SpongeBob SquarePants, Season Three

Mr. Krabs:
Squidward, where are you?! Shield me with your forehead! (Sees Plankton) So… it was just another failed Krabby Patty theft attempt by my arch-competitor, Plankton. (laughs) For a second there, I mistook ya for a threat, but you're just a dirty little man. So long, shrimp!

Plankton:
Curse you, Mr Krabs! Ow! Ouch!

Plankton:
What do we have here? Oh goodie, holographic meatloaf again. When am I gonna eat some real food? Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food. Just look at his daughter-- she's as big as a whale! I wish I could be successful like Krabs I wish I could somehow switch lives with him just to know what it's like

Plankton:
All mine... it's finally all mine... the patties... the wealth... the noteriety... the- [notices Spongebob] SpongeBob? What are you doing here?

SpongeBob:
Um... Well, sir, just that it's Tuesday again, and I was hoping for...my... [quickly] weekly performance review.

Plankton:
Review? But I've never reviewed anything...except for those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me.

SpongeBob:
I tried, Mr. Plankton... I really did.

Plankton:
Oh, what now?

SpongeBob:
A customer ordered a medium soda and I gave him a large! I GAVE HIM A LARGE! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! [continues]

Plankton:
[points finger at SpongeBob] I command you to stop that. Stop that and return to your post! [pokes at SpongeBob] Where's the off button on this thing?!

Pearl:
That's it, daddy! I've decided I'm going to run away! Run away and find a new daddy!

Plankton:
MAKE IT STOP! [an alarm goes off] What, did I say the secret word?

SpongeBob:
No, sir. He’s back.

Plankton:
Who’s back? What? [something red flashes past] What was that?!

SpongeBob:
MAN YOUR STATIONS!!!!! RED ALERT!!!!! RED ALERT!!!!! Take cover!

SpongeBob:
But sir, there's gotta be something I need to improve on... ANYTHING!

Plankton:
All right, the sauce.

SpongeBob:
[takes a step back] What...?

Plankton:
The sauce, you're usin' too much sauce. Okay? Review's over.

[SpongeBob's eyes grow squinted and slanted, lips become distorted, and starts to spasm back and forth with his arms, making noises as if he's about to sob]

Plankton:
What's wrong with you? All I said was a little too much sauce, it's no big deal, really. What do you want from me, a promotion?!

SpongeBob:
[turns instantly normal] A promo- a promo- A PROMOTION?!

Plankton:
Eeh, sure, kid. You're uh... you're on register now.

SpongeBob:
[a lit fuse having appeared as if he were a bomb] [gasps] Register? [explodes]

Plankton:
Glad that's over.

Plankton:
I don't understand, is there a gas leak in here?

Plankton:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! [rips off shirt] It's not worth it! It's just not worth it! Goodbye, everyone, I'll remember you all in therapy!

Larry:
[on being a lifeguard] You know, SpongeBob, the girls and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing that you're the only thing standing between these good people [cuts to annual hot dog chug, then back] and a watery grave. And that's what it's all about. Their lives are in your hands now... 'Cause I got a date with a tanning booth!

SpongeBob:
I'm every bit as cool as Larry. And if I'm not, let me be struck by-- [lightning flashes overhead] --a flying ice cream truck! [a flying ice cream truck plummets in Spongebob's direction] AND LIVE!

[The flying ice cream truck stops just above SpongeBob, then drops onto him gently]

Larry:
[through megaphone] PLEASE DO NOT LAND FLYING ICE CREAM TRUCKS ON THE BATHERS.

Patrick:
Being a lifeguard is so dumb! All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses, and show off their GROSS, MISSHAPEN BODIES!!

[Patrick's enormous belly pops into view]

Fish:
Dude, put that thing away! There are, like, children here!

[Patrick tucks his belly into his pants, then his feet triple in size]

Patrick:
(angrily) I'm going to the snack bar.

SpongeBob:
Besides, what's the worst that can happen? [imagines everybody in the lake turning into tombstones] AHHHHH!! [runs into the lifeguard tower, rings the bell, and screams into the megaphone] EMERGENCY! EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WATER!!

Patrick:
(inside Spongebob) Help! I'm drowning, I've got butt cramps, I want ice cream, and now it's daaaark!

Squidward:
Oh yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.

SpongeBob:
[gasps] Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the magic conch? The conch is the one who gave us this banquet. This copyrighted conch is the cornerstone of our organization.

Patrick:
Maybe he's not a brother.

Squidward:
Hey, you guys got it all wrong. I love this... piece of plastic.

SpongeBob:
Aw, cheer up Squid, it could be worse!

Patrick:
Yeah, you could be bald and have a big nose.

Squidward:
I'll have you know, I am a member of over twenty different exclusive clubs all across the sea bottom!

Patrick:
What'd he say?

SpongeBob:
I don't know, something about his nose?

Patrick:
Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!

Squiddy:
What do you 2 zeroes know about fitting in? You should be begging me to join!

Squidward:
"Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery?" (An inside joke about the length of many SpongeBob episodes)

SpongeBob:
Magic Conch? What do we do to escape the kelp forest?

Magic Conch:
Nothing.

Patrick:
The shell has spoken!

Squidward:
Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing! [sees that they are doing nothing; groans angrily]

Forest Ranger:
Okay, Magic Conch, what do we do now?

Magic Conch:
Nothing.

Spongebob, Patrick & Forest Ranger:
All hail the Magic Conch!(sit down and do nothing)

Squidward:
[looks defeated and exhausted] All... hail... the Magic Conch!(sits down with them)

SpongeBob:
"Really, Mr. Krabs?"

Mr. Krabs:
"I was five years old, me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother."

SpongeBob:
"What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?"

Mr. Krabs:
Then one day, at the beach, (Starts to sob) IT WAS SO HOT...AND I WAS SO THIRSTY, I SPENT IT ON A SODAAA...UHHUHHUHHUH...MY BEST FRIEND!!!

SpongeBob:
But it's good for you.

Squidward:
Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!

SpongeBob:
No, Squidward, I meant...good for your soul.

[A halo appears over Spongebob's head, and a heavenly background is displayed. An angelic choir is heard singing serenely]

Squidward:
Oh, please! I have no soul.

[Background turns to flames; an evil, demonic laugh is heard. Squidward gets a shocked look on his face]

SpongeBob:
Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw!

[Everyone laughs]

Squidward:
Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.

SpongeBob:
Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say...

Customers:
The only people who don't like a Krabby Patty have never tasted one!

SpongeBob:
[trying to get Squidward to eat a Krabby Patty] If you try it, you'll love it!

Squidward:
Try one of those radioactive sludge balls you call food? Next, I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with Patrick!

SpongeBob:
[to Patrick, who is dressed as a cowboy] Sorry, Patrick.

[Patrick whimpers and walks away]

SpongeBob:
[holding the Krabby Patty out to Squidward while Squidward is in the restroom] Just smell it!

Squidward:
If I didn't want it out there, what makes you think I find it more appealing In here?!

Squidward:
[snatching the Krabby Patty away] Give me that! When I die, you stay away from my funeral.

Squidward:
(hands a customer his tray of food) Here you go, sir. A King Size Ultra Krabby Supreme with the works, double batter fried on a stick. (puts a stick into the food)

Harold:
Thanks! (walks off)

Squidward:
Barnacle head. (Harold comes back)

Harold:
Pardon me?

Squidward:
(holds up a mayonnaise bottle) You forgot your mayonnaise. (sets it on the harold's tray)

Harold:
Thanks. (walks off and sits at his table)

Realistic Fishhead:
We interrupt this can-can to bring you this important message.

Mr. Krabs:
Why, that's the most diabolical Krabby Patty ever spawned!

SpongeBob:
I call it...the Nasty Patty!

Realistic Fishhead:
We interrupt your laughing at other people's expense to bring you this important news bulletin.

Mr. Krabs:
We've been duped!

SpongeBob:
Duped!

Mr. Krabs:
Bamboozled!

SpongeBob:
We've been smeckledorfed!

Mr. Krabs:
That's not even a word and I agree with ya!

