Gravity Falls, Season 1

Mabel:
[whispering] He's looking at it, he's looking at it!

A boy:
[reading from a letter] Uhh, do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely?

Mabel:
[whispering] I rigged it!

Mabel:
Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me! [turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]

Dipper:
Wha!?

Mabel:
Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. [in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman] That was fun.

Grunkle Stan:
And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face.

Crowd member:
Does it look like a rock?

Grunkle Stan:
No, it looks like a face.

Another crowd member:
Is it a face?

Grunkle Stan:
It's a rock that looks like a face!

[Dipper pokes in through the crowd]

Dipper:
Over here! Grunkle Stan?

Grunkle Stan:
For the fifth time, it's not an actual face!

Dipper:
Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!

Gnome:
Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just marrying all 1,000 of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey?

Mabel:
You guys are butt-faces!

Dipper:
Grunkle Stan, are you wearing a blindfold too?

Grunkle Stan:
Naw, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? [drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]

[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]

Beaver 1:
[subtitled] I love cavorting!

Beaver 2:
[subtitled] That deserves a hug! [The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides right off]

Dipper:
But, w-what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise.

[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]

Soos:
Sweet! Beaver with a chainsaw!

Dipper:
Maybe that old guy was crazy after all...

Mabel:
He did use the word "scrapdoodle"...

[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat. The man pulls out an engagement ring.]

Man:
Brenda, now that we're alone, there's a question that my heart longs to ask you.

Woman:
Oh, Reginald!

[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]

Hey, wanna hear a joke? Okay, here goes. My ex-wife still misses me.. but her aim is getting better! (Awkward silence) Her aim is getting better! Ya See, it's funny, 'cause marriage is horrible.

Mabel and Biker:
Two, three, four...

Mabel:
Your wife is going to be beautiful!

Dipper:
Mabel! We've got a big break in the case!

Mabel:
Break in the case!

Biker:
But will she love me!?

Stan:
For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible Sack of Mystery. When you put your money in it, it mysteriously disappears!

Various tourists:
[putting money in the bag] Oh yeah! That makes perfect sense! That was totally worth the drive!

Mabel:
Hey Dipper. What's going on?

Dipper:
Whoa, where have you been? And what's with those fingernails? You look like a wolverine.

Mabel:
I know, right? Rawr! I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man!

Dipper:
Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head.

Mabel:
Oh, leave him alone! You never wanna do girly stuff with me! You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time.

Dipper:
What do you mean?

Soos:
Hey dude! Ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave one by one?

Dipper:
Am I!

[Off screen]

Soos:
Yeah!

Dipper:
One at a time! One at a time!

[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]

Bud Gleeful:
Well, well! Stanford Pines! What brings you here?

Stan:
Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon.

Bud Gleeful:
Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee!

Stan:
I don't think...

Bud Gleeful:
(cutting him off) Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Columbia!

Stan:
Wow. I went to jail there once!

Dipper:
What the heck happened on that date?

Mabel:
I don't know. I was in the friend zone, and then he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chummity quicksand!

Dipper:
Mabel, come on, it's not like you gonna have to marry Gideon.

Stan:
Good news, Mabel! You have to marry Gideon!

Mabel:
What?!

[Stan walks in wearing a tee shirt that says 'Team Gideon']

Stan:
It's all part of my long term deal with Bud Gleeful. There's a lot of money tied up in this thing. Plus I got this free t-shirt! [Looks down] Ugh. I am fat.

[Mabel runs out screaming]

Stan:
Bodies change, honey! Bodies change.

Wendy:
And Robbie. You can probably figure him out.

Robbie:
Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower.

Dipper:
Oh, you mean The Big Muffin!

Robbie:
Uh, it's a giant explosion.

[Said tower is shown, with a red graffiti explosion resembling a muffin]

Lee:
It kinda does look like a muffin.

Wendy:
[to Dipper] ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip.

Mabel:
[feeling sick] Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think?

[Mabel hallucinates in a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]

Flavor Pup #1:
elknurg tsurt tnod! ("don't trust grunkle" backwards.)

Flavor Pup #2:
Would you like to eat my candy paws?

Mabel:
Of course, you little angel! [starts chewing on the paw]

Ma:
Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store!

Pa:
Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants! So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music.

Ma:
The lyrics...they were so hateful!

