Rescue Me, Season 1

Tommy:
You want to know how big my balls are? My balls are bigger than two of your heads duct-taped together. I've been in the middle of shit that would make you piss your pants right now. Uptown, downtown, Harlem, Brooklyn. But there ain't no medals on my chest, assholes, 'cause I ain't no hero. I'm a fireman. We're not in the business of making heroes here. We're in the business of discovering cowards, 'cause that's what you are if you can't take the heat. You're a pussy, and there ain't no room for pussies in the FDNY. [to a snickering recruit in the first row] What are you laughing at, shithead? Huh? What's so god damn funny?

Recruit:
I just... .

Tommy:
Shut up! You speak when spoken to. You pussies better pray you don't get assigned to my firehouse. Because I have seen it all. I knew sixty men who gave their lives at Ground Zero. Sixty. Four of them from my house. Vito Castella... found him almost whole. Ricky Davis... found him almost whole, hugging a civilian woman. Bobby Vincent... found his head. And my cousin, Jimmy Keefe, my best friend. You know what they found of him? What I was able to bring back and give to his parents? A finger. That's all. A finger. These four men were better human beings and better firefighters than any of you will ever be.

Firefighting Class Instructor:
Say "thank you," firefighting upper class!

Firefighting Upper Class:
Thank you, Firefighter Gavin, sir!

[After everyone gets up and leaves]

Tommy:
Look, Doc...

Dr. Goldberg:
Oh, you don't need to explain, I was at another firehouse last night and the reaction was quite similar.

Tommy:
The guys, uh, they're not gonna talk to a psychotherapist in the firehouse, especially not uh, female one.

Dr. Goldberg:
What about the female firefighters?

Tommy:
We don't have any female firefighters in this house.

Dr. Goldberg:
Are you threatened by women?

Tommy:
No.

Dr. Goldberg:
You-- you don't seem to think that a woman can be a firefighter.

Tommy:
I'll tell you what, it's not about being a man or a woman, okay? It's about doing the job. It's about me getting home safe and sound in the morning to see my kids, okay? So, you got a woman who can do the job better than the guys on my crew? Bring her on. You know? You got a martian, or a cyborg, or a Chinaman that can do the job, bring them on too.

Dr. Goldberg:
Are there any Chinese firefighters?

Tommy:
Yeah, probably. Somewhere in... China.

Dr. Goldberg:
I'm sensing a lot of hostility.

Tommy:
You are very, very perceptive.

Dr. Goldberg':
That's what they tell me.

[Tommy is laying money out on the table]

Tommy:
Alright, we're going to play a little game because Daddy needs to know some information on Mommy's new boyfriend. Alright?

[they all are silent]

Katy:
But Mommy doesn't want us to talk about that.

Tommy:
I understand that, sweetheart. That's why we have the money.

Franco:
We have sex with woman who ain't our wives and we make every detail available to the other guys.

Tommy:
Yeah, well, maybe I'm a gentleman.

Chief:
Yeah, and I'm growing tits.

Tommy:
Hey, you should check a mirror, pal.

Jimmy:
All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's review. Why are you two separated?

Tommy:
According to her?

Jimmy:
Yeah.

Tommy:
You know, I... she says I couldn't open up, I wasn't emotionally available, blah, blah, blah.

[Talking about a fireman who retired and them came out of the closet, and also claims to know more gay firemen]

Sean:
Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?

Chief Reilly, Franco, Lou, and Tommy:
No.

Sean:
Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.

Lou:
What?

Tommy:
My daughter used that term last week.

Franco:
The teenager?

Tommy:
The eight-year-old.

Chief Reilly:
What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?

Mike:
It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?

Sean:
No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.

Tommy:
Holy shit.

Chief Reilly:
Shoppin' for food?

Mike:
Nice food.

Sean:
Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?

Franco:
Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.

Sean:
It's not like a gay thing...

Mike:
It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.

Chief Reilly:
Enough. Enough.

Mike:
Male bikini waxes.

Chief Reilly:
Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)

Lou:
What the hell's a male bikini wax?

Sean:
That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.

Franco:
Ow.

Lou:
[in a pained voice] Why?

Mike:
Chicks dig it.

