It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3

Charlie:
Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.

Frank:
After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.

Charlie:
Really?

Frank:
Yeah, yeah.

Charlie:
Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.

Frank:
She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.

Tanning Employee:
You want to put your baby into the tanning bed?

Mac:
We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes or so.

Dee:
Just to get nice base roasting, golden brown or real tan

Mac:
[exaggerated] Just to get a base.

In a note Charlie left:
Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.

Frank:
What the hell is that?

Mac:
It's a baby we found in the trash.

Frank:
[pauses] Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Charlie:
Well, if it isn't the girl who broke my heart by *falling* in love with my best friend and havin' *sex* with this guy! [motions to Frank]

Waitress:
Gross.

Frank:
This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.

Dee:
Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for 3 days?

Frank:
Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.

Frank:
I'm startin' to feel it.

Charlie:
I bet you are, bud.

Frank:
I'm feelin' weird.

Charlie:
Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.

Frank:
The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.

Charlie:
That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.

Frank:
I gotta go.

Charlie:
Then go.

Frank:
The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.

Charlie:
Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.

Frank:
I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.

Charlie:
Oh my God.

Frank:
I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?

Charlie:
Annoyed.

Frank:
Nothin' kickin' in yet?

Charlie:
What are you talking about, the beer?

Frank:
No, the acid.

Charlie:
I did not take any acid, remember?

Frank:
[laughing] Oh yeah you did.

Charlie:
What are you talking about?

Frank:
I put a shitload of it in your beer.

Charlie:
What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!

Frank:
Yeah.

Charlie:
I drank all that shit, dude!

Frank:
That's OK.

Charlie:
There was like a ton of acid in there!

Frank:
Yeah!

Charlie:
Why would you do that?!

Frank:
I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.

Charlie:
Oh my God, man! Oh my God! Oh my God!...

Frank:
Charlie, I actually really need to go take a dump.

Charlie:
Shut up! I don't care! Go! Go in the camper, dude! Get out of here!

Frank:
[walks away]

Charlie:
Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude! Why would you d..!? Oh shit! Oh shit!

Charlie:
Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.

Mac:
Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.

Dennis:
Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.

Charlie:
Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.

Mac:
You're tripping?

Charlie:
Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.

Mac:
Oh, Jesus.

Liam:
Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?

Ryan:
Yeah, we're going to be famous.

Dennis:
Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.

Mac:
Yeah, just go over there.

Dennis:
Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.

Charlie:
Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.

Mac:
Frank, What the hell are you doing?

Artemis:
He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.

Frank:
Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?

Dennis:
What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)

Frank:
I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!

Artemis:
I think he took a dump in there.

Mac:
Can you give us a second, please?

Artemis:
Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.

Dennis:
All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?

Mac:
Great. Walk me through the plan again.

Dennis:
Awesome.

Dennis:
The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.

Mac:
That's a great plan.

Charlie (as Green Man):
Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?

Dennis:
Like, two seconds.

Charlie:
Seriously?

Dennis:
Frank, give me the gun.

Frank:
Where is it?

Dennis:
It's in your hand!

Charlie:
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?

Dennis:
I don't know!

Frank:
That lizard talks!

Charlie:
Where? Where? I don't like lizards!

Mac:
We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!

Mac and Dennis:
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

Frank:
Lizard, am I standing in poop?

Charlie:
You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.

Mac:
You knew that it was a dick?!

Charlie:
Well yea we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.

Dennis:
It was always meant to be a bicep.

Charlie:
Well why didn't you cut it like a...cause it totally looks like a dick. I thought well alright lets go with the dick thing, its more masculine anyway. I mean shit if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins.

Frank:
I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!

Dennis:
Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.

Frank:
I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]

Lawyer:
I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.

Dennis:
That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?

Dee:
No, just get to the reading part.

Frank:
Get on with it, man. Let's go.

Lawyer:
All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?

Frank:
Yo!

