Only Fools and Horses....

Boycie:
Where d'you get those aces from?

Del Boy:
Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie.

Boycie:
Yeah, how?

Del Boy:
'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.

[after realizing Delboy was going a little bit TOO far out on the ocean on a Jet-Ski]

Rodney:
He's going a long way out!

Rico:
Yeah! But he's enjoying himself!

Rodney:
Yeah I know that but Del can't even swim.

Salavatorie:
BUT I THOUGHT HE SAID HE HAD A CERTIFICATE FOR SWIMMING!

Rodney:
Well he does... but it ain't his!

Uncle Albert:
Now. Where's my bottle of wine?

Del Boy:
Blimey. Captain Birds Eye's here in all.

Del Boy:
Are you saying I'm stupid?

Rodney:
Either that or it's the Chinese year of the dodo.

Del Boy:
I see ICI dropped a point.

Rodney:
Yeah. Chelsea dropped three on Saturday

[about making a film called "There's a Rhino loose in the city"]

Del Boy:
It's a love story and a who done it!

Rodney:
Everyone knows who done it! There's 30 dead people with Rhino tramps all over them, there's a lock up with 2 foot pile of Rhino dung and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!

Uncle Albert:
Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this!

Del Boy:
Shut up you saucy old git.

Rodney:
Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian!

Uncle Albert:
In 1959 I was in Bombay!

Del Boy:
You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction.

Uncle Albert:
But I like this kind of music!

Del Boy:
Ah! Oh yeah, look at that Rodney. It's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel.

Rodney:
[to Del] You were declared bankrupt. You have been banned from running any company from sitting on any boards or dealing with any shares. They don't even want you past the Stock Exchange on a bike! And you owe the Inland Revenue over ?50,000.

[Talking about naming Del's baby]

Trigger:
If it's a girl they're gonna name it Sigourney, after the actress. And if it's a boy they're gonna name him Rodney, after Dave.

Trigger:
What you up to Dave?

Rodney:
I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.

Trigger:
No words to this song Dave?

Rodney:
No Trigger, it's an instrumental.

Del Boy:
All right Trigger? What you doing?

Trigger:
I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.

Del Boy:
Okay.

Trigger:
It's the karaoke version.

Rodney:
Trigger what are you doing here?

Trigger:
Well Dave, Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.

Rodney:
Oh I suppose that's... Hold on, you live closer to the pub then we do?

Trigger:
Yeah I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.

Rodney:
But Trigger, you've had walk past the pub to get to our flat!

Trigger:
I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.

Del Boy:
Don't worry, Rodney. This time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Rodney:
This time last WEEK we were millionaires!

Trigger:
When we was at school Del was the best at Chemistry. He used to sell home-made fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.

Denzil:
Yes I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time.

Trigger:
Problems, Dave?

Rodney:
I don't want to talk about it Trig. You ever been wrongly accused of something?

Trigger:
Yeah once.

Rodney:
Yeah, How did you get out of it?

Trigger:
Well I didn't - I was guilty.

Boycie:
If Elsie Partridge really could raise the dead half the money lenders in Peckham would be employing her.

Rodney:
I could do with another blanket here, I'm freezing.

Del Boy:
Yeah it is a bit cold.

Uncle Albert:
Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.

Del Boy:
There's no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.

Grandad:
Did you play cards again last night?

Del Boy:
What? Yes! You know me Grandad! He who dares, wins.

Grandad:
How'd you get on?

Del Boy:
I lost.

Del Boy:
He who dares Rodney, he who dares.

Rodney:
[referring to a pile of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, Del... me and Mickey might have a problem getting these back to our depot. We come down on the Green Line, see?

Del Boy:
Right, well, your best bet would be to hire an open-backed truck.

Rodney:
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what we thought, but... we were wondering if you could take a couple in the back of the van.

Del Boy:
Back of my van? You must be joking. I've only just cleared 'em out of the van!

Rodney:
You mean you were selling 'em in the first place?

Del Boy:
Yeah. That is the rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me last week. Normally I'd never have bought it but, you know, he caught me when I was a bit non compost mentis down the one-eleven club. I never thought I'd get shot of 'em, Rodney, but you know me; he who dares wins. I actually made quite a tidy little profit on it and all.

Rodney:
And what are we supposed to do with them?

Del Boy:
Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourselves a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip.

Del Boy:
[after Uncle Albert's suggested Rodney put himself up as a hooker] Rodney can't even *give* it away, let alone flog it!

