The League, Season 3

Ruxin:
I'm a lawyer getting the Fortune 500 out of trouble But now I'm here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

I'm the best and you're the worst

And if you need any proof, [holds up Shiva's senior picture] this was Kevin's first

Ruxin's number one, it's true, you can't stop him

Meet the rest of my team-Pete Top/Kevin Bottom

Maurice Jones-Drew:
I'm MJD, Ruxin's first pick in the draft

He went with me, and we kicked all your ass

Brent Grimes:
Brent Grimes here with the Falcons D

Keepin' Ruxin winning with my five INTs

Sidney Rice:
I'm Sidney Rice, hip to the IR

Won Ruxin the Shiva with my late-season charge

Team:
We're Ruxin's team, winning every scuffle

And now we're here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

Ruxin's better than you, Pete, hate to burst your bubble

And that's why we're doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

Ruxin:
Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Shivakamini Somakandarkram

Team:
He likes fine wine and risotto with truffles

And now he's doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

He's a league champion with George Clooney stubble

And we're all doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle!

Dirty Randy:
What's my name? My name is Dirty Randy. What do I do? I do this. [Mimes running the camera...] And I do this [Mimes jerking off...], I do this [..."dotting the i's"...]. You know what I don't do? [... and cleaning up] That.

Rafi:
I am day drunk and ready to see my dick.

Ruxin:
Ellie is having a great time with all these hammers and nails, so...

Taco:
And she's killing it on the electric saw. Learned it in five minutes.

Kevin:
Ellie, just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, okay? Wash your hands, please.

Ellie:
No promises!

Ruxin:
Look, I can't have the party at my house, 'cause people will Google Map it, they'll see the swastika, and they'll think I'm having some sort of suburban Kristallnacht.

Kevin:
And whose fault is that?

Ruxin:
I would say Hitler, and really, the Poles. They were the worst of them all.

Ruxin:
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.

Taco:
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.

Pete:
What is Taccot?

Taco:
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.

Kevin:
This is my home.

Taco:
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.

Pete:
Guys, can we take a seat please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.

Taco:
A giant.

Pete:
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.

Ruxin:
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.

Jenny:
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.

Pete:
Okay. I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?

Andre:
Okay. What happened in my apartment during the draft?

Everyone else:
Nothing!

Ruxin:
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?

Everyone else:
No!

Pete:
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.

Ruxin:
Wait-an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.

Taco:
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.

Pete:
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.

Andre:
Huh.

Pete:
Kevin, three quarterbacks.

Kevin:
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.

Taco:
I like kickers. They're the toughest.

Pete:
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.

Ruxin:
I'm not letting go of anyone good-no!

Pete:
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.

Ruxin:
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.

Pete:
I know you do.

Kevin:
Hey, what about me?

Pete:
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.

Jenny:
It's good.

Andre:
It's like useless Good Will Hunting.

Kevin:
It's still not fair.

Pete:
Just wait. Hold on.

Taco:
You just got a great kicker.

Pete:
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?

Everyone else:
All in.

Mrs. Klein:
[on Jenny] So this is your wife?

Ruxin and Jenny:
No.

Ruxin:
My wife...she...came down with something, so...

Jenny:
[under breath] Catholicism?

Pete:
Why'd you screw me? Okay, what happened to the new honest league?

Andre:
You know what? If we're gonna start over, I wanted to be you. I wanted to be the patient zero, for once! Let me be patient zero!

Pete:
That is so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even respond.

Andre:
You want to watch, like, MTV or something?

Ashley:
Oh, that'd be cool.

Andre:
16 and Pregnant marathon.

Ashley:
Oh, my gosh, I love 16 and Pregnant! My friend was on that last week.

Kevin:
[whispering] I need you to teach me how to be a liar.

Ruxin:
[whispering] You don't need to whisper. We're in a law firm. Lying is encouraged here. Look, I am not your guy for this. You need a low-level maintenance liar like Pete. "No, I've never been married before." "Yeah, I definitely own my own home." "No, this isn't a cold sore." I'm the guy who you come to when you're ready to perjure yourself to protect an Australian mining consortium.

Kevin:
Ruxin, you are the best worst person I know.

Ruxin:
Thank you. I am very flattered and insulted by that.

Ruxin:
Baby Geoffrey, forever unclean!

Rafi:
So lots of people didn't go to college! You don't have to constantly throw it in my face!

Pete:
He creepied up in bobbum van, filled with equipmonk for great grief for making out your underneath.

Pete:
[as Bobbum Man, on Taco's tape recorder] Equipmonk sharp, equipmonk dirty, equipmonk make Kevin's bobbum hurty. Bobbum.

Andre:
[on Taco's Myface wall] How'd you get that picture of me in Godspell? That was on my vanity. That's my personal property.

