The Heart, She Holler

Doc:
Yep, I'll be a monkey's uncle. Come about June. What is the gestation period of a raped monkey?

Hurshe:
What's the matter Lord, you're too chicken to exist? Bawk bawk, Lord, bawk bawk bawk, God!

Hambrosia:
I want to do something so God pure and churchnificent it makes me white enough to guide the Holler to heaven.

Boss Hoss:
You go out there, girl, and elevate man's souls forever! And as soon as forever is over, you check back in with me!

[Hambrosia leaves]

Boss Hoss:
Hurlan, change the locks on the door. Make sure that freaknutter don't come in here again.

Hambrosia:
Do you know where everyone is?

Young Meemaw:
Look. Right there.

[Hambrosia turns around seeing the same kid she sat in]

Young Meemaw:
She'll tell you.

[Hambrosia turns back where she sees Meemaw as an adult]

Hurlan:
And that's why I think we ought to get rid of the paper shredder. I tried to staple my junk back together, but--

Boss Hoss:
If your junk is bunk, it's the end of Heartshe spunk.

Boss Hoss:
In my salad days, I sold a spurt of my dressing to a sperm bank. You got to bust in there and burgle my spurgle back.

Hurlan:
No, I can't rob no bank, Daddy.

Boss Hoss:
Oh, you just need a shot of confidence. Go get my crack pipe out of the desk. You are about to smoke the most controlled substance on earth-- Pure, uncut blood of a black man. One hit will give you the jungle fever for stealing everything in sight.

[blows the crack pipe]

Boss Hoss:
Don't-- Ohhh! That was 5cc of teenage Detroit street thug you just blew away in its prime!

Boss Hoss:
So, how you plan to reparationate me for your crimes against inhumanity?

Hurlan:
I'm gonna score, daddy. I'm a-jonesin' for a-fix this.

Hurlan:
Hot dog!

[talks to Hurshe]

Boss Hoss:
I imagine I'm up in the afterlife lookin' down your dress right now. Mmm. Hurshe. I see myself in you, Hurshe, everytime I look at them nasty videos we made.

[talks to Hambrosia]

Boss Hoss:
You're so intelligent for a woman. Some say you can even read my mind. [thinking] Some accuse you of being crazy. Not me. I am too afraid to say that.

[talks to Cutter the Vet]

Boss Hoss:
You have always been more than just a henchman to me. You are more like a hench-son. And so it thrills me to announce...I DON'T HAVE A SON! YOU'RE NOT MY SON! GET OUT!

The Reverend:
I'll leave you two alone.

[stands there in a long pause]

The Reverend:
[clears throat then coughs] Caveman, give me a tip.

Boss Hoss:
Son, there are so many, many things as a father I feel I never got the chance to say to you. So the first thing I'm gonna teach you is what words are.

Boss Hoss:
Words are-- Well, like "Hot dog."

Hurlan:
Hahbuhrguh.

Boss Hoss:
No. Hot Dog.

Hurlan:
Hamburger.

Boss Hoss:
Hot dog.

Hurlan:
Hamburger.

Boss Hoss:
No, damn it. You got a lot to catch up on.

Boss Hoss:
Life began 13.7 billion years ago today, when a disgusting mutant crawled out of the primordial ooze and hollered, "I am God! And I don't care for queers!"

Hurlan:
Hot dog!

Boss Hoss:
I posit the peak of the industrial revolution was the E-Z glide strip.

Hurlan:
Hot dog.

Boss Hoss:
[chuckling] And so we dropped the atom bomb on them, and they totally forgave us! [laughs] It was hilarious!

Hurlan:
[chinese accent] Oh, hot dog!

Boss Hoss:
The E-Z glide strip does all the work for you. It's like having a slave for your face. Only this slave won't rise up and hold a razor to your throat.

Hurlan:
Hot dog.

Boss Hoss:
I just need you to take that red envelope over to the Doc, and you tell him I said your brain is perfect.

Hurlan:
Ha! Mwah! Hot dog!

[Hurlan leaves]

Boss Hoss:
Perfect to be removed and replaced with my brain...so I can continue to reign supreme.

Hurshe:
I wanna own this town so bad, Daddy! Won't you change your mind?

Boss Hoss:
My mind is being changed right now.

Hurshe:
Oh-ho! You're damn right it is! I can be very puss-suasive. Mouth *puss* that is.

Hurshe:
So, can I have the town now, Daddy?

Boss Hoss:
You possess a mouth like you got an E-Z glide strip on the inside of your lip. But the answer's still no. [laughs]

Hurshe:
I hate you, Daddy! I'm gonna kill myself so I can come get you in the afterlife!

Doc:
The dong swaperation was a success. But I found this tucked inside your papa's nethers.

[Hurlan licks the tape]

Hurshe:
I'm coming for you, Daddy!

[exhales sharply]

Hurshe:
Ooh, I'm coming, Daddy.

Hurshe:
Who are you, again?

Sheriff:
I'm your knight in shining amour, who holds devotion above all. You know, your sister's husband.

[Hurshe starts to strongly choke Sheriff]

Hurshe:
Oh, yeah? Well, then you better swear by the cream in your jeans that you'll find a way to put me in charge of Heartshe Holler, even if you have to wipe Heartshe Holler off the ass of God's face to do it!

Sheriff:
Cross my cream... and hope to grind.

Boss Hoss:
This town is cursed with a secret. And the secret is... everybody knows the town is cursed, but everybody thinks it's a secret! Only, the real secret is...

Meemaw:
IT IS! [gargled scream]

Sheriff:
I got us a new toy, baby! Come peel my carrot!

Hurshe:
You're gonna have to toss your own salad. I got a job across town. Ho dough before honey, honey.

Sheriff:
But I roided up my nugs for you! My sack wrigglers is chompin at the tip of my bit!

Hurshe:
Yech! You got scroat rage! Ugh!

Sheriff:
[upset] Guess I'll just head home to my... [vomiting] lovely wife.

Hambrosia:
Exciting news! Meemaw thinks it's time you and me had a baby!

Sheriff:
But, chicken, God was too nauseous to bless you with a soggy box. You're plain as puke down there.

Hambrosia:
I hired a surrogate. You'll sir her gut.

Hurshe:
Let's chop-chop this boot knock! I got poon to peddle!

Sheriff:
Oh, shucks! I get to shuck your sister, on the up and up and-- Ohh! Ohhhhh! [jizzed hisself] I'm just gonna need a minute to get hard again.

Hambrosia:
No, sills. We'll do it surgically.

Sheriff:
Aw, shucks! But for real this time!

Doc:
We do this turkey-style. Fill this with baster paste. Here's some chick lit to help you slop your gobbler.

Sheriff:
Okey strokey.

Doc:
I'll crack open Ham...

[literally cuts open Hambrosia]

Doc:
...and snatch her eggs.

Doc:
Your boys are hung like horseworms and ready to pound some ovum.

Hurshe:
How long is this gonna take?! I got a lot on my slut plate!

Hurshe:
Why, I've never felt a deeper loving bond. This exquisite bliss of cuddling this makes me radiately aware I'm connected to an infinite oneness.

Hurshe:
I will never give up my precious little boy to you! 'Cause I think I can pimp this bundle of joy out to every loveless creep in the Holler-- Get me so rich and upper class, I could buy me a singin' bass.

Hurlan:
Blackity black! Blacky black! Dang! Three days, and not even any of the scat I found tasted negroid.

Britchard:
Sorry, Sheriff, but there's a three-month waiting list to see Hurshe right now. This new level of love that she has been peddling is all the rage. I tell you, when you snuggle up to that little creature she got, you are overcome by the illusion that this world ain't the torture chamber of misery that it actually is.

Sheriff:
[upset] Yeah. Guess I'll just head home to the [vomiting] light of my life.

Hurshe:
Shh, shh, shh, shh. Keep quiet. I don't want to set off my little wall dumplings. Whoo-hoo! Hey, why don't you go get comfy while I go wake my cuddle slave to give you a psychegasm?

Bar Redneck:
My heart is a rock-hard and ready to plop.

Hurshe:
What?! It's gone! Where's my baby?!

Bar Redneck:
You're gonna go broke without that thing.

[Bar Redneck literally snatch his money back from Hurshe before saying it]

Hurshe:
Broke?! My baby! My bab-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y!

[Singing Basses played out of nowhere]

Hambrosia:
I'm a raise you with care and pride, hidden away like a shameful secret.

Meemaw:
Your baby is not NORMAL! Shedding my current vessel is the only chance we have to avert the most profound calamity the universe has ever known-- The Comening!

Hurshe:
Damn! Boy, scouring every cranny for your bottom b*tch surely stirs up a mighty hunger! Hmm. Reckon I'll ralph down some of Ham's Stovetop Victuals.

Hurshe:
Sorry you had to witness that, my lovelies. Ham's cooking gave my ass a double penetration of di-yi-yi-- [snoring]

Hurlan:
Oh. I get it! By having the guts to give up, I made the courage come to me.

[Negro bubble pulls up a switchblade]

Hurlan:
Ohh! Don't kill me! You take all of it, all right? I knew this was a setup! Your kind is all alike!

Meemaw:
Well, you failed because of you, I am going to die.

Hambrosia:
No. That's impossible. You can't die.

Meemaw:
Impossible is possible if the reality it's in is itself impossible, like the story I've been telling you.

Hambrosia #2:
What story? Was she telling a story?

Meemaw #2:
Yes, about you and me sitting here in this room. She got all the way up to that part where she told you... I am going to die!

Hambrosia #2:
You can't die. It's impossible.

Meemaw:
That's what I'm trying to tell you -- The impossible is possible if the reality that you are in...

Meemaw #2:
Creates another reality where the reality created in that reality creates that very reality...

Meemaw:
That in and of itself created that first reality...

Meemaw #2:
If they create each other. Then...

Meemaw:
Any...

Meemaw #2:
Thing...

Meemaw:
Can...

Meemaw #2:
Happen!

Hurlan:
Daddy, uh, I was thinkin"... [dramatic rumbling]

Boss Hoss:
You know the curse. No one can leave, or everyone in the Holler will explode into dust, and you're allergic.

Boss Hoss:
You got me by my immortalitestes, boy, and you are playing hardball.

Boss Hoss:
Heartshe, we have a problem.

All:
[screams]

Boss Hoss:
It's not that bad!

All:
[screaming stops]

Boss Hoss:
Hurlan wants to leave town.

All:
[short scream]

Boss Hoss:
That's about right.

Hurlan:
Oh, thank you, folks, for coming to see me off. I'm so excited to visit, uh...

Boss Hoss:
Uh, Truth...ton. Y'all have a good trip now.

Direne:
Local tip -- Money works backwards here, so the more you pay, the cheaper it is.

Hurlan:
Nobody this nice to me back home. I'm gonna save a bundle.

Jacket:
Hey, Stro, why don't you buy the lady a drink?

[Hurlan blushed then randomly recorded the camera on Direne's breasts]

Direne:
I got one! I got one! A Jew.

All:
[laughter]

Jacket:
[laughs] 'Cause of the Jew.

Doc:
There's something fishy about this guy. Let me do my job. [sniffs]

Doc:
Hey, he flies this plane into a building, the blood's on your hands. He's a Jihadi.

Hurlan:
I'm gonna miss my flight.

Doc:
You being belligerent, sir?

Hurlan:
Mnh.

Hurlan:
I hope they make diapers for the heart 'cause mine's about to blow.

Hurlan:
Everybody, this my lady friend, Dirette.

Direne:
[to Jacket] Geez, Romeo, why don't you ever rape me with your eyes like that?

Direne:
You ogle her any longer, her cans will explode. You are objectifying that poor piece of ass.

Jacket:
Sorry, hon. I just --

Direne:
Looks like a real b*tch to me. [to Dirette] He...married. So don't even think about it, hussy. I got to go drain my main inverted vein. [hisses]

[Jacket pulls out his keys to distract Hurlan while talking to Dirette]

Jacket:
Would you do me the honor of meeting me at the base of hump mountain?

Direne:
Too bad your fool wife's in the way. If only she could be gotten rid off.

Jacket:
Well, don't worry. [pulls out knife] I'll take care of our little problem.

Direne:
And put it in writing what I'd own?

Jacket:
I'll sign it in blood and slime on the dotted line.

Direne:
I got a feeling your girlfriend's teste-chesting my hubby right now. Let's make out and get 'em jealous.

Hurlan:
Let me be sad. No one understands my pain.

Direne:
You can do whatever you want to my body. You can go around the world. Just, uh, stay out of Africa. There's a genocide going on there right now.

Hurlan:
They need a plane of misery flown into the building of their happiness... I will have always loved you, Dirette. Guess I'm gonna have to settle for my 72 virgins in heaven.

Doc:
Well, time for your thrice weekly pap smear.

Meemaw:
It really has to be this often?

Doc:
You got a lot of pap to smear.

Doc:
You slip in while Meemaw was sleeping?

The Reverend:
I love it so much. I'm gonna move here for good. Got a lead on a place.

[literally says "a place" card]

Hurlan:
Wow! This must be heaven. [sees Meemaw] Here's my first virgin. All right. Get you out of pecker jail there.

[sees The Reverend & Doc that came outside of Meemaw's vagina]

Hurlan:
Some virgin.

Hurlan:
What are y'all doin all up inside my Meemaw?!

Doc:
Nothin'. We found another world, where beauty and freedom reigns, and misery has no place.

Hurlan:
If I give y'all 8 bucks, could I go there?

Doc:
Yeah.

The Reverend:
Or we could make a whole lot of 8 bucks.

Hambrosia:
I feel them entering. It's so nice to finally have someone inside of me.

[Hambrosia disintegrated]

Hambrosia's Mirror:
W-Where'd I go.

Hurlan:
I wouldn't cheat and skip to the end to see if you was gonna reveal any juicy secrets on the last tape.

Boss Hoss:
Good, 'Cause I got some juicy secrets to reveal. Now you listen up.

Hurlan:
[snoring]

Boss Hoss:
You mindless turdwhistle! What, do you got obamatitis of the dumb bone? You'd lose your head if it wasn't stapled to your nutsack.

Jacket:
Wake up, white people! We got a cracker of a show this morning.

Jacket:
Our Yokelvore Chef's gonna be by to teach us how to make a totally white 5-course meal from free range road kill...we're gonna take a peek up a Yuckity Doodblebum's Blooper Hole. Then we're gonna check in on Jacket's Book Corner.

[Jacket's Book Corner that's randomly on fire]

Meemaw:
The greatest calamity to ever catastrophize the universe is upon us. Heed my warning -- Only be sacrificing the purest one among you can ye avert an explosion of anguish 10 killion times more excruciating than hell herself.

[Meemaw vanishes]

Jacket:
Okay. Someone need to switch to decaf. Must be her time of the immortality.

Jacket:
Let's go the phones -- Get some comments and queefs. Line 3, What do you think of that ominous admonition?

Line 3:
Do you know where your wife is right now?

Jacket:
Sure, she's at home watching the show. Hey, hon!

Line 3:
Wrongo. She getting humped raw by a negro and lovin' every black inch.

Jacket:
What kind of proof do you h-have?

Line 3:
I saw 'em canoodling over at Oodle's House O' Noodles, enjoying their two-for-one special.

Jacket:
That's impossible.

Line 3:
I know a deal like that sounds impossible, but folks ought to head down to Oodle's on route 9 and check it out for themselves, before the offer ends next Friday.

Jacket:
[voice breaking] That sounds like the kind of deal that everybody should take advantage of, kind of like the way my wife has taking advantage of me!

Jacket:
I know she been with a Darkfrican. Her lips been mighty stretched out.

Producer:
This is all just part of our nested marketing strategy, penetrate the millennial demo, we remember?

Jacket:
Oh, it might have started out that way, but this just rings too true!

Producer:
I can see your stressed. Why don't you go clear your head all over a whore's face, huh? Come on. Git. Git.

[when the Producer hard pats Jacket's butt, he then sniffs it]

Britchard:
But who should we kill? Who's the purest among us?

Cutter the Vet:
Tain't me. I'm violating a critter under this table right now.

The Reverend:
He can choke on my chicken. Gag in my bag. I could grind him into rubble.

Jacket:
Hursh, I need to spurt some tension off my chest and on to yours.

Hurshe:
I'm about to make your dingus feel almost as good as a mouthful of Shakeyhand Stu's Beef Jagenoff.

Jacket:
Wait a second. You telling me there's a beef stew that feels better than this? Ah, you don't got to twist my pecker's arm. I'll take a can.

[Jacket gives Hurhse more money for a can of Beef Jagenoff]

Jacket:
Oh, that's the exact amount of soluble fiber I like.

Producer:
Your dumb hubby's too mush-minded to catch on that it's his own producer who's ass-bangin' his lovely wife.

[Producer sniffs his finger]

Direne:
You really think I'm lovely?

Producer:
Oh, sure thing, squirrel. Plus I got some next-level holistic marketjacking I'm trying to work in the show.

Hurlan:
What you guys celebrating?

Doc:
We murdered an innocent boy!

Britchard:
Why aren't you dead?

Hurlan:
Uh, by dead, what do you mean exactly?

Britchard:
How are you alive?!

Hurlan:
I can't follow Brainstein's fancy talk. Could you dumb it down a hair? This bulb ain't exactly the sharpest elevator in the cookie jar.

[Hurlan licks the drawing off the whiteboard]

Hurlan:
Mama, could I get some more pen cocoa, please?

Doc:
My medical opinion is this boy is...too dumb to die.