Rapper:
Homework's whack, and so are rules! Tucking in your shirts for fools!

TV Announcer:
You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel.

Grunkle Stan:
Kids! I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up!

TV Announcer:
Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire.

Grunkle Stan:
[terrified] Kids!! No! Noooo!!

Testosteraur:
Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH? I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!

Mabel:
No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Manington!

Dipper:
I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said.

Stan:
Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's...incident.

[Flashback:
Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]

Dipper:
Disco girl...comin' through...that girl is you! [Stan opens the bathroom door] DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN!

[End flashback]

Mabel:
[grinning] You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation BABBA?!

Dipper:
No, I wasn't-- It's not important!

Sheriff Blubbs:
Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery!

Deputy Derland:
Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles?

[Sheriff Blubbs' shirt is already off.]

Sheriff Blubbs:
Quit readin' my mind!

Lazy Susan:
(serving Stan and Mabel) Food!

Stan:
Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow.

Lazy Susan:
Ha! silly.. silly man..

Mabel:
What was that about?

Stan:
Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?

Mabel:
Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you, because nothing is stronger than the power of...

Stan:
Love?

Mabel:
...Mabel!

[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]

Multibear:
Child, why have you come here?

Dipper:
Multibear, I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads?

[Dipper is trying to make more clones of himself using the photocopier]

Tyrone:
Uh oh, paper jam! [takes the paper out and lays it on the ground.]

[A malformed Dipper clone emerges from the sheet and tackles Tyrone]

Dipper Clone #3:
C'mon, you're not gonna make me partner up with him, are you?

Tyrone:
Shh, don't be rude! [to Paper Jam Dipper] Hey, buddy, hey, it's okay. [Paper Jam Dipper attacks him again]

Dipper:
Okay, just one more clone."

[Dipper sees Wendy and he starts to talk.]

Dipper:
You know, people teased me because of my birthmark before I started hiding it all the time."

Wendy:
Birthmark?"

Dipper:
Did I say birthmark? Man, why did I say that?"

Wendy:
Show me! Show me!"

Wendy:
The Big Dipper! That's how you got your nickname! Ugh, I thought you're parents hated you or something."

(Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day)

Dipper:
Care to join us, Grunkle Stan?

Stan:
No thank you! Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me!

Dipper:
(In an old-timey accent) There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!

Mabel:
(Likewise) Well, hornswaggle my haversack!

(They spit on the ground and run off, laughing)

Stan:
Dead to me!!

(Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.)

Stan:
Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya?

Man:
Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box?

Stan:
C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack!

Man:
"Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression!

Stan:
I can't take it anymore. (grabbing the man by the collar) I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!

(Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Derland run over, batons drawn)

Blubbs:
Are we gonna have to intervene?

Stan:
Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?"

(Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks)

Stan:
Oh, come on!!

Dipper:
We're gonna have to break in.

Museum Lady:
And here are your balloons; blue and pink!

Dipper:
We're in.

Man on Film:
If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. (Someone speaks offscreen.) Really? No? Huh, that's a relief!

Quentin Trembly:
...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours! Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk.

Mabel:
Agreed!

Quentin Trembly:
Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision!

(Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.)

Quentin Trembly:
Very well. But who would you have replace me?

Baby:
Mama!

Quentin Trembly:
That old crone!?

Mabel:
He is such a jerk.

Dipper:
Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs.

Mabel:
Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- [screaming] OH MY GOSH, A PIG!

Dipper:
Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated.

Wendy:
Dude. You lost me.

Dipper:
[sighs] I know.

Rumble McSkirmish:
I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union!

Dipper:
Uh, that's gonna be tough. For a number of reasons.

Teenager:
[is handed keys to a new car] I love you, dad!

[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]

Teenager:
Oh, my car!

Father:
We'll just buy another one!

Teenager:
I love being rich...

Rumble McSkirmish:
Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby!

Dipper:
We need to just learn to hate each other in silence.

Robbie:
You mean, like...what girls do?

Rumble McSkirmish:
Dr. Karate! You killed my father again!

Dr. Karate:
Hnnnnggggghhh!

Rumble McSkirmish:
You will take that baaaaaack!

Rumble McSkirmish:
Did he kill your father?

Dipper:
Well, he's dating the girl I like, and he posts a really annoying amount of status updates.

Rumble McSkirmish:
And then he killed your father!

