Glee, Season 2

Jacob:
Rachel, how do you respond to rumors you're incredibly difficult to work with?

Finn:
Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that.

Rachel:
We've been dating all summer.

Finn:
Rachel's what you'd call a controlist.

Rachel:
I...I'm controlling. [to Finn] "Controlist" isn't a word.

Finn:
Oh.

Rachel:
I'm controlling. Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow glee clubbers?

Finn:
Yes! [Rachel looks at Finn] That was out loud, wasn't it?

Jacob:
When are you slated to make your triumphant return to the Shire?

Jacob:
Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your glee club song selection sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod?

Will:
Well, I try to do something for everybody. 25% show tunes, 25% hip-hop, 25% classic rock.

Jacob:
100% gay.

Jacob:
When exactly did you ink your sponsorship with Land's End?

Jacob:
Confirm or deny the rumor that because you knocked up Quinn Fabray, you spent all your summer pool cleaning money on a vasectomy.

Puck:
It's true. It was the responsible thing to do.

Jacob:
Is it also true you're suffering from a crippling depression because you're not over Miss Fabray? [Puck blocks the camera's view.]

Jacob:
What can you say about the rumors that the two of you are dating?

Tina:
Because we’re both Asian? That’s racist!

Mike:
Totally racist!

[Tina and Mike walk away holding hands]

Jacob:
[to the cameraman] Did you get that? [to audience] You saw it here first.

Jacob:
How exactly do you get the white out of rice?

Jacob:
What did you do with all that breast milk?

Jacob:
How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?

Quinn:
Well, I'm happy to be back and ready to start fresh. And.. I'm a lot less hormonal, so there's not really any more crying.

Jacob:
[noticing Santana's boob job] How was YOUR summer?

Santana:
My eyes are up here, Jewfro. And it was uneventful.

Brittany:
People thought I went on vacation but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Jacob:
Did you know there's a forum on my blog that's begging you to stop rapping?

Will:
Wait, th-the kids don't like it when I rap?

Jacob:
When will you glee clubbers ...

Kurt:
I don't know.

Jacob:
... accept the fact that people hate you ...

Kurt:
Kiss it, Jacob.

Jacob:
... and think you're nothing but a glorified ...

Kurt:
Go away, go away.

Jacob:
...karaoke club designed to make the inventors of AutoTune millions of dollars?

Kurt:
You know what Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barkaloungers and log onto the Internet and start tearing people down, does it. But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something. So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say TO MY FACE!!

Azimio:
[throws slushie in Kurt's face] Welcome back, Lady!

Kurt:
[to Jacob] I don't suppose you could just cut out that last part, is there?

Kurt:
We get it Mr. Schue. Everyone still hates us. So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain. The only difference now is that none of us really care.

Sue:
See this? It's a court summons—child endangerment—'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon, several others started worshiping a possum carcass as their lord.

Sue:
Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without express permission of the president of the Federal Reserve!

Figgins:
Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without confetti cannons!

Sue:
Do you think your kids can manage life without their daddy?

Finn:
Hey, Sam. My name's Finn. This here's Artie.

Sam:
Uh, I know who you are. You're the quarterback.

Finn:
Exactly. Which makes me VERY cool.

Puck:
Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?

Sam:
I don't know, I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?

Finn:
[aside to Artie] I like this kid.

Artie:
[to Finn] I like his confidence. But the Bieber cut's gotta go.

Santana:
You did this to me! You told Coach Sylvester about my summer surgery!

Quinn:
You have surgery when you get your appendix out. You got a BOOB JOB.

Santana:
Yup. Sure did. [slaps Quinn across face]

Quinn:
You can't hit me!

Santana:
Oh, sure I can. Unless you got yourself knocked up again. Slut.

[Quinn slams Santana against a locker]

Brittany:
Stop the violence.

Will:
Hey! Hey! Hey! [holding Quinn and Santana apart] What is this? What happened to being a family?

Santana:
Oh, please! She has a family! She's a mother!

Quinn:
[Will holds her back] Walk away and tight up your pony before you get to class!

Sue:
First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse-sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to Hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles, but you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.

Coach Beiste:
Do not get up in the Panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.

Sue:
[Whispering] That doesn't make any sense.

Will:
If we want to go to Nationals, if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound!

Finn:
[narrating] I was really excited about my Glee Club recruit poster design. I made it super masculine just like these pamphlets I saw some Army guys passing out at a daycare center. Then I heard something. [Finn hears a student singing in the shower] It was the new transfer kid. I saw him tapping his foot when we were busting it out in the courtyard the other day. I would've joined in with a kick-ass harmony, but the dude was naked.

Coach Beiste:
All right, guys, it's a pizza party. Dig in. Everyone has to eat at least four slices. Let's go! And when you're done, full pads out on the field. We're doing wind sprints. And the first ten to puke are off the team.

Artie:
[About Tina] She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at...Asian Camp. They were counselors, in charge of teaching all those tech-savvy Asian kids about the arts.

Finn:
So, what did Tina say when she broke up with you?

Tina:
[In Artie's flashback] I think you're great, Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend. You ignored me for weeks this summer!

Artie:
I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman!

Tina:
And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.

Finn:
I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios.

Brittany:
Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.

Rachel:
I didn't send her to an active crack house. Besides, how did you guys find out anyways?

Mike:
The Asian community is very tight.

Sue:
The two of you are making a very serious mistake today, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.

Finn:
Hey, man. Why didn't you show at the audition?

Sam:
I wanted to. I really did. But after what Coach Beiste did to you...Do you know what everyone says about you Glee Guys?

Finn:
Oh, yea, you get used to all that.

Finn:
U.S. History. Crap, I forgot I was taking that.

Mercedes:
Is that a men's sweater?

Kurt:
Fashion has no gender

Will:
All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?

Brittany:
He discovered America.

Kurt:
There's a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over FIVE members. Their ardent demand? That this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by -- wait for it -- Ms. Britney Spears!

Brittany:
I don't want to do Britney.

Kurt:
Why no Britney, Brittany?

Brittany:
Because my name is also Britney Spears.

[Everyone looks at her.]

Will:
Wait, what?

Mercedes:
What the hell is she talking about?

Brittany:
My middle name is Susan. My last name is Pierce, which makes me Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany Spierce.

Brittany:
I hope you all respect that Glee Club can remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.

Santana:
Can I just say you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?

Carl:
I get that all the time.

Santana:
You can drill me any time.

Artie:
I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.

Santana:
There you go, blue tooth.

Brittany:
I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr Pepper was a dentist.

Brittany:
This looks like the alien spaceship where I was probed.

Carl:
Brittany, you have the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. It's got to be some sort of record.

Brittany:
Please don't pull out all my teeth. When I smile, I'll look like an adult baby but with boobs.

Brittany:
Can I have a blue toothbrush?

Carl:
I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.

Brittany:
Are you a cat?

Santana:
Look, my dad's a doctor, which means I have a killer health plan. Now get up in my grill, 'cause Brits and I wants to get our anesthesia on.

Brittany:
You're really hot.

Britney:
You're sweet.

Brittany:
And your breath smells really nice.

Brittney:
So does yours. And you know why? Because this is a fantasy.

Brittany:
Wow.

Brittany:
I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.

Rachel:
[slurred] Is this real life?

Finn:
They're personifying you!

Rachel:
Objectifying.

Brittany:
[touching Jacob's hair] Your hair looks like a Jewish cloud.

Jacob:
[to Finn after Rachel walks away in her 'Baby One More Time' outfit] What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house! I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house!

Santana:
Well, congratulations. Normally you dress like a fantasy of a perverted Japanese business man with a very dark specific fetish but I actually dig this look. Yay.

Will:
Kurt, I'm done talking about this!

Kurt:
Geesh! Loose a little, would you? STOP BEING SO FREAKIN' UPTIGHT ALL THE TIME!!!!

Will:
Kurt, I'll see you in the principal's office.

Mercedes:
Uh-oh.

Finn:
Come here. [hugs Rachel] This is how it's going to happen. I'm going to be quarterback again and I'm going to throw a touchdown in our first game. Then I'm going to point to you in the stands so that everyone in this school knows that you're my girlfriend. All right?

[Jacob and Lauren are watching New Directions perform 'Toxic' during the Homecoming Assembly]

Jacob:
I love Britney Spears!

Lauren:
I wanna be that hat!

Jacob:
Take it off! Yes!

Lauren:
Mr. Schue, let me be your Britney!

Jacob:
[Moans, jumps up and down] It's so sexy! It's so sexy!

Lauren:
Mr. Schue I want you!

Jacob:
[Pointing at the stage] Don't stop doing that! Don't stop doing that! Yes! Yes! [Jacob grabs the butt of the person standing in front of him. It turns out to be a guy] Uh-oh. [The guy punches Jacob]

Sue:
It's a Britney Spears sex riot! [Pulls the fire alarm]

Sue:
You know what William? That's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon. And when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp-stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face. And spent the next hour screaming "Sex Party!" into the microphones of all three major networks.

Sue:
I'm gonna sue the pants off of you, Will. I'm going to take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests — I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom.

Emma:
You're such a great teacher, Will. No, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you want to be someone else when the someone you already are is so amazing?

Will:
Because the boring someone I already am, wasn't good enough for you.

Quinn:
I said what you wanted me to say. And he shot me down. Congratulations, he must really love you.

Rachel:
I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong, I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.

Brittany:
Finn can fly?

Kurt:
Really?

Brittany:
Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week I'm going to be performing a musical number by Ke$ha.

Mercedes:
[to Brittany] Shh!

Brittany:
I would just like to say that from now on I demand to have every solo in glee club. When I had my teeth cleaned I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and dance better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman that I am.

Will:
You need me to stay with you or anything?

Rachel:
No, I've been drinking herbal tea and taking anti-anxiety pills and reading the unabridged biography of Britney Spears. I look forward to the day when paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.

Finn:
How do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?

Rachel:
I'm actually kind of happy about it. Now I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.

Finn:
I was super hungry but my mom was gone so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making cool grill marks like it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy.

Finn:
When I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God. Literally: I have made a Grilled Cheesus. I’m not the most religious guy. I sort of worship Eric Clapton and Ochocinco.

Finn:
Dear Grilled Cheesus, first of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie & I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you did kind of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee club.

Kurt:
Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.

Puck:
Oh my God, he's coming out.

Finn:
Why, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.

Puck:
That's way worse.

Kurt:
Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.

Mercedes:
I don't see what's wrong with getting a little church in here.

Quinn:
I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I've turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.

Santana:
Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard-baby?

Brittany:
Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

Finn:
You got a problem with Jesus?

Puck:
Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.

Burt:
Hey, don’t forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over.. and she has to work the night shift.

Kurt:
I-I can’t do this Friday. They have sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale Theater, it’s a once- a-year event.

Burt:
And last week you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.

Kurt:
SEASON SIX, Dad.

Burt:
Those Friday night dinners are ritual in our family - one your mom started.

Kurt:
I know, but I’m a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this?

Finn:
What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing... Dating Rachel is great, but she's kind of a prude and I'm sort of going crazy. Anyway, her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs and I'll still like to touch them. So, Jesus, considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you, I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers. Amen.

Santana:
Hey Kurt, we're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.

Brittany:
I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.

Finn:
[Entering] What the hell happened?

Kurt:
My dad’s in the hospital.

Finn:
I know. My mom just called me. I feel I’m the last one to know.

Kurt:
I’m sorry Finn, but it didn’t occur to me to call you because he’s not your father.

Finn:
Yeah, well, he’s the closest person I’m ever going to get, okay? I don't know what it looks like to everyone else, but I thought we were sort of family. Look, I guess I just didn’t like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.

Kurt:
Thank you Mercedes. Your voice is stunning but I don't believe in God... You've all professed your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God is kind of a jerk, isn’t he? I mean, he makes me gay and then he has his followers going around telling me it’s something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don’t want a heavenly father, I want my real one back.

Mercedes:
Look, Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.

Kurt:
You can't prove that there isn't a magic tea pot floating around on the dark side of the moon, with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?

Brittany:
Is God an evil dwarf?

Quinn:
We shouldn’t be talking like this. It’s not right.

Kurt:
I’m sorry Quinn. But all you can believe whatever you want to, but I can’t believe something I don’t. I appreciate your thought, but I don’t want　your prayers.

Rachel:
Let's discuss your new-found love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will raised in a certain way...

Finn:
You don't think you're gonna have sex until you're 25?

Rachel:
Both of my dads' people were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.

Finn:
Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and wear those hats and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.

Brittany:
I made him a card that said "Heart attacks are just from loving too much."

Sue:
How’s your father?

Kurt:
They say his condition is critical but stable. Good news, I guess.

Sue:
I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to--I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don’t like what Schuester doing in that classroom even more than usual, but I can’t go the school board without an official compliant from a student.

Kurt:
So you want me to be your scapegoat?

Sue:
You don’t understand…I know at times I was around with you guys for fun. I admit it-it aids digestion. But I’m not joking here. I want to be your champion.

Emma:
What happened to you, Sue? What horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant?"

Sue:
Have a seat. Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her, and so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after awhile I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough. It's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.

Emma:
Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?

Sue:
It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted, or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?

Tina:
Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious--we can't win.

Brittany:
Now I know what Miley feels like.

Santana:
I hope you're happy, Kurt.

Kurt:
Having the week of my life, actually.

Will:
Guys, back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind.

Mercedes:
Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good.

Kurt:
It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one.

