The Vicar of Dibley

Owen Newitt:
I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.

Simon:
Why don't we just say that that was the autumn that was and let's just see what winter brings.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Yeah. Either that or "get out of my house you treacherous gigantic elongated bastard". Ah, but no. Probably the autumny-wintry metaphor is much nicer. Much nicer for you.

Letitia Cropley:
I've got a memory like an elephant... that's lost its memory.

Geraldine:
David! Let joy be unconfined. But I am NOT playing scrabble.

Geraldine:
[to Alice and Hugo, exasperated] OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JUST KISS, YOU MORONS!

[Alice and Hugo shake hands and embrace awkwardly, then kiss - initially very tentatively, but then passionately]

Geraldine:
[gleefully, to herself] Houston, we have kiss-off!

[Auditioning members of the village for parts in the Christmas play, Owen arrives dressed as Elvis]

Geraldine:
Right Owen, you've come to audition for?

Owen:
The King.

[showing photos from their honeymoon to Geraldine]

Alice:
This is a nice woman we met on the plane. She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey so Hugo was ever so nice and carried her case through customs.

Geraldine:
Right, I think I can anticipate the next picture.

Alice:
That's customs opening the suitcase.

Geraldine:
Wow! How much cocaine is that, Hugo?

Hugo:
I'm told a street value of ?82 million.

Alice:
Still, they let him go the minute they realized he was innocent.

Geraldine:
Which was?

Alice:
Er... 14 months later.

Alice:
Well the pregnancy test said I'm not pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue.

Geraldine:
I'm sorry, I don't think I'm familiar with that particular test.

Alice:
Oh yes, it's very common in Dibley. You go out and you buy a hamster, and you wee on it. And if it turns blue, you're pregnant.

Letitia Cropley:
Care to try one, Mr. Chairman?

David Horton:
No thank you. I'd sooner eat my own scrotum, Mrs. Cropley.

[on hearing that Hugo is going out with Alice, David redrafts his will]

David Horton:
Ah Hugo, I was just showing the vicar my new will.

Hugo:
Come on papa, you're not that angry. It's like the time you tried to convince me you were Father Christmas. I saw through that and I can see through this.

David Horton:
Then you see wrong. If you continue to consort with that Tinker twerp, you will no longer be welcome in this house, you will no longer be my son, and as this will attests, you will have *nothing*.

Hugo:
[long pause] On the contrary sir. I shall have everything in the world that I desire.

[as yet another person dressed as an Easter Bunny appears in the High Street]

Owen Newitt:
Oh, great! Any more and we'll be able to do a production of bloody Watership Down!

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
We're at a bit of a loss for items for the church newsletter. The best we have is a piece about David's missing watch which is actually rather a mystery.

Jim:
[pulls a watch from his pocket] Here, is this it?

David Horton:
Oh, yes, thank you.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Great. Now our main story is "Hen lays rather large egg".

Alice:
I just hope Hugo doesn't go off me now.

Geraldine:
Why would he go off you, you stupid little idiot?

Alice:
I don't know, I might lose my female sexual allure. I'm already putting on weight. I've put on four pounds in the last month, that's a pound a week. If I go on at this rate by the time I'm fifty I'll weigh 82 stone which is more than a walrus, and I don't want to look like a walrus.

Geraldine:
Alice, you haven't been feeling sick at all, have you?

Alice:
Yeah, every single morning.

Owen Newitt:
I am a great supporter of sex before marriage. Otherwise I wouldn't have had sex at all.

[first lines]

Alice:
You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?

Geraldine Granger:
Which stuff?

Alice:
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Geraldine Granger:
Oh, yeah.

Alice:
Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.

Alice:
Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.

Geraldine Granger:
Yes?

Alice:
And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Geraldine Granger:
Mmmm? [pause] I'm losing you now.

Alice:
Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.

Alice:
No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

Geraldine Granger:
Probably, yeah, yeah.

Alice:
Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.

Owen Newitt:
[looking at the giant vegetable Jim has grown] Well, bugger me.

Letitia Cropley:
You know, it's time the vicar did something about your bad language.

[looks at the vegetable]

Letitia Cropley:
Ooh, it is a big bugger, though, isn't it?

[last lines]

The Stranger:
It's wonderful, isn't it?

David Horton:
It does make one wonder, yes.

[post credit]

Geraldine Granger:
I haven't any more religious jokes, but I suppose I have got a couple of animal ones.

Alice:
Oh, fire off.

Geraldine Granger:
Why did the lobster blush?

Alice:
Why?

Geraldine Granger:
Because the sea weed.

Alice:
Because the sea weed what?

Geraldine Granger:
Because the sea *weed*.

Alice:
Did what?

Geraldine Granger:
No, no, listen. The lobster was in the sea, right?

Alice:
Yes.

Geraldine Granger:
And the sea weed. *Weed*.

Alice:
Oh. [covers her mouth with her hands] Oh dear, oh dear.

Geraldine Granger:
What?

Alice:
That is the rudest thing I have ever heard.

Letitia Cropley:
The question is whether I bring the snails I've got for my new recipe.

Frank Pickle:
What recipe is that?

Letitia Cropley:
Bread and Butter Pudding Surprise.

David Horton:
So what are you doing on Saturday?

Geraldine:
I'll be working on my Simon - Sermon, Sermon! [In reference to David's brother]

David Horton:
Oh, What's your text?

Geraldine:
Uhmmm... Sermon on the Mount, I believe...

David Horton:
[Later] Perhaps you can come for lunch on Sunday. Good old fashion pork on the menu.

Geraldine:
I believe I'll be having that on Saturday...

Owen Newitt:
She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.

Alice:
Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.

Hugo:
Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.

Owen Newitt:
As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.

Jim:
Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said "if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself," and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...

Frank Pickle:
[Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon] Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.

Geraldine:
Aw, thank you Frank.

Jim Trott:
And if he doesn't I'll have a go.

