Wikidude's Quotes Page #86

Here's the list of quotes submitted by wikidude  —  There are currently 140,397 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Lindsay:
[outside a women's health center] So then I heated up the condom in the microwave and I got a turkey baster.

Protester:
Wait, I need you to back up.

Lindsay:
Okay, so I wanted a popsicle...

Gretchen:
Lindsay, do not let those pro-life assholes talk you out of your legal right!

Lindsay:
It's okay. I was already having second thoughts before this nice lady came over.

Gretchen:
What, why?

Lindsay:
If Paul and I get divorced, I'm not gonna have a family anymore. Family. Name one family that's just one person.

Gretchen:
Suddenly Susan. Listen, I know that becoming a real human being is a scary thing, but I'll help you. I got your back always.

Lindsay:
Thanks, Gretch. All right. I'm ready.

Gretchen:
Bam, nice try, terrorists. Another victory for women's rights.

Protester:
Actually, I was gonna tell her to do it. In my book, there are extenuating circumstances--rape, incest, and whatever this is.

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jimmy:
I did what you said. I looked at my life from an outside perspective.

Gretchen:
Yeah. Doesn't it feel great?

Jimmy:
No, it was terrifying. I didn't recognize any of it.

Gretchen:
What?

Jimmy:
I don't recognize my life. I don't know whether I made any of the right decisions. Everything could be wrong.

Gretchen:
Everything?

[Gretchen points at herself]

Jimmy:
Everything.

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jimmy:
I am allowed to reassess my life. You have no say in it.

Gretchen:
So I'm just supposed to wait around until you think I'm worthy of being your girlfriend? That's bullshit, dude. Just tell me one of the things on your list.

Jimmy:
Okay, fine. But only if you tell me one of yours.

Gretchen:
Fine.

Jimmy:
[pulls out list] Okay. "I can't see having kids with her." Your turn.

Gretchen:
I'm afraid you'll never be successful.

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jimmy:
Last night, you said that I would never be successful. Well, I stayed up all night and wrote 35 amazing pages just to spite you. So, ha! Consider yourself thoroughly spited. Ha!

Gretchen:
Cool. Okay, I take back the thing I said. You will be successful.

Jimmy:
Thank you!

Gretchen:
Now it's your turn.

Jimmy:
I'm proud of me, too.

Gretchen:
No, Jimmy! It's your turn to take back the mega-harsh thing you said to me. And then, voila, everything goes back to Normal Town, et cetera, et cetera... a little makeup boneage. Maybe some titty massages for Jimmy.

Jimmy:
Wait, what exactly am I meant to take back?

Gretchen:
[imitating]: "I can't see myself having kids with her."

Jimmy:
Oh, that. No, I'm 100% sticking by that. Hey, can we do this titty massage on the patio? I just want to keep an eye on the hummingbird feeder.

Gretchen:
Jimmy!

Jimmy:
You have dropped eight iPhones in the last year, one into a vat of ranch at Souplantation. Child-rearing requires skill. It's not the same as binge-watching a season of Exemplify.

Gretchen:
Oh, my God, that is so sexist and mansplainy! You a Gamergater? Am I living with a Gamergater?

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jimmy:
Sometimes I look at you and I think, "How did this person get in my house?" It's like I've lost the thread of a novel, and all of a sudden, there's this messy short woman who's clearly important to the story. So, I'm flipping back, thinking, "I don't remember that character being introduced."

Gretchen:
Tell me about it! Some days it's like I un-blacked out from a week-long bender, and now I'm in this weird-ass house with sharp corners.

Jimmy:
My mate was supposed to be so different. Classy, unbruised, a first-chair violinist for the Philharmonic. God, can you imagine it? Me in the wings of Disney Hall. And we wave good-bye to the other musicians, and I joke about what a drag it must be for Igor to haul that double bass home. And then Dudamel does a champagne spit-take and shakes his head at me like, "Oh, Jimmy, you are too much."

