Corner Gas

[repeated line]

Oscar Leroy:
Hey, jackass!

[repeated line]

Oscar Leroy:
Holy Hell!

[repeated line]

Davis Quinton:
[childish tone] All right!

Brent LeRoy:
Dad look, you're gonna be around for a long time.

Oscar Leroy:
How can you be so sure?

Brent LeRoy:
Because, I've angered the Karma Gods, and you're my punishment.

Emma Leroy:
You're going to the doctor.

Oscar Leroy:
Over my dead body!

Emma Leroy:
That'd speed things up.

Karen Pelly:
Sir, do you know how fast you were going back there?

Stephen:
Uh... ninety seven?

Karen Pelly:
That's a relief, radar gun's workin'. Thanks for your co-operation.

[Lacey's ex-fianc? is in town and Hank is trying to scare him away]

Hank Yarbo:
I know what will scare off Kolchak. We'll pretend there's a lottery and the loser gets stoned to death.

Wanda Dollard:
I can't believe you read that story.

Hank Yarbo:
What story?

Davis:
[referring to their Billy clubs] Meet my friend Billy.

Karen Pelly:
And this is my friend Jennifer!

Davis:
Proper billy-club use Karen, that's the secret. I find it helps if you give your billy-club a name. You know what I call mine?

Karen Pelly:
Billy?

Davis:
Anyways, a billy-club is a cop's best friend.

Karen Pelly:
I thought you said a gun was a cop's best friend.

Davis:
Well, a gun is more like a cop's lover. There's some things you tell your gun that you'd never tell a lover. And sometimes your lover and your best friend don't get along. Or maybe you go out with one and the other gets mad at you 'cause you didn't go out with it!

Karen Pelly:
You're divorced right?

Oscar Leroy:
A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's going to get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town will be talking about how I can't...

Brent LeRoy:
Dad!

Emma Leroy:
What's he talking about?

Brent LeRoy:
Viagra.

Emma Leroy:
Oh, for Pete's sake... well if you're going there anyway, you may as well ask.

Brent LeRoy:
Ah, Mom!

Hank Yarbo:
[about Stephen] Let him know that we know, you know?

Wanda Dollard:
No.

Hank Yarbo:
[while posing as Lacey's boyfriend] Lacey, honey, how are you? [he kisses her, she shoves him away] Do you want to introduce me?

Lacey Burrows:
Yeah, to toothpaste.

Hank Yarbo:
[laughs] So this is your ex-fianc?, the one that let you get away?

Lacey Burrows:
This is Hank and, er, he's posing as my boyfriend, because... well... he's an idiot.

Lacey Burrows:
[following Karen out of the Ruby] Karen! You walked out without paying for your muffin.

Karen Pelly:
Oh, sorry!

Fitzy:
[from off-screen] Hey, it's the muffin stealing cop!

Karen Pelly:
[whipping around] Who said that? [cut to where Fitzy's standing next to a boy. They both point at each other]

Fitzy:
I said it.

Oscar Leroy:
[coming out of Corner Gas with Emma] What's going on?

Fitzy:
Karen stole a muffin.

Oscar Leroy:
Ooh!

Karen Pelly:
I did not!

Lacey Burrows:
It's no big deal. I stopped her before she got away.

Karen Pelly:
Got away? I just forgot!

Oscar Leroy:
Right. I just forgot to pay my taxes.

Emma Leroy:
I paid them.

Oscar Leroy:
What did you do that for?

Karen Pelly:
Look, I'm paying for the muffin now. It's no big deal.

Lacey Burrows:
It could happen to anybody.

Karen Pelly:
Has it?

Lacey Burrows:
No.

Oscar Leroy:
[about Brent] He's always over here, mooching. Drinking our drinks, fooding our food.

Emma Leroy:
Fooding?

Oscar Leroy:
Eating our eats.

Davis Quinton:
I've done my bit. I've kept her name out of the paper. [cut to the Howler with the headline 'Unnamed Cop in Muffin Scandal', which has a photo of Karen under it]

Davis Quinton:
Hey, Lacey?

Lacey Burrows:
Yes, Davis?

Davis Quinton:
You forgot to pay a ticket.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh right, I forgot to pay a ticket. How embarrassing.

Davis Quinton:
A ticket for public indecency. [everyone in the Ruby looks up]

Karen Pelly:
Now we're getting somewhere!

Lacey Burrows:
No, no, I think you mean a parking ticket.

Davis Quinton:
No. You flashed Old Man Caruthers.

Old Man Caruthers:
[to Lacey] You flashed me? Oh, I wish I could remember that.

Brent Leroy:
[to Hank and Wanda, who are trying to crack the password on Hank's laptop] Mind if I try?

Wanda Dollard:
You? [laughs] Look, if I can't figure it...

Brent Leroy:
And I'm in.

Wanda Dollard:
What? What is it?

Brent Leroy:
Your pet's name.

Hank Yarbo:
Wiggles? We tried that.

Brent Leroy:
No, literally the words 'your pets name'.

Wanda Dollard:
I have to admit, I was not prepared for that level of stupidity. How did you crack it?

Brent Leroy:
I just had to think like a Hank who was trying to outsmart a Wanda. [Wanda and Hank look at him before nodding slowly] Plus, I was standing beside Hank when he typed it in.

Fitzy:
We gotta fight fire with fire.

Davis:
But that's how we lost train station!

Fitzy:
My plan to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist came here accidentally.

Oscar Leroy:
I'm a senior!

Hank Yarbo:
You can't leave me out here stranded! It's like 10 miles to town!

Davis:
It's your house. You'll live.

Hank Yarbo:
But all I've got to eat here is pickles and pop rocks.

Davis:
You'll probably live.

Oscar Leroy:
I really liked the ATM, until Emma came. What good has she ever brought me?

Lacey Burrows:
What about Brent?

Oscar Leroy:
I guess.

Brent Leroy:
Love you too, Dad. Give us a hug. [hugs Oscar]

Oscar Leroy:
Don't you touch me!

Fitzy:
My campaign to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist has come here, accidentally.

Wanda Dollard:
If he came here accidentally, what does that have to do with your campaign?

Fitzy:
Eh, you can't argue with results.

Wanda Dollard:
Don't tell me what I can't argue with.

Hank Yarbo:
I could save up and buy a Lamborghini.

Wanda Dollard:
You have to save up to buy linguini. You can't afford that magazine... I should have said "magazini". "Linguini", then "magazini". Oh, that would've been great! Could we do it again?

Brent LeRoy:
No. Look, Hank, if you want to shoot for the moon, you go ahead.

Hank Yarbo:
All I want is a sports car. Let's not get carried away with the space travel, huh?

Wanda Dollard:
You'll never have a Lamborghini, you weenie, because your brain is teeny.

Brent LeRoy:
The moment's gone now.

Karen Pelly:
[to Emma and Brent] First of all, as chair of the play park fundraising committee, I'd like to thank you both for volunteering.

Emma Leroy:
This is a sham. I should be chair. I've always been chair.

Karen Pelly:
This year I'm chair. They wanted to shake things up a bit.

Emma Leroy:
I'm twice the chair that you are! I'm almost a couch!

Oscar Leroy:
Why can't I have a ride in your truck? Clint Eastwood had a monkey in his truck.

Tiny Joe:
Real truckers don't have monkeys, friend, not in the cab. They could be transporting monkeys, but, well, even that's a little farfetched.

Oscar Leroy:
Just one ride. I'll be quiet. Quieter than a monkey!

Tiny Joe:
Only truckers and clients allowed in the cab.

Oscar Leroy:
So are you saying Clint Eastwood worked for a monkey?

Wanda Dollard:
[Wanda and Hank arrive at a barbecue for Lamborghini owners] Are you saying that we're supposed to own Lamborghinis?

Hank Yarbo:
If you want to soar with the eagles, you gotta pretend to be one.

Wanda Dollard:
So you're dragging me into a potentially embarrassing web of lies?

Hank Yarbo:
Relax. There'll be food.

Wanda Dollard:
[Wanda trolls for a husband at the barbecue] A surgeon, huh? Wow! Your, uh, wife must be really proud.

Lamborghini Owner #1:
I'm divorced.

Wanda Dollard:
Really?

Lamborghini Owner #1:
She took every cent I had.

Wanda Dollard:
I was told there'd be food.

Hank Yarbo:
[about bluffing their way through the Lamborghini barbecue] We make a pretty good team.

Wanda Dollard:
I make a pretty good team. You choke like Tennessee Williams on a bottle cap.

Hank Yarbo:
Don't tell me you're still upset at me because I told a bunch of people about a Lamborghini you don't have and now they're coming here to see it. Oh. Actually, now that I said that out loud, it does sound kind of bad.

Wanda Dollard:
We should just go. We should leave town and not be here when they get here... Could you forget I said "we"?

Lamborghini Owner #2:
[Wanda and Hank take Lamborghini Owner #2 to see Wanda's "Lamborghini", i.e. something covered up by a tarpaulin] I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that's not a Lamborghini.

Wanda Dollard:
You know, sometimes things start out innocently and then just spin out of control.

Hank Yarbo:
You want to see a Lamborghini? I'll show you a Lamborghini. [He pulls aside the tarpaulin]

Wanda Dollard:
HOLY CRAP! A LAMBORGHINI! [Lamborghini Owner #2 stares at her] It just always impresses me when I see it!

Karen Pelly:
[the town confronts Emma, Brent, and Karen over their lying about the number of jelly beans in the fundraising committee's jelly bean jar contest] You wanted a job done and we did it. And, yes, it was dirty and ugly, but that's how things get done in the charity world. You need people like us!

Davis Quinton:
Hey, Brent, who's your favourite football team?

Brent Leroy:
The Riders. Duh.

Davis Quinton:
No, not Canadian football.

Brent Leroy:
Oh, then the Minnesota Vikings.

Davis Quinton:
No, out on the pitch!

Brent Leroy:
What do you mean? Soccer?

Davis Quinton:
Yeah.

Brent Leroy:
Well, then, it's a tie between the Manchester I-Don't-Give-a-Craps and the London Not-a-Real-Sports.

Davis Quinton:
Hey, come to watch the match, did you? Thanks for donating the footballs, by the way.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, well, it's the least I could do for our soccer team... give them some soccer balls... to play soccer with.

Davis Quinton:
The, uh, proper term is football. I think it's best for the kids to hear some of the British terminology.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh. Hey, what's the British term for someone who uses stupid British terms?

Davis Quinton:
Wanker.

Lacey Burrows:
Good to know.

Wanda Dollard:
[impersonating Winston Churchill] I always thought Hitler was a bit of a tool.

[Oscar and Emma mock Wanda for videotaping herself in a fake newscast]

Emma Leroy:
[at Corner Gas] Beautiful day, isn't it?

Wanda Dollard:
[packing Emma's groceries] Yeah.

Emma Leroy:
Partly cloudy, slight chance of showers.

Wanda Dollard:
Thanks for the report. Is this everything?

Emma Leroy:
Uh, no. Here's Oscar with the spaghetti sauce. Over to you, Oscar.

Oscar Leroy:
Thanks, Emma. Coming up later, we'll be making spaghetti.

Lacey Burrows:
[at a soccer match] Hey, Davis, I think we need to take Peter out.

Davis Quinton:
But he looks like he's having fun out there.

Lacey Burrows:
Well, we need someone faster. Take him out.

Davis Quinton:
Fine. Peter! [He motions Peter "in" to the sidelines]

Brent Leroy:
Don't listen to her, Davis. I'll back you. Leave him in.

Davis Quinton:
Peter! Stay out there!

Lacey Burrows:
I said pull him out.

Davis Quinton:
Peter! In!

Brent Leroy:
Leave him in, Davis.

Davis Quinton:
[to Peter] Out!

Lacey Burrows:
Peter needs to come out.

Davis Quinton:
[to Peter] In!

Brent Leroy:
He's the captain. He needs to stay in.

Davis Quinton:
[to Peter] Out!

Lacey Burrows:
[to Davis] Out!

Davis Quinton:
[to Peter] In!

Brent Leroy:
[after Davis agrees that both he and Lacey can be sponsors for the new soccer team] Well, that's it then, blokes. Let's celebrate with some bangers and mash and ring up our mobiles, or my name isn't Sir Aluminium Boot-Bonnet.

Davis Quinton:
[to Lacey] Is he having a laugh?

Lacey Burrows:
Or some kind of seizure.

Karen Pelly:
[in the police car with Hank, who starts clinging to the car door] What?

Hank Yarbo:
Ah, nothing. I just think you're going a little fast, that's all.

Karen Pelly:
I'm a cop. I get to go fast. Besides, this isn't even fast.

Hank Yarbo:
It's not?

Karen Pelly:
No. I'll show you fast. [puts her foot down]

Hank Yarbo:
[cut to the police car smoking in a ditch] How fast are we going now?

Karen Pelly:
Shut up.

Brent Leroy:
[watching the soccer game with Lacey after being dumped as a sponsor] The coach is a winker!

Lacey Burrows:
It's wanker.

Brent Leroy:
Oh. Well, I don't speak English.

Davis Quinton:
Now I've got double the workload.

Karen Pelly:
Wow, two naps a day.

Emma Leroy:
[when they're looking for someone new to call bingo] Wanda, why don't you call? You have such a beautiful voice.

Wanda Dollard:
Really? At karaoke night, you threw a shoe at me.

Emma Leroy:
My feet were tired.

Emma Leroy:
I can't rely on luck. I have to be proactive.

Oscar Leroy:
That, or you could do something about it yourself.

Karen Pelly:
We know what biscotti is, Lacey.

Oscar Leroy:
It's just a little 1995, don't you think?

Lacey Burrows:
Oh.

Brent Leroy:
Is my dad hipper than you?

Brent LeRoy:
[playing with Hank's Lego model of the post office] Aah! It's Handzilla and he's wearing a watch! That's 'cause it's time to kick your house down!

Brent LeRoy:
Well, if all the good stuff's been done, that kinda leaves your niche wide open.

Hank Yarbo:
Yeah. Thanks Brent! Always there to pick me up!

Oscar Leroy:
[to Wanda about a party for her birthday] Don't hold your breath.

Brent LeRoy:
Yeah, that's Karen's thing.

Emma Leroy:
If people make a fuss over you, it just shows they care.

Wanda Dollard:
That's sweet of you.

Emma Leroy:
Oh, I don't care, but others might.

Brent LeRoy:
Me, organise? I had my shoes on the wrong feet til noon.

Hank Yarbo:
[writing on his blog] Hello, people on the Internet. Welcome to my musings: "Hank Talkin'". Yes, you read right: I spell "talkin'" with no G. That is because I have attitude.

Karen Pelly:
Davis is telling me he doesn't like doing his taxes... if you can wrap your head around that.

Wanda Dollard:
Are you nuts? Tax time is great!

Davis Quinton:
Really?

Wanda Dollard:
It's a challenge. It's you versus the Man, moving your money around, hiding your pennies. It's like a financial shell game. I look forward to it.

Karen Pelly:
You make it sound like Christmas.

Wanda Dollard:
Tax time kicks the crap out of Christmas.

Davis Quinton:
Bah! Humbug!

[Lacey, depressed at losing at horseshoes to Oscar, serves Wanda French fries]

Wanda Dollard:
These are still frozen.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, yeah. I thought they might be. Then I thought of the infinite blackness of space. No matter what you do, it'll always be cold.

[Lacey mopes in front of the Ruby Cafe]

Hank Yarbo:
[voice-over; writing on his blog] I could see my friend was feeling down, so I decided to cheer her up. A wise man said it takes less muscles to make a smile than it does to frown. [Hank sits down beside her]

Hank Yarbo:
Still feeling blue just because you haven't accomplished anything with your life?

Lacey Burrows:
[smiles ironically] Well, that is a nice thing for you to say, Hank.

Hank Yarbo:
You know, I used to worry too. Then I realized, "Why worry?" And look at me now.

Lacey Burrows:
That's your advice? "Why worry?"

Hank Yarbo:
And look at me now.

Lacey Burrows:
So I should resign myself to failure? Boy, I feel super! [She stomps off]

Hank Yarbo:
[voice-over, writing on his blog] Of course, it also takes less muscles to smile meanly in a sarcastic way.

[Oscar hesitates over letting Lacey win at horseshoes]

Wanda Dollard:
Take the dive, Leroy! You hear me? You're going down and you're going down hard! You're taking the fall for Thursby!

Emma Leroy:
Who's Thursby?

Wanda Dollard:
I was getting a little worked up.

Emma Leroy:
What the heck's a blog?

Brent Leroy:
Well, it's an on...

Oscar Leroy:
We just got Hank to shut up, don't you start!

Lacey Burrows:
I thought I was pretty good at horseshoes.

Oscar Leroy:
Well, just remember... you're not.

Brent Leroy:
Look, I hurt a friend once with a careless lie. I learnt a valuable lesson about lying more convincingly.

Lacey Burrows:
[to Oscar] I don't want to play horseshoes! I'm no good at horseshoes!

Hank Yarbo:
Come on, ya big chicken, you haven't accomplished anything with your life! [voiceover, dictating his blog] I was trying tough love. I think later, when she hit me with a rock, that was tough love too.

Oscar Leroy:
The point is, I lost the game fair and square, so she has to stop moping, and the food gets better.

Lacey Burrows:
Wait a minute. You threw the game, didn't you?

Oscar Leroy:
No.

Brent Leroy:
[to Emma] Wait a minute. You didn't read my blog, did you?

Emma Leroy:
No.

Karen Pelly:
[entering] The game was rigged?

Oscar Leroy, Emma Leroy:
No.

Lacey Burrows:
So can I clang or not?

Oscar Leroy, Brent Leroy, Emma Leroy, Karen Pelly:
No!

Karen Pelly:
The file cabinet is jammed again. You know the drawer glides shut nice and gentle, but you always close it like you're King Kong or Godzilla.

Davis Quinton:
No, I don't. If I was King Kong, I'd just shake it and throw it out the window. Or if I was Godzilla, I'd just burn it or hit it with my tail.

[Oscar parks the school bus he is driving]

Oscar Leroy:
All right, let's have it!

Main Student:
Have what?

Oscar Leroy:
The booze!

Second Student:
What's booze?

Main Student:
The stuff they warned us about in church group.

Oscar Leroy:
Oh, don't give me the old church mouse and bookworm routine! I've seen them all before.

Main Student:
Honest, Mr. Leroy, we don't have any liquor or anything bad.

Oscar Leroy:
[grabbing a book] Fine. Then I'll just take this.

Main Student:
That's my homework.

Oscar Leroy:
Then do it at home! No reading on the bus!

