Roseanne, Season 8

Roseanne:
[to Becky who is now again played by Lecy Goranson] Where the hell have you been?

Becky:
Just getting this.

Roseanne:
Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.

[Becky walks into the laundry room]

Darlene:
Where the hell have you been?

Becky:
(laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?

Jackie:
(about Andy) You gave him Oreos? Roseanne, what about my list? I specifically asked you not to feed him any junk food.

Roseanne:
Hey, you can spit and swear, you can even take the Lord's name in vain, but you will not come into my house and refer to Oreos as junk food!

Jackie:
I am willing to admit, I have got a lot to learn about being a mother, but, so do you!

Roseanne:
I HAD a lot to learn and I learned it and now I'm done!

David:
(trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!

Roseanne:
You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!

Dan:
[Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he went to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.

Roseanne:
All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?

Dan:
[pause] B3.

Roseanne:
That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.

Dan:
G6.

Roseanne:
The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.

[Roseanne and Jackie were infiltrating the diners competition at night planting dead fish. Attempted to put one in the air vent and got stuck in it.]

Jackie:
I know! We'll turn on the stove, the heat will cause the metal to expand, and then you can get out!

Roseanne:
I'm standing on the stove! ...It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.

Becky:
Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."

Darlene:
Man, she is twisted.

Darlene:
So, what did you like better, Becky? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?

Becky:
(drunk and confused) Ok.

Darlene:
Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?

Becky:
Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!

Darlene:
God, it's mom. It's Mom Tartare.

Becky:
How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?

Darlene:
2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.

Roseanne:
[on the guests at the bar mitzvah] Man, these people are completely rude for no reason. I love it here!

Rabbi Farkas:
[to Roseanne and Dan, who are crashing a bar mitzvah at their hotel and pretending to be Jewish] What temple do you belong to?

Roseanne:
Temple... Beth... Midler.

Rabbi Farkas:
Really, I've never heard of that. Are you reformed?

Roseanne:
No, but we're trying to cut down.

Bandleader at Bar Mitzvah:
Well, we're gonna take a little break now, ha ha. When we come back, the Meyer family has requested something from Fiddler on the Roof, so if you have any requests, please don't hesitate, ha ha.

Roseanne:
What about something from Jesus Christ Superstar?

Bandleader:
[laughing nervously] Well, there's one in every crowd!

Kids:
Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.

Mom [played by Sarah Chalke - aka Becky #2]:
Hi, your house is so warm and cozy! I love it! [looks at the treats in the kids' bags] Thank you so much, you are nice nice nice!

Mark:
Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.

Mom:
Buh-bye!

Kids:
Bye! Happy Halloween!

Roseanne:
Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.

Dan:
Just wasn't in the cards, honey.

Roseanne:
Hello, I'm Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas, or as I like to call me, Roseanne. What you are about to see is the original pilot for the Roseanne show. This episode has been lost for some forty years, along with my mind. The only difference is, this episode has been found. Love to all my fans.

Jackie:
Rosie, 12 people just showed up at my house, do you have a turkey I could borrow?

Rosie:
A turkey? (pulls a turkey on a platter out from under the sink) Well I just happen to have one. Bake for one hour at 350.

Jackie:
Thanks Rosie, you saved my marriage, again, and my backside. Bye-bye and buy bonds!

[discussing bad songs from the 70's with Jackie]

Roseanne:
Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.

DJ:
(as an Indian on the First Thanksgiving) Welcome brothers. Share in our bountiful feast.

First Pilgrim Boy:
Looks like there is not enough seats at the table.

DJ:
Then we shall make more benches.

Second Pilgrim Boy:
Nah, let's make some dead Indians!

Irate Mother:
People came here for the freedom. (Looks at Anne Marie, who is black)

Anne Marie:
Excuse me?

DJ:
Quick, David. You gotta help me. A couple of my mice got loose and if my mom finds out, she's gonna kill me!

David:
If two little mice live and one little boy is killed, then justice has been served.

Dan:
If you think I'm talented, just say it.

Roseanne:
I think you're talented.

Dan:
You're just saying that.

