Everybody Hates Chris, Season 1

Narrator:
1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager. I was gonna have women, money, stay out late... I thought it was gonna be the bomb! Boy, was I wrong!

Rochelle Rock:
CHRIS! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! [under her breath] Disgusting!

Julius:
If you smell smoke, and you think the house is going to catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell gas, and you think the house is going to blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.

Narrator:
Fortunately, the house never caught fire, and neither did my brother.

Tonya:
I have to go to the bathroom!

Chris:
I told you to go at school!

Tonya:
That bathroom is nasty!

Julius:
Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time while you sleep. That's two cents an hour.

[flashback]

Mr. Palmer:
I didn't touch her! I don't know what you're talking about!

Narrator:
Mr. Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about because of the network censors. The school settled the lawsuit out of court and he's not allowed to teach anymore. If he moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a warning.

Rochelle Rock:
If I ever catch any of y'all spray-paintin' on anybody's wall, I'll put my foot so far up your behind that you'll have toes for teeth!

Rochelle Rock:
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY TOWEL?!

Joey Caruso:
This isn't over, n*gger.

Narrator:
He got away with calling me "n*gger" that day. But he said it later in life at a DMX concert and got stomped half to death.

Julius:
We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.

Narrarator:
One time I only got ice.

Narrator:
When I was 13, my mom convinced my dad to move us outta the projects. She always said "project" is just another word for "experiment." In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese.

Narrator:
I felt better than Billy Dee Williams after a case of malt liquor.

Rochelle:
If I ain't getting any sleep, you ain't getting any sleep.

Narrator:
Now, that was mean. Taking sleep from my father was like taking ignorance from a rapper.

Narrator:
I sucked at every sport I tried: baseball, football... Like a fool, I even tried bowling.

Narrator:
At that moment, I discovered one of life's greatest secrets -- black guy, plus basketball, equals white girl.

Coach:
I thought you said you were from Harlem!

Narrator:
It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raisin' no babies.

Narrator:
That kid snitched so much, he made more money than the teachers.

Chris:
All he had to do was see somebody do something and he could copy it. Today you call that a music producer.

Chris:
He beat me so bad I had to take the underground railroad home.

Chris:
Just call it a heart attack.

Mrs. Abigail Milone:
Would you like to try for 30 minutes?

Julius:
Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.

Rochelle:
[Shrugs] Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have to complain.

Julius:
Half the stuff around here I do better than you! [Rochelle pauses while eating] It ain't that hard!

[Rochelle looks at him]

Chris:
[Narrating]] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.

Julius:
What? You got somethin' to say? [Rochelle smiles and stands up]

[A warning message reading, "Warning! The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discreation is advised." appears on screen as a narrator reads it out loud]

Rochelle:
Well, ain't this about a bitch?! [Cuts to outside of house as Rochelle is heard inside yelling. Crashes can be heard. People outside stop.] Are you crazy?! You do my job for one day, and now it ain't that damn hard?! You bacon-frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard! [Time card reading, "One Hour Later", appears] You must think I'm crazy! You can kiss my "Ain't-That-Hard" ass! [Cuts to Rochelle inside] Have you LAWST yo mind?! [She leaves the room]

Chris:
[narrating] And that was my mother's way of letting him of easy.

Rochelle:
Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? Dinner? Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons? Get over here and pick this crap up, before I smack the shine off your head!

Narrator:
[as Chris, Tonya and Drew mess up the house] Black people didn't go this crazy again till the L.A. riots!

Tonya:
Mom, where's Chris?

Rochelle:
His bike got stolen. I told him not to let anybody ride it. So I smacked him into next week. He'll be back on Tuesday.

Drew:
Told you.

Chris:
Why do they call you "Fat Mike?"

Fat Mike:
They just always did.

Narrator:
There were about 10 Mikes in my neighborhood: Big Head Mike spent more time in jail than out of jail. White Mike was just a white guy who lived on the block; family didn't have enough money to leave. Tall Mike played ball, Monster Mike just scared kids, and Mike Mike was actually the first Mike that lived on the block, but his real name was Paul.

Narrator:
You would think a guy that gets his ass kicked every day wouldn't leave the house wearing tights.

