Stargate SG-1

[repeated line]

Jack O'Neill:
Oh for crying out loud!

[repeated line]

Samantha Carter:
Holy Hannah!

Doctor:
Well, he's not human.

Jack O'Neill:
Ya think?

Sam Carter:
Think about it...

Teal'c:
If you once again try to harm me or one of my companions, my patience with you will expire.

Bra'tac:
Observe, and learn...

Jack O'Neill:
[when Bra'tac has finished knocking a few Jaffas] Not bad...

Jack O'Neill:
If we want to find out who's behind this, we have to do what the Asgard do.

Daniel:
You mean bluff?

Jack O'Neill:
Yep. We just need to do it without revealing what we know.

Daniel:
Which is nothing.

Jack O'Neill:
Right. But they don't know we know nothing.

Jack O'Neill:
Mmmmmm... Goa'uld TV.

Prior:
We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.

Cameron Mitchell:
No, you're dark-side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen. Unfortunately, the home office hasn't been quite upfront with you.

Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
Nice work on the metaphor.

Cameron Mitchell:
Thank you.

Teal'c:
Undomesticated equines could not drag me away.

Jack O'Neill:
It's what we do...

Samantha Carter:
Sir, I've been thinking...

Daniel:
They're getting something we want, we're getting something we want.

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Major Robert Thornbird:
I'm Major Robert Thornbird. And you are?

Jack O'Neill:
[coughs] Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.

Major Robert Thornbird:
Your dog tags say otherwise.

Jack O'Neill:
They're lying.

Major Robert Thornbird:
Our cameras saw some sort of weapon.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh, well it's hard to say.

Major Robert Thornbird:
Some sort of state secret?

Jack O'Neill:
No. Just difficult to pronounce.

[after some interrogating]

Jack O'Neill:
Alright, I'll be honest with ya, Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
So, we go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners.

Jack O'Neill:
How are you gonna do that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, I speak 23 different languages. Pick one.

Jack O'Neill:
It's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
From a galaxy far, far away.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
So what's the plan?

Jack O'Neill:
Find the stargate.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Find the stargate? That's-that's the plan?

Jack O'Neill:
Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?

Sergeant Bridges:
[subtitled "You Russian spies?"] Vy sovetskih shpionov?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[subtitled "No!"] Nyet.

Jack O'Neill:
Daniel?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
He just asked if we were Soviet spies, I just...

[Jack gives Daniel a pointed look]

Sergeant Bridges:
[to Jack] Come with me.

Jack O'Neill:
[gets up] Sure. You bet.

[Daniel turns around to face the bunk, pinching the bridge of his nose]

Jack O'Neill:
"Nyet"?

Michael:
Hi, I'm Micheal, what's your name?

Teal'c:
I am not at liberty to reveal my identity

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes?

Teal'c:
It allegedly performed well on DVD.

General George S. Hammond:
[as a puppet] Alright people, we created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne Mountain, so that we can use this thing. Anyone know how?

Douglas Anders:
Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said, "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinded critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all."

[in the Farscape sequence]

Vala Mal Doran:
[as Aeryn Sun] Call me fahrbot, but they're gonna have our mivonks on a platter if we don't Starburst the draz out of here.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[as Crichton] The cluster's been damaged. We're not goin' anywhere.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[as Chiana] Oh, dren.

Teal'c PI Announcer:
[as Ka D'Argo] Hezmana!

Vala Mal Doran:
[as Aeryn Sun] Frell.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[as Stark] Son of a hasmot!

Asgard:
[as Dominar Rygel XVI] Yotz!

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Never underestimate your audience. They're generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[re: the number of mission files] No, I'm pretty sure it's 1,263. Pretty sure I've read all the files recently.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Actually, you haven't read 30185.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
30185. What's that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We can't tell you.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
What do you mean, you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind. What is 30185?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
We were sworn to secrecy.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Why even mention it to me if you're not gonna tell me what it is?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Sorry.

Vala Mal Doran:
Can you tell me?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Oh yeah, we can tell you.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Well, it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Well that can't have anything to do with me. I wasn't born until a year later!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Actually, it was *nine months* before he was born.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[taken aback] What?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
You hafta remember, it was the sixties.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
C'mon. You have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Jack. O'Neill?

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you thought you weren't going to get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?

Vala Mal Doran:
[Giggles] Wait, are you saying that Jack O'Neill is...

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
-my daddy?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
It's all stating to make sense now, isn't it?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Oh, I'm being punk'd, aren't I?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Do you really think the best way to introduce the heroes of this story is to show them causing a massive catastrophe?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
That's... realistic.

Major General Jack O'Neill:
I can sneak around all I want, totally undetected. I give us the element of surprise. The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.

Teal'c:
I assume I am staring at you stoically.

Major General Jack O'Neill:
Not buying it, eh?

Teal'c:
No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.

Major General Jack O'Neill:
Oh, I get it. Good one.

Teal'c:
I can see right through you.

Major General Jack O'Neill:
Don't push it.

Martin Lloyd:
They can't leave! They haven't finished reading my script!

Major General Hank Landry:
That's funny, I thought it said "General" on my uniform.

[repeated line in the puppet sequence]

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
I feel so stupid.

Major General George Hammond:
The news must have come as a shock to them.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Ah, not really.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What Jack is trying to say is that if they were surprised, they'd never show it.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
They don't get excited in general, General. It's like an entire planet of accountants.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[after traveling to a world that looks exactly like Earth] Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you are.

Mollem:
Colonel, you seem pensive.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
No, I was just thinking.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Let me tell ya somthin', Carter. You wanna erase your mistakes, that's your business. My conscience is clear. I warned everybody. I threw up the red flag and everybody, including you, shut me down.

Major Samantha Carter:
I'm asking you to put that behind us.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that. Personally, I like things the way they are. No more savin' the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog.

[imitating a tour guide in what was once Stargate Command]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
...And we're walking.

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
Hi, Jack.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
You rat bastard!

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Take it easy.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I am *so* gonna kick your ass!

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
If you need me, I'm at the Accent Inn checked in under the name of Cassidy.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
David or Shaun?

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
Butch.

Major Samantha Carter:
[on phone with Daniel] Well, if the DHD could have prevented the problem, maybe the DHD can also fix it. Is there any chance you can get the Russians to give us their DHD?

[Daniel looks in at the negotiations]

Colonel Chekov:
This is impossible at the moment.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[to Sam] Not without giving back Alaska.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
I wish I didn't find you so attractive. I've always had a real weakness for dumb blondes.

Major Samantha Carter:
Go suck a lemon.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Very sexy. Very, very sexy.

[after the DHD explodes]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, that never happened in any of the simulations.

[O'Neill has been trapped on a planet whose gate has been buried]

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
You miss him.

Samantha Carter:
Yeah.

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
Is this a problem?

Samantha Carter:
No. No. Of course not.

[O'Neill is given a homemade brew and drinks it]

Paynan:
So what do ya think?

Jack O'Neill:
Absolute rot gut. More please.

Sam Carter:
When you ordered Colonel O'Neill to wait 5 minutes, you were really telling him to wait 6 hours, maybe more!

General George S. Hammond:
Captain, relativity gives me a headache!

Colonel Frank Cromwell:
[about Carter] Man, she's...

Jack O'Neill:
Way smarter than we are. I know.

Colonel Frank Cromwell:
Is that proper military terminology? What exactly does "funky" mean, Sergeant?

Jack O'Neill:
What's with the "worm" part?

Jack O'Neill:
Captain Carter, Colonel Cromwell. He's come to rescue us. But I wouldn't count on it.

Ba'al:
I am Ba'al.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
That's it? Just Ball? As in bocce?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I'm energy now.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
How's that workin' out for you?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Good actually. Very...

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Good.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Very good.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Okay. Show me your stuff. Bust me outta here.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I can't.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Why not?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I'm not allowed to interfere.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
You're interfering right now.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
No, I'm not.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yes, you are.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Jack, who are you talking to?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
A woman.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
There's nobody there.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Look who's talkin'.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Though a candle burns in my house, there is nobody home.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Teal'c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems?

Teal'c:
On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
And if that doesn't work?

Teal'c:
A weapon is required.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
Carter.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Sir?

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words. I need that report.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
I'm joking. I don't need the report.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Well, then why...

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
Because something's goin' on with you. You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me.

Teal'c:
Have I not conducted myself as a typical member of this community?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[nods] Mhm... No.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
That was alternate reality, this is alternate dimension. Hell, all I need is a good time travel adventure and I've scored the SG-1 trifecta.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
You know there is a fine line between crazy-brave and crazy-crazy my friend, and you are walking it.

Major General Hank Landry:
You better be sure about this Doctor, because if you make me disappear there won't be a dimension safe enough for you.

Jack O'Neill:
So, now what?

Teal'c:
I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-O.

Jack O'Neill:
Call Daniel.

Jack O'Neill:
We brought pizza and a movie.

Teal'c:
Star Wars.

Jack O'Neill:
He's seen it, what? Eight times?

Teal'c:
Nine.

Jack O'Neill:
Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be okay.

Major Samantha Carter:
You've never seen Star Wars?

Jack O'Neill:
Well, you know me and sci-fi.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I agree with Sam. We don't know enough about what happened on that planet, yet.

Colonel Frank Simmons:
Need I remind you, Dr. Jackson, of the dangers that we're trying to defend Earth against?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[sarcastic] Oh, uh, could you? I mean, go slow.

Major Samantha Carter:
You made it?

Orlin:
You wouldn't believe the things that you can make from the common, simple items lying around your planet. Which reminds me, you're going to need a new microwave.

Major Samantha Carter:
And you ordered the materials online?

Orlin:
Mostly. Sorry, but you're gonna have a pretty big credit card bill this month. Oh, and you're going to need a new toaster.

Major General Hank Landry:
[shouting] Walter!

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
[over the intercom] The files on your desk are the personnel folders you're about to request, sir.

Major General Hank Landry:
"About to request"? Walter, I'd appreciate it...

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
[over the intercom] You have to push the button to talk, sir.

Major General Hank Landry:
[sighs] Thank you, Walter.

Major General Hank Landry:
You heard the disconnected voice of the little sergeant with psychic powers.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
General O'Neill gave me the choice of any posting I wanted. I chose SG-1. That meant Colonel Carter, Teal'c and yourself, not two letters a dash and a number.

Major General Hank Landry:
A general's only as good as the people he commands.

Major General Jack O'Neill:
Who said that?

Major General Hank Landry:
I just did.

Vala Mal Doran:
I had to tell you in person... I'm pregnant. [Landry scoffs] Pretty sure it's yours, anyway. There's at least a one in-hmmm-ten chance. [winks at Cameron]

Vala Mal Doran:
I know nothing about your fair planet... other than it seems to have a rather interesting if somewhat limited gene pool. [looks at Daniel and Cameron]

[Mitchell is having trouble getting SG-1 back together]

Vala Mal Doran:
Try playing hard-to-get.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Yeah, look who's talkin'.

Vala Mal Doran:
Oh, now this brings back memories.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
How's that?

Vala Mal Doran:
Isn't this where I beat you up?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[defensively] No.

Vala Mal Doran:
No, I'm pretty sure that right there is where I crushed your...

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Alright! Excuse me, kids.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Ladies first.

Vala Mal Doran:
[to Daniel] Well, then after you.

Vala Mal Doran:
There's nothing I hate more than a bold-faced lie.

Vala Mal Doran:
What? We're already trapped in here. How much worse can it get?

[there's a rumbling and the ceiling starts dropping]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
How 'bout that much?

Vala Mal Doran:
It was a mistake the moment I said it. The moment.

Vala Mal Doran:
Come to torture me?

Major General Hank Landry:
How old are you?

Vala Mal Doran:
Mental abuse won't work either.

Major General Hank Landry:
I have a daughter about your age. Hasn't listened to me since she was 12. Doesn't matter what I say or do.

Vala Mal Doran:
You're not going to bore me with your personal life, are you? I have to admit an hour or two of that might break me.

Vala Mal Doran:
I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.

Vala Mal Doran:
You should give me a weapon.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
No.

Vala Mal Doran:
There could be an icky creature down here left to protect the treasure.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
For hundreds of years?

Vala Mal Doran:
Some sort of statis or hibernation. What if it senses our presence and awakens hungry for human flesh?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
That doesn't sound quite like the Ancients' style.

Vala Mal Doran:
Still...

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I'm sure if there is a monster down here it's going to be much more scared of you than you are of it. Especially once it gets to know you.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[to teal'c about vala] Okay, Just To Clarify, When I KILL Her, I Die.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You done this before?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Uh, fight a knight in armor, no, can't say that I have.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, you're doin' good.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Well, that figures. Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't so we can go out and meet new races, gather advanced technology, possibly learn about ourselves in the process?

Vala Mal Doran:
Oh, come on. You do it to meet women.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
She has a point, sir.

Major General Hank Landry:
I've been thinking I need to get out on an off-world mission or two.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Are you okay?

Vala Mal Doran:
I've got tingles all over. Don't flatter yourself, I'm pretty sure it's not you.

Teal'c:
We have won.

Jack O'Neill:
Well, that's what we do.

Dr. Bill Lee:
We've been working on this chair for two years to make it a viable virtual reality training tool for SGC personnel.

Teal'c:
You have failed.

Jack O'Neill:
He's nothing if not honest.

Dr. Bill Lee:
Well, I mean - I mean, maybe we could, er, it could use a little more work but...

Jack O'Neill:
Can you make it harder... more difficult?

Dr. Bill Lee:
Well, I mean, we can input, uh, the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. It- The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual's consciousness with the chair's matrix.

Jack O'Neill:
Carter, all I heard was "Matrix", and I found those films *quite* confusing.

Dr. Carmichael:
[after injecting Teal'c's heart with adrenaline] That's not gonna work again.

Jack O'Neill:
I don't wanna *see* that again!

Samantha Carter:
We've got trouble.

Jay Felger:
W-what-what kind of trouble? What?

Samantha Carter:
Think "Bolivia".

Jay Felger:
It's pretty cool, isn't it? You and I working together? We're sort of like the intellectual Butch and Sundance of the SGC.

Samantha Carter:
Butch and Sundance got cornered and killed by the Bolivian army.

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
We're receiving an IDC, sir. It's Colonel Mitchell.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You're kidding.

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
I would never do that, sir.

[two female hostages start pulling each other's hair and shrieking at each other]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[shouting] What the hell are you doing? Stop it!

Hesellven:
She started it.

Sylvana:
[shouting] I think you started it when you kissed Heron!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Shut up! Shut up! You're hostages. This is like a-a life-and-death situation here. Start acting like it.

Sylvana:
Oh, please. You're not rebels. We're not deaf, you know. Everyone in this room knows it.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
That doesn't matter. You're hostages. We're your - we're your captors. We're heavily armed. There's a - there's rules. There's a whole school of etiquette to this. [she glares at him] Don't eyeball me.

