Parks and Recreation

Ben Wyatt:
Can you be civil?

Leslie Knope:
I am civil. He's the stupid garbage head doo-doo face.

Ben Wyatt:
That's perfect.

Jerry Gergich:
[Playing a mailman on Andy's show] Hello, Johnny. I have something for you.

Andy Dwyer:
Hello, Terry. I have something for you too.

Jerry Gergich:
Oh, Andy, no...

Andy Dwyer:
Ninjas, attack! [Kids dressed as ninjas swarm over Jerry] Just three hits each, kids.

Leslie Knope:
Who cares what Gryzzl and Ron have. I have the most valuable currency in America: a blind, stubborn belief that I'm 100% right.

Jerry Gergich:
So I go by Terry now. They already had a Larry in the Parks department, and they suggested that they change my name to Terry. I told them my real name was Garry, and they said "who cares?" What a fun bunch of guys.

Doug:
Oh excused me, I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car trouble.

April Ludgate:
Sorry, he's busy now.

Doug:
Can I reschedule?

April Ludgate:
Hmm, how about June 50th?

Doug:
Sorry?

April Ludgate:
Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.

Doug:
What is going on?

April Ludgate:
Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember oneteenth. Does that work, sir?

Ron Swanson:
Ron Swanson: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Ron Swanson:
April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Ron Swanson:
There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food.

Tom Haverford:
Hey, John McClane!

Dave Sanderson:
Who's that?

Tom Haverford:
Die Hard.

Dave Sanderson:
The battery?

April Ludgate:
So, I was just at the grind and I thought you might want an iced mocha with extra, extra whipped cream.

Leslie Knope:
Oh, my. Thank you so much, April. Wow.

April Ludgate:
You're welcome. Oh, by the way, completely unrelated, I just signed up for the Miss Pawnee Beauty Pageant.

Leslie Knope:
That's wonderful. You know, that is why I decided to become a judge. So that awesome girls like you who are not, you know, classically hot, can be rewarded for their intelligence and savvy.

April Ludgate:
[to camera] Beauty pageants are idiotic, but I found out that the winner of the Miss Pawnee pageant gets 600 dollars. I can be idiotic for 600 dollars. [to Leslie] So are you gonna vote for me, sister?

Leslie Knope:
April, it's unethical for me to show you favoritism. You and I are like family.

April Ludgate:
The coffee's seven dollars.

Leslie Knope:
Yes, right. Of course.

Leslie Knope:
What are you doing around these parts?

Dave Sanderson:
Oh, I just - I came by to see the murals. This one's pretty amazing.

Leslie Knope:
Yeah, this one's a beauty. You know, in the 1880s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Anna Beth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But, you know, they had to change it. For obvious reasons.

Leslie Knope:
Wanna hear something awful? He didn't even know who Madeline Albright was.

Ann Perkins:
Who?

Leslie Knope:
Not you too! Madeline Albright, first female Secretary of State!

Ann Perkins:
No, who didn't know?

Leslie Knope:
Oh, Dave. That cop that I met. I don't know, I don't know if I can date someone who doesn't share my interests. I mean, could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations?

Ann Perkins:
I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

April Ludgate:
Um, this is an impression of my sister. Hi, I'm Natalie. I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem.

Charles:
[loud laughter]

Leslie Knope:
Trish, Alexis de Tocqueville called America the great experiment. What can we do as citizens to improve on that experiment?

Trish Ianetta:
Uh, well, uh, I think America is the land of the free, which is a wonderful thing, and also the brave, where people can live. And nobody can ever take that away from you. And it never gives up. But the high birthing rate of immigrants frightens me! No offense to anyone out there, but if it were up to me and my family, I would actually call it our America, and not their America! Thank you. [the audience applauds]

Leslie Knope:
Don't applaud that. She didn't - she didn't answer my question.

Ann Perkins:
[looking at Andy's tent in the pit] Do you live down here?

Andy Dwyer:
What? [chuckles] Whaaat? Yes.

Ann Perkins:
Oh my god...

Joan Callamezzo:
Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things. If you know what I mean. [Joan gets up from the table and trips]

Ben Wyatt:
Is she gonna powder her vagina?

Tom Haverford:
You gotta help me, man!

Ben Wyatt:
Why? It seems to be going the usual amount of gross.

Tom Haverford:
No, this is way different! She's not married anymore! She had like five bottles of alcohol and she's calling me "Caramel"! You've gotta throw some cold water on the situation. Start talking about nerd stuff!

Ben Wyatt:
You know, "nerd culture" is mainstream now. So, when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.

Tom Haverford:
Yes, that's perfect. Just like that: be incredibly boring.

Leslie Knope:
Everybody knows that we cannot accept gifts for over $25 for corruption reasons. We live in a fish bowl. Everyone is watching us. That's why I go two towns over if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it.

[Donna shakes her head at Leslie]

Leslie Knope:
You're right. I shouldn't have said that.

April Ludgate:
[on the phone] Natalie, it's your sister. Pick me up or I will draw all over your favorite jeans.

Andy Dwyer:
Codenames: Mine is "Eagle 1." Ann is "Been there, done that". April is "Currently doing that." Donna is "It happened once in a dream." Chris is "If I had to pick a dude." Ben is "Eagle 2."

Ben Wyatt:
Oh, thank God.

Andy Dwyer:
Eagle 1: "Been there, done that" is leaving the stage. "I'd be lying if I said 'I hadn't thought about it'" is in position.

April Ludgate:
I wasn't listening, but I definitely disagree with Ann!

April Ludgate:
I'm okay with not camping. Especially since my stupid

[yelling]

April Ludgate:
boyfriend abandoned me!

Elsa:
Welcome to The Quiet Corn. I'm Elsa Clack. Breakfast is served between 5:30 and 6:15 AM.

April Ludgate:
What if we sleep to a normal hour?

Elsa:
Well, that would be very rude of you. May I take your breakfast order? We have hard-boiled eggs, homemade tamato slices with dry seed and leek jam and your choice of German muffin.

Ron Swanson:
...what the f*** is a German muffin?

Ron Swanson:
All due respect Ms. Clack, stick a German muffin in it.

Ron Swanson:
[sitting at the campfire with everyone]... and when she looked in the back of her car, she saw that even though it was her own private property, she would be forced to take it in [pause] for a state inspection!

Leslie Knope:
Why do I want to build this park so bad? Maybe because a pit filled with garbage isn't the best that we can do in America. You know, in Russia they could pretend that pit was a park. Bring their kids down there,'Hey Vlad, uh, look at these rocks. Let's pretend their potatoes. Nikolai, do you want to swim in the dirt?' but not here. Okay? Cause we're a nation of dreamers and it is my dream to build a park that I one day visit with my White House staff on my birthday. And they say, 'President Knope, this park is awesome. Now we understand why you are the first female President of the United States.

Morgan:
Yeah, a park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.

Mark Brendanawicz:
Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?

Morgan:
Absolutely. Now, is this park gonna have a playground or you know, maybe a pool for the kids?

Mark Brendanawicz:
Oh, uh, how old are your kids?

Morgan:
No kids.

Tom Haverford:
Uh-oh.

April Ludgate:
I'm gonna put him down as a "yes".

Mark Brendanawicz:
Don't do that.

Morgan:
Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, yeah, I really can't move again.

Mark Brendanawicz:
April, please stand behind me.

