Red vs. Blue, Season 4

Church:
What, the fuck, was that?

Caboose:
Hey, Church!

Tucker:
Hey.

Tex:
Huh?

Church:
Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"

Tex and Tucker:
[in unison, feigning interest] What happened to your body, Church?

Caboose[as Tex and Tucker are finishing]:
What happened to some... body... Church?

Church:
I don't know I was sitting there talking to gary and...

Tex(interupts him):
The bomb?

Church:
No that's Andy... Gary is the computer.

Tex:
Eh, I barely remember your names half the time!

Caboose:
I know my name! You can ask me if you forget!

Church:
Hey, can we please focus on me?

Caboose:
By the way, he's Church.

Church:
Yes. Thank you Caboose. She knows.

Caboose:
He is the mean one.

Church:
Thank you Caboose!

Caboose:
See? He is mad. Now he will stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

Church:
(long pause) OK, I was talking to Gar-

Caboose:
(cuts him off) Told you so.

Church:
GOD DAMN IT!

Caboose:
Classic Church.

Tucker:
I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm?

Church:
Anyways I was sitting there talking to Gary about the great destroyer at the time we thought was Tex.

Gary(in the story):
The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near. The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near.

Church(in the story):
Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop, hey if Tex isn't the destroyer for the prophecy then who is?

Church:
And that's when I turned around and i saw...

Caboose:
Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

Church:
What the... Caboose get out of the story man, no it wasn't O'Malley-

Caboose(interrupting):
What was it?!

Church:
Stop interrupting me and I'll tell you.

Caboose(interupting again):
A helicopter?

Tucker:
Yeah Caboose shut up.

Church:
Yeah Tucker you're interrupting too, just get out of the story!

Tucker:
Me? I'm just here to spice things up! Check this out.

[Tucker mimics Tex]

Tucker as Tex:
Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey, is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor? This breastplate is so itchy.

Tucker:
Bow chicka bow-

[Tex points her gun at Tucker's head and cocks it back]

Tucker:
-whoa, ok, story's over!

Tex:
You're a pig.

Tucker:
I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

Tex:
Just tell us, what did you see?

Church:
Well...It was a really big...thing.

Tex:
That's your story? You saw a big thing...

Tucker:
, Ah, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

Church:
Well, I really didn't get a clear look at it.

Caboose:
At Tucker's big thing?

Tucker:
Ha Ha Ha! Some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church!

Tex:
It didn't scare the crap out of him, it scared the SOUL out of him.

Tucker:
Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap! (to Church) Stupid crap for soul...

Church:
For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.

Tex:
Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours!

Tucker:
Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tex:
Oh, shut up!

Church:
Shut up, Tucker.

Tucker:
Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Church:
Tucker! Shut up!

Tucker:
I came here to lay some pipe. (quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Church:
Tucker!

Tucker:
So I hear you got sisters, Bow Chicka- who are twins, Bow Wow!

Church:
Shut up.

Tucker:
Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Church:
Shut up!

Tucker:
Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow etc.

Church:
(while Tucker is saying last) Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP!

Sarge:
Donut, you're going out of turn.

Donut:
I thought I went after Simmons.

Sarge:
No, we go in line. It goes you, then me, then Simmons, then back down to me, then you, then me, then me, then Simmons, then me, then me, then Simmons, me... me, Simmons, you, Simmons, me, me, me, Simmons, you... me..., then me again. It makes perfect sense!

Simmons:
But doesn't that mean you go twice as much... or ten times as much?

Sarge:
[Fires sniper rifle at Grif] This is the best game since Grifball.

Grif:
I'm not coming down!

Sarge:
Hey Grif, move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival! [Takes another shot at Grif, who ducks] No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!

Simmons:
Wait a minute, that was my turn!

Sarge:
This is the lightning round!

Simmons:
Who's in the lightning rou-

Sarge:
Me

Grif:
Alright! fuck this i'm coming down. (Sarge shoots him at him again) OW! I SAID I'M COMING DOWN!!!

Sarge:
Ha-ha, BUZZER-BEATER! Take that you stupid duck!

Church:
Hey Andy.... ANDY!

Andy:
Hey, look who's back: The Dickhead!

Church:
Hey, up yours.