Kurt:
On the day of my Mom’s funeral, when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying. I mean that was it. It was the last time I was ever going to see her. And I remember I looked up my dad, and I just wanted to him to say something, just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn’t over. And he just took my hand and squeezed it and I just knowing that those hands here to take care of me, that was enough. This is for my dad.

Mercedes:
...You get to wear a fabulous hat.

Kurt:
You had me at fabulous hat.

Emma:
Uh, more importantly, you didn't hurt Sam. It was a 300-pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23. God works in all kinds of mysterious ways, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches. You look disappointed.

Finn:
I am. It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God. Now I just feel like everybody else, you know, like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that.

Emma:
You're not alone. The big questions are really big for a reason--they're hard. But you know what? Absolutely everyone struggles with them.

Kurt:
I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best. It's so Christ-chic. I hope our genuflection to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky doesn't take too long...

Kurt:
I’m sorry about the other day, Dad. I should have let those guys pray for you. It wasn’t about me, it was about you, and it was nice. I don’t believe in God, Dad, but I believe in you. And I believe in us. You and me – that’s what’s sacred to me. And I’m sorry that I never got to tell you that. Dad, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.

Finn:
You’ve given me everything I prayed for and it turns out that Rachel’s boobs are really awesome.

Finn:
Dude, why didn't you just tell us you wanted to pray in Muslim?

Nurse:
I’m not Muslim, I’m Sikh.

Kurt:
She’s gonna see if acupuncture will improve the circulation to my dad’s brain. Amazingly needles pierce the skin better than psalms.... Can you all please leave now?

Rachel:
[leaving] We just wanted to do something.

Kurt:
I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best. It's so Christ-chic. I hope our genuflection to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky doesn't take too long.

Finn:
Thank you, Grilled Cheesus.

Blaine:
What happens when the Pope dies?

Kurt:
Heaven, you'd think.

Brittany:
[about Puck in juvie] He may be the dumbest person on Earth and that's coming from me.

Sam:
I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like Green Eggs and Ham.

Santana:
Wow, he has no game.

Kurt:
He's on Team Gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.

Mercedes:
You're crazy circa 2010.

Kurt:
I have three gifts: My voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle.

Brittany:
I love your Sweet Lady Kisses.

Santana:
It's a nice break from all that scissoring.

Santana:
How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation or something.

Santana:
[To Mercedes] Uhm, I'm sorry? Have you been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you bread-sticks. One time I bought a wheelbarrow and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up I called the corporate office and got her fired.

Santana:
We will be the undisputed top bitches in this school.

Rachel:
I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.

Finn:
Yeah. But I still like you.

Mike:
I don't wanna do it.

Tina:
We're duets partners. You have to sing!

Mike:
I don't even know if I can sing! Everyone knows I'm here to do one thing...dance. You sing and I'll dance around you. You'll be fine.

Mike:
But there was salad, my mom had salad last night!

Tina:
My salad had chicken feet in it! At Breadstix, they don't have chicken feet in the salad! All I want is a normal night out, with a normal dinner, and a normal salad that doesn't have chicken feet in it!

Mike:
Heeeeeeere...we go.

Mike:
We should go to Asian couples therapy.

Tina:
Why does it have to be Asian!

Sam:
Aren't duets supposed to be like, between a girl and guy?

Kurt:
Well, Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest.

Sam:
Who?

Kurt:
Make'em Laugh? Singing in the Rain?

Sam:
[looks confused] Sorry.

Kurt:
1952? Nothing? Okay, maybe you are straight.

Finn:
You can't do this to him.

Kurt:
You're overreacting.

Finn:
If he sings with you, you're painting a bull's eye on his back.

Kurt:
Once again your closeted homophobia seeps in the surface on the contents of a cracked cesspool.

Finn:
Don't give me that. I know I shouldn't have used that word in your basement but it's not like you were innocent. I really like you Kurt. But the fact of the matter is, the way you were all over me last year - if I did that to a girl, she'd take out a restraining order.

Kurt:
You have issues with me being gay, I get it.

Finn:
No, actually, I don't. I have issues with the fact that you don't understand that no means no.

Kurt:
I just want to sing with him.

Sam:
I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes.

Finn:
I don't have a problem with gay dudes. Everyone else does, and we're living in their world. And in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence.

Sam:
Well, I gave him my word. In my world, that's that.

Kurt:
Dad, you have no idea what it's like. I'm the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. Why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow-dance at my prom?

Burt:
Come here. You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're just gonna have to get used to go in it alone.

Kurt:
Only the most talented member of Glee club - myself. When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone.

Finn:
I'm with Rachel now. She's a lot shorter than Quinn and she talks a lot, but I love her.

Santana:
And just so you know I already bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes here. You know why? Cause we be going

Santana & Mercedes:
To Breadstix.

Artie:
Am I about to lose my virginity?

Brittany:
Before our duet, we're gonna do it.

Mike:
[nervous] ...I don't think I can do this.

Tina:
It's the perfect song for this very situation.

[After Rachel and Finn finish singing. Mike claps a little, Tina stops him]

Mercedes:
Okay, do I even have to say it?

Sam:
That was rude.

Tina:
Like really rude.

Quinn:
I seriously wanted to punch both of you.

Brittany:
[to Artie] For a while, I thought you were a robot.

Brittany:
I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I've been practicing nudging the meatball across the table with my nose.

Quinn:
I've been down this path before. I know this feeling. L-like I need you! Duets don't work for me. And I don't need you. What I NEED is to find a way to keep Santana off my heels. What I NEED is to find new ways to torture Rachel.

Quinn:
[to Rachel] What's your angle? Me winning means you losing, and you'll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen. So what's in it for you?

Rachel:
Hey, I have something I want to talk to you about.

Kurt:
Please, not another pregnancy.

Rachel:
I think you and I are a little more similar than you might think.

Kurt:
That's a terrible thing to say.

Rachel:
I know you are lonely.

Kurt:
[stopped moving for a moment]

Rachel:
I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can’t act on for fear or being humiliated or ridiculed or worse. We’re gonna win nationals this year, and you know how we're gonnna do that?

Kurt:
... ?

Rachel:
Because we have you.

Kurt:
That’s true...

Rachel:
That’s 12 people who love you just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I know you’re lonely, but you’re not alone. So, I was wondering if you would may be want to sing a duet with me, I think you’ll be really happy with my song selection. It’s sort of everything that both you and I love.

Kurt:
But the duet competition is over.

Rachel:
I know. I thought this one could be for me and you.

Santana:
Look, I don't mean to be a bitch...well actually I do.

Quinn:
Does that work on the girls where you're from? The impressions, the bad jokes, the Navi?

Sam:
I don't know. I went to an all boys boarding school.

Quinn:
[nods] Now it makes sense.

Sam:
I know what's it's like to have a secret you're ashamed of.

Quinn:
[gasps] So...so you are gay!

Sam:
What are you doing?

Quinn:
We're not using them. You're paying.

Sam:
Why?

Quinn:
Because a gentleman always pays on the first date.

Kurt:
Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Shawshank on you.

Kurt:
You know they make shampoo for color treated hair.

Sam:
I don't dye my hair!

Kurt:
Uh-huh.

Santana:
So fricking charming.

Kurt:
So what are you going to be for Halloween this year?

Brittany:
I'm going as a peanut allergy.

Will:
Sam, I'd like you to play the role of the Creature.

Sam:
[confused] From the Black Lagoon?

Quinn:
Rocky. He's like the Frankenstein character, but blond. You'll kill the part. He's cute....just like you.

Kurt:
There is no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.

Santana:
Why, cause that look was last season?

Finn:
I don't know what's going in this script and it's not in a cool Inception way.

Rachel:
Just try it, okay? Okay, so they take off our wet clothes and we do the rest of the scene in our underwear.

Finn:
Wait, I'm in my tighty-whiteys?

Rachel:
Yeah.

Finn:
I can’t be on stage in front of the whole school in my tighty-whiteys. They’re gonna be able to see my whole business.

Quinn:
Is it? Guys whisper behind our backs about how we look everyday. They objectify us all the time.

Santana:
Yeah, earlier today Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I’m done with the ostrich eggs I’m smuggling in my bra.

Tim:
(while convincing Sue to do the expose)And you can replace killer bees with whatever you want.

Barry:
Terrorists.

Tim:
Mexicans.

Barry:
Mexican terrorists.

Tim:
Ants.

Barry:
Mexican terrorist ants...

Carl:
You all have a role to fill and I'm just trying to help fill it.

Santana:
Wanky.

Becky:
Give me chocolate or I will cut you!

Will:
And action! [Music starts and the elevator starts going down]

Rachel:
[walking backwards to the elevator with Finn] Oh Brad, let's get out of here! I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm just plain scared!

Finn:
Well I'm here. There's nothing to worry about.

Mercedes:
[turns around and opens the elevator door]

Rachel:
[turns to Mercedes] Ahhh! [faints]

Mercedes:
(to Rachel) I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement.

Finn:
Yea, I don’t need to hid behind my muscles like you do.

Finn:
I know I’m a big athlete and it’s not manly or anything, but I’m kinda insecure about how I look.

Will:
First, the acapella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.

Santana:
Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.

Will:
All right guys, let's get down to business. First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman. [to Puck] Puck, I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.

Puck:
Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.

Quinn:
Wow, what a catch. I can't believe I ever let you go.

Will:
Kurt, gonna say it again, boys team.

Puck:
You two show up at Breadsticks tomorrow night around 7 and if we don't find hotter chicks to date, we might show up.

Santana:
You are so cool.

Will:
Is there anything that I could do?

Kurt:
No. This is my hill to climb alone.

Will:
Can I be honest? I think it’s getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back. But lately you’ve been belligerent, angry, pushing people away.

Kurt:
Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lessons plans are boring and repetitive. Boys versus girls? That doesn’t challenging any of us.

Will:
You mean because I didn’t let you join the girls like you wanted.

Kurt:
To answer your question, yes, I’m unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down. But most of all, I’m not challenged in the least here.

Santana:
If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

Santana:
Wait, something’s definitely wrong. Why isn’t Rachel talking?

Puck:
I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy, ‘Leggo my Eggo.’ And you know what he does? He lets go of my Eggo!

Santana:
You should be our nation’s president.

Kurt:
The Fury?

Karofsky:
That's the name of my fist.

Kurt:
Well, with that level of creativity you could easily become assistant manager of a rendering plant.

Kurt:
What exactly going on?

Blaine:
The Warblers. Every now and then they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons. It tends the school shut down for a while.

Kurt:
Wait. The Glee Club here is kind of cool?

Blaine:
The Warblers are like rock stars.

Kurt:
[opens his eyes wide]

Blaine:
Come on. I know a shortcut. [took Kurt’s hand and started to run]

Kurt:
It's very civilized for you to invited me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.

Wes:
We are not going to beat you up.

David:
You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of endearing.

Blaine:
Which made me think that spying on us wasn’t really the reason you came.

Kurt:
[smiled awkwardly] Can I ask guys a question?...Are you guys all gay?

Blaine, Wes and David:
[bursted into laughter. Kurt showed upset look for a moment]

Blaine:
No...I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends.

David:
This is not a gay school. We just have a zero - tolerance harassment policy.

Wes:
Everyone gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple.

Kurt:
[tried to say something but couldn't]

Blaine:
[looking at Kurt for a while] Would you guys excuse us？

Wes:
Yeah, take it easy, Kurt.

Blaine:
I take it you're having trouble at school.

Kurt:
I’m the only person out of the closet at my school. And I tried to stay strong about it..but there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell - and no one seems to notice.

Blaine:
I know how you feel. I got taunted at my old school, and it really – it pissed me off.

Blaine:
Or you can tell them. Or you can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt. And you have a chance right now to teach him.

Kurt:
How?

Blaine:
Confront him. Call him out. I ran, Kurt. I didn’t stand up. I let bullies chase me away, and it is something I really, really regret.

Kurt:
Hey, You! I am talking you!

Karofsky:
Girl's locker room is next door.

Kurt':
What is your problem?

Karofsky:
'Scuse me?

Kurt:
What are you so scared of?

Karofsky:
Besides you sneaking a peak at my junk?

Kurt:
Oh yeah, every straight guys nightmare that all us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well guess what, hamhog? You're not my type.

Karofshy:
Is that right?

Kurt:
Yeah. I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are gonna be bald by the time they're 30.

Karofsky:
[holds up fist] Do not push me Hummel.

Kurt:
You gonna hit me? Do it.

Karofsky:
[angrier] Don't push me!

Kurt:
Hit me cause it's not gonna change the way I am. You can't punch the gay out of me more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!

Karofsky:
GET OUTTA MY FACE!

Kurt:
You are nothing but a little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!

Karosky:
[kisses Kurt then attempts to kiss Kurt again and is pushed away] UGH! [leaves the locker room leaving Kurt shocked]

Quinn:
A little something something always leads to something more. I've been there, remember?

Quinn:
Is this hot enough for you?

Quinn:
When we're Prom King and Queen, it'll feel just as good as a little something something.

Quinn:
I said, say my name.

Sam:
[imagining Beiste]

Beiste:
[wearing a cheerleader suit] I said, say my name.

Sam:
Beiste.

Quinn:
[stops kissing Sam] Are you okay?

Will:
And now you've been kissed.

Blaine:
[in a text] Courage

Rachel:
I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?

Finn:
No, it's us, the boys.

Mike:
And Tina.

Finn:
Coach Beiste, we think you’re awesome. And even though you’re all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn’t mean you’re not the opposite on the inside.

