The Big Bang Theory, Season 6

Amy:
Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?

Sheldon:
Every time you drink alcohol.

Amy:
You know what's wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.

Sheldon:
Your point being?

Amy:
[undoing her top button] Dessert is served.

Sheldon:
[unfazed] I just had cobbler.

Amy:
[redoing her top button] You know what? I'm done with this.

[She gets up and starts to leave]

Sheldon:
Where are you going?

Amy:
I'm leaving.

Sheldon:
You can't leave. I need you.

Amy:
[stopped in her tracks] You do?

Sheldon:
Yes. You're my ride.

Amy:
Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.

Sheldon:
All right. [Offers her a seat] Please. [She sits down] Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except...I know what kind of man I want to be.

Amy:
Sheldon...that was beautiful.

Sheldon:
I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.

Amy:
I'll take it.

Sheldon:
Good. Now, I assume we're splitting the check?

Raj:
You know, I'm growing to like American football.

Penny:
Yeah, it's fun, isn't it?

Raj:
Well, it's not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?

Penny:
All right, who's ready for another beer?

Leonard:
I'm good.

Raj:
No, thank you.

Penny:
Girls.

Raj:
Oh, I'm having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?

Leonard:
That's great. Get out.

Raj:
What? Why?

Leonard:
Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.

Raj:
Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you've always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.

Penny:
Okay, hold on…

Raj:
Now, don't blame yourself. He was a groveler from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.

Leonard:
Some people might say it was romantic.

Raj:
Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that's even after you and I had our crazy naked night.

Leonard:
Okay.

Penny:
That's enough.

Raj:
I'm just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other's eyes and say "I love you." And that's beautiful. [Penny looks sideways guiltily]

Leonard:
Actually, to this day, she's never really said it.

Raj:
Oh, Penny! That's ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.

Penny:
Raj!

Raj:
Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!

[Raj is ejected from the apartment]

Raj:
I really thought she would say it.

Sheldon:
This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.

Amy:
Well, I like it.

Sheldon:
Yeah, of course you do. You're a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.

Amy:
Just watch the movie.

Sheldon:
It's not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.

Amy:
There might be a reason for that.

Sheldon:
Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.

Amy:
Penny said she's not sure she wants to be Leonard's girlfriend anymore.

Sheldon:
Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.

Amy:
So?

Sheldon:
So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches' brew of his soda and spit?

Amy:
It's complicated.

Sheldon:
String theory is complicated. That's just yucky. Don't get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let's say that's true. Why doesn't Penny just end the relationship?

Amy:
She's not sure how she feels.

Sheldon:
How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They're fish with a sword for a nose.

Amy:
Regardless, don't say anything to Leonard.

Sheldon:
Now you're asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?

Amy:
Yes, please, Penny will kill me.

Sheldon:
Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it's another fish with a tool on its head.

Stuart:
Raisinet?

Sheldon:
Shh, we're trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.

Sheldon:
[Knock, knock, knock on the wall above Penny's bed] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams]

Penny:
Oh, my God, Sheldon?!

Sheldon:
You frightened me!

Penny:
What are you doing in my bedroom?

Sheldon:
Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.

Penny:
How did you even get in, you weirdo?

Sheldon:
Yeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it's weird?

Penny:
What do you want, Sheldon?

Sheldon:
Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you're up, we could talk.

Penny:
Talk about what?

Sheldon:
Oh, I don't know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend? Yeah, pick one, your choice.

Penny:
Sheldon.

Sheldon:
Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.

Penny:
Okay, go home, crazy man.

Sheldon:
Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today's North Korea, he's downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.

Penny:
Okay, what did Amy tell you?

Sheldon:
Oh, very well. I can't keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.

Penny:
Okay, you listen to me. I think it's really sweet you're trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?

Sheldon:
Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I'm a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?

Penny:
Of course not!

Sheldon:
Homeostasis refers to a system's ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.

Penny:
Worst bedtime story ever!

Sheldon:
My point is, I don't like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we're on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I'm not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

Penny:
Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?

