The Boondocks, Season 2

[Granddad looks at the menu and sees the extremely high prices for snacks.]

Granddad:
Damn!

[He looks at the Receptionist.]

Granddad:
Large, freshly-popped popcorn, please, and lots of butter.

[The receptionist gives him his popcorn.]

Receptionist:
(uninterestedly) Anything else?

Granddad:
I asked for butter on it.

Receptionist:
Butter's over there.

[Cut to a very poorly maintained condiment station.]

Granddad:
I don't wanna put the butter on it. Why can't you do it?

Receptionist:
You're supposed to put the butter on it.

Granddad:
I don't wanna put the butter on it! I already paid twenty dollars for this bullshit popcorn. I will not demean myself by putting butter on popcorn!

Receptionist:
(still monotone) Why? It's really easy.

Granddad:
Why? Because I don't work at the movie theater! That's why!

Receptionist:
You're supposed to put the butter on it.

Granddad:
...If I go to Burger King, and order a cheeseburger, THEY DON'T MAKE ME PUT THE CHEESE ON IT, DO THEY GODDAMMIT!?

(leaving Huey and Jazmine at the movie theater after watching Soul Plane 2)

Riley:
Heh, heh. That was great, Granddad. Boy I wish we could've seen the end of that movie.

Granddad:
I don't know. I feel bad for leaving Huey and what's-her-name.

Riley:
They knew the risks, so they might do a little time. We'll see them when they get out.

Granddad:
Ahhh, it doesn't seem right. I'm going back and turning myself in.

Riley:
Turn yourself?--man--Granddad, look, come on. I mean, I love Huey. almost like a brother, but what's done is done. We've got to let go of the past! If he don't come back, can I have his side of the room?

(Granddad walks away)

Riley:
Ah, come on, Granddad! You supposed to be setting a better example!

Granddad:
What happened to the movie theater? Y'all should be ashamed! How come when I order a soda-pop, I get an empty cup? I didn't ask for an empty cup! I asked for a soda-pop! And what asshole started puttin' commercials in movies? I could go home and watch commercials on the TV! And the bathroom stinks; clean the fuckin' bathroom! I'm not gonna take it anymore! I paid too much money for these movie tickets to butter my own motherfuckin' popcorn! It's only popcorn!

[Granddad screams loud enough so that the whole movie theatre can hear him.]

Ruckus:
When'd you get here?

Granddad:
...Huh?

Ruckus:
Well, I've been standin' at the ticket window all day, and I don't remember you buyin' a ticket, Robert Freeman.

Granddad:
Well, I...uh, bought my tickets online...

Ruckus:
AHA! A damn lie! I ain't never met a nigga smart enough to operate a personal computer! Not even a Macintosh!

Riley:
(smiling wickedly while playing video games) I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.

Tom:
Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.

Riley:
(laughing) There just seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night! She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher!

Granddad:
Boy, hush your mouth!

Uncle Ruckus:
(To the side) Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.

Riley:
But granddad, she did made Mr. Dubois look like a bitch.

Granddad:
Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.

Uncle Ruckus:
Next thing you know you're rubbing against that silky white skin...

Riley:
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got "bitched"!

Huey:
Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...

Tom:
All right! I get the point.

Riley:
I mean, I can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to T.I. I'd be like "Yo, that's T.I." But Usher?! (laughs) You better check that ho Mr. Dubois!

Granddad:
Hey Tom? Tom? Get down here.

Tom:
(walks into living room) Uh, what's going on guys?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Uh, Mr. Dubois, My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and this sir, is an intervention.

Tom:
An intervention?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from chronic Bitch Dependency Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom?

Tom:
(looks around room) Is this some kind of joke?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Tom, Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even you money. It's a disease Tom.

Tom:
Wait, what did you say your name was, again?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Well thank you for asking, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.

Tom:
Wait, A Pimp--?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
(interrupting) --Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing, if you would. Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time.

Tom:
Look Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback--

A Pimp Named Slickback:
(interrupting again) --No need for the "Mister".

Tom:
I-I don't think I need any help from (scoffs) someone like you.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
And by (scoffs) 'someone like me', you mean a pimp, a bad guy?

Tom:
Now look, I'm not trying to insult you, I just don't approve of what you people do to women.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
(jeering) Ooooh! So I'm wrong! So I'm messed up! We'll which one of us is the one missing a bitch, Tom? You don't see me running around lookin' for a bitch! I know where all of my bitches are, thank you very much! (dials number) Bitch where you at?! (ho speaks) I'm out here, gettin' yo money! (Slickback retorts) That's what the hell I thought, thank you grandma! (to Tom) Now look at you! Bitchless! Sans bitch, as the French in France would say!

Tom:
(visibly annoyed) I've had enough! I'm going back upstairs!

Granddad:
Tom! Tom, when we first let you stay here, we thought it was only gonna be temporary. But damn! Tom, I just don't see any end in sight!

Tom:
It's only been two days--.

Granddad:
(interrupting) --Nigga, hush! You're living under my roof now. If you stay here, you're going to get some help.

Tom:
You know what? I know a great therapist. I'll make an appointment today!

Granddad:
(slowly)That, also would have been a good idea but, we've already paid Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback a retainer of 2,500 dollars.

Tom:
Robert, you shouldn't have.

Granddad:
With your credit card!

Tom:
Oh.

Ed Wuncler III:
Yo.

Gin Rummy:
What up?

Ed Wuncler III:
Yo, can you hear me?

Gin Rummy:
Yeah, I see you too. Whatcha want, Nigga?

Ed Wuncler III:
Aw man, same shit. What's up with you?

Gin Rummy:
Da fuck you mean "what's up with me"? I'm sitting right here next to you.

Ed Wuncler III:
Voice sound real sexy right now...

Gin Rummy:
Say what?!

Ed Wuncler III:
You wanna talk to me later on?

Gin Rummy:
No, I don't wanna talk later on motherfucker! WHAT DA FUCK IS WRONG WIT YOU?! WHAT DA FUCK'S SO SEXY ABOUT MY VOICE?!

Ed Wuncler III:
(Reveals the bluetooth on his left ear) Ah man, my bad, I was on the phone.

Gin Rummy:
Great, you got one of those ridiculous fucking headset.

Grandad:
Riley, who did this?

Riley:
(No response)

Grandad:
Dammit! Hurry up, boy! Tell us who did it! Now you gonna tell me who stole my car or i'm gonna get my belt or a 2 by 4 and go upside your head!

Ed Wuncler III:
Okay, now last week I was in the strip club, right? I had titties in one hand, titties in the other hand, I had two hands full of titties. That's bigger than two scoops of raisins; I'm still talking to my accountant at the same time. What's not to like about that?!!

Gin Rummy:
Okay, first of all, I don't know when you talkin' to me, or when you talkin' on the god damn phone. Second, when people wear those thing, they appear to be talkin' to theirselves, there's a name for people who talk to theirselves, Ed... they're called the homeless!

Ed Wuncler III:
Man, bitches love this bluetooth shit, it changed my life! I don't know what to do with my hands now!

Gin Rummy:
Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head, Ed; it lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to ya until you finish, which you indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!

Ed Wuncler III:
(into his Bluetooth while Gin Rummy is bending over to look under the bed) "You know I like the way your booty looks when you bend over; I like that a lot. Very sexy. Mm-hmm, I can make it over there later... yeah I'm real ready."

Gin Rummy:
"I hate that fucking headset!"

Gangstalicious:
(dancing with a bottle of Hennesey and a tennis racket) "Uh! Uh! Drop da beat! Drop da beat! Uh! Gangstalicious! / My mind's too vicious! / Eat MCs all day, mmm, delicious! / My whole crew up in dis / No doubt we gonna win dis / Smack up yo moms like I smacked Johnny Ginnis / 3 o clock yesterday / I don't care what dey say / Sucker really shouldn't play / I hit dem wit da Henne-saaaay!"

Grandad:
(to Riley) I'm gonna take me a nap, gonna drink me a Red Bull, then I'm wake up and beat you until you decide to talk!

Ed Wuncler III:
You see, I'm what they call tecno-savvy. I fucks wit da future

Gin Rummy:
Yeah, the problem is we don't live in the future, Ed, we live in the present, and in the present that shit looks ridiculous. It's not a cybernetic ear, it's a fucking cell phone headset. The only thing you gonna do wit da thing is call a bitch and unless the bitch is a Martian, there ain't no explanation for that shit to look that damn high-tech. Have you seen that shit in the mirror? You look like you're going to a fucking comic book convention!

Ed Wuncler III:
(to the assembled crowd) What the fuck y'all lookin' at? (into his Bluetooth) No baby, I wasn't talking to you...

Gin Rummy:
(to Riley as he and Ed rode of on his bike) Thank you for not snitching!

Ed Wuncler III:
You stupid mother fucka!

Ruckus:
It was them Freeman boys! I'm tellin' you you can't trust those new niggas!

Ruckus:
(modestly) Yeah I said it...

Riley:
But what will my niggas think of me if i snitched?

Huey:
What niggas?

Riley:
I got niggas!!!

Huey:
Where?

Riley:
In da street!!!

Huey:
What street?

