Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2

[Jake is undercover as a new member of the Italian mafia, attending a wedding celebration dinner.]

Jake:
Excuse me, excuse me! I'm Jake Peralta. [The guests applaud.] So thrilled to be here today. As many of you know, I used to be a cop. [The guests boo.] Hey, I was dirty; I took tons of bribes. But as a former detective, I know a thing or two about life sentences. And Angie, Marco, you just got slapped with the best life sentence there is: marriage. Make us proud, have a son. Salut!

[Jake approaches four dons later on in the night.]

Jake:
Congratulations, Tony. It's a beautiful night. [Holds out his hand]

Tony:
[Pushes Jake's hand down] Hey. You're one of us now. [Grabs Jake and kisses him]

Jake:
You know how long I've been waiting for one of you old men to kiss me?

Tony:
[To another don] He's a good kid.

[The other three bosses repeat the ritual of kissing Jake.]

Jake:
You know, I gotta say, out of the four of you I think Vito's the best kisser. [The four bosses laugh.] Oh, what a wedding, huh? Although the meatballs were a little dry.

[Outside Captain Holt is listening in a mobile headquarters van.]

Holt:
Dry meatballs. That's the signal! Let's go, go, go!

Terry:
[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.

Jake:
Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?

Terry:
[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.

Boyle:
My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Terry:
It's not supposed to.

Jake:
Trunk to skunk?

Gina:
Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.

Terry:
Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.

Diaz:
Neither does your wife, I guess.

Jake:
Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.

Terry:
That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!

Amy:
And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.

Terry:
Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Gina:
Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.

Diaz:
Guess you won't be manning the tip line.

Boyle:
Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?

Jake:
Now playing: Scrotal Recall!

[After Jake has managed to prevent Terry from having his vasectomy, and he and Jake are talking in the kitchenette. Earlier, Terry had berated Jake about how unhealthy his eating habits were]

Terry:
I just talked to my wife. We're waiting on the operation, everything's cool.

Jake:
Did you tell her we slept together twice?

Terry:
Thanks for taking care of me. I got you a present. [hands him a tupperware filled with carrot batons, with a bow on the lid]

Jake:
Do you know what a present is, Terry?

Terry:
I care about my friends. [takes the tupperware from Jake, and removes the lid] Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.

Jake:
[as Terry grabs him in a headlock] No, no, no!

Terry:
Come here.

[He begins to force-feed Jake the carrots]

Jake:
I hate being friends with you!

Chief Deputy Madeline Wuntch:
I've examined his proposal; there's no proof that giggle-pig is a serious problem.

Captain Raymond Holt:
So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinia Crisis resolves itself.

Wuntch:
That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naïve.

Holt:
And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.

Terry:
I have no idea who's winning.

Holt:
I am.

Jake:
Oh, hey there, Captain! Do you happen to know what day today is?

Holt:
Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch flautist Frans Brüggen, and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today is-

Jake:
It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.

Holt:
It's Halloween.

Jake:
All right, and what happened last Halloween?

Holt:
Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before the Frans Brüggen birthday concert.

Jake:
Please stop saying Brüggen.

Holt:
Last year, you bet me you could steal my Medal of Valor. And you did. Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week, and to say words I thought I'd never have to say.

[In a flashback]

Holt:
Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.

[Back in the present]

Jake:
But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet. This year I believe I'll make things more difficult for myself. Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist.

Holt:
Or, we could just not do it at all this year.

Jake:
Sir, with all due respect: C'mon, homie!

Holt:
It's not worth all the trouble. Just so you might call me an amazing captain/genius, and give me one week of overtime for free.

Jake:
All right, fine. I'll double the overtime. I'll triple it! I'll quadruple it! I will five-druple it! I'll five-druple the overtime! Got his attention. He's coming back to me.

Holt:
Just to clarify: if you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.

Jake:
Correct.

Holt:
I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs- we have reached an accord.

Jake:
Accords!