Rodney:
[talking about how to get a date with a beautiful woman] Just be yourself.

Del Boy:
Oh, leave it out, Rodney; I wanna be in with at least half a chance!

Rodney:
[after he and Mickey Pearce have bought a heap of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, you! This stuff is a load of rubbish!

Del Boy:
I know. I did try to warn you.

Rodney:
Well... yeah... but I thought ...

Del Boy:
Yeah, well, the trouble with you, Rodney, is that you will insist on thinking!

Rodney:
[Del has had a hang-gliding accident and is in a wheelchair surrounded by sympathetic well-wishers] Oh, listen to me for one minute, will you? Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus!

Del Boy:
[lunging to his feet and seizing Rodney around the neck] You listen to me, you little git! I may never walk again! I may... [realises] Though I must admit I'm getting some feeling back.

Grandad:
[Grandad is talking to an urn containing the ashes of Trigger's grandfather] I mean, I dunno why I'm even talking to you about this, Arthur, 'cause I know you can't hear me.

Del Boy:
[picking up a traffic cone and using it as a loudspeaker] That is what *you* think, Trotter!

Grandad:
Arthur? You mean... you can hear me?

Del Boy:
You're coming through louder than a CB. Rubber duck.

Grandad:
Oh, Arthur, I... I really am sorry about what happened all them years ago.

Del Boy:
Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?

Grandad:
Oh, I do, Arthur. I'd do anything to prove it to you.

Del Boy:
All right then. Tell me where your money's hidden.

Grandad:
I ain't got no money!

Del Boy:
Oh, don't give me that, you lying old git! I know you're all right for a few bob, and I want to know where it is hidden.

Grandad:
It's in me suitcase under me bed.

Del Boy:
No it ain't; I've looked.

Del Boy:
What're you doing?

Grandad:
I'm trying to get the Dukes of Hazzard.

Del Boy:
The Dukes of... That is a microwave oven, you dozy old twonk! Gordon Bennett, you'll be putting frozen pizzas into the portable next!

Rodney:
They might publish your diaries one day, Del. I reckon that could be a winner. I don't believe you sometimes! Why did you do that?

Del Boy:
He Who Dares Wins, I've always been the same!

Rodney:
Well, this time I reckon that He Who Dared cocked it right up!

Marlene:
Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad!

Uncle Albert:
Oh I didn't ask for 'em! They kept giving 'em to me!

Raquel Turner:
[to Del after seeing Del-Boy punch out her flatmate] Why the hell did you do that?

Del Boy:
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, Raquel. It's all right. You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more - Del Boy is here?

Rodney:
[whistles the opening bar to "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"]

Uncle Albert:
During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany - I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic. Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.

Del Boy:
Especially when they saw you walking up the gangplank!

Uncle Albert:
So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry. Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.

Del Boy:
I bet that cheered you all up, didn't it?

Uncle Albert:
It took their minds off the U-boats and sharks.

Del Boy:
Well, thanks for that, Unc. It's lucky your Captain Kenworthy never became a Samaritan. You wouldn't be able to get a tug under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies!

Del Boy:
[to Rodney] You uncaring little git! I could be on me last knockings here and you don't give a toss if I've got yellow fever or foot-fungus!

Mike Fisher:
[Del and Rodney are trying to sell Mike a computer] What exactly does that mean?

Del Boy:
Well it means you can... you can... tell him what it means, Rodney. [to Mike] He's taken a course in this, he came top of his class.

Rodney:
Well, in 'layman's' terms it means you can, em, well, you er, you can record all your business deals.

Mike Fisher:
I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals. So the last thing I want is to have 'em all recorded on a floppy bloody disc! I'm not interested. Ask Trigger.

Rodney:
Trigger? With a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches!

Del Boy:
[talking about one of Del's mates] That bloke's come on a bundle in the last few years. That man is at the front of new technological frontiers. He's got a Queen's Award for industry plaque and all.

Rodney:
I know. I was there when you sold it to him.

Del Boy:
[after getting off a plane in Spain for winning a contest that is not all that legit] Well, before we get checked in I have gotta tell you something Rodney. This contest isn't quite as pucker as I made it out to be.

Cassandra Parry:
Well he did win didn't he?

Rodney:
[looking at the other winners] That's strange that is.

Del Boy:
What is?

Rodney:
Well I noticed it on the plane but it didn't quite register. Their all Mum's and Dad's. They have brought their kids with them.