Andy:
You back for another beating? It must be Ass-Kick o'clock!

Church:
Where's that big alien thing?

Andy:
I dunno. Last time I saw him he was half-way up your ass!

Tex:
Alright, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.

Tucker:
[very quickly] Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

Tex:
Never mind, Tucker's in front.

Tucker:
Eh, it was worth it.

Church:
Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?

Tucker:
No way! I'd rather have a gun.

Church:
But I've got a gun.

Tucker:
What are you gonna do? Shoot him with ghost bullets?

Church:
Okay, yeah. I guess that's a good point.

Tucker:
"Hi, I'm Casper, the friendly bullet!"

Tucker:
There it is!

Church:
Jesus RUN!! (All three of them keep shooting their guns at the wall while they run away)

Tex:
Crap!

Tucker:
Oh my GOD OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

Church:
RUN!

Tucker:
Women and children last. (They run past Caboose)

Caboose:
Did we win?

Tucker:
Yeah Caboose we won! This is our victory lap!

Andy:
(jokingly) Hey come back, I think you're making him tired! (laughing)

[The Reds discuss the sighting of the Tank]

Simmons:
I'm telling you it was here! It drove by while you were talking, you had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!

Donut:
Well it really sounded like, (Starts to make a bad impersonation of the tank, along with some fake screaming).

Simmons:
That's not the important part of the story, Donut!

Sarge:
(sarcastically) Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality!

Simmons:
No I'm not! Donut saw it!

Donut:
Yeah!

Sarge:
Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.

Donut:
Yeah!

Sarge:
Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate!

Donut:
*gasp!* That's not true!

Sarge:
Heh heh, so that's where you draw the line?

Donut:
No, I mean, it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate.. right?, seriously right?

Simmons:
Okay, well Grif saw it too, we all saw it!

Grif:
(lying) I don't know what you are talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.

Simmons:
What?

[The Blues discuss sending in Caboose to talk with the Alien]

Church:
Well, think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.

Caboose:
I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, (looks at Tucker) because I am very shy!

Tucker:
Get away from me freak!

Church:
You know, if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.

Church:
You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.

Tucker:
A few more times? How about one time?

Church:
Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.

Tucker:
Yeah, right.

Tex:
You didn't hit anything but the wall.

Church:
How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.

Tex:
This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.

Tucker:
Where were you planning on shooting him from? The fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further, you woulda had to mail him the bullets!

Simmons:
Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.

Sheila:
I don't think so.

Simmons:
Shut up you ruin my life!

[Caboose suggests a name for the Alien]

Caboose:
I think I will call him... Crunchbite!

Andy:
Naah, that's a stupid name.

Caboose:
Well I think it's better than your suggestion...Crouchasaurous.

Church:
Caboose who are you talking to— HOLY SHIT!!!

Alien:
BLARG!

Caboose:
Stop he is my friend, he's not going to it eat anybody.

Andy:
Yeah says you stink too much to eat.

Caboose:
He has not tried to bite me, at all-

Alien:
Blargh.

Caboose:
...since he bit me the first time.

Andy:
Yeah, that was hilarious!

Caboose:
I think "blarg" means me. Or...apples. Guys Apples must be the name of his cat! Quick, quick is Apples stuck in a tree? I will call the fire department!

Caboose:
I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head.

Church:
What? What was it?

Caboose:
It was a voice saying "Blargh blargh blargh blargh!"

[The Blues are talking about finding a translator]:

Tucker:
Ooo-kay. Church... is trying to get a TRANSLATOR. So that WE can TALK to EACH OTHER.

Church:
: Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking slowly is not gonna help.

Tucker:
What? I'm talking to Caboose.

Church:
Oh.

Caboose:
[camera pans to reveal Caboose] I don't understand. Are-are-are you hungry? Tucker, are you hungry? Are you cold?

Tucker:
What? No.

Caboose:
Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?

Tucker:
Damn it, no, Caboose! I'm NOT cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again, I'm gonna kill you!

[Caboose decides on another name for the Alien]

Caboose:
Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy.

Tucker:
Fluffy?

Caboose:
Fluffy! The alien that only loves!

[The Blues are trying to find out the Alien's name]

Tucker:
He's got to have a name! Why don't we just ask him? Hey Alien dude, what's your name? Naaame. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-pants McCrabby.