Roseanne:
(recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Your dad works really hard. He, um, always wanted to give you guys... everything. But, um, over the years, I guess, uh, his dreams kinda fell down, one right after the other. But, now he's working for the city, which is great because you cannot be fired for reason, whatsoever– ya know, just like in congress. And, uh, I do have to say, though, that no matter how hard he works, I've worked harder. I have worked, uh, whe-whether your dad was laid up, or laid off. I'm the one who brought home the bacon. I cooked it up myself. And, yeah, sure, I took a few bites off the top, but I figured, I gotta reward myself some way, um, and, I never complained, and I have never, ever asked anybody for help. Because, ya know, even if I did, it's not like anybody would lift a finger to help me, anyway.

Roseanne:
(recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Okay, I'm going to give your dad a turn to talk to you, now, but, before I go, I want to tell you one thing: you know that we had you late in our lives, but we really wanted you, and, uh, that's basically because you're our last hope for a good retirement, which is totally going to happen because, after all these years, I finally figured out how to raise a kid that will grow up to be incredibly successful, and, that is: every time you turn around, you tell them how wonderful they are, and... how beautiful they are, and... how priceless they are, and, how much they are loved– and, you are.

Becky:
Oh, Darlene, you're not going to believe what I just found!

Darlene:
Your virginity? No, wait, you left that behind a dumpster at K-Mart

Scott:
Mind if I have a look at that guy's check? [Takes check and starts dialing the phone] You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. You know, when I was waiting tables in college, I could tell you stories that'd curl...[into phone] Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come N' Go Motel over in Elgin. When you and your husband were in here last time, unfortunately you left some of your private garments behind. You weren't? Well, aren't you a busty 20-year-old blond? Whoops, my mistake.

Roseanne:
Wow, he stiffs me for a tip and you destroy his marriage! That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks, let's do more.

Scott:
We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.

Roseanne:
What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?

(enter Leon)

Leon:
Scott!

Scott:
Hi, Honey!

Leon:
Roseanne, what is all this?

Roseanne:
It's a gay wedding!

Leon:
This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!

Leon's Mother:
Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.

Roseanne:
How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.

Roseanne:
[to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

Leon:
What if I'm not even gay?

Roseanne:
You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.

Leon:
Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!

Roseanne:
But do you like having sex with men?

Leon:
Well...

Roseanne:
GAY!!!!!!!!!

Leon:
Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.

David:
You know, Mrs. Conner is gonna love this new linoleum.

Dan:
No, no, no, no. Don't tell her it's new. See, every couple of years or so, she asks me to clean behind the stove, and I've always found that doing this is much easier.

Becky:
Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.

Roseanne:
Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.

Darlene:
What's wrong with this family?

Roseanne:
Your father and i are really brothers.

Becky:
Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..

Roseanne:
But..

Becky:
What's the but?

Roseanne:
Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.

Jackie:
Do you think our kids are going to be as horrible to each other as we were, Roseanne? They're practically brothers.

Roseanne:
No, we'll break the cycle, I'll raise Jerry to be as nice to Andy as I should've been to you.

Dan:
I've been hearing a lot lately about how white men are to blame for everything, about how we have all the advantages, how we get all the breaks. But look at me and Bob, we ain't living in no mansions. We had to struggle for everything we got.

Leon:
You struggled for this (waves hand referring to the Conner house).

Roseanne:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but at least they're not part of my sex life.

Computer:
Welcome. You've got mail.

Jackie:
Hello?

Becky:
Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation?

Narrator:
Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.

Becky:
Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!

Roseanne:
Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?

Darlene:
My brother and my boyfriend on the Dumbo ride and me without a camera to throw at them.

David:
(being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!

Roseanne:
(a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.

David:
I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

Roseanne:
Listen to me, David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.

David:
Oh no, no, no, no!

Roseanne:
Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that, David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.

(David pants with anger)

Roseanne:
That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?

David:
No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!

Roseanne:
(slaps him) LIAR! Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!

David:
(broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Roseanne:
There...There.... Welcome home, son.

David:
(on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?

Darlene:
You know, erm... or we could just get married.

David:
Yeah right! To who?

Darlene:
No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?

David:
Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.

Darlene:
Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...

David:
You're serious about this aren't you?

Darlene:
Yeah, I am.

David:
Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?

Darlene:
Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

[about Darlene's pregnancy]

David:
How? When?

Darlene:
When? Disney World!

David:
You mean... that night after the fireworks?

Darlene:
Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.

