Dan Vs., Season 3

Amber:
I know how you're feeling, Dan. We've all been there too.

Dan:
Oh, sure. Cute girls with PhD's have all the problems.

Amber:
Everyone has anger. Right guys?

Francine:
I'll say!

Bert:
I beat up the Dalai Lama.

Amber:
The trick is learning to control your rage, so it doesn't control you.

Dan:
Sounds unsatisfying. How about instead, we all go in on a flamethrower? Who's with me?

Amber:
Maybe it's a little early to jump right into group. Let's start with some basic psychological testing.

Dan:
They're going to put us in a maze and make us find cheese. If we don't do it in time, they zap us with electricity. [leaves]

Chris:
[outside] What kind of cheese?

Amber:
Chris? Is there anything that makes you disproportionately angry?

Chris:
I don't like being hit in the face, that makes me angry. Is that okay?

Dan:
Sup? SUP! [talking to the mummy] You broke into my apartment, messed with my Mr. Mumbles and stole my personal toiletries, that's what's up! Get him, Chris!

Chris:
Why me?

Dan:
Because you're the Chris.

Mummy:
Look, I don't want any trouble.

Dan:
Do I have to do everything?

Mummy:
Hey, hey, ow, what the heck, bro?

[Dan puts the mummy back in the mummy box and tapes it]

Dan:
There! Vengence, thy name is Dan.

Chris:
Great. Can we go now?

Dan:
Sure. Hold these.

Chris:
Why?

Dan:
Because if I get caught with them, I'll go to jail.

Chris:
What are you doing here?

Mummy:
I dunno, I just got excavated, you guys seemed cool. I thought we could hang.

Dan:
Hang! Hang! You stole my toilet paper!

Mummy:
Yeah, bro. My bad. Though you can't really blame that on me though, you're the only one in a hundred miles with rolls of Egyptian cotton just laying around. I needed a touch up.

Dan:
Dan's log, 1:03:27 of my imprisonment I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence. [narrating] First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion. Though unfortunately, there are limited time-killing activities to be had there. Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return. So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.

The Boss:
That's what I like to see. Work smarter, not harder.

Dan:
[narrating] Though it's very easy to lose consciousness. [puts his head down and screams] Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice. [whispers] Hey! [aims the rubber band ball at the worker] However, those that share my dismal situation are the enemy. There is one enemy, and she is-

The Boss:
[pops up behind Dan] Right behind you.

Dan:
[scared] Whaa!

The Boss:
Get back to your desk!

Dan:
[pops up at Chris' work area] I'm going over the wall.

Chris:
Wha-what? What wall?

Dan:
Catch me! [he falls down on Chris as the computer unplugs]

Chris:
[feeling his stomach] Can't breathe!

Dan:
I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! [crawls away]

Chris:
Ow! Hey!

[when Dan is trying to find a way to escape, he finds The Boss standing in front of him]

Dan:
Ow, Hey!

The Boss:
Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? [drops the files on the floor]

Dan:
Yes, I can. I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them. [The Boss steps on his hand] Ow!

The Boss:
I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.

Dan:
Ow!

The Boss:
So I'm going to give you 1 more chance.

[Dan is on the phone having a split screen chat with a dumb costumer]

Dumb Customer:
Hello.

Dan:
Hello, sir. You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.

Dumb Customer:
So what? I ain't payin'. You go ahead and cancel my prescription.

Dan:
Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.

Dumb Customer:
Nuh-uh. I said CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION, you idiot!

Dan:
Subscription.

Dumb Customer:
Don't you correctify me! [hangs up]

[Dan press the redial button, and talks to the dumb costumer again]

Dumb Customer:
Hello?

Dan:
Listen up, brain trust. I have your address. Do you understand what that means? I know where you live. Where you sleep. [yelling] AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER, AND WHEN I DO, I WILL RAM MY FIST... DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID... THROAT!

Chris:
Dan!!

Dan:
[still yelling] I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES... RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! [he realizes that everyone is starting at him and The Boss is standing behind him] Ah, personal call.

Mechanic Mike:
[opens the garage] What are you guys doing in my shop?

Elise:
When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear?

Mechanic Mike:
Hey, where's my dog? Don't you play the victim with me!

Dan:
We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free.

Mechanic Mike:
You did what?!

Dan:
But I know you've been replacing my engine with junk!

Mechanic Mike:
You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight. Technically you could have owned this shop.

Dan:
Keep it. What would I do with a mechanical shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.

Elise:
You got lucky! You little--!

Chris:
Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right?

Mechanic Mike:
And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked. Thank you, Dan. You saved my business.

Dan:
You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike. But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.

[Chris, Elise, and Mechanic Mike walk away after Dan drives off]

Mechanic Mike:
Huh. Guess I forgot to- [Dan's car explodes] Yeah, that's the thromdibulator.

Dan:
[yelling] MECHANIC!