Leslie Knope:
So let's talk sched, guys. Um, the kids are gonna come at 9AM on Saturday, and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours, so I would just advise everyone before you get into your costume to go to the bathroom so we can avoid what happened last year.

Jerry Gergich:
It was just farts.

April Ludgate:
Hey, uh, there was a message for you on the work voicemail. Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you at 9PM at the Boardwalk Lounge.

Leslie Knope:
Shut up.

April Ludgate:
No.

Leslie Knope:
All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit!

Ann Perkins:
Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun. It's a tabloid. Nobody else has written about it.

Tom Haverford:
Yeah, nobody believes that garbage. Nobody believes that thing.

Donna Meagle:
[Outside the room; walks forward and puts the tabloid on the window facing Leslie] Leslie! WHAT? Nice work, girl!

Leslie Knope:
How do I fight back? Give me some options.

April Ludgate:
Do you... want me to seduce Perd Hapley?

Leslie Knope:
How would that help?

April Ludgate:
I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.

Leslie Knope:
I appreciate that but I don't know if it's something worth losing your virginity over.

Ann Perkins:
Leslie wishes she could be here herself to give you these presents, but she's suspended. Oh, and also, she said they're not from her, they're from Santa Claus.

Andy Dwyer:
Can I go first? [to camera; shows his framed gold record] Mouserat: Certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee! I need a picture of me holding this so I can frame it.

Donna Meagle:
Personalized leopard-printed robe, pink feather cuffs, and on the back in rhinestones, [turns around] "You Can Get It!"

Tom Haverford:
"I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the Watch the Throne tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead." And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in: [shows text that says... ] "Baller Time!"

April Ludgate:
[Holds up painting of her and the Black Eyed Peas' decapitated heads, with a shirtless Andy nearby] These are the Black Eyed Peas, and I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle.

Ron Swanson:
Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp 20 dollar bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious. This year, she outdid herself. [Presses a clicker that closes both of his office doors at once] She had it installed over the weekend. It's so... [starts crying] it's so beautiful.

Leslie Knope:
[Logo on her Parks Committee of Pawnee t-shirt] PCP - makes it fun

Dave Sanderson:
I need you to know something, man to man. I still have feelings for Leslie, in a womanly fashion and I believe she feels the same towards me, in a manly way.

Ben Wyatt:
She doesn't feel the same way because she has a boyfriend. Umm me. And... and... and we love each other.

Dave Sanderson:
That's not... that information... it's not pertinent at this juncture. I just said to you one thing and you're contritering me.

Ben Wyatt:
I don't think that's a word.

Donna Meagle:
Eagleton is a bunch of rich snobs, and that's coming from someone who has a Mercedes with a Harman Kardon Logic 7 Surround Sound System.

Ron Swanson:
[On the verge of tears] Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

Lindsay Carlisle Shay:
Sweetie, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, Pawnee is and always will be a dirty little nightmare from which you will never wake up. It was good seeing you.

Leslie Knope:
[to camera] What? I'm not asleep, I'm awake! I'm wide awake, and I got my eyes on you! That's what I would have said if I had thought of it in the moment. What did I say instead?

Lindsay Carlisle Shay:
You look like you've been working really hard. You have a lot of fly-aways. Would you like to borrow a mirror, or a self-help book?

Andy Dwyer:
Thank you so much. I never would've ever done this without you. Thank you. [Andy pulls April into him and kisses her on the forehead]

Andy Dwyer:
[at the Grand Canyon] Where are the faces... of the Presidents?

Bank teller:
[counting out money] Eight hundred, nine hundred, one thousand.

April Ludgate:
And how much is left in the bank account?

Bank teller:
Eighteen dollars and four cents.

Andy Dwyer:
Woah, still a lot left over.

April Ludgate:
Okay. You wanted to hold a thousand dollars cash in your hands... [hands money to Andy and snaps fingers]

Andy Dwyer:
...That's super disappointing.

Bank teller:
[counting out singles]... Nine hundred ninety eight, nine hundred ninety night, one thousand.

Andy Dwyer:
Yes! Now *this* is what I imagined! [laughs] Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire *life*?

Bank teller:
I just handed it to you.

Andy Dwyer:
Nickels. I want nickles. A billion nickles!

April Ludgate:
No, Andy...

Donna:
That is about the worst thing I've ever seen. Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?

Leslie Knope:
It took me four years to find the right hair dresser and we still fight.

Andy Dwyer:
[Leslie is sick] Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

Andy Dwyer:
[picking up the phone] Ron Swanson's office. Yeah, I'll transfer you.

[Andy presses a button and gets a dial tone]

Andy Dwyer:
I just dropped another call.

[Ron gives Andy a thumbs up]

Ann Perkins:
Yes, April.

April Ludgate:
I need medicine.

Ann Perkins:
An actual request. Well, you can't have any more because that stuff is powerful.

April Ludgate:
I never took it. Leslie stole it.

Ann Perkins:
Chris, have you seen Leslie?

Chris Traeger:
I had a dream that she came in here, took my medicine, told me not to tell you, then ran through that hole in the wall.

Ann Perkins:
You mean the door?

April Ludgate:
What?

Ann Perkins:
[Looks at watch] 3... 2... 1, and my shift is over. What the f*** is your problem?

April Ludgate:
Whoa, I thought you weren't gonna lose it.

Ann Perkins:
While I was on duty, I didn't! Now it's just me. I get that you're mad that I kissed Andy, okay? But it was a moment of confusion, and it was a mistake. And I'm very sorry. You want to hate me forever?

April Ludgate:
Okay.

Ann Perkins:
Fine! You know what? I don't care! But you shouldn't take it out on Andy, because he really likes you, and he did nothing wrong. And just for the record, I'm starting to hate you too! [Leaves April's hospital room]

April Ludgate:
[to camera] That's the most I've ever liked Ann.

Tom Haverford:
I think I should drive you to the hospital.

Leslie Knope:
Was I wearing a tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it, will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post-hence?

[April is smiling at the camera as she presses on her buzzer]

Ann Perkins:
Hey April. I thought you could use some pillows?

April Ludgate:
Are you trying to smother me?

April Ludgate:
[grabbing a knife] Help! This lady nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow!

Ann Perkins:
Okay, never mind.

April Ludgate:
Stay back! Slut!

Ron Swanson:
I haven't had lunch since yesterday, so I'm going over to Callahan's.

Andy Dwyer:
No, don't go there. They totally skimp on pickles. Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.

Ron Swanson:
I don't much go for ethnic food.

Andy Dwyer:
Trust me. They have one that's called the Meat Tornado.

[Ron gives him an interested look]

Andy Dwyer:
Literally killed a guy last year.

Ron Swanson:
You had me at Meat Tornado.

Chris Traeger:
[looking into a mirror] Stop pooping.

Ron Swanson:
I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Ben Wyatt:
Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.

Mark Brendanawicz:
[Mark's final line] See you around.

Kyle:
Andy, I've been here for half an hour. Can I have my shoeshine?

Andy Dwyer:
Dude... Kyle, I'm gonna lose my sh*t on you if you ask me one more time.

Frank Beckerson:
Marlene, you... blew it! Take one last look Marlene because you'll never see this body again!

Andy Dwyer:
I'm pretty sure that was the old lady version of flashing.

Ron Swanson:
Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Ron Swanson:
Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Tom Haverford:
Foul on #3 for taking a #2 on #4.

