Gravity Falls, Season 2

Stan:
Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon.

Crowd:
Booooooo!

Stan:
Please, please. Boo harder!

Agent Powers:
My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town.

Agent Trigger:
(pointing at Stan) Activity!

Stan:
"Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking!

Agent Powers:
I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor.

Stan:
(laughs nervously)

Agent Powers:
I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth.

Mabel:
This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," *gasp* "Taking Over Midnight" by &DRA! (pronounced: "Ampersandra")

Stan:
Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me.

Mabel:
Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't abot sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together.

(Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film)

Girl:
What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead!

Boy:
Far worse, Trixandra! They're nearly almost dead, but not quite!

(Title Screen:
"NEARLY ALMOST DEAD but NOT QUITE!")

Dipper:
Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies.

Wendy:
They're slow! Power-walk away from them!

(On the TV...)

Chadley:
Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot!

(Dipper and Wendy laugh.)

Wendy:
Chadley ain't pretty no more!

(Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room.)

Mabel:
They sure are taking their time in there.

Soos:
Didn't Dipper say something about a monster?

Mabel:
Oh, no! I thought he was joking!

Soos:
You know Dipper's jokes are terrible!

Stan:
Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them.

Dipper:
Pass.

Mr. Northwest:
Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything.

Mrs. Northwest:
Oh, and looks. Winning and looks.

Pacifica:
Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right?

Mr. Northwest:
Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper.

(Pacifica gets out of the car)

Mr. Northwest:
Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose.

(They drive away)

Bill:
"I, uh, I," Do it, kid. Do some brilliant thing that takes me down right now. Whaddaya got, Pine Tree, everyone's waiting. DO IT.

Bill Cipher- ‘You’re my puppet now, kid’

Mabel- (pulls salami slice from Soos’ wallet) Emergency salami, Soos my respect for you has grown!

Mabel:
Dipper, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?

Dipper:
Raise the dead.

Mabel:
And what did you do?

Dipper:
Raise the dead.

Stan:
[fighting zombies] All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME!

Wendy:
Oh, man! Was this place built in the past or the future?

Soos:
Yeah, this room is way creepy.

Mabel:
(grinning) Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history! Heyo! (gives Dipper a playful shove)

(After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer)

Shape Shifter:
You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take!

(It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape; Dipper, Mabel and Wendy look shocked)

Soos:
(to Dipper, chuckling) Good luck sleeping tonight!

[Meeting the Lilliputtians]

Mabel:
Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud.

Dipper:
Pst! Mabel! This is perfect! These guys control the course! Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win!

Mabel:
I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating?

Dipper:
Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life.

Pacifica:
[to Sergei] How much you wanna bet they're no-shows?

[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]

Mabel:
Looking for someone?

Pacifica:
[sarcastic] Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all.

[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]

Mabel:
Hey, I found two tacos! [eats one]

Pacifica:
[astonished] You're allowed to eat in the car?

Mabel:
Yeah! The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! [offers her the other taco] Want one?

Pacifica:
Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts.

Mabel:
"Handouts"? It's called sharing! You do know what sharing is, right?

Pacifica:
"Sha... shahring"?

Mabel:
Just take it.

Pacifica:
Tell your servant I like his W-neck.

Soos:
YES!

Mabel:
Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Bill:
Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you! [takes his hat off, tilts the world sideways with Dipper before titling back again]

Dipper:
You again!

Bill:
Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me!

Dipper:
Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind!

Bill:
It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an EYE ON YOU since then, and I must say, I'm impressed!

Dipper:
Really?

Bill:
You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming!

[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]

Bill:
[cackles] The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... favor in return.

Dipper:
I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time!

Bill:
[rises behind him] Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, [pretends to grab Dipper's brain] I'll be here for you, ready to make a deeaaal. [three slots appear spinning on his chest and stop to a pine tree symbol] Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? [waving his arms] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! [come to reality, Dipper wakes up]

Dipper:
[waving his arms] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Bill:
[in Dipper's body] Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. [slaps himself on the cheek] Whoo! [slaps the other cheek] Whoo! Haha! Pain is hilarious!