Lawyer:
OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."

Dennis:
What?!

Dee:
What?!

Frank:
Bruce Mathis?!

Lawyer:
[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."

Frank:
You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?

Lawyer:
You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.

Dee:
Why are you giving it to him?!

Lawyer:
I'm not--

Dee:
She barely even knew him!

Lawyer:
Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.

Frank:
Where is that rat bastard?!

Lawyer:
Sir, I don't know!

Frank:
'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!

Dennis:
Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!

Lawyer:
You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."

Dennis:
Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.

Lawyer:
"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."

Dennis:
I would never let him in.

Frank:
What?!

Lawyer:
Deandra?

Dee:
Yes.

Lawyer:
"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."

Dee:
A mistake? We're twins.

Lawyer:
Yeah...

Dee:
We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.

Frank:
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!

Lawyer:
Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!

Dee:
Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.

Frank:
You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!

Dee:
Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?

Lawyer:
It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.

Dee:
Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!

Frank:
Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!

Dee:
Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...

Frank:
Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

Lawyer:
These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...

Dennis:
[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.

Lawyer:
You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...

Dennis:
[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]

Lawyer:
Mmm-hmm, 'kay.

[Dennis leaves]

Lawyer:
[to himself] Jesus Christ.

Dennis:
Margaret, you like sweat, don't you. Margaret--it is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, Margaret?

Frank:
When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

Liam:
Start breaking bricks wet nips!

Dennis:
Dude, I swear to god if you try and give me a noogie I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.

Mac:
(walks in from the office) Helloooo!!! What's up bitches?

Charlie:
Mac, can an asshole rip in half?

Mac:
Like tissue paper.

Dee:
GET ON YER KNEES BITCHES!

Liam:
We're takin' you bitches hostage.

Dee:
What is this thing?

Charlie:
That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.

Dee:
No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.

Charlie:
Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"

Dee:
Oh God.

Charlie:
And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.

Dee:
Charlie...

Charlie:
And then it's just you and me babe...

Dee:
Oh my God.

Mac:
Dee, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I know what you're trying to do. You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team--

Dee:
Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.

Charlie:
Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

Dennis:
I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?

Charlie:
Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?

Dennis:
I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."

Charlie:
Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?

Dennis:
You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.

Charlie:
It's locked! All right, let me try this out.

Dennis:
What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!

Charlie:
Why not?

Dennis:
We're not at your apartment, shithead!

Charlie:
Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?

Dennis:
Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.

Charlie:
Well eventually they're gonna overlap--

Dennis:
They're not ever gonna--

Charlie:
You know what, you're right, it's not working.

Dennis:
Oh, no shit.

Charlie:
Well it was worth a try!

Dennis:
It was not worth a try.

Dennis:
When she jumps up on the stage we'll blast her with the water, the crowd will go crazy, the other girls are gonna wanna join in, and we will save the bar and then she'll break up with Charlie ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.

Mac:
I agree with the first part but the second part seems incredibly harsh.

Dennis:
It's the best goddamn part.

Dee:
Those goddam North Koreans.

Dennis:
They are some sneaky bastards.

Mac:
You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!

Charlie:
Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?

Mac:
Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!

Charlie:
Since when?

Mac:
You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!

Dennis:
Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!

Charlie:
Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--

Mac:
Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!

Charlie:
What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?

Dennis:
Dude, you hosed yourself down!

Mac:
You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!

Charlie:
C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?

Mac:
I don't care!

Dennis:
Yeah, get a job!

Charlie:
Oh, get a job?

Mac:
Yeah!

Charlie:
Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

Charlie:
I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.

Mac:
Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.

Charlie:
Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.

Dennis:
That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...

Charlie:
How are you going to be wood?

Dennis:
Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.

Frank:
Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?

Dennis:
A twink is small and slender, like Mac.

Mac:
Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.

Dennis:
Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.

Frank:
Smooth. I would be a bear.

Dennis:
No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.