Franco:
Chicks dig us shaving our balls?

Mike:
[about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.

Franco:
A ball wax?

Sean:
Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.

Franco:
So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"

Tommy:
Let me tell you something, okay?

Janet:
Hey, don't you threaten me.

Tommy:
If I want to threaten you, I will! Okay? You start a shit storm about my kids with me, you take 'em anywhere you want, I will hunt you down and I will find you. Four corners of the Earth, I will find you and I will take those kids back. That's not a threat, that's a goddamn promise, bitch.

Tommy:
What is it with these gay people? They're everywhere now: sitcoms, movies. You see the thing in the paper about same sex marriage?

Chief Reilly:
Same sex marriages? Hey, right now I'd settle for a "some" sex marriage.

Tommy:
No, I'll tell ya, brother. I am pro-lesbian. I am a big supporter of the lesbian community.

Jimmy:
Really?

Tommy:
Yeah, I wish my daughter was a lesbian.

Jimmy:
Which one?

Tommy:
Both. Why don't they have a pill for that?

Sean:
I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.

Franco:
Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.

Sean:
What does that mean?

Franco:
Nothing.

Sean:
No, what does that mean?

Franco:
It was a joke, Sean.

Sean:
Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?

Franco:
No.

Sean:
Arms? What?

Franco:
I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.

Sean:
You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.

Lou:
Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?

Sean:
He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.

Lou:
Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.

Tommy:
What is that?

Colleen:
What, the cookies?

Tommy:
No. Below the cookies, peeking out of your pants, and it better not be a tattoo because if it is a tattoo, you're not gonna see the light of day ever again.

Colleen:
It's not like it's huge.

Tommy:
Move the cookies. [she moves them] Oh my, god. What the hell?

Colleen:
It's a shamrock.

Tommy:
I can see it's a shamrock.

Colleen:
You're always saying that we should be proud of being Irish.

Tommy:
You wanna be proud you're Irish? Wave a flag, march in a parade, have 100 kids ... not yet. Oh my god.

Colleen:
It's not that big of a deal, Mom has a tattoo on her butt.

Tommy:
How do you know that?

Colleen:
She showed me.

Tommy:
She showed you? Jesus Christ. [groans] I'll tell ya' what, you're gonna get rid of that yourself, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you.

Colleen:
How?

Tommy:
I'm sure Black & Decker has some kind of attachment.

Colleen:
It's my body. You can't tell me what to do with it.

Tommy:
Oh, really? Let me just remind you of a couple things, okay? When you turn 18 years old, you can move out of this house and you can get a flower tattooed on your ass, and a rainbow tattooed on your tits, but until then as long as you live under my roof, you play by my rules. No tattoos.

Colleen:
I didn't get it while I was living under your roof, I got it while I was living under Mom's.

Phyllis:
You don't need to lie to me, either. What are you doing?

Lou:
Okay... You want the truth?

Phyllis:
Yeah.

Lou:
I've been writing poetry.

Phyllis:
What?

Lou:
Poetry. Since... just after 9/11. It's kind of been, I don't know, my therapy, I guess. I don't know.

Phyllis:
Writing poetry?

Lou:
Yeah.

Phyllis:
Oh my God, why couldn't it have been the porn?

[Tommy pays his nephew for sending a computer virus to Roger]

Tommy:
[sighs] I could only get 300 bucks out of the ATM.

Damian:
That's okay. You can owe me the rest. I trust you.

Tommy:
You know what, kid? I was at your christening and I didn't drown you, okay? So let's think about who owes who. All right?

Chief Reilly:
I didn't come here the other night looking for a fight. And I didn't come tonight looking for one either. I came to talk to that Teff guy. Well, he started the fight. He threw the first punch. You saw him do that. And I know a couple other guys in there saw it too.

Vinny:
So?

Chief Reilly:
So, uh... I mean it's possible I... I might need a witness and I was hoping you'd, you know, do the right thing.

Vinny:
You know, funny thing about gay bashers: they're all tough guys until they get caught.

Chief Reilly:
I never--

Vinny:
I saw what every other guy in the place saw. You threw the first punch.

Janet:
[at the hospital] Tommy, I can't get any answers in there.

