I'm Alan Partridge

I'm Alan Partridge

I'm Alan Partridge is a 1997 BBC situation comedy starring Steve Coogan and written by Coogan, Peter Baynham and Armando Iannucci. It features Alan Partridge, a tactless and inept radio DJ, after he has been left by his wife and dropped from the BBC. The show follows Partridge as he lives in a roadside hotel, presents a graveyard slot on Norwich local radio, and desperately pitches ideas for new television shows. A second series followed in 2002, with Partridge now living in a static caravan after recovering from a mental breakdown. Iannucci said the writers used the sitcom as "a kind of social X-ray of male middle-aged Middle England." 12 episodes were produced. Supporting Coogan are Felicity Montagu as his faithful but timid personal assistant, Lynn Benfield; Simon Greenall as Geordie handyman Michael; and Phil Cornwell as Partridge's rival DJ Dave Clifton. The series was nominated for three BAFTAs (winning two), two British Comedy Awards (winning both), and a Royal Television Society award. In a list drawn up by the British Film Institute in 2000, voted by industry professionals, I'm Alan Partridge was named the 38th best British television series of all time.

Year:
1997
9,165 Views

[Tony Hayers has told Alan that although there won't be another series of his chat show, he'll still be open to any other ideas in future, so Alan seizes the opportunity to pitch his ideas for programs]

Alan Partridge:
[Opening a file] Right, OK. Shoestring, Taggart, Spender, Bergerac, Morse. What does that say to you about regional detective series?

Tony Hayers:
There's too many of them?

Alan Partridge:
That's one way of looking at it, another way of looking at it is, people like them, let's make some more of them. A detective series based in Norwich called "Swallow". Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. He's not a criminal, you know, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly... [Tony shakes his head] Think about it. No one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. I mean, this will put Norwich on the map.

Tony Hayers:
Why would I want to do that?

Alan Partridge:
Yep, fair point. [He turns to another page] OK, right. "Alan Attack!". Like the Cook Report, but with a more slapstick approach. [Tony shakes his head again] 'Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave'.

Tony Hayers:
I don't think so.

Alan Partridge:
Pity, because they were very keen on that one. Right, now you'll like this... "Knowing M.E., Knowing You". I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. You know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform, you've got to keep the energy up, because... [Tony shakes his head, horrified] You don't like it? That's alright, that's OK... "Inner-City Sumo".

Tony Hayers:
What's that?

Alan Partridge:
We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.

Tony Hayers:
[laughing and shaking his head] No, no, it's a bad idea.

Alan Partridge:
Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park.

Tony Hayers:
[laughing] No.

Tony Hayers:
If you don't do it, Sky will.

Alan Partridge:
Well, I'll live with that. Is that it?

Alan Partridge:
Well, no, no, um... Cooking in prison.

Tony Hayers:
[laughing] Oh, no.

Alan Partridge:
Uh, uh... "A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons".

Tony Hayers:
What's that?

Alan Partridge:
Well, it's just a title, I mean... Erm... No, uh-uh-uh, opening sequence, me, in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons, going "Oh God!"

Tony Hayers:
[Holds his hands up] No, I'm sorry, no! Stop!

Alan Partridge:
[Stammers] Erm, erm... Youth Hosteling with... Chris Eubank.

Tony Hayers:
[laughs] No! [a pause as Alan tries to think of something else]

Alan Partridge:
Monkey Tennis?

Lynn Benfield:
Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Alan Partridge:
The good news.

Lynn Benfield:
Well, Rawlinson's say you can have another fifty of the shop-soiled chocolate oranges if you plug them again tomorrow.

Alan Partridge:
Excellent. And the bad news?

Lynn Benfield:
The accountants say that since you've definitely not got a second series at the BBC you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions and close the office down. Otherwise they're going to declare you bankrupt on Friday.

Alan Partridge:
Right. Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.

Lynn Benfield:
Now, Alan, you're going to have to trade down your Rover 800 for a smaller car.

Alan Partridge:
Go on.

Lynn Benfield:
I picked up these brochures for the new Metro. It's a lovely car. And if you do...

Alan Partridge:
[Interrupting] Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro.

Lynn Benfield:
But you do have to make substantial savings.

Alan Partridge:
Lynn, I am not driving a Mini Metro.

Lynn Benfield:
But if you do, you can keep Pear Tree Productions going with a skeleton staff of two, and...

Alan Partridge:
There's no point finishing the sentence, Lynn, because I am not driving a Mini-Metro.

Lynn Benfield:
But if you...

Alan Partridge:
Lynn! I'll just speak over you. [Lynn tries to speak] No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on. [They both talk together]

Lynn Benfield:
With a skeleton staff of two...