SpongeBob:
Ew! Gross! Germs! It's all icky and corpse-y!

Mr. Krabs:
Now SpongeBob, when we get to the Krusty Krab I want you to take that shovel and stuff-I mean stow it in the freezer. Understand?

SpongeBob:
I understand Mr. Krabs, but what do you want me to do with the bo--

Mr. Krabs:
[clamps his claw over SpongeBob's mouth] Bottles of soda! Bottles of soda, same thing, put 'em in the freezer.

Mr. Krabs:
[after the officer asks for ice] Ice?! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!

Nancy O'Malley:
You people act like you've committed a murder.

Mr. Krabs:
Okay, I confess! SpongeBob killed him!

SpongeBob:
What?! You can't pin this whole rep on me!

Mr. Krabs:
He was insane! Out of control! He would've killed me too if you hadn't come along!

SpongeBob:
It was all Mr. Krabs' idea!

Mr. Krabs:
Put him down now! He's a mad dog!

SpongeBob:
HE WEARS CURLERS TO BED!!

Mr. Krabs:
Wait! It's not what you think!

Nancy O'Malley:
What are you two talking about?

Mr. Krabs:
We killed a health inspector!! Buried him, and then stuffed his body in the freezer!

SpongeBob:
I'll never survive in prison! They'll mop the floor with me!

Mr. Krabs:
[after finding out that the health inspector isn't dead after all, and that the Krusty Krab has passed the health inspection] Come on, everybody! Krabby Patties at half price! Well, not really.

Narrator:
[at the end] Well, that's the story. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?

Squidward:
How are you doing that?

SpongeBob:
First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.

Squidward:
The noises! How are you two making those noises?

Patrick:
Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.

SpongeBob:
And...imagination! [forms a rainbow with his hands]

Squidward:
Are you trying to say I have no imagination?! I have more imagination in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies!

Patrick:
That's good! Now all you need is a box.

[Squidward turns on the television]

Narrator:
...it is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.

[Squidward changes the channel to a mathematics related program]

Professor:
The equation is illustrated here, by this box.

[Squidward changes the channel]

Male Fish:
I couldn't afford you a present this year, so I got you this box. [shows her a box]

Female Fish:
[joyfully] That's what I got you too!

Squidward:
Isn't there anything on TV that isn't about boxes?

[Squidward changes the channel]

Announcer:
...and welcome back to Championship Boxing!

Squidward:
[laughs] Well, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.

[2 cardboard boxes start sliding at each other in a boxing ring]

Squidward:
I give up.

[The two are trying to reverse the effects of a shrink ray on Mermaid Man's utility belt]

Patrick:
: You know what the problem is?

SpongeBob:
What?

Patrick:
You got it set to "M" for "mini", [turns the "M" on the belt upside down] when it should be set to "W" for "wumbo"!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, I don't think "wumbo" is a real word.

Patrick:
Come on! You know; I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, WUMBO! Wumbo, wumboing...

Squidward:
[thinking] I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me...

Patrick:
Wumbology: THE STUDY OF WUMBO?! It's first grade, Spongebob!

Spongebob:
Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you.

SpongeBob:
Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and we'll defeat the Pink Menace!

Patrick:
That's me!

Squidward:
Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me!

SpongeBob:
Can I be Mr. Krabs?

Squidward:
No! Wait, why?

SpongeBob:
He's a good leader.

SpongeBob:
Score one for the boys back home!

[Squidward answers his door to find Patrick with a mouthful of snow trying to tell him something]

Squidward:
Oh. Patrick. What an unpleasant surprise.

[Patrick tries to mime what he needs to Squidward]

Squidward:
[with mock enthusiasm] Oh, boy, nothing like a game of charades.

[At last Patrick regains his ability to talk properly]

Patrick:
[in one breath] I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water and I drank all the water, now I'm better.

[There is a brief moment of silence]

Squidward:
[deadpan] Fascinating. [shuts the door in Patrick's face]

Patrick:
[knocks on door again] Can I use your bathroom?

Squidward:
Patrick, go use your own bathroom.

Patrick:
I don't think I can make it, please?

Squidward:
No.

Patrick:
Please.

Squidward:
No.

Patrick:
PLEASE.

Squidward:
No.

Patrick:
PLEASE!

Squidward:
All right, make it quick.

Patrick:
...That's okay.

Patrick:
Hey, that looks like the toilet plunger I threw out yesterday!

Mr. Krabs:
Er... no! That's not a toilet plunger! It's an... ancient soup ladle! [Flips red part of plunger upside down.]

Patrick:
Wow was I using mine wrong! How much?

Mr. Krabs:
Five bucks.

Patrick:
I've only got seven.

Mr. Krabs:
Deal.

Patrick:
Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper.

Krabs:
I thought the Foxy Grandpa would get him for sure I didn't wanna have to do this but he leaves me no other option I'm gonna have to scare it off of him (Night time has come and Krabs draws a picture of a ghost) This'll scare him

SpongeBob:
OH MY GOSH! A FLOATING SHOPPING LIST!!!

Krabs:
I'M NOT A SHOPPING LIST, I'M A GHOST!!

SpongeBob:
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Krabs:
(laughs evilly) Now listen Spongebob

Spongebob:
How do you know my name? Who are you?

Krabs:
I am the ghost of soda drink hats and I'm here to tell ya that soda drinking hat you possess is cursed

[Mr. Krabs sees Squidward place a bouquet of flowers on a grave. After Squidward walks away, Mr. Krabs moves closer and reads what's on the headstone]

Mr. Krabs:
"Here Lies Squidward's Hopes and Dreams." What a baby.

Mr. Krabs:
Just think about what Spongebob said-- what was it?

SpongeBob:
[in Mr. Krabs' head] Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

Mr. Krabs:
No...not that...

SpongeBob:
[in Mr. Krabs' head] You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night! Go ahead, guess!

Mr. Krabs:
No, no, no, no, no!

SpongeBob:
[in Mr. Krabs' head] It was his hat, Mr. Krabs! HE WAS NUMBER 1!

Smitty:
Hey, man. That's my hat. Give it back!

Mr. Krabs:
No, way! Lie down, bone boy! Play dead!

Smitty:
Looks like I'm gonna have to take it from you.

Mr. Krabs:
Right! You in what army? [many skeletons surround Mr. Krabs]

Smitty:
Only the army of the living dead.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, no! I've seen this on the night show! You fellas take turns nibbling on me innards, than you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!

Smitty:
That's disgusting! We just want the hat back!

Mr. Krabs, Pearl, & Squidward:
[singing] The Krusty Krab! Come spend your money here!

SpongeBob:
Next thing you know people'll start opening doors for me!

[A man opens a door to go inside the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob thinks that the man is holding the door open for him]

SpongeBob:
[gasps] Why sir, I'm flattered!

Man:
[smells the air] Really? I don't smell anything.

Spongebob:
[laughs] You're on your way kid!

Old Man Jenkins:
Hey, I saw you on TV last night.

SpongeBob:
You did?

Old Man Jenkins:
Yeah, you were in a commercial!

[Match-cut to a commercial for "Bran Flakes" that Old Man Jenkins saw]

SpongeBob:
You're right, I was! Wow, he recognized me! Well, I have to go to work. See you later, old man!

Old Man Jenkins:
Yep, see you later Bran Flakes! What a nice cereal box...

Mr. Krabs:
I've never felt such a strange combination of pity, and indigestion.

Spongebob:
Remember, if you need anything, i'm here for you, because you and me? We're like brothers, only closer....

Squidward:
AAHHH!!!!!

Mr. Krabs:
Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you stole it. Two, you stole it. And three, YOU STOLE IT!

Squidward:
[about Spongebob] Teacher's pet.

[to Spongebob, after quitting]

Squidward:
"You know, there's something I've been wanting to say to you from the day we met: Goodbye."

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
Gary! Squidward is not a free-loader! And he'd never take advantage of me!

[After Squidward has stayed with them for quite a while]

Gary:
[wearily] Meow, meow.

SpongeBob:
I KNOW HE STILL ISN'T LOOKING FOR WORK! DON'T RUB IT IN!!