Sam:
Like a chocolate turtle.

Finn:
Totally. You’re nougaty.

Quinn:
[about Coach Beiste] Look, I get it. She’s in a position of power over you — which can be exciting — and you clearly like women who give you a hard time.

Blaine:
He's not coming out anytime soon. [saw Kurt flopped down on the stair] What's going on? Why are you so upset?

Kurt:
Because, up until yesterday I have never been kissed.

Will:
[turns around and sees everyone as little kids] Okay, I definitely have a fever.

Young Santana:
Looking good Puckerman. Someone's been eating their Wheaties.

Young Puck:
[kisses his muscles] These guns are fully loaded.

Young Rachel:
Mr Schue? I for one think we should use our set list for Sectionals to explore the ouevre of one Bernadette Peters.

Young Brittany:
Someday, I'm going to Paris to visit the Oeuvre.

Young Mike:
I just want to dance.

Young Mercedes:
Mr. Schuester? You look a little green.

Kurt:
I'm shaking and it's either from low blood sugar or rage. It was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over Glee club.

[Flashback]

Rachel:
[Writes "Me" on the board] Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence I'd like to go around and ask everyone what songs you want me to perform at Sectionals.

Santana:
Alright. You know what? Let me at her! Tu eres loca!

[Everyone starts holding Santana back.]

Rachel:
[screams]

[Flashback ends.]

Mercedes:
You'll forget all about it at bowling.

Kurt:
I can't. Blaine asked me to hang out.

Kurt:
You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.

Rachel:
Did I just hear something about a substitute? [slips and falls]

Puck:
Yes! It works!

Rachel:
[gets up and fixes herself] Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine!

[Artie, Tina and Mercedes laugh.]

Holly:
[walks in the choir room and slides the buttered floor]

Artie:
Oh what the hell?

Holly:
Hola classe. Nothing says bienvenidos like a buttered floor.

Kurt:
[walks in and slips]

Puck:
I'm Finn Hudson, the goofy Quarterback,

Santana:
I'm Rachel Berry, his loud-mouth girlfriend.

Brittany:
I'm Mike Chang.

Mike:
[nods]

Kurt:
Ms. Holiday's right. Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes makes it seem like he hasn't listened to the radio since the 80s.

[Flashback]

Puck:
Mr. Schue, I want to do that new Cee Lo song Forget You.

Will:
No. Come on, guys! There has to be a Journey song we haven't done yet!

[Flashback ends]

Finn:
[about Holly Holliday] Kinda hard not to like this woman.

Kurt:
On the count of three, name your favorite 2010 Vogue cover. 1...2...3!

Blaine and Kurt:
[together] Marion Cotillard!

Blaine:
[gushes] Oh my god, stop it!

Kurt:
I know, I know. She's AMAZING!

Blaine:
She's amazing!

[In Mercedes's head]

Kurt:
Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

Blaine:
Gay, gay...

Kurt:
Oh my god, I opened my mouth and a little purse fell out! How'd that get there?

Blaine:
That's so gay!

Mercedes:
That's not what I'm talking about. [writes something on a board, stands on her chair and holds the board up that says "Tots"]

[Teenagers in the lunchroom see the sign and stand up.]

Girl:
TOTS!

Kurt:
Oh, my God.

[All the teenagers in the lunchroom are chanting "tots".]

Brittany:
Mr Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

Holly Holliday:
Rachel.. you suck! Oh my God, you’re like a total drag! Has anyone ever told you that?

Puck:
(passes by)I have.

Holly Holliday:
Wow... Your wife's kind of a bitch.

Sue:
(holds up a piece of broccoli) Do you know what this is?

Mercedes:
A toilet brush.

Sue:
It' broccoli. When I showed this to to Brittany earlier she began to whimper thinking I cut down a small tree where a small family of gummy bears lived.

Holly:
Lindsey Lohan es bien loca, no?

Holly:
These kids feel special; they have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.

Holly:
Last year a guy asked me to marry him. I moved.

Holly:
I'm Holly Holliday.

Terri Schuester:
Are you a porn star or a drag queen?

Holly:
Cee-Lo, that's what I'm talking about!

Santana:
What would you know about Cee-Lo? You’re like... 40.

Holly:
Top 40, sweet cheeks. Hit it!

Will:
Now, when I'm sick there's only one thing that makes me feel better

Artie:
[Nodding] Gin and Juice

Will:
No, Singin' in the Rain.

Will:
I thought we were friends.

Sue:
Yeah, that got boring.

Holly:
Hey Rachel!

Rachel:
Hello, Ms. Holiday. I'd like you know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttocks from your game of gansta rap musical chairs. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.

Terri:
You have to admit no matter how toxic our marriage was I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick.

Will:
That's because you like me best when I'm weak.

Kurt:
I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I’m thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colours, Finn. Fall wedding colors.

Kurt:
Long story short – you’re having a Glee wedding!

Quinn:
So what do you want to talk about in private?

Sam:
These galactic mobiles aren't the stars at McKinley. We are. Or at least I want us to be. I think I love you.

Quinn:
Oh.

Sam:
Look, my shoulder's healed up and I'm going to be the quarterback again soon. And you're already the head cheerleader. [Bends on one knee and opens a box with a ring]

Quinn:
Oh my god, are you proposing? We've known each other for 6 weeks. Stand up. You're freaking me out.

Sam:
I-I wanna marry you, someday. Until then, will you accept this promise ring?

Quinn:
What are you, 6?

Sam:
: [Stands up] If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy to move around. I promise to make you feel proud when you walk down the hall and say, "That dude's my boyfriend." I promise to do all of those things without trying to sound like Matthew McConaughey.

Quinn:
[Laughs softly]

Sam:
[Bends down on one knee again] I really care about you, Quinn and I want us to be together.

Quinn:
[Closes the box]

Sam:
Is that a no?

Quinn:
It's a maybe. [Leaves]

Kurt:
It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming. I can't concentrate. I don't feel like I'm part of the school. I feel like I'm in a horror movie where this creature follows me around terrifying me and there's nothing I can do about it? You don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of.

Will:
What does that mean?

Kurt:
Nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Sue:
Lady, if this kid lays a finger on you, I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your order. Okay? But until that happens, I'm genuinely sorry to say this, there's nothing legally I or the school board can do.

Will:
Come on Kurt. We're gonna be late for rehearsal.

Kurt:
[Gets his bag and begins to leave but stops and turns to Sue] You know when you call me lady, that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.

Sue:
I'm sorry, I thought that was your name. As an apology I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, or Tickle Me Doughface.

Kurt:
I guess I'll go with Porcelain.

Sue:
Damn, totally wanted Tickle Me Doughface.

Rachel:
Ladies, the Kurt/Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable. He's losing weight and not in a good way and he's barely fighting me for solos anymore.

Tina:
We've all been teased but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse.

Rachel:
We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky.

Quinn:
Okay, first of all, I'm not dating Sam. And second of all, I think you set the feminist movement back fifty years.

Rachel:
Look, guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.

Quinn:
So, we're going to fight violence with violence?

Rachel:
No! Look I'm not saying that we should hit him, I'm saying that we need to defend Kurt and there's strength in numbers.

Tina:
So I'm confused. [Turns to Brittany] Are you and Artie officially dating now?

Brittany:
Deal with it. When you guys ever fooled around, did he ever just, like, lie there?

Santana:
[Walks in] Why didn't you tell me we were having a Glee girls meeting?

Rachel:
This is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt.

Santana:
Okay, I'm dating Puckerman.

Quinn:
You're getting naked with Puckerman.

Tina:
Besides, Puck can't mess with Karofsky. He's on probation. If he gets in a fight with him, he'll be sent back to juvee.

Rachel:
Mm-hmm. So now if you'll excuse us.

Santana:
[scoffs] You're so on my list, dwarf. [leaves]

Rachel:
Look if something bad happens to Kurt and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves.

Kurt:
Trust me on this. I’ve been planning weddings since I was 2. My Power Rangers have gotten married and divorced in so many combinations it’s like they’re Fleetwood Mac.

Finn:
Are you sure we should free 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get messy?

Kurt:
That's why we feed them glitter.

Artie:
Stop picking on Kurt.

Karofsky:
You mind? I'm changing.

Mike:
We're serious. [slams locker closed] This is a warning.

Karofsky:
Oh, yeah?

Artie:
From now on you're gonna leave him alone.

Karofsky:
Look, if he wants to be a homo, that's up to him. But don't rub it in my face.

Artie:
We're not asking you.

Mike:
Yeah, we're done talking about this. It ends now. Just back off, alright?

Karofsky:
No you back off! [pushes Mike into Artie]

Finn:
Karofsky plays right guard. If he gets pissed at me, I'm gonna get sacked more times than Jay Cutler, which means we're gonna lose, which means Beiste is gonna make Sam quarterback.

Rachel:
Is being quarterback more important to you than helping out the kid who's gonna be your stepbrother?

Finn:
We both know I can help him more if I stay on top. Kurt's gonna be fine. Rachel, I'm sorry, I want to, but I can't.

Rachel:
I've never been so disappointed in you before.

Santana:
Where were you, Finn?

Finn:
Still out on the field, okay? I totally would have given him a beat-down if I'd been there.

Mercedes:
The fact is, it shouldn't have gone down without you, Finn. You should have been leading the charge.

Kurt:
[softly] Lay off Finn, everyone. It isn't his problem. It's none of your problems, actually. But thank you for what you did. Especially Sam.

Burt:
What the hell was that?

Kurt:
It's nothing, Dad.

Burt:
That wasn't nothing. That guy was making fun of you. What the hell's his name?

Finn:
Tell him Kurt.

Burt:
Tell me what?

Finn:
Tell him, or I will.

Kurt:
His name's Dave Karofsky. He's been harassing me for a few weeks now.

Burt:
Harassing you how?

Kurt:
Just shoving me and giving me a hard time.

Burt:
There's more. There's something else you're not telling me.

Kurt:
He threatened to kill me.

Paul Karofsky:
So let me ask you...why would Kurt make that up?

Dave Karofsky:
Maybe he likes me.

Kurt:
[opens his eyes wide]

Burt:
I think we're wasting our time here. [to Sue] It's your job to protect people.

[Finn is trying to put on a tie, but can't. Santana walks up to him]

Finn:
Never learned to tie a tie.

Santana:
Sit down, Frankenteen. You know you're losing it. Sam's clearly the new glee favorite, he's going to be starting quarterback...

Finn:
What's your point?

Santana:
You need a coolness injection. Y'know if you were honest and told people we did it last year, you would go from uncool to Chilly Willy.

Finn:
Maybe. But I can't do that.

[Flashback to Finn and Rachel in Rachel's room kissing]

Rachel:
Wait.

Finn:
What?

Rachel:
I have to tell you something... I never had sex with Jesse. I-I lied... to make you jealous. But this is good, because now neither of us have done it, we can save it, for each other.

Finn:
Awesome.

[Cut back to Finn and Santana]

Finn:
If she found out, she'd break up with me.

Santana:
And that would be bad because?

Finn:
Because I'm in love with her and I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

Santana:
Don't you see that that midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?

Finn:
Stop it, Santana, that's my girlfriend! I think you should leave.

Santana:
[Gets up] Okay. Well, maybe I'll tell her. I mean, if you two broke up, we'd be free to see each other, right?

Rachel:
[Walks in] Hey. What are you guys doing?

Santana:
Nothing. I was just leaving.

Rachel:
Aren't you going to tell me how pretty I look?

Finn:
You look amazing.

Rachel:
What?

Finn:
I... I just really love you.

Rachel:
I love you, too.

Burt:
I'm not really known for having a way with words. You know, when you're a kid, adults will tell you lots of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much, but Kurt... He lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back, I-I wanna apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living, it just... it wasn't living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well,sometimes, out of nowhere, He'll do you one better. He'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders and He pointed me towards this woman right here, and He said, 'There she is, go get her'. You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you - you're everything. And I will love you till the day I die.

[Rachel tears up, Finn smiles at her, Santana watches longingly]

Carole:
I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other just saved me. Kurt, you're an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. [Carole holds Finn's hand, Burt takes Kurt's] We are four people becoming a family.

Priest:
Okay. Burt, do you take Carole—

Burt:
You bet I do!

Priest:
And do you, Carole, take this man—

Carole:
Oh, yes, I do! Yes, I do!

[Everyone applauds. Burt and Carole kiss]

Will:
And now, I'd like to introduce one of the best men: Finn Hudson.

Finn:
[Takes a glass from the waiter] Oh, thanks. Hi. Uh, thank you. Best man. Right. Well, I wanna propose a toast to my mom, who is so awesome. I mean, somehow even without one in the house, you've taught me what it means to be a man. [Carole tears up] In Glee club, whenever two of us get together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finchel. [Rachel smiles] Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. [Rachel scowls] And today, a new union was formed: Furt [Kurt looks surprised, the gleeks laugh. To Kurt] You and me, man. We're brothers from another mother. And quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, uh, some stuff's gone down. And I haven't manned up like I should've. From now on, no matter what it costs me, I got your back. Okay? Even if it means getting a slushie in the face every now and then. [The gleeks chuckle] You put this entire wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So, as a thank-you I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor. [To Kurt] You're gonna dance it with me dude.

Quinn:
We've been talking this whole time and you haven't even noticed that I'm wearing your ring

Sam:
How'd you get that?

Quinn:
I broke into your locker. I've always been really handy with a nail file

Sam:
Really?

