Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Scott Pilgrim:
We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!

[Waiting outside Knives' school.]

Wallace Wells:
I do not want to be here at all.

Scott Pilgrim:
This school has boys, too.

Wallace Wells:
[rolls eyes] Hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a 17-year-old.

Scott Pilgrim:
Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like...

Wallace Wells:
Playtime?

Scott Pilgrim:
That doesn't sound so good, either.

Wallace Wells:
No.

Knives Chau:
Scott!

[Knives runs up to them both]

Scott Pilgrim:
Hey, Knives. This is my cool, gay roommate, Wallace Wells.

Knives Chau:
Hi.

Scott Pilgrim:
He's gay.

Knives Chau:
Oh. Do you wanna know who in my class is gay?

Wallace Wells:
Yes. Does he wear glasses?

Scott Pilgrim:
Wallace, you go now. Begone.

Wallace Wells:
[seizing Knives by the hands, intensely] You're too good for him. Run. [walks away while Scott nervously chuckles]

Scott Pilgrim:
Wallace!

[Wallace wakes up hungover, and is still wearing his clothes from the previous night]

Scott Pilgrim:
Amazon.Ca, what's the website for that?

Wallace Wells:
"Amazon.Ca".

Scott Pilgrim:
[reading] Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah, b...Fair warning... Mano y mano... Seven evil... Blah, blah. This is... [disturbed] This is... This is...

Wallace Wells:
[yanks off sweater] What??

Scott Pilgrim:
This is boring. Dele-ete. [deletes the email.]

Wallace Wells:
[incredulous] Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?

Scott Pilgrim:
Maybe.

Wallace Wells:
It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.

[Doorbell rings]

Scott Pilgrim:
[jumps up] You were saying?

[Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives]

Knives Chau:
Attack hug!!

Scott Pilgrim:
I just woke up and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that wierd?

Ramona Flowers:
It's not weird at all.

Scott Pilgrim:
It's not?

Ramona Flowers:
No, it's just that you have this really convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use. It's, like, 3 miles in 15 seconds.

Scott Pilgrim:
Right, right.

Ramona Flowers:
I forgot you guys don't have that in Canada.

Wallace Wells:
Hey, Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?

Jimmy:
They... have not started playing yet.

Wallace Wells:
That was a test, Jimmy.

Luke "Crash" Wilson:
[offscreen] One, two.

Wallace Wells:
[pats his arm] You passed.

Jimmy:
[nervous] Okay.

Luke "Crash" Wilson:
Good evening. My name's Crash, these are the Boys.

Wallace Wells:
[heckling.] Is that girl a Boy, too?

Luke "Crash" Wilson:
Yes. [Trasha gives Wallace the finger.]

Kim Pine:
[offstage, angrily] They have a girl drummer??

Luke "Crash" Wilson:
This song is called, "I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad". Goes a little something like this.

[Trasha counts in on the drums, and Crash and Joel play two chords]

Luke "Crash" Wilson:
SO SAD! [Song ends] Thank you.

Wallace Wells:
[heckling.] Not a race, guys!

Luke "Crash" Wilson:
All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. [Wallace points at himself, mock questioningly] It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."

Wallace Wells:
Sweet! [to Jimmy] Love this one.

Matthew Patel:
MR. PILGRIM. [lands on the stage] It is I, Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... BEGUN!

[Matthew leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott]

Scott Pilgrim:
[voice slowed down] What did I do? What do I do?

Wallace Wells:
[voice slowed down] FIGHT!

...

[While fighting]

Scott Pilgrim:
Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?

Matthew Patel:
Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?

Scott Pilgrim:
I skimmed it.

Wallace Wells:
Tsk. Mm-mm. [shakes his head]

Matthew Patel:
YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!

...

Wallace Wells:
[to Scott] Hey! What's with his outfit?

Guy:
[dismissive] Yeah, is he a pirate?

Scott Pilgrim:
[to Matthew] Are you a pirate?

Matthew Patel:
[defensive] Pirates are in this year.

...

[At the end of the battle]

Ramona:
Well... It was nice meeting you. Tell your gay friends I said bye. [Gets up and walks away]

Stacy:
"Gay friends"? [Turns to see Wallace kissing Jimmy] WALLACE! AGAIN?!

Scott Pilgrim:
[after defeating Matthew Patel] So... what was all that all about?

Ramona Flowers:
Um, I guess... if we're gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.

Scott Pilgrim:
You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?

Ramona Flowers:
Seven evil exes, yes.

Scott Pilgrim:
And I have to fight...

Ramona Flowers:
Defeat.

Scott Pilgrim:
Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?

Ramona Flowers:
Pretty much.

Scott Pilgrim:
So what you're saying right now is we are dating?

Ramona Flowers:
Uh, I guess.

Scott Pilgrim:
Does that mean we can make out?

Ramona Flowers:
[smiles] Sure.

Scott Pilgrim:
Cool.

Studio Audience:
Aww! [Applause]

Lucas Lee:
Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.

Scott Pilgrim:
The League of Evil Exes?

Lucas Lee:
You really don't know about the League?

Scott Pilgrim:
Um...

Lucas Lee:
The seven evil exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?

Scott Pilgrim:
No.

Lucas Lee:
Oh. Well hey, don't worry about it.

Scott Pilgrim:
[stunned] Really?

Lucas Lee:
Yeah. [reaches to help him up] Let's go get a beer.

Scott Pilgrim:
That's great.

[Lucas punches him in the face]

Lucas Lee:
Boom! [laughs] OOH!

Scott Pilgrim:
You are a pretty good actor.

Lucas Lee:
I'm going for the Oscar this year.

Scott Pilgrim:
But are you a pretty good skater?

Lucas Lee:
I'm more than pretty good, Esé. [pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest] I've got my own skate company.

Scott Pilgrim:
So can you do a "thingy" on that rail? [indicates railing on a set of steps]

Lucas Lee:
It's called a grind, bro.

Scott Pilgrim:
So, can you do a "grindy thingy" now?

Lucas Lee:
Are you serious? There are, like, 200 steps, and the rails are garbage.

Scott Pilgrim:
[innocent] Well, hey, if it's too hardcore...

Lucas Lee:
[glaring] You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?

Scott Pilgrim:
[deadpan] There are girls watching.

Lucas Lee:
[beat] Somebody get me my board.

Wallace Wells:
[pops into view, taps Lucas on shoulder] Hi. Big fan. [passes him his skateboard]

Lucas Lee:
[cracks neck] Why wouldn't you be?

[Lucas starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed]

Scott Pilgrim:
[watching] Wow.

[Lucas speed increases rapidly]

Scott Pilgrim:
Wow.

[Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight]

Scott Pilgrim:
[voice slowed down] Wo--

[Going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps... and explodes into coins]

Wallace Wells:
Wow.

Scott Pilgrim:
Yes!

Wallace Wells:
He totally bailed.

[Scott Pilgrim earned 2,000 points]

Scott Pilgrim:
[realising.] Ah! I didn't get his autograph.

Knives Chau:
[buying blue hair dye from a drugstore while explaining her situation to Tamara Chen] OH, MY GOD! He's dating a fatass hipster chick! I hate her stupid guts! He only likes her because she's old! She's probably, like, 25! Oh, she's just a fatass white girl, you know?!