Jim:
We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.

Geraldine:
[uneasy] Yes

Frank Pickle:
[serious] We need to see you now. Desperately.

Geraldine:
[Geraldine begins to feel for them] Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?

Jim:
[shows a crossword] It's Seven Down.

Geraldine:
You know, I've been thinking. I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days, for an umarried Vicar to have sex. You know, as long as she doesn't rub her parishioner's noses in it.

Alice:
Rub her parishioner's noses in what?

Geraldine:
In the sex.

Alice:
I'm starting to feel a bit sick...

Geraldine:
Yeah, yeah, forget it, forget it.

Alice:
I haven't been so excited since I got the card saying I won the beauty contest, do you remember?

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
We were playing monopoly at the time, weren't we?

Alice:
That's right. I was *so* proud.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Yeah. Off you go then, sad little lunatic.

Frank Pickle:
Tell me, vicar. Is Alice all right.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Oh, she's absolutely fine. Please feel free to just step right over them. [camera pans out to show Alice and Hugo lying in the walkway making out]

David Horton:
You're the saddest person in the kingdom and that's including Rolf Harris.

David Horton:
Let's move on to the Gala. Any progress there, or is the climax of our show still "Owen and his Amazing Farting Duck"?

[first lines]

David Horton:
Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.

Owen Newitt:
Good idea.

Geraldine Granger:
You're the boss.

David Horton:
Excellent. Ready, Frank?

Frank Pickle:
Absolutely.

David Horton:
Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?

Jim Trott:
Yes.

Hugo Horton:
Father.

David Horton:
Later, Hugo.

Hugo Horton:
I didn't say anything.

David Horton:
What do you mean?

Hugo Horton:
[his lips are not moving] Father. Father.

David Horton:
Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?

Geraldine Granger:
[dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

[post credits]

Geraldine Granger:
So, what do you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower?

Alice Tinker:
I don't know; what *do* you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower?

Geraldine Granger:
Shredded tweet.

Alice Tinker:
So the budgie's dead, then?

Geraldine Granger:
Yes, I should think so. [laughing] It's shredded tweet.

Alice Tinker:
Poor little thing. It didn't even see the lawnmower coming. How could it know that death was just round the corner?

Geraldine Granger:
Alice, look, I'm not going to tell you these jokes any more if you're going to keep on responding like this. It's not a real budgie, OK? It's not a real lawnmower; it's just a joke.

Alice Tinker:
So the budgie's not dead?

Geraldine Granger:
No, it never got born.

Alice Tinker:
Never got born?

Geraldine Granger:
No.

Alice Tinker:
Poor little thing. Oh, so much beauty. So much potential; it never got born. Never saw the light of the sun, or felt the gentle rustling of the breeze through its feathers. Never went "tweekle, tweekle, tweekle, give me my Cottle Fizz."

Geraldine Granger:
Get out now. Go on, get out!

Geraldine:
What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?

Owen Newitt:
Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.

Jim:
No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!

David Horton:
Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?

David Horton:
Item six: Gala Night. Ideas for content?

Jim:
No, no, ye-yes! I saw this film the other night: the Full Monty. You get some music; I'll take all my clothes off.

David Horton:
And that would be entertaining, would it?

Jim:
They'll certainly get their money's worth. I'm taking off my truss and everything.

David Horton:
For God's sake! This is exactly the kind of interruption we're trying to avoid!

Jim:
Oh, uh, I thought you had meant the kind of thing like where, you know, you're talking about Owen's cattle. And I think you're talking about Owen's kettle. And I say I'll lend him mine, but... it's fused at the moment.

David Horton:
Yes. Well, that kind of thing can be pretty annoying, too. Moving on.

Hugo:
Your kettle really not working, Jim?

Jim:
No, no, absolutely knackered.

Owen Newitt:
I can lend you mine, at a very reasonable price.

David Horton:
[banging his gavel] Stop it right there!

David Horton:
Point one: the date of the Gala Night. I thought Valentine's day, February the fourteenth.

Geraldine Granger:
Yup, that sounds fine to me.

David Horton:
Thank God for that,

Geraldine Granger:
So long as you don't mind it being on the same day as the Cattle Show.

Jim:
Oh, are we having a Kettle Show?

[Frank is on stage, doing an incredibly boring "impressions" routine]

Owen:
[to David] I've got my shotgun in the van.

David Horton:
Load both barrels.

[last lines]

Geraldine Granger:
Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side?

Alice Tinker:
Oh, nice.

Jim Trott:
[on a speaker] No no no no no no parking is allowed on the upper field. Thank you.

Angry Man:
Sorry, is that no parking is allowed in the upper field, or parking *is* allowed in the upper field?

Jim Trott:
No no no no no no no no parking is allowed on the upper field. OK?

[first lines]

Owen Newitt:
Unavoidably detained.

David Horton:
Right. I call this meeting of the Dibley parish council to order. Item 1, do we have any apologies?

Jim Trott:
No, no no no no, no no no no, yes.

David Horton:
Yes, Jim.

Jim Trott:
No no no no, yes. I'm, I'm sorry I missed the bridge evening yesterday.

David Horton:
No, you don't have to apologize for that, Jim.

Jim Trott:
No no no no no no no, I want to.

David Horton:
No, I mean apologies mean you only have to apologize for not being here.

Jim Trott:
But I *am* here. Bu- but I could go away if you like, and then come back and apologize for not being here next time.

David Horton:
Moving on.

[last lines]

Hugo Horton:
Lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place.

Jim Trott:
No no no no no, it does.

Hugo Horton:
Does it?

Jim Trott:
Oh yes, my father was struck twice by lightning.

Hugo Horton:
Good Lord! How did he feel afterwards?

Jim Trott:
Heavy. We buried him the next day.

[post credits]

Geraldine Granger:
So three nuns get killed in a car crash.

Alice Tinker:
Oh, dear.