Second Student:
God loves you.

Oscar Leroy:
Damn right he does!

[Wanda, who has drunk too much Haywire, an energy-boosting drink, is working in Emma's garden]

Brent LeRoy:
[in his car] Yo, Zippy, time to get back to your job.

Wanda Dollard:
[babbling] It's a nice day for it. I like working outside. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and the sky is bleeding and the grass is screaming. I want to stay here.

Brent LeRoy:
Okay, well, I guess I'll just go back to Corner Gas... you know, the place that's full of Haywire.

Wanda Dollard:
[suddenly sitting in his front passenger seat] This is nice in here. You spilled some toothpicks, 234. I counted them. Let's go. Come on!

Oscar Leroy:
[reading a book] This title is misleading. Are they going to kill a mockingbird or not?

Lacey Burrows:
[about Hank and his advertising] Yes, he made me an offer I couldn't comprehend.

Hank Yarbo:
[in his truck] Eat at the Ruby!

Lacey Burrows:
[behind him in her car] Hank is not my fault!

[a cable TV company van pulls up to the Corner Gas pumps]

Brent LeRoy:
Want me to fill it up?

Cable Guy:
Please.

Brent LeRoy:
Okay. How about I do it next Tuesday, sometime between eight and four?

Oscar Leroy:
Street Legal *sucked*!

Wanda Dollard:
Ah, this is a tough call for me. Which side should I be on? I mean generally, I dislike cable companies, but specifically, I dislike Hank.

Lacey Burrows:
It's better to be specific.

Hank Yarbo:
You think free laundry, chili cheese dogs, and taking time off is really going to help?

Brent LeRoy:
Au contraire. And I don't say that lightly. Or with a decent accent.

Karen Pelly:
What are you saying?

Davis Quinton:
[about Brent] I'm just saying would it kill you to flirt with him?

Karen Pelly:
Um... yeah.

Wanda Dollard:
Don't tell Emma, but I've got a proposition for you.

Oscar Leroy:
Hey! Emma and I sometimes fight, but I take my marriage vows seriously.

Wanda Dollard:
Not that! Oh god, not that!

Wanda Dollard:
Strong decision, Brent. Gutsy. Oh, I don't mean, uh, guts, like 'you have a big gut'. I mean, I meant, uh, lotsa guts, but not like a big gut. [pauses] Have you lost weight?

Lacey Burrows:
Why don't you and I team up together and do a show? It could be fun.

Oscar Leroy:
No.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh come on, will you at least think about it? I could make it worth your while.

Oscar Leroy:
Lacey, chemistry or no chemistry, I'm happily married!

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, no, Oscar, that is not what I meant. And you know, just for the record, that's never going to be what I meant. Ever. Just to be clear - never. Ever.

Brent LeRoy:
[entering] What's going on?

Oscar Leroy:
Not sure. Getting mixed signals.

Karen Pelly:
[flipping through a fashion magazine at Corner Gas] Oh, she's got nice hair!... Ooh, she's got real nice hair!... Ooh!

Wanda Dollard:
Okay, are you going to buy that magazine or are you just going to make Merv Griffin noises all day?

Oscar Leroy:
[about a stray cat in Emma's garden] Why don't you catch it?

Emma Leroy:
I'm allergic to cats.

Oscar Leroy:
Still? All right, I'll take care of it. I'll need a rope, a burlap sack and some rocks.

Emma Leroy:
Don't kill it!

Oscar Leroy:
How'd you know I was going to kill it?

Emma Leroy:
Lucky guess. Just catch it.

Oscar Leroy:
So you want me to catch it but keep it alive?

Emma Leroy:
Yes.

Oscar Leroy:
A cat?

Emma Leroy:
Yes!

Oscar Leroy:
All right. I'll need some string, a box and cat poison.

Lacey Burrows:
[to Davis and Hank] We have to raise money so that we can save Dog River Days.

Hank Yarbo:
I got it. I propose a dunk tank.

Lacey Burrows:
I don't think that...

Davis Quinton:
Second.

Hank Yarbo:
All in favour? [Hank and Davis raise their hands] Motion carried.

Davis Quinton:
Move to adjourn.

Hank Yarbo:
Second. [Hank and Davis raise their hands]

Davis Quinton:
Motion carried.

Lacey Burrows:
[as they leave] I...

[Brent has slipped on some cans lying on the floor of Corner Gas, spraining his ankle]

Wanda Dollard:
Look, I'm sorry you fell. And I'm sorry I kicked your ankle after you fell. I thought you were still faking it at that point.

Brent LeRoy:
Uh huh.

Wanda Dollard:
And I'm sorry I made you walk all the way to the car. And I'm sorry I tickled you while they were putting on the leg brace.

Brent LeRoy:
Wouldn't you have figured it out at that point?

Wanda Dollard:
That is when I figured it out. It seemed pretty elaborate with all the doctors and nurses.

Brent LeRoy:
And the swelling and the X rays and the screaming and the sedative?

[Karen's cat, Mittens, escapes from her house]

Karen Pelly:
Mittens! Mittens! I've lost my Mittens!

[Oscar is secretly feeding the stray cat he caught]

Emma Leroy:
What's this?

Oscar Leroy:
It's a piece of paper. So what?

Emma Leroy:
It's a receipt for cat food. Why are you buying cat food?

Oscar Leroy:
Because I'm a senior! Isn't that what we're supposed to do?

Emma Leroy:
You can do better than that!

Oscar Leroy:
All right. The truth is Brent likes to eat cat food and he's not feeling well, so I thought I'd treat him... That makes sense, right?

Karen Pelly:
[to Brent] I almost slipped on those cans.

Brent LeRoy:
Wanda!

Wanda Dollard:
I already yelled at her!

Wanda Dollard:
[after Brent actually hurts his leg] Anyway, I've been thinking, since you really are injured and there is a lot of work to do around here and I am partly responsible for this that, well, maybe I should... [she looks out the window] Bouncy castle! [she runs out]

Davis Quinton:
You find me annoying, right?

Brent LeRoy:
I do.

Davis Quinton:
Thank you.

Emma Leroy:
The cat came back!

Oscar Leroy:
I thought he was a goner?

Emma Leroy:
No, the cat came back!

Karen Pelly:
He just couldn't stay away.

Hank Yarbo:
[Brent is dreaming of being in an Archie comic strip] Jeepers! Sitting in that dunk tank sure made me hungry.

Davis Quinton:
Take it easy on those burgers, Jug-Hank.

Lacey Burrows:
Hey gang. Great news! We made enough money to have Dog River Days next month.

Brent LeRoy:
But Betonica, we already had Dog River Days!

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, Brenchie. That wasn't Dog River Days. That was just a parking lot fair.

Wanda Dollard:
I'm all faired out!

Davis Quinton:
You said it, Widge.

Wanda Dollard:
Right on, DIlton.

Davis Quinton:
[firmly] Moose!

Hank Yarbo:
What are we going to do with all that extra money we raised?

Lacey Burrows:
Let's throw a dance!

Wanda Dollard:
Can we hire a band?

Brent LeRoy:
How about Craig Northey from the rock and roll group The Odds?

Craig Northey:
Gee, that's swell! The guys and me were looking for a place to practice anyway.

[everyone dances to an Archie-fied version of 'Happy Place']

[Emma catches Oscar searching through her purse]

Emma Leroy:
You're trying to get coins for that claw machine down at the hotel bar.

Oscar Leroy:
I'm hot! There's a fuzzy lobster over there that's got my name on it!

Emma Leroy:
You're hooked, Oscar.

Oscar Leroy:
You're nuts!

Emma Leroy:
Oh, you're hooked.

Oscar Leroy:
I know what you're doing. You're saying I'm hooked so I'll quit just to show you I'm not hooked. Well, it won't work. I'm not hooked and I won't quit! Now fork over the coin so I can get my lobster!

Davis:
Do you think my new cell phone is small?

Karen Pelly:
I don't know.

Davis:
Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose, he had it out and I just glanced at it.

Karen Pelly:
Right.

Davis:
But mine is small right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone mine is small, smaller than average.

Karen Pelly:
I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works.

Lacey Burrows:
Do you think rat traps are humane?

Fitzy:
I don't know.

Lacey Burrows:
I hope not.

Oscar Leroy:
Let me answer your question with a question: shut up!

Brent Leroy:
[about the "I love Dog River" button] She's right. Whoever did it can't draw.

Paul Kinistino:
I drew it.

Lacey Burrows:
[to Brent and Davis] Aw, look at you two with your little tiny phones! They're like Barbie phone!

[about the made-in-Uzbekistan meal replacement bars she is hawking]

Wanda Dollard:
Leave it to the Uzbekians. They really know how to replace a meal.

Brent LeRoy:
[about Wanda's meal replacement bars] These don't have nougat in them or anything. It's got soy. That's like the anti-nougat. If nougat and soy were ever to touch, we'd all be vapourized.

Mayor Fitzy:
[to Davis and Karen] You call yourselves police officers, but you don't have a basic understanding of first aid?

Davis Quinton:
[to Karen] I'm very disappointed in you.

Mayor Fitzy:
What about you? Do you know first aid?

Davis Quinton:
I thought she did.

[Brent tries to sell Wanda's bars]

Brent LeRoy:
You can replace a whole meal with these.

Emma Leroy:
Are you saying my cooking's bad?

Brent LeRoy:
No. I'm saying sometimes you might rather eat a pressed bar of soy from Uzbekistan.

Emma Leroy:
Stay away from me.

Hank Yarbo:
[to a pregnant woman] Evening, ma'am. Census. We'd just like to ask you a few questions...

Oscar Leroy:
Head count! One...

[he points at her belly]

Oscar Leroy:
...and a half!

Hank Yarbo:
[at Oscar and Emma's house] How many people in the house, ma'am?

Emma Leroy:
27 and a monkey. Oscar, don't waste my time.

Hank Yarbo:
You think this is a joke? This is the census, lady! Look, don't make me mad! I'll fly off the handle! I'll lose it! I'll snap!

Oscar Leroy:
Okay, calm down, pal... My partner is a loose cannon. I can't control him. Help yourself out while you still can. How many people here?

Emma Leroy:
It's gonna be one if you don't get off my step.

Oscar Leroy:
Census!

Gilbert:
Census? But Fitzy already came by.

Oscar Leroy:
Fitzy? I'm doing my own census!

[He yells into the house]

Oscar Leroy:
How many people here?... I'm a loose cannon. I can't control me.

Hank Yarbo:
You saved my life.

Brent LeRoy:
Yeah. What's that make it, the eighth time?

Hank Yarbo:
First time with a pickle. Well, a sweet pickle.

Wanda Dollard:
Lacey, true or false. Your health is important to you.

Lacey Burrows:
Okay, I'll pay for the magazine. You don't have to threaten me.

Mayor Fitzy:
Normally, we hire Hank to do the census.

Hank Yarbo:
[to Oscar] I've got experience.

Mayor Fitzy:
On the other hand, normally Hank screws it up somehow.

Hank Yarbo:
Granted.

Mayor Fitzy:
On the other other hand, Oscar, you're... Oscar. So you can see my dilemma.

Oscar Leroy:
But I need the money. Shrubs don't grow on trees.

Brent LeRoy:
[eating a meal replacement bar, grimacing] Gee willikers, that's tasty.

Wanda Dollard:
Would you like me to teach you some grown-up curse words? I've got lots.

Oscar Leroy:
You don't know me, where I'm from, what my sass factor is.

Wanda Dollard:
[talking to a room that's empty apart from her and Brent] Remember! There is no I in team!

Brent LeRoy:
I'm the only one on the team.

Wanda Dollard:
And you wonder why you failed.

Mayor Fitzy:
You're both fired.

Oscar Leroy:
You don't know how it goes down in the street! You sit here behind your desk...

Mayor Fitzy:
I don't have a desk. It's a door on two filing cabinets.

Oscar Leroy:
Oh. Well, you should have one, you're the mayor.

Hank Yarbo:
If he goes, I go.

Mayor Fitzy:
I want you to go. I'm firing you both.

Oscar Leroy:
I can't do it without him.

Mayor Fitzy:
You can't do it WITH him! You're both fired!

Hank Yarbo:
So... when do we meet our new partners?

Hank Yarbo:
Yep, census. It's a young man's game. You gotta watch your health. I mean, I almost choked on a pickle.

Brent LeRoy:
I know, I was there.

Hank Yarbo:
No, after that.

Brent LeRoy:
You choked on another pickle?

Hank Yarbo:
No, same one.

Lacey Burrows:
Hank, we're closed.

Hank Yarbo:
I've just got something to say. Karen, don't come here, trying to win Davis back, he's two-timing you with Lacey.

Lacey Burrows:
What?

Karen Pelly:
[to Hank] Breadstick?

Hank Yarbo:
No, thank you. Just move on, Karen, it's over! [pause] Actually, I will have a breadstick, thank you.

Lacey Burrows:
Davis didn't leave Karen for me.

Emma Leroy:
No, he left you for Karen.

Hank Yarbo:
Gees, Davis, how many girlfriends have you got?

Davis Quinton:
[extremely confused] I don't know. [to Karen] Told you it'd get weird.

Emma Leroy:
Brent, what are you doing for dinner?

Brent Leroy:
Eating?

Lacey Burrows:
[about Jonathan] He found his way over from Kenya, hopefully he can make it to the Ruby.

Brent Leroy:
Yeah, wouldn't want him to get lost in the metropolis of Dog River.

Hank Yarbo:
[laughs uproariously, everyone just stares at him] Oh man, that's funny! You're funny!

Lacey Burrows:
What about what I said?

Hank Yarbo:
Not so much, no.

Lacey Burrows:
Hey Phil, I see you've got the classic nachos there.

Phil:
Uh-huh. You want some?

Lacey Burrows:
Nope. But I know what you're up to.

Phil:
What?

Lacey Burrows:
You know what I'm saying. [she winks] They're classic. [she winks again]

Phil:
[to the rest of the bar] Someone needs to drive Lacey home!

[last lines]

Brent LeRoy:
Hey, if you enjoyed our episode about reading, why not check out some of the books we mentioned on our show: The Life of Pi, by Yann Martel; The Saint in New York, by Leslie Charteris; Don Pendleton's Mack Bolan Executioner #147: Payback Game, by Jerry VanCook; and if you enjoyed our wildlife segment, check out Dingoes In Their Habitat, by Jay Robertson ... which isn't even a real book, actually. It's just something our props guy, Jay Robertson, made for us. Actually not a bad read. So visit your local library and get into the magic of reading. [Colin Mochrie ducks into the shot]

Colin Mochrie:
Pick up a book! Reading is cool!

Brent LeRoy:
This guy's gotta be in everything!

Oscar Leroy:
Comedy's not funny. There's nothing good on TV any more.

Brent LeRoy:
You were laughing at the TV last night.

[flashback:
Oscar, Brent, and Emma watch a nature program]

Announcer:
... and so the lion pounces on the unsuspecting dingo.

Oscar Leroy:
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Didn't see that coming!

[Hank is to host the hotel bar's comedy night]

Lacey Burrows:
Stand-up can be pretty tough. I used to work at a comedy club.

Hank Yarbo:
That's great! Maybe you could show me how to get laughs!

Lacey Burrows:
No, no, no. I worked at a comedy club. I wasn't the one getting the laughs.

Hank Yarbo:
Oh. Improv act.

Lacey Burrows:
[about the book club] Don't you think we should be reading material we can learn from?

Karen Pelly:
I'm learning a lot in Book Club. I didn't even know there were James Bond books. Now I've read two.

Emma Leroy:
I love the part where you can use your imagination to create whatever James Bond you want. I combined Roger Moore's accent with Sean Connery's looks.

Karen Pelly:
What about Pierce Brosnan?

Emma Leroy:
His ass.

[before hosting Comedy Night, Hank hones his anti-heckler insult skills]

Brent LeRoy:
Hey, Hank, you suck.

Hank Yarbo:
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date later.

Lacey Burrows:
You're not funny.

Hank Yarbo:
Ain't it sad when cousins marry?

Oscar Leroy:
Hi, Hank.

Hank Yarbo:
Shut up, old man.

Lacey Burrows:
[at the Dog River Town Bar] So how does it feel to be back here in Wullerton?

Bob Lang:
Wullerton? I though I was supposed to play Wullerton tomorrow?

Lacey Burrows:
No. This is Wullerton.

Bob Lang:
Stupid Booking Agents! They never get anything right.

Lacey Burrows:
Yeah.

Bob Lang:
Tell me, is there a town nearby that people here like to make fun of? You know, someplace they really hate?

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, yeah. Dog River!

[spits]

Bob Lang:
Thanks.

[Lacey smiles evil-like]

Bob Lang:
It's great to be here. I was just in Dog River, so it's great to be anywhere.

Bob Lang:
[no applause] Yeah, you know about the people of Dog River. Shallow end of the gene pool.

Local #1:
BOO! YOU SUCK!

Bob Lang:
What's the matter? You from Dog River or something?

Bob Lang:
[no response] Uh. Cheers! To the best town in all of Saskatchewan. WULLERTON!

Local #1, Local #2:
[the entire audience spits on cue] BOO!

Local #2:
Yeah, let's bring back Mean Hank!

[entire audience starts shouting "BRING BACK MEAN HANK!"]

Lacey:
Karen, I'm glad you're here. Look, we need to talk about the book club.

Karen Pelly:
I thought the first rule of book club was, you don't talk about book club.

Lacey:
That's fight club.

Karen Pelly:
How do you know about fight club?

Hank Yarbo:
[heckling the crowd at Comedy Night] Hey you! Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?

Oscar Leroy:
Did you hear? They're building that new call centre - in Wullerton! [Everybody spits, including Lacey, who looks appalled at what she's just done]

Brent LeRoy:
[to Lacey, evilly] You're one of us now.

Oscar Leroy:
Sissy bookclub. I'm going for a smoke.

Emma Leroy:
You don't smoke.

Oscar Leroy:
I was just making an excuse to leave the house.

Emma Leroy:
Never feel you need an excuse to leave the house.

Lacey Burrows:
[at the Ruby Caf?] Yeah, well, I guess if you did leave without paying, I wouldn't have too hard of a time tracking you down.

Brent LeRoy:
I don't know about that. I can be pretty elusive if I want to, disappear like a ninja. You'd have no hope of finding me.

[Duane "Dog" Chapman and Beth burst in]

Beth Smith:
There he is!

Duane 'Dog' Chapman:
[aiming a gun] Freeze! Let me see your hands now!

[they bend Brent over the cash counter]

Beth Smith:
Watch out now. He could be dangerous.