Jake:
Well done. But I do have to ask: those guys at the impound- did they really smash my car?

Holt:
No. In fact, I had them wash it.

Jake:
Good one, Captain! You can't "wash a car". So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?

Holt:
I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.

Jake:
I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.

Holt:
Mm-hmm. So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed one more thing.

Jake:
Yes. Here we go.

Holt:
One second.

[Holt snaps his fingers, and a light in the viewing room behind the one-way glass reveals Terry, Boyle, Diaz, Amy, Scully and Hitchcock.]

Jake:
Very well. Captain Raymond Holt: you are an amazing police captain/genius. But be warned: I started planning next year's heist just this minute!

Holt:
Good. Then you're only three months behind.

Jake:
You played me?!

Holt:
Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.

Wuntch:
Hello, Raymond.

Holt:
Madeline. I'd wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing.

Wuntch:
I heard you were under investigation from Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that!

Holt:
So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

Gina:
[Recording] It's Gina's phone, leave me a voicemail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

[In a cafe, Lieutenant Miller of NYPD Internal Affairs and Deputy Chief Wuntch put a flash drive from Jake into a laptop and watch as a video comes on.]

Jake:
Okay, I could get in a lot of trouble for this. But the big secret about Captain Holt is...

Holt:
[Steps into view] ...That I have a flair for the dramatic. Look behind you, Madeline.

[Visibly shocked, Deputy Chief Wuntch and Lieutenant Miller turn around to look behind them; Holt clears his throat.]

Jake:
We're actually in front of you. That's my fault. I thought the layout was gonna be different. Didn't know how you guys were gonna be sitting. I took a chance.

Holt:
Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline- and it could sink you.

Wuntch:
Fine. You're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word against mine.

Jake:
Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me- [Picks up the flash drive he'd given to Miller] I put a recording device in this dope drive, so, I got your whole conversation.

Holt:
You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else, you're... Wuntch meat.

Jake:
You sure you wanna go with that one?

Holt:
Absolutely. It's hilarious.

Jake:
Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?

Terry:
Uh...alarm didn't go off.

Jake:
All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Boyle:
Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.

Jake:
That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

Diaz:
I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Gina:
Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Holt:
It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?

Jake:
Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.

Holt:
I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.

Jake:
It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

[Amy enters]

Jake:
There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!

Amy:
I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.

Holt:
Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

Amy:
...There was a problem at the bank.

Holt:
[claps] HOT DAMN!

Jake:
Hello, District Attorney Kurm. I got lucky last night.

Kurm:
That's great. Gary, the defense attorney, isn't gonna be here.

Jake:
Oh, is he sore from high-fiving criminals he's gotten out of jail?

Terry:
Did he get a murderer off who then murdered him to celebrate?

Kurm:
Yup. Anyway, Gary broke his leg, so he's being replaced.

Jake:
"Replaced"? He should be put down! Like a horse! So who's the new sub-human piece of human garbage?

Kurm:
Sophia Perez.

Jake:
Oh, God.

Jake:
Full disclosure, your Honor. Last night Miss Perez and I got inebriated and we had colitis.

Judge Marinovich:
Colitis?

Sophia:
Coitus.

Jake:
Yeah, that.

Judge Marinovich:
A cop and a defense attorney sleeping together? That's highly unusual.

Jake:
At the time I did not know she was a defense attorney. I should have been able to guess, however, based on her ability to lie all over me.

Sophia:
Ha ha! Oh, cop's attempt to be clever. It's like watching a horse trying to eat with a fork.

Jake:
Majestic and hilarious? Take a cold shower, horn-dog, we're at work! But in all seriousness, your honor, I do think she should recuse herself from the trial.

Sophia:
Why? You think I might tell everyone in the courtroom that you like to be the little spoon?

Jake:
[Defensive] Everyone likes to be the little spoon; it makes you feel safe! Carl, back me up on this.

Kurm:
Yes. Little spoon all the way.

Jake:
See?