Julius:
That's almost $2 worth of candy in the garbage.

Rochelle:
Chris, come straight home so you can go trick or treating with Drew and Tonya.

Narrator:
Damn!

Narrator:
My mother would never hire anyone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people don't tell you they're irresponsible. 'Cause they're irresponsible!

Rochelle:
Boy, I'm-a kick her ass. Hold my wig.

Chris:
You can't leave your baby here.

Yvette:
Why not?

Chris:
Because you're babysitting.

Narrator:
We didn't know if it was his baby either, but trust me: Ain't no black man pickin' up a baby that ain't his.

Chris and Tonya (singing to the baby):
It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder, how I keep from going under.

Narrator:
Hey, he cried when I sang Endless Love.

Julius:
Twenty dollars to get into a club? We can dance at home for free!

Narrator:
Thanks to Drew and Tonya, I was taking care of kids till I was taking care of my own kids!

Chris:
(to mom & dad) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! She left us to go get a baby. But when she came back, she burned your chicken, So then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby. He said his name was Mario and he was the baby's father. So when he left, she came back, and the baby wasn't here. So,she went to go get the baby back. Her mother came to the door looking for her and the baby. So what they had a big fight about where to live. She said she'd live at Mario's house. WHO IS MARIO? So then when she came back, she started braiding Tonya's hair. Drew got to watch the game. You guys came back. She's trying to make it look like everything was all peachy and fine. It's not!

Julius:
I told you we should have let Chris babysit! Girl, give me my money back!

Rochelle:
(Yevette smiles in an innocent way) Imma kick her ass. Hold my wig. (Bell Rings)

Drew:
(as Chris comes back) 3, 2, 1!!!! (laughs) Yeah, that was a game! (laughs again).

Rochelle Rock:
Like I told you for the hundredth time, I'm pregnant. I thought you used a condom.

Julius:
I did! Damn Risky!

Narrator:
Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl is because my father wanted a boy.

Narrator:
Some people count sheep. My father counted CHEAP.

Narrator:
From the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult, my father loved to find money.

Child Julius:
Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!

[flashback:
woman giving birth]

Doctor:
It's a boy!

Julius:
I found a dollar!

Narrator:
That wasn't even my mother!

Tonya:
[about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?

Rochelle:
The prize is you won't starve to death. Ring it up.

Narrator:
Instead of Oreo's, Ginger Snaps or Chips Ahoy, we got...

Drew:
Cookie?

Narrator:
That's right cookie not cookies, cookie. A big bag with one cookie in it.

Narrator:
I thought "Plate Tectonics" was the original name of the Wu-Tang Clan.

Chris:
You know, there's a reason why you didn't have a friend until I came along.

Greg:
And there's a reason why you don't have a friend now!

Narrator:
It was like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham!

Drew:
[repeated line] Wasn't me.

NARRATOR(CR):
My dad liked game shows.

JULIUS:
C'mon, sista. You can do it.

NARRATOR(CR):
And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.

Bob Barker:
What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!

Julius:
$430.

Bob Barker:
I want the first bid from Bennette.

Bennette:
$400.

Julius:
That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.

White woman:
$625.

Julius:
Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.

White man:
$580.

JULIUS:
What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?

NARRATOR(CR):
My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.

ROCHELLE:
How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.

JULIUS:
That's 'cause it costs $430.

Rochelle:
You be like E.T.: you phone home!

[Tonya is attempting to make hot chocolate while Chris is out. Rochelle finds her]]

ROCHELLE:
Tonya, what're you doin'?!

TONYA:
Chris did it!

ROCHELLE:
( calling upstairs ) CHRIS!

DREW:
( entering the kitchen ) Chris isn't here.

ROCHELLE:
( as Tonya stands stock still in horror ) So where is he?

DREW:
I don't Know.

Rochelle:
So who put this pot on the stove?

Drew:
wansn't me.

Narrator(CR):
Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.

[Cutaway]

Rochelle:
Who tore up my back seat?

Drew:
Wasn't me.

[Cutaway]

Julius:
Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?

Drew:
Wasn't me.

[Cutaway]

Rochelle:
Who spilt this oatmeal?

Baby Drew:
Wasn't me.