Tom Haverford:
Ron's ejected for molesting the ref!

Chance Frenlm:
I like their phones but they've gone to far sending this stuff to our houses. Gryzzl has no right to search our private data.

Leslie Knope:
So wait... You guys are not against us on this?

Chance Frenlm:
We're not against you on this.

Crowd:
We're not against you on this. We're not against you on this. We're not against you on this.

Jen Ivinicii:
The only thing I love more than parks is recreation.

Pearl:
They sent me a bunch of toy pigs dressed like movie stars. That's my private hobby. No one knows I collect toy pigs dressed like movie stars, except now all of you people.

Ben Wyatt:
Which one is that?

[Ben points to stuffed pig in Pearl's hand]

Pearl:
This is actually Ham-uel L. Jackson from the movie, Pork Fiction, it's extremely rare, and I am keeping it. But still, they have no right to give me something I will treasure the rest of my life.

Ron Swanson:
This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.

Leslie Knope:
I thought you didn't like to pass judgment on...

Ron Swanson:
The package was addressed to my son. Who is four years old. And does not own a Grizzl do-dad. Somehow the robots looked at Diane's computer and learned something about my child and then brought him a box of presents. So I destroyed the robot. No one is safe from these bastards. Tell me what to do, Leslie. I wanna help you take 'em down.

Andy Dwyer:
[talking into tape recorder] 7:34 p.m. Man dressed as a nerd. Female dressed as... crazy witch.

Man:
Neither of us is in costume.

Andy Dwyer:
Case closed. Candy please.

April Ludgate:
Hey. I love you.

Andy Dwyer:
Dude, seriously? That is awesome sauce!

Tom Haverford:
It's your fault Lil Sebastian is missing.

Jerry Gergich:
You were the one who was supposed to be watching him.

April Ludgate:
Jerry, could you please shut up? I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.

Andy Dwyer:
Ron, I don't know what I did wrong.

April Ludgate:
Ron, tell him he's stupid.

Ron Swanson:
OH, all of you shut up! Andy, April is mad because you said 'Awesome sauce' instead of 'I love you, too'. April, he loves you, so stop being a child. Tom, we all know that you lost Lil Sebastian. Jerry, you shouldn't have been burying your face into funnel cakes. Now all of you apologize.

Ken Hotate:
There are two things I know about white people: they like Matchbox 20, and they are terrified of curses.

Ben Wyatt:
Come on, you don't really think the whole town believes in curses.

Leslie Knope:
No, we're all rational human beings who believe that we're in charge of our own destinies. Please, Ben.

Tom Haverford:
What did you do now, Jerry?

Jerry Gergich:
I didn't do this!

Tom Haverford:
[Chants] Jerry's fault! Jerry's fault! Jerry's fault!

Ken Hotate:
[performing a ritual in Wamapote] No one can understand me anyway. Doobie, doobie, do!

April Ludgate:
Maybe Lil Sebastian got upset because he tried to share his true feelings with someone and they didn't reciprocate!

Ron Swanson:
You know Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple months, I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you can come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Ron Swanson:
And just like that, the one thing I enjoyed about government is clubbed to death before my eyes.

Leslie Knope:
I think it'll be a bonding experience between me and Ron. Men enjoy it when a women is better than them at something they love.

Tom Haverford:
You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

Donna Meagle:
Mmm. I love breakfast cereal.

Tom Haverford:
[Ron Swanson was shot in the head] On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

Tom Haverford:
Maybe Ron shot himself.

Leslie Knope:
Hmm. He has seemed really depressed lately.

Mark Brendanawicz:
He was shot in the back of the head!

Leslie Knope:
You're right! He loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there.

Leslie Knope:
I shot Ron Swanson.

Donna Meagle:
You shot my Mercedes? [Donna tackles Leslie to the ground]

Leslie Knope:
The only way to beat the beast is to find the beast within

Chris Traeger:
Ann Perkins! You really know your testes.

Chris Traeger:
Ann Perkins!

Ann Perkins:
Hey! Did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy with mumps based on his porn photo?

Chris Traeger:
I did! I was so proud of you.

Ann Perkins:
Okay, because now I have everyone in city hall sending me pictures of their junk asking me if they have mumps.

Chris Traeger:
Oh my god. Your inbox is literally filled with penises. I'm so sorry.

Ann Perkins:
Oh, look! Ed Miller from payroll.

Ron Swanson:
I'm Ron Swanson, and you're Leslie f***in' Knope.

Jerry Gergich:
Okay, so you're sure now that everything is okay that I'm... down there?

Dr. Harris:
Perfectly healthy. [to camera] That man has the largest penis I've ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. I forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I've ever seen.

Tammy One:
Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors.

April Ludgate:
Thank you.

Andy Dwyer:
Wow, honey! Your breasts look amazing!

Ron Swanson:
If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow: One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk.

Leslie Knope:
I didn't even ask you last night: What is going on with Tammy One?

Ron Swanson:
You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges. [Throws Leslie's coffee out of its cup]

Ron Swanson:
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?

April Ludgate:
[to Ben, who's thinking of moving in with April and Andy] We have a couple of house rules, though. You can't use the front door; you have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal "usted." And no electricity after 6:00 PM. A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you've been crying. There's no noise allowed on Mondays. And no TV after breakfast.

Ron Swanson:
[to an artist standing next to a painting which is simply a blank white canvas] You forgot to paint a painting, son.

Leslie Knope:
Every great work of art contains a message, and the message of this painting is, "Get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass."

Ben Wyatt:
[teaching April and Andy how to do laundry] OK! You always separate your lights from your darks.

April Ludgate:
That's racist.

Ron Swanson:
[welcoming patrons to an art show] OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to "Visions of Nature." This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

Tom Haverford:
This is what Jerry sees when he closes his eyes at night: topless Leslie glued to a horse.

Ben Wyatt:
Were you frying marbles?

Andy Dwyer:
We were testing to see if the smoke detector worked.

April Ludgate:
It doesn't.

Tom Haverford:
In one brushstroke, Jerry has destroyed the JZ vibe I have taken years to build up and replaced it with a brown baby vibe, which is not as good a vibe.

Andy Dwyer:
Not to sound like I'm bad, because you're my boss and my friend, but I would hit that.

April Ludgate:
Me too.

April Ludgate:
Eww! It's like touching raw chicken.

Tom Haverford:
Dammit! Got to re-foliate.

Tom Haverford:
Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Ron Swanson:
Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben?

Andy Dwyer:
Look, Hogwarts.

Ben Wyatt:
No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.

Ron Swanson:
History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

Jean-Ralphio:
When life gives you lemons, steal your grandma's jewelry and go clubbin'.

Ron Swanson:
[Standing in front of Big Ben] Oh, look. A clock. We don't have those in America.

Ron Swanson:
[Standing in front of the Tower of London] A tower? Try the Sears Tower, son.

Ron Swanson:
Enjoy the fact that your overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby.

Ron Swanson:
I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism.

Ron Swanson:
I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?

Leslie Knope:
Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.

Ron Swanson:
Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first.

Tom Haverford:
Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an island. In space.

Leslie Knope:
Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" too often. If you call everybody a butthead then it kinda loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.

Ron Swanson:
Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.

Leslie Knope:
Wow. Great attitude, Ron.

Ron Swanson:
Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.

Leslie Knope:
Ann, looks like you already met Jeff!

Jeff:
Well, you didn't tell me your friend was so beautiful.