Pete:
Okay, hold on. Couple of questions real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity at, why do you have to call it a vanity?

Andre:
I'm trying to get line-up nirvana by staring at this woman's sex bruises but I'm not getting a thing.

Ruxin:
Hey, can I check your computer real quick? I just want to mess with my lineup a little bit, make a few adjustments before the game starts.

Jenny:
Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win Land.

Ruxin:
Will do, Captain Hooker.

Kevin:
[as Ruxin, on webcam and dressed in judge's robe, bangs a gavel] What is this, Night Court?

Ruxin:
Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.

Pete:
It's the Chosen People's Court.

Ruxin:
Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He's still starting Kenny Britt, who's been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league...

Pete:
Ugh.

Ruxin:
...I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.

Pete:
This is bordering on sincerity.

Ruxin:
And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players-not NHL, CFL, WWE, or Panthro from the ThunderCats-that he shall be kicked out of this league.

Jenny:
What?

Ruxin:
[bangs gavel] I have spoken!

Kevin:
Taco is vital to our league.

Jenny:
He's our heart.

Pete:
Yeah, and he's good for easy wins. All right, we got to put a stop to this.

Jenny:
Shadow government, all in.

Ruxin:
[wrapped in flag and holding the Shiva] Shiva bless America...

Pete, Kevin, Jenny:
[hands in and break] One, two, three...we were never here!

Ruxin:
I know you guys are planning something, so don't. Because I am watching you.

[Jenny quickly closes the laptop]

Kevin:
What the...

Ruxin:
Just be careful of the paint you use.

Kevin:
Why?

Ruxin:
Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly explode.

Pete:
Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?

Ruxin:
Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.

Pete:
And morally, you're good with this?

Ruxin:
There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.

Ellie:
What are you guys doing in my bedroom?

Jenny:
[covering as Kevin zips back up] Oh, hi, sweetie. Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies...

Kevin:
Yes.

Jenny:
...in Daddy's zipper.

Ellie:
What are zipper fairies?

Kevin:
Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and Mommy was just trying to get them all out.

Jenny:
Yeah.

Ellie:
Did you get all the zipper fairies out?

Kevin:
No. No, she did not, sadly.

Andre:
[on Ruxin's topless photo of Sofia] But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?

Ruxin:
For personal use.

Pete:
Oh, no. You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.

Andre:
Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you can actually have sex with.

Ruxin:
What? I'm not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster sucks, so I need some material.

Andre:
That's like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife.

Ellie:
[seeing a silhouette of Jenny unzipping Kevin's pants, caused by an explosion of cheap paint] That's so cool. I love it. Mom, you're checking Dad's zipper for zipper fairies, right?

Kevin:
[off Jenny's look, mortified] She didn't find any. I think they're dead.

Andre:
It's so great that you have your dad with us. That's awesome.

Rupert Ruxin:
Are you part of this group? I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.

Andre:
Andre.

Rupert:
Andre?

Andre:
Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.

Ruxin:
Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."

Andre:
You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.

Rupert:
I'm so sorry. No, I don't recall that.

Kevin:
Hey, I'm Kevin. Remember me?

Rupert:
Look, he still talks like he's seventeen. Sure, I remember you. What have you done with yourself? Let me guess, let me guess. Car salesman? Or, I know, failed inventor.

Kevin:
I'm actually a district attorney.

Rupert:
Really?

Kevin:
Assistant district attorney.

Rupert:
[to Ruxin] You won. You won after all.

Pete:
Oh, wow. Like father, like son. So good to see.

Ruxins:
Hmm.

Pete:
Anyhow, I'm not sure if you ever knew this, but we used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.

Rupert:
I was quite aware. That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.

Andre:
That's why that mescal never tasted the same.

Jenny:
It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.

Kevin:
Who cares about the sorbet?

Jenny:
I care about the sorbet.

Heather Nowzick:
Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.

Taco:
Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.

Kevin:
Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.

Jenny:
That would be amazing.

Taco:
I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.

Kevin:
Oh. I got a seed.

Heather:
That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.

Rupert:
I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.

Kevin:
I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.

Heather:
Sticky.

Ruxin:
I feel like I'm watching my own birth.

Rupert:
[as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.

Andre:
Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?

[Walking in on Rupert having sex with Heather]

Andre:
[to Ruxin] I just saw your dad's vinegar strokes.

Taco:
I saw into his soul. Not good.

Andre:
[writing Ruxin's medical history] So, date of birth?

Ruxin:
You've been at my birthday every year for the last twenty years.

Andre:
Okay. Patient is being hostile. Are you a smoker?

Ruxin:
No.

Andre:
How many drinks would you say you have in a week?

Ruxin:
I have, like, one drink a week.

Andre:
Really? One drink a week?

