NCIS, Season 4

Tony:
Okay, there is only one thing you need to know about Officer David.

Lee:
Don't make her angry.

Tony:
So, technically, really, there's two things. The other is, she can take care of herself.

Tony:
Abby, who was that?

Abby:
Where?

Tony:
On the phone.

Abby:
Oh, um, it was the nuns.

McGee:
The nuns?

Abby:
Yep, y'know, nuns with the big white hats and the --

McGee:
Habits. Yeah, they're called habits, the white hats.

Abby:
Yep. They called… to say that bowling practice is canceled.

McGee:
[amused] Bowling nuns.

Abby:
Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?

McGee:
What?

Tony:
Okay, alright lay off the nuns

Gibbs:
Today, Ziva!

Ziva:
Okay. I may be in a little bit of trouble.

Gibbs:
Yeah? Define little.

Ziva:
I am currently on the run from the FBI, NCIS, Mossad and my father.

Gibbs:
Geez, what'd you do?

Ziva:
Target's name was Abdul Wazir. A Syrian wanted for crimes against the state of Israel. Terminated by this man, Mossad Officer Namir Eschel, my former teammate when I was stationed in Paris.

Gibbs:
Who's supposed to be dead.

Ziva:
Apparently he's gotten better.

Ziva:
Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't --

Tony:
[interrupting] I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.

Ziva:
You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.

Gibbs:
That true, Tony?

Tony:
When I need to be.

Gibbs:
Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.

Fornell:
And I certainly wouldn't have let him steal my car.

Gibbs:
Didn't, it was DiNozzo's car.

Michelle:
Is Agent Gibbs aware a warrant hasn't officially come through yet?

McGee:
I think he got it about the fifth time you told him Lee.

Gibbs:
I got this little girl who wants to go home to her dad, and that's not gonna happen without your help. So... please?

Tony:
Did Gibbs just say...?

McGee:
(stunned) Mm-hmm.

Jenny:
Fact is, you're good, the best. When you're as good at something as you are, you can make a difference like you can, you just don't quit.

Jenny:
So you're turning down a promotion because of a mustache?

Tony:
His memory is still screwed up. He called Ziva 'Kate' yesterday.

Ziva:
Oh, okay. I understand.

Tony:
Understand what?

Ziva:
You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back.

Tony:
I do not!

Ziva:
You have been whining like a little snitch all week!

Tony:
The term is 'bitch'.

Ziva:
I know. I was being polite.

Tony:
So I got used to being in charge, sue me! (goes to grab car door, so does Ziva)

Ziva:
Is there a reason why you always have to drive?

Tony:
I could say it's because I'm the senior field agent, but mostly because I want to live.

Ziva:
Then I recommend you getting unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to kill you.

[McGee is upset that Tony still calls him 'Probie']

Gibbs:
McGee, how long have I been an NCIS Special agent?

McGee:
Almost... sixteen years.

Gibbs:
Wanna take a wild guess what my first partner still calls me?

[Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers. Gibbs walks in.]

Gibbs:
[whispers to Abby] Your computer's on fire.

Abby:
[wakes up] AHH! McGee! My baby's french-frying! [starts typing furiously]

McGee:
[wakes and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!

[after a few seconds, Abby turns around]

Abby:
That is so not funny, Gibbs!

[using a computer program that predicts the features of a couple's children, Tony and Ziva get McGee to combine Gibbs and Jenny and produce a hypothetical daughter.]

Tony:
Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.

Gibbs:
Never more than once, DiNozzo.

Abby:
Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs.

Ziva:
90 second dates. I thought you were kidding me Gibbs.

Gibbs:
You'll do fine Ziva, I've had marriages shorter than that.

Ziva:
[to a suspect who has grabbed her butt] Remove your hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!

Ziva:
Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?

McGee:
Ziva thinks that all men are liars.

Tony:
Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?

Ziva:
[laughs] Particularly you.

Tony:
[grins] You think?

McGee:
Wouldn't go there, Tony.

Tony:
Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.

Ziva:
True.

Tony:
Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.

Ziva:
False.

Tony:
She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.

Ziva:
False. Strike three. I win.

Tony:
[looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?

Ziva:
When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to the left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.

Tony:
And the date?

Ziva:
Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.

Tony:
I would?

McGee:
Oh yeah.

Tony:
Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?

Gibbs:
Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.

Tony:
Ready to roll, boss!

Gibbs:
[walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?

Tony:
Yeah, boss?

Gibbs:
You got egg on your shirt.

Ziva:
Not just your shirt...

Tony:
Women want men to lie to them.

Ziva:
Not true.

Tony:
[In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."

Gibbs:
Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs.

Abby:
Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65 cents. That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?

Gibbs:
Enlighten me.

Abby:
3 and a half billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars in pennies. That's a lot of pennies in any language.

Gibbs:
Including Russian?