Interrogator:
Now you listen here you little bitch. I'm gonna ask you some real simple questions and I want some real simple answers. Now you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 9.15?

Granddad:
Yes, I believe, if I'm not mistaken. It was 9.15!

Interrogator:
So you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 9.15?

Granddad:
Ye-N..Nine. Yes, I looked at my watch and yes. Unhuh unhuh, 9.15.

Interrogator:
So you're telling me definitely that you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 8.15?

Granddad:
Yyyyees. That's- I believe it was 8.15. Definitely.

Interrogator:
Hmmmm Let me see. You know you just fucked up, right?

Granddad:
No! I said... No! I said, I pulled into the garage at duh-

Interrogator:
(laughing) You know you just fucked up, right!

Granddad:
No! I said... Wait a minute!

Ghostface Killah:
(Narrating) Now if y'all was payin' attention to last season, y'all know what a nigga moment is. A nigga moment is when the mind of a perfectly logical black man is overwhelmed by some stupid nigga shit, like when a nigga steps up on your sneaker and fucks up your kicks, or hits your car or some shit, and the nigga get mad like it's your fault like you fucked up. So his ignorance makes you act crazy, and the next thing you know, niggas is beefin', shootin', fightin', and somebody ends up dead. But yo... not even death can stop a nigga moment.

The Devil:
(Narrating) He was the baddest motherfucker that Hell had ever seen...

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
Colonel Motherfuckin' Stinkmeaner, holla at ya boy, I gets money!

The Devil:
He trained like a beast...

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
Ya'll gonna have to kick me out of this bitch! I'm having the TIME OF MY LIFE!

The Devil:
He was so bad, he even called me, the Devil himself, a...

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
BITCH ASS NIGGA!

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
This is how you break your foot off in a motherfucker's ass! (He kicks through two flaming hoops and smashes two vases) Hi-yaaah!

(Several demons encircle Stinkmeaner)

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
Oooh! You baldheaded nigga monsters tryna swarm on a nigga, huh?!

(Stinkmeaner begins to beat the crap out of the demons.)

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
You just got a two-piece combo with a biscuit, ho! I got three-stick nunchucks!! AAAAAAH!! Got ya, nigga! I see ya, I see ya!

The Devil:
Stinkmeaner, your heart of darkness has earned you a trip back. You have my blessings to exact vengance on the Freeman family and to spread ignorance and chaos in the black community. They will be no match for you.

(The Devil places his hand on Stinkmeaner's forehead and blasts him back up to Earth.)

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
Hell ain't shit! I'm gonna get you, Freeman!

Grandad:
*After Huey helped him to get on Myspace* So she's on my friendslist?

Riley:
Yep, she's your very first cyber friend, and your her 3,000,000th

Grandad:
Yaaaa boy, I love technology!

Huey:
(narrating) My granddad had recently discovered online dating

Riley:
You should post more pics, ho's love pictures Grandad

Grandad: I'm starting to feel like Shamar Moore up in here, Hoo! Boy lets get some music on, turn on the Mypod lets get on the ISpace (We then see clips of Grandpa taking pictures of himself in various poses)

Riley:
What outfit you want next Grandad?

Grandad:
The leather vest, the one with the rhinestones (Huey walks in)

Huey:
Grandad, I.... (stopped because of the shock of seeing his grandad taking a picture of his butt) I can come back

Grandad:
Boy, get over here and take this picture, now whats wrong with you? why the long face?

Huey:
I had a bad dream about....

Grandad:
Talk and shoot at the same time boy. (Riley walks in carrying two Michael Jackson jackets)

Riley:
Grandad! you want "Beat It" or "Thriller"?

Grandad:
Hmmmm, that's a tough one, take them back, go get my purple speedo

Riley:
Purple speedo? that's gay

Grandad:
Allright boy, so you had a bad dream

Huey:
It was a really bad dream about...

Riley:
(In the closet) I don't see the purple one

Granddad:
Did you check the speedo drawer? Go ahead boy, bad dream and....?

Huey:
It was about Stinkmeaner (Riley returns with a leopard-print speedo)

Riley:
Leopard-print's all I could find

Granddad:
Aww man (changes underwear in front of Huey and Riley, who runs out of the room throwing up) damn these things are tight, what about Stinkmeaner?

Huey:
He was in hell, and he was coming back to get us

Granddad:
Stinkmeaner? don't be crazy

Riley:
Stinkmeaner? you mean that old man Granddad killed for no reason?

Granddad:
No reason? that man was a psycho, he almost killed your grandaddy

Riley:
He was blind, you killed a blind old man

Granddad:
Col. Stinkmeaner was a menace, and i sent him to hell where he belongs

Riley:
(Chuckles) Yeah, Grandad real tough with the handicap, he probably gonna beat up some retarded kids next.

Granddad:
Yeah, this retarded man is gone whoop your little ass that's what he's gonna do... wait...you know what I meant..what were we talkin about? Ohh yeah your dream, look boy, Stinkmeaner aint comin back, he cant hurt you, me, or any of us ok...now lets get one more picture.

Huey:
(Narrating) Some people are scared of zombies and vampires. But the thing that scare black people the most, are niggas and nigga moments. Tom DuBois was as far from a nigga as a black man could be. But Stinkmeaner knew that every black man's spirit is weakened during a nigga moment.

(Tom waits patiently for a car to pull out of a parking spot. Before he can pull in, a Benz whips into the spot ahead of him.)

Tom Dubois:
What the...? Oh, come on, you... you... ni...nincompoop! You can't do that! Hey!! Come on!

Huey:
(Narrating) Nigga moments can happen to ANY black man at ANY time.

(The young black man gets out of the car, pointedly ignoring Tom. Tom gets out and follows him)

Tom Dubois:
Hey!! That was my space! I had my blinker on and everything!

Young Black Man:
Fuck you, punk-ass, pussy-ass hook-ass, nigga! (Tom flinches) I'll beat your motherfuckin' sadiddy ass, nigga! Don't never in yo' LIFE ever try to holla at me nigga! (starts to walk away) Fuck with me, nigga, and I'll pop da trunk on yo' bitch ass, nigga, get my motherfuckin' Uzi, nigga.

(Tom seethes, and starts to convulse as Stinkmeaner's spirit possesses him. Tom's face contorts evilly)

Possessed Tom:
WHAT DID YOU SAY, NIGGA!?

(Young black man stops in his tracks, turns around and walks back towards Tom)

Young Black Man:
(annoyed) You know what, motherfucker? Eat a dick, nigga. I'm tired of this motherf--

(Possessed Tom jumps in the air and kicks the young black man squarely in the chest with both feet. The force sends the young black man flying through the air and lands hard on the concrete)

Possessed Tom:
(in a maniacal froth, the young black man cowers in fear) OH YEAH! Look at you! You was poppin' all that GOOD SHIT a second ago, then you got KICKED IN YO' CHEST! YOU EAT A DICK NIGGA, YOU EAT A DICK!

(Tom's face reverses to his regular self, along with his persona)

Tom Dubois:
Oh, my god! Sir, are you ok? Who did this to you? What did he look like? DID ANYONE SEE WHO ACCOSTED THIS MAN?

Grandad:
(While looking at his myspace page) I got a date? I can't believe it!

Riley:
Of course you got a date, Grandad! Everything on your page is a lie!

Grandad:
NO IT IS NOT!

Riley:
Grandad you don't skydive, you not Brazilian, and you never was a member of G-Unit-

Grandad:
Mind your damn business!

Riley:
-And she probably a man!

Grandad:
SHUT UP!

Ms. Wong’s Lawyer:
So, Ms. Wong, there you were NOT carjacking Mr. Teskinelli, beating him senseless with a nine-iron, stealing his wallet--

Ms. Wong:
Grab your wallet, bitch!

Ms. Wong's Lawyer:
-- And driving his car into the hosiery section of the JCPenney?

Ms. Wong:
Correct. (Ms. Wong gives a wink to her lawyer.)

Ms. Wong's Lawyer:
I have no further questions.

Tom:
Now Ms. Wong, let me ask you a question. (Begins convulsing as Stinkmeaner's ghost begins to take possession.)

Possessed Tom:
What's good NYUKAAA?!

(Audience gasp in shock)

Tom:
Gaaaah! (Covering his mouth with his hand) Oh my god.

Judge:
(glaring) Excuse me Mr. Dubois?

Tom:
(chuckles nervously) I said um-- (Stinkmeaner gains posession once again)

Possessed Tom:
What's really good?!

(Audience laughs at Tom's retort)

Judge:
(glaring) Is there something 'really good' you'd like to share with the court Mr. Dubois?

Possessed Tom:
FUCK YOUR COURT, NIGGAH!

(Courtroom gasps)

Judge:
Mr. Dubois!

Possessed Tom:
(jumping up and down on table) FUCK...YOUR...COURT...NYUKKAH!!!

(lays on back, kicking the table) FUCK...YOUR...COURT!

(Tom covers his mouth and runs out of the courtroom)

Possessed Tom:
Lady Liberty's got balls!

(Tom runs in a panic to the nearest bathroom. he gasps in panic, looks at himself in the mirror, only to see Stinkmeaner's face.)

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
What's good, NIGGAAA?!

