Histeria!

Ivar the Boneless:
My brothers and I are leaving on a six-month loot and pillage of England, and we're looking for a ship with a savage countenance.

Chit Chatterson:
Well, Boney, you've come to the right place! I've just the thing - one of our big, BIG sellers! On sale today only, we call it the terrifying King of the Jungle! [reveals a ship with a kitten figurehead]

Ivar the Boneless:
It's a kitty!

Chit Chatterson:
No, it's a ferocious jungle cat! ROARR!

Ivar the Boneless:
It's a kitty! I can't invade England with a kitty on the front of my boat!

Chit Chatterson:
Are you kidding? This thing will strike terror in their souls! It will send people running!

Ivar the Boneless:
Only if they're allergic to kitties. I need something fierce!

Chit Chatterson:
He's fierce!

Ivar the Boneless:
He's smiling!

Chit Chatterson:
No he's not!

Ivar the Boneless:
That's one of those inscrutible little kitty smiles!

Chit Chatterson:
No, he's thinking!

Ivar the Boneless:
[sarcastically] Oh, thinking! Great! "Here come the Vikings, they're going to think us to death! Oh, my brain's filled with thoughts! Run for your lives!"

Chit Chatterson:
Now now, Boneless baby, look at those eyes! They say, "I'm angry!" They say, "I'm dangerous!" They say--

Ivar the Boneless:
They say, "Meow," he's a happy little kitten!

Chit Chatterson:
I happen to know he's not the least bit happy. He's actually rather sad.

Ivar the Boneless:
Oh, even better! "Run everyone! Here come the Sad Kitty Vikings! Look out or we'll depress you! Ooooh!"

Chit Chatterson:
Okay, you want something fierce?

Ivar the Boneless:
Well, that's the concept! Something that'll strike fear and make entire nations surrender and bow to us!

Chit Chatterson:
I have just what you're looking for - the dreaded dragon! [reveals a figurehead of a duckling]

Ivar the Boneless:
No, that's not a dragon.

Chit Chatterson:
Sure it is; a fire-breathing dragon! ROARR!

Ivar the Boneless:
No it's not, it's a duckie!

Chit Chatterson:
Excuse me! Hello? A duckie? Earth to Boneless! That's a fire-breathing dragon!

Ivar the Boneless:
With a beak and feathers?!

Chit Chatterson:
Have you ever seen a real dragon?

Ivar the Boneless:
No.

Chit Chatterson:
They have beaks and feathers!

Ivar the Boneless:
Not on my ship, they don't!

Chit Chatterson:
We have a new design that just came in! We call it, Leader of the Wolfpack! [reveals a figurehead of a puppy] Whaddaya think?

Ivar the Boneless:
I think you're deranged.

Chit Chatterson:
Whaat?!

Ivar the Boneless:
It's a puppy!

Chit Chatterson:
No, it's a wol-uf! Howling at the moon! AH-OOOOOH!

Ivar the Boneless:
It's a newborn puppy who's just done a naughty! Look, I don't think you're grasping the concept here. I want to soar over the waves with a ferocious figurehead on my ship!

Chit Chatterson:
Soar, yes! How about a hawk, vicious, sweeping down for the kill?

Ivar the Boneless:
Now you're talking!

Chit Chatterson:
There ya go! [reveals a figurehead of a butterfly]

Ivar the Boneless:
Hmm. Doesn't exactly resemble a hawk, does it?

Chit Chatterson:
Sure that's a hawk all right, streaking through the sky! HAWWK! HAWWK!

Ivar the Boneless:
Don't hawks have sharp talons, you know, CLAWS?

Chit Chatterson:
Not always.

Ivar the Boneless:
I think they do!

Chit Chatterson:
They trim their claws!

Ivar the Boneless:
What?!

Chit Chatterson:
For special occasions, they trim them!

Ivar the Boneless:
No they don't!

Chit Chatterson:
Sure, for formal occasions!

Ivar the Boneless:
Oh stop! It's not a hawk at all!

Chit Chatterson:
Yes it is!

Ivar the Boneless:
It's a butterfly!

Chit Chatterson:
No!

Ivar the Boneless:
Yes, a pretty butterfly, fluttering across the water!

Chit Chatterson:
Hmm, hmm... I don't see it.

Ivar the Boneless:
There's nothing scary here at all, is there?

Chit Chatterson:
Well...

Ivar the Boneless:
It's like all your ship's figureheads are being designed by a three-year-old!

Chit Chatterson:
Oh, that's just not true!

Ivar the Boneless:
No?

Chit Chatterson:
No! Actually, I don't think he's over twelve months. [camera pans to reveal Big Fat Baby designing figureheads]

Doc Holiday:
No if anyone says that again, I'll kill them.

Miss Information:
Oh my fortunately, we've run out of time.

Miss Information:
But before we go, I'd like to bring out a special guest.

Bugs Bunny:
Eh what's up doc?

Doc Holiday:
Alright that does it I've had it.

Bill Straitman:
Hello, and greetings from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. We're here today with Hakon the Good, king of Norway during the tenth century, and one of the great Viking leaders and warriors.

Hakon the Good:
Glad to be here, Bill!

Bill Straitman:
Hakon's brought along some weapons to share with us.

Hakon the Good:
That's right!

Bill Straitman:
Now I understand that great Viking warriors such as yourself like to name their swords.

Hakon the Good:
True, Bill!

Bill Straitman:
Brave names like Excalibur and so on.

Hakon the Good:
Yes!

Bill Straitman:
Fierce names; brutal, bloody names.

Hakon the Good:
That is correct!

Bill Straitman:
Well, tell us, what is this one called?