SpongeBob:
[presenting a glass of lemonade to Squidward] Here you are, Your Majesty.

Squidward:
I can't drink this!

SpongeBob:
Why not?

Squidward:
Are you blind? Just look at it!

SpongeBob:
What about it?

Squidward:
That lemon has three seeds in it! That's an odd number! I can't eat anything odd-numbered!

SpongeBob:
Fine, I'll take it out!

Squidward:
It's already contaminated by the bad lemon! It won't work!

SpongeBob:
[muttering] That makes two things in this house that won't work.

Squidward:
Then go fix them.

SpongeBob:
[louder] Two things that won't...work!

[SpongeBob is putting on a puppet show through his TV unbeknownst to Squidward]

Puppet #1:
Hey, where you goin'?

Puppet #2:
To my job!

Puppet #1:
You have a job?

Puppet #2:
Why wouldn't I? I'm not some lazy inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day!

Puppet #1:
Say, where can I find one of these...jobs?

Puppet #2:
Oh, they're everywhere. They'll even hire you if you're green and have six tentacles!

Puppet #1:
Thanks! I'm gonna get one so I can stop mooching off my friends and they can get back to their lives!

Squidward:
This isn't my show! Spongebob! The remote control's broken! Get over here and fix it!

SpongeBob:
I've got a better idea! Why don't I call someone whose job it is to fix it? You know why? Because when I need a job done I get someone with a job to do that JOB!

Squidward:
What are you saying?

Squidward:
Now you've ruined my appetite, go fetch me something to read!

Spongebob:
Oh, ok, how about this! [Holds up job listings in newspaper]

Squidward:
AH! You know i'm allergic to newsprint!

Mr. Krabs:
[on the phone] Donate to the Children's Fund? Why? What have children ever done for me?

SpongeBob:
[ripping phone away] You want your dime back?! TAKE IT! Now Squidward can come back, right?

[Mr. Krabs inspects the dime]

Mr. Krabs:
Wrong! That ain't me first dime!

SpongeBob:
Then have some more dimes! I'VE GOT PLENTY OF 'EM!

Mr. Krabs:
You can't put a price on me first dime! And I can't forgive that thieving bilge rat Squidward for stealing it!

[SpongeBob seizes Mr. Krabs by the throat and lifts him up into the air]

SpongeBob:
Listen, you crustaceous cheapskate! Squidward's been living at my house, driving me crazy! [shaking Mr. Krabs] AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HIRE HIM BACK, ALL BECAUSE OF A STUPID DIME?!!

Squidward:
What are you saying?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, it's obvious that you put the dime in me pants. Dimes don't just fly in people's pants.

Squidward:
Are you accusing me of something?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: 1) You put the dime in me pants, 2) You put the dime in me pants, or 3) YOU PUT THE DIME IN ME PANTS!!!

Squidward:
[after being fired from the Krusty Krab] I've lost my clothes, my house, EVERYTHING!!!

Spongebob:
[gasps] Even your paintings?

Squidward:
No one would take them, so I had to EAT THEM! [Squidward's stomach is shown in the shape of a picture frame]

Sandy:
SpongeBob's acting jumpier than a rattlesnake in a pickle barrel. Wait...what?

Sandy:
Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice."

[SpongeBob, while karate-fighting Sandy, has accidentally landed in a picnicking family's potato salad]

Tom:
Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad. [SpongeBob shoots away] THREE DAYS!

[SpongeBob is ready to attack Sandy again, but then he realizes she is nowhere in sight]

SpongeBob:
Sandy?

Sandy:
Oh, I'm sandy, all right. [emerges from the sand beneath Spongebob's feet] I'm very sandy.

Spongebob:
[while sent flying into the air] Oh, i get it, she's Sandy, that's also her name, and she's covered in....yes!

[SpongeBob and Sandy come across a long line of tough-looking fish]

Sandy:
Hey, what's everyone waitin' in line for?

Gruff Sailor Fish:
Oh, wait, fair lass. It be the line to get into the Salty Spitoon, the roughest, toughest sailor club ever to be built under the seven seas. Only the baddest of the bad can get in. You need to have muscles. [reveals his powerful muscles] You need to have muscles on your muscles! [reveals smaller muscles on his larger muscles] You need to have muscles on your eyeballs! [sticks out his eyeballs and reveals his eyeball muscles]

SpongeBob:
Eww.

Reg:
Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?

Sandy:
How tough am I? [rips off his tattoo, which reads "MOM", off his chest and puts it back upside down, so that it now reads "WOW"]

SpongeBob:
Wow...

Sandy:
Got any more tattoos?

Reg:
Uh, that won't be necessary. Go ahead in.

Reg:
Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?

SpongeBob:
How tough am I? You got a bottle of ketchup?

Reg:
Sure. [hands SpongeBob a bottle of ketchup]

SpongeBob:
It's on! [takes the bottle and struggles to open it] Now if I could run this under some hot water...

Reg:
Get outta here! This place is too tough for you, man!

SpongeBob:
Too tough for me?! That's ridiculous! I'll have you know that I stubbed my toe once while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes!

Reg:
Listen, kid. I think you'd be more comfortable over at that place.

SpongeBob:
Weenie Hut Juniors?! Are you saying I belong at Weenie Hut Juniors?!

Reg:
What? Sorry about that. I was actually pointing to the one next to it.

SpongeBob:
Super Weenie Hut Juniors?!

Drifter:
What's shakin', my man?

Reg:
Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before?

Drifter:
Doubt it. I'm a drifter. Just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough. Thought I'd check it out.

Reg:
Nice try, kid! I know it's you!

Drifter:
What are you talking about?

Reg:
[pulls on the drifter's hair] Aha!

SpongeBob:
[in a clown's wig] Hey, guys. How's it going?

Reg:
[tries to fix the drifter's hair, but can't] You can go on in. Sorry about that. [to SpongeBob] What do you want?

SpongeBob:
I wanna gain access to your social club please. I believe my hairdo is in order.

[Reg takes the wig off SpongeBob]

SpongeBob:
[chuckles nervously] So, where do you stand on the whole Bald vs. Shaved debate?

Robotic Waiter:
Care for another sundae, weenie?

SpongeBob:
I am not a weenie!

Nerd 1:
Relax, you're among friends.

SpongeBob:
My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr.'s!

Patrick:
[slurping a soda] You tell 'em, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, what are you doing here?!

Patrick:
I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesday.

Nerd 1:
Actually they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.

Nerd 2:
And besides, today's Monday.

Patrick:
Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday?

Nerd 1:
Uh, that's now on Sunday.

Patrick:
Barnicles!

Nerd 2:
Super Weenie Hut Jr.'s has a Mega Weenie Monday.

Nerd 1:
Uh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday

SpongeBob:
I don't have time for this!

Nerd 1:
Hey, how come you never help us with any of our problems?

Robotic Waiter:
I am a robot, not a miracle worker.

SpongeBob:
This is the happiest day of my life! [runs into Salty Spitoon]

[Cuts away to the inside of ambulance, where SpongeBob is injured and Sandy stands beside him]

SpongeBob:
Sandy? [groans] What happened?

Sandy:
You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube.

Dr. Gill Gilliam:
[at hospital] What happened?

SpongeBob:
I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.

Dr. Gill Gilliam:
Boo-boos, eh? Hmm... I think you guys want that hospital. [points to other building]

SpongeBob:
Weenie Hut General?!

Squidward:
Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they're going to see I'm just a big phony and a loser!

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin. [music plays as he moves his claw together]

Squidward:
This is serious.

Mr. Krabs:
I know, this really is the world's smallest violin. [a close-up of the extremely tiny violin is shown] See?

Mr. Krabs:
Squi...Squi...Squi...Squilliam? [picture of a unibrow appears over his head] The guy that made millions, doing what you wish you could do?

Squidward:
Don't rub it in.

Mr. Krabs:
Why didn't you tell me? We'll take him to the cleaners

Inside Spongebob's thoughts:
Just got an order from the boss: dump everything that isn’t about fine dining!

Spongebobs:
Everything?!

Boss Spongebob:
Everything! Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?