(Tom screams in horror and runs out of the bathroom.)

Huey:
Meanwhile , I couldn't shake the feeling that an evil force was gathering. (Huey then sees brief flashes of Stinkmeaner training in hell, and being sent back to Earth.) I must be crazy.

Ghostface Killah:
(Ghostface Killah's apparent Force Ghost appears to Huey) Nah, you ain't crazy. Stinkmeaner's comin' back.

Huey:
But Stinkmeaner died.

Ghostface Killah:
What you gonna tell me, ghosts don't exist? Then what the fuck do I look like to you?

Huey:
Ghostface Killah isn't even dead.

Ghostface Killah:
Now, you say what you want, that old crazy goofy-lookin' mothafucka's comin' back. Your granddad's nigga moment ain't dead yet.

Huey:
Then what am I supposed to do? If death can't stop Stinkmeaner, what can?

Ghostface Killah:
Think about it. Peace. (Ghostface Killah's Force Ghost then leaves Huey.)

Grandad:
(humming)

Huey:
Look, granddad I'm really worried about Tom.

Grandad:
Watch it boy, don't step on my roses!

Huey:
Then why are you putting them on the floor...? But, anyway, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I really think Stinkmeaner is...

Grandad:
Oh hush boy, I ain't got time for that, now it's DATE NIGHT and you know the rules, now you get in that room I don't care if u hear a scream and hear the house shake like an earthquake, YOU DON'T LEAVE...! Now get!

Tom:
Honey, I'm home.

Sara:
Hey honey!

(Tom's face turns menacing, as he's possessed by Stinkmeaner)

Possessed Tom:
OH YEAH!.. I think I wanna have sexual relations!

Sara:
Tom, what's gotten into you?

Possessed Tom:
Same thing that's about to get into you!

(Later, upstairs showing their bedroom window outside)

Sara:
Oh, Tom!

Possessed Tom:
Oh Yeah!!! Imma make it do what it do!

Granddad:
(typing) Well, I'm in the studio with Snoop Doggy Dogg and Tha Pound tonight but how 'bout tomorrow cutie pie?

(Possessed Tom chopping a hole in the bathroom door)

Granddad:
Aaah! What the?! Who's out there?! Boys! Boys! Help me!

Possessed Tom:
I'M BAAAAAAACK, NYUGGAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHA!

Granddad:
OH, WHAT THE HELL?! OH LORDY LORD, LORDY LORD! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Granddad:
What the fuck is wrong with you!? Tom! Oh lordy lord! What the hell! Tom! What’s going on? Tom! Go away! I'm gonna call the police!

Possessed Tom:
I'm gone get that old ass!

(In Huey and Riley's bedroom)

Huey:
Did you hear that?

Riley:
Man I can't hear nothin over granddad's gay ass music, look out, new message aww man its a old dude with his shirt off wait! That's granddad ewww, he in the bathroom, probably just ran out of toilet paper again and I ain't gettin it for him neither, nope.

Huey:
Why would he send a message from...

Riley:
Hey

Granddad:
WHAT THE HELL! Tom! hats goin on! oh my goodness! Tom! Whats goin here!? Oh help me son! Help me!

Huey:
C'mon!

(Granddad narrowly escaping from Possessed Tom while stumbling in his speedo)

Granddad:
Oh my goodness! Some black people are crazy!

Possessed Tom:
Oh yeah, Here comes the Pain (Throw a axe at Granddad but fall down the stairs before being sliced)

Granddad:
Goodness gracious! The life! (Pull up his speedo) Tom, what's wrong with you? You on that stuff? Snap out of it, Tom. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!

Possessed Tom:
You don't remember ME? You don't remember my name?! (He then proceeds to punch Granddad in the face.)

Possessed Tom:
What's my name, nyugga? (Tom does a low spin kick to Granddad's face.)

Granddad:
AAAAH!

Possessed Tom:
"AAAAH" ain't my name. My mama didn't name me "AAAAH". What's my name, nyugga?! WHAT'S MY NAME?!

Huey:
Stinkmeaner!

Possessed Tom:
DING-DING-DING-DING! THAT'S RIGHT, NYUGGA!

Riley:
Mr. Dubois...?

Huey:
I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but you're going back to Hell!

Possessed Tom:
Oh yeah! I'm goin’ back, and I'm takin' ya’ll with me in the first-class cabin on the Ass-Whuppin' Express! All aboard! WHOO WHOO!

Possessed Tom:
You ain't too little to get that ass whooped! Bring it on, Huey.

(fighting)

Possessed Tom:
All right here we go. (Chop Huey in the neck) Is that all you got? HAHAHAHA! (The Freemans is unconscious) GET DEM UP, GET YOUR BALLS UP, NIGGA!

Possessed Tom:
Robert Freeman! You a bitch nigga! Where are you Robert? Come here and fight like a man, you fat-ass nigga!

Granddad's Date:
Who's that?

Granddad:
Uh, nothing!

Possessed Tom:
(muffled) I know you can hear me, Robert! I know you hear me! I will not be ignored! I'm right up here!

Riley:
Ain't this a bitch? Got a possessed nigga up here, and Granddad's worried about his date!

Possessed Tom:
(breaks free from the handcuff on his right arm) Ah-hah! Get off me! You've got a date Robert? Did you tell her you have two sets of genitals! A vagina and a coochie! Oh, that's a conjunction! A vagina and a coochie!

Granddad's Date:
What is going on?

Granddad:
Oh, th-that? that's just the television. Eh, boys, turn the television down!

Possessed Tom:
This ain't no TV show, nigga! This is real talk, nigga!

Granddad's Date:
Uhh! My friends warned me that there were weirdoes on MySpace!

Granddad:
Wait! No! That's just the TV!

Granddad's Date:
It's not the fact that you obviously have a man possessed by an evil spirit, strapped to a bed upstairs!

Granddad:
It's not?

Granddad's Date:
No. It's the fact that you lied about it!

Uncle Ruckus:
May white god bless you Robert, I came as fast I could.

Huey:
So this is the plan, Uncle Ruckus.

Uncle Ruckus:
Let's get this party started.

Possessed Tom:
Oh Yeah! You got bad credit, Robert!

Uncle Ruckus:
Removing a evil nigga spirits from a negro is harder then removing stank from a huck of shit. We must use these tools that the Great God gave us to fight niggas; a whip, a noose, a nightstick, a branding iron! These things strike fear into a nigga's heart. A job application! Avoid conversation with the nigga. The nigga will lie. The nigga will excuse. He will use words that he don't know, if he get desperate he may started to rap or dance.

Possessed Tom:
You all... testicle, and no shaft. What happen to your shaft, Robert!

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh yeah. There powerful evil niggatry at work here.

Possessed Tom:
HAHAHAHA!!!

(Ruckus open and enter Huey and Riley room along with the Freemans)

Possessed Tom:
Who in the hell are you?

Uncle Ruckus:
Nigga, My name is Reverend Father Uncle Ruckus [No relation]. And the name White Jesus and all the great white man who have come here after. I command the black nigga soul back from the death of hell.

Possessed Tom:
(laughing) Is that all you got, nigga?

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, no, nigga. That's just the tip of this iceberg. (opens the Bible and shoves it in Possessed Tom's face) Read, nigga, read!!!

Possessed Tom:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (bed begins to levitate)

Riley, Grandad and Ruckus:
Nigga! Get yo black ass out of there!

Possessed Tom:
[while Riley, Grandad, and Ruckus are performing exorcism] Oh, this gonna be fun, this gonna be comical! Haha, you gonna tickle me with a belt? Come on, give it to me! You just tickling me! Hahaha! Imma' join in too! Imma' join in too! "Nigga! Get yo black ass out of there!". Aw, you niggas ain't shit! Your mothers ain't shit!

Tom:
(reviving) Uh-uh- w-what am I doing on Riley's bed?

Riley:
You know, that's a real good question! What are you doing in my bed?! All the beds in this house and I got the possessed nigga in my bed! Ain't this a bitch! Some ol' bullshit!

Thugnificent:
[gesturing to his hometown], "Now, this right here, is where I grew up. I seen everything, man, everything. I seen a nigga get killed right over there, you know? They beat him up, stomped him, shot the dude, stomped the nigga again, and then I seen 'em take a dump on the dude. I swear to god, man, they actually, like, shot a deuce on this nigga, man! They shat on a nigga, man! And I started thinking to myself; 'Man...what'd he do to make them niggas that mad?'.

(Looking at Thugnificent's extravagant mansion)

Uncle Ruckus:
Looks like someone threw a million dollars into the monkey cage at the zoo...

Huey:
You could invite them over for dinner and get to know them...

Granddad:
Yeah, I... guess I could do that...

(Dream sequence)

(The Freemans are sitting, dressed up, at a candle-lit sunday dinner. Suddenly, the door bursts open and Lethal Interjection barges in.)

Macktastic:
Wazhappenin' nigga? Alright nigga, where da chicken wings and donuts at?!

Thugnificent:
(kicks over a chair, yelling) What the fuck you got to EAT in this bitch, NIGGA?!!!?!?

(Dream sequence ends)

Granddad:
Uh-ummm! THAT shit ain't happenin'.