Ann Perkins:
Aww, thanks Jeff!

Jeff:
Not as beautiful as my sister, but you know the law. [chuckles]

Ann Perkins:
[grossed out] Whaat?

Leslie Knope:
No Jeff...

Tom Haverford:
Hey Chris Cross, can we change the music? It sounds like the ending to a movie where a monk commits suicide.

Chris Traeger:
It is.

Leslie Knope:
And finally, we are gonna kick off the children's concert series this weekend with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti.

April Ludgate:
I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.

Leslie Knope:
No, that's Mr. Funnynoodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

April Ludgate:
Oh.

Leslie Knope:
Where's Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? How long does it take to fill birdfeeders?

Donna Meagle:
Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?

April Ludgate:
Oh, sorry you guys. Sorry I'm late, I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed because I'm Jerry.

Ron Swanson:
[in confessional] David Myers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something: a schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.

Carl Lorthner:
So! You're too important for me until one of your own gets attacked.

Leslie Knope:
I just feel like there's more we can do to keep the parks safe.

Carl Lorthner:
Oh, you think you know how to do my job? Well, you might not be so confident once you walked a mile in my size sevens. [puts his foot on desk]

Leslie Knope:
Kind of small feet.

Tom Haverford:
Actually, seven is the worldwide average.

Carl Lorthner:
Boom!

Jerry Gergich:
They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension, and my wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake, and I am gonna get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am gonna sit back and enjoy my life.

Carl Lorthner:
Up there is our grass field. It's mostly grass.

Leslie Knope:
Okay, so what did everyone make for their loosely-structured craft time? Lauren?

Lauren:
I made a Gertrude stein! [holds up stein with Gertrude's face on it]

Leslie Knope:
[applauding] Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't want to follow that. [pause] Ann?

Ann Perkins:
Oh, boy. Umm, I... was making some corn husk dolls for everyone, but they... kinda turned out wrong so they look like monsters. [holds up grotesque doll]

Ann Perkins:
[long, awkward pause] I'm sorry. I'm just gonna... [walks across cabin] put that... over there... in the... fire. [throws doll into fire]

Ann Perkins:
Well, Ann's keeping us warm, and that's important. April, [strums guitar] what was your craft?

Ann Perkins:
I drew something on my arm. It's a pioneer watching her grandmother get trampled by a buffalo. [girls crowd around, impressed]

Ann Perkins:
Yeah, this is all the blood coming out of her face...

Tom Haverford:
Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?

Donna Meagle:
Clothes.

Tom Haverford:
Treat yoself.

Donna Meagle:
Fragrances.

Tom Haverford:
Treat yoself.

Donna Meagle:
Massages.

Tom Haverford:
Treat yoself.

Donna Meagle:
Mimosas.

Tom Haverford:
Treat yoself.

Donna Meagle:
Fine leather goods.

Tom Haverford:
Treat yoself!

Donna Meagle:
It's the best day of the year.

Tom Haverford, Donna Meagle:
The best day of the year!

Leslie Knope:
Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better: yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.

Ron Swanson:
It's not a competition.

Leslie Knope:
Oh, but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out.

Leslie Knope:
[in Southern accent] Oh my stars, I'm just a little lady. My fragile constitution can not handle the fearsome outdoors.

Ron Swanson:
I have no problem with strong women, Leslie.

Leslie Knope:
[accent continues] Who's "Leslie"? My name is Annabelle van der Graaf, and... y'all... I just fall to pieces when the sun shines on my hair.

Ron Swanson:
Okay, here's the situation:

Leslie Knope:
Your parents went away on a week's vacation. They left the keys to the brand new Porsche. Would they mind? Umm, well, of course not. [Tom begins beatboxing] I'll just take it for a little spin and maybe show it off to a couple of friends. I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood. Well, maybe I shouldn't. Yeah, of course I should. Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot. I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block. That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking. I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking. [Picks up Jerry's phone, then hangs it up] The sun roof was open, the music was high. And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh. She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far. I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car. I can't believe it, I just made a mistake. Well, parents are the same no matter time nor place. So to you all the kids all across the land. Take it from me, parents just don't understand. [Donna and Jerry applaud] Thank you, thank you. Just a little something I know. So what's up?

Ron Swanson:
Uh, someone is on fire in Ramset Park. They need you to get down there right away.

Leslie Knope:
Oh my God...

April Ludgate:
Leslie!

Leslie Knope:
Hey!

April Ludgate:
Hey! This is my boyfriend Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend Ben.

Derek:
Hi.

Leslie Knope:
Hey! Oh. Wait, sorry. What's the situation?

April Ludgate:
What do you mean?

Leslie Knope:
How does this work?

April Ludgate:
Derek is gay but he's straight for me and he's gay for Ben and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

Derek:
It's not that complicated.

Ben:
No.

Leslie Knope:
Oh. Yeah. Sure. [In confessional] The thing about youth culture is I don't understand it.

April Ludgate:
[to men at a gay bar] She's Leslie Knope and she wants to recruit you!

Jerry Gergich:
Leslie, this guy from the Pawnee gay bar sent you a cake.

Leslie Knope:
Pawnee has a gay bar?

Ron Swanson:
Yeah, The Bulge.

[Jerry and Tom give Ron a strange look]

Ron Swanson:
It's behind my house.

Donna Meagle:
Hey. Why are you all dolled up?

Leslie Knope:
Oh, it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno, I guess they think I'm fabulous or something.

Donna Meagle:
Well, you look good, girl. You gonn' turn somebody tonight.

Leslie Knope:
[laughs and walks away]

Leslie Knope:
That was, hands down, the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!

Ron Swanson:
I don't want this parks department to build, any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.

Ron Swanson:
My dream is to have the parks system privatized and run entirely for profit, by corporations.

Leslie Knope:
So whaddaya wanna see? the DMV? Animal control?

Tom Haverford:
Problem is anything over $25 I have to report. So uh maybe give my wife a call and give her the suits, and then if they don't fit her maybe she'll give them to me?

Ron Swanson:
I don't want this parks department to build any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.

Bill Dexhart:
[the parks department is watching Councilman Dexhart on TV] And to my wife: I apologize. All I can say is, I wasn't just having sex. I was making love to a beautiful woman. And her boyfriend. And a third person whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.

Mark Brendanawicz:
Why does anybody wanna run for public office? You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.

Tom Haverford:
Well, if you're squeaky clean like I am, there's no problem.

Mark Brendanawicz:
Tom, you're married and you hit on women constantly.

Tom Haverford:
Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave, am I right? [Tom raises his hand but nobody high-fives him]

Donna Meagle:
You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.

April Ludgate:
A friend. Burn.

Leslie Knope:
Hey, guys. What are you guys doing?

April Ludgate:
Trying to see who has the least amount of dirt on them in case someone wants to run for office.

Dave Sanderson:
Oh, well, it ain't Jerry, that's for sure. He's got a couple of 3-5-9s on him. Public urination.

Jerry Gergich:
I don't like this game. Just don't like it. [Jerry leaves the office]

Dave Sanderson:
He's probably gonna anger pee in the courtyard.

Tom Haverford:
Hey, Donna, let me ask you something: Do you hate black people?

Donna Meagle:
Excuse me?

Tom Haverford:
'Cause apparently, in 1988, you donated money to the presidential campaign for... David Duke!

April Ludgate:
The KKK guy?