Sophia:
Look, I am not recusing myself. I talked to my client about it and he is fine with me staying on.

Judge Marinovich:
If the defendant is okay with it, and you two can be mature in the courtroom, then I see no reason why we can't proceed.

Jake:
Great. I can be mature.

Sophia:
Says the guy who uses a sunglasses case as a wallet.

Jake:
Stuff can be two things! Open up your refrigerator, boom! Air conditioner! Life hacked! Carl, back me up.

Kurm:
I mean, it's not very green.

Jake:
Oh, Carl.

Amy:
Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.

Jake:
Flowers are an interesting choice, Santiago. But I can still beat you.

Amy:
Beat me at expressing condolences?

Jake:
Yup- it's on! Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts. I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here. [Gets out his cell phone] "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss." Group sentiment, very meaningful. "Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Selfless act.

Boyle:
Very respectful.

Jake:
Correct. I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!

Amy:
Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?

Jake:
Personal. It's a personal matter, involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.

Amy:
So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?

Jake:
Oh, no.

[Jake gets up and hurries to Holt's office.]

Jake:
Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...

Holt:
"Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Sent from, "My Stinky Butt."

Jake:
I was hacked?

Holt:
Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.

Jake:
You're very welcome.

Holt:
I was addressing your stinky butt.

Jake:
Okay, here's the deal. The HAZMAT guys did some preliminary tests, and the substance is not baking powder.

Lawyer:
Oh. Was it Anthrax?

Jake:
We don't know yet. But I promise you, as soon as they tell me, you'll be the first to know.

Boyle:
Well, second after me, so third overall. Still pretty good.

Jake:
I just don't want people to panic. So I'm asking for your help to keep this thing quiet, so we can have the chillest biohazard lockdown in Brooklyn. Yeah?

Lawyer:
Of course. I understand.

Jake:
Great. Thank you. [The lawyer leaves Captain Holt's office.] See, if you talk to people like humans, they'll be reasonable. I mean, it's just good- oh, why is he standing on that chair?

Lawyer:
Hey, everyone! They lied to us! It's friggin Anthrax!

Terry:
I used to have an addiction. Food. It got bad.

[In a flashback, an overweight Terry approaches a Chinese restaurant with its lights off.]

Overweight Terry:
You're not closed! It's 6:00! I NEED MY MOO SHU PORK! [Pounds on the glass.] I NEED MY MOO SHU! [Shatters the glass.]

Danger:
Unh. What happened?

Diaz:
You hit your head on the doorway coming in. Got knocked out cold.

Danger:
Do I have a bruise?

Boyle:
Yeah, little one.

Danger:
Yes! I'm going on the Wall of Heroes. Did we catch all the bad guys?

Jake:
Yep, we got 'em.

Danger:
Yes! Another win for USPIS!

Jake:
You're lying in rat turds.

Danger:
It's all part of the job, little brother. All part of the job.

Jake:
Hey, it's me. Please open the door. Come on, let's talk. I'm sorry.

Old Guy:
Can I help you?

Jake:
Oh, no, you're not Sophia.

Sophia:
Hey, Jake! Over here, man!

Jake:
Oh. I'm so sorry, sir, you were a wrong door.

Old Guy:
You were a wrong door!

[The Old Guy slams his door shut.]

Jake:
That's a very angry man! I know what that sounded like at dinner, but I promise, I am not into Amy.

Sophia:
It's not what I heard, Jake. It's what I saw. You should've seen the look on your face when you found out Amy liked you. Gah! Listen to me! "Liked"? I'm an adult! All this "who-likes-who" stuff sounds very high school!

Jake:
I know, it's stupid, you're totally right! But the point is, I like you!

Sophia:
Then you're sure you're over Amy?

Jake:
Yes! I mean, I didn't knock on Amy's door. I knocked on yours.

Sophia:
Actually, you knocked on his door. And I'm pretty sure he's listening.

Old Guy:
No, I'm not! Who's Amy?

Holt:
Good morning, Boyle.