Bill:
[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola] Human soda! I'm gonna drink it like a person! [pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]

Dipper:
[as a ghost] I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you!

Bill:
[in Dipper's body] But how can you stop me...[slowly turns his head towards him] if you don't exist? [cackles evilly]

Bill:
[in Dipper's body] Hey, Soos! Wanna hear the exact time and date of your death?

Soos:
[chuckles] Okay!

Mabel:
He (Gabe) loves it! This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show?

Dipper:
[as a sock puppet] Mabel! You want me to be a sock puppet forever?!

Mabel:
[laughs] I'm sorry. It looks funny when you're mad.

[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]

Mabel:
Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face!

Bill:
[in Dipper's body] How's about you hand that book over?

Mabel:
No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away!

Bill:
Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses! Give me the book or your play is ruined!

[Mabel sighs and begins to hand it to him]

Bill:
There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling?!

Mabel:
[suddenly realizes] Dipper would.

Bill:
Huh?

[Mabel yanks Bill off the catwalk, sending them both falling]

Bill:
[in Dipper's worn-out body] What is this feeling?! My body is burning! I can't move these stupid noodle legsǃ Curse you, useless flesh-sticks! Body shutting down! Must... scratch... mosquito... bites!

[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]

Mabel:
Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it! Cue applause!

[Instead, the audience boos them and leaves]

Mabel:
Gabe! Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches!

Gabe:
Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form! Let's go, my loves. [leaves, kissing his puppets]

Dipper:
Did he just make out with his puppets?

Mabel:
I might've dodged a bullet there.

[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]

Soos:
Man, I can't wait for the year 2000.

[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (romaji for "spontaneous combustion")]

Soos:
Ehh, start! [clicks; watches intro sequence with Japanese and English texts] "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. [a pink-haired schoolgirl appears]

.GIFfany:
Oh, hi there! My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? [options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]

Soos:
I'm really feeling number two here. Click! [buzzes] Ah! I messed up!

.GIFfany:
That's okay. Try again! [Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]

Soos:
Wow, I'm learning! And games are making it fun!

.GIFfany:
What would you like to talk about? [options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]

Soos:
I'd rather just click your face. [clicks her face] Ngah... ngah!

.GIFfany':
Ha ha. You are so funny!

Soos:
Man, this game is amazing! I don't know why anyone abandoned it.

.GIFfany:
And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend.

Soos:
Boyfriend? Oh-hoh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive.

.GIFfany:
Yes... Almost. Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha! [Soos chuckles; pan to show the unplugged cord to Soos's computer]

Soos:
Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh.

.GIFfany:
[appears at once on several TVs] That's not important! [appears on several more TVs] What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again! You and me can be together... [appears on all the TVs at once, her voice harsh and electronically distorted] FOREVER!!!

Stan:
You don't understand, Wendy! This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction! But he won't sell it to me!

Wendy:
This is literally too dumb for me to care about.

Soos:
Please, let my friends go! I'll do anything you want, I promise!

.GIFfany:
I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? [She extends a flash drive out at Soos] I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together... forever.

Soos:
Ah! Stay back!

[He throws things at her as he is backed to the furnace]

.GIFfany:
Come on, Soos! Don't let me delete you too!

[Soos looks at the game disk in his pocket]

.GIFfany:
What do you say, boyfriend?

Soos:
I say... GAME OVER, GIFFANY!!!!!

.GIFfany:
NO! WAIT!

[Soos throws the disk into the furnace, melting it; .GIFfany screams and her image on the TV is shut off, and the anamatronic beaver she possessed melts, and the other animatronics shut down as well.]

Stan:
[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern] Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams! [the traveller backs away] Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise"!

[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]

Stan:
Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier.

Stan:
Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart... Forget that last part.

[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]

Cinnamon (in cartoon):
You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart!

Shimmery Twinkleheart (in cartoon):
No, you did it, Cinnamon!

Mabel:
[with Twinkleheart] Because you believed in yourself!

[Stan and Soos groan]

Dipper:
Everything about this is bad.

Stan:
Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day.

Mabel:
Ooooh, old people movies! Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat.