Donna Meagle:
I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.

[eating lunch together]

Ann Perkins:
And he looked up at me and... he said, "Thank you. You saved my life."

Leslie Knope:
[dismissively] Yeah. Hey listen, I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night.

Leslie Knope:
I just have a few more questions for you, Ann. What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if, instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?

Ann Perkins:
Those are all *insane* hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen!

Leslie Knope:
They have happened. All of these have happened to me.

Leslie Knope:
[in talking head] Uh, no, there's more. Uh, one time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar; I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then it got weird.

Andy Dwyer:
I've got the greatest wife in the world! We're married!

April Ludgate:
Stop.

Andy Dwyer:
We're totally gonna do it later.

April Ludgate:
Gosh!

April Ludgate:
Geez Ann, I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor. I'm sorry. My first instinct is to be mean to you.

Lauren Burkiss:
Well my report is due tomorrow.

Ron Swanson:
What's it on?

Lauren Burkiss:
Why government matters.

Ron Swanson:
Really?

Ron Swanson:
[to camera] It's never too early to learn the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples... I'm going to need a different metaphor to give this 9 year old.

Ron Swanson:
What's you name, ma'am?

Lauren Burkiss:
Lauren Burkiss.

Ron Swanson:
Lauren. My name is Ron Swanson, and I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable, screwed up world of local government.

Lauren Burkiss:
You have mustard in your mustache.

Ron Swanson:
Don't sass me, Burkiss. Let's get started. Life, liberty, and property. That's John Locke. This is your lunch. [Dumps lunch onto table] Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? If you want to eat all of it, great. If you want to throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative. But here I come, the government, [takes bite of sandwich] and I get to take 40 percent of your lunch [eats chips, drinks juice] . And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.

Lauren Burkiss:
That's not fair.

Ron Swanson:
You're learning. Uh-oh! Capital gains tax! [Takes another bite of sandwich]

Tom Haverford:
[Tom is playing with a stethoscope, using it on Leslie] Oh my god. Your b*obs are dead!

Leslie Knope:
Stop it! No they're not.

[at the show]

Ron Swanson:
Hey, Mark! This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better-looking sister.

Beth:
[shakes Mark's hand] Nice to meet you.

Mark Brendanawicz:
Nice to meet you. You guys are... together?

Ron Swanson:
Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale!

Beth:
Yeah, Tammy stinks.

Ron Swanson:
[Sniffs] She's near

Tammy 2:
Hey, Ron

Ron Swanson:
Tammy

Ron Swanson:
[Ron's girlfriend is moving away] I just taught her to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick.

Wendy Haverford:
I'm getting really old and I'm an only child. I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home.

Ron Swanson:
I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as a companion.

Wendy Haverford:
Hey, I don't suppose you'd wanna move to Canada?

Ron Swanson:
[Spits out his coffee and laughs] Canada! No. I don't suppose I would.

Ron Swanson:
[Leslie and Ben are visiting Ron and Tammy in jail] Leslie! Congratulate us!

Tammy Swanson:
[Shows Leslie her ring] Ron's got one just like it on his penis.

Chris Traeger:
April, could you come in here a second? [April enters] April, way to come in! Great initiative!

April Ludgate:
You called me in.

Chris Traeger:
Listen, could you please call Ann Perkins and tell her that I will be unable to enjoy lunch with her today as I am just swamped all day?

April Ludgate:
Copy that. [Pretending to call Ann] Hi Ann, this is April. I'm just calling to let you know Chris can't make lunch today. I knew you wouldn't care. Goodbye.

Ron Swanson:
Can you turn the radio off? This is our song.

Ben Wyatt:
Your song is "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie? [Turns to Ron] Oh! Wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That' slovely.

Ron Swanson:
I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction.

Donna Meagle:
I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty komodo wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!

Andy Dwyer:
Oh my God! There's a room full of just guns!

Leslie Knope:
Why do you have so many guns?

Tammy Zero:
This is America isn't it?

Leslie Knope:
Yes.

Tammy Zero:
Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property. Let's go.

April Ludgate:
Ok well that's definitely Ron's mom.

Tom Haverford:
Look, I got some documents over at Entertainment 720 that seem really complicated and I thought maybe you could take a look at them because nerd stuff probably really excites you, because you're a nerd.

Ben Wyatt:
[sarcastically] No, of course, yeah. I'll just put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pour over some spreadsheets. It sounds great. What do you got?

Tom Haverford:
Something called break even analysis tables.

Ben Wyatt:
Oh break evens? Those are really fun! Yeah sure I'll take a look.

Jean-Ralphio:
[to Ben] Who are you?

Tom Haverford:
This is Ben. He's here to help us with the paperwork.

Jean-Ralphio:
Ben is that your real name?

Ben Wyatt:
Yes...

Jean-Ralphio:
Oh you could do better than that. I'm gonna help you out right now, your name is Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don't know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us? We don't have any pens 'cause we're afraid it's gonna leak on our shirts. Well actually I hate the name Angelo I'm gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is [pause] Jell-o shot. What do you think about that J-shot? Any questions?

Leslie Knope:
Basically, we're being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.

Tammy Two:
None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? Who's this tall drink of water?

Andy Dwyer:
Andy.

Tammy Two:
Hey, Andy. How's it hanging?

Leslie Knope:
Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?

Tammy Two:
Well I could do all of these things, and have, but that b*tch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.

April Ludgate:
Ew!

Andy Dwyer:
Can we take a peek at it?

Tammy Two:
Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher, too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and destroy you with just one word. And a jar of acid.

Ron Swanson:
Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. I submitted it to the Indiana fine woodworking association, who felt it merited consideration for an award. It's been a real whirlwind.

Andy Dwyer:
I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.

Ann Perkins:
Hey, April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back.

Tom Haverford:
It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens cause they're unflattering to my hands.

Leslie Knope:
By Swanson standards, we're close. I know when your birthday is.

Ron Swanson:
So does Baskin-Robbins.

Ann Perkins:
It's so cold out here, it reminds me of my wife's lasagna.

Ron Swanson:
If you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it.

Ron Swanson:
I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

Leslie Knope:
I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy. So I was hoping that there was one that you got along with.

Ron Swanson:
No. I hate them both. [to camera] On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

Ann Perkins:
I don't know, at least he finally has a real job. When we were dating, the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or no Deal.

Andy Dwyer:
[Andy is shirtless with a headband, talking to a Camcorder] Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer, and I would be a perfect contestant for Deal or no Deal! [Andy rips guts out of a dead fish]

Leslie Knope:
I want it to be a perfect park with a state-of-the-art swing set and basketball courts, and off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

Tammy Swanson:
Wow. If I'd had a park like that when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall-slut phase.

Tammy Swanson:
It's really good to see you, Ron.

Ron Swanson:
You've aged horribly.

Tammy Swanson:
You... son of a b*tch.

Ron Swanson:
That didn't take long.

Tammy Swanson:
[shouting] Oh my God! What is your problem? Nothing's changed, has it? Who set the bed on fire?

Manager:
[the diner manager walks over] Excuse me, folks.

Ron Swanson:
I DID, OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?

[to manager]

Ron Swanson:
We're fine, we're fine.

[Ron and Tammy sit at different booths apart from each other]

Tom Haverford:
When Tiger Woods feels invincible, he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex.

Ron Swanson:
To exes. [Raises glass in toast] . May they always stay that way. [Contemplates glass] . Tammy is a mean person.

