard" "You Fecker" "You bollocks! Get your ballocks out of my face."

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.

Mrs. Doyle:
"Ride me sideways" was another one.

[after Ted's incredibly short mass]

Sr. Assumpta:
We might not be coming back next year. They say Father Clippit does a good long mass. Three hours he does, on a good night. Since his stroke. That's value for money!

Father Ted:
Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Sister Assumpta:
Hello Father!

Father Ted:
Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?

Father Dougal:
Er, no.

Father Ted:
She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!

[Dougal shakes his head]

Sister Assumpta:
And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

Father Ted:
Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?

[Dougal shakes his head some more]

Father Ted:
You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.

Father Dougal:
Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Mrs Doyle:
I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.

Father Ted:
Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.

Mrs Doyle:
You've never read any of her books, have you, father?

Father Ted:
Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.

Mrs Doyle:
Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!

Father Ted:
It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.

Father Ted:
[uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.

Father Ted:
[becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!

Father Ted:
I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!

Father Ted:
Is it, Mrs. Doyle?

[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]

Father Ted:
Anyway...

Mrs Doyle:
"You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.

Father Ted:
[finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.

Mrs Doyle:
[from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

[Ted is trying to explain that he isn't a racist, by buying drinks for Chinese men. He raises his glass]

Father Ted:
To China!

[everybody cheers]

Chinese man:
[raising his glass] To Craggy Island!

[everybody cheers]

Father Ted:
More drink!

[everybody cheers]

Bar tender:
I'm sorry, the bar's closed.

[everybody cheers]

Father Ted:
How about we all go back to my place for a drink?

[everybody cheers]

Father Dougal:
Wait, I need to go to the toilet first.

[everybody cheers]

Father Ted:
[trying to explain himself] I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists go round dressed in black telling people what to do, whereas priests... er... More drink!

Colm:
I hear your a racist now, Father? Should we all be racist now? What's the Church's position? I'm so busy down on the farm I won't have much time for the ol' racism.

Father Ted:
What?

Mrs. Carberry:
[wildly gesticulating] Good for you, Father! Good for you! Somebody finally had the guts to stand up and say it! They come over here, after our jobs and our women, fecking Greeks!

Colm:
It's not the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after!

Father Ted:
I'm not after the Chinese! I'm not a racist!

Mrs. Carberry:
I don't care so long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They're the ones who invented Gayness!

Father Ted Crilly:
Honestly Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?

Father Dougal McGuire:
You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike, I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills, but I could give it up! Any time I wanted!

Father Ted Crilly:
You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.

Father Dougal McGuire:
You're right Ted! I admit I've got a problem!

Mrs. Doyle:
They were a bit obsessed with the old... S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Father Jack Hackett:
Drink!

Father Ted Crilly:
You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe.

Father Jack Hackett:
Where?

[We see all of Father Jack's alchahol hidden in a cave on Craggy Island's coast]

Father Ted Crilly:
Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Sr. Assumpta:
Hello Father!

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Er, no.

Father Dougal McGuire:
She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!

[Dougal shakes his head]

Sr. Assumpta:
And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

Father Ted Crilly:
Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?

[Dougal shakes his head some more]

Father Ted Crilly:
You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Father Dougal McGuire:
God, I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

[Pointing at the various items he is naming]

Father Jack Hackett:
Chair... curtains... floor...

[Points at Ted]

Father Jack Hackett:
Gobshite!

Father Jack Hackett:
What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!

[Father Jack sobers up and looks at Dougal and Ted]

Father Jack Hackett:
Where are the other two?

Father Ted Crilly:
God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices Matty Hislop made.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Who?

Father Ted Crilly:
Matty Hislop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh, he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats. So instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Fair play to him.

Sergeant Deegan:
God, this reminds me of Vietnam.

Father Ted Crilly:
Were you in Vietnam, Sergeant?