Frank:
I'd be a top, that's for sure.

Mac:
Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?

Dennis:
I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power-bottoms.

Frank:
What's a power-bottom?

Mac:
A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.

Dennis:
Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.

Frank:
Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?

Mac:
Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.

Dennis:
Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?

(notices that Corporate Guy has left)

Mac:
Goddammit!

Waitress:
Dennis!

Dennis:
Ooh, hey.

Waitress:
[Flirtatiously] Hehe, hi.

Dennis:
Ha, so listen, first let me apologize for never calling you back, ever. Second, I was applying here and maybe you could, you know, help me out.

Waitress:
Ooh, hehe...well, um, why don't I just go get you an app...

Dennis:
...App...lication and uniform?

Waitress:
Hehe, yeah!

Dennis:
Ha ha, that's weird that we said that at the same time.

Waitress:
Hehe, I know! Well I'll be back and, yeah.

Dennis:
All righty.

Waitress:
Hehe, um, yeah. Hehe, yeah, bye.

Dennis:
Ha ha, bye.[Waitress walks out] What's her name again?

Charlie:
I hate you.

Dee:
I have been taking this place up the butt with a little thing I like to call "Dee's Double-Drop."

Dennis:
So you're doing the double-drop here too?

Dee:
You know about that?

Dennis:
Yeah, we always used to take the difference out of your purse.

Dee:
I'm not asking you to do anything, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.

(Cut to the front of the bookstore. Frank and his gang buddies are playing jacks while Mac looks on in bewilderment and disgust.)

Mac (sarcastic):
This is very intimidating, Frank.

Frank:
Don't worry, we're sending out an strong message, Mac, don't you worry. (A man and his kids walk by.)

Man:
Hey, look, kids, it's a 50's doo-wop group.

Mac (does a double take):
What?! No, we're not a 50's doo-wop group!

Man:
Hey, listen, would you sing us a song?

Mac (annoyed):
We don't sing, guy!

Frank:
Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing, we'll sing for you. Right, boys?

Mac (dumbfounded):
You guys sing?!

Frank:
Of course, we sing! We're a gang!

Mac:
No, no, no, no, gangsters don't sing!

Frank:
What're you talking about? You ever hear of gangster rap?

Mac:
we're not gonna intimidate anybody if we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood!

Frank:
Listen to this: (They break out into song.)

Coast on, Yellow Jacket Boys,

Buzz-Buzz-Bumble,

They don't pay for sodapop,

'Cause they really rumble

(As they sing, it slowly dawns on Mac that he's hitched his cart to the wrong star...again. One of the children puts money in the still-full cup of coffee he was drinking out of. He's had it.)

Mac:
Goddammit! (He walks away.) Goddammit!

(Cut to the restaurant.)

Dennis:
Guess what? I just topped myself for most phone numbers in one day--nine.

Dee (high-fiving him):
Nine? Come on. Six strawberry margaritas, please. (Charlie and the Waitress come up. Charlie is clearly gloating about something.)

Charlie:
Uh, don't make 'em, 'cause you won't have your jobs much longer. Corporate's on their way down here right now to fire your asses!

Dee:
What?! You told on us?

Dennis (hurt):
Babe, don't do that to me! I feel like we were getting so close, sweet baby--

Charlie:
He doesn't even know your name!

Dennis:
Yes, I do!

Waitress:
What's my name, what is it? (There is a pause while Dennis tries to figure out a way to bullshit his way out of this one.)

Dennis:
Beautiful. (It didn't work.)

Waitress (disgusted):
Oh, my God! You're a dick!

Dennis:
That's what I call you all the time. Would you not want to be called "beautiful"? (Corporate Guy enters.)

Corporate Guy:
Are one of you guys the one that called me? (Charlie turns to face him.)

Charlie (raising his hand):
Uh, right here. These two (points to Dennis and Dee) are the ones who were stealing.