Duane 'Dog' Chapman:
His reign of terror is over.

Brent LeRoy:
Damn! I thought I lost you guys in Arizona!

Duane 'Dog' Chapman:
You may be good, bro, but we're better.

Oscar Leroy:
I need you to protect my sidewalk. Wanda's been casing the joint so she can write her name.

Davis Quinton:
Oh! That's Wanda that's been writing her name!

Oscar Leroy:
Who else would be writing "Wanda"?

Davis Quinton:
I thought it was an acronym for something.

Oscar Leroy:
For what?

Davis Quinton:
Oh, I don't know. Western Association of Non-Developed Agencies. World Agencies for Non-Developed Associations. Wizards Against Naked Dancing in Alberta. William And Nadine's Dental Appliances. And those are just off the top of my head.

[Oscar and Karen keep Wanda from writing her name in the wet cement of Oscar's new sidewalk]

Wanda Dollard:
Fine... but this is gonna happen. Next time you see me, my finger will be caked in cement and your reputations will lie in ruin!... Okay, I'm going to try that again, but this time with the maniacal laugh... and your reputations will lie in ruin! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!... Oh, I dunno. I think it's better.

Karen Pelly:
[to Davis] Maybe Brent will go with you.

Brent LeRoy:
Maybe... unless you're talking about France. Then forget it.

Davis Quinton:
No, no. I'm talking about Raptorman 2.

Brent LeRoy:
Oh. The first one was awesome. This one's supposed to be even awesomer.

Karen Pelly:
You two nerds should put on your Spock ears and go together.

Davis Quinton:
This is a completely different genre.

Brent LeRoy:
Yeah. We wear claws.

[Hank enters Corner Gas wearing sunglasses]

Wanda Dollard:
Ladies and gentlemen: Ray Charles.

Hank Yarbo:
Where?

Brent Leroy:
Don't play any of your crazy boogie woogie music in here, Mr. Cool.

Hank Yarbo:
I'm not wearing these to be cool. There's something wrong with my eye, all puffy and itchy. It hurts to look at the sun. I think it might be time to get glasses.

Wanda Dollard:
Looks like you have conjunctivitis.

Hank Yarbo:
What? Oh, man! How long have I got?

Wanda Dollard:
I wish. It's just pinkeye.

Brent Leroy:
Just pinkeye? That's like saying it's just... just... all right, it's just pinkeye, but still, Hank, get out!

Oscar Leroy:
[at the Ruby Caf?] I need three more of these Dog River Dollars.

Lacey Burrows:
Well, I can't just give them to you. You have to buy something first.

Oscar Leroy:
I'm trying to buy a stupid chip stick.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, you mean a chip clip! Those things are great! And you know what? You don't have to use them for just chips. Broken Ziploc bag? Chip clip it! Cookie bag? Chip clip it! Open bread?

Oscar Leroy:
I get it. Just give me the Dog River Dollars so I can buy whatever the hell you're talking about.

[Hank and Brent kick Wanda, who has caught pinkeye from Hank, out of Corner Gas]

Hank Yarbo:
Maybe I was too tough on her. I too was once like her.

Brent Leroy:
Short and angry?

Wanda Dollard:
[yelling from outside] Hey, Yarbo! I'm coming back for you! [she points at her pinkeye] You made me like this! I'll be back... for you!

Brent Leroy:
Short and creepy?

[Cops Karen and Davis swing their handcuffs around their fingers]

Davis Quinton:
What are you doing?

Karen Pelly:
What?

Davis Quinton:
Karen, swinging handcuffs is my thing. It's what I'm known for.

Karen Pelly:
Really? I thought you were known for copying my food orders.

Davis Quinton:
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Karen Pelly:
Yeah? Well, imitate this: "Meh, meh, meh! I'm Davis and I can't order my own food!"

Davis Quinton:
That's not very flattering.

Karen Pelly:
But it's sincere.

Wanda Dollard:
[to Brent, who is cleaning Corner Gas] You missed a spot.

Brent Leroy:
How'd you get in here?

Wanda Dollard:
Through the Ruby. Duh!

Brent Leroy:
Hank! Wanda's breached the perimeter!

Hank Yarbo:
What? How?

Brent Leroy:
Through the Ruby. Duh! [Lacey enters from the Ruby Caf?]

Lacey Burrows:
Sorry! She got past me!

Wanda Dollard:
That's right! I said I'd be back! You can't stop my pinkeye revenge! [she spreads her pinkeye germs over the Corner Gas counter] Go, my pets! Spread your pink path as I have commanded you!

Brent Leroy:
Yeesh. A little dramatic.

Wanda Dollard:
Oh, and "breached the perimeter's" your everyday lingo?

Brent LeRoy:
[on Oscar's homemade beer] Oh, really dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon!

Brent LeRoy:
[fantasizing] Is this my happy place?

Angel #1:
Yes. I'm the Angel of Good Times and No Hassles.

Angel #2:
And I'm the Angel of Readily Available Food and Refreshments.

Brent LeRoy:
Ooh! What have I done to deserve this?

Angel #2:
Don't talk silly. Your pudding bath is ready.

Cousin Carl:
Look, Brent, I can't help but get the feeling that there's some jealousy here, y' know, that somehow my success has made you feel emasculated.

Brent LeRoy:
That's not it at all... Emasculated means - ?

Cousin Carl:
Like you're not a man.

Brent LeRoy:
That's not it at all!

Emma Leroy:
Carl Jung says we all have a shadow figure, a kind of nemesis. In fact, I actually found mine.

Brent LeRoy:
What'd you do?

Emma Leroy:
I married him.

Davis Quinton:
Will you be my puppet in the talent show?

Karen Pelly:
No.

Davis Quinton:
[angrily] Fine. I'll get a sock.

Brent LeRoy:
[about Oscar's home-brewed beer] Geez, Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crow's nest?

Oscar Leroy:
It's like a Belgian beer.

Cousin Carl:
Not the Belgium I've been to.

Brent LeRoy:
I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?

[the intro to their talent-show comedy skit]

Brent LeRoy:
We're Shekel and Jekyll! I'm Murray Shekel...

Cousin Carl:
...and I'm Dr. Jekyll!

Brent LeRoy:
I'm a Catskills comedian...

Cousin Carl:
...and I'm a brilliant scientist with an evil demon lurking within!

[Hank is unprepared for his talent-show magic act]

Hank Yarbo:
[empty-handed] Now these rings are steel... or chrome... or, uh, y' know, any kind of shiny metal. Sir, can you verify that these rings are unbreakable... if they were here?

Mrs. Jensen:
[about Oscar] With him, the customer was always number one. Oscar always treated people with great respect.

Oscar Leroy:
[enters] Hey jackass, stop talking to this old wing-nut and pump my gas!

Brent LeRoy:
Well, he's a people person.

Oscar Leroy:
What are you getting plant food for?

Emma Leroy:
Because my tomatoes are pathetic and wrinkly, and when things are pathetic and wrinkly, they need food. Eat your sandwich.

Emma Leroy:
I thought Davis was hilarious.

Davis Quinton:
Thanks Emma.

Emma Leroy:
Not you, Davis, the puppet Davis. You kinda sucked.

Wanda Dollard:
Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colors, red, green, flashing lights.

Brent LeRoy:
So old Chistmas decorations?

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah!

Brent LeRoy:
Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.

Wanda Dollard:
Okay.

[Wanda is reading a book]

Customer:
What's that, quantum physics?

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, I've always been fascinated that light could be a particle and a wave. I was gonna study it in college, but then I got interested in biochemistry. And then on a whim settled on liguistics with minor in comparative religion.

Customer:
Wow, how'd you end up in a place like this?

Wanda Dollard:
The last girl quit, can you believe it?

Wes:
Hey Oscar, what can I do you for? Liquor or insurance?

Oscar Leroy:
Neither, I'm droppin' off.

Wes:
What's this?

Oscar Leroy:
A birthday cake, what's it look like? It's a case of empties. A buck twenty.

Wes:
Stubby Heidelbergs?

Oscar Leroy:
Stubby who?

Wes:
I can't take these back, Oscar, they don't even use them anymore.

Oscar Leroy:
I bought them here, I'll return them here.

Wes:
They don't use these any more, they're no good to me.

Oscar Leroy:
Well maybe my business is no good to you, you ever think of that?

Wes:
Maybe you could sell them on ebay?

Oscar Leroy:
They're not going to take them at the Bay!

Salesman:
[at Corner Gas] I like you. I'm gonna put you down for 20 boxes.

Brent Leroy:
20? I can't afford...

Salesman:
I'm doing you a favour, but no discount unless you order 30 boxes.

Brent Leroy:
No, what I want is...

Salesman:
[writing purchase order] - 30 boxes. You got it. Nice doing business with you, buddy boy. [he passes Lacey on his way out]

Lacey Burrows:
That guy just winked at me.

Brent Leroy:
You got off easy. Sometimes he pats my bum.

Lacey Burrows:
So you are telling me you just bought 30 boxes of something and you don't even know what?

Brent Leroy:
Hey, aren't you going to ask me why I'm not wearing my work shirt?

Lacey Burrows:
[about the salesman] Because that guy told you not to?

Brent Leroy:
It slipped off the hook and then into the garbage and then out to the dumpster and hauled away.

Lacey Burrows:
You know, Brent, I'm a little more concerned about you getting pushed around by this guy.

Brent Leroy:
Yeah, I ordered a new one. Should be here soon.

Lacey Burrows:
Okay, are you just making up my side of this conversation?

Brent Leroy:
A little hungry, yeah.

Hank Yarbo:
I'm gonna fake some UFO crop circles tonight, freak people out. You want in?

Brent Leroy:
Intriguing. How do we do it?

Hank Yarbo:
Well, we...

Brent Leroy:
You lost me.

[Davis, believing Oscar is quarreling with Emma, is letting him stay at his house]

Wanda Dollard:
Do you have any idea what it would be like to live with Oscar?

Davis Quinton:
I'm about to find out.

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, well, Emma put in 40 years. By the time you hit 40 minutes, you'll be thinking of places to hide the body.

[Brent's new, black gas station uniform shirt inspires him to take on a too-cool attitude]

Gas Customer:
Yeah, so it was cloudy this morning, but it looks like it's clearing up.

Brent Leroy:
Whoopty ding.

Gas Customer:
Pardon?

Brent Leroy:
You heard me. [inside Corner Gas, Lacey stares at Brent through a window]

Wanda Dollard:
Drool much?

Lacey Burrows:
I am not drooling.

Wanda Dollard:
Whatever you say, Droolie, but you like this new bad boy Brent, don'tcha?

Lacey Burrows:
Brent a bad boy? The same Brent who won't eat crunchy peanut butter because, and I quote, "it feels lumpish and bumply"?

Wanda Dollard:
That was Blue Shirt Brent. Black Shirt Brent would eat crunchy peanut butter right off the spoon, no bread. He's a bad boy and you like it.

Davis Quinton:
[near the faked crop circles] Karen, I want you to get the RCMP down here right away. Tell them we got a 10-92.

Karen Pelly:
Parking violation?

Davis Quinton:
By aliens.

Oscar Leroy:
Maybe you could make one of those egg pies.

Davis Quinton:
Quiche?

Oscar Leroy:
With the tomato dip.

Davis Quinton:
Salsa?

Oscar Leroy:
Oh, speak English!

[repeated line]

Brent LeRoy:
Coffee break!

Hank Yarbo:
[entering Corner Gas] Hey, d'you guys carry dynamite?

Brent LeRoy:
That's funny, 'cause we were just talking about getting more impulse items.

Wanda Dollard:
I said we should have nut bars at the counter and here you are.

Hank Yarbo:
So it's over there by the milk, or... ?

Brent LeRoy:
We don't have dynamite.

Hank Yarbo:
Oh. I told Cecil I'd demolish his barn by tomorrow, but if I do it by hand it's gonna take at least, y' know, longer than that, so I'm thinking boom, you know.

Brent LeRoy:
Geez. I don't know if you and dynamite should be together in the same room.

Wanda Dollard:
Unless there's a short fuse and a locked door.

Brent LeRoy:
Here's what I figure: we tie your truck up to the support beam inside the barn, pull the whole thing down in one shot.

Hank Yarbo:
Um hm, right. And the dynamite's attached to the beam?

Brent LeRoy:
There's no dynamite.

Hank Yarbo:
You sure that'll work?

Brent LeRoy:
My friend Mr. Isaac Newton thinks it will work.

Hank Yarbo:
Do I know him?

Brent LeRoy:
Yeah. He's got an apple orchard outside of town, big bump on his head.

Brent LeRoy:
[looking at Cecil's barn] Oh, how the mighty will fall! This kind of reminds me of David and Goliath.

Oscar Leroy:
How does tearing down a barn remind you of two guys in a fist fight?

Brent LeRoy:
[to Hank] And he used to teach Sunday school.

Wanda Dollard:
The camera loves Karen.

Karen Pelly:
Thank you!

Davis Quinton:
Well, what about me?

Wanda Dollard:
The camera likes you as a friend.

[Hank hitches his truck to the barn's support beam]

Hank Yarbo:
[to Oscar] Okay, she's good! Give 'er a snoot!

Oscar Leroy:
What does that mean?

Brent LeRoy:
Could be anything. I think he means drive.

Lacey Burrows:
Hey, girlfriend!

Emma Leroy:
Lacey, that's how rumours get started.

Hank Yarbo:
How do you blow up a salad?

Oscar Leroy:
Happens more than you think.

Emma Leroy:
[looking at the flowers she gave Lacey as a thank you for doing her nails] My flowers!

Josh the Cook:
They're kinda droopy. You know, you should really replant them as soon as you take them out of the ground.

Emma Leroy:
Do I tell you how to burn toast?

Emma Leroy:
[to Lacey, referring to choosing someone to show the new doctor around Dog River] You're our first choice. [cut scene to everyone else in town saying no]

Lacey:
First choice?

Karen Pelly:
You're not the bottom of the barrel in any way here, Lacey.

Davis:
Top of the barrel, definitely...

Emma Leroy:
Stop talking.

Oscar Leroy:
[about Hank, who's staying with the Leroy's for a while] I'm not sure I like this. Some weirdo living in my house, taking up space.

Emma Leroy:
Welcome to my world.

Oscar Leroy:
[to Hank] You've been very helpful.

Emma Leroy:
Having you around means that Oscar and I will be able to spend a lot more time together. [pause, then her and Oscar exchange glances] [cut to Corner Gas] Hank can't stay with us any more.

Brent LeRoy:
I could get stuff for free as long as what I'm buying is less than the hassle of making change.

Wanda Dollard:
Ah, the pain in the ass threshold.

Karen Pelly:
Hey, Lacey's talking to our new doctor.

Hank Yarbo:
Oh yeah? What's he like?

Karen Pelly:
He's a she.

Hank Yarbo:
Our new doctor's a transvestite?

Karen Pelly:
No, Hank, she's a woman.

Hank Yarbo:
A woman transvestite?

Emma Leroy:
How do you like Dog River?

Dr. Chris Garner:
Well, it takes a bit of getting used to. I'm accustomed to a slower pace.

Emma Leroy:
There's a slower pace?

Karen Pelly:
[telling Hank a riddle] There's a plane crash on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan...

Hank Yarbo:
Is the pilot the mother?

Karen Pelly:
No.

Hank Yarbo:
Okay.

Karen Pelly:
The planes crashes on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do you bury the survivors?

Hank Yarbo:
Right on the border, huh? [Karen nods] Okay. Well, I guess you gotta figure out which province has more of the plane...

Karen Pelly:
The plane is equally divided between the two provinces.

Hank Yarbo:
Okay, alright, I see that. I guess you flip a coin.

Karen Pelly:
Where do you bury the SURVIVORS?

Hank Yarbo:
Oh, SURVIVORS! [pause] One on each side.

Wanda Dollard:
This is sarcasm. You're a giant of a man, a brilliant boss, and I'm lucky to be working for you.

Brent Leroy:
You, work. Wow, that IS sarcasm.

Davis Quinton:
[returning from his meeting with the mayor regarding the police budget, to Karen] Oh, don't look at me like that. I fought. I fought hard. [cut to Fitzy's office] So, can we have more money?

Fitzy:
No.

Davis Quinton:
Yes sir, Mr. Mayor.

Hank Yarbo:
[after delivering Emma's soup] How about a tip?

Emma Leroy:
Don't marry the first person who asks.

Lacey Burrows:
[to Brent] You are overreacting.

Josh the Cook:
The mayor just called for delivery.

Lacey Burrows:
This is the worst thing that ever happened to me!

Wanda Dollard:
Didn't you find a raccoon in your sock drawer?

Lacey Burrows:
This is the second-worst thing that ever happened to me!

Hank Yarbo:
Do you think I'm the town's biggest laughing stock?

Karen Pelly:
No! Oscar is, then you.

Karen Pelly:
We're not allowed to work to rule. So, we can work, but not to rule. That's the rule, and just the way it works.

Davis Quinton:
Yeah, what she said.

Brent LeRoy:
Don't you think a skirt is a little la-di-da for a gas station?

Wanda Dollard:
I'm not the one in the powder-blue blouse.

Brent LeRoy:
It's not a blouse. And it's not powder blue. It's sky blue, like the sky, where there's jet fighters and lightning... and it's not a blouse.

Wanda Dollard:
You're the boss, Blousie.

Wanda Dollard:
[at the Ruby Cafe] What's with the rubber gloves?

Lacey Burrows:
The dishwashers broke. Oh, well. A little hard work never killed anybody.

Karen Pelly:
Hard work kills people all the time.

Wanda Dollard:
You never heard of a heart attack?

Karen Pelly:
Aneurysm? Hernia?

Wanda Dollard:
Burst blood vessel behind the eye?

Lacey Burrows:
Well, it's nice chatting with you.

Karen Pelly:
You still feeling queasy?

Davis Quinton:
I'm not queasy. I'm fine.

Karen Pelly:
Really? You look like you found a gob of raw pork in your pudding.

Davis Quinton:
I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work. Solid as a rock... Is it hot in here?

Karen Pelly:
Hoo, I could go for a cigar right now. You?

Davis Quinton:
Why are you doing this?

Karen Pelly:
I've never seen this side of you before.

Davis Quinton:
I've never seen this side of you before either.

Karen Pelly:
We're getting to know each other. Let's celebrate with a glass of room-temperature cream.

Davis Quinton:
Ooh!

Emma Leroy:
Hey, Lacey, how's business?

Lacey Burrows:
Our dishwashers broke and I am sick of doing dishes. My, my hands are sore, my shirt's wet, and I'm not good at it.

Emma Leroy:
Anything else?