Tommy:
You know what? [grabs her arm and pushes her against the building, and pins her there] Hey, what did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you?

Janet:
Get the hell off of me!

Tommy:
I told you to get your priorities straight, huh. Get your shit together. You wanted to be in charge of the kids, and what happened? She's lying in a hospital bed while you're trying to get laid with you loser goddamn boyfriend! [they shove each other and he finally lets her go]

Janet:
And where have you been?!

Tommy:
Where was I? At work! Paying your goddamn bills!

Janet:
Tommy, this isn't about our bullshit. This is about our little girl in there.

Tommy:
Don't tell me.

Janet:
Goddamn you, Tommy.

Tommy:
It's on your head!

Father Mickey:
Tom, I, uh, I don't know what you want me to say.

Tommy:
Mick... I want you to say that it's all... it's bullshit. You know? There is no plan, there is no map. There's no golden ring at the end of the ride. It's just... bullshit. You know? [sighs] I want you to take away the hope, man, that's the thing that's killing me. You know,it's just... it's like, uh... I'm just hanging here, man. Hope is making me think I can fix my marriage, you know? The day of Jimmy's funeral... you stood up on that altar and you said, "Sometimes we don't know why God does the things that he does." But I'm telling you... Mick... if he takes my little girl tonight... I'm going to want to know why.

Father Mickey:
That's why you got to hold on to the hope, Tom. 'Cause in the end, that's all we got left.

Tommy:
You remember that blonde that we met at the Bubble Bar last month? You were with me, right?

Franco:
Yeah, yeah. The one you banged that night?

Tommy:
Actually, I've been banging her ever since, but I don't know her name.

Franco:
Damn. How're you pulling that off?

Tommy:
Well, it's like a late night booty-call. Not a lot of conversation, you know?

Franco:
Yeah, those are the best.

Tommy:
Well, I gotta come up with a name soon, man.

Franco:
Yeah. You know what? You could do that thing where you introduce her to somebody. You say the other person's name but not hers, and then she has to say "Hi, I'm..." Fill in the blank.

Tommy:
Never gonna work.

Franco:
Why not?

Tommy:
Because I never take this chick out in public.

Franco:
Ah, yeah.

Tommy:
See?

Franco:
Yeah, you got yourself a real goddamn dilemma there.

Tommy:
Yeah, broads. It's not enough that you're bangin' 'em like crazy, now you gotta know their names.

Lou:
Wait a minute, you passed on a three way? Was she hot?

Mike:
Way hot.

Lou:
What're you nuts?

Mike:
Lou, I would have to had sex in front of another guy.

Lou:
So block him out.

Mike:
But what if I get hit with friendly fire?

Lou:
Well, make sure you're done first and then get the hell out of the way. Jesus, it's true what they say: Three-ways, like youth, are wasted on the young.

Franco:
[On the phone, Franco is in a club with two girls by him] So, it's, uh, it's Nancy or Lauren, huh? I don't know, man, she didn't look like a Nancy to me. I'd go with Lauren.

Tommy:
I kinda secretly was hoping she was a Nancy.

Franco:
Why's that?

Tommy:
'Cause Nancy's give better head.

Franco:
Oh, you've researched that?

Tommy:
Uh, basing it on the two Nancy's that I've known.

Franco:
So, uh, you been with a Lauren?

Tommy:
Uh, one.

Franco:
Oh, yeah? And the head was uh...

Tommy:
Look, there's no such thing as bad head, it's just a matter of degrees.

Franco:
Yeah, agreed. [to the girls next to him] Uh, girls what're you're names?

Heather:
Heather.

Brittney:
Brittney.

Franco:
[to Tommy] What about Heather and Brittney? Where do those two names fall on the chart?

Tommy:
Heather and Brittney I'd say... top 3.

Franco:
Oh, yeah. It's my night.

[Tommy has just read an "anonymous" poem]

Franco:
Holy shit.

Sean:
Wow.

Lou:
Powerful.

Tommy:
Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.

Lou:
I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.

Tommy:
Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.

Sean:
Angie Dickinson.

Tommy:
Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?

Franco:
Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson, The Belle of Amherst.

Sean:
Right.

Tommy:
You know poetry?

Franco:
Nah, I jacked off to a picture of her once when I was 11.