Rumble McSkirmish:
How could you laugh when you killed this boys father?

Robbie:
Wait, what?

Dipper:
I have a confession to make. Robbie...didn't kill my father.

Rumble McSkirmish:
What? Then who did?

Gideon:
Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen!

Mabel:
NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- [Stops talking and looks below] Gummy Koalas!!!! [is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]

Gideon:
[about Dipper and Mabel] I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I'll text you a photo!

Stan "Text me a photo"? Now you're not even speaking English!

Soos:
Waht's up, Gordy?

Gordy:
I'm Twamatized.

Soos:
What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus.

Mabel:
I'm so excited!

Dipper:
We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy...

Mabel:
And have the biggest stomach aches ever!

Dipper:
Yeah!

Stan:
No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work.

Mabel:
Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are.

Stan:
[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."] I'm giving none of this to charity!

Soos:
I've got a story. It's called, "Soos's Really Great Pinball Story!" (pause) Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?

[Cut to title card reading:
"SOOS'S REALLY GREAT PINBALL STORY! Is That A Good Title? Do They Have To Be, Like, Puns Or Whatever?"]

Toby Determined:
On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool!

Mabel:
Gravity Falls pool?!

Dipper:
Today?!

Soos:
Pun intended?!

Mabel:
Ah, the pool! Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment!

Stan:
Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet.

Dipper:
Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?

Soos:
It's best not to think about it.

Mermando:
Hola!

Mabel:
Whoa! Are you from Australia?

Kid:
How long ya in for?

Stan:
Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent!

Kid 2:
Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary.

Solitary confinement kid:
It's the nights that are the hardest.

Mabel:
Hey, I brought you a sandwich! It's kind of wet, but it's still good! I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... [whispers] share your secret, beautiful stranger.

Stan:
There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair!

Soos:
The legends you told me in the car were true!

Mabel:
I should've known from your strange foreign fish language!

Mermando:
It is Spanish.

Stan:
Yes, yes...burn the child!

Gideon:
Deal with it!

[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]

Wendy:
Soos!

Soos:
Inflatable duck guy? Is that you?

Wendy:
Yes, Soos!

Soos:
I knew you guys were secretly alive! I knew it!

Wendy:
My people have been enslaved, Soos! You must free us!

Soos:
The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand...

[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]

Mermando:
What are you doing with your mouth.

Mabel:
Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour.

Mermando:
Can I have some candy?

Mabel:
.... No.

Mermando:
I have never met anyone like you.

Mabel:
Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires.

Dipper:
I don't remember the vampires.

Mabel:
I don't tell you everything!

Dipper:
Mabel? Is everyone here tonight?! What, is Soos here too?!

Soos:
[Falls off of the fence in the background.] I'm okay!

Dipper:
Go home, Soos.

Soos:
You got it!

Mabel:
Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs.

Mermando:
Intriguing...

Dipper:
Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever!

Mabel:
Okay...I understand. [Trying to distract Dipper] Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini!

Dipper:
[Falls for it] Really? At night?

Stan:
Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens.... This was a good plan.

Mabel:
Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR!

Dipper:
Mermen don't breathe air!

Mabel:
Then give him reverse CPR, doi!

Dipper:
[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's] I hate this... I hate this...

Mabel:
[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together] Haha... blackmail!

[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]

Mermando:
Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake?

[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]

Dipper:
Agh!!!

Dipper:
Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever.

Stan:
Ah, my head! It hit me right in the head!

Dipper:
Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight?

Soos:
Sure, dude. [Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.] You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. [Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.] Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Actually felt kind of good that time...

Dipper:
Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. [Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.] Ah, get off! Get away! [Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.] This is still better.

Candy:
Candy falls down now!

Mabel:
Get ready to be poked by the fun stick! Boop!

Dipper:
Ow!

Stan:
[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.] Fight, fight, fight!

Announcer:
Baby fights! Will return in a minute.

Stan:
TV. It knows what I want.

Stan:
Man, that's refreshing! Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. [In high-pitched voice] Thank you, Stan[Normal] Ten more for politeness! Oh, and so sweet!

Mabel:
Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face!

Stan:
I have seen the face of beauty!

Dipper:
[In Mabel's body] Braces are horrible! It's like my mouth hates me!

Mabel:
[In Dipper's body] Hey, Grunkle Stan! Your face looks like a butt!