Lacey Burrows:
My fingers are wrinkling and I think I'm allergic to latex. Can that kill you?

Emma Leroy:
Me? No. You? Maybe.

Emma Leroy:
As long as you're standing there, you could help me with these dishes.

Brent LeRoy:
Geez. I'd better not stand here, then.

Brent LeRoy:
[Wanda is due to provide commentary on the hockey team's home games] I love the way you call games. What is it you call a goal again?

Wanda Dollard:
Twine tickler!

Brent LeRoy:
Uh, offside?

Wanda Dollard:
Premature!

Brent LeRoy:
Somebody elbows somebody in the mouth?

Wanda Dollard:
Bender in the beer hole!

Brent LeRoy:
I make a huge save?

Wanda Dollard:
That's never come up.

Lacey:
[about the Dog River River Dogs hockey team] I thought you said you were a lousy goalie.

Brent LeRoy:
No. I said I let in a lot of goals, mainly 'cause I get 110 shots a game.

Lacey:
Wow. No neutral zone trap for you guys, huh?

Brent LeRoy:
Well, our defencemen can't skate backwards. That's the crux of it.

Lacey:
So what's your story, Rocket?

Brent LeRoy:
Rocket Ronnie Raymore, born and raised in Stonewood, Saskatchewan, where he grew up to become the type of guy who gives himself a nickname.

Rocket Ronnie:
I didn't give myself the nickname.

Lacey:
It's okay. I used to call myself Xanadu. It's a good movie.

[Oscar stops the Leroys' car, but it shakes and coughs]

Emma Leroy:
Did you turn it off?

Oscar Leroy:
Yes, I turned it off!

Emma Leroy:
I think it's having a seizure.

Oscar Leroy:
It's fine. The carb's just sucking on the fuel pump for a bit, that's all.

Emma Leroy:
I feel like we should shoot it.

Oscar Leroy:
I'll remember that the next time you start coughing.

Emma Leroy:
If I ever make sounds like this, I'll welcome the bullet.

Lacey:
[about the River Dogs hockey team] Why are the guys so against me being the coach?

Brent LeRoy:
Well, I'm not sure. Let's ask your penis. Excuse me, Lacey's Penis... What the... ? You don't have one!

Lacey:
Oh, you can't be serious.

Brent LeRoy:
I'm serious. I didn't see one.

Lacey:
They won't let me coach because I'm a woman?

Hank Yarbo:
[during pre-game team meeting] Huge crowd out there, boys.

Brent LeRoy:
What do you figure?

Hank Yarbo:
Got to be close to 50.

Davis Quinton:
Let's not disappoint them, boys. I hate losing to this team. Actually, I hate losing in general, but especially to this team.

Brent LeRoy:
And you guys stay on that Rocket Ronnie. Geez, I hate getting deked out by that guy. I hate getting deked! It's like being tricked! Guy says, "I'm going to go left," but then he doesn't go left. He goes right and then he scores and he's some kind of hero and I'm a gullible jackass. [the team stares at him] So stay on him, is all.

Wanda Dollard:
[Hank gets bodychecked during the hockey game] Looks a little woozy. Reminiscent of the time he was kicked by a donkey.

Wanda Dollard:
[Davis bodychecks an opposing player into the boards] Ooh! A big hit! He'll be picking paint out of his pants for a week!

Davis:
Uh... I came to use your skate sharpener.

Oscar Leroy:
Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.

Davis:
I heard we almost lost Brent.

Oscar Leroy:
What do you mean?

Davis:
The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.

Oscar Leroy:
They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?

Karen Pelly:
That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?

[at the end of a hockey game, the crowd is cheering loudly]

Oscar Leroy:
What happened?

Karen Pelly:
The boys didn't lose.

Emma Leroy:
No, seriously, what happened?

Davis:
[after a tiring period in a hockey game] Good hustle out there guys.

[pause]

Davis:
Anyone seen my pancreas?

Lacey Burrows:
Who's your mommy?

Emma Leroy:
[Emma has threatened to strangle Oscar if the car won't start; Oscar has told her that if it does start, she has to shut up about it; the car does start] You're my hero. Now let's just go, we're going to be late.

Oscar Leroy:
Oh, that's right, it's almost [looks at his watch] shut up o'clock.

Lacey Burrows:
Wow. That is a great-looking cake.

Emma Leroy:
Chocolate double chocolate with chocolate icing. I've been serving it to Brent for 39 years.

Lacey Burrows:
You fed Brent cake when he was one?

Emma Leroy:
Well, that's how we got him to walk.

Davis Quinton:
No permit, no fireworks. Now, if you can gently carry them and very carefully place them in the trunk of the police car while I stand way over here, that'd be great.

Kiefer Sutherland:
[answers phone] Hello?

Davis Quinton:
We have a problem. We need to set up a perimeter.

Kiefer Sutherland:
Who is this?

Davis Quinton:
Isn't this the coach of the baseball team?

Kiefer Sutherland:
No, you have the wrong number. This is Shirley Douglas' residence.

Davis Quinton:
Really?

Kiefer Sutherland:
[slightly impatient] Yes, I should know, she's my mother.

Davis Quinton:
[mocking] Your mother? You still live with your mother? How old are ya?

Kiefer Sutherland:
I'm hanging up now.

Shirley Douglas:
[offscreen] Kiefer, who was that?

Kiefer Sutherland:
[very angry] Dammit, Mom, I told you to knock before you come in!

Lacey Burrows:
Great news! My friend from college is coming to Dog River.

Brent LeRoy:
Oh, I didn't know you went to college.

Lacey Burrows:
Yeah. It's not a big deal. Everyone goes to college.

Brent LeRoy:
I didn't.

Hank Yarbo:
I didn't.

Oscar Leroy:
I didn't.

Emma Leroy:
I didn't.

Wanda Dollard:
I did... but I don't go around bragging about it.

Lacey Burrows:
[to Brent] I thought just you and I were talking.

Connie:
[to police officer Davis] Well, aren't you a hefty fellow.

Davis Quinton:
Huh?

Connie:
I thought "CHiPs" was canceled, Ponch. [Davis looks at his paunch]

Lacey Burrows:
[entering, to Connie] Okay, let's go.

Connie:
Anyway, nice to meet you.

Lacey Burrows:
See you, guys!

[She leaves with Connie]

Davis Quinton:
Was she just rude to me?

Karen Pelly:
Aw, don't feel bad. Ponch was everybody's favourite.

Hank Yarbo:
Hey, Brent, if everyone thought one of your friends was a big jerk, wouldn't you want to know about it?

Wanda Dollard:
[to Brent] Oh, that reminds me: I need to talk to you about Hank.

Connie:
Would you be my maid of honour?

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, I would be honoured! I thought you would ask Sally.

Connie:
I know. I was Sally's maid of honour when she married Bill.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, that's right.

Connie:
But now I'm marrying Bill.

Wanda Dollard:
I am giving you a brand new Corner Gas customer discount card.

Oscar Leroy:
But this is just a scrap of paper.

Wanda Dollard:
A true reflection of how we value you as a customer.

Emma Leroy:
It's about your friend. She's really rude and you seem blind to it.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, okay. Oh, I see what's happening here. This is classic transference. You can't stand Oscar's rudeness, so you're projecting it onto Connie.

Emma Leroy:
No, what's happening is you're embarrassed by Connie's rudeness and you're transferring it onto Oscar.

Lacey Burrows:
Not transferring, projecting.

Emma Leroy:
On Oscar?

Lacey Burrows:
To Connie... Oh, wait a second. Who's transferring and who's projecting?

Emma Leroy:
All I know is your friend's a b*tch.

Davis Quinton:
License and registration.

Hank Yarbo:
What'd I do?

Davis Quinton:
You didn't fix your broken tail-light. I told you like a thousand times.

Hank Yarbo:
Exaggeration! It was maybe ten times.

Davis Quinton:
Like ten million times. How are people going to know when you're stopped?

Hank Yarbo:
They hit the back of the truck; that's how I broke the light.

Brent Leroy:
Knock knock! I come bearing gifts.

Emma Leroy:
What's this?

Brent Leroy:
It's my old MP3 player. I got a new one, so I thought you could have this one.

Emma Leroy:
What's an empty tree player?

Brent Leroy:
M-P-3. It stands for music playing... 3.

[to Brent, after seeing the perogies Davis made]

Lacey Burrows:
Wow, so how many of those are you going to eat?

Davis Quinton:
Oh, no, no, no, Brent's not allowed to enter the eating contest.

Lacey Burrows:
Why? Are you some kind of pro or something?

Brent Leroy:
No, I'm not a pro... the pros know who I am. No, no one will enter if I enter, so I entered you.

Lacey Burrows:
You entered me?

Brent Leroy:
We should probably change verbs before this gets weird.

Brent Leroy:
[to Lacey] Wow, you can eat. I had no idea you could unhinge your jaw like that. I think I saw you on the Discovery Channel.

Davis Quinton:
Hey, champ! So how'd you like those perogies? Pretty tasty, huh?

Lacey Burrows:
Honestly, I was eating so fast, I couldn't taste a thing.

Davis Quinton:
[disappointed] Oh, I see. I'm glad to know I wasted my Friday night cooking those up, when I could have been... I could have been... anyways, I wasted my time.

Brent Leroy:
It's already arranged! I phoned Fitzy's grandma, asked her to make four dozen perogies, bring them over here.

Davis Quinton:
Fitzy's grandma! Why didn't you ask me?

Brent Leroy:
You said you'd never do it again.

Davis Quinton:
I didn't say that.

Lacey Burrows:
You did. It was just a bit more whiny.

[hearing Emma singing along to the MP3 player]

Brent Leroy:
Where'd you get this?

Emma Leroy:
Karen. She off-loaded some more down-with-it tunes.

Brent Leroy:
If by 'down-with-it' you mean filthy... you shouldn't be singing about things you don't understand.

Emma Leroy:
You put 'Skinamarinkydoo' on here. I have no idea what that means.

Brent Leroy:
What's not to get? That's right in the title.

[trying to convince Lacey to go up against him in a food eating contest]

Brent Leroy:
Okay, how about this: you want to get the roof here fixed, right?

Lacey Burrows:
Yeah, but I can't afford it.

Brent Leroy:
I'll do it for you. I'll re-tar the whole place, I'll re-shingle the eaves troughs or whatever you do to a roof, no expense to you, if you can beat me in an eating contest.

Lacey Burrows:
Okay, I'll do it.

Brent Leroy:
Why not?

Lacey Burrows:
I just said I'll do it.

Brent Leroy:
Oh.

Karen Pelly:
[on the phone to Brent] Look, what is your problem? I am just trying to get Emma into a bit more contemporary music. I'm not doing her any harm.

Emma Leroy:
That's for shizzle.

Karen Pelly:
What did you just say?

Emma Leroy:
I'm just saying it's dope, dawg.

Davis Quinton:
[menacing] I see... making a fresh batch of perogies... right here in your lovely kitchen. Such a nice kitchen; it would be a shame if something should... happen to it.

Fitzy's Grandma:
Are you trying to intimidate me?

Davis Quinton:
[cheery] Kind of. Is it working?

Fitzy's Grandma:
Not really, no.

Brent Leroy:
Who would have thought that inside that skinny little frame lived the heart of a giant, glutinous porker?

Lacey Burrows:
I am not a porker! I just ate 40 perogies in under a minute. [pauses] Oh my God, I am a porker!

Paul Martin:
Good evening, Canada. I'd like to take this opportunity to address the nation in regard to some important issues. [Brent is seen lurking in the background] As you know, we live in a country...

Brent Leroy:
Uh...

Paul Martin:
...that is...

Brent Leroy:
Excuse me.

Paul Martin:
Hi, Brent.

Brent Leroy:
Hello, Mr. Prime Minister. I'm just kind of wondering what you're doing.

Paul Martin:
Well, I'm speaking to the nation. I'm addressing Canada.

Brent Leroy:
Oh. Hello, Canada... Um, is this something you have to do right now?

Paul Martin:
Is now a bad time?

Brent Leroy:
Sort of. For me, anyway. I kind of had the next thirty minutes planned out.

Paul Martin:
Couldn't you do your thing later?

Brent Leroy:
This is really the only half hour they let me do anything. The rest is pretty much Canadian Idol.

Hank Yarbo:
I don't contribute to society.

Brent Leroy:
Sure you do. You're a morale booster. By contributing nothing, you make everyone else feel good about themselves.

Hank Yarbo:
That's not good enough anymore.

Davis Quinton:
[Davis tries to wangle some handicapped license plates] I think I have a problem with my hip flexor. It would really help me if I could park close to stuff.

Doc Russell:
In my 25 years as a doctor, that's the biggest crock I've ever heard.

Lacey Burrows:
I guess my favorite part is when I'm running and I think I can't go any more, and then this calmness kicks in and the pain disappears.

Wanda Dollard:
Ah, the endorphins. Makes the body feel like it's dipping into a deeper reservoir of fuel.

Lacey Burrows:
I slept so well last night. Brent, you should run with us. You'd sleep better.

Brent Leroy:
Maybe you guys could talk about running some more. I'd drift right off.

Hank Yarbo:
Everyone, I am stopping traffic for Oscar not because he's old and fragile, but because I stop traffic for everyone. It is my duty as a crossing guard, and that is why I'm patronizing him.

Oscar Leroy:
[to Hank] Just treat me normal!

Hank Yarbo:
[to Karen] You may not respect me, but I respect me and I respect you. In fact, I have enough respect to make up for the lack of respect that you don't have for me... respectfully.

[Lacey notices that a windstorm has blown two letters off of her "CAFE" sign]

Lacey Burrows:
Where's my F 'n' E?

Lady:
[with her daughter] I think we'll eat somewhere else.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, no. No, no, don't leave. I wasn't cursing. I was just talking about the...

Lady:
[leading daughter back to car] No.

Lacey Burrows:
Aw, sh - [cut to opening credits]

Lacey Burrows:
That was a strong windstorm last night, huh?

Oscar Leroy:
I've seen worse. Wind storm of '85, remember that? Moved the whole town five feet to the left.

Emma Leroy:
Every day a little bit crazier.

Brent Leroy:
[at Corner Gas] What's this?

Wanda Dollard:
A list of demands for better working conditions.

Brent Leroy:
Extended vacation time? Permanent parking spot? A sturdier stool? You make this sound like a sweatshop.

Wanda Dollard:
Oh, that reminds me. [she adds another item to the list]

Brent Leroy:
I do wear deodorant!

[while on strike, Hank and Wanda picket Corner Gas]

Hank Yarbo:
Gimme an X!

Wanda Dollard:
X!

Hank Yarbo:
Gimme a T!

Wanda Dollard:
T!

Hank Yarbo:
Gimme a V!

Wanda Dollard:
What are we spelling?

Hank Yarbo:
We're supposed to spell something?

Brent Leroy:
[reading Wanda's list of strike resolution demands] "Item #2: Wanda Dollard will no longer be required to stock shelves or ring in customers." You see, that could be problematic, what with that being the whole job.

[Fitzy has lost his re-election bid]

Mayor Fitzy:
You're all rubes! Rubes! Well, you won't have old Fitzy to kick around! [he gets into his car and tries to start it] Could someone give me a boost?

Oscar Leroy:
It's Lacey's idea. She says we should build a casino.

Brent LeRoy:
Really? That doesn't sound like something Lacey would say. In fact, just the other day...

[in flashback]

Brent LeRoy:
Hey, Lacey, you want to play some pinochle for matchsticks?

Lacey Burrows:
Uh, how many matchsticks? Is it legal? Maybe we shouldn't. It could lead to pennies and then who knows what. No, this is a bad idea.

[in present day]

Brent LeRoy:
She's not exactly Doyle Brunson.

[first lines]

Lacey Burrows:
What's this mayor challenge?

Brent LeRoy:
Fitzy's looking for ways to put Dog River on the map.

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah. Whenever election time rolls around, he starts to pretend he cares.

Hank Yarbo:
How can you guys be so cyclical?

Wanda Dollard:
That's cynical.

Lacey Burrows:
Maybe he meant we talk in circles. We do that sometimes.

Hank Yarbo:
Yeah, Wanda. If you weren't so cyclical, you'd know that.

Oscar Leroy:
Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?

Emma Leroy:
Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty

[holds up a spoon]

Oscar Leroy:
Really?

[Oscar starts to clean the spoon]

Karen Pelly:
[Karen is trying to figure out who spray-painted "Grad '68" on the water tower] I think I got a good lead on a cold case.

Davis:
Hey, great work rookie. What is it?

Karen Pelly:
Well, take a look at this picture of the water tower.

Davis:
[Uninterested] Not "Grad '68".

Karen Pelly:
This picture was taken in 1972.

Davis:
How much did it cost to get these pictures blown up?

Karen Pelly:
But look the water tower's unmarked.

Davis:
You got 'em dry-mounted, that's like 20 bucks each!

Karen Pelly:
Why would someone paint "Grad '68" if it wasn't 1968?

Davis:
I don't know. But if you figure that one out, you'll be halfway to; I don't give a damn!

Karen Pelly:
Everybody was in on this crime, it's sort of like "The Orient Express".

Brent LeRoy:
I think I ate there once.

Karen Pelly:
No, the Agatha Christie book. All the suspects teamed up to do the crime.

Hank Yarbo:
Well, I guess I don't have to finish reading that one!

Davis Quinton:
At least I'm not...

Karen Pelly:
Blonde? Thin? Pretty?

Davis Quinton:
[pouts] I'm pretty.

Karen Pelly:
All right, what have you got for me?

Paint Store Clerk:
It's inconclusive.

Karen Pelly:
Inconclusive's not good enough. Dig deeper. Follow the evidence!

Paint Store Clerk:
Geez, it's just a paint store. Why do you want to know all this stuff, anyway?

Karen Pelly:
I'm working on a cold case.

Paint Store Clerk:
Cold case? Who cares?

Karen Pelly:
Look, just tell me, how long does spray paint last?

Paint Store Clerk:
I called the company. They said 15 years, 20 at the most.

Karen Pelly:
15 years... Thanks. [leaves]

Elderly Customer:
[approaches counter, holds up paint sample] Is this green?

Paint Store Clerk:
[panicking] I don't have all the answers!

Davis:
I was young and bored, thin and pretty.

Wanda Dollard:
What the hell happened?

Oscar Leroy:
Let me answer that question with another question: Shut up!

Brent LeRoy:
[about the new signs Lacey has put on the bathroom doors - the Roman symbols for man and woman] I think people are going to say 'Am I a fat guy shooting arrows or a fat guy fighting vampires?'

Emma Leroy:
What's going on?