Narrator:
Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]

Rochelle:
[to Tonya] What is this mess girl?

Tonya:
[realising she has no scapegoat] I was just trying to make hot chocolate.

Rochelle:
[firmly] I don't want you foolin' around with this hot chocolate again, do you hear me? [as Chris enters] Now get upstairs before I make yo' behind hot!

Narrator:
I thought I'd see George Bush in a do-rag before Tonya got in trouble.

Art:
Gregory! You got dents all in my sofa. Can you sit in one spot and can you drink out of one glass?

Narrator:
This is like CSI: Brooklyn.

Rochelle:
You might be out there sellin' drugs. I mean, you could be the kingpin of a Colombian drug cartel for all I know.

Chris:
Momma, I'm not out there sellin' drugs.

Rochelle:
How do I know that?

Narrator:
My mother had one goal in life for her kids: don't sell drugs. As long as they weren't doin' that, almost everything else was gonna be OK.

[Cutaway]

Policeman:
Ma'am, your son shot the mayor.

Rochelle:
Did he sell drugs?

Policeman:
No.

Rochelle:
Get in here, boy.

[Another cutaway]

FBI Agent:
Ma'am, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the President and ran a red light.

Rochelle:
He ain't sell no drugs, did he?

FBI Agent:
No, ma'am.

Rochelle:
Boy, get in here.

Narrator:
Greg looked at me like his dad was Ike Turner.

Rochelle:
Oh baby, you'll be able to use up all the hot water you want.

Narrator:
So all I'm getting is a clean ass.

Julius:
Steaming hot.

Tonya:
I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Narrator:
When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.

[Rochelle imagines Tonya aggressively confronting her years later as a teenager]

Teenage Tonya:
So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!

Narrator:
If you had a Walkman, you could even listen to bad music, and no one would know . . . unless you were dumb enough to sing along.

Narrator:
In the game of Dare, there are no rules, there are no regulations, and the game doesn't end 'til somebody's dead.

Chris:
[to Julius] I was hoping you could give me an allowance?

[Everyone suddenly looks at him in shock, especially Julius]

Narrator:
I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he he heard:

[Cutaway]

Chris:
Since you work like a slave all day, and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it? [Draws same response as before]

Narrator:
If you watch TV, you'll know that the emergency room is one of the most exciting places you can be. Wrong!

Narrator:
We delivered papers in Brooklyn. We delivered papers in Queens, Chinatown, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem, Puerto Rican Harlem, the Bronx, Greenwich Village. We delivered papers to people I didn't even know who could read.

[Cutaway]

Tonya:
Mom! Chris just got hit by a car!

Rochelle:
Oh my God! I'll go get the Robitussin!

Julius:
I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?

Narrator:
When broke kids get bored, they play one of the cheapest games ever invented, I Dare You.

Rochelle:
You took your pictures dressed as a lawn jockey?! What, they run outta monkey suits?

Narrator:
These women are worse than the pigeons in Central Park.

Mrs. Milone:
You better find something to wear, you can't take a picture in your underwear.

Narrator:
I don't think anybody ever told Prince that.

Rochelle:
Boys are becoming fathers even at age 12.

Narrator:
And great-grandfathers at 43.

Chris:
[reading from a card] Roses are red, violets are blue, please go back to Africa and take your mother with you. Happy Valentine's Day.

Narrator:
Another card like this and I might just go to Africa.

Adult Tonya:
Daddy, this is Ronald, my fiancé.

Ronald:
Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]

Adult Tonya:
Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!

Narrator:
Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.

Julius:
Rochelle, did you watch the news? Girls are having babies at 10.

Narrator:
And grandbabies at 20.

Narrator:
Valentine's Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.

Caruso:
Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one, too.

Narrator:
So much for "love is in the air".

Chris:
Ey, leave her alone.

[Somebody beats Chris's score in a video game]

Narrator:
Ain't this about a bi--

[Opening sequence cuts him off]

Tonya:
Momma, can we have our candy back?

Rochelle:
No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.

Narrator:
But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.

Narrator:
In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people have reputations for different things. Deidre Garfield was 23 and had a reputation for being the youngest grandmother in Brooklyn. Mr. Jackson had a reputation for being crazy as hell, but a lot of people say he invented homelessness. I had a reputation, too: not only for being a nerd or getting beat up every day, I was also known for being the best Asteroids player in Bed-Stuy.

Rochelle:
Don't come home stupid.

Chris, Tonya and Drew:
We won't!

Narrator:
Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

[Cutaway to 1993]

Rochelle:
Tonya, what happened?

Adult Tonya:
Momma, I had to smoke that fool.

Rochelle:
No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!

Narrator:
And worse than this...

[Cutaway to 1994]

Rochelle:
Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?

Teenage Drew:
[dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.

Rochelle:
I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!

Julius:
My foot's lookin' better, don't you think?

Rochelle:
Why are you talking about your foot? Your son has no conscience. In there eatin' pancakes like he actually got an A.

Julius:
If you didn't want him to have pancakes, what you give 'em to him for?

Rochelle:
For him to feel guilty and confess. But that's OK. Tomorrow I got something for him.

Julius:
Baby, let's talk about this. C'mon.

Rochelle:
Oh, so now you wanna talk to me? Why don't you just talk to your friends since you talk to them all the time?

Julius:
Rochelle, those are your friends! We were just talkin' about the soaps! Are you jealous?

Rochelle:
Hell yeah! Damn skippy! How would you feel if you came home and I was sittin' there talkin' to a bunch of your friends about football?

Julius:
You like football?

Rochelle:
No, I don't like football! Julius, you always wanna talk to me about bills or the kids. I just think it would be nice to talk about something else, for a change.

Julius:
You wanna talk about the gout?

Rochelle:
NO! I don't wanna talk about the gout!

Greg:
You're definitely not in there.

Tonya:
Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.

Caruso:
Rest in peace, Toby.

Drew:
Hey, Chris, can I borrow your comic books?

Julius:
That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.

Announcer:
[cut to Rochelle] Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade? [cut to Chris] How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie? [cut to Julius] Will Julius ever get rid of the gout? [cut to Tonya] Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions? [cut to Drew] Will Drew get any lines? Find out this and more when "Everybody Hates Chris" returns.

Narrator:
I know you're probably wondering: "What is the gout?".

Doctor:
Well, gout, or "the gout", as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis which causes severe swelling, usually in the ankle or the big toe. It's caused by a poor diet, including things like smothered porkchops...

Julius:
Needs some salt.

Doctor:
Smothered chicken-fried bacon...

Julius:
Needs some salt.

Doctor:
And smothered chicken-fried bananas.

Julius:
[tries a banana] Not bad. Needs salt.

Doctor:
Are you out your damn mind?

Narrator:
I could get good grades just by talking about Dr. Martin Luther King. [Cutaway to the final part of Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech, then to Chris' English class] In English...

Chris:
My book report is on Dr. Martin Luther King.

[Cutaway to history classroom]

Narrator:
In history...

Chris:
My history report is on the Birmingham bus boycott led by Dr. Martin Luther King.

[Cutaway to math classroom]

Narrator:
The only place Martin Luther King didn't work, was math.

Ms. Morello:
Chris, what's the square root of 144?

Chris:
[Pause] 1963? The same year that Martin Luther King led the march on Washington?

Ms. Morello:
No, it's 12.

Gene:
Knock-knock.

Chris:
Who's there?

Gene:
Pass me them porkchops.

Drew:
Pass me them porkchops who?

Gene:
No! Pass me them porkchops right there!

Gene:
Knock-knock.

Chris:
Who's there?

Gene:
[feeling pain] Oh, Lorrrrrdy.

Chris:
Oh, Lorrrrrdy who? [everyone laughs]

Gene:
I'm dyin'...

Rochelle:
I'm dyin' who?

Gene:
I'm... havin'... a... heart... [dies]

Tonya:
You're havin' a heart who?

Rochelle:
Daddy? [silence] Daddy? [suspicious] Daddy?

Narrator:
I never did find out who was there.

Maxine:
Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?

Chris:
Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!

Narrator:
I would be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.

Maxine:
Are you gonna sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? [to Chris] Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?

[Chris is sitting on a sofa with a white family]

White mom:
Who are you?

Chris:
You don't wanna know.

Narrator:
My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job. He put the "um" in "bum".

Narrator:
That's my Aunt Charlotte, but we called her Grievey because we only saw her at funerals. No birthdays, no weddings... just funerals.

Gene:
And he didn't think I was playin' when I smacked him in the head with a brick. [everyone laughs] And to this day, when I go in there, my foods is free!

Rochelle:
Chris! get in here and pick up this Yoyo My father died, for goodness' sake, and now you tryin' to kill me too!

Narrator:
I hadn't seen my mom so happy since Lionel Richie went solo.

Chris:
(To Greg) My mom's been acting strange lately.

Greg:
You mean strange like...

[Cutaway to Rochelle with a shower cap, sunglasses, and a chicken costume on, out in the sidewalk]

Rochelle:
There's a TV in my head! Ow! Ah! PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!!! (Starts clucking like a chicken)

Narrator:
Even the crackheads would be scared of that.

Science teacher:
Another 30 seconds in there and we would've been blacker than you!

Rochelle:
Oh, my God! Julius, what are you... sellin' a fish or sleepin' with a mermaid?

Rochelle:
You smell like curried tube socks!

Julius:
What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. quit?

Narrator:
When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.

Julius:
What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit makin' kids?

Narrator:
Ain't she a woman?

Julius:
They might be The Jackson Three! What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would've gotten a record contract if they were just called "The Gang"?

Narrator:
To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.

Julius:
Let me in.

Rochelle:
No. You smell.

Julius:
That is the smell of a working man.

Rochelle:
No, that is the smell of Aquaman.

Julius:
Rochelle, open the door.

Rochelle:
No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!

Narrator:
[in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!

Julius:
What you want me to do?

Rochelle:
Quit!

Julius:
I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?

Rochelle:
I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!

Julius:
What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?

Drew:
We don't wanna go nowhere with you.

Tonya:
Yeah, Daddy! You stink!

[Rochelle drops a bag of clean clothes down to Julius]

Julius:
What's this?

Rochelle:
Clean clothes.

Julius:
Where am I supposed to change?

Rochelle:
I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?

[Julius looks down, where a lot of cats are licking his feet]

Caruso:
Silly Negro.

Narrator:
You know what? I think it's time for this silly Negro to get out of this school.

Narrator:
That day I realized that no matter what school I went to, things were gonna be rough. But, as long as I had Greg, things were gonna be all right.

Narrator:
It's been a year since my mom sent me to Corleone Junior High for a better education.

White kid:
Jerk!

Narrator:
Oh, I was gettin' a better education, all right: an education in misery! I was tired of my classes.

[Cutaway]

Ms. Morello:
Inga-binga-binga-bunga. Chris, what tribe are you from?

Chris:
I don't know.

Narrator:
I still struggled to get sleep.

[Cutaway]

Chris:
Goodnight, momma.

Rochelle:
Goodnight, baby. [switches the light off and back on again] Chris! Get your butt up! It's time to go to school!

Chris:
Rrrghhh!

Narrator:
And worst of all, everybody hated me. The kids hated me. The teachers hated me. Even the lunch ladies hated me. [Chris gets chased by white kids, teachers and lunch ladies] But, the only good thing that happened to me at Corleone was meetin' Greg.

Rochelle:
You remember that girl who got stabbed last year at Marla Gibbs High School. Chris, Sanford has nothing but juvenile delinquents and future convicts.

Rochelle:
[to Julius] We'll look for other schools... and we'll look for other soap. You stink!

Narrator:
From there, we tried performin' arts school.

Chris:
[singing] Fame, I'm gonna live forever! I'm gonna learn how to fly!

Performing arts teacher:
Next!

Narrator:
We looked into Hebrew school.

Chris:
[singing] Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava...

Jewish teacher:
Next!

Narrator:
We even tried old school.

Chris:
[singing] I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie, to the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock it to the bang, bang, boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!

Old school teacher:
Next!

Chris:
Ah wh---

Narrator:
Back at Corleone, like Kunta Kinte, I was waiting for my freedom papers.

Narrator:
"Mmm" meant she was gonna blame him for the rest of his life.

[Cutaway]'[Time Card Reads 2028]

Old Rochelle:
Asleep again, huh? That's how Chris broke Drew's hand.

Old Julius:
Rochelle, that was 45 years ago.

Old Rochelle:
Mm-hmm.

Narrator:
For free my father would let me learn almost anything.

Julius:
What are you doing?

Chris:
Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.

Julius:
How much does it cost?

Chris:
It's free.

Julius:
Go ahead.

Chris:
So... are we going to be learning how to break boards?

Mr. Jackson:
You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?

Chris:
Uh, no.

Mr. Jackson:
That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.

Drew:
Your the coolest big brother out of all my friends.

Narrator:
My father knew that if my mother ever found that Playboy, he'd probably never see a naked woman again. Unfortunately he couldn't find it either

Julius:
Rochelle, why'd you spend all this money on a coat?

[Rochelle drops the magazine in front of Julius]

Rochelle:
Miss June has one.

Narrator:
I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality!

Narrator:
When I was a teenager, I discovered a lot of new things. I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.

[Chris pours some milk into his cereal, which comes out looking like yogurt; he tastes it, then spits it out]

Narrator:
I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.

[a guy sees blood on his hand and runs out of the barbershop screaming]

Barber:
Next!

Narrator:
I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they'll do anything you want.

[a clip from "The A-Team" is shown on TV]

Narrator:
My father could've asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Tonya:
Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?

Rochelle:
What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?

[Cutaway]

Drew:
Hey Mom, what time is it?

Rochelle:
What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Chris:
Ma, can I have some more potatoes?

Rochelle:
What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.

Narrator:
My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.

Boy:
It's for my uncle.

Risky:
Here. Don't drink it all at once.

Narrator:
He'd get you cigarettes.

Girl:
It's for my mother.

Risky:
Here. Don't smoke 'em all at once.

Narrator:
He could even get you plutonium.

Man:
It's for my daughter.

Risky:
Do not use this all at once.

Narrator:
Who knew you could make money off of naked women?

Rochelle:
Chris, where did you get a Playboy from anyway?

[Julius gives Chris a look]

Narrator:
That look means, "Boy, I know I never asked you to lie, but please don't tell your mother that that's my Playboy!"

[Chris tries to buy Playboy and gum]

Narrator:
The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.

Store clerk:
$3.50.

[Chris pays, and the store clerk takes away the Playboy]

Store clerk:
Now get out of here before I call a cop.

Chris:
For what?! You just robbed me, this one cost me 50 cents.

Store clerk:
Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy?

Narrator:
Hey, Miss June was fine, but she wasn't worth goin' to jail.

Rochelle:
Chris, go get your father's crazy glue.

Narrator:
If we didn't have crazy glue, this is what would happen to our house. (In Chris' head, a house falls down)

Narrator:
My brother, Drew, wasn't scared of anything, but after he saw The Fly, he was terrified of spiders. (Drew starts patting all over himself to see if there was a spider, then he starts getting crazy, patting himself, and shrieking) I wouldn't tell you what happened after he saw Urban Cowboy.

Narrator:
My father has gotten tickets from Risky before: for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.

Rochelle:
Oh!

Julius:
What happened? Who's down? What happened?

Rochelle:
Man!

Narrator:
He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.

Julius:
What's she wearin'? Has she thrown her shoe yet?

Rochelle:
I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yeah Patti, I love you girl! Whoo!

Greg:
Never heard of Thomas "Tip" O'Neill?

Narrator:
Not unless he's related to Shaquille!

White Cop:
You the kid sellin' the cookies?

Chris:
Right off the truck. How many do you want?

White Cop:
None. You're under arrest.

Narrator:
I know I look cool on the outside, but on the inside I was doing this.

Chris:
(crying) I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE, I PROMISE! I'M NOT A THIEF!! I WANT MY MOMMA!!

Narrator:
It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.

Julius:
I got a coupon for a free dinner!

Rochelle:
Oh, I'll go get dressed.

Tonya:
Momma, I have rabies!

Rochelle:
DAMN!

Julius:
I got Michael Jackson tickets!

Rochelle:
Oh, I'll call the sitter.

Drew:
Momma, my eye fell out!

Rochelle:
DAMN!