Tommy:
By the way, in the future, when you have something you wrote and you want me to read it, just bring it to me. I'll sit down, I'll read it, I'll digest it and I'll give you the most honest assessment that I can.

Lou:
You'd do that?

Tommy:
For you?

Lou:
Yeah.

Tommy:
No.

Franco:
You don't do that, Sean. You don't bang a guy's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, or his sister without his permission. And I mean crystal-goddamn-clear permission.

Sean:
You haven't even spoken to her, in like, five years.

Franco:
Guys?

Tommy:
You broke the rules.

Lou:
Big time.

Sean:
Wh--? Ho-- How? Explain to me how. [Lou interrupts him] Let me finish my -- [Lou interrupts him again] Can I at least-- [Lou interrupts him]

Tommy:
Look, you run into a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.

Lou:
Yes.

Tommy:
You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and...

Lou:
[makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.

Tommy:
A little bit of titty action. You can even grab guy's sister's ass in a bar that the guy actually happens to be in.

Lou:
Yes, you could.

Tommy:
And it's all explainable under the giant umbrella of the huge, 'Sorry-I-Was-Drunk' rule.

Lou:
Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over and never argued.

Tommy:
Never argued. Which was why the rule was created by the way, by the... Romans?

Lou:
Ah, even earlier than that, my friend: the Druids.

Sean:
Listen, Franco didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Lou:
He just doesn't get it.

Tommy:
[counting on his fingers]: Look, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands] No pussy!

Tommy:
[to Janet, about Colleen] Did you even know she was going to the city with the Murphy Kid that night, let alone joyriding around Manhattan with him? And I'll bet my left nut that that kid's on drugs. Did you hear what I said? I said my left nut, which just happens to be my favorite nut.

Guy:
Are you Tommy Gavin?

Tommy:
Yeah, who's askin'?

Guy:
We're Roger's friends.

Tommy:
Well, that's your problem, not mine. [the three guys form a circle around him] What? What are you guys gonna do? Audit me? [they beat him up]

Lou:
How many were there?

Tommy:
Three. They got me outside the bar.

Lou:
Did they do any damage?

Tommy:
Come on. They work on Wall Street the worst they can give me is a paper cut.

Tommy:
I'll take the high road.

Lou:
Huh. You?

Tommy:
Okay, maybe not the high road but certainly not the lowest road.

Lou:
Which is where you normally travel.

Tommy:
Hey, you kiddin' me? I drew up the original maps.

[After they bet Sean that he couldn't get to first base and he did with a transvestite, although he doesn't know that she is one]

Tommy:
Well, the thing is uh, we uh... We wanna go double or nothin'.

Chief Reilly:
Oh, god.

Sean:
Wait, wait, wait. What's the bet?

Tommy:
80 bucks says you can't close the deal by the weekend.

Sean:
What you mean sleep with her?

Tommy:
Full penetration. Before the weekend.

Sean:
Yeah, I don't know.

Tommy:
Come on. I thought you had game, big shot.

Sean:
I do. I got game. I-- I just don't wanna rush it. It's just something about this girl, she's-- she's different.

Chief Reilly:
No shit.

Chief Reilly:
Oh, God.

Sean:
Yeah. It was somethin' that she was doin' with her mouth. I don't know what it was but it was all...wet. [Chief looks like he's gonna puke] What's wrong? Are you okay? [Chief walks towards the bathroom]

Tommy:
He had a bad sandwich this afternoon.

[Telling the Chief how he found out that the girl he was seeing is a transvestite, he found out when he was getting a blow job]'

Chief Reilly:
Man, you must have freaked out.

Sean:
Yeah, yeah. It was pretty weird but I didn't want to make a big scene so once he was through I told him---

Chief Reilly:
Wait, hold on a second. After he was through? You mean you let him finish the knob job?

Sean:
Well, the guy was givin' me a blow-job, Chief. I didn't wanna be rude.

Chief Reilly:
I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.

'[Janet is drunk and kisses Tommy]

Tommy:
And what are we doing?

Janet:
We're gonna go upstairs.

Tommy:
Oh, we are?

Janet:
Mm hmm.