Vala Mal Doran:
There's a 70 percent chance that if we dial manually we'll be able to establish a connection and a 50 percent chance that the bomb will just go off.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
That's 120 percent.

Vala Mal Doran:
Well, there's some crossover where we establish a wormhole *and* it blows up.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[over radio] Jackson, did you catch any of that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[over radio] Yeah, 100 percent chance we should have brought someone that knows what they're doing.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We're stuck.

Vala Mal Doran:
No we're not. Well, when we fail to make the scheduled check in, General Landry will dial in, at which point we'll ask him to send a naquadah generator and a laptop with a dialing program and that's that!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We knew that! I thought that when I said that we're stuck, that you would know that I meant "until then."

Vala Mal Doran:
Well, then you should say what you mean.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I don't think you want me to start doing that.

Vala Mal Doran:
I don't think you want to start thinking what I think.

[Maybourne has an order to take Teal'c for research]

Jack O'Neill:
General Hammond, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.

[Hammond looks like he's considering it]

Samantha Carter:
All I'm saying is that, not withstanding what happened to Teal'c, there may be invaluable technology on that planet.

Jack O'Neill:
Carter, there are *bugs* on that planet. Big, huge, ugly, honkin' bugs!

Ally:
I ain't seen nobody, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
And why is that?

Ally:
Because, I don't like the way you smell.

[Teal'c has bought Ally a new super soaker]

Ally:
Have any time to play?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Uh, actually we ...

[She shoots Teal'c in the chest and runs off]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Guess we shouldn't have loaded it, huh?

Teal'c:
[Puts on sunglasses and looks at Daniel] How else would she defend herself?

[Teal'c shoots Daniel in the chest and chases after Ally]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
How else? [Shakes water off his shirt]

Harry Maybourne:
[quietly, to O'Neill only] Striking an officer is a quick way to a court-martial.

Jack O'Neill:
[looks down at Harry] I'm not going to hit you, Maybourne. I'm going to shoot you.

Punk Leader:
I'll remove myself when you tell me how they do tattoos like that in Chulak.

Teal'c:
The skin is cut with an Orak knife. Then pure molten gold is poured into the wound.

Punk Leader:
Ow, man. Don't that hurt when they do that?

Teal'c:
[Teal'c grabs him by the throat and moves him] Tremendously.

Prior:
What say you to the promise of the Ori?

Latal:
We will hear no more of false gods. Go now, and we will spare your life.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Vala, this is a military vessel.

Vala Mal Doran:
I know, darling. I've stolen it before.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, just try to be, uh...

Vala Mal Doran:
My charming self?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Just a little less talk, a little more "shut the hell up".

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[about Vala] So you're saying that she could be alive somewhere in the Ori home galaxy?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
It's possible.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, we wanted to send them a message.

Vala Mal Doran:
You can't honestly open the doors to a pathetic minor Goa'uld posing as one of the posing as one of the big boys. At least promise me you're intending on torturing him.

Major General Hank Landry:
Look at in terms of optics. We must look like major players now.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Most of the system lords were killed by the Replicators, we defeated the Replicators.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Wow, we look cool.

Major General Hank Landry:
Don't let it go to your head.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Considering their unique ability to maintain an active Stargate indefinitely and their force field capabilities, the President has authorized any and all means to complete the mission.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Oh boy, here I was trying to have a nuke-free career.

Nerus:
General! Join me for a glass of wine. It's from a place called France.

Major General Hank Landry:
I'm on duty.

Nerus:
What is this? This is exquisite! What is it?

Major General Hank Landry:
Chicken.

Nerus:
Chicken?

Major General Hank Landry:
It's a rare delicacy among our people.

Nerus:
It's exquisite. I want more chicken, more chicken!

Major General Hank Landry:
I'll try to pull some strings.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Detonating the largest warhead ever built by man is not exactly the historical footnote I had in mind.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[Chaka attempts to apologise to Colonel O'Neill for getting he and Daniel captured by the slavers] Jack, it's not his fault.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Daniel, I'm chained up in a bad man's barn with a bunch of Unas, whose to blame is not at the top of my list of concerns. Yet.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I remember something. There's a man. He's bald and wears a short sleeved shirt. And somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is... Homer.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Do you people *practice* being vague?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
So, push on blindly then.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Blindly, yes. But we still have our slightly heightened sense of smell.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Well this is... odd.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Maybe they just feel more comfortable talking to Sam.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Why, because we have penises?

Ishta:
When will the Goa'uld thirst for conquest and bloodshed end?

Teal'c:
When they are all dead.

Jack O'Neill:
All right, here's the plan.

Master Bra'tac:
You will do as I say.

Jack O'Neill:
Right.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Intel looks good. We got ourselves a space train full of evil Orville Redenbacher.

Wendy Mitchell:
It's all right dear, I'm not as old fashioned as you think.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
What?

Wendy Mitchell:
[to Vala] You know, I think Cam sometimes finds it convenient to forget that I grew up in the sixties. I could tell you some stories.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
No, Mom! No, please! No! We don't wanna hear your stories.

Vala Mal Doran:
I do.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
No!

Jack O'Neill:
From now on, we stick to rations.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
A hundred day celebration? Guess we should pace ourselves.

Samantha Carter:
How many babies have you delivered?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Uh... two. Uh, counting today.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.

Jack O'Neill:
I thought you said it was Greek.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Oh, uh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesus region.

Jack O'Neill:
Where's that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Greece.

Jack O'Neill:
Why do I do that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
It's a paradise.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, sure. Have an apple. What could happen?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
This is interesting. This is a-a reference to Merlin's prophetic abilities. There's a-a similar myth on Earth, that Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen that a lot of legends and folklore have a-a strong basis in fact. Avalon, Atlantis...

Teal'c:
The Easter Bunny.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I guess there's a few exceptions.

Major Marks:
[reading a message from the Ori ships] "And those who are prideful and refuse to bow down shall be laid low and made unto dust."

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[a reply to the Ori ships] "Then to Tyolus, say to the people of the low plains, seek not the wickedness amongst your neighbors lest it find purchase in your own house."

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Sorry, didn't mean to wake you.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
No, uh, I wasn't sleeping. I was kelnoriming. Teal'c taught me the fundamentals.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Did he mention you should remain conscious in the process?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
So all you had to do was shoot the control crystals?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Pretty much.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Sounds like one of my plans.

Netan:
Flying into our territory in an unmarked cargo ship? I didn't think you were that stupid.

Teal'c:
I have allowed myself to be captured knowing that I would be brought before you.

Netan:
Really?

Teal'c:
I have come to seek the assistance of the Lucian Alliance.

Netan:
I take it back. You're not stupid, you're insane.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[entering Maybourne's very empty apartment] Have ya heard of IKEA?

Teal'c:
On Chulak, when a great warrior retires from the field of battle, it is customary to sing a song of lament. [pause] Fortunately we are not on Chulak.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
If it wasn't for SG-1, right now you'd be sittin' there with a snake in your head, instead of your head up your a...

General Bauer:
[shouting] Colonel!

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[to Maybourne] I see you're on that famous beer and mustard diet. How's that workin' out for ya?

Senator Robert Kinsey:
How dare you come into my house waving a gun?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Not waving; pointing.

Samuels:
I'm Major Samuels.

Jack O'Neill:
Air Force?

Samuels:
Yes, sir. I'm the general's executive officer.

Jack O'Neill:
Want a little piece of advice, Major? Get 'reass' to NASA. That's where all the action's gonna be. Out there.

[Unsure whether Ra is dead or alive]

George Hammond:
Are you sure he's dead, Colonel?

Jack O'Neill:
Unless he can survive a tactical nuclear warhead blown up in his face, positive.

[Preparing to send a message to Daniel on Abydos]

Jack O'Neill:
General, we don't need that probe.

Kawalsky:
We don't?

Jack O'Neill:
Nope. This'll do.

[O'Neill grabs a box of Kleenex]

George Hammond:
Where's Captain Carter?

Samuels:
Just arriving, sir.

Jack O'Neill:
Carter?

George Hammond:
I'm assigning Sam Carter to this mission.

Jack O'Neill:
I'd prefer to put together my own team, sir.

George Hammond:
Not on this mission. Sorry. Carter's our expert on the Stargate.

Jack O'Neill:
Where's he transferring from?

Samantha Carter:
[Carter enters the room] She is transferring from the Pentagon. I take it you're Colonel O'Neill. Captain Samantha Carter reporting, sir.

[preparing to go through the Stargate to Abydos]

Jack O'Neill:
Captain?

Samantha Carter:
Don't worry, Colonel. I won't let you down.

Jack O'Neill:
Good. I was gonna say, "Ladies first."

Samantha Carter:
You know, you really will like me when you get to know me.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh, I adore you already, Captain.

[looking the Abydos Stargate's DHD]

Samantha Carter:
Amazing. This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it. It took us 15 years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth.

Jack O'Neill:
Captain?

Samantha Carter:
Look how small it is!

[O'Neill smells a drink that Skaara has brought for the team to drink at dinner]

Jack O'Neill:
Moonshine?

Skaara:
Moon... shine.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah. Moonshine. As in booze. Daniel, what are you teaching these kids?

Skaara:
Try it.

Jack O'Neill:
Alright. Skaara's Moonshine. I'll give it a little shot.

[O'Neill sips it and spits it out in an explosive burst]

Jack O'Neill:
Whoa!

[the team and villagers are laugh]

Jack O'Neill:
[hoarsely] Smooth. Very smooth.

Skaara:
Moonshine!

Kawalsky:
Our little soldiers are all grown up, Colonel.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah. I'm so proud.

Daniel Jackson:
Look, ah, I don't pretend to know anything about astrophysics, but couldn't the planets change? I mean, uh, drift apart or-or something like that to throw this map off?

Samantha Carter:
I knew I'd like you.

Daniel Jackson:
You mean I'm right?

Jack O'Neill:
Daniel, for crying out loud, you've had one beer. Cheaper date than my wife was.

Daniel Jackson:
Yes. When am I going to meet your wife?

Jack O'Neill:
Oh. Probably, ah, never. After I came back from Abydos the first time, she'd already left.

Daniel Jackson:
I'm sorry.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, so was I. I think, in her heart, she forgave me for what happened to our kid. She just... couldn't forget.

Daniel Jackson:
And what about you?

Jack O'Neill:
I'm the opposite. I'll never forgive myself. But sometimes I can forget... Sometimes.

Teal'c:
What is this?

Jack O'Neill:
It's a watch.

Teal'c:
This is not Goa'uld technology. Where are you from?

Jack O'Neill:
Earth. Chicago, if you wanna be specific.

Teal'c:
Your words mean nothing. Where are you from?

Daniel Jackson:
Ah, excuse me.

[Daniel draws the gate symbol representing Earth in the dirt]

Daniel Jackson:
This is where we're from.

[Teal'c looks at it and then leaves the room]

[Teal'c has just helped SG-1 and prisoners escape from the Gou'ald]

Jack O'Neill:
Hey, come on!

Teal'c:
I have nowhere to go.

Jack O'Neill:
For this, you can stay at my place. Let's go.

George Hammond:
What's he doing here?

Jack O'Neill:
General Hammond, this is Teal'c. He can help us.

George Hammond:
Do you know what he is?

Jack O'Neill:
Yes, sir. I do. He's the man who saved our lives. And if you accept my recommendation, sir, he'll join SG-1.

[Daniel is thinking about Sha're]

Daniel Jackson:
She's out there somewhere, Jack.

Jack O'Neill:
I know. So's Skaara.

Daniel Jackson:
So what do we do?

Jack O'Neill:
We find 'em.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I can save these people. Help me! Help me.

Teal'c:
Many have said that. But you are the first I believe could do it.

Sam Carter:
I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.

Sam Carter:
Oh, Colonel, I logged over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you... or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?

General Hammond:
You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?

Jack O'Neill:
I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it.

[O'Neill has sent a box of tissues through the gate for Daniel]

Major Samuels:
What if the aliens get it?

Jack O'Neill:
Well, they could be blowin' their noses right now.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh, come on, Samuels. Let me be the cynic around here, okay?

Samantha Carter:
[Seeing the Control Plinth of the Gate at Abydos for the first time] Amazing.

Samantha Carter:
But, this is what was missing from the dig at Giza.

Samantha Carter:
[Touches the central boss] This is how they controlled it.

Samantha Carter:
It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to 'MacGyver' a system for the Gate on Earth.

Jack O'Neill:
Captain.

Samantha Carter:
Look how small it is.

Jack O'Neill:
Captain!

Samantha Carter:
It took us fifteen years and three super-computers to MacGyver a system for the Gate on Earth.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh here we go, another scientist. General, please.

Samantha Carter:
Theoretical astrophysicist.

Jack O'Neill:
Which means...?

George Hammond:
It means she's smarter than you are.

Major Samantha Carter:
[Sam talks technobabble and Daniel yawns] At least pretend that it's interesting.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
No, it was very interesting. Please, go on.

Major Samantha Carter:
Are you tired?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Ya think?

Major Samantha Carter:
No offense, Daniel, but it's not like you don't have some issues to work out.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Oh, yeah.

Major Samantha Carter:
Maybe you should talk to someone.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I thought I was.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[Sam is humming in the elevator] Humming?

Major Samantha Carter:
I am?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
You are.

Major Samantha Carter:
Sorry.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
What's his name?

Major Samantha Carter:
Now, why would you...

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Humming.

Major Samantha Carter:
Pete.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Pete?

Major Samantha Carter:
Pete Shanahan. He's a cop.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Speeding again, are we?

Major Samantha Carter:
From Denver. He's a friend of my brother.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Set up.

Major Samantha Carter:
Pathetic, I know.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
No, it's great.

Major Samantha Carter:
It's not serious or anything.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
And yet it is... humworthy.

Teal'c:
Most often, dreams are merely the mind's way of dealing with desires that cannot be fulfilled.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Oh. So basically, I'm destined never to get a good night's sleep again.

Teal'c:
Knowing your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing on... many levels.

Major General George Hammond:
You're suggesting Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Dr. Jackson's dreams?

Major Samantha Carter:
We think it's possible, sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Kinky.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I'm just happy you're happy about something other than...quarks.

[both pause and look at each other for a long moment]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
That was good, wasn't it, quarks?

Major Samantha Carter:
Very good sir.

Dr. Sarah Gardner:
You know, I must have read everything you've ever published.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Everything?

Dr. Sarah Gardner:
Yes.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What a waste of time.

Special Agent Farrity:
Look, Pete, you ask me, this Major Carter is connected to something big. You might want to back off on this one. It's way out of your league.

Pete Shanahan:
Hey. It's not like I'm dating her or anything!

Special Agent Farrity:
Ri-i-ight.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Teal'c is picking out his doughnuts. He *loves* a good stakeout.

Major Samantha Carter:
What I'm about to tell you is Classified under section 11-C-9 of the National Security Act.