Sheldon:
I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?

Penny:
Get out.

Sheldon:
[Turns to go, then stops] Penny?

Penny:
What?

Sheldon:
...Please don't hurt my friend.

Penny:
[Sighs] That is the last thing I want to do.

Sheldon:
[turns to leave, but turns back] Coconut, what were you thinking? Are you a hula girl now?

Raj:
Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?

Sheldon:
Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy's problem?

Raj:
I'm in her head. Let the dance begin.

Alex:
Here's your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.

Leonard:
This should be fun.

Sheldon:
Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?

Alex:
Yes.

Sheldon:
Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?

Alex:
Rainbow, not chocolate.

Sheldon:
Two cherries?

Alex:
One on top, one on the bottom.

Sheldon:
Stems removed?

Alex:
Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.

Leonard:
Oh!

Alex:
I'm so sorry, Dr. Cooper.

Sheldon:
It's all right, Alex. I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed.

Sheldon:
[arriving with Alex] Oh, good, Leonard, you're here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

Leonard:
What do you got?

Sheldon:
I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.

Leonard:
Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it's not exactly groundbreaking.

Sheldon:
The original title was "A Re-derivation of Maxwell's Equations Regarding Electromagnetism" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.

Alex:
Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.

Penny:
Oh, it's about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I'm Penny.

Alex:
Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?

Penny:
In a way. We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.

Alex:
Oh. Well, you're lucky. He seems very talented. And I'm sure a lot of people want to work with him.

Penny:
Well, a lot of people can't. Uh, hey.

Leonard:
Where are we going?

Penny:
My limbic system wants to take your pants off.

Alex:
She seems nice.

Sheldon:
Notice people on your own time. We're working.

Sheldon:
You know, I am very disappointed that I won't be able to celebrate Howard's accomplishment tonight.

Amy:
Me, too. But we'll see him tomorrow.

Sheldon:
Yes, it's just that in all the years I've known him, he's never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.

Penny:
You're unbelievable.

Sheldon:
I know.

[Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon kneel around the coffee table, each has a blueberry pie before them]

Penny:
Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.

Amy:
On the count of 3. 1... 2...

Sheldon:
Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.

Leonard:
So?

Sheldon:
So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

Leonard:
Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!

Sheldon:
That's rude.

Amy:
1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]

Howard:
Hey guys, guess who's back from space!

All four:
NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]

Sheldon:
Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!

Leonard:
Snort it down and keep eating!

Penny:
[reading a text] Uh it's from Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.

Amy:
I thought you liked Halloween.

Penny:
I do it's just that he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kinda creepy.

Bernadette:
Like my husband?

Amy:
And my boyfriend?

Howard:
Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.

Bernadette:
Well, today you're a Smurf! Keep walking!

Sheldon:
Play, play, play!

Leonard:
What are you doing?

Sheldon:
Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Ugh, he must be wearing a tin foil hat or something.

...

[later on]

...

Sheldon:
Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back!

Leonard:
[walks back into the room] What?

Sheldon:
Oh, of course! It only works on the weak-minded.

Leonard:
[handing Penny a folder] Before you look, do you about the story of the Shoemaker and the elves?

Penny:
Elves? Leonard, it's too early for Lord of the Rings.

Leonard:
No, see, there's this shoemaker, and when he goes to sleep, these elves come out and make these amazing shoes for him. And when he wakes up, he would so happy, not mad at the elves at all. Here you go.

Penny:
[reading the paper's headline] "The Effects of Slavery in the Old South, 1602-1865". What the hell is this?

Leonard:
Don't ask me, a little elf did it.

Dr. Stephen Hawking:
What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck! Neener, neener, neener!

Wil Wheaton:
Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?

Sheldon:
My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.

Howard:
I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M'S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.

Raj:
When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?

Howard:
Sometime around the third Almond Joy.

Alex:
Oh hi, Dr. Hofstader.

Leonard:
Oh, hey, Alex. And call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.

Alex:
May I join you, Leonard?

Leonard:
Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.

Alex:
Ooh, I love English accents.