Del Boy:
It's not the parents who are the winners Rodder's... it's the kids. You see Rodney's painting won... in the under 15 years old category.

Cassandra Parry:
So they think Rodney's 15?

Del Boy:
Nah! No, No, No. They think your 14!

Rodney:
[pointing at Uncle Albert] Well it's his fault isn't it?

Uncle Albert:
[to Del] What's he on about now?

Del Boy:
Oh I don't bleedin know, do I?

Rodney:
Look, every single battleship, cruiser and merchant ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed of dive-bombed... and two of them in peace-time! I'm telling you Del, that man is a jinx!

Del Boy:
Oh leave it out Rodney. You'll be burning Witches next!

Del Boy:
I keep all the stuff I never intend to see in this old shed.

Uncle Albert:
Why have you got this deep sea divers suit for, Del?

Del Boy:
I bought it so you can go down and visit all the ships you sailed on you git!

Rodney:
Del, there is a drought warning over Peckham!

Del Boy:
Sit down, Rodney. Keep your brains warm.

Del Boy:
Now look Rodney, Raquel, Raquel is a lady and when a lady is ready to... well, when she's ready to, she will let me know.

Rodney:
How?

Del Boy:
Well, she'll give me a sign or something.

Rodney:
Like what?

Del Boy:
[thinks] I dunno.

Rodney:
Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport.

Raquel Turner:
Eat your breakfast, Del.

Del Boy:
[looking at the plate] I thought the doctor said all this fried stuff was bad for my veins?

Raquel Turner:
Eat your breakfast, Del!

Uncle Albert:
Your name Rodney, son?

Rodney:
Well, it is when Trigger's not about!

Uncle Albert:
[after looking at an old WW2 photo of Uncle Albert's] Just a few hours after that photo was taken we was in action.

Del Boy:
That's all you need, innit?

Uncle Albert:
There was an American aircraft-carrier, anchored off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we'd only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn't half make a noise.

Del Boy:
[incredulous] You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?

Uncle Albert:
Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors.

Rodney:
Was your ship badly damaged?

Uncle Albert:
*We* couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk! Course, they tried to put the blame on me.

Del Boy:
Sounds fair.

Uncle Albert:
Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready!

Rodney:
What, were you drunk?

Uncle Albert:
Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light. You weren't allowed. There was a war on.

Del Boy:
Course there was.

Uncle Albert:
So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it happened in broad daylight.

Rodney:
You didn't see an aircraft carrier?

Del Boy:
Forty-two thousand tons of steel!

Uncle Albert:
Well I wasn't close enough!

Rodney:
You must have been reasonably close. Unc, you hit it!

Del Boy:
They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!

Del Boy:
Oh, no, Raquel. You must never lose sight of your dream! When I was 18, I decided I was gonna be a millionaire by the time I was 21.

Raquel Turner:
Really?

Del Boy:
Yep... and when I was 21, I said I'd be a millionaire by the time I was 30... and when I was 30... [referring to the biscuits] Fancy a Jammy-Dodger?

Uncle Albert:
Have you ever thought about joining the navy, Rodney?

Rodney:
Well, funnily enough, Unc, *no*! How could I join the navy?

Del Boy:
Exactly. In the old days they'd take anyone - well, they took you! But nowadays, you've gotta have a cotchel of qualifications. [pointing to Rodney] I mean, what chance would Lawrence of Peckham stand?

Uncle Albert:
I don't mean in the Royal navy. I was talking about the merchant. Just imagine it, Rodney. Monday, you sail out of Southhampton Water. Tuesday, you're through the Bay of Biscay. Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent. Thursday, you dock in Algiers...

Del Boy:
[cutting in] And Friday it's your turn in the barrel!

Rodney:
[distressed] Eh?

Uncle Albert:
There was nothing like that on any of my vessels! A few funny ones but nothing like that!

Rodney:
Er... well... I'm a good salesman.

Del Boy:
Do me a favor, Rodney! You couldn't flog a black cat to a witch!

Del Boy:
Oh, leave it out Rodney, you couldn't flog a black cat to a witch!

Rodney:
We didn't know the fancy dress had been cancelled.

Trigger:
Me neither.

Rodney:
You mean, that's your costume?

Trigger:
Yeah. I came as a chauffeur. I feel a bit stupid now.

Rodney:
Yeah, you do stand out.