Corporate Guy:
Hey, I know you...(points at Dennis)...and you. You're the ones who run that dive bar down the street!

Charlie:
Yeah, and you're the corporate dude with the helicopter.

Corporate Guy:
Right. Here's the thing--I had a really strange night last night. Your friends and their doo-wop group, they showed up at my house and tried to attack me. One of them died on my doorstep, and it sorta put me in a funk. So I'm gonna clean house, and you're all fired. (The Gang is taken aback, but the Waitress is incredibly smug.)

Waitress (gloating):
You guys are all fired. I'm not fired. I'm not fired, right?

Corporate Guy:
Did you hire these people? (Various affirmations from the Gang.)

Charlie:
She hired me.

Corporate Guy:
Well, then, clearly you're an idiot, because these people are psychopaths. (sarcastic) But no, you're not fired. (beat) I'm just kidding, you are. Get the hell out of my restaurant. (He walks out.)

Waitress (turning on Charlie):
Goddammit, Charlie! Really?! Now how am I gonna pay for my rent next month, huh?

Charlie:
Don't worry about it, you can come and live with me, all right? (He reaches out to her, but she rejects him.)

Waitress:
GO TO HELL!!! (She storms off.)

Dee:
That's a bad idea, whenever you get involved, someone gets hurt.

Frank:
I'm just palling around with the guys, how's anyone gonna get hurt?

[Cue episode title]

Charlie:
Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?

Mac:
See, that was real news.

Charlie:
Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?

Mac:
Yes.

Dennis:
Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

[In a retirement home]

Mac:
These places are like prison...

Frank:
Like people getting their ass raped?

Charlie:
What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!

Mac:
No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...

Frank:
Because they're getting their ass raped!

Mac:
The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!

Charlie:
Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?

Mac:
And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.

Charlie:
Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.

Mac:
Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands

Charlie:
Yeah! And then there's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit and Kurt Russell fights him.

Dee (furious):
I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!

Charlie:
Well, somebody had to do it!

Mac:
Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!

Dee:
You set me on fire!

Frank':
We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!

Mac:
Just barely!

Frank:
We put you out!

Charlie:
Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)

Dee:
Well, I do look kinda heroic--

Mac:
What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!

Dee:
I WAS ON FIRE!

Charlie (mimicking Dee):
I was on fire!

Frank (annoyed):
We gotta shoot this shit again!

Charlie (dismissively):
Yeah, like fire hurts...

Dee (from inside the warehouse):
It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here!

Frank:
Uh-huh! (he tosses the match into the warehouse and runs)

Frank:
People love well stories!

Dee:
Really?

Frank:
Yeah!

Dee:
I don't know. That well thing seems a little played-out. I mean, who gets stuck in a well anymore?

Mac:
Kittens do!

Dee:
Kittens? You put those kitties down there?

Mac:
Well...

Dee (annoyed):
Oh, man, okay, I'll do it! Just don't set it on fire, okay? I think this is dangerous enough!

Frank:
Deandra, use your head! How are we gonna set a well on fire?

Mac:
It's filled with water. Save the kittens!

Dee:
I'm going! (She gets into the well)

Mac:
Save the day! (Frank and Mac start to walk away.)

Frank (motioning to Mac):
Gimme the matches.

Mac (handing Frank the matchbox):
Yep...

Dee I found the kittens! (Frank tosses something into the well and runs. Annoyed) Oh, come on! (Another explosion, and Dee starts screaming again.)

Frank:
Now, it's all good up to right here--

Mac:
She throws the kittens in every take!

Charlie:
Aw, man, she loves to ruin, and ruin, and ruin, and ruin!

Charlie:
OK, all right, I'm ready to rock.

Mac:
And who are you supposed to be?

Charlie:
Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]

Mac:
Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?

Charlie:
No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.

Mac :
Whatever, let's just rock.

Frank:
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.

Charlie:
All right, where's my curtain?