Pete Shanahan:
Chicks with laser beam rings and glowing eyes are Classified under 11-C-9?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[whispering into his microphone, testing radio communications with Daniel's house] Hey, Daniel... Daniel! Are you sleeping yet?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[in normal voice] Yes, Jack. I'm fast asleep.

Bert Simmons:
What about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about them?

Joe Spencer:
Oh, course. I'm sure we'll-we'll hear lots of stories about them. [pause] I mean, I'll make one up.

Gordie Lowe:
Furlings? They sound cute. Like Ewoks.

Gordie Lowe:
See. I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.

Bert Simmons:
They rejected "Hathor"? Oh but it was gold!

Daniel:
Jack?

Jack O'Neill:
He's a barber.

Daniel:
Broke into your house?

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah.

Daniel:
Second week in a row.

Jack O'Neill:
Mmmh-hmm.

Daniel:
Alarm.

Jack O'Neill:
I'm thinkin' "dog".

Joe Spencer:
You could try locking your front door.

Jack O'Neill:
I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelet!

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
World-famous, huh? What's in it?

Jack O'Neill:
Eggs.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I can't tell you what it is or I'd have to shoot you.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
It's beer isn't it?

Joe Spencer:
What do you think the problem is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.

Charlene Spencer:
Well for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.

Andy:
Chores! What are we Amish?

Joe Spencer:
Dr Jackson, can I just say thank goodness you're back. Not that Jonas was a bad guy but after all you've been through together you belong here with SG-1.

Daniel:
Thankyou. Jack?

Jack O'Neill:
He's a barber.

Daniel:
Broke into your house?

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah.

Daniel:
Second week in a row.

Jack O'Neill:
Uh huh.

Daniel:
Alarm.

Jack O'Neill:
I'm thinking dog.

Joe Spencer:
You could try locking your front door.

Joe Spencer:
Please wait! You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill. Head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited a planet called Argos, and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially. You've had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge downloaded into your brain. Twice! You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot, and you're a terrible ping pong player.

Jack O'Neill:
...Have we met?

Joe Spencer:
My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber. It's all true, isn't it? Everything I've seen. The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards? It's all real. Tell me it's real. I need to know.

Jack O'Neill:
[hesitates] Well, first of all, Joe, I'm not a terrible ping pong player.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
That still doesn't explain the proximity issue. I mean, if the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here, how was Joe able to see everything that happened to the General off-world?

Daniel:
I think he was getting most of it from when Jack was writing up his reports right here on the base. The stone was being stored just a few levels above.

Joe Spencer:
That's why the stories were so easy to write. It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.

Jack O'Neill:
[disappointed] And you say they all got rejected?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Wait a second. If the stones worked the way Daniel says, shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life, as well?

Daniel:
Theoretically, yes he would.

Jack O'Neill:
[to Joe] Bowling league, Thursday nights?

Joe Spencer:
You saw that?

Jack O'Neill:
You got game, son.

Daniel:
Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years, and you never mentioned it?

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
No, no you didn't, sir.

Jack O'Neill:
I didn't?

Daniel:
You didn't find it the least bit odd?

Jack O'Neill:
Actually no. I found it quite relaxing.

Joe Spencer:
And don't worry I wont say a word about your feelings for...

[Lt. Col. Samantha Carter walks in]

Jack O'Neill:
shhh

Jack O'Neill:
Come on, get me outta here. [pause] Tell ya what, let me put it nicely. Get me the *hell* outta here!

Major General Hank Landry:
I read your report. Not sure I've ever seen language like that used in an official Air Force document before.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Uh, you should probably prepare to return fire.

Major Marks:
For the record, I'm always prepared. I just have to press this button here.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Right... I just-I thought that's what you're supposed to say, so...

Major Marks:
I know.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
It's the wrong one! You can't just jam it in! [Vala jams in the small crystal. The power grid activates. Carter stares at it in surprise]

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
How did you do that?

Vala Mal Doran:
Honestly? I don't know. That almost never normally works.

Borzin:
What do you want, Vala? If you haven't already stolen it from me.

Anateo:
[to Carter, while eating an energy bar] I've always felt civilization can be judged by two things, its food and its women. I'd say yours is only half way there.

Vala Mal Doran:
Our only chance is to take this ship back.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
I have an idea about that, but it's pretty risky.

Vala Mal Doran:
It's probably better than our plan.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Well, what's your plan?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We don't have one.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.

Jack O'Neill:
Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.

Teal'c:
The Goa'uld visit here regularly. It is one of their favorite places to harvest hosts for Goa'uld absorption.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You know, I wish you wouldn't say "harvest". We're talking about human beings, not... brussel sprouts.

Hanno:
Jaffa, you killed my father. For this crime punishment is death. I will now lead the Cor-Ai.

Jack O'Neill:
Objection!

[crowd is suprised]

Jack O'Neill:
That's something we say back on earth when- [small pause] Never mind.

Major General George Hammond:
Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people's affairs.

Jack O'Neill:
[short pause] Since when, Sir?

Teal'c:
I am ashamed that my brothers have utilized these methods.

Cameron Mitchell:
They're desperate.

Teal'c:
There is no honor. Freedom without honor is meaningless.

Master Bra'tac:
[about Vala] She displays the wisdom of a battle seasoned warrior.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
She's a mother. Close enough.

Vala Mal Doran:
Listen. We're not rejoining the fleet. You're coming with me.

Adria:
No, I can't abandon my army.

Vala Mal Doran:
It's not *your* army.

Adria:
Of course it is.

Vala Mal Doran:
Well, as your mother, I'm putting my foot down. You're too young to have your own army.

Teal'c:
A great Jaffa warrior once said exalted is the warrior who achieves victory without battle.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Winning shows strength. Winning without fighting shows true skill.

Teal'c:
Hmm. You are a student of ancient strategies.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
No, General Landry said it to me. I think he was quoting Sun Tzu. Or it could have been Doctor Phil.

Major General Hank Landry:
Sometimes you make the right decisions, sometimes you make the decision right.

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
Patton.

Major General Hank Landry:
That one's Doctor Phil.

Major General Hank Landry:
Incidental genocide is not an option.

Teal'c:
[Referring to Vala's mysterious prenancy] You have been impregnated without copulation.

Vala Mal Doran:
Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?

Cameron Mitchell:
[after everyone pauses] Well, there's one.

Teal'c:
Darth Vader.

Vala Mal Doran:
Really?

Teal'c:
Hmm.

Vala Mal Doran:
How did that turn out?

Cameron Mitchell:
Actually, I was thinking of King Arthur.

Vala Mal Doran:
You know, this water is lovely, but I think Daniel skipped breakfast and I suddenly had a craving for pancakes and ice cream. Double chocolate fudge brownie if memory serves.

[all stare at her]

Vala Mal Doran:
Oh, I'll-I'll continue while you rustle that up.

Vala Mal Doran:
It's funny, isn't it? Daniel always wanted to get into my pants, and now I'm in his.

Vala Mal Doran:
By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies of the local knitting circle.

Cameron Mitchell:
Don't know what you're talking about.

Cameron Mitchell:
So it's just like my grandma used to say, "No point goin' to confession if you ain't got nothin' to confess."

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
We didn't think we were ever going to make this work.

Cameron Mitchell:
Make what work?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Well, since you disintegrated the Alteran communication stones and the base terminal in the kawoosh, we've been...

Cameron Mitchell:
I'm sorry the what?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
The unstable vortex of a forming wormhole. Kawoosh.

Cameron Mitchell:
Don't think I've ever heard you call it that before.

Vala Mal Doran:
I did my best to blend in. At first according to Tomin and therefore, as far as the villagers were concerned, I was the woman who fell from the sky, which made me feel kind of special. I later learned that they always suspected I'd escaped from another village as a result of some scandal and then I started to feel much more like I'm used to.

Vala Mal Doran:
So this girl in the bar, her name was Denya and we struck up a bit of a friendship. By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.

Cameron Mitchell:
Don't know what you're talking about.

Vala Mal Doran:
That's funny, isn't it? Daniel always wanted to get in my pants, and now I'm in his.

Vala Mal Doran:
You know, this water is lovely, but I think Daniel skipped breakfast and I suddenly had a craving for pancakes and ice cream. Double chocolate fudge brownie if memory serves. [all stare at her] Oh, I'll continue while you rustle that up.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Since you've been gone, we've learned a few things about the Ori their followers may want to know about.

Vala Mal Doran:
It doesn't matter what the truth is about the Ori. The people won't hear of it, no matter what you say.

Cameron Mitchell:
Obviously some are suspicious enough to form a resistance.

Vala Mal Doran:
You're talking about a handful of people compared to millions who wouldn't know the truth if it was standing right in front of them. It's all lies and propaganda as far as they're concerned: we're wrong, they're right, they're good, we're bad, we 'must' worship the Ori or die and they will fight until we are dead or they are. Period.

Vala Mal Doran:
By the looks on your faces I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies of the local knitting circle.

Cameron Mitchell:
Don't know what you're talking about.

Samantha Carter:
Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you.

Jack O'Neill:
No matter how dense.

Jack O'Neill:
Hey, if you'd been listening, you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I heard.

Jack O'Neill:
Everything.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, can you imagine heatin' this place?

Jack O'Neill:
Look, I'm sick of layin' around. Help me up.

Teal'c:
Dr. Frasier believes you're not strong enough to undertake such a mission.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, whatever.

[O'Neill gets out of his bed and promptly falls down]

Teal'c:
Dr. Frasier is usually correct in such matters.

[Only Nick can hear or see Daniel]

Jack O'Neill:
Daniel said you should come along to make it work?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Wait, I never said that. You're taking advantage of me.

Nick Ballard:
Yes.

Nick Ballard:
Now we must wait for the giant aliens.

Jack O'Neill:
That just has a nice ring to it.

Jack O'Neill:
[about Fraiser] Napoleonic power monger.

Teal'c:
You may take us to Nicholas Ballard immediately.

Jack O'Neill:
He's just a little anxious to see old Nick.

Nurse:
Oh, are you close?

[Teal'c and Jack speak at the same time]

Teal'c:
No.

Jack O'Neill:
Yes.

[pause]

Teal'c:
Yes, extremely.

Nick Ballard:
Daniel is here.

Major General George Hammond:
Here?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Repeat what I'm saying: I'm standing right beside you.

Nick Ballard:
Standing right beside me.

Jack O'Neill:
He's lost a few pounds.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Jack, don't be an ass.

Nick Ballard:
Jack, don't be an ass.

Jack O'Neill:
Daniel?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Yes!

Teal'c:
A Goa'uld offspring is born with the intellect and knowledge of the queen who bore it. Normally the fully developed personality would emerge, allowing the symbiote to control the host immediately upon blending.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Glowing eyes, clich? behavior, evilness, that kind of thing.

Dollen:
It is our hope, we will be able to repair any mistrust that may have developed between us so that we can pursue a long-lasting friendship between our people far into the future.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Well said.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
...we can say you'll solve this eventually, right?

Malek:
At this moment, all I can say is it is a mystery.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
What, you're suddenly stumped?

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
I am sorry, Colonel. The Pangarans totally sugarcoated the whole side effect aspect of the drug.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Well, that's a shock, isn't it?

[SG-1 are stunned to see what appears to be a Goa'uld symbiote attached to a large womb in a tank similar to a fish tank. There are wires attached to the womb portion which is fleshtone in color and in stark contrast to the grey color of the symbiote. The symbiote seems to look at them as they enter the room]

Teal'c:
A queen.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
No kidding.

Dollen:
Quite frankly, we intended to tell you how the Tretonin was made, eventually. We just wanted to first assess how you might react.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Not well.

Zenna Valk:
Earthans!

Jonas Quinn:
Uh, that's Earthlings. [then, quietly to Teal'c]... sort of...

[a bottle of purple liquid is placed on the table in front of Jack and Sam. They look at it and and each other. Sam gives a cute little combination shrug and questioning look. Jack picks up the bottle and looks at it]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Dollen:
We call it Tretonin, Colonel. It is our greatest scientific discovery.

Dollen:
They are sending their most respected team of representatives. No doubt, the leader of this group will be a brilliant and savvy negotiator.

Commander Tegar:
We must be at our best to match the challenge.

Dollen:
Personally, I cannot wait to meet a man of such genius.

[Just then, Jack, Sam, Teal'c and Jonas step through the 'gate]

Sam Carter:
Sir, he's not Goa'uld.

Jack O'Neill:
And? But? So? Therefore?

Aris Boch:
Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.

Daniel Jackson:
I'm an archaeologist.

Aris Boch:
I know, but you're also a doctor.

Daniel Jackson:
Of archaeology.

Sam Carter:
How do you keep from getting killed?

Aris Boch:
It takes talent.

Jack O'Neill:
So, how do you keep from getting killed?

Jack O'Neill:
Teal'c, how fast will this unit fly?

Teal'c:
I believe it is capable of traveling twice the speed of light.

Jack O'Neill:
Nice. Home for dinner.

Sam Carter:
Ah, sir, if you're thinking of trying to steal the ship and fly it back to Earth, even at 372,000 miles per second, it would still take us at least ten years to get that far.

Jack O'Neill:
[pause] Shoulda let the dog out.

Aris Boch:
Captain, you must have some medical training.

Sam Carter:
Actually, I'm a Major now.

Aris Boch:
Oh! Well, how very important. I'll inform the galaxy. Can you get over here now and help me, *Major*?

Aris Boch:
I hate Goa'uld. You hate 'em. Everybody hates the Goa'ulds.

Jack O'Neill:
Well, fancy that. We're famous.

Aris Boch:
Well, uh, Teal'c is worth the most. The, uh, System Lords would love to make a good example of him. And Carter here, well, she has the memories of the Tok'ra Jolinar. And you, O'Neill, you're considered - Well, you're a pain in the nikta.

Jack O'Neill:
Neck?

Teal'c:
No.

Jack O'Neill:
Beetlejuice!

Jacob Carter:
This prototype should have been done weeks ago.

Major Samantha Carter:
It's done. It's just not... finished.

Jacob Carter:
Interesting distinction.

Teal'c:
Do you believe this prototype weapon will be effective against it?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Teal'c:
I know of no Goa'uld capable of showing the necessary compassion or benevolence that I've read of in your bible.

Jack O'Neill:
You read the bible Teal'c?

Teal'c:
It is a significant part of your western culture. Have you not read the bible O'Neill?

Jack O'Neill:
Oh yeah, yeah... not all of it. Actually I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They... well, they-they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.

Jack O'Neill:
Thus *saving* the person?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Jack O'Neill:
Carter, if I ever get the urge to help anybody again, feel free to give me a swift kick.

Jack O'Neill:
Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

Jack O'Neill:
[shouts at Teal'C's stomach] Way to go Junior!

Teal'c:
The crew appears to have abandoned ship, General Hammond.

Major General George Hammond:
That's good news. I don't mind telling you we've all been holding our breath down here.

Teal'c:
That is most unwise.