Vicar:
I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked, is it? [Del Boy is trying to sell Christmas trees to him]

Rodney:
[after getting his old job back at Trotters Independent Traders] What will be my title?

Del Boy:
We'll call you Lord Rodney!

Rodney:
I meant company title!

Del Boy:
Now, as the Bible says, 'Clothes maketh the man'.

Uncle Albert:
The Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick! Says it's part of his culture!

Rodney:
Don't think it's got anything to do with the 46 quid we already owe 'em do you?

Del Boy:
[after seeing what Rodney had bought with the company money] What's the weather like out?

Uncle Albert:
It's parky, Del!

Del Boy:
[sarcastic] Good, good! Nice thick frost is there?

Uncle Albert:
Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!

Del Boy:
Oh, cushty! Nice notherly wind howling in from the Urals is there?

Uncle Albert:
Cut's right through you, Del!

Del Boy:
Lovely! Because today, Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear, we're gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a right killing? We ain't got woolly underwear! [produces bottle from box] *We've* got sun-tan lotion! And we ain't got just a little drop of sun-tan lotion! We've got 500 bloody quids' worth of the stuff!

Rodney:
I've told you, I bought it as an investment!

Del Boy:
An Investment! Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for 2 million years, with the weatherman laying odds on a new Ice Age - this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!

Uncle Albert:
I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas that pick up with these rich old widows - what they call 'em - toy boys! You wanna see the stuff they pick up for presents. Solid gold watches, sports cars - money! Might be worth considering!

Rodney:
[Del and Rodney give each other weird glances] Well, we both admire your spirit, Uncle, but don't you think you've left it a bit late for that sort of thing?

Uncle Albert:
I'm not talking about me! I meant you!

Rodney:
[incredulous] Me? I'm not selling my body to some old tart! Thank you!

Uncle Albert:
Not even for the family?

Rodney:
Especially not for the family! I'm not going to let myself become some... hooker!

Rodney:
I've been thinking.

Del Boy:
Oh, leave it out Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.

Grandad:
[talking to the Police] Rodney's got a police record!

Del Boy:
[quickly] Yes, er... it's "Walking on the Moon".

Del Boy:
[after Rodney goes on a date with a Policewoman] You know what the most sobering thought of all is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!

Uncle Albert:
Is that the radio I hear, Rodney?

Rodney:
No, Elton John popped in and he's rehearsing in the kitchen!

Uncle Albert:
During the war...

Del Boy:
[interupts Albert] If you say during the war one more time, I'll pour this cup of tea over your head.

Uncle Albert:
During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany.

Rodney:
Oi, Del, why'd they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun or something?

Del Boy:
Na, it's coz he looks like an horse.

Grandad:
Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. Then again, he always said Millwall would win the cup.

Rodney:
[after buying defective briefcases] So how do you open these then?

Del Boy:
No sod knows, Rodney, that's why they're rejects!

Del Boy:
[taking the rise out of Rodney wanting to get a job] Yes, sir, I have qualifications. I have two GCE's, a suspended sentence and I know a good joint when I puffed one!

Rodney:
Del, let's just get out! Before I wake up with a bloody horses ead' on me pillow!

Del Boy:
Rodney, it's for you. [passes the phone to him]

Rodney:
Who is it?

Del Boy:
Richard Branston.

Del Boy:
If I get piles you can have half of 'em!

Rodney:
I don't think I'll ever laugh again.

Uncle Albert:
Well, as long as yer 'appy, son.

Rodney:
If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me.

Del Boy:
[is trying to impress] I say, how do you spell 'Arrods?

Woman in Club:
Capital A.

Del Boy:
Yes, capital... oh. Oh, right. Yes. Beam me up, Snotty.

Del Boy:
Who are you after? Oh, not the Gruesome Twosome. They're so ugly they even look alike.

Rodney:
They happen to be two sisters.

Del Boy:
Oh, sisters? [to women] Hey, girls, seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?

Del Boy:
[Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting] Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?

Rodney:
Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?

Del Boy:
Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.

Rodney:
No! Did she report it?

Del Boy:
Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.

Rodney:
Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?

Del Boy:
Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.

Del Boy:
Lovely jubbly!

Rodney 'Dave' Trotter:
People round here don't pay ?60 for a painting, in fact people round here don't pay ?60 for a car.

Lady Victoria:
[addressing Rodney] So, what's your name?

Rodney:
It's Rodney

Trigger:
[shouts from a distance] Watcha Dave!