Other Spongebob:
You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

Boss Spongebob:
One more crack like that, and you're outta here!

Other Spongebob:
No! Please! I have three kids!

SpongeBob:
Squidward's father... never hugged him... isn't that sad?

Mr. Krabs:
Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Squidward can hug himself DURING HIS BREAK!

Mr. Krabs:
You're gonna interrogate my blender?

Squidward:
We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs. But how?

SpongeBob:
Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.

Squidward:
They poop on the robot?

Squidward:
Spongebob, I never thought I'd say this, but, let's get that poop!

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob! Squidward! What's the meaning of this? Untie me this instant!

Squidward:
Shut up! (slaps Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs:
Sweet Davy Jones, what the heck is going on?

Squidward:
I said shut up, you bucket of bolts! (slaps him again)

SpongeBob:
I can't take it! (runs off, crying)

Squidward:
SpongeBob, are you okay?

SpongeBob:
Oh, Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!

Squidward:
No, that's not Mr. Krabs. That's Robot Krabs. (Mr. Krabs is trying to get out of his chair)

SpongeBob:
Oh, yeah.

Squidward:
And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know.

SpongeBob:
Right. (slaps Mr. Krabs)

Squidward:
SpongeBob, you gotta ask him a question first.

SpongeBob:
Oh yeah. What color is my underwear? (slaps him again)

Squidward:
SpongeBob, let me handle this. (turns a light on Mr. Krabs) Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs. (Squid slaps him again)

Squidward:
We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
I'm Mr. Krabs.

SpongeBob:
Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
I'm Mr. Krabs.

Squidward:
Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!

SpongeBob:
This is one stubborn robot.

Mr. Krabs:
(yells) WHAT?! (his yelling knocks over the light) YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!

Squidward:
We don't think; we know.

Mr. Krabs:
That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I AM MR. KRABS!!!

Squidward:
(to SpongeBob) He's not cracking. We'll never get it out of him this way.

SpongeBob:
I got an idea. Keep an eye on him, Squidward. Don't fall for any of his robo-tricks. (walks off and then comes back with a blender) If Robot Krabs won't tell us where Mr. Krabs is, maybe one of his little robot friends will.

Squidward:
Uh, SpongeBob. That's a blender.

SpongeBob:
Yeah, but I saw Mr. Krabs talking to his radio before. He called it his "little buddy".

Squidward:
Oh, really? But it on the table, SpongeBob.

Mr. Krabs:
You're gonna interrogate me blender. You're crazy.

Squidward:
We're just gonna see what your "little buddy" knows. (holds up a bat)

Mr. Krabs:
No, wait! What are you gonna do with me blender?! That cost me money!

Squidward:
Where's Mr. Krabs? (pause for a few seconds) Not talkin', eh? (smashes the blender0

Mr. Krabs:
NO!!! That cost me $24.95!

SpongeBob:
I guess it didn't know anything.

Squidward:
Go get the toaster.

(SpongeBob pulls out the toaster)

Mr. Krabs:
No, not me toaster! That cost me $32.50! (Squidward smashes the toaster; SpongeBob pulls out a food processor) $62.67! (Squidward smashes the food processor; SpongeBob pulls out a coffee maker) $4... well, actually, that one was a gift. (Squidward smashes the coffee maker) NOOOO!!!

Squidward:
Uh, SpongeBob? How did that movie of yours end?

SpongeBob:
The movie? Oh, yeah! The ending was great! Turns out there weren't any robots after all. It was just their... imagination. [chuckles nervously as if he anticipates Squidward to be angry at him, then checks his watch] Hey, it's time to feed Gary. [runs out while Squidward smiles nervously at Mr. Krabs and sweeps all the broken pieces on the floor using a broom as an angry Mr. Krabs becomes infuriated about being accused of being a robot; scene cuts to exterior shot of Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs:
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, SQUIDWARD!!!!!!!

SpongeBob:
I am a happy sponge!

Patrick:
I want to be the mom!

SpongeBob:
I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.

Patrick:
You're right. if I was a mom... [the camera draws back to reveal Patrick's hairy, obese, unsightly form] ...this would be kind of shocking. [lifts his arms, revealing armpit hair] Just call me Daddy!

[Patrick is watching TV after he gets back from work]

SpongeBob:
Patrick, we need to talk!

Patrick:
Just one more minute, I gotta...

SpongeBob:
Don't "one more minute" me, Mr. Man! [turns off the TV]

Patrick:
Hey, I'm missing the coconut!

SpongeBob:
OVERTIME?!?!

[Patrick and SpongeBob are having a huge fight when the scallop's chirping interrupts them]

Patrick:
There's that stupid noise again!

SpongeBob:
Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of the two-story window.

[Patrick and SpongeBob see Junior teetering on the edge of the window of SpongeBob's house]

Patrick:
Oh.

[All at once Patrick and Spongebob are struck by what's happening]

Patrick & SpongeBob:
JUNIOR!!!!!

SpongeBob:
Did you catch him?

Patrick:
[looking sadly at his empty hands] No.

Patrick & SpongeBob:
[crying] We're bad parents!

[As SpongeBob and Patrick watch the scallop fly away]

SpongeBob:
Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.

Patrick:
This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.

SpongeBob:
Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.

Patrick:
Yeah... Let's have another!

[SpongeBob looks alarmed]

[Mr. Krabs sees the pandemonium SpongeBob and Patrick are causing in the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs:
What the devilfish is going on here? Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money! And that's just sick.

SpongeBob:
But we were performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real bad.

Mr. Krabs:
What stupid barnacle told you that?

[Squidward smiles sheepishly and hides his face behind the magazine he's reading]

SpongeBob:
Patrick?

Patrick:
Yeah, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
[gazing around at Mr. Krabs' numerous valuables on the walls] Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?

Patrick:
No way, SpongeBob! We're not getting paid to move stuff.

SpongeBob:
Patrick, we're not getting paid at all.

Patrick:
Well, that's what I said. We're not getting paid, and that's final!

SpongeBob:
Okay, we'll just paint around this stuff.

Patrick:
Good. Just don't pay me.

[SpongeBob dips his brush into one of the cans of paint and tentatively approaches one of the walls]

SpongeBob:
All right, Patrick, let's get started painting this wall, with the permanent paint that we're not allowed to get on anything but the wall! Well, here we go.

[A time card reading "One hour later" appears on the screen]

Narrator:
One hour later...

SpongeBob:
[sweating profusely] Just a few more seconds of mental preparation, and I'll be painting this wall.

[The next time card reads "Two hours later"]

Narrator:
Two hours later...

[SpongeBob is still standing in the same spot, and not a drop of paint has touched the wall]

SpongeBob:
I'm getting to the painting...

[The next time card reads "Three hours later"]

Narrator:
Three hours later...

Patrick:
[pulls the time card out of the scene] Could you move it along? I'm all out of time cards.

[SpongeBob sees, to his great horror, a giant paint bubble floating in the air]

SpongeBob:
Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?!

Patrick:
Oh, I know! [takes a bubble wand out of his pocket, dips it eagerly into his own can of paint, and blows out a second paint bubble] Two giant paint bubbles!

SpongeBob:
Don't!

[The two bubbles merge together to form one colossal bubble]

SpongeBob:
Patrick?

Patrick:
Yeah, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
I don't think this bubble can get much bigger!

Patrick:
Nonsense! [starts blowing up the bubble even more with a bicycle pump]

Patrick:
This is all Mr. Krabs' fault! If he hadn't hung that stupid dollar in the first place! I mean, it's not like it looks any different from a regular dollar! Why hang it?! You could just stick any old dollar bill up on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well just reach into my wallet, pull out a dollar, and put it on the wall! And it wouldn't even--

SpongeBob:
Hurry, Patrick, get your wallet out!

Patrick:
[fishing his wallet out of his back pocket] I don't see where you're going with this--hey, a dollar!

SpongeBob:
Our butts are saved, Patrick! Now all we have to do is-- [Patrick puts it in a vending machine] NO! PATRICK! NO! [the dollar comes back out of the machine] PAT! GET IT! GET IT! GET IT! PAT! GET IT! [Patrick puts the dollar back into the machine] Noooooo! [the dollar comes back out again] GRAB IT PAT! GRAB IT! GRAB IT! [Patrick puts the dollar back in again] Nooo-hoooo!

