Red vs. Blue, Season 3

Tucker:
Uuuuugghhh...

Donut:
Come on mister Blue guy, you gotta wake up, wake up!

Tucker:
It hurts...just let me die.

Donut:
You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

[Camera goes to a view where Tex is talking to Sheila behind Donut]

Tex:
I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.

[Camera goes back to Donut]

Donut:
You see? Boring stuff, like oppression and a hostile work environment!

Tucker:
Get Doc, I need Doc.

Donut:
I can't, he got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped! He's the one who shot you, don't you remember?

Tucker:
I know, I want him to shoot me again.

Donut:
Now, now, now. Sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's. If you were gonna die, you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize you're gonna to have to live with intense pain.

Tucker:
Get that Sarge guy. Have him make me a new body.

Donut:
Ugh, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke, and Sarge left with the others to go chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch 'em.

[Camera goes to Simmons in Chiron TL34]

Simmons:
Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? Just great, I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.

[Simmons turns on radio]

Simmons:
Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters which should take me anywhere in the universe...or it's the janitors closet. Hell, I don't fuckin' know. Sarge!? Are you there? Sarge!?

[Upon arriving in Battle Creek]

Sarge:
Hello? Anyone? Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. Clicks off radio Well, I don't think the others are coming. We must have gotten separated somehow.

Caboose:
My toes, are getting pruney.

Sarge:
Ooookay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley?

Caboose:
I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates!

Sarge:
Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left… and the carpet… and the drapes… and I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if y'know what I mean.

[Caboose rounds the corner to see a blue man laying on the ground]

Caboose:
Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!

Sarge:
What? Holy Macaroon... [Sarge runs over to inspect the blue] He's not sleeping son, he's dead.

Caboose:
Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.

Sarge:
No doubt he was killed by our very enemy. Once again, I find my-self torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the universe, but now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do, No sir. [Sarge turns to the dead blue] Rest in piece...scumbag.

[Caboose rounds the next corner to find a small area with bullet holes in the walls, blood on the ground and walls and many reds and blues lying on the ground]

Caboose:
Look, more sleeping people. It must be nap time! But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!

Sarge:
What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. [Calls out] Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors? Preferably any RED survivors. Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue! I won't step on your neck or anything like that.

Caboose:
Am I allowed to answer?

Sarge:
Shhh, quiet. You hear that?

[Trumpet starts playing in the background, getting steadily louder playing 'Reveille']

Caboose:
Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy.

Sarge:
I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.

Caboose:
I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason... Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together!

Sarge:
Wait a minute! I know that song! That's Reveille! But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of-

[At this point all the supposedly dead red's and blue's jump up cheering and yelling]

Sarge:
Sweet jibbling jibblets!!

Caboose:
Running time!

[The numerous soldiers run past Sarge and Caboose, running into their respective bases chanting 'hup, hup, hup', etc.]

Sarge:
What just happened here?"

Caboose:
I think all the sleeping people were trying t-

Sarge:
That was rhetorical.

[Sarge runs over to a window through which you can hear unintelligible cheers]

Sarge:
Get over here, gimmie a boost.

Caboose:
Okay...[Walks over to Sarge] You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.

Sarge:
Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.

Caboose:
That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.

Sarge:
I know... I need you to help me look through it.

Caboose:
I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, and that window is square.

Sarge:
C'mere you...

[Sarge boosts Caboose to look through a window]

Caboose:
Whoa!

Sarge:
What do you see?

Caboose:
I see... a room.

Sarge:
And? What's in the room?

Caboose:
There are some walls, and some ceilings... wait! Just one ceiling.

Sarge:
What's making all that racket?

Blue Soldiers:
Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds!

Caboose:
You are not going to like it.

[Camera goes back to both Sarge and Caboose]

Sarge:
Caboose, I have a veery bad feeling ab-[Sarge notices the trumpet playing again]...What's that?