Boyle:
Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.

Holt:
After our disagreement yesterday, I went online to read your culinary blogs and scoff. To my dismay, I actually learned something about how food tells a story. So I made Kevin this.

Boyle:
It's warm.

Holt:
It's a croque monsieur. Kevin and I shared one on a rainy afternoon in Paris on our first anniversary. It's one of our most treasured memories. I'm sure it's not up to your standards, but Kevin seemed to enjoy it. So thank you, for your guidance.

[Holt walks back to his office; Boyle watches him, then immediately gets out the croque monsieur and takes a bite, closing his eyes and sighing.]

Hitchcock:
Gross, huh?

Boyle:
No. It's perfect! He's a natural chef! Now I know how Salieri felt.

Doug Judy:
You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.

Jake:
How is that even possible? Am I adopted?

Doug Judy:
Your mother was very pale. Almost invisible.

[After getting away a second time, Doug Judy has sent Jake a recorded video]

Doug Judy:
Sup, Peralta! Greetings from paradise! Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel. How you mess up a omelette? It's just a flat egg!

Jake:
He pretty much just talks about the omelette for the next ten minutes, but- [Clicks and skips further ahead in the video]

Doug Judy:
-about my escape. [Shifts the camera] This is my associate, Kyle. He drove the garbage truck. You may also remember him as the room service waiter I had you tip so generously.

Diaz:
Son of a bitch!

Jake:
Yeah. And when we ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.

Doug Judy:
Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas! [Jake closes his laptop]

Diaz:
Okay, first things first. I swear to you that we are gonna catch Doug Judy.

Jake:
I know. We did it once, we can do it again.

Diaz:
No. We will catch him. More importantly, thank you. I know how hard it was to make that choice and let him get away.

Jake:
No, it was an easy choice. I know how much this task force means to you.

Diaz:
[Grins] It means so much and it's been so stressful and it went so well! Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling! How do people do this with their faces?

Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch:
For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award on Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain... Raymond Holt. [The crowd applauds; Wuntch takes the first medal and hangs it around Holt's neck.] Raymond.

Holt:
Madeline.

Wuntch:
You won. Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

Holt:
Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.

Madeline:
[pleased] Oh. Okay. You're welcome.

Holt:
Wuntch time is over! Boom, did it! Had it both ways! No regrets.

Hitchcock:
Well, well, well. Looks like Charles is out and Hitchcock's in! What do you wanna do tonight? Go to a strip club? Have dinner with my wife?

Jake:
Are those separate options or does she live at the strip club?

Hitchcock:
You wanna know, you gotta go.

Terry:
Listen up, Jake. We just found out Sharon is pregnant and it's way too early to tell anyone. This is a secret. Do you understand me?

Jake:
Mm-hmm.

Terry:
Do you? Do you understand me?! [Grabs and picks up Jake]

Jake:
Oh, this got physical very quickly!

Terry:
This is adult stuff, Jake! Be serious!

Jake:
Look, I promise I won't tell anyone, alright? My lips are sealed!

Terry:
Good.

Jake:
Do I even weigh anything to you?

Terry:
No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.

Diaz:
Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.

Holt:
Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf.

Wuntch:
Hello, Raymond.

Holt:
No flaccid rejoinder? Hm. What's going on?

Wuntch:
I'm here on important business. I'm a front-runner for a job in the Boston P.D.

Holt:
Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

Diaz:
This is amazing.

Wuntch:
The job is Chief of Police.

Holt:
I see. So you've come to brag.

Wuntch:
No. The only blemish on my record is our long history of interpersonal turbulence. The Boston Commissioner would like to speak to you about it. I've... come to ask for your help. The Commissioner will be calling y-

Holt:
Wait- shhhhhhhhhh..... Oh, moment savored. So, where were we? Ah, yes- you were talking about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.

Jeffrey Hoytsman:
Okay, it was cocaine. Turns out I was accidentally doing some cocaine.

Jake:
Not on accident; you put it in your nose on purpose.