Rodney:
It is Rodney, he's just a bit thick.

[Del has entered a clay pigeon shoot with a pump-action shotgun]

Rodney:
Oi, where did you get that gun?

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Iggy Iggins.

Rodney:
Iggy Iggins? Iggy Iggins robs banks.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Yeah but it's a Saturday.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[he and Rodney are about to catch a chandelier Grandad is loosening] Now, brace yourself, Rodney, brace yourself.

Del Boy:
[about to catch a falling chandelier] Now, brace yourself, Rodney, brace yourself.

Rodney:
Come on, Del, let's have it. Just how do you see our respective roles in this partnership?

Del Boy:
I see it as a combination of my business acumen and salesmanship, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van. Badly. Or did you see yourself in a different position?

Rodney:
Well, yes I did, actually! With my qualifications and experience, I saw myself more in the role of a financial advisor!

Del Boy:
Financial advisor? Listen to this, Grandad. This morning, I had just clinched a deal to buy twenty five briefcases for ?175, when my 'financial advisor' leapt in and advised me to pay ?200 for 'em! And having done that, he then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! I mean, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?

[first lines]

Grandad:
[watching TV] That Sydney Potter's a good actor, ain't he, Rodney?

Del Boy:
[after checking out his reflection] S'il vous plait.

Del Boy:
A lot of people told me I was a right dipstick to make my brother partner in the business, but this only goes to prove how bloody right they were.

Del Boy:
You dozy little twonk, Rodney.

Del Boy:
S'il vous plait.

Del Boy:
[During a heated exchange about living conditions] You had a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu!

Del:
No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can't even get Channel three!

[after opening a box of "Life-size Inflatable Dolls" they purchased by accident]

Del Boy:
Bloody Hell! What have WE got ourselves into here?

Rodney:
Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!

Del Boy:
That's because I've got a High Profile!

Rodney:
Yeah! High profile and low forehead!

Rodney:
[they've just bought boxes of dolls and Rodney is reading the item description] Del, these dolls aren't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.

Del Boy:
You can't get dolls with names like that.

Rodney:
You can if you go to the right shops, Del!

Raquel Turner:
The only time my clothes look fashionable is when I'm watching UK Gold!

Del Boy:
So what are you telling me then? The psycho's upstairs having a kip?

Grandad:
Well he could be up there Del...

Del Boy:
Well I shouldn't let it worry you, Grandad, cos the three bears have probably eaten him by now!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
A shot of tequila, a shot of coconut rum and one of creme de menthe. A smidgeon of Campari with the merest suggestion of Angostura bitters, top that up with fresh grapefruit juice then shake it. DO NOT STIR. Pour that slowly over broken ice Garnish with a slice or orange slice of lime, your occasional seasonal fruits, top that off with a decorative plastic umbrella, two translucent straws and voila!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[the debut of Del's famous catchphrase] This time next year we'll be millionaires!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[Del is auto trading the Cortina for the Aussie] 'Ere, did you know that the East African gazelle became an endangered species for this model? No, it's an enthusiast's model this one and I can tell that you are genuinely, an enthusiast.

Aussie Man:
Don't give me that crap, mate. I can make up my own mind. And I don't need any help from no cockney villain.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Cockney villan? Cockney villan? Now there's no need to be like that, sir. After all the British and the Australians are cousins from across the sea innit they? If your grandad hadn't been a bloody villan, you could've been one of us.

Del Boy:
[Rodney realises that Del is behind him] You little plonker!

Rodney:
What are you doing 'ere?

Del Boy:
What Am I doing 'ere? What are you doing 'ere?

Rodney:
Well this where Debbie lives, innit! I mean... oi... you're not to pull her?

Del Boy:
No Am I not! I'm a friend of 'ere mums, that's all.

Rodney:
Yeah? When 'da meet 'er then?

Del Boy:
Lets see it was... 1964

Rodney:
[puzzled] Wha'? You only just came 'round to see 'er?

Del Boy:
No! No, I was engaged to 'er, soppy!

Rodney:
[suprised] Another one? Stone me Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard .

Del Boy:
You little... [pointing to LP] 'Ere I dunno why you brought that over 'cause they ain't got a record player.

Rodney:
That's alright, [bends record cover] I ain't got a record.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Running away from home at your age?

Uncle Albert Trotter:
Lot of things been going through my mind lately, Del. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I feel I let the family down... I let you two down.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
No, don't be so bloody daft.

