Father Ted

Father Ted

Father Ted is a British sitcom that was produced by Hat Trick Productions for Channel 4. Written by Irish writers Arthur Mathews & Graham Linehan and starring a predominantly Irish cast, it originally aired over three series from 21 April 1995 until 1 May 1998, including a Christmas special, for a total of 25 episodes. The show aired on RTÉ Two in Ireland, and in Australia on Nine Network (series 1) and ABC Television (series 2 and 3). Set on the fictional Craggy Island, a remote location off Ireland's west coast, the show starred Dermot Morgan as the eponymous Father Ted Crilly, alongside fellow priests Father Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon) and Father Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly). Exiled on the island for various past incidents, the priests live together in the parochial house with their housekeeper Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn). The show was critically acclaimed, receiving several BAFTA awards, and remains a popular sitcom in Britain and Ireland. In 2004, it was ranked Number 11 in a poll to find Britain's Best Sitcom.

Year:
1995
7,328 Views

Mrs Doyle:
I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.

Father Ted:
Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.

Mrs Doyle:
You've never read any of her books, have you, father?

Father Ted:
Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.

Mrs Doyle:
Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!

Father Ted:
It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.

Father Ted:
[uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.

Father Ted:
[becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!

Father Ted:
I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!

Father Ted:
Is it, Mrs. Doyle?

[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]

Father Ted:
Anyway...

Mrs Doyle:
"You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.

Father Ted:
[finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.

Mrs Doyle:
[from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Father Ted Crilly:
Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding.

Father Fintan Stack:
[Smugly] Yes I am!

Father Rory Shanahan:
Well I have to say, I think you're a very rude man.

Father Fintan Stack:
[Still smug] If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

[Father Ted, Father Rory and Father Ken look uncomfortable and embarrassed. Door opens, sending beer cans everywhere. Dougal staggers in, he is drunk]

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, where did you go?

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Slurred] Ted! How are ya? [Lunges forward and hugs Ted, who pushes him away]

Father Ted Crilly:
[Shocked] Dougal, what the...

Father Dougal McGuire:
Guess what, Ted?

Father Ted Crilly:
What?

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Confused] What?

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, have you been drinking?

Father Dougal McGuire:
I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! [Puts his arm around Ted] No no, wait wait... [Winks at an amused Father Stack]... No, I haven't!

Father Ted Crilly:
Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Shaking Ted] Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. [Drunkenly unenthusiastic] We're all going to heaven lads, wahey.

Father Fintan Stack:
[Quietly amused] Perhaps I should explain. Your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

Father Ted Crilly:
[Outraged] Well, this is the last straw!

Father Dougal McGuire:
[Holding some car keys] I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... [Collapses, dropping the keys. Father Stack retrieves them]


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