Geraldine Granger:
Yes, and they get up to heaven.

Alice Tinker:
Of course.

Geraldine Granger:
And Peter's at the gate and he says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to answer a question before you can come in."

Alice Tinker:
Oh!

Geraldine Granger:
So he says to the first one, "Don't worry the questions are very easy. What was the name of the first woman?" And she says, "Eve," and he says, "Yep, you're in." And he says to the second one, "Where did Eve live?"

Alice Tinker:
Oh yes, I know this.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, yeah yeah. And she says,

Geraldine Granger, Alice Tinker:
"Garden of Eden."

Geraldine Granger:
And he says, "Yep, you're in."

Alice Tinker:
Phew.

Geraldine Granger:
And he says to the third one, which was the mother superior, "I'm afraid the question is going to have to be a little bit more tricky for you."

Alice Tinker:
Well, fair enough 'cause...

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, obviously. And he says to her, "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" And the mother superior says, "Oh, that's a hard one." And he says, "Yup, you're in." [Geraldine starts laughing]

Alice Tinker:
[long pause] Well, she hadn't answered the question.

Geraldine Granger:
Pardon?

Alice Tinker:
She hadn't answered the question.

Geraldine Granger:
How do you mean?

Alice Tinker:
He let her in and she didn't know what the answer was.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, it just doesn't work, does it, as a joke.

Alice Tinker:
Yes, just that end bit you could jig.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, well, I'm going to send it back anyway. Stupid, that one.

David Horton:
Item two: Mindless Vandalism. As you probably know, we have an outbreak of graffiti in the village.

Letitia Cropley:
Oh, yes, I saw that. I don't think you're a prat, Mr Horton.

David Horton:
No-one said I was.

Owen Newitt:
Yes, some bugger's scrawled: "Mr Horton's a total prat" on the Scout Hut wall.

David Horton:
We also seem to have acquired a village *Puss* Office. You keeping up, Frank?

Frank Pickle:
Yeah. Horton's a total prat.

David Horton:
Well, let's just keep an eye out for them, shall we? Especially the little *bastard* who's tampered with the sign for the *Tuck* Shop.

Geraldine Granger:
[about Kylie Minogue opening the Dibley Fair] We're so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.

Frank Pickle:
Toast.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.

Frank Pickle:
Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast.

[first lines]

David Horton:
Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?

Owen Newitt:
Yes, tear it up.

David Horton:
I beg your pardon?

Owen Newitt:
Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.

Jim Trott:
No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.

Geraldine Granger:
No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.

Jim Trott:
Yes, that is Wimbledon.

David Horton:
Oh, come on. We did all right last year.

Geraldine Granger:
We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!

David Horton:
Is that right?

Geraldine Granger:
Remember Denfield?

David Horton:
Well, how could one forget those poor people?

Hugo Horton:
Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?

Geraldine Granger:
And they came fifty-third.

David Horton:
Point taken. [crumples the form] Let's forget it.

Jim Trott:
Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you get on television these days.

Geraldine Granger:
Is it?

Jim Trott:
It is on mine; I watch the Playboy channel.

[last lines]

Geraldine Granger:
And the winner of the broadcasting prize is, or course, our resident cool dude, Mr Hugo 'Hot-dog' Horton. And on that happy note it's farewell from Radio Dibley. Hit it, Newitt.

[post credits]

Geraldine Granger:
So there's this man vicar...

Alice Tinker:
Oh!

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah. And he's playing golf with his friend, John.

Alice Tinker:
John.

Geraldine Granger:
John, yup. And John misses a three foot putt.

Alice Tinker:
Oh, dear.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah. And he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!" and the vicar tuts and he says, "John, you say that once more and God will open up the heavens and send a thunderbolt down to strike you dead." Well, the next thing that happens, John misses a two foot putt, and he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"

Alice Tinker:
Uh-oh.

Geraldine Granger:
Yes. So the heavens open, a great big thunderbolt comes down and strikes the *vicar* dead. And God says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"

Alice Tinker:
No, no-no, that, that can't be right, can it? Because God wouldn't miss, 'cause He's God. I mean even though he was standing really close he'd still hit the right one, and he certainly wouldn't swear.

Geraldine Granger:
It's a very tiny brain you're housing in there, isn't it?

Frank Pickle:
Hello. I'm Frank Pickle. And I'll be here for the next hour. Or maybe a little longer, in fact, because I have to put my coat on afterwards and say good-bye to the vicar, which should take a few minutes. Anyway, I'll be with you for quite some time. So I'll start by telling you something I think you'll find very interesting. I first discovered I was gay when I was 18, and I fell in love with a young farmhand called Justin. He was beautiful. I've been trying to tell you, dear friends, for 20 years. But it's tricky. That's the lovely thing about radio. Speaking into this microphone here, alone tonight, I can say things I could never say to you face to face.

Geraldine:
For 10 points, which Tinker was commonly known as "Donkey Bonker"?

Owen Newitt:
He's as doomed as a virgin on a date with Rod Stewart.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleurgh!

[first lines]

Frank Pickle:
[very slowly] Mister. Hor-ton. Had. A. Shag. Pile. Car. Pet. Installed.

David Horton:
Frank, I'm not absolutely convinced that this new shorthand is helping.

Owen Newitt:
Sorry I'm late. Sheep exploded. Nasty business.

Frank Pickle:
Would you like a quick recap?

Owen Newitt:
Well, make it quick. The buggers are popping like champagne corks out there.

Frank Pickle:
First we had the apologies, and then the council agreed to give two hundred pounds to the Scots.

Owen Newitt:
What the hell for? I miss ten minutes and you all go mad. Why the hell should we give the Scots money?

Geraldine Granger:
Calm down, Owen. That's the *scouts*, Frank.

Frank Pickle:
Oh, right. We also gave twenty pounds to the Save the Chickens fund.

David Horton:
Moving on.