Tamara Chen:
I think you mentioned she was fat.

Knives Chau:
[preparing to dye her hair] She's got a head start. I mean, I didn't know there was good music until, like, two months ago! Hey, this really burns.

Tamara Chen:
You should rinse.

Knives Chau:
[rinsing her hair] When I got this idea, I just thought, "I have to do it!"

Tamara Chen:
I can't hear anything you're saying.

Knives Chau:
[Looking at her hair in the mirror] Oh, God! I look so...good. Ramona Flowers stole my Scott. But I know how to get him back.

Tamara Chen:
How?

[Knives texts to Young Neil saying, "YUNG NEIL ITZ KNIVES. OMFG YUR SO HOTT."]

[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes]

Knives Chau:
[gasps, standing up]

[Everyone looks at Knives]

Knives Chau:
[to Envy] I've kissed lips that kissed you!

[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor]

Scott Pilgrim:
[stands up, horrified] Knives!

Todd Ingram:
[nonchalant] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.

Young Neil:
[glares at Todd] Oh, my God. You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott] He punched the highlights out of her hair!

Envy Adams:
You are incorrigible.

Todd Ingram:
I don't know the meaning of the word.

Caption:
HE REALLY DOESN'T.

[Young Neil leads a shellshocked Knives away]

Julie Powers:
[changing the subject] So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?

Todd Ingram:
"Fun"? In Toronto?

Envy Adams:
Ha!

Scott Pilgrim:
[slamming fists on table.] That's IT! [Envy gasps in horror] YOU COCKY COCK! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!

[Scott lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air]

Scott Pilgrim:
[choking] My neck. [gasps] Your hair.

Envy Adams:
Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.

[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]

Scott Pilgrim:
[standing up] Vegan?

Todd Ingram:
[moves couch out of the way psychically] It's not really that big of a deal. [kicks and breaks off part of the brick wall]

Scott Pilgrim:
No kidding. [coughs] Anyone can be vegan.

Todd Ingram:
Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.

Scott Pilgrim:
Ovo-what?

Todd Ingram:
I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum, of any creature with a face.

Envy Adams:
Short answer: being vegan just makes you better than most people.

Todd Ingram:
Bingo.

[Todd punches Scott and sends him, screaming, leaving a trail of A's high into the air and out of sight.]

Stephen Stills:
Hey, man, question. I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?

Todd Ingram:
[rolls eyes] Okay, you know how you only use 10% of your brain? That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey.

Kim Pine:
[dismissive] Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?

Todd Ingram:
Go ahead and get snippy, baby. If you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.

[Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him]

Scott Pilgrim:
[weakly] If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?

Ramona Flowers:
It's not raining.

Scott Pilgrim:
Oh. Then, why don't you give me the CliffsNotes on how why you ended up dating this A-hole?

Ramona Flowers:
Is it really necessary?

Scott Pilgrim:
Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes.

Ramona Flowers:
I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by. Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that. We hated everyone. We wrecked stuff, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy. A week-and-a-half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so, I dumped him.

Scott Pilgrim:
Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with? You've never been the dumpee?

Ramona Flowers:
Look, I've dabbled in being a b*tch. It's part of the reason I moved here. I was hoping to just...leave it all behind me.

Todd Ingram:
Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he.

Scott Pilgrim:
He and me.

Todd Ingram:
Don't you talk to me about grammar.

Scott Pilgrim:
I dislike you, capisce?

Todd Ingram:
Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.

Scott Pilgrim:
What?

Todd Ingram:
Because you'll be dust by Monday...

Scott Pilgrim:
[confused] Ummm...

Todd Ingram:
Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up... dust. She dusts.

Scott Pilgrim:
S-so, what's on Monday?

Envy Adams:
[Rolls eyes]

Todd Ingram:
[also confused] Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?

...

Todd Ingram:
I can read your thoughts. [psychically] Your will is broken. [normally] You're through.

Scott:
What say we drink to my memory? [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?

Envy:
Ha. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.

Todd:
Dude, I can see in your mind's eye that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees, in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee]

Scott:
Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee]

Todd:
[eyes return to normal, baffled] What are you talking about?

Scott:
You just drank half-and-half, baby.

[Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops the coffee cup, Anime-style. Two Vegan Police Officers come in with their index fingers raised at Todd.]

Vegan Police Officer #1:
Freeze! Vegan Police!

Vegan Police Officer #2:
Vegan Police!

Vegan Police Officer #1:
Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: Imbibement of half-and-half.

Todd Ingram:
Wh--?! That's bullroar!

Vegan Police Officer #1:
No vegan diet, no vegan powers!

Todd Ingram:
But-but, uh...it's only my first offence. D-Don't I get three strikes? I mean...

Vegan Police Officer #1:
[to Policeman #2] Take it.

Vegan Police Officer #2:
[whips out notepad] At 12:27 am, on February 1, you knowingly ingested gelato.

Todd Ingram:
Gelato isn't vegan?

Vegan Police Officer #1:
It's milk and eggs, b*tch.

Vegan Police Officer #2:
[still reading] On April 4, 7:30 pm, you partook of a plate of chicken parmesan.

[Envy gasps, then glares at Todd]

Todd Ingram:
[feeble] Chicken isn't vegan?

Vegan Police Officer #1:
The De-Veganizing Ray. Hit him!! [both fire de-veganizing rays at Todd, stripping him of his powers. The Vegan Police Officers step back, Scott steps forward purposefully. Todd's hair sags.]

Envy Adams:
[gasps] Oh, my God.

Todd Ingram:
[shocked] No. No...

Scott Pilgrim:
You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone.

Todd Ingram:
[incredulous] "Ve-gone"?

[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins. Scott holds his forehead and groans in pain. The two Vegan Policemen exit in slow mo, high-fiving and exclaiming, "YEAH!" as they do.]

[Scott and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's afterparty.]

Ramona Flowers:
Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.

Scott Pilgrim:
Yeah, well my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes.

Scott Pilgrim:
I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.

Ramona Flowers:
Exes.

Scott Pilgrim:
Why do you keep saying that--

[Scott is kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.]

Scott Pilgrim:
[stands up, thinking] The girl from earlier?

Ramona Flowers:
Roxy?

Scott Pilgrim:
You know this girl?

Roxy Richter:
Boy, does she know me.

Scott Pilgrim:
[deeply confused] What is she talking about?

Roxy Richter:
He really doesn't know?

Scott Pilgrim:
[realisation dawning] Wait.

Roxy Richter:
Hmm. [smiles suggestively]

[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT"]

Scott Pilgrim:
You and her?

Ramona Flowers:
It was just a phase.

Roxy Richter:
"Just a phase"?!

Scott Pilgrim:
You had a sexy phase?

Ramona Flowers:
It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.

Roxy Richter:
"It meant nothing"?!!

Ramona Flowers:
I was just a little bi-curious.

Roxy Richter:
Well, honey... [cracks knuckles.] I'm a little bi-furious!

[Roxy performs a spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]

Ramona Flowers:
Do that again and I will end you!

Roxy Richter:
Back off, hasbian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!