Thugnificent:
(to Riley) Hey man, is this your brother?

Huey:
Hello. Goodbye.

Thugnificent:
Yo nigga, your brother told us how you be all into reading and shit. Hey that’s some real good shit my nigga, for real. Congratulations nigga.

Huey:
Did you just congratulate me for reading?

Flonominal:
Word, oh yeah, man, you know? Good shit, homie, word, yaknamean? Ya know that reading shit, yaknamean, it's hard, son! Word, yaknamean? Word, yaknamean, especially when them books be, yaknmean? You know, real thick and heavy like, yaknamean? Word, yaknamean?

Granddad:
You don't know where I came from! I'm from a small town called Whup-A-Rebel's-Little-Narrow-Country-Ass, and you-HEY! Put that camera back over here! I ain't finished my damn line! Ya'll makin' me homesick! There, now stick that up yo' ass!

(The next three lines are said at the same time.)

Thugnificent:
Eat a dick, old man! You faggot-ass, punk-ass, pussy-ass nigga!

Macktastic:
Eat it, foo'! Eat a dick, old muthafucka! Matter of fact, eat a sack of baby dicks, muthafucka!

Flonominal:
Fuck you, bitch-ass old man! No one likes you anyway, muthafucka!

(chorus)

Nate Dogg:
You just mad 'cos yo' ass is old (Old motherfucker!)/ First thing you do is just pick up the phone (Snitch! Eat a dick, nigga!)/ Lethal Interjection livin' next to your home / Motherfucking Grandpa / Old nigga it's on! (Old motherfucker!)

(verse 1)

Thugnificent:
Lethal Interjection versus one old nigga / He picked up the phone / Now my finger's on the trigga / Snitchin' ain't the thing to do / So now me and my crew / Gonna show the block how to handle this fool! / He just hatin' 'cos we went from rags to riches / to baddest bitches / somebody need to ask these snitches / Why they talkin' to police? / No justice, no peace / My house is paid for / No rent, no lease!

(verse 2)

Macktastic:
Dis ol' man / He played foo' / Now his ass is grass for dropping dimes on my crew / The only reason that I pack a strap / Is that I knew this old nigga was foul like Hack-a-Shaq!

(verse 3)

Flonominal:
This is the type of heat / That when they start playin' it / Old folks should get their ass whupped / For acting all gay and sh--

Thugnificent:
Old-ass NIGGA!

Flonominal:
You done crossed the line / See, it don't cost a dime / so now I toss my nine!

(Granddad and Thugnificent, apparently reconciling, shake hands and hug. The press applauds)

Granddad:
(quietly, sourly) You still gonna pay for my lawn.

Thugnificent:
(quietly, venomously) Eat a dick, old nigga.

(Granddad is awoken by the loud music at Thugnificent's house party)

Granddad:
Hey!!! Shut up with all that damn noise!!!! I'm an old man, y'all need to listen to some Nat King Cole and some Johnny Mathis!!

Grandad:
(During a blind date who's catfished him with a phoney picture of her appearance and is eating messily) You know what? I've had it. This sucks!

Blind Date:
What's wrong with you?

Grandad:
You know what's wrong with me! When was this picture taken? 1964?

Blind Date:
You saying I don't look like my picture?

Grandad:
I'm saying you probably never looked like this damn picture! This ain't you!

Blind Date:
So is that all you care about is looks?

Grandad:
YEEEEEESS!

Blind Date:
Well excuse me for thinking you liked me for who I was on the inside!

Grandad:
Well you're a liar on the inside! This whole relationship is based on a lie! AN UGLY LIIIEEEEE!!! Why in the hell does this keep happening to me, God? What did I do to deserve this? This is payback for what? What did I do to you? Tell me!

Blind Date:
Maybe I should leave. Nigga, you ain't no Denzel. Hell, you ain't even no Flava Flav.

Grandad:
Time after time after time. There ought to be a law, lock em up, charge em with fraud, I'd be snitchin' on ugly women all day, I should give em the chair, electrify their ugly asses, dry pool that switch quick!

Riley:
(To Luna, who has just arrived) We don't keep cash in the house!

Luna:
(About the Kumite, a martial arts tournament) Good times. Yeah, good times.

Huey:
The Kumite (martial arts noise) is supposed to be death match, right?

Riley:
You ever kill anybody?

Luna:
Hey, everybody has to die sometime.

(Luna eats her meal, while a flashback continues again)

(In the flashback, Luna is dominating the fight against her opponent)

Old Master:
FINISH HIM!

(Luna rips out the oversized heart of her huge opponent at a fighting tournament)

Announcer:
(his announcement displayed onscreen as he says it) LUNA WINS...FATALITY!

Luna:
I mean I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen. It's all the the same. I mean they can only hang ya once, right? (laughs) Am I right or am I right? (laughs) C'mon now, you're leaving me hanging!

(Huey, Riley and Granddad stare at Luna, obviously terrified)

Granddad, Huey and Riley:
WE HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Granddad:
(quietly) *Gasps* Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Hurry! Get on! Hurry Up!

(Luna looks surprised at their sudden departure)

(Huey, Riley, and Granddad retreat to the bathroom)

Riley:
Thanks for inviting a killer kung-fu wolf bitch to the crib, Granddad!

Granddad:
You think I knew she was a killer kung-fu wolf bitch!? She didn't say nothing about no damn Kumitie, Kumitoo, Kumite (kung-fu noise) Koom, black coon, now y'all just hush! And try to figure out what we gon' do. Huey, what we gon' do?

Huey:
You gon' tell her to get the hell out!

Granddad:
I'm not gonna tell her to leave! She might hit me with one of them exploding nutsack techniques!

Huey:
Oh, come on, Grandad. She's not a kung fu master, she's crazy!

Grandad:
Shit! Then you go kick her ass out!

Huey:
But this is your respondiblity!

Grandad:
Hey, I'm willing to say in the bathroom all night!

Uncle Ruckus:
First of all, if woman is over 35 years old and she ain't married then she must be as nutty as squirrel shit!

Granddad:
But everything was so right, and by everything else, I mean her looks. She was fine!

Uncle Ruckus:
She couldn't look that good, she was black! But I guess if you put lipstick and a wig on a monkey, it could look good too!(chuckles, and says to himself) A monkey in lipstick and a wig...

(After telling Robert and Tom about the various abuse experiences she's had)

Luna:
After that, I had one terrible relationship after another. I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable: Verbal...

Ex-Boyfriend #1:
I told you not to wash my bloody ski mask with detergent because it irritates my fucking eczema!!!!

Ex-Boyfriend #2:
Look at ya, don't nobody want you but me. You ain't fuck without me. You without me equal shit, you understand that you ugly fat bitch. Now let me borrow your car.

Luna:
...and then there was that summer I dated Jim Brown...

Doorbell Ho:
(orgasmically) Ding....... dong....

Thugnificent:
That's right, nigga! Whore Bell.

Thugnificent:
Shit, this one nigga came through here with his bitch - left with a case of hate poisoning, nigga. You know what I'm saying? Ay, Ay, Ay Flow, tell em about that nigga that got his spirits crushed by the rubies and and the diamonds and shit.

Flonominal:
He killed himself, man. Took his own life and shit, Y'knamean? Suicide over some shit about his ex-girlfriend and all of that. We all knew the shit was about the diamonds and the rubies and the jacuzzi!

Thugnificent:
Now Riley, I want you to know even though we're doing it real grand, if this rap shit don't work, we runnin' up in nigga's houses!

(The Lethal interjection crew all voice their approval)

Flonominal:
We gonna be hittin' the street, son! Movin' mad rock all day, sellin' that real heavy drug shit!

(The crew shout their approval louder)

Lenny:
Or we be flippin' those burgers at Wendy's, my nigga!

(The room falls silent)

Lenny:
...know what I mean? With the fries and shit, I do whatever nigga! Shakes, all that "extra ketchup? Here, you need some napkins?" You feel me?

(More silence. Everyone just glares at Lenny)

Macktastic:
Man what the fuck is you talkin' about?

Thugnificent:
What the fuck was that?

(Everyone else grumbles insults)

Lenny:
I'm sorry man, I wasn't thinkin' about it. I shoulda said, like... Burger King...

(Thugnificent glares)

Thugnificent:
What's good with you, planet earth? This your boy Thugnificent representing Terre-Belle, Georgia. You know I'm saying? Lethal Interjection living next to your home. Check the chain, nigga! (holds up chain) I know y'all love my music, and love my videos, and shit. But be fully prepared to drink hella haterade, nigga. Cause y'all 'bout to see how good it is to be me, and how bad it is to be you!

Riley:
Hey, if nigga's ain't mad at you, you're doing something wrong!

Huey:
By that definition then, you have a very bright future.

Riley:
Thanks, man!

Riley:
(narrating) Since I woke up, I knew who took my chain: Butch Magnus Milosovic.

Man:
Butch Magnus?

Teen :
Crazy Butch Magnus? Something is really wrong with that kid.

Old Woman:
The most fucked-up child I've ever seen in my life. My long-ass, sorry, mothafuckin', goddamn life!

Woman:
Butch Magnus? Awful, terrible human. Makes me sick just to think of him! I'm gonna vomit now.