Ruxin:
One drink a week.

Andre:
All right, do you engage in sexual activity?

Ruxin:
Yep.

Andre:
With multiple partners?

Ruxin:
Only when your mom and sister are in town.

Andre:
I'm not gonna write that down. Have you ever engaged in anal intercourse?

Ruxin:
I refer you to my last answer.

Andre:
Let me just give you a little brief recap here. You are a nonsmoker, light drinker who engages in anal intercourse with my mother and sister.

Ruxin:
Look, Andre, just, please, I just need a couple of painkillers to get me through the week.

Andre:
What do you think we're in, Tijuana here, you can just come in, tell me what you want, and I'll write you a prescription?

Ruxin:
If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey.

Andre:
Not in a doctor's office.

Andre:
[on Ruxin] He's barefoot in the bathroom at Senor Crab's.

Taco:
I know, I just peed all over the floor in there.

Andre:
Why would you pee on the floor?

Taco:
Everybody does.

Jenny:
What are you doing?

Taco:
I'm helping Ellie with her assignment. It's to draw her hero. And for some weird reason, she chose her father. And here's the picture.

Kevin:
What is this? Why am I naked?!

Jenny:
Ellie did not draw that.

Taco:
No, no, no, I helped her with this one.

Jenny:
Taco, she can't bring this into a second grade classroom!

Taco:
I'm sorry the crotchal region is not flattering, but it's accurate.

Jenny:
Taco, the fact that you drew an anatomically correct version of my husband is just wrong!

Kevin:
Well, it's not 100% anatomically correct.

Taco:
I gave you an extra inch because it's about hero worship, right?

Ruxin:
[to Ellie] Your daddy's your hero? You should aim higher, like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.

Kevin:
An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.

Pete:
Maybe you're like Moses, you know-you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.

Andre:
Look at this! Look at this!

Pete:
Holy shit. Interception. Two points.

Kevin:
Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.

Pete:
He's got one guy to beat.

[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]

Jenny:
Oh, my God. You saved me.

Pete:
Kevin, six more points! You won!

Kevin:
I didn't even see the play.

Jenny:
You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.

Kevin:
And I beat you. Suck it!

Jenny:
Oh, I love you did great.

[They kiss and Kevin drops her]

Kevin:
I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!

Ruxin:
[walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?

Jenny:
Ellie's homework.

Kevin:
This is why I wanted a new kid-this one's no good.

Ruxin:
You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!

Kevin:
Ruxin, just look at what I drew up-you'll see that there was no difference in either way!

Ruxin:
I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!

[Ruxin on the ground after having a stroke]

Taco:
I think we're supposed to pee on him!

Jenny:
That's jellyfish you idiot!

Taco:
It might not help, but it can't hurt.

Taco:
Having a near death experience has really changed the way I see things.

Jenny:
Ruxin had the stroke, not you, Taco.

Taco:
I was right next to him. I was near death.

Ruxin:
[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on-left this world for a better place.

Jenny:
Is it hot there?

Kevin:
Shh.

Ruxin:
My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...

Andre:
Me?

Ruxin:
No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.

Andre:
What?

Ruxin:
Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.

Pete:
It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.

Ruxin:
Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl-I took it.

Pete:
What?!

Ruxin:
I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.

Pete:
Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.

Ruxin:
To Jenny-honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.

Taco:
100% agree.

Sofia:
Yeah.

Ruxin:
Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.

Jenny:
What?

Andre:
He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...

Ruxin:
Andre, the shit just got really real.

Andre:
Okay.

Ruxin:
And you better not f*** this up.

Pete:
No pressure, buddy.

Ruxin:
This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!

Andre:
You know nothing about fantasy football.

Rafi:
Sure, I do. I just don't understand why you won't let me draft the players I want to play. It's fantasy football, so the Hulk should be able to be on the team.

Rafi:
Do you still have those butt plugs with Bert and Ernie's face on them?

Kevin:
Those are my daughter's tubby toys.

Rafi:
She should not play with those. Those should be burned.

Ruxin:
None of this counts. This whole season arrived in a clown car of lies, and it never happened! Ruxin still reigns as champion, and Andre still has the Sacko!

Kevin:
I have got to win the Shiva, because if I don't win the Shiva, then I don't win the bet!

Jenny:
Hey, babe. You won the bet.

Kevin:
Huh?

Jenny:
I'm pregnant.

Kevin:
Wait, just because I won?

Jenny:
No, I found out a couple days ago.

Kevin:
We're gonna have another baby?

Jenny:
Yeah.

Rafi:
Are you sure it's not my baby? I did jerk off in your underwear drawer.

Ruxin:
Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire!

Ruxin:
Sundays are my Sabbath! And Mondays and Thursdays and Saturdays in December!