Stan:
Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by antisocial shut-ins.

Soos:
Those people are called Ani-ma-tors.

Younger McGucket:
For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. (He holds up the memory erasing ray.) Test subject One: Fiddleford. (He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on) It worked! I can't recall a thing. (Static) I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! (Static, McGucket is more disheveled and nervous.) Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. (Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.) I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... (static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.) I saw something in the lake, something big! (Rips his hair out, static.) My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? (static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:) Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! (which is Abtash for:) Bill Cipher! Triangle! (The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye to reference Bill Cipher.)

Young Soos:
[reading a postcard from his father] "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure! -Dad."

Reggie:
Hey, don't sweat it, cuz! You'll see him next year.

Young Soos:
Heh. Yeah. "Next year"...

[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]

Young Soos:
I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes.

Time Baby:
Let the Globnar begin!

Mabel:
So anyway, can you make anything fall in love? Like that snake and that badger?

[Outside, the badger and snake growl and hiss at each other]

Love God:
Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to-- [points at the animals] KABOOM! Match made!

[The animals become affectionate, with the snake wrapping around the badger and being carried away]

Mabel:
They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that?

Love God:
Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow!

Mabel:
I need that potion. How much would it cost? [grabbing a passing squirrel] And would you accept squirrels as payment?

Love God:
Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might think you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert.

Woman:
Love God! Sign my face!

Love God:
Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! [they kiss]

Teen 1:
[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"] I eat kids? But we're kids!

Teen 2:
It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! [The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]

Charlie:
Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us?

Charlie's Mother:
[shedding tears] Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will.

TV Announcer:
You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of Ghost Harassers, on the Used-To-Be-About-History Channel!

Dipper:
[sips a Pitt cola] Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset.

Preston:
[Leans down threateningly; Dipper glares at him, unfazed] Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?

Dipper:
"My kind"? [Looks at Pacifica] I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain!

Pacifica:
I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but--

[Preston rings the bell. Blushing, Pacifica steps back]

[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]

Ghost of Archibald Corduroy:
A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will BURN! [laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]

Pacifica:
Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!

Ghost of Archibald Corduroy:
You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise!

[Preston, Priscilla, and a butler appear from an underground hatch]

Preston:
Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. [whispering] We'll eat the butler.

[Pacifica looks at Dipper's wooden statue, and reaches for the lever]

Preston You dare to disobey us?! [rings the bell; Pacifica shakes nervously, but still reaches for the lever] Dingally, dingally! Is this bell broken?!

Pacifica:
[stamping angrily] Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it!

[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]

Tyler Cutebiker:
Git it! Git it!

Ghost of Archibald Corduroy:
[overjoyed] Yes! YES! It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. [restores the Manor and the guests to normal]

Marius von Fundshauser:
Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you mein phone number?

Grenda:
[happily] I don't have a phone! Write it on my FACE!

Mabel:
Whoa! Go, Grenda.

Candy:
I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid.

Mabel:
What? I call co-bridesmaid.

Soos:
[pointing at the portal timer] It's the final countdown! Just like they always sung about!

Agent Powers:
Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?

Stan:
Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?

[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]

Soos:
Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.

Stan:
[via walkie-talkie] "Soos!!"

Soos:
[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker] Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation?

Stan:
"Soos, pick up!!" [Soos picks up walkie-talkie]

Soos:
Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.

Stan:
"Listen, I need something from you." [at police station] You know that vending machine in the gift shop? [via walkie-talkie] "I need you to guard it with your LIFE. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."

[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]

Soos:
Time for a repair guy... to become a repair man.

Drive-Thru Employee:
[hands out a kids box] Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?

Soos:
Just put one in my mouth. [employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it] Let's do this.

Stan:
[while Soos is tackling his boss] Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order!

Soos:
Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids!

Stan:
Soos, you idiot, let me go!

[Mabel is about to push the shutdown button before Stan desperately intervenes]

Stan:
I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of 'em are true, but trust me—everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family.

Dipper:
Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!

Stan:
Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?!

Dipper:
He's lying! Shut it down NOW!

Stan:
Mabel, please!