Leslie Knope:
Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.

Ron Swanson:
She's a grade-A b*tch.

Leslie Knope:
There you go.

Ron Swanson:
Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?

Leslie Knope:
She works for the library.

Leslie Knope:
Does she [Tammy] have any weaknesses?

Ron Swanson:
No.

Leslie Knope:
What do you mean, 'no'? Everybody has a weakness.

Ron Swanson:
Not machines. I honestly believe she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Tom Haverford:
I was secretly hoping you got me the shoes Jaden Smith wears in "Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch".

Dennis Feinstein:
I should also let you know you are all trespassing on private property. [Looks skyward] Release The Hounds.

Ron Swanson:
What hounds?

Dennis Feinstein:
The Hounds is an FDA rejected cologne I've been working on that makes everything smell like wet dog. Make it rain!

Donna Meagle:
Gryzzl is going down. You wanna put me on blast, Imma put you on front street.

Leslie Knope:
I don't understand what that means, but I think I get the context, and I love it.

Ann Perkins:
Seniors can get pretty ornery.

Andy Dwyer:
I think that's pronounced horny.

April Ludgate:
We're still going to assassinate him, right?

Ben Wyatt:
Don't say that.

Marshall Langman:
Girl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I love it!

Leslie Knope:
Let's pretend we're old people and ask Ann our most dirtiest questions. I'll start.

Leslie Knope:
[imitating an old lady] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.

Ann Perkins:
Well with the elderly, we're not so much worried about pregnancy, we're worried about disease.

Andy Dwyer:
Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?

Ann Perkins:
I don't think so.

Andy Dwyer:
Because it's happening to me.

Donna Meagle:
Where can I get lube that is healthy?

Andy Dwyer:
I rolled my testicles with my jazzy scooter.

Leslie Knope:
I say you look good, nursy. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!

Ann Perkins:
[pointing to Donna] You should never eat lube.

Ann Perkins:
[pointing to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately.

Ann Perkins:
[pointing to Leslie] And I'm sorry sir, but you need to be under 40 to ride this train.

Tom Haverford:
Oh my God, Jerry? When you check your email, you go to AltaVista and type "please go to yahoo.com"?

Jerry Gergich:
Well, how else would I do it?

Tom Haverford:
You don't have your email bookmarked? Do you have any bookmarks?

Jerry Gergich:
What's "bookmarks"?

Tom Haverford:
God, Jerry! You don't deserve the internet!

April Ludgate:
My mom's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

Chris Traeger:
Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in the United States.

Tom Haverford:
Soon to be third. Look out, San Antonio.

Chris Traeger:
Have you ever had a turkeyburger?

Ron Swanson:
Is that a fried turkey leg wrapped inside a burger? Because if so, then yes. Delicious.

Ron Swanson:
Challenge accepted. If I win, hamburgers stay on the menu.

Chris Traeger:
And if I win, what do I get?

Ron Swanson:
The rarest jewel of all: victory over me, Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson:
I'm not planning to buy anything here. I buy all my hamburgers at Food and Stuff, a place equidistant from my home and work. I'm here for the same reason people go to zoos.

Ron Swanson:
I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff.

Andy Dwyer:
Did you you know that the food you eat becomes energy?

Andy Dwyer:
[kicking the air] That's spaghetti.

Andy Dwyer:
[punching the air] That's tacos.

Andy Dwyer:
[doing another move] That's cereal.

April Ludgate:
That's my husband.

Andy Dwyer:
Chris?

Chris Traeger:
Now Andy, I said one thing.

Andy Dwyer:
April?

April Ludgate:
Pinwheel.

Andy Dwyer:
What's this?

Chris Traeger:
Dragonfruit.

Chris Traeger:
What's this?

Chris Traeger:
Horned melon.

Andy Dwyer:
What's this?

Chris Traeger:
A peach.

Andy Dwyer:
I knew that.

Leslie Knope:
So, I was wondering, how did we get matched up on hoosiermate.com?

Tom Haverford:
I created 26 different profiles, each one to attract a different girl. Tom A. Haverford is athletic. Tom B. Haverford is brave. Which letter did you get?

Leslie Knope:
N, Tom N. Haverford.

Tom Haverford:
Ha! The n stands for nerd. I never check that one because no one ever responds to it. Tom N. Haverford collects globes. His favorite movie is books.

Leslie Knope:
Donna?

[Donna comes up to Tom and kisses him on the mouth]

Leslie Knope:
Every time I want you to shut up from now on.

Ann Perkins:
What's up?

Leslie Knope:
What's wrong with me? Why do good guys hate me and gross guys love me? Diagnose me, you're a nurse.

Ann Perkins:
There's nothing wrong with you. You're an intelligent, classy, attractive woman, but for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling.

Leslie Knope:
So I should go and ask them what they think it is I'm selling. [pause, nods] A douche-vestigation.

Leslie Knope:
I don't know if the online thing is for me. I prefer to meet people in person. It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal: do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like, but is it perfect? Or, do you give it up for what's behind door number two? [pause] I think I like what I have.

Tom Haverford:
Oh can I get some apps'n'sserts?

Tom Haverford:
SSerts is what I call desserts, Tray trays are entrees, I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers, Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z I dunno where that came from, I call cakes, big ol' cookies, All noodles, long ass rice, Fried chicken is fri fri chicky chick, Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm, Chicken cacciatore, chicky catch, I call eggs, pre birds, or future birds, Root beer is super water, Tortillas are bean blankies, And I call forks, food rakes.

April Ludgate:
Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

Tom Haverford:
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.

Tom Haverford:
Girl, you're more precious than Precious.

Donna Meagle:
Uh-uh.

Tom Haverford:
Nice hat, wanna bone? That's you talking to me.

Donna Meagle:
No. How about "Yes, I am a hunter, and it's you season?"

Leslie Knope:
Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?

Ron Swanson:
People are idiots, Leslie.

Leslie Knope:
Hi Marci.

Marci:
Leslie! Are they finally teaching your parks department how to read? [laughs] Oh, I guess not! It's a movie.

Leslie Knope:
You're pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of the Internet. [Leslie and Marci laugh]

Marci:
Let's see. Hmm. You seem to have a forty dollar late fee on a book called MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM.

Leslie Knope:
NO I DON'T!

Marci:
Yeah, you do.

Leslie Knope:
Ann, grab the movie! [Leslie pushes books off the counter; Ann and Leslie run off] Go! Go! Go! Go! Punk-ass book jockeys! [Leslie pushes a cart of books over]

April Ludgate:
[everybody's eating the Nutriyums bar] Oh my god, they're amazing.

Jerry Gergich:
They are more than amazing. They are terrific.

April Ludgate:
Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry.

Jerry Gergich:
No, but it's not less.

Ron Swanson:
Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.

Woman:
But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins every day of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.

Ann Perkins:
Great.

Mark Brendanawicz:
I f***ing hate having a pick-up truck.

Leslie Knope:
I stayed up all night last night making these!

Tom Haverford:
You stayed up all night, the night before an all night telethon?

Ann Perkins:
I love her so much, but I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.

Ron Swanson:
[seeing Perd Hapley doing the worm on TV] What the f*** are you doing, Perd Hapley?

Ron Swanson:
Ron Swanson: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man how to fish and you feed yourself.

Ron Swanson:
He's a grown man. Fishing isn't that hard.

Leslie Knope:
I will now drink 8 glasses of milk in 3 minutes.

Ann Perkins:
[runs onstage] Nope! No you won't, no you won't because if you do that, you will die.

Leslie Knope:
Oh.

Barney:
And that concludes a quick look at QuickBook... s Pro.

Andy Dwyer:
[laughs] QuickBook... s.

[stalling for time during telethon]

Leslie Knope:
Okay, my second favorite episode? Monica's making dinner, and Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend. So Joey says, "Get in the box." Oh, I forgot to tell you: there's a box. Oh, and it's Thanksgiving Day, so they get ready to eat. What is Ross and Rachel doing? Oh, they're fighting. So Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are all together, although is Phoebe there? [long pause] Yes, so...

Joan Callamezzo:
Diabetes: yuck! Tonight, we're hoping the people of Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-sized pockets and donate generously.

Martin Housely:
Weird, wacky stuff!

Joan Callamezzo:
[under her breath] Just stop it.

Ron Swanson:
Everyone is miserable. Tom can only work if there's someone to impress, so stranding him in Freak Island isn't helping anyone. You made April everyone's assistant. You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only perform when no one is looking. Shine a spotlight on him and he shrinks faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

Ron Swanson:
Listen well, for I will not be saying this ever again: I have a compromise.

Marlene Knope:
You got a keeper there.

Leslie Knope:
Thanks. Stay away from him.

Donna Meagle:
This isn't gonna work. [Ron spins his chair away from Donna] Okay, you did not just Swivel away while I was talking to you! This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup" because I can't fly spaceships!

Ron Swanson:
Donna, you know as well as I do these city manager shakeups always peter out. You just have to wait.

Donna Meagle:
Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to Swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him!

Tom Haverford:
Well, well, well. If it isn't Ethel Beavers. What's up, beautiful? Julianne Moore just called; she wants her hair back.

Ethel Beavers:
[Looks at list] Nobody named Julian called.

Tom Haverford:
Never mind. I just need to ask you a couple of questions. One, can you help me out with this project we're doing? And, two, will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party? [Ethel picks up the phone] What are you doing?

Ethel Beavers:
I'm making a test call to your phone to make sure it's working so you don't miss any more calls.

Tom Haverford:
You know what? Don't bother. Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death.

Ethel Beavers:
Okay.

Ethel Beavers:
You two are just the cutest things on four legs.

Muriel:
But why so much black? It's like you're going to a funeral?

Andy Dwyer:
She's got a point, babe.

April Ludgate:
So marry her then.

Muriel:
Ooh, I wish!

Tom Haverford:
Hey, sorry to interrupt the love fest, but can you hand me that folder please, Ethel? [Ethel drops the folder on the floor] Oh, great. Why you gotta be like that, Ethel?

Ethel Beavers:
Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib. [Muriel laughs]

Tom Haverford:
Stop laughing, Muriel. [Ethel and Muriel laugh] STOP IT!

Tom Haverford:
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify: I have no interest in non-nude images.

Donna Meagle:
[Showing her painting] So it's The Last Supper, with famous people from Indiana. John Melloncamp, Larry Byrd, Michael Jackson, David Letterman, Vivica A. Fox! Okay, so, here's where it gets a little dicey because there's not that many famous cities from Indiana, so uh, a Nascar, my friend Becky, Ron Swanson...

Leslie Knope:
Donna, who's the Jesus?

Donna Meagle:
Uh, that would be Greg Kinnear.

[Ben is sitting in the living room when a three legged dog walks in]

Ben Wyatt:
Hi.

April Ludgate:
Champion?

Andy Dwyer:
Champion, oh there you are. We thought we lost you.

Ben Wyatt:
That is a three legged dog.

Andy Dwyer:
Yeah, his name is Champion. Because he is the world dog champion.

Ben Wyatt:
I'm sorry. I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?

Andy Dwyer:
Three! That's what makes him the best. He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.

April Ludgate:
Except for digging. He's really bad at digging.

Andy Dwyer:
Hi Amy, I tried to make ramen in the coffee machine and I broke everything.

Ron Swanson:
Is this everybody?

Donna Meagle:
Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?

Leslie Knope:
Your mother's butt. [Everybody but Donna drunkenly laughs]

Donna Meagle:
I can only drink warm tap water with cayenne pepper.

Ron Swanson:
What exactly will you be cutting and how much of it and can I watch you do it while eating Pork Cracklins?

Ron Swanson:
What's a not gay way to ask him to go camping with me?

Ron Swanson:
Leslie, what do we do when we get this angry?

Leslie Knope:
We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens, and we think of warm brownies.

Ron Swanson:
Go do that in your office.

Andy Dwyer:
That high five was your birthday present. Just kidding, hahaha, that wasn't it. I got you something else. I wrote you a song.

April Ludgate:
Really? What's it called?

Andy Dwyer:
Not telling, but I'll give you a clue. It's named after a month out of the year.

April Ludgate:
So, April?

Andy Dwyer:
No... that would have been way better.

Andy Dwyer:
Let me ask you a quick question: what's the youngest a girl can be that if uh, we go out, I'm not a total scumbag?

Tom Haverford:
You know the old rule. Half your age plus seven.

Andy Dwyer:
Half my age, plus seven. Oh, okay. Well I'm 29, so half of... 29, add seven... that's only 20, is...

Tom Haverford:
Twenty...

Andy Dwyer:
20 years old.

Tom Haverford:
...one.

Andy Dwyer:
21.

Tom Haverford:
and a half.

Andy Dwyer:
Yep.

Tom Haverford:
Yep.

Andy Dwyer:
We got the same thing with the equation on that one. Here's the thing, what if she's slightly younger? Can I go out with someone younger than that?

Tom Haverford:
Please! You totally can!

Andy Dwyer:
Yeah! [In confessional] Tom says it's okay!... That probably means it isn't okay.

Donna Meagle:
Got your birthday shot.

April Ludgate:
Oh, thanks. But now that it's legal, I kind of lost interest.

Donna Meagle:
Suit yourself. [Donna downs two shots at once]

Leslie Knope:
I can't kill the possum, 'cause it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go, because it might be guilty. Can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool. Can't spell the word lieutenant. There are a lot of cant's in my life right now.

Leslie Knope:
Oh, hey Shauna.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep:
Hi Leslie.

Leslie Knope:
Hi! Andy, you remember Shauna Malwae-Tweep, from the Pawnee Journal?

Andy Dwyer:
How could I forget! [They shake hands] You wrote the article when I fell in the pit, and then afterwards had sex with Mark, and everyone talked about it.

April Ludgate:
[the possum is loose in Ann's house] I let it out of its cage because it needed water, and I thought it would just drink out of the toilet or something, but then it ran off and couldn't get back it in. [Glances guiltily at a coffee mug ring on the table] He did that, too.

Leslie Knope:
Oh, boy...

April Ludgate:
Yeah, and then I opened all the doors because I thought it would just go outside, but it won't leave the house! It must love tacky pictures of flowers.

Leslie Knope:
Eugene! Boy, we have a very important job for you.

Eugene:
We'll get to it first thing Monday.

Leslie Knope:
Today's Wednesday.

Ron Swanson:
Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher, which I can assure you, is totally up to your precious code.

Mark Brendanawicz:
Um, this says it should be recharged June of 1996.

Chris:
I'm from Wisconsin, go Badgers.