Tex:
Hey!

Tucker:
Well, that's what we call you.

Caboose:
Not me. I call you Mrs.McCrabby

Tex:
Thanks.

Tex:
Has it occured to you that his name might be Honk-honk?

Church:
What kinda name is Honk-honk?

[The Blues are trying to understand the Alien]

Church:
Alien, does blarg mean yes?

Alien:
Blarg.

Church:
Holy shit! Blarg means yes. He just said yes. Blarg means yes. I speak alien!

Tex:
Yeah..unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no. Blarg does not mean yes.

Church:
What?! No way. Hey Alien, am I right?

Alien:
Blarg.

Church:
Haha, see? The FUCK do you know.

Simmons:
No wait, monkeys...monkey pirates.

Shiela:
Nope.

Simmons:
From..Uranus.

Shiela:
My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely, and my bullshit meter agrees.

Simmons:
Man, I wish Grif was here. I could convince him there was food underground, and he would dig half a hole for me! Or maybe a third of a hole... then he'd use the shovel to eat oatmeal...... On second thought, I don't wish Grif was here.

Donut:
For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish, press 1 too, as in also.

Tucker:
Church! Chuuuuurch! Hey, Church!

Church:
I'm right behind you dumbass.

Tucker:
Oh. Hey, Church, do you have a knife?

Church:
No. That's a weapon, dude. Ask Tex.

Tucker:
She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff, I think.

Church:
Huh? Like what?

Tucker:
I don't know! I stopped asking questions after "girl stuff".

Church:
What're you two guys doin'?

Tucker:
We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English.

Church:
How're you gonna do that?

Tucker:
People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.

Church:
Maybe you should try learning his language.

Tucker:
Fuck that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.

Church:
Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.

Tucker:
Yeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101: remedial kick-ass.

Tex:
Alright, bomb, we need to talk.

Andy:
Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?

Tex:
Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?

Andy:
A lady? Who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.

Tex:
(sighing) I knew this was a bad idea.

Andy:
Hey, Tex, why you got black armor? Couldn't find any in flannel?

Tex:
Listen jackass—

Andy:
(laughing hysterically) Flannel!

Tex:
I put you together, I can take you apart.

Andy:
(stops laughing) Hey...whaddaya mean?

Tex:
Bombs come with remote detonators, dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but nonetheless a memory.

Andy:
I think you're bluffin'. (under breath) ...Dyke.

Tex:
Okay, strike two.

Andy:
Alright. Whaddaya want?

Tex:
Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.

Andy:
Yeah sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.

Tex:
Whoa—okay. Can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?

Andy:
Of course! But what's in it for me?

Tex:
Let's put it this way: you don't push my buttons, and I don't push yours.

Andy:
Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!

Tex:
Deal. Come on. [She starts to walk off.] Well, are you coming?

Andy:
What am I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up, ya dumb bitch!

Tex:
(exasperatedly) Great, I can tell this is starting off well.

Andy:
Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe- [Tex drops Andy with a resounding thud that shakes the screen.] Hey...aw, come on, Tex, baby, where ya goin'? It's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off big guy, laugh it off! Haha, hey Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it! Haha!

[Andy is acting as a translator for the alien]

Caboose:
What is he [the alien] saying?

Andy:
Listen guys, if want me to translate, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, "what's he sayin' now, Andy?" "what's he sayin' now?" I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!

Caboose:
That's what he said? That's a pretty weird thing to say. Ok, tell him, sorry, I will stop saying...that. And...also...no.

Church:
I think we need a translator just for Caboose.

Church:
That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken—it's right there.

Alien:
Argh blargh!

Andy:
He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.

Tex:
Uh oh.

Tucker:
Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.

Church:
This all sounds like bullshit to me.

Tex:
No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?

Church:
Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.

Tex:
Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.

Tucker:
You're coming with me, Tex?

Tex:
Me? Hell no. This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.

Tucker:
Well, I'm not going with Church. That guy's a worse fighter than I am.

Church:
Well, you're in luck, then. Cause I'm not going either.

[Simmons is trying to make the Red Team jealous]

Grif:
[to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?

Simmons:
This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.