Mac:
Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.

Charlie:
I want a curtain blocking my face.

Mac:
You don't need one.

Frank:
[to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.

Charlie:
All right, ready.

Frank:
5, 6, 7, 8!

Charlie:
[singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man. (At first, Mac and Frank appear to be cool with Charlie's lyrics, but when he starts in with the second part, they both stop playing and look at Charlie as if to say, "What the hell is this shit?")

Mac:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?

Charlie:
It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.

Mac:
But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.

Charlie:
What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.

Mac:
We need a new front man...

Charlie:
[singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]

Dennis:
[Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.

Charlie:
Hello, come right in!

Dennis:
I will.

Charlie:
What happened to your band?

Dennis:
Kicked me out.

Charlie:
[laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?

Dennis:
Hm. What's with the curtains?

Charlie:
I'm living in a world of darkness.

Dennis:
Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?

Charlie:
Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]

Dennis:
Why don't we put the curtains back up...

Charlie:
No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]

Dennis:
I never know, man.

Charlie:
[singing] Day...Day Man...Fighter of the...Night Man...Champion of the..

Dennis:
[also singing] ...Sun!

Charlie:
You're the master of karate...

Dennis:
And friendship! For everyone.

Charlie:
Day Man...

Dennis:
Oooh-ahhhhhh!

Charlie:
Fighter of the Night Man...

Dennis:
Oooh-ahhhhhh!

Charlie and Dennis:
[together] Champion of the sun...oooh-ahhhhhh. You're the master of karate and friendship to everyone...

Dee:
Well, I just broke up with Kevin!

Mac:
Dee, we're trying to practice!

Dee:
I can't do it! I can't get it out of my head! I don't know if he's retarded or not, but I can't stop thinking about it!

Dennis:
Dee, we're trying to have band practice here!

Dee:
I mean, I was gonna ride this guy to the top, you know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos!

Dennis:
Look, the guy's not retarded, okay?

(beat)

Dee:
What?!

Dennis:
Yeah, I was just saying that to mess with you.

Dee:
Why? Why would you do something like that?

Dennis:
I thought it'd be funny.

Dee:
It's not funny! It's not funny at all! This guy's perfect for me, and you've gone and blown it! You've ruined everything! You are a bad, bad person.

(points at Dennis' jumpsuit)

Dee:
Ewww, (trounces out)

Dennis:
All right! Ready, guys?

Mac:
So, that guy's not retarded?

Dennis:
Oh no, he's totally retarded.

Lil' Kev:
[rapping] Let me tell y'all a story bout a girl I knew,

A broke-ass bitch with a gay-ass crew.

She said that I was cute, she said that I was funny,

But the honey couldn't stop lookin' at my money,

Busted old lady with a flat tiny ass,

Body like a skeleton in science class,

Face beat up by the School of Hard Knocks,

Hair so fried and bleached by Clorox,

Its like she's skinny, fat in all the wrong places,

Mothers gotta cover they babies faces,

When she walks by people think she's Godzilla,

Straight outa Compton y'all, naw, straight outa Thrilla,

Lookin' like a zombie, walkin' like a chicken,

Mouth full of shit, that's why her breath be stinkin',

Just one question Dee, before you take your bow:

"This gravy train's leavin, so who's retarded now?"

Li'l Kev:
Later, biatch!

Dennis:
(thoughfully): I don't think that guy's retarded...

Frank:
Charlie's right! We shouldn't be breakin' our shit! We should be out there breakin' other peoples' shit! That's rock and roll!

Frank:
How did you guys get a hotel room without puttin' a credit card down?

Mac:
We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)

Frank (sitting up):
Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?

Mac:
Yeah.

Frank (panicked):
You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?

Mac:
Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)

Frank:
We gotta put this stuff back together again!

Mac:
What?

Frank:
Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!

Charlie:
Glue is for huffing, dude!