Quinn:
Mmm-hmm.

Kurt:
I can't go back to being terrified all the time. I jump up every time a locker slams shut. I flinch whenever I turn the corner. I don't feel safe at this school.

Finn:
What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?

Kurt:
I'm sorry Finn, but there's nothing to talk about. Karofsky's coming back tomorrow, so that means I won't be.

Sam:
We can protect you.

Puck:
Seriously. We can form a perimeter around you, like the Secret Service.

Finn:
Yeah.

Kurt:
The only thing that can really protect me is what they have at Dalton: a zero-tolerance no bullying policy.

Kurt:
I don't want you near me.

Rachel:
You need something much more personal than that. This is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?

Kurt:
No.

Rachel:
I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief and all of the heartfelt speeches and regrets.

Kurt:
That's insane.

Rachel:
Clearly, no one in the Glee Club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am, but it being too late?

Blaine:
I don't know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's about being a part of team.

Kurt:
I guess I'm just used to having to scream to get noticed.

Blaine:
You're not gonna make it as a Warbler if all you care about is getting noticed.

Kurt:
You're right. I'm sorry.

Blaine:
I know it's gonna take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough, I promise.

Rachel:
What I meant to say was, "wow, that really sucks. I'm sure you were really good."

Kurt:
I was. I mean, I think I was. Being in The Warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.

Rachel:
Yeah, what has become of us, Kurt? ...So, do you miss us?

Kurt:
I do. Being a Warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down.

Rachel:
It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at Mckinley any more, and we all get it.

Kurt:
How come you were never this nice to me before?

Rachel:
You were my only REAL competition.

Kurt:
[smiles] True, true.

Finn:
Are we a part of something special? You and me?

Rachel:
Yes.

Will:
And the ornaments?

Santana:
The man who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother and when the police came they left the whole place like wide open. I think she was a holiday hoarder.

Mercedes:
We won Sectionals two years in a row and according to everyone at this school, we still suck.

[Flashback]

Mike, Tina and Mercedes:
(walking and talking in the hallway)

(Karofsky, Azimo and another football player are walking towards them with slushies in their hands. They splash the slushies at Mike, Tina and Mercedes.)

Azimo:
Ho, ho, ho losers! HA HA!

[Flashback ends]

Mike:
I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush in the parking lot.

Lauren:
You can eat that you know.

Rachel:
I can't believe that teacher let those students speak to us like that.

Puck:
I can't believe she threw a shoe at us.

Brittany:
Pretty soon no one will bully us. Santa Claus can do anything and this year I asked for the Glee club to stop getting picked on.

Lauren:
She's kidding, right?

Artie:
Guys, this is serious. Listen up.

(Everyone gathers around Artie.)

Artie:
Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.

Mercedes:
(holds in a laugh) You cannot be serious.

Sam:
Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.

Quinn:
She's gonna find out sooner or later.

Rachel:
(looking at Finn)

Finn:
(decorating the tree)

Rachel:
Do you mind, um, meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at four?

Finn:
Sure.

Lauren:
Someone's gotta break the news to her.

Puck:
Uh uh. Not me. I mean I'm cruel and all but that's just hardcore.

Artie:
That's my point. Hear me out. Remember how excited you get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little longer?

Mike:
How?

Artie:
I got it all figured out.

(Everyone looks at Brittany)

Brittany:
(hanging stockings by the piano)

Will:
(writing present ideas for Sue) 1) Dog Robot 2) A soul

Will:
Who's that? Someone special?

Kurt:
Just a friend. But on the upside, I'm in love with him and he's actually gay. I call that progress.

Will:
How you doing?

Kurt:
Classes are harder, but the kids are kinder. But I miss you guys a lot though. So, what brings you here? Are you looking for teaching at a place where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?

Blaine:
(to Kurt) I need you to sing with me, well rehearse with me. I got a gig singing Baby it's Cold Outside in the the King's Island Christmas Spectacular.

Kurt:
Ah a personal favorite! Too bad they'd never let us sing it together... I mean as two artists.

Blaine:
For the record, you are much better than that girl's gonna be.

Brittany:
Go Mercedes, go Mercedes, go! (smiles)

Mercedes:
(sitting on Santa's lap) I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony and a dolly that laughs and cries and...one of us smells like McDonald's.

Lauren:
(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. And I want sweet potato fries.

Santana:
(sitting on Santa's lap) I want bling. I can't be more specific than that. Okay hold up. Don't tell that's a roll of Certs in your pocket. (gets off)

Artie:
(nodding)

Quinn:
(sitting on Santa's lap) Do you have anything for stretch marks?

Sam:
(sitting on Santa's lap) Chapstick. Lots of Chapstick.

Mike:
(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.

Tina:
(sitting on Santa's lap) When does Asian Santa arrive?

Elf Lady:
Next.

Brittany:
(to Elf Lady) Just know, you have rights.

Santa:
Ho, ho, ho.

Brittany:
(sits on Santa's lap)

Santa:
What's your name?

Brittany:
Brittany. You've gotten really tan.

Santa:
That's because in the North Pole there is a hole in the ozone.

Brittany:
(laughs) You're amazing. I know you're really busy so I only want one thing for Christmas. (points to Artie) Do you see my boyfriend over there?

Artie:
(waves)

Brittany:
For Christmas, I want him to be able to walk. You can do that, can't you Santa?

Artie:
(frowns)

Santa:
(turns to Artie)

Artie:
(shakes his head no)

Santa:
Um...sure. I'm on it.

Brittany:
Thank you Santa.

Artie:
Now we're screwed.

Brittany:
(hugs Santa)

Sue:
I'm going to stop you right there! Why are you wearing that hat?

Lauren:
Because it's Christmas, and it's fun.

Sue:
No, it's offensive. You're wearing a Santa Claus hat, and yet you're not handing me any gifts. I need gifts.

Lauren:
You want my hat?

Sue:
It's a start.

Rachel:
This Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you.

Rachel:
I'm very specific when I give a gift. You don't know how many kittens I gave away because they just weren't right.

Rachel:
Whether it's heart attack or heartbreak, just like Broadway, the show must go on.

Sue:
See people, I hate Christmas but I love presents.

Finn:
Can't you see how screwed up I am about this? I've had two girlfriends and both have cheated on me.

Will:
You know what you are Sue? You're a grinch.

Quinn:
I can't believe I'm doing this. I look horrible with short hair.

Tina:
Shut up. With your bone structure, you could totally pull off a Rosemary's Baby look. I'm going to look like Jackie Chan.

Will:
You can't do that.

Santana:
It's okay. Most of this isn't mine anyway.

Brittany:
I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave.

Coach Beiste:
She put husky to good use.

Brittany:
Was her name Rickki Lake?

(During the Glee club's performance)

Becky:
Christmas came anyway, Coach. It's beautiful.

Sue:
It is.

[After the performance]

Finn:
So how much did we raise?

Puck:
$210 bucks and that's after my cut.

Finn:
(frowns)

Puck:
I'm kidding.

Rachel:
Now that you're divorced and Ms. Pillsbury married another guy, I guess you'll be spending Christmas alone.

Will:
Yes Rachel, I am.

Rachel:
Well I know how painful being alone can be so if you want you can come over to my house. We're going to eat Chinese food and watch the Main Event.

Will:
Well thanks Rachel but I think I'm going to pass. Nothing wrong with being alone.

(Everyone walks back into the chorus room and stop in their tracks with stunned looks on their faces.)

Tina:
Artie.

Artie:
(standing up with machines supporting his legs and his hands gripping on canes)

Brittany:
(gasps in shock)

(Everyone gathers around Artie.)

Artie:
It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time but...check me out. (slowly takes a few steps then stops)

Quinn:
Where did you get it?

(Flashback)

Brittany:
(wheeling Artie to her living room) (voiceover) We went home and it was sitting under my Christmas tree.

(Flashback ends)

Sam:
How the hell did you afford that thing?

Brittany:
I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer.

Artie:
(turns to Santana) I assumed her dad got it for me but he has no idea. He went to take a long poop and then it was there.

Rachel:
So if no one knew who bought it for you then-

Brittany:
Santa brought it.

Mercedes:
Santa.

Artie:
(nods) Santa.

Quinn:
A real Christmas miracle.

Coach Beiste':
(watching and smiling)

[At Will's home]

Will:
(enters his home and takes off his scarf and coat and grabs something from his fridge then enters his living room)

Sue:
Hey Will.

Will:
(shocked) How--How did you get in here?

Sue:
Oh, I had key made ages ago.

Will:
(staring in astonishment)

Sue:
Do you like your tree?

Will:
Uh, it's-it's beautiful. What's going on? What's with all the presents?

Sue:
Well you remember that old meanie who stole of those stuff in the choir room? Well she's sorry.

Will:
Really? Well what made her change her mind?

Sue:
I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something but I got you something special. (gives Will a present) It's okay. It's not going to explode.

Will:
(takes the present, opens it and takes out a razor)

Sue:
I thought you'd like to put us all out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.

Will:
(smiles) Thanks, Sue. The tree really does look great.

Sue:
Well Santa had some helpers. (blows her whistle)

(The Glee kids come out)

Rachel:
No one should be alone on Christmas, Mr. Schuester.

Sue:
Too much talking, lady. Come on, let's get some Christmas up here.

(The Glee club starts decorating the Christmas tree.)

Will:
I thought you hated the holidays.

Sue:
Nah, I just hate you.

Will:
Merry Christmas, Sue.

Sue:
Merry Christmas, Will.

Sue:
Brittany, please remind me how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map.

Finn:
Funny, Karofsy, how you call everyone gay all the time. But you never seem to have a girlfriend.

Strando:
We're dudes. It's weird. Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Ke$ha song.

Puck:
Maybe it won't so weird when I go Tik Tok on your face.

Sue:
I try to make a habit of not touching carnie folk. But, fella, I'll take it.

Will:
Do you trust me?

Coach Beiste:
You're not gonna try and kiss me again, are you?

Tina:
Oh my God. Artie!

[Everyone turns to Artie.]

Artie:
[wheels into the choir room covered in slushie] It was awful.

Finn:
[furious] That's it! Screw rehearsal! This ends here and now!

Rachel:
As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.

Will:
All right. New Directions, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.

Mercedes:
Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue. Are you serious?

Will:
Hey, hey. Come on.

Coach Beiste:
Hey.

Finn:
Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.

Rachel:
And there's no way that I am sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.

Brittany:
I don't want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled.

Sue:
Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.

Finn:
Can we not fight for just one day? It’s already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you.

Puck:
[to Rachel] You ready?

Rachel:
[takes her mouth guard out of her mouth] Let's kick some ass!!

Kurt:
Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.

Katie Couric:
So tell me Sue, how are you holding up?

Sue:
I'm hanging in there. Thank you.

Katie Couric:
I know it's painful, but can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as "Loser of the Year"?

Sue:
I thought this was The 10 Most Fascinating...

Katie Couric:
That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, nine percent unemployment, and Sparky Lohan who is Dina Lohan's dog, and apparently also a loser. How do you cope with that?

Sue:
I've been drinking a lot of bleach.

Katie Couric:
Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?

Sue:
Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.

Katie Couric:
Thoughts?

Sue:
I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

Katie Couric:
...

Puck:
(to Finn) We used to be best friends...before I got your girlfriend pregnant and then made out with your other girlfriend.

Quinn:
I'm torn.

Santana:
Well, I'm not.

Brittany:
I'm Brittany.

Kurt:
Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? We live together. I bring him a nice glass of warm milk every night just in hopes that we'll have a little lady chat.

Blaine:
Warm milk? Really?

Kurt:
It's delicious.

Karofsy:
So this is what the ladies lounge looks like on the inside

Sam:
This is the choir room. Now put up your hands cause you and I are gonna do some dancing.

Finn:
No, I got this, Sam.

Puck:
[on Lauren] Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me like my mom.

Lauren:
Stare at me again and I'll break your nuts.

Barista:
What can I get you?

Blaine:
A Medium Drip, and a Grande Non-Fat Mocha for this guy, and maybe I can get him to split one of the Cupid cookies.

Kurt:
You know my coffee order?

Blaine:
Of course I do.

Barista:
That'll be $8.40.

[Kurt and Blaine both start to pull out their wallets]

Blaine:
Don't even bother dummy, it's on me.

[Blaine walks away after paying]

Kurt:
[to barista] I do believe I have a new favorite holiday. [laughs]

Will:
Okay guys, I've got one word for you.

Brittany:
Is it love? I'm totally going to graduate now!

Finn:
And just like a famous athlete I want to give to a charity. You guys. So I'm setting up a kissing booth for a dollar a smooch and donating the proceeds to glee club to help us-

Mercedes:
Don't even act like you want to help this glee club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls.

Santana:
I've kissed him, and can I just say? Not worth the buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man boobs.

Finn:
Do you ever get tired tearing other people down?

Santana:
No, not really.

Finn:
'Cause you always seemed to be meddling in everyone else's business.

Santana:
Oh please. You guys love me. I keep it real and I'm hilarious.

Lauren:
Actually, you're just a bitch.

[Everyone laughs and gasps in shock.]

Santana:
[turns to Lauren] Whoa! Okay, I'm sorry. You just got eyes for my man.

Puck:
Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.

Quinn:
And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.

Tina:
Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged into a twelve step program.

Will:
Wait, what?

Santana:
You're addicted to vests.

Rachel:
The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Okay maybe you're right. Maybe I'm destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical of Willow, but the only job you're gonna have is working on a pole.

[Everyone gasps.]