Sheila:
Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]

Andy:
[Translating for the Alien] After we cross the Burning Plains of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

Caboose:
The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

[The Blues are about to embark on their quest]

Caboose:
I hope we meet a cleric on the way. We don't have anyone who can heal.

Andy:
He says he's a healer.

Caboose:
Oh, good.

Andy:
Not really. They eat their wounded. (starts laughing)

Caboose:
(speaks slowly) Just like chiropractors!

Caboose:
Ok, so, um, Tucker is the fighter, Crunchbite is the healer and I am the powerful.....and intelligent wizard, Morphumax.

Andy:
What the hell does that make me?

Caboose':
You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.

Andy:
A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you frickin' moron!

Caboose:
That is what makes you so stealthy. [turns away from Andy] This is going to be the best party ever.

Tucker:
I'm gonna fuckin' die.

[Simmons has Sheila attack the Red base]

Sheila:
Firing main cannon.

Simmons:
Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...

Grif:
Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

Simmons:
What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base—I mean, the Red base! Fuck!

[later]

Simmons:
You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!

Grif:
Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.

Simmons:
Well, too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch! Red bitch! Fuck, you know what I mean!

[later]

Sarge:
Grif! What are you doing all the way over there! At least Simmons has the ingenuity to formulate a traitorous plan!

Simmons:
Thank you, sir!...I mean, SUCK IT BLUE!...God dammit, I mean RED!

Sarge:
But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort! I never would've expected this from you.

Grif:
Oh, up yours.

Sarge:
What was that?

Grif:
...up yours, SIR.

Sarge:
That's better!

Church:
Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you.

Tucker:
What? I'm the cleanest guy here!

Church:
No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.

Tucker:
I hate you.

[Tucker notices Tex staring at the alien's crotch]

Tucker:
Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.

[Tex snaps out of her trance]

Tex:
Whu-What? Oh, I was just admiring his... His alien... Muscle structure...

Tucker:
Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...

Tex:
Well, that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion... that's... what i meant.

Church:
Smooth.

Caboose (horrified):
You told me it was another arm...

Alien (happily):
Blaaaaarrrrrggg!

Andy (laughing):
Hey, Caboose, high five!

Caboose (disturbed):
I don't want to do that anymore...

Tucker:
What if I have to kill stuff, dude? I'm a lover not a fighter.

Church:
Yeah Tucker, I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers.

(Short pause)

Tucker:
That sounded kinda gay, dude.

Church:
Yeah, it did... umm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.

Tucker:
Our captain died, you're just the guy pretending to be my boss.

Church:
Y-you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.

Tucker:
Except that I'm not.

Church:
(sigh, frustrated) Whatever, listen I just- as... as someone in an employee-manager relationship...

Tucker:
Which doesn't exist.

Church:
(sighs)

Tucker:
Why did you pull me aside again?

Church:
I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.

Church:
You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not going with them.

Tex:
Why? Quests are dangerous!

Church:
Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you.

Church:
(sighs) I really shoulda seen that coming.

Simmons (aggressively):
I said in the hole!

[Simmons pushes Grif into a hole he is using as a prison and Grif appears from a gravity lift behind him]

Simmons:
WHOS A BAD HOSTAGE TAKER NOW BITCH!

Grif:
I think I found a design flaw in your hole.

Alien:
Honk

Andy:
Yeah. I agree; Earth sucks!

Tucker:
Earth does not suck, Earth rules! We invented the telephone.

Alien:
Blargh blargh.

Andy:
He says they invented the telephone too, and they did it a thousand years before you did!

Tucker:
Oh, and what did they have to say on it? "Blargh blargh honk honk"? Who the fuck wants to hear that?

Donut:
How's it going, Sarge?

Sarge:
Well, Simmons has had Grif prisoner in there for far too long. He's probably subjecting him to all manner of unbearable torture. I figure in just a matter of hours, Grif's spirit will be as broken as his body, unable to cope with the never ending stimulation of pain and horror! ...But in answer to your question things are fine! Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain.

Grif:
[Off-screen] Simmons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!

Simmons:
[Off-screen] Grif, just stay down there like you're told!

Donut:
Well, that's my cue. Let's go!

[The Blues reach the Freezing Plains]

Tucker:
I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up, he's hovering over me. It's really weird.

Tex:
I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.