[Mechanic Mike throws the thromdibular to the ground as he Elise, and Chris walk away while Dan's car is caught on fire]

Dan:
I spent my teenage years constantly ridiculed. Then I'd get to school and it was even worse.

Elise:
Dan! How did you get here?

Dan:
If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.

Chris:
What?

Dan:
That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.

Elise:
Only because I love you.

Dan:
Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.

Elise:
I thought it was peppy.

Chris:
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]

Elise:
Come in, Dan. No one's looking.

Dan:
[comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!

Elise:
Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]

Dan:
[inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!

Doctor:
Well, you're sick.

Dan:
Guess you were right. I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.

Doctor:
Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold. A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.

Chris:
Are you telling me you've never had a cold before?

Dan:
I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle. [sneezes]

Doctor:
Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.

Dan:
No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.

Doctor:
That means no bingo.

Dan:
No bingo?!

Doctor:
Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold. [walks away]

Chris:
Told ya.

Dan:
What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.

Doctor:
With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.

Dan:
Oh, I get it. You're lazy. [takes the stethoscope away from the doctor]

Doctor:
Hey! Where are you going with my stethoscope?

Dan:
To do what you should have done a long time ago. I'm going to cure the common cold! [leaves]

Chris:
[gives the doctor his money] For the stethoscope. [leaves]

[Dan gets pulled over when a police officer shows up]

Police Officer:
Do you know why I pulled you over?

Dan:
No, officer. I wasn't speeding and my hands never stayed from the 10 and 2 position. Not even when I sneezed.

Police Officer:
Your plates have expired. License and registration.

Dan:
[while looking for his license and registration] Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt. What's this? Hey, Ninja Dave's receipt.

Police Officer:
How about we start with your license? [Dan gives his license to him] Bad hair day, huh?

Dan:
I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police?

Police Officer:
This license is expired.

Dan:
But my voter registration is completely up to date. Good citizen.

Police Officer:
I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket. You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.

Dan:
This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once!

Police Officer:
Stay in your car, sir!

Dan:
I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! [the officer sprays pepper in his face] Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a five year-old?

Police Officer:
Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.

Dan:
But I wasn't doing anything wrong!

Police Officer:
Hey, I don't make the rules. Blame the DMV.

Dan:
DMV!

Police Officer:
Ooh, and I am going to have cite you for noise violation. [gives Dan another ticket for noise violation and drives away]

Dan:
I need to renew my license.

Hence:
Wow. That's a bad hair day.

Dan:
I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento. It was a bad day all around.

Hence:
I'll need to see some I.D. This is expired.

Dan:
Hence, the need to renew it.

Hence:
I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.

Chris:
Hey, I've got something. [gives Hence a picture of Dan]

Dan:
Why do you have my mug shot?

Chris:
This one looks so adorable I, just had to keep it.

Hence:
[hands Dan a pile of papers] Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation. Thank you!

Chris:
There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and-

Dan:
Can we get some heat back here?

Elise:
And Dan.

Dan:
If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.

Chris:
Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.

Dan:
Obviously. Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing. [sees a lot of people skiing] Wait...what are these people doing?

Chris:
Uh, they're skiing.

Dan:
THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle?

Elise:
You mean skeet shooting?

Dan:
Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.

Chris:
Have you ever tried it?

Dan:
You know how I feel about trying things.

Chris:
Well, I guess we should have known better. Shall we pack it up and go?

Elise:
Hold on. It's just a 1 night trip. Dan, you can survive 1 night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.

Dan:
If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- [cut to him, Chris, and Elise at the ski lift] --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.

Chris:
Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]

Dan:
How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body. And that guy's.

Chris:
It's easy. If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries. See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.

Dan:
Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food?

Chris:
Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite. I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.

Dan:
Uh, Chris? Chris? [goes down skiing]

Chris:
Yeah?

Dan:
Where's the emergency brake on this thing?

Little Girl:
Mommy, mommy take my picture! Take my-- [gets caught with Dan] Mommy!!!

Dan:
Man, this place is a death tra-AAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! [falls down and lands in the snow] Ow ow ow!

[Dan and Elise are at a cabin together]

Dan:
[takes a sip of his hot chocolate] Man, this is peaceful. [breaks his drink] I hate it.

Elise:
Dan!

Dan:
No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home. I'm getting out of here right now. [opens the door as snow falls] What's this nonsense?

Elise:
Looks like a blizzard. Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.

Dan:
A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? [closes the door but opens again as he gets icicles on his nose] OK. I've got icicles in my nose.

Elise:
I told you, the only thing you can do with a storm like this is wait it out. And by these look of these clouds, it could be a while. Maybe even all night.

Dan:
All night? Oh no. No, no, no, no. I agreed to try skiing, I agreed to sip your cocoa, I even let you tie me up and gag me, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY, I am staying in this meat locker for an entire night! [he wakes up from the chair and gets the keys] So long, Elise. I hope you choke on a big pile of- [opens the door and finds out that snow is coming from outside] Snow!

