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Victor Frankenstein:
Polidori, I've come from the future!

Polidori #2:
You're not going to try to make me enjoy Christmas, are you?

Victor Frankenstein:
No, no, no. I just need the immortality serum.

Polidori #2:
Let me guess. You finally fed Elizabeth the serum, because instantly weary of her, lived 1,000 years in a miserable marriage, came back to reclaim your passion though her dispassion, but now you can't take it, so you want to give this Elizabeth, who's the exact same Elizabeth, the exact same serum so she'll need to be with you the exact same way she did the first time?

Victor Frankenstein:
How did you know?

Polidori #2:
[scoffs] You're a heterosexual man, Victor. You're predictable.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Jesus Christ:
Okay. try to get this concept, okay? It's my concept. I came up with it. All vaginas are one vagina. Can you understand that? Just the one big vagina. In your case, it is the same vagina. [to Victor] Paperface, look at me when I'm talking to you! You don't get this! You don't get that having sex with her now is the same as having sex with her then. It's the same damn vagina! Just do it. Please, and get me my socks.

Polidori:
Well, he's a bit crass, but he's right.

[Jesus Christ points to his beeping thing around his leg]

Victor Frankenstein:
W-W-What was that you had on your leg?

Jesus Christ:
Oh. Oh, don't worry about that.

Polidori:
Well, that's an odd device. What is that?

Jesus Christ:
Well, nothing. It's coming off soon.

Polidori:
It's beeping.

Jesus Christ:
LOOK, IT'S AN ALCOHOL-MONITORING -- I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO MY PRIVATE LIFE! Get me some socks and we're in business.

Victor Frankenstein:
Right. Polidori, see to it that he gets his socks. I'm off to rekindle my passion for Elizabeth behind her back. [leaves]

Jesus Christ:
[to Polidori] Oh, and I hear the colored ones make your feet smell weird so I'd prefer white. I mean, they can have colored stripes -- Just not on the sole. You know, like up high, that's fine.

[Frankenstein's Creation shows up]

Frankenstein's Creation:
[gasps] Could it be that this man is the historical Jesus?

Jesus Christ:
Where did this come from? This one here.

Frankenstein's Creation:
I've come from many places.

Jesus Christ:
I don't think my father made you. You're a little creepy.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Jesus Christ:
I say unto you...blessed are the meek!

Polidori:
[looks at the appointment notes] Oh. Our 11:15 has arrived -- Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus Christ:
I want you to invent socks for me.

Victor Frankenstein:
Socks are already invented, you fool!

Jesus Christ:
Then supply my feet with them, and then you shall have eternal bliss. You like that? I do a little Jesus. I get into character.

Victor Frankenstein:
Please. I-I don't need eternal anything. But what I do need is for you to give me what you give best -- Forgiveness.

Jesus Christ. Okay. Whatever. You're forgiven.

Victor Frankenstein:
No, no, no. I want you to pre-absolve me from cheating on my wife by convincing me that I'm not a loser. Give me that, and I will give you...SOCKS!

Jesus Christ:
YAAAAY! [claps]

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[after Victor and Elizabeth's 1,000th Anniversary]

Polidori:
How did it go?

Victor Frankenstein:
It was a bloodbath.

Polidori:
So it was good?

Victor Frankenstein:
No. She left me.

Polidori:
So it was bad?

Victor Frankenstein:
No. It was neither good nor bad. I feel nothing.

Polidori:
Well, I'm sure the fat chinese hippie didn't help.

Victor Frankenstein:
Japanese!

Polidori:
[curious] Really?

Victor Frankenstein:
I'm confused, Polidori. I used to love Elizabeth.

Polidori:
The Elizabeth that was completely indifferent to you.

Victor Frankenstein:
Yeah -- Her. Oh, god, she was so beautiful way back then. And uncaring and cold and so va-va-va in love with other men! Ah, but that was all before I ruined everything!

Polidori:
That Elizabeth is still there in the past, you know.

Victor Frankenstein:
[scoffs] I couldn't. That would be...beneath me.

Polidori:
Do you think?

Victor Frankenstein:
Alright. Look, I've been an arrogant, good-looking, genius bastard. I admit it.