Santana:
Fine. [gets up and leaves]

Will:
Santana.

Brittany:
[comforting Santana] Maybe try rocking back and forth. People do that in movies.

Santana:
[crying] No 'cause I just try to be really, really honest with people but I think that they suck, you know?

Brittany:
Yeah.

Santana:
No one gets it.

Finn:
Brush and floss time. Gotta keep up the oral hygiene if I’m gonna satisfy all of you.

Blaine:
If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50 percent discount.

Jeremiah:
No one here knows I'm gay.

Kurt:
Can I be honest? Just with the hair, I think they do.

Jeremiah:
Blaine, let's just be clear here. You and I got coffee twice, we're not dating. If we were I'd get arrested, considering your age.

Lauren:
I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S.

Sam:
I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.

Brittany:
That's my man and his legs don't work!

Finn:
Tenderoni!

Tina:
I'm so in love I may just start crying. [kisses Mike]

Santana:
I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might might mistake her for the endangered white rhino.

Lauren:
I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave off your head.

Santana:
Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person.

Lauren:
Thank you.

Santana:
Now get out of the way, please. Afores I ends you.

Lauren:
You don't want to push me.

Santana:
You see, I sorta do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks. [flicks her hand at Lauren's shoulder]

Santana:
That's how we do it in Lima Heights!

Kurt:
So, it's just like 'When Harry Met Sally'. But I get to play Meg Ryan.

Blaine:
Deal. [pauses] Don't they get together in the end?

Kurt:
[smiles and ignores the question]

Tina:
[piggy back rides Mike and nibbling his ear]

Mike:
[laughing]

Santana:
[voiceover] How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action in this school, and here I am, on Valentine's and single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.

Quinn:
[smirking at Finn]

Finn:
[smiling back at Quinn]

Santana:
Wait, that's weird. Quinn has that queen bitch smirk on her face and Finn only has that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. [gasps] Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like! I do it all the time. [chuckles]

Santana:
I've always loved volunteering at the local hospital, and not just because of the sexy candy stripper outfit. Giving back is so important.

Santana:
Please. I’ve had mono so many times I’ve turned into stereo.

Mike:
[goes to comfort Tina]

Tina:
[crying harder and turns to Mike] Everyday is Valentine's Day when I'm with you. I'm so overcome with love. I love you, Mike Chang.

Will:
Okay, wow. That was powerful...almost too powerful. [goes to Mike and Tina]

Quinn:
So how about we stop talking about tonguing and Finn and I head down to the nurse?

Santana:
You know what? I think that is a capital idea! [smiles evilly]

Quinn:
The first time I cheated, I got pregnant. The second time I did it, I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Finn:
There's nothing going on between me and Rachel.

Quinn:
All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me... you're staring at her.

Rachel:
She's prettier than me.

Finn:
Would you stop? You're beautiful.

Finn:
I'm just so confused in my head right now.

Rachel:
Now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back.

Sue:
[in her journal] Goodbye cruel world. Yes, losers. I'm committing Sue-icide.

Sue:
Will, you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind Wikileaks.

Quinn:
I didn't kiss Finn, Sam. I saved his life.

Sam:
My dad always said there were two ways to get a girl to love you: take her hunting, and rock n roll.

Sam:
Who is more rock n roll than Justin Bieber? No one.

Sue:
Get use to this abuse, Glee kids! I got nothing but time. Nothing but time.

Emma:
Sue should join the Glee club.

Will:
Wait, what?

Sue:
No, rather be dead.

Sue:
I agree with SpongeHair SquareChin. It's a stupid idea!

Rachel:
Why are my leg warmers on your arms?

Brittany:
I got cold.

Brittany:
I wore a tanktop today because I thought it was summer and no one ever told me how to read a calendar.

Brittany:
Most teachers think that by cutting class, I might improve my grades.

Will:
Who can tell us what an anthem is?

Brittany:
The bottom of an ant's pant.

Finn:
You guys do realize that Justin Bieber sucks, right?

Brittany:
(after Rachel demands her money back) My uncle lost his job and his goat was going hungry, so I spent it on food for the goat. I mean, sort of. The goat just ate the money.

Puck:
[about Sam dressed like Justin Bieber] That haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.

Sue:
Shh. Let her speak.

Sue:
[after Sam sang Baby] I gotta get that girl on my Cheerios.

Mike:
[stops kissing Tina] Are you playing Angry Birds?

Mercedes:
[after seeing the guys walk in looking like Justin Bieber] Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?

Sue:
Hey, where's the hate?

Will:
Not the point of glee club, Sue.

Santana:
Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake. Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork.

Santana:
Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my rib cage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can’t mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python.

Santana:
I wants on them froggy lips, and I want on them NOW.

Sam:
That's my James Earl Jones impression.

Santana:
That is offensive. He shot Martin Luther King.

Puck:
Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you?

Lauren:
If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the rest of the world the finger.

Puck:
Can I touch your knockers now?

Lauren:
Only if you wanna lose your hand. But you're on your way.

Sue:
I hate hospitals, William. That's why I kept voting for those death panels.

Sue:
If I hear one song from that classic rock outfit journey, I will start pulling catheters.

Santana:
My carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler, but no. I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.

Brittany:
Listen, Rachel. I'm gonna give you some tough love right now. You're not a trendsender. When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing, they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.

Rachel:
As our team leader and arbiter of all that is good, I must say: I don't think that song is good enough for Regionals.

Finn:
(after talking to Rachel about her confidence) You know, she may be making a comeback. (walks away)

Rachel:
(smiles softly)

Principal Figgins:
Why, just this week, we've had five suspensions for intoxication on school grounds.

Student:
Figgins, you rock! [lifts his shirt] Yeah man!

Principal Figgins:
Six suspensions.

Santana:
[talking on her cellphone] It sounds awful. Is anyone even going?

Brittany:
[walks next to Santana and holds out her cellphone] Let me find out. [dials Artie] Did you hear?

Artie:
[on his cellphone] Yes. Mercedes just told me.

Mercedes:
[pushing Artie's wheelchair] Tell them I'll go if they go.

Artie:
Tell them yourselves. I ain't no Pony Express.

Mercedes:
[rolls her eyes and turns on her headset] You're going, right?

Santana:
Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry house party is not something I can do sober.

Brittany:
But it's Alcohol Awareness week.

Santana:
Precisely and I'm aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman. [dials Puck]

Puck:
[on his cellphone] Go for Puck.

Santana:
Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friends score us some wine coolers?

Puck:
No, but his I.D. can.

[Everyone meets up at the same time.]

Mercedes:
Well if we're all in then it's settled. The Rachel Berry House Party Trainwreck Extravaganza is officially a go.

Emma:
I love hearing about the glee club, but I'm actually more interested in you.

Sue:
I suggest you pre-actively check into rehab, as you are a future alcoholic.

Sue:
Not to be alarmed, doctors say he will be fine, provided he can get the swelling in his brain under control.

Finn:
It's not emotional or good or...

Rachel:
It sucks.

Finn:
Yeah.

Rachel:
I've never even had a drink.

Finn:
Seriously? No wonder I never got past second base.

Finn:
[coming downstairs] Kurt's been blackmailing me every since he saw my browser history.

Rachel:
Brittany, remember the rules: no sitting on anything!

Rachel:
Let's party!

Rachel:
[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!

Kurt:
[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?

Finn:
No. Designated driver. What about you?

Kurt:
I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]

Blaine:
[dancing crazily]

Kurt:
Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.

Blaine:
Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.

Kurt:
Are you having fun, Blaine?

Blaine:
Yeah. This is the best party ever!

Rachel:
Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.

Finn:
[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]

Rachel:
Okay.

Finn:
Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

Santana:
[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!

Sam:
[confused]

Santana:
No kiss me! [kisses Sam]

Finn:
Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.

Quinn:
I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!

Puck:
Back off!

Lauren:
Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?

Puck:
Chill out!

Finn:
Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.

Brittany:
[dancing]

Artie:
[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.

Finn:
Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.

Mercedes and Tina:
[laughing hysterically]

Finn:
And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.

Rachel:
[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!

[Everyone cheers.]

Rachel:
Who wants to play spin the bottle?! [to Finn] Spin the bottle.

Santana:
You know what? A reminder. I owns that guppy mouth. Those shoddy Aerosmith lips belong to me, so.

Sam:
[kisses Brittany]

[Everyone laughs and cheers except for Quinn.]

Santana:
You know what? This is not...hey honeys, this is not a Big Red commercial, all right? No me gusta.

Rachel:
Whoo! Party! My turn. My turn. [spins the bottle and it lands on Blaine]

[Everyone oohs and laughs.]

Kurt:
This is outstanding!

Rachel:
Blaine Warbler, I am going to rock your world. [kisses Blaine for a long time]

Kurt:
Okay, I think we've seen enough.

Rachel:
[stops kissing Blaine] Your face...tastes awesome. I think I just found a new duet partner!

Blaine and Rachel:
[singing] Don't you want me baby?

Santana:
I want you! I do!

Tina:
[wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I need to close my locker and it's going to sound like a gunshot. [closes her locker gently]

Mercedes:
[starts walking with Tina, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've had the worst hangover since Saturday and it's Monday.

Santana:
[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was I told her I was practicing bird calls.

Mike:
[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] You guys, I can't stop barfing.

Tina:
Please don't say barf.

Santana:
I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girl's bathroom.

Mike:
I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.

Tina:
Can we talk about anything else?

[Tina, Mercedes, Santana and Mike meet up with Sam, Brittany, Artie and Quinn who are all wearing sunglasses and look tired.]

Artie:
I brought some Bloody Marys, y'all.

Mercedes:
Are you kidding? The last thing I want to do is drink.

Artie:
It will help with your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit your ass.

Quinn:
You're such a hypocrite. You drink. Most adults do.

Will:
I used to drink a lot when I was their age, mostly to deal with Terri.

Beiste:
You ain't lived until you seen me in a cowboy hat!

Kurt:
Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel normal.

Blaine:
I'd say "bye," but I wouldn't wanna make you angry.

Rachel:
The date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theatre - we even dressed up as the characters.

Kurt:
[says sarcastically] That's not gay at all.

Rachel:
Blaine and I have a lot in common.

Kurt:
A sentiment expressed by many a hag by many dating a gay.

Kurt:
I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a JOLLY good time, shopping at Burberry's and arguing who would make the best Rum-Tum-Tugger. But there's something you and Blaine will never have, and that's chemistry.

Kurt:
Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date, that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.

Sue:
It's kinda like nursing a POW back to health so he's at his strongest when you torture him.

Brittany:
[looking at the audience] You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha has been a culture icon for weeks and I really wanna do her music justice.

Sam:
We haven't had enough rehearsal.

Mercedes:
Or any at all.

Finn:
And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.

Rachel:
Never fear, teammates. [hands plastic cups to everyone] Now it’s a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. [pours her drink in each cup] In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dad’s liquor cabinet. There’s some Brandy and Vermouth, Portwine, and Scotch in here and also some Kool-aid and some crumbled up Oreos.

Santana:
Oh my God, this tastes like cough syrup.

Rachel:
There’s also cough syrup in here.

[Everyone clanks their cups together.]

Everyone:
Cheers.

Rachel:
To Ke$ha!

Figgins:
And now, performing the hit song Tik and also Tok, by rapper Key-dollar-sign-ha, New Directions.

Will:
Isn't drinking under 21 illegal?

Figgins:
The alcohol companies have been marketing alcoholic drinks to teenagers. In fact, just listen to any song by Key-dollar-sign-ha...

Will:
You mean Ke$ha?

Brittany:
[throws up on Rachel]

[The audience stares in shock and silence.]

Brittany:
Oh my God.

Rachel:
[disgusted and leaves the stage]

Santana:
[throws up also and coughs]

Brittany:
Everybody drink responsibly.

Sue:
My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit.

Will:
[voicemail to Emma] I rode a bull and was thinking of you.

Santana:
Why don't you down a 4 Loco, Count Boozy Von Drunk a Ton?

Rachel:
Being thrown up on, it just does something to a person.

Quinn:
There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black now.

Brittany:
That's so racist.

Finn:
What about after we win Nationals?

Will:
I'll buy the sparkling cider.

Burt:
I don't know what two guys do when they're together. You know, I sat through the whole of Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in that tent.

Emma:
Celibacy, ladies. Dig it!

Holly:
[in a classroom] Demonstration: [holds a condom] this is a condom. Which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS. And it also prevents pregnancy. [holds a cucumber]

Finn:
[shocked] Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?

Mercedes:
Seriously? 'Cause I just had them in my salad!

Brittany:
I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie. [closes her locker and leaves]

Santana:
Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with- Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

Tina:
[overhears and joins her] Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

Puck:
[walking with Lauren and overhears] It was only a matter of time.

Lauren:
For what?

Puck:
Brittany to get pregnant.

Lauren:
Oh. [sees Artie wheeling by] Congratulations!

Artie:
For what?

Lauren:
You didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're going to be a baby daddy!

Artie:
[silent and shocked]

[In the chorus room]

Will:
All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?

Artie:
[still in shock] My life is over. How am I suppose to support a baby? [turns to Brittany] How could you not tell me about this?

Will:
Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?

Brittany:
Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Puck:
Um, babies don't get dropped off.

Will:
Wait, Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.

Brittany:
I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Santana:
[looks at Brittany in shock]

Sam:
[smiles and shakes his head]

Will:
I want to educate them, not titillate them.

[In the chorus room]

Will:
[writes "Sexy" on the board] Sexy.