Patrick:
[chewing a candy bar] Want a bite?

Mr. Krabs:
Criminy-Jim-Jam! You messed up my DOLLAR...ama. [walks up to a carefully assorted display of dolls, SpongeBob and Patrick kneel looking dumbfounded]

Mr. Krabs:
All the dolls in this doller-ama were perfectly aligned. [aligns a doll] And you boys thought I wouldn't notice! Oh well, I guess no harm done. Ah well, boys, you're free to go.

[Mr. Krabs sees SpongeBob hanging from the spot where his first dollar is supposed to be]

SpongeBob:
Hi, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
Spongebob, what are you doing?

SpongeBob:
Oh, just...you know...hanging around.

Patrick:
[flashing a thumbs-down] Boo!

Mr. Krabs:
Get down onto the floor, boy.

[SpongeBob stretches out his body, so that his feet touch the floor. Mr. Krabs is not amused]

Mr. Krabs:
All right, now you're just being silly.

[Mr. Krabs sees his paint-covered dollar]

Mr. Krabs:
Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?

Patrick & SpongeBob:
We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
And then did you draw on it with crayon?

[A smiling face is seen scrawled on the front of the dollar. SpongeBob looks at Patrick, who holds up a crayon innocently]

Patrick:
I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

Mr. Krabs:
[angrily] All right boys! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO NOW?!

SpongeBob:
[scared] You mean our butts?

Patrick:
Can I use mine one last time?

[Mr. Krabs takes his dollar and gives it one great big lick. When he puts it back on the wall, every last trace of paint and crayon is gone]

Mr. Krabs:
[satisfied] There we go, good as new.

[Patrick and SpongeBob are dumbfounded, and start babbling]

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva.

SpongeBob:
[beaming] Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!

Mr. Krabs:
Nah, I just like to mess with ya!

[Mr. Krabs bursts into gales of laughter. SpongeBob and Patrick both scowl, and walk out the front door in a huff. Mr. Krabs laughs so hard that saliva sprays out of his mouth, causing the paint to ooze down his walls. When he's finally stopped laughing enough to see what's going on, his house is a mess]

Mr. Krabs:
Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

Patrick:
Squidward! Your ceiling is talking to me!

Squidward:
Are you going to order something or make friends with the panelling?

Patrick:
Uh... I'll have an uh... uhh... [falls asleep]

Squidward:
[snapping his fingers to wake Patrick] Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else!

Narrator:
Uh, uh, uh, Squidward. Remember what Mr. Krabs said...

Mr. Krabs:
The money is always right!

Patrick:
The ceiling iss right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.

Squidward:
[irritated] Fine! May I please take your order?!

Patrick:
I'll have a... uhhhhhh...

Narrator:
Psst. Squidward. Remember: P.O.O.P.!

Squidward:
Patrick, if I could make a suggestion, why don't you order a Krabby Patty?

Patrick:
Great idea, Squidward! One Krabby Patty, please.

Squidward:
[sighs] Is that for here or to go? [gasps, covers his mouth]

Patrick:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

[Squidward bangs his head on the cash register repeatedly]

Narrator:
Don't worry, Squidward, it's all part of the job.

Narrator:
[about Squidward] Hmm... inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eye, pay close attention to the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button.

Narrator:
Ah, P.O.O.P, you never let us down!

Mr. Krabs:
Now are you gonna order something, or just stand there, 'cause there's a standin' fee.

Narrator:
[to an estatic Spongebob, who is hoping to start making a Krabby Patty] Are you ready?

[SpongeBob nods vigorously]

Narrator:
Are you sure?

[SpongeBob nods so fast he nearly severs his head]

Narrator:
Okay! The Secret Formula is- [episode ends]

Narrator:
Sounds like a lot of....

Random little fish:
[interrupting the Narrator] HOOPLA!!!!

Narrator:
Sounds like a lot of....

Random little fish:
HOOPLA!!!!

Narrator:
Sounds like a....

Random little fish:
HOOPLA!!!! HOOPLA!!!!

[Narrator throws brick at fish which knocks him out]

Narrator:
Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over one Krabby Patty right? Haha, WRONG!!!!!

Patrick:
[reading his name tag that says, "HELLO, MY NAME IS PATRICK" upside down] Kirtap si eman, Y, M, O, 77, eh. I don't get it.

Mr. Krabs:
No, you dumb bunny! It says "Hello, my name is Patrick"!

Patrick:
[shakes his hand] Nice to meet you, Patrick!

[looking at discussion cards]

Mr. Krabs:
What does yours say, Plankton?

Plankton:
Um... Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty." [the card actually reads, "Where are you from?"] Ahem... How interesting.

Mr. Krabs:
Nice try, Plankton.

SpongeBob:
I can take losing the topic cards and the phone in punchbowl, but I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAD THE BUNNY HOP! THIS IS A BUNCH OF BARNACLES! I'M BREAKING IN!

SpongeBob:
Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

[They knock on a door]

Blue Fish:
Hello?

Patrick:
I love you.

[The blue fish slams the door shut]

SpongeBob:
I think you laid it a teensy bit thick there, 'ol pal. Let me give it a try. [rings the bell]

Blue Fish:
Please, g-go away!

SpongeBob:
Hey uh, [coughs] ho-how ya doin'?

Blue Fish:
How am I doin'?

SpongeBob:
Wanna buy some chocolate?

Patrick:
WE GOT 'IM NOW!

Blue Fish:
Sorry, chocolate is sugar, and sugar is bubbling fat. Isn't that right, blubber boy?

Patrick:
[his stomach is bubbling; he laughs] It tickles.

Blue Fish:
[holding up a photo of him as a very obese 13-year old] As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang.

[Patrick takes the photo]

Blue Fish:
You can keep that for $5.

Patrick:
[holds up cash]] I'll take 10!

SpongeBob:
Good afternoon, sir. Can we interest you in some... [holds up chocolate bar] chocolate?

Tom:
Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?!

Patrick:
Yes, sir! With or without nuts?

Tom:
Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!!! CHOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!! CHOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!! [terrified, Spongebob and Patrick run away Tom then chases them while madly screaming 'CHOCOLATE!!!']

[SpongeBob rings the doorbell and the same con-artist who sold them a bunch of candy bar bags appears.]

Con-artist:
Yes?

SpongeBob:
Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

Con-artist:
I don't recall, but it looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.

Patrick:
We'll take twenty!

Con-artist:
Such nice boys, it does my heart good to [unwraps bandages] con a coupla class-A suckaroonies like those too Ha Ha!

Mary:
Yes?

SpongeBob:
Hello, young lady! [Patrick giggles] We're selling chocolate. Is your mother home?

Mary:
MOM!

[Mary's mother, just a brain and spinal cord of a creature, pulls up in a wheelchair.]

Mary's Mother:
What?! What?! What's all the yelling? [SpongeBob and Patrick react] You just can't wait for me to die, can you?

Mary:
They're selling chocolate!

Mary's Mother:
They're selling chocolate?

Mary:
Yeah!

Mary's Mother:
What? What are they selling?

Mary:
Chocolate!

Mary's Mother:
What?

Mary:
Chocolate!

Mary's Mother:
I can't hear you!

Mary:
THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATE!

Mary's Mother:
They're selling chocolate?!

Mary:
YEAH!

Mary's Mother:
Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always HATED IT!

SpongeBob:
Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating, it's for...

Patrick:
You rub it on your skin, and it makes you live forever!

Mary:
No, no, no...

Mary's Mother:
Live forever, you say? I'll take one!

[Disgusted, Mary hands SpongeBob the money.]

Mary's Mother:
Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!

Mary:
[to SpongeBob] I HATE YOU! [slams door]

SpongeBob:
[to Patrick] If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!

Patrick:
Hooray for lying!