Polidori:
Don't be so hard on yourself.

Victor Frankenstein:
But one thing I'm not, is a cheat! Cheating implies weakness!

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
How dare you come in late for our 1,000th anniversary?! Have you any idea how hard I slaved in the kitchen, telling the cook exactly how you like your meat? And what's this?

Victor Frankenstein:
Ta-da! It's a Wayne Newton impersonator. Happy 1,000th, darling!

Wayne Newton:
Hey. Danke schoen.

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
Where's the *real* Wayne Newton impersonator?

Victor Frankenstein:
How do you know so much about Wayne Newton's impersonators?

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
Well, look at him! He's a fat chinese hippie!

Wayne Newton:
Hey, I-I'm right here, man.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[Victor checks his "Anniversary Gifts" book]

Victor Frankenstein:
Let's see. 50 is gold. 1,000 is...Wayne Newton?

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[Hundreds of husbands' funerals later]

Victor Frankenstein:
How about now?

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
Oh, alright!

Polidori (as the marriage vower):
Do you, Elizabeth Mizoguchi, take Victor Frankenstein to be your lawful wedded husband for all eternity? Literally?

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
I finally do.

Polidori:
I now pronounce you man and wife.

[as Victor and Elizabeth kissed, Victor yawns, and then Elizabeth slaps him]

[One thousand years and no funerals later]

Victor Frankenstein:
I'm suddenly...so bored.

Polidori:
Well. Why do you look so chipper?

Victor Frankenstein:
Do I? [looks at his mirror] Quite right. No idea, though. I mean, Elizabeth's been impossible lately.

Polidori:
It is that time of the year again.

Victor Frankenstein:
Of the year? [chuckles] Poor Polidolly. Brilliant scientist, but far too queer to know anything about a lady's toilet area.

Polidori:
I was referring to your wedding anniversary.

Victor Frankenstein:
Oh, that. Well, anniversaries usually pass without too much drama. All you really have to do is ignore them.

Polidori:
Not this time, my lad. By my calculations, this is your 1,000th.

Victor Frankenstein:
Already?

[Polidori shows the calendar that says April 23th of where they're anniversary started]

Victor Frankenstein:
BALLS! Well, I'm sure Ygor has it all covered.

Polidori:
Really?

Victor Frankenstein:
Oh, he's very good. Watch. Ygor.

Ygor:
Yes, master?

Victor Frankenstein:
Just wanted to touch base on a few matters I need doing. Have you decided what my favorite color is?

Ygor:
No. Not yet. You're leaning toward blue, though.

Victor Frankenstein:
I see. How about my throat? Have you cleared that yet?

Ygor:
Ah. I was just getting to it. [clears throat] There -- Done.

Victor Frankenstein:
And, uh, did you get my wife an anniversary present?

Ygor:
Uh-oh. Is that the year?

Victor Frankenstein:
Fantastic! If you want something done around here, you've got to do it yourself! Out, you fool! And don't forget forget to take a crap for me before dinner!

Ygor:
[laughing] You got it!

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[the origin of how Victor and Elizabeth got married]

Victor Frankenstein:
Elizabeth, will you marry me?

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
Now? Victor, this is my wedding reception, and I love Henry Clerval.

Victor Frankenstein:
But I'm better!

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
Not for me!

Henry Clerval:
Ah, my bride and my best friend -- The perfect moment for a toast.

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
Darling.

[as Elizabeth meets Henry Clerval, Victor mysteriously put immortality serum into his and Elizabeth's drinks]

Henry Clerval:
A long life! To the three of us!

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
To the three of us!

Victor Frankenstein:
Two out of three of us!

[50 years later at the funeral for Henry Clerval's passing]

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
[to Henry] Oh, goodbye, my darling. [smooches]

Victor Frankenstein:
How 'bout now?

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
My husband had just died!

Victor Frankenstein:
It's always something with you.

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
By giving me that elixir, you slowly murdered Henry with old age!

Victor Frankenstein:
Yes, and, like him, every other man you love will die -- Except me.

Elizabeth Frankenstein:
Victor, at least give me a little time.

