[Hacker is in his new office with Principal Private Secretary Bernard Woolley]
Bernard:
A sherry Minister?
Hacker:
Jim.
Bernard:
Oh, gin.
Hacker:
No, no, Jim, Jim. Call me Jim.
Bernard:
Oh. Oh, well I think it was all the same to you. I would prefer to call you Minister, Minister.
Hacker:
Minister, Minister? Oh quite, quite. I see what you mean. Does that mean I have to call you Private Secretary, Private Secretary?
Bernard:
No, do call me Bernard.
Hacker:
Thank you, Bernard. (Bernard gives him a glass)
Bernard:
You're most welcome, Minister.
Hacker:
Cheers, Bernard.
Bernard:
Your health, Minister.
Hacker:
Well what now?
[Sir Humphrey Appleby enters the office]
Bernard:
Ah, Minister, allow me to present Sir Humphrey Appleby, Permanent Under Secretary of State and Head of the D.A.A..
Hacker:
Hello, Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey:
Hello, and welcome. (Shakes hands with Minister Hacker)
Hacker:
Thank you, Sir Humphrey.
Bernard:
I believe you know each other.
Sir Humphrey:
Yes, we did cross swords when the minister gave me a grilling over the estimates in the Public Accounts Committee.
Hacker:
I wouldn't say that.
Sir Humphrey:
You came up with all the questions I hoped nobody would ask.
Hacker:
Opposition's about asking awkward questions.
Sir Humphrey:
And Government is about not answering them.
Hacker:
Well, you answered all mine anyway.
Sir Humphrey:
I'm glad you thought so, Minister. (Bernard gives him a glass) And Good luck.
Hacker:
Now who else is in this department?
Sir Humphrey:
Well briefly, sir, I am the Permanent Under Secretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Woolley here is your Principal Private Secretary. I, too, have a Principal Private Secretary, and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, 87 Under Secretaries and 219 Assistant Secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretaries are plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Under-Secretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.
Hacker:
Can they all type?
Sir Humphrey:
None of us can type, Minister. Mrs Mackay types: she's the secretary.
Minister:
Pity, we could have opened an agency.
Sir Humphrey:
Very droll, Minister.
Bernard:
Very, very amusing, sir.
Hacker:
I suppose they all say that, do they?
Sir Humphrey:
Certainly not, Minister. Not quite all...
Hacker:
Right, now then, to business. Now you'll have to forgive me if I'm a bit blunt, but that's the sort of chap I am. Frankly, this depart... (Sits on a brown leather swivel chair) Don't care for this chair very much.
Bernard:
We can change it, Minister.
Hacker:
Can you?
Bernard:
We can change anything, Minister. The furniture, decor, office routine - Your wish is our command.
Hacker:
In that case, I'd like a new chair. I hate swivel chairs.
Bernard:
It used to be said there were two kinds of chairs to go with two kinds of Minister: one sort folds up instantly; the other sort goes round and round in circles.
Hacker:
Now then, gentlemen, frankly this Department has got to cut a great swathe through all this stuffy Whitehall bureaucracy. We want a new broom. We're going to throw open the windows, let in a bit of fresh air, cut through all the red tape, streamline this creaking old bureaucratic machine.
Sir Humphrey:
You mean a clean sweep, Minister?
Hacker:
That's it. A clean sweep. Far too many people just sitting behind desks. (Admires his desk) Not like us, of course. But we've got to get rid of all those people just making work for each other.
Bernard:
Get rid of them?
Sir Humphrey:
I think you mean "Redeploy them", Minister.
Hacker:
Yes. Good Lord no, I don't mean put them out of work. No, no. Open Government, that's what my party believes in, that was the main plank of our manifesto. Taking the nation into our confidence. Now how does that strike you? Do sit down.
Sir Humphrey:
May I? In fact, just as you said in the House on May 2nd last year, and again on November 23rd, and in your Observer article and in your Daily Mail interview, and as your manifesto made clear.
Hacker:
You know about that?
Sir Humphrey:
I'd like to have a look at these proposals, Minister. They outline the ways in which this policy could be implemented, and contain draft proposals for a white paper for your approval. We thought the white paper might be called "Open Government".
Hacker:
You mean it's all been...
Sir Humphrey:
It's all been taken care of, Minister.
Hacker:
Who did all this?
Sir Humphrey:
The creaking old bureaucratic machine. No, quite seriously. We are fully seized of the need for reform and we have taken it on board.
Hacker:
Must say, I'm rather surprised. I expected to have to fight you all way along the line with this.
Sir Humphrey:
People do have funny ideas about the Civil Service. We're just here to help you formulate and implement your policies.
Hacker:
(Reading the piece of paper) "Proposals for shortening approval procedures in planning appeals"?
Sir Humphrey:
Hansard Volume 497, page 1102, Column B. Quote "Mr. Hacker: Is the Minister aware that planning procedures make building a bungalow in the 20th century slower than building a cathedral in the 12th century? Opposition laughter and Government cries of shame".
Hacker:
Well they didn't actually cry shame.
Sir Humphrey:
Quite so, Minister.