Leslie Knope:
Boo! Go Hoosiers.

Chris:
No, go Badgers.

April Ludgate:
Where are you going Jerry?

Jerry:
I wanted to talk to Ron about the size of my desk.

April Ludgate:
You have to make an appointment.

Jerry:
How about now?

April Ludgate:
He's not in right now.

Jerry:
He's right there.

April Ludgate:
I will let you know when he's available.

[Ron is in his office and raises his glass to April, who raises her glass back]

Ron Swanson:
Attagirl.

Ann Perkins:
I just wanna check one last time that you're okay about this date with Mark. [Pours coffee for Leslie, who is putting chocolate syrup in her cup at the same time]

Leslie Knope:
Oh my God, I am so fine with it, Ann, seriously. It's so fine! As long as you and I are cool. You know my code: hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. [Leslie puts whipped cream atop her coffee]

Ann Perkins:
Got it.

Leslie Knope:
Ovaries before brovaries. [Eats whipped cream] You make such good coffee.

Ann Perkins:
Look, I know you're saying you're okay with it, but I've been in this position before, and I had a friend who dated an ex, and I said I was okay, but I wasn't actually. It was kind of weird.

Leslie Knope:
The thing is, Mark isn't my ex. You know, we slept together six years ago. Anyway, I 'm over it. Or am I? Just kidding.

Tom Haverford:
[to camera] Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the name of rappers.

Leslie Knope:
And those over there?

Tom Haverford:
Uh, those are some Diddies. There's some Bonethugs and Harmoniums right there.

Leslie Knope:
Growing beautifully.

Tom Haverford:
Those Ludacrises are coming in great.

Leslie Knope:
Look, someone planted something new. What's this? [Touches a marijuana leaf] What do you think, carrots? If that's true, we have a garden pest on our hands. [Smells the leaf] Maybe some kind of spice?

Tom Haverford:
Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, is to roll it up in a joint and smoke it.

Ron Swanson:
I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. [Flashback of Ron sneezing, then howling] But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.

Leslie Knope:
I would like to be president someday, so no, I've not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.

Leslie Knope:
You're not from here, right?

Tom Haverford:
No, I'm from South Carolina.

Leslie Knope:
But you moved to South Carolina from where?

Tom Haverford:
My mother's uterus.

Leslie Knope:
But you were conceived in Libya, right?

Tom Haverford:
Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.

Leslie Knope:
Where did the name Haverford come from?

Tom Haverford:
My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani. Then I changed it to Tom Haverford, because you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it far into politics.

Leslie Knope:
What about Barack Obama?

Tom Haverford:
Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a guy named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Andy Dwyer:
If you rearrange the letters of Peru you can spell Europe.

Ben Wyatt:
That's... that's not true.

Andy Dwyer:
Well, you have to rearrange them.

Leslie Knope:
George, I notice you're wearing glasses; yet, on the day in question, I don't recall you wearing glasses. Could it be because you WEREN'T wearing glasses?

George:
I never wear 'em on the job.

Leslie Knope:
Can you take your glasses off please [George removes his glasses] and-and read this for us?

George:
[George reads the paper in Leslie's hand] "I could read this [Leslie moves the paper away, George reads louder] if I weren't so blind"!

Leslie Knope:
Well, well, that went terribly.

Chris Traeger:
Ms. Swanson, do you, as you claimed, have evidence linking Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?

Tammy Two:
Absolutely. [Leslie shakes her head] I have several photographs that will definitively prove...

Chris Traeger:
May I remind you that you are under oath and that if you lie, I will fire you and have you prosecuted?

Tammy Two:
Nothing. They will definitively prove nothing. You cut me off! Heh heh. I don't have any "evidence"! Oh, Chris, so silly. Okay, bye guys. [stands up to leave] Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yayy!

[Ethel gives Leslie a thumbs-up]

Kelly Larson:
You look sad.

Tom Haverford:
You look like an old goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.

Kelly Larson:
It's a girl, isn't it? I can tell. It's the look that Mike had on his face when Bella turned him down for the dance.

Tom Haverford:
Oh yeah? Is it? What look did your mom have on her face when she realized her son was a complete failure?

Kelly Larson:
Okay. I'll be quiet. But I do know something about heartbreak. And you know who else does?

Tom Haverford:
Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds?

Kelly Larson:
No. A little lady named Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. [Throws Tom a copy of Twilight]

Donna Meagle:
[Enters room] You should listen to him. Those books are GOOD.

Donna Meagle:
Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties or time-traveling romances. [Holds up a book of Twilight] And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee. I'll tell you that much.

Leslie Knope:
A complete list of every slogan we've ever had:

Leslie Knope:
"Pawnee, the Paris of America"

Leslie Knope:
"The Akron of Southwest Indiana"

Leslie Knope:
"Welcome German Soldiers", after the Nazis took France our mayor kind of panicked

Leslie Knope:
"Pawnee, the factory fire capital of America"

Leslie Knope:
"Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers"

Leslie Knope:
"Pawnee, Engage with Zorp". For a brief time in the 70's our town was taken over by a cult.

Leslie Knope:
"Pawnee, Zorp is dead, long live Zorp"

Leslie Knope:
"Pawnee, it's safe to be here now"

Leslie Knope:
"Pawnee, birthplace of Julia Roberts", that was a lie, she sued so we had to change it.

Leslie Knope:
"Pawnee, home of the world famous Julia Roberts lawsuit"

Leslie Knope:
"Welcome Taliban Soldiers"

Leslie Knope:
and our current slogan: "Pawnee, first in friendship, fourth in obesity"

Leslie Knope:
So you're the one who's been emailing me about Twilight. I thought you'd be younger, and a girl.

Kelly Larson:
Well, I'm not. I'm older and a boy.

Leslie Knope:
We are going to the Glitter Factory.

Tom Haverford:
What?

Donna Meagle:
Not me. I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.

Leslie Knope:
...Okay, good. You're gonna take April home.

April Ludgate:
No, I wanna go to the Glitter Factory!

Leslie Knope:
Well, drop out of school and start doing meth.

Tom Haverford:
Leslie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but once you go in there, you will see you cannot unsee.

Leslie Knope:
I'm a feminist, okay? I would never ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be Equality. But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perfect little face. So don't blow this.

Tom Haverford:
Alright.

Leslie Knope:
Okay, lap dances are on me! I mean I'm paying for them. They're not actually gonna be "on" me.

Mr. Commisioner:
I will certify the results after all the precincts have reported. A final tally within 1% will triggers an automatic recount. In the event of an exact tie then the seat is award to the male candidate and the female candidate is put in jail.

Ron Swanson:
Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets.

Jean-Ralphio:
You wanna come home with me?

April Ludgate:
Don't you work at Lady Footlocker?

Ron Swanson:
I have the "Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for Excellence in Female Stuff".

Ron Swanson:
Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I've won an award.

April Ludgate:
This is Stacy Knoblock's house. I went to high school with her and she was super mean to me. Now I know that she dyes her hair. I knew that wedge wasn't naturally blonde! Oh my god. She has to use prescription strength deodorant. This is the best day of my life!

Ben Wyatt:
Ok, I know this text you sent me was a lie and Michael Stipe is not actually here, correct?

Tom Haverford:
Correct, that was a lie.

Ben Wyatt:
Yeah, no, I knew it was. I just couldn't live with myself if it had been true.

Tom Haverford:
And that's why I sent it.