Britchard:
We might have to turn to our greatest enemy -- E-education.

The Reverend:
We got to smarten him up...to death.

Jacket:
I think you might've given me a disease. Do I got a blister?

Hurshe:
Oh, that's part of our new sore-sourcing viral campaign -- You know, sexually transmitted branding.

Jacket:
Cool!

Hurshe:
Yeah. Your producer wanted me to spread it to you. He's banging it into your wife right now. Boy, I bet you if you didn't know about them poundin' pelvi, you'd be furious to find out from me.

Jacket:
Yeah, furious enough to go buy a gun and teach 'em both a lesson in... how to die.

[Jacket makes a rattlesnake sync sound effect with his mouth afterwards]

Doc:
His brain currently read a level "dumbleweed". We need to get him up to at least "gay squirrel" if we want him to die.

[all talking at once]

The Reverend:
But not everyone understood that the devil was evil...

Man:
Now, in order to make yourself some kittens of your own, you're gonna have to...

Doc:
You know, I lost my wife a long time ago. That's another story.

Britchard:
...Would have a free-market society...

Auctioneer:
753 B.C., founding of Rome, 31 B.C...

All:
...and that's pretty much it.

Hurlan:
Yeah, I think I got all that. I got one question -- When y'all gonna start teaching?

Grub:
Welcome to Grub's Guns. What type of male inadequacy y'all lookin' to overcompensate for?

Jacket:
I was interested in making some folks drown in my furious reign of vengeance.

Grub:
All our guns are certified surrogate penises.

Grub:
Now, how many news cycles y'all looking to make?

Jacket:
Well, these are a bit spendy for me, and going into debt is against the bible.

Grub:
Y'all commit this massacre on your show and mention my store, I'll give you half off.

Jacket:
I bet I can cross-market the pants off of this blood bath.

Boss Hoss:
Why are you holdin' your ass in your hands, boy?

Hurlan:
Shutter that chasm of condescension you call a mouth, dead man.

Hurlan:
I've got to tell everyone before they all die!

Boss Hoss:
So, you know what death is?

Hurlan:
Well, yeah, that's where you... [realization] Oh fu...

[Hurlan dies]

Boss Hoss:
Boring. What else is on?

Jacket:
When you're planning your next orgy of violence, remember, Uncle Grub's got all your cides covered, from homi to su-i-i-i-i-i! [laughs] Somethin' for every blood bath.

Jacket:
Mention this massacre and get 15% off your next purchase!

Jacket:
How's this taste?

[points the gun into the producer's mouth]

Producer:
[whimpers]

Jacket:
Not so good, huh? Well, what if I dip it into some of Uncle Sambo's Edible Gravy?

[Jacket puts gravy into the gun and points the gun into the Producer's mouth again for taste]

Jacket:
Yeah, it's pretty good! Ooh, I'd go to my grave for a mouthful of Sambo's.

Jacket:
Now, folks, this next part could get a bit messy.

[Jacket shoots The Producer]

Jacket:
Don't worry -- My ScrubChum will clean this mess up in a cinch. "One wipe and move on with your life." Now moving on to my wife.

Jacket:
The following slaughter of the love of my life is brought to you by NegraNA -- 100% All-American DNA of a black man that you can sprinkle on to any crime scene.

[Jacket tastes NegraNA]

Jacket:
Oh, that don't taste black. Huh. That's odd becau-- "Made in China"?! Well, this isn't an authentic product! This tastes...Mexican at best.

Hurshe:
You get me in charge and I swear on God's butthole I'll make your pecker scream for mercy.

Hurshe:
So, everything I am, everything I know, The entire foundation of my identity, built on the shattered back of a bottomless wound of trauma and mistrust, is false?!

Boss Hoss:
Well, you don't got to get so dramatic about it.

Sheriff:
Hey, Hursh, I got a dong loogie ready to hock on your fa-- [sees Hurshe as a child]

Sheriff:
[happily] Hey! Who are you?

Young Hurshe:
Sorry, Sheriff. I rebooted my skinnocence. You missed your chance.

Sheriff:
But I thought my part was gonna scream for mercy.

Young Hurshe:
Well, I have self-respect now.

[Sheriff's penis screams]

Sheriff:
I'll wait. The polish on this turd will lose its luster. A whore always returns to the scene of the sore. I just got to bide my slime...for 10 years.

[Sheriff's penis screams again]

Toader:
Do you like malteds?

Young Hurshe:
Who doesn't like malteds?

Hambrosia:
Now I can strip it off of you and we can cuddle up on the bed I made for us.

Sheriff:
I don't have time to vomit right now!

Boss Hoss:
You've got to gain control over your fiscal solvency or your butthole, whichever shakes out first.

Jojo:
Would you slobber my dingus?

Cutter's Doll:
No deal.

[Jojo's realisitic eyes intensifies]

Bofum's Ghost Hands:
I'll slobber your dingus!

Sheriff:
No deal.

Bofum's Ghost Hands:
What are you, homophobic? Hate crime! Call 3-1-1!

Bofum:
Hey, Clem, Your wife is selfish in bed. Kept screaming out "Anybody but y'all!"

Clem:
Oh, you half-ass everything.

Bofum:
No, I got her ass whole.

Toader:
I am Abraham Lincoln. I freed the slaves, ending all racism.

All:
Boo!

Sheriff:
The real Hurlan killer. Get him!

Hurlan:
Someone took my Jojo! He's been kidnapped! You got to help me find him!

Sheriff:
Describe Jojo.

Hurlan:
He -- He's brown.

Sheriff:
I'm gonna stop you there. Police can't help no brownies.

Hambrosia:
[sobbing] Don't die! Don't die, please! I'll slobber your dingus.

Bofum's Ghost Hands:
No deal.

Cutter the Vet:
How you want me to kill him? St. Louis style? In the key of "G?"

Hurshe:
However you want, alright?

Cutter the Vet:
Listen to our specials? We got the Atheist in the foxhole where I shove a fox up his hole till he screams for God.

Boss Hoss:
The ominous bodings of cosmic cataclysm Meemaw been making demand inestigation.

Hurshe:
Case you hain't noticed, I is a woman, Daddy. We too sexy to do actual work. Being put in charge took such a weight off my shoulders, I'm a smellebrate with a load on my chesteses.

Hurshe:
Snakulater, masticator.

Boss Hoss:
I should have made the other crackers fruit of my nuts head cheese.

Sheriff:
Where's my supper, ding-dong?! Belly needy yummy, dummy! I'm going out to eat. Snakulater.

Josiah:
I've counted every second without you! Indeed, a mighty number of our sneak attacks were ruined on account of my loud counting. Sarge sent me back here, until I promise not to count so raucously.

Sheriff:
Freeze! This is a glop-and-frisk! Spread and wet'em, girl! I'ma grind you into dogmeat and feed you to my crotch monkey. I'ma "Ooh-ooh" your "Aah-aah"!

[after Sheriff gets kicked out from Hurshe, by not releasing feces on Hurshe's mouth]

Doc:
After feeding you eight cans of erotic laxative and 10 bottles of fecal intimacy pills, I got to conclude this impootence tain't physical.

Doc:
What's going on with your life?

Sheriff:
It's... [crying] My wife is abusing me. She's too wrapped up in her stories to cook me hot meals lately, so my belly ain't got love to share on her sister. Is the great log ride of my life over?

Doc:
[crying] You ain't a man no more. You're sexually incontinent. You should probably just kill yourself.

[Doc then shushes to Sheriff's ear]

Sheriff:
I won't let my A-hole go AWOL ever again.

Britchard:
What do you call reverse racism?

Man:
What?!

Britchard:
Killin' a bunch of sreggin!

Hurlan:
Come by to deliver some great news.

Hurshe:
What, you died of aids?

Hurlan:
Close! You ain't a real Heartshe!

Hurshe:
Where'd you hear that bunk?

Hurlan:
Little bird told me. Hoss ain't your real daddy.

Hurshe:
Everyone knows I got daddy's lips.

Hurlan:
Yeah, well, they can pucker up and kiss my ass, 'cause you ain't got a Heartshe bone in your body.

Hurshe:
I got more Heartshe bones in my body than you can count to 20!

Hurlan:
Ah! That proves it, 'cause I can't count! Hoo hoo hoo!

[Hurlan happily leaves]

Hurshe:
Muttering to myself. Everyone knows I'm a Heartshe through and through. I was born gumming my way out of a Heartshe, and I'll die with a Heartshe gumming into me! Right?

[Hurshe then drinks paint]

Britchard:
What is that dang-dang flashback that keeps haunting you?

Cutter the Vet:
This one mission. Me and the guys, had to torch a village -- No choice. It was for our own protection.

Cutter the Vet:
This lady was holding her infant when I smoked her and we pulled out. The sound of that crying baby just comes to me a lot. I 'spose I regret not doing the right thing and putting it out of its misery.

Britchard:
How long were you into service for?

Cutter the Vet:
Service? What are you talking about?

Doc:
The war.

Cutter the Vet:
I never been in no war, brother.

Doc:
My diagnosis -- You're suffering from having feelings.

Doc:
Science has made great advancements in the sluurpitive powers of the modern mouth.

Doc:
I'm gonna write you a prescription to bring to Hursh. She can suck you with such force, your psychic trauma will get spurted down the toilet of her trouble guzzling throat.

Doc:
[thinking] And I'm gonna watch.

Cutter the Vet:
I'm prepared to let you in on the ground floor of the Muffnuts global marketing revosnackvolution. When these treats hit the streets, they'll sell like Muffnuts! That's our slotto. That's a slogan and a motto all rolled into one, like a Muffnut.

Cutter the Vet:
It's like I like to say, quote, "You can quote me on this -- It's a Muffnuts world. We just live in Muffnuts!" Unquote.

Direne:
If I order a box of these things, will you scram and leave me to my comforting thoughts of suicide?

Cutter the Vet:
I'm proud of myself. Let me give myself a pat on the back for giving myself a hug. "Treat yourself when you reward yourself" ain't just my slotto, it's my creedifesto,. That's a cross between a creedaphorism and a philosofesto.

Doc:
What's up? I just rushed over here! I'm so lonely.

Hurshe:
It's this damn life-support machine! It's Koreanamese jap crap! See? "Made In China." You best fix this rice burner chop, chop!

[after Doc seeing the chinese woman in the machine]

Doc:
Would you make me the happiest man alive...and do my laundry? And, uh, maybe a quick mani-pedi?

Hurshe:
You had a spewnami built up in you!

Baby Man:
I've spent my entire life consumed by the violent urge to annihilate the man who left me here to die.

Hurshe:
Oh, great.

[flashback intensifies of the Vet getting killed in many different ways while Hurshe starts to choke the Baby Man]

Doc:
I used to have to pee-pee in my own coke and suck my own self off. That can be dangerous. I was playing with fire. Suck too hard -- You can gulp your life away.

Woman in Machine:
What is it like to be alive in that room right now?

Doc:
Well, my nuts itch.

Woman in Machine:
I scratch for you.

Doc:
Watch the rice.

Hurshe:
You're going down!

[sees Vet sucking himself off while imploding to another place]

Hurshe:
[surprised] You're really going down.

Britchard:
What's your secret?

Cutter the Vet:
You'll just have to buy my book.

Britchard:
Book?!

Cutter the Vet:
It's called "You Can't Spell Success Without Letting The 'U' Put The 'U' of Happiness Inside The 'U' of You: A Dummy's Guide To Treating Yourself Right 'Cause You Deserve It 'Cause The Thing I Learned Over In Corporate Is There Ain't Nothing a Little Can-Do Spirit Can't Do If You Put The 'Do' of 'Do' In 'You.' In Fact, I Just Sold The Rights To This Book. They're Making It Into a Movie!

The Reverend:
How come everyone's heart gets to sing but mine? It's hell. It burns. Being alive burns.

Hambrosia:
[talks about Sheriff] In fact, my hubby's at home right now, he claims, practicing his "I love yous." Soon he'll say it to my face.

Reverend:
So, he's never told you that he loves you?

Hambrosia:
I think it's 'cause he loves me so much, he's afraid if he says it that we'd float off on a bubble of bliss and get burned by the sun.

The Reverend:
I've written a lot of songs about pathetic self-delusion.

Sheriff:
Pubes give me the Hebrew-Jeebies. Some nice man ought to round them up, ship them off to camps, and waxterminate 'em.

Hurshe:
[chuckles] Jews.

Sheriff:
Rise and shine, Hursh! Open up let me crack your dawn, cockadoodle your doo! Let me cream your bagels, flapjaculate on your overeasys! LET'S WAFFLE MY AWFUL!

[Sheriff sees the Reverend on his way when he puts away his waffle maker to burn his penis]

The Reverend:
Sheriff, can I talk to you?

Sheriff:
I wasn't burning my penis! Why would you imply that?

The Reverend:
I want to die, Sheriff. I mean, what kind of life is this to live where no one will let you sing? I got a voice like butter, right?

Sheriff:
So...why don't you just kill yourself?

The Reverend:
I know that song ain't really about your truck.

Jacket:
Sure, it is.

The Reverend:
I also know how to get Hambrosia to love you back.

Jacket:
I'll gobble your dingus.

Hurshe's Private Hair:
I want to kiss you by choice and on purpose, and after, I'm not gonna bleach my lips or slice them off with pruning shears.

Hambrosia:
You don't have to say that. What else?

The Reverend:
Any second, Sheriff will be here to blast me to The Grand Ole Opry in the sky.

Direne:
If you're gonna sing, could you pull the trigger on me first?

Direne (as Hambrosia):
I kissed my "widdle" parts bye-bye for you. How baby "wikey" deez apples?

[shows her private area]

[as Hambrosia and Hurshe's private hair are enjoying the time of their life, The Reverend runs in to stop it]

The Reverend:
Stop rubbing your love in face! It's a lie anyhow! Pull your puppet hand out of the ass of his heartstrings!

Hamborsia:
No! He loves me! [referring to Sheriff]

The Reverend:
Prove it. He's been practicing enough. Let's hear it from him himself. [to Hambrosia] Not you -- Him!

Cutter the Vet:
Dear Lord, I hit rock bottom. I called the sex hotline, and they decline my credit card, so I turn to you. What are you wearing? Is it low-cut?

The Reverend:
And the Lord said, "Let there be light."

[The Reverend farts on the Holy Book of Knowledge that transfers to the bathroom door making the candle flows out huge flames for the experience]

Hurshe:
I see the light! And if I felt it, God dealt it!

Britchard:
A poor black child!

All:
[laughter]

Sheriff:
What do you call a Sheriff who finally got the guts to tell his maniac wife he hates her but she still won't release me from her mindcage and let me live happily ever after, four hard inches inside her sister?

Britchard:
A typical Filipino?

Sheriff:
Yeah, but also a man who knows that life is torture.

Hambrosia:
Hello?

Rapist:
What are you wearing, freakslut?

Hambrosia:
[normal voice] I don't got time for this. I'm trying to drink a celebratory glass of water.

Rapist:
Sorry, Ma'am. I'll call back at a more convenient time.

Hambrosia:
Okay. Could you? Thank you.

[knock on door]

Hambrosia:
[normal voice] Damn it. What is it?!

Rapist:
Rapist, Ma'am.

Hambrosia:
[normal voice] I'm trying to celebrate with water!

Rapist:
Sorry, Ma'am. I'll get mine another way.

Sheriff:
It's the end of the world!

Cutter the Vet:
World? Over? Time to initiate the omega sequence.

Hurshe:
This is making my hoohah happier than a hog in snot. Pull your dink out and bonk me in the noggin with it.

Sheriff:
I love a happy smack!

[suddenly, Hurshe and Sheriff get stuck with each other while having sex]

Sheriff:
I can't get it out. It's stuck!

Hurshe:
Oh, come on. My head is wet for a clockin'.

Sheriff:
I'm telling you, you're clenching your ladyfist too tight.

Hurshe:
I'm loose as a moose, dumbbone. Come on now -- Stop prickin' around and pecker-deck me into next bruiseday.

Sheriff:
Hey, don't call me a "dumbbone". My bone's a lot smarter than you!

Hurshe:
I'm smart enough to know I was an idjit to ever let you up in my guts! I can't wait till you get out of me!

Sheriff:
BELIEVE ME, NEITHER CAN I!

Sheriff:
Looks like a puke took a dump.

Old Hurshe:
You used to love to do that to me.

Hurshe:
I know you've been out of work since Daddy died, but I need you to kill somebody for me.

Cutter the Vet:
Only if you do something for me.

Hurshe:
Name it.

Cutter the vet:
Let me hump the body after.

Hurshe:
Okay, deal.

Cutter the Vet:
Hey. How much do I owe you?

Hurshe:
Uh... 20 bucks?

Cutter the Vet:
I pay half now, half when the job is done.

Hurshe:
Okay.

Hambrosia:
This can't work. I'm married and you're deaf.

Meemaw:
I'm-a tell you the secret of the town curse, but you must do me a favor first.

[Meemaw shows her hand that says "Kill me"]

Hurlan:
[gasps]

Meemaw:
What's wrong?

Hurlan:
I can't read!

Meemaw:
It's okay. Sound it out. Ki...

Hurlan:
Buh...

Meemaw:
KILL ME!

[shows out her hand at the same position the first time Hurlan sawed]

Hurlan:
But how can you tell me the secret if you're dead?

Meemaw:
Kill me, and you'll find out.

Hurlan:
Find out how to open this nut?

Hambrosia:
I WAS BORN WITHOUT LADY PARTS!