Victor Frankenstein:
That, I've got! [makes an ok hand gesture]

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Joe Yunger:
[drunk] Dude, I took a bus to New York to go to damn vampire fightin' school, and I got off there, and they were asking me -- They said, "Damn! You got shoes"! Yeah, 'cause I was so prejudiced against New Yorkers! And I started saying, "No, things are different. Things are different". A-And he looked at me and said, "Genghis Khan ruled the world, from the -- The Japan Sea to the Danube". The Danube -- That's in Europe. And you know who told me about that? Dwight Yoakim told me about that book, and I read the damn book from cover to cover! Don't tell me about the damn south, man!

Nosferatu:
[title card intensifies] Geez, stab me through the heart already.

Joe Yunger:
You're arrogant! You think you're better than everybody else. No wonder most of you guys are nazis. I'm the liberal here.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[as Gandhi was about to bite Rishima, it pans to the next scene where he's hand puppeting his own shadow as a joke]

Gandhi:
[laughs] Gotcha! Seriously, through... [menacingly] GOTCHA!

[Rishima's dead]

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Victor Frankenstein:
He mixed what with WHO?!

Frankenstein's Creation:
Uh, blood...with...Dracula.

Victor Frankenstein:
Just because you were a little jealous?!

Frankenstein's Creation:
Really jealous. But he--

Ygor:
[sticks him with Bride's hair stick] Get back, you fool! Burn!

Frankenstein's Creation:
[sighs]

Ygor:
Burn, burn!

Gandhi:
Wait -- Uh, so, its this a biggie or what?

Victor Frankenstein:
It's a biggie.

Polidori:
I do hope you're not married to this whole "World Harmony" thing.

Victor Frankenstein:
Or hunger-striking.

Gandhi:
What's going on?

Victor Frankenstein:
Mr. Gandhi, you are now a vampire.

Gandhi:
You mean...

Victor Frankenstein:
You drink blood.

Gandhi:
But -- But I'm a vegetarian! Blood isn't a vegetable, right? It's -- It's like meat gravy.

Victor Frankenstein:
No, human blood is not a vegetable.

Gandhi:
Human blood, to boot?! Oh, that's really not a vegetable. This is not going to be so good for peace.

Gandhi:
Hey, my stomach -- It no growl when I say "Peace".

Polidori:
There's a plus.

Gandhi:
[giggles] I just a thought of some a funny. That the Dracula is a real pain in the neck! [laughs] [stomach growls] Ooh! Neck? [stomach growls] Leg? [stomach growls] Any part of the human body [stomach growls]

Gandhi:
Oh, mamma mia!

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[Dracula bites Gandhi]

Dracula:
Yech! Curry! [spits]

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Gandhi:
Hey, some good action around here.

Frankenstein's Creation:
'Tis thine actions against me that I have taken offense to.

Gandhi:
Since when are we best friends all of a sudden?

Frankenstein's Creation:
Thou art renowned for thy kindness.

Gandhi:
Kindness is relative. If I'm kind to you by not hitting on your lady, is that ultimately kind to her when she doesn't get to experience my delicious indian body?

Frankenstein's Creation:
[scoffs]

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Frankenstein's Creation:
And then they laughed at me, Nosferatu. It was so humiliating!

Nosferatu:
[title card intensifies] Boo hoo. Try being bald.

Frankenstein's Creation:
No, you have a nice head.

[Gandhi arrives at the bar]

Gandhi:
Hey, what's up, gang? Let's get this party started.

Frankenstein's Creation:
Here comes the stud now.

Gandhi:
H-Hey! There he is. [slaps a werecat's butt] Hiya, big fella!

Nosferatu:
[title card intensifies] Awkward...I think I'd rather sit with the vampire hunter.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Gandhi:
Excuse me. I'm passing by and noticed there's a light on.

Bride of Frankenstein:
How dare you barge in here uninvited!

Gandhi:
Sorry. I just needed some rest. You see, I've been very busy...saving the world.

Bride of Frankenstein:
Oh. Really?

Gandhi:
[yawns] Yes, you know -- Martyr missions, love rallies, protesting for peace. [stomach growls]

Bride of Frankenstein:
Oh, are you hungry? I can warm up some meatballs.

