The Facts of Life

Blair Warner:
Turn Blue!

Jo Polniaczek:
There are people who in this world get shoved around and there are people who do the shoving!

Blair Warner:
I just had another one of my brilliant ideas!

Tootie Ramsey:
There's going to be trouble...

Tootie Ramsey:
There's going to be trouuubbbllleee!

Natalie Green:
Make that douuubbbblllleeee!

Natalie Green:
Who wants to be a skinny pencil? I'm happy being a magic marker!

Blair:
Whoever said it was lonely at the top was looking from the bottom.

Blair Warner:
I don't go to wing-dings, I go to cotillions!

Jo Polniaczek:
Well if that is a dance at the Hillcrest Country Club, then your cotillion and my wing-ding are the same thing.

Blair Warner:
Do you know what Jo's real name is? Joanna Marie!

Jo Polniaczek:
Only my mother calls me Joanna Marie.

Blair:
Y-you mean H-harrison asked you out on a d-d-d-d...

Tootie Ramsey:
DATE, Blair; we call it a DATE!

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah, to some wing-ding Friday night.

Natalie Green:
Could that be YOUR wing-ding, Blair?

[after Blair goes crashing through the bedroom wall]

Tootie Ramsey:
Excuse me, Mrs. Garrett, did Blair come crashing through here?

Tootie Ramsey:
There's gonna be trouble!

Natalie Green:
Make that double.

[Tootie is a teen model and is ready for her photo shoot]

Tootie Ramsey:
Am I a fox or what?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
[Mrs. Garrett is giving the girls their mail] And the rest is for Natalie.

Tootie Ramsey:
*All* of those?

Blair Warner:
Natalie... have you been writing to prisoners again?

Jo Polniaczek:
[to Blair] You're so spoiled that if you were milk the date on the carton would be B.C.!

Blair:
[Trying to remember all of her family members across the nation] Well, there's the Manhattan Warners, there's the South Beach Warners, there's the Palm Beach Warners...

Natalie Green:
[Interrupting] What about the ones in Hollywood?

Blair:
Who?

Natalie Green:
The Warner Brothers.

Andy Moffet:
I've gotta reach my mark.

George Burnett:
You don't have any marks, except for the one that I'm gonna give you.

Andy Moffet:
Andy Moffet. I fly jets.

Blair Warner:
I'll be sitting down, the audience won't be able to see this outfit!

Natalie Green:
I'm sure they won't mind if you stand on your chair.

Jo Polniaczek:
Life's a bummer. You wake up and you got a mom. The next day you're on your own.

Jo Polniaczek:
Blair can I borrow your black liner?

Blair Warner:
Well okay, but I think a soft brown would make you look not as cheap.

Jo Polniaczek:
It's for my bike, I scuffed it. Lucky for me your make up covers everything.

Natalie Green:
The shop is called Edna's Edibles right? So why not make an edible float?

Jo Polniaczek:
That's dumb.

Tootie Ramsey:
Listen to her, all of Natalie's good ideas sound dumb.

Tootie Ramsey:
I never thought this would happen in a million years. What am I going to say to Natalie?

Blair Warner:
There's not much you can say when somebody's father dies.

Tootie Ramsey:
But I can't believe it! I mean I went home with Natalie last month and Dr. Green played Monopoly with us.

Jo Polniaczek:
Sometimes it happens that way, Tootie, real fast.

Tootie Ramsey:
What's Natalie going to do? How's she going to feel on Father's Day?

Blair Warner:
A couple of years ago when I thought I was going to lose my mother, I kept thinking 'Who's going to help me pick out my wedding dress? Who's going to go with me when I register at Tiffany's? Who's going to be there, no matter what?'

Jo Polniaczek:
You know, it's funny, sometimes you get so mad at your folks and you say 'I never want to see you again'. It's real easy to say when you know you will.

Tootie Ramsey:
But it's not fair! Parents are supposed to get old! Really old! They're not supposed to die until you know how to handle it!

Tootie Ramsey:
I've never been to a funeral before.

Jo Polniaczek:
No kidding, I've been to lots of them.

Blair Warner:
One of the fringe benefits of being a Bronx Barbarian.

Jo Polniaczek:
In my neighborhood we didn't have enough money to throw parties, so we got together whenever the situation presented itself.

Tootie Ramsey:
Jo, a funeral is not supposed to be a social event!

Blair Warner:
In my circle, it can be the event of the season. Mother's friend, Bunny, met her 3rd husband at a funeral.

Tootie Ramsey:
Oh that's just tacky!

Blair Warner:
I'll say, she was burying husband number 2 at the time.

Evie Green:
Your father's dead. It's a terrible thing, but it's what's happened.

Natalie Green:
He had no right! HOW COULD HE DO THAT? HOW COULD HE JUST LEAVE US LIKE THAT?

Evie Green:
Oh honey I know, I know.

Natalie Green:
I can't believe he's gone! What am I going to do without him? What's going to happen to us? Mom, I'm so scared! [runs into her mother's arms]

Evie Green:
Baby, it's going to be alright. We're gonna be alright.

Tootie Ramsey:
You know what I don't understand? How come there are no flowers? When somebody dies, people usually send flowers.

Jo Polniaczek:
Not to a shiva house.

Blair Warner:
What's shiva?

Edna Garrett:
Shiva is the Jewish period of mourning, and the family follows certain customs you know, like wearing that black ribbon.

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah, and there's no music or TV allowed.

Blair Warner:
[sees a sheet draped on the mantle] I wonder what that is.

Edna Garrett:
It's a mirror, but in a shiva house all the mirrors are covered.

Blair Warner:
Why?

Jo Polniaczek:
Because they're a symbol of vanity, Blair, and they're out of place in a house of mourning.

Jo Polniaczek:
You're old. You're ugly. You live with it.

Blair Warner:
[shaking and crying] My mother has a tumor in her breast.

Jo Polniaczek:
[bursting into the kitchen with Natalie hot on her heels] I need a clock! Mrs Garrett, I'm taking your egg timer. I'll take this for a fuse. [begins unraveling some string] I'll get this stuff together, and then I can make some stuff up in the science lab!

Edna Garrett:
[half heartedly] What are you doing, making a bomb?

Natalie Green:
[desperate] Yes, YES!

Edna Garrett:
WHAT?

Jo Polniaczek:
I'm gonna roll it through their front door, and POW! BOY, POW! Dead Kawasakis all over the street!

Blair Warner:
Just be yourself, I'll show you how.

Blair Warner:
Don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Don't even think about me... I realize that may be difficult.

Blair Warner:
Hi Jo, how's your cold?

Jo Polniaczek:
Back off Blair, I'm even less in the mood for you today than usual.

Blair Warner:
I don't know if I should call him or go to Alaska.

Jo Polniaczek:
Go to Alaska.

Blair Warner:
You don't even know what my problem is.

Jo Polniaczek:
Does it matter?

Blair Warner:
There's a man downstairs and he's practically ignoring me.

Jo Polniaczek:
And they said it couldn't be done.

Alexandra 'Alex' Lambarti:
Then daddy made us go to the after party at Buckingham Palace.

Blair Warner:
You were at Buck - Buck - Buck...

Jo Polniaczek:
I think she's gonna lay an egg.

Blair Warner:
[it's the middle of the night] Where is everybody?

Jo Polniaczek:
Those rats! They're probably down in the kitchen polishing off the chocolate mousse. I had dibs on that for breakfast!

Natalie Green:
[Mrs Garrett entered the cafeteria] What are you doing up?

Edna Garrett:
Oh, I needed something for my stomach. I took a few leftovers to bed and they're not sitting too well.

Jo Polniaczek:
Did you eat my mousse?

Jo Polniaczek:
I'm sorry Jo. I mean reeaally sorry. That mousse is just sitting there, antlers and all!

Natalie Green:
[Tootie gets up in the middle of the night to go after Alex, but steps on Natalie] Ouch!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I'm sorry, I forgot you were there.

Natalie Green:
What are you doing?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Shhh! Go back to sleep.

Natalie Green:
I would, but you're standing on my face!

[repeated line]

Natalie Green:
Oh, that's good.

Edna Garrett:
[leaving Natalie and Jo to cook in her kitchen] Now, you know where everything is: flour, the oven, the fire extinguisher?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Natalie, what did you do to me this time?

Jo Polniaczek:
How're the orders coming?

Natalie Green:
9 down, 3 to go, but we ran out of sauce.

Jo Polniaczek:
Tootie! How could you run out of sauce?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Do I look Italian?

Natalie Green:
That was easy.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It wasn't easy, but it was fun. Jo, I'm sorry I grated my fingernail into the cheese.

Jo Polniaczek:
The important thing is we FOUND it.

Natalie Green:
[answering phone] Mama Rose's Original Pizzas... oh, and Edna's Edibles.

Tootie Ramsey:
You ran away from a national tour? Girl those pants are tighter than they look.

Jo Polniaczek:
Do you know that when you shake hands your lips pucker?

Rick Bonner:
[Blocking Blair's path to the youth center office where Jo and Casey are in conference] Excuse me, [pointing to the office] they cannot be disturbed right now.

Blair Warner:
[In here snooty Blair way] And... just who are you?

Rick Bonner:
Oh, I'm Rick Bonner, and I hang out here. How about you?

Blair Warner:
Well, I'm Blair Warner and I *own* here. And I can disturb *anyone* just about *anytime* I please.

Rick Bonner:
[chuckling] I bet your very good at it.

Steven Bradley:
[a box of erotic nighties were delivered in error] Henri's of Hollywood at Eastland?

Edna Garrett:
Oh, Mr Bradley, you can read that label from across the room?

Steven Bradley:
I don't need to read the label. I've seen this stuff up close.

Edna Garrett:
[all the girls shoot him an 'oh, really?' look] Oh?

Steven Bradley:
[visibly uncomfortable] Don't change the subject.

Blair Warner:
[a box of erotic nighties were delivered to Blair] This must be a mistake, this couln't be from my daddy's company!

Sue Ann Weaver:
[holding up a nightie by the label] Oh yeah? Warner Fashions, Henri of Hollywood division.

Molly Parker:
Henri of Hollywood? Isn't he the king of 'Passion Fashion'?

Cindy Webster:
Yeah, I always read ads in those magazines I'm not allowed to read.

Blair Warner:
No, this is supposed to be from the Warner historical department.

Nancy Olson:
[holding up a nightie] I could make history in this baby.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Wow, I never saw a nightie that had... instructions!

Steven Bradley:
[referring to Blair helping Natalie] This time you have gone too far!

Steven Bradley:
[spots Blair with an erotic nightie with lights on] I take that back. You've gone far too far. What is this?

Edna Garrett:
That's not the school uniform. [to Blair] How do you turn them on? No, don't tell me.

Boots St. Claire:
Whoosh!

Natalie Green:
Mrs. Garrett, put yourself in my place.

Edna Garrett:
Okay: I'm failing my classes, the dean just gave me a lecture, my parents are going to hit the roof, I've insulted all my friends... no thanks, Natalie, I don't think I want to be in your place.

Natalie Green:
Neither do I.

Natalie Green:
I'm ready for college!

Edna Garrett:
Why? Because you know how to cruise the student lounge and hang out in the book store? Natalie, if you want to go to college, you have to EARN it.

Natalie Green:
Why can't I go to college NOW?

Edna Garrett:
Because your grades aren't good enough anymore, Natalie.

Blair Warner:
Aunt Natalie, why don't you tell us how we are today?

Natalie Green:
We are suicidal!

Blair Warner:
Aunt Natalie, how are we today?

Natalie Green:
We are suicidal.

Jo Polniaczek:
I was thinking of trying something new with my hair.

Blair Warner:
You mean like washing it?

Natalie Green:
[looking over prospective scholarships Jo could apply for] The Sven Erickson Foundation. To be awarded to a student of Norweigan ancestry whose father is a member of the plumber's union.

Jo Polniaczek:
I don't think I qualify.

Edna Garrett:
Ah. The Judith Gehart scholarship. To be awarded to any young woman who promises to live chastely and give up sins of the flesh.

Jo Polniaczek:
I don't think I wanna qualify.

Jo Polniaczek:
It looks like the rose parade in here.

Blair Warner:
A brilliant idea just popped into my head!

Jo Polniaczek:
Oh well don't frighten it, it's a lonely place in there.

Natalie Green:
I blew it!

Jo Polniaczek:
Well can you blow it someplace else please.

Blair Warner:
Andy would you stop stalling, and call Patty.

Jo Polniaczek:
Hey get off his back, if he doesn't want to call her, he doesn't have to.

Andy Moffet:
Thank you Jo. I knew you'd understand.

Jo Polniaczek:
Well actually I don't, but I defend your right to be a coward.

Natalie Green:
Give me one reason why I shouldn't jump?

Jo Polniaczek:
Does the word, SPLAT, mean anything to you?

Tootie Ramsey:
I'm sure with the right instructions and proper training, anyone could make a parachute jump.

Natalie Green:
Would you do it?

Tootie Ramsey:
Are you crazy?

Jo Polniaczek:
I hit you.

Blair Warner:
No... [sarcastic]

Jo Polniaczek:
But I wanna let you know, I'm never gonna do it again.

Blair Warner:
I admit I can be a bit flamboyant.

Jo Polniaczek:
No, you can be a pain.

Blair Warner:
You throw a great party.

Jo Polniaczek:
I learn from the best.

Blair Warner:
Between you and me, how many votes did I get?

Kelly Affinado:
You don't want to know.

Edna Garrett:
I'm frozen stiff. I'm going upstairs and chip off my pantyhose.

Jo Polniaczek:
What if I have all the wrong music? What if I play Duran Duran and they want to hear Oingo Boingo?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Natalie, I got some good news. You know how you always said you wanted a kitten?

Natalie Green:
Yeah.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Well there's this lady at the drugstore who has a kitten and she wants to get rid of it.

Natalie Green:
Tootie, last time Mrs. Garrett was near a cat, her skin broke out, her eyes swelled up and her nose almost fell off.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It's all in her head, believe me.

Blair Warner:
So where'd you disappear to after class?

Jo Polniaczek:
A bunch of us went over to Sam's for coffee.

Blair Warner:
Who's Sam?

Jo Polniaczek:
It's not a who, Blair, it's a what, Sam's is a coffee shop.

Cathy:
Everybody goes there after class.

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah, you should've come along.

Blair Warner:
Well no one asked me.

Cathy:
No one asks anyone, they just show up.

Cathy:
Remember we're going ice skating tomorrow night.

Jo Polniaczek:
Right.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Hey Jo, I didn't know you could ice skate.

Jo Polniaczek:
I can't, but I fall great.

Blair Warner:
I'm not a very good skater.

Jo Polniaczek:
Who is? We're all gonna be walking around on our ankles like Jerry Lewis.

Blair Warner:
I'm afraid people expect a little more than that from Blair Warner.

Jo Polniaczek:
No they don't. Come on, just grab your skates and stick a pillow in your pants like the rest of us.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Nat, I've got it all figured out. If we eat dinner really fast, we can catch the 6:30 show at the movies.

Natalie Green:
Natalie, we can't eat that fast.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
We can if we don't chew.

Natalie Green:
I don't think so, I've got to study tonight.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Nat, you've been studying all afternoon, what're you going for, all A's?

Natalie Green:
Nope, A+s.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Ever since her father died, she's been calling her mother 2 and 3 times a day.