Tommy:
Okay. Now, not that I don't wanna go upstairs, but okay, where are we going with this?

Janet:
What, you don't want me?

Tommy:
No, that's not what I said. I did not say that. What --

Janet:
Tommy, we were always at our best [kisses him] when we were in bed. A million problems everywhere else, but in bed... [kisses him] Come on.

Tommy:
Alright.

Tommy:
What're you ladies talking about?

Franco:
The firefighter calender. I'm doing it again this year.

Sean:
Yeah, he gets to choose his own month.

Tommy:
Great.

Mike:
So what month are you going for?

Sean:
I'd try for February. Work that whole Valentine's Day thing.

Franco:
Nah, common mistake. Shortest month of the year.

Mike:
So, what's a good month?

Franco:
Well, you definitely don't wanna be December. Nobody pays attention to you until the last 30 days of the year. You wanna be in the first four or five months to maximize booty potential. I'm thinkin' April, May, in there, you know? It's spring. Winter clothes are comin' off. Chicks are thinkin' about gettin' laid.

Mike:
Yeah? Interesting.

Franco:
Yeah, it's a science, and I'm the mad scientist.

Lou:
Two grand for a porch?

Franco:
Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?

Chief:
Who is this guy? The king of chumps?

Tommy:
Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?

Lou:
Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.

Tommy:
Franco?

Franco:
In.

Mike:
I'll do it.

Tommy:
Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.

Lou:
Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.

Tommy:
And you gotta buy the beer.

Franco:
Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.

Mike:
Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.

Tommy:
Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.

Janet:
Tommy, nothing's changed.

Tommy:
I didn't come over to you last night, you came lookin' for-- and now you're going to tell me that it shouldn't have happened?

Janet:
I was drunk, I was frustrated. I'm tired of being alone.

Tommy:
You're not alone, okay? I live across the street. Which you gladly took advantage of last night.

Janet:
But you don't understand. I need something more-- something that I can't get from you. [Tommy makes a face] Yes, the sex was great. But the sex is always great with us, Tommy. We've never had a problem connecting on a physical level, but an emotional level--

Tommy:
Oh, Jesus Christ. I knew that was what you were going to say!

Janet:
Hey, I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of being this lonely.

Tommy:
You know what? You're nuts, you should see a shrink because you are--

Janet:
I am sorry.

Tommy:
You're sorry? Bullshit. You come over my house. You lure me into bed, you bang me, you get my hopes up and now you're sorry?

Janet:
I wanted to see if it still worked.

Tommy:
If what worked? My dick?

Lou:
Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.

Tommy:
So...?

Lou:
So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.

Franco:
Oh god, I just caught a chill.

Tommy:
How old?

Lou:
I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.

Sean:
Wow, really?

Lou:
Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?

Mike:
Huh?

Tommy:
Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?

Lou:
And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.

Mike:
Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.

Sean:
Well, that's nothin' in dog years.

Franco:
Yeah, which probably applies to her.

Chief Reilly:
What're you guys talking about?

Sean:
Nothing.

Lou:
Eight and a smidgen of what?

Mike:
Well, last night I was watchin' TV and there was nothin' on really so I---

Sean:
Cut to the chase.

Mike:
And I got a hard-on and I was lookin' at it and I was thinkin' about jerkin' off and--

Sean:
Would you cut to the chase?

Mike:
Well, there was a ruler on the table and I kinda --

Sean:
He measured his cock.

Chief Reilly:
You measured your cock?

Lou:
And it was eight inches?

Mike:
Well, mine was seven and a half... almost. His was eight.

Sean:
Well, eight and a titch.

Franco:
I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.

Mike:
Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]

Sean:
Huge.

Chief:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?

Tommy:
Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.

Chief:
Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?

[Mike and Sean exchange looks]

Sean:
Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Chief Reilly:
Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.

Mike:
Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.

Chief Reilly:
Almost.

Mike:
Shit.

Sean:
I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.

Chief Reilly:
Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?

Mike:
You gonna measure yours?

Chief Reilly:
I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.

Tommy:
Chief, I got a question.

Chief Reilly:
And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.

Tommy:
Really?

Chief:
Girth?

Tommy:
Ha. Exactly.

Sean:
Wait. What? Girth.

Tommy:
Circumference, asshole.