Tom:
CHOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are on the ground, begging Tom not to hurt them]

Tom:
[laughing maniacally] FINALLY!! I've been trying to catch you boys ALL DAY! NOW THAT I GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU… [calms down instantly] I like to buy all your chocolate! [holds up a mountain of cash]

[Chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's pants, followed by a Hershey kiss, then he and SpongeBob melt like chocolate]

SpongeBob:
Thank you for your patronage.

SpongeBob:
Remember, Patrick, focus. [walks up to house and knocks on door, the tenant answers]

Purple fish:
Yes?

Spongebob:
Good evening, sir. We're selling chocolate bars.

[Patrick's eyes zoom in and out of his head towards the customer]

Purple fish:
Why is chubby here staring at me?

Patrick:
Focusing...

[the customer backs into his house with Patrick's eyes following him]

Purple fish:
Back up, Jack! [slams his door on Patrick's eyes and they look around]

Patrick:
Nice place you got here!

SpongeBob:
I can't understand what we're doing wrong.

Patrick:
I can't understand anything [munches on a chocolate bar]

SpongeBob:
[referring to Barnacle Chips] They are most certainly NOT delicious!

Patrick:
Not the way I use 'em!

SpongeBob:
Yet they sell millions of bags a day.

Patrick:
Well, maybe if they didn't strecth the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.

SpongeBob:
Let's face it, Patrick. We're failures.

Patrick:
I can live with that.

SpongeBob:
Let's change our names to "Why" and "Bother."

Barnacle Boy:
You've lost, Mermaid Man, and the Superhero/Supervillain Rulebook says you have to give in to my demands!

Mermaid Man:
Okay. What do you want?

Man-Ray:
World domination! Tell him we want world domination!

Dirty Bubble:
Oh, and make him eat dirt, hmm hmm! [Man-Ray looks at him questioningly] In addition to the domination thing...

Barnacle Boy:
Number one, I want to be treated like a superhero, not a sidekick. Number two, I want to be called Barnacle Man. And number three...

Man-Ray:
Come on, domination...

Barnacle Boy:
I want an adult-size Krabby Patty.

Dirty Bubble:
...Did you hear him say anything about eating dirt?

Spongebob:
Holy oil spill, It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch nemesis, Man Ray and The Dirty Bubble!

Mermaid Man:
Who wants to save the world?

SpongeBob:
I do!

Sandy:
I do.

Patrick:
I do.

Squidward:
I don't.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh yes you do. No world means no money. Now go save the world, or you're fired!

Mermaid Man:
A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. Hmmm! [KA-BRAN!] Goes right through me every time.

Barnacle Man:
You might as well give up, Mermaid Man. There's three of us and only one of you. You don't stand a chance.

[Mermaid Man is introducing SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward to the original costumes of the International Justice League of Super Acquaintances]

Mermaid Man:
Once you put on these costume, their fantastic powers will become yours.

Sandy:
Wow, I didn't think superpowers worked that way.

Mermaid Man:
Sure! Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?

Squidward:
I can think of three good reasons.

Barnacle Boy:
I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra!

The Chief:
It seems we have some information on the werabouts of Evil.

Patrick:
The whosa'bouts of what?

Barnacle Boy:
I say if you're not going to give me the respect I want as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is...evil.

SpongeBob:
Evil??

Mr. Krabs, Squidward, Patrick, & Sandy:
Evil?? (Mr. Krabs slaps MM)

Mermaidman:
EVIL!!!

Barnacle Boy:
I'm crossing over to the dark side! (points to dark side of Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs:
Why should I waste money lighting the whole store?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, little patty. We're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster." [eats patty] "Hmm...so THAT'S what I taste like."

[SpongeBob and Patrick start punching. The class cheers, and then stops. SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting, but not touching each other]

Fish:
This is embarassing. [crowd disperses]

Mrs. Puff:
[picks up SpongeBob and Patrick by their heads] What's going on here? Well?

Patrick:
SpongeBob and I were fighting.

Mrs. Puff:
[gasps] Fighting? Spongebob Squarepants, I can't believe I'm saying this but, you and your friend are sentenced...to detention!

SpongeBob:
Detention?!

Mrs. Puff:
May Neptune have mercy on your souls! [zooms out, to reveal that Mrs. Puff was shining a flashlight at her face, she turns the flashlight off]

[Spongebob is twitching in pain and has his head down on his desk after Mrs. Puff dramatically pulls one of his good noodle stars off the board]

Patrick:
Mrs. Puff, is it nap time?

SpongeBob:
I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!

Patrick:
I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED AND SHOT THE SPITBALLS--

SpongeBob:
I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!

Patrick:
ME TOO! LET'S SAVE ROGER!

Mrs Puff:
Come on now, tell the class your name. Don't be nervous. (Patrick gets nervous) We just want to know your name. (Patrick gets more nervous)

Patrick:
24!

SpongeBob:
(Holding in laughter) Patrick

Patrick:
(Also holding in laughter) What

SpongeBob:
I thought of something funnier then 24

Patrick:
Let me hear it

Spongebob:
25

Patrick:
Psst, Spongebob. (grunts as he throws a piece of waded up paper at Spongebob) Psst, Spongebob! (throws a book at Spongebob) Spongebob? (spits a bunch of spitballs on Spongebob's face) Spongebob? Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important.

Spongebob:
What?

Patrick:
Hi.

SpongeBob:
Poor Mr. Krabs, gone forever out of our lives... [crying] Why couldn't it have been me?!

Squidward:
[crying] Yes, why couldn't it have been you?!

SpongeBob:
Why did he have to go like this, why?!

Squidward:
Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?!

Squidward:
SpongeBob, come over here. Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone COMPLETELY INSANE?!

SpongeBob:
What do you mean?

Squidward:
Just look at him! [Mr. Krabs is shown crying upon a grave that says "R.I.P. Me Millionth Dollar"]

SpongeBob:
Squidward, he's lost something near and dear to him, haven't you- [is interrupted by Mr. Krabs' maniacal laugh]

Squidward:
Look again. [Mr. Krabs is shown pulling out his eyes and using them as a skipping rope, laughing crazily]

SpongeBob:
[scared] You're right. How do we get out of here!?

Mr. Krabs:
Wait a minute. This ain't me millionth dollar. This is an ordinary dollar that's been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon and kissed with Coral Blue Number Two Semi-Gloss lipstick.

Spongebob (shows that he's wearing the aforementioned lipstick):
Actually, it's Coral Blue Number Three! [Squidward smacks him in the head]

Patrick:
[to his pet rock at the race track] Don't worry Rocky. Take your time.

Announcer:
And what a beautiful day for this sport of kings of which I am a huge fan... Seriously, I'm just a fan. I was on my way to my seat, the door was open--

Perch Perkins:
Hey, what are you doing?! [the fan runs out, Perch chuckles] Sorry about that, folks.

Squidward:
Snelly's a purebred.

Patrick:
Wow, a snail made out of bread!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, your snail is a rock.

Patrick:
Yeah, thanks, I know. He's got nerves of steel.

Squidward:
Talk to me.

Mailman:
Package, sir.

Squidward:
[looks at the package] Oh boy, it's finally here. Thank you.

Mailman:
No, thank you Mr. uh... "Tennisballs."

Squidward:
That's "Tentacles"! [slams door]

SpongeBob:
Squidward's last name is "Tentacles"?

Patrick:
Poor guy...

SpongeBob:
Well I guess I can't enter Gary in that (the Bikini Bottom Snail Race)? Sunday's laundry day.

Squidward:
No, you can't enter Gary because he's a mutt.

[Gary is seen in the appearance of a hillbilly]

SpongeBob:
Yeah, you got that right. Gary's no-- Hey! What makes you think Gary can't compete?

Squidward:
Papers. [holds up his snail's certificate]

Patrick:
[reads the certificate] Hmm... "Property of Squidward...Tentpoles."

Squidward:
THAT'S TENNISBALLS! I mean TENTACLES!

SpongeBob:
[in a personal trainer uniform] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies. [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use.

[Cut to Sandy walking down a road. She suddenly halts and looks confused]

Sandy:
Hmm, I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.

SpongeBob:
Oh Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you tell me I was pushing you too hard?

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
You did? Oh Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
You did?