Leonard:
Yeah, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.

Alex:
It's probably harmless. You know how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.

Leonard:
Right. Because girls are always like: "Oooh, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta get me some of that."

Alex:
You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.

Leonard:
Trust me. It doesn't.

Alex:
You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don't even know it.

Leonard:
Really?

Alex:
Yep, pretty sure.

Leonard:
[Laughs] I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.

Alex:
No problem.

Leonard:
Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.

Penny:
Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?

Leonard:
Come on, I'm sorry.

Penny:
I just can't believe you don't trust me.

Leonard:
I feel…Of course I do.

Penny:
Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.

Leonard:
Really?

Penny:
Your picture's on my refrigerator!

Leonard:
Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.

Penny:
What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?

Leonard:
I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE TALLER THAN ME? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.

Penny:
Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!

Leonard:
[pause] You know that's the first time you said that you love me.

Penny:
[stunned] Yeah.

Leonard:
We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?

Penny:
That's … exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.

Leonard:
You're right we should…

Penny:
Fine! [Runs down stairs]

Leonard:
[Enters apartment] She loves me.

Howard:
[talking about his new car] It's parked in 294.

Sheldon:
I'm sorry, 294 is my parking spot.

Raj:
You don't even drive.

Leonard:
Maybe they reassigned it because you don't use it.

Sheldon:
I don't use my nipples either, maybe they should reassign those.

Bernadette:
I'm really sorry that they took Sheldon's spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard's such a big deal now.

Amy:
I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.

Bernadette:
What's that supposed to mean?

Amy:
Well, Howard's never going to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.

Bernadette:
You're right. And I'm sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.

Amy:
If and when?

Penny:
All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?

Bernadette:
Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon's theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.

Amy:
That's an impressive accomplishment. He's now an inspiration to millions of Americans who now know you don't have to be special or even qualified to go into space.

Penny:
You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My..my sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. [Laughs] It's a bad idea.

Bernadette:
Gosh, Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon's work, your sex life is also theoretical?

Penny:
Damn.

Amy:
Well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won't be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that's a cleverly veiled reference to Howard's lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.

Penny:
Anyway, to this day, I still can't see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.

Bernadette:
I don't have to take this. I'm going to go home and have sex with my husband right now! Maybe I'll let him do it to me in a parking spot; which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way!

Amy:
Sheldon, this isn't helping. Why don't you just let me get some rest.

Sheldon:
How can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.

Amy:
[taken by surprise] You... you want to rub something on my chest?

Sheldon:
Yes. All over it.

Amy:
[stifling a cough] Maybe we should start with that.

Sheldon:
Now you're being a responsible patient. [he picks up the tub of VapoRub and sits on the couch opposite Amy] Now, you may notice some tingling...

Amy:
Oh, I'm counting on it!

Howard:
Sir, I'm flattered that you invited me, and I really want you to like me, but I don't think this trip is the way to do it. And I can't return these things if there's chunks of duck all over them.

Mr. Rostenkowski:
So, why'd you agree to come?

Howard:
'Cause Bernadette made me.

Mr. Rostenkowski:
I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.

Howard:
Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You're a big, scary cop.

Mr. Rostenkowski:
You're an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she's only four feet tall.

Howard:
So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.

Mr. Rostenkowski:
Ah. There's an Indian casino near Palm Springs. You know how to shoot craps?

Howard:
No, but I'm not a stranger to dice games. I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.

Mr. Rostenkowski:
Mazel tov. I'll teach you how to play.

Howard:
Really? Thank you, sir.

Mr. Rostenkowski:
Call me Mike.

Howard:
Okay. Oh, boy, we're just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike?

Mr. Rostenkowski:
That's my wife and daughter you're talking about.

Howard:
Great couple of gals.

Mr. Rostenkowski:
I wouldn't go that far.

Leonard:
Oh, before I forget, Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.

Penny:
Really? That's how you're gonna spend your Saturday night?

Leonard:
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.

Penny:
Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?

Leonard:
Little bit, yeah.