Hakon the Good:
Oh, this one here? This is Bob! Bob the Sword! [pronounces "sword" with a loud "w" sound]

Bill Straitman:
Bob?

Hakon the Good:
Right! And that's Timmy over there! And right here is Greta! Greta likes Timmy, don't you, Greta? [as Greta] "That's right! I want to marry Timmy!" [as himself] But not if Bob has anything to say about it! Right, Bob? [as Bob] "That's right! You can't marry Timmy; I want to marry you!" [as Greta] "But I love Timmy!" [as Bob] "Too bad! You're marryin' me!" [as Timmy] "Over my dead body!" says Timmy! [as Bob] "Oh yeah?!" [as Timmy] "Yeah!" [as Bob] "Well then, let's go at it!" [begins fighting with himself using the swords, falling over backwards] "Hey, get offa me!" [as Timmy] "Oh, you're askin' for it! Here comes Dicky Boy!" [grabs a nearby axe and speaks with a new voice as Dicky] "Stand aside, Greta; I'll take care of these two!"

Bill Straitman:
Apparently, Hakon's helmet is a touch too tight. Thank you and so long from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. AAAAHH!

Hakon the Good:
[as Bob] "Come back here, you! I'm not finished with you yet!" [as Greta] "I won't have you runnin' away from you!"

Nostradamus: Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, [the lamb was sure to go, but in Germany where] There was a scary man named Hitler!

René Descartes:
I drink, therefore I must visit the restroom. No... I wink, therefore I flirt with girls. Nooo! I sink, therefore I must take svimming lessons!

René Descartes:
[answering the door] What do you want?!

Charity Bazaar:
I'm not happy.

René Descartes:
Neither am I!!

Cho-Cho:
Hi mistah! Wanna buy a magazine? I've got Time and Sports Illustrated, Fortune, People, Entertainment Weekly, Highlights...

René Descartes:
No! Go away!

Cho-Cho:
Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the windmill this morning! Right, Lucky Bob?

Lucky Bob:
Yes!

Toast:
Pizza's here!

René Descartes:
What?

Toast:
Here's your pepperoni pizza with extra barbecue sauce, hold the anchovies.

René Descartes:
I didn't order any pizza!

Toast:
Yeah ya did, I got the order right here.

René Descartes:
That is not my address; this is for Galileo. He lives in Italy.

Toast:
Well, I don't think I can get there in a half-hour or less.

Aka Pella:
Like, mister, are you okay?

Toast:
I think the dude's having a nervous breakdown.

René Descartes:
Oh, you think so, do you?! Well, I think that -- Think? Think! That's it! "I think, therefore I am!" I did it! I did it, huhuhu! [in singsong] I found a basic axiom upon which to be acknowledged!

Toast:
Spare me the details, brainy-dude. Can I get paid for the pizza now?

René Descartes:
No no no, wait wait, I'm on a role! "I think, therefore I am!" Don't you see? It is so simple! If I think, then I exist. If I don't think, then I don't exist! Now I can solve any mystery known to man! Go ahead, ask me something! Something!

Toast:
Who's gonna pay for this pizza?

René Descartes:
I--I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I can't think! Therefore I am-- [suddenly vanishes]

Toast:
Gone, chuh! The dude stiffed me!

Loud Kiddington:
What a gyp!!

Toast:
Hey! Don't disappear on me, deadbeat philosopher dude! Think yourself back into existence! Somebody's gotta pay for the pie, man!

Father Time:
[about Alexander the Great naming cities after himself] But for travelers, it could get confusing.

Toast:
Yo, excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to Alexandria?

World's Oldest Woman:
Sure thing, bubby. Just head southeast into Persia, cross the Zambrose Mountains, and when you hit Afghanistan, turn right at Kabul. You can't miss it.

Toast:
Whoa, that's kinda far. Uh, how about Alexandria?

World's Oldest Woman:
OK, y'know where Merv and Central Asia used to be?

Toast:
Yeah.

World's Oldest Woman:
Bingo!

Toast:
Central Asia, huh? Well, what about Alexandria?

World's Oldest Woman:
Ohboy, darlin', you just went right past it! Just turn around and make tracks about 1200 kilometers worth, and when you hit the Libyan Border, hang a right to the Mediterranean Sea. Then you row-row-row your boat, uno-dos-tres, and when you find yourself around a bunch of naked armless statues, you're there!

Toast:
Uh... well, that really sounds out of the way. Do you think Alexandria would be closer?

World's Oldest Woman:
Oh, you mean that Alexandria! Dreamboat, you're here!

George Washington:
[narrating] And so the British Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which taxed newspapers, playing cards, and all printed material imported by the colonies. The American colonists were not happy.

Charity Bazaar:
We're not happy.

Pule Houser:
Hey, this tax is unfair!

Froggo:
We won't pay! [Redcoats surround them and cock their guns.] Unless they make us.

George Washington:
Then in 1767, Parliament passed the Townend act, which taxed tea, paper, glass, and lots of other items. Now the colonists were even less happy.

[The Redcoats surround Froggo, Charity, and Pule with their guns again.]

Charity Bazaar:
Now we're even less happy.

Father Time:
The place, Boston Harbor. The date, December 16, 1773. Tea time, 4 PM sharp! But does the party start on time?! Noooo!

Samuel Adams:
Well, Lendall Pitts, Paul Revere, and I were running a little late.

Father Time:
For guys who're gonna be called Minutemen, you'd think one of them could wear a watch!

Froggo:
Five colonists were killed by the King's Redcoats [in the Boston Massacre].

Ghost of Lead Colonist:
Boy, and this made us so unhappy you wouldn't believe it!

Redcoat:
This is a tea party, isn't it?

Samuel Adams:
Yes sir, this may be remembered as the biggest tea party in history, sir!