Stan:
What?!

Mabel:
Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink!

Grenda:
3, 4, 5. [Phone rings.] It's him, my dream date! Hello?

Robot Voice:
Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2.

Candy:
Kevin has the voice of a robot.

Grenda:
Don't ruin this for me, Candy!

Candy:
Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested!

Grenda:
How could you say that to Kevin?

Stan:
Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is...I'm going to have to cut your pay.

Waddles in Soos's Body:
[Breathes creepily and puts hand on Stan's face.]

Stan:
What are you doing?

Waddles:
[Breathes eerily]

Stan:
Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work!

Waddles:
[Continues breathing creepily as the camera zooms in on him]

Stan:
Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again!

Candy:
Zap zap!

Candy:
I am a boy now! (deeper voice) Wassup bro. Let's grow some mustaches!

[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]

Bobby Renzobbi:
I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!

[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]

Mabel:
Go, go! Chew that pant leg!

[Stan tears his pant leg free.]

Stan:
All right, that tears it. Outside, now!

Mabel:
Grunkle Stan, no! You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators! And barbecuers!

Stan:
That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!

Mabel:
He should be inside like a person.

Stan:
People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos.

Mabel:
And we're the lesser for it!

Mabel:
Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles...

Stan:
He's a fat, naked jerk!

[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]

Mabel:
Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen?! Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside?

Stan:
What? No, I didn't put him anywhere! I'm not acting suspicious! You're acting suspicious! What's a pig?!

Dipper:
Get ready, you guys. We're about to journey into the most disturbing, horrifying place imaginable - our uncle's mind!

Soos:
You think it would be okay to bring these Burrito Bites into Stan's brain? Thumbs up? Thumbs down? You know what, I'm just gonna bring 'em.

TV announcer:
He put the "old" in "Old West." They call him..."Grandpa the Kid!"

Grandpa the Kid:
I'm tired during the day.

Stan:
I can relate to this!

Grunkle Stan:
[in a flashback] Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: it sucks more than anything!

[The customer slams the door on Stan]

Grunkle Stan:
...Gotta work on that.

Bill Cipher:
I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one.

Soos:
(whispering to Mabel) He's talking about you...

Bill Cipher:
So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. BUT KNOW THIS! A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you!

[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]

Jeff:
This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. (Scrubbing his armpit with one of the squirrels.) Scrub, scrub.

[Dipper and Mabel try to trick Jeff the Gnome into marrying Gideon.]

Mabel:
What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me!

Dipper:
Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair!

Jeff:
Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock! Get my cologne!

[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]

Shmebulock:
Shmebulock!

Jeff:
Is "Shmebulock" all you can say?

Shmebulock:
(nodding "yes") Shmebulock...

Grunkle Stan:
Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever that is...

Announcer:
Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway?! Well then you gotta get Owl Trowel!

[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]

Dipper:
Gimme that back or I'll...

Gideon:
Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh? Huh!? No muscles, no brains - face it, you're nothin' without this!

Stan:
Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got.

Soos:
Right away, Mr. Pines!

Stan:
Soos? What are you doing here?

Soos:
Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awsome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?

[The kitchen is, in fact, ablaze. Soos runs off with a fire extinguisher.]

Stan:
You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they know how evil he really was!

Soos:
[putting his arm around Stan] Hey, I'm here for you, dude!

Stan:
The entire lower half of your body is on fire.

Soos:
Shhh...we're having a moment.

Stanley:
my wife still misses me... But her aim is getting better!

Dipper:
Gideon's got magic, and like a zillion inches on us. Well at least we are the same height!

Mabel:
Actually...

Grunkle Stan:
It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals.

Dipper:
Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our last family bonding day?

[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan making Aardvark.]

Grunkle Stan:
You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman! [Sirens in distance] Uh-oh.

[Back to present]

Mabel:
The county jail was so cold...

Grunkle Stan:
Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?

Dipper and Mabel:
YAY!

Dipper:
Wait, what?

[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:
]

Dipper:
Grunkle Stan, are you wearing a blindfold?

Grunkle Stan:
Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? [drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]

Dipper and Mabel:
AAAHH!

Dipper:
Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden?

Grunkle Stan:
C'mon this is gonna be great! I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't (Stan using air quotes) LIKE or TRUST me.

Grunkle Stan:
Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling!!

[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]

Boy:
Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop?