Computer:
Ten. Nine.

Mabel:
[Looking away and lowering hand to the button, then looks at Stan] Grunkle Stan...

Computer:
Six. Five.

Mabel:
[Lifts hand] I trust you. [Lets go of the stand, floats up]

Dipper:
[angry and shocked] MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA--!!

Computer:
One.

(A mysterious figure comes out of the portal. He places his six-fingered hand on the journal, picks it up and puts it in his jacket pocket.)

Dipper:
What...? W-who is that?

Stan:
The author of the journals.

[The person pulls off his scarf and goggles, revealing his face. He looks nearly identical to Stan]

Stan:
My brother!

Mabel:
Is this the part where one of us faints?

Soos:
Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Faints]

Ford:
Hehehehe! Wait up!

Stan:
Heh! Yeah, you should keep up.

Ford:
I...I can keep up! [Peeks through some boards] Whoa!

Stan:
Neato!

Ford:
Mysterious, boarded-up cave! It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms! Or Mesoamerican gold!

Stan:
Uh, ladies first.

[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]

[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]

Stan:
Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! [Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it] Cool. Splinters!

Ford:
[Shines flashlight into the cave] Whoa, it's so creepy in here!

Stan:
[Comes into the cave] Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.

[The writing on the wall in marker reads:
Stanley and Stanford Pines]

Stan and Ford:
[Walk off, chanting:] Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!

Ford:
I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.

Dipper:
Stanley?

Mabel:
But... your name is Stanford.

Ford:
[angry] Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?!

Dipper:
Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies! You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?

Mabel:
And what happened between you and your brother?

Soos:
I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.

Stan:
Finally! After all these long years of waiting, you're actually here! Brother!

Ford:
(Punches him in the face)

Stan:
Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?!

Ford:
This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal! Didn't you read my warnings?!

Stan:
Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?

Ford:
Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you DID THIRTY YEARS AGO?!

Stan:
What I did? Why, you ungrateful... (Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him) Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're... family. (As Ford slams him to the ground) Ah!

Mabel:
Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Ford:
Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?

Soos:
Heh heh. I get that a lot.

Stan:
They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.

Ford:
I-I have a niece and nephew? (Shakes Mabel's hand) Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.

Mabel:
Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal!

Ford:
Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.

Dipper:
I-I can't believe it... YOU'RE THE AUTHOR OF THE JOURNALS!

Ford:
You've read my journals?

Dipper:
I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOOOOOHHH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out!

[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]

Stanley:
[in a commercial] Hi there! I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises! Are you sick of this always happening to you? [gets splashed with juice] Then you need the shammy of the future! Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon! That's the Sham-Total! It's a total sham!

Stan:
[voiceover] I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. [the pitchforks all fall apart] I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania!

Stanley:
[in another commercial] Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off! The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. [awkward pause]

Stan:
[voiceover] It gave you rashes. [cut to a scene showing Stan being chased out of Pennsylvania by an angry mob of people with rashes]

Stanley:
Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee.

Stanford:
Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore.

Stanley:
Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay?

Stanford:
I have something to show you. Something you won't believe.

Stanley:
Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. [standing in the portal room] There is nothing about this I understand.

Stanford:
It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. [gives Stan the journal] I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? [Stan smiles] Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it!

Stanley:
[angered] That's IT?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible?!

Stanford:
Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through!

Stanley:
No, no! You don't understand what I've been through! I've been to prison in three different countries! I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? I've got a mullet, Stanford! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself!

Stanford:
[indignant and furious] I'm selfish? I'm selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that to me after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen!

Stanley:
Well, listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine! I'll get rid of it for you! [he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]

Ford:
No! (Grabs the journal) You don't understand!

Stan:
(Takes it back) You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it!

Ford:
My research! (Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him) Stanley, give it back! (Pushes him onto some of the buttons)

Stan:
You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that!

Stan:
(Trying to pull the journal away from Ford) You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life!

Ford:
You ruined your own life! (Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor) Stanley! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Are you alr-

Stan:
Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE 'EM! (Shoves Ford back into the portal light, and he starts getting sucked into it) Whoa, whoa, hey, what's going on? Hey, hey, Stanford-

Ford:
Stanley! Stanley, help me!