Abby:
No, Russians don't have pennies, they have kopeks.

Gibbs:
[about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst] Check the log; who booked it out last?

Tony:
The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.

Gibbs:
Who was the NIS case agent?

[Tony pulls up the file, and sees Mike Franks.]

Tony:
What time is it in Mexico right now?

Gibbs:
Cantina time.

Gibbs:
Want a 24 hour protection detail, DiNozzo, you're team leader.

DiNozzo:
You're in safe hands Mike.

Mike:
I've seen your hands DiNozzo, they don't impress me.

[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]

McGee:
Well, we could toss a coin. [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right, give me some gloves.

Ziva:
You didn't pack the gloves.

McGee:
I thought you packed the gloves.

Ziva:
[laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.

[McGee is photographing the victim and accidentally runs into Palmer]

Ducky:
There's no rush gentlemen, our patient isn't going anywhere.

McGee:
I dunno Ducky, the old Gibbs is back.

Ducky:
The "old" Gibbs?

Gibbs:
[enters the room] McGee, over here. Hands and knees. On the floor.

McGee:
[goes down on all fours] Okay, um, you're not gonna step on me are you?

Ducky:
[Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag. [stares from everyone, while Palmer grins widely] From a criminal investigative standpoint.

Tony:
It's an odd decorating choice, although the corpse does give the place a certain lived-in look.

Tony:
Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat..[looks at bottle label]...and sandalwood.

Ziva:
[enters building] Good morning! [spots Tony at her desk] What are you doing at my desk?

Tony:
Couldn't find my deodorant so I used yours.

Ziva:
No you didn't.

Tony:
Yeah we're partners. What's the big deal?

Ziva:
A hair! [throws bottle into her trashcan]

Tony:
Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles and you're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not gonna feel bad. Those ground radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.

McGee:
He had me at "howdy."

Ziva:
How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it.

Ducky:
You see this fracture?

Gibbs:
Well yeah, you're pointing right at it.

Abby:
It's ok. I'm sure you find other things beautiful.

McGee:
Like Gibbs breaking up a chic-fight?

Abby:
I can't believe I missed that!

McGee:
I've got good news. Guess what is now playing on McGee TV.

[Shows video to Abby on his cellphone]

[...]

Abby:
This is my favorite part.

[Gibbs enters the lab unnoticed]

Gibbs:
Which part?

Tony:
Why would someone unbury a body? I can answer that. To send a message. Like, hi I'm dead. Never get engaged to two women at the same time.

Ziva:
Shooting someone in broad daylight is just dumb.

Gibbs:
You're not thinking like a jealous woman, Ziva.

Tony:
What does your gut tell you Boss?

Gibbs:
[typing at his computer, nods to McGee] Take your shirt off.

Tony:
Here we go.

McGee:
[stares at Gibbs] I know it's kinda messy...

Gibbs:
Your shirt McGee. Take it off, now.

[McGee takes his bloodied shirt off and puts it into the evidence bag while Tony and Ziva smirk]

Gibbs:
Take it down to Abby. [McGee stares at him] Or would you rather wait for a search warrant?

McGee:
Rebecca's DNA [desperately to Tony] Can I borrow one of your shirts?

Tony:
[smiles at him] You're afraid all that white might burn out Abby's corneas?

McGee:
Do not make me walk around like a sold date. Come on, help me out.

Tony:
All right. I can't resist a damsel in distress. [takes shirt off and hands it to McGee] Here, take this. I'll get a fresh one.

Ziva:
[smirking from her desk] Wow. It's just like Chippendales. Without the bow ties or muscles.

Rick:
What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!

Ziva:
She tried to rat on us.

Tony:
She means rabbit.

Ziva:
Rabbit, yes!

Jody:
I come from a good Catholic family! When we swear to God, we mean it!

Jody:
...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!

Ziva:
[to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?

Tony:
I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

(Ducky and Palmer drive up with the car splattered with eggs)

Ziva:
What happened to them?

Tony:
Halloween.

Ducky:
Sorry we're late, we had a minor run-in with some local youths.

Gibbs:
Yeah, I can see that doctor.

McGee:
Did you get a good look at 'em?

Ducky:
Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!

(Palmer slides open the door and three ninjas stumble out of the car)

Ninjas:
Are we in trouble? Where we at? We said we were sorry!

Ducky:
(handing them Windex and towels) Right, clean it!

Tony:
Nice work, Palmer!

Palmer:
Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks!

Ducky:
Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were real ninjas.

McGee:
Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass, tried to wipe up the blood.

Tony:
Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!

Tony:
Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!

McGee:
Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.

Tony:
I hate Halloween

Ziva:
The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.

Gibbs:
"Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.

Tony:
Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.

McGee:
The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring Sedan.

Tony:
McGeek with the save!

Gibbs:
Marital problems?