Riley:
(narrating) Otherwise known as "One-Punch Butch". He like to jack you first and ask you for your shit all after the fact.

Butch:
(punches a kid and takes his sandwich) What kind of sandwich is this? (punches a kid and takes his iPod) What are you listening to? (punches a kid off his bike and rides off with it) Let me ride your bike real quick, bitch!

Riley:
(narrating) Last year, Butch was expelled from the Jesus, Mary and Joseph Academy For Boys for assaulting a nun.

Butch:
(takes the paddle) Gimme dis shit!

Nun:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Riley:
(narrating) He even made it on one of those Maury Povich episodes where they send the kids to Boot Camp.

(Butch is sitting on stage casually, next to a security guard. An imposing drill instructor marches onto the set and starts yelling in Butch's face)

Drill Instructor:
YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE FAT ASS TURD, I AIN'T YO MOMMA AND I AIN'T GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS NONSEN--

(Butch smiles and headbutts the D.O. viciously, breaking his nose.)

Drill Instructor:
' AAUUUGHHHH!! (collapses as blood gushes from his nose)

(The security guard tries to restrain Butch, only to be clobbered by a chair. Butch then smashes the chair on the terrified Drill Instructor.)

Thugnificent:
Riley, why you didn't tell us someone jacked yo' chain?

Riley:
I didn't want y'all to think I couldn't handle my shit like a man.

Flownominal:
Riley, that's the whole point of bein' in a crew, nigga! So you ain't never gotta handle yo' own shit like a man!

Riley:
HEY! "Bitch" Magnus!

Butch Magnus Milosevich:
Whatchoo call me??

Riley:
I call you a bitch, cuz you a bitch! What, you thought I wasn't gonna come see you? You thought you wasn't gonna get the taste smacked out of your mouth for trying to jack Young Reezy? You better fall back, nigga!

Butch Magnus Milosevich:
You can't beat me! I'm Butch Magnus! AAARRRGGGHHH!

Riley:
You do real good when you come outta nowhere and sucker punch a nigga. Why don't you fight a nigga straight up?

(Butch stalks up to Riley... the monstrous bully literally blocks out the sunlight as he towers above Riley. Riley stands his ground but looks just a little worried.)

Ed Wuncler III:
[To a tied-up child hanging by his feet from the ceiling] Now, what I want you to do is think - just think - these two grapes, is your two little itty-bitty-kiddie testicles. [He smashes the grapes with a massive sledgehammer.]

Ed Wuncler III:
WHERE IS THE CHAIN?

Boy:
[crying] I don't know, I swear to God!

Ed Wuncler III:
Don't swear to God. I talk to God all the time and God happens to be the one who told me to torture your ass, ya lyin' stealin' motherfucker. [raising the sledgehammer to take a swing at his face] You gonna tell me where that chain is, I know that!

Riley:
Ed, can I talk to you outside? Please?

Ed Wuncler III:
[Grabbing the boy's hair] Look at my face. Look at it! I'ma crush your little kiddie penis with this hammer when I get back, if you don't tell me where that chain is at!

Boy:
[Wailing incoherently]

Riley:
Now, Ed! [Riley and Ed leave the room] That's the wrong kid, Ed! I told you to grab Butch Magnus, 5'4, 130 pounds!

Ed Wuncler III:
Well, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong kid?

Riley:
I gave you a picture, man, how hard is it to grab the right kid, Ed?

Ed Wuncler III:
[Walking back into the room] You told me to grab a kid. I grabbed a kid. You don't like the way I do it, then do your own kidnapping. [untying the boy] You know what, that's your only freebie. You want me to kidnap anyone else, you payin' top dollar.

Riley:
That's not fair, you grabbed the wrong kid!

Ed Wuncler III:
Tough titty! [To the boy] My bad. You go ahead and leave. [As he cowers] What the fuck you lookin' all scared for, huh? I said you was free to go right? Which part of 'my bad' do you not understand? Oh, so now you wanna make this a whole big fuckin' thing, huh? Well, fuck you, then! [he lunges at the boy, to be stopped by Riley]

Riley:
Woah, okay, okay, enough, man, enough!

Ed Wuncler III:
Naw, naw, man, I'm sick of this shit, I'm tryin' to squash it, right, and this bitch-ass motherfucker still actin' like he hurt and shit. [Grabbing at the boy with every sentence] I ain't even touched this motherfucker, yet! I ain't even brushed past you yet, I ain't even make eye contact with your punk-ass! [As the boy runs away screaming] Yeah, come on over here, I'll give your bitch-ass something to cry about!

Huey:
Well, you were looking for hate. Way to go.

Riley:
Shut up, punk! Instead of bein' Mr. Funny Nigga, why don't you try bein' Mr. Help-A-Nigga-Go-Jump-A-Nigga-And-Get-His-Chain-Back? Man, I gotta find a way to get it 'fore Thugnificent finds out.

Huey:
Riley, let the chain go. If Thugnificent wants it back, he can handle it.

Riley:
Then he'll think I'm a punk and kick me out the crew!

Huey:
It's just rocks and metal. It's only worth what you're willin' to give up for it. Is it worth gettin' hurt again?

Riley:
Yeah.

Huey:
Goin' to jail?

Riley:
Yeah.

Huey:
Gettin' killed?

Riley:
Yessir!

Huey:
Kissin' a man?

Riley:
Yeah-yeah! (A look of shock appears on Riley's face, and he covers his mouth.) Oh! NO!

Huey:
WHOA! Kissin' a man? I mean, if it feels natural and that's what you're into, I mean... (Huey gets up and walks to the door without looking back.)

Riley:
No, that don't count! That's a do-over! I didn't know you was gon' say dat!

Huey:
Guess you really want that chain back. (Huey opens the door and walks out.)

Riley:
NO! THE ANSWER IS NO!! (...and the door shuts.)

(Flonominal and Riley confront Butch at the baseball field)

Flownominal:
Butch Magnus!

(Butch turns around with his usual defiant sneer)

Butch Magnus Milosevich:
Eh?

Flownominal:
Yeah, motherfucker! You fuck with ONE member of Lethal Interjection, you fuck'd with every last one of us! (starts forward -- Butch doesn't budge) Come try some of that tough shit with ME, you little--

(Butch slams a baseball bat into Flownominal's knee.)

Flownominal:
Oh! Man!!! (collapses)

Riley:
(winces)

Flownominal:
(writhing on the ground) My motherfucking' leg! Owww!

Butch Magnus Milosevich:
You can take this piece of shit chain! My dad had it appraised -- he said it was WORTHLESS! (throws the chain down next to Flownominal)

Flownominal:
(in agony) Oh Jesus!!! My motherfucking! Oh Jesus!

Butch Magnus Milosevich:
Ya broke bitch! Get a real chain! (casually walks off)

Flownominal:
My leg is broken!! Aauuughhh.... (sobs) Mother(Beeped)'... stupid ass bitch! Motherfucker... oohhhh!

(Riley picks up the chain)

Riley:
(narrating) Know what? Still better than an old funky "necklace"!

(Riley walks away proudly)

Flownominal:
...punk motherfucker! (notices Riley leaving) Man, Riley! We cool, nigga! Remember?!! Come help me, Riley! We in a crew! Augghh!! (Riley doesn't even look back)

(Annual All-Star Weekend presenter on Riley)

Presenter:
Here he is winning the 3-point contest, making it rain like Lil' Wayne out this Mother(Beeped)! Without taking off his warm-ups! Or his Tims, nigga!

Presenter:
Man, check out how Young Reezy shitted on these niggas in today's game! Here's Riley goin' up against Kobe Bryant, and breaks his ankle! Look at that bitch as nigga limpin' off the floor! Ooh, no wonder they ride his nuts so hard! Seems like Yao Ming wants some too! Get yo' bitch ass out the way, nigga!

Presenter:
Shaq! Seventeen blocks from Riley, you had one. That's got to make you feel (Beeped) up!?

Shaq:
It did at first, then I realized hating on Riley's superior game doesn't make my game any better, so I guess I have to work harder, step up to his level, that's what great players do, they bring the best out of everyone on the team.

Presenter:
So he's better than you?

Shaq:
Yes.

Presenter:
And stacks more paper and get more hoes than you, nigga?

Shaq:
Absolutely.

Uncle Ruckus:
(blows referee whistle) Alright everbody, keep an eye on your wallet! Heh,heh heh! (to Riley) Look here ol' dawg, the only stealin' and shootin' I wanna see is this here b-ball, ya little future ex-con!

(Riley wants to change the name of the team from the Woodcrest Deers)

Tom Dubois:
You don't like the name? We rep Timid Deer!

Riley:
I don't wanna rep Timid Deer. I want to rep something that doesn't sound faggy!

(Uncle Ruckus is reffing the basketball game.)

Uncle Ruckus:
(to Riley, regarding Cindy McPherson) Lookin' at the white girl is a foul. Speakin' to the white girl is a technical foul! And touchin' the white girl... ho-ho ho ho ho, now that's a LYNCHIN'!

"Fearsome" Cindy McPherson:
Uh-Oh. Don't get picked by a girl now! I don't think you want that. That ain't pretty!