Sergeant Deegan:
Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Wait a minute... you're Elvis as well!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Sorry Ted. I'm not very good at making decisions... or am I?

Father Dougal McGuire:
I've never met a celebrity before.

Father Ted Crilly:
You met the Pope.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Did I?

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes, do you not remember that time we were in Rome?

Father Dougal McGuire:
That was the Pope? That old fella living in the art gallery?

Father Ted Crilly:
The Vatican, Dougal! The Vatican!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Still, he's not a celebrity in the true sense of the word.

Father Ted Crilly:
He's God's representative on Earth, Dougal!

Father Dougal McGuire:
You'd think he'd be taller.

Father Ted Crilly:
You mean like a giant?

[after Henry Sellers jumps out the window]

Father Dougal McGuire:
It's true what they say, you should never meet your heroes, you'll only be disappointed.

Henry Sellers:
[incredibly drunk] Sack me? I made the BBC! [breaks down] I made it...

Father Dougal McGuire:
Father Stone's been in there a long time hasn't he? Do you think he's dead?

Father Ted Crilly:
Probably doing tests.

Father Dougal McGuire:
What sort of tests? General knowledge?

Father Ted Crilly:
God I hate hospitals.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Do you ever notice it's usually sick people who end up in hospitals?

[In the hospital waiting area]

Father Dougal McGuire:
Who would have thought being hit by lightening would land you in hospital?

Father Ted Crilly:
What? What are you talking about? Of course it can land you in hospital

Father Dougal McGuire:
Well it's not usually serious is it Ted. I mean, I was hit by lightening a few times and I never had to go to hospital.

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes Dougal, but you're different from most people. All that happened to you was that balloons kept sticking to you.

Father Ted Crilly:
Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Dougal McGuire:
How did you meet him in the first place?

Father Ted Crilly:
He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dougan, we were at a conference. Dougan came up and said "This is Father Stone" and ran out of the building.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?

Father Ted Crilly:
Oh, yes... what was it called...?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Out Of Africa, I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...

Father Ted Crilly:
I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Yes, Ted?

Father Ted Crilly:
No reason. I just have to stop you.

Father Dougal:
Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?

Father Ted:
Oh, yes... what was it called...?

Father Dougal:
"Out Of Africa", I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...

Father Ted:
I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.

Father Dougal:
Yes, Ted?

Father Ted:
No reason. I just have to stop you.

Father Dougal:
How did you meet him in the first place?

Father Ted:
He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dougan, we were at a conference. Dougan came up and said "This is Father Stone", and ran out of the building.

Mrs. Doyle:
Football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football... what you men see in it, I don't know. [scoffs] A load of men kicking a bit of leather around a field... [laughs] You men, the things you think are "great fun". Like going to the films, a load of men sitting around looking at films! And rollercoasters, a load of men in a rollercoaster going up and down on a big metal track! And sailing, a load of men in a big boat floating around in the sea! And shouting, a load of men going around shouting! And so forth.

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Dougal putting Mrs Doyle right about football] There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match against Rugged Island.

Father Ted Crilly:
More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it... I'm going to have to put him in goal.

Mrs. Doyle:
[hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understanding football for women"] Go on... my son.

Fr. Noel Furlong:
Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest!

Father Ted Crilly:
It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.

Father Dougal McGuire:
I didn't see that one.

Father Ted Crilly:
Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference

Father Fintan Fay:
[Father Ted is reading Michael Barrymore's autobiography] Ooh ooh! Aah aah! Ooh?

Father Ted Crilly:
No, there's no mention of it so far.

Fr. Buzz Cagney:
You know what I do with $400? I wipe my ass with it.

Father Ted:
Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

Father Ted:
I'm not Santa, infact I'm the opposite of Santa.

Father Dougal:
The anti-Santa!

Father Dougal:
[at the Airport] I think this is the greatest moment of my life!

Mrs. Doyle:
Me too!

Father Jack Hackett:
[shouts] Big bras!