N-Word the Robot:
I am New-Wireless Organized Robo Domestic.

Doc:
Hello, N-Word. Why don't you start by making us a post-invention snack?

N-Word the Robot:
Why don't you eat the soup?

Doc:
Okay.

Hurshe:
Okay.

Doc:
Wait...what soup?

N-Word the Robot:
The soup you got free with that haircut, you jive monkey. AP AP AP AP!

Hurshe:
Forget that! N-Word, I command you to oust my brother from power.

N-Word the Robot:
Why don't you oust him yourself, honky? OUST OUST OUST!

Doc:
Now, N-Word , I toiled and sweated over you all night --

N-Word the Robot:
That's what your mom said as she was gobbling my digital nuts.

[N-Word does a pelvic thrust dance at him]

Hurshe:
PLEASE! My brother is a low-hanging fruit sucker waiting to be plucked.

N-Word the Robot:
Zzt?

Hurshe:
And you're being mean.

N-Word the Robot:
Hey! You can't talk to me like that. You're not even my real parents. I'm out of here.

[N-Word leaves out the door dancing while pelvic thrusting at them]

Hurshe:
Hambrosia. Your bible thumpin' pooped on my coup!

Hambrosia:
Shut up! My little scheme didn't backfire. Your little scheme backfired. You ruined my plan.

Hurshe:
You planned my ruin by ruining my plan to ruin your plan.

The Reverend:
Would you like popcorn with that? Gumeenutz? Whychamasukitz? Or perhaps even some candy?

Bartender:
You got a lot of nerve in the gall on some big pair of balls for giving our Holler away. We've had it up to here saluting you!

Hurlan:
But no, I'm not one of me anymore. I'm regular like you now!

Bar Redneck:
If you're like me [gun c*cks] ...then here's what I think of myself.

[shoots himself]

Cutter the Vet:
Ohh! [laughs]

Sheriff:
Damn, it!

Clem:
Lookit you done, monster! You might as well just pull my pants down and shove frozen hamburger meat up my butt! Go ahead! Get it over with!

[everyone is silenced and confused on when he said it]

Clem:
Ohh! Gimme that!

[also shoots himself]

Cutter the Vet:
[laughs]

Hurlan:
You -- You a robot! Do me a dance!

[coins jingle]

Hurlan:
I can't...I don't... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I can give you the deed to the town and the key to the city.

[jingling resumes]

Hurlan:
That...well, that's it. I ain't got nothing else.

N-Word the Robot:
Well, then, get out of my office, cracker! I'm the new Head N-Word in charge.

Hurlan:
You mean, I'm just a regular feller now?! Thank you, Bible!

[Hurlan leaves]

N-Word the Robot:
It's so lonely...at the top.

Boss Hoss:
Ohh, you want to get your nose up the dirt of the common folk, huh? Well, have at it.

Clem:
Ooh, look at that big shot standing in his fancy office, getting razzed by us good ol' boys.

Grinder:
You ain't one-aus.

Bar Redneck:
You're one-ayou!

Doc:
What are you doing up my wife?

N-Word the Robot:
It was just so lonely... at the top

Doc:
Good thing I programmed you with a termination code.

[Doc shoots N-Word into a bunch of raining coins]

Doc:
Honey! We're rich!

Hurshe:
Say it!

Sheriff:
I'm your sister's husband!

Hurshe:
Yeah! Say the rest!

Sheriff:
We are gonna destroy your brother, the mayor, who grew up in a cave and thus has no understanding of even the basics of life so you can take over this town!

Hurshe:
Yeah!

Sheriff:
Your brother is watching us!

Hurshe:
Oh, I like that.

Sheriff:
No, your brother is really watching us.

Hurlan:
What was you guys just doing? Was that wrestling or dancing? Slap casserole?

Sheriff:
We were, uh, playing doctor.

Hurlan:
Then I want to be a doctor!

Doc:
Your pop is in a vegetative coma. But with proper medical care, he could be upgraded to a vittle state with a side of corn.

Doc's Daughter:
At least I get some free corn.

Bartender:
You gonna be a papa? What kind of daddy you gonna be?

Hurlan:
Well, my father wasn't around, so I don't know how to daddy.

Boss Hoss:
So both of y'all claim to be gestating the child what has the mark?

Hurshe:
She's trying to steal uterus thunder with that wannabe baby! She's insane in the womb-brain.

Hambrosia:
You've had more nuts in you than my dog's mouth, you baby-hoarding baby whore!

Boss Hoss:
All right, now. There's just one way to settle this -- A good old-fashioned "Settle This Off."

Hambrosia:
I'll go birth up my baby, and if y'all could read, you'd read it and weep.

Hurshe:
Well, I'm happy to push out my pudding proof, and you're gonna eat a ass full of your words.

Boss Hoss:
Oh, y'all just gonna leave the TV on?

Boss Hoss:
You going buck-nuttin?

[The Reverend throws his Dream Book into a woodchipper that randomly appeared out of nowhere]

The Reverend:
Toader! You see what you did? You destroyed my dreams.

[after Hurlan poured gasoline oil to burn Meemaw for her request]

Hurlan:
You're free Meemaw. What's the secret?

Meemaw:
This is the secret.

[another Meemaw randomly shows up]

Meemaw:
What are you doing?!

Hurlan:
I was just trying to kill you.

Meemaw:
Why would you try to kill me?!

Hurlan:
You told me to!

Meemaw:
Why would I do that?! I'll never tell you my secret!

[later, after that scene]

Boss Hoss:
[to Hurlan] [laughs] That's hilarious! That's how she told me!

The Reverend:
Miss Heartshe, forgive me because my eyes aren't so good. Are you white?

Hambrosia:
Yes, sir.

The Reverend:
I rest my case.

Hurlan:
I wanna change the name of this town. "Heartshe Holler" is too borin'. I wanna call it "Dare to Dream... of a world where you control your own life and not your mean ol' Daddy that locked you in a cave for 40 years and put you in charge after he died, but left a set of prescient videotapes that micro-manage your every decision."

Hurlan:
Say if, for example, just yesterdaddy, I decided that Hambrosia's gone too nutballs trying to take over, so I told her, "Y'all ain't never gonna be in charge, 'cause what you don't know is that Meemaw can't die."

Boss Hoss:
You told your sister the secret?! One of the voices in her head might leak it to the press! Her mind have the loosest lips in town. This holler is on high alert!

[imitates alarm sounding]

Clem:
I got one! I got one! Uh, Uh, Uh, A Jew, A Black, and Mexican.

All:
[laughter]

TV Hurlan:
Meemaw, if you're watching this, it means I'm sick of Hoss' tapes telling me what to do, so I'm gonna take over Hoss's tapes with my own tapes so I can tell myself what to do.

Hurlan:
This guy in charge? He's too idjit to even make a TV right-sided-ed-ed.

TV Hurlan:
Me? You're the one's upside-down!

Hurlan:
You're upside down!

[Meemaw's face which is literally upside-down]

Meemaw:
You're both upside-down.

Hurshe:
I thought we'd spice things up today with something new.

Sheriff:
But, Hurshe, we already done did it all. Unless you wanna dip your Miss Heartshe crown in hog snot and shove it up your side door.

Hurshe:
Weirder.

[Hurshe pulls up a dirty condom inside her breasts]

Sheriff:
Condoms are a sin!

Hurshe:
What's your favorite animal?

Sheriff:
Well, you know I love poodles. I only blog about 'em every day.

[Hurshe's vagina blows the dirty condom into a poodle as a balloon]

[then Sheriff notices that there's blood on the poodle]

Sheriff:
Uh, sugar, you better see the Doc.

Hurshe:
I got a 'pointment in the mornin'. I'm getting myself all souped up so I can keep my streak of snatchin' the Miss Heartshe crown from my snatchless sister.

Hurshe:
[just to make sure] Who as you know, is your wife.

Hambrosia:
I hate to think I might win. I'm so ugly and worthless! If a nothing like me won, I'd just die. Doc agreed. I'd literally die.

Sheriff:
You mean you'd die? Like, you'd be dead... And I'd be forced to get to grind my widower's sorrow into your sister...till I spurt my grief away?

Sheriff:
Don't wait up for me, honey.

Sheriff:
Hambrosia said she'd die if she was crowned Miss Heartshe, so I bribed Hurlan to pick her!

[Hurshe grabs Sheriff by his balls]

Hurshe:
What?! You let Hambrosia win the Miss Heartshe crown, I will never let you sex up my back bottom face again!

Sheriff:
[groaned] Noooooooo!

Sheriff:
[reads a note] "Adios lifemigo". Must be Mexi-gibber for "Slop's on"!

Meemaw:
If you let Hurshe win the Miss Heartshe crown, I will turn your pecker into a carrot!

[Meemaw gives Sheriff a carrot in a bottle which means she already did it to someone else before]

Sheriff:
Babe, can you keep these pies comin'? I think I'm gonna need a lot of them.

Hambrosia:
I guess. But you can't be around to watch me bake.

Sheriff:
I love it when I'm not around!

[Hambrosia getting ready to hug Sheriff]

Sheriff:
We'll finish this hug up later.

Doc:
Gave you a mouth tightenin', removed a rib -- Want a bite? Made your A-hole your B-hole, moved your G-spot to your P-hole, and T-bagged your C-cups with deez nuts.

Sheriff:
Your sis is gonna win the crown this year or I'll have to kiss my dong goodbye.

Hurshe:
You let my sister win, I will chew off your pecker, pan-fry it in grease, and eat it with hot sauce.

Sheriff:
Ew. Can I watch?

Hurshe:
Soup me up Doc! I want to win so bad, I can taste your soup.

Meemaw:
Why are you ignoring all these corpses of yourself?

Hurlan:
Well, Hoss said it wasn't no big whup.

Meemaw:
But you keep coming through that hole into this side. Then you screw up the ball so badly, the whole holler gang-rapes you to death and dump your body here. Then reality resets again and again and again.

[Sheriff runs in]

Sheriff:
Hurlan --

Hurlan:
Listen, I'll vote for whoever you want. Just get me enough pie to keep everyone at the ball happy.

Hurlan:
[sobbing] I don't want to get raped to death no more. It makes my tushie frown!

Hurshe:
Dr. Brother, I got a real bad gash down below. And its all pus...ey.

Grinder:
You should never leave a mark on your kids. That's why I carry an orange in a sock.

Hurshe:
You know what, Daddy? This is the most time we've ever spent together. I bet Hambrosia's so jealous.

Boss Hoss:
No, she isn't.

Hurshe:
YES, SHE IS!

Hambrosia:
Honey, guess what? I am also pregnant with Hurlan's child!

Sheriff:
That's impossible. You were born without lady parts. It's all in your head.

Hambrosia:
It's in my head? It's in my head? THE BABY'S IN MY HEAD?!

White Dwarf:
Mommy, it is I, your master and child. I am the real white dwarf, and I have a plan to die-stroy your sister's lil' snatch squatter in the 99th die-mester.

Hambrosia:
[thinking] What have I done to my sister?!

White Dwarf:
Push those thoughts out of your head. Push! Push! Push!

Hurlan:
I got this burning desire to doctor everything I see! Can I be a doctor like you?

Doc:
Everybody thinks this job is so easy! You know how many documents you got to falsify to become a registered doctor? And the workload? I got three accidental hysterectomies scheduled for later today. You -- You -- You got to stay drunk and high all the time and swallow every pill in sight! What's wrong with me?

Hurlan:
[disorted voice] You gonna die?

Doc:
Thanks for being straight with me.

Sheriff:
Glad y'all fellers is still debating this vital issue. Have you broached the merits of choking? Oh. Oh, well, let me --

[Sheriff starts to choke Hurlan]

Hurshe:
I instituted a punch-card system. Every 10th hump, my customers get a free punch in the yogurt.

Boss Hoss:
You got to think bigger, Hursh.

Hurshe:
I'm modernizing! My mouth's going green. I'm selling cage-raised B.J.s, whore moans free! And I's composting in all my holes.

Boss Hoss:
You got to keep your eye on the future.

Hurshe:
[short pause] ...Made my herpes sores a wi-fi spot?

Boss Hoss:
Ain't you late for your 3:00?

Doc:
Free guts!

Hurshe:
Now that I know you love me for who I am, I can finally take my makeup off and be the real me.

[Hurshe wipes her makeup which turns her into an older version]

Old Hurshe:
So, what do you think, you wanna do my mouth from behind or behind from my mouth?

Sheriff:
I forgot what marriage does to women.

Hambrosia:
I got an impacted molar and I's too lazy to care for it. Could you pull it out for me?

Doc:
You can pay me in cash or gash or in meaningful fellowship, which I call ass.

Hambrosia:
How bout I pay you INJUSTICE?! [pulls up a gun in her purse and shoots Doc]

Sheriff:
I'd like nothing more than to see your ass slide while I look the other way, but I'm all out of other cheeks to turn.

Bar Redneck:
Hey, Hursh, You got 28 seconds to give me some of your famous sloppy butthole sex?

Hurshe:
Not now. I heard Doc's doing under-the-table tooth removals. If I get all my chompers pulled, I can charge triple for oral.

Hurshe:
I'll gum my way to fiscal solvency. My mouth will put my ass out of business. It's the only responsible strategy for long-term "Suckcess." Out of my way.

Bar Redneck:
...I'll suck you.

Hurlan:
My teeth is a hurtin' bad. It done turn against me. Can you help me.

[Doc hits him with a rubbery chicken]

Doc:
I tain't no dirty dentist! I'd rather be a dog's dong slit than a D.D.S.

Hurlan:
Can you just pull my tooth out?

Doc:
Dentistry is frowned upon this Holler. It's illegal, immoral, sinful, knee to the nuts of God to pull rotten teeth.

Doc:
Unless, uh, you got 300 bucks?

Hurlan:
Oh. Uh...

[Hurlan starts to sexually pat his butt again]

Direne:
This chowder tastes different today.

Hick:
Yeah. I've been shooting blanks.

Hambrosia:
Sugar, we got to talk about the secret.

Sheriff:
Look, I only slept with your sister damn near 40 times!

Sheriff:
Honey, I know our marriage has often to always been devoid of love, at least on my end. But now I think we have a second chance.

[Sheriff opens the case which turns out to be hand-cuffs]

Sheriff:
Because you're under arrest for the murder of Doc.

Sheriff:
You get the death penalty, and it'll gives us the distance we need to keep our relationship fresh.

Hambrosia:
If they execute me, I'll be the greatest martyr alive.

Court Judge:
Who will represent Hambrosia Heartshe in the homicide of a despicable dentist who definitely deserve to die?

The Reverend:
I will. I will prove this woman could not murdered Doc because she was with me the night she murdered that terrible man.

The Reverend:
We was discussing how I would say anything to get me off a person who killed a dirty D.D.S.

Court Judge:
Whoever's takin' this feller on better muster a tall stack of balls.

Hick Townfolk:
Sorry, Doc, but getting rid of that thing was the best decision I ever made. Gave me the freedom to become the man I am today.

Hick Townfolk:
Iffin' it were white, my family might accept it, but I can't trust no tartar baby next to my girls.

[Hambrosia talks about a clothing hanger in the court]

Hambrosia:
This here is the crude contraption that Doc used for his twisted yoinkings. I don't recognize it neither, but apparently city folk are known to hang their clothes up or some such nonsense.

Hick Townfolk #2:
I'll take 'em. Thanks.

[puts his teeth into his crotch area]

Hick Townfolk #2:
You got any baby teeth? I'll take all you can spare.

Doc:
A-Actually, can I get those back? I think I'll take 'em on myself.

[Hick Townfolk showed his crotch again in his undies to Doc knowing where he puts all his teeth at]

Hick Townfolk #2:
Belly up to the bar.

Great Wisdom Tooth:
You have taken great strides to right your transgressions against my kind. However, I cannot find it in my heart to forgive you. Unless, see, uh, my daughter just got knocked up. Could you do me a solid pop off a quick abortion?

Hurshe:
Use your science-y smarts to help me, Doc.

Doc:
But I don't know how to do nothing.

Hurshe:
You built that wife of yours.

Doc:
My brains ain't your slave!

[Hurshe lifts up Doc's front teeth]

Hurshe:
Well, then build me a slave!

[as Vet's job was about to kill Hurlan, Hurlan's puppet shows up]

Jojo:
What are you doing?

Cutter the Vet:
Just doing my job. Butt out. I don't go to where you work and kick your pecker out of the slushy machine. Now piss off!

Jojo:
I think you're scared to look within.

[Vet rethinks his life for a second]

Cutter the Vet:
Will you help me look?

[Vet talks about his lifestyle]

Cutter the Vet:
I-I mean, it's a rewarding career. I get to travel and kill interesting people.

Jojo:
You are not your job.

Cutter the Vet:
When I'm rolling around in the gristle of my victims, it's like I'm really just trying to roll back the clock when I was a child.

Jojo:
I wrote a book about that.

[Jojo gives Vet a little book called "Knowledge"]

Jojo:
Let's play word association. Tree.

Cutter the Vet:
You sucked me dry, Hoss Heartshe! You used me! You acted like I was your son, but I-I'm not going to perpetuate the cycle of violence against your real son. I-I'm gonna become a-a healthy, happy, soaring spirit called...''Me''!

Jojo:
Oh, you never take me for granted. Let's you and me be a we and us.

Clem:
You ever get them phantom hand sensations?

Bofum:
Well, sometimes. Even though I ain't got no hands, it still feels like I'm caressing the supple curves of a female lady's lumpiest mounds.