(Cindy is taunting Riley on the court as she stands dribbling)

"Fearsome" Cindy McPhearson:
Got 'em.... Got 'em.... Got 'em!!

(Blows past Riley and scores with a layup)

Uncle Ruckus:
FOUL, FOUL, keep your hands off that little girl

Riley:
Come on man, that’s some old bullshit!

Riley:
'Yo momma so ugly...' No, wait. We can say, 'yo momma so black, when she gets out of the car, the oil light comes on!'

(Huey looks at the opposing sideline, at Cindy's mother -- a very beautiful (and very white) woman)

Huey':
I don't think that's going to work.

(After his team lose the last basketball game.)

Tom Dubois:
Motherfuckers! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Pricks! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shhhhhheeeeiiiiiittttt!

Riley Freeman:
Yo momma got caught givin’ up neck in the bathroom at the Woodcrest Country Club and it wasn't yo daddy.

Uncle Ruckus:
(talking to Riley) white man made you look like a fool, aint no surprise to me all the greatest basketball players have always been white still are Larry Bird, Dirk Novitzki oh sure he's ugly as hell on the face but he's as white as rice.

Riley:
Huey?

Huey:
Yeah?

Riley:
I don't like losin'.

Huey:
Well, then stop beatin yourself.

Riley:
Huey?

Huey:
Yeah?

Riley:
You still a bitch! (laughs)

Robert "Granddad" Freeman:
I've seen that raggedy piece of shit house. That nigga ain't lost that damn much.

Riley Freeman:
Everybody knows that New Orleans Niggas is grime-y!"

Nique:
(walks by) "Yup, thanks wotey"

Riley Freeman:
"That's my hat!"

Jericho's Mother:
The Lord will provide another lamp!!! Praaaaiiise JESSSSUSSS!!!!!

Uncle Ruckus:
I hate jazz music, sounds like a long car wreck with a bunch of cats!

Uncle Ruckus:
Ever hear of that movie, When The Levees Broke? I got me a documentary called 'When Are The Levees Gonna Break Again?

Robert "Grandad" Freeman:
I'm sorry the levees broke but if they don't get their black asses out of here, I'm gonna be broke.

Uncle Ruckus:
I got a dog named Levee and every time it rains I kick him.

Jericho:
Come on Robert, what would mama say it she knew you were kickin' out your family?

Robert "Granddad" Freeman:
SHE'D SAY GET THEM BROKE-ASS NIGGAS THE FUCK OUT!!!

Jericho's mother (praying for Robert Freeman as a pipe organ plays in the background):
I ask You to bless him, Lord, and keep providing for him, Lord, so that he may keep providing for us, Lord! JESUS!!!! Amen! As we walk in Your glory...

Robert "Grandad" Freeman:
GET OFF OF ME WOMAN!!!

Riley:
Bitch, this all you got?!! Three dollars and a prepaid cellphone with only two fucking minutes left on it?!!

Uncle Ruckus:
Hey there Robert! I'd offer to help you with your bags, but you a coon!

Uncle Ruckus:
Ain't nobody talking while I'm talking, so shut the fuck up! My name is Uncle Ruckus and I will be nigga-sitting you two until your grandfather returns. Your granddad had picked me cause I am a licensed zoologist. I have studied a variety of wild animals and the African male, if by far, is the most savagely cunning. This is an opportunity to observe you niggas in your natural habitat and collect data. But be warned, whatever nigga trickery you got up your sleeve does not affect me!

Huey:
I'm not gonna fight you, I'm grounding you!

Riley:
Ground me? What is this? Family Ties? Nigga, you can't ground me!

Huey:
I just did. Don't leave the house.

Riley:
(under breath) This nigga musta lost it! I wanna know what this nigga be smokin' on! Shoot. Talkin' about I'm grounded. I'm Young Reezy! I goes where I wants'ta go.

Huey:
Your grounded.

Riley:
(After being drop-kicked) You better have eyes in the back of yo' head, nigga.

Huey:
I have supreme authority while Granddad's away!

Riley:
You got supreme authority over these nuts, nigga!

Riley:
(after being thrown in closet) I'm closet-phobic!

Huey:
You ready to come out?

(Huey opens the closet door, but Riley is no longer inside. Riley appears in the hallway with a set of Air guns and starts shooting at Huey)

Riley:
Say hello to the bad guy! Hee-hee! Heh heh heh heh!

Huey:
Damn it Riley! You ruined our family! You drove granddad away, now he's never coming back!

Riley:
Granddad left 'cause of you! Nobody likes you Huey, 'cause you're a gay-ass, hater, fagey boy! Heh heh heh! Heh!

(A gun battle ensues)

Riley:
Okay! I'm reloaded! Hee-hee! Heh heh heh heh! How you like that, fool?

(Both have guns pointed at each others heads, at point-blank range)

Huey:
Why does it always have to end up like this?

Riley:
Cuz youse a bitch.

Huey:
Don't do it.

Riley:
Can't you just be happy to see another nigga fitted up--lookin' dipped and buttered and shinin' and glistenin'?

Huey:
Were gonna run out of food in a few days, Riley.

Riley:
You suppose to be in charge. You suppose to be the leader. Lead us to some breakfast then, nigga.

Huey:
You both say the word "nigga" all the time.

Robert"Granddad" Freeman:
I do not!

Huey:
Riley thought it was his name until he was three.

Ann Coulter:
(repeated line) I mean... [scoffs]

Ann Coulter:
I think it's criminal they suspended this teacher. I mean, just because he stood up to some foul mouth gang member.

Huey and Riley:
GANG MEMBER??!

(Uncle Ruckus called Robert to ridicule him after Ann Coulter called Riley a "gang member")

Uncle Ruckus:
Haw haw! That Ann Coulter really pulled your card, didn't she? Now that's one sharp, sexy white woman. She looks just like Helen of Troy. I don't care how big her adam's apple is, she's still all woman!

(On the phone trying to hire extras to fill out a protest)

Reverend Rollo Goodlove:
Hell nah them niggas ain't getting no dinner, Just lunch... able

Interviewer:
So Riley said the n-word before you did that morning?

Joe Petto:
: He says it every morning! He calls me "nigga", he calls the other kids "nigga", he calls himself nigga. All the time. "Nigga this, nigga that." "Nigga, please." "Bitch nigga." "Nigga, have you lost your mind?" "Nigga, check that ho." "Nigga, you bullshittin'." "Break yourself, nigga!" He says it so much, I don't even notice it anymore. Last week in lunch, Riley says to a classmate, "Can a nigga borrow a french fry?" and my first thought wasn't "Oh my god, he said the word; the n-word." It was "Now how is a nigga gonna borrow a fry? Nigga, is you gonna give it back?"

Huey:
The problem with restraining speech is, who gets to set the rules? If it's only okay in a certain time or place, who gets to say what time and what place? Bill Cosby?

Bill Cosby:
B'yes! As a matter of fact I get to set the rules about what is appropriate to say and what is not appropriate to say! Forrrrr example: The other day a youth walked up to ME and asked "what it do?" He sounded like he was auditioning for a slave epic! Proper way to say that sentence is "What DOES it do?" I personally blame the MOTHER...

Bill Cosby:
I don't think black people should ever use racist words when describing other black people. And if you DO, then you're a Sambo, and a Coon. B'HAH HAH HAH HAH.

Uncle Ruckus:
(about Huey's story): What website is that?

Slave:
Hey Master, Deanda send a message for you.

Slave Master:
I don't know of anyone named Deanda. Deanda who?

Slave:
De End'a my (Beep), Nigga!

Tobias:
You guys are real fucking' assholes, you know that?!?!

Slave 1:
C'mon, man, look on the bright side. You get to hang out here in the fields. With the real niggas. Ain't you sick of the white man?

Tobias:
You know what I'm sick of? You two blaming the white man for everything. The white man this. The white man that. You'll never get anywhere with that attitude.

Slave 2:
Man, fuck that white nigga. That's your master. I don't know that nigga.

Tobias:
All I'm sayin' is, you stop bein' a victim, you might be able to better your life on your own.

Slave 1:
You ain't said nothin'. Ima do that. You better believe it. As soon as Catcher Freeman rides through here with his brigade and cuts that cracker's head clean off, unh, I'm outta here. You ain't never see no nigga be gone like Ima be gone. Tell you somethin'. You ain't seen no nigga ride out like me AND Ima join the gang. I got a letter sayin' I could join Catcher Freeman's brigade and ride out with that nigga.

Slave 2:
Damn, you get mail, nigga?

Tobias:
That's your plan?! Catcher Freeman, huh? Why don't I just wait for Santa Claus to take you away on his sled?

Slave 1:
Nigga, you don't believe in Catcher Freeman?!

Tobias:
(mimicks Slave 1) Of course I don't. I don't believe in the Easter Bunny either.

Slave 2:
I'm tellin' you, man. Catcher Freeman is real. He go round from plantation to plantation freein' all the slaves and shit. He like 14 feet tall. Got trapezeous muscles and biceps. It's crazy. He ain't just no normal nigga, he Supernigga. He like a black-ass Batman if you will. And he can fly. Underwater.