Sheldon:
But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.

Howard:
Wait, what are you doing?

Sheldon:
You can't talk, you're paralyzed. I get right up in Santa's big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?

Leonard:
Uh, okay.

Sheldon:
My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

Leonard:
This is weird, right?

Sheldon:
Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em. And now you're here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!

Leonard:
Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

Sheldon:
Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?

Alex:
I think it's pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here's something at four o'clock. Give Alex a talking to?

Sheldon:
Well, that snuck up on us, didn't it?

Alex:
Is there a problem?

Sheldon:
Let's not call it a problem. Let's call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.

Alex:
What did I do?

Sheldon:
You don't know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

Alex:
What? I didn't make a sexual advance on anybody.

Sheldon:
Now, there's no need to get defensive. I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.

Alex:
What?

Sheldon:
Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.

Alex:
This conversation is making me uncomfortable.

Sheldon:
Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don't hold you responsible for your behavior because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you're a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let's see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.

Alex:
I have to go.

Sheldon:
So does this fellow, but he can't without it burning like hot soup.

[Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.]

Leonard:
[singing, to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb] I'm sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I'm sorry Alex hit on me, I'd no idea I'm cute.

Penny:
Oh, damn it, you are.

Leonard:
Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.

Penny:
I don't care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?

Leonard:
Of course not. No. Why?

Penny:
Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.

Leonard:
You do that?

Penny:
[pause] No.

Leonard:
Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that's my thing, and if you take it away, I don't know what I'm bringing to this relationship.

Penny:
Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?

Leonard:
No, I'm not happy.

Penny:
Why are you smiling?

Leonard:
I'm sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.

Penny:
Well, I do.

Leonard:
Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.

Penny:
Good.

Leonard:
Come here. Tell you a secret?

Penny:
What's that?

Leonard:
With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.

Penny:
Can I tell you a secret?

Leonard:
Sure.

Penny:
Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we're all gonna stop.

Leonard:
Message received.

[Penny, Amy and Bernadette enter the Comic Book Store. Everyone inside stares at them in shock]

Bernadette:
[nervous] Why are they staring?

Amy:
Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!

Stuart:
Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.

Penny:
Hey Stuart.

Stuart:
W-what brings you guys here?

Bernadette:
We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.

Stuart:
Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.

Penny:
... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.

Stuart:
Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!

Bernadette:
What kind of comics do the guys like?

Stuart:
Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.

Amy:
All right, well, who's the best superhero?

Stuart:
[panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?

Leonard:
Fine, but set phasers to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I'll never find a girlfriend that pretty again.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. [looks at Sheldon, who just nods silently] You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?

Sheldon Cooper:
I'm fine.

Amy:
Alright, so how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?

Sheldon:
Yes.

Amy:
Sheldon, what's wrong?

Sheldon:
I read his research; it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist in the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy! [starts crying]

Amy:
Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?

Sheldon:
What do we have to lose?

[Amy hugs him tightly]

Amy:
How's that?

Sheldon:
I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. [Amy lets go] Why did you stop?! [Amy hugs him again]

Penny:
Sheldon, can I ask you a question?

Sheldon:
Of course.

Penny:
You ever gonna sleep with Amy?

[Leonard and Sheldon just stare at her]

Sheldon:
That's awfully personal.

Leonard:
[a little scared] We don't ask Sheldon things like that.

Penny:
Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?

Sheldon:
Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.

Penny:
All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

Leonard:
All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?

Sheldon:
Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.

Penny:
Then what's the problem?

Sheldon:
Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.

Leonard:
Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.

Penny:
Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually get physical?

Sheldon:
[long pause] It's a possibility.

Penny:
[silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.

Sheldon:
Oh, yeah.

Sheldon:
One vintage Mister Mxyzptlk action figure. That's Leonard's.

Amy:
Children's toy.

Sheldon:
One Star Trek: The Next Generation Phasor. That's Leonard's.

Amy:
Children's toy.

Sheldon:
One Game of Thrones collector's edition long claw sword. Ah, Leonard and I bought that together. That's a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I'll keep it.