Ramona Flowers:
Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]

[While they fight, Scott ducks over to Wallace]

Scott Pilgrim:
Wallace?

Wallace Wells:
Uh-huh?

Scott Pilgrim:
This is really happening, right?

Wallace Wells:
Oh yeah. [yelling] Kick her in the balls!

[As they continue fighting, Roxy grabs Ramona's hammer with her chain sword]

Roxy Richter:
I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag! [throws the hammer out of the window] Ha!

[Roxy turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]

Ramona Flowers:
I'd rather be dead than go back. He's a creep, you're a b*tch, and you all deserve each other.

Roxy Richter:
Give it a rest, Ramona! This is a League game!

Ramona Flowers:
Meaning?

Roxy Richter:
[stands up] Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!

[Everyone looks at Scott expectantly]

Scott Pilgrim:
[nervous] Uh, I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.

Ramona Flowers:
You don't have a choice.

[Ramona grabs Scott and uses his arms and legs to fend off Roxy's attacks]

Roxy Richter:
Fight your own battles, lazy ass! [vanishes]

[After a few seconds Roxy rematerializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.]

Roxy Richter:
Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. [raises her leg in an axe kick] Your BF's about to get F'd in the B! [brings her leg down in slow motion]

Ramona Flowers:
[voice slowed down] Her weak point's the back of her knees.

Scott Pilgrim:
[voice slowed down] Great, how does that work?

Ramona Flowers:
[voice slowed down] Whenever we were making out I would just...

Scott Pilgrim:
[voice slowed down] Okay, enough!

[Scott pokes Roxy in the back of her knee. Roxy, overcome, collapses on the floor and writhes.]

Roxy Richter:
You'll never... be able to do this... to heerrr...!

[Roxy explodes into coins]

[Scott confronts Gideon Graves, Ramona's last evil ex, at his nightclub lair, the Chaos Theatre.]

Gideon Graves:
You wanna fight me... for her?

Scott Pilgrim:
[arch] Was that not clear? [to the members of Sex Bob-Omb] Was that not clear? [they shrug, mumble "I dunno"]

Gideon Graves:
Now, why on Earth would you wanna do... that?

Scott Pilgrim:
Because I'm in love with her.

Narrator Voice:
SCOTT EARNED THE POWER OF LOVE.

[A flaming samurai sword emerges from Scott's chest, causing him to level up.]

Gideon Graves:
Aww, I think this deserves a song. Kimberley!!

Kim Pine:
[unenthusiastically, subtly giving Gideon the finger] We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!

[After being fatally stabbed in the heart by Gideon, Scott uses a video game 1-UP to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.]

Comeau:
[chatting to partygoers.] No, it's just the comic book is better than the movie.

[Scott barges past him to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing]

Stephen Stills:
Scott! Let it go.

Scott Pilgrim:
Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You guys sound better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... Neil.

Neil:
[pleasurably] Ohh.

Scott:
And Kim... [Kim raises an eyebrow] I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about me.

[Kim, surprised, smiles at him for the first time]

Gideon Graves:
[from the other side of the club] Scott Pilgrim! Hey, buddy!

Scott Pilgrim:
Save it! You're pretentious. This club sucks. I've got beef. Let's do it.

Gideon Graves:
W-w-w-w-wait! You wanna fight me... for her?

Scott Pilgrim:
No. I wanna fight you for me.

Narrator Voice:
SCOTT EARNED THE POWER OF SELF-RESPECT.

[A flaming samurai sword emerges from Scott's chest, causing him to level up even higher.]

Gideon Graves:
[baffled.] Umm...

Scott Pilgrim:
KIM!

Kim Pine:
[extremely enthusiastically] WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE'RE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!

[Sex Bob-Omb starts playing an upbeat rock song]

[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon, They lunge at each other, swords drawn, and Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground upon impact, making him drop his gum from out of his mouth]

Scott Pilgrim:
[landing] How's it going back there?

Gideon Graves:
You... dick! [slumps]

Scott Pilgrim:
[calling] Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramona.

Knives Chau:
SCOTT!!!

[They turn just as Knives flying-kicks Ramona in the head, knocking her to the ground.]

Knives Chau:
[twirls sai] Steal my boyfriend, taste my steel! [Lunges to attack Ramona, but Scott blocks her]

Scott Pilgrim:
Enough!

Knives Chau:
No, Scott! [kicks Scott in the neck] This fat-ass hurt me and I will have my revenge!

Scott Pilgrim:
No, Knives, I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So, are we all good?

[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck fizzles]

Ramona Flowers:
Never felt better.

Gideon Graves:
Yoo-hoo!

[They all turn to Gideon, who is stood directly behind them]

Gideon Graves:
Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts a new piece of gum in his mouth] I thought we had a fight going on here!

Scott Pilgrim:
Oh, you've got a fight, all right.

[Scott prepares himself]

Gideon Graves:
Wrong move, baby.

[Gideon summons an 8-bit pixel katana, and they begin to fight]

[Gideon, gravely wounded, flashes and glitches angrily.]

Gideon Graves:
Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain in my ASS!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid league? Like, two hours! TWO HOURS! [coughs and spits out single coin] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. Nothing! Me, I'm what's hip! I'm what's happening! I'M BLOWING UP RIGHT NOW!!

Scott Pilgrim:
You are blowing up. Right now!

[Scott drop-kicks Gideon in the head, causing him to explode into a shower of coins.]

Narrator Voice:
K.O.!

[Scott Pilgrim earns 7,000,000,000 points. Coins rain down in slow mo]

Knives Chau:
[voice slowed down] Wow!

Scott Pilgrim:
[voice slowed down] Yeah. Wow.

[Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage]

Kim Pine:
[deadpan] There goes our deal.

Stephen Stills:
We're still getting paid, right?

Kim Pine:
There goes our deal.

Stephen:
Oh. [panicked] Oh, God!

[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins; Neil picks one up and tries to eat it; Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit]

An epic of epic epicness.

This summer it's on like Donkey Kong.

Stephen:
[about Knives Chau] She seems nice.

Scott:
[happily] Yeah.

Young Neil:
Yeah, she seems awesome.

Scott:
[happily] Yeah.

[Stephen whistles]

Kim:
Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.

Scott:
[oblivious] Yeah. [confused] Wait, what?

Kim:
I mean, are you really happy, or are you really evil?

Scott:
Like, do I have ulterior motives or something? I'm offended, Kim.

Kim:
Wounded, even?

Scott:
Hurt, Kim.

Kim:
[in disbelief] You? Hurt?

Scott:
[changing the subject] Neil, you were saying about "she seems awesome"?

Young Neil:
Yeah, she seems awesome.

Scott:
Yeah.

[Stephen whistles]

Scott:
Wallace! [Wallace wakes up hungover, and is still wearing his clothes from the previous night] Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?

Wallace:
[nonchalantly] "Amazon.ca".

Scott:
I have to order something really cool.

Computer:
You've got mail.

Scott:
Dude, this thing claims I have mail.

Wallace:
[sarcastically] It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.

Scott:
Dude, now I'm reading it.

Wallace:
[sarcastically] So happy for you.