Ziva:
Well, according to someone called Scuttle Butt, he caught his wife cheating on him.

Gibbs:
Scuttlebutt's not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call gossip.

Ziva:
And then you wonder why I have a problem with your language.

A guy at the Halloween party:
Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

Ducky:
You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.

Ziva:
They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in a documentary Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?

Ducky:
I was referring to a mother bear's protective nature when her cubs are threatened. There is no deadlier creature on the planet.

Ziva:
I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.

Ducky:
Yeah well, that's perfectly dreadful.

Ziva:
That's what I said to Tony!

Ducky:
My point is Laurie Niles may have been trying to protect her daughter. The husband filed for separation, another man was claiming to be the child's father.

Ziva:
She didn't want to lose or share custody of Sarah.

Ducky:
That's one possibility. What does Gibbs think?

Ziva:
Hard to tell, he's currently not talking to me.

Ducky:
Well, chin up, dear it could be worse.

Ziva:
How?

Ducky:
He could be a bear.

Tony:
Did I miss something?

Ziva:
Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony:
Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Ziva:
I can disarm it.

Tony:
Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.

Ziva:
If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.

Tony:
Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!

Ziva:
Then why are you following me, Tony?

Tony:
I don't frickin' know!

Tony:
[watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.

Ziva:
I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.

Tony:
What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.

Ziva:
I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.

Tony:
Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.

Ziva:
See anything good?

Tony:
Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.

Ziva:
Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.

Tony:
What if I said it was?

Ziva:
Now you'll never know.

Tony:
I'd say this guy's a couple puppies short of a pet shop.

Ziva:
Most suicide bombers are.

Jenny:
SECDEF staff are worried that it was an attempt on the life of their boss.

Gibbs:
Are we worried?

Jenny:
If it was an assassination attempt, he's a lousy assassin. Used his body as a weapon and missed by 75 feet.

Gibbs:
DiNozzo.

Tony:
Boss?

Gibbs:
Stop eating the evidence.

McGee:
Well no bag, maybe the killer took it.

Ziva:
Maybe she just didn't have a bag.

McGee:
Every woman has a bag.

Ziva:
Do I have a bag, McGee?

McGee:
No, but you're not a... Well, I mean you're a woman, it's just, you're not a... Not a normal... You're right, every woman does not have a bag.

Jeanne:
I know something else we could do to stay warm.

Tony:
Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?

Jeanne:
Dancing!

Marty:
You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now, do you?

Abby:
Oh no, no! It's just a hobby!

Gibbs:
There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.

Tony:
There is?

Nelson:
Do I need a lawyer?

Gibbs:
Only if you're feeling guilty.

[The team is preparing Special Agent Lee for an undercover assignment to infiltrate a sex trafficking ring]

McGee:
She looks the part, just like a..

Ziva:
Whore?

McGee:
[glares at Ziva] A courtesan.

McGee:
Sara do you remember the last time you had a few drinks?

Sara:
No.

McGee:
That's the point you can't drink. Last time you had a few too many you painted "bitch" on Katie Hutchinson's garage.

Sara:
I would've done that sober, that bitch stole my boyfriend.

Tony:
Well that was quick.

Gibbs:
You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?

Tony:
No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You wouldn't mind taking...? Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.

Ziva:
By comparison to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.

Tony:
[to Jeanne after discussing their relationship] If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got. And while what I got had its perks, I'm looking for something different now.

Gibbs:
Hey, been looking all over the building for you.

Jen:
Since we were low on agents, I thought I'd give Abby a hand.

Gibbs:
The only reason we are low on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.

Jen:
Well, there's no sense in getting us all sick...

Abby:
[as Gibbs] Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director! [as Jen] Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to manage my own personnel, Agent Gibbs! [as Gibbs] Your personnel?! [as Jen] Last time I checked, it said "Director" on my door, not yours! [to both of them] The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.

Tony:
[seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs] And I thought being sent to the principal's office was bad.

Gibbs:
You know what a "clog" is?

Ziva:
A shoe or a blocked drain?

Gibbs:
On the Internet.

Ziva:
I thought it was called a "blog," but my English is often wrong.

Gibbs:
Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.

[Tony and Ziva are at the front of the truck, Ziva is driving and McGee is the back seat]

Tony:
Comfortable back there Gore Vidal?

McGee:
For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.

Ziva:
Fiction based on us, yes?

McGee:
No! Look, if you don't believe me, read the disclaimer in the front of the book.

Tony:
You buying that, Lisa? [Ziva does the "evil laugh"] Didn't think so. [straps on seat belt] Nice knowing you, Probie.

McGee:
: Ziva?

[Ziva starts the truck and hits full speed. McGee falls off his seat]

McGee:
It's just a book!!

Contractor:
Reminds me of that urban legend.

Gibbs:
Which one is that?

Contractor:
Guy dresses up like Santa, you know, for Christmas Eve to surprise his girlfriend but he never shows. She's convinced that the bastard dumped her, badmouths him all over town.