Pop-Pop:
Anything for my fishin' buddies! (Pop-Pop laughs and Stan is visibly frustrated)

Grunkle Stan:
Arghhh!!

Boy:
Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you!

Grunkle Stan:
(Yelling) Ahhhh!! C'MON!!! Boo!! BOOO!!!

[During the ending credits]

[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke, thoroughly aggravating Dipper]

Pelican Mabel:
(Deep raspy voice) Who wants to hear a joke?

Dipper:
Not me

Pelican Mabel:
Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes!...Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant?

Dipper:
I DON'T CARE!!!

Pelican Mabel:
Cuz he had a very BIG BILL!!! La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk!

Dipper:
OHHH! BOO! Bad Joke! Bad Pelican Joke!

Pelican Mabel:
Blah-Blah-Blah!

Stan:
But enough about me. Behold, me! [reveals wax figure of himself]

[flashback to the haunted garage sale where a constantly sweating seller shows the cursed wax figures to Stan]

Seller:
I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price.

Stan:
[looks at price tag] Twenty dollars?! I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'.

Seller:
What?

Stan:
I said I was gonna rob ya.

[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]

Wax Holmes:
You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass?! It's enormous!

[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]

Stan:
Hey, hey! What the Jekyll is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon?

Wendy:
[browses her cellphone] Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight.

Stan:
[shocked and outraged] WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?!!

Soos:
I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? [Gasps] Ma-gid-bel-eon!

[Stan angrily throws the newspaper on the floor and leaves]

Dipper:
I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to!

Stan:
[walking out the door] Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! [Slams the door]

Dipper:
She's (Mabel) never gonna date you, man!

Gideon:
That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. [Levitates the lamb shears out from a box to kill Dipper]

[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]

Gideon:
My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ol' me.

Dipper:
Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?

Mabel I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! (Dipper Puts pencil against the globe, making Mabel fall off)

Wendy:
Come on, Dipper!

Dipper:
[climbing over the fence] Okay, okay! Just gotta get a foothold...

Robbie:
Dude, your sister did it!

Mabel:
[running on the ground sideways in a circle] WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!

Dipper:
Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something!

Mabel:
[makes a gurgling sound with Smile Dip all over her face, clothes, and her eyes small and green]

Dipper:
Mabel?

[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination:
she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]

Mabel:
The future! ...is in the past! Onwards Aoshima!

Aoshima:
[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]

Dipper:
[shakes Mabel] Mabel! How many of these did you eat?!

Mabel:
Bleven...teen...

Dipper:
Oh man. [drops Mabel] Oh man, oh man, oh man.

Cereal box Toucan:
I'm bonkers for eating you alive! (Holds up a spoon)

Lee:
No! (Screams as a stabbing sound is heard)

Nate:
Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man!

Pa:
[possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice] Welcome.

Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy:
(Scream)

Dipper:
They got Mabel!

Pa:
Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. (Kicks legs and laughs)

Wendy:
We're super sorry for hanging out in your store!

Dipper:
Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever?

Pa:
Well... okay. You're free to go. (Opens doors) But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs!

Nate and Robbie:
(Scream and run for the door)

Pa:
(Closes doors) Just kidding about the hot dog sale!

Nate:
Just let us out of here already!

Pa:
I don't like your tone! (Dissolves Nate)

Nate:
(Reappears as a hot dog on the stove) No! I'M A HOT DOG!

Pa:
It begins. (Makes everything float to the ceiling) Welcome to your home for all eternity!

Wendy:
Dipper, what do we do?!

Dipper:
DUCK! (Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf)

Wendy:
(Points) Quick! In there! (Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant)

Wendy:
What do they want from us?!

Dipper:
Revenge, I guess?

Wendy:
What did we do wrong?

Dipper:
Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense!

Wendy:
Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things.

Dipper:
Wendy, say that last part again.

Wendy:
Normal teenage things?

Dipper:
Of course! Stay here until I get back! (crawls out of the freezer)

Wendy:
Dude, what are you doing?!

Dipper:
Hey ghost!

Pa:
(twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him)

Dipper:
I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager!

Pa:
(drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma) Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? (drops Mabel into a pile of candy)

Mabel:
WAAH! (Lands in the candy and rubs her head) Ohhh...

Ma:
Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store!

Pa:
Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants! So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music.