Major General George Hammond:
[smiles] Yes, of course, Teal'c.

Homeless Man:
I'm just a crazy old guy with a shopping cart full of cans.

Jack O'Neill:
I'm just a cynical Air Force guy with a closet full of National Geographics.

Homeless Man:
Can I have 'em?

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
Played a lot of hide'n'seek as a kid. It's funny, I could always find anyone anywhere, but they could never find me.

Jack O'Neill:
Because they didn't *want* to.

Homeless Man:
She was feisty; put up a fight.

Jack O'Neill:
With whom?

Homeless Man:
Ninjas. Three, maybe four. Happened fast. They pulled up in a white van, grabbed her. I've been telling the police about ninjas for years. You think they listen?

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
Gonna turn me in?

Jack O'Neill:
Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.

Jack O'Neill:
You alright?

Major Samantha Carter:
Yeah. Very dramatic, thank you.

Jack O'Neill:
You bet.

Major Samantha Carter:
Sir, are you okay?

Jack O'Neill:
I've been shot, Carter.

Major Samantha Carter:
I know. Your vest stopped one of the bullets.

Jack O'Neill:
I want sleeves on my vest.

Chinese Ambassador:
The government of China does not believe in keeping secrets from its people.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I'd've rather died myself than lose Carter.

Anise:
Why?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Because I care about her. A lot more than I'm supposed to.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[resisting Anise's sexual advances] Hey, I could blow here any minute.

Vala Mal Doran:
You do realize, in a traditional mother-daughter relationship I'm supposed to be the bossy one.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You sure you're okay with this?

Vala Mal Doran:
Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Because she's your daughter. And no matter what she's done, it must be difficult to see her treated this way.

Vala Mal Doran:
Let's get something clear. She's not my daughter, Daniel. The Ori impregnated me against my will and forced me to bring her into the galaxy. I was an incubator. A shipping crate. And nothing more.

Major General George Hammond:
Colonel O'Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[pause] Yes sir...

Major General George Hammond:
Then it would seem that your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.

Jack O'Neill:
The hell with culture - a member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?

Jack O'Neill:
I practice.

Samantha Carter:
Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this, and I will eat this headdress.

Jack O'Neill:
Damn! Guess I'm gonna have to cancel that Oprah interview.

Teal'c:
What is an "Oprah"?

[the gate disappeared]

Sgt. Mackenzie:
One minute we're getting coffee, the next minute the gate...

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Wait a minute! Wait a minute. You were getting coffee?

Sgt. Mackenzie:
Umm... It...

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I'm joking. I'm joking. It's just a joke.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
They'll never see it coming.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
Which is one of the advantages of a totally insane idea!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Yeah... Where'd I learn that from?

Brooks:
We've got a problem. I just monitored a 60% drop in our power consumption.

Hoskins:
The cloak.

Hoskins:
[to Jennings] Stay with her.

Hoskins:
Get up to the bridge. Get that cloak back online.

Brooks:
Yes, sir.

Jennings:
Where the hell did he come from?

Hoskins:
He had the wrist device.

Jennings:
Any chance there's more of them on board?

Hoskins:
It only lets one person up at a time.

Brooks:
[Voice filtered through radio] Hoskins, this is Brooks.

Hoskins:
Go ahead.

Brooks:
The cloak's been disabled. I don't know if I can get it back online.

Hoskins:
[Into radio] This position is compromised. We need to get out of here now.

Brooks:
Yes,sir.

Jennings:
What about them?

Hoskins:
We can't take them with us.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I don't mind going for a little ride.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Me neither.

Hoskins:
Sorry about this, Dr. Jackson.

Brooks:
[Voice filtered through radio] Cargo hold, what's happening down there? Cargo hold, respond. Jennings, Hoskins, where the hell are you?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I'm enjoying their style. Shoot first, send flowers later.

Major Samantha Carter:
This way, sir. It's not far.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Carter, how do you know where to go in a place like this?

Major Samantha Carter:
I studied the Tok'ra specs of the ship while we were on Vorash.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
You know how to have a good time, don't you?

Major Samantha Carter:
Havin' a good time now, sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
You go, girl.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I believe someone said "We're not gonna make it!"

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
Sam, let's get the hyperdrive running.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Excuse me. I distinctly remember someone saying "We're not gonna make it!" I think we made it.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
I'm sorry , I over-reacted. At the time it looked very much like we weren't going to make it.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yes, well, maybe next time you'll just wait and see.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
What?

Major Samantha Carter:
[grinning] Welcome to my life!

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
What?

Daniel:
What's this? Artifacts?

Major Lorne:
Yes.

Daniel:
You found all this and-and you didn't contact me?

Major Lorne:
We were going to.

Daniel:
They've been moved.

Major Lorne:
Well, they were in the way.

[Daniel gets a sour look on his face]

Jack O'Neill:
Daniel? [pats Daniel on the shoulder] Go to your happy place.

Daniel:
[O'Neill's arm has been dislocated during a skirmish with Unas] Uh, if we go back to this planet, you're not comin' with us, are you?

Jack O'Neill:
[looks at his arm] It's doubtful...

Daniel:
Yeah, that's too bad. I was kinda hoping you'd take command of the mission...

Daniel:
[explains to Major Carter] Colonel Edwards has no experience dealing with the Unas.

Jack O'Neill:
Nor you.

[Daniel ponders this, nods head in submission to valid point]

Jack O'Neill:
He's an ok guy, Daniel. He's just under a lot of pressure.

Daniel:
Yeah. [sigh] Yeah. I- I guess I just spent a lot of time breakin' you in, I just didn't wanna have to start with a new colonel.

Jack O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Oh, just thinking what the little guy with the funny hair once told us.

Jack O'Neill:
The very young do not always do as they're told?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Yeah.

Colonel Harry Maybourne:
Wherever you send them, we will hunt them down.

Captain Samantha Carter:
*We* are not sending them anywhere, sir. The gate was activated off-world. Someone is sending *for* them.

Jack O'Neill:
Dial home, Daniel.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Shouldn't there be a memo on this stuff?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I'm not getting all my memos.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[questioning Dr. Janet Fraiser's authority] Who put her in charge?

Major General George Hammond:
The US Air Force.

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
It is a very bad burn, Sam.

Major Samantha Carter:
Five minutes.

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
NOW.

Jarrod Kane:
Do you ever give up?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Not until I'm dead. [pause] And sometimes not even then.

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
Doctor Jackson, we've just received a communiqu? from the Rand government.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[reading the communiqu?, to Kane:] They want to talk.

[Cut to Daniel and Kane sitting in an underground jail]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
This isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Reynolds, I want flanking positions set up on either side of the clearing. Rig the perimeter with C4.

Colonel Reynolds:
Not much faith in Plan A?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Since when has Plan A ever worked?

[Sylar is gearing up Jacob]

Sgt. Siler:
How's that, sir?

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
Pretty good. Reminds me of my old football days.

Sgt. Siler:
They had helmets back in those days, sir?

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
Funny.

Rogelio:
Don't worry. This is not the first time I've been shot. Save your friends. [they still won't leave] Please. They owe me lots of money.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Ah.

Burke:
What's with the guy from Evil Dead?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Umm...

Burke:
Classified?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yeah.

Burke:
[laughs] You guys are into some crazy crap, man!

Burke:
Is that that thing that made that guy do that thing?

Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
Yeah, it's okay, it's off now.

Jack O'Neill:
Good. That's good.

Dr. Bill Lee:
Yeah, at least we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore so...

Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore it shouldn't be on anymore.

Dr. Bill Lee:
[to Daniel] Do you want to hold it?

Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
Nope. [Daniel hops twice sideways away from Lee]

Burke:
[laughing madly] That's crazy!

Master Bra'tac:
Teal'c. Are you hurt?

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Master Bra'tac:
Where?

Teal'c:
My pride. An old man did what I could not.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
Sam? Sam? No, don't move, just lie still. What hurts?

Major Samantha Carter:
Everything.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
That's a good sign.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[talking about a firefight in an office] Witnesses?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
One. Some guy who was working overtime, spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide the descriptions of three individuals: big, tattooed, chain mail pants.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
So it's either our Jaffa, or KISS is back on tour.

Ba'al:
Over six hundred channels and nothing to watch. Think I'll turn in. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Where are you gonna be?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Seattle.

Agent Malcolm Barrett:
How the hell are you gonna get there?

[she gets beamed out]

Agent Malcolm Barrett:
Prometheus.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Beats flying coach.

Teal'c:
And yet, knowing what Apophis did to Sha're, would you not trade it all for the opportunity to crush the life from his throat with your bare hands?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, I'd be lying to you if I said I'd never thought about it but that doesn't mean I'd do it, given a more rational option.

Teal'c:
The propulsion system and communication array have been damaged beyond repair.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Ah, that's good. Because according to my calculations we are roughly in the middle of nowhere. Give or take.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Yeah, I think we have a problem here. I figure that flashing wasn't good news, and the fact that in Goa'uld it says... Warning, Warning.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
You have to take that to the secondary cargo hold. We need to make room for the Stargate.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Hey! Don't scuff the walls. I want this ship back the way we found it.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
My mission is to oversee the relocation of the Tok'ra base. What's yours again?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Protect Earth's big fat asset.

Major Samantha Carter:
This is the sun that Vorash is orbiting. It's a regular main sequence star with a core temperature of about fifteen million degrees and enough hydrogen to burn for another five billion years.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yeah?

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
We wanna blow it up.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Wow.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
That's, uh...

Colonel Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Ambitious.

Major Samantha Carter:
I've just never blown up a star before.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Well, they say the first one's always the hardest.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[after ringing down from their, formerly Cronus's, mothership.] Hey kids, we're not parked in a red zone, are we?

Tanith:
I must say, Colonel, I was most intrigued by the means of your arrival.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, it's a sweet ride. Little rusty, but it's got a lotta zip.

Tanith:
How, exactly, did a Gou'ald mothership come into your possession?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
It was kind of a trade deal.

Tanith:
How so?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Cronus gave us his ship and he... got what was coming to him.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[Regarding Tanith] That guy is a living clich?.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[O'Neill returns after helping Teal'c search for Tanith] Did you find anything?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
No, he's still looking.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You've been out there for hours.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, it's a whole Jaffa revenge thing.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[O'Neill and Teal'c's glider is damaged in combat] Mayday! Mayday! We are *so* goin' in.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
This is *so* the last I help someone move.

Sam Carter:
[explaining the contents of the asteroid and how the bomb will affect it] The explosion will be enhanced by the naquadah, probably to the force of a small nova. This close to Earth, it would be enough to set the atmosphere on fire and boil the oceans.

Jack O'Neill:
Okay, this was not in the movie.

Sam Carter:
Now find the wires leading from the timer to the detonator and cut the red one.

Jack O'Neill:
Carter, they're all yellow.

Sam Carter:
Say again?

Jack O'Neill:
There are five wires and they're all yellow.

Jack O'Neill:
[looking out the window of a Goa'uld cargo ship, approaching the Earth] Carter... I can see my house!

Sam Carter:
The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.

Jack O'Neill:
I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Jack O'Neill:
...And after that, I kind of lost my temper.

Major General George Hammond:
What exactly does *that* mean?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Let's just say Jack made a reference to Freyr's mother.

Sam Carter:
Sir, the asteroid's core is composed almost entirely of naquadah.

Jack O'Neill:
Of course it is.

Sam Carter:
It makes up about 45 percent of the total mass.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Of course it does.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, we have a couple of options. Number one, we give up. We use what's left of power and life support to make it to the nearest unoccupied gate world. There's a small chance we'd make it. From there we head to the Alpha site.

Jack O'Neill:
Number two?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We take off and hope that our radio signal can be picked up by the Asgard in time to inform them that this was a Goa'uld attack disguised as a natural disaster.

Sam Carter:
There isn't enough time for that.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I know.

Jack O'Neill:
Is... there a number three?

Sam Carter:
There's no three.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, maybe there is. Teal'c, you said naquadah wasn't native to our solar system. [Teal'c nods in acknowledgement] Which means that the Goa'uld must have towed it through hyperspace by ship.

Teal'c:
A mother ship.

Sam Carter:
Daniel, that's it!

Jack O'Neill:
What's it?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We don't have a mother ship.

Sam Carter:
But the effect only has to last a few seconds.

Jack O'Neill:
What only has to last a few seconds? What?

Sam Carter:
Choice three, sir. We expand the ship's hyperspace field to encompass the entire asteroid. We take it out of normal space long enough to avoid the collision with earth.

Jack O'Neill:
[Long pause] Is there a *four*?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I'm confident.

Jack O'Neill:
Me too.

Teal'c:
As am I.

Jalen:
I'm Jalen of the Tok'ra. We received your distress call, and came as fast as we could. Can we render assistance?

Jack O'Neill:
Well, you know, it's not like we don't have everything totally under control here, but... Sure, render away.

Jack O'Neill:
Certainly not those lyin', schemin', no-good-for-nothin', slimey, over-dressed...

Samantha Carter:
Sir.

Jack O'Neill:
...style-mongers.

Samantha Carter:
I'd like to try something.

Jack O'Neill:
I wasn't finished.

Jack O'Neill:
Chronus doesn't know that. And Nirrti doesn't know what else we know.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Which is nothing.

Jack O'Neill:
Right. But she doesn't know we know nothing.

General Hammond:
What are you suggesting?

Jack O'Neill:
I'm just saying, maybe it's time we take a page out of the Asgard book on dealin' with these Goa'ulds.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You're gonna bluff.

[Trying to get advice from Thor, although he is not allowed to interfere]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
All right, send me back. Wait! Ah... Right there. Is that a head nod? A nod is usually down, then back up. You kinda just went down, right- Wait! I'll take...

[O'Neill is beamed back to Earth]

Samantha Carter:
[Referring to the system lords currently negotiating on Earth] I just hate having them here.

Jack O'Neill:
Major, I hate having'em anywhere.

Jack O'Neill:
[Daniel, human again after being ascended, has no recollection of who he is] You were a member of my team, SG-1. You're a friend of mine. Last year, you died.

Daniel Jackson:
I'm dead?

Jack O'Neill:
Obviously not.

Khordib:
[on meeting SG-1 for the first time, clears his throat] Greetings.

Jonas Quinn:
Greetings. We're... travelers from a planet called Earth.

Khordib:
You came through the chaapa'ai?

Jonas Quinn:
The stargate... Chaapa'ai.

Khordib:
He is Jaffa.

Jack O'Neill:
No, but he plays one on T.V.

[Jonas runs panting into the office]

Jonas Quinn:
I got it!

Major Samantha Carter:
Hopefully it's not contagious.

Major Samantha Carter:
Do you have a gate address?

Jonas Quinn:
There's a reference and some partial translations that Doctor Jackson was working on from the library of the four races. It talks about a city of the Ancients called Vis Uban as being a place where plague began. This was gonna be the crown jewel in the entire Ancient domain, only it was still under construction when the plague broke out.