Jim Trott:
No no no no no no no no no good news. Just let me tell the wife. Doris! Are you busy?

Doris Trott:
Yes yes yes yes yes, no.

Jim Trott:
You know David Horton and, and the Vicar.

Doris Trott:
Yes yes yes yes yes, yes! Do they want to come in?

Jim Trott:
No no no no, no no no, I haven't asked them. Have you got a pot on?

Doris Trott:
Yes yes yes yes yes, No! but I can put one on.

Jim Trott:
Would you like some tea?

[David Horton has reneged on his campaign promises]

Owen Newitt:
I vote we kill him.

Jim Trott:
No no no no no no no, so do I.

Letitia Cropley:
I could poison him if you like. No-one'ld ever know.

[last lines]

Geraldine Granger:
I think that's enough golf for one day, don't you? I don't really see what you see in it, David. [casually taps in a 20 foot putt one-handed] It's so easy.

[post credits]

Geraldine Granger:
Right, just a short one, OK?

Alice Tinker:
Right, yeah.

Geraldine Granger:
Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other, "Where's the soap?" and the other one says, "Yes, it does rather."

Alice Tinker:
Oh. [laughing] Yes.

Geraldine Granger:
Do you know, Alice, I'm rather surprised you got that one.

Alice Tinker:
Oh yes, very funny that.

Geraldine Granger:
Why is it funny, Alice?

Alice Tinker:
Why? Well, one of the nuns is deaf, isn't she, so the other one says, "Where's the soap?", the deaf one mishears her, thinks she said, "It makes the water dirty" or something like that, the other one says, "Yes, it does rather, doesn't it." That's right, isn't it?

Geraldine Granger:
Yes, yes! Yeah, that's right. I think you should tell that one to your Gran.

Alice Tinker:
Yes. I should, she'd love it.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah.

Letitia Cropley:
We're going to see those lovely dancers in London.

David Horton:
The Royal Ballet?

Letitia Cropley:
No, the Chippendales.

[slander campaign he has devised against David Horton]

Owen Newitt:
In the old days you'd vote for Horton, because you thought you oughta. But remember - he's not only had your votes, he's also had your daughter!

David Horton:
In fact we often say you should write these wonderful memories down, Frank.

Frank Pickle:
Oh, good thought!

David Horton:
...Instead of telling us. All the damn time.

Frank Pickle:
'Shaddap you face', that's the one.

David Horton:
[dictating] The parish clerk requested 'Shut Up Your Face' and the chairman pointed out that if he heard that particular song he would take Frank by the testicles and swing him round his head until his screams were heard in Reykjavik.

Frank Pickle:
[looking at Letitia's cake] Oh, lovely. Chocolate?

Letitia Cropley:
No. Marmite.

Owen Newitt:
I believe this is your filling.

Geraldine:
Oh... Thank you, Owen...

Owen Newitt:
I'd have brought it sooner, but I've only just passed it.

Geraldine:
Right... I won't be putting it right back in then...

[Geraldine has turned down Owen's proposal of marriage]

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Promise me you're not too upset?

Owen Newitt:
Well, I don't know yet how upset I am.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Well, not so upset you're going to go kill yourself or anything like that?

Owen Newitt:
I haven't decided. But, before I do, answer me one question.

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Oh, anything.

Owen Newitt:
Right. Have you been drinking?

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
Have had one little dropsicle, yes.

Owen Newitt:
Because if there's one thing I can't stand it's a woman who drinks. So, no, I'm not upset at all. In fact I'm very grateful to you from saving me from marriage to a lush who reeks of gin from dusk till dawn. Madam, I bid you farewell, you revolting old soak.

[Owen storms out]

Reverend Geraldine Granger:
That is one hell of a charming dude.

Geraldine Granger:
If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Bigamy Lady:
Yes!

[walks forward]

Bigamy Lady:
I do. The groom is already married.

[the congregation gasps]

Bigamy Lady:
He married me three years ago. And don't let him deny it! I've got the marriage certificate to prove it!

[after Hugo turns round to face her]

Bigamy Lady:
Oh... sorry. Wrong church.

[last lines]

Simon Horton:
I must say, I think marriage looks rather good fun. Don't you, Vicar?

Geraldine Granger:
Well, don't quote me on it, but, uh... Yes. I do.

[post credits]

Geraldine Granger:
So, the man from McDonald's goes to the Pope, and he says, "Holy Father, I have a proposition for you. I will give the church a million quid if every time you say the Lord's prayer you say, 'Give us this day our daily hamburger.'"

David Horton:
Mm-hm.

Geraldine Granger:
Well, the Holy Father thinks about this, and he says, "My son, I cannot change the holy text." So the man says, "OK, fifty million quid." So the Pope thinks and he says, "Well, I'll put it to the cardinals." So he goes to his cardinals and he says, "Cardinals, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I can get the church fifty million smackeroonies. The bad news is we're going to have to lose the contract with Wonderloaf."

[David laughs heartily]

Geraldine Granger:
You see, they already had a deal going...

David Horton:
With Daily bread.

Geraldine Granger:
Yes.

David Horton:
I know, I get it.

Geraldine Granger:
You get it?

David Horton:
Brilliant.

Geraldine Granger:
Oh, you get it! What a relief!

[both laugh]

David Horton:
[seriously] Stay.

Alice Tinker:
[about her wedding] It's all going to be so perfect.

Geraldine Granger:
Yes, although I have been having second thoughts about you wearing this dress.

Alice Tinker:
Really? You think I should go nude?

Geraldine Granger:
No.

Alice Tinker:
It's a thought.

Geraldine Granger:
No, no , no. I just think it should be simpler, that's all.

Alice Tinker:
Oh, you mean like, like lots of hearts or something.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, could be, yeah.

Alice Tinker:
With a different Doctor Who in each one.

Geraldine Granger:
No!

[first lines]

Geraldine Granger:
Sorry I'm late. Where are we?