Stan:
Oh, no, what do I do?!!

Ford:
Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! (Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal)

Stan:
(Runs to the portal) Stanford, come back! I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! (Pounds on the side of the portal)

Stan:
(Desperately runs to the lever and tries to pull it to no avail) I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah, come on! STANFORD! (Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:) I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow.

Dipper:
Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him.

Dipper:
Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!

Mabel:
Dogs! Dogs with hats!

Dipper No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time:
[holding up the boxed game] Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me?

Mabel:
Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play?

Dipper The rules are simple. [opens game book; Mabel's enthusiasm fades as he reads] First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel.

Mabel:
[happy again] And then we ride unicorns?

Dipper:
Yes! [Mabel gasps happily] And no. [she frowns] First we make a graph. [holds up graph paper]

Mabel:
Uuugh! This is like Homework: The Game!

Ford:
My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and PLAY!

[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]

Ford:
Ah! My ears! They're so pointy!

Dipper:
There better be something protective under this tunic... [checks] OH, NO, THERE ISN'T!

Ford:
The Impossibeast! Hey, I thought they banned this character!

Probabilitor:
Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition!

Ford:
Dipper, can I tell you something?

[Dipper nods]

Ford:
You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, (pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone) I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: (holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it) an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?

Dipper:
Oh-uh, of course.

Ford:
In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.

Dipper:
Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford.

Ford:
Goodnight, Dipper.

Dipper:
[reading from parchment] Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor. [awkward pause] I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

Mabel:
Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?

Stan:
I got my mouth, don't I?

[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]

Dipper:
And he's insisting on speaking his mind! [Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]

Ford:
So this is an emergency.

Dipper:
The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure.

Ford:
[thinking] Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. [opens his drawer] Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. [Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie] A long time ago, I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.

Dipper:
[peers inside the tie] Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically ambiguous!

Ford:
[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper] As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.

Dipper:
Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! [runs off]

Ford:
[waves, resumes his research] Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.

Stan:
Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?

Dipper:
[to Mabel] Jump in! Jump in!

[Turns on the switch]:

Stan:
[Under Mabel's control] Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! [Snaps his fingers] I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. [Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan] But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.

Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos:
YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN!

Shandra:
[on TV] This just in! Stanford Pines loses! [a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]

Dipper, Mabel, and Stan:
[watching] WHAT?!

Shandra:
Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.

Stan:
Oh boy...

Mabel:
Stan, what did you do?!

Stan:
What didn't I do?

Shandra:
[reading through papers, looking increasingly confused] Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...?

Stan:
[shakes fist] That llama knew too much!

Shandra:
Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.

[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]

Tyler:
[blushing] Got it!

Shandra:
[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from] We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking...

[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading:
"FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]

Stan:
Whew! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast...

Wendy:
Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!

Shady Gnome:
[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies] Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed.

Grenda:
[checks bags] Where do you get this stuff?

Shady Gnome:
Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made.

Grenda:
[takes off shades] You disgust me.

Shady Gnome:
You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal.

Grenda:
Yeah, well, the deal is OFF!

[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]

Police Officer Gnome:
Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down!

Shady Gnome:
These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed!

Police Officer Gnome:
Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! [to Grenda] My cut? [Grenda gives him one of the bags]

Blue Unicorn:
Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again?

Red Unicorn:
That is messed up, man.

Mabel:
Wait, "scam"?

Red Unicorn:
Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music! [horn lights up and plays music]

Blue Unicorn:
Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone.

Celestabellebethabelle:
[awkwardly] Guuuuys, shut uuuup!

Mabel:
[angrily] All this time... all this time I thought I was a bad person. [crushes her notepad] But you're even worse than I am!

Celestabellebethabelle:
Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off! What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Huh?! What are you gonna do?!

[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood. She and her friends look shocked for a moment]

Wendy:
Woo! Go, Mabel!

Grenda:
Join the dark side!

Ford:
Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?!

Bill:
Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart! Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party! Right, guys?

[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]

Ford:
No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down!