[Blues come running out of their base, firing weapons madly in all directions]

Blue Soldiers:
Chaaarge! Chaaaarge! Yeaaaah! Woo-hoo!

[Red Soldiers run out of their base, also firing their weapons madly in all directions screamin taunts]

Sarge:
Come on Caboose! We got to get to higher ground!

Blue Soldier:
Yeah, I love reloading, I love to reload!

[Red Soldier pops up and hits him in the back of the head]

Blue Soldier:
Oh! Back of the head! Tell my girlfriend that I love her...

Red Soldier:
She's my girlfriend now bitch!

Sarge:
Come on Caboose! [Sarge and Caboose climb a ladder to a cliff above]

[From their new vantage point, Caboose and Sarge view the scene below them:
Multiple reds and blues shooting non-stop at each other]

Various Soldiers:
Yeah, get some! You want some!?

Caboose:
Sarge, I am scared of our new friends.

Sarge:
Ah, sonny-bo-no, what's going on here?

[Trumpet plays once and a Red carrying a blue flag runs out of the blue base]

Red Zealot:
Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! [everyone stops shooting and looks at him]

Random Soldier:
You all look alike to me!

Red Zealot:
Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!

Red Soldier:
It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!

Red Zealot:
I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a god!

[Four Blue soldiers run in and kill him]

Red Zealot:
I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!

[The Reds and Blues look between the dead Zealot and each other a few times and continue to shoot at each other]

[A red soldier runs up behind a blue and kills him]

Red Soldier:
Oh yeah! Oh no!

[The soldier gets killed by a sniper shot to the head]

Blue Sniper:
Head shot! [The sniper gets hit by a rocket] Oh! You rocket whore!

Blue Soldier:
Yeah! You want some!? I got some for you! How 'bout you?

Red Soldier:
The only good blue is a dead blue!

Red Soldier:
Christ, this water's cold!

Red and Blue Soldiers Alternating, while shooting over a rock at each other:
Hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, YO!

[The Blue soldier gets hit by a rocket]

Red Soldier:
Weak! You took my kill!

Rocket Red Soldier:
I didn't see your name on it!

[As the Rocket Soldier runs past a rock, he gets shot and killed by a blue hiding behind the rock]

Rocket Soldier:
Oh, you fucking camping bitch!

Blue Camper:
It's a legitimate strategy!

[The blue runs away, and when he runs out from behind a rock, he almost gets hit by a sniper shot]

Blue Camper:
Whoa!

Red Sniper:
Damn! Hey Blue, we're the only two left, let's work together!

Blue Camper:
What do you mean?

Red Sniper:
I'm coming out!

Blue Camper:
Okay, I'm coming out too!

[The two meet in the middle of the creek]

Blue Camper:
What did you mean we could work as a team?

[The Red Sniper smashes his rifle into the Blue Camper's head, killing him]

Red Sniper:
I bash you in the head with my rifle, and you die! Good teamwork, you fucking noob! Good game! Good game everybody, GG man, GG! [The Sniper dies with no cause] Blah!

Sarge:
I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.

Caboose:
I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church can handle this, he can handle anything!

[Camera shifts to a new map, Sidewinder]

Church:
Hey, asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUT OF THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!!!

Grif:
Yeah, let him out! He's driving me nuts!

Church:
Oh shut up red, nobody asked you!

Grif:
I should have never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan...

Sarge:
Caboose, we have to break this neverending cycle of attack-and-retaliation either by a) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or b) by getting ourselves completely involved and kicking some serious ass! I vote b.

Caboose:
I have a plan, Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen, [runs up to Sarge and whispers] whisper whisper whisper Do you think that will work?

Sarge:
That's your plan? All you said was 'whisper whisper whisper'.

Caboose:
I know, I just want to be the one with the plan for once.

[Sarge and Caboose's negotiation fails and the grunts continue to kill each other]

Sarge:
Caboose, I give up...

Caboose:
Wait! I can make them listen. I can beat them!