Redcoat:
Well, it won't be remembered for its abundance of tea, will it?

Native American #1:
We would like to express our displeasure with the Colonists' choice to disguise themselves as Native Americans.

Native American #2:
Their whooping and hollering perpetuates the stereotype that Native Americans are savages.

Native American #1:
We are a peace-loving people who only use a war cry in battle to intimidate our enemies.

Native American #2:
And when we're playing Yahtzee!

Native Americans:
[in unison] YAHTZEE! [run about whooping and hollering]

Father Time:
Everyone be very, very quiet. The slightest sound could make this whole place crumble to pieces.

Miss Information:
I just hope there's no truth to the curse of King Tut's tomb.

Loud Kiddington:
Curse?! There's a curse?!

Miss Information:
Quiet!

Loud Kiddington:
What kind of a curse?!

Miss Information:
Shh!

Loud Kiddington:
I didn't know there was a curse!

Miss Information:
Shh! The walls could collapse on all of us.

Loud Kiddington:
I don't want to hear about any curse!

Fetch:
I'm with him!

Father Time:
That's right! Your very first wet nurse!

Toast:
Uh... what's a wet nurse?

Announcer:
And now, a word from Noah Webster.

Noah Webster:
Wet nurse. Noun, meaning a woman who cares for and suckles children not of her own.

Crowd:
Eww, gross!

Toast:
Intense reekage!

Charity Bazaar:
I'm really not happy.

Lydia Karaoke:
And I had such high hopes for this show.

Lydia Karaoke:
I'm officially writing a letter of complaint to myself!

Cho-Cho:
As the great Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said...

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles must always begin with a single step.

[Big Fat Baby wanders to the edge of the stairs and falls down them.]

Cho-Cho:
This is going to be a long trip!

Confucius:
Never belch before a lady.

Froggo:
Sorry! [points to Charity] I didn't know it was her turn.

Father Time:
1766 B.C. brought with it the Shan Dynasty, which led to the use of bows, arrows, and spears.

Froggo:
Spears for fighting our enemies.

Loud Kiddington:
ARROWS FOR DEFENDING OUR FAMILIES!!

Pepper Mills:
And bows for final touches on our snappy hairstyles! Ahahahaha! I love it!

Pepper Mills:
[in response to getting Benjamin Franklin's autograph] Thank you thank you thank. Hey, you're not Richard Gere! And what are you doing in this episode about China? That is kooky!

Father Time:
Hi gang, Pop Quiz here! We ask several historical questions for our players then act flabbergasted at their overwhelming ignorance!

Lucky Bob:
My friends call me Lucky Bob.

Father Time:
Do you want me to call you Lucky Bob?

Lucky Bob:
That would make you my friend.

Father Time:
No thanks.

Father Time:
If you're through, I'll introduce challenger #2, whose name is...

Susanna Susquahanna:
[pushes her buzzer] Thuthanna Thuthquahanna.

Father Time:
I thought it was Susanna Susquahanna.

Susanna Susquahanna:
That'th what I thaid.

Father Time:
Oh very good then. We have Bob and Thuthanna.

Susanna Susquahanna:
That'th true.

Father Time:
Sorry, no points for getting your own name right.

Confucius:
Okay that's it there's plenty more about China but we're out of time we'll have to wait until next time for another episode of. Miss Information.

Miss Information:
Histeria!

Loud Kiddington:
[regarding Lady Godiva riding through town naked] See it!! See it!! See it!! [swings away] Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! [swings back] See it!! See it!! See it!! (swings away) Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! ...and I don't wanna see it!!

Loud Kiddington:
Lord Caesar!! Bad news!! There's a plot against your life!!

Julius Caesar:
Are you sure?

Loud Kiddington:
Yes, Lord Caesar!!

Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman):
Oh, Jules... Mommy needs a little help with the choker!

Julius Caesar:
Get me my chariot!

Loud Kiddington:
Lord Caesar, where are you going?!

Julius Caesar:
To the Senate, where else?

Loud Kiddington:
But the assassins wait for you there!! It could mean certain death!!

Julius Caesar:
I know, I know, yippee!

Loud Kiddington:
What a nut!!

Loud Kiddington:
Bad news, Lord Anthony!! Octavian's forces have surrounded the city!!

Mark Anthony:
Really?

Loud Kiddington:
Yeah, situation stinks!

Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman):
Oh, Anthony honey... You favorite Queen of the Nile needs a back loofah!

Mark Anthony:
Yeah, well, uh, hmm. To the front!

Loud Kiddington:
But Lord Anthony, we're outnumbered twenty to one!! The front will mean your certain doom!!

Mark Anthony:
I know, haha, I know. Oh, well. Bottoms up!

Loud Kiddington:
He's a nut too!!

Montezuma:
Well I hope you have enjoyed our little trip through Mesoamerica today I'd like to thank all of my guests. But, it seems that cortez and his conquistador cockroaches have runned them off. But no manner, I'll let bygones be bygones because that's just the kind of man I am. And so my friends, I'm Montezuma the great speaker bid you farewell from.

Father Time:
Histeria!

Loud Kiddington:
Hey folks, Loud Kiddington here! And just when you thought your Stone Age life couldn't get any better, along comes... the wheel!

Fetch:
It's the biggest thing since the rock!

Loud Kiddington:
My dog Fetch here will eat bat guano if I don't sell you a wheel.

Fetch:
Eat what?!

Loud Kiddington:
Yes, the wheel! All new for 3002 B.C.!

Fetch:
I'm not eatin' bat guano!

Loud Kiddington:
We'll discuss it later.

Fetch:
No we won't!