Brent LeRoy:
I'm getting a little trim from Karen. I mean, Karen's cutting my hair.

Lacey Burrows:
Wanda, weigh in on something. Hank and I are having a disagreement.

Wanda Dollard:
He's wrong. You're right. Is my sandwich ready?

Lacey Burrows:
I'm serious. I want your honest, impartial opinion.

Wanda Dollard:
All right, I'll be completely impartial. I'll listen to you and Dingle Nuts.

[Wanda mediates a dispute between Lacey and Hank, whom Lacey paid to stain the deck of the Ruby Cafe but he hasn't done it yet]

Wanda Dollard:
Do you have a receipt?

Lacey Burrows:
What?

Wanda Dollard:
R-E-ceipt. Did you obtain a written receipt for the money you allege to have paid Hank?

Lacey Burrows:
You think I'm lying? Lookit, I will turn him upside down and shake the cash out of him.

Hank Yarbo:
You see what I'm dealing with? This is threats, it's harassment...

Wanda Dollard:
[hushing him] BUB-UB-UB-UB-UB! You will get your turn, sir.

Hank Yarbo:
Unconstitutional...

Wanda Dollard:
BUB-UB-UB-UB-UB-UB-UB!

Lacey Burrows:
How often do you watch that judge lady?

Wanda Dollard:
Zip it.

[Emma is jealous at finding Karen cutting Brent's hair, which Emma used to do]

Emma Leroy:
[in her kitchen] How did you get in here?

Karen Pelly:
I figured if I knocked you'd ask me who it was, and when I said who it was you wouldn't let me in.

Emma Leroy:
Don't be silly.

Karen Pelly:
I get the feeling you're mad at me for something.

Emma Leroy:
Don't be foolish.

Karen Pelly:
I think I might have upset you somehow.

Emma Leroy:
Don't be a thieving, conniving wench.

Karen Pelly:
Pardon?

Emma Leroy:
I mean silly.

Fitzy:
We can't have a pie contest without a judge. We tried last year. There was a fist fight.

Hank Yarbo:
Do you understand English?

Lacey Burrows:
I don't know, try speaking some!

Brent LeRoy:
[about his hair] I'm going bald, Hank. These things are like lemmings.

Hank Yarbo:
Lemmings go bald?

Lacey Burrows:
Lemmings follow each other off cliffs and jump to their deaths.

Hank Yarbo:
Just 'cause they're going bald?

Lacey Burrows:
[re: Brent and his baldness] Hank, he's cracking jokes about it.

Hank Yarbo:
Those aren't jokes. Those are humourous cries for help. I mean, sure, yeah, on the outside he's all Clowny the Clown, but on the inside he's in pain. He's like Painy the Clown.

Lacey Burrows:
Painy the Clown?

[She imagines a children's party entertained by Painy the Clown]

Parent:
Sorry, Painy, but you're the worst clown we've ever seen. You're fired.

[Painy tweaks the parent's nose]

Parent:
OW! ... See? This is what I'm talking about!

Karen Pelly:
So how did Florence die, anyway?

Wanda Dollard:
Oh, uh, she died of a rare disease called Almost 100.

Davis Quinton:
Good old natural causes!

[Karen and Wanda glare at him]

Davis Quinton:
Very sad.

[Wanda has bought an odd-looking lamp]

Wanda Dollard:
It's a Roger Featherstone. The value of this stuff went through the roof after he went blind in 1903.

Hank Yarbo:
I think he made this one in 1904.

Wanda Dollard:
Because you and your nine Metallica tee shirts know a lot about style?

Brent LeRoy:
[about going bald] This stinks. Like I don't have enough face east to west, now it's pushing northward.

Lacey Burrows:
Well, maybe you could grow a beard and bolster the south.

Wanda Dollard:
[about the lamp she bought at auction] This piece is in original condition. It's worth 1,500 bucks. Guess how much I paid for it? Come on, guess how much!

Brent LeRoy:
I'm going to guess less than 1,500, or you wouldn't be this excited.

Wanda Dollard:
40 bucks! I would have gotten it for 35, but Karen yawned and the auctioneer thought she made a bid.

Lacey Burrows:
Don't let gossipy geese get your goat.

Brent LeRoy:
I'm going to need a second with that one.

Fitzy:
[meeting Lacey and Brent after Lacey has treated Brent's hair with some new shampoo] Hey Lacey. Heya, Curly, nice quaff.

Emma Leroy:
[after Hank rewires the lamp] It's worthless now!

Wanda Dollard:
You knew it was a Featherstone! Ah, I can't believe I fell for that smalesy-granny crap!

Emma Leroy:
Wait. You knew it was worth money, and you still tried to keep it from me?

Wanda Dollard:
I have a weird thing for elephants.

Emma Leroy:
You were going to rip me off.

Wanda Dollard:
You were going to rip me off! [they pause, glaring at each other, then Wanda laughs] Gees, you're a crafty old broad.

Emma Leroy:
[also smiling] I swear, you're more like me than my own son! [they hug]

Hank Yarbo:
So... you're not going to fight then?

Emma Leroy:
Not with each other.

[about a Dog Riverite who disappeared after Davis revealed he was a protected witness]

Davis Quinton:
He missed big city life. He decided to go home.

Brent LeRoy:
In the middle of the night after he burned down his own house?

Wanda Dollard:
Are you saying that you've had a bad hair day every day for 20 years?

Hank Yarbo:
At least. Why do you think I've always got that hat on my head?

Wanda Dollard:
To muffle the voices.

Davis Quinton:
We don't have to make waffles the first night. The first night we can have beans. Then in the morning we can have waffles. I brought maple syrup, but I didn't bring blueberry syrup, because I thought: "Camping: we're roughing it."

Oscar Leroy:
We're not going camping, jackass!

Davis Quinton:
Huh?

Brent LeRoy:
He said we're not going camping. Then he called you a jackass.

[Wanda, usually the cashier at Corner Gas, waits on tables at the Ruby Cafe]

Wanda Dollard:
Lacey and I were arguing over whose job was harder, so we switched.

Hank Yarbo:
You mean like on Gilligan's Island?

Wanda Dollard:
No, not like on Gilligan's Island. They didn't have jobs on Gilligan's Island.

Hank Yarbo:
Well, they did on that episode where the Professor made a bamboo movie camera and Ginger made a movie. An actor's a job. So's a bamboo movie camera maker.

Wanda Dollard:
Aw, Hank, grow up. An actor's not a job.

[Davis finds out that instead of camping, Oscar and Brent merely go to the city and split up for 3 days]

Davis Quinton:
What do you do in the city?

Oscar Leroy:
I go to the library and read magazines. I got my library buddies there.

Brent LeRoy:
Those guys are hoboes.

Oscar Leroy:
Hoboes ride trains! These guys are intellectuals: Rowdy and Patches and Shy Pete.

Brent LeRoy:
The one guy's got a top hat with no top in it. That's not a hobo?

Oscar Leroy:
Aw!

Davis Quinton:
What about you? What do you do in the city?

Brent LeRoy:
Uh...

[he imagines himself sitting at a table playing a role-playing game]

First RPG Guy:
Ha! The Dark Elf has resisted your Vorpal Sword!

Brent LeRoy:
[takes dice] Yeah? Well, I'll use the crystals of Zanothe to weaken his magic armor - huh? - show him who's vorpal! [back in the real world:]

Brent LeRoy:
I keep busy.

Hank Yarbo:
Last night I realized that as long as I don't go to bed, my good hair day never ends.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, well, that's a logical assumption. So you'll just never sleep again?

Hank Yarbo:
Well, it's either that or go back in time, and I'm months away from cracking that nut.

Oscar Leroy:
Why is this fire always putting smoke in my eyes?

Brent LeRoy:
Because it hates you.

Oscar Leroy:
[returning from his "camping" trip with Brent and Davis] We're back!

Wanda Dollard:
Did you bring me anything?

Oscar Leroy:
No.

Wanda Dollard:
I've lost interest.

Karen Pelly:
I guess the hardest part about being a police officer is having to work within a tight municipal budget.

Classmate #1:
Are you for real?

Oscar Leroy:
[about Brent & Hank] They think I'm going to get all sick and crazy, so I'm playing it up.

Emma Leroy:
The sick part.

Lacey Burrows:
And here's your hubcap full of nachos! [People start clapping but stop when they see how dirty the hubcap is]

Lacey Burrows:
[to Josh] Maybe you should have washed it first.

Josh the Cook:
Maybe you should wash your car more often.

Lacey Burrows:
Well, maybe you should... Wait. My car doesn't have hubcaps.

Oscar Leroy:
[pretending to hallucinate] Brent, Brent. Don't leave me alone with the leprechaun. I think he and the monkey are planning something.

Karen Pelly:
[looking at her speed gun as a kid runs past her] Wow, 50! [pauses] That can't be right.

Oscar Leroy:
[Brent enters the room carrying a vacuum cleaner] What's that for?

Brent Leroy:
To pump your stomach. [Oscar moans] Let's just say it's the worst case scenario.

Hank Yarbo:
Power drill's ready to go.

Brent Leroy:
Okay, second worst case scenario.

Wanda Dollard:
[discussing the way that Brent has organized the magazine rack] Then why do the gardening magazines lead into the fashion magazines?

Brent Leroy:
Plants...

Wanda Dollard:
...Implants.

Davis Quinton:
These charts are amazing.

Fitzy:
As you can see, the study shows a big increase in traffic.

Davis Quinton:
And they're so colourful!

Oscar Leroy:
This is government mind control, that's what it is. Telling you what to do. Stop here, walk, don't walk, do this, don't do that, eat your peas.

Brent Leroy:
Eat your peas?

Brent Leroy:
[about Emma] If you don't pick one of her drawings, you'll break her heart.

Wanda Dollard:
What will she break in return?

Hank Yarbo:
Don't you guys have anything better to do?

Karen Pelly:
No, not really.

Hank Yarbo:
Lacey, you've been trying to get a traffic light in this town for years.

Lacey Burrows:
Hank, I moved here 10 months ago.

Fitzy:
Look, guys, I...

Wes Humboldt:
Save it, Mr. Slick-Talking Politician.

[repeated line]

Karen Pelly:
I didn't sleep with Hank!

Karen Pelly:
Hey, uh, you don't have any of those fishing magazines, do you?

Wanda Dollard:
Hmm?

Karen Pelly:
You know, with photos of guys... fishing?

Wanda Dollard:
Are you okay?

Karen Pelly:
I didn't sleep with Hank!

Wanda Dollard:
[alarmed] What?

Karen Pelly:
I don't know what you heard, but I didn't sleep with him! Yes, maybe we... made out, and maybe it was... incredible, but I didn't sleep with Hank!

Wanda Dollard:
This is an intervention. You have a problem!

Karen Pelly:
I don't have a problem.

Wanda Dollard:
Yes, you do. You... slept with Hank.

Karen Pelly:
I didn't sleep with Hank!

Wanda Dollard:
Well then why are you telling everybody you slept with him?... Do you have a substance abuse problem?

Karen Pelly:
When he goes fishing, he's different... he talks about the string of life and the indelible eternal string...

Wanda Dollard:
Are you on something right now? Let me check your pupils.

Karen Pelly:
He was like Brad Pitt in 'A River Runs Through It'... or 'The Horse Whisperer'. He was like... the Fish Whisperer.

Wanda Dollard:
The Fish Whisperer? LISTEN TO YOU! You slept with Hank and you're not making any sense! That's why you need this intervention!

Karen Pelly:
I didn't sleep with Hank!

[echoes]

Karen Pelly:
I can't believe you're sending me in without back-up.

Davis:
It's just a fishing trip Karen.

Karen Pelly:
But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish.

Davis:
If it gets to you, you don't have to kill him, just throw him into the lake.

Karen Pelly:
I wasn't worried about the fish.

Davis:
I wasn't talking about the fish.

Emma Leroy:
I remember. You want Alphagetti.

Oscar Leroy:
If you remember, why did you bring home Dinogetti?

Emma Leroy:
What difference does it make?

Oscar Leroy:
You can't spell with dinosaurs!

Brent Leroy:
I wanted to write 'Lacey is a cow', but I couldn't find a W.

Lacey Burrows:
[enters] You don't have to do that. I took down the 'Brent is an ass' sign.

Wanda Dollard:
[disappointed] Aw!

Emma Leroy:
Oscar, can you wait outside for a second?

Oscar Leroy:
Why?

Emma Leroy:
I have to buy some... female things. [Oscar is outside almost instantly]

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
Karen, I want to show you something: the Clavet Cup, named after Archie Clavet, the greatest curler ever to come out of Dog River. Some people say Archie Clavet could slide a cup of coffee down the length of the ice, draw it dead to the button without spilling a drop. Isn't that amazing?

Constable Karen Pelly:
It's amazing that people go around saying that, yeah.

[Brent decides to split from Oscar's curling rink, or team, and form his own]

Brent Leroy:
Mom, will you come with me?

Emma Leroy:
I'm sorry, son. I'm sticking with Oscar. You dance with the one that brung you.

Oscar Leroy:
Damn right.

Emma Leroy:
No matter how disappointed you are in his dancing.

Oscar Leroy:
Damn right.

Brent Leroy:
Fine. Wanda, will you come with me?

Wanda Dollard:
You rented "Jerry Maguire" last night, didn't you?

Brent Leroy:
Yeah. Forgot to bring it back, too, but regardless, will you come with me?

Wanda Dollard:
I don't know, Brent.

Brent Leroy:
Bear in mind I sign your pay cheque.

Wanda Dollard:
Fine. I'll join you on your team.

Brent Leroy:
Yes! Thank you, Wanda. You won't regret this.

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, yeah. You complete me.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
You lost the Clavet Cup!

Constable Karen Pelly:
I didn't lose it. I'm unable to ascertain its whereabouts at this juncture.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
I taught you police mumbo jumbo. Don't try it on me!

Lacey Burrows:
I don't even know what I'm saying!

Brent Leroy:
Then our work here is done.

Brent Leroy:
[coming up with a name for his new curling team]... or Team Leroy...

Wanda Dollard:
The Next Generation.

Brent Leroy:
There might be a copyright issue.

Oscar Leroy:
[about Mertyl] Good gravy, that woman's forever getting new hips! As soon as a new model comes on the market, she's gotta have it.

Mertyl Runciman:
[in hospital, on painkillers] And the moon farthest from Jupiter has a cave on it, so there's no reason to bring a tent.

Wanda Dollard:
[about Lacey] She's still a free agent. Up the ante.

Brent Leroy:
Would you be on our team, please?

Wanda Dollard:
Good ante.

Oscar Leroy:
Do you know what the phrase 'ease up' means?

Emma Leroy:
Do you know what the phrase 'shut up' means?

Constable Karen Pelly:
[looking at the photos Wes has taken of her and the Calvet Cup] Ooh, that's a nice one! I look strong and authoritative, yet still soft and feminine, don't you think?

Wes Humboldt:
My arm hurts.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
Well, don't let your lousy policing skills get you down. Everybody does something completely moronic now and then.

Constable Karen Pelly:
Ah, you're just being nice.

Davis:
[after losing the Grey Cup tickets] Well, I'll have to go to a scalper.

Karen Pelly:
Isn't it weird for you to go to a scalper?

Davis:
Why? Because I'm a Cree man? I resent that!

Karen Pelly:
Because you're a police officer and scalping tickets is illegal.

Davis:
Oh yeah.

Lacey Burrows:
I don't think anyone's home. I wonder where they could be.

Brent Leroy:
I don't know. It's almost if there's a huge football game on in a nearby city.

Lacey Burrows:
Maybe they got there by putting some sort of fuel in their tank.

Oscar Leroy:
Holy Hell!

Lacey Burrows:
[about the new curtains in the Ruby] Would you just tell me the truth?

Hank Yarbo:
Then can I have some fries?

Lacey Burrows:
Yes.

Hank Yarbo:
Okay. It doesn't matter what this place looks like, it's attached to a gas station which looks kinda junky and bad. So everyone just expects this place to look junky and bad too. Can I have some fries now?

Lacey Burrows:
No.

Karen Pelly:
[entering the Ruby] Alright, everybody, could I have your attention? [nobody pays attention] Your attention please? [still nothing] Does anybody own a pickup truck with a cracked windshield? [everyone looks up]

Oscar Leroy:
You sure you know what you're doing?

Wanda Dollard:
Don't I look like I know what I'm doing?

Oscar Leroy:
No, that's why I'm asking.

Emma Leroy:
Is your tool belt on upside down?

Oscar Leroy:
Hi, Karen. How's your idiotic fundraiser going?

Karen Pelly:
Ah, you were right, Oscar.

Oscar Leroy:
[chuckles] If I had a nickel for every time I heard that...

Karen Pelly:
You'd have what, 5 cents?

Oscar Leroy:
I mean, I can't take much more of not using the toilet! I'm about ready to burst!

Emma Leroy:
And I have to wash my hair before bingo.

Wanda Dollard:
Well, use the kitchen sink.

Oscar Leroy:
Good idea.

Emma Leroy:
She meant me. And I can't use the sink, you shut off all the water to the house!

Wanda Dollard:
I did? Cool!

Karen Pelly:
Davis is out?

Hank Yarbo:
Well, that's not really for me to say...

Karen Pelly:
No, out of jail!

Lacey Burrows:
The reek? Now what is wrong with a little citrus, bramble berry, eucalyptus potpourri?

Brent Leroy:
I don't know what those words mean. Except citrus. That means oranges.

[about some friends who divorced]

Emma Leroy:
Well, Barb said it was the constant bickering that got to her.

Oscar Leroy:
They never bickered! Tom always paid full price.

Brent LeRoy:
That's dickering.

Oscar Leroy:
I thought that was bickering.

Brent LeRoy:
It's dickering.

Wanda Dollard:
Now you're bickering about dickering.

Hank Yarbo:
What's a fondue?

Lacey Burrows:
Melted sauce.

Hank Yarbo:
Oh. I thought it was French for something.

Karen Pelly:
It is. Melted sauce, i.e. fondue.

Davis Quinton:
Ooh! I eat fondue!

Karen Pelly:
Not "I eat", "i.e." It's Latin.

Hank Yarbo:
I thought you said it was French.

Karen Pelly:
Fondue is French.

Ted:
Did someone say fondue?

Lacey Burrows:
Just about everyone has.

Pam:
I didn't say it.

Hank Yarbo:
What?

Pam:
Fondue.

Karen Pelly:
Okay, that's everybody.

Oscar Leroy:
Emma's losing it. Fluffing pillows, giving me drinks.

Wanda Dollard:
Heartless hag.