Santana:
I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals because with Berry in those tights, we don't stand a chance.

Will:
Ms. Holiday!

[The glee club cheers loudly as she enters the room.]

Holly:
Hola, clase.

Mercedes:
Oh no, it's the salad lady.

Holly:
Okay. So sex...it's just like hugging, only wetter.

Artie:
Yeah it is.

Holly:
Okay, so let's start with the basics. [to Finn] Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?

Finn:
I have always been dubious.

Will:
[strikes the piano keys]

Holly:
[to Brittany] And Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?

Brittany:
I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

Will:
[strikes the piano again]

Holly:
So just remember whenever you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with. And everybody’s got a random

Kurt:
[to Blaine] How are we gonna win Regionals if I have the sexual appeal of a baby penguin?

Kurt:
I've tried watching those movies but I just get horribly depressed and I think about how they were all kids once, and how they all have mothers and - God, what would their mothers think of them and WHY would you get that tattoo there?

Brittany:
I really like when we make out and stuff.

Santana:
Which isn't cheating because?

Brittany:
The plumbing's different.

Santana:
Look, let's be clear here. I'm not interested in any labels, unless it's on something I shoplift.

Brittany:
I don't know. Santana, I think we should talk to somebody, like an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me.

Santana:
Breakfast is confusing for you.

Brittany:
Well, sometimes it's sweet, sometime it's salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?

Santana:
I'm attracted to girls, I'm attracted to guys. I made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a human.

Holly:
Hmm well we've all been there.

Holly:
It's not about who you are attracted to ultimately, it's about who you fall in love with.

Burt Hummel:
[Having "the talk" with his son] Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know, this thing we always want to do. Ya know, its fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or, ya know, how the other person feels about it.

Kurt Hummel:
Women are different?

Burt Hummel:
Only because they get that its about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.

Kurt Hummel:
But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Burt Hummel:
No, its gonna be worse. Because its two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. Its gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just... you gotta know that it means something. You know, its doing something... to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like... you're just having fun.

Kurt Hummel:
So you're saying I shouldn't have sex?

Burt Hummel:
I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself.

[pause]

Burt Hummel:
Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready I want you to, use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.

Kurt Hummel:
[pause] Is that it?

Burt Hummel:
That's it, for now. Can I make you some toast?

Kurt Hummel:
I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets

[he gathers the gay sex Ed pamphlets his father has brought home]

Kurt Hummel:
. Thank you Dad.

Hummel:
You're welcome.

[Kurt leaves. Burt sighs a deep sigh of relief]

[In the hallways]

Santana:
[walks to Brittany] Hi.

Brittany:
Hi.

Santana:
Can we talk?

Brittany:
But we never do that.

Santana:
I know but, um, I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee club.

Brittany:
Yeah.

Santana:
'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking. What I realize is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with...because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.

Brittany:
I understand that.

Santana:
Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?

Brittany:
Not really.

Santana:
I want to be with you. But I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.

Brittany:
Yeah, but honey...if anyone were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

Santana:
[sniffles and begins to cry] Yeah, I know. But...I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept...that I love you. I love you. And I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please...

Brittany:
Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie.

Santana:
Artie?

Brittany:
I love him too. I don't want to hurt him. That's not right. I can't break up with him.

Santana:
Yes, you can. He's just a stupid boy.

Brittany:
But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single... [tries to touch Santana's arm]

Santana:
[pulls her arm away] Don't.

Brittany:
I am so yours. Proudly so.

Santana:
Yeah, wow. Whoever thought that being fluid meant that you could be so stuck?

Brittany:
Don't. I'm sorry -- [tries to hug Santana]

Santana:
[pushes her away] Get off me. [leaves]

Puck:
Once on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack. And I'm about 90% sure it's still there.

Puck:
I like wooing you, Lauren. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it's my second favorite part of my day.

Brittany:
The key is to use your curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from being burnt.

Lauren:
No.

Quinn:
I made a mistake with Puck. You should have been my first.

Holly:
You don't want any of this. I'm damaged goods. Yes, that makes me terrific in bed, but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you into Wasa Crackers.

Will:
I don't know if you heard...but I am an excellent educator.

Kurt:
Can I be really honest with you.. because it comes from a place of caring? Been there, done that!

Kurt:
Sometimes I don't feel like we're The Warblers. I feel like we're Blaine and the Pips.

Rachel:
[finishes singing] It's called "Only Child".

Finn:
Yeah, I got that. Uh...it's better than "My Headband". That's for sure. But it...feels like you're playing scared. You're only dealing with easy pain. You gotta get to the hard stuff. That's what's relatable to everybody.

Rachel:
I'm perfectly capable to accessing my pain. I cry every time I sing a solo.

Finn:
Exactly. When you sing, I can feel it. I guess you got to go inside yourself to wherever the singing comes from, and write from there.

Rachel:
[sits next to Finn] Have you even ever tried to write a song?

Quinn:
[voiceover while watching Rachel and Finn] Sometimes I worry about Finn. I mean, how damaged does a guy have to be, to be into some as annoying as Rachel? Still, he is a good guy and I do really like him. And he's my first love and first loves are forever. And another thing, without him I'm never going to get one of these. I know what you're thinking. "Prom queen? You're smart and super pretty and relatively sane for a girl. Does being prom queen really matter to you?" Well, it does. Prom queens live, on average, five years longer than regular people. It's probably because they smile all the time. And smiling has been proven to ward off diseases. But I can't do it without Finn. He's a shoo-in for prom king, and after winning the big game, he'll help me land crucial swing votes. Amazingly, the only person standing in my way is her and her damn talent. If I'm going to guarantee he doesn't stray with her, I'm going to have to play it right. They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Well, Rachel Berry, you just got yourself a new best friend.

Blaine:
Warblers. Warblers. I'm merely suggesting that instead of wearing blue ties with red piping, we wear jackets with red ties and blue piping for the competition!

Sue:
You took away my Cheerios. Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.

[Flashback ends]

Mercedes:
So what are we going to do now?

Rachel:
I think we should write original songs for Regionals.

Santana:
All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?

[Everyone raises their hands except Quinn, Finn and Puck.]

Quinn:
No I think Rachel's right.

Brittany:
Hey.

Santana:
[looks at Brittany then back to her locker]

Brittany:
Can I ask you a question? We use to be really close and I really miss being your friend.

Santana:
Still waiting for the question.

Brittany:
Did I do something wrong?

Santana:
No. Look, I don't know. Did you? All I know is you blew me off to be with Stubbles McCripplePants. That's fine. It's your loss. 'Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're going to sing at Regionals.

Brittany:
Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.

Santana:
I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Could you stop staring at me? I can't remember my locker combo.

Sue:
Well well. If it isn't Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Fake Boobs.

Brittany:
You know you can't talk to us like that. You're not our cheer coach anymore.

Sue:
I'm not anybody's cheerleading coach anymore.

Santana:
This is a song I wrote for Sam. It's called "Trouty Mouth".

Sam:
[frowns] Wait, what's it called?

Mike:
Trouty Mouth.

Sam:
[stops Santana from singing] Okay, could we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes.

Santana:
Sit down. I'm not finished.

Sam:
Yes you are! Mr. Schue, we are not doing a song at Regionals called Trouty Mouth.

Puck:
It's called "Big Ass...Heart".

Quinn:
Even if we win that or even Nationals that isn't gonna put us back where we belong.

Finn:
Which is where?

Quinn:
On top!

Finn:
On top of what?

Quinn:
Do you want to be in this relationship or not?

Finn:
Whoa, scary Quinn. Okay, uh...after Regionals.

Quinn:
[smiles] After Regionals.

Mercedes:
But my butt, Mr. Schue. That song was amazing.

Santana:
Mr. Schue, I wrote another verse of Trouty Mouth. (Sam holding up the sign: hell no)

Will:
Think of your favorite song of all time.

Brittany:
My Headband.

Mercedes:
Well she literally throws sticks at me.

[Flashback]

Mercedes:
[at her locker when sticks start getting thrown at her] What are you doing?

Sue:
[throwing sticks] Throwing sticks at your head. I'm going to crush you at Regionals.

[Flashback ends]

Will:
Okay what else?

Tina:
She called the Ohio Secretary of State saying she was me and that I wanted to legally change my name to Tina Cohen-Loser.

Will:
She. [sighs and writes "Loser" on the board] Okay, and how does that make you feel?

Finn:
Well, at first it hurts but then it mostly makes you want to win.

Will:
Guys, I think you may have just found your song. [writes "Like Me" on the board and circles "Loser Like Me"] Now let's get to writing.

Quinn:
[playing on the piano then stops when she sees Rachel] You're late.

Rachel:
We're friends, right?

Quinn:
Yeah, I guess so.

Rachel:
I mean with everything that happened last year? You gave your baby to my mom. We kind of bonded over that.

Quinn:
What's your point?

Rachel:
My point is I know we haven't spent a lot of time together this year, but I thought we were close enough that we could be honest with each other.

Quinn:
Go ahead, ask me.

Rachel:
Fine. Are you and Finn together?

Quinn:
Yes. It's been a couple of weeks. It's like Groundhog's Day with you, Rachel. How many times do you have to make the same mistake to realize it's not going to work out?

Rachel:
Well, thank you for being honest with me, Quinn, and I'm happy for you and Finn, but don't go and try to rewrite history. It was real between us. He chose me over you.

Quinn:
And how long did that last for?

Rachel:
Why are you being so mean?

Quinn:
[walks towards Rachel] Do you want to know how the story plays out? I get Finn, you get heartbroken, and then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent and Finn will take over Kurt's dad's tire shop. [voice starts breaking] You don't belong here, Rachel. And you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way.

Rachel:
I'm not giving up on Finn. It's not over between us.

Quinn:
YES IT IS! You're so frustrating! And that is why you can't write a good song, because you live in this little school girl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, you are never going to get it right. So we're done with that and why don't we just return to our work?

Kurt:
Has anyone literally died on stage?

Blaine:
[looks over] Are you nervous?

Kurt:
Please don't judge me. This is the first time I've had a solo in front of a competition audience. I have this nightmare that I'm going to forget the lyrics or I'm going to sing and nothing is gonna come out. [looks over at Blaine] Okay, you can judge me.

Blaine:
I think it's adorable. I think you're adorable. And- and the only people who're going to dying tonight are the people in that audience because you and I are going to kill this thing. Come on, let's go.

Finn:
Hey, break a leg.

Rachel:
Last time we were here you told me you loved me.

Finn:
I really like your song.

Rachel:
Listen carefully because, I mean every word of it.

Kurt:
Why did you pick me to sing that song with?

Blaine:
: [nervously] Kurt, there’s a moment you say, "Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever." [places hand on Kurt's] Watching you do Blackbird this week, that was that moment for me... About you. [pause] You move me Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you. [leans in and kisses Kurt, then sheepishly] We should... We should practice.

Kurt:
[smiles] I thought we were. [kiss again]

Kurt:
Yeah, I just really, really wanted to win.

Blaine:
: You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?

[both walk off hand in hand]

Brittany:
I love saltwater.

Santana:
Wait, do you honestly think that we can sell twenty thousand pieces of anythings? I mean we won Regionals for the first time since dinosaurs ruling the planet and I still got a freakin' cherry icy facial.

Sam:
Why didn't you tell us?

Mike, Tina, Artie and Brittany:
We did.

Sandy:
You're hunky and I'm what they call predatory gay.

Sue:
How do you manage to enter a building without setting off all of the fire alarms?

Rachel:
[to Sunshine] You're a terrible spy.

Artie:
Seriously, with your size, you could easily sit in the air ducts for days.

Sunshine:
I'm not a spy. I heard about your benefit concert on Facebook and I wanted to perform. I know what it feels like to be an academic decathlon. No one pays attention to you. No one cares. It's not right. We studied so hard.

Quinn:
Yeah but you're with Vocal Adrenaline. How do we know we can trust you?

Sunshine:
Because I have nothing against all of you. I have 600 Twitter followers. I can get them all to come.

Finn:
How many tickets have we sold so far?

Puck:
Four. No one's interested. It's sad.

Sunshine:
Please, just let me show you what I can do. I would like to sing the perfect song of neglect, All By Myself. I'm such a better singer than everyone else so I know how it feels. I'm all alone at the top. Also, I'm really short, so even when I'm in a group of people I feel like I'm wandering alone in a forest.

Rachel:
There's no way she's singing in our auditorium, okay? She's the enemy.

Puck:
I say we give her chance. I mean, you owe her Rachel. You sent her to a freakin' crackhouse.

Rachel:
[sighs exasperatedly]

Lauren:
You're always singing about R.E.S.P.E.C.T. but respect isn't something you can ask for, you have to demand it.

Rachel:
Are you saying you want to be carried in in a giant egg?

Lauren:
[whispers to Mercedes and Mercedes smiles] We'll get back to you.

Santana:
The truth about what?

Karofsky:
None of your business, J Lo.

Santana:
First of all, anything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushie up in my grill.

Karofsky:
I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl.

Santana:
Ha. See here's whats gonna go down. Two choices: You stay here and I crack one of your nuts—right or left, that's your choice. Or you walk away and live to be a douchebag another day. Oh, and also, I have razor blades hidden in my hair. [gestures to her hair] Yeah, just all up in here.

Karofsky:
[reluctantly walks away]

Blaine:
We could have handled that.

Santana:
It was more fun doing it together.

Finn:
What's that saying? The show's gotta go all over the place or something.

Rachel:
You mean the show's got to go on.