Sarge:
Son, What are you talkin' about?

Caboose:
O'Malley taught me how to be mean! I just have to (grunting) concentrate, on, bad, things, like milk! No, wait, red... Red Bull!

Sarge:
Son, I think you may have lost it. O'Malley is not inside your head anymore! He infected the Doc!

Caboose:
No, I can feel him! I just need to get angry and say, mean, things, like Your, brain, is, a mountain, of hatred!

Sarge:
I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually miss Grif...But here it is.

Caboose:
Now, I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, cov-ered in spikes! That makes, me, angry!

[Caboose lets out a primal scream as he leaps down among Battle Creek players]

Caboose:
Yearh!

[He lands]

Caboose:
My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I hate babies!

Red Zealot:
It's the beast! The anti-flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh! [gets killed by "Evil Caboose"] Dyhurg!

Blue Soldier:
[killed] Yikes!

Red Soldier:
[killed] Yowzaa!

Red, Blue, Red Soldiers:
[they are standing in a row, Caboose mows them dow with sniper rifle] Ow! Wee! Wow!

Caboose:
I will eat your unhappiness!

Caboose:
Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.

Sarge:
Aww shut up Caboose!

[Simmons has saved Sarge and Caboose from Battle Creek]

Caboose:
What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten, and then we were in this janitor's closet, and my throat hurts, a lot.

Simmons:
What was that weird place Sarge?

Sarge:
Simmons, I have absolutely no idea.

[The Battle Creek teams confront each other]

Red Grunt:
Well, I guess it's back to basics now! Get ready for destruction, Blues! We're gonna kick your ass! We have become death, destroyer of wo— Oh wait, hold on. I gotta take out the trash; I'll be right back.

[O'Malley calls Vic and encounters his answering service]

O'Malley:
Vic, pick up, it's me, [evil laughter].

Vic:
Oh hey, Doctor Baron von Evil Satan. What's up, dude?

O'Malley:
Don't screen my calls, Vic.

Vic:
Dude, if you don't come up on Caller ID I'm not just gonna answer anything—

O'Malley:
Caller ID? I'm in hiding, you buffoon! I'm trying to take over the Universe! [evil laughter]

Doc:
We're also on the "Do Not Call" list.

O'Malley:
Oh, Shut up!

Tex:
Keeping secrets? I find that attractive

Tucker:
You do?

Tex:
In attractive people, yeah

Tex:
everybody in the division was paired with an AI and codenamed for a state

Donut:
what was your code name Tex?

Tex:
Nevada

Tucker:
One for each state? So there's fifty of you.

Tex:
Forty-nine. Remember?

Tucker:
Ooh, yeah. That's right. Man, poor Florida. (Tex, Donut, and Tucker all stare at the ground and take a moment of silence) Sigh...

Tucker:
OK , Anyway.

Church:
There's no "I" in team, Grif.

Grif:
Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the god-damn team. The team sucks!

Sarge:
Don't worry Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! YAAA! [jumps through the teleporter and reappears a short distance away] AAAA-huh?

Simmons:
Uh sir, the teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.

Sarge:
Oh. Watch out evildoers! Here we come to save the- oh forget it, lets just go.

Grif:
(singing) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus.

Sheila:
Good luck everyone. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

Tucker:
Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.

Donut:
Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

Sheila:
Don't forget to wash your exhaust pipe every day.

Grif:
What can I do Sarge?

Sarge:
I need you to run right at O'Malley.

Grif:
And shank him with my shiv?

Sarge:
No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

Grif:
You're kidding?

Sarge:
It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.

O'Malley:
(Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!

Doc:
(Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.

Grif:
This is it!

Simmons:
Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)

Blue Solders:
ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!

All the Zealot Solders:
YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!

Simmons:
Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)

Red Zealot:
(Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)

O'Malley:
NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!

Simmons:
We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.

Sarge:
Right.

Church:
(Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)

Sarge:
Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)

Church:
Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)

Sarge:
OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!