Ducky:
Until they find the poor soul's body months later, still clutching the little box with her shiny new engagement ring. And the moral of course is...

Gibbs:
Never a good idea to get married.

Ducky:
No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.

Gibbs:
I like mine better.

[Gibbs is leaving the crime scene and passes by McGee]

Gibbs:
What happened to you?

McGee:
Creative differences with my co-workers Boss.

Gibbs:
Lot of that going around these days.

[...]

Tony:
[glares at McGee] Bag and tag the ashes Probie. We'll pick you up after we coordinate with the MPs.

[Tony and Ziva leave]

Palmer:
Doctor, I'm going to be laying the bag out here and the burrito over here.

McGee:
Palmer, I need a favor.

Palmer:
You want a ride back with us.

McGee:
How'd you know?

Palmer:
I read your book. And for your information, I never had sexual relations with a corpse!

McGee:
That character was not based on you.

Palmer:
His name was Pimmy Jalmer, McGee!

McGee:
Well, he's French Polynesian.

Tony:
[to Ziva] You know, McGee is really starting to nail your essence, here; [in a low voice, reading from McGee's book] "Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tom..." [pauses] You're behind me again, aren't you?

Ziva:
Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.

Tony:
He was, was he?

Ziva:
It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?

Tony:
And by "give in", you mean...

Ziva:
Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.

Tony:
Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.

Ziva:
You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.

Tony:
Mhhm. Really?

Ziva:
But my father wouldn't approve.

Tony:
Because I'm not Jewish?

Ziva:
[laughing] Because he gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.

Tony:
Ha ha! Like I believed you for even a second.

Ziva:
I'm sure you didn't.

Gibbs:
You two done playing grab-ass?

Ziva:
Oh, he started it!

Gibbs:
I'm ending it.

Tony:
Oh, I...

Gibbs:
[grabs Tony's book] Next person who mentions this book will be deep-sixed by me! [hurls book onto the floor]

Tony:
I can completely live with that, Boss!

McGee:
Abby, they hate me.

Abby:
They don't hate you, McGee.

McGee:
Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.

Abby:
Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.

McGee:
Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!

Abby:
You described everything in my bedroom.

McGee:
Not everything. Do you still have those...?

[Abby's computer beeps.]

Abby:
Fantasize later, Hemingway.

[McGee is rambling using technical terms]

Gibbs:
McGee, less talk, more the computer chip doo-dah.

McGee:
Working with the doo-dah, Boss.

Fornell:
Doo-dah?

Gibbs:
Yeah, it's a technical term, Tobias, you wouldn't understand.

Fornell:
It amazes me how the truly sick ones are always the best liked. Pillars of the community.

Gibbs:
They're successful because they blend in, Tobias. They go to church, they coach Little League baseball.

Fornell:
That was the routine that nailed Bundy, Gibbs. And I'm familiar with sick, charming bastards.

Gibbs:
[smiles] That's probably why we get along so well.

Fornell:
I'll get over it. No hard feelings Jethro?

Gibbs:
Nope. Just need you to look at something before you leave.

Fornell:
You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?

Abby:
Wow, my mom always told me big things come in small packages.

Marty:
What a coincidence. Mine always warned me about tattooed girls bearing samples.

Woman:
From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.

Tony:
If you're lucky.

Woman:
A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.

Ziva:
If you're really lucky.

Woman:
Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone or...

[Abby raises her hand.]

Woman:
Yup?

Abby:
What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.

Woman:
You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.

Abby:
You guys get offended when I hug you?!

[everyone mutters no]

Abby:
[happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.

Woman:
DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.

Abby:
Like, every time?

Woman:
Yes. And finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.

Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in surprise.]

Woman:
Another question?

Tony:
Yeah. What if you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?

Woman:
Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?

[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]

Tony:
...No I was just wondering, that's all.

[Palmer raises his hand.]

Woman:
Yes?

Palmer:
Uh yes, what if part of your job includes touching, naked people...

Woman:
That is inappropriate at any time.

Palmer:
Even if they're dead?

Woman:
[sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!

Palmer:
Well, I work in autopsy...

Ziva:
You attacked the car?

Gibbs:
The car tried to kill Abby!

McGee:
I did it, Abby. I know how they got in.

Abby:
How'd you know I was here?

McGee:
I didn't. Abby, I'm sorry for--

Abby:
I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]

McGee:
Aren't you supposed to ask for permission first?

Abby:
Never with you, Tim.

[McGee puts his hand over hers.]

Gibbs:
[holds up the memory card from a digital camera] So what you're saying, for example, is we need to find something this small in a Humvee jammed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee:
Pretty much.

Gibbs:
[drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby:
That is an excellent point.

Abby:
Just sit back and let the scientists....

McGee:
...kick all kinds of major ass.

