[as Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate]
Centurion:
Hail Caesar!
Pontius Pilate:
Hail.
Centurion:
Only one survivor, sir.
Pontius Pilate:
Ah. Thwow him to the floow.
Centurion:
What, sir?
Pontius Pilate:
Thwow him... to the floow.
[the lead centurion nods to the others who are carrying Brian, so they will throw him to the floor according to Pilate's orders]
Pontius Pilate:
Now... What is youw name, Jew?
Brian:
Brian, sir.
Pontius Pilate:
Bwian, eh?
Brian:
No no, Brian. [the lead centurion slaps him] Ow!
Pontius Pilate:
Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Centurion:
Has what, sir?
Pontius Pilate:
Spiwit.
Centurion:
Yes, he did, sir.
Pontius Pilate:
[confused] No no, spiwit's, um... Bwavado... A touch of dawing-do...
Centurion:
Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian]
Pontius Pilate:
So... You dawe to waid us?
Brian:
To what, sir?
Pontius Pilate:
Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
Centurion:
[slaps Brian again; then, mocking Pilate's Rhotacism] Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow, sir?
Pontius Pilate:
What?
Centurion:
Thwow him to the floow again, sir?
Pontius Pilate:
Oh yes, thwow him to the floow, please. [the centurions do so] Now, Jewish wapscallion...
Brian:
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
Pontius Pilate:
A Woman?
Brian:
No no, Roman. [the lead centurion slaps him one more time]
Pontius Pilate:
So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?
Brian:
He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons.
Pontius Pilate:
Weally? What was his name?
Brian:
Naughtius Maximus. [the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused]
Pontius Pilate:
Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?
Centurion:
Well, no sir.
Pontius Pilate:
Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?
Centurion:
Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [someone snickers in the background]
Pontius Pilate:
...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Centurion:
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate:
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!
Brian:
Can I go now, sir? [the lead centurion slaps him once more]
Pontius Pilate:
Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore] Wight! Take him away!
Centurion:
Oh, sir, he...
Pontius Pilate:
No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week!
Centurion:
Yes, sir. Come on, you. [leads the laughing centurion out]
Pontius Pilate:
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! [turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... [Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh] Biggus... Dickus? [Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing] What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy, webel, sniggewing behaviouw! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds! [notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!