Caboose:
Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

[Church drops off Donut and the unconscious Sarge and Grif]

Church:
Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.

Donut:
Well, what do I tell them?

Church:
I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.

Donut:
I always did wanna be a hero... And a liar.

Church:
Well then today's your lucky day.

Simmons:
Help me get these guys in the hole.

Church:
We have a hole? That's kick ass!

Church:
And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy and really annoying.

Simmons:
Yeah...

Church:
But, at least he's smart. In fact, I think he might the smartest one of the bunch.

Simmons:
You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.

Church:
No, I mean all of them put together, man. There's this other guy who hangs around, in maroon armour... Well, I haven't seen him in a while, but he's a freakin' know-it-all, man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.

Simmons:
What?

Church:
Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place... Yeah, y'know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.

Simmons (a slight quiver in his voice):
What do they say?

Church:
Oh, just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also how he's not as attractive as other people are...

Simmons (starting to cry):
(sniff) Yeah, he sounds like a real jerk...

Church:
Hey, where're ya going?

Simmons (off-screen; on the verge of tears):
I have to use the bathroom...

Church:
Well, hurry up, man, I have to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner.

Sheila:
...You do know that's Simmons, right?

Church:
Oh yeah.

Sheila:
This isn't a parking lot, Church. This is a team! A family. Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?

Church:
Right. Including the time you killed me.

Sheila:
How about if I suddenly decided I wasn't the Blue Team's tank? What if, today, I'm feeling just a little bit Red?

Church:
And you work- and you work with Blue Command?

Vic, Jr.:
Oh, right dude. Good one, dude. Blue Command. [Winks] Wink!

Donut:
Halt! Who goes there?

Simmons:
Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)

Donut:
Oh, right, you. What do you want?

Simmons:
I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?

Donut:
I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)

Simmons:
What's your problem, Donut?

Donut:
Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.

Simmons:
I'm not the enemy.

Donut:
Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.

Simmons:
More like pink.

Donut:
I have a gun.

Simmons:
OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

Donut:
You helped the Blues.

Simmons:
And fooled them.

Donut:
You knocked Sarge out, twice.

Simmons:
Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.

Donut:
Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.

Simmons:
No, the Blues don't know either.

Church:
Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?

Sheila:
I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.

Sarge:
What's all this ruckus?

Donut:
There's an enemy trying to get into the base.

Sarge:
Where?

Donut:
Right there.

Sarge:
Where? Behind Simmons?

Simmons:
He means me sir.

Donut:
Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Simmons:
Donut, I did tell you it was me.

Donut:
Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".

Simmons:
That's because I am me.

Donut:
But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

Simmons:
That's because I'm me.

Grif:
And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Simmons:
Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge:
I don't want to hear it, Blue.

Simmons:
What, this is valuable information about the war.

Sarge:
There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

Simmons:
But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

Donut:
Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.

Simmons:
No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge:
Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled

Grif:
Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

Church:
Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes! What's up guys?

Tucker:
Meh.

Church:
Hey, where's Tex?

Tucker:
Gone.

Church:
Where's the alien?

Tucker:
Dead.

Church:
Well, how'd the quest go?

Tucker:
Failed.

Church:
Yeah, you know, I, I probably didn't even need to ask that last question, did I?

Church:
Well, is Tex okay?

Tucker:
She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.

Church:
Tex?

Tucker:
Yeah.

Church:
Wyoming?

Tucker:
Yes.

Caboose:
Massachusetts!

Tucker:
Seriously, stop it.

Caboose:
No, we came home because the alien died, and because the, uh, glowing sword turned out to be a, uh, glowing key.

Church:
Yeah, glowing key that can still stab people.

Caboose:
Right.

Church:
So it is a sword, It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.

Caboose:
Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.

Church:
God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.

Caboose:
Yeah. I have a really good time.

Church:
Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

Church:
Hey, you don't think it's the sword that's makin' him sick, do you?

Caboose:
I don't see how. It hasn't sneezed once.

Church:
We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

Caboose:
Or, maybe it runs on solar power!

Church:
Why would solar power make him sick?

Caboose:
Is he a republican?

Tucker:
(retches)

Church:
That better have been in your bucket!

Caboose:
I'll get the mop.

Church:
Andy, what in the Hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure you guys took?

Andy:
How should I know?