Simmons:
Can you do it manually?

Sarge:
Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Grif:
Why?

Sarge:
In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Simmons:
Nice thinking Sir.

Grif:
You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?

Zealot Solders:
("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!

O'Malley:
NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Zealot Solder:
Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!

O'Malley:
I'M BEING VIOLATED!!

Tucker:
Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.

Church:
Hey, what the hell?!

Simmons:
There's only twenty seconds left!

Tucker:
If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

Church:
But the rocket will kill me!

Simmons:
TEN SECONDS!

Grif:
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!

Church:
Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.

Simmons:
FIVE SECONDS!

Tucker:
Sorry Church.

Church:
Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)

Tucker:
WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)

Wyoming:
Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.

Simmons:
Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Tucker:
Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)

Church:
What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)

Caboose:
I don't want to be dead. I want to be alive. Or a cowboy.

Tucker:
What's going on? Who are you people?

Donut:
He has amnesia! Tucker! Don't worry. You are safe. We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.

Caboose:
Tucker! Tucker! I am so glad you are alive.

Tucker:
Caboose? Still so dumb, but you look so different.

Caboose:
We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

Tucker:
The future? Oh, I can't fucking wait to hear this one.

Sarge:
I represent the past, where stuff cost less and people knew the value of a hard days work, but they only lived to be 28 years old.

Simmons:
I represent the future where we have no morals and no emotions, but we have a lot of kick-ass gadgets.

Grif:
And I'm the present which sucks. We have nothing cool and also no morals.

Sarge:
Ah, quit yer bitching. I have atrocities and a crapload of wars which seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.

Simmons:
Yeah, and I have apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have! ...Sorry sir, that "dipshits" was in character.

Sarge:
Oh. Well, bravo Simmons.

Tucker:
Destroyed the present? Then where are we?

Simmons:
We're in the future numbnuts.

Tucker:
Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?

Simmons:
Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.

Simmons:
The bomb attached to Church sent us into the future. Good thing he was facing forward at the time.

Tucker:
Of course he was facing forward, what other way do people face?

Tucker:
Don't you see? If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!

Sarge:
Back in to what? A wall? A broom closet?

Grif:
A big rock?

Caboose:
Another big rock!

Church:
(after being hurled into a Marathon game from 1995) What the Hell! Where the Hell am I?!

Grif:
They destroyed it all Simmons, those damn stupid bastards, they blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to hell! Those damn dirty apes!!!

Simmons:
Calm down Grif, we don't know that the whole world is like this.

Grif:
Yes it is, they destroyed it all. I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive.

Simmons:
Hey how about this, how about we explore more than 2 square miles before we jump to any conclusions?

Grif:
It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages that caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab!

Simmons:
Oh come on!

Grif:
Then that caused a human plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead 12 hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh!

Simmons:
WHAT???

Grif:
A handful of witty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits and an inexplicable comphrehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good. And that's when the meteor hit!

Simmons:
I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

Tucker:
Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse. They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away and that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior it was gas, and in Waterworld it was land.

Simmons:
What went away in The Matrix?

Tucker:
Sunlight.

Grif:
I thought the missing element was plot.

Tucker:
I'm talking about Matrix 1.

Simmons:
Oh, right.

Grif:
Face it Simmons, the age of Man is done.

Simmons:
But if all that happened, where are the zombies? Why aren't they still around?

Grif:
The meteor killed them!!!

Simmons:
And what about the super bacteria?

Grif:
It was infected by alien bacteria that was on the meteor and was wiped out in a massive bacteria-on-bacteria plague! Very ironic...

Simmons:
Ok then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?

Grif:
It only infects other bacteria! Are you even listening to me!?!

Tucker:
Do you guys ever get anything done? Or do you just stand around and talk all day?

Grif:
We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

[Caboose and Donut show off the jeep after Grif and Simmons were arguing]

Caboose:
[proudly] Look what I found!

Donut:
I found it!