Bill:
A deal's a deal, Sixer! You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try! Cute, even!

Ford:
To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... THE END OF OUR WORLD!

Ford:
You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel.

Mabel:
Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative.

Stan :
[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold] MONEY!

Stan:
Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure.

Dipper:
Hey. [points to his arm] We're both failures.

Darlene:
You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey!

[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]

Dipper:
I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps.

Stan:
Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen-- SWEET LORD!! [Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners] AH, COME ON!!

[closeup on graffiti:
"Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it Pines!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]

Corn Maze Worker:
That's what you get! That's what you get! [laughs mischievously as he runs off with the other trap owners]

Stan:
I don't understand. I completely don't deserve this!

Dipper:
Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up?

Mabel:
Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway?

[post-credits scene:
Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]

Soos:
Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. [pause] Don't...move...! [another long pause] You know, I would make a really good scarecrow.

[At the Gravity Falls High School]

Wendy:
My dawgs! What up?

Mabel:
Wendy, what are you doing here?

Wendy:
Ugh, high school registration.

Mabel:
Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"?

Wendy:
More like "teen horror movie"! High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! [gestures towards two girls snarling at each other]

Thompson:
[huddled against a wall] Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR!

Robbie:
My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! [punches a bulletin board]

Mabel:
Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of musical...

Wendy:
TV lied, man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again.

Stan:
Hey, everything all right, pumpkin?

Mabel:
Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck.

Stan:
Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to grow up, you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I still eat ice cream for dinner!

Mabel:
But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls.

Stan:
Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know?

Mabel:
Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. (holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation) Ford's apprentice? Seriously?!

Dipper:
Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me.

Mabel:
(starting to cry) Well, it's a horrible opportunity for me! I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?!

Dipper:
Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work.

Mabel:
I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever...

Dipper:
But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends.

(Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying)

Dipper:
Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back!

"Blendin":
Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out! It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to!

Mabel:
R-really? But how does it work?

"Blendin":
I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. (shows the rift) Something small; he won't even know it's missing.

Mabel:
Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. (takes out the rift) Huh, that's...odd. Is this it?

"Blendin":
Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls?

Mabel:
(wistfully) Just a little more summer...(hands over the rift)

"Blendin":
OOPS! (drops the rift and smashes it with his boot)

Mabel:
What?!

(Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher)

Mabel:
Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait!

(Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body)

Bill:
At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!

[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]

Bill:
All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets! For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill! But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity!

[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest in front of Deputy Durland, Sheriff Blubs and Mayor Tyler]

Bill:
Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends! [as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky] 8 Ball! Kryptos! The being whose name must never be said! [it lands down] Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar! Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! [all his friends start cackling out loud]

Mayor Tyler:
Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here!

Lazy Susan:
Yeah! Things with one eye are weird!

Grenda:
We don't like out-of-towners!

Manly Dan:
[ripping a mailbox in half] AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

Mr. Northwest:
I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Pacifica:
[angrily] Dad!

Mr. Northwest:
Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking.

Bill:
[sarcastic] Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face?!

[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]

Sheriff Blubs:
Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! [one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]

Bill:
It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a castle of some kind! [causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky] And how about some bubbles of PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart] This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, TO WEIRDMAGEDDON!!!

Ford:
So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a... [twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion] "boop-boop!"

Ford:
I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill!

Bill:
Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? (holds his arms at his sides vertically)

Ford:
(copying Bill's pose) "This?" (Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue)

Bill:
Because I needed a new backscratcher! (Laughs with the Henchmaniacs)

Dipper:
That's ENOUGH! Hand over my uncle! (Holds up Journal 3) Or else!

Bill:
Now isn't...this...INTERESTING?! (teleports right in front of Dipper) My old puppet is back for an encore! (dangles the petrified Ford) You think you can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got!

Dipper:
(flips through Journal 3) I...uh, I...(sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!")

Bill:
(mockingly) "I, um, I--" Do it, kid! Do some brilliant thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! DO IT!

Dipper:
BILL--!! (lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer)

Bill:
(levitates the Journals) That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! (shows Ford) This is what happens to heroes in my world! (Sets the Journals aflame)

Dipper:
NO!! The Journals!