Oscar Leroy:
This morning she wanted to go for a walk! Honest to God, a walk!

Wanda Dollard:
With you? That is weird.

Oscar Leroy:
What do you mean? Oh, I get it! You're saying someone wouldn't want to walk with me. That's funny!

Wanda Dollard:
Well, thanks, but if you look deeper, you'll find it was insulting.

Oscar Leroy:
Aw, no harm done.

Wanda Dollard:
I'll try harder.

Hank Yarbo:
I like fondue. It tastes a lot like cheese.

[Wanda worries about Oscar's attraction to her]

Wanda Dollard:
Maybe I'm losing my edge.

Lacey Burrows:
Are you kidding? You are as caustic as ever.

Wanda Dollard:
You're just saying that.

Pam:
[cheerfully] I find you very abrasive.

Wanda Dollard:
[flattered] Aw, shut up!

Brent LeRoy:
[to Kyle, his job shadow]... and that is how you stack wiper fluid. The important thing is not to get intimidated by all the stuff that I know.

Brent LeRoy:
[referring to an 'Out of Order' sign on one of the petrol pumps] Oh, Hank wrote that.

Emma Leroy:
Really? I'm impressed. A lot of those letters are from the alphabet.

Hank Yarbo:
I had a dream about your mom.

Brent LeRoy:
You have five seonds to make my skin stop crawling.

Oscar Leroy:
I can't find the Senior's Beat column. Where's that stupid woman's column?

Emma Leroy:
Her obituary is on the front page.

Oscar Leroy:
Oh, she's writing those now? Good for her!

Brent Leroy:
Say "Hot Hawaiian Hula-Hoops".

Wanda Dollard:
Quit trying to eat my breath!

Lacey Burrows:
[after she makes Josh Employee of the Month] Hey Josharoo.

Josh the Cook:
Hey Lacearoo.

Brent Leroy:
I think I'm going to lose my luncharoo.

Fitzy's Grandma:
Would you like to join our club? We're the Knit-Wits.

Hank Yarbo:
Oh yeah? What'd ya do?

Fitzy's Grandma:
We knit.

Lacey Burrows:
[Brent's upset after Lacey makes Josh employee of the month] You don't understand. Josh was whining about the whole employee appreciation thing. [cut to her talk with Josh] Phil is not that great of a boss, you know? I'm a better boss than he is. I'm a pretty good boss, right? Hey, how'd you like it if I made you employee of the month? [Josh just shrugs and nods]

Hank Yarbo:
And this time I thought you didn't like me.

Fitzy's Grandma:
Well, we're not crazy about you, but you're better than Emma.

Wanda Dollard:
[in the Ruby, burps loudly] We have a winner!

Oscar Leroy:
Horror movies are stupid. Name one good horror movie you've seen.

Brent LeRoy:
I can't.

Oscar Leroy:
See? They're all stupid.

Brent LeRoy:
No. I just haven't seen one.

Emma Leroy:
Oh, you haven't lived until you've seen power tools cut a teenager in half.

Brent LeRoy:
I took shop class.

[Hank, who doesn't have a wallet, has been searching for his debit card to pay for Davis' lunch]

Davis Quinton:
You were out there rooting around in your truck for 10 minutes. If you do that five times a day, multiply that by 365 days for 36 years, you'd have wasted 12 years of your life.

Hank Yarbo:
12 years?

Davis Quinton:
Or is it 12 days?

Hank Yarbo:
Man, that's 12 years I can't get back!

Davis Quinton:
I don't think I carried the 4.

Hank Yarbo:
Birth to grade 6 is gone!... Well, grade 5 twice...

Davis Quinton:
Anyways, it's something you should think about.

Hank Yarbo:
Maybe I should park closer.

Davis Quinton:
Think more about it.

[Wanda tries to help Brent pick out his first horror DVD]

Wanda Dollard:
Maybe we should go with something light. Ah! How about this?

Brent LeRoy:
Scream Fest is light? What is it, a romantic romp?

Wanda Dollard:
How about Hell Train? Bunch of people trapped on a possessed train. Based on a true story.

Brent LeRoy:
Satan's locomotive?

Wanda Dollard:
Ah! Dr. Murderblood?

Brent LeRoy:
Is that the sequel to Mr. Murderblood Goes to Medical School?

Wanda Dollard:
Okay. You really don't want to do this, do you?

Brent LeRoy:
[picks up another DVD] Hey! Garfield!

Emma Leroy:
I like your sunglasses.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, thank you! They're Karen's, actually. I can borrow her stuff. She can borrow my stuff. I guess we have what you'd call a "don't ask" policy.

Oscar Leroy:
Like the military?

Lacey Burrows:
Not exactly.

[Oscar, Emma, Wanda, Karen, and Brent watch a slasher DVD]

Oscar Leroy:
Who's that guy?... Why's he getting out of the truck?... Is that his cabin or her cabin?... What do you think a place like that'd go for?

Wanda Dollard:
All good questions, Oscar. Why don't you close your eyes and think about them for a while?

Karen Pelly:
[to characters in the movie] Ooh, don't go in there!

Wanda Dollard:
I betcha a cat's gonna jump out.

Brent LeRoy:
A cat? When?

Emma Leroy:
We don't know when.

Brent LeRoy:
Why do cats gotta jump out at people all the time?

Wanda Dollard:
Here, kitty, kitty...

[a loud noise on the soundtrack; everyone cringes]

Wanda Dollard:
...or buzz saw.

Brent LeRoy:
I'm just glad it wasn't a cat.

Hank Yarbo:
[to Lacey, while Davis is stealing his fries] Sometimes, the easiest crimes to commit happen right in front of your eyes. Makes you feel like an idiot, huh?

Karen Pelly:
What happened to my computer?

Davis Quinton:
What do you think happened to your computer? [cut to the Ruby]

Hank Yarbo:
[pulling Karen's laptop from his pants] Anybody need a laptop? [cut back]

Davis Quinton:
No. Lacey took it.

Davis Quinton:
[after Lacey borrows the police car and speeds off with the sirens blaring; to Karen] Hey! You never let me use the sirens.

Karen Pelly:
I'm looking for my footbag.

Oscar Leroy:
It's called a sock, Einstein!

Karen Pelly:
Look at my footbag! I could do this forever!

Davis Quinton:
I don't like that footbag. Lennie on 'Law & Order', he wouldn't hackey-sack.

Karen Pelly:
...All in the knee...

Davis Quinton:
That other guy on 'Law & Order'... he might hackey-sack...

Hank Yarbo:
The hunter has become the hunted! The fox has become... the fox... that has caught... itself?

Brent Leroy:
I'm not up on that new stuff.

Wanda Dollard:
You're not up on it or you're not into it?

Brent Leroy:
I may be into it if I was up on it, but I'm not up on it, so I'm not into it. What I'm into, I'm up on.

Lacey Burrows:
I'm mostly into what I'm up on, but even though I'm not up on the new stuff, I'm sort of into it.

Brent Leroy:
I'm down with that.

Wanda Dollard:
Prepositions are fun, aren't they?

Brent Leroy:
What's a preposition?

Brent Leroy:
[after Oscar finds a pair of pants by the side of the road] Gees, I hope it's not genetic.

Wanda Dollard:
Are you kidding? You're getting more like him every day.

Brent Leroy:
Oh, don't be a jackass.

Karen Pelly:
[after her footbag has gone missing] Oh, I get it. You guys didn't take it. So, you don't mind if I, er, look for it... back here! [ducks down behind Wanda]

Wanda Dollard:
Ooh, look but don't touch.

[Brent is on "staycation", i.e. sitting in front of Corner Gas imagining he's somewhere else]

Lacey Burrows:
I need an explanation... Well, you, you at least need to talk to me, because it's just plain rude to just sit there and ...

Brent LeRoy:
Dear Lacey: I hope this post card finds you well.

Lacey Burrows:
What are you doing?

Brent LeRoy:
I've spent the last few days in Aruba.

Lacey Burrows:
What, you're a verbal post card now?

Brent LeRoy:
As I'm not in Dog River right now, I can't speak to you directly. I know this must seem foolish to you, but I've never been one to bow to peer pressure... well, except for when I had that cigarette in high school... and wearing rugby pants in the eighties. I don't know... Anyway, I wish you were here in person so I could tell you this directly.

Lacey Burrows:
I am there. I mean, I'm here. You're here.

Brent LeRoy:
I must sign off now. We're about to land in Madrid, and Kyle, our flight attendant, has demanded I put my table tray in its upright position. He's a saucy one! See you soon. Hola! Brent.

Emma Leroy:
Check your e-mail.

Oscar Leroy:
Fine... What do you do?

Emma Leroy:
Here. [she presses a key on the computer; he reads the e-mail message she sent him]

Oscar Leroy:
Oh, yeah... What do you mean, you're going out? [He writes a return message; she reads it]

Emma Leroy:
Make your own lunch. [she writes; he reads]

Oscar Leroy:
I know what a sandwich is! [he writes; she reads]

Emma Leroy:
It's in the tin box that says "BREAD" on it. [she writes; he reads]

Oscar Leroy:
Watch your language, Emma! You're going to get us kicked off the Internet!

Lacey Burrows:
Do you ever imagine yourself traveling somewhere you're not?

Hank Yarbo:
No. I can't pull it off. I've tried. I've, uh, pictured myself on an island, and then I imagine some pretty girl rubbing oil on my back, and then I imagine her boyfriend pounding my face in, and then I imagine I'm suddenly made out of steel and a laser gun grows out of my shoulder and I start shooting at the guy.

Lacey Burrows:
That's what you imagine every time?

Hank Yarbo:
Oh, no. Sometimes a bazooka comes out of my chest.

Oscar Leroy:
Did you get my funny e-mail?

Wanda Dollard:
No.

Oscar Leroy:
I sent you a bunch of them.

Wanda Dollard:
I know... but none of them are funny.

Oscar Leroy:
They're LOL!

Wanda Dollard:
Lame out loud? And could you stop sending them to me? The attachments are clogging up my inbox.

Oscar Leroy:
That's probably because you hooked your hard drive into the protocol and then used the bytes to spam it off the Internet.

Wanda Dollard:
How are we ever going to know when you actually do lose your mind?

Wanda Dollard:
[confronting Brent on his "staycation"; Lacey tries to stop her] Dear Brent: I know you're on vacation, but if you get a chance, maybe in between your pedicure and your mud bath, you can fix the debit machine like you said you would. All the best. Wanda.

Brent LeRoy:
Dear Wanda: You can do it. Sincerely, Brent.

Wanda Dollard:
Dear Brent: I don't have the pass codes to fix the machines, do I? P.S.: Your shirt's ugly.

Hank Yarbo:
[joining them] Dear Brent: If you were any kind of pal, you'd bring me over there with you instead of leaving me here.

Brent LeRoy:
Dear Hank: If I wanted you here, I would have stayed there.

Hank Yarbo:
Dear Brent: You suck out loud! [he leaves]

Wanda Dollard:
P.S.: You've got pasty white chicken legs. [she leaves]

Brent LeRoy:
Dear Lacey: I can't help but get the feeling you've ruined a good thing. Wish you were here so I could thank you in person.

Lacey Burrows:
[about the virtual pet she has found] Oh, it's barking. Why is it barking?

Davis Quinton:
It probably wants you to get me my coffee.

Fitzy:
[drawing the meat raffle] Okay, the winning number is...

Oscar Leroy:
Everybody shut up!

Fitzy:
675!

Oscar Leroy:
I said shut up!

Lacey Burrows:
[about Darren the virtual pet] No, he doesn't have to go to the bathroom. Darren, what do you need? [behind her, Josh dings the bell] Now he's dinging. What does that mean?

Brent Leroy:
You borrowed a snowsuit off Fitzy for a lame gag?

Hank Yarbo:
And his long underwear. [Brent just stares at him] What? I commit to a joke.

Wanda Dollard:
[about Darren] He was a big, fat, happy horse-dog.

Davis Quinton:
[sitting in the police car, looking through Oscar and Emma's window with a pair of binoculars to make sure they're not eating his and Karen's meat] I can't tell.

Karen Pelly:
Ah, here, let me see! [takes the binoculars] Whoa, she is hairy!

Davis Quinton:
Wrong house. That's Mertyl. [he moves the binoculars, Karen sees Emma standing at the window with her own pair of binoculars]

Karen Pelly:
I think they're on to us! [they both throw their seats back so they can't be seen]

Karen Pelly:
It's just I've never won anything before!

Emma Leroy:
Stop saying that.

Oscar Leroy:
[to Karen and Davis] How dare you!

Emma Leroy:
Stop saying that!

Brent Leroy:
[on the phone] A week? We can't wait a week to get this fixed, my buddy's got a pound cake baking in his long-johns! [pauses] Whattya mean, what does that mean? Pound cake, baking, long-johns, what part don't you...? Hello?

Wanda Dollard:
[about the virtual pet she's revived] He's still Darren, he's just a new Darren. Like on Bewitched.

Oscar Leroy:
These sausages are great!

Karen Pelly:
How dare you.

Pet Man:
We were here this morning, and we think we left a little virtual pet toy here. Have you seen it?

Lacey Burrows:
Um, no. [laughs nervously] No. Wanda? Have you seen a virtual, um, er... what do you call it?

Pet Man:
Pet.

Wanda Dollard:
Oh, is it kinda like a blue key-chain thing?

Pet Man:
Yes.

Wanda Dollard:
Haven't seen it.

Josh the Cook:
[coming out of the kitchen] Here it is.

Lacey Burrows:
Thanks, Josh.

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, thanks, Josh.

Lacey Burrows:
What is a Dog River Christmas like, anyway? I bet it's great!

Wanda Dollard:
Oh, there's snow, and, um... um... uh...

Brent LeRoy:
Wind. Sometimes it's windy.

Wanda Dollard:
Cold, usually.

Brent LeRoy:
And then we eat.

Lacey Burrows:
Careful not to build it up too much.

[about "Chew-Bot," the toy Wanda got for her son's Christmas present, a half-goat, half-robot action figure]

Wanda Dollard:
Trans-Farmers. They're the hottest thing out there. All the stores sold out of them months ago.

Brent LeRoy:
How'd you get one?

Wanda Dollard:
Well, it was just a matter of analyzing the market data, spotting a trend...

[flashback:
Wanda wrestles with a fellow shopper for the last remaining Chew-Bot]

Wanda Dollard:
Back off or you'll be sucking your Christmas turkey through a tube!

Hank Yarbo:
[to Karen and Davis] Hey, d'you guys ever thought about giving to the less fortunate?

Karen Pelly:
We're not lending you money.

Hank Yarbo:
No. I was thinking we could all get together and raise money for a family in need.

Karen Pelly:
We're not lending your family money, Hank.

[at the Regina airport]

Lacey Burrows:
...so I wanted to stay in Dog River for Christmas, but I haven't seen my family in Toronto for so long.

The Regina Official:
So you made a call.

Lacey Burrows:
They called me.

The Regina Official:
No. I mean you made a call.

Lacey Burrows:
I don't follow.

The Regina Official:
A decision. You made a call.

Lacey Burrows:
Yeah, I guess.

The Regina Official:
Well, right now Toronto's completely snowed in. We had to cancel that flight. We had to make that call.

Lacey Burrows:
You made the call?

The Regina Official:
Oh, no. The airline made the call. I don't make calls. I mean, I could make a call like if they wanted me to call somebody. But, no, this kind of call is their call. They make the call and then they call me.

Wanda Dollard:
At first it's a goat. But then when there's trouble, it's a robot! And when there's real trouble...

[the toy goat's head accidentally pops off]

Brent LeRoy:
Oh, cool! The head comes off!

Wanda Dollard:
The head came off!

Brent LeRoy:
Oh. The head's not supposed to come off.

Wanda Dollard:
[trying to reattach the head] No, no, no, no!

Brent LeRoy:
Well, they don't build robot goats like they used to.

Karen Pelly:
This charity thing at Christmas is great. I don't know why somebody didn't think of it before.

Davis Quinton:
It does give you a good feeling, doesn't it?

Karen Pelly:
But what I like is it's so convenient. Instead of running around buying everybody gifts, I just help out the poor family. I don't have to worry about sizes or colours. I just help out the poor family. It doesn't even have to be good, because for them, anything is good. They're a poor family.

[Hank stores donated gifts at Corner Gas]

Wanda Dollard:
That's Chew-Bot!

Hank Yarbo:
Well, you can't have this one. This one's for needy people.

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah? Well, right now I'm needing it! [She lunges for it; Brent grabs her]

Brent LeRoy:
Whoa, Wanda! Come on! You can't do that! It's for poor people and it's Christmas!

Wanda Dollard:
You're right. Stupid poor people.

Hank Yarbo:
How's Christmas at the Leroy home?

Brent LeRoy:
Terrible. Mom's making real food right on the stove. They've got a new tree. It's made out of wood. Wood!

Wanda Dollard:
[dryly] This could be the worst Christmas ever.

Davis Quinton:
[discussing what Lacey's contribution to the time capsule should be] Hey, how about that mug?

Lacey Burrows:
You think that my personality is encapsulated by a mug?

Davis Quinton:
Not A mug. THAT mug.

Brent Leroy:
[about getting Oscar to help out at Corner Gas] I understand it's an odd request. Especially getting him to work here for free.

Wanda Dollard:
You got me to work here for almost free.

Brent Leroy:
You almost work.

Oscar Leroy:
Why are all the gums sugar free?

Brent Leroy:
You tell me, commies or hippies?

Karen Pelly:
[the phone starts ringing at the police station, Karen just looks at it as she continues to polish mugs] I suppose I should get that.

Davis Quinton:
[shrugs] Up to you.

Karen Pelly:
[finally answers phone] What? I mean, Dog River Police.

Brent Leroy:
Well, I hate to say I told you so...

Lacey Burrows:
Do you? Because I'm not really getting that feeling.

Davis Quinton:
We want to buy some liquid dish soap.

Oscar Leroy:
Licky disco?

Emma Leroy:
[about Oscar] His weirdness keeps me sane.

Wanda Dollard:
You and I are very different people.

Lacey Burrows:
[after Wanda has introduced her, Davis and Karen to her cousin, Nora] That was weird.

Davis Quinton:
Yeah. Who names their kid Nora?

Lacey Burrows:
No! She introduced Davis as a friend, and you as a friend, and me just as Lacey.

Karen Pelly:
That is weird. Davis and Wanda aren't friends.

Davis Quinton:
We're not?

Lacey Burrows:
I mean, why wouldn't she introduce me as her friend? You know?

Davis Quinton:
Maybe you're not Wanda's friend. I just found out I'm not.