Hugo Horton:
Voting on a name for the new road.

Geraldine Granger:
Oh, good. So long as we don't name it after any of us. I hate all that puffy, puffy self-publicity stuff, don't you? So, what's the suggestion?

Hugo Horton:
David Horton Road.

Geraldine Granger:
Oh, please! In the name of all that is holy, no!

David Horton:
Actually, I agree with the vicar on this one. Very poor idea, Hugo. Personally I'd rather we named it in memory of someone who is no longer with us, someone like, say... my predecessor as chairman of the parish council.

Owen Newitt:
Very good idea.

David Horton:
Excellent.

Geraldine Granger:
Your predecessor being, let me just get this right, your father's cousin? Whose name was...?

David Horton:
David Horton, that's right. All those in favour of naming it David Horton Road, after my predecessor?

[all but Geraldine raise their hands]

David Horton:
Carried.

Jim Trott:
[previewing his best man speech] I would like to begin with a quotation from that great song of Abba's. No no no no n-n-knowing me. No no no no knowing you.

Geraldine Granger:
I'm just going to get some water to drink, all right? I'll be in the kitchen; I'll still be listening.

Jim Trott:
Right. No no no no knowing me. No no no no knowing you, ah-haaa. There is nothing we can do.

Letitia Cropley:
I rather enjoyed Lady Chatterley. Some very useful tips.

David Horton:
I beg your pardon.

Letitia Cropley:
Oh, gardening tips; Mellors was a gamekeeper, very good at hedge control.

David Horton:
I see.

Letitia Cropley:
I thought the sex was jolly good fun, as well.

Ruth:
[about the flowers] They're very beautiful.

Letitia Cropley:
So are you, my dear. In my youth, I was what you call a corker. May I give you a bit of advice?

Ruth:
Of course.

Letitia Cropley:
Play the field; snog everybody; sleep with most. I didn't, and I've been regretting it ever since. I do like young Frank, but a bit of a slow mover. Twenty-six years and not even upstairs outsidees.

[last lines]

Alice Tinker:
[on TV show] The lesson is taken from the sixth chapter of the Song of Solomon, beginning at the second verse.

Alice Tinker:
[reading from the newly presented Bible] Ye are the fault of the earth and fainted... sainted. God shall feel... seal your endeavours until ye fit on his right hand. Therefore fight the good fight, for his... fake, and he shall be thy fu...

Geraldine Granger:
*Succour!* He shall be thy succour.

Alice Tinker:
...thy succour.

Geraldine Granger:
[watching the show] You see, nobody would have noticed. Would they, David?

David Horton:
No! No, of course not, not if they were watching the other side.

[post credits]

Geraldine Granger:
So, two nuns driving down the road in Transylvania.

Alice Tinker:
Oooh.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, and all of a sudden a great big scary vampire jumps out right in front of the car.

Alice Tinker:
Oh no.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah. So one nun says to the other, "Show him your cross." So she winds down her window and leans out and says, "Get out of the way you toothy git!"

[starts to laugh]

Alice Tinker:
Oh, I misunderstood that because I thought she meant show him your crucifix; whereas, in fact she meant show him you're really, really angry.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, it is quite a confusing story, yeah.

Alice Tinker:
I'm stupid.

Geraldine Granger:
No, you're not stupid at all.

Alice Tinker:
Oh, it's funny, eh.

[starts giggling]

[first lines]

Owen Newitt:
As long as you wear plastic gloves up to your shoulder, so you can put your arm right up her.

David Horton:
And I think that is that for today, except of course for any other business. Any other business? [pause] Hugo?

Hugo Horton:
Yup?

David Horton:
Any other business?

Hugo Horton:
Oh, uh... yes, um, I would like to record the council's gratitude for the completely anonymous gift of this wonderful new Bible.

[murmurs of agreement from the others]

David Horton:
I think you might add 'extraordinarily generous'.

Geraldine Granger:
Mmm... and delete 'completely anonymous'.

Geraldine Granger:
You always think people at the BBC are going to be glamorous, and then you remember Nicholas Witchell works there.

David Horton:
Besides which, most of them are so homosexual they make John Inman look like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Geraldine Granger:
Well, we'd better get started. No time like the present.

Cecil:
Except the past. I rather enjoyed that.

Geraldine Granger:
Yes it was fun, wasn't it?

Geraldine Granger:
[to herself in the mirror] Just one little kiss.

Gonads:
I'm very big in the gonads.

Geraldine Granger:
Yes, I don't doubt that for a minute. Is that important for singing?

Gonads:
The Great Ottley and Netterton Amateur Dramatic Society: Character Tenor.

Cecil:
What have you got for us?

Gonads:
[sings] You fill up my senses...

Cecil:
[listening to Owen's glorious rendition of "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring"] He's like a young Pavarotti.

Geraldine Granger:
Thinner...

Owen Newitt:
And I've got more sheep!

Geraldine Granger:
So Superman is flying along when he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself, totally nude and spread-eagled on the top of a tall building. Well, he's always fancied her so he thinks, now's my chance! He swoops down and faster than a speeding bullet he does his business and he's on his way. Well a moment later Wonder Woman rolls over and says "What was that?" And The Invisible Man says "I don't know, but it hurt a lot!"

Alice Horton:
I don't get it.

Geraldine Granger:
No, I didn't expect you would.

Alice Horton:
Well, you seem to be suggesting that Superman committed homosexual rape upon The Invisible Man. I just don't find that funny. In fact, you're besmirching the reputation of two of the finest superheroes this world has ever known! I mean, I've never actually met them. Well, I might have met The Invisible Man. I wouldn't know. He's invisible. I've heard that they are both really nice guys. Frankly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.

Bishop of Mulberry:
Do you, Boadicea Geraldine Granger...

Jim Trott:
Did he say "Boadicea"?