Lou:
That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.

Sean:
Well, you know uh, Chief. I really don't think this whole measuring from the top thing is really right, I mean who invented that? I mean you lose and inch, it's not really fair.

Chief Reilly:
From the pubic bone to the tip. 'Cause that's all that enters the vagina. From the pubic bone, out to the tip. Done. [Sean makes a weird face] What?

Sean:
Nothing. I-- just that I would never hear you say the word "vagina."

Chief Reilly:
Vagina.

Sean:
Stop.

Chief Reilly:
Va-gina.

Sean:
Come on, Chief. Stop.

Uncle Teddy:
[to the monkey] You filthy little son of a bitch. You keep screamin' and I'll stick a banana right up your ass.

Chief Reilly:
Look, guys I wanted to get you together because we have a situation that's arisin...arosen. It's pretty important.

Sean:
It's arisen.

Chief Reilly:
Shut up. [to Lou] Is he right?

Lou:
Amazingly, yes. How?

Sean:
I've been bangin' this chick who plays alotta Scrabble. Hey, did you know that Q-A-T is a word?

Chief Reilly:
Shut up.

Sean:
I swear.

Chief Reilly:
I said shut up.

Sean:
Alright.

Tommy:
[about Colleen] I'm not exactly over here doin' a jig because she turned into a lezbo.

Janet:
Hey, Tom. She is not a lesbian.

Tommy:
She has a girlfriend.

Janet:
She's 15 years old. She's only had one boyfriend. When she's had to deal with 5 or 6 guys, then I can see her going gay.

Laura:
I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?

Tommy:
Wow. [Laura puts Tommy's sandwich on the table]

Sean:
Yeah. Can I get one of those? [points to the sandwich]

Laura:
No. [leaves]

Tommy:
Did she just say top-hats?

Franco:
I believe she did.

Lou:
I've always been a big fan of formal wear.

[Tommy is pulled over for speeding through a downtown intersection]

Tommy:
Hey, how you doing? Hey, Collins man!

Collins:
You better have a good excuse, Gavin.

Tommy:
Oh, you know what man, I got a phone call...

Collins:
That was some dare-devil shit back there.

Tommy:
I know, I know. I got a phone call about twenty minutes ago. My mom had a heart attack and I got to get to a hospital.

Collins:
Bullshit.

Tommy:
No bro, I'm serious!

Collins:
Give me your license and reg... All right, the honeymoon's over Gavin, all right? So tell all your friends and all that hero worship you got after 9/11 ain't getting paid any dues anymore. We lost guys downtown too, but nobody even talks about us. 343 firemen. There was almost 100 cops!

Tommy:
That's true. Nobody's forgetting about the cops.

Collins:
Guess what? You so much as look at a cop the wrong way and you're paying the price. All right, asshole?

Tommy:
You know this is going to come back to bite you in the ass. We got a big hockey game coming up again. A rematch-- in what, like a week?

Collins:
Yeah, I'm real concerned about payback. Yeah, I hope your ma don't die while I'm writing you up, either. Have a nice day.

Tommy:
[whispers] Shithead.

Franco:
Two fags in a tree.

Lou:
It's a tree-some!

Uncle Teddy:
Where's Elvis?

Tommy:
What?

Uncle Teddy:
Isn't this heaven?

Tommy:
No, it's my garage.

Uncle Teddy:
Goddamn it! I'm alive. Shit!

[Tommy throws money into the air]

Tommy:
I think you asked for what? Four grand? There's about six or seven here.

Janet:
Where did you get it, Tom?

Tommy:
The harder I work, the luckier I goddamned get.

Tommy:
[to Laura] Let me tell you something, sister, you serve two purposes in this house-- you can give me a blow job or make me a sandwich. I'm not in the mood for head and I had a late breakfast, so you're shit out of luck.

Franco:
I'm tellin' ya brother. Havin' your picture in this calendar is like having a license to mint pussy.

Lou:
"Mint pussy." May be one of the worst Ben & Jerry flavors of all time.

Tommy:
[About Sean's picture in the Fireman's calendar] You look like the Marlboro Man.

Sean:
Really?

Tommy:
Yeah. If the Marlboro Man smoked cock instead of cigarettes.