Patrick:
Don't worry, Squidward. I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.

Squidward:
Gosh Patrick, thanks. [reads the inscription] "The First Place Snail Racing Cup Presented To Squidward...TORTELLINI?" Will I ever win?

[They all laugh; then Sandy appears and kicks SpongeBob's backside, sending him flying out of the stadium in doing so]

Sandy:
THAT'S FOR YESTERDAY, SQUAREPANTS!

Mr. Krabs:
Look Squidward! Money!

Squidward:
Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents?!

Mr. Krabs:
You think I could've gotten more?

SpongeBob:
Wait just a burger-flipping second. (Flying Dutchman turns around)

Flying Dutchman:
Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?

SpongeBob:
That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants.

SpongeBob:
Hey, Sandy, watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.

Squidward:
Stop naming moves after me.

SpongeBob:
[imitating Squidward] Everyone's an idiot except for me!

Squidward:
Well it's true. [drinks tea]

Sandy:
[yelling] Spongebob, land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!

Spongebob:
[takes pants off while falling] Like this?

Patrick:
[yelling] No, your other bottom!

Sandy:
[to Patrick] Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?

Patrick:
Not until four.

[SpongeBob lands hard on the ground and breaks his butt into a thousand pieces.]

Sandy:
Ohhh...that's gotta hurt!

Patrick:
[turns head back] Do it again, I wasn't looking!

Patrick:
[after SpongeBob refuses to leave his house] I guess I'll have to find a new best friend... Hey Squidward--

Squidward:
No! [slams window shut]

SpongeBob:
I don't need the wish, Penny. Everything I could ever want is right here. In fact, let's sing our own song about the joy of staying indoors: [singing] I know of a place... where you never get harmed... a magical place... with magical charms... Indoors! Indoors! [sustained] Iiiindoooors~! [normal voice] Take it away, Penny!

[A brief pause, showing his personified Penny clearly not doing anything.]

Patrick:
[shedding a tear] That Penny has the most beautiful voice.

Sandy:
AAAH! A REAL GORILLA!

SpongeBob:
Hello, friends. Enjoying the outside world?

Sandy:
What y'all doing sitting in the middle of the floor like that?

SpongeBob:
Oh, living out the remainder of my life, in safety. If you guys were smart, you were join me. That accident made me realize that it's dangerous out there. I was the one of the lucky ones. I'm a survivor. And so I simply decided that I'm never leaving my house again.

Sandy:
That's crazy talk!

Patrick:
That's not crazy talk. This is crazy talk! [Gibberish blabbing, and Sandy punch him to shut him up] Sorry.

Mr. Krabs:
Krabby Land: Where a kid can have fun...for the right price!

SpongeBob:
You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. But all I saw out there was...Cheapy the Cheapskate!

Mr. Krabs:
Hey, I ain't cheap! [rubs the clown nose on his shirt, which turns out red] Now, put this tomato in the oven before it spoils.

Squidward:
Ah, Squidward, you've waited a long time for this. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no [imitates SpongeBob's laugh].

[Squidward starts playing sour notes on his clarinet]

SpongeBob:
Oh, no! [takes a marshmallow and a slingshot and takes aim] I'll save you, Squidward!

[SpongeBob fires the marshmallow into Squidward's clarinet. It goes all the way into the back of Squidward's throat. At once the music stops and Squidward falls over backward. SpongeBob rushes over and kneels at Squidward's side]

SpongeBob:
[frantically] Squidward, are you all right? [guides Squidward's jaw up and down] That's it, chew, chew! Now swallow. [Squidward swallows, and gasps loudly for air] There, better?

Squidward:
[angrily] Better?! I was just fine until you launched that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!

SpongeBob:
Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Like, once, I met this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy's cousin--

Squidward:
You're right! I should be more careful.

SpongeBob:
I call this one "The Campfire Song" song.

Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song

Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song

And if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong

But it'll help if you just sing along

Patrick:
BUM BUM BUM...

SpongeBob:
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song [Patrick not keeping up]

And if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong

But it'll help if you just sing along

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song, PATRICK!

Patrick:
Song! C-A-M-P-F-I

SpongeBob:
Squidward!

[Squidward says nothing]

SpongeBob:
Good!

It'll help...

It'll help...

If you just sing along! [SpongeBob screams and breaks his guitar; Patrick slams a drum over his head]

SpongeBob:
OH, YEAH!! Now, wasn't that relaxing?

Squidward:
Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are going to stew up some twigs and rocks.

SpongeBob:
Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows! [holds up a bag of marshmallows, takes one and eats it] Mmmm-mmmm! Just like the astronauts eat!

SpongeBob:
[as an astronaut] SpongeBob to Patrick, help yourself!

Patrick:
Yummy! [takes a marshmallow and crams it into his mouth] Patrick to SpongeBob, the deliciousness has landed!

Squidward:
Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows. I'm going to have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls, just as soon as I can get my can opener.

SpongeBob:
But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener with you when you hiked out here?

Squidward:
Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.

Squidward:
Why don't you tell me all the things I shouldn't do, if I want to keep the sea bears away?

SpongeBob:
Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.

Squidward:
Okay. And?

SpongeBob:
Never wave a flashlight back and forth really fast.

Patrick:
Flashlights are their natural prey.

Squidward:
You're kidding.

SpongeBob:
Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.

Squidward:
[jotting down notes onto a pad of paper] Go on!

SpongeBob:
Never eat cheese.

Squidward:
Sliced, or cubed?

[Patrick and SpongeBob have a quick discussion]

SpongeBob:
Cubed. Sliced is fine.

Squidward:
Yeah? Yeah?

SpongeBob:
Never wear a sombrero--

Patrick:
--in a goofy fashion.

SpongeBob:
Or clown shoes.

Patrick:
Or a hoop skirt.

SpongeBob:
And never--

Patrick:
--ever--

SpongeBob:
--EVER--

Patrick:
GUH!

SpongeBob & Patrick:
--SCREECH LIKE A CHIMPANZEEEEEE!

Squidward:
Wow! It's amazing how so many things can set a sea bear off.

SpongeBob & Patrick:
[hugging each other] They're horrible!

Squidward:
And, all of a sudden, I have the sense we're all in danger.

SpongeBob & Patrick:
Why?

Squidward:
I don't know. [disappears and returns two seconds later wearing a sombrero, a hoop skirt, clown shoes, and holding a flashlight in one hand and a platter of cubed cheese in the other] Just a feeling!

SpongeBob:
No.

Squidward:
Yes.

SpongeBob:
No!

[Squidward starts screeching like a chimpanzee]

SpongeBob & Patrick:
SQUIDWARD, PLEASE DON'T!

[Squidward screeches like a chimpanzee louder, leaning left and right]

[Squidward has just been pummeled by a vicious sea bear]

SpongeBob:
Quick, jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!

Patrick:
Yeah, sea bears often attack more than once!

Squidward:
Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life!

SpongeBob & Patrick:
No!

[The sea bear comes back and starts mauling Squidward again]

SpongeBob:
Don't run! Sea bears hate that!

Squidward:
Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.

SpongeBob & Patrick:
No!

[The sea bear comes back and beats Squidward up even more]

SpongeBob:
They hate limping more than running!

Squidward:
Well, maybe I'll just...

[The sea bear comes back and beats Squidward up again]

SpongeBob:
I should have warned you about crawling.

[The sea bear attacks Squidward yet again]

Squidward:
What'd I do that time?

SpongeBob:
I don't know. I guess he just doesn't like you!

Patrick:
Pretend to be somebody else!

[SpongeBob throws Squidward a stick]

SpongeBob:
Here, draw a circle!

Squidward:
Okay.

[The sea bear comes back and attacks once more]

SpongeBob:
That was an oval. It has to be a circle!

Squidward:
Move over!

[Squidward, bruised and bandaged, joins SpongeBob and Patrick inside their anti-sea-bear circle. The sea bear comes back, but then notices the circle, so he cannot attack. Instead, he merely growls angrily at Squidward, and leaves]

Squidward:
Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [They cheer]

SpongeBob:
Yeah. I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.