Scott:
[reading] Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah, b-- Fair warning; Mano y mano, Seven evil-- Blah, blah. This is-- [alarmed] This is-- This is--

Wallace:
[yanks off sweater] What??

Scott:
This is boring. Dele-ete. [deletes e-mail. Wallace sees Scott sitting in front of the door]

Wallace:
[incredulous] Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?

Scott:
Maybe.

Wallace:
It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.

[doorbell rings]

Scott:
[jumps up] You were saying?

[Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives]

Knives:
Attack hug!!

Scott:
Hey! Attack hug. That's so cute. So cute.

Knives:
You don't remember? You were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half-hour ago.

Scott:
[flatly smiling] How could I possibly forget? [Scott chuckles as Knives hugs him and laughs, and Wallace falls back into bed.]

[Ramona delivers Scott's package, and Scott opens the door, the same time Ramona rings the doorbell.]

Ramona:
Uh, Scott Pilgrim?

Scott:
Hi, I was thinking about asking you out, but then I realized how stupid that would be. So, do you want to go out sometime?

Ramona:
Um, no. That's okay. You just need to sign for this, alright?

Scott:
I just woke up and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that weird?

Ramona:
It's not weird at all.

Scott:
It's not?

Ramona:
No, it's just that you have this really convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use. It's, like, 3 miles in 15 seconds.

Scott:
Right, right.

Ramona:
I forgot you guys don't have that in Canada.

[Wallace and Jimmy are about to watch a gig from Crash and the Boys]

Wallace:
Hey, Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?

Jimmy:
[hesitantly] They have not started playing yet.

Wells:
That was a test, Jimmy.

Crash:
[offscreen] One, two.

Wallace:
[pats Jimmy's arm] You passed.

Jimmy:
[uncomfortably] Okay.

Crash:
Good evening. My name is Crash, these are the Boys.

Wallace:
[heckling.] Is that girl a Boy, too?

Crash:
[offended] Yes. [Trasha gives Wallace the finger; audience titters.]

Kim:
[offstage, incensed] They have a girl drummer?

Crash:
This song is called, "I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad". Goes a little something like this. [Trasha counts in on the drums, and Crash and Joel play two chords] ? SOOOOOO SAD!!!... ? [Song ends] Thank you.

Wallace:
[heckling] Not a race, guys!

[audience stares at Wallace, annoyed with the heckling]

Crash:
All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. [Wallace points at himself, mock questioningly] It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."

Wallace:
Sweet! [to Jimmy] Love this one.

[Crash and the Boys play "We Hate You, Please Die."]

Stephen:
[barely audible with subtitles] How are we supposed to follow this? We're not going to win. We're not going to sign with G-Man. We'll never play opening night at the Chaos Theatre. Goddamn, Scott! Will you please stop just standing there?! You're freaking me out!

Matthew:
Mr. Pilgrim! [lands on the stage] It is I... Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... begun! [leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott in slow-mo]

Scott:
[voice slowed down] What did I do? What do I do?

Wallace:
[voice slowed down] FIGHT!

[While fighting]

Scott:
Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?

Matthew:
Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?

Scott:
I skimmed it.

Wallace:
Tsk. [shakes his head] Mmm-mmm.

Matthew:
You will pay for your insolence!

Wallace:
[to Scott] Hey! What's up with his outfit?

Guy:
Yeah. Is he a pirate?

[audience titters]

Scott:
[to Matthew] Are you a pirate?

Matthew:
[defensive] Pirates are in this year.

[Scott and Matthew fight some more, and Scott seizes him by the arms.]

Scott:
[to Ramona] You really went out with this guy?

[spotlight shines on Ramona]

Ramona:
Yeah. In the 7th grade.

Scott:
And?

Ramona:
[sighs] It was football season, and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town. So the two of us joined forces, and we took 'em all down. We brawled, and scrapped, and fought for hours. Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers. We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.

Scott:
Dude, wait. Mystical powers?

Matthew:
[pushes Scott back; to Ramona] You'll pay for this...Flowers. [singing] ? If you want to fight me ?

Stacy:
[confused and flatly] What?

Matthew:
Ha! ? You're not the brightest. You won't know what hit you in the slightest. ? [vocalizes and makes Demon Hipster Chicks appear.]

Stephen:
[stunned] This guy's good.

Matthew:
? Me and my fireballs. ? [hisses] ? My Demon Hipster Chicks. ?

Demon Hipster Chicks:
Tell 'em, Matty.

Matthew:
? I'm talking the talk, 'cause I know I'm slick. ? [winks]

Demon Hipster Chicks:
S-L-ick.

Matthew:
? Fireballs, take this sucker down. Let us show him what we're all about. ?

Scott:
[angrily] That doesn't even rhyme! [throws a cymbal which hits Matthew on his head, and makes the Demon Hipster Chicks disappear]

Matthew:
[thinking] This is impossible. How can this be?

Scott:
[also thinking] Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see. [flies toward Matthew video-game-style and punches his face]

Announcer:
K.O.!

[Matthew turns into coins, thus earning Scott 1,000 points.]

Scott:
[happily] Sweet! Coins. [he picks up the coins]

Man:
God, did that just happen?

Another Man:
That just happened.

Ramona:
Well...it was nice meeting you. Tell your...gay friends I said bye.

Stacy:
[confused] "Gay friends"? [shocked and angry] Wallace! Again?!

[Wallace and Jimmy kiss, and a heart is written over them]

Woman:
Get a room, guys!

Man:
Oh, my God!

Scott:
Oh, man, $2.40? That's not even enough for the bus home.

Ramona:
I'll lend you the 35¢.

Sound Guy:
Yeah, so, Sex Bob-Omb wins.

Knives:
[recovering] Sex Bob-Omb won? [starts whooping, but stops and doesn't see Scott; saddened] Oh.

[later on the bus]

Scott:
So...what was all that all about?

Ramona:
Um...I guess... if we're gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.

Scott:
You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?

Ramona:
Seven evil exes, yes.

Scott:
And I have to fight--

Ramona:
Defeat.

Scott:
Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?

Ramona:
Pretty much.

Scott:
So, what you're saying right now is we are dating?

Ramona:
Uh, I guess.

Scott:
Does that mean we can make out?

Ramona:
[smiles] Sure.

Scott:
Cool.

Studio Audience:
Aw!

Kim:
Where's Knives? Not coming tonight?

Scott:
No, we broke up. Hey, check it out. I learned the bass line from Final Fantasy II. [strums "Final Fantasy II" bass line.]

Kim:
Scott, you are the salt of the Earth.

Scott:
[obliviously] Oh, thanks.

Kim:
I meant, "Scum of the Earth."

Scott:
[obliviously] Thanks.

Young Neil:
You broke up with Knives?

Scott:
Yeah. But don't worry. Maybe soon, you'll meet my new-new girlfriend.

Young Neil:
"New-new"?

[Kim mimics shooting herself through the head while imitating a gunshot, and collapses on her drum kit.]

Stephen:
Okay. From here on out, no girlfriends or girlfriend talk at practice, whether they're old, new, or new-new.

Young Neil:
[at the same time as Stephen] New-new.

Stephen:
We were lucky to survive the last round. It's sudden death now, okay?