Eugene:
Ah Father, that sermon today. [Ted looks smug] Frankly it bored the arse off me.

Father Ted:
Night, Dougal.

Father Dougal:
Night, Ted.

Fr. Buzz Cagney:
I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?

Father Ted:
Yeah, by the balls!

Fr. Buzz Cagney:
I was gonna say by the shoulders...

Mrs. Doyle:
I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!

Father Jack Hackett:
How did that gobshite get on the television?!

Father Ted Crilly:
So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Yes.

Father Ted Crilly:
You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Spider-Baby- It's got the body of a spider, and the mind of a baby.

Tom:
Father... I've killed a man.

Father Ted Crilly:
Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!

Father Ted Crilly:
Uh... Dougal... there's uh... some shaving cream there.

Father Dougal McGuire:
No, no, Ted, your grand.

Father Ted Crilly:
No... on you.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Oh... where exactly Ted?

Father Ted Crilly:
Just there, below your ear.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Here?

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes and there's... uh... there's a bit more...

Father Dougal McGuire:
Gone?

Father Ted Crilly:
No, there's still just a tiny... Dougal, its all over the place!

Father Dougal McGuire:
How on Earth did that get there?... I didn't even shave this morning!

[Talking to Dougal at Funland]

Father Ted Crilly:
You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Well erm, the cliffs were closed for the day.

Father Ted Crilly:
How can the cliffs be closed Dougal?

Father Dougal McGuire:
OK no, it wasn't that. They were gone

Father Ted Crilly:
Gone? The cliffs were gone. How could they just disappear?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Erosion.

[Pouring Jack a cup of tea]

Mrs. Doyle:
Now what do you say to a cup?

Father Jack Hackett:
Feck off, cup!

Mrs Doyle:
What would you say to a cup father?

[offers him a cup of tea]

Father Jack Hackett:
FECK OFF, CUP!

[Dougal is holding the front panel of a TV up to his face]

Father Jack Hackett:
What's that gobshite doing on the television?

Tom:
Father! I've killed a man.

Father Ted:
Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!

Tarot Reader:
[Father Ted has turned over three "Death" cards] This is really weird! There's only supposed to be one in every pack!

[Dougal sits in Jacks Chair and acts like him]

Father Dougal McGuire:
ooh Gimme lots of drink ooh Your a gobshite Ted ooh DRINK, FECK, AR...

[Ted Walks in and Dougal jumps]

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, do you really think you should be getting up to that sort of rubbish right now?

[about Father Jack]

Father Ted Crilly:
There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET.

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like "collect twelve crisp packs and become a priest"?

Father Ted:
What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...

Father Dougal:
A shower of bastards.

Father Ted:
There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET

Father Dougal McGuire:
That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes.

Father Ted Crilly:
Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?

Father Dougal McGuire:
I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!

Father Ted Crilly:
Good man!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Ah, no, wait a minute... now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God, I'm an awful idiot!

Mrs. Doyle:
There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.

Father Ted Crilly:
No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!

Mrs. Doyle:
Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!

[She holds up a cupcake]

Father Ted Crilly:
No, thanks, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle:
Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!

Father Ted Crilly:
WHAT?

Mrs. Doyle:
Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about? No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, what's so special about July the 19th?

Father Dougal McGuire:
I don't now Ted, ya big bollocks.

Father Ted:
Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?

Father Dougal:
I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!

Father Ted:
Good man!

Father Dougal:
Ah, no, wait a minute... now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!

Father Dougal:
[reading newspaper] Ted, you're not going to believe it! Clint Eastwood's been arrested for a crime he didn't - oh, wait, it's a film.

Father Ted Crilly:
Let's get some sleep. [lights turn off but it is still bright]

Father Ted Crilly:
It's morning. We must have talked all night. Still at least we've got a few hours before... [alarm clock goes off]

Father Ted Crilly:
Good thing I set a little early so we'll have time to get ready for... [door bell rings]

Father Ted Crilly:
[whines] Oh God!