Loud Kiddington:
So come on down to Sumeria and buy a wheel! 'Cause if you don't, my dog Fetch here will eat a big pile of elephant plop!

Fetch:
Say what?!

Kid Chorus:
[singing] Go see Loud, go see Loud, go see Loud!

Loud Kiddington:
We'll see you here!

Fetch:
I quit!!

Loud Kiddington:
Howdy, Carthaginians! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a buffalo chip!

Fetch:
Say what?!

Loud Kiddington:
Yes sir, it's a giant year-end beast of burden blow-out! Check out these savings! Here's a nifty model - take a test drive on the all-new Lipizzaners!

Hannibal:
Wussies!

Loud Kiddington:
Or for rugged terrain, try our four-by-four all-weather oxen!

Hannibal:
Puny!

Loud Kiddington:
Or for something even tougher, we can fix you up with your very own Teamsters!

Hannibal:
Disgusting!

Loud Kiddington:
Howdy Roman citizens! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a meadow muffin!

Fetch:
Huh? What's with this kid?

Miss Information:
And to our right is the great Cathaginian general Hannibal...

Hannibal:
That's Mr. Hannibal to you.

Miss Information:
...who is plottin' a surprise invasion on Rome itself.

Hannibal:
Would somebody call security?!

Hannibal:
It's not snack time! I want your opinion.

Toast:
Oh, well, I'd lose the hat, dude. It reeks.

Hannibal:
No, not my wardrobe! If you were going to invade Rome, which way would you go?

Toast:
[stares at the map and turns it upside-down] Uh... let's see...

Hannibal:
[points to map] It's right here!!

Toast:
Oh, right, gotcha. Uh... okay, I would go, like, uh... this way?

Hannibal:
Of course you would! Because you have the I.Q. of a fence! Which is precisely why we will go through the Alps, and invade from the North instead! Assemble the troops!

Toast:
Woah, check me out! I'm like, a military strategist. That's pretty cool, huh?

Father Time:
In 218 B.C., Hannibal finally reached the Italian border.

Hannibal:
Prepare to meet the wrath of the great Hannibal, you Roman dogs!

[Loud and Fetch suddenly appear in his path.]

Kid Chorus:
It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!

Hannibal:
Now what?!

Loud Kiddington:
Howdy, Hannibal!

Fetch:
Your lease on the elephants is up, and you've exceeded your mileage!

Hannibal:
Huh?

Loud Kiddington:
That'll be 10,000 dinari!

Fetch:
Payment due!

Hannibal:
[laughs] I'm Hannibal! The greatest general the world's ever known! I don't pay bills! Now get out of my way before I turn you into roadkill!

Loud Kiddington:
Have it your way! [He claps his hands twice, causing the elephants to sling their riders into the dirt. Loud and the Kid Chorus taunt them from atop an elephant.] So long, deadbeats!

Miss Information:
One last question, Cleo. Why do you wear a snake on your head?

Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman):
What?! There's a snake on my head?! Get it off, get if off, get it off, get it off me!!

Ivan Vasilyevich (Froggo):
I'm tsar. Behold me!

Father Time:
Unfortunately...[He is interrupted by Big Fat Baby falling off a barrel.]...this transition from superstition to science was a slow one.

Big Fat Baby:
(off-screen) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Teacher:
OK class, you have three apples and then you pick two more. What do ya have?

Charity Bazaar:
A bunch of stuff.

Teacher:
Uh, close enough. Ok, what do you have if I take away three?

Charity Bazaar:
Not so much stuff.

Teacher:
Uh, close enough.

Father Time:
In 1489, the plus and minus signs first came into use.

Charity Bazaar:
[holding up a paper graded with an F-] You know, I wish I could go back to the good old days.

Chit Chatterson:
Listen, Ive, now that you're tsar, you need to add a "the" to your name.

Ivan Vasilyevich (Froggo):
Huh?

Chit Chatterson:
You know, like Attila the Hun, William the Conqueror? I've got a list of suggestions for you, compiled by our oppreresive despot search department!

Ivan Vasilyevich:
Go on.

Chit Chatterson:
OK, how about Ivan the Icky?

Ivan Vasilyevich:
WHAT?! No!

Chit Chatterson:
I agree, very bad. OK, here's a good one - Ivan the Disagreeable! I like that one. It says you're mean but you can still be reasoned with.

Ivan Vasilyevich:
Absolutely not!

Chit Chatterson:
Ivan the Finicky?

Ivan Vasilyevich:
No!

Chit Chatterson:
Ivan the Colicky?

Ivan Vasilyevich:
No!

Chit Chatterson:
Okay let's see, what else, what else? Ah! Ooh, this is you! You're gonna love this one, Ivey baby - Ivan the Naughty!

Ivan Vasilyevich:
GET OUT! GET OUT! Aaaaaaah!

Chit Chatterson:
Ivan, you're terrible!

Ivan Vasilyevich:
That's it!

Chit Chatterson:
Faboo! I knew we could work something out, Ivan, the Terrible! Can I just call you "Bl" for short?

Ivan Vasilyevich:
NO! [kicks Chit out] Guards, off with his head!

Miss Information:
In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and to commemorate his historic journey, each year we celebrate Columbus Day with big parades and shamrocks and leprechauns and people wearin' green clothes!

Christopher Columbus:
That's St. Patrick's Day! All my day is famous for is the half-off men's underwear sale.

Father Time:
The year, 245 BC. The place, Circue, Sicily. The scientist, Archimedes, Greek mathematician known as the father of geometry.

Geometry (Pule Houser):
Hi pop, I'm home.

Archimedes (Chit Chatterson):
Geometry son, what happened?

Geometry:
Well, my classmates beat me up again!

Archimedes:
It's sad. A lot of kids seem to hate Geometry!

Archimedes:
[regarding his son Geometry being constantly beaten up] Ooooh, poor kid! I should've listened to his mother and named him Recess!

Jenny McCarthy:
Next up is Frederich Nietchze, who philisophized about the ideal individual being liberated from traditional values. He called his creation the Ubernietchze, or Superman.

Frederich Nietchze:
[sitting next to Superman] I created him, but Varner Brothers controls the licensing rights! I DON'T GET A DIME!!

Christopher Columbus:
Note to self: Never again hire anyone from Cabin Crews R Us.

Chistopher Columbus:
Crow's nest! You see anything?

Loud Kiddington:
LEMMIE CHECK, CAPTAIN! [peers through periscope] OH MY GOSH!! STRAIGHT AHEAD! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!

Christopher Columbus:
What is it?

Loud Kiddington:
GUESS!

Christopher Columbus:
Land?

Loud Kiddington:
[imitates buzzer] OH, I'M SO SORRY, NO! IT'S WATER!! YES, WATER! MILES AND MILES OF WATER! BUT WAIT! WHAT'S OVER THERE?! OH MY GOLLY! MORE WATER! WAIT! HOW ABOUT THAT THERE!? GUESS WHAT! MORE WATER! [tosses periscope away] YESTERDAY, WATER! THE DAY BEFORE, WATER! FOR THE PAST 70 DAYS, WATER! NOTHING BUT WATER! [face turning red] YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE, CAPTAIN!?

Christopher Columbus:
I think the crow's nest needs a little vacae.

Christopher Columbus:
Santa Maria! Can't you take that smelly baby somewhere else?!

Charity Bazaar:
Well, captain, this is the poopdeck.

Froggo:
Captain Columbus, sir?

Christopher Columbus:
Yes, what is it?

Froggo:
We've finished cleaning your maps.

Christopher Columbus:
Cleaning my maps?

Lucky Bob:
Yes now!

Froggo:
We wiped off those squiggly red lines that someone drew all over them.

Christopher Columbus:
You did WHAT?!!? I drew those lines after spending hours upon hours, calculating our exact course! Now I have no idea where we are! Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Toast:
What's with him, bro?

Froggo:
I'm not sure, but I think we erased his math homework.

Miss Information:
And so it was in 1492 that Christopher Columbus, with a little help from his friends, found America!

Toast:
Guh! I didn't know it was missing!

Toast:
Totally excuse us, captain-dude! But it's time for us to clean out your quarters!

Froggo:
And when we're finished, we'll clean out your dimes and nickels.

Froggo:
I wanna go on that choo-choo, I wanna go on that choo-choo.

Pepper Mills:
Hi, I'm Pepper Mills! Y'know, working on Histeria!, I've gotten to meet some of the biggest names in the world! For instance, this is me and the girl who is not Sabrina the Teenage Witch! Here I am with the guy who's not Leonardo DiCaprio! And this is me with the people who are not the cast of 60 Minutes! Ahahahaha! I love people! And now, back to Histeria!

Charity Bazaar:
[My friends are] all completely crazy.

Harriet Tubman:
I agree.

Charity Bazaar:
You and I are the only sane ones here.

Harriet Tubman:
I think you're right.

Charity Bazaar:
So... wanna fly with me to Mars on the mothership?

Harriet Tubman:
What?! No way!

Charity Bazaar:
[sighs] I guess I'm the only sane one here after all.

Chorus:
Hey you troops it's time to end the show General Sherman marched to the sea and he defeated his foe! He's ready to burn down more, Robert E. Lee is very sore, So let's say good-bye to Sherman's Campsite!

General Sherman:
At ease.

General Sherman:
Mission accomplished troops and thanks to us, the tide of the Civil War has turned it's favor of the north.

General Sherman:
And of course we would never have done it without the plan that I like to call

Loud Kiddington:
Total war.

Genghis Khan:
Who keeps letting these kids in? The great Khan is tryin' to relax! Hello?! I'm guessing someone in security wants to lose his head over this!

Toast:
Ho-oh! Sorry about about that, great Khan dude. We got a little distracted.

Froggo:
The WB is running the Sister, Sister marathon. Oh, how they make us laugh.

Father Time:
In history, Stalin was a despot, a murderer, a Communist dictator. But on The WB, he's the star of his own sitcom, My Buddy Stalin!

Pepper Mills:
Hey! you're not Elmer Fudd! Gypola!

Loud Kiddington:
DUCK!!

Daffy Duck:
Will you knock that off?! Sheesh! A bird could develop a complex around here!

Edgar Allan Poe:
I've just completed a rewrite we can all be proud of! Johnathan Livingston's Seagull is now a bloodthirsty vampire bat named Caroline, who is mysteriously compelled to fly into the propellor of an airplane, on the first page! [laughs evilly]

Basho:
It is still too long! [screams and slices Poe's book in half]

Loud Kiddington:
Hey Emperor!

Qin Shi Huangdi:
Oww! With the yelling and the screaming and the ear. What is it?

Loud Kiddington:
We're all finished, coach!

Qin Shi Huangdi:
Really?

Loud Kiddington:
Yup! The job is done!

[Huangdi's jaw drops after seeing what Loud points to.]

Qin Shi Huangdi:
What is that?

Loud Kiddington:
What you asked for! That's your Great Mall!

Qin Shi Huangdi:
[makes monkey noises and hits Loud in the head with his hat a few times] I said wall, not mall.

Loud Kiddington:
Whoa. Imagine my embarrassment.

Qin Shi Huangdi:
What is a lanyard?

Aka Pella:
It's these little things you weave at camp from plastic strips.

Pule Houser:
Yeah, and you give them to you mom, and she goes "Oh, sweetie, this is so cute. I love it bluh".

Charity Bazaar:
And you both know it's kind of lame, but she uses it as a key chain anyway.

Aka Pella:
Because she loves your heiny.

William Shakespeare:
’’’ Alas Big Fat Baby I knew you well.

Father Time:
’’’ Well it looks like the sands have almost run out for today’s show and as William Shakespeare always likes to say.

William Shakespeare:
’’’ Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Miss Information:
’’’ Which means adios muchachos.

’’’Father Time:
’’’ See you again next time on.

’’’Lydia Karaoke:
’’’ Histeria!

Froggo:
Do you have a bag of marshmallows and a crate of leeches I can borrow?

Orville Wright:
Umm... no.

Froggo:
NO?! NO?! OH NOO! NO, IT CAN'T BE!! AAAHHHHH!!!!

[To the beat of Green Eggs and Ham]

Loud Kiddington:
I am Loud Kiddington, Loud Kiddington is me!

Would you like some broccoli?

George Bush:
I do not like this broccoli.

I do not like it, let me be.

Loud Kiddington:
Would you like it with some corn?

Eaten from a flugelhorn?

George Bush:
I do not like it with some corn,

Eaten from a flugelhorn.

I do not like this broccoli,

Now go away and let me be!

Loud Kiddington:
How about here on Air Force One?

How about with a toasted bun?

George Bush:
No, not here on Air Force One,

No, not with a toasted bun.

I would not like it with some corn,

Eaten from a flugelhorn.

I do not like this broccoli,

Now go away and let me be!

Loud Kiddington:
Would you, could you, yes maybe?

Eat some with Big Fat Baby?

George Bush:
Ah! I could not, would not, no maybe.

Not even with Big Fat Baby.

I do not like this broccoli,

now go away and let me be!

Loud Kiddington:
How about in your limousine,

Eaten with a beauty queen?

George Bush:
No, not in my limousine,

Not even with a beauty queen!

I could not, would not, no maybe.

Not even with Big Fat Baby.

No, not up on Air Force One,

Not even with a toasted bun.

I would like it with some corn

Eaten from a flugelhorn.

I do not like this broccoli,

NOW GO AWAY AND LET ME BE!

Loud Kiddington:
Try it and i think you'll see,

That you will lIke this broccoli.

George Buush:
If i try this broccoli,

Will you go away and let me be?

Loud Kiddington:
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

[George Bush eats the broccoli and starts to choke, spits it out and runs away after that]

Loud Kiddington:
We kids thank you, President Bush,

For your stand on that green mush.

Now we can shout with pride and glee,

Loud, Pepper, Aka, Susanna, Toast, Cho-Cho, Lucky Bob, Pule Houser and Froggo:
WE DO NOT LIKE THAT BROCCOLI!

Daniel Boone:
All right, y'all scram! Git out the way!

Charity Bazaar:
No. I will not let you devastate this innocent creature's home. I would rather die than let you ruin this land.

Daniel Boone:
Ah'll give ya a cookie...

Charity Bazaar:
Okay.

Loud Kiddington:
Now Charity, why do you say your teacher's a witch?

Charity Bazaar:
Well, she looks like a witch.

Molly Pitcher:
They dressed me up like this!

Loud Kiddington:
Is that true?!

Colonists:
No no no no no no no!/No way!/I should say not!

Colonist 1:
Well, the hat; we did do the hat.

Colonist 2:
And the nose.

Colonist 1:
And maybe the broom.

Colonist 2:
Right, right! Yes, the broom, I forgot about that! Oh, and a couple of the warts.

Colonist 1:
Oh yes, almost forgot about the warts!

Loud Kiddington:
OK, that's enough!

Froggo:
Do you have a bucket of worms and a keg of gunpowder?

Andrew Jackson:
No!

Froggo:
Okay, but don't come crying to me later.

[Later, after Loud informs Jackson that the war has been over for two weeks...]

Andrew Jackson:
The war's been over for two weeks! [cries on Froggo's shoulder]

Froggo:
I told you not to come crying to me later.

Andrew Jackson:
Now listen up! I'm General Andrew Jackson!

Aka Pella:
Oooh, are you related to Michael Jackson?

Andrew Jackson:
No! Although I do have an uncle who looks a lot like Tito. Now clear out! This here's no place for children.

Aka Pella:
It could be if you put in swings and a jungle gym.

Cho-Cho:
General?

Andrew Jackson:
What?

Cho-Cho:
Will you bait Lucky Bob's hook, please?

Andrew Jackson:
Huh?

Cho-Cho:
Worms give Lucky Bob the creeps.

Lucky Bob:
You are correct, sir!

Cho-Cho:
Please bait Lucky Bob's hook.

Andrew Jackson:
Why do you call him 'lucky'?

Cho-Cho:
'Cause he luckily got all the good looks in his family.

Charity Bazaar:
I don't wanna get disintegrated by a death ray. I have sensitive skin.

Father Time:
Then in 8000 BC came...

Loud Kiddington:
THE NEOLITHIC PERIOD, OR NEW STONE AGE!

Father Time:
When wild animals were tamed by farmers.

Loud Kiddington:
Including pigs!

Porky Pig:
Eh, th-t-t-t-t-t-t--

Loud Kiddington:
Chickens!

Foghorn Leghorn:
Ah'm a rooster, son, not a chicken! Pay at-ah say, pay attention, boy! Ah'm talkin' to ya! Kid doesn't listen to a word Ah say.

Loud Kiddington:
And the very first cow! [A cow falls on Foghorn.]

Miss Information':
But back then, the cow wouldn't like a peaceful creature we like today. Back then, the cow was a furious beast called the Auroch. And taming the Auroch was not an easy job.

Big Fat Baby:
Moo moo moo.

Miss Information:
But the early farmer had finally prevailed the auroch or the cow was the last major animal to be obtained as a food source.

Taz:
What food source? Why you little.

[Throughout this coversation, mosquitoes continually bite the characters.]

Toast:
Mr. President-dude! Ow! Thanks for coming and stuff.

Theodore Roosevelt:
Ow! Dee-lighted! What's wrong here, friend? Ow!

Toast:
Well - dang! - for starters, just look! Ow! Mondo disease! The canal-digging is slowing down because everyone's getting sick - ow - with malaria and yellow fever! Ow!

Theodore Roosevelt:
Hmmm... ow! The same two blasted diseases that crippled the French when they were digging the canal! Ow!

Toast:
Ow! Whaddaya think - ow! - is causing it? Ow!

Theodore Roosevelt:
Ow! I don't know. Ow!

Toast:
Could it be - ohw! - the food?

Theodore Roosevelt:
Ow! I don't think so.

Toast:
Humidity? Goh!

Theodore Roosevelt:
Ow! Doubtful. Ohw!

Toast:
Ow! Tight pants?

Theodore Roosevelt:
Nuh-uh. Ouch!

Toast:
Bean-bag babies? Ow!

Theodore Roosevelt:
Ow! Not likely.

Toast:
Smell of gin?

Theodore Roosevelt:
Who?

Toast:
Never mind. Ow!

Theodore Roosevelt:
Ow!

Toast:
Those little bobbing-head dolls?

Theodore Roosevelt:
Ow! Nope.

Toast:
Too much - ow! - pocket change?

Theodore Roosevelt:
Yeow! I don't think so.

Toast:
Tapioca pudding? Ouch!

Theodore Roosevelt:
Hey, maybe... naw. Ow!

Toast:
Ow! Anything starting with the letter Q? Ow!

Theodore Roosevelt:
No! Ow!

Toast:
Spanish peanuts? Owh!

Theodore Roosevelt:
No! Oww!

Toast:
Aliens from Mars wearing golf shoes and lipstick?

Theodore Roosevelt:
No, no, and you need help. Ow! Well, whatever it is, it's making the men sick. These pesky mosquitoes sure are driving me crazy!

Miss Information:
[Loud is] like a little firecracker, isn't he?

World's Oldest Woman:
More like a crate of dynamite!

Gutzon Borglum (Elmer Fudd):
Hold the stwing wight dere and be vewy vewy quiet. Woud noises can stawt--

Lincoln Borglum (Loud Kiddington):
WHAJDA SAY, POP?!?

Gutzon Borglum:
An avawanche!! Aaaahhh! [a boulder crushes him]

Gutzon Borglum:
Aah, finished! West and wewaxation at wast! And thanks to your help, it only took fouteen yeaws to compwete.

Lincoln Borglum:
Aww, you're only saying that because I'm your son.

Gutzon Borglum:
No, I'm saying that because working awone, I could've finished it in six yeaws!!

Loud Kiddington: [reenacting the fall of the Berlin Wall] Big Fat Baby sat on the wall! Big Fat Baby has a great fall! Despite the destruction, Baby had fun As East and West Germany united as one!

Joseph Stalin:
I am here to see my agent!

Secretary:
You got an appointment?

Joseph Stalin:
Do you know who I am!?

Secretary:
Well, you look a little like that Super Mario guy.

Charity Bazaar:
You can lead a horse to water, but it's tough to get those swim fins on his hooves.

Loud Kiddington:
Howdy Puritans and Pilgrims! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a turkey pellet!

Fetch:
Huh?! Can we talk about this?

Charity Bazaar:
We can't keep living like this.

Loud Kiddington:
You mean 'cause all us peasants are poor and starving!?

Charity Bazaar:
No, 'cause Toast is always hugging the bathroom.

Loud Kiddington:
Howdy prospectors and miners! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch here will eat an ariumu chip!

Fetch:
Huh?!

Lucky Bob:
I spy, something that begins with the letter "B".

Cho-Cho:
Blinking lights?

Lucky Bob:
Nope.

Cho-Cho:
Big moon outside window?

Lucky Bob:
No.

Cho-Cho:
Black darkness of deep outer space?

Lucky Bob:
No.

Cho-Cho:
A bagel?

Lucky Bob:
No.

Cho-Cho:
A blitz?

Lucky Bob:
No.

Caption:
55 HOURS LATER

Cho-Cho:
A bupka?

Lucky Bob:
No.

Cho-Cho:
Big Fat Flying Baby?

Lucky Bob:
No.

Cho-Cho:
A Bob who is lucky?

Lucky Bob:
Uh... no.

Cho-Cho:
Bursting blood vessels in the astronauts' necks?

Astronauts:
TELL HER ALREADY!!

Sammy Melman:
WHAT DO YOU SPY THAT BEGINS WITH A "B"?!!

Lucky Bob:
Chocolate!

Sammy Melman:
Your Honor, this trial is a circus!

Loud Kiddington:
I know! More cotton candy, please!

Sammy Melman:
Say, you seem too young to be a judge.

Loud Kiddington:
Yeah, and you seem too stupid to be a lawyer!

Sammy Melman:
Hey!!

Loud Kiddington:
No wait, I'm takin' that back! You seem stupid enough to be a lawyer!

Cho-Cho:
When I get older, I am going to be a singer and change my name to Yoko Ono.

Loud Kiddington:
[singing] 55 bottles of root beer on the wall, 55 bottles of root beer...

Charity Bazaar:
Will you be quiet? I can't stand that stupid song.