Rodney Trotter:
You didn't let anybody down.

Uncle Albert Trotter:
I needed to be alone for a while.

Rodney Trotter:
But where were you gonna go?

Uncle Albert Trotter:
I hadn't given it much thought, Rodney. I didn't realise things had changed so much, I... when I first left home, I was about 15, I just come down here and got a job on a tram steamer. Life seemed easier then.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Well, things ain't all that much different now, Albert. You can always come home. To your family.

Uncle Albert Trotter:
Thanks son.

Rodney Trotter:
Come on then, let's go.

Uncle Albert Trotter:
You know... once upon a time ships from all over the world used to sail in here. The water used to be covered with a film of oil and when the sun shone on it, it sparkled, all different colours. When I was a kid, I used to think rainbows lived in the water.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
So you was a bit of a divvy in them days an' all were you?

Rodney Trotter:
Oi.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Alright, alright, I'm sorry.

Uncle Albert Trotter:
There were tugs nudging freighters into position. Cranes lifting out timber from Canada, bananas from Jamaica. The pubs and the cafes, they were filled with sailors from a hundred countries. By the time I was seven, I could swear in ten different languages. There were streets all around here, loads of two up and two down houses. "Dockers mansions" they called them. Yeah, ragamuffins kicking footballs up against the wall, women used to come out and chase us away with their brooms. Ha ha. They were rough people... but they was good people. During the Blitz some of the men painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse so that the Luftwaffe pilots could see it. It said "Dear Adolf, you can break our windows but not our hearts". Look at what they done to it now.

Grandad:
[Rodney says he and Mickey Pearce are starting small in the self-catering trade] What you got, Rodney? A Wendy House?

Grandad:
[Rodney wants to buy a house] What you got, Rodney? A Wendy House?

Rodney Trotter:
Del, we'll probably have some problems getting these back to our depot.

Mickey Pearce:
Yeah, we came down on the Green Line, you see.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Oh, well, in that case your best bet's to hire an open-backed truck, ain't it?

Rodney Trotter:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. But we were wondering whether you could take a few in the back of the van.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
The back of *my* van? You must be joking. I've only just cleared them out of the back of my van!

Rodney Trotter:
You mean you were selling them in the first place?

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Yeah! That is the load of rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me. Normally I'd never have bought it, but he caught me when I was a bit non compos-mentis down the 1-11 Club. I never thought I'd get shot of them, but you know me, Rodders. He who dares, wins! I actually made a tidy little profit on it and all.

Rodney Trotter:
So what are we supposed to do with them?

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourselves a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip!

Rodney Trotter:
[slightly annoyed] Hello?

Jonathan Ross:
Hello, is this Rodney Trotter?

Rodney Trotter:
[slightly annoyed] Yes.

Jonathan Ross:
[cheerfully] Hello Rodney, this is Jonathan Ross at the Goldrush Studio...

Rodney Trotter:
[irate and shouting] Oh piss off Mickey, you're begining to get on my tits!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
This time next year we'll be millionaires.

Rodney Trotter:
*Angrily*This time last week we were millionaires.

Rodney:
They'll just deport him again.

Del Boy:
Just deport him? You're joking of course! They've just held the World Cup here, haven't they? They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first! By the time we get him back he'll be eating paella and calling us Gringo's!

Inspector Roy Slater:
Remember Del? All us lads down the river playing pirates! Boycie was the first mate, Trigger was Long John Silver... What Part did I play Del?

Del Boy:
You played the bloke what walked the plank!

Inspector Roy Slater:
Ye that's right... I was always the bloke that walked the plank! I was in and out of that water more times than a ducks head! I always wanted to be BlueBeard!

Del Boy:
Well you should have asked!

Inspector Roy Slater:
I did lots of times but you'd never let me!

Del Boy:
I did once

Inspector Roy Slater:
Oh ye I remember that was the day that BlueBeard had to walk the plank wasn't it!

Del Boy:
You dirty, stinking...

Inspector Roy Slater:
Careful, Del. I don't want have to add offensive language to your ever-growing list of offences.

Boycie:
We're having a nice holiday. The Trotters turn up and within fifteen seconds some sod's shooting at us.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[seeing Barry Gibb outside his house in Miami] All right, Bazza!

Barry Gibb:
Oh God! There's always one.

Del Boy:
[to Barry Gibb] All right, Bazza!