Ziva:
Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!

Tony:
Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.

Ziva:
Didn't tell us.

Tony:
Got it published.

Ziva:
Didn't tell us.

Tony:
Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.

Ziva:
Didn't tell us.

Tony:
Anything else?

Ziva:
Bought a Porsche.

Tony:
Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior emerging here, Probie?

McGee:
Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't secretive, it was just...

Ziva:
Deceptive.

Tony:
Sneaky.

McGee:
Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.

Tony:
True.

Ziva:
True.

Gibbs:
Give me some good news Abby.

Abby:
I'm not pregnant.

Tariq:
You're a Jew.

Ziva:
Yes.

Tariq:
Israeli? Mossad, then.

Ziva:
I'm working with NCIS.

Tariq:
So, yes. So now I am as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?

Ziva:
At least in our lifetime.

[Deputy Tyler Barrett walks in.]

Tyler:
Mmm, cozy.

Ziva:
Can I help you?

Tyler:
[to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. (chuckles) You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.

[Ziva twists his arm behind his back, hard.]

Tyler:
OW!

Ziva:
When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.

Tyler:
(quietly) Sorry. (she twists harder) AH!

Ziva:
I don't think he heard you.

Tyler:
I'm sorry!

Tariq:
Apology accepted.

Gibbs:
(walking in) There a problem?

Ziva:
I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.

Tony:
Morse code is a dying art.

Ziva:
It was for him.

[Gibbs and the team pull up at an internet cafe]

Tony:
I got a bad feeling about this. [looks at McGee] We let the Elf Lord go in and we may never get him out.

McGee:
Getting old Tony.

Gibbs:
Tony, you and Ziva take the back. Elf Lord, you're with me.

McGee:
So this is the guy Ziva was drooling on.

Ziva:
I wasn't drooling!

Tony:
At least I saw you undressing him with your bedroom eyes.

Ziva:
At least I'm not the one asking him if he waxed his eyebrows.

[Gibbs and Mann kiss in her bedroom.]

Lt. Col. Mann:
Okay, before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you get the damn boat out of your basement?

Jenny:
You were supposed to keep Mister Harrow under surveillance, not chase him into a coronary!

McGee:
Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?

Ziva:
No, the Director's right. We could of let Harrow escape. If he sold ARES, we could of caught "Black Rose" or "La Grenouille" selling it to Iran!

Jenny:
Don't be cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right Tony? [Jenny glares at Tony for some support]

Tony:
Uh, that's right Director. They could've -

Gibbs:
- Shot him.

Tony:
That's right, they could have shot him.

Gibbs:
Of course, in high octane situation, Ziva reverts to her Mossad training and probably would've put a round through his heart.

Ziva:
Three rounds...

Gibbs:
And McGee, not to be outdone, would've -

McGee:
- Added three more rounds.

Jenny:
Gibbs...

Gibbs:
See, there you go. Six rounds, same result. One dead Mister Harrow.

Ducky:
I signed for the body. Cause of death was most likely a - [noticing Jenny glaring at Gibbs] Am I interrupting?

Jenny:
Not at all, Doctor. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mister Harrow besides chasing him to death!

Ducky:
I am interrupting... [Turns around and starts to walk away]

Jenny:
Doctor! [Ducky turns back] Death was most likely caused by?

Ducky:
Myocardial Infarction. It was probably brought on by a combination of a high fat Western diet, little exercise, and the mistaken belief that he could run up all those stairs. Rigorous for most - rigor mortis for him.

Jenny:
Anything else?

Ducky:
Well, not until I do the - [Jenny glares at Gibbs and then hurries off] - autopsy.

Ziva:
That's Ares?

Tony:
According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!

Ziva:
I have great peripheral vision.

Tony:
My sphincter doesn't.

Ziva:
Well at least we won't have trouble finding it.

Tony:
Really?

Ziva:
Tony, it's the size of an ATM!

Ziva:
Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?

Tony:
Pirated copy.

Ziva:
That's what I said.

Tony:
No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...

Ziva:
Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?

Tony:
Johnny Depp.

Ziva:
He's a pirate?

Tony:
No, he's an actor.

Ziva:
Oh.

Tony:
How did we get here?

Ziva:
I drove.

Ziva:
This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack.

Tony:
Needle in a haystack.

Ziva:
I like my description better.

David:
I, I cannot believe you forgot.

Mary:
Oh my god, this is where your grandmother choked to death on veal.

[Ziva is teaching knife throwing. Tony off to the side is eating Froot Loops and smirking]

Ziva:
At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining this class?

Tony:
Yeah, I've got one for ya. You ever kill anyone with a spoon?

Ziva:
No, but I am seriously considering it.

[Lee draws back her hand to throw a knife. It flies out of her hand and hits the wall behind them, narrowly missing Gibbs as he enters.]