Major Samantha Carter:
Two words: gate address.

Shamda:
No one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust them.

Jack O'Neill:
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Shamda:
Enemies promises were made to be broken.

Jack O'Neill:
And yet honesty *is* the best policy.

Shamda:
He that has too many friends has none.

Jack O'Neill:
Ah, but, birds of a feather...

Shamda:
I'm unfamiliar with that story.

[Daniel has been cleared to attend a briefing after having lost his memory]

Daniel Jackson:
Besides, who am I gonna tell? I mean I don't, uh, I don't remember anybody, right?

Jack O'Neill:
Good one.

Daniel Jackson:
Thanks, Jim.

Daniel Jackson:
Look, all I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it.

Jack O'Neill:
Then, where is *it*?

Daniel Jackson:
Did I just say, "all I know"?

Jack O'Neill:
Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.

Jack O'Neill:
All I'm sayin', just for the record, this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with. [starts walking towards General Hamonds Office]

Major Samantha Carter:
[as O'Neill passes] Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?

Jack O'Neill:
[still walking] Oh, yeah.

Major Samantha Carter:
[calling after O'Neill] Wackier than-than blowing up a sun?

Jack O'Neill:
[over his shoulder] Yep.

Major Samantha Carter:
[slightly resigned] He's probably right.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, I thought we were going with "Red Leader" on this one.

Major Paul Davis:
Airstrike, this is command base. You are a go for take off.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, I thought we were going with "Red Leader" on this one.

Jack O'Neill:
Damn... that was close.

First Minister Dreylock:
Kelowna will accept nothing less than equal representation.

Eremal:
Really? Kelowna is solely responsible for this problem.

First Minister Dreylock:
Need I remind you that the stargate is in our possession?

Tarthus:
For the moment.

First Minister Dreylock:
Is that a threat?

Tarthus:
It's an assurance that when it comes to the survival of our people, we will do whatever is necessary.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What, so now you want to go to war? My friends are trying to save your world, and you want to destroy it?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Oh, save your breath, Daniel! [to the Langarans] You folks are done.

First Minister Dreylock:
I don't understand.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Well, you see, we actually like the Madronans. They're nice people. And we've decided there's no way we'd subject them to the likes of you. Deal's off. You're toast.

Tarthus:
General?

Major General George Hammond:
Colonel O'Neill's right. You can stay until we hear back from Jonas and Major Carter.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
That's what you get for dicking around.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[Looking at the Stargate] You miss it?

Jonas Quinn:
Yeah, I do.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, judging from what you've got to deal with back on Kelowna, I'm not surprised. I'd take life-threatening danger over one of those council meetings any day of the week.

Jack O'Neill:
If we can pull this off, Sir, we can grab Teal'c's kid and nail this mother [small pause] Goa'uld in one sweep.

Jack O'Neill:
Well, you got a price on your head, you're doing your job.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
But the truth is the Stargate program just doesn't get the support it used to from the people in charge.

Jacek:
Why not?

Dr. Bill Lee:
Eureka! One down, twelve to go.

Jacek:
That's too bad because after all your Stargate program has accomplished for this network of planets, I would think that the decision makers would show it the respect it deserves.

Jacek:
I suppose, for the benefit of your friends there, you're gonna wanna list all the reasons why I was such a bad father.

Vala Mal Doran:
Oh, I wish I could, but a wormhole can only be maintained for 38 minutes.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
So, what's the deal with the accent, or in your father's case, the lack thereof?

Vala Mal Doran:
Well, the accent, like most of my other good qualities, I got from my mother, my charm, my wit, my good looks.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What'd you get from your dad?

Vala Mal Doran:
Some minor food allergies.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[Carter and Vala are carrying shopping bags] So, what is this, girls' day out?

Vala Mal Doran:
Well, yes, if I'm going to integrate into Earth society, we thought it was very important that I immerse myself in the local cultural offerings.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Uh, and by "cultural offerings", you mean...

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Pedicures, mochaccinos, and Victoria's Secret.

Vala Mal Doran:
[On giving sanctuary to Jacek, Vala's father] General, you're making a terrible mistake. Uh, with all due respect, it's not too late to change your mind.

Major General Hank Landry:
I made a deal. I'm not going back on my word.

Vala Mal Doran:
Then might I suggest a more liberal interpretation of the agreement? For instance, the word "sanctuary" could mean anything from accommodations in an idyllic tropical setting to say... a lifetime's incarceration in one of this planet's more unpleasant penal facilities.

Jacek:
For once in the last 20 years, could you call me "Dad"?

Vala Mal Doran:
You haven't earned that right yet.

Teal'c:
May I offer you a word of advice?

Jacek:
Any input that would help me better myself would be greatly appreciated.

Teal'c:
Perhaps three words: be less annoying

Jacek:
Say, how'd you like to go out to dinner with me once this is all is over?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Oh, I don't think so.

Jacek:
Why not?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Well, I'm an incredibly busy person with very little free time. Oh, And you're a jerk!

Jacek:
Oh, of course there's that.

Dr. McKenzie:
I've had a great deal of success with hypnosis.

Jack O'Neill:
Hypnosis. You know, I'm not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff.

Samantha Carter:
[about Daniel's stuff] I wonder what they're gonna do with all this stuff.

Jack O'Neill:
Maybe give it to a museum. Or start one.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Memorial service?

Samantha Carter:
The Colonel said some really nice things.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
He - he did. He did?

[after Jack has broken a car window and General Hammond has calmed him down]

General Hammond:
You know that's my car, don't ya?

Jack O'Neill:
You should get that window fixed.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Thank you.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
You're welcome. Yeah, I was gonna say, "no sweat," but, there was definitely sweat involved. In Kvasir's case, I think it was perspiration.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
I'm not saying we should give up. I'll fight to my dying breath. I just think we need a new plan. A damn good one.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[floating in space, over radio to Mitchell] Ah... if you're thinking what I think your thinking, it won't work.

Vala Mal Doran:
And as your mother, you will listen to me, young lady. There will be no leading of these ships and armies on a mass-murdering crusade. Or else.

Vala Mal Doran:
She wanted me to give her a name

Daniel:
And?

Vala Mal Doran:
Adria. Told her it was my mother's

Daniel:
Not?

Vala Mal Doran:
Step-mother. Witch of a woman.

Daniel:
The more I get to know you, the more I understand.

Vala Mal Doran:
What?

Daniel:
Nothing.

Vala Mal Doran:
[talking about Adria] Oh, she's been genetically altered. She'll be a fully grown figurehead in a day or so. If she takes after her mother, she'll have a pretty good figure too.

Daniel:
This is bad.

Vala Mal Doran:
You're telling me. Origin is about to become a lot more appealing to the males of this galaxy

Major General Hank Landry:
You know, if I had salaries they pay those idiot blowhard politicians to put into my budget... I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

Vala Mal Doran:
Oh, I had a baby. You know, I never thought I'd agree with my father, but now I'm starting to remember about how he used to go on about you nurture them, and then you raise them, and you teach them the best that you can, and then all they do is break your hearts. I always assumed that his experience was just tainted by me.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What are you talking about?

Vala Mal Doran:
Well, she started of out all sweet and innocent to begin with, and now she's hell-bent on domination of the galaxy.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What? How old is she?

Vala Mal Doran:
A few hours!

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
So, we're outmatched in manpower, firepower, and technology. Do we have any sort of battle strategy, or are we just planning on dropping out of hyperspace and getting our asses kicked again?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Unfortunately, right now there is no war. In a war you've got two sides fighting. All we have is a lot of winning by the bad guys.

Samantha Carter:
Maybourne, you are an *idiot* every day of the week. Why couldn't you have just taken one day off?

Jack O'Neill:
Just rain. Much rain. Wind, lightning, hail... did I mention the rain, sir?

Jack O'Neill:
How's a needle in my butt gonna get water out of my ears?

[to a nurse with a needle]

Jack O'Neill:
Listen, really jam it in this time, okay?

Jack O'Neill:
We both know you can't stay away.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Then I guess we're both wrong, 'cause I'm gone.

Jack O'Neill:
Give it a week. You'll miss me.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Yes, all the salty, bad-tempered insults, all the illogical arguments...

Jack O'Neill:
Okay, you'll miss Carter and Teal'c.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Jack, up until now, everytime I set foot through that gate I was thinking about my wife. "Maybe I'll see her this time." "Maybe this is the one." Now, everytime I go through, it's - it'd just be some place... where that hope used to be.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Let's just say that there's something through the Stargate that I think I still have to be the one to find.

Jack O'Neill:
Now, see, I miss that. I have no idea what it means, but I buy it.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[quietly singing to himself, walks up to Major Carter prepping a telescope] Lots of interesting nebulous things going on?

Major Samantha Carter:
Yes, sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[takes off sunglasses and peers into telescope, pause] I don't see squat.

Major Samantha Carter:
Well, you wouldn't, sir... during the day. [Jack clears his throat] When the local sun sets and it gets dark, you can actually see a luminous layer of ionized gas around the dying core expanding.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Fascinating.

Major Samantha Carter:
You don't care?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Hey, I like gas as much as the next guy.

Jonas Quinn:
We're peaceful explorers, okay? We didn't come here to harm anybody.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Unless otherwise provoked.

Major Samantha Carter:
Besides, all we're really doing is plugging your ship into my battery.

Young Jack O'Neill:
[from outside] Thought I'd just drop by and say- Ow!

Security Force Officer:
[from outside] Sir, please do not resist.

Young Jack O'Neill:
[from outside] Hey, ease up, big guy!

Major Samantha Carter:
[to the pilots]... stay focused.

Security Force Officer:
[from outside] Relax, sir.

Young Jack O'Neill:
[from outside] Okay, I'm warning you...

Security Force Officer:
[from outside] Sir, please, stay there

Young Jack O'Neill:
[from outside] Didn't I just say I was warning you? Hey! Oh! All right! That's it! Now, I'm mad!

Major Samantha Carter:
[Sam opens the door to see the young Colonel O'neill pinned to a wall by two Security Force Officers] You can release him.

Young Jack O'Neill:
[the guards release him] I'll forgo the charges for assaulting a superior officer. Carter... I could've taken him.

Major Samantha Carter:
I'm sure

Major General George Hammond:
Would anyone care to speculate how a boy could be aware of our most classified information?

Major Samantha Carter:
Well, sir, it-it could be him.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
There is a physical resemblance.

Major General George Hammond:
But he can't be more than 15 years old. Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has somehow regressed more than 30 years overnight?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Stranger things have happened.

Teal'c:
Name but one.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, there was the time he got really old; the time he became a caveman; the time we all swapped bodies...

Young Jack O'Neill:
I don't get it. We helped save their skinny asses from the replicators and as a thanks they shrink me and leave me to die.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[the Asgard Loki has cloned O'Neill] Hey! We just saved your flat little white asses from the Replicators. This is the thanks we get?

Young Jack O'Neill:
Hey, at least you're gonna live.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[everyone looks at Young O'Neill] What?

Young Jack O'Neill:
Maybe you're a little put out, but this guy didn't hit all the right buttons on the Xerox.

[Hammond shows Carter the individual who tried to enter the SGC with O'Neill's security ID]

Major Samantha Carter:
He's a boy, sir.

Young Jack O'Neill:
As it turns out, Carter, yes I am. For the moment.

[the guard hands a mug to Young Jack]

Young Jack O'Neill:
Finally! [takes a sip] Hot chocolate? Are you kidding?

Young Jack O'Neill:
Look, last night, I ate some dinner, had a beer, went to bed and woke up like this. Now can we please just get to the part where you and Fraiser run some tests, find a cure, make me big again?

[Daniel walks into the holding room]

Young Jack O'Neill:
Daniel, will you tell them who I am? Please?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Okay, love to. Who are you?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What's goin' on?

Young Jack O'Neill:
Daniel!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Sounds like him. At least the loud, grating part.

Young Jack O'Neill:
Had your Tretonin yet this morning?

Teal'c:
[turning to the others] How could this child possess such knowledge?

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
There is a tiny abnormality, but for all intents and purposes, it's him.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Tiny abnormality, like the fact he's suddenly quite a few years younger than he's supposed to be?

Major General George Hammond:
In the meantime, I suggest we try to make him as comfortable as possible.

Major Samantha Carter:
I'll go set up a Playstation.

Young Jack O'Neill:
You know, ah, I think you two are enjoying this just a little too much.

Major Samantha Carter:
Well, you are kinda cute.

Young Jack O'Neill:
That's 'sir' to you, and being trapped inside a scrawny little body isn't my idea of cute, Carter.

Teal'c:
Do you not experience increased health and vitality?

Young Jack O'Neill:
My *vitality* was just fine, thank you.

Young Jack O'Neill:
I don't plan on staying like this.

Major Samantha Carter:
Well, in the meantime, may I make a suggestion? Try enjoying this as much as we are... sir.

Teal'c:
[looking in O'Neill's refrigerator] Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?

Young Jack O'Neill:
Hey, come one, that salsa's still good.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come out and say it.

Major Samantha Carter:
Well, sir, as you know, the Asgard depend on a cloning technology...

Young Jack O'Neill:
Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Teal'c:
You have been cloned, O'Neill.

Young Jack O'Neill:
[turning to face them] What!

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
How long was I asleep?

Major Samantha Carter:
Seven days.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
That's a record.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a... mini me.

Young Jack O'Neill:
[to room full of Air Force pilots] I realize it doesn't actually say "Colonel" anywhere on my uniform, but it should. [Carter nods to room in agreement]

Jack O'Neill:
D'oh!

Teal'c:
What is it, O'Neill?

Jack O'Neill:
I forgot to tape The Simpsons! [Teal'c blinks] It's important to me.

Robert Kinsey:
You want me to wear a wire?

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
That's the deal.

Robert Kinsey:
I am not a spy.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
Think of this this way. If you don't do what they want, they'll kill you. If you don't do what we want... we'll let 'em.

Robert Kinsey:
You want to take down the Trust. I can help you.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
I'm sorry, I must have missed an episode. I thought you guys were working together.

[Anubis raises his hand to activate the weapon]

Daniel Jackson:
Stop!

[Her'ak fires his staff weapon at Daniel but the blast passes through him. Anubis rises from his throne]

Anubis:
Stop me, if you can. [Daniel raises his hands and they start to glow] Strike me down! Do it now or I will destroy Abydos!

[Daniel raises his hands higher and directs the energy at Anubis. It appears to be blown back as Anubis raises his hand to defend himself]

Daniel Jackson:
No! Don't do this!

[Daniel is spirited away. Her'ak looks terrified]

Her'ak:
[to Anubis] You are indeed all-powerful, my lord.

Anubis:
What you just saw was not my doing. [Her'ak seems confused. Anubis once again sits down] However, this is!

[he activates the weapon; it focuses on Abydos; a beam of energy is directed at the pyramid]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
So... you seeing anybody?

Skaara:
[laughs] Maybe.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Really? It serious?