Caboose:
[still proudly] Look at what I took credit for finding!

Donut:
Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny? Ooh, ooh and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?

Sarge:
Don't touch anything Donut!

Simmons:
No, I don't think that getting new rims for the jeep is a good idea.

Grif:
Oh, come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kick-ass subs, hydraulics!

Tucker:
I'm in.

Simmons:
Why?

Grif:
Uh, for style.

Tucker:
For chicks!

Simmons:
What chicks? There's no one for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive!

Grif:
What, suddenly you're a pessimist?

Tucker:
Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on earth for them.

Grif:
He's right.

Tucker:
All my life, I've had girls tell me 'Not if you were the last man on earth!' [Laughs] Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on earth with a sweet-ass pimped-out ride, bitch!

Sarge:
If you ladies are through gossiping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle!

Grif:
Oh, yeah, right. Here, let me try. [Starts car]

Sarge:
Wait!

[Donut, under the jeep, screams]

Sarge:
Donut, are you okay?

Donut:
[sobbing] I was just… petting… the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can… and part of my hand went with it!

Tucker:
Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.

Sarge:
Donut, I told you not to touch anything! You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

Tucker:
What's the rush of getting this thing fixed anyway?

Sarge:
Listen, dirtbag. I know on blue team, you like to lollygag a beer-

Tucker:
There is no blue team. It's all a lie. Red and blue are the same.

Grif:
Oh, don't start that crap again.

Simmons:
You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. [sarcastically] The government put a chip in my brain!

Grif:
[also sarcastically] The president can hear my thoughts!

Donut:
[sarcastically, while also in great pain] We never landed on the sun!

Grif:
[sarcastic gasp] They put fluoride in my water!

Simmons:
Actually, that one's true.

Grif:
It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

Tucker:
But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. Cept' get L.A.I.D.

Simmons:
...

Grif:
...

Tucker:
Laid.

Grif:
Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.

Doc:
Hey, we should start a neighborhood association. It's just like a government, but run by housewives and old people. So it's a lot more efficient at controlling your lives.

O'Malley:
Shut up. Get out of my head!

Doc:
Technically it's my head. But I don't mind sharing. Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?

O'Malley:
Shut up!

Sarge:
Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?

Simmons:
Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.

Sarge:
Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?

Grif:
Yeah...it's like this...

Sarge:
Grif, I just built that jeep. I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

Grif:
Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.

Sarge:
Grif!

Simmons:
No no no, it's not destroyed Sarge. The engine just quit.

Sarge:
And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?

Grif:
Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.

Sarge:
What was the jeep doing in a ditch?

Grif:
Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's reenacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever. [Sarge moans in exasperation.] Simmons was driving.

Simmons:
No I wasn't! I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!

[The three of them check out the Warthog.]

Sarge:
Wait a second, this thing isn't busted. It's just outta gas.

Grif:
It runs on gas?

Sarge:
Of course not, moron. Where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.

Simmons:
So then why is it dead, sir?

Sarge:
You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

Grif:
Well, I can tell you what we weren't doing...

Sarge:
Ah, forget it.

Tex:
What took you guys so long to get here?

Simmons:
There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.

Donut:
(excitedly) It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-

Grif:
(sighing) Please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

[Tex is explaining O'Malley's fortress on the beach]

Tex:
He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

Caboose:
Oh! I like them! They were funny.

Tucker:
Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.

Caboose:
I try not to remember the bad things about people.

Tucker:
That's all they tried to do! There were no good things!

Caboose:
That's okay, I have a really bad memory- WOW! LOOK, A BEACH!

Sarge:
Shut up, Caboose.

Tex:
I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.

Tucker:
You scouted it.

Tex:
Yeah.

Tucker:
If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?

Tex:
(hesitantly) ...I can't carry it.

Grif:
What?

Simmons:
What was that?

Tex:
It's too heavy, okay?! You happy?!

Grif:
Yeah, kinda.

Tex:
I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.