Ziva:
I thought you said you grew up around weapons?

Lee:
I did. I didn't say my father actually let me touch any of them.

Tony:
Well, nothing says 'I love you' like a rotting corpse in an abandoned crap hole.

Gibbs:
McGee, you find any more maggots walking around you bag 'em, they're evidence.

McGee:
Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.

Ziva:
You're afraid of bugs, McGee?

McGee:
Bugs, no. Uh, wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.

Ziva:
Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.

McGee:
How'd you get over it?

Ziva:
I've found that if you're hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Ducky:
Have you ever wondered why perfectly healthy individuals suddenly and occasionally keel over and die, Mr Palmer?

Palmer:
Now that you mention it...

Ducky:
No no no. It's a trick question. They don't.

Abby:
I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.

Ziva:
Hi. You talk to your mass spectrometer?

Abby:
Yeah, sometimes. Why?

McGee:
You challenged it to a duel.

Abby:
Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.

McGee:
Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?

Abby:
When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here. Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.

McGee:
Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.

Abby:
Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.

Gibbs:
(walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.

[Abby is listing organic compounds and the chemical breakdown of the victim's body fluids]

Gibbs:
[to McGee, who is standing behind him] Friends of yours, Elf Lord?

Ziva:
Where are WE going?

Tony:
We're not going anywhere.

Ziva:
Who are you taking, McGee?

(Tony, Ziva, and Carson watching Gibb's interrogation)

Tony:
It's almost unfair interrogating junkies.

Ziva:
It's like shooting fish in a pond.

Carson:
I um… I think you mean a barrel.

Ziva:
Why would a fish be in a barrel?

Carson:
Um... I, um... it's a good point. I never really thought about it before.

Ziva:
Mm-hmm.

Ducky:
Poison has been the weapon of choice for women for centuries, except they tend to hide it in food rather than drink.

Gibbs:
That would explain why my last ex-wife spent so much time in the kitchen.

Ziva:
They say the clothes make the man.

Tony:
He's not a man, he's a McGee.

Roy:
Lieutenant Sanders, sir. I need you to investigate a murder.

Gibbs:
Whose?

Roy:
[pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.

Ziva:
This is killing me. I feel like I know him.

Tony:
Mossad?

Ziva:
Maybe.

Tony:
Internet dating?

Ziva:
I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.

Roy:
Table's cold.

Ducky:
None of my other patients ever complain.

Roy:
Sorry, I thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.

Ducky:
Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is that you talk back.

[McGee has to wear hospital scrubs while Abby tests his clothes for radiation.]

Tony:
Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?

Ziva:
Male nurse?

Tony:
No, Aquasmurf.

McGee:
Found something.

Tony:
Is it dangerous?

McGee:
Do you want kids...? Kidding.

Roy:
Sorry, felt a little dizzy.

Ziva:
I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...

Roy:
I'm not saying anything.

Ziva:
Sorry, it's the English.

Ziva:
I have been working for thirty straight hours!

McGee:
This is only my fourth cup of the day!

Tony:
Mossad. Hot liquid. I'd let her have it, McGee.

Ziva:
Thanks.

Roy:
Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running.

Ziva:
Yes, I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.

Roy:
But eventually you'd have forgotten me.

Ziva:
Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.

Abby:
(to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar!

McGee:
Okay. What's wrong with that one?

Abby:
The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar.

McGee:
What's wrong with that candy bar?

Abby:
It has nougat in it.

McGee:
But you hate nougat.

Abby:
I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!

McGee:
All I have are big bills.

Ziva:
What is nougat?

Tony:
It's whipped dolphin fat.

McGee:
No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.

Abby:
That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!

[Silence. Tony, McGee and Ziva all stare at Abby]

Tony:
Sure, I got one.

(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)

Abby:
Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]

Ziva:
I don't even know what nougat is!

Gibbs:
It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.

McGee:
Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?

Tony:
Yeah. She stole my dollar.

[Ducky and Palmer are piecing together some skeletal remains and discussing death rituals]

[...]

Ducky:
[...] Humerus

Palmer:
I suppose it depends on what you find funny. [Ducky holds up the humerus] Oh.

McGee:
She definitely seemed Un-Abby.

Ziva:
Who?

Tony:
Abby.

Ziva:
Abby's unhappy?

Tony:
No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.

McGee:
Why you?

Tony:
Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.

McGee:
Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.

Tony:
See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?

Ziva:
The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.

Tony:
All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: she owes me a dollar.

McGee:
I was right, wasn't I? There's something wrong.

Tony:
Let it go, Probie.

McGee:
Why?

Tony:
Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.

Gibbs:
David, DiNozzo, perimeter.

Tony:
You sure you don't want us to help you in there boss...? Of course not, because if you did, you would have said, "David, DiNozzo, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!

Ducky:
[about the morgue] This is the place where death rejoices in teaching the living.