Roseanne:
Let's see, David is pale and kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, so no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she said something nice to her brother. Ooh, I wonder. I know--you're pregnant!

(everybody laughs, except David and Darlene)

Roseanne:
(yelling) That was my joke guess!

(There is a small pause, as Roseanne stares at them)

David:
We're also getting married.

(A silence as they all took it in)

Roseanne:
(Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.

Roseanne:
Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!

Dan:
Yee-haw!

(A talk show host and camera person walk through the door of the Lunch Box)

Jackie:
Roseanne, do you know who that is? That's Cindy Kenner from "Wake Up Chicago". She's on every morning at 6:00 a.m.

Roseanne:
Oh, well I never see it because I never stay up that late anymore.

Joe Matthews:
People love your opinionated, blue-collar outlook.

Roseanne:
See, Dan. All these years people thought I was a bitch, but what I had was an opinionated, blue-collar outlook.

Roseanne:
Hey! I am not divorced, single, desperate or lonely. What the hell do I need to exercise for?

Bev:
There she is! You shameless hussy, you stole my man!

Leon:
Stole you're mother's boyfriend, huh? Been there.

Dan:
Oh, did I say best man? I meant main man.

Bev:
Come out, Darlene, I can't wait to see you in my dress!

Nana Mary:
Whattaya mean, your dress? It's my dress! The first time I wore that dress... Roosevelt closed the banks.

Bev:
That's right! (smugly) And when I wore that dress, I had to take it in ten inches!

Nana Mary:
Yeah, around the boobs!

Becky:
So, how many times have you been married, Nana Mary?

Nana Mary:
I'm not sure. Uh...counting the cruises I've been on.

Darlene:
I got six sticks of dynamite strapped under here; the first chuckle takes us all out.

Nana Mary:
Darlene, ya look lovely- and don't worry, that little baby in there doesn't show at all. Ya know, all us dames, we all got knocked up before we got married- it's like tradition!

Nancy:
That is so weird that he said that, because I was abducted by aliens in woods just like these one time. For a month afterward, I could play World Champion Caliber Chess. And then it just went away.

David:
I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.

Roseanne:
(to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?

Dan:
Deer rifle.

Darlene:
And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.

Roseanne:
I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?

Dan:
Deer rifle.

Darlene:
And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.

David:
No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.

Roseanne:
I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?

Dan:
Yeah, I heard that.

Dan:
Minor heart attack? How minor could it be? If I was a car this would cost 8 or 900 bucks.

Roseanne:
They probably have to keep you in the shop just over night. The good news is they're giving me a loaner husband.

Roseanne:
But it's getting late, there's really nothing any of you guys can do here so unless one of you wants to go and give a liver to the guy in 308.

Bev:
I really don't think it's wise for this family to be giving away livers.

[Dan has returned home from the hospital after suffering a heart attack]

DJ:
Dad, you're home! Did you bring me anything?

Dan:
Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.

[Dan and Roseanne are having dinner there having peas, carrots, squash. after Roseanne confronts Dan about his candy bar fake walks and a burrito he had at a gas station]

Roseanne:
Yeah, well, I know it's hard, but you just keep it up, A little bit of time passes, and then you're stuck in a rut, Which is right up your alley.

Dan:
Well, doctor's orders or not, I can't do it. It's hell. I mean, I can't live this way. I mean, I want my food back, you know? Real food-- dead animals. Brightly colored snacks. Things on sticks.

Roseanne:
Well, i'm not gonna keep cooking those crap dinners That got you in this mess in the first place, Dan.

Dan:
What about the crap breakfasts? And the crap lunches?

Roseanne:
Well gee Dan, if you don't like my cooking, why don't you just cook yourself?

Dan:
Maybe I will.

Roseanne:
Oh yeah? Maybe you should. That'd be fun to watch.

Dan:
Fine. You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne:
Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner eleven years ago.

Roseanne:
God, you're hiding food, Dan?!!

Dan:
Yeah, with the cleaning products. It's the one place I knew you'd never look.

Roseanne:
What was all that crap you were tellin' me in the hospital, that big speech about how you never cheated on me? What the hell do you call this?

Dan:
Look, I am sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.

Roseanne:
So you're just gonna do it, aren't ya? You're just gonna go right ahead and harden an artery right here in my kitchen!