Julius:
We just won a trip to Miami!

Rochelle:
Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!

Chris:
Ma, I think I broke my neck.

Rochelle:
Damn.

Chris:
Would you like to buy some cookies?

Diabetic Black Husband:
I'll take four.

Black Wife:
What are you doin'? He has diabetes. You tryin' to kill him?!

Ms. Morello:
Chris, if your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.

Narrator:
She acts like it's caviar? It's just cookies! Damn!

Narrator:
Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that travelling to faraway places was something that only rich people did. At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.

Caruso:
Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.

Narrator:
I'd like to sit you under a bus.

Julius:
Who gave her the chicken pox?

Drew:
Wasn't me.

Rochelle:
(To Drew) Stop scratching, you're making me itch.

Narrator:
When it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.

Restaurant Manager:
It's Father's Day, people! Come on down to Pastures and Shores! The food is half-price! [a family approaches] ¡Buenas noches! ¿Cómo se dice half-off?

Narrator:
The movies are terrible..

Black Man:
[as everyone is running out of the theater] Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Narrator:
The gifts suck...

White Wife:
Ta-daa!

White Husband:
What the hell is this?

White Wife:
It's a parking space, honey. We got you a parking space!

Narrator:
Better park and be happy. And the only song for fathers was this.

[The Temptations sing Papa Was a Rollin' Stone]

Narrator:
[about Julius] I hope he doesn't leave us for a white girl.

Narrator:
I tried to imagine doin' the things that Greg talked about with my father, like bringin' him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

Julius:
Are you crazy? Well you better get me some bacon!

Narrator:
I thought about takin' my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.

Julius:
We're payin' $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?

Narrator:
(About Rochelle's expression) That look means "that's what I tried to tell yo' stupid ass!"

*Chris and Tonya catches Keisha and Drew kissing*

Tonya:
"Oooh! I'm telling!"

Drew:
"Shut up, Tonya!"

Narrator:
Usually, when Tonya said she was telling, that meant I was getting in trouble. But I didn't care. All I wanted to do was slap the black off of Drew."

EMT:
"What happened?"

Detective:
"Looks like older brother came home, found little brother kissing his woman, and slapped the black off him."

*EMT shows Detective a ziploc bag*

Detective:
"Is this the black?"

EMT:
"All we could find."

Detective:
"So much for brotherly love..."

[last lines of episode]

Chris Rock:
[narrating] My dad always checked on us in between jobs: His night job, and his late-at-night job.

Chris:
Dad?

Julius:
Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.

Chris:
I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.

Julius:
That was 89¢ worth of chicken. What, you didn't get enough to eat at school?

Chris:
I was still hungry.

Julius:
Now I'm still hungry. [sits on Chris' bed] Look. Next time, eat a little something extra at breakfast, okay?

Chris:
Okay.

Julius:
[pulls out cash] Here. [pulls cash from Chris before his can get it] Now, don't go pullin' this money out. Somebody'll try to rob you. [gives cash to Chris] Don't tell you mother about this. Everything okay at school?

Chris Rock:
[narrating] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights Era. After hoses, tanks, and a dog bites on your ass, somehow, Joey Caruso didn't compare.

Chris:
Yep, it was alright.

Julius:
Okay. I'll see you in the morning.

Chris Rock:
[narrating] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you." I was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning." meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you."

Julius:
Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's two cents an hour.

[Chris begrudgingly decides to unplug his clock.]

Rochelle:
[offscreen; angrily] What the Hell happened to my towel?! [Chris' eyes widen in shock, as if thinking "I'm busted!", as the screen freeze-frames and fades to black, ending the episode as "Rapper's Delight" by The Sugarhill Gang plays in the background]

Narrator:
It took me years to find out in order to get a women to do something you gotta tell them the opposite!

(Flashback to Rochelle serving Julius dinner)

Rochelle:
Here's your chicken!

(Rochelle throws Julius' food on the table)

Julius:
And you better not get me dessert!

Rochelle:
I get you what I want!

Chris:
What's going on?

Student 1:
He stole my shoes!

Student 2:
That's my sweater.

Student 3:
That's my shirt.

Student 4:
Those are my pants.

Narrator:
How the hell did he get home with no pants?!