Bishop Brennan:
What brings me here? Well I suppose the company. Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of the big pile of sludge? But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!

Father Ted Crilly:
[Ted worried about his upcoming forfeit] I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see... I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Bishop Brennan:
[Dougal mis-addressing Bishop Brennan] Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!

Father Dougal:
Oh right. [pause] Well done.

Father Fintan Stack:
[talking about the sports video] Youg boys running round in shorts. I bet you like that, don't you. [to father Michael] And you, only you're thinking of what they'd look like without the shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a huge smile on your face.

Father Billy Kerrigan:
I must say, I think you're a very rude man

Father Fintan Stack:
If you say that to me again... I'll put your head through the wall

Father Fintan Stack:
Bye girls. [pauses, then mutters] Pair o' wankers

Father Fintan Stack:
While you were out, I got the keys to your car and drove it into a big wall and if you don't like it, tough! I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, have you been drinking?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Yes Ted, I've been drinking like a mad eedjit! [Winks at Fr. Stack] I mean no, I haven't.

[to Father Rory and Father Ken]

Father Fintan Stack:
So long, girls!... Pair of wankers.

Father Fintan Stack:
I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted Crilly:
Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.

Father Fintan Stack:
I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Ted Crilly:
Come on, Divorce Referendum!

Father Ted Crilly:
Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

Father Ted Crilly:
What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...

Father Dougal McGuire:
A shower of bastards.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

Mrs. Doyle:
Ah, look at him there with his hairy hands!

Father Ted Crilly:
His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?

Father Dougal McGuire:
God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.

Father Ted Crilly:
Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Father Fintan Stack:
I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted:
Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.

Father Fintan Stack:
I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Dougal:
God, Ted, I've never met anyone like him anywhere. Who would he be like, Hitler or one of those mad fellas?

Father Ted:
Oh, worse than Hitler! You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning.

Father Ted Crilly:
Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding.

Father Fintan Stack:
[Smugly] Yes I am!

Father Rory Shanahan:
Well I have to say, I think you're a very rude man.

Father Fintan Stack:
[Still smug] If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

[Father Ted, Father Rory and Father Ken look uncomfortable and embarrassed. Door opens, sending beer cans everywhere. Dougal staggers in, he is drunk]

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, where did you go?

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Slurred] Ted! How are ya? [Lunges forward and hugs Ted, who pushes him away]

Father Ted Crilly:
[Shocked] Dougal, what the...

Father Dougal McGuire:
Guess what, Ted?

Father Ted Crilly:
What?

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Confused] What?

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, have you been drinking?

Father Dougal McGuire:
I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! [Puts his arm around Ted] No no, wait wait... [Winks at an amused Father Stack]... No, I haven't!

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Shaking Ted] Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. [Drunkenly unenthusiastic] We're all going to heaven lads, wahey.

Father Fintan Stack:
[Quietly amused] Perhaps I should explain. Your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

Father Ted Crilly:
[Outraged] Well, this is the last straw!

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Holding some car keys] I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... [Collapses, dropping the keys. Father Stack retrieves them]

Father Jack Hackett:
They lie in wait like wolves, the smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting, interminably waiting, and then...

Father Dougal McGuire:
[nodding] He's right, you know, Ted.

Eoin McLove:
[smelling the area around Fr. Jack's seat] I smell wee!

Patsy:
[At the end of their visit] Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."

Father Ted Crilly:
Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?

Eoin McLove:
I have no willy!

Father Ted Crilly:
We need something that will keep them away from the house, something to distract them... but what? [Ted and Dougal sit there thinking]

Father Dougal McGuire:
A diversion! That's what it's called, a diversion!

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Looking out the Window at the modest crowd of middle-aged women] I'm no good at judging the size of crowds but I'd say there's around seventeen million of them out there

Eoin McLove:
[Father Ted on Eoin's quiz show] Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the ?500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became Pope?