Grif:
See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call? [Tex stares daggers at Grif.] Please don't kill me.

Sarge:
Ah; go ahead and kill him, we can use his armor for spare parts. Here, this thing dosen't look so heavy. Look at the... (tries to lift the bomb) Whoa! That thing's not moving!

Caboose:
I can carry it.

Tex:
I guarantee you'll need two people.

Tucker:
No, it's true, he has crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

Caboose:
(picks up bomb) See.

Sarge:
Great Paul Bunyan! He's like an ox!

Caboose:
But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

Grif:
Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it an... ah! (Caboose drops the bomb in Grif's hands and Grif falls to the ground) (Grif hands the bomb back to Caboose) Here you go, you can carry it.

Tucker:
She'll do anything for money.

Tex:
That's not true.

Tucker:
It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.

Tex:
(eagerly) Which one's Grif?

Tucker:
See? She's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come and help us.

Grif:
(motioning towards Simmons and whispering) He's Grif.

Tucker:
Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favor. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?

Tex:
That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.

Simmons:
Okay, we'll do it.

Grif:
Wait just a second. What would we have to do?

Tex:
It all depends.

Grif:
Depends on what.

Tex:
On...what I need...to do some future job.

Grif:
But, it could be anything.

Tex:
That's right, anything.

Grif:
.........Like gay stuff?

Tex:
...I have no idea.

Grif:
...Well, can we rule out the gay stuff?

Donut:
Hey, how come I never get to help?

Sarge:
OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.

Tucker:
Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.

Sarge:
That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

Simmons:
Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?

Sarge:
Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

Tucker:
How are you going to know if it’s not working?

Sarge:
If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.

Caboose:
I think that’s a good plan.

Grif:
Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

Sarge:
Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

[shows windmill rotating upward with Grif’s body on it]

Grif:
Blaaargh!.

Sarge:
I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.

[everyone stares at him silently]

Sarge:
Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.

[Tucker spots a sniper rilfe]

Tucker:
Ooh! A sniper rifle!

Tex:
I got it! [Picks it up]

Tucker:
Fuck.

Tucker:
You know what? I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.

Grif:
It's okay. We hate you too, man.

Simmons:
(on radio) Copy that Sarge.

Sarge:
You and the two bullet magnets go up to the right side and cause some kind of distraction.

Simmons:
Any suggestions?

Sarge:
As long as it draws attention away from us and towards you I-don't-care. (Donut walks behind Sarge)

Donut:
(on radio) Try some dance moves-Oh-you could do a musical number!

Sarge:
Get off the radio Donut!

Tucker:
Why do I have to go up against a machine gun and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

Simmons:
The guy we’re seeking has a rocket launcher.

Tucker:
Ohh, right. Have fun doing that

Simmons:
Okay, Grif, we just need to jump through here.

Grif:
Okay, go for it.

Simmons:
Me? Why me first?

Grif:
Because, I don't wanna die?

Simmons:
But this thing's moving super slow. See?

Grif:
Nice knowing you, Simmons.

[Church meets the computer in the past]

Computer:
HELLO. YOU ARE EARLY. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR ANOTHER 1,856 YEARS.

Church:
What is this place?

Computer:
THIS IS THE HOUSING FACILITY FOR THE GREAT WEAPON. I AM THE KEEPER OF THE GREAT WEAPON. YOU ARE THE GREAT DESTROYER. YOU WILL DEMOLISH THIS FACILITY, KILL ME, STEAL THE GREAT WEAPON, AND BRING ABOUT THE GREAT DOOM FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE. ...WELCOME! HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?

Church:
What're you talking about?

Computer:
YOUR COMING HAS BEEN FORETOLD BY THE GREAT PROPHECY.

Church:
Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

[Tucker shows off his new weapon to Donut.]

Donut:
And you found that in a hole?

Tucker:
Yeah, dude. I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.

Donut:
You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.

Tucker:
Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.

Donut:
Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!