Ma:
The lyrics...they were so hateful!

Mabel:
Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again.

Dipper:
Hey! (Picks up a package of Smile Dip) There's still some left!

Mabel:
(Slaps it out of his hand) EVIL!

Wendy:
Well, I'm probably scarred for life.

Dipper:
Yeah, that was pretty crazy.

Wendy:
I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay?

Dipper:
Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... (gets in the car, to himself) Next time... (gets in the car and sits next to Mabel)

Mabel:
OHHHHH... (sees the thing she wrote earlier) What kind of sick joke is this?

[The car drives away from the store, and the lights go out in the store. Cut to credits].

#10:
Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away!

Dipper:
No friends, it's me, #7.

#7:
That's not me guys! THATS NOT ME!!!

(Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate)

(Blubs is exhausted and Durland is concerned)-

Blubs:
There is .... No escape! (out of breath) I gotta take a knee!!

Durland:
Are you ok? Can I get you anything?

Blubs:
Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough!

Dipper:
Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?

Blubs:
I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top!

Dipper:
Wait! Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation?

Quentin Trembley:
No sir!!! I ate a salamander and jumped out the window!

Quentin Trembley:
You've done a great service to your country Mabel! As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman!

(Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head)

Mabel:
I'm legalizing EVERYTHING!!

Qeuntin Trembley:
Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...(Shows Dipper some paper money) On the negative twelve dollar bill!!

Dipper:
Whoa! This is worthless!!

Quentin Trembley:
It's LESS than worthless my boy!! TREMBLEY AWAY!!!!

(Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off)

Mabel:
Where do you think he's going?

Dipper:
I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff.

[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]

Dundgren:
You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct.

Blendin:
It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles!

Lolph:
That's a pig, Blendin.

Blendin:
[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away] I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet!

[After a moment's pause]

Dipper:
Well, we're still here.

Mabel:
Guess he forgot to go back.

Mabel:
Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears.

Stan:
Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. [tries to reach an item on a shelf]

Mabel:
You want me to go get a ladder?

Stan:
We don't have one.

Mabel:
What?

Stan You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Mabel:
Grunkle Stan, why you ackin' so cray-cray?

Stan:
YOU'RE the one who's "ackin' cray-cray"!

Rumble McSkirmish:
You can hide, but you cannot hide!

Gideon:
[on the phone to Stan] Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them! [pause] This is Gideon, by the way.

Stan:
[laughs] Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago.

Gideon:
I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo!

Stan:
"Text me a photo"? Now you're not even speaking English!

Gideon:
But--

[Stan hangs up]

[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]

Soos:
'Sup, Gorney?

Gorney:
I've been twamatized!

[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]

Stan:
You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... [in a wickedly evil voice] PURE EVIL!!

[everyone laughs maniacally and then stops abruptly. There is a pause]

Soos:
I ate a man alive tonight. [everyone looks to Soos]

(Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL)

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL! Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ! The chip flavored cracker.

Mabel:
(munching) They taste just like CHIPS!!

(Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack)

Stan:
Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse! That's -- that's pretty good.

(the tourists are suitably amazed uttering OOOHS and WOW)

Stan:
Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy!!!

(Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper - extremely uncomfortable - half naked with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants)

Stan:
Oh look at him! All that hair! His body is changing... AHHHH!

(Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth)

Dipper:
Grunkle Stan this is demeaning!!

Stan:
WHAT!?! I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word!!

(The tourists all laugh)

Stan:
If you throw money at him he dances.

(The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins)

Mabel:
Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark?

Soos:
Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected....

(Soos peeks out from the porta potty wearing the Qeustiony The Question Mark get-up)

Mabel:
Soos Don't give up! ( Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management") Anything is possible when you...IMAGINIZE it!!

Dipper:
[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack] This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes! Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby!

[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, but in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]

Soos:
Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions.

[Tour group gasps in shock.]

Stan:
[singing reluctantly] I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.

Mabel [offscreen] DO THE KICKS!!!

[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]

McGucket:
Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my HORRIFYIN' VOICE!!!

[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]

McGucket:
YOU CAN RUN, BUT I'LL STILL BE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!!

[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]

Mystery Shack Customer:
Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size?

Stan:
Never mind the T-shirt! Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face! [stands on the counter, grinning]

Mabel:
[leading the customer away] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

[Cut to Stan writing in his office]

Stan:
D-doing my taxes!