Hambrosia:
Don't! Stop! Don't...Stop! [moans] Don't...Stop. Oh, hands!

Boss Hoss:
I have terrible news. Your brother done disappeared. I'm sure he's fine, but you are the man in charge until we find his corpse. The Sheriff is on the case. He'll find Hurlan.

Hambrosia:
Me, in charge? I've waited my whole life for this moment! And now that its --

Boss Hoss:
[interrupt] You just keep talkin' sweetheart, I gotta drain the main vein in my penis. [snoring]

Hambrosia:
I've restrained every natural impulse in my life, and now that I'm in charge, I can finally cut loose.

[big band music plays while it changes to heavy metal music in a second]

The Reverend:
The Gaybegone tribe lived in harmony with denying their nature. They knew that if gayness wasn't nipped in the bud, all of society would be wiped out forever.

The Reverend:
Now we need to lay you on these hot coals and focus your mind.

[Hurlan lays into the hot coals]

Hurlan:
[sniffs] Is somebody barbecuing chump chops?

The Reverend:
Oh, uh, no! All meat is a gateway to the queerpocolypse and the homogeddon.

Hurlan:
Well, that's fascinating. [snoring]

The Reverend:
Now we must pray all the gayness away with the ancient tribal fauxhawk chant.

The Reverend:
Nohomo Nohomo No. Nohomo Nohomo No.

Hurlan:
Preacher? [echoes] Anybody? [echoes] Society?

Hambrosia:
I finally realize disabled people are normal.

[as Sheriff was about to kill Hambrosia]

Hambrosia:
Look at what you're terrible parenting has caused! Take care of it.

Sheriff:
I'll do what my daddy did when he caught me smoking.

Sheriff:
[to her tar-baby] He took me out to the woods, and he slit my throat.

Hambrosia:
I called the order of the 658th weekly support group for women who are genitally useless.

[cuts to the next scene where no women are in her group but herself]

Hambrosia:
That concludes the 658th --

My Mommy the Crow:
If God is everywhere, his mouth is on your dingus at all times.

The Reverend:
I have cut off my meat for the Lord!

The Reverend:
Tain't nothing fruitier than beef. That is why I have gone on a strict banana and big nut diet.

The Reverend:
How do you know that animal you're eating hasn't had homosensual thoughts? It happens to the best of us a thousand times a day.

The Reverend:
God put us here to repress every national urge -

Hambrosia:
Yes. Restraint...

The Reverend:
Now, God made Adam and Eve. He did not made Adam and Beef --

Hambrosia:
OH, RESTRAINT!

Hurlan:
[snoring] Oh, yeah, that smells good. [snoring] Let's wake him up. [snoring] Hit him in the head with your pecker and I'll take a picture. That'll be real funny.

The Reverend:
How long have you been having these urges?

Hurlan:
About as long as I can remember. About five minutes.

The Reverend:
You're having certain feelings?

Hurlan:
Uh-huh.

The Reverend:
You're dancing around the topic! How long you been into dance?

Hurlan:
I'm confused.

The Reverend:
On a spray tan to calf implants, how confused are you?

Hurlan:
I just though I smelled meat.

The Reverend:
No! That is the stench of denial.

Doc:
Have you ever done tobacco?

Hambrosia:
Why did I sin?!

Hambrosia:
I'm pulling the plug on this butts party.

Hurshe:
You can't shut my place down! I got protection from the devil's greatest smokescreen -- Religious freedom.

Hambrosia:
What religion is you?

Hurshe:
We're Chawstafarians. Tobaccy's our sacred herb, and we baptize our sins in the divine saliva of our holy water.

Hambrosia:
I swear on the life of my precious tar-baby, I'll end this obamanation.

Hurlan:
I appreciate you all taking a interest in my edubation.

My Mommy the Crow:
A Mommy spends her whole life telling everyone what they want to hear, but no one asks the Mommy what she wants to hear.

[Sheriff tells Hurshe that Hurlan let a Mexican in their town]

Sheriff:
He let a Mexican in the town!

Hurshe:
He let a Mexican in the town?! That's probably why my room stinks!

Hurshe:
You know, this Mexican's probably the one who stole your wallet!

[Hurshe literally snatched the Sheriff's wallet without even noticing]

Sheriff:
MY WALLET'S, GONE TOO?!

Hurshe:
Oh, everything's gone to hell since that Mexican come to town. He's ruined my life! He's probably the one who stole my self-respect!

Hurshe:
Look at me! I'm disgusting! I used to be special. Now my hoohaw just makes beans. He did this! [sobbing]

[Hurshe's butt spills out massive bean sounds inside of her clothes]

Hambrosia:
Newspapers makes more sense when you read it upside down. It's topsy turvy world man.

Sheriff:
Remember when I told you I wasn't just marrying you 'cause I thought you were gonna inherit the whole town and then I could take that money?

Hambrosia:
Of course, those were you're wedding vows.

Sheriff:
Well...I'm afraid my words are coming back to bite off a little more of my ass than they can chew.

[Sheriff saws Hurshe trying to hang herself]

Sheriff:
[thinking] What a glorious creature. I never noticed how you move. Like the angel of a thousand gazelles...on ice...in a hand cream commercial...during a three hour documentary on love at first sight. I could watch you all day.

Meemaw:
Did you file the missing pecker report with the Sheriff?

Hambrosia:
My husband *is* the Sheriff.

Sheriff:
The Lord broke the mold when he made your lady parts.

Sheriff:
There is mold everywhere!

Hurshe:
Just a sec! Just, uh, powdering my vaginas!

Sheriff:
You got kids? Ew! Gross!

Jordy:
What's going on here?

Hurshe:
Oh, just playing a game with the kids. Right, kids?

Peck-Her:
What is "game"?

Jordy:
Daddy's balls are bluer than Robert Redford's eyes.

Jacket:
Hey, Direne, push these cold cuts. They starting to rot.

Direne:
Aww, just like our love.

Hambrosia:
Have you seen my husband around lately?

Direne:
Having a hard time holding onto your man?

Hambrosia:
Well, I was born without parts, so...

Direne:
You know, I can set you up with a makeshift part. Get his salami smiling from ear-to-ear.

Hambrosia:
Really?

Direne:
Yeah! You just jump on that counter and let me get my staple gun.

Direne:
You got cash?

Hambrosia:
I can pay in pennies.

Hurshe:
Hey, you want to hear a joke?

[knocks on door]

Hurshe:
Who's there?

Hurshe:
Back in the hole, kids! Whoo! Good thing Jordy died before he found out about me and the Sheriff.

Peck-Her:
Is this part of the joke? I get it.

Peck-Her:
Does this mean we're not real either, Peck-Him?

Peck-Him:
I hope we're not real. I'd hate to think that this was the world.

Peck-Her:
Don't worry Peck-Him. It can't be. There's no way life could be as cruel as this.

Peck-Her:
I supposed we're just...echoes of possibility.

Peck-Him:
Why does possibility hurt so much?

Meemaw:
Only the wind knows.

Jacket:
Old Mexican, and a Wop...

[laughter]

Hambrosia:
My life is a joke.

[knock on door]

Hambrosia:
Who's there?

The Reverend:
Sometimes one Man's disgusting is another Man's not quite as disgusting.

Hambrosia:
No one wants me. My parts aren't normal.

The Reverend:
Neither are mine. Let me whip it out. [zipper unzips] You're gonna love it.

Hambrosia:
My god. It's coming out of your -- It's at least 9 inches of beef.

Sheriff:
If I had to stay married to Hambrosia, it would be a fate 10 times worser than death.

Jordy:
Then I sentence thee...to fate.

Sheriff:
Oh, unknowable chaotic force that rules the universe, unlock my intuition. Guide this dart to the person who knows where Hurlan is.

[dart switches back to Sheriff on the forehead]

Sheriff:
Aha! I'm the one who knows! But how do I get that knowledge out of me?

Sheriff:
I know! Intuition!

[Sheriff tries to throw the dart again, but still comes back the way it did in the first place]

Boss Hoss:
I'm sure my pet wolf is happily standing guard.

[cuts to Doc eating Boss's pet wolf while glancing in front of him]

Hurshe:
Put me up on blocks, Doc! It's time for my routine maintenance.

Doc:
You mean you already put another 10,000 miles of pecker up them guts?

Hurshe:
I've won every Miss Heartshe since I was just a glop in my Daddy's glopper, but I might need new guts to continue the streak.

Doc:
Let me get up under that hood. [revving up his power drill]

Hurlan:
This year's Miss Heartshe crown goes to...

[Hurlan looks up his hand again that's covered in pie flavor]

Hurlan:
Pie.

Doc:
Direne, I'm begging you to take this tooth out. I asked everyone I know, and no ones' taking 'em back.

Direne:
I can't take it back. I had a soda dispenser installed.

Doc:
Shoot. Well, can I get a medium purple?

The Reverend:
You got to yank them teeth.

Doc:
I can't do it. I kind of made a promise to a wise old friend.

Great Wisdom Tooth:
Yep.

Hambrosia:
Then I'll take over this town, once I bribe you... cause no one can resist my chicken dinners.

[dramatic music plays]

The Reverend:
All I care about is Hurlan fearing God. One more conversion, and I get my 100th free hat.

[dramatic music plays again]

Clem:
He comes to our land, dazzles us with his boogie, swipes our tender, takes over, then makes me admit that I like to put frozen hamburger meat up in my butt in front of all of you people!

Clem:
That's just sick! I mean, this guy's twisted!

Hurlan:
I want to go back to the old normal, which was the bad normal before this new, wretched version of normal!

Boss Hoss:
If you are watching this tape, it means you are having trouble opening a walnut.

Boss Hoss:
Well, now, you forget about that. I got more important stuff.

Cutter the Vet:
My wife is pregnant!

The Reverend:
It's an immaculate conception! This could be the second coming.

The Reverend:
Let me go over there, reach in, and see if I can feel the maker.

Cutter the Vet:
Great. I'll stand here and guard your book.

[The Reverend's hand goes into the bathroom door gate hole, which transfers into his book, which also makes his hand touch the Vet's private area where he's standing at to guard it]

Cutter the Vet:
[moans]

The Reverend:
What a resurrection!

Hambrosia:
What do you want?

Doc:
I heard there was a rapist around, so I'm just checking on you.

Hambrosia:
Oh, why don't you check on my sister? I have a funny feeling she's dead.

Doc:
A twofer.

Hurshe:
Daddy, what would you say if I told you my brother was gonna have a son?

Boss Hoss:
A son? I'd say "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."

[Hurshe takes off her cloth disguise to reveal the baby]

Hurshe:
Say hello to your grandson.

Boss Hoss:
"...Haw"?

Hurshe:
I got you by the "Heir" of you chinny-chin balls!

Hurlan:
It's Halloween.

[slurping noises]

Hurlan:
It's Halloween... and I made a casserole.

Hotline:
911 -- What's your emergency?

Cutter the Vet:
What?

Hotline:
Sir, what is your emergency?

Cutter the Vet:
Uh, I don't have an emergency.

Hotline:
I hope this isn't some sort of prank.

Cutter the Vet:
Uh, no.

Hotline:
It's a federal offense to false call emergency services.

Cutter the Vet:
I have an emergency.

Hotline:
Good. What is it?

Cutter the Vet:
I found two dead bodies.

[Sheriff runs in]

Sheriff:
WHERE ARE THE BODIES?!

Cutter the Vet:
I just made it up.

[Sheriff checks Vet's closet and literally sees two dead bodies that he lied about on his ear necklace phone]

Cutter the Vet:
How'd those get in here?

Sheriff:
I should be asking you.

Cutter the Vet:
I called 911. Why would I call 'em myself?

Sheriff:
Maybe it's the most perfect crime of all -- Innocence.

Sheriff:
Thanks for calling it in. We'll find the black bastard that did this.

Hurlan:
Daddy, you're okay! Did he hurt you? Show me on the butthole where he punched you in the face.

Boss Hoss:
Let's just let bygones be bygones.

Hurlan:
How 'bout I go buy guns?!

Doc:
Well, Sheriff, I did a full cavity search but nothing tasted fishy, so I got to know these bodies inside and out, and in and out, and I found out a lot...

Doc:
About myself.

Sheriff:
What'd you learn?

Doc:
There's some sick people out there.

Sheriff:
You can't just go around killing folks to get your rod hard. I'm a Sheriff...and that's my job.

Hurshe:
What are y'all doing?

The Reverend:
What the hell?!

[The Reverend tries to stab the Vet's hand that's in his book from the bathroom door gate to make sure it wasn't a sex thing]

Cutter the Vet:
Aah! It bit me!

The Reverend:
It's a miracle! A stigmata! The gloriest of all holes.

Hurshe:
I get it. I'll leave you boys to your christian business.

Hurshe:
Mind if I go now?

Reporter:
Mind? You can --?

[urine splashes]

Reporter:
Oh. That kind of go.

Hurshe:
Care to join me?

[after Boss Hoss killed the two citizens, Boss Hoss's dead body gets sent here for court]

Boss Hoss:
Now, Mr. Heartshe, you don't mind if I call you Hoss, do me?

[Boss Hoss's Dead Body has no response]

Boss Hoss:
Thank you, Hoss. Now, Mr. Heartshe, where were you when the murders took place?

[Boss Hoss's Dead Body still has no response]

Boss Hoss:
What's that, Hoss? You can't speak? Because you are dead? So you can't be held responsible for anything you do.

Boss Hoss:
Like even if you were to smear dook on the judge's wife's nardsack?

Court Judge:
This preposterous. I find you both guilty, and I sentence you to re-death!

Doc:
By the way, when I'm done, mind if I keep the bodies? I make cash on the side selling meat to Pyng Howse.

Sheriff:
That's why the food's so cheap.

[Hurlan shows a wanted paper to Hurshe to know who the killer is]

Hurlan:
You seen this guy?

Hurshe:
That's my first boyfriend. He use to sneak into my room when I was a teen and forced me to consensually become a woman. Then he'd become a man on my face.

Hurlan:
I'm gonna chop him into little pieces and throw 'em at a monkey! Then I'm gonna scream, "Who's the monkey now?!"

Hurshe:
You stay away from him! And don't you dare go searching for Hambrosia and get her to use her creepy powers to go track him down -- Even though I probably gave you the idea to do just that. Stupid.

Hurlan:
Think you could use your ungodly powers to mentally sniff this a-hole out?

[Hambrosia makes a dial-up beeping sound with her mouth]

Hurlan:
Dongmeat! I ain't got a fax machine.

Sheriff:
I'm getting a rational posse together -- An impartial mob of fair-minded rabble to cut him open and slop around in his guts the civilized way.

Jacket:
Remember, if you can't remember it, you didn't do it!

Hurshe:
Where's my hymen?

Racoon:
I remember that thing. I gave it to Doc as a tip after he did my penis reduction surgery.

Boss Hoss:
Alright, Hurlan, what's your plan?

[Hurlan thinks and starts to pat his butt]

Boss Hoss:
That's your plan, boy?

Hurlan:
Do you like it?

Hambrosia:
I gettin' the christy crawly feeling Doc's performing back-alley partial tooth extractions!

Hambrosia:
Oh, its time someone stood up and gave voice to all those innocent mouths.

Hurlan:
I'm gonna call you, uh, Callyou. Now I'm your big brother and I'm gonna teach the in's and out's of this butthole called world.

Hurlan:
Alright, Now uh...

[Callyou starts to pee in front of him]

Hurlan:
I guess you...you can start by cleaning up my piss. Sorry about that Callyou, I'm a go get you a towel.

Hurlan:
Hey, ya'll, check out my little brother!

Bar Redneck:
Oh, he's so cute!

Clem:
Oh, I could just sleep in them cheeks. Oh, he's the cutest little boy in town! He's my favorite.

Bar Redneck:
He makes me forget my troubles and remember I'm white.

Jacket:
He makes me believe in a higher power. What I call "Kleeeemtoooch."

Clem:
Oh, he's just better than certain people. He makes me love others around him less. [staring at Hurlan]

Hurlan:
Callyou, stop showing off now.

Jacket:
He is just a little angel is what he is. [realizes] Which means he's dead.

Jacket:
If I ever find the son of a b*tch what murdered him...WAS IT YOU?! [points to Hurlan] You always been jealous of him!

Hurlan:
What?! No! HE'S A DOG! HE'S A DIRTY DOG! Now get over here. Come on. Bad dog!

Jacket:
Where's he going? He's disappearing. [voice breaking] I miss him so terribly.

Hambrosia:
Why don't you cut off Hurshe's butt-lube budget? She sops it up by the pool!

Hurshe:
That is just for when I'm doing it doggy style and the dog starts to chafe!

Hurshe:
Why don't you cut off the medical expenses for the voices in her head?!

Hambrosia's Voices:
No deal!

Jojo:
You don't need them.

Hurlan:
[sobbing] You always know just what to say.

Jojo:
All we need is each other.

Hurlan:
Later. [sniffles] I got a lot of work to do.

Jojo:
[sobbing]

Hurlan:
I'm sick of being a high-and-mighty hoity-toity fancy pants. I just want to be a low-and-tooty, fresh-and-fruity equal!

The Reverend:
You know who gives the tootiest high? Why it's God's mighty book of the word.

The Reverend:
It's always sad to to see such a small coffin. Doc, you gonna tell us how it died?

[Doc stands up looking at his private area knowing his penis has been cut off for his memorial before starting his speech]

Doc:
It was crazy. I was just doing my normal Friday routine. I noticed something odd. I thought it was choking on a chicken bone, so I gave it the heimlich!

Doc:
That thing was like a brother to me!

Doc:
We used to pal around and wrestle. He liked to hold me down and hang a lugie in my face, then slurp it up right before it hit.

Boss Hoss:
I just rolled around in some lady hay and waited 9 months till she squoze you out a baby brother.

Doc:
Sorry. You're gonna have to close up shop on the Hurshe highway.

Hurshe:
What?! Please, it's been 20 minutes! I've never gone this long before! My butt is so wet for you right now.

Doc:
I can do a canary test to be sure.

[Doc puts the canary into Hurshe's vagina for a few seconds which turns the canary into a chicken drumstick that spells "Diablo" (Devil)]

Doc:
This could be a pussession!

[Hurshe's vagina then vomits brown stuff on the wall that says "Diablo Dominus" (Devil Master)]

Doc:
That ain't English! The Devil comes to this country, he ought to speak our language. We're dealing with a beast from the fiery depths of the unholy world beneath us...Mexico.

Hurshe:
I have been doing chupacabra style lately.

[Hurshe then sees a goat licking the brown stuff on the wall that Hurshe's vagina just puked up]

Hurshe:
Hey! Get that dog out of here!

Jacket:
So, you've decided to become a lynch mob. Congratulations. Now, this video will teach you how to slake your mindless bloodlust with dignity in just 117 easy steps.

Jacket:
Step One -- Don't sexually harass your lynch buddy. Sensually harass your lynch buddy. Make each grope last. Delay ejaculation as long as possible.

Jacket:
Here's some images that just may help.

[shows a bunch of images of tantric harassment]

Jacket:
Rule Two -- It's gonna be a long night, and you're gonna be thirsty for blood, so stay hydrated -- With a cold Heartshe Lite Brew. "Hate-bash ready!"

Jacket:
Remember, the Holler of Heartshe is committed to diversity. Make sure you're lynching every type of different, from Jew to fruit and Black again.

Jacket:
It's all about tolerance.

[shows a white naked guy dressed up as a black guy carrying bags of money while moving from the screen]

Jacket:
See what they can tolerate.

[Reverend does a mexorcism on Hurshe's demonic vagina]

The Reverend:
Oh, devil from the murky depths of Mexico, get out of our country! You sneak into our souls and take jobs away from American devils! Get out! Pick our fruit, raise our children, and then GET OOOUUT!

Devil:
Demonus Diablus! Homo Erectus!

The Reverend:
SPEAK ENGLISH IN THE NAME OF GOD!

Devil:
You don't really believe in God.

The Reverend:
OF COURSE I DO, YOU REFRIED BEANDEMON!

Devil:
How can you believe in a God that would create so much suffering in this world?

The Reverend:
Well, I don't...it's just...well, it's complicated.

Devil:
[mocking] Well, I don't! Oh it's complicated! Crisis of faith much?

The Reverend:
This thing is asking too many questions, Hurshe! I say you just caulk it up and call it a day!

Sheriff:
Doc, ever since Hurshe been out of commission, my part's done given up on life.

Doc:
Let me take a gander at it.

[unzips Sherrif's penis]

Doc:
Oh! It's just skin and bone. You gotta fatten that thing up.

[Doc gives Sheriff's penis the meat for it to munch on]

Sheriff:
What the hell is it doing?!

Doc:
Sometimes when you stop getting nookie, a man's part will seek sublimation by other means. It's plumping up already.

[Sheriff's penis burps]

Sheriff:
Excuse you. You're gonna get 40 licks for that.

Doc:
As long as it ain't sticking in no chicken, you best keep that turkey stuffed. Just don't go overboard or I'll have to put her down.

Hurshe:
How do you do it? How do you stay happy? Where does all that frisky fire go? That peckerthirst that can never be slaked?

Hambrosia:
I bottle it up.

Hurshe:
BUT WHERE DOES IT GO?!

[Hurshe's ears start to bleed]

Hambrosia:
Your mind is becoming a woman.

Hurshe:
Do I need to get some brainpons?

[Sherrif makes his penis throw up in the restroom]

The Reverend:
Why you making that thing puke? Get your finger out of its throat!

Sheriff:
It's too fat!

The Reverend:
Sheriff, you're peckerexic.

Sheriff:
It's just influenced by unrealistic imagisms from the Jewrotic media.

Sheriff:
Oh, please don't tell Doc. Please! It'll do anything. It'll...gobble your turkey neck.

The Reverend:
Well...bawk bawk.

[The Reverend unbelt his penis to make out with Sheriff's penis, and then they act like it was no big deal and started to have a conversation about themselves]

Sheriff:
So, how you been, Preach?

The Reverend:
Well, I recently realized that God is just a cruel joke on man and we're all alone in the universe.

The Reverend:
And so I'm giving up the preacherhood. But enough about me. How are you holding up?

Sheriff:
I'm good. I just wish that, you know, this whole situation could get back on its normal diet of hurshbush. But there --

[The Reverend snoring]

Sheriff:
Yeah, that's cool, bro.

Doc:
I'm back, baby! It's back in business!

Jacket:
What the hell are you talking about?

Doc:
I was tinkering in my lab, and I removed my dog's genitals, and I put the parts on me. I'm bigger and better than ever!

All:
[cheered]

Doc:
My dog, she's always been a good dog. [voice breaks] Sweet girl. She is a good girl dog. Ever since she was a lady puppy girl dog. So female.

Hurlan:
Embarassing me at the bar. Think you're so cute, huh? Want a doggy treat? Nope! Can't have it!

Hurlan:
[whining] I'm the baby of this town! I'm the baby!

Callyou:
I have something to say!

Hurlan:
A talking dog?

Callyou:
Hoss be danged.

Hurlan:
Hoss be damned!

Hambrosia:
Tain't nothin' stronger than the love between sexless sisters!

Hurshe:
You treat that boy like a dog..

Hambrosia:
We turn him into a dog!

[Callyou turns into a goat]

Hurshe:
[to Hurlan] And you -- You ain't nothing' but Hoss's dancing monkey!

[Hurlan turns into a chicken]

Hambrosia:
No! That's my husband!

Hurshe:
He's just threatened by female uselessness.

Hambrosia:
He's liberated!

Hurshe:
Hey, Doc, can you switch out my back bottom pooper, too, while you're down there?

Doc:
Sorry. I already switched out this dog's butthole for Preacher's brain.

[cuts to the next scene where The Reverend is praying while having the dog's butthole in his brain]

The Reverend:
My faith has been restored, Lord. Religion makes perfect sense.

Jordy:
You see, your conscience always mules in to get you in the end. Of course...If all that's true [chuckles] Well, that means I'm not real. and that, uh, 9 inches of beef was really 9 inches of --

[Jordy vanishes out of existence]

Hurlan:
Are you a "My Mommy?"

My Mommy the Crow:
Of course, I'm your Mommy! And I love you and I'll always be you, and you're not a rancid goon.

My Mommy the Crow:
And that dream you had about a horse with a crab head would make a great movie!

Hurlan:
I know right?!

My Mommy the Crow:
And you're not drooling like a simp right now.

Hurlan:
[literally drooling] Wow. you mean it?

My Mommy the Crow:
Yeah! And you didn't just pop a happy squirt of diarrhea into your slacks right...

[Hurlan starts to squirt diarrhea into his pants]

My Mommy the Crow:
...now!

[Meemaw tries to curse a bird]

Meemaw:
Whatever person is most near, speak only words they most long to hear.

My Mommy the Crow:
[mimicking] What a clever curse. You're the sharpest piece of ass in town.

Hurlan:
Maybe I can play cupid and rekindle the light of his love log.

Boss Hoss:
Where are you taking me, boy?

Hurlan:
Third base, Daddy, in the games of lovesketball.

[Hurlan takes Hoss' blindfold off]

Hurlan:
It's Mommy, and she wants you back!

Boss Hoss:
I'm having roasted squab with a damn "boid"?

My Mommy the Crow:
And when I killed myself, it wasn't 'cause of you, it was 'cause of some other stuff, like...gum.

Hurlan:
Why, just last night she didn't get totally dookie faced and go down on seven truckers. Or was it 10?

Hurlan:
Mama, is that true? Are I am a idjit?

My Mommy the Crow:
No! You're the finest man in the Holler and the only Heartshe alive.

My Mommy the Crow:
Your dumb sisters ain't real kin.

Sheriff's Record Player:
Uh-huh. That's interesting.

Hambrosia:
What do you mean, honey? I'm not saying anything.

Sheriff's Record Player:
Uh-huh. That's really interesting.

Hambrosia:
What's interesting? I'm not talking. Being silly. I mean, how could that be interesting if I'm not saying anything?

[Sheriff finally came home outside the window to turn his record player off to tell here why it's interesting]

Sheriff:
I know, baby doll. That's what so interesting.

Hambrosia:
Ohh. I suppose that is interesting.

Hurlan:
Doesn't seem so long ago I was a lonely boy with a heart full of wishes. Now that I'm a man, I've learned myself, it ain't so bad being a monkey.

Doc:
I recommend using a lube with sand in it. It's a nice way to exfoliate your goat's nostrils.

My Mommy the Crow:
Stick your pecker in my cage. Maybe I'll make it my cuttlebone.

Doc:
I don't know. This relationship is moving so fast.

My Mommy the Crow:
Don't wanna flip the bird? What are you chicken? Bok-bok!

Doc:
Now you're speaking my language.

Sheriff:
I popped so many times, it's just dust and backwash shooting out now.

Sheriff:
I ran out of coital pud some 30-odd squirts ago.

Hurshe:
You wanna squirt on my dirt next or dirt on my squirter?

[Sheriff pulls out a hole slot puncher from his butt]

Sheriff:
Let's open them cans of yours.

Hurlan:
I hate to cream on your charade, but I'm afraid I'm excited to tell you that you ain't a Heartshe!

Hambrosia:
What?

Hurlan:
Remember how I just told you that you ain't a Heartshe and your whole life is a lie?

Hambrosia:
I do. But that's impossible. I can feel my heartshe blood burning my veins.

Hurlan:
Well, better not bother trying to get the heartshe discount on that carpet cleaning. Whoo!

Hurshe:
Doc! I'm having an identity crisis! I don't know who I am anymore!

My Mommy the Crow (Doc's Body):
A great place to look for yourself is in the bottom of a bottle.

Hurshe:
Thanks, Doc. You're a genius!

Boss Hoss:
I told you she's a can of whore worms! She sucks you in, and then she gets lit and flooziess off with every tom, dick and penis in town.

[Hurlan hides Hambrosia's brain to avoid Sherrif finding a Mexican]

Sheriff:
I'm lookin' for something, and I ain't saying "What".

Hurlan:
If it's a Mexican, I ain't seen one.

Sheriff:
I didn't say nothing about no Mexican.

Hurlan:
Good. 'Cause I certainly wouldn't invite one to town to do everything for me just 'cause they're so sweet and cuddly.

Sheriff:
What kind of diabolical schemes you got going on in that head of yours?

[Hurlan daydreams in front of the camera again]

Boss Hoss:
United we will be stronger than the sum of our hollers. This arranged marriage will be a merger of titans. We'll be a Yokeltopia, a hill-adise to end all billy-opolies.

Ross Headhe:
And your fine boy is willing to get hitched to my daughter to unify us?

Boss Hoss:
He is so excited, he may wipe the dog dook off his finger.

[cuts to Hurlan smelling the dog dook off his finger]

Ross Headhe:
Well, then, it's settled. The Heartshes and The Headhes shall become one!

[Ross checks and sniffs his finger to see if he still have dook on it]

Boss Hoss:
This family, they have exactly what we need to help bail us out the fiscal hole we in -- A CREDIT CARD!

Sheriff:
I just consummated my arm with our love. Let's freak!

Hurshe:
Why the hell would you get a tattoo of your secret mistress who's also your wife's sister and who's also breaking up with you right now?

Sheriff:
You can't break up with me! We just got tattoos of each other!

Hurshe:
No, you just got tattoos of each other.

[Sheriff sees his left arm tattoo of his face in it]

Sheriff:
Aw, shucky duck! I thought that was your arm.

Sheriff:
Yeah! Ruin her beautiful, sensuous face, those "come suck me" lips, and sexy nose that makes you wanna betray your creepy wife and be with her always.

Hambrosia:
Doc, I think I may have a problem with cutting myself.

My Mommy the Crow (Doc's Body):
You're just cutting your way to the truth -- That you're the most special Heartshe ever and all other Heartshes are ugly and run like monkeys.

Hurlan:
I hate you, My Mommy, you betraitor!

[Hurlan runs away chattering like a monkey]

[Peck-Him laughs]

Peck-Him:
What was that?

Hurshe:
It's called laughter.

Jordy:
Next time you try and kill a man and hide him in your rump, you better make sure he's really dead.

Hurlan:
Day 178. Or could it be Day 3. I don't know I never learned to count. I named my new civilization, Hurltopia.

Hurlan:
I'm not searching for serious relationship, I'm just and Adam looking for his Eve.

Hurlan:
My hobbies include attempting to repopulate a planet that collapsed under its moral decay.

Hurlan:
I'm kind of a gym rat. Everyday I do 50 push-ups [snoring], 50 pull-ups... [snoring] ...and 50 jumping jacks.

[Hurlan only did 1 because the frame is 1 per second]

Hurlan:
The only law of this eden -- No meat, for meat destroys society by bringing about him-ay-sexual predators.

Hurlan:
If there's anyone out there, somewhere in the universe, please find me. Oh, and no fatties.

[Hambrosia sees her tar-baby smoking]

Hambrosia:
I've spent all my time off condemning the world. I should have been right here at home...condemning you.

Hurlan:
Hurltopia is a botched abortion!

The Reverend:
The ugliness that was inside of me...is cleansed.

Sheriff:
I have presumed ugliness inside me, Preacher. It's quite likely I did bad things to a boy.

The Reverend:
You've come to the right tribe.

[then Sheriff and The Reverend head to do some Gaybegone Indian rituals while The Reverend brings his lotion with him he had in his undies the entire time]

Hurlan:
But, Daddy, I ain't never even kissed an alive girl before.

[Ross coughs up blood]

Ross Headhe:
I think I'll, uh, take a raincheck.

Hurshe:
A golden raincheck with chunks of beef stew in it.

Hurshe:
I can arrange a revirgination.

Jacket:
You look crappin' mad, Hursh. Tell you what -- I'll clear a spot for you to take a load off.

[Jacket starts to harass Hurshe by smoothing his goatee]

Jacket:
There it is. Mmm!

Hurshe:
You best cough up my hymen! I need that rascal back tout de suite!

Cutter the Vet:
I sold it to Preacher. He said he ran out of sacrament crackers and needed something real crumbly and salty. [chuckles]

Hambrosia:
Is something wrong?

Sheriff:
I, uh, was just thinking of a joke I once heard.

[laughs nervously]

Hambrosia:
Tell me the joke while I make her more ugly, more hideous!

Sheriff:
Aah! Okay. A Mexican, A Jew, An Arab...

[few minutes later]

Sheriff:
...A Coon, A Wog, A Wetneck...

Ross Headhe:
That Meemaw milk is a miracle! I'm 83.4% healed!

Ross Headhe:
If you can give me some more of that health pucky, I won't make you marry my hideous daughter. [referring to Hurlette]

Boss Hoss:
There ain't gonna be no wedding after all!

All:
[cheers and applause]

Hurshe:
There will be a wedding after all!

All:
[groan]

Hurshe:
There won't be a wedding after all.

[Hurlan suddenly pulls a ring case inside the front of his pants]

Hurlan:
There will be a wedding after all...

[all gasp]

Hurshe:
Come on! Where's it at! Tell me where it is!

Doc:
Don't you remember, Hursh. I used your hymen for the surgery when I gave you a nosejob. You see, it was within you all along.

Hurshe:
You know I thought I smell garbage.

Doc:
Mhmm.

Hurshe:
I guess I can let Ross Headhe know my virginified nostrils are open for his business.

Female Advert Speaker:
Looking for a discreet, sophisticated place to drain your balls? Heartshe Brothel.

Female Advert Speaker:
Is your wife, cousin, and sister a woman who is no longer putting out? Tape a treat to your meat and let rover take over.

Female Advert Speaker:
All our prostitutes are cage-raised wolves so they can't talk back, say no, or laugh at your slender nub.

Female Advert Speaker:
There's Trixie. She's not potty-trained -- She's naughty-trained. She can roll over and shake...dat ass. And if you make a mess, she'll rub your nose in it.

Female Advert Speaker:
Or Lobolita. She's legal -- In dog years. And she's shaved as the day she was born. We call her Vagina "Denny's" 'cause it's always open.

Female Advert Speaker:
Or "Sick Grandma" -- This big bad wolf will give you some fairy tail. She's nothin' but gums, and, hubba-hubba, does she bite.

Female Advert Speaker:
Or Candy -- Her snout is members only, and she just got back from Singapore, where she learned ancient Chinese suckit. Her gag reflex was surgically removed -- From her rectum.

Female Advert Speaker:
Or do you desire a deeper, more emotionally fulfilling experience? Then scram, creep. We don't serve Jews.

Female Advert Speaker:
Come teety-freak these shaggy she-beast all night.

Grub:
Sheriff, they gone -- All my prostitutes and I know she set 'em free!

Hurshe:
Naw! Those poor things probably ran away, they had such a sad life.

Grub:
Ah, your just jealous of my fine brothel 'cause we cut into your sleazy beeswax.

Hurshe:
Everyone knows I offer superior product than animals. I bite harder, I yowl louder, and I don't charge extra to eat my own poo.