Gretchen:
How am I not arm candy for some international movie star with a giant dong? He's part owner of a cool tech company and invents apps when he's not dick-punching Peter Sarsgaard in his latest movie. Sometimes we talk about adopting a kid from a third-world country, but we never do it. And we live in a legit-ass castle in Malibu with one of those big modern art pieces by the guy who does the big dots.

Jimmy:
What? Lichtenstein?

Gretchen:
Yeah. A big old Lichtenstein.

Jimmy:
Wow. How very sophomore year art history of you. You definitely shouldn't decorate your own house.

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jimmy:
Dorothy's crying. It's very mucous-y.

Gretchen:
Lindsay's just reciting the spoken word parts of Lemonade.

Jimmy:
Such idiots.

Gretchen:
We're no better than them.

Jimmy:
Oh, speak for yourself. I'm not the one who flung my sandwich like a upset chimp at the zoo.

Gretchen:
I threw it because I realized I was living with an uptight dildo whose personality unmakes itself anytime something bad happens.

Jimmy:
Says the woman who spent weeks catatonic on the couch in crusty yoga pants.

Gretchen:
I have a clinical goddamn illness!

Jimmy:
Oh, right. So you just win because your condition is listed in the DSM?

Gretchen:
No! I win because I am doing something about it. You're just lashing out and putting me under a microscope!

Jimmy:
It just happened! He just died. Right, I am still grieving, Gretchen. Jesus Christ!

Gretchen:
But I was there first!

Jimmy:
Where?!

Gretchen:
Here! In shit, miserable! There just isn't room for you to be broken right now, too.

Jimmy:
Oh, that... that is complete... How is that okay?

Gretchen:
It's not. It is completely unfair.

Jimmy:
No. This is not supposed to... One person is supposed to be in the hospital bed. And then the other uncomfortably sleeping on that little couch, just sneaking home to shower and... and walk the dog.

Gretchen:
Right? Right, Jimmy. And yet...

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Both looking at a picture of Vernon and Becca's newborn baby]

Gretchen:
It looks like the fox in the Nine Inch Nails video that's being eaten by ants.

Jimmy:
It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady in an Aphex Twin video.

Gretchen:
Why is its face so swollen? Did Becca give birth directly over a beehive?

Jimmy:
Even at an illegal baby mill, they'd be like, "Yeah, that's okay. We're good."

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jimmy:
The world is absolutely lousy with people, and I hate them all. I hate everyone but you.

Gretchen:
Yeah. I hate everyone else, too. Now, let's look for clues.

Jimmy:
You did something really horrible for us. You went to therapy, and for me you did this. And thus, you deserve as grand a gesture in return. And since I am 100% psychologically sound and do not need therapy of any kind...[kneels and pulls out a ring] Gretchen, extraordinary, confounding Gretchen, she who emits more energy than a dying galaxy, despite not washing her legs, together we transcend the mundanity down there. Separate, it shall eventually consume us and turn us as mundane as them, and to allow that to happen simply because we were scared would be a criminal act.

Gretchen:
Wait, but the murder?

Jimmy:
I made it up.

Gretchen:
The article? The Twitter account?

Jimmy:
Me.

Gretchen:
The DUI checkpoint?

Jimmy:
Oh, no. That was real. No, we were way lucky on that one.

[Gretchen kisses Jimmy]

Gretchen:
Jimmy, yeah... Wait. You haven't actually asked yet. I am not doing that again.

Jimmy:
Will you marry me?

Gretchen:
Yes! [Jimmy puts the ring on her finger] You made a murder for me! Hey, uh, you ever boned down during the Hollywood Bowl fireworks?

Jimmy:
I mean, of course.

Gretchen:
Yeah, me, too, but not as an engaged person.

Jimmy:
I'll get us a hoodie from the car to lie on.

Gretchen:
Hurry back. This fits, you know? You lost your dad, but you gained me. We're a family. [Jimmy's smile fades] That's pretty cool, right? We're no longer just whatever we were. We're no longer just us. We're a family now.