Tucker:
Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

Captain Flowers:
I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Pacivity. Indifference. Oh, an those red guys too.

Captain Flowers:
[proudly] Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

Church:
Uh… thank God for the chain of command?

Sheila:
Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Donut:
Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

Future Church:
OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

Grif:
That chick with black armor is back.

Donut:
What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

Future Church:
God damn it!

Simmons:
That's the one.

Donut:
Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

Future Church:
FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Tucker:
Man, that girl has a really good arm.

Tex:
[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Future Church:
Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

Church:
DIOS MIO NO!!

Church:
Um, maybe somebody should say something.

Tucker:
Okay, go ahead.

Church:
Not me jackass. I'm not going to eulogize myself.

Tucker:
What, why not? I eulogize myself all the time. Wait. (pause) I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Caboose:
Wait, I know how to do this! Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end!

Church:
[Church runs into several other Church's who have failed to change the sequence of events leading to episode 49] What the hell is all of this?

Church 2:
Dear God in heaven.

Church 3:
Oh here he is, late again.

Church:
Who are you guys?

Church 3:
We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and being blown back to the computer terminal. Than we teleport here to try again.

Church 2:
I know that man, you told me last time!

Church 3:
I'm not talking to you I'm talking to the new you.

Church 2:
Oh right, sorry I'm still getting used to all this.

Church 4:
Dumbass,

Church 2:
Hey shut up.

Church:
How did all you guys screw up?

Church 4:
Well when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I try to explain the situation to everybody and oddly Caboose was the only one who understood it right away. Anyway by the time I got finished answering questions the bomb went off and I went back in time.

Church 5:
Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder and thought if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker I could fix everything. But I shoot Wyoming then Tucker shot me, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.

Church 2:
Then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.

Church:
Why'd you do that?

Church 2:
Well... I don't know, it seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for awhile.

Church:
Well then what did you do?

Yellow Armored Church:
Dude don't ask, trust me it... it didn't work.

Church 4:
So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss we did and to see if we can collectively figure out a better plan beforehand.

Church 2:
You said beforehand twice.

Church:
Well in that case what I was thinking about doing was-

All Churches:
That won't work.

Church 3:
So what did you do?

Yellow Armored Church:
Aw man, it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Church:
What can I say, dipshit. For better or worse, I'm back.

Church:
I learned a very valuable lesson on my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...

Caboose:
They could be worse?

Church:
Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

Caboose:
Where have you been?

Church:
You want the long version or the short version?

Caboose:
I will take the easy version please.

Tucker:
I want to hear the long version but can I hear it in 3 parts?

Caboose:
Time... line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round!

(After hearing a Distress signal from the radio that Simmons gets credit for)

Simmons:
I just think it's important to receive credit for working while some people are in the back seat monkeying about.

Grif:
Okay, first of all, monkeying 'about'? Second, I don't think sitting in the jeep and listening to the radio counts as working, and thirdly, monkeying 'about'?

Grif:
Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.

Sarge:
That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!

Donut:
And that's how I saved Christmas.

Caboose:
I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!

Tucker:
Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.

Church (to Tucker):
What's your first name?

Tucker:
Lavernius.

Church:
Lavernius? Well then, who is this Andy g… wait a second… Are you black?

Tucker:
Me?

Church:
Yeah.

Tucker:
Does it matter?

Church:
No, just curious.

Tucker:
Well, if it doesn't matter, why are you curious?

Church:
I dunno; I guess it's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.

Tucker:
You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

Caboose:
Say something Andy, you are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Tex:
Caboose I think you're losing it.

Tucker:
Also I wouldn't really call us friends more like acquaintances or people who work with other people they hate.

Church:
Andy's the bomb?

Caboose:
Uh... Andy prefers the term "Explosive American"

[Caboose tries to calm Andy down]

Caboose:
Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—

Tex and Tucker:
No!

Church:
[at the same time] Duck!

Simmons:
You may be the dumbest person I've ever met.

Grif:
And I think you're just covering your ass.