Amy:
So, what's your plan moving forward?

Sheldon:
I suppose I'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

Amy:
No.

Sheldon:
It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.

Amy:
Like a dog boy.

Sheldon:
Exactly.

Amy:
What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?

Sheldon:
That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.

Amy:
Great! Here I am!

Sheldon:
Wait. Here who is where?

Amy:
Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?

Sheldon:
Um.

Amy:
Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger. We're intellectually compatible. I'm willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?

Sheldon:
Um.

Amy:
Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.

Sheldon:
Um.

Amy:
See, you can't. I'm going to see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.

Sheldon:
Um.

Sheldon:
You can't live here.

Amy:
What? Why? Is it the {answering machine} message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.

Sheldon:
It's not the message.

Amy:
What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.

Sheldon:
You did.

Amy:
THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON!?!? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you're ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can't live here.

Sheldon:
It's Penny's fault.

Amy:
What?

Sheldon:
She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy.

Leonard:
You know what. That was pretty crappy of you. All I wanted to do was give you a great night and it's like you went out of your way to destroy it.

Penny:
Yep. I know. I'm a total bitch.

Leonard:
I'm not saying that.

Penny:
Well, I am.

Leonard:
Well. Fine you win. You're a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?

Penny:
I don't know. Maybe because things are going so well between us lately and I've been really happy.

Leonard:
Okay. You're going to have to make a lot more sense than that.

Penny:
Obviously I have some commitment issues.

Leonard:
Glaringly obvious. Go on.

Penny:
As long as things keep going great between us, you'll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I'm going to end saying yes then we're going to be married forever and the whole thing just freaks me out.

Leonard:
Okay. I know I propose a lot so how about this. I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.

Penny:
What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?

Leonard:
No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.

Penny:
Really?

Leonard:
Yes. All on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.

Penny:
You got it.

Leonard:
And I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on the jumbo-tron. I don't to cry on a big screen like that.

Penny:
Okay. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.

Leonard:
You do?

Penny:
Leonard Hofstader.

Leonard:
Yes.

Penny:
Would you be my valentine?

Leonard:
Sorry, maybe next year. I'm just kidding. Romance ninja! Let's have sex! Wo-ah!

Raj:
Can I have your attention please? We're all here tonight because we have no one to be with, but this doesn't make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. Let us stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we're in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let's give ourselves a break. We are a community and as long as we have each other we're never truly alone.

[Lucy knocks at Raj's door.]

Raj:
Just a sec. Oh, I said 'just a sec'. I hate myself. [Opens door.] Hello.

Lucy:
Hi.

Raj:
Would you like to come in?

Lucy:
Um. No. I can't stay.

Raj:
Oh.

Lucy:
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for running out of the coffee shop. That wasn't cool. So, ah, yeah. I'm sorry.

Raj:
Wait. Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It's okay, I can take anything. Unless it's something I did or said or am, 'cause those are like my buttons.

Lucy:
No. It's not any of that. It's just I kind have a hard time around people I don't know.

Raj:
Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?

Lucy:
I've been trying to force myself into situations that I'm not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window and I made myself go in. I don't even like comic books.

Raj:
Yeah, me neither.

Lucy:
Then what were you doing in there?

Raj:
I lied. I love them. I only said that so you would go out with me.

Lucy:
You don't want to do that. I'm kind of broken.

Raj:
That's great! I'm broken too.

Lucy:
Oh no you're not.

Raj:
Oh I totally am. If it wasn't for this beer I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks either. Like diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.

Lucy:
Well. How do I know you're not just saying that?

Raj:
Go out with me on one date and I promise you you'll see.

Lucy:
OK. Text me. Bye.

Raj:
You won't regret it. I'm the most pathetic guy you ever met. [To himself.] And that, boys and girls, is how it's done.

[Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois]

Penny:
You love her very much. Don't you?

Tom:
Yes.

Penny:
You think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand about it.

Tom:
You lonely?

Leonard:
She's good, huh?