Barry Gibb:
Oh God. There's always one.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[at the airport, Virgin Atlantic a man is in Del Boy's way] Hey, 'scuse me, what's your game, pal, eh? Blimey. Anyone would think he owns the plane. [the man turns around and it's Richard Branson]

Del Boy:
[to a man before boarding a plane by Virgin Atlantic] Hey 'scuse me, what's your game, pal, eh? Blimey. Anyone would think he owns the plane [the man turns around and it's Richard Branson] .

Rodney:
Well Trigger could be considered an expert...

Mike Fisher:
Trigger still don't know which end of the dart to throw!

Uncle Albert:
You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.

Rodney:
Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert?

Uncle Albert:
When I was your age I was fighting in the war.

Rodney:
Well then you must have made more bloody noise than me then!

Del Boy:
There is nothing wrong with me. I just got normal pains.

Uncle Albert:
When you came in tonight you flopped straight down that chair in agony.

Del Boy:
You don't understand unc' that is PMA.

Rodney:
I thought only woman got that!

Del Boy:
No Rodney that is PMP.

Del Boy:
PMA is Positive Mental Attitude.

Del Boy:
It's the new buzz word, what all us yuppies get.

Del Boy:
Anyway, how come you're in charge?

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
It was an accident really. I just happened to be talking to some colleagues when the name "Derek Trotter" cropped up. So I asked if I could read your GP's report and have a look at your tests. I was amazed. I found myself reading about this non-smoking, tee total, celibate, vegetarian health freak. I thought "Can this be the same Derek Trotter that I know and begrudgingly admire? That uptight, wheeling, dealing Pina Colada lout? The Castella King? The curry connoisseur? The same man who's lived his life on nervous tension, fried bread and doubtful women?"

Del Boy:
And was it?

Dr. Robbie Meadows:
Yeah!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[to the men filling in Grandad's grave] Gently!

Del Boy:
[to the gravediggers filling in Grandad's grave] Oi! Gently!

Del Boy:
[talking about the gold stolen by "Freddy the Frog"] And what would they have done with it, eh? They either push it through a fence, in which case it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down. Now, that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time.

Uncle Albert:
What if the police found it?

Del Boy:
I'm talking about the police!

Del Boy:
I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers.

Rodney Trotter:
[with a chill in his voice] You went and saw the Driscoll brothers?

Uncle Albert:
Why, what they like?

Rodney Trotter:
Oh smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the two Ronnies, - Biggs and Kray!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
She's a blinding bird isn't she Rodney?

Rodney Trotter:
What Raquel? Yeah, terrific Del.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
She's got a radiant smile. Have you noticed that?

Rodney Trotter:
What, her radiant smile? Yeah.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
I mean, when she walks in she lights up a room.

Rodney Trotter:
Yeah. Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag.

Sandra:
Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?

Rodney:
Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[to the check-out girl, who looks baffled] Did you get yer money back?... From the charm school.

Lennox:
[explaining his soubriquet, The Shadow, by paraphrasing lines from 'The Scarlet Pimpernel'] They seek him here, they seek him there/ those policemen seek him everywhere/ is he in heaven or is he in hell/ that dammed elusive... sh-a-a-a-a-dow.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
An hour ago you were the Man of Mystery; now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[after finding out that Tom Clarke supplied Lennox with the gun] Oh, dear. Would you Adam and Eve it, eh? Dixon of Kuala Lumpur is involved! [Pointing at Tom Clarke]

Tom Clarke:
Yeah, that's right, yeah. I want you to know I did it purely for the money.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
I'll bet you did.

Tom Clarke:
I retire in a couple of months time. You should've seen the crummy pension this firm was offering me. I was gonna get less than Duncan Goodhew's barber.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[Del grabs the gun off Lennox's hand and shows it to Clarke] Just a minute, give me that here, look. Where did you get this?

Tom Clarke:
Out of our toy department.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Yeah, I wondered how long Taiwan had been making Lugers.

Mr. Peterson:
So what happens now? Are you going to the police?

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
No. I'm gonna phone them instead.

Lennox:
[Lennox, Clarke and Peterson panic] Del!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Now, now, now, alright, alright, alright, don't panic, don't panic, I'm just winding you up. You are a wally, Lennox!

Lennox:
Sorry, Del.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
What is your mum gonna say? Eh? Now look here, there's no real harm done right, no one has been hurt and nothing has been nicked.