Dipper:
[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink] Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?

Stan:
Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud!

Dipper:
...Might wanna tuck that one away, there. [drops the form into a shredder]

[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]

Circus Performer on TV:
[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles] Do-do-doooo! Oh no! [Dipper and Mabel laugh]

Stan:
Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?

[Dipper and Mabel are visibly disturbed.]

[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]

Stan:
Where... where are we?

Mabel:
[gasps] Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top!

Dipper:
[checks his watch] And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.

Soos:
Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.

Stan:
But that's impossible! No one will believe us. [leans on the pit's sign]

Mabel:
Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.

All:
Agreed.

[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]

Mabel:
[smiling] He'll be fine.

[During the credits, Stan falls through the Pit again with a bored expression]

Stan:
[sighs, long pause] This is stupid.

[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]

Wendy:
Hey, Mr. Pines.

Stan:
Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard?

Wendy:
I am the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka! Boosh! [throws more balloons]

Stan:
[fleeing] AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER!

[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]

Dipper:
Wow, you work here?

Wendy:
I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house.

Dipper:
Yeah, you do! [laughs rather exuberantly for a moment, then whispers to himself] I've been laughing for too long.

Soos:
Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning.

Dipper:
Soos, shhh!!

[Stan discovers Mabel (in Dipper's body) watching Dipper (in her body) hanging out with her friends]

Stan:
What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about the birds and the bees, you know?

[Mabel looks mortified. Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]

Mabel:
I—I should really be going--

Stan:
No way out of it! Look, it all begins with this little fella, the pituitary gland. [grinning] He may be little, but he has BIG PLANS.

Mabel:
AAAAAAAAH!!!

Stan:
[later; closing the book] And now you know where babies come from.

Mabel:
[traumatized] Goodbye, childhood...

Dipper:
[in Grenda's body] Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once.

Grenda:
[in Mabel's body] Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands!

Grenda:
[in McGucket's body] Cool! I'm Santa Claus!

McGucket:
[in Candy's body] Whoo-ee! [laughs] I've regained my innocence!

Dipper:
[in Waddles' body] Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing.

Soos:
[in Grenda's body] This body's not that different from my old one.

Officer Blubs:
[in McGucket's body] My horoscope didn't say anything about this.

Officer Durland:
[in Dipper's body] AHH! What's happenin' to me?!

Candy:
[in Officer Blubs' body] I am police officer now!

Grenda:
[in Officer Durland's body] Let's go bust some perps, Candy!

Mabel:
SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet!

Dipper:
Ughh! Sev'Ral Timez?!? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late?

[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]

Sev'Ral Timez:
"Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baaa-bay! We're not threatening!"

[The song continues with Mabel dancing along]

Dipper:
Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right?

Wendy:
Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry.

Mabel:
You're making my dance sad!

Mabel:
You guys can't ruin this for me! Mabel's got backup!!

[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]

Grenda:
Hey guys!!

Candy:
Woo-Hoo!!

Mabel:
I'm ready for the greatest night of our lives! [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?"

Grenda and Candy:
"SEV'RAL TIMEZ!"

[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]

Dipper:
Uhhh.....GIRLS!

Wendy:
I know. Right?

[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]

Dipper:
So wait...You actually believe my theory?

Grunkle Stan:
You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat!

[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]

Grunkle Stan:
It's APOCA-LICIOUS!

[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]

Deep Chris:
Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU.

Concert Girl1:
I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS!!

Concert Girl2:
HE WAS TALKING TO ME!!!

[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]

Tyler Cutebiker:
Git 'Em!! Git 'Em!!

Sev'Ral Timez:
Thank you! Good Night!

[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage...]

Deep Chris:
Ohh! Who goes there? Prepare to be danced at!

[Deep Chris 'aggressively' dances towards Mabel]

Creggy G:
Step off Deep Chris! She's a lady! Don't disrespect her bro! Don't disrespect!!

Deep Chris:
Mah bad! (He throws kisses towards an enthralled Mabel as she squeals.)

Deep Chris:
Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style.

[Sev'ral Timez throws a pose and Mabel is beyond excited.]

Mabel:
Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode! I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man?

Deep Chris:
Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo!

Creggy G:
He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G!

Chubby Z:
But he keeps us in cages! That junk is straight brutal girl!