Scott:
Okay. [he and Sex Bob-Omb play "Summertime," but a doorbell ringing interrupts him] [excited] That's for me! That's for me, that's for me. [opens door from Ramona] Hey, you're here. [notices Ramona's hair is blue.]

Ramona:
Yes, like you said. [Ramona enters and Scott closes the door.]

Scott:
You know your hair?

Ramona:
I know of it.

Scott:
It's all blue.

Ramona:
I change my hair every week-and-a-half, dude. Get used to it. [Scott stares at Ramona's hair] So...how do you guys all know each other?

Young Neil:
Um, high school, I guess.

Stephen:
What Neil said.

Young Neil:
[introducing himself] I'm Neil.

Kim:
[to Ramona, smiling] Believe it or not, I actually dated Scott in high school.

Ramona:
Oh, got any embarrassing stories?

Kim:
[chuckles] Yeah. [smile disappears] He's an idiot.

Scott:
[puts on hat] Okay, bye. See you guys tomorrow.

Stephen:
What about rehearsal?

Scott:
Neil knows my parts. [he and Ramona leave]

Young Neil:
I'm Neil. [Kim and Stephen stare at him]

[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes]

Todd Ingram:
[to Ramona] Hey, Ramona.

Ramona:
Hey, Todd.

Todd:
It's been a while.

Ramona:
Mmm-hmm.

Todd:
Mmm-hmm?

Ramona:
[to Scott] I think we should get out of here.

Julie:
So how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies? You're like a superstar now.

Envy:
Yeah, it's, uh, not really something I can put into words.

Knives:
Um, Envy... [everyone glares at her] I read your blog.

Envy:
So, Scott and Ramona, eh?

Ramona:
What of it?

Envy:
You guys make a cute couple you know. [Todd scoffs] Suit each other.

Knives:
[pleasurably] You're my role model, Envy.

Envy:
Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable?

Julie:
[interrupts] Envy, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York?

Envy:
[stops Julie, not wanting to explode] I'm talking to Ramona right now.

Julie:
Ramona lived in New York.

Envy:
Oh, did she? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theater for Gideon. You know him, right?

Knives:
[gasps in horror and everyone looks at her; to Envy] I've kissed lips that kissed you!

[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor]

Scott:
[stands up, horrified] Knives!

Todd:
[nonchalant] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.

Young Neil:
[shocked] Oh, my God. [glares at Todd, angrily] You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott; worried] He punched the highlights out of her hair!

Envy:
You are incorrigible.

Todd:
I don't know the meaning of the word.

Caption:
HE REALLY DOESN'T.

[Young Neil leads a shell-shocked Knives away, as Scott angrily stares at Todd]

Julie:
[changing the subject] So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?

Todd:
"Fun"? In Toronto?

Envy:
Ha!

Scott:
[angrily] THAT'S IT! [slams fists on table as Envy gasps in horror] YOU COCKY COCK! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity! [lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air] [gasping] My neck. [stunned] Your hair.

Envy:
Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.

[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]

Scott:
[coughs] Vegan?

Todd:
[psychically moves couch out of the way] It's not really that big of a deal. [kicks and breaks off part of the brick wall]

Scott:
No kidding. [coughs and stands up] Anyone can be vegan.

Todd:
Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.

Scott:
Ovo-what?

Todd:
I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face.

Envy:
Short answer: Being vegan just makes you better than most people.

Todd:
Bingo. [punches Scott and sends him, screaming, leaving a trail of A's high into the air and out of sight.]

Stephen:
Hey, man, question. I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?

Todd:
Okay, you know how you only use 10% of your brain? That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey.

Kim:
[snarky] Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?

Todd:
[irritated] Go ahead and get snippy, baby. If you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.

[Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him]

Scott:
[weakly] If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?

Ramona:
It's not raining.

Scott:
Oh. Then, why don't you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole.

Ramona:
Is it really important right now?

Scott:
Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes.

Ramona:
[looking defeated] I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by. Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that. We hated everyone, we wrecked stuff, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy. A week-and-a-half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so, I dumped him.

Scott:
Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with? You've never been the dumpee?

Ramona:
Look, I've dabbled in being a b*tch. It's part of the reason I moved here. I was really hoping to just...leave it all behind me.

Todd:
Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he.

Scott:
"He and me."

Todd:
Don't you talk to me about grammar.

Scott:
I dislike you, capisce?

Todd:
Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.

Scott:
What?

Todd:
Because you'll be dust by Monday.

Scott:
[confused] Ummm...

Todd:
Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up dust. She dusts.

Scott:
S-so, what's on Monday?

Todd:
[also confused] Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?

Envy:
[sighs] [translating for Todd Ingram] Basically, you can't win this fight, so you're gonna have to give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.

Scott:
[offended] You used to be so NICE! [charges toward Todd in slow-mo, but Todd psychically throws Scott through a brick wall.]

Stephen:
Uh, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza Pizza for a slice. Call us when you're done.

Envy:
Oh, he'll be done. Real soon.

Todd:
[hears a bass note] Sounds like someone wants to get...funky.

[After exchanging bass riffs in a bass battle, Todd wins, psychically breaks Scott's Rickenbacker Bass, and pushes him through 3 walls, having him fall onto a coffee table. Scott sees Todd walk in and gets two coffees]

Todd:
I can read your thoughts. [psychically] Your will is broken. [normally] You're through.

Scott:
What say we drink to my memory? [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?

Envy:
Heh. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.

Todd:
Dude, I can see in your mind's eye, that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee]

Scott:
Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee]

Todd:
[eyes return to normal, baffled] What are you talking about?

Scott:
You just drank half-and-half, baby.

[Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops his coffee cup, Anime-style. Two Vegan Police Officers come in with their De-Veganizing Rays raised at Todd.]

Vegan Police Officer #1:
Freeze! Vegan Police!

Vegan Police Officer #2:
Vegan Police!

Vegan Police Officer #1:
Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: Imbibement of half-and-half.

Todd:
Wh--? That's bullroar!

Vegan Police Officer #1:
No vegan diet, no vegan powers!

Todd:
But-but, I-- It's only my first offence. D-Don't I get three strikes? I mean--

Vegan Police Officer #1:
[to Vegan Police Officer #2] Take it.

Vegan Police Officer #2:
[whips out notepad] At 12:27 am, on February 1st, you knowingly ingested gelato.

[Scott Pilgrim smugly smiles]

Todd:
Gelato isn't vegan?

Vegan Police Officer #1:
It's milk and eggs, b*tch.

Vegan Police Officer #2:
[still reading] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook a plate of chicken Parmesan.

[Envy gasps in shock, then glares at Todd]

Todd:
[feeble] Chicken isn't vegan?

Vegan Police Officer #1:
The De-Veganizing Ray. Hit him!! [both fire De-Veganizing Rays at Todd, stripping him of his powers. Scott tosses his coffee cup behind him, and the Vegan Police Officers step back and blow smoke from their De-Veganizing Rays as Scott steps forward purposefully. Todd's hair sags.]

Envy:
[gasps] Oh, my God.

Todd:
[shocked] No. No...

Scott:
You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone.

Todd:
[incredulous; his last words] "Ve-gone"?

[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins, thus earning Scott 3,000 points. Scott holds his forehead and groans in pain. The two Vegan Police Officers exit in slow-mo, high-fiving and exclaiming, "YEAH!" as they do.]

Scott:
[to Envy] Uh...sorry, I guess.

Envy:
[in disbelief] "Sorry"? You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.

Scott:
You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie.

Envy:
[confused] "Natalie"? No one calls me that anymore.

Scott:
Maybe they should. [to Ramona] Let's get out of here. [he and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.]

Julie:
[appearing out of nowhere] For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now.

Envy:
[annoyed] Shut the [bleep] up, Julie.

Julie:
[obliviously] Okay.

[scene cuts to Pizza Pizza]

Stephen:
We're still going to the after-party, right?

Kim:
I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party. I think a third of the band just went poom.

Stephen:
Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.

Kim:
Then why would we--? [realizing] Oh.

Stephen:
[to Neil] Neil, you down? [to Scott] Scott, you're in, right?

Ramona:
You wanna go?

Scott:
Well...I kind of almost died back there.

Ramona:
I'm not saying I want to go.

Scott:
Yeah, we can totally go.

Ramona:
I'll do whatever you want to do.

Scott:
So, let's go.

["ABOUT TO E-X-P-L-O-D-E" appears]

Ramona:
We really don't have to go to this thing. It'll probably be a bad scene all around.

Scott:
No, I'm fine. It's just--

Ramona:
"It's just"?

Scott:
Well...have you ever dated someone that wasn't a total ass?

Ramona:
Well, so far, you're not a total ass.

Scott:
But I'm part ass?

Ramona:
If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated.

Scott:
Wait, is that good?

Ramona:
It's what I need right now.

Scott:
But not later?

Ramona:
Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay? I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can.

Scott:
I'd just like to live. [he and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's after-party.]

Ramona:
Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.

Scott:
Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?

Ramona:
Exes.

Scott:
Whatever.

Ramona:
No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?

Scott:
I believe I broke up with her.

Ramona:
And was she cool with that?

Scott:
Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it.

Ramona:
You're sure about that?

Scott:
Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy.

Knives:
[whines] No!

Ramona:
What about you and Kim?

Scott:
Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles.

Ramona:
That's it?

Scott:
Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.

Ramona:
That's really the whole story?

Scott:
Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?

Ramona:
Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club.

Scott:
I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this.

Ramona:
Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.

Scott:
[rubbing his eyes] I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.

Ramona:
Exes.

Scott:
Why do you keep saying that? [gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.] [stands up, thinking] The girl from earlier?

Ramona:
Roxy?

Scott:
You know this girl?

Roxy:
Oh, boy, does she know me.

Scott:
[deeply confused] What is she talking about?

Roxy Richter:
He really doesn't know?

Scott:
[realisation dawning] Wait.

Roxy:
Hmm. [smiles suggestively]

[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT"]

Scott:
[to Ramona; shocked] You and her?!

Ramona:
It was just a phase.

Roxy:
[incensed] "Just a phase"?

Scott:
You had a sexy phase?

Ramona:
It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.

Roxy:
[angrily] "It meant nothing"?!

Ramona:
I was just a little bi-curious.

Roxy:
Well, honey... [cracks knuckles] I'm a little bi-FURIOUS! [performs a slow-mo spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]

Ramona:
Do that again, and I will end you!

Roxy:
Back off, has-bian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!

Ramona:
Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]

[While Ramona and Roxy fight Anime-style, Scott ducks over to Wallace]

Scott:
Wallace?

Wallace:
Uh-huh?

Scott:
This is happening, right?

Wallace:
Oh, yeah. [yelling] Kick her in the balls!

[As they continue fighting, Roxy grabs Ramona's hammer with her chain sword]

Roxy:
I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag! [throws the hammer out of the window] Ha! [turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]

Ramona:
I'd rather be dead than go back. He's a creep, you're a b*tch, and you all deserve each other.

Roxy:
Give it a rest, Ramona; This is a League game!

Ramona:
Meaning?

Roxy:
[stands up] Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!

[Everyone looks at Scott expectantly]

Scott:
[nervous] Uh, I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.

Ramona:
You don't have a choice.

[Ramona grabs Scott and uses his arms and legs to fend off Roxy's attacks]

Roxy:
Fight your own battles, lazy ass! [vanishes] [seven seconds later] Lazy ass! [re-materializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.] Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. [raises her leg in an axe kick] Your BF's about to get F'd in the B! [brings her leg down in slow-mo]

Ramona:
[voice slowed down] Her weak point's the back of her knees.

Scott:
[voice slowed down] Wait, how does that work?

Ramona:
[voice slowed down] Whenever we were making out, I would just--

Scott:
[voice slowed down] Okay, enough! [prods Roxy in the back of her knee. Roxy, overcome, gasps and, while moaning, collapses on the floor and writhes.]

Roxy:
You'll never... be able to do this... to herrr!!! [explodes into coins, thus earning Scott 4,000 points.]

[Scott enters the Chaos Theatre.]

Stephen:
[notices Scott] Scott! Let it go. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Scott:
What if I want the satisfaction?

Gideon:
Scott Pilgrim! He-hey! Buddy, welcome to the Chaos Theatre. Somebody get this man a drink. A Coke Zero, right?

Scott:
[knocks drink away] I'm not here to drink.

Gideon:
Whoa. I've got no beef with you.

Scott:
[angrily] Well, what if I have a beef...with you?

Gideon:
Are you still mad about the whole thing with The Guild?

Scott:
You mean The League?

Gideon:
The Guild, League, whatever. It's ancient history.

Scott:
I'll show you how ancient of history it is! [charges at Gideon]

Gideon:
Wait, wait, w-w-wait! [Scott stops running] There's no use crying over spilt Coke, buddy. The lady made her choice, and we're all just gonna have to...move on.

Scott:
Well, I ain't movin', buddy.

Gideon:
You wanna fight me... for her?

Scott:
[arch] Was that not clear? [to the members of Sex Bob-Omb] Was that not clear?

Sex Bob-Omb:
[they shrug] I don't know.

Gideons:
Now, why on Earth... would you want to do... that?

Scott:
Because I'm in love with her. [gasps and falters back]

Narrator Voice:
Scott earned the Power of Love.

[Scott sees a flaming samurai sword emerge from his chest; he grabs hold of the sword and pulls it out, leveling up.]

Gideon:
Aw, I think this deserves a song. Kimberley!!

Kim:
[unenthusiastically, subtly giving Gideon the finger] We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!

Scott:
[after being fatally stabbed in the heart and killed by Gideon; moaning] Oh, man.

Ramona:
Sorry. Dying's got to suck.

Scott:
You know what sucks? Getting killed by that guy. Why him?

Ramona:
It's complicated.

Scott:
Well, I'm not going anywhere, so... now might be a good time to get into it.

Ramona:
Truth is...it was me who was obsessed. I was crazy about him. But he ignored me. I was more alone when we were together than I ever was on my own. That's why I had to leave. And that's when he started paying attention.

Scott:
So, why go back?

Ramona:
I can't help myself around him, Scott; He just...has this way of getting into my head.

Scott:
Well, that's legitimately disappointing. I really will leave you alone forever now.

Ramona:
No, he literally has a way of getting into my head. [shows chip on the back of her neck]

Scott:
[shocked] That is evil.

Ramona:
I didn't mean for you to get dragged into this, Scott. I just wanted something simple. I'm sorry it had to end this way.

Scott:
Well, I really fought for you.

Ramona:
Maybe I'm not the one you should have been fighting for. [turns to dust]

Scott:
What? But-- But-- I feel like I learned something. [saddened] Which would be great if I wasn't dead. [collapses to his knees] So-- So alone.

Ramona:
You're not alone.

Scott:
[notices a video game 1-UP; determined] Right! [uses 1-UP to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.] [to one of Gideon's goons] Your hair looks stupid. [Goon gasps in shock and turns into coins, earning Scott Pilgrim 700 points. Two goons block the elevator]

Right Goon:
Second password? [Scott defeats both of them, earning 700 points each, and goes down the elevator.]

Comeau:
[chatting to partygoers.] I mean, I saw it. It's just the comic book is better than the movie. [notices Scott] Hello. [Scott barges past him, earning 350 points per person, to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing]

Stephen:
Scott! Let it go.

Scott:
Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You guys sound way better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... Neil.

Neil:
[pleasurably] Ohh.

Scott:
And Kim... [Kim raises an eyebrow] I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about me. [surprised, Kim smiles at him for the first time]

Gideon:
[from the other side of the club] Scott Pilgrim! Hey, buddy!

Scott:
Save it! You're pretentious. This club sucks. I've got beef. Let's do it. [charges toward Gideon]

Gideon:
Wait, wait, w-w-wait! [Scott stops running] You wanna fight me... for her?

Scott:
No. I want to fight you for me. [falters back]

Narrator Voice:
Scott earned the Power of Self-Respect.

[Scott pulls out the samurai sword from his chest, leveling up even higher.]

Gideon:
[confused] Umm--

Scott:
KIM!

Kim:
[extremely enthusiastically] WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE ARE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!!!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!!! [Sex Bob-Omb starts playing a faster upbeat rock song]

[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon. They lunge at each other, Ninja-Gaiden-style with swords drawn, and Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground upon impact, making him drop his gum from out of his mouth]

Scott:
[landing] How's it going back there?

Gideon:
You... dick! [slumps, earning Scott 7,000 points]

Scott:
[calling] Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramona.

Knives:
SCOTT!!! [They turn just as Knives flying-kicks Ramona in the head, knocking her to the ground, and unknowingly breaks the chip on the back of her head] Steal my boyfriend, [twirls sai] taste my steel! [lunges to attack Ramona, but Scott blocks her]

Scott:
Enough!

Knives:
No, Scott! [kicks Scott in the neck] This fat-ass hurt me, and I will have my revenge!

Scott:
No, Knives, I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So, are we all good?

[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck shorts out, and powers off]

Ramona:
[relieved] Never felt better.

Gideon:
Yoo-hoo! [they all turn to Gideon, who is standing directly behind them] Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts a new piece of gum in his mouth] I thought we had a fight going on here!

Scott:
Oh, you've got a fight, all right. [prepares himself, and a VS. sign appears between him and Gideon]

Gideon:
Wrong move, baby. [Gideon summons an 8-bit pixelated katana, and they begin to fight. Scott blocks Gideon's swings, and Scott falls to the floor. Gideon almost kills Scott with his pixelated katana, but Knives blocks and forces Gideon back, causing him to swallow his gum. "2 Player Mode" appears.] You made me swallow my gum. [adjusts his glasses.] It's gonna be in my digestive tract for 7 years! [Scott and Knives fight Gideon, but Gideon kicks Knives off, and Gideon and Scott continue to fight; Scott slashes Gideon's cheek, earning 3,500 points, but Gideon breaks Scott's sword] [to Ramona] Yeah. Still my girl. [Ramona puts her arms around him, and Scott looks up nearly heartbroken.]

Ramona:
Let's both be girls. [knees Gideon in the groin causing him to scream in pain. Knives steals the pixelated katana, and Gideon angrily slaps Ramona]

Announcer:
Bad! [Ramona falls to the floor] Bad! [Gideon kicks Ramona down the stairs.] Bad!

[Scott and Knives watch in horror as Ramona falls down the stairs. Gideon turns around to see Scott and Knives staring at him angrily]

Gideon:
[cockily] What?

Announcer:
Get ready! [Gideon's cocky smile disappears] Here we go! [Scott and Knives charge toward Gideon and beat him up.] Good! Good! Good! Combo! [Scott grabs Gideon by the tie, flips him upside-down, and Knives kicks him.] Perfect! [Gideon is flipped around and is gravely wounded, as he flashes and glitches angrily.]

Gideon:
[voice distorted] Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain in my ASS!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid League? Like, two hours! TWO HOURS! [coughs and hacks out coin] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. You're nothing! Me, I'M what's hip! I'M what's happening! I'M blowing up right now!

Scott:
You are blowing up. RIGHT NOW! [drop-kicks Gideon in the head]

Narrator Voice:
K.O.!

[Gideon turns into a shower of coins, earning Scott 7,000,000,000 points. Coins rain down in slow-mo]

Knives:
[voice slowed down] Wow!

Scott:
[voice slowed down] Yeah. Wow.

[Normal speed; Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage]

Kim:
[deadpan] There goes our deal.

Stephen:
We're still getting paid, right?

Kim:
There goes our deal.

Neil:
Oh.

Stephen:
[panicked] Oh, God!

[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins. Neil picks up a coin, and Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit as Neil puts the coin in his mouth]

Ramona:
[gets up and sees Scott and Knives walking down the stairs] You two make a good combo.

Scott:
[happily] Yeah?

Ramona:
Yeah.

Gideon's Voice:
[whispering] Scott Pilgrim. [chuckles] You can defeat me, Scott. But can you defeat yourself?

[Nega Scott, an evil version of Scott Pilgrim, appears]

Knives:
Uh-oh. Nega Scott.

Announcer:
Nega Scott. [Knives and Ramona prepare to fight]

Scott:
[stops Knives and Ramona] No. This is something I have to face. [walks toward Nega Scott] Myself. [tosses Gideon's glasses]

Announcer:
Solo round!

[scene cuts outside the Chaos Theater]

Scott:
[talking to Nega Scott] They have this incredible French toast with, like, bananas on it, and you get bacon on the side.

Nega Scott:
Oh, I'm likin' that.

Scott:
Well, let's do it next week.

Nega Scott:
Yeah, Tuesday.

Scott:
Yeah, all right. Be good.

Nega Scott:
Yeah, yeah.

Scott:
Hey.

[Nega Scott whistles as he walks away]

Knifes:
What happened?

Scott:
Oh, nothing, we just shot the sh*t. He's, he's just a really nice guy. We're gonna get brunch next week. We, uh, we actually have a lot in common.

Knifes:
Your hair, it's getting really shaggy.

Scott:
[his hat appears in a comedic manner] It is?

Knifes:
Yeah. [removes Scott's hat] You should probably get it cut.