Wanda Dollard:
[to Hank] You're ahead an hour? What's the future like? Do I get replaced by a robot?

Brent Leroy:
How do we know you're not already a robot?

Wanda Dollard:
That's ridiculous. Foolish human.

Lacey Burrows:
[after Hank explains why he's now 3 hours ahead] You know, Hank, I try to stick up for you, but you make it so hard.

Hank Yarbo:
I appreciate the effort.

Lacey Burrows:
[trying to get Wanda to say they're friends] What do you call those people who call you just to chat?

Wanda Dollard:
You don't want to know what I call them.

Wanda Dollard:
Have you noticed anything different about Lacey lately?

Karen Pelly:
Too upbeat. A little needy. Overly fastidious. Nope, same old Lacey.

Lacey Burrows:
I know this sounds silly, but I just need to hear you say I'm your friend.

Wanda Dollard:
I'm your friend.

Lacey Burrows:
I know you're my friend, but am I your friend?

Wanda Dollard:
Yes. You're a friend.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh! See, you did it again! You said 'a friend'. Technically, I could be anyone's friend. I want to be your friend.

Wanda Dollard:
You are.

Lacey Burrows:
Are what?

Wanda Dollard:
A friend?

Lacey Burrows:
No...

Wanda Dollard:
We're not friends?

Lacey Burrows:
Ah! [she leaves]

Wanda Dollard:
What a nut.

Fitzy:
[staggering into a standing position, to Lacey] A... apple juice? But I was going drink for drink with you! [he sways] I... I think I need a lift home.

Wanda Dollard:
Aw, I'll give you a lift home, buddy.

Lacey Burrows:
Unbelievable!

Wanda Dollard:
What? You got him bombed! [she puts her arm around Fitzy and pats him on the belly] Come on, slugger!

Fitzy:
[slurring his words] Wanda, you're my best friend!

Karen Pelly:
[Hank won't pay a parking ticket because, according to his time, he isn't even parked there yet] A little help here, Brent?

Brent Leroy:
Mmm. You've saved a lot of daylight moving ahead 12 hours, haven't you?

Hank Yarbo:
Sure have.

Brent Leroy:
Think how much more you'd save if you moved another 12 hours ahead.

Karen Pelly:
Yeah! It'd be like being on Australian time.

Brent Leroy:
Fair dinkum.

Emma Leroy:
[after teaching Brent how to babysit and handle children] A child's mind is their strength and their weakness.

Brent LeRoy:
You're like Yoda.

Emma Leroy:
I don't know what that means.

Brent LeRoy:
[in Dog River's extremely small library] Hey Alice, I was wondering if...

Alice:
Shh!

Brent LeRoy:
Pardon?

Alice:
[whispering] This is a library. Shh!

Brent LeRoy:
Well, we're the only ones in here.

Alice:
[whispering] I'm sorry Brent, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you don't keep it down.

Brent LeRoy:
[whispering] Okay, I was just wondering if you had a book on child psychology.

Alice:
[still whispering] On what?

Brent LeRoy:
[still whispering] Child psychology.

Alice:
[still whispering] "Jives on top of me"?

Brent LeRoy:
[sarcastically] That's right Alice, I want a book about jives on top of you.

Oscar Leroy:
Is it illegal for kids to smoke?

Davis Quinton:
[shrugs] What am I, a lawyer?

Lacey Burrows:
I feel like a glass of wine. What's your house red?

Paul Kinistino:
Not sure. [shouts to someone out back] Hey, what's it say on that bag of wine over there? No, that's ketchup, the one beside it.

Lacey Burrows:
You know what, beer's good.

Brent LeRoy:
What are you guys watching?

Hank Yarbo:
Soccer, you want in on the action? I got a good feeling about Brazil.

Brent LeRoy:
Naw, I don't know anything about soccer.

Hank Yarbo:
It's a complex sport. It took me quite sometime before I fully understood the subleties of the game.

[shouts]

Hank Yarbo:
Hey what's he doing? You can't pick up the ball and run with it like that you moron!

Paul Kinistino:
Uh... this is rugby.

[Emma is offering piano lessons]

Wanda Dollard:
You think she'll take me on?

Brent Leroy:
Take you on?

[he imagines Emma and Wanda taking each other on in a wrestling match]

Wanda Dollard:
You're going down, lady! That championship belt's mine!

Emma Leroy:
You don't know enough people to take me down, pipsqueak!

Wanda Dollard:
[as they grapple] Get ready to feel the pain!

[back in the real world:
]

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, that's what I meant. I meant take me on as a student.

Wanda Dollard:
[tunelessly playing the piano and singing] Come on, everybody! You know the words! "Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns! See how they run, see how they run... "

Lacey Burrows:
I think that's enough for now.

Wanda Dollard:
I'll tell you when it's enough.

[Hank accidentally drives his truck through Wanda's new piano]

Wanda Dollard:
[running after him] If you were not hurt in that accident, you will be when I'm done with you!

Hank Yarbo:
[gets out of his truck] I think I broke my wrist.

Wanda Dollard:
[stops running] Damn!

Oscar Leroy:
Stupid bank! Are they still calling me Omar?

Emma Leroy:
Yes, but you'll be glad to know the bank made a mistake and owes money to Omar and his wife, Elna.

Oscar Leroy:
Who's Elna?

Emma Leroy:
Some idiot who shouldn't have married Omar.

Brent Leroy:
The bed is the couch of the bedroom.

Davis Quinton:
Food for thought. Not good food, more like marshmallows or beef jerky for thought.

Karen Pelly:
[referring to Davis' new shoes] How do they feel?

Davis Quinton:
Not too shabby. Steel toe, Vulcanised rubber sole...

Karen Pelly:
Those Vulcans.

Davis Quinton:
It's not just logic with them.

Brent Leroy:
This seems like it's right up Dad's alley, but it doesn't sound like you, Mum.

Emma Leroy:
Are you kidding? Our marriage is based on revenge.

Oscar Leroy:
It's kept us together for 35 years.

Lacey Burrows:
I heard through the grapevine that you didn't want to invite me to brunch.

Brent Leroy:
Oh. Hey, did this grapevine have a green hat and glasses? Cause you might be confusing grapevine with nut bar.

Oscar Leroy:
A pen in the hand is mightier than the bush.

Lacey Burrows:
[after she's late for brunch] Well, I'm sorry, I didn't write the time down. People keep taking my pens.

Oscar Leroy:
Hey! Finders' keepers, losey Suzie.

Brent Leroy:
Yeah, that's how that goes.

Hank Yarbo:
Hey guys. I'm giving presents to my friends.

Karen Pelly:
We haven't seen them.

[Brent enters Corner Gas with his huge, vintage 1973 instant camera]

Brent LeRoy:
It works fine. It takes pictures. That's what a camera is supposed to do, isn't it?

Wanda Dollard:
Exactly. And if it comes with a matching thermos, all the better.

Brent LeRoy:
Matching thermos. Nice. You got any more wisecracks?

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah. How much gunpowder do you put in the flash tray?

Brent LeRoy:
Hilarious. Any more?

Wanda Dollard:
If you took a picture of me right now, would I come out wearing a bonnet?

Brent LeRoy:
Are you done?

Wanda Dollard:
If you point that thing at a...

Brent LeRoy:
You're done.

Hank Yarbo:
[playing on a bar trivia team with Lacey] Hey, Wanda's here. We should get her on our team. She knows everything.

Lacey Burrows:
Nobody knows everything.

Brent LeRoy:
[looking at his new digital camera] What exactly is a megapixel?

Wanda Dollard:
It determines the resolution of the image.

Karen Pelly:
Wanda, what are the house odds in roulette?

Wanda Dollard:
Straight up pays out 35 to 1, but house odds increase with double zero bets.

Hank Yarbo:
What's the capital of Canada?

Wanda Dollard:
Ask a nine year old.

Hank Yarbo:
[to Lacey] See?

[Oscar has stolen a garden gnome from next door]

Oscar Leroy:
Your mother thinks this gnome looks like me.

Brent LeRoy:
I don't think so.

Oscar Leroy:
[to Emma] See?

Brent LeRoy:
I think you look like that gnome.

Oscar Leroy:
Stop being smart!

Brent LeRoy:
[to the gnome] Oh, cool trick, Dad. I didn't even see your lips move.

Lacey:
If I start a Pilates class will you join?

Brent LeRoy:
That depends.

Lacey:
On what?

Brent LeRoy:
On what is Pilates?

Lacey:
Oh okay. Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body...

Brent LeRoy:
You lost me.

Lacey:
Oh, come on Brent. Don't you wanna unify your mind and body?

Brent LeRoy:
No, I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket!

Lacey:
I'm sorry. I've just been feeling a little oogie the past few weeks.

Brent LeRoy:
Oogie or logie?

Lacey:
Well, it started out logie, it led to oogie.

Brent LeRoy:
Logie can do that.

Oscar Leroy:
I've got a way with tools.

Emma Leroy:
So do I. I married one.

Hank Yarbo:
[Brent and Hank are wearing the same shirt] Look at us, we're identical!

Brent LeRoy:
We're not identical, I have different pants than you.

Hank Yarbo:
Yeah, I don't even wanna get into your pants.

Brent LeRoy:
You're not gonna with that kinda whining.

Brent Leroy:
[about a 50 inch TV] One of these monster's will do me til I'm 50.

Wanda Dollard:
You're not 50?

Brent Leroy:
You're not fired?

Oscar Leroy:
[about a sugar bowl] 35 years we've been married, and I'm always putting the lid on it.

Emma Leroy:
I wish you would put a lid on it.

Brent Leroy:
[looking at Lacey's pedant] Wow, nice rock. Who you trying to impress?

Lacey Burrows:
Well, Wanda, but I don't think she noticed.

Brent Leroy:
Maybe you should send her flowers instead.

Fitzy:
And then he said he's not proud. He's lost his pride.

Hank Yarbo:
Oh, poor Brent.

Davis Quinton:
He's not poor!

Emma Leroy:
God. What is this?

Oscar Leroy:
I'm naked.

Emma Leroy:
Well, I didn't think you were holding a wrinkly purse.

[Oscar and Davis start their own social club]

Karen Pelly:
Can I join?

Oscar Leroy:
Men only.

Karen Pelly:
You let Davis in.

Oscar Leroy:
Good point.

Davis Quinton:
Hey!

Brent Leroy:
[about Lacey's chicken Kiev] You've gotta have it. It's like an angel crapped on your plate.

Hank Yarbo:
[showing off his toy robot] Yarby waved hi to you, Wanda.

Wanda Dollard:
Yarby?

Hank Yarbo:
That's what I named him. You know where that name came from?

Wanda Dollard:
An underdeveloped brain?

Oscar Leroy:
Get back! Bees! Bees!

Karen Pelly:
Thieves?

Oscar Leroy:
Bees!

Karen Pelly:
Peas?

Oscar Leroy:
Bees!

Karen Pelly:
Cheese?

Oscar Leroy:
Bees!

Karen Pelly:
I know. I'm just messing with you. Don't worry. We'll get rid of those fleas.

Oscar Leroy:
Bees!

Davis Quinton:
I hate to brag, but I just bought the robot to end all robots. I'll give you a hint: Artoo!

Hank Yarbo:
[bemused] Uh huh?

Davis Quinton:
Detoo!

Hank Yarbo:
[still bemused] Uh huh?

Davis Quinton:
Artoo Detoo!

Hank Yarbo:
Cool! You got an Artoo Detoo?

Davis Quinton:
Not an Artoo Detoo. The Artoo Detoo from a little movie called The Star Wars.

Hank Yarbo:
It's just Star Wars.

Davis Quinton:
Yeah, but originally it was ca - I don't want to get into this again.

Oscar Leroy:
[Wanda hesitates before taking out a beehive] Come on, get stung already! Hit it with a pitchfork!

Wanda Dollard:
I've got to find out what kind of bees these are. It's just a simple matter of cross-referencing the structure of the thorax with the pattern on the abdomen... if they'd stop squirming around for two seconds!

Karen Pelly:
[near the police car] Are you cutting a hole in the trunk for Artoo Detoo?

Davis Quinton:
He can ride with us! GPS? Don't need it anymore. Artoo Detoo! Phones? Don't need 'em. Artoo Detoo! We can send holographic messages to each other!

Karen Pelly:
Why would we want to do that?

[Davis imagines Artoo projecting a holographic image of Karen in the police station]

Karen Pelly:
Davis, you're my only hope! I need to borrow your stapler!... Davis, you're my only hope! I need to borrow your stapler!

[back in the real world:
]

Karen Pelly:
Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to transfer, where are the forms?

Wanda Dollard:
How come she gets a CD and I don't? I like music.

Davis Quinton:
You want me to make you a CD? [he leans in] Are you ready for it? [he leans in further] Are you ready for a Davis disc?

Wanda Dollard:
I'm ready for you to back up a bit.

Karen Pelly:
Mrs. Carmichael? It's Officer Karen Pelly.

Mrs. Carmichael:
I didn't know the watch was his. I can't see well.

Wanda Dollard:
[to Davis] Oh, I've been studying you silently for a long time. This CD has been years in the making. [cut to her sitting at her laptop] Shuffle, burn, done!

Brent Leroy:
I'm Saskaman, super Rider fan!

Hank Yarbo:
You're Saskajerk, super jerky man.

Fitzy:
Davis says you're good at mixing CDs. Can you mix me one?

Wanda Dollard:
Oh, I don't know if I'd use the word 'artist'...

Fitzy:
I didn't say artist.

Lacey Burrows:
Hey, I got saddled with writing a blurb for the town plaque. Do you guys know how Dog River got its name?

Constable Karen Pelly:
It's Dog River because from way up in the sky the river is shaped like a dog's leg, so the pioneers called it Dog River.

Lacey Burrows:
The pioneers had an aerial view?

Constable Karen Pelly:
Oh, yeah. They built aerial silos with... okay, I made it up.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
Well, it's simple, Lacey. The first Europeans to settle the area called it Dagsarivija after their village in the old country. Some northern European language.

Lacey Burrows:
Danish?

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
No, thanks. I had breakfast at home.

[Oscar thinks a famous country singer stole a song idea from him]

Oscar Leroy:
Listen, I pay your taxes! I want you to go to that concert and arrest Dewey Macleod!

Constable Karen Pelly:
Sorry, Oscar. You waited too long to report any malfeasance.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
Yeah. Plus it never happened.

Constable Karen Pelly:
Plus copyright infringement is a civil matter.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
Plus Saskatoon's out of our jurisdiction.

Oscar Leroy:
Stupid pluses!

[Thunderface - Brent, Wanda, and Hank's high school rock band - rehearses for the first time since 1986]

Hank Yarbo:
That is so totally awesome to play again! Totally awesome!

Wanda Dollard:
He is totally saying "awesome" too much.

Brent LeRoy:
I know. Gag me.

Lacey Burrows:
How did Dog River get its name?

Emma Leroy:
Oh, I think I heard something about that once, but I don't remember it.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh. I want to put it on the town plaque.

Emma Leroy:
Oh, really? You don't want to bother with that. It's a dull story.

Lacey Burrows:
I thought you said you couldn't remember it.

Emma Leroy:
I don't. That's how dull it is.

[Thunderface plays at the hotel bar]

Oscar Leroy:
Not my cup of tea.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
Not a fan of rock and roll, eh?

Oscar Leroy:
It's just too derivative of the heavy glam rock of the '80s.

Emma Leroy:
Totally!

Oscar Leroy:
Play some B.T.O. or something!

Brent LeRoy:
You know what's really depressing?

Wanda Dollard:
That I just agreed with Hank about something?

Brent LeRoy:
That's peculiar and unnerving.

Oscar Leroy:
[talking about the song that he wrote that apparently a country singer has stolen off him] Mona the Monkey? Errol the Squirrel?

Lacey Burrows:
Casper the Ghost, Dennis the Menace.

Constable Karen Pelly:
Tony the Tiger.

Sergeant Davis Quinton:
Winnie the Pooh.

Lacey Burrows:
Soup of the day.

Oscar Leroy:
You're all smart! Maybe Tony the Pooh doesn't know when he's being ripped off. You ever think about that?

Lacey Burrows:
Maybe just half a cup for you today.

Brent LeRoy:
[to Hank] Let me guess: you're broke.

Hank Yarbo:
What makes you say that?

Wanda Dollard:
Because you're staring at the cash the way Hank stares at cash. [pauses] Oh my God. You've become your own metaphor.

Lacey Burrows:
[about Thunderface] I thought you said they were good.

Paul:
No, I said I loved them. They're hysterical!

Hank Yarbo:
[after Davis unplugs their amps] Hey, what are you doing, man? That's the thing that makes us loud!

Wanda Dollard:
Well, don't lost him with the technical mumbo-jumbo.

Oscar Leroy:
Why do you suddenly want to learn guitar?

Brent Leroy:
You are aware I was the lead guitarist in a band all through high school.

Oscar Leroy:
And now you want to learn how to play the thing? You should have thought about that back then when it could have done some good.

Brent Leroy:
Thanks. Oh, by the way, the Father of the Year committee called. It's between you and Fred MacMurray.

Davis Quinton:
Hew, Wanda, I'm going into the city. Do you want anything?

Wanda Dollard:
Oh. Well, sure, if it's no trouble. Could you swing by the Salon de Bon Sant? and pick me up some organic hypoallergenic tea-tree emulsifying conditioner?

Davis Quinton:
I have no idea what you just asked me to do, but sure.

Oscar Leroy:
[to the father of Brent's guitar teacher] Tell your kid to stop filling my kid's head with rock 'n' roll dreams!

Mr. Dillems:
Who's your kid?

Oscar Leroy:
Brent! The big one. Big head. This high, this wide. Wears jeans.

Mr. Dillems:
Oh, the beginner? I always thought he was weird, but now that I see his old man, it all makes sense.

Oscar Leroy:
What's that supposed to mean?

Mr. Dillems:
It means you're a nutcase, and I don't want you or your weirdo son taking lessons from my kid.

Oscar Leroy:
Well, I won't let my kid hang out with your kid, because your kid has a jackass for a father and comes from a long line of jackasses!

Mr. Dillems:
You can't insult my whole family like that!

Oscar Leroy:
Your whole jackass family!

[before lifting a bag of grass seed, Hank takes some quick, deep breaths]

Emma Leroy:
How far apart are the contractions?

Lacey Burrows:
Hank's short on cash and the paper boy industry is being taken over by twelve-year-olds.

Brent Leroy:
What's next, dogs chasing cats?

Hank Yarbo:
I lost my part-time job delivering papers.

Brent Leroy:
Oh, why'd they give you the boot?