Blair Warner:
...She's still feeling a little lost.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Well I was hoping after 6 weeks it'd be better.

Edna Garrett:
You know, a few weeks after my father died, some friends took me to the movies to see 'Some Like it Hot'. I laughed for 2 hours, and then I went home and cried for 2 days. I missed my dad so much. How could I have had such a good time?

Natalie Green:
I know what you mean.

Edna Garrett:
But then I realized, I wasn't forgetting my dad when I was having a good time. I was letting go of some of the pain of losing him. Natalie, it's okay, that's how we get on with our lives.

Jo Polniaczek:
Pizza, seventy-five dollars. How can you spend that much on pizza?

Blair Warner:
Don't look at me, I didn't order extra cheese.

Tootie Ramsey:
Look at this, the shoes match the belt, the shirt match the pants, the pants match the scarf...

Jo Polniaczek:
Could you die from over coordination?

Natalie Green:
Ask Blair.

Andy Moffet:
I think I pulled something!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
What?

Andy Moffet:
I'm not sure but I think someday it'll be important.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
I love you and I want to adopt you.

Andy Moffet:
You do?

Beverly Ann Stickle:
With all my heart.

Andy Moffet:
You know how many foster parents I've had in the past five years? Three. On Mothers Day, I just send out a card, 'To Whom It May Concern'.

Blair Warner:
Don't worry when I was his age I had no concept of time either... and I had a rolex.

Jo Polniaczek:
Is it legal?

Blair Warner:
My father does it all the time!

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah but is it legal?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Now Blair, I know you're going to be mature about this.

Blair:
How mature am I going to have to be?

Blair Warner:
I said it, do I have to mean it too?

Blair Warner:
How about some warm milk and cold oatmeal?

Blair Warner:
Nobody lives in Nevada but Wayne Newton.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
That kidney will never fit.

Natalie Green:
Why not?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Because it's a liver.

Natalie Green:
Where *is* Cynthia?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Blair probably sent her on a cruise, the Bermuda Triangle.

Blair:
If I do lose, how will I save face?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Oh you wanna save face? Do what they did in Shogun. [mimicks hara kiri]

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Blair, will you be a good sport, huh?

Blair Warner:
I'm always a good sport.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
No, you're always a good winner. A good sport is what you have to be when you lose.

Blair:
I'm yesterday's news. You might as well use me to wrap fish.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Or to line the bottom of a bird cage.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
She'll be okay, she didn't really wanna kill herself anyway.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
What makes you say that?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
She set it up so you guys would find her. If she was really serious she would've done it like my friend Gloria back home; she jumped off the school roof between history class and home ec.

Natalie Green:
It's just so weird, a few days ago we were joking and laughing, now she's gone.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
When someone transfers to another school, she's gone, Cynthia's not gone, she's dead.

Blair:
Do you have to make it sound so brutal?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Dying IS brutal.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
If everybody killed themself because of a divorce, half the country would be wiped out.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
You girls are under a lot of pressure, to achieve, to succeed, to fit in, to grow up. And I wanna tell you, it's okay to feel confused and frightened and insecure, we all do. And when you feel that way, oh God, please, talk about it.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
But what about people who have nobody to talk to?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
I was mad as hell too when my friend Gloria killed herself. I mean, one minute we was splitting a tuna fish sandwich, and the next thing I knew, she was all over Columbus Avenue. No reason, no goodbye, no nothing.

Blair Warner:
Well there's gotta be a reason, we just haven't found it yet.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
We probably never will. Some kids reach a point where they can't see any other way out.

Natalie Green:
At 16, what could be so terrible that it would make you want to stop living?

Blair Warner:
Why do we even have finals? We've already been tested on the material. Where's the trust?

Natalie Green:
People need to be exposed to the real world.

Blair Warner:
Natalie that's a myth.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Blair, your mother doesn't hate you.

Blair Warner:
She spit in my face... Okay she didn't spit, but I could tell she wanted to.

Monica Warner:
Blair I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to take it the wrong way... I hate you.

Blair Warner:
I'm Blair Warner. Daughter of David Warner. Of Warner Textiles... Yeah, the one in the elevator.

Jo Polniaczek:
I have a journal full of useful inventions, but do I get an award?

Blair Warner:
For what?

Jo Polniaczek:
Well for one, my magnetic toothpaste cap. It always returns to the tube.

Natalie Green:
Why didn't you ever do anything with it?

Jo Polniaczek:
It only worked if you were facing North.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You know, I never think 'my best friend is white'. I just know my best friend is Natalie.

Natalie Green:
This is so depressing. You go through your whole life thinking you know yourself, then you wake up one morning and find out you're a bigot.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You're not a bigot, Nat, because if you were, that would mean I was.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Maybe you can just take it one date at a time. You can handle one date, you've been on hundreds of dates.

Natalie Green:
[pause] 44, and that includes Harvey.

Jo Polniaczek:
There are a lot of narrow minded people out there. Where I come from, black and white couples have a habit of winding up black and blue.

Blair Warner:
There are a lot of narrow minded people in this room too.

Jo Polniaczek:
Don't you give me that, YOUR mother belongs to a restricted country club!

Blair Warner:
It is NOT restricted... anymore.

Blair Warner:
Several of my friends are a lot less prejudice than they used to be.

Edna Garrett:
Sorry, Blair, but there's no such thing as 'a little prejudiced'. Some people just show it in more subtle ways than others.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
When a black and white couple date, everybody only wonders how the white family will take it, they just think the black family will be thrilled. When one of my aunts married a white man, nobody in the family jumped for joy about it, and when they got divorced, everybody was just glad there were no children!

Natalie Green:
Including you?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
...I don't know. I never thought I'd feel this way.

Blair Warner:
I got whiplash! She gave me whiplash! Jo feel my kneck!

Jo Polniaczek:
I don't want to.

Blair Warner:
You did it. You broke my daddy's car!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Natalie, every IRS agent is not out to get you.

Natalie Green:
You're right, this one's out to get Blair.

Jo Polniaczek:
You see I have this problem... her name is Blair.

Tootie Ramsey:
Natalie swore it wasn't that one.

Natalie Green:
I didn't swear.

Tootie Ramsey:
You put your hand on the bible.

Natalie Green:
It was a cook book, I swore on chicken gumbo!

Jo Polniaczek:
[Jo's in the shower after Blair] AHHH! Blair, there's no hot water!

Blair Warner:
Now we're even.

Tootie Ramsey:
[Blair gave directions for a group of guys to wait for Jo, who's in the shower, in their room] Top of the stairs, turn right, first door on your left? Blair, our room isn't the first door...

Blair Warner:
Three, two, one.

Jo Polniaczek:
HEY, WHOA!

Blair Warner:
Now I'm ahead.

Jo Polniaczek:
[talking to the computer] I grabbed the shower curtain before they could see anything. Luckily the flamingos were in all the right places.

Edna Garrett:
What's Jo yelling about up there?

Blair Warner:
Oh, she's upset because somebody used up all the hot water.

Edna Garrett:
No hot water? That's impossible. It would have had to been running for...

Blair Warner:
[maliciously] Hours.

Edna Garrett:
Blair?

Natalie Green:
You are so wicked!

Natalie Green:
[Blair's been trying to psych Jo out, planning her revenge in Jo's presence] Blair, would you mind if I took one little peek? It would mean so much to me.

Natalie Green:
[Blair shows her what she wrote and Natalie's stunned] WHOA!

Natalie Green:
[noting Jo's annoyed look] Sorry. She's such a pro.

Natalie Green:
[Blair takes the paper with her plan on it and goes upstairs with Natalie following her] Have you given any thought to the logistics? I don't think they can send that through the mail.

Blair Warner:
One week Polniaczek... and I'll be able to do anything you can do!

Jo Polniaczek:
You're on! I like watching you make a fool of yourself.

Cindy Webster:
[all the girls are discussing dieting] How about you, Nat? Are you gonna try to be pencil thin?

Natalie Green:
Who wants to be a skinny pencil? I'd rather be a happy Magic Marker!

Edna Garrett:
[Eating a green pepper and lettuce for lunch] Once you get used to the taste of a green pepper, it can explode with flavour.

Molly Parker:
Did it explode yet?

Edna Garrett:
Not a crackle. Not a pop.

Sue Ann Weaver:
[standing of a scale] Okay, Blair. I guess I could lose a few pounds.

Blair Warner:
A few? Kansas City beef isn't that valuable. [gets on the scale]

Sue Ann Weaver:
Well, what about those choice New York cuts on you, Blair?

Andy Moffet:
You should sing a song that's really sexy. You know a song with alot of moaning in it.

Natalie Green:
This contest is being sponsored by a teen magazine, I don't think they're into moaning.

Andy Moffet:
Well then could you just sing it for me?

Blair Warner:
This is the only computer I've ever been able to relate to. Except for the Automatic Teller.

Andy Moffet:
[holding a video camera] Be right back, I wanna go shoot the competition.

Blair:
That's the only way we'll beat them.

Harrison Andrews:
So, you just hop on your bike and hit the road?

Jo Polniaczek:
Only when I don't hold on tight enough!

Harrison Andrews:
So, you just hop on your bike and hit the road?

Jo Polniaczek:
Only when I do not hold on tight enough!

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Blair, you don't think a boy would change schools, change countries, just to take you to a dance?

Blair Warner:
They have before.

Jo Polniaczek:
Eat your heart out! And don't forget to put ketchup on it.

Jo Polniaczek:
I guess when you come from the wrong side of the tracks, guys think your easy.

Blair Warner:
Hey they think that when you come from the right side of the tracks too. Heck, I own most of the tracks and some of them think that about me!

Blair Warner:
You've got not business at that Cotillion and you know it!

Jo Polniaczek:
I've got as much business there as you do, only I got more, I was asked!

Blair Warner:
I haven't been this upset since the price of gold went down.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Part of me wishes you would've beaned him over the head with something.

Jo Polniaczek:
I did... see that's what happened to your other shoe.

Harrison Andrews:
I came to return Jo's shoe.

Natalie Green:
What'd you do with the rest of her?

Blair Warner:
[after Harrison demeans women, unaware Jo's standing behind him] I understand perfectly. What you're saying is there's two kinds of women. The kind you marry and the kind you... don't.

Jo Polniaczek:
That's exactly what he's saying.

Blair Warner:
How could you let him say that? Do something, deck him!

Jo Polniaczek:
I already did that.

Harrison Andrews:
I, uh, guess I better leave.

Blair Warner:
No, buster. You stick around here. I'll deck you! [lunges after him and Jo stops her]

Blair Warner:
Being happy is a full time job.

Blair Warner:
Two of my best friends are there, Neiman and Marcus!

[repeated line]

Blair Warner:
You're such a marvel!

Natalie Green:
Film Appreciation class? Thats tough. Right up there with calculus, physics.

Blair Warner:
It's a tough course Natalie. Have you ever tried to take notes in the dark?

Blair Warner:
Now there's a job for you Jo, a doorman!

Tootie Ramsey:
Well your name did come up casually in conversations that were... casual.

Natalie Green:
Have you been sexually active lately?

Blair:
Is that on the form?

Natalie Green:
No, but I thought I'd ask.

Natalie Green:
Name?

Blair Warner:
Whoopie Goldberg. You know my name.

Natalie Green:
Address Miss Goldberg?

Blair Warner:
I couldn't sell an economy car with a clear consience.

Blair Warner:
Jo, you're not suggesting I stick the Warner hands in refried beans are you?

Jo Polniaczek:
I'm suggesting you stick them in something if you want to graduate.

Jo Polniaczek:
You can't go as Jane Fonda.

Blair Warner:
Why not? Who are you going as?

Jo Polniaczek:
Peter Fonda.

Blair Warner:
You realize of course you'll have to pick someone else.

Jo Polniaczek:
Not on your life, I already got my leather jacket, my boots, and come this Friday night I'll be Easy Rider.

Blair Warner:
You can't go as Peter Fonda, he's a man!

Natalie Green:
She was always a whiz at biology.

Jo Polniaczek:
It's not Peter Fonda, it's what he represents, bikes, freedom.

Edna Garrett:
Girls I have to talk to you. Something's happened in town, you all know Mrs. King?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Sure, the headmaster's secretary.

Edna Garrett:
Yeah well this evening, on her way to her car, a man attacked her, she was raped.

Edna Garrett:
I don't want you girls to panic about this situation, the school is taking every possible precaution.

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah, that's why all those workmen were here this morning, they're installing alarms.

Edna Garrett:
You're telling me, I didn't realize those things were so sensitive. I slammed the refrigerator door this morning and bells started ringing, I thought I'd won the Secret Square.

Blair Warner:
But will alarms be enough?

Edna Garrett:
Oh it's not just alarms, Blair, they're arranging for closed circuit television, electric gates.

Jo Polniaczek:
I know all about these 'precautions' they may keep a few people out, but mostly they lock people in.

Edna Garrett:
[about the women's safety course] Defense is part of it, anybody interested?

Natalie Green:
Not me. I have a silly aversion to being hurled over someone's shoulders.

Edna Garrett:
But who knows? Maybe you'll have a chance to do some hurling.

Jo Polniaczek:
Ah then count me in!

Edna Garrett:
For someone who had such a terrible time, you sure stayed long enough.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I would've been home a lot sooner, but my dress is so tight it took me an hour to hop home.

Edna Garrett:
[Natalie comes in with her jacket torn] Natalie!

Blair Warner:
What happened?

Natalie Green:
I was coming home and I knew it was late so I was hurrying. I wasn't far, Mrs. Garrett, I was almost home!

Blair Warner:
Natalie what happened?

Natalie Green:
A man grabbed me and I tried to scream but he covered my mouth!

Edna Garrett:
My God!

Natalie Green:
He pushed me down and he was holding me down. And all of a sudden I heard people's voices, he must've heard them too because he got up and ran away. Mrs. Garrett, if those people hadn't passed by... Mrs. Garrett, I was almost home!

Blair Warner:
I've been up almost every night with Natalie this week.

Jo Polniaczek:
We've all been up with her, those nightmares of hers are getting worse.

Blair Warner:
Maybe she'll feel better once the man is caught.

Jo Polniaczek:
Caught? The chances of finding that creep are zilch.

Edna Garrett:
Jo, the police are doing everything they can.

Blair Warner:
Mrs. Garrett, last night Natalie woke me up to walk her to the bathroom, that's just down the hall!

Edna Garrett:
Blair, a dark hallway can be very threatening after an experience like Natalie's.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Boy Natalie, the next time you ask me to walk home with you, make sure I wear my track shoes.

Natalie Green:
It was getting dark.

Jo Polniaczek:
At noon? You're right, you never know when a total eclipse is just going to sneak up on you.

Natalie Green:
Sure, you can make jokes, but I've had my eyes opened, I know my limitations, I don't think any of you know what it's like to be a woman.

Blair Warner:
You're kidding, I'm sure?

Natalie Green:
It means that you're weak and helpless, and you don't have a chance out there.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I wonder how much a sex change costs?

Blair Warner:
Natalie has a point, we all bear the burden of being attractive and feminine. [looks at Jo] Well almost all of us.

Edna Garrett:
Girls, attractiveness is not what these attacks are about.

Natalie Green:
You can all go to the city and pretend like nothing's happened. But I can't, I know what's out there.