Gandhi:
Sounds delish, but I'm on a hunger strike... [sexually] for world harmony.

Bride of Frankenstein:
Oh! My nipples...they're so erect.

[Gandhi and Bride of Frankenstein make out with each other, but Frankenstein's Creation was not having it]

Frankenstein's Creation:
NOOOO! She was made for me!

Gandhi:
I don't see no ring.

Bride of Frankenstein:
[to Gandhi] I've rejected him. He's so self-involved, and he's afraid of fire.

Gandhi:
What, this stuff? [touches Bride's firehead] I want to run barefoot through it.

Bride of Frankenstein:
Oh, go ahead.

Gandhi:
I think I will!

Frankenstein's Creation:
DO NOT MOCK ME!

[Bridge of Frankenstein lights Gandhi's head on fire scaring Creation away]

Gandhi:
Boo! [laughs]

Frankenstein's Creation:
Aaah! Curse my ugliness! [leaves]

Bride of Frankenstein:
Oh, "Boo"! [laughs] You are so adorable. Now, tell me ore about this whole [rips her clothes] "hunger strike" thing.

Gandhi:
[looks at the camera] Oh, mamma mia!

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[Frankenstein's Creation sees the bride with fire on head lighting up a match]

Frankenstein's Creation:
What have they done? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Gandhi:
What? Y-You don't like the fire head?

Frankenstein's Creation:
No.

Gandhi:
I think it looks kind of cute on her.

Frankenstein's Creation:
CUTE?! Her sultry locks have been replaced by the scornful flowers of hephaestus.

Gandhi:
Ooh! You're a little bookworm, aren't you?

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

[Victor makes an appointment for Gandhi by mixing Dracula's blood into Gandhi's body]

Victor Frankenstein:
Now, please remain perfectly still. The amount I have to add to your bloodstream is quite exact, and I need to be completely focused.

[Victor injects the Dracula's blood serum to Gandhi]

Victor Frankenstein:
There. That should do it.

Gandhi:
You know, I'm feeling better already! [chuckles]

Victor Frankenstein:
I'd like you to stick around for a few days, though, so I can monitor your progress. There's a nice bar down the hill.

Gandhi:
Well, I don't usually drink, but I wouldn't mind downing a couple of G&Ts right about now.

Victor Frankenstein:
My Creation will show you the way.

Gandhi:
[to Creation] Holy cow! You're uglier than me!

[Creations grabs Gandhi]

Gandhi:
WHEE! HEE-HEE!

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Victor Frankenstein:
Ygor, bring me that vial of Dracula's blood.

Ygor:
[laughing] You got it.

Gandhi:
Dracula? Wait -- He's a mean vampire, right?

Victor Frankenstein:
I don't know about "mean". A clod, maybe.

Gandhi:
Really? A clod? I always thought he got the cute dames.

Victor Frankenstein:
Yes, yes, yes. He has some misguided confidence, I suppose.

Gandhi:
Whoops. Sore spot.

Victor Frankenstein:
I'M NOT SORE!

Gandhi:
Sorry I asked.

Victor Frankenstein:
It's just -- If she's going to have an affair, go for someone more worthy of being my successor.

Gandhi:
Ohhhh. Your wife's a diddling him, am I right? I'd love to be the lady-killer, like Dracula -- You know, the bad boy. Me -- I have to be the nice guy who's into saving the world.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Polidori:
[introducing] Mohandas K. Gandhi, Victor Frankenstein.

Gandhi:
Frankenstein?! EEK!

Victor Frankenstein:
Eek?

Gandhi:
Oh. Uh, wait. You're not Frankenstein.

Victor Frankenstein:
But I am.

Gandhi:
No, no, no, no. Frankenstein has a square head, and he's big and spooky.

Victor Frankenstein:
I am Victor Frankenstein -- The Creator. What can I do for you?

[minutes later]

Gandhi:
You see, I'm known in my time period for implementing the passive resistance through my hunger-striking.

Victor Frankenstein:
[yawning] Uh-huh.

Gandhi:
Am I boring you?

Victor Frankenstein:
Yes. Go on.

Gandhi:
Wow. Okay. So -- I...anyway, all of this hunger-striking is making me very weak and brittle. Watch. [cracks his hands] See? Worthless.

Victor Frankenstein:
I see.

Gandhi:
So, I'm afraid I won't be able to hold up long enough to bring the unity to India -- A-Among other things.

Victor Frankenstein:
Other things?

Gandhi:
Well...I also broke my hip humping a broad the other day.

Polidori:
Yet another reason not to "Hump a broad".

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Polidori:
[to Gandhi] The Baron is putting some finishing touches on our bride's makeover.

[Victor manages to switch the bride's hair from a firestick]

Gandhi:
Oh! Look! Her hair is on fire!

Polidori:
Don't be ridiculous. Her hair's not on fire, you fool. Her hair IS fire.

Gandhi:
Oh. Well, easy mistake. I mean -- I mean, "Fool" was a little harsh.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Nehru:
So, those girls, have you ever had one?

Gandhi:
[chuckles] Are you kidding? They love that I'm so sensitive and selfless.

Nehru:
Oh, that's great!

Gandhi:
What's so great about it? I only get the women when I'm hunger-striking, and that's when I'm weak and brittle. Watch this.

Gandhi:
Rishima, can you come over here a moment, please?

Rishima:
Yes, master.

[as Gandhi was about to hump Rishima, one of his bones start to crack]

Nehru:
What happened?

Gandhi:
Oh, I snapped my hip. That will be all, Rishima. [to Nehru] See? Brittle.

Nehru:
Yep. You're right.

Gandhi:
Yeah. Oh, it's driving crazy, Nehru. Whenever I'm not thinking about global harmony, which is a lot all I'm thinking about are the ladies.

Nehru:
Same here. Boy, we are like two peas in a pod.

Gandhi:
[stomach growls]

Nehru:
I said "Peas"!

Gandhi:
I know! They're delicious.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Nehru:
Gandhi-Ji, there is still no sign of peace.

Gandhi:
[stomach growls] Oh! Nehru, don't say that word.

Nehru:
What, "Peace"?

Gandhi:
[stomach growls] Yes! I'm hunger-striking here!

Nehru:
The word "Peace" makes you hungry?

Gandhi:
[stomach growls] It's pavlovian conditioning. Every time there's peace... [stomach growls] ...I eat. No peace.... [stomach growls] ...no eat.

Nehru:
Got it. God, those girls are hot.

Gandhi:
Ha. Tell me something I don't know.

Nehru:
Ooh, I'd love to get a piece of that action!

Gandhi:
[stomach growls] You said it again.

Nehru:
It was just a homonym!

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
11 days ago

Albert Einstein:
And so it was that, by the older Ron Howard carnally violating the younger Ron Howard, the fabric of the cosmos had torn and upset the time/space continuum, resulting in their own personal vast universe of infinite, varied-aged-by-microsecond Ron Howards, who have existed and will always exist, in the vast ocean of chronology --

Victor Frankenstein:
Yeah, whatever.

Albert Einstein:
Go ahead and interrupt me again.

Victor Frankenstein:
I don't need it explained.

Albert Einstein:
Okay, whatever. I guess I'll go jump in the lake, then. How 'bout that? [leaves]

Victor Frankenstein:
[to Polidori] Geez, that guy's a real Thomas Edison.

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
12 days ago

[after the makeout scene that Ron Howard made with his teenaged-self]

Teenaged Ron Howard:
That was the most...narcissistic thing I've ever experienced.

Ron Howard:
[sobs] Oh, my god!

Teenaged Ron Howard:
What's the matter, buddy? Guilt finally sinking in?

Ron Howard:
Yeah. Repressed guilt...from my teenage years...when I was...molested...by me...just now!

Ron Howard:
You actually enjoyed it!

Teenaged Ron Howard:
Oh...my...god. You're right.

[they both sobbed]

Teenaged Ron Howard:
I'm awful!

Ron Howard:
And dirty!

[they stopped sobbing]

Ron Howard:
It feels good to finally get that all out. I've been carrying that around inside me for -- Well, for only two minutes, actually, but it feels like decades!

– Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)

added by timothyj.29104
12 days ago

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