Skaara:
[chuckles] We are betrothed.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Trust me, that's serious. Congratulations.

Skaara:
Thank you.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I assume my invitation got lost in the mail, or...

Skaara:
I wanted to ask you to shal'oki. [sees that Jack is completely oblivious] To stand beside me.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[looks uncomfortable] Just... during the ceremony, right?

Skaara:
Yes, yes.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I'd be honored.

Skaara:
Will you be coming to my wedding alone?

[Major Carter approaches]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Uhmmm... I assume Carter's invited, too?

Skaara:
Of course! [looks at both O'Neill and Carter] Will you be coming together?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
As in...?

Major Samantha Carter:
Friends, going to a wedding.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Ah! Yes. Sure! [pause] Jonas.

[walks off, as Skaara and Carter grin]

Her'ak:
[Anubis's Jaffa have SG-1 cornered] Surrender or die.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[leans his head out] What?

Her'ak:
[louder] Surrender or die!

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I was just gonna say the exact same thing!

Her'ak:
O'Neill, of SG-1.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[Carter looks at O'Neill, pause, O'Neill looks around and grins] Hey! How ya' doin? You'll have to forgive me. I'm terrible with names. What was- [Jaffa fires a staff weapon and hits the wall next to O'Neill] Geez!

Her'ak:
I am Her'ak.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Congratulations. Failing upwards I see.

Her'ak:
You have no choice!

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Actually, I do! I've got the eye. And about a pound of very powerful explosive stuck to it! Give us clear access to the Gate, or I'll blow it up.

Her'ak:
Yourself along with it?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[Carter looks at O'Neill] What's your point?

[the elevator Jack's in has shut down and Daniel has appeared behind him]

Daniel Jackson:
Jack, Abydos is in trouble. Anubis is on his way. He's after the Eye of Ra. I have that replica Catherine gave me, it looks like this. Now, I'm pretty sure the real one is located in some secret chamber in Ra's pyramid on Abydos, but I'm not sure where exactly. According to legend, there were six eyes including those held by Apophis, Osiris, and Tiamat among others . Each is powerful on its own. Now if you use them in combination it increases that power tenfold. Recently, Anubis has managed to track down five of the six eyes, and only needs Ra's to complete the set. He's looked everywhere Ra used to hang out except Abydos, now he's on his way there.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I was sure that was an Asprin I took this morning.

Daniel Jackson:
Jack it's really me. It's me. You have to help. You have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. I mean keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever. It doesn't matter. We don't have much time.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Hey, Daniel. How you doin'? Long time. How are things in the higher planes?

Daniel Jackson:
[turns his back on Jack, very aggravated, then turns back around] Hey, Jack. Long time, no see. How-how-how you doin'?

Jonas Quinn:
Did he tell you where we can find the eye?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Uh, he doesn't know.

Major Samantha Carter:
He doesn't know?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I know! Personally, I think this whole "ascension" thing is a bit overrated.

Daniel Jackson:
Is that my stuff?

Jonas Quinn:
You weren't using it anymore.

Anubis:
I know who you are, Daniel Jackson, but you know not who I am.

Major Samantha Carter:
The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn't keep his deal with Daniel.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
That's a shock, eh?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Well, spank me rosy.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
We need the Asgard to send us a disrupter satellite as soon as possible.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
I've already talked to him. He'll be there in thirty minutes, or it's free.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Samantha, I'm a figment of your imagination. You're gonna call me *sir*?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Teal'c and Daniel say 'hi'. Um, they're planning a little bit of a shindig for when you're up and around. There's talk of cake.

Major Samantha Carter:
A cake?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
My idea.

Major Samantha Carter:
Thank you, sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
For what?

Major Samantha Carter:
Nothing.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Think *nothing* of it. I've got plenty of that.

Major Samantha Carter:
[to Jack, in her dream] As long as I'm thinking about you, setting my sights on what I think is unattainable, there's no chance of being hurt by someone else.

Major Samantha Carter:
Came to give me a pep talk?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
That's what friends are for.

Major Samantha Carter:
Friends...

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Hey, this is you talking here. Might as well be honest.

Major Samantha Carter:
What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?

Teal'c:
You are like a brother to me, O'Neill.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
You're like, what... 140?

Teal'c:
A younger brother perhaps, but that is not my point.

Daniel Jackson:
Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.

Jack O'Neill:
Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?

Daniel Jackson:
In a manner of speaking.

Samantha Carter:
[after knocking Hammond unconscious] Yeah, my career is over.

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
Don't worry about it. I can fix him up as good as new when this thing's over.

Samantha Carter:
Great, so he can bring me up on charges.

Jack O'Neill:
Is mental illness contagious?

Samantha Carter:
Why do I feel like I'm in a women behind bars movie?

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
Be the girl!

Cameron Balinsky:
[SG-13 discovers Ancient built ruins] Oh, Dr. Jackson is gonna die when he sees this.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
What, again?

Cameron Balinsky:
Funny.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers... you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don't suffocate 'em in their sleep.

Senior Airman Simon Wells:
Sir, you have *four* kids.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my job so much? Don't get me wrong, I love the little buggers to death, but trust me, havin' four kids makes going through a Stargate and facin' off against alien bad guys look like nothin'. This is relaxing.

Senior Airman Simon Wells:
Then why'd you have four?

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you gotta have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much worse than two", right? What you don't realize is your brain is fried 'cause you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it, nothin' seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just tryin' to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have left tryin' to get 'em into bed only to lie awake prayin' they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.

Senior Airman Simon Wells:
Can't wait, sir.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Well, I don't see any indication of anything here.

Cameron Balinsky:
Take the usual bet on that, sir?

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Sure. Wells?

Senior Airman Simon Wells:
Abandoned naquadah mine.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Boring. Good odds. Bosworth?

Senior Airman Jake Bosworth:
I'm gonna put my money on trees, sir.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.

Senior Airman Simon Wells:
Hostile or friendly, sir?

Colonel Dave Dixon:
One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?

Cameron Balinsky:
Oh, ruins of an ancient city.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Yeah, you wish.

Major Samantha Carter:
So you do your interview with the documentary crew yet?

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Major Samantha Carter:
You know, I have to admit, I can't wait to hear what everyone else said.

Teal'c:
I did not say much.

Major Samantha Carter:
Really? That is surprising. It's usually so hard to shut you up.

Cameron Balinsky:
Look at this place, it's incredible!

Colonel Dave Dixon:
Yeah, you seen one crumbled city...

Cameron Balinsky:
This place was built by the ancients.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
You sure?

Cameron Balinsky:
Yes, these markings and this stone architecture... Dr Jackson is going to die when he sees this.

Colonel Dave Dixon:
What, again?

Emmett Bregman:
Colonel, you know I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Fire away. I hope shots of my [behind] serve you well.

Emmett Bregman:
Why is that camera off? You don't know what you're doing here. Maybe *I* know what I'm doing here! These people are risking their lives for us. I wanna *see* what they're going through even if they don't want us to. And I want other people to see it! What do you think they're doing out there? Protecting and defending secrecy? That's a world of-of Mao, the world of Stalin, a world of-of secret police, secret trials, secret-secret deaths. You force the press into the cold and all you will get is lies and innuendo. And *nothing*, nothing is worse for a free society than a press that is-that is in-in service to the-to the military and the politicians. Nothing! You turn that camera off when I tell you to turn it off! You think I give a damn what you think about me? You serve the people? So do I!

Emmett Bregman:
You know, I, uh... I once did a piece on this war photographer. His name was Martin Kristofski. For about six months, he was with a unit in Vietnam. And the day before he was scheduled to leave - the *day* before, he's out with the unit. And it was just a routine patrol, or so they thought. But suddenly, a Lieutenant pulled him down. And Kristofski - he hadn't intended to take a picture at that moment, but his hands were on the camera and he hit the ground so hard that it just went off. And the picture captured the Lieutenant getting shot in the head. And Kristofski said to me, he said, "Well, that-that bullet would've hit me, *should've* hit me." And he *never* showed that picture to *anyone*, not for 25 years. But 25 years later, he got up one morning, and he looked at that picture, and he saw something that wasn't horrific, and he decided to tell the story, because he realized that he hadn't accidentally taken a picture of a man dying. It was of a man saving his life.

Emmett Bregman:
I just, uh, came by to, uh, give this back to you. I'm not gonna use it.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Wait. I want you to. [pause] You know I died in this room? Ascended. Doctor Fraiser did everything she could. I mean, she went three days without sleep. Even in the end, she didn't wanna let me go. I owed her a lot more than I ever gave back. I thought a lot about what you said about, uh, Kristofsky. I think this shows what Janet Fraiser was all about.

Emmett Bregman:
Me too.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I want other people to know.

[Carter's Mem. Service Speech]

Major Samantha Carter:
Janet Frasier was an extraordinary person. She was kind and funny and talented. Above all, she was courageous. Try as I might, I could not find the words to honor her. To do justice to her life. Thankfully, I got some help. While words alone may not be enough, there are some names that might do. We often talk about those that give their lives in the service of their country. And while Janet Frasier did just that, that's not what her life was about. The following are the names of the men and women who did not die in service, but who are in fact alive today because of Janet. Major Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, Colonel Jack O'Neill, Teal'c, Sergeant Connie Smith,Major Ian Hules, Senior Airman Simon Wells. . .

[voice over for the documentary]

Jack O'Neill:
[Testing to see if Machello really is Daniel] All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.

Daniel Jackson/Machello:
I don't have a sister, Jack. And if I did I wouldn't let you near her.

Jack O'Neill:
[as Teal'c] It did not go well, General Hammond.

Teal'c:
[as Jack; sarcastically] Ya think?

Jack O'Neill:
What's your situation?

Daniel Jackson:
I'm hiding. What's yours?

Jack O'Neill:
Carter and I are on the planet.

Daniel Jackson:
You're gonna have to be a little more specific, Jack. I haven't had a chance to look out a window lately.

Jack O'Neill:
You're hovering over Jonas' home world.

Daniel Jackson:
Why?

Jack O'Neill:
I wish I knew. Are you in any immediate danger?

Daniel Jackson:
Eh, depends what you mean by immediate.

Jack O'Neill:
Daniel.

Daniel Jackson:
I'm fine. I got a location on Jonas' cell from the ship's computer. I'm on my way there right now. I just gotta couple of problems.

Jack O'Neill:
Like what?

Daniel Jackson:
Well, I'm not sure how to shut off the force field protecting his cell, yet.

Jack O'Neill:
You said a couple?

Daniel Jackson:
Yeah, actually, I'm a little lost at the moment. And I've only got about, uh, three hours left before the Tok'ra isotope wears off and I'm visible to the ships sensors.

Jack O'Neill:
So business as usual then, huh?

Daniel Jackson:
I dunno. Is it?

Jack O'Neill:
Yes, we do this kinda thing all the time.

Daniel Jackson:
Oh well, good. That's-that's comforting, then.

Daniel Jackson:
[Daniel Jackson has just found Jonas, who is being held in a cell by Anubis] Jonas!

Jonas Quinn:
What happened?

Daniel Jackson:
I don't know.

Jonas Quinn:
Whatever it was, there's not enough power to maintain the force fields. [touches flickering force field guarding the cell, is stung by force field] Ah!

Daniel Jackson:
You okay?

Jonas Quinn:
That hurt.

Daniel Jackson:
Arm?

Jonas Quinn:
A little numb. [gauges force field] I think I can make it.

Daniel Jackson:
Well, you better... I don't wanna have to take you outta here in a dustpan.

Jonas Quinn:
[has just been freed from Anubis' ship by Daniel] Okay, how do we get off this thing?

Daniel Jackson:
Cargo ship.

Jonas Quinn:
Which way?

Daniel Jackson:
[facing three hallways] Uhhhhhhhhhh... [points at first two before choosing the third] This way!

Jonas Quinn:
You sure?

Daniel Jackson:
Nope!

Jonas Quinn:
Right!

Ba'al:
How dare you judge your god? The Shol'va has poisoned your mind.

Teal'c:
Clearly Lord Ba'al is not interested.

Oshu:
We should contact one of the other system lords.

Teal'c:
Mm. Perhaps Bastet.

Oshu:
Hmm.

Jonas Quinn:
Don't get me wrong. I love the job.

Daniel Jackson:
Well, yeah, who could argue? I mean, lousy hours, constant peril.

Daniel Jackson:
[Daniel and Jonas hug the wall] That should be the cargo bay. [the sound of Jaffa marching can be heard and Daniel and Jonas look down the hall before hiding again] And those would be all the Jaffa going to the cargo bay that's just down the hall.

Soren:
Those who refuse to believe needed to be purged from existance...

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
Daniel, we're always sticking our collective noses where they don't belong. It's what we do.

Teal'c:
[Daniel is laying on the gateroom's floor after Teal'c just shot him with a zat gun] Are you injured?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Dumb question. [small pause] But thank you. I think.

Teal'c:
You are welcome.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Just don't ever do that again.

President Hayes:
Now I have to call the ex-president of Togo. And when I'm done, apparently, the rest of the world is coming to an end.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
What do you think, sir?

Vala Mal Doran:
I say we give it a go.

Major General Hank Landry:
Remind me to give you a primer on the meaning of the word 'sir.'

Major General Hank Landry:
Are you sure you want to bring her along on this one?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Jackson says she'll be useful. Now's her chance to prove it.

Major General Hank Landry:
But Dr. Jackson isn't here, and it seems to me, he's the only one she ever listens to.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Yeah. Some of the time.

Major General Hank Landry:
You don't think you can control her?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
No, I know I can't control her, but that's pretty much par for the course. Sir... Carter and I are the same rank, Teal'c's an alien, Jackson's a civilian. I learned a long time ago I don't control anything.

Major General Hank Landry:
Who does?

Agent Malcolm Barrett:
I understand you got yourself a few extra Ba'als.

Captain:
It's not a competition.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Says you.

Ba'al:
It's the clones. They want me dead.

Teal'c:
That would make all of us.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Chief, got a full count. Two strikes, three Ba'als.

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
[chuckles] That's-that's clever, sir.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[to Ba'al] Right now, you do not strike me as someone who could intimidate a 10-year-old out of his lunch money, much less run an interstellar empire.

Ba'al:
What do you want, Qetesh?

Vala Mal Doran:
Is that any way to greet an old friend?

Ba'al:
Is that what we were?

Vala Mal Doran:
I'll admit we had our differences.

Ba'al:
You attacked my fleet at Selenis, crippled my flagship, and killed 10,000 of my best Jaffa.

Vala Mal Doran:
So I did. But it was nothing personal.

[Bra'tac, Teal'c and General Hammond are looking for, and find, an "old style" death glider]

Teal'c:
There is an old Jaffa saying, General Hammond: They do not build them as they once did.

Colonel Makepeace:
How's the leg? Can you walk?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
It's just a deep, bleeding gash, but it'll be fine.