Father Ted Crilly:
[long pause across end credits] Jim?

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, is there anything on your mind?

[Dougal looks worried]

Father Ted Crilly:
Let me rephrase that.

Man at Picnic:
Fup off, you grasshole!

Father Dougal McGuire:
God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.

Father Ted Crilly:
No... no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

[Ted accidentally clinks two wine bottles together]

Father Jack Hackett:
DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
It's not drink, Father. It's just fizzy water.

Father Jack Hackett:
"Jacobs Creek Chardonnay 1991!"

Father Ted Crilly:
You can tell that just from the sound?

Mrs. Doyle:
Here are the sandwiches for the picnic, the rest are in the kitchen. I hope you enjoy them Father.

Father Ted Crilly:
I love a sandwich from time to time. It doesn't matter what flavour it is as long as it isn't egg, because you know how much I hate egg Mrs. Doyle. God even the smell of them brings me under a terrible rash. I tell you, I wouldn't even eat an egg sandwich if you paid me. The horrible stinking smelly things as I told you before. Remember me telling you earlier Mrs. Doyle any thing except egg and I wanted anything at all as long as it wasn't egg - they're egg aren't they, Mrs. Doyle?

Mrs. Doyle:
Yes.

Father Dougal McGuire:
[in his dreams, where Carol Vorderman is hosting Countdown in the nude] Keep your clothes on, Carol, I can't concentrate!

Father Ted Crilly:
He goes mad if I'm a minute late.

[Father Jack is reading a newspaper called "Drink"]

Father Ted Crilly:
Father Jack, your afternoon drink.

[Jack lowers his newspaper and is even more hairy than ever, with very long frizzy hair and a very long beard]

Father Ted Crilly:
You know you really should get a haircut. You don't want to go too far down that "Bob Geldolf" road.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Oh Ted, that's a baaaad road.

Father Ted Crilly:
It is indeed, Dougal. And once you've gone down it, there's no coming back, as Bob himself would tell you. Ha ha ha.

[Father Jack hits Ted on the head with his walking stick]

Father Ted Crilly:
Can't you have last year's winner do it?

Father Liam Deliverance:
No, she lost her title. She was in a fillum called "Stallion Farm". Apparently it was quite rude.

[last lines]

Father Dougal McGuire:
[after looking at a milk van] Those women were in the nip!

Father Ted Crilly:
[commenting on the babies at the competition Fathers Ted and Dougal judged] This sounds terrible to say but if you take... [denoting a respective picture] this baby's facial hair, this baby's moustache and this baby's sideboards, I think you'll get...I think you get Pat Mustard!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Are they copying his style?

Father Ted:
I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

Pat Mustard:
Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!

Father Ted:
Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.

Pat Mustard:
Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?

Father Ted:
Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

Father Jack Hackett:
I love my brick!

Mrs. Doyle:
Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.

Father Ted:
Now see here!

[Pat holds up a huge wrench]

Pat Mustard:
It won't fit in mine.

Pat Mustard:
And now to ride Mrs O'Reilly

Father Beeching:
Is there anything to be said for saying another mass?

Father Jack Hackett:
[Repeated line] That would be an ecumenical matter!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Bishops love sci-fi!

Father Dougal McGuire:
I don't believe in organized religion.

Bishop Facks:
So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?

Bishop Facks:
Uh-huh.

Father Dougal McGuire:
And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop Facks:
Yes.

Father Dougal McGuire:
And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop Facks:
Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Father Ted Crilly:
That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's so vague. No-one knows what it's really all about.

Father Ted Crilly:
Now Jack, today we're going to have a few elocution lessons.

Father Jack Hackett:
[tossing an empty bottle aside] DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
Now, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops are here.

Father Jack Hackett:
FECK!

Father Ted Crilly:
No, not that one either.

Father Jack Hackett:
GIRLS!