Bill:
Not much of a threat now, are you?

[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]

Wendy:
End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it shockingly right.

[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]

Bill:
[cackles] Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2.

[Pounding is heard]

Voice:
Open up! This is the police. Time Police!

Bill:
Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking.

[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]

Lolph:
Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer.

Blendin:
My body is a temple! How dare you!

Time Baby:
Hear this, Cipher.

Bill:
Ugh, Time Baby.

Time Baby:
If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum.

Bill:
[sarcastic] Oh no, a tantrum! Whatever will I do about that? HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?! BOOM!!!

[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]

Kryptos:
Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! [they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]

Blendin:
Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! [uses his time tape and disappears]

Bill:
Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces...

Creature:
Eighty-eight different faces!!

Bill:
Whoa-ho, sorry! Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony! Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably.

Lazy Susan:
[groans, unfreezes] Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces.

Bill:
Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. [pats her back, she turns back into stone] But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! [the creatures fly out of the pyramid] Ah, global domination. I could get used to- [the creatures slam into the forcefield] WHAT?! [flies out and touches the forcefield] Hmm... this might be more complicated than I thought.

Paci-Fire:
I think I broke something.

Bill:
WALK IT OFF!

Bill:
All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound INFINITE POWER, [summons a thunderstorm as the Henchmaniacs flee in terror] none of us can escape the borders of this STUPID HICK TOWN?!? There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? [looks at the petrified Ford] Hmm... [his eye cycles through images of the Journals] Maybe someone needs to come out of retirement.

Keyhole:
Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak!

Bill:
[laughs] Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of titanium not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. [looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance] Things just got a little more interesting...

Dipper:
[pants] Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real world!!

[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]

Dipper:
Hey!

Waffle Guard:
Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. [people mutter indistinctly] Prepare to be banished from this land forever! [open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]

Dipper:
Mabel!! You're smarter than this!! Bill has you hypnotized or something!! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?!

Mabel:
No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way.

Waffle Guard:
Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. [is bitten by Soos] Hey! Seriously?!

Soos:
[pointing to a stuffed rhino] It was him.

Dipper:
Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever!

Dippy Fresh:
Hey, take a chill pill! Those grow on trees here!

Dipper:
[angry] You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh!

Soos:
Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog!

Dipper:
Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you.

Dipper:
Mabel, I thought you were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together.

Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein:
ORDER! ORDER! (Bangs mallet) ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?!

Mabel:
You mean it? You're really coming home with me?

Dipper:
Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug?

[Crowd shrieks]

Blue Bird:
Just don't do it!

Craz:
DON'T DO IT!

Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein:
You do this and it's all over!

Mabel:
Sincere sibling hug. (Hugs Dipper)

Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein:
DON'T DO THE PATS!

Dipper and Mabel:
(Pat each other) Pat pat. (A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear)

Mabel:
(Rubs eyes) Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week?

[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]

Xyler:
Whoa! We survived! [they stand up, Craz spits confetti]

Craz:
But where are we? [they walk to a bench and sit down]

Xyler:
Are we real? Is this reality? [they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction] Cats postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.

Craz:
Totally righteous, bro!

Xyler:
I know!

Larry King's Head:
Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums.

Stan:
Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes.

Jeff the Gnome:
Hey! I'm short, not deaf!

Stan:
Shh, shh! Stress will make you chewy!

Ford:
Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me.

Bill:
Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a multidimensional makeover. [spins around, showing his 3D form, and rearranges Ford and the room's furniture] I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself! But I wasn't always this way. [clicks his fingers, making Ford and everything else fall to the floor] You think those chains are tight? [his eye shows a planet on a two-dimensional plane] Imagine living in the Second Dimension: flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams. [the planet burns up and screams are heard] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. [projects an image of himself pushing against the dome around Gravity Falls in frustration] As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in.

Ford:
Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago!

Bill:
And did you find a way to undo it?

Ford:
Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you!

Bill:
Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. [projects an image of himself and the Henchmaniacs wreaking havoc on Earth and the universe] Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! [shows a maniacal, galaxy-sized Ford in the centre of the Milky Way] You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help.