Frank:
Gimme the glue!

Mac:
It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!

Frank:
THIS IS NOT ROCK AND ROLL!

Sweet Dee:
Hold on, hang on! You did not get that point down there! That was my point! That was my point! Retarded, two, Normal, one!

Dennis:
She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!

Sweet Dee:
Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!

Dennis (ticking off the items):
Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!

Dee:
Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!

Dennis:
Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!

Mac:
(To his pre-op transsexual girlfriend) It's not that I'm ashamed of you, it's that I'm ashamed of myself.

Frank:
I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.

Dee:
What?

Dennis:
Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?

Frank:
Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.

Dennis:
He makes less and less sense as the days go by.

Sweet Dee:
I don't get it...at all.

Charlie:
Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?

Mac:
What? No!

Charlie:
Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.

Mac:
Let who out?

Charlie:
The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!

Mac:
I'm not a serial killer!

Frank:
Then why all the shady behavior?

Mac:
I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!

Charlie:
No, you've been...what?!

Dee:
Ewww. Oh, I don't even know how that works, oh, God...

Frank:
Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.

Charlie:
Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?

Frank:
Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. A bang-maid.

Dennis:
Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?

Timmy:
I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.

Wendell:
All right, I get it.

Timmy:
He's silly. He's a tickle monster!

Wendell:
Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?

Timmy:
He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.

(Both Dee and Dennis wince)

Wendell:
Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.

Dee:
Yeah, I think that ought to do it.

Dennis:
Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?

Wendell:
Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]

Frank (threateningly):
Stay away from my bang-maid!

Charlie:
Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!

Mac:
No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--

(stops dead when he realizes what that means)

Charlie:
Ohhh, dude....

Mac (panicked):
That doesn't sound good!

Charlie:
No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...

Mac:
--I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.

Charlie (leaping forward):
WHAT?!!

Mac:
Charlie.

Charlie:
Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS! (begins to scream)

Dee:
What about you, Dennis?

Dennis:
Well I...

Frank:
Dennis is a prostitute now.

Mac:
Good.

Dennis:
No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?

Frank:
Yes, he is.

Dennis:
There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.

Mac:
To dudes?

Charlie:
To guys or...

Dennis:
No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.

Mac:
Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.

Charlie:
Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.

Dee:
What?!

Charlie:
Yes, I did.

Dee:
No, you didn't.

Charlie:
I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?

Dee:
[to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Charlie:
Well how 'bout this, first I have to deal with this problem with the mob, you know how that is.

Buster:
Oh sure.

Charlie:
So once I'm done with that, I'm coming back for that horse, because I feel like we had a connection.

Buster:
Ohh thats what I like to hear, you and that horse together it's perfect so come on you old son-of-a-gun and hey, while your at it let Buster do a line off your boner!

Charlie:
Wwwwwhhhhoooo...[Gets up and walks away]

Dennis:
You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!

Frank:
I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.

[He slaps Dennis again]

Dennis:
Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?

Frank:
Don't talk back to me.

Dennis:
OK, sorry.

Frank:
Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.

Dennis:
You promise?

Frank:
I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK?

Dennis:
OK.

Dee:
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Rickety Cricket:
Watch out for the crackheads. They WILL cut you.

Charlie:
I love you Peter Nincompoop! I miss you...already!

Rickety Cricket:
You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.

Frank:
Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!

Rickety Cricket:
Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!

Mac:
Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.

Rickety Cricket:
Thanks I'm almost done!

Charlie & Dee:
Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!

Frank:
How you guys doin?

Charlie & Dee:
Oh we're doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out, we got all the cocaine.

Mac:
Well OK, but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.

Dee:
Oooh I tell you what, I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]

Charlie:
Whoa, where'd you get a gun?

Dee:
Ooh went back to Bingo.

Charlie:
Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]

Mac:
Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!

Dee:
I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!

Frank:
And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!

Mac:
We are not gonna come out blasting! Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you people?! Look we can still get out of this if we just...calm...doowwwwn!