Alan Partridge:
I'm not driving a Mini-Metro, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro.

Lynn Benfield:
No, no, no, it's different. It's called a Rover Metro now.

Alan Partridge:
They've rebadged it, you fool!

Lynn Benfield:
Well, Alan, if you want a Rover 200 you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.

Alan Partridge:
Fine.

Lynn Benfield:
Including Jill.

Alan Partridge:
Jill. Lovely Jill. She's my favourite. But fine, I'll sack her.

Alison:
Any more news, Alan?

Alan Partridge:
Er, no, just: second series in the bag, you're all on board, details to follow and, um... and who left this coffee cup here?

Jason:
Sorry, Alan, I meant to clean it last night.

Alan Partridge:
Yeah, well, that's not good enough. You're sacked.

[the others laugh, thinking it's a joke]

Jason:
What?

Alan Partridge:
I will not have uncleansed coffee cups in Pear Tree Productions. The plague started from a mal-attended surface.

Martin:
What are you doing, Alan?

Alan Partridge:
You're sacked too.

Martin:
Why?

Alan Partridge:
Because... because you do this all the time.

[to show what he means, he tuts and rolls his eyes]

Martin:
What?

[Martin does the tutting and eye-rolling thing himself]

Alan Partridge:
See, you did it again! Yeah, you're definitely sacked. Now, Alison, you are a lady, I don't want this to be unpleasant...

Alison:
Are you sacking me as well?

Alan Partridge:
Yes, I am.

Alison:
You rotten sh*t!

Alan Partridge:
Yeah, you're a rotten sh*t too, get your coat!

[Alan backs out of the door with Lynn]

Alan Partridge:
[to Lynn] Start the car.

[he shuts the door and goes to another room]

Alan Partridge:
[talking to them over a speakerphone] Hello, it's Alan again. I've locked you all in the boardroom so you don't get me. You can leave via the fire escape. We haven't got a second series, I just didn't have the guts to say that earlier. Bit like doing my radio show this, isn't it? You're listening to Up with the Partridge, A-ha. Bye!

[Alan's employees leave the building by climbing down the outside fire escape stairway]

Sonja:
"The Spy Who Loved Me" is a brilliant film. It begin in forest in Germany...

Alan Partridge:
It's Austria! Austria!

John:
What's the one where the laser beam goes up his jack...

Alan Partridge:
"Goldfinger"!

Michael:
What's the one with the, with the volcano, and it splits up and a big rocket comes out with all Chinkies jumping up and down?

Tex:
Isn't that, er, "Thunderball"?

Alan Partridge:
No. No! No! No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about "The Spy Who Loved Me". All do that with your fingers round your eye. I am Roger Moore. Bang! Blood dribbles down. We're on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling and then a man who used to be in "The Onedin Line" comes in and goes, "Why are the cups wobbling? What's going on?" And then... yeah, you can stop doing that now. And then he peers down the periscope thing and looks through it and goes, "Oh my God. The submarine's being eaten by a a giant tanker." And then we cut to Moscow. And there's a man there and he's Russian - he's got eyebrows, you know - and he's on the phone going, "What, a whole submarine? You're joking! I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!" Right, and then, and then, it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and er, yes, he's with a lady. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's necking with her. And he goes, "I've got to go, love. Something's come up."

Michael:
Aye. He means his cock.

Alan Partridge:
Anyway, then he, he, he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he gets on his skis and he starts skiing. And he's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And, er, he's just skiing along like that, and they start shooting at him, and he goes, "Right! I've had enough of that! Just stop it!" And he turns round with his gun and then he does a backward somersault off this ramp, and he, he lands on his feet - I'm not sure why, but he's not showing off. And then, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think, oh God, James Bond's going to die! He's going to die! But then at the last minute...

Michael:
He pulls a ripcord, right? And a, a, a parachute comes out and it's got a Union Jack...

Alan Partridge:
Michael! Michael!

Michael:
But that'show it ends.

Alan Partridge:
That's not the end of the beginning. The end of the beginning goes like this: glang! Glanalangalangalangalangalang! Glanalang, langalangalanga, nobody does it better - and I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun, spinning round - Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it - ooh, bit of nipple - quite as good as you. Baby, you're the best. Da, da, da - and now a really big bounce right over and I land on my feet. Da, da, da, da, da, der. I wasn't looking, so now you found me... ooh, bit of bush, er - I tried to hide from your love life - and a woman swinging on a Luger, a giant Luger; ooh, look at that... Like heaven above me - and now another naked woman walking along the top of a gun, completely Billy Bollocks... The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight - and then one more big swing from the woman; legs go right up - ooh, what was that? Too late... Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you're the best!


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