Caboose:
He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...

Church:
Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!

Caboose:
I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.

Andy:
He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

At an evil lair, somewhere nearby...

ring...ring...ring...

O'Malley:
[still ringing] For the love of evil, someone get the phone!

Lopez:
[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Why don't you get it?

O'Malley:
[still ringing] You fool, can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot! What do I pay you for?

Lopez:
[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] To clean up after all your failed plots.

O'Malley:
[still ringing] Oh shut up you fool, you don't even have a body!

Lopez:
[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.

Doc:
[still ringing] Why all this bickering, can't we all just get along?

O'Malley:
[still ringing] And answer the damn phone!

Lopez:
[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?

O'Malley:
[still ringing] I find you far too sarcastic with just a head.

...ring...ring...ring

Simmons:
I don't recognize the authority of this court.

Sarge:
No one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.

Grif:
Who's the prosecution?

Sarge:
Well, I am, of course.

Simmons:
You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest!

Sarge:
I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection!

Grif:
Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.

Simmons:
Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.

Grif:
Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

[Cut to Grif and Simmons from the past looking at an enormous cake]

Simmons:
Oh, my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.

Grif:
Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

O'Malley:
I haven't been here in quite some time. Which one is the blue base?

Doc:
It's the blue one.

O'Malley:
Oh, yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design.

[Doc/O'Malley slowly approaching the blue base]

O'Malley:
Hm... it's quiet. Too quiet.

[A sudden sniper rifle shot narrowly misses his head]

O'Malley:
Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

Church:
Alright Hold it right there!

Lopez:
[Subtitled] I see someone now. I think he has a gun.

O'Malley:
Yes, I see that. Thank you for keeping us informed... Moron.

Church:
That was a warning shot, O'Malley. If you make any funny moves, the next one is going right in the middle of your visor.

Caboose:
You think you can make that shot from here?

Church:
Uhh, probably not since I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God, I think someone fuck's with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.

O'Malley:
We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is until we need it, HAHAHAHAHA!

Church:
No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is.

O'Malley:
(Chuckling fiendishly) Oh yes you will. You will or else your little friend Tucker will die. Die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him. So you will let me do what I want. You will agree even if what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening! What I want is something PURE EVIL!(Laughs madly) I've also been told that a $20 co-pay is pretty much standard.

Church:
All right. Fine.

O'Malley:
Ah, you fool. And we want the $20 up-front!

Church:
Fine!

O'Malley:
And in cash.

Church:
Whatever!

O'Malley:
Ah, you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles, or at least a 30-day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools.

Church:
Caboose, give me 20 dollars. Wait, give me 30 dollars.

Church:
Andy, this is Doc, Doc, this is Andy. Uh, Andy, Doc is here to help Tucker, and he's also our worst enemy, you know, besides the Reds, and Tex on certain days.

O'Malley:
Well, thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball. Hello bowling ball.

Andy:
Actually, I'm a bomb.

O'Malley:
It can talk?

Andy:
Why is it the first thing everybody says to me?!

O'Malley:
A talking bomb you say? Hmm, I could use a fellow like you in my organisation, heh heh.

Church:
Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.

O'Malley:
I see... well, this is certainly awkward.

Andy:
KABOOM!

O'Malley:
[recoiling] Satan's bunions!

Andy:
Ha ha ha! I was just kidding, I didn't really explode! heh heh!

Church:
Ha ha ha ha. Good one.

O'Malley:
Yes highly amusive.

Sarge:
Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?

Donut:
Right here.

Simmons:
How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?

Lopez:
No.

Caption:
No.

Grif:
Well, if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.

Donut:
I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.

Sarge:
What've you two been talkin' about?

Donut:
Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.

Lopez:
Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.

Caption:
Please make the pink one stop talking to me.

Sarge:
Ask him where he's been - No, ask him where he's going - Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.

Donut:
¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?

Caption:
Lopez, do you know what time it is?

Donut:
Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo qui juega el tenis.

Caption:
I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.

Donut:
Yo comido un lápiz.

Caption:
I ate a pencil.

Donut:
Adios!

Lopez:
...

Caption:
...

Donut:
Hmm, looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.

[Listening to the spanish recording from command]

Simmons:
This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to; Vic Jr. I'll bet his kid's changed sides.