[the enemy thinks O'Neill is a Goa'uld. He walks towards the enemy standing by the gate]

Jack O'Neill:
Jaffa. Kree!

Major General Trofsky:
[Speaks a sentence of Goa'uld vernacular]

Jack O'Neill:
You heard me. I said, "Kree!"

Jack O'Neill:
Our beloved Hathor is dead.

Major General Trofsky:
What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, okay. Ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this. She's gone. She is no more. She's... Well let's face it, she's a former queen.

Teal'c:
Fire!

Major General George Hammond:
[in full Texas drawl] Yeeee Haaaa!

Teal'c:
False god. Dead false god.

Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne:
I guess, uh, congratulations are in order. You made general.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
You made king.

Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne:
Right. Well, it's, uh, not a contest.

[about to start up a ship with a time machine]

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
How do we know we're not gonna end up back at the Alamo?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Uh, well for one thing, that was on Earth.

Teal'c:
It is quite a distance from the village.

Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne:
I enjoy long walks.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[smirking] Right, long walks, rainy nights, and [with heavy sarcasm] candle lit dinners.

Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne:
You should try one of these. It called, uh...

Garan:
Ojun fruit.

Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne:
Right. It's sort of a cross between a guava and a mango.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Sort of a "guango"?

Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne:
I like that! People, henceforth ojun fruit shall be called guango. So shall it be! [the people cheer and applaud] I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
[after being captured for the umpteenth time] God I miss goin' offworld.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You said "Hell," right?

Jack O'Neill:
Well, I'm gonna end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?

Jack O'Neill:
By all means... To Hell with us.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
My lungs are burning.

Jack O'Neill:
Well, at least it's a dry heat.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
He's Sokar's eyes and ears here.

Jack O'Neill:
Well, *eye* and ears.

Jacob Carter/Selmak:
He ensures there are no uprisings.

Jack O'Neill:
Keeps the conditions livable.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Yeah, you would think that a race smart enough to fly around in space would be smart enough to have seat belts.

Jacob Carter:
I just prefer not to crash.

Jack O'Neill:
So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Merrin:
Yes.

Jack O'Neill:
How old are you?

Merrin:
I'm eleven. How old are you?

Jack O'Neill:
So... Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Jack O'Neill:
Okay, uh... fun is what you do to make yourself happy, like music, games. It's whatever you do when you're not learning to be a Rocket Scientist.

Merrin:
I am here to teach Major Carter about the reactor.

Major Samantha Carter:
sounds like fun to me.

Jack O'Neill:
I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

Daniel:
Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm crazy? I mean I'm dangerous, I'm out of control? It's 'cause I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?

Teal'c:
Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I dare you to say that again.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
We're gonna try a little disappearing act, here. Please remember to keep your arms and legs inside the village at all times until we come to a complete and final stop. [the villagers look confused] Blank stares work, too.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Coffee!

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Oh, thank you.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Don't get too excited. They packed us decaf by mistake.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
D'oh!

Tomin:
Why are you still wearing the clothes of a blasphemer?

Vala Mal Doran:
If I put on this dress and say "hallowed are the Ori" will you stop mass murdering innocent people?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[after Carter was shot] Look, I've been thinking...

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
No!

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Yeah, I know, dangerous stuff.

Colonel Alexi Vaselov:
How is he? Dr Jackson. Dr Brightman told me what happened.

Teal'c:
His condition is improving.

Colonel Alexi Vaselov:
Good.

Teal'c:
And your condition?

Colonel Alexi Vaselov:
Not so good. But not so bad as the time I went drinking with General Dashkevich in Novgorod. That was worse headache.

Major Samantha Carter:
And then it will overwhelm his nervous system, and the colonel will...

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushin' up daisies here and there?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Wanna glass? I can wash one.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Is that doughnuts?

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[impersonating Mr. Burns] Ex-cellent!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. I mean, he's *so* deep. Go on, t-tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you understand this.

Teal'c:
[lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Ooh! See?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
No more beer for you.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[Hammond has accepted O'Neill's offer of beer] I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for... food.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[about the president and vice-president] Does anyone know anyone who voted for those two shrubs?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Is that a-a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Subtle, huh?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I've been awake all weekend. I-I... The reality of this is-is-is... It's an adrenaline rush.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!

[Bra'tac comes to the SGC]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She's the new leader of this facility.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
[extends her hand] Hello.

Master Bra'tac:
[concerned] Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
No, sir. He's-he's fine.

[Anubis is planning to attack in three days]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Three days from now's a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I understand time is short.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Actually, it's all relative, ma'am. Carter could explain better if we had more time.

[Jack has filled a crossword with Ancient words]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Jack, this is it.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Now see, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Following still you not!

Major Samantha Carter:
[Takes a folded up crossword puzzle from Jack] The fate of the world is hanging in the balance and you've been sitting in your truck finishing this?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I believe it was double or nothing.

Major Samantha Carter:
OK, 23 across, the atomic weight of Boron. The answer is ten.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yes?

Major Samantha Carter:
You wrote the word 'fat.'

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Your point?

[Dr. Weir puts down a file and looks out the briefing room window into the gate room, seemingly in deep thought. Daniel Jackson walks in, notices her gaze at the stargate, waits a moment, then speaks]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Amazing, isn't it?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I don't really care!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Okay.

Major Samantha Carter:
[Daniel suspects that Jack has just completed a crossword puzzle using the Ancient's language, and Sam is studying it] The clue for 7 down is 'celestial body', and he wrote 'Uma Thurman'.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[in a content voice, smiling] Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
[over the telephone with the president] Prometheus can't win against an entire Goa'uld fleet, but it could buy SG-1 enough time to complete their mission.

Vice President Robert Kinsey:
Mr. President, that is downright insane! I am relieving Dr. Wier and taking command of this facility!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
[interrupts] Sir, from what I've looked at...

President Hayes:
Will you shut the hell up!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I'm sorry, sir.

President Hayes:
Not you, Doctor.

Vice President Robert Kinsey:
Excuse me?

President Hayes:
Consider your resignation accepted, Bob.

Vice President Robert Kinsey:
You can't do that!

President Hayes:
Oh please! I got enough on you to have ya shot.

Vice President Robert Kinsey:
This is the biggest mistake you will ever make.

President Hayes:
But I think I'll stick with my original thought which is shut the hell up!

Vice President Robert Kinsey:
I promise, you will only live to regret this! [exits the room]

President Hayes:
Go ahead Doctor Weir.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink in the kitchen.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Is that a joke?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Perhaps. A bad one.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yes, very bad. But I sense hope for you.

Anubis:
I am Anubis.

President Hayes:
[steps forward] You've got to be kidding!

Anubis:
You are the leader of this world?

President Hayes:
Henry Hayes, President of the United States of America, one nation among many.

Anubis:
No more. Bow before your god.

President Hayes:
[laughing] I don't think so! However, I am willing to discuss your surrender.

Anubis:
If you possessed weapons matching mine, you would have used them.

President Hayes:
Don't let the suit fool you, fella. We're gonna fight.

Anubis:
You bring destruction upon yourselves.

President Hayes:
[pointedly] Never going to happen.

[the Anubis hologram disappears and President Hayes turns around to face the others]

President Hayes:
Too much?

Major Samantha Carter:
What's eight down?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Um...label. With those empty spaces I think the answer is supposed to be identification. Thirteen across is sphere. Jack, this is it.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Now, see I assume we still speak the same language...mostly.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Sphere...planet. Label...name.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Following...still...you...not!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Praclarush taonas. I...I think you wrote the name of the planet we will find the Lost City in the crossword.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Bit of a jump?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Why else would you do that?

Major Samantha Carter:
The clue for seven down is "celestial body" and he wrote Uma Thurman.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Yes!

Samantha Carter:
The clue for seven-down is "celestial body" and he wrote Uma Thurman.

Jack O'Neill:
Yes.

Master Bra'tac:
I believe he wishes us to take off our boots.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, look, uh, we've been walking a ways today...

Monk:
Your journey is only begun.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, I'm just sayin', I think I'm doin' us all a big favor by keepin' these babies on.

Monk:
Lightning flashes, sparks shower, in one blink of your eyes you've mis-seen.

Jack O'Neill:
Lightning you say?

Monk:
I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.

Jack O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Jack...

Jack O'Neill:
No, I - You know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted!

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
The monk is just someone who's sort of taken up a curatorship.

Jack O'Neill:
Kind of a janitor?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
More of a guide.

Jack O'Neill:
An usher?

Jack O'Neill:
[about Apophis] Somebody's gotta teach that guy how to die.

Monk:
If you immediately know the candle light is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.

Monk:
I cannot teach you what you already know.

Jack O'Neill:
Oh, I don't think I know as much as you think I know.

Jack O'Neill:
Daniel?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Yeah?

Jack O'Neill:
Shoes.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Have ya looked around?

Samantha Carter:
[talking about fixing the hyperdrive buffer] It's like a... a light bulb that's burned out. You can't just fix it.

Jack O'Neill:
Do we... have any extra bulbs?

Colonel William Ronson:
There is no redundancy for that particular system.

Jack O'Neill:
So, you're saying there's no redundancy?

[Teal'c who's zoned out by now, looks back at O'Neill at that repetition]

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[shirtless and handcuffed to the bed, surrounded by the junk food] This, uh... isn't what it looks like.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Nothin'. I just think it's funny how you're always losing your pants.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
I'm not always losing my pants. It's happened twice. Twice is not always.

Vala Mal Doran:
I don't mind telling you, I've been looking forward to this little date all week.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I wouldn't exactly call it a 'date'. It's...

Vala Mal Doran:
Oh, I've watched enough of your television to know what a date is, Daniel. It's a romantic event typified by dinner, movie and/or karaoke and, usually, culminating in a night of...

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Okay, this is definitely not a date. It's, it's two friends and coworkers out for dinner.

Vala Mal Doran:
[Vala looks disappointed] Oh.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
A member of this facility gets kidnapped unchallenged, it's no wonder he doesn't think we can protect him.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
But we can protect him.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Yeah, by locking him away for the rest of his life.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
What can you say? There's a downside to working for supervillains.

Sal:
So, how was lunch?

Vala Mal Doran:
Delicious.

Sal:
Delicious enough to pay for?

Vala Mal Doran:
Yes. If I had the money, I would certainly have paid for that meal and given the lovely waitress a sizable gratuity. The service was impeccable.

Sal:
Look, lady, everybody's got problems. I got rent on this place, a mortgage, a wife, three kids, and a Shih Tzu with a recurring gastrointestinal condition that requires a very specialized diet. Alright?

Vala Mal Doran:
I'm sorry for trying to cheat you.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You know when Vala first disappeared, when the Ori gate was destroyed, I refused to write her off. Although the odds were against it, I believed somehow she'd found a way to survive. And it turned out I was right. I want to be right again.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Look, since you're part of the team maybe you should think about...

Vala Mal Doran:
Won't be long. [Vala leaves]

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
...trusting me? Or uncuffing me? Or giving me my pants back?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Okay, I think I've figured out what happened to you, why you don't remember anything.

Vala Mal Doran:
Oh, good. Does it involve an alien abduction?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Well, in as much as that you're an alien who was abducted, yes.

SG-3 Leader:
Colonel, you said to look for anything uncharacteristic of the indigenous technology.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
*I* would never say anything like that, Major.

Major Samantha Carter:
Maybe she has some sort of programming that prevents her from acknowledging she's anything but human.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Robot denial?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Looks that way.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Has it occurred to anyone that this thing may have been laying around that planet for quite some time and that maybe it's broken? Or perhaps it never worked right in the first place.

Major Samantha Carter:
So you think we should just shut her down?

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Oh, I don't know. Let's ask the man who just had his head cracked open.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I don't think she meant to hurt me, I just don't think she liked what I was saying.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
I don't like most of what you say but I try to resist the urge to shove you through a wall.

Oma Desala:
[talking about ascension] Many roads lead to the great path. Only the willing will find their way.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Okay, well I'm willing. So let's go. I mean, you know, do your thing. Glow me.

[talking to a dying Daniel Jackson]

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
Because despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have... might have, um, grown to admire you, a little. I think.

Oma Desala:
The Universe is vast and we are so small. There is really only one thing we can ever truly control.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
What's that?

Oma Desala:
Whether we are good or evil.

Teal'c:
The symbiote I carry appears to protect me.

Jack O'Neill:
Way to go, Junior!

Samantha Carter:
If Daniel's right, this artifact has been doing this since Neanderthals were still a dominant species on Earth.

Jack O'Neill:
Ah, that takes me back.

Jack O'Neill:
Teal'c, you don't have to stick around.

Teal'c:
Undomesticated equines could not remove me.

Jack O'Neill:
Wild horses, Teal'c.

Samantha Carter:
You think it might be a booby trap?

Teal'c:
Booby?

Major Samantha Carter:
Jonas, you are such a chickensh...

[alarms start going off]

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We don't know where it is now, but we do know where it was: Giza, 3000 B.C.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
You can't be serious.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
It's the only way.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
What?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
No, we agreed.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill:
If I have to say "what" one more time, heads are gonna roll!

[in an alternate timeline, Carter is practicing a speech]

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[as Dr. Carter] Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't- God that's horrible! Who would ever say that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
...introduce yourself and talk about the weather.

Student:
[stands up] Hello, my name is Carlos. You make me so hot.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Okay...

[versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have travelled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C. where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]

Daniel Jackson:
Well, this can't be a good sign.

Jack O'Neill:
Why's that?

Daniel Jackson:
Where am I?

Jack O'Neill:
Ancient Egypt?

Daniel Jackson:
No, I mean the me from your timeline.

Teal'c:
I killed you.

Daniel Jackson:
Why?

Teal'c:
You were a Goa'uld spy.

Daniel Jackson:
Good reason.

Sam Carter:
It was horrible.

Daniel Jackson:
[not really interested] Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?

Jack O'Neill:
Yes, excellent question.

Daniel Jackson:
You don't know?

Jack O'Neill:
Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realized I... didn't.

Daniel Jackson:
Well, I know why *I'm* here.

Jack O'Neill:
Good! Let's start there.

Sam Carter:
[studdering nervously] I'm-I'm kind of attracted to Daniel.

Jack O'Neill:
[long pause with blank expression then incredulously] What? [long pause while stepping closer and then again incredulously] Really?

Jack O'Neill:
How's it goin'?

Sam Carter:
Never seen this kind of technology before.

Jack O'Neill:
Hey, you're supposed to be a genius. That's why I brought you along.

Sam Carter:
I'm working on it. I think the power relay was overloaded. I may be able to reroute the circuit to the control interface...

[pauses and sees Jack staring at her]

Sam Carter:
What?

Jack O'Neill:
It's just a little weird hearing that kind of stuff come out of someone so...

Sam Carter:
[apparently taking offence at what she thinks Jack is about to say] So what?

Jack O'Neill:
Hot.

Sam Carter:
[chokes, then stutters] Really?

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah.