Scott:
[smiles] Yeah, you're right. I should get it cut.

Knifes:
At a salon.

Scott:
Salon, yeah. That sounds really nice. [to Ramona] Hey. You're-- You're goin'?

Ramona:
I should probably disappear.

Scott:
After all that?

Ramona:
I still need a new life. I came here to escape, but the past keeps catching up. I'm tired of people getting hurt because of me.

Scott:
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get over it.

Ramona:
I don't mean just you.

Scott:
[saddened] I understand.

Ramona:
I should thank you, though.

Scott:
For what?

Ramona:
For being the nicest guy I ever dated.

Scott:
That's kind of sad.

Ramona:
It is kind of sad.

Scott:
Well, bye, and stuff.

Ramona:
Yeah. And stuff.

[last lines]

Knives:
Go get her.

Scott:
[shocked] What?

Knives:
You've been fighting for her all along.

Scott:
But what about you?

Knives:
I'll be fine. [chuckles and kisses Scott's cheek.] I'm too cool for you anyway.

Scott:
[hesitantly] Ciao, Knives.

Knives:
[encouragingly] Go.

[Scott follows Ramona]

Scott:
[to Ramona] Hey! Hey. Mind if I tag along?

Ramona:
You wanna come with me?

Scott:
Yeah. I thought maybe we could try again. [takes Ramona's hand and they walk through a door with a star on it, and the door closes]

Video Game Announcer:
Continue? 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes]

Todd Ingram:
[to Ramona] Hey, Ramona.

Ramona:
Hey, Todd.

Todd:
It's been a while.

Ramona:
Mmm-hmm.

Todd:
Mmm-hmm?

Ramona:
[to Scott] I think we should get out of here.

Julie:
So how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies? You're like a superstar now.

Envy:
Yeah, it's, uh, not really something I can put into words.

Knives:
Um, Envy... [everyone glares at her] I read your blog.

Envy:
So, Scott and Ramona, eh?

Ramona:
What of it?

Envy:
You guys make a cute couple you know. [Todd scoffs] Suit each other.

Knives:
[pleasurably] You're my role model, Envy.

Envy:
Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable?

Julie:
[interrupts] Envy, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York?

Envy:
[stops Julie, not wanting to explode] I'm talking to Ramona right now.

Julie:
Ramona lived in New York.

Envy:
Oh, did she? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theater for Gideon. You know him, right?

Knives:
[gasps in horror and everyone looks at her; to Envy] I've kissed lips that kissed you!

[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor]

Scott:
[stands up, horrified] Knives!

Todd:
[nonchalant] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.

Young Neil:
[shocked] Oh, my God. [glares at Todd, angrily] You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott; worried] He punched the highlights out of her hair!

Envy:
You are incorrigible.

Todd:
I don't know the meaning of the word.

Caption:
HE REALLY DOESN'T.

Todd:
Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he.

Scott:
"He and me."

Todd:
Don't you talk to me about grammar.

Scott:
I dislike you, capisce?

Todd:
Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.

Scott:
What?

Todd:
Because you'll be dust by Monday.

Scott:
[confused] Ummm...

Todd:
Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up dust. She dusts.

Scott:
S-so, what's on Monday?

Todd:
[also confused] Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?

Envy:
[sighs] [translating for Todd Ingram] Basically, you can't win this fight, so you're gonna have to give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.

Scott:
[offended] You used to be so NICE! [charges toward Todd in slow-mo, but Todd psychically throws Scott through a brick wall.]

Stephen:
Uh, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza Pizza for a slice. Call us when you're done.

Envy:
Oh, he'll be done. Real soon.

Todd:
[hears a bass note] Sounds like someone wants to get...funky.

[After exchanging bass riffs in a bass battle, Todd wins, psychically breaks Scott's Rickenbacker Bass, and pushes him through 3 walls, having him fall onto a coffee table. Scott sees Todd walk in and gets two coffees]

Todd:
I can read your thoughts. [psychically] Your will is broken. [normally] You're through.

Scott:
What say we drink to my memory? [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?

Envy:
Heh. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.

Todd:
Dude, I can see in your mind's eye, that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee]

Scott:
Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee]

Todd:
[eyes return to normal, baffled] What are you talking about?

Scott:
You just drank half-and-half, baby.

Scott:
[to Envy] Uh...sorry, I guess.

Envy:
[in disbelief] "Sorry"? You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.

Scott:
You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie.

Envy:
[confused] "Natalie"? No one calls me that anymore.

Scott:
Maybe they should. [to Ramona] Let's get out of here. [he and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.]

Julie:
[appearing out of nowhere] For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now.

Envy:
[annoyed] Shut the [bleep] up, Julie.

Julie:
[obliviously] Okay.

Stephen:
We're still going to the after-party, right?

Kim:
I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party. I think a third of the band just went poom.

Stephen:
Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.

Kim:
Then why would we--? [realizing] Oh.

Stephen:
[to Neil] Neil, you down? [to Scott] Scott, you're in, right?

Ramona:
You wanna go?

Scott:
Well...I kind of almost died back there.

Ramona:
I'm not saying I want to go.

Scott:
Yeah, we can totally go.

Ramona:
I'll do whatever you want to do.

Scott:
So, let's go.

Ramona:
We really don't have to go to this thing. It'll probably be a bad scene all around.

Scott:
No, I'm fine. It's just--

Ramona:
"It's just"?

Scott:
Well...have you ever dated someone that wasn't a total ass?

Ramona:
Well, so far, you're not a total ass.

Scott:
But I'm part ass?

Ramona:
If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated.

Scott:
Wait, is that good?

Ramona:
It's what I need right now.

Scott:
But not later?

Ramona:
Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay? I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can.

Scott:
I'd just like to live. [he and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's after-party.]

Ramona:
Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.

Scott:
Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?

Ramona:
Exes.

Scott:
Whatever.

Ramona:
No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?

Scott:
I believe I broke up with her.

Ramona:
And was she cool with that?

Scott:
Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it.

Ramona:
You're sure about that?

Scott:
Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy.

Knives:
[whines] No!

Ramona:
What about you and Kim?

Scott:
Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles.

Ramona:
That's it?

Scott:
Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.

Ramona:
That's really the whole story?

Scott:
Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?

Ramona:
Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club.

Scott:
I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this.

Ramona:
Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.

Scott:
[rubbing his eyes] I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.

Ramona:
Exes.

Scott:
Why do you keep saying that? [gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.] [stands up, thinking] The girl from earlier?

Ramona:
[gets up and sees Scott and Knives walking down the stairs] You two make a good combo.

Scott:
[happily] Yeah?

Ramona:
Yeah.

Gideon's Voice:
[whispering] Scott Pilgrim. [chuckles] You can defeat me, Scott. But can you defeat yourself?

[Nega Scott, an evil version of Scott Pilgrim, appears]

Knives:
Uh-oh. Nega Scott.

Announcer:
Nega Scott. [Knives and Ramona prepare to fight]

Scott:
[stops Knives and Ramona] No. This is something I have to face. [walks toward Nega Scott] Myself. [tosses Gideon's glasses]

Announcer:
Solo round!

Wallace Wells:
"Kick her in the balls!!"