Rodney:
[Rodney is having to pretend he's 14 on a package holiday] Thanks to your general wally-ness, I am now a twenty six year old man who has just come second in a skateboard race!

Del Boy:
Second? You were in the lead when I saw you.

Rodney:
I fell off!

Del Boy:
[Del and Rodney are sitting on a bench near their mother's grave] It's quiet here.

Rodney:
[half asleep, not really listening] Yeah...

Del Boy:
Peaceful.

Rodney:
Yeah...

Del Boy:
You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese takeaway tomorrow.

Rodney:
Yeah...

Del Boy:
The sun is shining, the birds are singing...

Rodney:
[waking up somewhat] What was that?

Del Boy:
The sun is shining and the birds are singing?

Rodney:
No, before that.

Del Boy:
Everything's quiet and peaceful?

Rodney:
No, Del, in between everything being quiet and peaceful and the sun shining and the birds singing, you mentioned something about a Chinese takeaway!

Grandad:
[Rodney is furious after finding out the paint used on a decorating job was hooky] Tunnels?

Del Boy:
What?

Rodney:
No, he said that.

Grandad:
Trigger said this was for painting signs used in tunnels. Well, how can you see a sign in a tunnel? It's dark, innit?

Trigger:
Nah, 'salright, this is luminous paint.

Del Boy:
Exactly, Grandad, it's luminous paint and that means you can see in the - LUMINOUS?

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Just before Mum fell for you she met this, like, new friend. He was the trumpet player from the Locarno.

Grandad:
And a saxophone player.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Yes, alright Grandad, alright.

Rodney Trotter:
Are you trying to tell me that my dad... was a band?

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
No Rodney, no, just the brass section.

Rodney Trotter:
No, I don't believe you. No, the way you've always described Mum she'd never do anything like that.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
No, she wouldn't normally. This must've been, like, a one-off.

Rodney Trotter:
Great. Well I can't wait to fill in my next passport application form. Mother's name - Joan Mavis Trotter. Father's name - Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Raquel Turner:
[while in labor] Don't you ever come near me again, Trotter!

Del Boy:
[to the newborn Damien] You're gonna have such fun. You are. And when you get the hump, cos you're bound to get the hump sometimes, I'll muck about and make you laugh. Cos' I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now.

Raquel Turner:
[while in labour] Don't you ever come near me again, Trotter!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[to the newborn Damien] You're gonna have such fun. You are. And when you get the hump, cos' you're bound to get the hump sometimes, I'll muck about and make you laugh. Cos' I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now.

Uncle Albert:
It doesn't usually take us this long to finish.

Del Boy:
Yes, but that is because we are not golloping down a Big Mac and chips. We're taking our time. We're savouring the food and ambience. People in there are conversing between each mouthful. It's sophisticated... No matter, I'll whack this in the microwave... Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. This isn't coffee. Smell it, it's bloody gravy.

Uncle Albert:
Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's them jars. How am I supposed to tell the difference?

Del Boy:
I tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House Coffee. On this it says OXO Gravy Granules. It's a bit of a give away.

Uncle Albert:
Well I was in a hurry and must have got mixed up.

Del Boy:
I'll mix you up in a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you made gravy in the coffee pot. What are they pouring over their dinners in there?

Del Boy:
We got lost in the middle of the North Sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and we followed it.

Abdul:
And that's how you got to Hull?

Del Boy:
No. that's how we got to Zeebrugge. It was going the wrong bloody way.

Denzil:
Corinne and I have just got back together again and I've had to promise her that I'd stop seeing you, stop getting drunk, stop gambling and get a steady job.

Del Boy:
Is it my fault you married a wrong 'un? No reason to give me a volley.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
Now this is a 'Jaws' type story.

Rodney Trotter:
But Jaws has been done already, Del.

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
I know, this is different. It's called, 'There Is A Rhino Loose In The City!'

Rodney Trotter:
There Is A...? Loose in...? as in a rhinoceros?

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
That's right. 'There Is A Rhino Loose in The City!'

Uncle Albert Trotter:
What's it about, Del?

Rodney Trotter:
[Del takes the wig off of Jumbo Mills head] How long you been bald then?

Jumbo Mills:
I'm not bald.

Uncle Albert Trotter:
No? Well that's one helluva parting you got there then!

Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter:
[to Rodney after he's turned down Jumbo's offer of a partnership in Australia because family ties are too strong] If I'd taken that chance of a lifetime, it could've ruined me.