Sam Carter:
[pauses] Wow. Um... it's just... you-you're not the kind of guy that I usually attract.

Jack O'Neill:
No?

Sam Carter:
No.

[sputters]

Sam Carter:
Heh, God. Wow. This is kinda awkward.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, it's gettin' there.

Sam Carter:
I'm kinda... attracted to-to Daniel.

Jack O'Neill:
[long pause] What?

[Sam shrugs, he pauses again; then incredulously]

Jack O'Neill:
Really?

Sam Carter:
Sorry.

Jack O'Neill:
No, that's okay, no problem there, I just, you know... first impressions, I thought he was...

[he pauses, Sam looks confused, he does hand motion for "gay," but sees Sam doesn't understand]

Jack O'Neill:
Nevermind.

Sam Carter:
Didn't that tape say there were no fish in your pond?

Jack O'Neill:
Close enough.

Sam Carter:
Look, if we don't make it... [kisses Jack]

Jack O'Neill:
[angrily] Wait a minute! You said you liked Daniel.

Sam Carter:
I lied.

Lieutenant General George Hammond:
I'm allowing the use of this ship because of the obvious tactical advantage it provides you. Under no circumstances is it to be used to travel through time. Understood?

Jack O'Neill:
Yes, sir.

Lieutenant General George Hammond:
Never in my life would I have imagined giving that order.

Daniel Jackson:
Wait a minute. I thought the reason why we brought the ship was so that we didn't have to walk.

Sam Carter:
You can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.

Jack O'Neill:
Meaning *shut up*!

Apophis:
Who are you?

Daniel Jackson:
Name's Daniel Jackson. Uh, if you give me back my eyeglasses, I could actually see you.

Teal'c:
He claims he's of the Tau'ri.

Daniel Jackson:
You weren't supposed to tell him that.

Apophis:
The Tau'ri have no Chaapa'ai.

Daniel Jackson:
Oh! Sorry, guess I was wrong. I'm-I'm sure your information is correct and - In fact, I'm usually quite wrong, quite unreliable actually. I'm - To be honest with you, I'm-I'm insane.

Apophis:
Speak! [pause while Daniel doesn't speak] Bring him. [Teal'c hauls him forward] I think there is much you can tell me.

Daniel Jackson:
Well, if you wanna know about the early settlements of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert...

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Hammond] I give this no more than a 50/50 chance of working.

Lieutenant General George Hammond:
According to the tape, it worked for eight years.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Hm.

Daniel Jackson:
[wormhole is established] Wow.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Well, I'm certainly glad it's not me going through that... um... thing.

Jack O'Neill:
Any idea what to expect?

Sam Carter:
Not really. According to the tape, we're going to be de-molecularized, transmitted over two thousand light-years through subspace, and then, uh, remolecularized on the other side.

Major Charles Kawalsky:
I did not need to know that.

Jack O'Neill:
OK.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
Gateship 1, you're go for launch.

Jack O'Neill:
Gate ship?

Daniel Jackson:
[with hand gesture] Well, it's a ship that goes through the gate.

Jack O'Neill:
[somewhat reluctantly] Alright.

Dr. Rodney McKay:
[to Hammond] What? It's a ship that goes through the gate. Gateship. [pause] Well, I thought it was clever.

Sam Carter:
Look, if we don't make it... [kisses Jack]

Jack O'Neill:
Wait a minute! I thought you liked Daniel.

Sam Carter:
I lied. I just wanted to get to know you better. You see, I'm a very cautious person, and I tend to take things- [Jack interrupts, kissing her]

Daniel Jackson:
[into the radio] Sam, Jack, it's all clear. You can come out now.

Jack O'Neill:
[into the radio] In a minute. [turns back to Sam. Daniel flicks his eyes nervously, viewing the celebration; Jack resumes kissing Sam]

Sam Carter:
[muffled, after something in the ship sends out sparks] I can fix that.

Sam Carter:
[Takes gun extended to her] I don't really Like Guns.

Jack O'Neill:
Neither do I, how do you feel about explosives?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Unfortunately, what we didn't get were any corresponding gate addresses, and the process of going through that library page by page looking for clues could have potentially taken years. So I knew we were gonna have to narrow the search parameters a little. That's when it hit me. Sir Gawain.

Cameron Mitchell:
Wasn't he one of the knights who says "Ni"?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I got it! I made the connection. Sir Gawain to Gwalchmei, Culhwch, and Olwen. Verus Gen Bree.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
[to Cameron] And you say *I'm* hard to understand.

Major General Hank Landry:
Mr. Woolsey's offer was part of the test. We wanted to make sure we could trust you.

Vala Mal Doran:
I knew that. But were his sexual advances part of the test?

Richard Woolsey:
What? That's- General, I-I can assure you...

Vala Mal Doran:
Well, I would have even considered playing along, but some of his requests were, well, a little unusual, even for me.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
This place is deader than a Texas salad bar.

Vala Mal Doran:
Question two: "You are in the desert. You see a tortoise lying on his back in the hot sun. You recognize his plight but do nothing to help. Why?" Hmm. Why? [Thinks, then writes] Because... you... are... also... a tortoise.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Compliments of Doctor Lam. We have dextroampheta-something, moto-whatchamacallit, uh, caffeine pills, and good old fashioned coffee. [Grimsby grabs a handful of caffeine pills and starts taking them] Go easy there, Grimsby!

Grimsby:
How long you been awake for?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
I dunno. What, twenty four hours?

Grimsby:
Yeah, talk to me when you get to forty.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
I am starting to regret staying up late to watch Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo last night. Check that, I regretted it almost immediately.

Sam Carter:
Sir, I think it has something to do with the Goa'uld that invaded me. Lately I - I get this weird feeling when I'm near Teal'c.

Jack O'Neill:
Hey, who doesn't?

[SG-1 has been made slaves in a mine]

Jack O'Neill:
You know, I've seen an awful lot of union violations around here. I should probably speak to your supervisor.

Sam Carter:
[Daniel returns to the mines in royal robes after being healed, visiting the remaining SG1 members who presume him dead] Hi guys Daniel Ow... wow... surprisingly difficult to kill you isn't it? We are pleased to see you Daniel Jackson

Jack O'Neill:
You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought that when one got some leave, one actually *left*.

Thor:
The Replicators were brought aboard an Asgard ship, for study, before the danger could be fully comprehended.

Jack O'Neill:
We do that all the time. Kind of expected more from you guys.

Teal'c:
[as he steps out into space] One small step for Jaffa...

Jack O'Neill:
[Daniel has just gotten his appendix removed] Can I see your scar?

Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.:
No.

Commander Rigar:
Let us talk about your friend in the woods.

Jack O'Neill:
I have no friends... in the woods or otherwise.

Commander Rigar:
Wormhole?

Jack O'Neill:
Giant worms. Huge.

Jack O'Neill:
Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

Major Samantha Carter:
So, you wanna talk?

Teal'c:
Concerning what subject?

Major Samantha Carter:
I don't know. How's Rya'c?

Teal'c:
Fine.

Major Samantha Carter:
You still keeping in touch with Ishta?

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Major Samantha Carter:
Bra'tac?

Teal'c:
Bra'tac is well.

Major Samantha Carter:
Come on, Teal'c. Throw me a bone here.

Teal'c:
How is Pete Shanahan?

Major Samantha Carter:
He's fine.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[about which System Lords are coming] And the last one is Lord Yu.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Yu?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Eh, don't. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
On the bright side, out of all the Goa'uld, Lord Yu has been the most cooperative with us in the past.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
I thought you said none of them could be trusted?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Oh, they can't. Especially not a crazy one.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Huh, that's the bright side?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
More of a slightly less dark side.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, if they even get a hint of the fact that we can't use the Ancient weapons to defend ourselves, trust me, this game is over. [pause] Too dramatic?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
At this point, not for me.

[Fifth is torturing Sam]

Major Samantha Carter:
Part of being human is having compassion, learning to forgive.

Fifth:
Yes. I'm not there yet.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
It's unfortunate you're being recalled. I thought we were making such good progress.

Camulus:
Your demands were ridiculous. We had no choice but to terminate negotiations.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Well, give my regards to Ba'al.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
So we'd be looking for a needle in a haystack.

Thor:
A haystack of infinite size.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
That's big.

Camulus:
This may come as a surprise to you...

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Oh, I'm not sure anything can surprise me at this point.

Camulus:
I wish to request asylum.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir:
Well, seems I was wrong again.

Colonel Jack O'Neill:
[trying to decide if he should accept his promotion] I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the man. If I do this, I'll be the man. I don't think I can be the man.

[Sam, Teal'c and Jonas are sitting in a restaurant/coffee shop located in a small town, where they are investigating the disappearance of Richard Flemming]

Jonas:
Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strangely the people have been acting around here.

Sam Carter:
What are you talking about?

Jonas:
Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for a half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice, the cook has gotten three wrong orders *including* my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. I've been noticing similar behavior all morning. It's like, uh, the entire town is half asleep.

[Jonas is having a burger, fries, and milkshake for lunch. Sam arrives just in time to see him dunk a fry in the shake and eat it]

Sam Carter:
Nice... lunch.

Jonas:
Mmmm. I'm really starting to enjoy this, uh, "Traditional American Food." Mmm.

Sam Carter:
We have another tradition. It's called "hardened arteries".

Sam Carter:
You knew who Adrian Conrad was didn't you.

Jonas:
Well I've memorized all of your mission reports. I just don't want people around here thinking I'm... strange.

Sam Carter:
People don't think your strange.

Jonas:
What about Colonel O'Neill?

Sam Carter:
[pause] Let's get some lunch.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
We're supposed to stay under the radar.

Teal'c:
I doubt if this world possesses such technology.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Oh please, Mary Poppins is not even in the running.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Hey!

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
We have got the best jobs in the world, don't we?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
I'm gonna hit the shower.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I'm gonna find a doctor.

Teal'c:
We are indeed suitably employed

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Yeah, it was a good day.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Sam is right, we are not equipped to take these guys on.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
I have no intention of taking anybody on. I'm just going to pose as a buyer.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
You?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Well no offense Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type.

Major General Hank Landry:
If you tell me what I need to know, I'll arrange a feast the likes of which you've not seen since you set foot on this planet.

Nerus:
Feast?

Major General Hank Landry:
I do not use the word lightly.

Nerus:
Nor do I.

Nerus:
[Ba'al is about to shoot Nerus] Oh. I don't suppose there is anything I can say? [Ba'al shakes his head] But I'm so interesting.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
No offense, Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type. In fact, you're not even close.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
I think I'm as close as you are!

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Come on! You're miles away.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Teal'c, which one of us is closer?

Teal'c:
I believe the three of you to be equidistant.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Oh, please! Mary Poppins is not even in the running!

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Hey!

[the Stargate and its DHD have just been beamed away under SG1's nose]

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Well, here's an obvious question...

[SG1 has just been tortured by drug dealers]

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Look, for what it's worth, guys, sorry I dragged you into this.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[blas?] Oh, it happens all the time.

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
Sir, if you don't mind my asking...

Major General Hank Landry:
How did we plant the beacon on Nerus?

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman:
Yes, sir.

Major General Hank Landry:
It was a piece of cake.

Daniel:
Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?

Teal'c:
I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Teal'c:
Since it is their planet, is it not we who are the aliens?

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Actually, the word alien refers to anything characteristic of a very different place or culture, anything really strange relative from our own perspective.

Jack O'Neill:
Think we call you alien because you're from Chu'lak? Ha.

Dr. Janet Fraiser:
[after traveling through the Stargate to help with a medical emergency] Now *this* is a house call.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Well, maybe you could try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm.

Jack O'Neill:
You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.

Jack O'Neill:
You're obviously misreading a basic philosophical difference of opinion on how to handle a chrisis.

Daniel Jackson:
Oh please! We have a-a difference of opinion on just about everything!

Jack O'Neill:
Give me an example.

Daniel Jackson:
U-u-u, I don't know! Pick something! How - how about - how about mythology!

Jack O'Neill:
Rumors, lies, fairytales.

Daniel Jackson:
You see! See! See! See! See! See! [jumps around in a circle in frustration] Mythology is one of the primary motivations for cultural development!

Jack O'Neill:
Maybe it is! What's that got to do with *filming a plant*!

Daniel Jackson:
Exactly!

Jack O'Neill:
What does *that* mean!

Daniel Jackson:
I don't know!

[they silently look at each other]

Jack O'Neill:
[calmly] Okay. What was that?

Daniel Jackson:
I don't know. I don't feel so good.

Jack O'Neill:
I've got a headache.

Jack O'Neill:
[Jack and Daniel are in the infirmary. They have just had a major argue on a planet] Listen I, uh...

Daniel Jackson:
No, no. Um... sorry, you were gonna say...

Jack O'Neill:
No, it's just that, uh... Well... you know...

Daniel Jackson:
No I know, I know. I know. You know that I...

Jack O'Neill:
I know. It's obvious there's something...

Daniel Jackson:
Something, something wrong with us.

Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson:
Physically!

Janet Fraiser:
[enters] Well, there's nothing wrong with you.

Daniel Jackson:
What?

Janet Fraiser:
Well, I've run every test I could, short of exploratory brain surgery and you're both in perfect health.

Jack O'Neill:
Huh.

Jack O'Neill:
What do you think, Daniel? Are they friendly spirits?

Jack O'Neill:
[trying to keep aliens quarantined] Get back. Come on, get back. Fine. Knock yourself out. Go ahead. Go play in the street. Forget your sun block.

Doci:
Take the unbelievers back to Ver Eger. Let its cleansing mark forever the beginning of a new Age. Evil has raised a great many unbelievers in a far-off place. They must be shown the path.

Prior:
Hallowed are the Ori

Doci:
Hallowed are the Ori

[Daniel is studying the book of Origin]

Vala Mal Doran:
Tell you what. Why don't you flip to the end and see how it all turns out?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Well, I suppose after you've saved the world seven or eight times.

Major General Jack O'Neill:
Who's counting, huh?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Teal'c. Actually, he mentions it quite often.

Ori Prior #2:
I have come to spread the word to the unbelievers who have been sheltered and raised by evil.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
You have no idea how much he sounds like my Grandma.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
So how do we fight these guys? And I mean the message as much as the men. A lot of folks out there are going to buy what these guys are selling.

Teal'c:
Hopefully now many have been educated to the ways of false gods.

Vala Mal Doran:
Yes, but we're not talking about humans with snakes in their heads with a slightly better understanding of technology.

Dr. Daniel Jackson:
We've been up against some pretty bad guys before.

Major General Jack O'Neill:
Uhhh... not so pretty. Overdressed yes.

Bra'tac:
This Tretonin seems to have had an effect on your memory.

Teal'c:
Why would you say such a thing?

Bra'tac:
Because you have forgotten that a warrior's true strength comes from his heart and his mind. You have had a physical advantage over me for a long time, and yet I have never lost a sparring match to you.

Teal'c:
Because for years, Old Man, I have let you win.