Mafia Member:
Oh! These guys!

Gang:
Oh! Aay!

Don:
All right, it's Friday. Where's my money?

Frank:
Does anybody got a light?

Mac:
What the hell are you doing here, dude?

Dennis:
I'm working, what're you doing?

Mac:
You cannot seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!

Dennis:
No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.

Mac (incredulous)':
What did Frank do to you?

Dennis:
Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.

Mac (does a double-take):
What?! (Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)

Frank (motioning to Mac):
Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!

Mac:
No, Frank, he cannot bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!

Frank:
What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's bangin' a hoor? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)

Mac:
Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)

Frank:
GO!

Mac (grabbing Dennis):
Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis) STAY!

Frank (hits Dennis again):
GO!

Mac (hitting Dennis again):
STAY!

Frank:
GET UP THERE!

Mac:
STAY!

Frank:
NOW!

Mac:
STAY!

Frank:
NOW!

Mac':
STAY!

Frank:
RIGHT!

Mac:
YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!

Frank:
NOW!

Dennis:
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second!

Frank (nervous):
You see? This is bad! You got him thinkin' for himself again!

Frannie (from the top of the stairs):
What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs!

Dennis (after a few seconds):
No.

Frannie:
Get your ass back in the bedroom.

Dennis (stronger):
I'm outta here. (Dennis walks out.)

Frannie:
And what about you, Pussy Hands?

Mac (taken aback):
Me? Oh, no, I would never sleep with you, you're gross.

Rickety Cricket (singing while pounding on his "drums"):
They broke my legs, but they didn't break my spirit! And I can't feel the pain 'cause I found more cocaine! Co-CAINE! (Peter Nincompoop gallops down the street behind him)

[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]

Dennis:
Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

Frank:
Masturbating Bums are bad for Business.

Mac:
The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!

Dee (beating on a bum with a baton):
You like that, bitch, huh? (She throws the bum into the trashcans, picks up a trashcan lid and starts bashing him over the head with it.) I am not your little pinup-girl for you to tug your rotten pecker at!

Bum:
You crazy bitch! (Dee kicks him in the ass as he runs away from her.)

Dee:
I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

Charlie:
Well, I taped over the Spin Doctors mix!

Charlie:
No, I put the bar under the pride section.

Dee:
No you put the bar under the prize section!

Dennis:
Well, what are we gonna do?!

Frank:
We're gonna dance our asses off!!

Mac:
I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.

Charlie:
Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?

Mac:
I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.

Charlie:
Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

Dennis:
Glad that went well. Now that's settled I'm gonna go get in that chick's pants now.

Mac:
I thought they were engaged, dude.

Dennis:
Yeah, engaged, come on that's just a word, doesn't mean anything.

Mac:
It means they're getting married.

Dennis:
Ahh married...engaged...ahh just words. You know my parents were married and engaged once, you saw how that worked out. All right I'm gonna go bang that chick. Enjoy wearing that keg for the rest of the competition.

Mac:
What's up bitches?

Dennis:
Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?

Mac:
Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.

Dee:
Looks like a shit ball.

Mac:
No! It's an energy bar.

Dee:
Why's it so heavy and big?

Mac:
Because it's full of vitamins and shit.

Dee:
Aww! Not only did I get Charlie to eat a drug filled brownie. I got everybody in here to do it. OK? Pretty soon people are going to be dropping like flies and it's just gonna be me and you two jerks. Good luck with those kegs boners.

Charlie:
Bitch.

Dennis:
You put the bar up as a prize?

Charlie:
No, check again - I put the bar under the pride section, the things that you're proud of.

Dennis:
Pride section?

Dee:
It's a Z, Charlie - prize!

Frank:
Didn't you read that goddamn thing?

Charlie:
I gave it a once-over!

Mac:
Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie.

Charlie:
Your illiteracy is screwing us, man!