Dan:
I've got to live a little, Roseanne. You won't let me eat anything, you won't let me take any calls from work...

Roseanne:
Yeah, and I'm not gonna let you talk anymore either, so shut up!

Dan:
Just keep your nose out of my work. It's none of your business, Roseanne. I managed to get along just fine without any of your help.

Roseanne:
"Without any of my help"? What the hell do you think I was doing all those years at Wellman's, and Rodbell's, and the beauty parlor, and the diner? Do you think I was just earning enough money to go out and buy new hats? If it wasn't for me, the bank would've came and took this house a long time ago, Dan!

Dan:
Hey! I always pulled in more money than you brought in!

Roseanne:
Oh yeah? Well, what about that year when your bike shop went broke? (Dan ignores that retort and continues making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) Oh yeah! Do it, Dan! You're gonna show me, aren't you? Oh, spread it on! Nothing in moderation, right?

Dan:
Oh, you got it, baby!

Roseanne:
Oh yeah, not for the indestructible Dan Connor! Drinker, biker, party boy right from the sixties! "If it feels good, do it", or in your case "If it tastes good, eat it".

Dan:
Watch it, Roseanne.

Roseanne:
You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self-control! You're Jerry Garcia without the music.

Dan:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Let's back up here! You're calling ME fat?

Roseanne:
Yeah, I'm calling you fat.

Dan:
Well, if that ain't THE BIG FAT POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK!

Roseanne:
You better not be calling me fat!

Dan:
Well, that's what i'm doing. Fat fat

Dan:
fat fat fat fat fat

Roseanne:
fat fat fat fat fat

Roseanne:
Fine, if you don't want the food I make, Dan, Then [shoves the food off the kitchen table] we'll just get rid of it. Okay? And you know what? We don't need any more of this health food Either [shoves the food off the kitchen shelf] so that goes too.

Dan:
I'm going to watch TV.

Roseanne:
Oh, of course you are, Dan, because that's what you always do when anything gets to damn real around here!

Dan:
I do not do that.

Roseanne:
Yes, you do! You run to that TV and walk away from me every single time there's a problem in this family!

Dan:
Why the hell shouldn't I walk away? You never let me do squat around here! Problem with the kids? Hey, you'll handle it, cause I'd sure as hell just screw it up! I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out!

Roseanne:
I think they turned out great.

Dan:
Oh, please, Roseanne! Look at them. They're not exactly the Kennedy kids.

Roseanne:
No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!

Dan:
They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother!

Roseanne:
The only way I "failed as a mother" was to let Becky and Darlene get married so young, that they threw their whole life away on a man, JUST LIKE I DID!

Dan:
You didn't throw away a thing.

Roseanne:
Yes, I did, Dan. I threw everything away. But, all that's going to change, because from now on, I'm going to put all my energy into that TV show.

Dan:
Well, that's fine. That's just great. Go on.

Roseanne:
I'm gonna show my daughters that you don't have to give up your dreams for some stupid guy!

Dan:
That's fine! Well, you just move to Chicago for all I care. Then, maybe, your damn family won't be hangin' around here all the time, give me some room for my family to come. Hell, they can't even show up for Thanksgiving anymore!

Roseanne:
Oh, so that's it, huh? It's my fault that you have no kind of relationship with your family? God, you are PATHETIC!! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?!

Dan:
Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help, instead of letting her run around the streets, like yours, scaring people!

Roseanne:
Well, my mother may be like fingernails on a chalkboard, Dan. But, at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!

Dan:
Well, that's perfect. You got an answer for everything, don't you.

Roseanne:
Yeah, I do.

Dan:
Yeah, well, why don't you tell me how to clean up this... [breaks the mantelpieces] CRAP that you call decoration?!!

Roseanne:
Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up, using your ass, and start with the pointy things!

Dan:
You are a controlling BITCH!!!(flips the coffee table over)

Roseanne:
No I'm not, Dan, I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you to get up off of your ass and and stop staring at that... [breaks television screen with Godzilla figure] damn TV!

Dan:
Boy, I tell ya, I wished I had never mar--

Roseanne:
What? Say it.

Dan:
Nothing.

Roseanne:
Well that makes two of us. [sighs heavily] You can die if you want to Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone, because I'm not going to sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [storms out, slamming the door]