Riley (V.O.):
Wait, how'd they know who Batman is?

Granddad (V.O.):
STOP INTERRUPTING!

Tobias:
Ha! That's ridiculous! I don't even know who Batman is!

Slave 2:
And what's your plan, house nigga? I bet you don't even wanna escape, all on Master's nuts.

Tobias:
Oh I'm gonna escape all right. I'm gonna escape with this (points to his noggin), ok? With my mind. I've got this (pulls out a manuscript). It's a play but for the screen.

Slave 1:
What screen, nigga? We in the 1800s.

Tobias:
I've thought of a new way to display moving pictures on a screen. Of course, it's all abstract since I don't have any actual film or cameras or anything. But I'm gonna show Master Colonel my screenplay and when he reads it, he's gonna know this could be a huge projection.

Slave 2:
Nigga, you tryin' to get off the plantation by sellin' a script? (They both start laughing) Nigga, you ain't even supposed to know how to read! How you gonna sell a script, asshole? Plus there's a writer's strike, nigga!

Field Slaves:
Take our black asses outta here/ won't you take our black asses outta here/ won't you come save us, Catcher/ and kill all these crackers/ Lord take our black asses outta here

Lead Singer:
Sing this muthafucker now!!!

Field Slaves:
Take our black asses outta here

Lead Singer:
Massa Colonel youse a bitch nigga

Field Slaves:
Won't you take our black asses outta here

Lead Singer:
Gonna burn yo...

Master Colonel:
Thank you, Tobias. I want you to know, you've always been like a son to me, except I would never ever lay with your black jungle bunny momma.

Tobias:
Oh, master!

Thelma:
KILLS DEM BOTH!

Tobias:
NO! You lyin' black bitch! Thats wasn't a week! Oh!

Riley:
Where y'all goin?! Y'all aint give me a chance to tell y'all my story! Y'all aint heard my Catcher Freeman story yet! My Catcher Freeman story better than all o' y'all! See my Catcher Freeman wurrn't no slave; he was like "fuck that shit, I'm a real nigga" y'know what sayin'! Plus he had 300 hoes and didn't just have no Thelma, he had all kinds of bitchez! And he rode a Bentley Coupe with twenty-fours and guns on the rims nigga what!

Robert:
It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Catcher Freeman! (Catcher jumps out a tree and proceeds to kill some white men) Get them, Catcher! Looks at him go. Look out, Catcher, behind you! (Catcher throws his sword into a white man's mouth, killing him) Oh, he got that cracker! Ha Ha!

Riley:
'Hold up, hold up! How this nigga learned that ninja shit? They didn't know about that back then!

Uncle Ruckus:
Look at that nigga go! Ha Ha!

Riley:
Oh look you see that nigga flip from tree to tree like on some old Tarzan shit? Wait, wait, wait, bring that back; I need that again!

Uncle Ruckus:
I be happy to that for ya. (Scene rewinds and starts up again) Look at that negro go again! Ha Ha!

Host:
Ok. Ok. Here it is. This yah boy! This yah boy look ok this moment you've all been waiting for. It's the world premier and that's not just around here that's the whole world. The brand new Gangstalicious video, the song is called Homies Over Hos.

Huey:
(The host is still talking in the background about the video) I thought you hated Gangstalicious.

Riley:
I mean he a punk and all that, but he send a nigga some free CDs and apologized and all so I decided to squash it.(music starts to play) He still a punk though.

Gangstalicious:
Homies over hos (bitch). Homies over hos (bitch). Homies over hos (bitch). Homies over hos (bitch). Do the homie. Do the homie. Do the homie. Do the homie. You never catchin' 'Lish, rollin' with no bitch, 'cause bitches ain't (Beep). And so my crew is thick..

Riley:
The beat is iight.

Gangstalicious:
... A bunch of knuckleheads. With bald heads and dreads. Nigga we hatin' on them hos like we hate the feds. Bitch can't you see fall back away from me. Me and my niggas bumpin' chests in the VIP. Now bump it to the left. Now bump it to the right. 'Cause when you do the Homie got to do it right.

Huey:
Come on Riley. The song? The dance. I mean... "do the homie?"

Riley:
The homie dance ain't gay. I do the homie.

Huey:
That's not gay? You who thinks everything in the world is gay.

Riley:
(flashbacks of riley) Nigga you gay. You gay. Ya'll niggas are gay. Nigga you gay. That's gay.

Huey:
You don't find any of that gay at all?

Riley:
Okay, so all that others stuff was gay. But Gangstalicious ain't gay. You cant just go throwin in that "gay" thing around Huey. Thats a serious accusation.

Huey:
You the one who said he kissed a guy.

Uncle Ruckus:
What in tarnation is he wearing?

Granddad:
I don't know. Do you think he's...?

Uncle Ruckus:
On the train to Faggotsville? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. I'm so sorry, Robert. A gay grandson, huh? I can't imagine anything worse than that.

Granddad:
Not Riley! Maybe there's another explanation. Maybe this is some kind of crazy sitcom misunderstanding.

Uncle Ruckus:
No, wake up! Wake up and smell the gay coffee! All the evidence you could possibly need is right in front of your face. It'll only be a matter of time before that little boy be a grown man bent over a table with his pants 'round his ankles being entered repeatedly by another man. Toot toot! Last train to Faggotsville leavin' in five minutes! Leavin' in five minutes for that chocolate tunnel hole!

A Pimp Named Slickback:
So you see, my dearest Riley, it is this instinctive and burning need to procreate between a man and a bitch that not only keeps the human race going but also fuels many important industries such as my very own.

Riley:
So what do you think about Homies Over Hoes?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Is that something at Denny's? I don't know what that is.

Riley:
Homies Over Hoes? You know, like, you supposed to put your homie over a ho. That's how pimps do, right?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
I don't think Homies Over Hoes is a sentiment that A Pimp Named Slickback can cosign, Riley. I mean don't get me wrong. A Pimp Named Slickback would put a lot of things over a ho. Money over a ho? Always. Brand new gators over a ho? Absolutely. A turkey sandwich with just tomato? Guaranteed. But homies? Oh no. A Pimp Named Slickback don't do shit for the homies. Let me reiterate. Don't do shit for the homies. Unless the homie wanna walk that stroll and get that money, a homie ain't gettin' a goddamn thing. And the same goes for brothers, peeps, dudes, fellas, dunnies, comrades, whatever the fuck niggas is callin' each other nowadays. Sound like some gay shit to me.

Huey:
I like Elton John. But that doesn't make me gay.

Riley:
Is Elton John gay?

Huey:
Yeah.

Riley:
See? And YOU gay.

Riley:
(gesturing effeminately) I'm the most not-gay nigga of the not-gay niggas of the whole universe!

Riley:
My nigga, I watch BET everyday, feel me? Ain't nuttin' wrong wit' me, feel me? Nigga you just hatin', feel me? That's why you ain't never gonna have no paper, ain't never gonna have no bitches, feel me?

(regarding Gangstalicious)

Riley He's gay. (pause) Isn't he?

Huey:
Yep.

Riley:
And I was his biggest fan. That makes me gay, don't it?

Huey:
(pauses briefly, taking the cheap shot) ...Yep.

(Riley breaks down into tears)

Huey:
(to himself, quietly) I know it's wrong. But I really want my own room.

(Huey walks to the door, and leaves just as Grandad walks in.)

Huey:
Take it easy on him, Grandad. He's just -- tryin to come to terms with it.

(Grandad kneels down next to Riley to console him.)

Riley:
(pitifully) Grandad... I think I might be....

Grandad:
It's OK, son. I know.

Riley:
...I might be.... (breaks into sobs)

(Grandad hugs Riley as they both cry)

Grandad:
It's OK, it's OK. Oh. You're a gay! Boy! How did that be, how did that happen....

Deborah Leevil:
Our leader, Bob Johnson had a dream. A dream of creating a network that would accomplish what hundreds of years of slavery, Jim Crow, and malt liquor couldn't: THE DESTRUCTION OF BLACK PEOPLE! Is that so hard?

(Rollo Goodlove holds a rally which Huey attends. Various men can be heard yelling during the speech)

Rollo:
Brothas and sistas! I said, brothas and sistas! I don't know what this world is coming to! (Yeah!) But if you ask me what I think about BET, I tell you with no shame: BET sucks! (SUCK DAT DICK!... SUCKS!) I say that because, when I sit and watch BET, my dignity is sucked away. And, uh, my pride is sucked away. (Everything is sucked away!) And the promise we made, for the freedom struggle over the last five decades, is sucked. Away. (IT SUUUCKS!) Now, brothas and sistas! We are here today, because we're not gon' let BET suck anymore from us! I say stand up and tell 'em, I will not be afraid none to yo' foolishness! I'm free! (FREE!) And I will not be captured by yo' ignorance, because I'm free! And I will NOT be trapped, in yo' Negro-fied matrix either! Because I am...FREE.

Male BET Employee:
I've got a question.

Weggie Rudlin:
Of course you do, you didn't go to Harvard.

Uncle Ruckus :
I wake up about a quarter of five in the A.M. every morning. That's about 12 more hours before most niggas wake up. Heh, heh.