Sheldon:
She is, but when do we get to the part about the streetcars?

Penny:
When I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once much, much too completely. Like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. Then I was unlucky to lose it.

Sheldon:
She's remarkable.

Leonard:
She really is.

Amy:
Our Penny's a star.

Sheldon:
How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?

Leonard:
So now let's brings out theoretical physicist, Dr, Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon:
Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish born, French educated Madame Curie. Co-discover of radioactivity. She was a hero of science until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became full with blood and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work I see no reason why that can't also happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?

Raj:
Thanks again for letting me drag girls' night.

Penny:
Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less. [Everyone stares at her.] It's a joke! Based on real events.

Raj:
Anyway I was hoping I could pick your brains a little. I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.

Amy:
Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attractive to a man who is steady in the face of danger So I recommend an unsafe environment. A seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks. Picnic near a lunatic asylum. A wine tasting on skid row.

Raj:
Lucy has some social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.

Bernadette:
Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You can go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.

Penny:
Yeah, you just have to remember that that ride is shorter then you think. And they take a picture at the end so make sure you have all your clothes back on. [Everyone stares at her] It's a joke!! ...Based on real events.

Penny:
The letter was found in Bernadette's closet. Doesn't that count for something?

Sheldon:
Are you pointing out that California is a community property state and since Howard and Bernadette are married the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?

Penny:
Yeah, obviously.

Sheldon:
Well played. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit, Penny.

Howard:
What are you guys doing here?

Leonard:
When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

Howard:
Oh yeah, what's that?

Sheldon:
It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.

Penny:
We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.

Sheldon:
Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.

Penny:
Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.

Bernadette:
Sit down, honey.

Sheldon:
Raj, you're up.

Raj:
Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides' card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

Leonard:
Sheldon.

Sheldon:
It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.

Howard:
Nice try. That's the plot for Goonies.

Amy:
Told you.

Sheldon:
Don't.

Leonard:
Amy.

Amy:
You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.

Howard:
Really?

Sheldon:
Or that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.

Leonard:
Penny.

Penny:
It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.

Sheldon:
I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.

Amy:
No it's not.

Sheldon:
Don't.

Leonard:
OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.

Howard:
Hm.

Leonard:
Bernadette.

Bernadette:
Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?

Howard:
Yeah. I'm terrific.

Sheldon:
So? Which one do you think it is, matey?

Howard:
Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.

Leonard:
Well, one of them is.

Howard:
That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.

Sheldon:
My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. Remind me to put a gun under my pillow. Or a chain saw.

Amy:
Or you take advantage of your new found economic stability and move out, get a house, get married, start a family.

Sheldon:
Or the chain saw.

Penny:
So who do you have to smooze to get this deal?

Leonard:
I'm not going to smooze anyone. I'm going to let my work speak for itself.

Penny:
That's great. That takes a lot of integrity.

Leonard:
I'm a naive idiot, right?

Penny:
Oh good, you heard me.

Penny:
So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.

Leonard:
The Harmony one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.

Penny:
You see that's the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I'm passionate about you.

Leonard:
Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again

Penny:
Well I'm serious. Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.

Leonard:
Well, those things can still happen.

Penny:
Oh, obviously it's going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.

Leonard:
Big deal.

Penny:
It is, isn't it?

Leonard:
So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.

Penny:
Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.

Sheldon:
They can't just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.

Sheldon:
You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.

Arthur Jeffries:
You know, I get that.

Sheldon:
But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o'clock you'd come to my house on channel 68 and we'd do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up a hobo … or a surgeon.

Leonard:
I bet there are important discoveries made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.

Sheldon:
It's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.

Arthur:
Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That means a lot.

Leonard:
It's important you know how much mean to us.

Sheldon:
Professor Proton, it is an honor to meet you.

Arthur:
Just call me Arthur.

Sheldon:
Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said that I should call me Arthur. That means we're friends.

Arthur:
No. A friend would have told me about the elevator.

Sheldon:
 : Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my Mom saying its going to ruin my eyes.

Arthur:
Is he dangerous?