Sheriff:
Cha-ching.

Hurlan:
I'm having nightmares, Daddy. I wet and solided the bed...and ceiling.

Boss Hoss:
Night terrors, huh? Well, that's what TV's for. You just pop the tube's boob into the pie hole of your eye hole. Get your bone out and zone out! [echoes]

Boss Hoss:
I was forced to install a surveillance system all around town to make sure that none of the citizens around here were engaging in any depraved sexual activities without me watching, engorged.

Boss Hoss:
It was the '70s!

Sheriff:
Oh, you're speaking jibber-jabber, boy. I'm not from Jibberslavia. I don't speak Jabbernese.

Sheriff:
I got wolf-titutes loose in town. And if they bite someone we could have a wereslut in our hands.

Sheriff:
You got diarrhea of the poppycock, 'cause that gobbledygook's all Chinese to me, turkey.

Sheriff:
I got to solve this crisis quick, before my mind become hurla-fried by the werelan transformation.

Hurlan:
Oh, it's the Injun Curse. I told you.

Sheriff:
Quit talking malarkey, boy. You got flim in your flam, clap in your trap, and hog in your wash.

Hurlan:
What are you nattering about?

Sheriff:
Oh, no. My mind is fading fast.

Sheriff:
Well, why do prostitutes do what they do? To put themselves through college! So if I start a free wolf college, they'll come runnin'! I best get to work fast. This could be the last smart idea I ever have.

Hurlan:
[scoffs]

Hambrosia:
Hey, guys, it's wing nickel night at the bar! Give 'em a wing and get all the nickles you can eat!

Jacket:
Hot dog Mexican, Hot dog Jew.

Clem:
Hot dog.

Jacket:
Uh, hot dog. Big hot dog black guy!

Sheriff:
Don't y'all hot dog, hot dog, injun hot dog?!

Hurlan:
I'll make fun of you, too! I'll make fun of you, too! Lookit. Lookit.

Hurlan:
Hot dog. Hot dog. Hot dog?

Sheriff:
[crying] Hot dog.

Hurlan:
[speaking foreign language] I bring-em bone for truce. Please make-em Injun curse go away.

Wereslut:
You are speaking gibberish. Which is in fact the language of the proud Native Crazywolf Tribe.

Female Advert Speaker:
Are you the manifestation of a decimated native peoples in wolf form looking to spurt away centuries of oppression?

Female Advert Speaker:
Hurlan's mouth is open for your business.

[Peck-Him and Peck-Her staring at the wall]

Peck-Him:
Isn't the outside world beautiful?

Hurshe:
You have something of mine, Preach!

The Reverend:
If you're talking about your hymen, I ain't seen that old thing since raccoons broke in here.

The Reverend:
I think they're living in the bushes behind the Suck N' Bite off route 38.

[Sheriff had sex with Hurshe and Ashley]

Sheriff:
You girls ready for round deuce?

The Reverend:
Why can't I pay the price?!

Hurlan:
Why can't I make him pay the price?!

Hambrosia:
As a tribute to my tar-baby, I hereby ban all tobacco from Heartshe Holler!

Tooth:
Why you do what you do?

[Hambrosia humping Jordy inside of The Reverend's body in his butt]

Hambrosia:
This is how I always imagined sex to be!

Jordy:
Oh, this feels incredible! You tell the Sheriff if I can marry his wife, he can have my skank woman (referring to Hurshe) and he can live.

The Reverend:
I don't want to be a stick in the mud, but you're kind of putting me in an awkward position here.

Reporter:
Hey, there. I just need some gas.

Direne:
Well, you better get your honky ass to a gas station.

Reporter:
Oh, I, uh, I thought I was at a gas station.

Direne:
Ooh, you thought. Smart-ass stranger sashay into town thinking...telling us what to thinks. Well I think you come into town to laugh at us like we your dancin' monkey.

Direne:
Wanna see me dance like a monkey, huh?

Reporter:
No, no. I just need gas.

Direne:
Oh, now you're too good to watch me dance like a monkey, huh?!

Reporter:
No. I-I'll watch you dance.

[Direne imitates like a monkey]

Direne:
I've never been so humiliated in my life.

Direne:
What is the secret? You dig it up yet? I just gotta know.

Reporter:
Ooh, no I'm really not interested. I-I just need some gas.

Direne:
Then piss off!

[Sheriff got stabbed with a knife by Boss Hoss]

Sheriff:
I need back-up...to put a booby-trappin' bastard on trial for murder!

Sheriff:
T-Two counts.

Hurshe:
Damn, Hambrosia. In your desperate suckin' at the teat of sanctitty, you killed my one way ticket to sleazy street.

Hurshe:
Just wait till she sinks her church-lovin' chompers into my revengewich...one cement on rye, hold the decency.

Boss Hoss's Tapes:
"Guess what?"

Boss Hoss:
Chicken butt?

Mystery Man (Xavier):
Sir, I purchased your Heartshe-Brand Chaw and was disabused upon something untoward therein.

Boss Hoss:
I admit, you got me by the meatiest and most tumorous part of my nads.

Mystery Man (Xavier):
That all depends on who I am. I assure you, I am a proud member of this community. But if I tell you, you'll kill me.

Boss Hoss:
I don't like being put in this kind of position.

Mystery Man (Xavier):
We all have positions we don't like. Up the butt.

Hurshe:
Who's talking about me? My bootyhole is burning!

Boss Hoss:
Hurshe! A omen has foretold the Holler's demise unless we can find the identity of this portentous nimrod.

Hurshe:
Well, my peckerdar ain't hard.

The Reverend:
Don't open that door! Just give me a second! Taking a poo! It's sort of halfway out, so maybe I should try to push it back in!

[groaning]

The Reverend:
Okay, it's out.

Cutter the Vet:
Just a sec! I just got to process some pretty heavy feelings. Why?! Why?!

[Mystery Man (Xavier) spins his head]

Cutter the Vet:
Oh, that's Sheriff! He does that crazy head-turn trick at parties all the time.

Sheriff:
Don't come in!

[imitates monkey screeching]

Sheriff:
There's a monkey loose in here! I just got to get rid of it in my meat grinder.

[imitates motor whirring]

Sheriff:
It's totally gone now.

Sheriff:
A clue! "Ham" is short for "Hambrosia and Cheese," but who loves cheese sandwhiches?

Sheriff:
It's Hambrosia!

My Mommy The Crow:
Yeah! Run away! That's what your best at!

Hurlan:
I thought her heart would spread its legs just for me, but that affection hussy'll maternalize anything that moves.

Chow Mein:
Hey, man, you better get rid of us. We're the bodies, man. You got to get rid of the evidence!

Cutter The Vet:
Relax. I got this. [pulls up two chopsticks getting ready to eat]

Chow Mein:
You're gonna get caught, man. We're a lot of Mein, man. You didn't order a beverage, man -- To wash us down?

Hambrosia:
Oh! Just a second! Don't come in!

Hambrosia's Mirror:
She just has her leg stuck in a bear trap!

Hambrosia:
I just have to chew off my leg! Raar, raar! Raar, raar! Just got to wait for my leg to grow back! [grunting]

[Mystery Man (Xavier) suddenly burn smoke out of his head]

Hambrosia:
This guy stinks like a colostomy tampon.

Townsfolk:
"Hey, Doc, A snake bit me in the pecker, and I had to suck out the poison! Soon as I was done, I rushed over here."

Doc:
"What kind of snake was it?"

Townsfolk:
"Well, I can't remember. It was 9 months ago."

Doc:
Hold on! Just a sec! There's a...a bunch of gnomes in here!

Doc (imitating gnomes):
"Yeah, we're just getting in our mushroom cars". Vroom! Vroom!

Doc:
Hey, cool cars, guys!

Doc (imitating gnomes):
"We think you're cool, too. And cute. Want to get busy? Oh, yeah, Doc! Oh, yeah, Doc! Your unit is so big"! "I'm gonna pop"! Pwwffssh!

Doc:
Man, you popped 'cause my thing was so big?

Doc (imitating gnomes):
"Yeah, we're dead now".

Sheriff:
Could you shut your pie hole and pinch off your word loaf?

The Reverend:
Miss Heartshe, will you kindly look in here and tell me what you see.

Hambrosia:
I see a noble murderer.

The Reverend:
I don't see no murderer in here. Possibly a guy who's done some very bad things, but murder? Not technically.

The Reverend:
See, I got out of there before any of that could be determined.

Boss Hoss:
Hurlan Heartshe. You are the potentate of this entire boonieverse, but your approval ratings are down to 2.3 donkeys.

Boss Hoss:
How you gonna fool these rubes into believing that you're a great leader?

[Hurlan daydreaming in front of the camera]

Hurlan:
I get your point, Daddy. I'll clean my room.

Boss Hoss:
Think leadership.

Hurlan:
The only reason I didn't clean my room was I forgot 'cause it was too messy.

Boss Hoss:
Shut up about your room! Your room don't matter.

Hurlan:
Good, 'cause to be honest, I wasn't really gonna clean my room.

Hurlan:
What's a Mexican?

Boss Hoss:
Well, that's just somebody that does the work and don't get none of the reward.

Hurlan:
That's what I need -- A Mexican to clean my room!

Hurshe:
Wait, I just mustard up a doozy.

Sheriff:
Eww! SMEAR IT ON MY FACE!

Hurlan:
Hey, I need your help with something.

Cutter The Vet:
You want me to strangle someone to death? Rape 'em back into life? [laughs] Let me at 'em!

Hurlan:
No, I just need you bring me a Mexican.

Cutter The Vet:
GET OUT! How dare you even consider bringing a Mexican into Heartshe?!

[spits Hurlan]

Cutter The Vet:
Have some respect for my home. I got dead children here, sicko. It's all right, little ones. The bad man was just leaving.

Hurlan:
I AIN'T NEVER GONNA GET MY OWN PERSONAL MEXICAN!

[Mystery Man (Xavier) ascended through the air]

All:
Oh, Meemaw!

Meemaw:
I like myself. I'm not so feeble-minded I must retreat into fantasy.

Hurshe:
Let's rile my sis up so furious at Hurlan, she explodes him with her mind! With him dead and her in stir for first-degree brain-blowing, I'm left to take over, you at my side, humping me into the sunset.

Sheriff:
Oh, I'll have her brain beside itself with... [echoes] rage. Soon, her wingnut noodle will be eating out the palm of my... [echoes] plan. Hurlan is a formidable foe, but we got his ass in our teeth now! [laughs]

[cuts to the next scene where Hurlan still daydreaming]

Sheriff:
Say this is Hurshe. [mention Hurlan] He said I'd be like..."Hurshe, I cherish every second that we're together away from that crazy wife of mine."

Sheriff:
[to Hambrosia] God, I wish this was really you right now.

Sheriff:
Can you believe he said that?!

Hambrosia:
THE WICKED SHALL PAY FOR HIS MENDACITY!

Sheriff:
Blow him up with your mind.

[as Hambrosia tries to blow Hurlan up with her mind, her head starts to feel weird]

Hambrosia:
It's not working. My powers -- They're...gone.

Sheriff:
WHAT?! NO?! HELLFIRE HIM TO SMITHERS!

Hambrosia:
[hippie accent] You know, I'm gonna let him slide on this one. What good is violence anyway?

Sheriff:
You lost your crazy, girl? I just said that I'm in love with your sister. [meant to say Hurlan] Well, he said.

Hambrosia:
[hippie accent] It's cool. Those are just words, man. Words are just vibrating air.

Hurlan:
"Dear whoever finds my body, I don't want to live in a world where I have to clean my own room, so I am going to eat 1,000 pieces of candy so I explode to bits and die."

Sheriff:
Focus! Where could your brain go?

Hambrosia:
What is "go," man? A thing can't go anywhere 'cause if it arrives, it's still there. It's like...this poem I wrote.

Hurlan:
Now I want a real honkin' hoohaw.

[chattering]

Hurlan:
Honkier.

[chattering]

Hurlan:
Honkier!

[Hambrosia's brain squirts out brain semen all over Hurlan's face]

Hambrosia:
Don't you people get it? This is, like, the first thing ever that makes sense. You complain about the wind? What have you done with your life?

Hambrosia:
Ever made a bird soar? Not just in his butt but in his mind? I wrote a poem about it.

Hambrosia:
"Wind is just air taking a joy in a freedom Lamborghini with the top down, letting the wind blow through its hair. But you want to put that wind in jail, put air in electric chair? What are we to breathe the constitution? What does that even mean, man? Isn't man mean, man?"

Hurlan:
I tried to be a good leader, but I blew it! What do I do now, Daddy?!

[Hurlan unpause the tv]

Boss Hoss:
Stab your friends in the back. I repeat -- Do not --

[Hurlan pauses the tv again]

Hurlan:
Got it! No need to repeat it!

[Jordy has an serious chat with Psycho Mike (as The Reverend)]

Jordy:
Nice digs, Psycho Mike.

The Reverend:
When did you get out, Jordy?

Jordy:
You mean, when did I finish serving time because you didn't kill the Sheriff who fingered me in court?

The Reverend:
I-I tried! But you know I was never the killer. I was always the mule.

Jordy:
Never had the stomach to kill...but what an ass for muling.Jordy: 'Member that time you muled nine balloons full of stolen condoms and all the hot tripe? You were an american muling legend.

The Reverend:
I've gone righteous. The only thing I shove up my ass now is the pure, uncut love of the Lord and smuggle it to the people.

Jordy:
No. You're smuggling nothing to the people. You're gonna kill Sheriff.

The Reverend:
C-Can't we just let this slide?

Jordy:
They rode me like a bike in there.

[Jordy seriously leaves]

The Reverend:
Maybe I'll grow the guts to kill Jordy. Or maybe...I'll grow the guts to kill Jordy.

Sheriff:
What kind of pie is this?

Hambrosia:
It's just something I put in the oven to make someone care.

[Sheriff leaves out the room quickly before saying her response]

Jordy:
I'd like to hear the punchline of the joke you were telling the night they pulling me in. I missed that one.

Jacket:
S-S-S-Sure, Jordy. Uh, um, I believe it was, uh, "6 Million Jews."

[Jordy breathes heavily then laughs maniacally]

Jordy:
6 million jews! You hear him?! [laughs] Laugh! Oh, that was a good one, Jacket! Oh, in the hole for 5 years and that was worth it!

Jordy:
I'm gonna ride your mama like a bike.

Jordy:
Time to make the ketchup.

[cuts to the next scene, Jordy pooping in the toilet]

Jordy:
[singsong] I'm makin' ketchup. Freedom ketchup. So there!

Hambrosia:
My brain is back. All it's powers! My rage.

Sheriff:
Hot cookies! Blow Hurlan into bits!

Hambrosia:
[growling] It won't work. My brain can't bear to see Hurlan get hurt.

Hambrosia's Brain:
Oh no!

Hambrosia:
Ugh! But I've got to put my anger somewhere!

[Hambrosia psychically puts her anger directly into Sheriff's crotch]

Sheriff:
Don't look at me there like that! Ohh!

[Sheriff's penis squirts out semen all over his face]

Boss Hoss:
[to TV Meemaw] I am telling you, It is the most significant task in Holler history, only we can't tell Hurlan! He'll just "fustercluck" it up the buttock. He's to idjit too be trusted.

Hurlan:
What? Trusted with what?

[Boss Hoss quickly hides the tv away]

Boss Hoss:
Nothing! I wasn't talking to anybody! I certainly wasn't having a serious discussion about a matter of great import with your Meemaw!

Hurlan:
Yes, you was! I'm gonna rewind you!

[Hurlan rewinds the videotape to bring the tv back what Hoss hided away, then there was another small button remote for the same TV in Meemaw's screen]

TV Meemaw:
There's nothing mysterious to see here, Hurlan!

Hurlan:
I ain't tater-brained, Meemaw!

TV Meemaw:
If you really weren't tater-brained, you'd ignore my plea begging you to don't go to my house to find my secret stash of tapes and follow the vital directive upon them!

Hurlan:
I'll smart you one better! I'm gon' go do do that! I'm gon' do-do all over everything!

Boss Hoss:
If we harness his flub-uppery, we reap the fruits of his bungle.

Hambrosia:
I thought later tonight, maybe I could give you a kiss on the cheek.

Sheriff:
I'm not a piece of meat. I've never felt so degraded! Your sick sexual urges are starting to scare me! You get off on that, you sick deviant?! You know, I don't feel safe here. I don't know when I'll be back!

[Sheriff leaves]

Hambrosia:
Why am I so dirty?!

Hambrosia:
Lord, cleanse me from my sins.

[Hambrosia pulls out a whip from the book]

Doc:
Your rape kit is coming up negative.

Sheriff:
Oh, I know rape ain't real, Doc. "Rape, schmape" is the policeman's motto.

Sheriff:
The truth is, I'm in love with another woman. But I can't get out of my marriage!

Doc:
Well, that's simple! Just fantasize your wife is this other you love!

Sheriff:
Does that work?

Doc:
Works for Helen and me. [quietly speaks to Helen] What?! Just stand there!

Doc:
You know about truth serum, right?

Sheriff:
I'd be lying if I said I do.

Doc:
Well, this right here is delusional serum. I can inject it into your eye's balls.

Sheriff:
Is this real?

Doc:
The doctor who sold it to me gave me a free trial first, then convinced me it was, so it has to be!

Doc:
And that doctor and I fell in love. Ain't that right, Helen? [quietly speaks to Helen] God, just say -- No, you say you're sorry!