Bishop of Mulberry:
take this man, David Francis Matthew Horton, to be your lawful wedded husband?

Geraldine Granger:
Um... um... um...

Sean Bean:
NO! Don't do it, Geraldine! It's me you love, not him.

Jim Trott:
I was so excited, I made love to a Swedish journalist.

Geraldine Granger:
We know. We were chained to you at the time.

David Horton:
[Seeing Geraldine chained to the church] You look like an extract in a low-budget remake of a film by Ken Russell.

Owen Newitt:
[walking into the parish hall] Sorry for being late but I made the mistake of going to my toilet today and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

David Horton:
Are we all here?

Frank Pickle:
Yes, perfectly.

David Horton:
Not 'can we all hear', 'are we all here'?

[first lines]

David Horton:
[reading] "The wrath of the king was mighty and knew no bounds, and so they did leave that country and did with heavy heart return unto Japheth and unto Gad." Here ends the lesson.

Vicar Pottle:
Let us pray. Dear Lord, we ask thee to bless all the members of this thy congregation, and we especially ask you to remember the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family.

[Alice whispers in Pottle's ear]

Vicar Pottle:
Mrs. Sinclair Wilson who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. Amen.

David Horton:
Right, I call this meeting of the Dibley parish council to order; David Horton in the chair, and Frank Pickle taking minutes.

Frank Pickle:
Shall I minute that, sir?

David Horton:
What?

Frank Pickle:
About my taking the minutes?

David Horton:
Do you normally minute it?

Frank Pickle:
Well, I like to, yes.

David Horton:
Then do it again.

David Horton:
This is Geraldine. She's the new vicar!

Geraldine:
Hello.

Owen Newitt:
No, she isn't!

Geraldine:
Why not?

Owen Newitt:
She's a woman!

Geraldine:
Aaah, you noticed? These are such a give-away, aren't they? [pointing to her breasts]

[last lines]

Frank Pickle:
It's the most people we've had in the church since that Lady Godiva thing three years ago.

Geraldine:
Oh, what was that?

Hugo Horton:
We were celebrating the summer solstice, and we thought it would be fun to re-enact Lady Godiva.

Geraldine:
[to Alice, who is unbuttoning her] No, no, no, no, no, that is my dress.

Owen Newitt:
A lot of people turned up, but unfortunately it was rather disappointing.

Geraldine:
Lady Godiva wearing a body stocking.

Frank Pickle:
No! She was absolutely stark naked.

Geraldine:
Wow.

Letitia Cropley:
Well, I hadn't had time to go to the hair-dresser, so I wasn't looking my best.

Geraldine:
I bet you were, you sauce-pot.

Geraldine:
Hello, I'm Geraldine. Believe you're expecting me.

David Horton:
No, I'm expecting our new vicar. Unless of course you are the new vicar and they've landed us with a woman [laughs] as some sort of insane joke.

Geraldine:
Oh, dear.

David Horton:
Oh, my God!

Geraldine:
You were expecting a bloke; beard, Bible, bad breath.

David Horton:
Yes, that sort of thing.

Geraldine:
Yeah. And instead you got a babe with a bob-cut and a magnificent bosom.

David Horton:
So I see.

[post credits]

Geraldine:
So there's this nun, right?

Alice Tinker:
Uh.

Geraldine:
And she's having a bath. And a knock comes on the door.

Alice Tinker:
Oh dear.

Geraldine:
Yeah, and she says, "Who is it?" and the reply comes, "It's the blind man. Can I come in?" She thinks for a minute and she says, "Yes, all right then, come in." So this chap comes in and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

Alice Tinker:
[long pause] Oh! He's not...

Geraldine:
No.

[first lines]

Alice Tinker:
Vicar?

Geraldine Granger:
Mm-hm?

Alice Tinker:
What you looking forward to more than anything else at Christmas this year?

Geraldine Granger:
Well, my highlights are going to be Jurassic Park and the Queen's speech, written this year by Ruby Wax, I believe. And what about you?

Alice Tinker:
I'm totally excited about your first Christmas sermon; it, it's just going to be an experience I'll never forget.

Geraldine Granger:
Alice, my *first* Christmas sermon was last Christmas.

Alice Tinker:
Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Geraldine Granger:
Well, here's to love and marriage, which go together like a horse and carriage according to Cole Porter. He should know; he was gay.

[last lines]

Hugo Horton:
I-I-I'm not a great speech-maker. Get so nervous I usually start gibbering absolute talkish. I-I-I I just wanted to say: this village didn't amount to doodle-squat before the vicar arrived. N-Now it's a fantastic place to live.

Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle:
Hear, hear!

Owen Newitt:
She's the first person ever to make me feel genuinely desirable.

Hugo Horton:
Exactly, Owen. So I-I-I'd like you all to raise your glasses to our own dear vicar.

Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle:
Hear, hear.

David Horton:
To the vicar!

David Horton, Alice Tinker, Jim Trott, Owen Newitt, Frank Pickle:
The vicar!

Hugo Horton:
And we hope she soon recovers from what seems to have been a truly sensational bout of indigestion.

Geraldine Granger:
[from the WC] Thanks a lot. I should be out just after New Year.

Geraldine Granger:
[post credits] Right. Knock, knock.

Alice Tinker:
Who's there?

Geraldine Granger:
The interrupting sheep.

Alice Tinker:
The interrupting she...

Geraldine Granger:
Baaaaa! You get it?

Alice Tinker:
No, sorry, 'cause I hadn't finished my bit. Do it again, and...

Geraldine Granger:
No, that's the joke, you see. The interrupting sheep always interrupts people. See?

Alice Tinker:
And that's funny?

Geraldine Granger:
Yes. It's hilarious.

Alice Tinker:
Oh, well in that case, I know hundreds of hilarious jokes like that.

Geraldine Granger:
Do you?

Alice Tinker:
Yeah, I do. Uh, knock, knock.

Geraldine Granger:
Who's there?