Uncle Ruckus:
Now one of the great pleasures of my day is taking these pretty little white children to school in the morning. Hey there, Mister Billy how ya doin?

Billy:
(rudely past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Move outta my way, fat boy!

Uncle Ruckus:
I keep the bus nice and clean for them. These kids- oh excuse, 'scuse me. (sees blonde little girl walking towards the school bus). Oh hello Miss Madison.

Madison:
(rudely walking past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Whatever.

Uncle Ruckus:
There's my little sunshine. (spots Huey and Riley) Whoa, whoa hold it there! (waving hand-held metal detector around them) Where's the gun huh?

Riley:
(indignant) Ay, man!

Uncle Ruckus:
Where's the gun, huh? Go on, git, git! Get outta here! Go do your little hifey-fifey dances and nigga monkey shuffle somewhere else! This here bus is for kids with a future!

(Huey and Riley angrily walk to school together)

Uncle Ruckus:
(drives the school bus up to Huey and Riley) That's right, that's right, get your lazy asses some exercise! Y'all should just grow up to be rappers, get into a beef and then shoot each other! Ah, ha, ha, ha!

(drives past Huey and Riley)

(While cleaning a urinal in the men's room in J. Edgar Hoover Elementary School)

Uncle Ruckus:
People say there's no difference between the races. But I tell ya what that I've been cleaning bathrooms for a long time and I can say that white man (Beep) don't smell the same as black African (Beep). See, the white man just got a better liver,white man eats his meat raw. See that's healthier, he calls it tartar. (A white male gets out of a bathroom stall with his pants halfway down) Now how you doin' on this fine day sir? (White male becomes uneasy,stammers and his pants fall down, exposing his boxer shorts) May I say your dookie smells like sparkling ice water with a twist of lime. (White male exits men's room with his pants still halfway down). See? That's why he don't have to wash his hands neither! Yes sir, white man has impeccable hygiene.

(To Ruckus after finding out he is part-Scottish according to a DNA test)

Tom:
I mean, why should Alex Haley be the only person to discover their roots, ya know? (laughs)

Uncle Ruckus:
Uh, I'm sorry. Alex what?

Tom:
Ya know, Alex Haley. Roots.

Uncle Ruckus:
Roots? What is that some kinda gardening show?

Tom:
You're joking, right? Roots, ya know Roots.

Uncle Ruckus:
Eh, I don't follow ya.

Tom:
Roots, Roots, Roots! You never heard of Roots, the mini-series? (to Jazmine) Come here honey. (picks up Jazmine) Hold on. Aaaaaah. (holds up Jazmine to the sky) Roots!

Uncle Ruckus:
I dunno nothin' bout' whatchu talkin' about.

Mistress Leevil (to male BET employee):
Uh, what network do you work for?

Male BET Employee:
B.E.T.

Mistress Leevil:
And what does that stand for?

Male BET Employee:
Black Entertainment-(interrupted mid-sentence)

Mistress Leevil :
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Black Evil Television. It's not enough that the shows are bad, they have to be evil as well. Send in my evil HENCHMEN! (camera cuts to a tall, large black man bald man dressed in black with a black female dressed in black with an afro and large gold hoop earrings) These are my evil henchmen, Big Nigga and Crazy Bitch. Big Nigga, Crazy Bitch, teach this person the meaning of black and evil. (Male BET employee and Weggie Rudlin collectively gasp in fear)

Crazy Bitch:
Oh no dis nigga didn't!

Male BET Employee:
No! Mistress Leevil, PLEASE! (Big Nigga marches up to him and grabs him by his afro) We're making more evil, I promise!! (Big nigga puts him in a chokehold)

Crazy Bitch:
Oh HELL no, this mothafucker gonna pay! (takes off her earrings)

Male BET Employee:
Weggie, PLEASE SAVE ME!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Crazy Bitch:
YAAAAAAAA!!! (runs up to Male BET Employee and proceeds to slash him while Weggie looks in horror and then looks away as if he was unaffected amidst Mistress Leevil's maniacal laughter and the blood splattered on her and on the walls of the boardroom)

Mistress Leevil (after the boardroom quiets down):
Weggie Rudlin!

Weggie Rudlin (nervously):
Agh, aaaaagh! Huh?

Mistress Leevil:
This Uncle Ruckus show, how's it going?

Weggie Rudlin (nervously):
Huh uhhhhhhh (voice changes in pitch).. Great! F-fantastic!

Mistress Leevil:
Is it evil?

Weggie Rudlin:
Oh, absolutely.

Mistress Leevil:
I hope so, Weggie, for your sake. ( calmly wipes off blood splatter from her face). 'Cause if it's not evil then, you know what's gonna happen. By happening I mean killed or at least very seriously injured sooo, so, you know, just make sure it's evil.

Uncle Ruckus:
I got somethin' for a fraternity for niggas. A fraternity of bananas up a tree! (barks like a dog, then laughs). Black fraternities should have a name, like boogedy boogedy! Hey, I got a black fraternity for ya, it's called prison! Jail Fi Jail, nigga!

(after finding out his DNA results came up as him being 102% African with a 2% marginal error)

Uncle Ruckus:
(sighs) Well,I'm black now. So the first thing I did was quit all my jobs, I dunno how I'm supposed to pay all the bills. Probably have to start selling crack, or rappin' or rappin' 'bout selling crack. Ya know, I probably might not even have re-vitiligo.

(Knocks on The Freeman's door and Huey answers it)

Uncle Ruckus (sighs dejectedly):
Okay, I'm black. What am I supposed to do now?

(while playing checkers with Robert at the park)

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, we probably gonna die any second now from one of these conditions and diseases niggas get. You name it, diabetes, gout, high blood pressure, asthma, sickle cell (Robert interrupts mid-sentence)...

Robert:
Oh, Ruckus stop. This is all in your damn head,you the exact same fool you were last week. You were black then,you're black now and you're gonna be black tomorrow.(Ruckus sighs dejectedly) Ain't nothin' wrong with being black and if you give it a chance you might actually like it, Hmmm? Mmm hm?

(Cut to Robert and Uncle Ruckus at a Foot Locker)

Robert:
Ruckus, what are we doing here?

Uncle Ruckus:
Well, this is what niggas do,right? Buy sneakers, then maybe later we'll buy loud stereos and be-rate women in rap lyrics. (looks at a display hi-top sneaker with visible shock absorbers). Is this the shit you niggas wear nowadays? This look like a damn astronaut shoe! I'm black, I'm not walkin' to the moon! I'm walkin' to the liquor store!

Robert:
Ruckus, STOP! C'mon man.

Uncle Ruckus:
LeeBron James, Allen Iverson,can I get a shoe named after a white man, PLEASE?! (spots a young black male Foot Locker employee) 'Scuse me, darkie in the zebra shirt! Can I get a Bruce Jenner sneaker?

Robert:
Man, to hell with this bullshit, you on your own! (walks out of the Foot Locker, leaving Ruckus behind).

Uncle Ruckus:
I'm not leavin' here 'till I get me a shoe named after a white man! John Stockton, Pistol Pete Maravich, ANYBODY!

(cut to the Barbershop)

Barber (while cutting a male client's hair):
Now I'm ain't sayin' I like the Democrats, but I don't and they sho' as hell don't know what the (Beep) they doin'. Now the Republicans, now they done (Beeped) the country up to hell!

Off-screen patron:
Sho' did!

Barber:
Nigga, look at Iraq! President over there, killin' black folks,wish they would send me to Iraq. I'd like to tell that motha(Beep)' Bush to kiss my black ass!

Uncle Ruckus:
(angrily gets up from his chair) Now, that's enough, that's enough! Time out negroes, time out! I can't sit here and let y'all bad mouth my president. Did any of y'all niggas hear the president when he said Iraq was central to the global war on terror? Or did y'all miss it because he wasn't speakin' in baboon? Rababab rabbaba ba! Instead of sittin' here and choppin' off the brillo off each other's heads,y'all should take your black asses TO Iraq AND HELP FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!(all the patrons and barbers are stunned and silent)A li'l more off the sides please. (gets kicked out of the barber shop) Damn go-rilla terrorists.

(in BET Torture Lab/Chamber)

White Scientist (laying strapped to gurney wearing only his boxer shorts):
Just what is going on?!! WHY have you kidnapped me?!

Weggie Rudlin:
And now, doctor we will now discuss your methods of DNA testing. (laughs evilly)

White Scientist:
No,PLEASE! NOOO!

(Weggie presses button to turn on ray machine, but after machine starts up, the whole room goes into a power outage).

Weggie Rudlin:
(Beep)! Why does this always happen when we try to use the GODDAMN TORTURE MACHINE?!!Can somebody PLEASE get the power back on so we use the torture machine?!!

Male BET Employee (off-screen) :
I think somebody forgot to pay the bill, Weggie.

Weggie Rudlin:
WILL SOMEONE PAY THE (Beeping) BILL?!!

(in the movie theater while Madea's Next Movie is playing)

Uncle Ruckus:
Will you niggas, PLEASE shut the hell up?!! I'm tryin to watch this piece of (Beep) movie?!!

(ruckus blows the whistle:
) That's a technical foul!