Hank Yarbo:
Ah, something about lack of focus, reliability... it's kind of fuzzy.

Lacey Burrows:
I didn't know they delivered the Howler.

Hank Yarbo:
No, it was one of those big-city ones... The Globe & Post, or The Post & Beam... National Stick... I can't remember.

Vicki Gabereau:
Well, I'm with the world famous cartoonist, Brent Leroy. Tell me, Brent, is this the best your imagination can come up with, being on the Vicki Gabereau Show?

Brent Leroy:
What? I love your show!

Vicki Gabereau:
But this isn't even my set.

Brent Leroy:
Oh, this is all just in my head.

Vicki Gabereau:
Uh-huh. Well, your imagination sucks. I'm getting a coffee. [she leaves]

[Lacey's tip jars are empty]

Lacey Burrows:
What's wrong with trees?

Hank Yarbo:
Dogs pee on 'em, they get sap on your clothes, you gotta rake up their leaves, they don't make any sound when they fall in the forest... no one trusts them.

Lacey Burrows:
Did you fall out of one? Maybe at an early age?

Hank Yarbo:
Let's not make this personal. Trees suck, is all.

Emma Leroy:
You're delivering papers? Wow, Oscar, I'm feeling something for you I've never felt before.

Oscar Leroy:
Pride?

Emma Leroy:
Pity.

[Oscar is delivering papers]

Emma Leroy:
You're going to be out of the house all morning, every morning?

Oscar Leroy:
Damn straight.

Emma Leroy:
Chase your dreams, Oscar.

Lacey Burrows:
What do you think of the trivia section?

Hank Yarbo:
There's an air of triviality to it.

Lacey Burrows:
Makes you think, though. I mean, Brent's cartoon is funny but who knew that Saskatchewan was bigger than the entire country of Sweden?

[cut to the office of the Premier of Saskatchewan]

Lorne Calvert:
So what do you think of that, Sweden?

Wanda Dollard:
Nice haul. I wish I got tips.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, well... I work in the service industry.

Wanda Dollard:
I work at a service station. A station of service.

Lacey Burrows:
Yeah, but you don't serve food.

Wanda Dollard:
You mean Gummi-Floss isn't food?

Emma Leroy:
The phone's been ringing off the hook from people who didn't get their papers.

Oscar Leroy:
Well, don't look at me, I don't know how they got our number!

Oscar Leroy:
[to Brent] You're taking the food out of my mouth. I need to feed my family!

Wanda Dollard:
He is your family.

Oscar Leroy:
You're taking the food out of your own mouth!

[as people leave tips in the question jars at the Ruby]

Hank Yarbo:
What can I say? I do good jar.

Wanda Dollard:
Just adding a little something to augment my tips.

[Brent glares at her]

Wanda Dollard:
I said *tips*.

Brent Leroy:
Hey, Dad! Good news, I'm out of the newspaper business.

Oscar Leroy:
How does that get me a red wagon?

Brent Leroy:
One sentence into the conversation, and you lost me.

[first lines of the series]

Brent LeRoy:
Want me to fill it up?

Man:
Sure. You know I've never driven across Saskatchewan before.

Brent LeRoy:
Well, you still haven't really. About halfway to go yet.

Man:
Sure is flat.

Brent LeRoy:
How do you mean?

Man:
You know, flat. Nothing to see.

Brent LeRoy:
What do you mean, like topographically? Hey Hank, this guy says Saskatchewan is flat.

Hank Yarbo:
How do you mean?

Brent LeRoy:
Topographically I guess. He says there's nothin' to see.

Hank Yarbo:
There's lots to see. There's nothin' to block your view.

Brent LeRoy:
There's lots to see. Nothin' to block your view. Like the mountains back there. They're uh... Well, what the hell? I could've sworn there was a big mountain range back there. Juttin' up into the sky all purple and majestic. I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'. Hey, it is kinda flat, thanks for pointin' that out.

Man:
You guys always this sarcastic?

Brent LeRoy:
There's nothin' else to do.

Brent LeRoy:
Don't point your pickle at me!

Hank Yarbo:
[upon seeing the changes to the coffee shop] What the hell did she do to this place?

Brent LeRoy:
Here we go. Would ya settle down Hank? It's just a little different.

Hank Yarbo:
Different? We're in the seventh circle of Hell here! Look, look at this, where's the old clear salt and pepper shakers? I mean you can't see inside these ones, how are you supposed to know which is which?

Emma Leroy:
One shaker's black and one shaker's white.

Brent LeRoy:
Take a leap of faith.

Hank Yarbo:
What if it's a trick?

Wanda Dollard:
Then shake some on your hand first.

Hank Yarbo:
That's unsanitary.

Brent LeRoy:
I've seen you eat gum off your shoe.

Hank Yarbo:
What's that got to do with anything?

Hank Yarbo:
Hey Wanda, what do you know about this Lacey?

Wanda Dollard:
I know she doesn't have cataracts, so you don't have a chance.

Brent LeRoy:
Scorch!

Hank Yarbo:
[referring to the changes to the coffee shop] I'm gonna fight this.

Emma Leroy:
It's her place, she can do what she wants with it.

Hank Yarbo:
Well, I got two words for you; boycott. I'm gonna put this place out of business.

Brent LeRoy:
Hank, if you had the power to put companies out of business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash?

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, and deodorant.

Emma Leroy:
Clean underwear.

Brent LeRoy:
Books.

Wanda Dollard:
Pants that fit.

Emma Leroy:
Nail clippers.

Brent LeRoy:
Dandruff shampoo.

Wanda Dollard:
Um... dental floss.

Emma Leroy:
Toilet paper.

Oscar Leroy:
Pick-up trucks.

Brent LeRoy:
You don't know what we're doing, do you, Dad?

Oscar Leroy:
Shut up!

Hank Yarbo:
[about Lacey] Is it so unreasonable to be curious about a new person in town? Does she have a criminal record? That's a reasonable question. Does she do drugs? That's a valid inquiry.

Brent LeRoy:
Maybe she doesn't want us in the coffee shop 'cause she's turning the whole place into a methamphetamine lab. Get the kids hooked on the meth and the crack cocaine, 'cause once they're hooked on that, you know what's next: marijuana. Then jazz music. Forget about it.

Karen Pelly:
Car 1 to Car 2. Car 1 to Car 2. Come in, Car 2.

Davis Quinton:
I'm Car 1.

Karen Pelly:
I thought I was Car 1.

Davis Quinton:
I'm always Car 1.

Karen Pelly:
Really? 'Cause my car's got a big "1" on it.

Davis Quinton:
What do you want, Karen?

Karen Pelly:
I thought whoever spoke first was Car 1.

[Brent adds video rentals to Corner Gas' services]

Oscar Leroy:
This will just confuse people. They won't know whether this is a gas station or a drive-in theater. What, are you in show business now? The gas business not good enough for you? You've got to be Ed Sullivan? "We've got a great shoooo! We've got a really big shoooo!" What the hell are you thinking?

Brent LeRoy:
I'm thinking your Ed Sullivan needs work.

Karen Pelly:
[checks read-out on her speed trap radar gun] Wow. That sparrow was doing 40.

[Oscar doesn't know how to set up his VCR, but rents "Jaws" anyway]

Brent LeRoy:
So, uh, what was your favourite part of the movie?

Oscar Leroy:
The shark parts.

Brent LeRoy:
Which, uh, which shark parts?

Oscar Leroy:
They were all pretty good. The shark in the water there, being all mean and what not.

Brent LeRoy:
Hey, did you, did you like the part where the shark fought the dinosaur?

Oscar Leroy:
Yeah, that was okay, I guess.

Brent LeRoy:
How about the part where the shark grows legs and walks up on the beach and has a sword fight with the sheriff?

Oscar Leroy:
That part was a little farfetched for my taste.

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, my favourite part was when the shark went back to his home planet. It made me cry.

Oscar Leroy:
Yeah. Choked me up too... I gotta go.

Lacey Burrows:
He must have the director's cut.

[there is a knock at the door]

Lacey:
Who is it?

Davis:
Open up ma'am, police business.

Lacey:
[opens the door] Is this official police business, or do you just want a cup of coffee?

Davis:
Do you have any on?

[Hank realizes he was born under a different astrological sign than he thought]

Hank Yarbo:
My whole life I've had the wrong personality.

Lacey Burrows:
Huh. We knew it was something.

Lacey Burrows:
[at the Ruby Caf?] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, come on. You can't quit. Who'll bus the tables?

Ruby Cook:
[his first lines of the series] Is that all you see me as? A busboy? You don't know that I've always wanted to work on a llama farm!

[He walks out]

Lacey Burrows:
Yeah? Well, be careful. They bite your fingers off.

Brent LeRoy:
Oh, that's not going to work. Danger is part of the allure of llama farming.

Lacey Burrows:
Did you know he wanted to work with llamas?

Brent LeRoy:
I didn't even know he could talk.

[Davis prepares to help Oscar retile the Leroys' roof]

Davis Quinton:
Hey, these knee pads are like hats for little elves.

Emma Leroy:
When you fall off the roof, try not to land on anything important.

[Karen shows her drawings for the bike-safety coloring book]

Lacey Burrows:
I think it's good! It's good! It reminds me of that artist, uh, um...

Brent LeRoy:
Beethoven?

Lacey Burrows:
He was a composer. He couldn't draw.

Brent LeRoy:
Exactly.

[Wands rescues Davis and Oscar from the Leroys' roof]

Wanda Dollard:
It's a good thing I had my window rolled down or I wouldn't have heard your shrill, girllike whining.

Davis Quinton:
It's not girllike. It was masculine whining.

[Hank has a new job working for the town]

Brent LeRoy:
You okay, Hank?

Hank Yarbo:
Lots of pressure. Pop Rocks, please, grape, and pop. Can, can of pop.

Karen Pelly:
Pop Rocks and pop? Won't that make your stomach explode?

Hank Yarbo:
Live free or die.

Lacey Burrows:
[to Oscar and Davis, who are on the Leroys' roof again] Hey, are you guys okay?

Davis Quinton:
[to Oscar] I don't know. Are we?

Oscar Leroy:
[to Lacey] We're fine. Just taking a break.

Lacey Burrows:
Because it looks like your ladder's knocked down.

Oscar Leroy:
We're not stuck up here, if that's what you mean.

Davis Quinton:
That's just our backup ladder.

Lacey Burrows:
Really? Because I could just pick it up.

Davis Quinton:
Leave it down, please.

Lacey Burrows:
Okay, as long as you're fine.

Oscar Leroy:
Couldn't be better.

Lacey Burrows:
Or weirder.

Fitzy:
Could one of you old ladies do the safety committee thing?

Mertyl Runciman:
[nodding towards Emma] Get dorkus to do it.

Ruby Cook:
[as a customer at the Ruby] Can I get some more coffee?

Lacey Burrows:
Oh, go farm a llama!

Karen Pelly:
Stun gun? What're you gonna do with that?

Davis Quinton:
Stun people.

Karen Pelly:
What people?

Davis Quinton:
Bad people.

Karen Pelly:
[nonplussed] Okay, then.

Hank Yarbo:
All my life I've wanted to be zapped by a Taser gun. It's just another dream I thought I'd have to give up on, like being an astronaut or voting.

Hank Yarbo:
I'm out of control! I'm freakin' out! I'm freakin' out! I'm on PCBs, man! You gotta stun me! Just put me down fast! I've got the strength of ten ordinary men! I'm freakin' out! Come on! Stun me... . Hello?

Hank Yarbo:
I want to do something about that stupid security camera. Usually I start a petition, but no one ever signs it. Or a boycott, or a hunger strike, or a town meeting, or I camp out on top of a telephone pole -

Karen Pelly:
Brent might learn a little lesson if his security camera got stolen.

Hank Yarbo:
Yeah.

Karen Pelly:
[suggestively] By someone.

Hank Yarbo:
Hmm.

Karen Pelly:
[more suggestively] Someone he trusts.

Hank Yarbo:
Yeah, I suppose.

Karen Pelly:
[even more suggestively] Someone he would never suspect.

Hank Yarbo:
[oblivious] Yeah.

Karen Pelly:
[gives up, draws him a map of the store] Plot the camera's motion and approach from a blind spot. You could pull it off... hypothetically.

Davis Quinton:
Did you tell Hank to rob Corner Gas?

Karen Pelly:
No! What? No! That's crazy talk. Hank's crazy!

Davis Quinton:
He says you practically drew him a map.

Hank Yarbo:
She literally drew me a map!

Karen Pelly:
It was a hypothetical map!

Davis Quinton:
Hello. My name's Davis Quinton. I'm auditioning for one of Lacey's security plays. For this scene, I'll be using a Taser gun instead of a real one. I think a real gun would be better, but some people think it's dangerous.

Emma Leroy:
Could you help me... stranger?

Oscar Leroy:
What seems to be the problem, you... gorgeous customer?

Emma Leroy:
[sexily] I need someone to... check under my hood.

Oscar Leroy:
Well, you're talkin' to the right guy. Come on over here.

Brent Leroy:
[as he's installing the security camera, to Lacey] Now, no more dirty talk. Hand me that big tool so I can mount this.

Lacey Burrows:
What are the odds of a riot breaking out in Dog River?

Karen Pelly:
50/50.

Lacey Burrows:
How'd you figure that?

Karen Pelly:
We either have a riot or we don't have a riot.

Davis Quinton:
You know, there's more to me than a pretty boy, tough guy cop.

Hank Yarbo:
[entering Corner Gas] Get rid of that stupid security camera yet?

Brent Leroy:
Nope.

Hank Yarbo:
Then I can no longer hang out here. [he leaves]

Brent Leroy:
[to Lacey] Thing just paid for itself.

Oscar Leroy:
I'm sorry. I tried to find something nice. I didn't know that place would be so lousy.

Emma Leroy:
It's the thought that counts.

Oscar Leroy:
Really?

Emma Leroy:
Not really, no.

Lacey Burrows:
[after Davis dramatically tells Brent that he has some bad news about his parents] He's auditioning for the security camera.

Brent Leroy:
Oh, that in no way explains it.

Karen Pelly:
Where'd you get the cash for that stun gun? I though you were gonna use the surplus to buy bullet proof vests.

Davis Quinton:
I saved a little money by buying bullet *resistant* vests.

Davis Quinton:
I've been a cop for 20 years, but I've never had to shoot anybody before. I know you're my partner, [aims his gun] but now it's time for you to... [pauses] Line?

Karen Pelly:
[who is at the other end of the gun, holding a script] Die.

Davis Quinton:
Die! Right.

Karen Pelly:
And I'd feel more comfortable if you used a prop gun instead.

Davis Quinton:
But this helps me stay in the moment.

[Wanda accompanies Brent to a laser eye surgery clinic]

Receptionist:
Mr. Leroy? The doctor will see you now.

Brent LeRoy:
Oh, so he's a doctor? That's a relief. I'll just head on in, then. [He goes into the doctor's office. Wanda starts to put on her coat]

Receptionist:
Aren't you going to wait and drive him home afterwards?

Wanda Dollard:
I'll be driving him home in about four seconds.

[Brent bolts from the office]

Brent LeRoy:
He had a model of an eye and he opened it up in half right in front of me!

Wanda Dollard:
Yeah, yeah. The humanity.

Brent Leroy:
'Buffet' is a little je ne sais quoi.

Oscar Leroy:
[at the gas pumps, looking at the sign advertising self-service] What the hell is this?

Brent Leroy:
It's a self-service option I'm offering.

Oscar Leroy:
You're a jackass.

Brent Leroy:
What's wrong with self-service?

Oscar Leroy:
I don't have to talk to you, and I pay less? [chuckles] It's perfect.

Brent Leroy:
So then why am I a jackass?

Oscar Leroy:
I don't know. You get it from your mother. Now stop talking to me, I'm doing self-service, jackass!

Lacey Burrows:
[to Brent] Gees, it's like I'm talking to Karen all of a sudden.

Karen Pelly:
Hey, I heard that!

Lacey Burrows:
Wow. And you understood, too.

Karen Pelly:
That is harsh.

Lacey Burrows:
[to Brent] I've time for insults now.

[about the attendees at a comic-book convention]

Wanda Dollard:
[to Brent] They're all middle-aged guys with glasses and no wives, no girlfriends - and you're going, aren't you?

[Police officer Davis sidelines as a home alarm salesman]

Davis Quinton:
[to Oscar and Emma] Good day, sir. Hello, ma'am. How safe do you feel in your own neighbourhood?

Emma Leroy:
I'd feel safer if we had a police department.

Davis Quinton:
There's no doubt you're a senior rookie. I know that and you know that. But we're cops. We're constantly on the move. Seconds count. I think we should drop the word "senior".

Karen Pelly:
It's two syllables. How much time is that going to save?

Davis Quinton:
It's the difference between life and death. I could be half way through saying "senior" and be shot.

Karen Pelly:
But who'd blame me?

Brent LeRoy:
[to comic book artist, holding comic book] It's kind of funny, but I forgot to get you to sign this.

Peter Moore:
Who should I make it out to?

Brent LeRoy:
[nervously] Me.

Peter Moore:
Your name?

Brent LeRoy:
Yes.

Peter Moore:
What's your name?

[Brent freezes up]

Hank Yarbo:
[whispering] Brent!

Brent LeRoy:
[to Hank] Not now!

Brent LeRoy:
[chasing Peter Moore] Just a quick autograph! I'm a big fan! I have all your comics! We could be friends! I'm not a stalker! I know your birthday!

Lacey Burrows:
[after Wanda says her group gifts suck, to Josh and Fitzy] Hey guys, wanna go in together for a...

Josh the Cook, Fitzy:
No.

Karen Pelly:
[opening a gift - a badge that says 'Senior Rookie'] Aw, thanks, Josh!

Josh the Cook:
It's from me and Fitzy.

Fitzy:
Group gift. Group hug?

Karen Pelly:
No.

Brent LeRoy:
Yeah, Wes is crazy, this coming from the man who once punched a skunk.

Oscar Leroy:
He had it coming!

Hank Yarbo:
I think what Brent is trying to say here, Wes, is that we came here for a good time. Even though you called us a bunch of nimrods.

Wes Humboldt:
I didn't call you a...

Paul:
Earlier, he called you a bunch of useless ragtags...

Hank Yarbo:
Just stay out of this, Paul! You just want us to bet so we'll buy more beer and whatnot at your place.

Paul:
Well, duh.

Hank Yarbo:
Ragtag? I don't think I like the sound of that.

Brent LeRoy:
Sticks and stones, Hank. They're just words.

Paul:
He also called you mamby-pambies.