Alice Tinker:
Uh, the interrupting cow.

Geraldine Granger:
The interrupting...

Alice Tinker:
Mooo. [Geraldine just nods]

Alice Tinker:
Knock, knock.

Geraldine Granger:
Who's there?

Alice Tinker:
The interrupting rabbit.

Geraldine Granger:
The interrupting rabbit who?

Alice Tinker:
[pause] What noise does a rabbit make? I know they sort of twitch their noses and...

Geraldine Granger:
I wonder if I could get the Church to agree to the idea of verger culling.

Alice Tinker:
[miming a rabbit] Tch tch tch tch tcn...

Frank Pickle:
Very good sermon, Vicar!

Jim:
No, no, no, no, yes! I like the way you move from the superficial and facile messages of popular culture to the subtle and more complex revelations of the nativity.

Owen Newitt:
You're a tit short of an udder, you are.

Geraldine Granger:
Can I have a private talk with you?

Alice Tinker:
Okay, as long as it's not about tampons because I just don't understand them.

Alice Horton:
[to Geraldine about Harry] Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?

[first lines]

Jim Trott:
[during a meeting] And I was down to the last two boxes! ?250,000 in one box, 10p in the other! And the Banker offered me ?100,000, and No-no-no-no-no-no-Noel Edmonds asked me the question, "Deal or No Deal?" Well, I wanted to deal. So I said, "No-no-no-no-no deal." And for some reason that I cannot fathom, they thought I meant, "No-no-no-no deal."

Owen Newitt:
And what was in your box?

Jim Trott:
[holds up a coin] 10p.

Harry Kennedy:
[answers the door and meets Geraldine and Alice] Oh, hello.

Geraldine Granger, Alice Horton:
Hello.

Harry Kennedy:
Come in?

Geraldine Granger:
Yes lovely.

[they enter the house]

Harry Kennedy:
[moves a large box] Sorry it's a bit of a mess. I just moved out of a student big flat in London it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze squeezing it all in so uh, well if you see anything you like the look of just steal it I'll never know.

Alice Horton:
Really?

Geraldine Granger:
[to Alice] No, not really.

Harry Kennedy:
Oh, I'm Harry by the way. Sorry. All over the shop today.

Geraldine Granger:
[shaking Harry's hand] Oh, right and I'm Geraldine. I just live down the lane.

Harry Kennedy:
Excellent.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah.

Alice Horton:
And I'm Alice.

Harry Kennedy:
[shakes her hand] Splendid! Well, what a suprise so I actually recieve a visit from a neighbour. I lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years and the bell never rang once.

Alice Horton:
Oh, we had a bell like that.

Alice Horton:
[walks out of the kitchen carrying two cups and gives one to Geraldine] I've been reading that fantastic new book from the Bible.

Geraldine Granger:
[confused] *What* fantastic new book from the Bible?

Alice Horton:
The Da Vinci Code. You know it's *so* much better than Genesis and that boring old stuff.

Geraldine Granger:
I hate to tell you Alice but The Da Vinci Code is *not* a new book in the Bible. It's just a story.

Alice Horton:
[downcast] Oh, that is so disappointing.

Geraldine Granger:
[broken voice] I know.

Alice Horton:
To think that Catholic Church has fooled you as well Mrs Gullible... Gussit. That's what they want you to believe. And I've been thinking...

Geraldine Granger:
Ooh. Always a worry.

[Geraldine watches from a bush as a taxi pulls up in front of Harry's house. Harry comes outside as the taxi's right back door opens]

Rosie Kennedy:
[excited] Hey!

Harry Kennedy:
[kindly taking a large red bag] What time do you call this? [Harry puts the red bag in his house and comes outside again]

Rosie Kennedy:
Aww, come here. [Harry and Rosie hug each other] I just love you.

Harry Kennedy:
Right. I'm taking you for a walk. It's so romantic round here when you get the juices flowing.

Rosie Kennedy:
That's gorgeous isn't it?

Harry Kennedy:
I've thought about it a lot and talked about it a lot, and thought whether or not... you would consider... marrying me.

[pause]

Geraldine Granger:
[thinking that Harry means Rosie] Well... yes of course. I'd be delighted to.

[Geraldine walks into the lounge, annoyed]

Harry Kennedy:
[pleased] That's wonderful news!

Geraldine Granger:
Have you thought about any dates?

Harry Kennedy:
Um, well I-I I thought we might be able to discuss that a little.

Geraldine Granger:
Well I might put a little punt in for Christmas. It's always a very romantic time of year.

Harry Kennedy:
Fine. Excellent, if Christmas sounds good to you?

David Horton:
[looking at the meeting agenda] Any other, other business?

Geraldine Granger:
Uh, yes actually there is something. I was very cross to hear that Sleepy Cottage has been sold to yet another layabout Londoner. I mean, honestly guys if this goes on, Dibley will be a ghost town. And then...

David Horton:
Who you gonna call?

Owen Newitt, Jim Trott, Hugo Horton, Frank Pickle:
Ghostbusters!

Geraldine Granger:
Over to you David.

David Horton:
Yes well, there is one little thing: I brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the Vicar last weekend did her 100th Wedding while she's been here. [everyone cheers and David pops the cork off the bottle as Hugo brings glasses to the table]

Geraldine Granger:
[surprised] Really? 100? Goodness me. So that's 100 happy-in-love brides and grooms and... and I'm always the Vicar... I'm never the bride... [Geraldine starts to break down] I'm alw-I'm always in the cassack... I'm never in the lovely big white frocks... [Geraldine starts crying]

Alice Horton:
[after Geraldine saw Harry talking on the phone to a lady friend he knew] Oh love. What fools it makes of us all.

Geraldine Granger:
[sitting on the sofa, disappointed] Yes indeed.

Alice Horton:
Week after week I've been snogging that new puppy and then whoops-a-daisy I've got a great big mouth ulcer.

Geraldine Granger:
[uninterested] What a lovely romantic story.

Alice Horton:
Do you remember when you were dating David's brother and you jumped into that puddle just to show off? You went in right up to your neck.

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah well I won't be doing that again, no matter how cute a chap is.

Alice Horton:
[gasps] Oh gosh! How's it going with Mr. Dreamboat? [Geraldine looks down] Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?

Geraldine Granger:
[annoyed] No Alice! He hasn't! [Alice makes a cute sound] Shut up and get out!

Alice Horton:
[walks into the lounge] I've been thinking. [Alice sits on the sofa next to Geraldine] Should've been you. [meaning Geraldine and Harry]

Geraldine Granger:
Oh well...

Harry Kennedy:
Fine. Excellent, if Christmas sounds good to you?

Geraldine Granger:
Yeah, yeah well let's check the book. [confused, Harry walks further into the room as Geraldine takes out the book] This is the Church Diary. Let's have a look. [Geraldine picks up a pen and opens the book] Yep. There's a gap on the 22nd if that suits.

Harry Kennedy:
Excellent.

Geraldine Granger:
[makes a note] Good. Well look, while we're here we might as well get some of the other admin done mightn't we? [Harry looks confused as Geraldine takes out another notebook] Let's try this one. Uh right, so your full name is Harry...

Harry Kennedy:
Jasper Kennedy.

Geraldine Granger:
[makes a note] Oh right. Well I hope that doesn't get a giggle.

Harry Kennedy:
[laughing] Fingers crossed.

Geraldine Granger:
Yep. And what's the full name of the *lucky lady* in question?

Harry Kennedy:
Um, well... I don't know her middle name.

Geraldine Granger:
Oh well, we can fill that in later, can't we? And just pray that that isn't embarrassing as well otherwise it's going to be like a sitcom out there.

Geraldine Granger:
[writing in a notebook] Right, so just her first and last name then.

Harry Kennedy:
Well...

Geraldine Granger:
Come on Harry. You shouldn't be marrying someone if you don't even know their name.

Harry Kennedy:
[slowly] Well... obviously it's... Geraldine...

Geraldine Granger:
[writing] Geraldine...

Harry Kennedy:
Granger.

Geraldine Granger:
[writing] Grange...

[Geraldine turns around]

Geraldine Granger:
[shocked] Pardon?

Harry Kennedy:
Geraldine Granger... I'm asking you to marry me, Geraldine Granger.

Geraldine Granger:
This is my magazine collection: Brides, Beautiful Brides, Best Bride Guide, Bride and Joy, Bridalicious, Busty Brides, Bridle Paths in Oxfordshire...na, that's no good...Brides Hair, Brides Hair Revisited, and this is Martha Stewart's Weddings for people getting married in jail. We don't really need that one.

[first lines]

Owen Newitt:
Filthy weather.

Jim Trott:
No no no no no no no no I've known worse.

Owen Newitt:
Oh yes? When was that, then?

Jim Trott:
The Great Storm, when the windmill got blown over.

Owen Newitt:
That wasn't the Great Storm; that was a moderately windy night. No, the really great storm was the Great Storm.

Jim Trott:
When was that, then?

Owen Newitt:
When Dave Batt got decapitated.

Jim Trott:
That wasn't the Great Storm.

Owen Newitt:
Well, it was pretty damn great.

Jim Trott:
No, the greatest storm was the one when Old Harold got blown into the quarry.

Owen Newitt:
Ooh, that! The Great Winds.

Jim Trott:
The what?

Owen Newitt:
The Great Storm there's got to be rain, and in the Great Winds there was just wind.

Letitia Cropley:
Nasty night. It reminds me of the Great Storm.

Owen Newitt, Jim Trott:
Shut up!

[post credits]

Alice Tinker:
Right. I've got one for you, today.

Geraldine Granger:
Oh, fab.

Alice Tinker:
It's very funny. Ahem. Knock, knock.

Geraldine Granger:
Who's there?

Alice Tinker:
Ronny.

Geraldine Granger:
Ronny who?

Alice Tinker:
Ronny Barker. [laughs] It would be funny if Ronny Barker came to your door, wouldn't it?

Geraldine Granger:
Yes. I'm not quite sure you understand how these jokes work.

Alice Tinker:
Knock, knock.

Geraldine Granger:
Who's there?

Alice Tinker:
Billy.

Geraldine Granger:
Billy Connolly would it be?

Alice Tinker:
Yes! [laughing] How did you know that one? Well it's funny, isn't it?

Geraldine Granger:
Not really, no.

Alice Tinker:
Don't worry, I have got hundreds more where they came from. Knock, knock.

Geraldine Granger:
Who the hell is it this time?

Alice Tinker:
Groucho.

Geraldine Granger:
Going to be a very long night, isn't it.

Alice Tinker:
I've got this piggy-bank. My dad, right, used to put all his money in it, and he said that when I grew up, I could open it buy a castle.

Geraldine Granger:
Did your dad have a reputation for telling the truth?

Alice Tinker:
Oh, yeah. My mother knew all about his kids in the other villages.

Geraldine Granger:
I want our church to be a *church*, not an enormous church-shaped begging bowl.

David Horton:
Yes, and I want Princess Anne to knock on my door and say, "I have dumped that ugly berk Tim Laurence; I'm all yours, big boy." But it's not going to happen, is it?

[last lines]

Daniel Frobisher:
Clever bastard.

Geraldine Granger:
Oh, pity. That's another thousand pounds, I'm afraid.

[calls out]

Geraldine Granger:
Good news, everybody; the Christmas outing's on again, thanks to Daniel.

Geraldine Granger:
You're not scared anymore?

Alice Tinker:
No. [the lights go out. Alice screams]

Geraldine Granger:
For crying out loud Hugo!

Geraldine Granger:
Let's just finish this conversation, before I stab you to death.