Jacob:
Technology allows us to be brutally cruel without suffering any consequences.

Sandy:
You just got poked. Poked by the Pink Dagger.

Mercedes:
I just don't get it, why are you a bigger star than me?

Santana:
Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into eye de-slanting.

Tina:
That's extraordinarily racist.

Santana:
Just keeping it real.

Tina:
Sorry Santana, I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing.

Mike:
Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? [whispers] Self hating Asian.

Tina:
Not too many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to mirror what I see in magazines.

Finn:
My dancing kind of bothers me. It almost killed Rachel but I like the way I look.

Santana:
Oh please. You have weird puffy pyramid nipples.

Sam:
[tries to look at Finn's nipples]

Finn:
[slaps Sam's hand away]

Santana:
They look like they're filled with custard. Or you could dust them off with powdered sugar and pass it off as some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.

Mercedes:
At this school the thing that makes you different is the thing that people use to crush your spirit.

Santana:
I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing. I have awesome gay-dar.

Santana:
I gotta gay--go. Go-- I gotta go.

Emma:
I was born this way. Hooray. Hooray! Hooray!

Quinn:
[hanging up posters]

Lauren:
[watching Quinn] There's our future queen, a size two teenage dream.

Puck:
You know what? We're going to change that.

Lauren:
How?

Puck:
Baby, you're gonna get that crown. And I'm gonna be your king.

[At the doctor's office]

Rachel:
Thanks for doing this.

Quinn:
I'm surprised more girls haven't asked me. My nose looks awesome. I can totally count on your vote right?

Rachel:
Yeah. Tot...totally.

Quinn:
[goes back to reading her magazine]

Rachel:
So, what's it like? [Quinn turns to Rachel] Looking like you look.

Quinn:
I pretty much have a warped sense of the world. Being a hot seventeen year old you can get away with or do pretty much anything you want so I kind of always assumed that people were nice and accommodating.

Lauren:
Who you are inside and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world? They're two different people.

Karofsky:
I knew you'd ask me out eventually. I'm kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.

Santana:
Oh, give it up. I know.

Karofsky:
Know what?

Santana:
That you're gay.

Karofsky:
What? Who told you that?

Santana:
No one had to tell me. First of all, I saw you checking out Sam's ass the other day. You really need to be more careful with your leering.

Karofsky:
I didn't. I was just checking out what kind of jeans he was wearing.

Santana:
Like that's any less gay.

Santana:
Look, I'm not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top yet, either. Maybe in junior college

Santana:
The only straight I am is a straight up bitch.

Rachel:
It's less Hebraic and more Fabray-ic.

Tina:
When you get a nose-job, when you change your eyes, when you bleach your freckles, you’re just announcing to the world that ‘I don’t like myself very much.’ The dramas of this week have made me realize that if I don’t have many Asian sex symbols to look up to, I have an obligation to become one myself. My new mantra is: Be the change you want to see in the world.

Karofsky:
All I can say is that Santana has really helped me to see the light. She showed me all these stories on-line about kids jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves because they were being bullied so bad. I couldn't believe someone could make another person feel that awful. But she helped me accept that I was one of those bad people, and I don't want to be any more.

Kurt:
A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay if you are going to be gay, you simply must know who that is.

Kurt:
I don't believe in denying who you are, but I don't believe in outing either.

Mercedes:
Well guys, [looks at her watch] it's noon. Which means, it's official.

Sam:
What's official?

Kurt:
My transfer! Kurt Hummel is back at McKinley!

Kurt:
[to Blaine] I'll never say goodbye to you.

Puck:
You won't listen to me, You won't listen to Finn

Kurt:
But she will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks Puck, I'll take it from here, but only I can lead this Barbra-vention.

Rachel:
Is she here?

Kurt:
Of course not, this is a mall in Ohio.

Quinn:
That’s me. My middle name is Quinn, I stopped going by Lucy because kids made up a mean nickname, Lucy Caboosey. I hated the way I looked. I had zits, I was chubby. I felt terrible about myself. I didn’t have friends. Nobody would talk to me. I was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog because nobody would be my lab partner. And then I joined ballet, lost a little bit of weight, found out I was athletic and joined gymnastics and cheer-leading, went on proactive for my acne, and when my dad got transferred he got a raise, and I asked him if I could get a nose job, and he said yes, and I asked them to call me Quinn. I love myself, and that's why I did all those things. I’ve been that girl, and I’m never going back. I was a miserable little girl. And now I’m gonna be prom queen.

Quinn:
I respect you. I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I own it and you just do it.

Lauren:
I have to admit. I have considered going blonde.

Santana:
Legend has it, right after I was born, I told the nurse she was fat.

Brittany:
Because you're Lebanese and I'm bi-curious?

Brittany:
I do love you. Clearly you don't love you, as much as I do, otherwise you'd put that shirt on and dance with me.

Rachel:
Hey.

Sam:
Why are you talking to me?

Rachel:
Can't I say hello?

Sam:
I guess, it's just, Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you would try to steal all of my gold.

Sam:
Hey, you got a lot of nerve accusing me of cheating when you're the one who snuck in and stole my girl!

Artie:
God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?

Brittany:
[shocked and begins to cry] You were the only person in school who didn't call me that.

Brittany:
I'm so sad, like a sad little panda.

Santana:
My private feelings.

Brittany:
[looks at Brad the pianist] What about him?

Santana:
He's just furniture. [to Brad] Sorry, no offense.

Kurt:
[to Rachel] Oh, how I've missed your insanity.

Kurt:
They weren't speaking to each other. Not even pass the non-dairy creamer.

Brittany:
[to Lord Tubington] Just because we're doing this interview together doesn't I'm not still mad at you. I know you started smoking again.

Lauren:
It's not like I'm getting married.

Quinn:
Oh, you can get married as many times as you want, you only get one shot at your junior prom.

Brittany:
I'm just going to dance. And then all your dates are going to ignore you and come dance with me. So, your dates are really my dates.

Lauren:
I look like a lemon meringue pie.

Brittany:
I think you look delicious.

Kurt:
I have no criticisms. Go with God, Satan-- Santana.

Rachel:
When I'm done rehearsing, I'd like your feedback. Tell me if I was brilliant or simply outstanding.

Jesse:
It's good to see you again, Rachel.

Rachel:
Jesse... what are you doing here?

Jesse:
I mean, how I was supposed to know that I was actually supposed to show to those other classes in school? I was majoring in show choir. I just assumed it would be like in Carmel and the school would get some Asian kid to take Math, English and scientific for me.

Rachel:
That's awful.

Jesse:
I came back to see you, Rachel. What I did to you... It's my one great regret.

Rachel:
Yeah... It was kinda weird. One day you're telling me you loved me, and you were inexplicably throwing eggs at my head the next.

Jesse:
I know, I know. I traded love for a fourth consecutive National championship. It was a bum deal. For a first maybe but for a fourth, no way. I've come to make amends. So... What are you doing for prom?

Rachel:
All I ask is that whomever I choose, that you be as supportive of him as I've been of you and Quinn even though I'm dying everyday inside.

Puck:
So are you in? My ass-istant bad ass?

Santana:
Teen gay, you may now proceed to the next checkpoint without fear of violence.

Mercedes:
[While listening to Artie sing "Isn't she lovely" to Brittany] I thought this song was about a baby.

Artie:
[Singing] Isn't she pretty? [Sam, Puck, Finn and Mike enter playing guitars and drums]

Brittany:
Ooooh My God!!

Finn:
Dude, that rocks! It's, like, gay Braveheart.

Jesse:
They say that the best time to start any business is during a recession. I don't know why or even what a recession is, but it's my understanding that we're in one.

Rachel:
He's so smart, I can't believe he flunked out of college.

Finn:
Hey, Jesse. What'd you order, scrambled eggs? I mean, I know you usually like them served on people's heads.

Jesse:
Quinn, you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night. I'd be more than happy to cut in.

Kurt:
Isn't it great that prom is so inclusive this year?

Blaine:
Someone for everyone.

Kurt:
[looks at Karofsky and Santana] Even if it's a lie.

Finn:
[pushes Jesse off Rachel] Hey! Dude, keep it PG.

Jesse:
Dude, it's none of YB, your business.

Finn:
Well this is my school so it is my business.

Jesse:
Well, this isn't your girlfriend so beat it, MJ.

[They push each other. Quinn and Rachel try to stop them, Finn punches Jesse]

Kurt:
So they did by secret ballot! I'm one big anonymous practical joke.

Rachel:
[goes after Quinn] Quinn, you need to calm down.

Quinn:
This is your fault! Nobody would vote for me because they knew he would rather be with you.

Rachel:
That's not true.

Quinn:
[slaps Rachel across the cheek]

Rachel:
[gasps and touches her cheek]

Quinn:
[whispers] I'm so sorry.

Santana:
[crying] How could my running mate win and I didn't? I mean, just because I hate everyone doesn't mean they have to hate me too.

Brittany:
It's just a stupid crown. You can buy it at the Party Store.

Santana:
Can't I just have one night when I'm queen?

Kurt; I'm not going back in there.

Santana:
Where I'm accepted?

Kurt':
No way.

Quinn:
There's no way I'm staying here. I'm going to transfer.

Santana:
As soon as we get to New York I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony, or Tribeca.

Kurt:
(to Blaine) I'm going to show them that it doesn't matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back, they can't touch me. They can't touch us or what we have.

Rachel:
[checking her cheek] Most girls would be upset about getting slapped in the face, but…I happen to appreciate the drama of it. [gets a paper towel]

Quinn:
[leans against the sink] I know you think it's hard to be you, Rachel, but at least you don't have to be terrified all of the time.

Rachel:
What are you so scared of? [offers a paper towel to Quinn]

Quinn:
[takes the paper towel] The future. When all this is gone.

Rachel:
Look, you have nothing to be scared of. You're a very pretty girl, Quinn. You're the prettiest girl I've met Quinn but...you're a lot more than that.

Santana:
They must have sensed I was a lesbian. They must have. Do I smell like a golf course?

Sue:
You are seriously no fun to interrogate or almost torture.

Kurt:
Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton.

[Dave has just dropped Kurt off for french, they pause outside the class room]

Kurt:
Have you noticed no-one has said boo to me this week?

Dave:
(smiles) That's cause Bully-whips are protecting you.

Kurt:
Maybe. But maybe no-one has been harassing me because nobody cares.

Dave:
Your dreaming

Kurt:
Okay. I'm saying that everyone in the school is ready to embrace the gay. But maybe as least they have evolved enough to be different.

[pauses and looks at Dave]

Kurt:
I see how miserable you are Dave. I could just hate you when you were bullying me but now all i see is your pain. (whispers) And you don't have to torture yourself this.

[Dave sniffs, upset]

Kurt:
I'm not saying you should come out tomorrow but maybe soon the moment will arise when you can.

[the bell rings]

Kurt:
(noticing Dave starting to cry) What's wrong?

Dave:
I'm so freaking sorry, Kurt. I'm just so sorry for what i did to you.

Kurt:
I know. I know.

Dave:
(noticing a girl walking by) Cool. Thanks. Remember... you wait for me here, alright?

Finn:
How do we know he's not gonna trick us into doing something stupid so his alma mater wins?

Jesse:
I don't think I need to do much tricking to make you do something stupid, Finn.

Finn:
Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at regionals with "Faithfully".

Quinn:
Yeah, killed us. We lost.

Jesse:
Finn, I think it's the best if you sit this one out. Fact is that most the other guys here are better singers and Mike Chang, who can't even sing, can at least dance. You kind of sing and dance like a zombie who has to poop.

Sue:
[to Terri Schuester] Honey Badger , I am lactating with rage!

Howard:
Do I get a super villain nickname?

Sue:
Your nickname is Panda Express.

Howard:
But I'm not Chinese.

Sue:
Neither is the food at Panda Express.

Emma:
Wow Will, that's a lot of vests.

Jesse:
I took a class at UCLA in judging for reality-TV shows, so I'm totally ready to give feedback that's both blistering and unhelpful.

Jesse:
I was writing notes about how you didn't have enough emotion in the song.

Santana:
Oh, is that so? Well I happen to have some feedback for you!

Will:
Thank you, Santana.

Santana:
I'm about to go all Lima Heights on you.

Jesse:
You do know that song was meant to be sung by a woman, right?

Kurt:
Yes, I'm aware.

Jesse:
Usually at this point, the reality show would go to commercial and we would take a five minute break to regroup and get touch ups done on our make-up so I'm going to hit the little boys room. [puts a hand on Mr. Schuester's shoulder] You're doing a great job, though. I really think you should comment more. Don't be shy!

[In the choir room]

Kurt:
Jesse St. James totally Jesse St. Sucks.

Mercedes:
No need to warm up, Rachel. I'm about to go wrap this thing up like a Christmas present.

Mercedes:
Not too lazy to come up there and let you taste my fist!

Jesse:
Rachel, in your head, are you singing to anyone in particular?

Rachel:
Not really.

Jesse:
[looks disappointed] Oh.