Loud Kiddington:
GREAT! YOU MADE ME FORGET WHERE I WAS! NOW I GOTTA START OVER! [singing] 99 bottles of root beer on the wall, 99 bottles of root beer...

Charity Bazaar:
I'm not happy.

Cho-Cho:
Lucky Bob, have you seen Big Fat Baby?

Lucky Bob:
Yeth now!

Cho-Cho:
Where?

Lucky Bob:
In my mashed potatoes.

Froggo:
Lucky Bob definitely needs a vacae.

Sammy Melman:
And when lightning strikes, I suppose that's not Zeus shooting at liars!

Socrates:
Well, what about when lightning hits a tree? Can a tree be a liar?

Tree:
Trees can't even talk! Hahah! [is suddenly struck by lightning] Oops!

Lydia Karaoke:
Mr. Socrates, no no no! Hi, I'm Lydia Karaoke, network censor, and we don't want consuming of poisonous beverages on Histeria! This is a kids' show!

Socrates:
But I've been sentenced to death!

Lydia Karaoke:
Well, you can't die on Histeria! Give me that!

Socrates:
Good, 'cause I'd really rather have a double grandé mocha latté and a Snickerdoodle.

Lydia Karaoke:
Now that'll kill you.

Miss Information:
We're walkin' past the famous Washington Monument, which as y'all know is named after the famous city of Washington DC.

George Washington:
Uh, ma'am, how many times do I have to tell you? The monument is named after me, George Washington.

Miss Information:
Oh really? Well, I don't think anyone calls this the George Monument, now do they?

George Washington:
Uh, no.

Miss Information:
Case dismissed! Let's hustle, people! We're walkin', we're movin', we're headin' towards the Lincoln Memorial, which of course was named after the town carver of the same name.

Froggo:
[in a spitball fight] Surrender or die!

Aka Pella:
Ha! Surrender? I'll whoop yo' bottom!

[Aka shoots a barrage of spitballs that all land in lined patterns around Froggo.]

Froggo:
She's good!

Loretta:
I have come to take over your castle! Surrender immediately and give it to me! [Froggo and Aka dump a bucket of water on him.]

Froggo:
You asked for it!

Aka Pella:
Try not to get rusted, dawg!

Loud Kiddington:
Go home, you bums!

Loretta:
This means war!

Aka Pella:
And this means "Get away from our castle", homie! [She and Froggo dump another bucket of water on Loretta.]

Toast:
Quick, dude! Get me a fan!

Loud Kiddington:
Check! [lifts in Pepper]

Pepper Mills:
Ahahaha! Sir Toastalot! [hugs Toast] You're the dreamiest!

Toast:
[still holding Pepper in arms, lifting her into the air] No, dude, the other kind of fan!

Loud Kiddington:
Double check! [Loud then sweeps Pepper away from Toast's arms and puts her in his own, and throws her out of the way. He replaces her with a giant fan.]

Kid Chorus:
[mockingly] Missed me, missed me, and now you've got to kiss me!

Loretta:
Okay, men, there will be no mistakes this time!

Kid Chorus:
[mockingly] Rally, rally, the dumb guy's name is Sally!

Lisa:
How did they know my name is Sally?

Loretta:
It's not. Your name is Lisa.

Lisa:
Right! Thanks, Loretta!

Lisa:
Can we go home now?

Loretta:
No! We're not stopping until the castle is ours. Charge!

Lisa:
Visa or Mastercard?

Loretta:
[gets stampeded over by his minions] I'm definitely over my credit limit...

Loretta:
Ha-haa! We've done it! We've finally broken through!

Lisa:
And now it's time to use our nastiest weapons!

Toast:
Yeah, dudes! Those weapons are pretty nasty, all right. But they're not as nasty as ours! Bring out the secret weapon!

Lucky Bob:
One secret weapon coming up!

[Lucky Bob loads Big Fat Baby into the kids' catapult and Aka launches him. Big Fat Baby lands in the arms of Loretta.]

Lisa:
Awwww! Look at the cute little baby! Koochie koochie koo!

[Big Fat Baby farts suddenly, causing the invaders to become queasy and faint from the smell. The Kid Chorus comes out to look at them.]

Charity Bazaar:
I'm still not happy.

Toast:
Hey, remember dudes, no matter how you fight your battles, war stinks!

[last lines of the show]

All:
Should old acquaintance be forgot? / And never brought to mind? / We’ll take a cup of kindness yet for Auld Lang Syne. / For Auld Lang Syne, my dear / for auld lang syne, / farewell to thee from Histeria! / And days of Auld Lang Syne. [cheering]

Father Time:
That’s a wrap!

Froggo:
Anybody got any lozenges?

[From a Kids' WB! promo]

Toast:
Watch Histeria!, on Kids' W--

Pepper Mills:
Hold it! "His! His! His!" It's always about guys! What about Hersteria!?

Toast:
Whoa...

Pepper Mills:
Like, you always hear about the fronitersmen. What happened to the frontierswomen?

Toast:
Whoa...

Pepper Mills:
And Thomas Jefferson? What about Thomas Jeffer's daughter?

Toast:
I never thought of that. Hey, how about Florence Nightengale, and Lawrence Nightengale?

Pepper Mills:
It's only fair!

[From another Kids' WB! promo]

Father Time:
For the greatest ideas in history, check out a library. But for the funniest idea in history, check out...

Loud Kiddington:
HISTERIA!

World's Oldest Woman:
This is a library!

Others:
Shhhhhhhh!

Father Time:
Watch Histeria!, weekday mornings on Kids' WB!

World's Oldest Woman:
...at home, where you can laugh as loud as you want.

Loud Kiddington:
BETTER!

Tribute to Tyrants:
Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman): Oh, he's so brave.