Tony:
There is nothing lucky about waking up at your own autopsy Probie.

McGee:
At least you know you're not dead.

[Ziva enters squad room]

Tony:
Well, well. Look who's finally here.

Ziva:
Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously missing.

Tony:
Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.

Abby:
This, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.

Gibbs:
Illegal?

Abby:
We could smoke it and find out.

Abby:
[her eyes are closed] Do you think it's ESP? [Gibbs walks out] I mean, that you always know when I find something, and if it is ESP, are you reading my mind, or am I sending you some sort of weird brain thoughts out of my head and into yours? [she turns around, opens her eyes, realizing he's not here and shuts them again] Come back Gibbs. Come back Gibbs.

Tony:
Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?

McGee:
Everyday!

Tony:
...Wrong person to ask.

Mike:
[to Gibbs] We're getting more alike you and me, Probie. Even feeling the same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little girl, maybe you did for awhile; maybe you still are. I just know I've got to do what's right for my boy... I owe him that.

Gibbs:
Any tattoos Ducky?

Ducky:
Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no, somewhat surprising for a young marine.

Abby:
Technically, that was a squatting hug, or a squg.

Paula Cassidy:
I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?

Ziva:
Tony.

Tony:
Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.

Ziva:
Which means that what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.

Paula Cassidy:
Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?

Tony:
She does have a valid point, Ziva.

Paula Cassidy:
We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!

Ziva:
A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? I mean that doesn't make any sense!

Tony:
No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--

Gibbs:
[Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?

Tony:
I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.

Gibbs:
I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.

Ziva:
That works for me.

Paula:
Works for me, too, David.

Ziva:
Da-veed!

McGee:
The blood starts at the ping-pong table.

Tony:
Beer pong.

McGee:
Huh?

Tony:
This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.

[McGee stares at Tony]

Tony:
What did you do at MIT?

McGee:
Studied.

Tony:
Figures.

Ducky:
From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...

McGee:
Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.

Gibbs:
Army what? McGee?

McGee:
[reluctantly] Uh, Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Ziva:
Was no secret he was writing about us.

Tony:
Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?

Ziva:
And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?

Tony:
Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?

Ziva:
When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?

Tony:
Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.

Ziva:
Yeah, totally unrealistic.

Tony:
Would never happen.

[awkward silence]

Tony:
I sure would like to be a fly on the wall up there. [Ziva looks confused] Never mind.

Gibbs:
What've you got, Abs?

Abby:
Oh, your usual incriminating evidence, all circumstantial, but beggars can't be choosers.

McGee:
Ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?

Tony:
Only at the end of a really hairy date.

McGee:
I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.

Ziva:
You'd adapt.

McGee:
What if I didn't?

Ziva:
You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die.

McGee:
Remind me not to come to you for a pep-talk anytime soon.

Gibbs:
What's he hiding?

McGee:
Well, for the most part, not a whole lot. It's about the most boring diary I've ever read. An obsession with Kelly Clarkson... wondering why he can't find a girlfriend...

Abby:
He didn't make the connection between those two things?

Tony:
Sarcasm is not sexy, Ziva.

Tony:
Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.

McGee:
Quit drinking caffeine.

Ziva:
Abby?!

Tony:
Abby Sciuto?!

Tony:
How long were you guys there?

Ziva:
Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?

Tony:
We're discussing it.

Ziva:
What is there to discuss?

Tony:
It's complicated.

Ziva:
Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have noticed the use of that word as a code for "if I explain it, you would not agree, therefore I will use the word 'complicated' and hopefully you will stop asking!"

Tony:
That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby wants...

Ziva:
Tony.

Tony:
Ziva... if you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]

Ziva:
Stop laughing or I will hurt you. I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes, and I know what you're hiding from.

Tony:
Really? What's that?

Ziva:
What everyone who is afraid to love hides from: getting hurt.

Tony:
It's not just me that I'm worrying about hurting, Ziva.

Ziva:
That's because you're a good person.

Jenny:
[calling from Paris] Is the agency intact?

Gibbs:
I cut it up into small bitsy pieces and sold it to the three-letter boys.

[Ducky is ascertaining how the victim died]

Tony:
Maybe he died of embarrassment when he couldn't pay the cab fare.

[Gibbs is walking towards the crime scene]

Ducky:
Hey! I win the pool!

Tony:
Wait a minute. How did you figure that?

Ducky:
I predicted Gibbs would last four days as Director before reverting to working a case.

[...]

Tony:
So, uh, Director, does that mean you're...

Gibbs:
I'm heading the investigation. [Ducky walks past them] Hey, Duck! You win the pool.

Ducky:
Yes! Thank you Jethro! [McGee stares at him]

Gibbs:
And I didn't do anything wrong McGee.

Joe Kelly:
I can go?

Gibbs:
[walks in] You can go to the head or our conference room.

Kelly:
[points to Tony] He said I could leave!

Tony:
Well, what I say doesn't count when the Boss is here.

Kelly:
Like me when the wife is around.

Abby:
They're questioning the validity of my ballistics!

McGee:
Scaletti's lawyers are desperate. They're desperate. They're like drowning men grasping...

Abby:
...at thin polystyrene tubes?

Abby:
I love you, McGee. Not like "love you" love you. Not that I don't love you, because I do, kind of. You know, like the way I love puppies.

McGee:
I could have done without that comparison.

Abby:
But I love puppies.

Jenny:
Is the agency still intact after a week with Gibbs in charge?

Cynthia:
Mmm... we survived.

Jenny:
[chuckles] Did Gibbs?

Cynthia:
Barely.

Gibbs:
You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?

Jenny:
You sound like a jealous husband.

Gibbs:
How would you know?

Gibbs:
What were you doing for 21 hours, Jenny?

Jenny:
What we used to do, ever so well.

Gibbs:
When you lie, your right eye twitches. It always has.

Ducky:
Unless you're a spy.

Ziva:
Why are you looking at me?!

Ducky:
I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.

Abby:
[speaking to her computers and devices] Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. [walks up to her stereo and turns up music, then heads back to her computer and breathes in deeply] Ready.

Ziva:
It's really not that bad, McGee.

McGee:
For a spy you're a horrible liar.

Lee:
Ziva's right. You can hardly notice. But...

McGee:
But?

Lee:
I wouldn't let Agent DiNozzo see it if I were you.

Tony:
Let Agent DiNozzo see what?

McGee:
(mumbles) Nothing.

Tony:
Why are you mumbling, McGee?

McGee:
(mumbles) I'm not mumbling.

Tony:
Well, you either just said "mimes aren't rumbling" or "I'm not mumbling." And I don't see any mimes. Agent Lee, why is Agent McGee mumbling?

Lee:
He over-bleached his teeth, Sir. Apparently he fell asleep while wearing his bleaching tray, Sir.

Tony:
You don't watch Friends, do you? Same thing happened to Ross. You could have learned from our friend's mistake. But you chose to read instead! Let me see the damage.

McGee:
(mumbles) No.

Tony:
As team leader, people, I need to be aware of any condition that might affect an agent's ability to perform his or her duties.

Ziva:
And what does having embarrassingly white teeth have to do with performing his duties?

McGee:
You said it was not that bad!

Tony:
She lied! Open up your mouth.

McGee:
(mumbles) No.

Tony:
Let me see the Chiclets.

McGee:
(mumbles) No.

Tony:
Let me see them.

McGee:
(mumbles) No.

Tony:
Open your - Gibbs!

McGee:
What is...?

Tony:
I have no idea.

Tony:
Chances of finding her alive drop to almost zero after 48 hours. [looks at Gibbs] Sorry. I'm sure you knew that, boss.

Gibbs:
Don't apologize, DiNozzo.

Tony:
Right. Sign of weakness.

Ziva:
Not to mention annoying.

Jamie:
All right, but even if I get in, all I can tell you is stuff like oil pressure and fuel levels. Navigation, external sensors, that's all handled by scientists. [logs in to his monitoring program] All right, I'm in. Now what?

Abby:
Just sit back and let the scientists....

McGee:
...Kick all kinds of major ass.

Tony:
[as Ziva enters] Oh, this should be interesting. Goliath, I'd like you to meet one of our Israeli friends.

[Ziva slaps Lissack.]

Ziva:
[in Hebrew] You are a traitor to our country and our people.

Eli "Goliath" Lissack:
[in Hebrew] I never sell weapons to Hamas or Hezbollah!

[Furious, she grabs him by the front of his coat.]

Ziva:
[in English] You sell to people who do!

Tony:
You're lucky she doesn't have her slingshot.

Eli "Goliath" Lissack:
Zaire? You are taking me to Zaire?

Ziva:
You sold a shipment of RPGs to their army. They were very disappointed with the quality of the merchandise.

Tony:
I believe the President himself is eager to discuss how you stiffed him.

Ziva:
He, in turn, has some information Mossad needs...

Tony:
And we owe Mossad a favor since they told us you were in D.C., so here we are. We deliver you to Zaire, the President gives Mossad the information it needs, and everyone is happy.

Ziva:
[eyeing Goliath] Well, not everyone.

Eli "Goliath" Lissack:
[desperate] Please, I-I am very wealthy. I have diamonds!

Tony:
[pretends to wince] Ooh, you had diamonds. This jet is very expensive, and somebody had to pay for it.

[Tony is obsessing about the cost of McGee's new jacket.]

Tony:
Who's the designer?

Ziva:
Why do you assume I know?

Tony:
Because...

Ziva:
Because-because I'm a woman? Because I'm Jewish?

Tony:
Because you're a great detective.

Ziva:
...True.