Squidward:
What attracts them?

Patrick:
The sound of a sea bear attack.

SpongeBob:
[zooms out to reveal a sea rhino snorting, right next to them] Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments, right, Squidward?

Squidward:
...huh?

SpongeBob:
Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real! It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer! (holds up the magazine)

Squidward:
(reads cover) "I Married a Sea Bear?

Patrick:
Yeah, and Fake Science Monthly! (holds up the magazine)

Squidward:
(reads cover) "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real?" That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Patrick:
Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!

Squidward:
Let me guess. It's at home. Under your mattress.

[Mr. Krabs gasps, then runs home at top speed]

Mr. Krabs:
Curse you, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob, why don't you hose out the men's room?

SpongeBob:
With pleasure, sir!

Mr. Krabs:
Plankton! You knew I would never distrust a dollar!

Plankton:
That's right, Krabs. Now hand over the secret krabby patty formula!

Mr. Krabs:
Or what?

Plankton:
I don't know. I'd never thought I'd get this far.

Mr. Krabs:
Well, then, allow me to suggest your next move.

Plankton:
[while being flushed down a toilet] YEEEEOOOOOOWWWW! Curse you, Krabs!

Karen:
It's not that big a deal. You just require a little help. Maybe some henchmen?

Plankton:
Henchmen?

Karen:
Yes. All you need to do is surround yourself with muscular tough guys that will do whatever you say.

Plankton:
I like the sound of that. I'll canvass all the seediest lowbrow dives in town to find my minions. And I know just how to speak their language. [to some big guys playing pool] Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropiate the formulary for the preparation of affordable comestibles! WHO WILL JOIN ME?!

Mr Krabs:
Curse you, Plankton, and your ability to join together to form a working human ear!

Plankton:
Victory, thy name is Plankton! [turns around, revealing a paper taped to his back which says "SHELDON"]

Mr. Krabs:
Wait! You can't look at the formula!

Plankton:
Begging won't help.

Mr. Krabs:
I'm telling you! You won't be able to handle the truth! There are some things in this world that weren't meant for mortal eyes!

Plankton:
Eye.

Mr. Krabs:
Eye.

Plankton:
I don't care! Drumroll, please! [taps a snare drum] Finally, after all these years, I'm about to find out what makes a krabby patty taste so good! The secret recipe for one krabby patty is a pinch of salt...

Mr. Krabs:
No, Plankton!

Plankton:
...three teaspoons of chopped onions...

Mr. Krabs:
I'm warning you!

Plankton:
...a cup of love...

Mr. Krabs:
Don't do it!

Plankton:
...mixed together with the most important ingredient of all: four heaping pounds of freshly ground...plankton? [looks at Mr. Krabs in shock]

Mr. Krabs:
I warned ya.

Plankton:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Plankton:
Can I have the secret formula?

Mr. Krabs:
No.

Plankton:
Okay. (walks away)

Mr. Krabs:
(voiceover) But he was persistent!

Plankton:
(comes back) Pretty please?

Mr. Krabs:
Uh-uh.

Plankton:
Attention, Krusty Krab management. This is your better speaking.

Mr. Krabs:
What?!

Plankton:
I have the restaurant surrounded. Give me the secret formula or I'll destroy the Krusty Krab!

Mr. Krabs:
"[Walking outside]" You and what army, bug?

Plankton:
"[Laughing]" What army? What army? Look around you, Krabs!, "[We see the billions of other Plankton surrounding the Krusty Krab]"

Mr. Krabs:
You planted grass?

Plankton:
Grass?! "[He laughs evilly, and all the other Plankton join in]"

Mr. Krabs:
Uh-oh

Plankton:
I'd like you to meet my computer wife, Karen.

Clem:
Golly, she is purdy, Sheldon.

Karen:
Sheldon?

Plankton:
(annoyed) Yes, that is my first name.(Karen cracks up; Plankton keeps an angry face)

Karen:
Sheldon?! (continues laughing)

Plankton:
(still has an annoyed face) Will you please-?!

Karen:
(still laughing) Sorry!

Plankton:
All right, as I was saying... (Karen starts laughing) Okay, we all know Sheldon is a funny name.

Karen:
(calms down) Okay, okay. I'm done. No more.

Plankton:
Good. Ahem, to continue. (turns away from Karen; he doesn't see the screen she brings down behind him; the word "SHELDON" appears on the screen) Only you can bring honor... (the family laughs, Plankton turns around to look at the screen; it is blank) ...and dignity... (the word "SHELDON", with a finger pointing at plankton, appears; the group laughs and Plankton turns around to look at the screen, which is now blank) ...back to the Plankton family. (as soon as Plankton speaks, another "SHELDON" sign appears, with an arrow pointing at Plankton; he turns around to look at the screen and shakes with fury; as he starts to speak, another "SHELDON" sign appears) For years, it has been my goal to acquire the secret formula for... AHA!(points at the screen) THAT'S IT! (unplugs Karen) Bottom line: we invade the Krusty Krab so I can steal the formula.

SpongeBob:
The most important meal of the day; serving it up Gary's way! BAA! Enjoy buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years and I don't even know what it tastes like. [tastes the snail food; his face turns green] BLEHHHHHHHH!*Echos*

[In snail food headquarters]

Woman:
What is it, Peterson?

Peterson:
I don't know, I feel...a disturbance.

Old Man Jenkins:
I knew no good would come from city folk and their flying machines!

Spongebob:
Why am I doing this? I don't even know you.

Dennis:
We went to elementary school together.

Spongebob:
Dennis!?

SpongeBob:
Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Squidward:
Another day, another migraine. [laughs] Mi--

Computer Voice:
On Time Percentage: 12%

Squidward:
--graine.

Tattle-tale Strangler:
For all we know, he could be the Strangler.

Patrick:
I'm the Strangler? I should've known! I gotta turn myself in! Aaah! [runs out to the police station, smashing though SpongeBob's house's wall on the way]

Spongebob So Patrick's the Strangler. [the Strangler starts fuming] Gee, ya think you know a guy-

Strangler:
HE'S NOT THE STRANGLER!!!

Spongebob:
He's not?

Strangler:
[tears off phony moustache] I AM!!!

Spongebob:
Hey, how'd you do that without shaving cream?

Strangler:
Aw, it's a 'FAKE' you idiot! I bought it at the party store!!!!!!

Squidward:
Did somebody say party?

SpongeBob:
Hmm, let's see, paper towels. [takes a roll off the shelf] This one says "best paper towel around." [takes another roll off the shelf] This one says "best paper towel in town." Hmm. [comparing the two] In town, around, in town, around. [turns to the Tattletale Strangler] What do you think bodyguard?

Tattle-tale Strangler:
[irritated] Whichever gets us to your house quicker!

SpongeBob:
I'll take both!

Clerk:
[gives Spongebob his dry cleaning] Here you go Mr. Squarepants.

SpongeBob:
Hmm...

Clerk:
Is there something wrong?

SpongeBob:
I'm not sure these are my pants.

Officer Nancy:
Good work, SpongeBob. You put the Strangler behind bars.

Strangler:
At least I'm safe from that yellow idiot. (Patrick is in the same cell as the Strangler)

Patrick:
Hey, Mac, what're you in for?

Spongebob:
Oh bodyguard, my body is in your guarding hands

[SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting over the invisible paint, they accidentally make their clothes disappear]

Patrick:
Hey, the invisible spray works!

Tom:
[drives the tour bus up right next to them] And on your right if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of spray paint! [the passengers laugh as the bus drives away]

Narrator:
Several bad puns later...

SpongeBob:
Wow, invisible spray!

Patrick:
[looking confused] But I can see it.

Random Bikini Bottomite:
(with a piece of toast) Toast!

Patrick:
We're not ghosts! The nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs!

Spongebob:
Patrick!

Patrick:
Yeah?

Spongebob:
We should have bought the whoopie cushion! (groans)

SpongeBob:
Don't worry, you will. [scene cuts to all three in a kiddie swimming pool] Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?

Are You Feeling It Now , Mr. Krabs?

That's so gross, did you get in blue or purple Squidward?

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!