Man:
Which one of you is Dan?

Dan:
Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]

Man:
L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.

Dan:
Jury duty?

Man:
We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.

Dan:
I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.

Man:
We'll see you in court. [walks away]

Dan:
But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.

Man:
You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.

Elise:
Dan has to perform his civic duty!

Chris:
Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.

Man:
Elise? You're Elise?

Elise:
Oh, come on!

Dan and Elise:
[both yelling together] JURY DUTY!

Dan:
Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth. And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens. [cut to Dan being locked in a hamster cage] Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison!

Crunch:
I'm just happy to be of service to my community. By the way, that's Olaf. He doesn't speak any English.

Dan:
Then how do you know what his name is?

Crunch:
Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish. Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror. He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.

Dan:
I'm tunneling out. [he digs down under the cage until he gets hit at the bottom]

Crunch:
Don't go yet, bro-face. They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.

Dan:
[pops up] Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.

Judge:
Has the jury selected a foreman?

Elise:
We have, your honor. It's me.

Chris:
[cheers] Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

[Elise sighs]

Dan:
[whisper-yelling] CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.

Chris:
I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.

Dan:
Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly-

Chris:
But sadly, no clean clothes.

Judge:
[clank clank] Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings?

Chris:
Uh, the second one? [gets kicked out of the court] I'll just wait out here, then.

Dan:
Where did all these farmers' markets come from, anyway? And what are all those things they're selling?

Chris:
They're called vegetables, Dan. You should try them sometime.

Dan:
What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables!

Chris:
They have fruit, too.

Dan:
If I want something sweet, I'll have candy. Like an adult.

Chris:
Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan. It's not healthy.

Dan:
I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and 8.

Chris:
Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well?

Dan:
No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! [he realizes that Burgerphile serves broccoli instead of fries] What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me!

Chris:
Oh, right! I read about this. In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week. This week's broccoli-palooza.

Dan:
Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.

Chris:
Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles. Everywhere. [Dan knocks down a plate of broccoli and heads out]

Dan:
[angrily growls] Timber!

Chris:
Dan! This is not okay!

Dan:
This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.

Chris:
I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?

Dan:
There's 1 last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.

Chris:
What's Elise doing here?

[both vehicles stop in the middle of road]

Elise:
Dan! [comes out from the car and confronts him for taking her ID] You are a dead man!

Dan:
[comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal-weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!

Elise:
Where's my ID?

Dan:
It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have 1 more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.

Elise:
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.

Dan:
But the last broccoli farm!

Elise:
Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!

Dan:
In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.

Elise:
[angrily gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!

Chris:
First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.

Elise:
We will talk about it at home.

Chris:
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?

Elise:
Why do you ask?

Chris:
A rookie mistake.

[Dan takes the car and drives away offscreen]

Elise:
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.

Chris:
He has the keys to the truck, too.

[after Dan's car got crashed]

Dan:
[sees his car destroyed] You did not.

Terrifi-Guy:
My bad, citizen.

Dan:
BAD?! The Bubonic Plague was "bad"! THIS IS AN ATROCITY!

Terrifi-Guy:
Not to worry. Most insurance covers superhero-related damages. [flies away]

Dan:
I don't have insurance! Get back here!

[Elise steps into the garage to spot Dan and Chris as Batman and Robin Expies, Chris awkwardly crosses his legs, and she bursts into laughter]

Chris:
I can explain.

Elise:
[in hysterics] Actually, you know what? Never mind! I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news! [leaves]

Chris:
Great. Now Elise thinks I'm an idiot.

Chris:
[sees Dan pop out from the luggage] Dan?!

Elise:
Honestly, that's got to be some sort of record.

Chris:
You can't tag along this time. It's a family cruise. You aren't family.

Dan:
You think I want to be here? I've been hijacked, Shanghaied, Dan-napped! I am missing zombie wrestling. I gotta get off this ship before [see the cruise sailing away from the city] we set sail. Alright, fine. Today is a wash. Fortunately, the main event isn't until tomorrow.

Chris:
Dan, we're not going back to shore for a week. You're stuck here.

Dan:
[angrily as he is taped in the chair] I DIDN'T WANT TO GO ON YOUR STUPID CRUISE IN THE 1st PLACE!

Chris:
[when Elise shows him an old camp photo] Camp Atrocious. Oh it was even worse than its name.

[last scene of the series]

Little Dan:
You know what? I was wrong about summer camp. I had a blast.

Little Chris:
Yeah, but now I'll never win a camp award.

Little Dan:
I wouldn't be too sure, buddy. Here. I made this for you. [gives a box to Little Chris]

Little Chris:
[last lines] Thanks, Dan.

[as little Chris and Dan walk away, the story ends as Elise picks up BEST SIDEKICK AWARD with Chris eating an apple while Dan relaxes, ending the series]