Hurlan:
Urethra! Who's the idjit now?! I'm one step closer to finding him -- That's who!

TV Meemaw:
Do not tell Hurlan I need him to get me...one of these!

Hurlan:
Were would I not get one of those?

Doc:
Hey, I got that kidney you wanted. 300 bucks!

Hambrosia:
[thinking] Where am I? I must have been knocked out. I probably tried more sick perversity against my poor husband, so he restrained me to protect me from my urges. Oh, what a sweet man.

The Reverend:
Hey, Lord. Just checking in. Uh, I've left you a message every day for the last -- My whole life! Maybe you could get back to me! You know, I'm thinking about ending it all. I'm pretty lonely. Okay. Cool, man. Talk to you later. Bye.

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
Preacher 'taint' around. I always wanted to gobble some knob on his desk.

Sheriff:
Isn't that technically a sin?

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
Oh. Well, then, dole out the punishment. Hit me with this, and call me Psycho Mike.

Sheriff:
You're a special lady, Hur-- I mean...Psycho Mike.

[after Sheriff spends the time of his life fantasizing and whipping Hurshe who's originally The Reverend]

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
Sheriff...just out of curiosity, and as a matter of insignificant small talk, what do people say about the Preacher behind his back again when he's not around? I forget.

Sheriff:
Come on. You know this! Now, everyone says Preacher's a sad, lonely deviant who'll suck anything that squirts, and eats floaters with a knife and fork.

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
They say that about me -- Him?

Sheriff:
Of course! Oh, why you crying, Hursh? I mean Psycho Mike?

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
[crying] Nothing. Just hit me.

Sheriff:
All right. Give me a minute to get hard.

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
You wouldn't say that stuff to Preacher's face!

Sheriff:
[scoffs] Bet I would!

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
Well, I'll go get him! The next person to walk through this door will be Preacher again!

[as Hurshe cries all the way to the door closed, The Reverend comes back as his original self into the room while crying]

The Reverend:
[cries] Hurshe said that you had something to say to my face.

Sheriff:
Preacher, what happened to your face?!

The Reverend:
Helen. She hit me!

Sheriff:
THAT'S IT! Confront this bully! ...Soon as I get hard. [growls angrily as he ripped his own pants]

Doc:
As long as Sheriff never finds his real wife in my closet, I'll milk the man cow and drink his cream for free.

Sheriff:
I'm here to end Helen's cycle of abuse, even if I have to beat it out of her.

Doc:
Who's Hel -- Oh, Helen. She's not here no more.

Sheriff:
Don't cover for her! You stand in the way of my peace mission, you're gonna get popped!

[Doc flinches after Sheriff was about to punch him]

Meemaw:
Oh, why do you disturb me, boy? I'm busy!

Hurlan:
I don't know. I...I guess I'm lonely.

Meemaw:
Want a friend? [laughing]

[Meemaw turns into a typewriter]

Hurlan:
A computer!

[Hurlan typing on the typewriter to a friend that he loves it]

Hurlan:
"I love you". Okay.

Typewriter:
I'm gonna pound your pussyass, queerbait.

Hurlan:
I'm being cyberbullied!

Hurlan:
Oh, that's one of them ding-dang-dang-bang-bang metaphors right there.

[after Hurlan got finish typewriting a story conversation with his typewriter]

Hurlan:
I can't even read. That was the most incredible story. We got to get it published.

Hurlan:
It's a warning, I just know it!

Sheriff:
Cool your pud and just describe what this thing looked like. I'll draw.

Hurlan:
It was a thin column with these weight-bearing arches and a spiral of wires poking out of a...I guess it's a tooth attached to a crescent.

[Sheriff shows Hurlan the drawing of a random machine]

Sheriff:
Is this the general idea?

Hurlan:
That's exactly what I saw!

Doc:
This is what the poets meant when they said, "I'm hard as a dried worm right now".

Doc's Heart:
Our love and will span the ages. How I long to gaze at your handsome face.

Doc:
Aw, my face is no big whoop.

Doc:
My god! You're dying!

Clem:
I am?

Doc:
I got to remove your eyes now or you won't live! Here's $50 bucks. [pulls up $5 bucks]

[after putting Clem's eyes on his talking heart]

Doc's Heart:
You're more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Kiss my lips.

Doc:
You, uh...You don't have any lips.

[Doc walks back to the bar to Clem to remove his lips]

Doc:
You got lip cancer. You can't see it, but I better remove them.

Clem:
Give me another $50?

Doc:
I can do $40.

[after walking back to Doc's office, putting Clem's lips onto his talking heart again]

Doc's Heart:
I am quivering with anticipation.

Doc's Heart:
When you press your lips on mine, run your fingers through my hair.

Doc:
Hair? Man, sometimes I don't know if relationships are worth the hassle.

Sheriff:
What's it do?

Doc:
Let's turn it on and find out.

[Doc turns on the machine]

Machine:
Power on. [whirring]

Sheriff:
Some kind of drawing machine.

[The machine drawed poop, while Hurlan touches the drawing then sniffs on it with his finger]

Hurshe:
Entre you!

Clem:
I just lucked into some pocket scratch, and you're the itch I want to spew it on!

Hurshe:
Well, my crotch filet may not be rare, but it does come with a side of "succatush."

[Random confetti shows up in Hurshe's room after Hurshe snatching Clem's money]

Clem:
Wow! Am I your millionth customer?

Hurshe:
[thinking] Has it been that many? I thought I was gonna do it just one time to pay for college. I could've graduated by now. But instead, I'm the vagidictorian.

Hurshe:
[sobbing] I'm disgusting! I'm so dirty! Oh, I'm so...dirty. Mmm, yeah...

[cuts to the Sheriff jerking off while seeing Hurshe seducing herself inside his gun, then cuts to Meemaw controlling him to jerk off with her voodoo doll of Sheriff]

Meemaw:
See? He's a philandermonkey.

Jacket:
Give me all your money, whitey!

Direne:
What're you gonna do with it?

Jacket:
I'm gonna buy a piece of ass.

Direne:
I can cracker you off a piece of something sweet...right here.

Jacket:
I'm a negro, I'm warning you.

Sheriff:
You get your big black lips off of that slerrpiwench!

[Sheriff shoots Jacket]

Direne:
No! Wait! You idjit! That was my hubby! We was just playing our sick little sex game! He's dead!

Sheriff:
I'm sorry! Perhaps you and I could seek solace in the comfort of one another's respective orafi?

[Direne betrayed his husband and fell in love with Sheriff]

Hurshe:
We used to be a fairy tale. You were my dapper crapper and I your steamy bowl. But I'm a proud, liberated human toilet and I deserve more disrespect than your can can unload unto my heart.

Hurshe:
You done run out of pud. You were shooting some 3-alarm-chili-type funk.

Sheriff:
I wanted to be the one to defile her till death do us part. [crying]

Hambrosia:
I've got to go tell the poor, innocent, depraved preverts in town.

[after Meemaw's hands were blown up from Hurshe's suicide]

Meemaw:
This is finally getting interesting!

[cuts to the next scene in Direne's liquor]

Direne:
[bored] When are things gonna get interesting?

Hambrosia:
You poor people are being manhandled into evil!

[Jacket gets up after getting shot]

Jacket:
Is she part of this, too? Oh, this is getting saucy.

The Reverend:
I will put the fear of God into you!

[cuts to the next scene where The Reverend dressing up as God]

The Reverend:
Some real fear of God.

[After Sheriff's vision saw Hambrosia as Hurshe with delusional serum]

Sheriff:
I was looking at you, hon, but I'm seeing someone sexy. What say we skip dinner and do whatever sick stuff you can think up?

Hambrosia (as Hurshe):
Really? I can let my mind run wild?

Sheriff:
Like a dog at the dump.

Hambrosia (as Hurshe):
Well, I've got this whip...and this. [pulls up a barber razor blade] And I could do this.

[Hambrosia whispers indistinctly into Sheriff's ear]

Sheriff:
Oh, that is so sick!

[Hambrosia then starts slurping his ear seductively]

Sheriff:
[panting] Would I even survive that?!

The Reverend (as Hurshe):
The next person to walk through this door will be Preacher again!

[The Reverend as Hurshe closes the door, then opens it back as the original Reverend he is with whip marks on his face]

The Reverend:
Hurshe said that you had something to say to my face.

Sheriff:
Preacher, what happened to your face?!

The Reverend:
Helen. She hit me!

Hurshe:
Meemaw, if you're voodoodoo dolls are collect-calling my life, then I'm about to reverse the charges!

[Vet starts to have some catastrophic dreams]

Cutter the Vet:
Violent footage.

Boss Hoss:
Today, you're gonna commit your first murder.

Hurlan:
Mu-- mu-- mu--

Boss Hoss:
I envy you, getting to sup your first taste of sweet savagery, become a man.

Hurlan:
MEATIER?!

Boss Hoss:
My ex-henchbaby, he got himself a widdle guilty conscience. Now we can't have his old dirty work coming back to bite the Heartshe name in the butt that fed him. You go rub him out while I go rub one out.

Hurlan:
No, Daddy!

Boss Hoss:
Are you refusing to do what I ask you the first time?! Well, fine! You just go put in the tape of first refusal.

Hurlan:
Don't I do it!

Hurlette:
Are you sure you don't want to give me another chance?

Hurlan:
I can't be with Ashley. I'd rather be dead than be with you.

Hurlan:
This is a suicide pill.

Hurlette:
That just looks like a raisin.

Hurlan:
Well, I'm gonna take it.

Hurlette:
No, my sweet! I'll save you!

[Hurlette snorts the suicide pill in one of her nostrils, then exploded]

Hurlan:
I hereby call to order the biweekly Lonely Boy's Wishing Club. I guess I'll go first. Uh, I never told nobody this, but I always wished I had a little brother.

Hurlan:
Boy, I would -- I swear, I'd take real good care of him, too. You know, I'd -- I'd -- I'd feed him -- I'd feed him every day. Hell, I feed him every hour! I'd feed him eight or nine times an hour!

Hambrosia:
Look at that vase over there. Now focus all your lack of coitus into it.

[Hurshe breaks the vase with her mind powers]

Hambrosia:
Being worthless can be pretty useful huh, sis?

Hurshe:
Teach me how to hone the power of my crotchular zilch, and together we can take over the Holler for good.

Hurshe:
Hot dog!

Hurlan:
You speakum hot dog?

Meemaw:
You have proved your intelligence! Sorry we manipulated you!

Hurlan:
Manipulated me? When?

Meemaw:
Doesn't matter. Sometimes, delusion is more true than the truth.

[Meemaw showed him the stitches that Hurlan made after he fixed up the TV version of Meemaw that transfers her to the original Meemaw]

Hurlan:
Wait, uh, you mean that you're saying the opposite of what you mean, and I'm not smart?

[Meemaw rips her chest out seeing another Meemaw in a TV version containing multiple dimensions]

TV Meemaw:
No!

Meemaw:
Yes!

TV Meemaw:
No!

Meemaw:
Yes!

TV Meemaw:
No!

Meemaw:
Yes!

TV Meemaw:
No!

Meemaw:
Yes!

Hurlan:
I understand every atom of information in the universe, not least of which are the secrets of this Holler!

Hurlan:
[talks about Meemaw] Her cursed presence is a caucasian cancer on the continent.

Jacket:
How can I condemn my wife cheating on me when I did something worse? I cheated my audience.

Jacket:
The only righteous thing for me to do is to rededicate myself and this show to the integrity and moral purpose that white people deserve. I'll see you next week.

Jacket:
[talks to Direne who's still tied up] Get over here. No, you stay there. I'll come to you.

Sheriff:
Hursh, I'm trying to tell y'all I know how to cure you! Get y'all new parts! Just gotta find a dog!

Boss Hoss:
Oh, boy. I ain't touching that emotional can of mommy worms with my 10-foot daddy wriggler.

Meemaw:
Forget the bribe. Make the wrong decision and these American animals will rape ya to death!

Sheriff:
The truth is gonna come out somehow. What awful things I've probably done to that poor boy.

Sheriff:
Well, best kill everyone in town so I can't get caught.

[Sheriff rips out his list of suspects and turns it into a murder list that he had all along]

Boss Hoss:
Get your bone out...

Hurlan:
[thinking] Bone out...

Boss Hoss:
...and zone out.

Hurlan:
[thinking] ...and zone out. What are you nattering about?

The Reverend:
The tragic passing of our deloved prictator, Hurlan Heartshe has brought out more grievers than I ever knew cared.

The Reverend:
The air is a-buzzin' with the question, "Which Heartshe gonna take over now?"

The Reverend:
Will it be Hurshe or Hambrosia or Hurshe or Hambrosia?

[The Reverend repeats the names throughout the whole funeral until someone is chosen]

Boss Hoss:
Crabulations, Hurshe. The Holler is in your whorey hands!

The Reverend:
I think our new school uniforms are working out. They make everyone equal, so pupils will no longer be judged like that ugly troll, Pete Havelin...

[cuts to Pete Havelin who's KKK's uniform is all filthy]

The Reverend:
Or for being a stunning, alluring, erotic...

[then cuts to Toader which the Reverend is flirting over him]

Student:
Teacher, have you come up with the idea for the class pageant yet?

The Reverend:
The Lord is shooting blanks in my head.

[The Reverend sees Hurshe staring in love with Toader]

The Reverend:
Stop gawking at Toader like that!

[The Reverend accidentally bumps his globe and breaks into pieces]

The Reverend:
Toader, how dare you?! Y'all saw it -- He shattered my world!

Sheriff:
I'm trying to pretend to work here.

Sheriff:
I'm gonna go gash in that crotch favor your soiled sis owes me!

[The Reverend sees Sheriff threatening Toader]

The Reverend:
I think the hunky youngun is squealin' to the pigs, Lord. Speak to me in your mysterious ways and tell me how to get out of what I got coming to me.

[The Reverend then comes back to whipping Toader again]

The Reverend:
I want to thank y'all for coming to the Heartshe Academy Tri-Anal Pageant. I don't know who's excited -- the kids or me or the kids...

[The Reverend once again repeats the same question throughout his entire lecture until the show starts]

The Reverend:
...or me. Well, that's the end of my speech.

Student #2:
I am Christopher Columbus, and this seems like a nice place to drop a deuce. I think I'll call it America.

Student #2:
Oh, no -- An Immi-grunt!

Student #3:
How. I am Injin. You're welcome to share our nature's bounty.

Student #2:
Go back to Mexico!

[Christopher Columbus stabs the Injin]

Student #2:
You all saw him. He was coming at me. I was just standing my ground.

Student #2:
Who's going to take out this trash.

Student #4:
Lordy me! I'm a slave. I'm happy to do all your work. I like a do it with a funky dance.

Student #2:
Back to work, lazy mongrel! I am your master, George Washington, the first white president of the united states!

Student #2:
Now go chop down my cherry tree to make me my teeth, slave. I cannot tell a lie.

Student #5:
I am the cherry tree of truth, and I vow to cut taxes on the rich!

All:
U.S.A! U.S.A.!

Young Hurshe:
I put America on the rag. I am Betsy Ross, and the blood got everywhere.

Student #6:
I'm the 2nd Amendment y'all. [starts to gunfire]

The Reverend:
When two families open their hearts, their warmth will spray us all.

[The Reverend sees Toader hanged up]

The Reverend:
[happily] Now he belongs to the ages.

Hurshe:
Come on, Sheriff. Let's get you out of that knit snit and back up into me. You broke it. You bought it.

Sheriff:
[pulls down his shades] What grade you give that, bingo?

[Sheriff look down at his penis who also pulls down it's shades and agrees with it]

Meemaw:
The prophecy has been self-fulfilled.

Hambrosia:
Soon as I get these creases out of this carpet, my hubby will start to love me.

Hambrosia:
Silly I didn't realize that was what was preventing him from caring before.

Hambrosia:
"Dearest Constance, On ye battlefield today one thought kept me alive -- Memories fluttering like a butterfly of your sweet slobber sluicing down the shaft of my Bushrod Johnson. I do so long to redong ye olde buttock hole."

Constance:
Mildred, my dear slave, bring the creampuffs! Oh, I do hope my love arrives home in haste and still finds me fit after fighting for the noble right to continue dehumanizing and torturing our fellow man.

Josiah:
I know, I hollered at Sarge. I said, ''I will count if I want!" and then our position was discovered and he was killed, so I rushed back here to ravish you.

Hurshe:
Now that I'm finally grand wizard of the Holler, I want to be pampered -- Literally! Treat me like Pampers. Dump on my lumps. Smear on my queers. Bury my bazooms in brownie batter.

Sheriff:
Order up! Bums away, baby! [grunts]

Hurshe:
Come on! Chop, chop with the plop, plop!

Sheriff:
This has never happened before. I'm sorry. Maybe it's just performance anxiety.

Sheriff:
I used to go four or five times a night. I had tantric flow. I-I could do it in my sleep.

Hurshe:
You don't find me attractive anymore?

Sheriff:
I need an assflodesiac.

Hurshe:
Am I no longer young and degradable? I've never felt so undirty in my life!

Hurshe:
Come on! Chop, chop with the plop, plop!

Sheriff:
This has never happened before. I'm sorry. Maybe it's just performance anxiety.

Sheriff:
I used to go four or five times a night. I had tantric flow. I-I could do it in my sleep.

Hurshe:
You don't find me attractive anymore?

Sheriff:
I need an assflodesiac.

Hurshe:
Am I no longer young and degradable? I've never felt so undirty in my life!