Father Ted Crilly:
Let's go back to "drink" for the time being.

Father Jack Hackett:
DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
Now, try to read the first word. [Ted indicates a blackboard, which reads "That would be an ecumenical matter" and "Yes"]

Father Jack Hackett:
DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
No... That.

Father Jack Hackett:
DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
THAT!

Father Jack Hackett:
DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
Come on now, Father... if you do it, there'll be a little drink in it for you.

Father Jack Hackett:
Drink?... Th... th... thaa... thaa... DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
Nearly, Father! You almost had it. Try again!

Father Jack Hackett:
Th... th... thAT! THAT!

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes! Now, come on, Father, let's keep it going! Would!

Father Jack Hackett:
wo... wo... wo... DRINK! [Ted punches the blackboard over in disgust]

Bishop Facks:
So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

Father Dougal:
Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?

Bishop Facks:
Uh-huh.

[nods]

Father Dougal:
And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop Facks:
Yes.

Father Dougal:
And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop Facks:
Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal:
Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Bishop Brennan:
He did kick me in the arse! [Runs out, knocking the Pope over]

Father Ted Crilly:
[after spotting Richard Wilson] You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.

Father Ted Crilly:
Should I?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.

Father Ted Crilly:
There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!

Father Dougal:
You know me Ted, the lights are on, but there's nobody home...

Father Ted Crilly:
6am. Great. Another six hours sleep.

Father Ted Crilly:
Your grace, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Len Brennan:
Nothing is your area Crilly, you do not have an area, unless it's a kind of a play area with sandcastles and buckets and spades.

Father Dougal:
Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?

Father Ted Crilly:
That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

[to Father Hernandez about Jack]

Father Ted Crilly:
He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.

Father Dougal:
Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.

Bishop Len Brennan:
Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery.

[Bishop Brennan is holding a poster for "The Passion of St. Tibulus" with photos of Ted, Dougal and Jack apparently endorsing the film]

Bishop Len Brennan:
There's you, there's Forrest Gump! And there's Father Jack actually watching the film!

[Ted and Dougal are holding up protest signs]

Father Ted Crilly:
Down with this sort of thing!

Father Dougal:
Careful Now!

Father Ted:
What's that your looking at, father?

Father Jack Hackett:
What?

Father Ted:
Is that a film?

Father Jack Hackett:
What?

Father Ted:
Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?

Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?

Father Ted:
Is that Flatliners you are watching?

Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?

Father Jose Fernandez:
Is Father Jack a little short of hearing?

Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?

Father Ted:
To be honest, he can hear quite well when he wants to. Watch this...

Father Ted:
Father Jack, would you like a brandy?

Father Jack Hackett:
Yes.

Bishop Brennan:
The amount of people's lives irreparably damaged!

Father Dougal:
They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan:
Nuns are people too!

[In their shop, John is trying to get past his wife, Mary, who is slicing vegetables]

John O'Leary:
Are you gonna stand there all day, ya fat oul' b*tch!

Mary O'Leary:
Don't talk to me like that, ya big pile of shite!

[He brushes past her roughly]

Mary O'Leary:
Ya ignorant prick!

John O'Leary:
You watch that mouth of yours!

Mary O'Leary:
I'll watch nothin'!

[She points the knife at him]

Mary O'Leary:
I'll stick this up your arse!

[Dougal walks in to the shop. Mary hides the knife behind her back]

Mary O'Leary:
Ah, Father!

[John and Mary smile ingratiatingly at Dougal, a perfect couple, once again]

Father Ted:
He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.

Father Dougal:
Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.

Bishop Brennan:
Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery.

Father Ted:
[about Reverend Green from Cluedo] Those Protestants, up to no good as usual.

Father Jack Hackett:
Hey,hey,hey you!

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes Father?

Father Jack Hackett:
Rats!

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes, Father; we can see them as well.

Father Jack Hackett:
Hairy Japanese Bastards!