Hoytsman:
I don't think I have a nose, Peralta. I most certainly cannot feel it! The defense rests!

ATF Guy 1:
Leave it to the NYPD to screw up being hostages. I thought cops loved to sit around all day on their fat asses and do nothing.

Terry:
That's it.

[Terry growls and stands up, tearing off the arms of the chair he was taped to]

ATF Guy 1:
[Jumps back in fear] Whoah!

Terry:
MY ASS IS NOT FAT!

Terry:
Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside to move his very loud boombox elsewhere.

[A cutaway shows Terry breakdancing in front of a crowd with the silver breakdancer]

Diaz:
You beat him in a dance-off?

Terry:
No. I destroyed him. There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.

[Scully suddenly backs away from his desk while Hitchcock holds a lit road flare over a burning bowl]

Scully:
Oh! Oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare but it caught on fire!

Terry:
Why are you using a road flare?!

Hitchcock:
You said the kitchen was off-limits!

Scully:
Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.

Terry:
Give me that. [takes the road flare]

[Terry knocks the bowl onto the floor and stomps it out. Holt enters and stops in front of him.]

Terry:
[still stomping out the oatmeal] I'm just... holding a road flare... stepping on some oatmeal... Just doing me.

Holt:
I can't believe that you, of all people, are my biggest problem today, Jeffords. [leaves]

Boyle:
Come on, guys. I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.

Diaz:
Of course we can see it, Charles. It's horrible.

Gina:
It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

Jake:
Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't talk to strangers" poster.

Boyle:
No, I don't.

Holt:
Are you talking about your new goatee? I think it's a good choice for your face. Come over here so I can take a better look.

Boyle:
[walking over to Holt] Thank you, captain. I knew you'd appreciate Bianca. [to the bullpen] That's right, I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.

Holt:
[puts on glasses, examines Boyle's goatee] Jeffords, Peralta. Now.

[Terry restrains Boyle]

Jake:
Say goodbye to Bianca, Boyle. [reveals an electric razor and turns it on]

Boyle:
Bianca! NOOOOO!

Scully:
It's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.

Boyle:
Because he's the victim. He's the guy whose window was smashed with this rock. Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.

Hitchcock:
Sure, but what do they want from him?

Boyle:
$10,000. I just said that. We're trying to figure out who's doing the threatening.

Scully:
Wait. I have a theory. I think "limousine" and "magazine" come from the same word.

Boyle:
Just focus! Sorry for snapping. I interviewed Orsk-

Scully:
Orsk! There it is again!

Boyle:
Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!

Jake:
Where were you? You were gone for three hours. I know because I sang "This Is How We Do It" 143 times.

Hoytsman:
Okay, well, I had to grab a few things at the art supply store. Kidnapping is 90% crafting. Jake, you're gonna help me get my life back. You're gonna confess on video to framing me for everything that got me in trouble.

Jake:
And why would I do that?

Hoytsman:
Because I'm high on bath salts, emotionally unstable, and pointing a gun at you!

Jake:
Let's make a movie!

Gina:
Oh, no. Despite what I've been saying for years, that ass just might quit.

Jake:
Well, I think we handled that with dignity. [The vending machine slips from the dolly and hits the floor, shattering the glass on its front.] FREE CANDY!

Wuntch:
I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.

Holt:
And let him fire you?

Wuntch:
I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?

[Cut to Holt exiting his office.]

Holt:
Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.

Amy:
What the hell?

Jake:
I don't understand.

Amy:
What the hell?!

Boyle:
Why are you doing this?

Amy:
What the hell?!

Holt:
I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.

Jake:
Pretty consistent tone, actually.

Holt:
[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.

Jake:
Oh, no. This is new.

Holt:
And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.

Jake:
Go back to being robot, Captain!

Holt:
Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.

Gina:
Captain! I'm coming with you.

Holt:
Thank you, Gina.

Scully:
I'm also coming!

Holt:
Not necessary.