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Captain: he calls himself The Scatman. He's been knocking off rival crime bosses, and now he's going after innocent, uh, civilians? Susie Wagner: If we really want to catch this guy, we need to set up a wire tap, get a court order... Chris Monsanto: Or we can just round up all the lowlifes in town and treat them/beat them like human piñatas until one of them talks/squawks. Captain: I like Monsanto's plan. It's easier on the budget. Brett Mobley: Well, you haven't heard my plan yet. Captain: Yes, Mobley? [Brett goes back to his seat knowing he doesn't have a plan] Susie Wagner: So, we're just gonna torture people? Captain: Unless you got another suggestion. Susie Wagner: I just gave you one. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Civilized Old Guy: Sir, please. I wasn't aware. Who are you, sir? WHO ARE YOU?! The Scatman: [scatting] BAM! [Civilized Old Guy intestines explodes] The Scatman: I'm The Scatman. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[after Chris and the gang watches Fartners In Slime] E.D. Levain: Finish it, Chris. Finish it. Chris Monsanto: Alright. [shoots E.D. Levain] Susie Wagner: I think he meant finish the movie. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Susie Wagner: Why, Levain? Just to do a remake of "Partners In Crime"? E.D. Levain: Not a remake -- A spoof. It was going to be the greatest spoof of all time. But these ungrateful actor didn't want to be in it. So I had to kill them and shoot the movie with their corpses. [as Chris sees the script again, he wipes the blood off the title and what it's actually called Fartners In Slime] Chris Monsanto: Too bade nobody's gonna see it. Brett, take that film outside and burn it. Then take the ashes to the desert and bury them. And then, uh, kill yourself so you don't accidentally blab about it, okay? Brett Mobley: 10-4. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[E.D. Levain sees a boom in the shot] E.D. Levain: Boom in the shot! BOOM IN THE SHOT! [Chris appears holding the boom operator] Chris Monsanto: And in the director. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Chris and the gang sees E.D. Levain directing dead actors that he's killed] Brett Mobley: This guy's cuckoo bananas for Cocoa Puffs and bananas. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Susie tries to settle the drug couple to stop fighting] Brett Mobley: That drug dealer looks like my work Mom. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Susie become a trunk pharmacist] Man: Hurry up, skank. I got to go find my kids. Susie Wagner: Okay, here are you painkillers and your date-rape drugs. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Susie Wagner: What's going on? Businessman: Joel -- The hot, new pharmacist. Sorry, Susie. That's how it is in the pharm biz. I'll need your coat. [leaves] Businessman #2: You looking for work? I got a pharm-trunk out in the valley. I could use a pretty girl like you. Your life is about to change, little lady. Businessman #2: For the worst, I mean. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Chris sees himself on trades] Chris Monsanto: "Achievement in sticking your nose where it don't belong". [chuckles] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Jeff Pooley: Yes? Chris Monsanto: Hi! Mr. Pooley, I just want you to know I am such a huge fan of yours. It's such a pleasure to meet you. Jeff Pooley: Thanks. [Chris punches Jeff Pooley] Jeff Pooley: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! Chris Monsanto: I'm here to put you in a movie. It's called "I'm the Guy Who Confessed to Killing the Cast of 'Partners In Crime'. Jeff Pooley: No, you got the wrong guy, Marshal. Chris Monsanto: Oh, I don't think so, Pooley. In fact, I think this might be your big BREAK! [Chris breaks one of Jeff Pooley's bones] Jeff Pooley: OHH, GOD! OHH! That isn't me! I ain't bitter. I-I just spoke to Levain last week. Brett Mobley: Levain? Who's that, some kind of guy? Jeff Pooley: E.D. Levain! He -- He wrote and directed "Partners In Crime". Chris Monsanto: He calls, says he wants to put me in his new movie. That's right, things are really heating up for me. There's a lot of buzz around Jeff Pooley these days. Brett Mobley: You know what else has a lot of buzz around it, Pooley? HORSESHT! – Eagleheart* (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Chris Monsanto: You know, Brett, the only life-form lower than an actor is a failed actor, and this place is lousy with them. I bet there's a wait list to jump out the window. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Old Woman: I need something for my allergies. Susie Wagner: Oh, I-I don't work here. But...I hear these are pretty effective. Old Woman: Thank you. Do you sell exit bags? Susie Wagner: Oh, try aisle four. Chris Monsanto: Okay, Susie, enough of the star sucking. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Chris Monsanto: Ah, here we go -- Map of the Faded Stars' Homes. Brett Mobley: Does it say where Swamp Thing lives? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Susie Wagner: So, where do we start? Chris Monsanto: Well, sweetheart, why don't we start with the prime suspect -- That washed-up sack of sht, Jeff Pooley. Susie Wagner:* The failed actor? Chris Monsanto: Uh-huh. Susie Wagner: I heard he cried himself to death. Chris Monsanto: No, honey, he is very much alive. And if my hunch is correct, he's still bitter about being cut out of "Partners In Crime". Susie Wagner: So, where do we find him? Chris Monsanto: [mockingly] So where do we find him? Ugh! [Chris throw his drink at a Tinselwood citizen] Tinselwood Citizen: [to the viewers] Why'd he have to go and do a thing like that? [gives the viewers a thumbs down] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Chris and the gang go to Tinselwood] Brett Mobley: Wow! Tinselwood Dry Cleaning! Abelman's Lighting Rental! Madame LaForge's Wax Holocaust Museum! Susie Wagner: Quit looking at landmarks and start looking for clues, Brett. We've got a case to crack. Brett Mobley: I see a landmark -- World's Biggest Btch. [Brett literally sees a World's Biggest Btch on landmark] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Captain plays the "In Memoriam" tape showing all the actors dead] Susie Wagner: Wait a minute, none of the actors are dead. Captain: That's right, Susie. But they were all in the cast of the obscure action thriller -- [brings up a movie dvd] Chris Monsanto: [gasps] Partners In Crime? Only my favorite movie of all. I had Gene Shalit framed for wife beating when he gave it one star. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Chris Monsanto: Beloved editor, eh? Captain: The killer added that. We haven't found any evidence that this editor was loved by anyone. Chris Monsanto: Oh, come one, Cappy. Even a lowly video editor can find somebody with a fatso fetish. Can you imagine what the bottom of that guy's chair smelled like? Brett Mobley: You mean the wheels? Chris Monsanto: Hey, Brett. Brett Mobley: [literally shuts down] Captain: In any event, this beast left behind a new "In Memoriam" reel. Susie Wagner: Great! We can dust for prints. Captain: oh, no go, Susie. I already had it dusted for dust. Damn germophobia. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Susie goes back to its normal body while still being in Brinks Prison Island] Glorm: Ugh! Who the hell are you? Where's Little Dude? Susie Wagner: It's me! This is how I normally look. Frib: [vomits] Glorm: You're not one of us. Susie Wagner: But, Glorm, I thought you said that it's what's inside that counts. Glorm: Eh, Glorm say a lot of things. Frib: GO HOME, NORMO! Susie Wagner: YOU GUYS ARE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! [leaves] Glorm: Yikes. Time of the month, huh? Frib: More like btch of the year! – Eagleheart* (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[after Brett got taken to court and confess that he massacre all of the farmer's animals, which he didn't] Brett Mobley: So, you see, your honor, my client, A.K.A. me, A.K.A. the town's infamous animal shredder, A.K.A. Shredsie to local tall-tale tellers, was behind the whole thing, but only if it means that Chris will like me. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Farmer comes in to the Marshals' Office bring his dead deer] Chris Monsanto: Sir, if you want that taken in, there's a tailor down the block. Farmer: Marshal, my farm was attacked last night by a leaping beast with a semi-human face. Chris Monsanto: Hmm, Jackie Chan must be in town. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Brett looks at his mirror] Brett Mobley: Little Dude this, Little Dude that. All Chris can talk about is how great Little Dude is. Brett Mobley #2: Tell me about it. Little Dude ain't so hot. He's just a ball of fur with some teeth. Brett Mobley: I know. That's what I'm saying. Brett Mobley #3: I don't know, guys. I think Little Dude's pretty cool. If I was you, Brett, I'd blow my brains out. Brett Mobley #2: Shut the f* up! You're just jealous because Brett's always coming to me for advice. Brett Mobley #3: That's because all you do is kiss his ass! Brett Mobley: AAH! BRETTS, STOP FIGHTING! – Eagleheart** (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
[Susie Wagner (Little Dude) tackles and eats the goat] Brett Mobley: Little Dude, what are you doing?! Chris Monsanto: Brett, it's called police work. He's imitating the killer to try to get inside its mind. It's good to know that at least one of my partners isn't a complete mook. [referring to Susie] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago
Captain: A bit of a disturbing case today, gang -- A series of attacks on local livestock last night. Witnesses say they saw some kind of creature. Susie Wagner (Little Dude): [deep voice] YEAH! LET'S GET THIS THING! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 day ago

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