[Jimmy takes a hoodie out of the car, then gets inside and drives away]

You're the Worst, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Edgar:
Maybe she’s not texting you because she knows the only reason you’re checking in is to make yourself feel better. Yeah, maybe Gretchen wants to get on with her life and never think about you again. Maybe she thought you were dead, Jimmy. Checking tips on the hotline, coming home night after night to an empty house with only your scent on your pillow to cling to for comfort, until it too faded away and she was left all alone with nobody to make breakfast ramen for, alone with nothing but her scentless pillows and haunted thoughts of all the friends she lost in the war.

You're the Worst, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jimmy:
You know, I almost texted Gretchen again earlier.

Edgar:
Jimmy!

Jimmy:
No, I didn't do it. I wrote about a hundred drafts, but couldn't get it right. Probably for the best, you know. Out of sight, out of...

[Gretchen bursts into the house, running and stopping abruptly upon seeing Jimmy, who stands up. She slowly steps up to where she is standing over him.]

Gretchen:
HEY! DOT DOT DOT!

You're the Worst, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Omi:
Well, too prove myself worthy of being your leader. I must solve of your elemental Shen Gong Wu.

Raimundo:
You did what!?

Master Fung:
Omi, that was most unwised. So much un-restrength power could lead to great dangers.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hannibal Roy Bean:
I hate to rain on your parade snowball, but I do not think so!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Master Fung:
Hannibal together with Wuya could mean the end of the world..

Raimundo:
Where have I heard the before? Oh yeah! "PREVIOUSLY ON XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN"!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Kimiko then shows Jack Spicer a video on her laptop]

Omi (imitating Wuya):
Do not underestimate Jack Spicer. Those bubble-bots are genius.

Clay (imitating Chase Young):
Spicer has taken his martial arts skills to a new level.

Raimundo:
[offscreen] Dojo, get out of that shot!

Kimiko (imitating Hannibal Roy Bean):
He is truly evil incoming.

Jack Spicer:
Yes! It is time to make my move. Dark Prince Jack-o is back on top-o!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer):
I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown Trio!

Hannibal Roy Bean:
I'll wager my Moby Morpher against your Conch and Chase's Serpent's Tail.

Chase Young:
I will fight without Shen Gong Wu.

Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer):
The game is Last To Drop Wins. [in unison with Hannibal and Chase] Let's go, Xiaolin Showdown!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer):
Mind Reader Conch!

Chase Young:
I locked away that foolish vegetable once, I'll do it again

Hannibal Roy Bean:
You cross the wrong Bean, when you cross Hannibal Roy Bean! [Throws a big chunk of rock]

Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer):
Mind Reader Conch!

Hannibal Roy Bean:
That Chase has girly hair, a real warrior shaves his head like me.

Chase Young:
Hah! You could pour fertilizer on your head and nothing would grow! [smirking]

Hannibal Roy Bean:
ERRRRR! MOBY MORPHER!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Raimundo:
[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)] Yeah, you go girl-[shocked] boy.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Chase Young:
[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)] You surprised me, Spicer. I'm rarely surprised, but never fooled. [Sniffs] By the way, love the perfume.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hannibal Bean:
I see you've brought your kittens to do your fighting.

Chase Young:
[Referring to Wuya] And I see you've brought my housekeeper to do yours.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Dojo:
I have TENS all around!

Omi:
I suppose beating Jack in the most colorful manner is the tie-breaker!

[all grin evilly at Jack as they converge on him]

Jack:
No, no! You can't! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU?! [screaming as they attacking on him]

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Raimundo:
You know, if it weren't for Chase, we'd be so much further along in our fight against evil.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Kimiko:
Jack Spicer, you’re like so not getting this Wu!

Jack:
"Jack Spicer, you’re so like not getting this Wu!" Wrong! Meet my new Fishbots.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Dojo:
Great morning, young monks and the pitiful in need of assistance.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Kimiko:
Wait, you know each other?

Dojo:
[to Chucky] You no good, yo-yo thief!

[Chucky Choo screams as Dojo tackles him]

Omi:
I guess...will be yes.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 3  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

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