Bishop Len Brennan:
And you have...?

Father Ted Crilly:
Ah, yes. The rope. I'd like to see him chew through this... Again.

Father Dougal McGuire:
C'mon Ted,think. Where's the last place you'd think I'd put them?

Father Ted Crilly:
Wwll, I suppose that the last place I'd think you'd put them would be... would actually be... Bishop Brennan's room. Dougal: Bingo! Think about it Ted- I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect to find them! In his own room- he'd never look there!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Bingo! Think about it Ted- I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect to find them! In his own room- he'd never look there!

Father Ted Crilly:
Well, we'll have to do it in shifts; get them out of the house and as far away as possible.

Father Dougal McGuire:
Why can't we just leave them here?

Father Ted Crilly:
Because, Dougal, my nerves are shot and I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

Bishop Len Brennan:
What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleepwalking" and "bollock naked"?

Bishop Len Brennan:
You address me by my proper title, ya little bollocks!

[Ted answers the phone]

Bishop Len Brennan:
Crilly, It's me.

Father Ted Crilly:
Oh feck!

Bishop Len Brennan:
What?

Father Ted Crilly:
Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.

[Ted hangs up]

Father Ted Crilly:
God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Oho! He won't like that!

Father Ted Crilly:
It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.

[the phone rings, Ted picks it up]

Bishop Len Brennan:
Crilly.

Father Ted Crilly:
Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

Bishop Len Brennan:
Shut up, Crilly, just shut up!

[When thinking of a name for Dougals rabbit]

Father Dougal McGuire:
I've got one. You see how he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place? Well why don't we call him Father Jack Haggit.

Father Ted Crilly:
[sarcastically] Perfect. 'Father Jack' it is.

Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?

Father Ted Crilly:
Oh nothing Father. Dougals just named his rabbit after you.

Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Are you alright 'Father Jack'?

Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?

Father Ted Crilly:
He's not talking to you. He's talking to the rabbit.

Father Jack Hackett:
WHAT?

Father Dougal McGuire:
I think 'Father Jack' needs a Drink.

Father Jack Hackett:
DRINK DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly:
Lets give him water.

Father Jack Hackett:
WATER? FECK!

Father Ted Crilly:
It's getting far to confusing.

Father Dougal McGuire:
I've gotten use to calling him 'Father Jack'. Cant we call Father Jack something else?

Father Ted Crilly:
Alright then 'Flipper', 'Flipper the priest'

Father Jack Hackett:
YES!

Bishop Len Brennan:
Um... Crilly what is this?

[Points to big pile of rabbit droppings on the floor]

Father Ted Crilly:
That's um... Caviar.

Bishop Len Brennan:
Caviar?

Father Ted Crilly:
Yes, well it's not everyday we have a bishop around, so we thought we'd get the Caviar out.

Bishop Len Brennan:
Right so what you've done is, you've spread some Caviar down there so i can get on my hands and eat it off the floor.

Father Ted Crilly:
...Yes

Father Dougal McGuire:
Oh wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Come on Sampras.

Father Ted Crilly:
What did you call him?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Sampras, like Pete Sampras.

Father Ted Crilly:
Why?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Well, you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

[Ted screams at the sight of all the rabbits]

Father Dougal McGuire:
What's wrong Ted?

Father Ted Crilly:
Rabbits!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Wher- oh wow.

Bishop Brennan:
What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleepwalking" and "bollock naked"?

Father Dougal McGuire:
Ted! Did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Len Brennan:
What did he say?

Father Ted Crilly:
Well er...

Bishop Len Brennan:
Did he call me Len again? [shouts downstairs] You address me by my proper title you little bollocks!

Father Dougal McGuire:
Sorry er... Father Len Brennan.

Father Austin Purcell:
I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards.

Father Austin Purcell:
What's your favorite humming noise?

Father Austin Purcell:
They put the extension on the extension, so the house is in a circle now!