Sarge:
Eggs Benedict Arnold! Those dirty traitors!

[Pause]

Sarge:
No offence, Simmons.

Simmons:
None taken, Sir.

Sarge:
...Traitor.

Simmons:
God dammit!

Doc:
Okay, everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

O'Malley:
That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket". Muaheheheh!

Church:
Uhh... Sorry, I'm busy.

Doc:
Caboose?

Caboose:
I can't.

Doc:
Well, why not?

Caboose:
Oh. Because... I am allergic to things I don't want to do... [Fakes coughing] ...Coughing.

Doc:
Ok, just more fun for me.

Doc:
Hey, guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

Church:
What is it, Doc?

Doc:
You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

O'Malley:
Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

Church:
Just tell us, Doc. We can take it.

Doc:
Your friend is -

Caboose:
Dying? Oh, no!

Doc:
No, he's not dying, he just has -

Caboose:
No chance to live. I knew it!

Church:
Caboose, one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

Doc:
How do I say this, your friend is...

Church:
Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

Doc:
No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

Caboose:
Oh, good... Wait, what?

O'Malley:
Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

Church:
All right, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund

Doc:
No it's true. We found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. I think.

Church:
(to Andy and Caboose) Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

Andy:
(chuckles) Don't look at me! Tucker's not my type!

Caboose:
Cha! Me neither. And, uh, maybe we should have the...doctor explain, uh, just how babies are made, y'know? Uh, in case someone...in the group, uh, may not exactly know how that happens...

Church:
Oh my God, Caboose shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

Caboose:
Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaaaard... this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how this whole thing started.

Church:
Alright, what's wrong? You seem nervous.

Caboose:
What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy!

Church:
Hey! No one is pregnant! And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk, man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

Caboose:
(short pause) I'd like that.

O'Malley:
Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, let me get you started. There's three holes. (short, maniacal laugh)

Doc:
Oh, gross

O'Malley:
I meant in the bowling ball!

[Sarge is sneaking up behind Caboose to try and steal Andy]

Sarge:
[Grabs Andy and replaces him with Lopez] Yoink!

Caboose:
Andy?

[Caboose looks around]

Caboose:
...Andy?

[He sees Lopez on the ground]

Caboose:
What happened to you?

Lopez:
Rapido, antes de les que se vuelvan. Cave un agujero y entiérreme. Por favor.

Caption:
Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.

Caboose:
Andy, you turned in to a real boy!

Sarge:
Regroup, men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo!

Grif:
Uh...

Sarge:
Simmons! Pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget!

Simmons:
[Simmons and Donut are arming their weapons] Already on it, sir!

Doc:
It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.

Church:
I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.

Doc:
Yeah also that.

Church:
And infectious diseases.

Doc:
Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Like this green, [points to Church's head] indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.

Church:
If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it.

Doc:
[points to Church's crotch] And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency. My bad, Church.

Church:
Oh, that's okay. I wasn't using it anyway.

Tucker:
Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?

Doc:
Oh, boy. Caboose, you better go boil some water.

Caboose:
How can you think of soup at a time like this?

Simmons:
Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Church:
Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

[The Reds hide behind the rock and whisper something involving the word "sandwich".]

Simmons:
Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Church:
Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

[The Reds whisper again.]

Simmons:
We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

Church:
WHAT!?

Simmons:
Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Church:
Sheila, shut him up.

[Sheila fires her cannon against the rock.]

Simmons:
(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Donut:
Is that a no?!

Church:
Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

[An akward silence ensues.]

Grif:
...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

Church:
HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Andy:
Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

Church:
What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Andy:
Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

[Caboose contacts Church through the radio.]

Caboose:
Come in, Church. Come in.

Church:
Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Caboose:
Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

Church:
(aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge:
That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

[Back at Blue base, Tucker is grunting as Doc tends to him.]

Doc:
Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Alien Baby:
Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

Church:
What. Was that.

Caboose:
Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

Tucker:
It's not mine!

Church:
(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

Sarge:
Donut! Get back here! Wait for the ship.

Donut:
But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth! That could take days, weeks, months or even years!

[A Pelican aircraft lands on top of Donut and the Reds look on blankly for a second.]

Simmons:
Ship's here.

Grif:
[Quickly] Shotgun.