Donut:
Hey, Sarge...

Simmons:
What?! I'm not covering my ass! You're the one covering yours!

Grif:
No way.

Sarge:
Stop arguing you two! Simmons isn't covering his ass and Grif certainly isn't covering his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, what do you want?

Donut:
Uh.... Is that a trick question?

Caboose:
You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

Tex:
Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.

Church:
Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

Gary:
Hey, Andy, knock knock.

Andy:
Who's there.

Gary:
Inner peace and serenity.

Andy:
I already heard that one.

[O'Malley is annoyed at the slow speed of the robots]

O'Malley:
This isn't what I asked for.

Lopez:
Dices des qué quieras esta día de victoria.

Caption:
You said you wanted a day of victory.

Lopez:
A este velocidad, va pasar veinticuatro horas para ganar.

Caption:
At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.

Andy:
Sounds like you're patronizing me.

Tex:
No, it's me. I'm a bitch.

Church:
Heh, keep talking.

Tex:
And I need to stay calm all of the time.

Church:
Or what happens?

Tex:
Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.

Church:
I see your point.

Caboose:
Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.

Tucker:
Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!

Caboose:
That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

Sarge:
Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

Grif:
... We're in battle?

Sarge:
Course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Donut!

Donut:
Yes sir!

Sarge:
Scream like a woman!

Donut:
Caaaaan do. AHHHHHHHHH!

[Donut continues to scream in background while running around]

Sarge:
Grif!

Grif:
What?

Sarge:
Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

Grif:
I don't think I've been trained on that.

Sarge:
Simmons, kiss ass at will.

Simmons:
You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man, sir!

Sarge:
Excellent work Simmons! Incoming!

[Both Grif and Sarge duck to avoid a rocket]

Sarge:
Grif, you're up.

Grif:
Permission to assist Donut sir!

Sarge:
Permission denied. Continue with operation Meatshield. Remember, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean it won't stop bullets from hitting me. Now get out there!

Simmons:
Good call sir!

Sarge:
You're on your way to a medal Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around! Purple heart for Grif, pink heart for Donut, and a brown nose for Simmons.

Donut:
I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! I haven't even seen Paris yet...

Tex:
Mmm… why don't you just give me your sword?

Tucker:
No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.

Tex:
That's what I just said.

Tucker:
Yeah, but it's the way you said it.

Tex:
You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God! Tucker, look! Hot chicks!

Tucker:
Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.

Tex:
Now the hot girls are makin' out!

Tucker:
Okay, that's worth the risk. [turns around] Aw, crap!

[Tex knocks him out]

Church:
Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?

Tucker:
[groans] Damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.

Church:
Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.

Tucker:
Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.

Church:
Hey, where's your weapon?

Tucker:
You think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday, dude. She took it.

Gary:
The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near.

Sarge:
You stole that thing all by yourself?

Donut:
Yep. And then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.

Sarge:
I'm so proud of you.

Donut:
Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I've caught the fever!

Simmons:
Shotgun!

Grif:
Shotgu- Fuck...

Donut:
Shotgun's Lap!

Simmons:
FUCK!!

Sarge:
We're moving too slow! we'll have to leave someone behind...

Grif:
Not it!

Simmons:
Not it.

Donut:
What? No way! You're leaving me behind?!

Sarge:
Sorry Donut, but the military laws are very clear in regards on the 'not it' methodology for making decisions.

Donut:
Awww man! There's just so much about the army that I don't understand!

Simmons:
Okay, the source of the distress signal should be right outside this - crap!

Grif:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Zoom out to reveal that they are back at Blood Gulch]

Grif:
This sucks.

Gary:
THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED! THE END IS NEAR! (Repeats)

Church:
Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop,. If Tex isn't the great destroyer from the prophecy then who is? (Gary stops) Gary?

Gary:
KNOCK KNOCK.

(An alien is sneaking up behind Church)

Church:
Who's there?

:(Scene changes to Blues and Donut)