Leonard:
Actually he's a genius.

Sheldon:
I am.

Arthur:
That doesn't answer my question.

Amy:
Ah well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.

Bernadette:
Long story short, she's now on the no-fly list and we might have been followed here by a drone.

Amy:
I'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot.

Penny:
Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you feel shame and you got groped by a stranger. That's Vegas. You nailed it.

Sheldon:
Leonard?

Leonard:
Yeah?

Sheldon:
I'm not sure how I feel about Howard being Dungeon Master instead of you.

Leonard:
Oh, that's nice, but relax; sometimes change is good. You were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.

Sheldon:
Oh, please! Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I'm upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I'm upset that Daylight Saving Time started, Zachary Quinto. I'm upset Daylight Saving Time ended, Zachary Quinto. I'm saying this for the last time: Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event, so stop using him against me!

Sheldon:
[Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy?

Amy:
What?

Sheldon:
Never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.

Amy:
You don't have to come in here and cheer me up.

Sheldon:
Thank-you. Would you go and tell everyone else that because they think otherwise.

Amy:
I'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.

Sheldon:
Well, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" That's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

Amy:
Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?

Sheldon:
Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.

Amy:
And now?

Sheldon:
And now what?

Amy:
Do you have any interest now?

Sheldon:
I've not ruled it out.

Amy:
Wow, talk dirty to me.

Sheldon:
I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but for me what we have is extremely intimate.

Amy:
I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.

Sheldon:
More? Just look at us. It's only been three years. Here we are in bed together. [Sitting on it.]

Amy:
[Amy laughs slightly.] Come on. Let's go back out there.

Sheldon:
No, hold on. My Elven magic user and your half-Ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.

Amy:
OK.

Sheldon:
I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor. [Rolls dice] It comes off.

Amy:
Oh?

Sheldon:
What do you do?

Amy:
I…kiss you on the lips?

Sheldon:
I kiss you back on the… [Rolls dice] …lips as well. Your turn.

Amy:
I remove your armor. What do you do?

Sheldon:
I erotically caress your… [Rolls dice] …nose.

Amy:
Keep rolling!

Leonard:
Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that and I've been invited to join them.

Penny:
Wow Hawking, good for you!

Leonard:
Well it is. Just...you know I'd be gone for a while.

Penny:
For how long.

Leonard:
Three - four months.

Penny:
Whoa. When would you leave?

Leonard:
A couple weeks.

Penny:
Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.

Leonard:
That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.

Penny:
On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?

Leonard:
He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.

Penny:
Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.

Leonard:
Yeah, I'm a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I'd hate to do anything to screw that up.

Penny:
Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Penny:
Are you OK?

Raj:
No.

Penny:
I'm so sorry.

Raj:
No, it's my fault. I finally find somebody who is right for me and I drove her away.

Penny:
Oh. Raj.

Raj:
Penny, I miss her already.

Penny:
I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too

Raj:
What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever have love?

Penny:
You will.

Raj:
No. I'm unlovable.

Penny:
That's just the booze talking.

Raj:
No, no. I haven't had a drink since last night.

[Both realized what he said and look shocked]

Penny:
You're talking to me.

Raj:
I am.

Penny:
Ahh!

Raj:
Now I'm crying for a whole different reason.

Penny:
Me too!

Stuart:
[Enters] Oh! hey, man, welcome back!

Howard:
Oh, Stuart, thanks! What are you doing here?

Stuart:
Well... I kind of live here now.

Raj:
Just until he gets back on his feet... which are looking good in those boots I bought him for my birthday!

[They fist-bump]

Stuart:
Ah, he's spoiling me and I love it.

Howard:
Wow, so you guys are like buds now?

Stuart:
Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time. Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend...

Raj:
It's like we have these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes.

Sheldon:
Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish? [He takes a dead fish out of the bag]

Penny:
Damn, I forgot to feed him... And that I had him!

Sheldon:
Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy [He searches inside the bag].

Penny:
[with a loud yell of embarrassment] Party’s over! Party’s over!