Mabel:
That is straight brutal Chubby Z.

Creggy G:
Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real! Yo, I heard about these things called trees...I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one!

Greggy C:
But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us!

Mabel:
If he loved you, he'd set you free!

Creggy G:
True dat, true dat...

Chubby Z:
That's a valid perspective!!

[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]

Mabel:
Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape.

Grenda:
(screaming) We're Masters of Stealth!!

Chubby Z:
Yo! You'd really do that for us beef?

Mabel:
You can count on me! ....I'm sorry, did you just call me BEEF?!?

Dipper:
All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown!

Stan:
Spit-take, here I come! [sips Pitt Cola]

[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]

Stan:
Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives?

Dipper:
What? Is that it? [fiddles with the speed] Ugh! This was so stupid! Course there's no hidden mind-control messages! [sadly] Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie.

Wendy:
[entering with Robbie] Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys.

Robbie:
What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you?

[He laughs, and Dipper scowls at him]

Wendy:
Ready to go to Lookout Point?

Robbie:
Heh, am I! [leaving with her] Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. [chuckles] I made that up.

Stan:
[shakes fist] I'll rewind your FACE!

Dipper:
Wait a minute... Stan, rewind!

[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]

Stan:
[spits soda into Dipper's face] Holy mackerel! Now there's your spit-take!

Dipper:
Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! [worried] Oh no! I've got to save Wendy!

Stan:
Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll!

Robbie:
[after Wendy breaks up with him] Oh, man...!

Stan:
Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold! [brief pause] You've been buying gold, right?

Stan:
Women. They're the real mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy"!

Dipper:
[sadly] No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now.

Stan:
Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing... even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car.

Dipper:
You think she'll ever forgive me?

Stan:
Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me.

Dipper:
[smiling] Thanks, Grunkle Stan.

Stan:
Don't mention it, kid. [gnawing is heard from outside] Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash?! [cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom] Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men! Always eating out of my trash... Wait, what?

Stan:
I should have put that pig outside ages ago!

Mabel:
Wait, what did you just say?

Stan:
Hm? What's that?

Mabel:
You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. [gasps and frowns]

Stan:
No! Wait, uh, if you think about it--

Mabel:
You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! [She begins to cry] And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD!

Stan:
Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside!

Mabel:
No, that's it! Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again!

Stan:
Look, you can't be serious.

Mabel:
Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them!

Stan:
Kid!

Mabel:
[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle] La la la la la! I can't hear anyone! No one's talking to me!

[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]

Stan:
The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig.

[He shoves Waddles out into the open; the pig turns and looks at him]

Stan:
What are you looking at?

[Short silence; Waddles keeps looking at him]

Stan:
Aw, come on, don't give me that look! What am I supposed to do, let it eat me?

[Another short silence; still Waddles keeps looking]

Stan:
[frustrated] Rrrrgh! Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal! Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. [starting to look sad] Telling me her jokes... making me laugh...

[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]

Stan:
[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl] Aw, dang it! [as the pterodactyl flies straight for them] Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. [dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it] You want this pig?! [loudly] THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME!!!

Bill:
Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back! Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? [laughs] I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon!

Gideon:
W-what are you? H-how do you know my name?!

Bill:
Oh, I know lots of things. LOTS OF THINGS. [Said in a deep "slow motion" voice, while his body shows pictures of various cryptic things and locations] Hey, look what I can do! [magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands] Deer teeth! For you, kid! [laughs]

Gideon:
[dropping the teeth in shock] You're insane!

Bill:
Sure I am, what's your point? [restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]

Bill:
One nightmare, coming up!

Soos:
Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about...

British Dog-Man:
[appears] 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Who's crike for a stick in the pudding?! [jabs Soos with his cane]

Dipper:
Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. [Hands Journal 3 to Stan] It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it.

[Stan skims through the book, suspicious. Then...]

Stan:
I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper... [laughs loudly] Now I know where you've been getting it all from! Spookums and monsters... This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies!

Dipper:
But it's all real!

Stan:
Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions! Can't come up with this stuff! Mind if I borrow this?

Dipper:
Wait, no! Grunkle Stan!

Stan:
"Magic book." [laughs more] Ridiculous! [leaves with the book]

Dipper:
Stan, I need it!!!

Mabel:
Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands! You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not.

Dipper:
Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though.

Mabel:
I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway?