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[Ron Howard have a talking with Teenaged Ron Howard in the dressing room] Ron Howard: You two wait out here. Young Ron Howard: But why? Albert Einstein: Yeah. This is the money shot. Ron Howard: OUT! [door slams] Ron Howard: So...hello. Teenaged Ron Howard: What's going on? [was about to take off the wig] Ron Howard: No, no. Leave it on. I mean, I'm a director. I know what a bother it is to deal with hair and makeup. Ron Howard: I won't be long. I need you. Your youth. It's all [sniffs] quite attractive. Teenaged Ron Howard: [suspicious] Uh-huh. I don't follow...I hope. Ron Howard: Oh, I think you do. Masturbating mirrors? Teenaged Ron Howard: Ohh. Wait. No. Uh. No! Don't! [Ron Howard makes out with his teenaged self of himself] Teenaged Ron Howard: I'M NOT GAY! Ron Howard: THIS IS MORE THAN GAY! [cuts to the next scene where Young Ron Howard and Albert Einstein are standing outside the dressing room in the studio hearing all the racket] Young Ron Howard: [to Einstein] What am I doing in there with me? Albert Einstein: Probably nothing. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Ron Howard: Ron! Teenaged Ron Howard: Sorry, no time for auto-- Hey! Little Ronny Howard! I thought you were all grown u-- What's going on? Young Ron Howard: Breaking the laws of physics. Ron Howard: I know. This is weird. Teenaged Ron Howard: [to Adult Ron] And you. Are we related? Ron Howard: Well, kind of. I'm you. Teenaged Ron Howard: ...Let's go talking in my dressing room. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
[Ron Howard, Albert, and his younger self of Ron travels back in time where Teenaged Ron Howard was dressed up as a girl in a high school dance scene in a movie] Ron Howard: Wow. Look at me. So young and...pretty. Young Ron Howard: Whoa! Is that me in the jacket? Ron Howard: No. The girl he's dancing with is you. I mean, me. Um, we. Young Ron Howard: I turn into a girl?! Ron Howard: No, no. We're on the "Happy Days" set. Young Ron Howard: What's "Happy Days"? Ron Howard: It's a sitcom about the '50s. Young Ron Howard: You mean I come from the present day in the '60s to the future of the '70s, and the teenaged me is pretending he's in the past of the '50s? Dressed like a girl? Ron Howard: Yes, and all that is the least crazy thing that's happening. Director: Cut! Albert Einstein: No kidding. And not even getting into the fact that the '50s never looked like this, the whole physical phenomenon of traveling -- Ron Howard: Ooh, here I come! Albert Einstein: [irritated] Boy, I can't get a word in edgewise with you. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Victor Frankenstein: Oh, where am I gonna find more of his DNA? [Polidori realizes that he's been carrying Ron Howard's sperm in a napkin the entire time] Polidori: Oh, here! Victor Frankenstein: You've been hanging on to this crud the whole time? Polidori: Don't call it crud. I've grown attached to the little fellow. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Young Ron Howard: Hi. Ron Howard: Um, hi. Young Ron Howard: Do you want my autograph or something? Ron Howard: Uh, sure. Uh, here, sign my, uh... Young Ron Howard: I can sign your baldness. Ron Howard: [sighs] Yeah, why not? Not gonna be using it much longer, anyway. Young Ron Howard: What's your name? Ron Howard: Ron -- Uh, ee -- Er, ald. Young Ron Howard: Ronnyald? Ron Howard: Ronald. Ronald. [Young Ron Howard signs Ronald on Old Ron Howard's bald head] Young Ron Howard: Oh, that's kind of like my name, only older and uglier. Ron Howard: Yeah, well I gotta live with it. Young Ron Howard: Yeah, 'cause it's on your baldness. Ron Howard: Thanks. Albert Einstein: Do we bash his head in now? Ron Howard: No, no, no, no, no, no! Albert Einstein: I really wanted to now. Young Ron Howard: Hey, what's going on? Ron Howard: Nothing. You wouldn't get it. It's, uh, it's grown up junk. Young Ron Howard: [raised eyebrow] Ron Howard: [sighs] Okay, I'm you from the future, and we were talking about killing you and putting my old brain into your little body. Young Ron Howard: NEAT! Ron Howard: No, it's not neat. You'd be dead, and that would stink. So I'm getting the teenaged me instead. See you later. Young Ron Howard: Can I come along? Ron Howard: No, you can't come along. This is none of your business. Young Ron Howard: Sure, it's my business. It might be the younger you that you're doing this to, but it's still the older me. That's my future you're toying with, buddy. Albert Einstein: [to Adult Ron] He's not so wrong. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Ron Howard: Thanks for coming along, Albert. I couldn't do the kidnapping on my own. Albert Einstein: What are you, crazy? I'm not gonna help with any kidnapping! Ron Howard: Oh, come on! Albert Einstein: No. No way, jose. Ron Howard: All we have to do is bash his head in. Albert Einstein: Alright. Ron Howard: Yay! Ohh, look at me over there. [Ron sees himself as a kid version hanging out with his father] Ron Howard: We came back too far. I can't put my brain in that. Young Ron Howard: Whoopsie! Director: Cut! Sorry. Ronny tripped a little. L-Let's take it again. Mr. Griffith: Ohh, son of a btch! You can't even walk, can you, you moron?! – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole* (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Ron Howard: Wait, so you're saying that you went back in time and interacted with a younger you? Stewart: Yeah. And don't you see? I gave myself the curse -- The curse of the werewolf. Ron Howard: Oh, that seems improbable. Albert Einstein: Actually, it's completely probable. You see, there are an infinite number of each of us -- Ron Howard: Wow! Albert Einstein: Oh, you interrupted me. Ron Howard: Albert Einstein! Ha! What are you doing here? Albert Einstein: None of your business! Mnh! Ron Howard: Whoa! Anyway this is getting good. Albert Einstein: [thinking] I hate interruptions. First I get interrupted by Nazi Germany and now this dumb-dumb. Screw him. I'll just go on with my frankenhole research instead of telling him that, according to my nifty little theory of relativity, all he has to do is -- Ron Howard: All I have to do is go back in time, find a young me, and kidnap him to... Albert Einstein: [tired] Yes, use his young body to put your current brain into. Ron Howard: Yeah. Ha! Hey, how'd you know I was gonna say that? Albert Einstein: What else would one do with someone's younger version of themselves? [thinking] God, I hate you more than anything, you ugly, bald -- [stops thinking] Can I tag along? Ron Howard: Couldn't hurt, having an Einstein along. Albert Einstein: And I'm a good one, too. Ron Howard: Aren't you coming, Lawrence? Stewart: No, I'm just gonna sit here and drink my troubles away. Albert Einstein: [whispers to Ron] That guy's a real Thomas Edison. Ron Howard: Edison? Oh, is that the term Einstein uses for "Dummy"? Albert Einstein: Mm-hmm -- Believe me, I've got a million of them. Copernicus, Hippocrates, Nostra-Dumbass. Ron Howard: [laughs] I like that last one. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Ron Howard: Why? Why me?! Stewart: Why?! Why me?! Ron Howard: Why must I live like this another day?! Stewart: Why must I live like this another day?! Ron Howard: Why doesn't my echo sound like my voice?! Stewart: Why doesn't my echo wait for me?! [Ron and Stewart look at each other while standing on different hills] Ron & Stewart: Who are you? – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Victor Frankenstein: Ah, Mr. Howard. What can I do for you? Ron Howard: I don't have fun getting off anymore. You see, I was so cute as a kid that I would just masturbate to my own reflection. It was easy. Polidori: Well, those days are surely over. Ron Howard: Yeah, and now I even strap hairy mirrors onto women while I screw them. Nothing works for me. Victor Frankenstein: [sighs] So you want me to give you hair. Ron Howard: No, no, no, no! I mean, that would be okay, but I want something else. I want...my youth back. Victor Frankenstein: Mr. Howard. Ron Howard: Cal me Ronny. Victor Frankenstein: Ronny? Trust me, you look like a "Ronald". Ron Howard: No, no. I don't like Ronald. Victor Frankenstein: Well, get used to it. You look like one. Ron Howard: No! I don't! I hate Ronald. I do not look like a Ronald. [Victor shows him a mirror] Ron Howard: Okay, so I look a little like a Ronald. [puts a cap] How about now? Heh. Ronny, right? Victor Frankenstein: [disgust] Look at you. Grasping desperately at your youth! Ron Howard: Come on. I just want to be cute again. Polidori: Yes, do us all a favor. Victor Frankenstein: Alright! We'll need some of your DNA so we can clone you for extra parts. Ron Howard: Oh, well, here. I, uh, made some sperm while I was in the frankenhole. Victor Frankenstein: Ew! Get that away from me! Polidori: My, we are Randy aren't we? Victor Frankenstein: That's so gross. Ron Howard: Gross? I thought you were a scientist? Victor Frankenstein: Yeah, but not a gay scientist. Polidori: Ugh! Fine! I'll take it. Victor Frankenstein: This is how we get DNA around here -- The manly way. [pulls out a toothbrush] Ron Howard: That doesn't seem so manly to me -- [Victor aggressively brushes Ron Howard's mouth to get DNA] Ron Howard: STOP IT! CUT IT OUT! Victor Frankenstein: Give me three weeks for the cloning. Ron Howard: Three weeks? Three weeks?! Are you mad?! I can't wait three weeks! I can't live like this anymore, I tell ya! You don't know what it's like to live with this curse! Ohh, why can't you understand? [leaves] Polidori: [to Victor] Remind you of anyone? – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
[Victor finally managed to make an appointment for Mother Teresa's abortion] Mother Teresa: What is it? Victor Frankenstein: It's alive. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Polidori: Yes? Ron Howard: Uh, Ron Howard for Vic -- Polidori: [interrupts] Follow me... Ron Howard: --tor Frankenstein. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
[Ron Howard have sex with a woman] Ron Howard: Who are you? Jasmine: Uh, I'm Ron. Ron Howard: Uh-huh. Jasmine: Ron Howard. Ron Howard: Good... Jasmine: Child star...full head... Ron Howard: Uh-huh. Jasmine: ...of hair. Ron Howard: Oh, yeah. Jasmine: Squeaky-clean image. Ron Howard: Say it again, make me believe you! Jasmine: Ron -- Child -- Ron Howard: Uh-huh. Jasmine: Hair -- Squeak -- Ron Howard: No. No. Cut. Jasmine: Huh? Ron Howard: I mean, "Stop". Stop having sex with me. Jasmine: Oh. Okay. Ron Howard: Ugh, it's not working. Tom Hanks: Of course it's not working. Ron Howard: Tom! Hi! Uh, I was just auditioning, uh, Jasmine here for a - Tom Hanks: Oh, come on, Ron. A mirror on this hooker's face? That kind of stuff never works. No matter how hard you try, it ain't gonna be you, kid. I know. I went through the same thing. [gives Ron a card] Ron Howard: [reads] "Frankenstein's Mad Operations LTD."? Tom Hanks: There's a map of the nearest frankenhole on the back of the card. Go to Frankenstein and ask him to make you a clone that you can screw whenever you want! Ron Howard: Oh, I-I don't think I want that. Tom Hanks: Ron, guys like us need an outlet for our perversion, or else our true grossness starts showing up underneath these wholesome personas of ours. Then how are we ever gonna play nice guys with aids or retarded hicks? Ron Howard: But, Tom, I just want to be young again. Can he do that? Tom Hanks: Well, he can do this -- Tommy? Tommy: Yes, Daddy? Ron Howard: Hey, that's you from "Bosom Buddies"! Yeah, he can probably handle making me young again. [leaves] Tom Hanks: [to Jasmine] Okay, lower the mirror, sweetheart. [zipper unzips] Whoops! – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
Astronaut: Alright, this is it. A little shaking, a little noise, and we're hauling our butts to green cheese. Voice Announcer: T-Minus 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 9... Astronaut: 9? Voice Announcer: ...8...oh, no. Sorry. Uh, 10, 9... [then the sky in the background shuts off which turns out to be a greenscreen as it reveals to be a scene in a movie as an act] Tom Hanks: W-What, are you purposely sabotaging this rehearsal? Uh, y-y-y-you can't even count backwards, can you, you moron?! Voice Announcer: Oh, sorry, Mr. Hanks. Uh, should I skip to 1? Tom Hanks: Uh, forget it. Screw you! Where the hell is Ron? We need to shoot this. Now! Voice Announcer: Well, he's in his dressing room on an important call. Tom Hanks: Important? I'm important! I'M TOM EVER-LOVIN' HANKS! Voice Announcer: Sorry. He's in Trailer 9. Uh, I mean 10. Sorry. Sorry. Heh. Damn it. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 12 days ago
[after Thomas Jefferson learns about black history song] Thomas Jefferson: Brilliant! So I don't need a big, black penis or any of your body parts after all. Bill Cosby: That's right. Ike Turner: You got it. Thomas Jefferson: Great! Well, I guess Dr. Frankenstein can just return them all to their original -- Victor Frankenstein: [nodding his head meaning "no"] Thomas Jefferson: Oh. Um...anyway...back to 1776. I've got some not-caring to do. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
[after kidnapping many famous black people, Victor then make Thomas Jefferson into the world's most blackest creature in all history] Polidori: I give you the Brother of Frankenstein. Thomas Jefferson: Oh, boy! The hands of O.J., the heart of Frederick Douglass! [deeply] The voice of Barry White. [normal voice] I can't fail! Barack Obama: Look, I-I-I really think you're going down the wrong road here. Thomas Jefferson: Oh, what do you know, half-black? Ike Turner: Mr. Obama's right. Barack Obama: Oh, great. One guy agrees with me and it has to be Ike Turner. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
[Thomas Jefferson tries to attract the black slave woman with his black penis] Thomas Jefferson: [to the black slave woman] Good evening. [transitions to the next scene at Victor's lair] Thomas Jefferson: I'm telling you, this thing is a dud. They still act like they're not into it. Barack Obama: Mr. Jefferson, perhaps it isn't the penis. Perhaps you need additional black attributes to compliment the penis. Thomas Jefferson: Yeah, like two penises. Barack Obama: No. Look, race is more than just a penis or two. Thomas Jefferson: Three penises. Barack Obama: No. Get pass the penises. Victor Frankenstein: I think I know what President Obama is saying. We need to dissect different specific feature from several black men and make you into a black equivalent of my multi-cadavered creature! Thomas Jefferson: Four penises! Barack Obama: Wait, maybe if you tried a little respect and -- Victor Frankenstein: Ygor, follow me! We have some inter-chronological KIDNAPPING TO DO! Ygor: [laughing] You got it! – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
Thomas Jefferson: [singing] Oh, zip-a-dee-doo and diddly-doc, I got a hot, hot date and new black -- [cuts to the next scene] Rooster: PENIS AND DOODLE-DOO! – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
[after Thomas Jefferson's penis switch was success] Victor Frankenstein: It's moving. It's moving! It's alive! ALIVE! Polidori: Must you always do that? Victor Frankenstein: Yeah, but it's funny this time because it's his pee-pee. Polidori: [chuckles] – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
Thomas Jefferson: Okay, let's see Wilt's stilt. [as Victor checks Wilt's stilt, they were surprised] Barack Obama: Who could know? He's got such big feet. Victor Frankenstein: I TOLD YOU GUYS. Wilt Chamberlain: Sorry about this, everybody. [Thomas takes off one of Wilt's shoes and sees crumbled-up paper on his small feet pretending to make his feet big] Thomas Jefferson: You should be ashamed, sir! Wilt Chamberlain: You guys should try Gary Coleman. Believe me. [magically hand gestures "Big Penis"] Thomas Jefferson: Coleman? I'm on it! [cuts to the next scene where Thomas does the surgery with cloning Gary Coleman's penis to Thomas Jefferson's penis] Thomas Jefferson: Thanks for the penis. Gary Coleman: What you implyin'? [applause sign intensifies] – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
Howard Cosell: Wilt Chamberlain. This impressive specimen has once again thrust his athletic prowess into the wet, warm walls of victory. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
[Victor and the crew go back in time to see Wilt Chamberlain] Thomas Jefferson: Ho ho! I'm like a kid in a candy store! Polidori: Keep it in your pants. Thomas Jefferson: How can I keep it in my pants when it's not even in my pants yet? Ha ha! – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
Thomas Jefferson: Let's go get Wilt Chamberlain. I've been reading about him. I think he's perfect. Victor Frankenstein: Yes, let's go to the L.A. forum in 1973 and catch us this...basketeer. Barack Obama: Wilt Chamberlain?! – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
Victor Frankenstein: Mr. Jefferson, may I introduce Barack -- Thomas Jefferson: [to Barack] Hey! It looks like you're out of a job. [chuckles] My poop went away all by itself. Carried it out of the house. Whoosh! Victor Frankenstein: Mr. Jefferson, may I introduce your country's 44th president. Thomas Jefferson: [to the bodyguard] Well, what an honor -- Barack Obama: Right here, sir. Thomas Jefferson: ...President? Barack Obama: Yes. Thomas Jefferson: ...of the United States? Barack Obama: Yes. Thomas Jefferson: ...of America? Barack Obama: Yes. Thomas Jefferson: [pauses for a couple seconds] ...on Earth? Barack Obama: Yes. Look, I agreed to see you as soon as I learned of your problem. Thomas Jefferson: Oh, yes, of course. Well, I'm glad you -- Barack Obama: I can help you finish the constitution. Thomas Jefferson: The what's-to-who-tion? Barack Obama: The Constitution, sir. Don't worry. I've got it committed to memory. [Thomas looks at Ygor disappointedly] Thomas Jefferson: [to Barack] Oh, yes, of course. Um...let's see. I was stuck on the opening. Um..."We the blah-dee-blahs"... Barack Obama: "People", sir. "We The People". Thomas Jefferson: Ah, yes. Perfect. Nicely done. Thanks. [Thomas suddenly gets quiet] Barack Obama: Well, if that's all, I guess you'll be on your way, then. Thomas Jefferson: Yes. Goodbye! Victor Frankenstein: [coughs] Penis. Thomas Jefferson: Oh, actually, there is one more little thing. Barack Obama: Yes, sir? Thomas Jefferson: I, um...need your...um... Victor Frankenstein: Mr. Jefferson needs to graft your penis onto his body so he can better satisfy the black women on his plantation. Barack Obama: Your...slaves, you mean. Thomas Jefferson: Semantics. Barack Obama: Hmm. Okay, I'll do it. Thomas Jefferson: You will? Barack Obama: Yes. See, you're a founding father. All sides must come together and set aside their differences if we're ever gonna get anything done. For at this pivotal stage in american history -- Thomas Jefferson: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you big and black? Barack Obama: Well, no one's ever complained about my size. But I must use full disclosure. My mother was white. Thomas Jefferson: Well, that makes perfect sense. Your mother was white. I -- [gasps] YOUR MOTHER WAS WHITE?! How did that happen? Barack Obama: It was consensual, sir. – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago
[after Thomas Jefferson got done using Barack Obama's bathroom] Thomas Jefferson: That was -- I mean, it just -- It just swirled away! Bloop! Gone! No fuss, no muss, no calling for the poop slave. Bloop! – Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010)	added by timothyj.29104 13 days ago

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In which cartoon does this quote appear: "Rule number three, I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it!"?

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