Kurt:
[after Rachel finishes singing] She may be difficult but, boy, can she sing. [stands up and claps] BRAVO! [Santana pushes him to sit back down]

Sue:
"I miss my sister. Every night at 10 or so, she used to call me on the phone, and when I asked her why...she'd tell me her body told her...she wanted to hear my voice." [begins to cry]

Will:
[gets up and takes Sue's paper] Here, I'll read it. [begins to read] "I miss my sister. The smell of her shampoo. The way she could always convince me to read her another book. When you love some like I loved her they’re a part of you it’s like you’re attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them and now every time I reach for that tether I know there’s no one on the other end and I feel like I’m falling into nothingness and then I remember Jean. I remember a life lead with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets and I’m inspired to get up out of bed and go on. I miss my sister so much it feels like piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Just ten more seconds— is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can’t and I won’t and the only thing keeping me from being swallowed whole by sadness is that Jean would kill me if I did. So for now I’m just going to miss her. I love you, Jeannie. Rest in peace.”

[The glee club begins to get up and perform.]

Finn:
This was Jean's favorite song.

Sam:
[turns on a television]

[Music begins to play.]

Tina:
Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.

Finn:
[Crying] Don't you feel anything anymore? This is real. This is happening.

Quinn:
[Tear rolls down her cheek] Are you happy now? Is this me feeling enough for you?

Finn:
I-I'm sorry, I still love yo-

Quinn:
Just don't touch me!

Jesse:
That's sweet. You remember the masculine click of my designer boots

Jesse:
Do you want to know what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a number? They use them as a prop. Like Weekend at Bernie's.

Rachel:
How do you get that raspiness?

Santana:
So nice. I smoke cigars.

Rachel:
I made it.

[The New Directions are eating on the Red Stairs.]

Kurt:
A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of six misfits stumbling their way through a horrific rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat". Now, here we are at the top of the show choir heap. Nationals!

Tina:
I wanna hit up Central Park, get my frolic on!

Puck:
I wanna throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Finn:
Guys hold on, I mean, we still have two songs to write.

Kurt:
Okay, Mr Bossypants. But I think we have some time for a tune before we leave. [begins to sing] Start spreading the news. [everyone begins to join in] I'm leaving today. I wanna be a part of it. New York, New York!

Rachel:
Guys, I have news. To celebrate our impending win at Nationals, I got us all thirteen tickets to Broadway's longest running show ever; Cats!

[Everyone begins to cheer.]

Quinn:
You might want to check the dates on those, Rachel, 'cause Cats closed about eleven years ago.

Rachel:
He did seem crazy. He charged my credit card through his butt crack.

Mercedes:
Did you know New York City was built on top of Old York City?

Tina:
I'm pretty sure that's not true.

Mercedes:
Oh. I'm just pretty.

Finn:
Hey.

Rachel:
Hi! I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.

Finn:
I guess she just accepted the inevitable.

Rachel:
Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York! I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?

Finn:
Nope. So, what's going on with you and Jesse?

Rachel:
I don't know, he keeps texting me but I told him that I don't want to talk to him until I get back; no boys or distractions until we win that trophy. [leaves]

Will:
Hey Finn, where the hell's Puckerman?

Finn:
Umm...[glances at Puck and Lauren]

Puck:
I'll have a Manhattan.

Bartender:
Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?

Puck:
Yeah me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.

Kurt:
Did you know I could get ahi tartare and a steak sandwich at 3 in the morning from their all-night dining menu? I feel like Eloise.

Brittany:
I have pills for that.

Will:
Now, you are all on lockdown until you finish writing our songs for Nationals. I want at least two solid verses by the time I get back.

Tina:
Aren't you going to help us?

Will:
I um, I will be back and read your amazing creations and give notes, but right now I have to head to the theatre to fill out some paper work.

[After Brittany finishes singing My Cup.]

'Tina:
Hold on, are you singing about...a cup?

Brittany:
Yeah, totally.

Quinn:
[grabs her jacket] We gotta get out of here.

Rachel:
Wait, no, no, no. Mr. Schue gave us explicit instructions.

Quinn:
To write a song and our problem is our only inspiration are mattresses and bathroom cups.

Puck:
Quinn's right. We're in the artist capital of the world. Poets, musicians, actors, playwrights. Every dreamer that's lived has passed through this city. And if we want our dreams to come true, we need to be there out with them, not stuck in here.

Finn:
Guys, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, we've still got those songs to write and if we don't write them then we're gonna lose.

Lauren:
No, they're right! Can't you hear the city calling to you?

Quinn:
We don't need to write songs for Nationals. New York's going to write them for us.

Puck:
OK, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out dude!

Finn:
Who? Rachel? But she's totally into Jesse right now.

Puck:
You're in New York, the city of love.

Sam:
[mouth full of food] I thought that was Paris.

Puck:
Anything's possible here, and you're going to ask her out tonight. Take her out on one of those big dates you see on unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.

Sam:
This is your shot, dude. If I was in a love with a girl, and I wasn't homeless, I'd totally go for it.

Finn:
Hi.

Rachel:
Hi. What's so important?

Finn:
Uh... [gives the flowers he's holding to Rachel] These are for you. I thought since we're both captains and all that we should write a duet for Nationals.

Rachel:
The tie, flowers, Central Park?

Finn:
It's uh... a work date. Totally professional.

Finn:
I like the way you dream so big, I don't know how to do that. You look so pretty tonight. Rachel, I have something to say to you.

Rachel:
Oh my God. It's Patti LuPone!

Rachel:
Excuse me? Um, miss LuPone? I have to say that you're my idol.

Patti LuPone:
Well thank you, that's very sweet of you. Are you an actress?

Rachel:
Yes-- well, i'm... i'm in high school.

Finn:
We're in town for the national showchoir championship.

Patti LuPone:
I was in choir in high school! It was my favorite class! What's your name?

Rachel:
Rachel Berry.

Patti LuPone:
Well Rachel Berry, promise me one thing: you'll never give up.

Rachel:
Yes, miss LuPone, I promise.

Patti LuPone:
[shakes Rachel's hand] Good luck. [shakes Finn's hand] Good luck.

Finn:
Thank you.

Patti LuPone:
[to Rachel, whispering] He's cute.

Rachel:
Being in New York is like falling in love, over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to serenade us to make it perfect.

[Artie, Sam, Puck and Mike begin to sing Bella Notte.]

Finn:
Wait, this is the moment in those romantic comedies where I kiss you.

Kurt:
[to Rachel] We have to go in. Strike that. We have to break in.

Santana:
[groans and knocks on the bathroom door] Quinn, quit hogging the bathroom! I needs to re-pencil my eyebrows on. [turns to Brittany] I mean, doesn't she-

Quinn:
[opens the door and walks out] It's all yours.

Santana:
Everyone's already in the other room working.

Quinn:
Oh yeah? Is Mr. Schue in there? Because I think I'm going to tell him that Rachel and Kurt keep sneaking off together.

Brittany:
You can't do that. He'll have to suspend them.

Quinn:
And there goes our chances at nationals. Darn!

Santana:
You know what? We get it. You're pissed about Finn dumping your sweet ass. Get over it.

Quinn:
I don't want to get over it! Okay?

Santana:
The only person that you're sabotaging is yourself.

Quinn:
I DON'T CARE ABOUT SOME STUPID SHOW CHOIR COMPETITION!

Santana:
Well you should because this is the one chance that we have to actually feel good about ourselves!

Quinn:
[begins to cry] Aren't we suppose to be the popular girls? So why can't we have our dreams come true? Rachel has Finn, Tina has Mike, and even Lauren's hooked up. [sits on a bed and Santana and Brittany sit next to her] I just wanted for somebody to love me.

Santana:
I think I know how to make you feel better.

Quinn:
I'm flattered Santana, but I'm really not that into that.

Santana:
No, no I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a haircut.

Brittany:
Yes, totally.

Will:
I love my kids.

Dustin:
What? No you don't. They're hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours look like they haven't been baked properly.

Rachel:
Santana? [sees Sunshine coming out of the stall] Oh! Shoving your fingers down your throat like the rest of your brainwashed Vocal Adrenaline brothers & sisters?

Sunshine:
I'm not throwing up on purpose. I'm so nervous i can't keep any food down. I used to love singing. It was the only thing that relaxed me. Now I hate it.

Rachel:
Do you think I'm an idiot?

Sunshine:
No! I think you're kinda mean but I don't think you're stupid.

Rachel:
I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me feel bad for you so that I don't try as hard to crush you on the stage.

Sunshine:
What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much? When I came to your school, I heard that the Glee club was where kids went when no one else would take them, a safe place, for some reasons, you made me the only one who wasn't safe there. [begins to leave]

Rachel:
Where are you going?

Sunshine:
To the Philippine Embassy. I'm going to beg them to revoke my visa and deport me back home. That's the only way I'm gonna be able to escape Vocal Adrenaline.

Rachel:
Jus... wai.. wait. It's because you're good. That's why I hated you, that's why I've sent you to that crack house. I'm sorry. But you have to go out there and sing. You have a gift! Something that Dustin Goolsby would kill for.

Sunshine:
I can't. I'm gonna barf all over the stage.

Rachel:
If you feel like you're gonna throw up, just look at me and I'll help you through it

Sunshine:
Why? Don't you wanna win?

Rachel:
Girls like us have to stick together. I'm hugging you now. [hugs Sunshine]

Jesse:
I couldn't stay away.

Will:
From the show, or her?

Jesse:
Was that scripted?

Will:
No.

Rachel:
I think we were good.

Finn:
Good? We were amazing!

Rachel:
The kiss was... interesting.

Finn:
Yeah, I'm calling it the kiss of the century-

Jesse:
You're wrong, Finn. That kiss was unprofessional. It was too personal and intense. The judges won't like it. They'll consider it common and vulgar and will cost you nationals. Hi Rachel, you look amazing and you sounded great. You just shouldn't have kissed him.

Rachel:
Why are you here Jesse?

Jesse:
For you.

Finn:
Dude, back off; you're just jealous. Jealous of what we have, and what we shared with the entire audience because it was shared between two people who love each other. It was the Superman of kisses! It came with its own cape, right Rachel?

Will:
I'm sorry you guys. We aren't in the top ten.

Kurt:
We all just looked at the top ten list for showcase and we all just went numb. And then Jesse just kept going on and on about how Rachel and Finn's kiss was what cost us nationals.

Blaine:
While I do understand passion I do think that was unprofessional. Sorry keep going.

Kurt:
And then we get back to the hotel, and Santana loses her head.

[Flashback]

Santana:
[angrily yelling at Rachel and being held back] Escucha! Soy de Lima Heights Adjacents y yo tengo orgullo!. Sabes lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacents? Cosas Malas! (English translation: I'm from Lima Heights Adjacent and I'm proud! Do you know what goes down in Lima Heights Adjacent? Bad things!)

[Flashback ends]

Kurt:
I mean, on the plane ride home it was completely silent, like no one said a word. We just sat there with our faces buried in our complimentary issues of SkyMall.

Blaine:
Wait a second...I don't get it. You don't seem that sad at all.

Kurt:
It was still amazing. I mean, I flew in a plane for the first time in my life, I had breakfast at Tiffany's, I sung on a Broadway stage.

Blaine:
I love you.

Kurt:
[silent for a few seconds] I love you too. You know when you stop to think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year.

Kurt:
Whereas I'm spending my summer composing Pip Pip Hooray, the Broadway musical about Pippa Middleton.

Sam:
I have no idea who that is but it sounds totally awesome.

Brittany:
[walks up to Santana] Hey, you still pissed?

Santana:
[holds up a voodoo doll] Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Rachel Berry to actually work?

Brittany:
Come on, we can't be mad at Rachel forever.

Santana:
Uh, yes we can. How could you possibly be so calm?

Brittany:
I hated losing just as much as everyone but this year wasn't about winning for me.

Santana:
Clearly, cause we got our asses kicked.

Brittany:
Yeah.

Santana:
Sorry. What was it about?

Brittany:
Acceptance. I know that all the kids in the glee club they fight and steal each others boyfriends and girlfriends and they threaten to quit like every other week. But weird stuff like that happens in families.

Santana:
Yeah, well this a club. This not a family.

Brittany:
OK well, family is a place where everybody loves you no matter what. And they accept you for who you are. I know I'm going to be a bridesmaid at Mike and Tina's wedding. And I'm going to be anxiously waiting just like everybody else to see if their babies are Asian too. When they find an operation to make Artie's legs work again, I'm going to be there for his first steps. I love them, I love everyone in glee club and I get to spend another year with the people I love. So, I'm good.

Santana:
What about you and I?

Brittany:
I love you Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that because of that, I think anything's possible.

[Santana smiles and hugs Brittany.]

Santana:
You're my best friend.

Brittany:
Yeah, me too.

[They stop hugging and join their pinkies.]

Santana:
When did you get so smart?

Rachel:
Where have you been?

Finn:
Hiding out. Everyone hates me.

Rachel:
No, they don't. And that doesn't explain why you haven't said a word to me since we've been back.

Finn:
You should be more pissed at me than anyone else. I screwed up. I'm humiliated! And we worked so hard for everything and I was supposed to be this big-shot leader holding everyone together and…I blew it. Cost us the championship.

Rachel:
Look, being an artist is about expressing your true feelings in the moment no matter what the consequences. What were you feeling in that moment?

Finn:
That I loved you. And I would've done or given anything to kiss you one more time.

Rachel:
So you did. You know, you gave it all up for one kiss… Was is worth it?

Finn:
Yeah. What about you? Was it worth it for you?

Rachel:
Yeah. Because in my heart, I know we'll have another shot at nationals. You have to know that I'm leaving, Finn. I'm going to New York and I'm never coming back.

Finn:
Graduation's a year away. You got any plans 'til then? [kisses Rachel]

Rachel:
Okay, let's go. [gets up]

Finn:
[confused] Where are we going?

Rachel:
Final glee club meeting of the year!