Jo Polniaczek:
The world is out there, Natalie! Remember the world? You used to like it.

Natalie Green:
I bet everybody in your town knew everyone else, and you never even bothered locking your door.

Edna Garrett:
You're right.

Natalie Green:
And you were never afraid.

Edna Garrett:
Oh I was afraid, especially of the lightning.

Natalie Green:
Lightning has nothing to do with a man coming at you from the bushes.

Edna Garrett:
Of course not, Natalie, but fear is fear, it has to be overcome. Natalie, you don't really wanna hide behind a locked door all your life?

Edna Garrett:
Come with me to the safety class tonight.

Natalie Green:
Why should I?

Edna Garrett:
Because you'll be doing something. You feel helpless, right? Then take some action, help yourself.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Take a look around the room, statistics say about half of you will be a victim of a serious crime at some time in your life. [the girls giggle] Oh that's right, giggle, but it could happen to you. It doesn't have to though, not if you don't go around like a victim.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[showing the instructor how she walks] So, how'd I do?

Self-Defense Instructor:
You were casual, relaxed, in other words, lousy. You look like a victim! What if someone's checking you out? You want to look like you can handle yourself; walk with confidence, maybe he'll pass you by.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Don't look for trouble. You don't want to put him away, you just want to get away. Always avoid confrontation.

Jo Polniaczek:
[laughs] Until I finish this course.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Always! Listen, whenever anybody jumps you, you NEVER have the upper hand so don't try to play it.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Oh listen, when I leave, how do I get out of here?

Blair Warner:
[points] Oh you just go right out that...

Self-Defense Instructor:
[Grabs Blair's hand, pins it behind her back and his arm around her neck] Never let your guard down when a stranger approaches. What're you going to do now?

Blair Warner:
I don't know!

Self-Defense Instructor:
Well your legs are free, kick me.

Blair Warner:
I can't!

Self-Defense Instructor:
You've got a free hand, hit me, go for the groin.

Blair Warner:
[gasps] I can't!

Self-Defense Instructor:
What's the matter Blair? Too un-lady like?

Blair Warner:
Yes!

Self-Defense Instructor:
You're not going to be dealing with Prince Charles out there, no area of the body is off limits, you're protecting yourself, maybe even your life, so please, anything goes.

Self-Defense Instructor:
You see me coming, you sense something's wrong, what's the first thing you do?

Edna Garrett:
Pray.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Okay, then what?

Edna Garrett:
Run.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Right! Run like hell! And?

Edna Garrett:
Scream.

Self-Defense Instructor:
That's right, but don't just scream. Scream 'fire!' That will get people's attention.

Edna Garrett:
Fire!

Self-Defense Instructor:
That's right, again!

Edna Garrett:
Fire!

Self-Defense Instructor:
Louder!

Edna Garrett:
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!

Self-Defense Instructor:
Very good, Mrs. Garrett, very good.

Natalie Green:
I think this is great, it's all very entertaining, it just doesn't happen this way.

Blair Warner:
[all the girls heckle her] The man's an expert.

Natalie Green:
Well I'm an expert too! And when it happened to me, NONE of this would've helped, there was NOTHING I could do to stop it!

Self-Defense Instructor:
How about before it happened?

Natalie Green:
What do you mean?

Self-Defense Instructor:
Was it night?

Natalie Green:
Yes.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Did you ask someone to walk with you?

Natalie Green:
No.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Did you stick to a well lighted path?

Natalie Green:
No.

Self-Defense Instructor:
You used a shortcut?

Natalie Green:
Yeah but I've done it a...

Self-Defense Instructor:
Did you at least listen for footsteps? Check the area for strangers?

Self-Defense Instructor:
Does anybody have a purse?

Lucy:
[lifts hers up] Here, it's a mess.

Self-Defense Instructor:
May I? [dumps out contents] There are a lot of things in a purse that can help you. A good place to go for is the throat, keys, [stabs the air] pencil, hairbrush, or even this.

Natalie Green:
A lollypop?

Self-Defense Instructor:
[holds it with stick pointed up] You hold it like this and it becomes a dangerous weapon.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Killer candy!

Self-Defense Instructor:
Listen when you're really in trouble, all you need is something, ANYTHING that will give you that extra few seconds so you can just get away.

Edna Garrett:
Well Natalie, what do you think? Does any of this make sense?

Natalie Green:
I guess I should've gone home with the party with the other girls. You know, I had that cane for my Charlie Chaplin costume, maybe I could've used that.

Edna Garrett:
Maybe, at least it's an option. That's what these classes are giving us.

Natalie Green:
Okay, I've got options, but I'm still afraid.

Edna Garrett:
Natalie, everybody's afraid, these are crazy crazy times. But life is still sweet. Don't let your fear paralyze you, use it to make you alert, aware and smart.

Self-Defense Instructor:
[after Jo demonstrates an impressive level of confidence] You know something about self defense?

Jo Polniaczek:
Me? Self defense? A little.

Self-Defense Instructor:
Ok. I'm coming towards you and I want your money.

Self-Defense Instructor:
[Jo ably defends herself and gets cocky. Then he turns the tables] Now what do you say?

Jo Polniaczek:
It's in my back pocket.

Blair Warner:
Besides, think of the thrill it would give some deserving young fellow to be asked out by me!

Natalie Green:
I'm going home. I can't cheat Mom and Dad out of two full days of me.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[to Natalie] You got a postcard from your parents in Hawaii, they're having a wonderful time, your mother sent you a hula skirt, and your dad fell off a surfboard, you still want to read it?

Jo Polniaczek:
You lied to your grandparents, you lied to your parents, you're really on a roll.

Natalie Green:
It's called survival. Can you imagine how much fun a weekend with grandma would be?

Blair Warner:
Oh please, with my mother's 3 marriages I'm an expert on grandparents. When they all come over at Christmastime, it sounds like a bunch of antique cars warming up. [coughs and hacks]

Jo Polniaczek:
I never got to know my grandparents, they all died on me.

Grandma Mona:
First they burnt all our hay. And then a mean old looking cossack, started whipping my father.

Blair Warner:
How terrible.

Grandma Mona:
I ran over to him and I said 'you stop hurting my papa!' Then he put a gun to my chest and he said 'Lie down'.

Jo Polniaczek:
Geez Louise.

Grandma Mona:
And I said 'no, if you want to kill me, I'll stand'. He said 'I don't want to kill you, I want something else.'

Edna Garrett:
Oh my God.

Blair Warner:
What did you do?

Grandma Mona:
I don't know, without even thinking, God must've given me the strength, I gave him such a push that he fell back over a milk stool, and I began to run. And I ran and I ran and I ran, until I hid, in a corn field.

Edna Garrett:
And he never found you?

Grandma Mona:
No.

Edna Garrett:
Oh Mona, you're lucky to be here.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
And we're lucky we weren't there.

Natalie Green:
[to Mrs. Garrett about her grandmother] She always says 'don't bother', believe me, BOTHER.

Edna Garrett:
Mona? Mona?

Natalie Green:
Where is she? [turns] She's on the floor! Grandma!

Edna Garrett:
Oh my God! [they rush over]

Grandma Mona:
Yes...

Natalie Green:
What're you doing down there?

Grandma Mona:
My, my leg lifts. It's good for the circulation.

Edna Garrett:
You have no idea what it's done for mine.

Grandma Mona:
Natalie's upstairs and I'm down here, and maybe it's better.

Edna Garrett:
What happened?

Grandma Mona:
I don't know. Natalie isn't Natalie anymore. I think she's too old for me. She says that I treat her like a baby.

Edna Garrett:
I'm sure it's just a little misunderstanding.

Grandma Mona:
Oh no, it's a fight. My granddaughter doesn't want me to talk or sing or even to pinch her anymore. In the first place I don't go around saying 'I think I'll pinch Natalie'. But somehow when I get close to her, it just happens.

Edna Garrett:
I know, I know, it's a reflex action. I still muss my son's hair and he's pushing 32.

Grandma Mona:
Yes, it isn't easy to be a grandmother.

Edna Garrett:
I know. I mean I wish I knew. I have 2 sons who could give me a grandchild, but one of them's single and the other one's lazy.

Grandma Mona:
She says kids don't like to be with old people. All they want from their grandparents is to keep an open purse and a closed mouth. I told her my Natalie is not like that. But I was wrong, and Rose Furillo is right.

Edna Garrett:
No Mona, Rose Furrillo was not right.

Grandma Mona:
Things are not like they were in my days.

Edna Garrett:
Bull feathers. The girls said the same thing to me and you've got to call them on it. There is absolutely nothing, NOTHING, that they are going through today that we have not gone through ourselves... or seen on Donahue.

Grandma Mona:
I can't believe it's been 60 years since I was this girl. Lately I look in the mirror and I say 'no, that's not me. How did I get into that old person's body?'

Edna Garrett:
Mona, you're not old.

Grandma Mona:
Tell that to my doctor, maybe he'll let me drink more cocoa, and less hot water with lemon.

Jo Polniaczek:
Hey where's your grandma?

Natalie Green:
She's driving me crazy, that's where she is. Can you imagine a woman of her age trying to tell me how to run my love life?

Jo Polniaczek:
Oh yeah, she's a real troublemaker. Well I'll tell you, you don't want her, I'll take her, cuz' I could use a grandma.

Natalie Green:
Oh yeah you're the type, you'd just love to have some old lady give you advice, pinch your cheeks, worry you're gonna fall off your motorcycle.

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah, I can handle that. At least grandmas don't look for angles like other people, I mean they don't ask for a thing from ya, all they want to do is love you. I'll see you later.

Jo Polniaczek:
Oh really, what's up Warnzy?

Blair Warner:
Mexican food was the chic thing to serve last month. Nobody's eating it this month!

Tootie Ramsey:
Don Ho is.

[repeated line]

Blair Warner:
Hi all!

Tootie Ramsey:
I call this diplomacy in action.

Natalie Green:
Diplomacy in action? Are you mad woman?

Blair Warner:
All they talk about are clothes and money. They're really very shallow.

Blair Warner:
And these are her little helpers, Natalie and Tootie.

Natalie Green:
The reindeer are outback.

Blair Warner:
Come on Kevin, I've been cooped up here for days, let's go do something.

Kevin Metcalf:
Sorry Blair, I promised Ms. Garrett I'd get this done.

Blair Warner:
I'll buy you lunch.

Kevin Metcalf:
Sorry.

Blair Warner:
I'll buy you a car that'll take us to lunch.

Kevin Metcalf:
Blair, it's 4 o'clock.

Blair Warner:
I'll buy you a watch that says 12.

Leon:
Hey dollface.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Don't call me that or I'll burn your hair.

Mr. Harris:
Mrs. Garrett, word of your drunken spree has spread all over the campus.

Edna Garrett:
What is being spread all over the campus could make the petunias grow!

Nancy Olson:
[after Tootie intimates that she knows a secret about Roger] Roger? What about him?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Maybe you wanna hear it from someone who's had her guts ripped out by love.

Nancy Olson:
[getting impatient] Tootie, what are you talking about?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Oh, you don't want to hear it from a kid.

Nancy Olson:
[picking up a globe] Tootie. Have you ever swallowed one of these?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[after setting the record straight about Mrs Garrett] Well, that's about it.

Edna Garrett:
Tootie...

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Blair, do you know that secret you told Jo about Roger and it was only between the two of you? Well, it was between the three of us.

Blair Warner:
[Both Blair and Jo stand up] You sneaky, rotten little blabbermouth!

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah. I got bad rapped on account of you, you little creep! I'll get you for this.

Blair Warner:
Not if I get her first!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Gee. They're taking it better than I thought.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Well, I'm glad everything's settled.

Edna Garrett:
Whos, hold it Speedy, you're not out of the woods yet.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Whatya mean?

Edna Garrett:
Well, there's the matter of war reparations you have done. Now, since you insist on wagging your tongue, wag it over these.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
What are those?

Edna Garrett:
Invitations to the alumni dance. The envelopes have to be sealed. All one thousand of them.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Just call me Tootie Chapstick.

Edna Garrett:
Don't forget the stamps. [goes towards the kitchen] Tootie?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Yeah?

Edna Garrett:
We're still friends.

Tootie Ramsey:
I think that guy is a shoplifter.

Blair Warner:
Jo, is he a shoplifter?

Jo Polniaczek:
How should I know?

Jo Polniaczek:
Nice girls don't throw trees!

Edna Garrett:
Jo, why don't you audition for a part?

Jo Polniaczek:
No way, I'm not gonna get up there and make a fool out of myself.

Blair Warner:
But you do it so well!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I bet you were the one who put Pine Sol in my prop shampoo bottle. While I washed that man right out of my hair, I could have scrubbed the sink too!

Natalie Green:
The yellow one was your shampoo bottle? What a silly mix-up. I guess that means Mrs. Garrett was Sassooning the kitchen floor.

Natalie Letisha Sage Green:
I said I was sorry!

Blair Warner:
I cannot believe you spilled a half a bottle of $30 wine.

Natalie Letisha Sage Green:
It was an accident!

Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner:
It ate the wax right off the floor.

Blair Warner:
Well, at least we have another bottle upstairs.

Natalie Letisha Sage Green:
Count me out, I feel awful.

Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner:
Well, you should. You swallowed half a can of pineapple chunks and a jar of maraschino cherries, I got sick just watching you.

Natalie Letisha Sage Green:
Well, it tasted good at the time!

Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner:
I'll get some beer.

Natalie Letisha Sage Green:
How will you get beer?

Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner:
I'll get some beer.

Blair:
Who's your toothfairy, the pep boys?

Tootie Ramsey:
Jo, you can't hurt that squirrel. Don't you know he's one of...

Jo Polniaczek:
One of gods creatures. Well he's on my turf!

Blair Warner:
Come on, slave week is supposed to be fun. Just think you buy an upper classman and she's your slave for three whole days!

Tootie Ramsey:
Blair this may come as a shock to you, but slavery is not one of my favorite things.

Jo Polniaczek:
[Switched beds with Blair] Perfumed sheets?

Blair:
[opens the window] What a gorgeous evening. 'The moon was but a chin of gold a night or two ago. And now she turns her perfect face upon the world below'. The Moon, Emily Dickinson.

Jo Polniaczek:
[shuts the window suddenly] It's freezing, Jo Polniaczek.

Natalie Green:
AAAAHHHH! LIGHTS, TOOTIE, LIGHTS!

Tootie Ramsey:
What is it?

Natalie Green:
Something just crawled up my leg!

Tootie Ramsey:
Wishful thinking. Go to sleep.

Natalie Green:
No, Tootie, I saw it, something huge, like a racoon or a rat!

Blair:
Don't be ridiculous.

Natalie Green:
I saw it jump off my bed and scamper across the room. We're being overrun, it's the day of the animals!

Tootie Ramsey:
Take it easy, it's probably just a cute little squirrel. They're always running around the yard.

Natalie Green:
I'm out of here.

Tootie Ramsey:
Natalie, hey, relax. If there is a squirrel in here, all we have to do is leave the window open. He'll find his way out again.

Natalie Green:
Not good enough, move over. [climbs into the top bunk with Tootie]

Tootie Ramsey:
What? There's no room!

Natalie Green:
I don't want some hideous creature...

Tootie Ramsey:
God's creatures!

Natalie Green:
Great. I don't want one of God's creatures hibernating in my nightie. Now move over!

[last lines]

Edna Garrett:
Can you imagine what that family thinks of Americans after tonight? They'll probably go back to France and never want to visit the United States again.

Edna Garrett:
[Begins smiling maliciously after a pause] Boy. That squirrel really flew out of the box, didn't it?

Natalie Green:
[all the girls begin smiling] Zoom.

Jo Polniaczek:
Flew through the air like Evil Knievel.

Tootie Ramsey:
And did you see the way Marie jumped on that table and refused to come down?

Edna Garrett:
SHE flew through the air like Evil Knievel!

Blair Warner:
[Trying to decide on a name for their shop] It should apply to our situation...

Natalie Green:
How about, 'Trapped with an irritating rich girl'?

Blair Warner:
You know Mrs. Garrett doesn't allow you to date on school nights.

Tootie Ramsey:
She does on special occasions.

Blair Warner:
And what is the special occasion?

Tootie Ramsey:
She's out of town.

Natalie Green:
I don't believe this, I'm working for minimum wage, and I'll allowing myself to be tested... in hairnets!

Andy Moffet:
Come on, I'll show you how to make a snowman.

Pippa McKenna:
A snow-woman.

Andy Moffet:
Guess we won't need the carrot.

Jo Polniaczek:
Excuse me, I have to go lighten my ink.

Blair Warner:
She's stealing our escargots, I'm calling the police!

Jo Polniaczek:
Blar, I'm not you.

Blair Warner:
Well that's obvious dear.

Jo Polniaczek:
[after catching Kelly shoplifting in the store] Wait a minute. [takes a jar from Kelly's pocket] Marinated baby corn?

Kelly Affinado:
Can I help it if you don't have any normal food in here?

Jo Polniaczek:
Look, kid. There's a bus coming down the street in ten minutes, be under it.

Jo Polniaczek:
[about to meet Bill's parents, whom he kept secret] Now I understand why you didn't want me to have dinner with them. You're ashamed of dating someone like me. Don't worry, I'm not gonna pick my teeth with my fork. I'm just gonna be myself.

Jo Polniaczek:
[goes to the table and sticks out her hand] How ya doin' mom? Pops?

Jo Polniaczek:
So... I hear you folks have more money than God.

William Ogden Smith III:
So what's your father do?

Jo Polniaczek:
Time.

Mrs. Smith:
Pardon?

Jo Polniaczek:
Oh no thanks, Judge, he don't need a pardon, he's been on parole for 2 years.

Mrs. Smith:
So Bill tells us you're from New York.

Jo Polniaczek:
Naw, I'm from the Bronx, you know the Bronx, it's that poor place you people slum through on your way to the airport.

Natalie Green:
You're looking at zero self image here with heavy psychiatrist bills in the future!

Blair Warner:
And heavy doctor bills right now.

Tootie Ramsey:
Remember me, your little worker-bee?

Blair Warner:
Did I really call you that? Oh forgive me!

Blair Warner:
I'm damaged goods. I'm less than perfect.

Casey Clark:
Well I hate to break it to you, but you were never perfect.

Blair Warner:
You don't like my nose?

Casey Clark:
No... that's not the point. The point is I love you anyway.

Blair Warner:
You know the worst part about falling asleep at the wheel. I didn't get to see my whole life pass before my eyes.

Jo Polniaczek:
Well that would of killed you for sure. [Blair laughs]

Blair Warner:
I want you to tell me what I look like, no jokes.

Jo Polniaczek:
Well, pretty bruised up, you have a, bandage on your forehead, fat lip. I like it.

Natalie Green:
Jo where've you been? You missed a fabulous dinner. Tootie made it! And we ate it!

Casey Clark:
I can't believe you'd give up a very promising relationship because you're afraid to face me with a scratch on your head. [Blair peels off her bandage] Okay, that's definitely more than a scratch. In fact it's one pretty damn ugly looking thing. But it's no reason to stop seeing each other.

Blair Warner:
When I was 6 years old my mama bought me this little white dress, and it had uh, this little white hat, and these little white gloves, and little white shoes. I looked perfectly perfect. She told me, she told me 'Be very, very careful, and not get dirty. Because one spot, could ruin the whole outfit.' I was so careful!

Jo Polniaczek:
Blair.

Blair Warner:
All it takes is one slip, one second, and your whole life changes forever.

Jo Polniaczek:
You know it could've changed a lot more, the doctor said you were very lucky.

Blair Warner:
The doctor said I can get plastic surgery next week. But even then there'll always be... a scar.

Casey Clark:
Oh I see... a permanent scar. Maybe you're right. I guess we should stop seeing each other. But let's stay friends, okay? Bye. [walks out the door, then comes back] That's what you expect me to do, isn't it? Just walk out on you, right? Give me a little more credit, lady.

Blair Warner:
[to Jo] He's propsed a challenge even more difficult, a makeover for you.

Marshall Ramsey:
Don't call Mom and Dad.

Tootie Ramsey:
Why?

Marshall Ramsey:
Because... A few months ago I was arrested for a DUI. The police called Mom and Dad then.

Tootie Ramsey:
DUI?

Marshall Ramsey:
Driving under the influence.

Tootie Ramsey:
[hopelessly] Oh... Marshall.

Natalie Green:
Why won't my knee stop shaking?

Blair Warner:
You know Marshall, there's one thing I've always wanted to do, drive a station wagon! Why don't you give me the keys?

Marshall Ramsey:
Hey I took psyche, you all think I'm too bombed to drive, don't you?

Natalie Green:
You could've skipped psyche and figured that out.

Blair Warner:
Why didn't I leave with Jo? I could've had a perfectly safe ride on the back of her filthy bike.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I don't know why Jo was in such a rush to leave.

Natalie Green:
Because she's smart that's why.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It's because she doesn't know how to have a good time.

Natalie Green:
Like George?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
You were in an accident, right?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
No.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Don't give me that, Marshall was driving and he was drunk!

Blair Warner:
Jo, don't yell.

Natalie Green:
Blair, my knee won't stop shaking.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Alright, what happened?

Blair Warner:
He knocked down a tree.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
A small tree.

Blair Warner:
I told Marshall he was going too fast, and then he ran right through a red light.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It was yellow!

Blair Warner:
It was red, Tootie! And there was another car coming, I screamed!

Natalie Green:
You screamed?

Blair Warner:
And then we went right off the road!

Natalie Green:
Why won't my knee stop shaking?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
It's alright, Nat, just take it easy.

Blair Warner:
We could've been killed.

Marshall Ramsey:
I still don't know how it happened. They should have warning lights at that crossing.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Marshall, it wasn't your fault, it was just an accident.

Natalie Green:
That was no accident, Tootie, that was five beers!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Look Tootie, something awful happened tonight AND IT COULD'VE BEEN 10 TIMES WORSE!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I know it was awful, alright? But it's over now!

Blair Warner:
Is it? He's about to drive off to another party.

Edna Garrett:
There was an accident, wasn't there?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Well you know the roads, they're really slippery, and there should be a warning...

Edna Garrett:
Marshall was drinking, wasn't he?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
No! Okay, so he had a few beers, but he wasn't drunk, Mrs. Garrett.

Edna Garrett:
Oh Tootie PLEASE! I saw Marshall, I know that look. Unfortunately I'm a bit of an expert, my ex-husband was 'never drunk' either.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Mrs. Garrett, it was just beer!

Edna Garrett:
Just beer? And beer isn't alcohol. How many times have I heard that one? What right did Marshall have to take chances with your lives? Or the lives of anyone who happened to be on that highway?

Edna Garrett:
It's your parents car, they've got a right to know what's happened.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Are you crazy? I'm sorry Mrs. Garrett but they're the last people we would call. You know how strict my dad is, if he finds out he won't let Marshall take the car to Florida on the spring break.

Edna Garrett:
Worse things could happen.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Yeah, like what?

Edna Garrett:
Come on, Tootie, you're smarter than that.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You said you were coming by early this morning.

Marshall Ramsey:
[just getting up] What time is it?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
11:15, I took a bus over.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You got drunk again.

Marshall Ramsey:
I don't get drunk on beer.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
That's a lie! You were last night! When you're sober you don't go through red lights.

Marshall Ramsey:
That light was yellow.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It was red!

Marshall Ramsey:
Okay, orange!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Marshall, we could've all been killed!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Guess what we just dug up from our solar green house...

Blair Warner:
Your face?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
No, Blair, a bok-choy!

Edna Garrett:
Ah! Chinese cabbage!

Blair Warner:
Well! E-I-E-I-O.

Edna Garrett:
Let's cook up Jo's bok choy for dinner.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Nobody's cooking this, it's going in my scrapbook.

Blair Warner:
My mother's made a date with her latest conquest, Justin Branch. He's a married man! I never want to hear 'like mother, like daughter' again.

Edna Garrett:
Oh, but Blair, your mother and Mr. Branch are old friends. They're having an innocent reunion.

Blair Warner:
I've lost three fathers because of 'innocent' little reunions like this. I wonder how many husbands I'll go through.

Edna Garrett:
Blair is very upset. Her mother's about to become involved with a man here.

Steven Bradley:
She is? Did she tell you where she wants me to meet her?

Blair Warner:
[Blair enters the banquet room and is surprised to find that only Mr. Bradley and Miss Mahoney are present] Where's my mother? Did she leave?

Monica Warner:
[Monica, Nancy, Molly, Cindy. Natalie and Tootie enter the banquet room from the kitchen] Oh, Blair, you look beautiful.

Blair Warner:
Is that you mother? In an apron?

Monica Warner:
Well, I thought it was about time that I started acting a little more like you than you like me.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
You can't just leave them in there staring at my microwave.

Jo Polniaczek:
No problem. We'll put Natalie in it and let them watch her explode.

Natalie Green:
Because of me, you two are meeting your perfect match.

Blair Warner:
Perfect? He's not even blonde.

Blair Warner:
And if I'm not perfect... and that's a big IF. It certainly wasn't his place to say so.

Jo Polniaczek:
Your right. It's my place.

Blair Warner:
Maybe for the first time in my life, I'm really in love.

Tootie Ramsey:
Blair's been acting different lately, she's not acting like Blair anymore.

Jo Polniaczek:
Is that a bad thing?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
She's still sitting there.

Tootie Ramsey:
She's been like that for over an hour.

Natalie Green:
You don't think Chad could of stood her up do you?

Jo Polniaczek:
No she's early.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
She's what?

Tootie Ramsey:
Now do you see why I'm so worried? Blair was born two weeks premature and hasn't been early for anything since!

Blair Warner:
Go to bed!

Jo Polniaczek:
I'm not tired!

Blair Warner:
You are sooo suspicious!

Blair Warner:
I think about him all the time, when I'm setting my hair, when I'm doing my homework, when I'm taking out the garbage... especially when I'm taking out the garbage.

Jo Polniaczek:
That figures.

Blair Warner:
You were so interested in getting him in the house, because you and Kevin have a thing going!

Jo Polniaczek:
We do not have a thing going. Nothing going. No thing.

Tootie Ramsey:
People would start calling us trollops!

Jo Polniaczek:
Trollops? Tootie no one says trollops anymore.

Tootie Ramsey:
They'd bring it back for us.

Natalie Green:
Do you know how hard is to be nice all the time?

Blair Warner:
Do I...

Blair Warner:
We use him, he uses us, that's friendship.

Tootie Ramsey:
No stereo after 7 o'clock.

Blair Warner:
Tootie he's 22 years old.

Tootie Ramsey:
Okay, 7:30.

Andy Moffet:
May I compliment you on your hand writing?

Jo Polniaczek:
You may, but it's not gonna get you the job.

Blair Warner:
As ridiculous as it may sound, a boy once told me my nose was too short... I still carry that anguish.

Natalie Green:
When a swimmer gives you his noseplugs, it really means something.

Blair Warner:
It means he knows nothing about hygiene.

[repeated line]

George Burnett:
You know what I mean.

Blair Warner:
You know what I find attractive?

Jo Polniaczek:
Someone who tells you you're gorgeous.

Blair Warner:
Don't be ridiculous, they all tell me that!

Blair Warner:
I resent that insinuation.

Jo Polniaczek:
Don't have a cow Blair.

Blair Warner:
[reading Natalie's diary aloud in astonishment] 'Blair Warner is an egotistical, selfish, air-brained witch'.

Jo Polniaczek:
That Natalie, she calls 'em like she sees 'em.

Natalie Green:
Are you about the fly in the face of rule number nine? No answering other people's phone calls.

Blair Warner:
Easy for you to say, you never get any.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Jo, have I got the answer to your prayers. I was just talking to Mr. Grey, the biology teacher, and he had some great suggestions on how to cure your snoring problem!

Jo Polniaczek:
[glares a Tootie for a moment] You told that hunk I snore?

Jo Polniaczek:
I think I just stumbled into a Farrah Fawcett convention.

Natalie Green:
We rank don't we Tootie?

Tootie Ramsey:
We are sooo rank!

Blair Warner:
How's your friend... Rocky?

Jo Polniaczek:
JESSE... she's okay, the same...

Blair Warner:
Becker hasn't changed much either.

Blair Warner:
[while making tuna fish] Name something, crunchy.

Dina Becker:
[Ecstatically] Diamonds!

Tootie Ramsey:
Mrs. Garrett said take one thing.

Blair Warner:
I am taking one thing, my wardrobe.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
I know I can fix it.

Blair Warner:
Jo, the captain's supposed to go down with the ship, not with the boiler!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
[Jo refuses to evacuate during the gas leak] Mrs. Garrett, I know I can fix the boiler.

Edna Garrett:
Jo, I've only said this twice in my life: Once when my husband tried to sell the furniture to pay off his bookie, and now. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I HIT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!

Cinnamon:
Does Cinnamon have one N or two?

Natalie Green:
Three.

Natalie Green:
...Deep down she knew she was somebody... she knew she was... [Looks at what Tootie has written as her name]... Coco Channel?

Tootie Ramsey:
I thought a stage name would make me sound more professional.

Natalie Green:
Tootie that name doesn't make you professional, it makes you french and dead.

Blair Warner:
[Walks in to where Tootie is auditioning for a broadway play] My look at all these unemployed people.

Tootie Ramsey:
[trying to come up with another stage name] Ginger Curry...

Natalie Green:
Good Tootie, when in doubt, name yourself after a spice rack.

Blair Warner:
[Trying to stop some one from jumping off a building] Remember, dead people can't shop.

Tootie Ramsey:
I always wanted to know what it was like to be a blonde.

Tootie Ramsey:
Try visualizing the audience naked.

Pippa McKenna:
Could Tom Cruise be in the front row?

Tootie Ramsey:
Pippa, this is for Natalie.

Natalie Green:
She's right, could Tom Cruise be sitting in the front row?

Blair Warner:
Fine don't do it, be a credit card virgin forever!

Natalie Green:
The saleslady assured me this outfit makes me look crisp.

Jo Polniaczek:
That's great... if you're a potato chip.

Blair Warner:
You're not paying attention, Geri. I thought you wanted to do a routine on soap operas for your act.

Geri Tyler:
I do, but I can't keep track of who's doing what to who and how often.

Geri Tyler:
[to Blair] Didn't you say before you watched a soap opera that you'd rather run naked through K-Mart?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Well I hope you're satisfied, they're never gonna let us in the library again!

Natalie Green:
I was upset!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
You didn't have to yell like that! A library is like a church, it's supposed to be peaceful and QUIET!

Edna Garrett:
What's the problem, Natalie?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Please, don't get her started.

Natalie Green:
Okay, I'm IN the library!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Too late.

Natalie Green:
And I'm doing research for a paper, right? OKAY! So I go to the shelf to get last month's Miss Magazine, and it isn't there!

Edna Garrett:
So?

Natalie Green:
So, I go to the front desk and ask Miss Muldoon if it's been checked out. She tells me the subscription to Miss was cancelled, isn't that strange?

Edna Garrett:
A little, considering all the feminists on campus.

Natalie Green:
That's what I said! Then she tells me that certain elements of Miss Magazine were considered offensive!

Edna Garrett:
Offensive?

Natalie Green:
That's what I said! Then I find out books have been taken out of the library too for reevaluation!

Geri Tyler:
What does that mean?

Natalie Green:
I'll tell you what that means!

Edna Garrett:
Censorship.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
That's what I said!

Edna Garrett:
Are you sure about this?

Natalie Green:
[hands her a list] If you're thinking about checking any of these books out of the library, forget about it.

Edna Garrett:
The Fixer, Catch-22, and Slaughterhouse-Five?

Blair Warner:
Slaughterhouse-Five, I wrote my term paper on that last year. It was brilliant.

Geri Tyler:
That was a good book!

Blair Warner:
I was talking about my paper.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Well nobody's going to be writing about it this year.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
How come?

Natalie Green:
Because it's offensive!

Geri Tyler:
Sounds like book banning to me.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Isn't that illegal?

Geri Tyler:
Sounds like book banning to me.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Isn't that illegal?

Blair Warner:
Or at least a Miss-demeanor. [laughs] Get it? Miss?

Edna Garrett:
Well I know it happens in a lot of other places but I never thought it would happen here.

Blair Warner:
If you can't get a book in the library you can always go into town and buy one.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Or wait for the movie to come out.

Edna Garrett:
No, that's not the point.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It's just that with all the stuff we HAVE to read, what's a few less books?

Natalie Green:
Nice attitude, Tootie!

Edna Garrett:
What did I do?

Natalie Green:
This is America! Books are ideas and ideas have a right to circulate! Think of the First Amendment: Freedom of speech, freedom of thought.

Edna Garrett:
Well I'm going right to the library and talk to Miss Muldoon.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Don't waste your time. Mrs. G, you know the way things are, you can't beat the system.

Edna Garrett:
Jo, if something's going on here that I feel is wrong, I have to speak out. It's a responsibility, not an option.

Natalie Green:
You see, Jo? We can't take this lying down.

Edna Garrett:
That's right, what're you going to do about it, Natalie?

Natalie Green:
What?

Edna Garrett:
Come on Natalie, you're the editor of the school paper. Print headlines, write editorials, take it to the people, make some noise, make a lot of noise!

Edna Garrett:
Forget my strudel, Mr. Parker, this is serious!

Mr. Parker:
Edna, you're overreacting, now trust me. A few books being removed from the library is hardly cause for panic. Now, what follows vanilla extract?

Edna Garrett:
It was four books, four! And I'm not the only one who's upset. Our librarian has been trained to make book selections and suddenly people without qualifications are overriding her decisions!

Mr. Parker:
Okay, I've got three large apples, one cup of flour.

Edna Garrett:
Mr. Parker something alarming is going on here and you don't seem concerned.

Mr. Parker:
Edna, a decision was made by the Board of Trustees to reevaluate some of our books, and I support that decision.

Edna Garrett:
How can you? I know how you feel about this.

Mr. Parker:
There are other factors involved here.

Edna Garrett:
Such as?

Mr. Parker:
You just don't understand what we're facing.

Edna Garrett:
Well then explain it to me. Explain how books that have been at this library for years suddenly have become offensive!

Mr. Parker:
Alright, picture yourself in a room full of angry people shouting about immoral influences and accusing you of corrupting their children.

Edna Garrett:
How long has that been going on?

Mr. Parker:
Over a year, at first the Board resisted, I resisted. Last month this group threatened to take their children out of Eastland, so we compromised.

Edna Garrett:
You mean you sold out.

Mr. Parker:
That's easy for you to say! What would you do if parents started to pull their children out of school? Would it make any difference what books were in the library if the doors were closed?

Edna Garrett:
That won't happen.

Mr. Parker:
You should read some of the letters I've been getting demanding change in curriculum, in text books, in staff! And in the face of all that we should consider ourselves that we only lost four books.

Edna Garrett:
THIS time. What're you going to have to give up next month, Mr. Parker?

Edna Garrett:
One group of parents.

Mr. Parker:
Yes but those are the parents who attend every board meeting, they call my office, write letters.

Edna Garrett:
Yeah that's right, the wheel that squeaks the loudest always gets the oil.

Mr. Parker:
Come on Edna, you know they've got a point. You've read parts of Vonnegut, Joyce.

Edna Garrett:
Yes, and so have hundreds of other Eastland students. It's a complicated world out there, and what we teach these girls is supposed to help prepare them for it.

Geri Tyler:
Okay everybody, I'm leaving, I've got to get back to New York before my plants die.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Poor Father Flarity.

Blair Warner:
Can you imagine how difficult life will be for a married priest?

Geri Tyler:
At least he'll be able to hear his own confession.

Natalie Green:
[Natalie's been fired as the school editor] They can't do that, can they, Mrs. Garrett?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Sure they can, you're a kid, they want you to be quiet they tell you to shut up.

Edna Garrett:
And when you're an adult, they ask you to cooperate.

Natalie Green:
Tootie, your parents are lawyers, we're just kids, what can a bunch of kids do?

Blair Warner:
Plenty, didn't you ever read Lord of the Flies?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
But the kids in that book killed each other.

Blair Warner:
...Kids will be kids.

Edna Garrett:
I'm angry too, mostly at myself.

Natalie Green:
What did you do?

Edna Garrett:
I didn't do enough. Oh I encouraged you to write that editorial, I talked about responsibility, commitment, but when push came to shove, I didn't shove back.

Natalie Green:
You just thought things would work themselves out.

Edna Garrett:
Well... things DON'T just work out, people have to do that, THIS people.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
What're you going to do?

Edna Garrett:
What I should've done in the first place. The monthly Board meeting is next week: Mr. Parker will be there, the parents will be there, and I'll be there.

Natalie Green:
Mrs. Garrett, let's not be hasty.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It's going to be just you against all of them.

Edna Garrett:
Well, I can be pretty tough when I'm fighting for something I believe in. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?

Woman:
Are the Pattersons here yet?

Man #1:
They will be. We ran into them at the theater last week and we discussed that Studs Terkel book Cathy's class is reading.

Woman:
Oh yes, what's the name of it again?

Edna Garrett:
Working.

Man #1:
Right, thank you. Anyway I said to Bob 'I read that book and I'd love my Cathy to read it, when she's 35 and it can't do any damage'.

Woman:
It's a simple matter of keeping improper values out of the classroom.

Man #1:
She means filth.

Edna Garrett:
[inches away from them] I'm dead.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Hey where'd you get the newsletter?

Edna Garrett:
Mrs. Schuster gave it to me. Oh girls it's so good to know there are more important things in your life than just 'oh Richard, Richard, Richard'.

Natalie Green:
How did you know it was us?

Edna Garrett:
Your style is unmistakable, Natalie.

Natalie Green:
Yeah. Buffy Klein, eat your heart out.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
We had to do something.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Yeah, we figured the parents had to know what was going on up here.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
So, we printed up a list of the banned books and Nat's editorial.

Natalie Green:
Signed your ex-editor.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
And mailed copies to all the Eastland parents.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Wait till Mr. Parker gets the Xerox bills.

Natalie Green:
And we put each of the letters in an envelope marked: Notice of Expulsion, so they'd be sure and be opened.

Mr. Parker:
You know there are parents here whose names I've only seen on checks? And I've been getting angry phone calls from them all week. They are furious I allowed those books to be removed from the library. I mean Edna, they hate me.

Edna Garrett:
Oh that's wonderful!

Blair Warner:
I approach courses like I do shopping. The classes I don't like, I'll just return.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
I forgot her name... let's just call her trollop.

Tootie Ramsey:
We're not little girls anymore. We don't sit around in our pajamas sipping hot chocolate and telling secrets.

Natalie Green:
Yes we do!

Jo Polniaczek:
Excuse her, she's new here.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
I know this isn't any of my business. I'm sure it isn't any of my business. I'm vertually certain it's non of my business. But, are you sure you're not moving too fast with Rudy?

Tootie Ramsey:
Beverly Ann, that's non of your business.

Blair Warner:
He's so proud of me... I'm so proud of me!

Cindy Webster:
[Cindy gets out a long rope and gets Nancy and Blair to follow her into the center of the room] Come on you guys, it's tug-of-war practice time. We got to get on the ball before we get our brains knocked in.

Blair Warner:
Listen, slugger, some of us want to talk about the dance.

Cindy Webster:
[Cindy gets down on one knee and attempts to tie one end of the rope around Blair's left ankle] Now come on. You just plant your foot right here...

Blair Warner:
[Blair lightly slaps Cindy's hand away from her and steps back a bit] Would you mind not pawing at me? You are strange.

Cindy Webster:
[All the girls begin heading up the stairs to teach Cindy how to dance] Sue Ann, thanks a lot for nominating me for Harvest Queen. I love you.

Sue Ann Weaver:
[Cindy hugs Sue Ann for a few seconds] Come on.

Blair Warner:
[Sue Ann heads up the stairs, Cindy goes to follow her but Blair stops her] Cindy, what's wrong with you?

Cindy Webster:
What do you mean?

Blair Warner:
All this touching, and hugging girls, and 'I love you'? Boy, are you strange.

Cindy Webster:
I didn't mean anything.

Blair Warner:
I'll just bet. You better think about what you mean. [Blair shakes her head in disgust as she goes past Cindy to head up the stairs]

Blair Warner:
I don't believe it. There is a hair on my menu!

Blair Warner:
How was I supposed to know the woman ahead of us would buy the last 40 tickets?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
She was a nun, Blair, you know they never go anywhere alone.

Edna Garrett:
[Tootie's taken off and Jo's just called the school] Jo, listen. Let me talk to Tootie for a minute.

Edna Garrett:
[listens for a second] What do you mean she's not with you? Jo, Tootie left for New York on the eleven o'clock train. She was planning on meeting you in front of the theatre.

Edna Garrett:
[listens] Why weren't you there?

Edna Garrett:
[listens again] WHAT DOES A NUN HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?

Edna Garrett:
[takes a deep breath, exhales, then calms down] Jo, I'm driving in right now. I'll meet you girls in front of the theatre in an hour. WAIT FOR ME!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Boy, when I woke up this morning, I had no idea I'd be spending the night in New York. I can't believe Kristie has her own apartment.

Bernice, the Waitress:
Hey, listen. You don't wanna go anywhere with that one.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Why not? She's terrific and so is her friend, Mike.

Bernice, the Waitress:
Don't you know what they are? Don't you see what's going on? Come on kid, open your eyes.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
They've been very nice to me.

Bernice, the Waitress:
Hey listen. Those two *nice* people are gonna take you to a *nice* apartment, give you a *nice* warm drink, and you're gonna wake up three days later.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I don't understand. They were so nice...

Bernice, the Waitress:
[interrupted by Mike answering a pay phone] Do you wanna be for sale? Like Kristie?

Bernice, the Waitress:
[they watch as a girl comes in and hands Mike cash, then turns to Tootie with genuine concern] Go home.

Blair Warner:
[sitting in a grungy coffee shop] Look at the clientele. There's only one man in the whole place wearing a suit.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Oh, you mean the pimp.

Blair Warner:
[Blair and Natalie look] He's a pimp? Where's his fur coat and his cigar, and his purple hat?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Maybe it's his first day.

Blair Warner:
[about the girls sitting at a table nearby] I suppose you're gonna tell me those are his "pimpettes"?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
You got it.

Natalie Green:
[they look again] You mean hookers?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Your basic.

Blair Warner:
They can't be!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Just watch.

Blair Warner:
[everything takes place just as she says it] You see him talking and smilin' on the phone there? He's talking to one of his customers. Now he's gonna hang up. Now he's gonna motion to one of his girls. Now she's gonna find out where she has to meet the customer. And there she goes.

Natalie Green:
Wow. That's fantastic Jo. Let's get out of here.

Blair Warner:
I'm with Natalie.

Steven Bradley:
[after Sue Ann reveals she won't run in a race and is pushing to consider Cindy to replace her] But Cindy, you've never run in competition before. Sue Ann is the champion.

Blair Warner:
Not anymore. Old Thunder Thighs is hanging up her spikes.

Sue Ann Weaver:
And you gave me an idea right where I can stick 'em.

Blair Warner:
I never thought I'd be saying this... you and Eddie have my blessing.

Jo Polniaczek:
Blair do you know what this means to me? Nothing.

Kelly Affinado:
[discussing Jo's ex-boyfriend Eddie] He's in the navy? Like Richard Geer?

Blair Warner:
More like Popeye.

Blair Warner:
My whole body is screaming!

Jo Polniaczek:
And sweating.

Blair Warner:
I don't sweat... I glisten!

Jo Polniaczek:
Well you're glistening like a pig!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I'm glad we're back, that movie petrified me.

Natalie Green:
Can I have my arm back now?

Beverly Ann Stickle:
What movie did you see?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
A horror film: The Halloween Hacker 3: Part 6, A New Beginning, Dave Returns, Again.

Blair Warner:
I was so scared, my deodorant failed. [Natalie moves away from her]

Beverly Ann Stickle:
What was the story about?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Story? This Dave guy goes out and kills people, that's the story.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
Would you like some cocoa? It'll help you sleep.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Uh-uh, this child is staying awake the rest of her natural life.

Natalie Green:
[a loud scream is heard] What was that?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Nothing, I'm imagining things.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Come on, let's go check it out.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
As you can see he must've come in here to blow up the inflatable moose.

Natalie Green:
Somehow the antlers punctured the plastic container.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Spilling the horseradish.

Natalie Green:
Causing him to slip on the jellybeans.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
And when he opened his mouth to say 'ouch'.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
The rubber cement fell in and finished him off.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
Death by Rue Goldberg.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
[about how Andy died] What a unique accident.

Natalie Green:
Accident? Or MURDER?

Natalie Green:
Tootie heard noises outside, didn't she? Some guy looks in the shop, sees Andy and kills him.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
I'm going to call the police. [picks up the receiver] That's funny, there's no dial tone.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
The storm must've brought the line down.

Natalie Green:
Or maybe somebody cut it!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Listen, I hear something.

Natalie Green:
Again? What are you, a bat?

Beverly Ann Stickle:
George, Andy's... passed on.

George Burnett:
He moved?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Anybody messes with my stuff again pays the price. [the closet door opens and shows George hanging on a hook, girls scream] I'm glad we understand each other. [sees George] Whoa!

Beverly Ann Stickle:
I thought George was going for help!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Guess he decided to hang around.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
Tootie!

Blair Warner:
You hid in a closet with a dead person?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
At least I knew he wasn't going to hurt me.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
There's one thing about all this that really bothers me.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Besides Tootie's overacting?

Beverly Ann Stickle:
Those dice didn't come downstairs by themselves. Someone had to set them in motion, someone who may still be upstairs!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Oh no, Blair's upstairs!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Yeaaaah.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
[about Blair] She's completely stiff!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Looks like she was moussed to death!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Poor Blair, at least she died like she lived; looking at herself.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
We were all being murdered by Blair because we bought our shoes at the supermarket.

Blair Warner:
Then you deserved to die.

[repeated line]

Rod Sperling:
Tootie.

Natalie Green:
From now on it's goodbye Natalie, hello hotlips!

Jo Polniaczek:
People are dragging your name through the gutter. I think I'm gonna have to hit somebody.

Natalie Green:
Who asked you to defend my honor?

Jo Polniaczek:
I think I'm gonna have to hit you!

Blair Warner:
He's been saying you're real easy to get along with. If you know what I mean. Real easy.

Natalie Green:
Are you saying that he said, that I, that he, that we?

Blair Warner:
Tell Neil you wouldn't go out with him if he paid you... well you know what I mean. [laughing]

Natalie Green:
Is it too early to join the convent?

Nancy Olson:
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Natalie Green:
Thanks Nancy, that leaves me a lot of leeway!

Blair Warner:
I was born with good taste.

Natalie Green:
You're lucky, I was born bald.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
[Blair offers to help Jo pick out something for Mrs. Garrett's birthday] Forget it, I got my own money and my own taste.

Blair Warner:
That's why I offered.

Edna Garrett:
[after losing 25 pounds] Well I can't have a piece of the cake but I can still make a wish and blow out the candles.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
The store pulled one over on us so we're going to pull one over on them.

Edna Garrett:
[announcing that she's going out with the cop who arrested her] It's just too bad I won't be wearing my blouse tonight. [the girls start to chatter] Well don't get me wrong, I'll be wearing *something*.

Natalie Green:
[about Jo] If she gets caught, we'll be accessories.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
How can we be accessories? We're in sportswear.

Natalie Green:
Do you know what this means?

Tootie Ramsey:
Okay Natalie, what does it mean?

Natalie Green:
It would mean, that Jo Polniaczek and Blair Warner would be sisters!

Blair Warner:
Are you saying my mother is trying to buy your father?

Jo Polniaczek:
Are you saying my father is for sale?

Blair Warner:
Yes, yes I am.

Jo Polniaczek:
Well then I'm saying your mother is trying to buy my father, who's not for sale!

Blair Warner:
Jo, do you think it's too early to wear white?

Jo Polniaczek:
What?

Blair Warner:
Oh I know you shouldn't wear white until at least three weeks after Memorial Day, but I just feel like wearing my new white slacks today, right this minute, what do you think?

Jo Polniaczek:
I think that when you were very young somebody dropped you on your head.

Kelly Affinado:
If you can outrun rats you can outrun a guy wearing 50 pounds of leather.

Tootie Ramsey:
Rats?

Kelly Affinado:
Every kid needs a pet.

Jo Polniaczek:
Even Natalie and Tootie don't like her, and they like everybody.

Jo Polniaczek:
If she gives you any problems, I'll come down here and step on her.

Jo Polniaczek:
Kid you're in this store and you're breathing, one of those things has gotta change.

Kelly Affinado:
Mrs. Garrett, are you gonna let her threaten me like that?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Why not? She's good at it.

Kelly Affinado:
You guys aren't giving me a chance.

Natalie Green:
Why should we, so you can make fools out of us some more, so we can entertain you? Why don't you just get cable?

Blair Warner:
I'll pay the store back, I have $50 dollars.

Jo Polniaczek:
I don't care if you have a million dollars.

Blair Warner:
But I do.

Jo Polniaczek:
I know, and I don't care.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Do you promise?

Kelly Affinado:
I bet to you a promise is a heavy number isn't it?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
You better believe it.

Kelly Affinado:
I want to talk to you!

Blair Warner:
Sure, what do you want to talk about? School? What courses are you taking this year?

Kelly Affinado:
Can the courses talk, Barbie doll! We gotta talk business.

Blair Warner:
Not if you're going to call me 'Barbie doll' we don't.

Kelly Affinado:
You called me a smurf and a twerp, it got me mad!

Jo Polniaczek:
Well if you're mad at me, you take it up with me! You don't extort money from my friends!

Kelly Affinado:
I can't take up anything with you, you don't talk to me! You just call me names and take off!

Jo Polniaczek:
Well, what do you care what I call you? What do you care what anyone calls you? You are what you are, and what you are is a smurf and a twerp!

Kelly Affinado:
I remember the first time I saw you. You were working at the motorcycle shop last year.

Jo Polniaczek:
When were you there?

Kelly Affinado:
I was there with my dad. He was trying to get his golf cart fixed.

Jo Polniaczek:
Oh yeah, that guy. He was the one who stripped his gears in a sand trap. How come you remembered me?

Kelly Affinado:
Are you kidding? In the ten minutes that I was there you fixed an engine, you drained a crankcase, and you tossed a six foot biker out on his tattoo!

Jo Polniaczek:
All in a day's work.

Natalie Green:
How old are your brothers and sisters?

Kelly Affinado:
12, 10, 9.

Tootie Ramsey:
I just love big families.

Kelly Affinado:
[continuing] 8, 6, 6, they're the twins, and 3.

Natalie Green:
Wow, don't your parents have a TV set?

Kelly Affinado:
That's the same thing the welfare lady asked.

Tootie Ramsey:
Welfare lady?

Kelly Affinado:
Oh hey, it's nothing bad, my dad didn't run out on my mom or nothing, he just hasn't worked in 2 years.

Kelly Affinado:
[to Mrs. Garrett] What am I supposed to do? My parents are out all the time and I'm stuck in that apartment. I've already raked in a million on Tron. I just wanted to have a place to, like, hang out.

Kelly Affinado:
It's not so bad, we all live in one room, we all eat out of one pot, we all sleep in one bed, poverty keeps you close.

Blair Warner:
Forget entry, this guy could be a lunatic!

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Atleast he's a lunatic with good taste.

Blair Warner:
The rose freak struck again!

Blair Warner:
Blair Warner heating up potroast. Confused about men. The world has gone crazy.

Geri Tyler:
I hardly even talked to her, except once, when she asked to borrow my lipstick.

Jo Polniaczek:
You see that, she practically stole Geri's lipstick!

Boots St. Claire:
Rude interruption time!

Boots St. Claire:
Follow me to the bathroom... I'll show you were Heather and I floss!

Blair Warner:
You don't get to be Blair Warner by being insecure.

Natalie Green:
Right, that's how you get to be Natalie Green.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[With excitment] Jermaine, personally wanted me to be there.Jermaine, himself Mrs. Garrett...

Edna Garrett:
[Cuts Tootie off, from her excitment for the Jermaine Jackson concert] Tootie, listen.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I have to be there at the box office, at 7:30 to pick up the tickets, we'll have terrific seats, Mrs. Garrett. Oh! what am I going, to wear? Oh, I know I'll wear my blue sweater, that's Jermaine's favorite color.

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, slow down. Why, you've forgotten about, the fair tonight?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
What about it?

Edna Garrett:
This is, a big night for Jo. She's short handed, as it is. We've promised, we help.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Yeah but, that was before the phone call! That phone call, changes everything!

Edna Garrett:
I know, this is a disappointment for you but, believe me they'll be other concerts.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
But, not like this one. Who knows, that I'll get to be a special guest again. Besides, it's an insult to Jermaine, if I don't go.

Edna Garrett:
I'm sure, he'll understand.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Mrs. Garrett, please, if you take me, I promise I'll never ask for anything, as long as I live.

Edna Garrett:
I'm sorry, Tootie. I really am but, we can't go. We'd made, a prior commitment.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[Raising her voice] I'm goin'!

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, you're not being reaonable

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Mrs. Garrett, this concert, means everything to me. [With tears in her eyes] Why won't, you let me go? Don't you have, any feelings?

Edna Garrett:
[Solemly] Tootie.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[Yelling] Jermaine, wants me there tonight, and I'm gonna be there! If you don't take me, I'll fine someone else, or I'll take a bus, I'll hitchhike!

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, I said you're not going, to the concert tonight.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[Screaming with tears, welling out her eyes] I DON'T CARE, WHAT YOU SAY! I AM GOING! I AM GOING!

Edna Garrett:
[while Tootie, was becoming hyperventilated] Calm down. Calm Down.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[Crying] Mrs. Garrett, I have to be there, tonight. You have to, take me please. [falls into Mrs. Garrett's arms, and continues sobbing] Please, Mrs. Garrett, take me.

Edna Garrett:
[Consoling a despondent Tootie] It's all right, it's all right Tootie. [Tootie continues crying] It's all right, It's all right. [Gives In] We'll go.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[Still crying] Oh, Oh thank you! [continues sobbing]

Edna Garrett:
[Low voice] We'll go [Still consoling, a sobbing Tootie]

Edna Garrett:
We'll have to find, replacements for, Tootie and me.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
[Angrily] I don't believe it, I don't believe, you actually letting Tootie, to get away with this!

Blair Warner:
I didn't realize, all someone had to do, to get their way is, to throw a tantrum.

Natalie Green:
Me neither, I've got to work on my, kicking and screaming.

Edna Garrett:
This wasn't a tantrum, girls.

Blair Warner:
All I know, is that I turned down a fabulous date to be here,tonight. We all have, better offers, well...

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
[Cuts Blair off] Don't, say it!

Blair Warner:
The point is, we promised we'd be here, and we're here.

Edna Garrett:
You're absolutely right, Blair. We all, committed ourselves, to this fair and, we all should honor it.

Natalie Green:
[Concerned] And, why are you, letting Tootie go to the concert?

Edna Garrett:
Because,I just don't know, what else to do.

Natalie Green:
You don't know, what to do?

[Sarcastically]

Natalie Green:
Mrs. "always a snappy answer" Garrett doesn't know, what to do?

Edna Garrett:
Girls, you didn't see her. She was, hysterical. Oh, she was gonna get to that concert, if she had to jump out of the window, and run all the way, to the city.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Come on, Mrs. Garrett, not Tootie.

Edna Garrett:
That's right. Not, our Tootie. But right now, she's not our Tootie. She's become...

Blair Warner:
[Completes Mrs. Garrett's sentence about Tootie] Fanatic. Well, that's what the word fan, comes from. My mother, told me that, when I threaten to leave home for, King Hussein.

[chuckles and mumbles]

Natalie Green:
Mrs. Garrett, there is nothing wrong, with a little healthy idol worship. Didn't you ever freak over, anyone.

Edna Garrett:
Sure, I swooned over Frank Sinatra. But, this is something else. I remember, these films people crying and screaming, over The Beatles. They were all in such a... frenzy.It scared me. Well, that's the way I felt, just now, with Tootie

Blair Warner:
Do you think, taking Tootie to the concert's, gonna help?

Edna Garrett:
At this point, it's the only thing I can do.

Jo Polniaczek:
You mean you can change his recipes and orders by the click of a button?

Natalie Green:
Sure, piece of cake.

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah we'll screw up his cakes too!

Kelly Affinado:
Jo, I've gone straight, I'm working hard for the money. Aren't you proud of me?

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah... beat it.

Pete Dawson:
Woowie! Something is clearing up my sinuses!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[dryly] I'm proud to say that that smell is me. [holds up papers] I took one more look through his garbage and I found this.

Pete Dawson:
That is private garbage!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[shows them to the girls] Recipes for Mrs. Garrett's croissants, her strudel and her cheese puffs.

Edna Garrett:
[to Pete] So, you were stealing MY recipes!

Natalie Green:
That's right, Mrs. Garrett, he used his computer to break into our computer and steal your files.

Natalie Green:
Jo, when you used this computer earlier, how did you close it?

Jo Polniaczek:
I don't know, I just pressed something.

Natalie Green:
You deleted all the files off Pete's computer before saving, as in deleted FOREVER, that means when he goes to look up an order, all he's going to be looking at is a blank screen!

Pete Dawson:
I will reduce you to a greasy spot on the floor!

Edna Garrett:
Talking about your cooking again?

Blair Warner:
[sees Kelly with a pile of newspapers] You mugged the paperboy?

Kelly Affinado:
No, I AM the paperboy.

Jo Polniaczek:
Has anyone ever told you how rude and obnoxtious you are?

Casey Clark:
Just about everybody.

Blair Warner:
We must get out of here, the soap was moving.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Blair why are you so happy?

Blair Warner:
I'm getting a divorce! [class project]

Jo Polniaczek:
We laughed and we had a great time... it was terrible.

Jo Polniaczek:
I used to think all I wanted to do was race cars. Now I don't know, I think I'd like to teach kids.

Blair Warner:
Great, 'Gang Warfare for Toddlers'.

Blair Warner:
Jo can I borrow your highlighter?

Jo Polniaczek:
I lost it.

Blair Warner:
Oh I see. I lost your book and this is your childish way of getting back at me.

Jo Polniaczek:
Until I think of something better... Yeah.

Blair Warner:
Jo...

Jo Polniaczek:
What?

Blair Warner:
Nothing... Jo...

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah?

Blair Warner:
I'm gonna make some coffee, want some coffee?

Jo Polniaczek:
No thanks.

Blair Warner:
Jo...

Jo Polniaczek:
What!

Blair Warner:
Nothing, forget it.

Jo Polniaczek:
No really, what?

Natalie Green:
Replugging a plug is a simple thing!

Tootie Ramsey:
You know I'm not mechanical!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Guess what we just dug up from our solar green house...

Blair Warner:
Your face?

Gail Gallagher:
Well I've got almost everything packed; but I had to pick between my rare coin collection or my autographed picture of Al Pacino.

Edna Garrett:
Al Pacino, right?

Gail Gallagher:
Are you kidding? What's he ever done for me?

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, would you excuse us, please?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
No. Mrs. Garrett, I'm worried about Jo too, I want to know what's going on.

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, maybe you better get back to bed.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
No, Mrs. Garrett, she wants to know what's going on? I'll tell her. Gail's not going to another school, Tootie, she's going to a hospital and she's not coming out, do you understand?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I don't... Mrs. Garrett, what's...

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
You wanted to know what's going on, now you know.

Edna Garrett:
Jo, I know how difficult it is to lose somebody you care about. But like it or not, you're going to have to try to face it.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
I am facing it.

Edna Garrett:
How? By cutting Gail's classes? Standing her up? You can run as far as you want, but Gail is still going to die.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Kind of neighborhoods we grew up on, you took your chances just stepping outside the door. But she got out! She made it and now this!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[about Gail] She must be so scared.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
I'll tell you what's scary. What's scary is living and not having it mean anything.

Edna Garrett:
Is that what you think's happened to Gail?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
She spent her whole life, working and studying, trying to make something of herself. What's the point if it can be taken away from you at 26? What's the difference?

Edna Garrett:
You are, you, and everyone who's ever been in her class. Someone can live to be 80 years old, have nothing to show for it. Gail has you.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
She should have more time!

Edna Garrett:
I know.

Jo Polniaczek:
Juliet was only fifteen when she married Romeo.

Blair Warner:
Yes. And they had a great wedding night, they both died.

Jo Polniaczek:
Yeah, well otherwise their marriage would of worked out great.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
[on their wedding night] Eddie, we gotta be careful, I don't wanna get pregnant.

Edna Garrett:
[to Jo] We'll wait outside and give you some privacy. Come on, Blair.

Blair Warner:
It's 10 below out there!

Edna Garrett:
You'll live.

Natalie Green:
[talking to her father after he was caught cheating on her mother] Are you really sorry you did it or sorry you got caught?

Jo Polniaczek:
Half a cup?

Blair Warner:
Yeah. You know a 1 and a 2 with a little line in between them.

Jo Polniaczek:
Guess I didn't see the little line.

Blair Warner:
You put 12 cups of peanut butter?

Jo Polniaczek:
We've been tasting cookies all day. We have no more feeling left in our tongues, we need an objective mouth!

Andy Moffet:
[Andy is trying the cookies Jo and Blair made] Good peanuty bouque... crunchy... dry... but good...

Jo Polniaczek:
Then why aren't you swallowing?

Andy Moffet:
Because I've got my whole life ahead of me.

Jo Polniaczek:
[Miko has just ruined Jo's bicycle] You're Japanese, how could you do that to a Kawasaki?

Miko:
[Miko stole Jo's bike and wrecked it] Jo, you're gonna need some new parts.

Jo Polniaczek:
So are you.

Blair Warner:
[Tootie and Natalie have moved out] So how are things going?

Tootie Ramsey:
I'll be enriched by this experience for the rest of my life.

Blair Warner:
Does Natalie hate it too?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
All four of you on one resume?

Natalie Green:
We're a package deal.

Blair Warner:
[about the chain letters] I bought into the luck side. I mailed out all the letters. The dry cleaner lost my clothes. My stay-wet lipstick dried up. I went to get my passport photo taken: the guy says smile, and the camera breaks. [Jo laughs]

Blair Warner:
Jo, a black cat isn't bad luck.

Jo Polniaczek:
It is when you're on your bike. I swerved so I wouldn't hit it, I sideswiped a trash can and ran into a tree. Do you know how much it costs to get a motorcycle a nose job?

Blair Warner:
It's exhausting worrying about all those things we haven't done.

Natalie Green:
[after the inspection] Is it about to hit the fan, Mrs. Garrett?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
No, Natalie, I'm too angry to yell.

Natalie Green:
I lined the bins, Mrs. Garrett, 5 times, if a roach wants to get in there, he'll need a blowtorch.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Do you girls realize I could lose my business? If I'm lucky he'll just fine me $500.

Jo Polniaczek:
Don't worry about the fines, Mrs. G, soon we'll be rolling in money from the chain letters.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
You girls really believe that? [pause] Mr. Stevens is right, you ARE too young to take this seriously.

Blair Warner:
How do I look?

Jo Polniaczek:
Like a giant furball.

Natalie Green:
Parents are unreliable, sometimes they think for themselves.

Blair Warner:
Look, Jo. I had three choices. The cocktail party circuit in Manhattan, a drunken brawl with strangers on the slopes, or being here with you guys. And I decided I wanted to be here.

Jo Polniaczek:
[touched] Good choice.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[after Jo's plans for spending the holidays with her mother changes and has to stay with Mrs. Garrett] Wait a minute. What kind of Christmas is that? Being stuck here, with Mrs. Garrett...

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[realizing how it sounded] Well, I meant being stuck here in Peekskill.

Edna Garrett:
That's a little better.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
[leaving for the train station] Come on you guys, we don't want to miss the train and get stuck here.

Edna Garrett:
[everyone stops for a second] I know. In Peekskill.

Edna Garrett:
[holding a flyer she put an ad in] That stupid Merchant's Association! Look! Look! Look what they did to my ad!

Natalie Green:
Edna's Corral.

Edna Garrett:
They got us mixed up with the Puppy Corral down the street!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Oh yeah, look at their ad. 'Edible Puppies'. Ewwww!

Edna Garrett:
You think that's bad? Look, look, look at this: 'Edna's Holiday Special. Fresh Schnauzers, only $8.95!' Without advertising, what am I going to do with the eighty-two fruitcakes that are left?

Natalie Green:
Feed 'em to the schnauzers!

Blair Warner:
I'm not that kind of girl. You can ask any guy I've ever dated, I'm a tease!

Natalie Green:
Last night, Snake and I slept together.

Natalie Green:
Just stop being so wishy-washy and tell me what you think!

Jo Polniaczek:
Sex does weird things to people sometimes.

Tootie Ramsey:
Lately things have been so much quieter around here.

Jo Polniaczek:
I like to think it's because Blair's out of town.

Tootie Ramsey:
Jo, Blair doesn't talk that much.

Jo Polniaczek:
No, it's just that her hair is so loud.

Blair Warner:
My my my, trouble in tinsletown.

Natalie Green:
Don't call me a geek!

Tootie Ramsey:
I'll call you anything I want!

Jo Polniaczek:
Would you stop doing that?

Blair Warner:
What?

Jo Polniaczek:
Sighing.

Blair Warner:
I don't sigh.

Jo Polniaczek:
Well if it isn't a sigh, you've got a slow leak!

Tootie Ramsey:
[a loud whine of a knife sharpener is heard] Hear that? She's sharpening her knives again. I'm convinced that woman's possessed!

Blair Warner:
Tootie.

Tootie Ramsey:
Don't Tootie me! Poor Mrs. Garrett's a textbook case of possession! She's got all the symptoms: sleeping in the presence of a cold evil spirit, she's forgetful, she's lying, she's even got that glint in her eyes!

Jo Polniaczek:
Oh Tootie will you calm down?

Tootie Ramsey:
How can I calm down when poor Mrs. Garrett's in trouble? There must be something in one of my books to help her out.

Mr. Bigley:
You girls pulling my leg? You know what happened here, the Halloween massacre!

Natalie Green:
What massacre?

Mr. Bigley:
Guess you don't know. Let me see now, yes, happened back in '05 when this place was the home of the four old maid Gruber sisters.

Natalie Green:
Old maid? That's a very sexist term, but go on.

Mr. Bigley:
One Halloween night, Gertrude the mean one got into a terrible argument with Heidi and Helga and Fritzi, oh you could hear the dunk-offs and swinehunds for blocks. Suddenly, the voices stopped.

Blair Warner:
Why?

Jo Polniaczek:
That's where the massacre part comes in, dunk-off.

Mr. Bigley:
Yes, oh yes, the way I heard it, Old Gertie gut Heidi and Helga and Fritzi with a big butcher knife. Never heard in what life. So they took Grizzly Gertie away the next day, but people say she never really left, if you know what I mean.

Mr. Bigley:
Unexplained things started happening like Gertrude's bedroom, the one in the back, got much colder than the rest of the house.

Tootie Ramsey:
Hey that's Mrs. Garrett's bedroom. Remember she complained how cold it was last night?

Jo Polniaczek:
Oh big deal, her bedroom faces north, a cold room is not that strange.

Mr. Bigley:
That's true, that's true, until the people who live in that bedroom star to lose their minds. The way I heard it, there's been five over the years, all women, all crazy.

Tootie Ramsey:
Mrs. Garrett, I thought you were Grizzly Gertie with that knife!

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, why were you sleeping in that chair?

Tootie Ramsey:
I was getting nervous, I wanted to sleep closer to the door.

Natalie Green:
Mrs. Garrett, your joke worked a lot better last night.

Edna Garrett:
What joke?

Natalie Green:
Oh come on, last night you were standing over my bed at 3 A.M., sharpening that butcher knife, doing a terrific Grizzly Gertie. "Helga, you will now learn some respect, ja?" [laughs] Good joke.

Edna Garrett:
I wasn't in here at all last night, and I'm in no mood for jokes!

Blair Warner:
Natalie, you were kidding about Mrs. Garrett coming in here last night, weren't you? [Natalie shakes her head] Well then you were dreaming?

Natalie Green:
Hey anything's possible, but when I dream somebody's standing over my bed, it's going to be Rick Springfield.

Tootie Ramsey:
Guys, this is serious. What if Grizzly Gertie's spirit really is affecting Mrs. Garrett?

Blair Warner:
Tootie, you've been watching too many horror movies.

Tootie Ramsey:
This is nothing to do with movies! If Natalie was dreaming last night, what's Mrs. Garrett's slipper doing in here?

Natalie Green:
Guys, I've got something to show you, take a look at this. [takes a plaid shirt out of a trash bag]

Blair Warner:
It's hardly you, Natalie.

Natalie Green:
It's Mr. Bigley's! I found it in the trash behind the shop, along with this! [takes out a butcher knife]

Blair Warner:
That's strange. I just saw Mr. Bigley's package of bratwurst, he never picked it up.

Natalie Green:
I know, that's why I decided to call his motel down the block, you know what I found out?

Jo Polniaczek:
I hate it when you play Columbo.

Natalie Green:
They're looking for Mr. Bigley too! He was supposed to check out at noon but his luggage is still there along with an airline ticket on a flight that left five hours ago.

Jo Polniaczek:
I don't believe the way you guys jump to conclusions. I mean, what hard evidence have you got? A cold room, Mrs. G's slipper, Mr. Bigely's jacket, a butcher knife, twenty-five pounds of mystery meat. [laughs]

Jo Polniaczek:
[suddenly stops, staring at the bratwurst she'd been eating that Mrs. Garrett made] It adds up, doesn't it?

Tootie Ramsey:
Oh come on guys, this can still be a lot of fun.

George Burnett:
Oh really how?

Tootie Ramsey:
Well we got your friends, we got music, we got plenty of bread and butter.

Blair Warner:
Bread and butter? That's what you got me for my birthday?

Blair Warner:
You invited a semi-crazy person to stay in Mrs. Garett's room?

Jo Polniaczek:
What happend here?

Natalie Green:
I think Blair decked her.

Jo Polniaczek:
You did?

Blair Warner:
Well I was just... just... Yeah, I did do the decking!

Tootie Ramsey:
Natalie hurry up and change.

Natalie Green:
I'm not changing, I worry pajamas the first time I went to the drive-in, I'm wearing them the last.

Jo Polniaczek:
Natalie you were five then.

Natalie Green:
There's still a little girl in me.

Blair:
This is America, the heart-land, i'm gonna get out there and do... what is it you people do?

Jo Polniaczek:
We'll take Mrs. Garretts car.

Blair Warner:
Isn't the back seat just a tad uncomfortable?

Natalie Green:
Oh don't worry about it, you'll be in the trunk.

Blair Warner:
What?

Natalie Green:
Sneaking in.

Jo Polniaczek:
It's tradition. Somebodys gotta sneak in.

Blair Warner:
Jo, am I going to regret this? Like the time you took me to kickboxing and that guys mouthpiece landed in my coke.

Natalie Green:
[Blair comes in the drive-in after being locked in the trunk, due to the girls forgetting about her] Blair, we're sorry...

Blair Warner:
How long were you planning to leave me in there? I waited for the secret knock. After ten minutes, I decided to use the secret scream.

Nancy Olson:
I'm three months pregnant.

Natalie Green:
You're pregnant?

Blair Warner:
Don't tell me, the butler did it!

Beverly Ann Stickle:
They're having a fun pajama party upstairs. Why don't you go join them?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Yeah, well, I gotta get to the library tomorrow morning and they'll probably be up talking the rest of the night. So...

Beverly Ann Stickle:
It hurts to be around people who all have fond memories of one another. You don't have any memories of them at all. No yesterdays to share. So all you can do is sit there with a stupid grin on your face 'til it hurts.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
[gets slightly offended] I'm not wearing a stupid grin. This is my natural expression.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
I was talking about me.

Blair Warner:
We're actually going to get ot meet the infamous Snake, face to fang.

Tootie Ramsey:
Oh good. Happy people.

Blair Warner:
I swear I have never met anyone who irrates me so much... other than you.

Jo Polniaczek:
I knew there was something I liked about him.

Blair Warner:
Sometimes men understand things better when we don't tell them things they may have trouble understanding.

Andy Moffet:
Make it quick, I'm begging a lot of women.

Blair Warner:
Tootie, have you learned absolutely nothing from me?

Jo Polniaczek:
Knowing where to buy hair bleach doesn't apply here Blair.

Casey Clark:
I don't mix well with yuppies.

Blair Warner:
You don't mix well with anything that walks up right, but you're still going.

Tootie Ramsey:
Blair I'm not like you, I can't date more than one guy at a time.

Blair Warner:
Hey well there's a combo, the untamed, the unloved, and the unwashed!

Natalie Green:
They don't allow us to take personal phone calls at work.

Blair Warner:
How would they know it's personal?

Natalie Green:
Most people don't do business with a guy named Snake.

Blair Warner:
[insulting Jo's clothes] She must think we're into nostalgia, she's still wearing flared jeans.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Uh in a minute you're gonna be wearing flared teeth!

Tootie Ramsey:
This is going to get good! [turns to Natalie] Did I lie?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Keep your Saks Fifth Avenue rags out of my area! And the next time I find your shoes on my side, I'm gonna glue them together!

[Jo presses the shoes together, then throws them on Blair's bed]

Blair Warner:
Would you be careful! Those are very expensive shoes!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Then keep them in a safe deposit box!

Edna Garrett:
Alright, girls. What's all the shouting about?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Could you tell Mrs. Onasis here to stay out of my way? With her face creams and cologne bottles and hair sprays, I tell ya, I walk in here sometimes and I think I'm in a drugstore. I look around for the checkout stand.

Blair Warner:
She should talk. It's not easy sleeping next to Mr. Goodwrench.

[while the four girls work as waitresses in the cafeteria, snobbish Margo keeps teasing Jo. Jo does her best to ignore Margo]

Margo:
[to Molly] It's no surprise she's such a terrific waitress! I heard that's what her mother's been all her life.

[hearing that, Jo is about to beat the obnoxious girl]

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
You no good creep...!

[Blair stops Jo]

Blair Warner:
[smiling] Wait a minute, Jo. Don't stoop to her level. A situation like this calls for a rational, civilized behavior befitting a school like Eastland where dignity is our motto.

[Blair takes a leftover cream pie and smears it on Margo's face. Natalie and Tootie burst out laughing, but Jo is not content. Hearing the laughter, Mrs. Garret enters. As she sees what happened, she starts laughing too, but quickly gets hold of herself, while Margo tries to clean her face]

Natalie Green:
When are we going to have time to breathe?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Let alone sleep. On a regular night I need 8 hours, if I'm dreaming I'm messing around with Michael Jackson, then I need 9.

Blair Warner:
My nose hurts.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Your *nose* hurts?

Blair Warner:
I fell asleep in Algebra class and hit it against the book.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You're lucky, I fell asleep during gym class and they used me as first base.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
I know what you're doing, you're trying to guilt me into staying.

Edna Garrett:
Guilt's a powerful weapon, why not use it?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
We're closing up here, now what do you want?

Margo:
Mmm, I'm on a diet, just one roll.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
I've seen you in gym clothes, you got a LOT more than just one roll.

Tootie Ramsey:
Muffy? Her name is Muffy? What kinda person is named Muffy?

Jo Polniaczek:
Beats me, Tootie!

Tootie Ramsey:
Muffy? Her name is Muffy? What kind of person is named Muffy?

Jo Polniaczek:
Beats me, Tootie.

Natalie Green:
Blair, how would you feel if men sat around all day rating you?

Blair Warner:
I'd love it.

Tootie Ramsey:
But it's so de-humanizing.

Blair Warner:
Not when you're a 10.

Blair Warner:
I guess I'll just settle down and marry the president of General Moters.

Blair Warner:
George what you're looking for is revenge. It's shallow, vendictive, and immature. Let's go for it!

Blair Warner:
You broke my watch!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
No I didn't, it's a stopwatch, it stopped!

Judge:
Who are you?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I'm her lawyer. Sort of.

Judge:
Lawyers are not allowed in small claims court.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I'm her friend.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek:
Sort of.

Blair Warner:
I even learned to play the accordion because I thought it would make me more lovable. Wanna hear Lady of Spain?

Blair Warner:
Jo, what your feeling is perfectly normal.

Jo Polniaczek:
Don't you tell me i'm normal!

Blair Warner:
I took a raw piece of material and created a masterpiece!

Jo Polniaczek:
I'd like to tell her what she can do with her chizille.

Geri Tyler:
[Tootie is having trouble hearing] What did the doctor say?

Tootie Ramsey:
I don't know.

Natalie Green:
You couldn't hear him?

Blair Warner:
[Guessing what Natalie's story is about] VD?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Blair!

Blair Warner:
...Valentines Day!

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Mail call, I repeat, mail call. Tootie, here are all your fan magazines.

Blair Warner:
Tootie, how can you read those? They're just full of rumor and gossip and innuendo.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
And for you, Blair: People, Celebrity, and Us.

Natalie Green:
I had this, idea, I was going to write this really important story for the school paper, for a change.

Blair Warner:
Oh I don't know, I really loved your up close and personal look at the bowling team.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Or that story on how Peakskill got its name.

Natalie Green:
Stories like that are the reason no one reads the 'Eastlander' anymore.

Jo Polniaczek:
My biology class never misses an issue: they're great for the hamster cages.

Natalie Green:
[on what her story is about] Abortion.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Natalie, that's a tough subject for a high school newspaper.

Blair Warner:
That IS a little touchy, don't you think?

Natalie Green:
Of course, but abortion is an important issue and it deserves attention. It's controversial, emotional...

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Exploitable.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Yeah, I hate to think you were doing this just to boost circulation.

Natalie Green:
It's more than that, Mrs. Garrett, I wanted to make some waves with this, stir things up.

Natalie Green:
What's at stake here is the right of a journalist to protect her sources.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Natalie, I'm sure Mr. Parker respects the rights of a free press, DON'T YOU?

Charles Parker:
Well of course I do, but in this case they're beside the point.

Natalie Green:
Sure, principles are great as long as they don't inconvenience you.

Charles Parker:
I have had nothing but frantic phone calls from parents all day wanting to know if it's their daughter who had the abortion. I think they deserve a better answer than 'Well your guess is as good as mine'.

Natalie Green:
I can't tell you who she is.

Charles Parker:
Then you'll have to leave school.

Natalie Green:
I'll be expelled?

Charles Parker:
Suspended. You'll be able to come back when you're willing to tell us the girl's name.

Natalie Green:
I'll be expelled.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You can't let this suspension happen, you have to talk to Mr. Parker.

Natalie Green:
And tell him I made the whole story up? Let everyone know I lied? Forget it, I'd rather leave school.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Yeah? Like a hero? Natalie, you're not a hero, so stop taking the easy way out.

Natalie Green:
There's nothing easy about being suspended from school, it's a cold world out there, Tootie. I'll probably have to get a job, learn a trade.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It doesn't have to be that way, all you have to do is tell the truth.

Natalie Green:
Am I too young to join the Marines?

Annie:
You know, I was afraid that this would happen, that you'd tell and it'd wind up being me.

Natalie Green:
Annie!... Louise.

Annie:
How did you find out, Natalie? There are things in that article that I didn't think anybody knew about. Who could've told you?

Natalie Green:
Don't worry, no one at school knows.

Annie:
Natalie, if you tell Mr. Parker, he's going to tell my parents.

Natalie Green:
Maybe they'll understand.

Annie:
You don't know my parents. You know, once when I was learning how to drive, I scratched the door on my dad's station wagon, just a teeny little scratch; to this day he flinches every time he sees it.

Natalie Green:
Annie, I didn't mean to make trouble for you.

Annie:
You know, when I first read your article it really upset me. It was like going through it all over again. But it was comforting too; I mean, it felt like there was someone out there who understood what I was feeling, and it really helped.

Natalie Green:
Please don't make me out to be a hero.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
You're just going to have to explain it to Mr. Parker and hope that he understands. You'll have to tell him, that there was no Louise.

Natalie Green:
I would, except there IS a Louise.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Wait a minute... I'm getting confused.

Natalie Green:
Mrs. Garrett, I just found out that someone right here at Eastland went through almost exactly what I wrote in my article. Mr. Parker's been hounding me for a name and all of a sudden I've got one. Just one name, and I'm off the hook.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Are you, Natalie? You lied, Natalie, you wrote something you knew wasn't true; the fact that a Louise happens to exist doesn't change that.

Jo Polniaczek:
[on the phone] Well when WILL Mr. Rivera be back from his lunch with the mafia hitman?

Jo Polniaczek:
The only thing I hate more than people who talk to cats is poodles.

Blair Warner:
[after Blair has accidentally tripped over Jo's engine and brakes it] Maybe Jo won't notice.

Natalie Green:
Dream on.

Blair Warner:
I have natural ability.

Jo Polniaczek:
Sometimes that's not enough.

Blair Warner:
It is when your natural ability is being rich.

Blair Warner:
Can I get you something? Tea? Coffee? A new library?

Blair Warner:
I'm sorry, our these newspapers with articles of my father's great wealth in your way?

Tootie Ramsey:
Can I borrow your car?

Blair Warner:
Not on your life.

Tootie Ramsey:
I dreamed I lost a tooth, I checked in the dream book and that means someone close to you is going to die.

Jo Polniaczek:
And you figure thats the mailman?

Natalie Green:
Don't sulk Tootie. People who sulk and drive cause more accidents than any other single group.

Jo Polniaczek:
I hate teaching people how to drive... first the person's always nervous, then they make stupid mistakes and then they cry when you slap em'.

Tootie Ramsey:
[Tootie is asking everyone to teach her to drive] Blair?

Blair Warner:
I'd love to Tootie, if only I didn't have a fear of Volkswagens.

Natalie Green:
You have a fear of volkswagens?

Blair Warner:
That I'll be seen in one.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
I still need something borrowed.

Blair Warner:
[hands her a bracelet] You can borrow this.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Oh thank you!

Blair Warner:
Oh don't worry, it's insured.

Kevin Metcalf:
I'm looking for somebody.

Blair Warner:
What a coincidence.

Kevin Metcalf:
This is so unlike my father, when he says be here on the tenth, he's here on the tenth.

Natalie Green:
Today's the ninth.

Kevin Metcalf:
Oh you're kidding.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
I don't know what I should say to him...

Jo Polniaczek:
How about 'Hello'. From there you can go anywhere.

Blair Warner:
He just broke it off, just like that, after all we meant to eachother.

Jo Polniaczek:
You went on one date.

Blair Warner:
We communicated. We reached out and touched.

Jo Polniaczek:
You went to a taco stand.

Natalie Green:
[Trying to impress a guy who likes to ski] I live for the slopes!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Natalie, you can't ski.

Natalie Green:
I'm just a little rusty.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You slow down by dragging your face.

Blair Warner:
We're a joy to be with!

Blair Warner:
I'm so proud of us. taking in a lonely soul with no place to go in her hour of need. How much do you think we should charge her?

Blair Warner:
I like to live on the dangerous side once in a while. Just last week, I took the bus!

Jo Polniaczek:
Alright I was wrong, what do you want me to do tattoo it on my face?

Blair Warner:
I'm for anything that will cover it up!

Blair Warner:
I've never lost any luggage... then again I always buy a seat for it.

Jo Polniaczek:
Would you be willing to take Blair in exchange?

Jo Polniaczek:
You see it's just Franny. Who the hell is Franny?

Tootie Ramsey:
I'm getting a feeling of deja Pippa.

Pippa McKenna:
G'day mate. Sorry to lump on you like this, is Mrs. Garrett here?

Natalie Green:
Mrs. Garrett, no she's not with us anymore.

Blair Warner:
We're going to put a mime in the window?

Jo Polniaczek:
Just a small one.

Andy Moffet:
I can only imagine what she's saying.

Jo Polniaczek:
Good because your still too young to hear that kind of language.

Jo Polniaczek:
Blair would you stop bubbling, I hate when you bubble.

Jo Polniaczek:
Tootie, that stuff is imported! Do you know how much it costs a pound?

Edna Garrett:
Jo, she's not giving it away.

Jo Polniaczek:
Yes she is.

Edna Garrett:
Tootie! Do you know how much this stuff costs a pound?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Jeff and I are perfect for each other; he's going to be a star athlete and I'm going to be a star star. We'll have so much to share, the tension, the pressures, the ulcers.

Natalie Green:
You're gonna be so happy!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
How much horseradish mustard, dill mustard, peppercorn mustard, lemon mustard...

Jeff Williams:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, slow down!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Okay, how much horseradish mustard?

Jeff Williams:
I don't know, Tootie, they all look the same to me.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Jeff come on, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4 jars of horseradish mustard. What's the matter with you, can't you read? [Jeff walks away from her] Jeff?

Jeff Williams:
Hey reading's not my thing, okay?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Jeff, this doesn't make sense, you're a senior in high school and you can't read?

Jeff Williams:
Look I'm into football, coach says I shouldn't get distracted.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Distracted?

Jeff Williams:
I got a lot of pressure on me. You said it yourself, I AM the football team. Now we're going for a championship and got scouts from 9 colleges looking at me, not everybody can say that.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Maybe not but everyone can read!

Jeff Williams:
I can read. I don't walk in places through the exit. I don't sit on wet paint. I've never ended up in the ladies room, I can read enough.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Alright, then read this. What's this?

Jeff Williams:
Horseradish mustard.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It's Hollandaise sauce!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Jeff this doesn't make sense, how do you get through school without being able to read? How do you pass your tests?

Jeff Williams:
Look, people think I'm special, and they want to do things for me.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
People cheat for you?

Jeff Williams:
Look, it's not cheating, it's helping! Look I take my own tests, I get copies of them and my friends look up the answers, but I memorize them! Just like I do with my play book.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
And nobody knows about it?

Jeff Williams:
If they do, they haven't said anything to me.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Don't you want to know how to read?

Jeff Williams:
Of course, and I will, I will, but right now they're offering me the chance to be the best quarterback in the whole country. I have to make the most of that.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
...I guess.

Natalie Green:
It's obvious why you're upset, next fall Jeff will be going off to college and you're worried he'll forget about you. But don't worry, he'll write.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
No he won't.

Natalie Green:
He will if you write first and ask him lots of questions. Then he has to.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Not if he can't read my letter!

Natalie Green:
Come on Tootie, you have neater handwriting than John Hancock.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
This has nothing to do with my handwriting!

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, are you saying Jeff has a problem with reading?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
I babysit for kids who can read better than he can!

Natalie Green:
Wait a minute, that can't be right. How has he gotten so far in school if he can't read? How does he pass all his tests?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
His friends help him. They give him the answers and he memorizes them.

Edna Garrett:
His friends, some friends.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Mrs. Garrett...

Edna Garrett:
I'm sorry but that really steams me! These so called friends aren't helping him at all, they're cheating him out of his future!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Look you don't understand!

Edna Garrett:
I understand plenty! Those people don't give a damn about him; Jeff is a star football player, that's all they care, that's all that matters to them.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Mrs. Garrett that's not true! The people who help Jeff care! They care a lot!

Edna Garrett:
Tootie, what're you saying?

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
His friend in biology class was sick, and Jeff was desperate so I...

Natalie Green:
Tootie, you didn't!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
But he needed me! And it didn't seem like a big deal. It was just one test in one course. Now he's going to want me to help him on this English test, how can I say no?

Edna Garrett:
I don't see how you can say anything else, not if you care; not if you want to get Jeff back on the right track.

Jeff Williams:
Look, I know you felt funny about helping me on that biology test, but the only reason you did it is because you care about me.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
If I really cared about you, I would never have cheated for you.

Jeff Williams:
Now if my other friends felt like that, I never would have a chance at a football scholarship!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Can't you think about anything else? So you're rich and you're a star and you got a babe on each arm, and you're idolized by millions of kids.

Jeff Williams:
Yeah!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
All you'll really be is an illiterate jock. Don't you have any pride?

Jeff Williams:
Tootie, you're getting out of line.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Good!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
It used to be our people had to work in the field, and if they wanted to learn to read they did it in secret. Now an education is your right and where are you? Still out in the field! Alright, so it's a football field, but...

Jeff Williams:
But nothing! Look, football is what I do, and it's going to get me what I want.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
But football isn't the problem! When you're on the cover of Sports Illustrated, wouldn't you like to read the article?

Jeff Williams:
Girl, get off my case!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
No! Jeff, it's not either or, you can play football and read too!

Jeff Williams:
Look, I'm not saying I'm happy with the way things are...

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Then do something about it!

Jeff Williams:
But I'm almost 18! I don't want to look like a fool, I've got my pride.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
That's not pride, that's ego.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
Did you get the job?

Natalie Green:
I drove all the way down to that newspaper and do you know what they wanted me to do, they wanted me to write a story!

Jo Polniaczek:
you're kidding, then what were they gonna do, print it?

Tootie Ramsey:
In case you haven't noticed, I'm black.

Jo Polniaczek:
You're kidding.

Blair Warner:
We thought you were Suzanne Somers.

Jo Polniaczek:
This stock market thing is great! Do people know about this?

Blair Warner:
You're not thinking of doing anything silly now are you?

Jo Polniaczek:
No, murder is serious buisness.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
Do we have a theme?

Natalie Green:
No theme today Tootie.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey:
You know before I start any new endeavor, I like to have a theme.

Natalie Green:
Is bankruptcy good enough for you?

Blair Warner:
Mrs. Garrett, you're not my mother, or my gaurdian, or my consience. You're my land lady. Now I'm going now, and I'll be back, when I get back.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett:
Just a minute Blair. Have you been cutting classes?

Blair Warner:
Only the boring ones.

Jo Polniaczek:
What did you do to yourself?

Tootie Ramsey:
Oh it's my new look, what do you think?

Jo Polniaczek:
Keep looking.

Jo Polniaczek:
I don't have time to listen to everyone's problems, I gotta pick a career... well on the other hand psychiatrists make barrels of money, so go ahead.

Natalie Green:
A healthy dose of paranoia is what gets you through life.

Beverly Ann Stickle:
My point is...

Jo Polniaczek:
I thought that was the point!

Beverly Ann Stickle:
This is a two part point.

Blair Warner:
Aha, no parental supervision... the leading cause of crime and polyester formal wear!

Charlie Polniaczek:
Which tie goes better?

Blair Warner:
I'm sorry if it's not silk, it's all a blur.

Jo Polniaczek:
[to Blair] My dad is very polite. Even when he doesn't like somebody he never shows it. Just look at how nice he treats you.

Charlie Polniaczek:
All you girls look wonderful. What's your secret?

Natalie Green:
It's the water. We don't drink it.

I believe ms Garrett was trying tell the girls about sex . Some thing as in sex for girls is giving away candy. I am not sure please correct thanks yo.