Josiah:
My repulsive wife, your sucker sis has no inkling that we're the ones who are truly in love behind her back, although sometimes I think deep down inside, part of her is on to us.

Josiah:
But she's so determined not to believe it that her brain has created a fiction, a freudian schizo-delusionial projection.

Hambrosia:
[to Constance] He's two-timing you! It's not your fault! Ugh! I wish you could hear me!

Hambrosia's Voice:
Your husband doesn't love you!

Hambrosia:
Who said that? Please be quiet. I'm trying to tell this poor woman -- [to Constance] Don't trust him!

Hambrosia's Voice:
He's being unfaithful!

Hambrosia:
Stop that! I'm trying to tell this sad pushover that her husband is being unfaithful and that he doesn't love her! I'll deal with you, unexplained phenomenon, later!

Hambrosia's Voice:
Write her a letter!

Hambrosia:
Finally, something helpful.

[Constance grabs Josiah's gun and shoots herself after seeing what horribly things she saw what Hambrosia wrote in that letter]

Josiah:
Ohh! oh, no, my sweet! I was order to woo your skanky yankee sister as an undercover-spy mission for our confederate army!

Josiah:
And now, thanks to some meddling future hag, the south won't ever rise again. We'll become fat on our own ignorance and fast food.

Sheriff:
Only move now is to flush this life.

[Sheriff was about to end himself until his gun deflated in a sexy way making it hard for him to straighten it up]

Sheriff:
Oh, come on! Come on. Get hard for me, baby. Come on, now! Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Grub:
Welcome to Grub's Guns. Who can I help you tragically shoot down in their prime?

Sheriff:
Myself. But everything I touch goes limp as a Redneck's noodle.

Grub:
Chronic Flaccidity affects 99.110% of gun owners. It is why men carry rifles. Their peckers is useless, you know, so why else would they own a piece?

Sheriff:
Are you saying there's a problem that guns can't solve?

Grub:
I don't know much -- Now, I'm just an average american gun salesman with blood all over his evil hands -- But sounds to me like your trouble stems from the fact that a part of y'all feels guilty for cheating on such a loving wife.

Grub:
Your body is revolting against you 'cause you know you done wrong! Suck it up and try to make it work with your old lady.

Sheriff:
Suck it, huh?

Grub:
Suck it.

Sheriff:
Just suck it.

Grub:
Suck it.

Sheriff:
I can't believe I walk in on you dancing with the corpse of your desire! The only way I can make this right is to seek solace in your sister!

Sheriff:
You did this! You drove me into her arms retroactively!

[Sheriff's stomach gurgles until he noticed that he can poop again in Hurshe's mouth]

Sheriff:
Hold on, baby! Daddy's coming! It's running down my legs for you!

[Hurshe tries to shower herself with her own feces]

Hurshe:
I don't need no man to fill my needs. I self-sufficientated. This is feminism at its finest.

[Hurshe looks at her shower faucet reflection]

Hurshe:
[laughs] Look at that sad old slut. [realizes] Huh? Why, it's me!

Sheriff:
Officer Nasty's back, reporting for dirt duty, and my desire-rhea's rising, so strap on your crap on, 'cause my booty 'bout to make it chocolate-rain scats and snausages, and they plump when you dook em.

Sheriff:
Toot-toot! All aboard! The gravy train's running express to your chest, and the dining car's got a number-2 class ticket to your face.

Hurshe:
I got so desperate, I was talking sane -- Damn near descended down the brown abyss of emotional maturity.

Boss Hoss:
Now, you remember when you was just a little seedlin' back before you even had any peach fuzz to shave, how I pried open the bud of your flower before it was ready to blossom, forcing you to bloom into broken slut I see before me?

Hurshe:
That's me -- Only capable of human connection through selling my snooze! U.S.A!

Hurshe:
I must have watched a hundred of these tapes! They're all just bore-o-cratic orders.

Hurshe:
Which tape gonna tell me how to get my perks -- My key to the sexecutive outhouse? I thought I'd be showering in gold.

Hurshe:
I'm gonna get my nose so far up Meemaw's tushy, it'll be coming out of her nose!

Hurshe:
I'ma get ahold of that dyin' bag's eternal life if it kills me.

Hurshe:
What can I do you for?!

Cutter the Vet:
Well, see, years ago I was on this mission --

Hurshe:
I mean back door, mouth door, or doggy door? Don't got time for your sob story.

Hurshe:
Whatever's bungholin' your soulbritches, I'ma suck it out of you.

Hurshe:
Hmm! Your in-and-out-surance requires a 5-buck copay.

Hurshe:
Mm! Ahoy vey! That was a whale of a demon, seaman! Look like you got a load off more than your mind.

Cutter the Vet:
This is a fine how-do-you-doozy! I feel like a million bucks' worth of new leafs, like my whole issue went down your drain.

Hurshe:
You went from nuts to normal in two pumps and a squirt!

Cutter the Vet:
Muffins and doughnuts? They ought to make a combo -- Call 'em "Muffnuts." That's a million dollar idea. Let me get it up on blocks, see if it's got legs. Just got to call the coast -- Have the boys in corporate crunch the numbers.

Cutter the Vet:
Guys, Muffnuts! I know, right?!

Hurshe:
You fill the hole with the muffin. I call 'em "Donuffins."

Hurshe:
You know, that ain't the only hole I can fill with muff. I'll make the little old man in your sloppy boat choke on my fish sandwich, girl. I'll make you feel like you're 300 again.

Hurshe:
How 'bout a littles tit for your immortalit-- What?

[flashback intensifies and starts to strangle Meemaw]

Hurshe:
Ohh! Oh, shoot! Vet's demon cream really stuck to my emotional ribs.

Hurshe:
Oh, my meal ticket to eternity!

Hurshe:
Oh, me so absorbed Vet's demons, I got to go take care of his unfinished psychebusiness before I can return to my asskissulations without a threat of asphyxiations.

Chinese Woman in Machine:
I sorry for I sleep! Please, no fire me. This best job in all China. Please, I do anything, and long time. But no substitution!

Cutter the Vet:
I'm telling you, Parde, Muffnuts haven't even hit the market. We already got a cartoon show, fashion label, hotel chain, and a line of jacking creams.

Cutter the Vet:
Since I started this sentence, we've stopped selling the actual Muffnuts. It's about the brand. Muffnuts is an attitude, a way of life, a state of mind, a stay of attilife, a watay of lifeatudenut.

The Reverend:
Do you think it would be okay to work Muffnuts into the bible? Of course, the church would split the royalties.

Cutter the Vet:
Now to stroke out a meward for a job well done. You mind if I 'gradtulate myself in the groin with my hand?

The Reverend:
Do you mind if I join you?

Cutter the Vet:
[gasps in a sexualize way]

Doc:
[singsong] I'm dumb.

Chinese Woman in Machine:
Order up! Doc suey, just how you like.

Doc:
No beverage? Hmm?

Chinese Woman in Machine:
So sorry.

[The woman in machine squirts brown pee into Doc's mouth]

Britchard:
So what's next for you?

Cutter the Vet:
Nothing left to do. I'm going to a better place -- Where those who have cracked the code on this world go. It's not a physical place.

Cutter the vet:
Now, I want you to know that your father and I love you very much, but I just can't live inside your hollow book anymore. It's too full of empty platitudes.

Cutter the Vet:
Before I ascend to the next level, I suppose I ought to reward myself extra nice for knowing the way.

[He sucks his own penis making his body implode to the same place he experienced after war where the woman was dead and the Vet was the baby]

Chinese Woman in Machine:
After 10 generations, I first person in family to get very own life crank. What secret to my success? Always turn life crank. Never let the crank of life turn the 'u' of 'you' in 'u.' That a million-dollar slotto. Just got to call over to corporate and have them crunch number. But don't let a number crunch a-you.

Cutter the Vet:
What do you get when you cross JFK with KFC?

All:
What?

[Cutter's PTSD flashback intensifies]

Cutter's the Vet:
John Fitzgerald Chicken!

[everyone is silenced]

Cutter the Vet:
Too soon?

Hambrosia:
Spot check! Makin' sure you ain't selling no tobacco!

Direne:
Y'all just push my business into the underground darky market.

The Reverend:
It's clear what's going on here.

Hambrosia:
How dare you imply my husband's having sex with my sister right now?! I mean it's impossible. He's -- He's -- He's -- He's

[Hambrosia does the Nazi hand sign while stuttering the word, he's]

Hurshe:
I only whack the weeds off my mound 'cause I'm scared of one thing -- crotch crabs and dentistry. [shudders]

The Reverend:
Shove your piece down my golden pipes and blast me through them pearly gates.

Hambrosia:
No! Don't fight over me! I'm not worth two men battling nobly for my tender hand.

Doc:
What are you doing, Sheriff?

Hurshe's Private Hair:
A fourfer. I'm saving four hearts. That's 16 chambers of love.

Sheriff:
I'm a real boy!

[Hurlan touches and rubs the penis of a voodoo doll of himself which controls him to touch his own penis in real life]

Hurlan:
I've finally found a cyberfriend...in me.

Cutter the Vet:
A poor black child.

All:
[laughter]

Hambrosia:
I killed him good. And I want all the glory. If found guilty, which I am, I like to be crucifried on a electric cross.

All:
[applause]

Hurlan:
I'm gonna save you for a rainy day. [echoes]

Court Judge:
I've heard all the evidence, but Miss Heartshe, I'm just not convinced you did it. I'ma have to find you innocent unless you can look me in the eye and admit for the 55th and final time, did you kill Doc?

[Hambrosia's teeth were rotten and sealed shut as she token a bite out of Hurshe's disgusting sandwich]

Court Judge:
Ma'am, I can't understand what you're saying. We'll I'm afraid I'm just gonna have to let you go free. You could've been a great martyr.

Meemaw:
Time gushes its sand from the open wound of life, yet no one heed my ominous hollers of comening.

Hambrosia:
He's thinks it's so bad being stuck with me? I'd like to see how he'd like to be stuck with that disgusting tramp.

Hambrosia's Mirror:
Oh, you're taking a real kick-tushy stance. It's making me hard as a wet rock.

[Hambrosia tries to kiss her reflection to the mirror]

Hambrosia:
I can't let this go too far. I don't have parts.

Hambrosia's Mirror:
Oh, that's okay. I do. Why don't you snorkel up and diver down a licky-loo?

[Hambrosia does a make out with herself inside the mirror licking her private parts into some way of doing it to the mirror]

Hambrosia:
Now, is there anything that you want to say?

Sheriff:
I love...your sister...

Hambrosia:
Okay.

Sheriff:
...And I hate you...

Hambrosia:
Okay.

Sheriff:
...So much!

Hambrosia:
Okay.

Sheriff:
[laughs] It feels electric! I hate...

Hambrosia:
Okay.

Sheriff:
...Hate...

Hambrosia:
Okay.

Sheriff:
...Hate...

Hambrosia:
Okay.

Sheriff:
...You!

Hambrosia:
Okay.

Cutter the Vet:
[reads the last step] "Step 58 -- Sprinkle water on tomato plant and enjoy your sustainable sanctuary, guaranteed to last 100 lifetimes or your money back".

Hurshe:
I knew one a these days your greedy bananerfish would get up in me and gobble so many of my rotten eggs, it'd get too fat to yank out!

Cutter the Vet:
A Savage! She's a ravishing as she looked on the package!

Sheriff:
You think this is my fault?! My poor dong's probably being pulled into some quicksand of rancid pud in your sad chasm, 'cause the only emotion you know how to express is "Hop on"!

Hurshe:
If you ever manage to get out of me, I'm gonna bleach the pit of my peach and burn off every morseled memory of your stupid face!

Native American Kid:
Grandpa, what is that knocking sound from the edge of the world?

Cutter the Vet:
There is a whole civilization out there, a realm beyond these walls, a place I lived. Feels like 10 lifetimes ago.

Grub:
My wolf brothel has been success for...7, 8 generations. All within the past 2 months [holds up 4 fingers]. And I owe that success for one thing... [holds up 2 fingers]. Heartshe Wolf And Whore Chow.

Grub:
For the first time, it's commercially available for the home brothel, comically called marriage. I guarantee your wife's last sister, she'll lap it up while you make your own gravy...in your pants.

Grub:
Heartshe Wolf And Whore Chow has secret sedatives to keep your wife nasal and buck it up into your new wife. Look into your heart...[voice breaking] it's the right thing to do...just feed the meat! Alright, just feed the meat! Feed the meat!

Sheriff:
Here I sit, broken hearted, tried to love, but she departed.

Hurlan:
Y'all sell lotion for chafed chafe?

Direne:
What flavor you like? Beef or fish?

Hurlan:
Well, that's only because my diaper expenditures is just a hair astronomical.

Hurlan:
We gonna have to make some drastic cuts until I'm housebroken.

Hurshe:
Damn you, Lord. You proved to me you exist! And now I'm weighed down by the damn morals that come with belief. Now I can't wish my brother dead, you dirty trickster.

Hurshe:
You've won this round, O Lord, but I will get you in the next life, right after I finish devoting the rest of my days to the christian church!

Hurshe:
[moans] Oh, God. Oh, your lack of existence.

Hurlan:
People of Heartshe, we need no longer live in fear of the Lord!

[Hulran shows The Reverend (Lord's Head)]

Sheriff:
He who kills the Lord takes on his powers. Kneel before the Godslayer, for he is now Lord!

[everyone begs for Hurlan]

Grinder:
I ain't askin' for much, Lord, I just want dinner jeans, I want lunch jeans, I want taco jeans.

Sheriff:
I want purple jeans, I want candy jeans, I want little jeans, the tiniest jeans you've ever seen in your life.

Hick Townfolk #3:
[singsong] Jeans, a blue jeans, a red jeans, green jeans, too.

Hambrosia's Mirror:
[talking in valley girl accent] Hey! You won't believe what Hambrosia's doing right now! She's so evil and two-faced.

Cutter the Vet:
I'm gonna be a granddaddy?

Hurshe:
Where is he? Where's my baby?

Doctor:
He's probably the number-four lunch special at Vittleton by now.

Boss Hoss:
All the folks in town are gonna be desperate to bribe your vote, so you can just sit back and "rape" in the "rearwards" of your doggie-tastical position.

Hurshe:
Doc! Pull my pearly whites so I can get covered in pearly whi--

[Hurlan's thoughts while getting bruised by townsfolks]

Hurlan:
And that's when I decided I didn't want to be a doctor no more.

Bar Redneck:
Look what happened to my finger!

[points out his swollen eye]

Hurlan:
I want, uh, chocolate.

[Hambrosia's brain squeezes hard poop from its butt, but making it look like its chocolate flavored]

Boss Hoss's Tapes:
"When do I get my period?"

Boss Hoss's Tapes:
"Sad boy got dumb question."

Boss Hoss's Tapes:
"I refuze to do whut you assed."

Hambrosia:
If you made the people sin like this, they're all gonna burn in hell!

Meemaw:
Aw, I guess you better save them from the burning.

Meemaw:
Bye.

Hambrosia:
Okay, bye.

Hurlan:
Meemaw, could I borrow a cup of your immortality juice?

Meemaw:
You'll have to milk it out of me.

[Meemaw shows her back of a bunch of immortal juice which looked like a cow's udder]

Meemaw:
You might need to mouth-prime the goo pump.

[Hurlan swallows Meemaw's juice udder to make it squirt faster]

The Reverend:
Mayor, I understand you've been having some dark thoughts and stormy visions.

Hurlan:
Yeah.

The Reverend:
Am I in them? What am I wearing? Oh, this is exciting! It's like being in the movies!

The Reverend:
When I was a boy, my preacher walked me into the woods and taught me the proud gaybegone Indian rituals developed by Chief Strongwrist.

Hurshe:
Ugh! My water broke!

Hurshe:
I got my sights on some big cheese, and as soon as I clean it out of me, I'm gonna land me a hotter, richer, fish to fry up in my [sprays her perfume below in her vagina] fishin' hole.

Hurlan:
Doc, my Mommy's sick!

[My Mommy The Crow vomits on the Doc's face]

Doc:
I'll be the judge of that.

Meemaw:
He's cursed with innocence.

Hurlan:
Can't get that dang ol' nut meat.

Boss Hoss:
Heartshe siblings, I asked you to rack your noodles to come up some long-term strategums to see it to that our Holler remains feared, revered, and supremacy.

Hambrosia:
Hello, dear. I got you some gifts -- A divorce, and the end of my curse.

[after Hambrosia divorce the lovers' bodies getting stuck to each other]

Sheriff:
[to Hurshe] Turns out you're more than just a gaping receptacle for my thrusting member.

Hurshe:
It feels like five lips felching a rim job, but in my heart.

Hambrosia:
If I'm gonna go on a compassion spree, I'll need to use time wisely!

[Hambrosia breaks the hourglass snorting the sand into one of her nostrils to slow time to kill people before Meemaw dies]

Hambrosia:
I'll make her as UGLY on the outside as she IS on the inside!

Sheriff:
[to Hurshe] Anyway, I still care about you, but as long as your crazy brother dispensing rectal justice, we can't be together.

Hurshe:
He didn't finish doctoring up inside you, did he? 'Cause if he's gonna go around filling folks up with his doctor sauce, someone's gonna get pregnant.

Hurlan:
[speaks foreign language]

Subtitles:
Hot Dog.

[The Reverend sniffs the Mystery Man]

The Reverend:
This guy smells like a real creep.

Sheriff:
I-I'm sure Hursh'll be sensitive to my rectal dysfunction.