Tommy:
Did you go outside like that?

Uncle Teddy:
Like what?

Tommy:
Like that. With your joint hangin' out.

Uncle Teddy:
Hey, you got issues with the human body, that's your problem. That's your shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head.

Tommy:
Speakin' of ugly heads.

Uncle Teddy:
Don't lay your issues on me. I got no problem being naked.

Tommy:
Oh, yeah? Why don't you go upstairs and look in the mirror? I think there's more than one problem goin' on down there.

[After they found out they were cheating on each other]

Lou:
Are you gonna stop seein' him?

Phyllis:
Are you gonna stop seein' her?

Lou:
Who is this guy?

Phyllis:
Who's the girl?

Lou:
Do I know 'em?

Phyllis:
Do I know her?

Lou:
You know what? Maybe, maybe we shouldn't be asking questions right now.

Phyllis:
Maybe not.

Lou:
You know what? Lemme just say this, okay? If you told me, what you told me and I didn't have somethin' goin' on the side, I would have been so goddamn pissed you wouldn't even believe.

Phyllis:
Well, you know, I'd be pissed too.

[Tommy's kitchen is a total mess]

Uncle Teddy:
Hey, Tom. I made chili.

Tommy:
Yeah, no shit. What did 'ya do, mix it with a goddamn shotgun?

[Shelia wants to tell something to Tommy but she won't tell him over the phone]

Tommy:
It's gonna drive me crazy, not that you don't have a lock on that particular skill, right now.

Shelia:
Why do you have to be such an asshole?

Tommy:
Practice.

[A guy was impaled by a tree branch from a rooftop garden]

Lou:
Maybe we should uh, go up and talk to the tree. I mean, it looks like an accident but you never know.

Tommy:
Well, there might be a couple of scrubs up there that saw somethin'. I say we go up, uproot the whole goddamn garden and bring it in for questioning.

Lou:
You know, just 'cause it's vegetation it thinks it can get away with this shit.

Tommy:
Shameful.

Lou:
It really is.

Tommy:
[to Janet, who wants more money] Yeah, lemme pull down my pants and grab the money that's growin' outta my ass.

[The whole crew is looking at the NYC skyline]

Sean:
It's a nice view, huh?

Tommy:
Yeah. It'll never be the same for me.

Franco:
Yeah, me either.

Laura:
Even when they put up whatever it is that they're puttin' up.

Franco:
It's like they're tryin' to erase what happened. You know?

Chief Reilly:
It's insulting. Remember when they had those spotlights right after 9/11? I couldn't take that. I like it like this... empty. Just the way those scumbags left it. No spotlights, no new buildings, just empty.

Tommy:
Yeah. That's the thing about the spotlight, you know. Walk out into it and at first everybody thinks they see a good-lookin' all-American hero. But then you stay out there long enough and you know, they start to notice certain things. Maybe your nose is a little crooked, you know, maybe your teeth are too crooked. Maybe you got a little scar on your upper lip. Your hair's not right. One eye's bigger than the other. Next thing 'ya know they think they're lookin' at some kinda goddamn monster. Like they're lookin' at King Kong. Then they start throwin' shit at 'ya.

Lou:
Well, I'll tell ya one thing. That morning they threw a couple a jets into a couple a buildings. And they threw at us the biggest job in the history of our profession. And what do we do? We gave up 343 of our guys to save... at least 10,000.

Tommy:
Yeah. And look at us now: Three years later and still waitin' for a goddamn raise. I'll tell 'ya what guys, we were on our own that morning and we're still on our own today.

[After Mickey told Franco that Tommy was seeing Shelia]

Tommy:
[to Mickey, in confession] Bless me father for I have sinned, and so have you. [he grabs him and starts beating him up]

[Sean is dating a girl who's a really bad kisser]

Chief Reilly:
Now, you're talkin' about bad kissin'. Are you talkin' about too much saliva bad kissin'? Or using your tongue like an iguana eatin' a fly bad kissin'? [Sean and Franco give him a look] Hey, I used to be a player.

Franco:
That was disturbing, Chief.

Sean:
Yeah. And disgusting.

Chief Reilly:
You shoulda saw the chick that I did it with.