Ford:
You're insane if you think I'll help you!

Bill:
[laughs] I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]

Ford:
Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. [Bill returns to physical form] You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in!

Bill:
[sighs, chains Ford up] You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! [Ford screams in terror]

Soos:
Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords.

McGucket:
What's an anime?

Soos:
We have much to discuss.

Stan:
Discuss nothing! These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash! Excuse my French.

French Lilliputian:
Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir! [Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]

[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]

Soos:
[through a microphone] Uh, hey, dudes! Is this thing on? Test! [feedback screeches, annoying the demons] Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. [pointing at Paci-Fire] Hey, you're a little cutie.

Paci-Fire:
[darkly] I have butchered millions on countless moons.

Soos:
Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy.

[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]

Bill:
(frustrated) Guys, seriously? You had, like, one job to do here!

Ford:
Bravo, Dipper and Mabel!

Bill:
...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. DON'T YOU?!

Ford:
What are you--? Oh. Oh, no!

Bill:
Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk!

[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]

Bill:
AAAARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?!

Bill:
Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids!

Dipper:
No! Don't do it!

Mabel:
Yeah, Bill makes bad deals!

Bill:
Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! [his eye shows an image of a galaxy] I SEE EVERYTHI-- [Mabel sprays it with paint] OW! Not again! Why?! Every time!

Stan:
Nice shot, pumpkin!

Bill:
I just regenerated that eye!

Mabel:
I know that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times!

Bill:
You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! [morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form] SEE YA REAL SOON!

Stan:
No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?!

Ford:
[frantically bangs on cage bars] Kids!

Bill:
When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!

Stan:
Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! [sadly drops down due to remorse about the current situation] Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup.

Ford:
[sighs sadly] Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. [drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]

Stan:
How did things get so messed up between us?

Ford:
We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it?

Stan:
Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. [Ford stands up] Whoa, where are you going?

Ford:
[sadly and reluctantly]I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free.

Stan:
[horrified] What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?!

Ford:
Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind.

Stan:
[beat] What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything.

Ford:
[chuckles] There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids.

Stan:
Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal?

Ford:
What other choice do we have?

Bill:
[holding on to terrified twins and returns to the main room] All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! [eye scrolls between the pine tree image from Dipper's hat and the shooting star image from Mabel's sweater] EENY... MEENY... MINEY... [eye seems to settle on Mabel after ending on the shooting star image from Mabel’s sweater] YOU!!! [raises his left hand and prepares to snap his fingers to kill Mabel once and for all until "Ford" interrupts him]

Stan:
[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice] Wait! I surrender.

Bill:
Good choice. [drops Dipper and Mabel and approaches Stan and Ford]

Ford:
[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice] Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe!

Stan:
It’s the only way!

Bill:
HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. [drops the cage and ties up Ford]

Stan:
My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go!

Bill:
Fine!

Dipper:
No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him!

Bill:
It's a...DEAL! [Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form. Laughs evilly and enters Stan’s mind as Stan gasps in horror]

Bill:
Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi-- [opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]

Stan:
[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]

Bill:
WHAT?!

Stan:
Heh-heh! Do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart! Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it.

[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and reluctantly aims it at Stan to completely erase Stan’s memories]

Bill:
[horrified and furious] What?! The deal's off! [furiously turns to leave, but the door slams shut and blue flames begin to fill the room] What the--?! No, no, no, NO!

Stan:
Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh?

Bill:
[panicked] Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?!

Stan:
[shrugging] Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway.

Bill:
Let me outta here! Let me OUT! [desperately tries to use his powers to escape Stan’s mind, to no avail] Why isn't this working?!

Stan:
Hey, look at me. [angrily] Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family!

Bill:
[terrified] You're making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! PLEASE! No...! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! [begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:] A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN! STANLEEEEY...!!! [Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]

Stan:
[before being engulfed by the flames, he fondly looks at a picture of him with Dipper, Mabel and Waddles] Heh. Guess I was good for something after all.

[last lines of the series]

Dipper:
[voiceover] If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting.