Robot Chicken, Season 5

Matthew Senreich:
[during the opening Saving Private Ryan parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down] I'll tell your story! [Matthew Senreich is shot down]

Daniel/Gyro-Robo:
I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal!

[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing American Pie, the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]

Announcer:
And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.

Doug:
So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts?

Man:
We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA. [a shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]

Spongebob:
[At the Krusty Krab] Krabby Patties are made out of crab! [customers gasp, Green Fish retches, spits]

Mr. Krabs:
Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.

Spongebob:
Then explain this! [Holds out box of crab legs] You said you fired Carl the night janitor. But this is his tattoo! [Holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]

Mr. Krabs:
You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!

Spongebob:
And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are squid!

Squidward:
[Throws up]

Spongebob:
And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!

Yellow Fish:
[Pushes bowl out of reach]

Customers:
[Get up and form around Mr. Krabs]

Green Fish:
You fed us to us!

Orange Fish:
Are we paying you to kill us?

Spongebob:
You're disgusting.

Mr. Krabs:
No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended.

Customers:
[Beat up Mr. Krabs]

Spongebob:
[Sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.

[At a hospital. A fat, likely pregnant man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side.]

Nurse:
Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. [Begins scrubbing with a sponge]

Spongebob:
[Pushes scene aside] I SAID, NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE! *Splat*

Nurse:
Uggh... I hope that's pudding in there...

Gonzo:
For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am.

Hooded Killer:
No! For your next feat, you die!

[The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. The scene then cuts straight to Gonzo's funeral.]

Kermit:
Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Steve Martin:
The lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lay down-

Miss Piggy:
[interrupting] Oh, are we burying him in a Sybian?

[Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin.]

Fozzie:
You know, the last time a Muppet died-

Steve Martin:
: [interrupting] Excuse me?

Fozzie:
Don't you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?

Steve Martin:
No, this is a funeral. I'm working. Do I come to where you work and knock the shit outta your mouth?!

Kermit:
Wow, Steve's working blue, but he's right. We vowed never to talk about that night. [the characters look at Scooter, then back at each other. Cut to Fozzie's room]

Fozzie:
And then the dam says, "the aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka!

Hooded Killer:
Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red?

Fozzie:
I don't know, stranger.

Hooded Killer:
Because he was embarrassed!

Fozzie:
[deadpan clapping] Wocka wocka.

Hooded Killer:
Then how about this? Because I f***ing stabbed him! [stabs Fozzie]

Fozzie:
What a show stopper...

Statler:
See? I told you the bear was gonna die onstage tonight.

[Statler and Waldorf laugh]

Fozzie:
Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?

Waldorf:
You're an ambulance.

[Statler and Waldorf laugh again, as the killer drags Fozzie away forcefully, and pushes a wagon on-stage]

[Wheels Squeaking]

Kermit:
First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did?

Miss Piggy:
Don't say that name, Kermy.

Kermit:
Oh, Miss Piggy's telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Piggy's telling me what to do! Wow, must be a date to the why!

[Scooter is carrying props.]

Kermit:
Oh hey, uh, Scooter?

Scooter:
Oh! Hey there, boss.

Kermit:
We need to talk about Skeeter's death.

Scooter:
Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident.

Kermit:
You know, I'm gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you. [Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody] Kermit: Let's play "The Little Mermaid"! Fozzie: Let's question Kermit's sexuality. Wocka wocka! Scooter: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties. Skeeter: What a nerd. Piggy: [clears throat] Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid". Skeeter: Mermaids aren't fat! [Smack!] Kermit: Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away. [Skeeter slaps Kermit away] Fozzie: Nanny! Skeeter's hitting us again! Kermit: Yeah, who's the homo now? [More smacking sounds; Skeeter gets hit by a wagon.] Kermit: If we do this thing, it's our secret forever. [All Muppet Babies agree and drown Skeeter in the pool.] All Muppet Babies: Nanny?!

[Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody]

Kermit:
Let's play "The Little Mermaid"!

Fozzie:
Let's question Kermit's sexuality. Wocka wocka!

Scooter:
Hold on! Let me grab my floaties.

Skeeter:
What a nerd.

Piggy:
[clears throat] Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".

Skeeter:
Mermaids aren't fat! [Smack!]

Kermit:
Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away.

[Skeeter slaps Kermit away]

Fozzie:
Nanny! Skeeter's hitting us again!

Kermit:
Yeah, who's the homo now?

[More smacking sounds; Skeeter gets hit by a wagon.]

Kermit:
If we do this thing, it's our secret forever.

[All Muppet Babies agree and drown Skeeter in the pool.]

All Muppet Babies:
Nanny?!

[Back to present]

Scooter:
You killed my sister?

Kermit:
It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. And we think Skeeter's come back from the grave for revenge!

Scooter:
Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge…

[Scooter becomes Skeeter {I have absolutely no idea how taking glasses off and putting an eyeless pair makes you into Skeeter}, and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear.]

Scooter/Skeeter:
[attacks Kermit] Fifteen seconds till your death!

Miss Piggy:
HIIII-YAH! [she misses] Wuh!

Scooter/Skeeter:
Here it comes. Showtime!

Camilla:
[clucking, subtitled] "Get away from her, you bitch!"

Scooter/Skeeter:
You can't shoot me. Chickens don't even have fingers.

[Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head.]

Scooter/Skeeter:
Oooooooooh!

Steve Martin [chuckling]:
It never gets old.

Joker:
[laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Watch out, Gotham City, no-one can stop... The Joker! [Batman immediately swoops in, and starts graphically beating up the Joker into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]

Batman:
No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!

The Joker:
That means somehow I win! I go to jail, break out, kill people, go to jail!! Rinse and repeat -

Batman:
Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm... :[scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]

Judge:
And with the accepted go-to by Batman, [aside glance] thank you, Batman, the court has decided on the death penalty!

Batman:
[to Joker] Sorry, it's out of my hands.

Commissioner Gordon:
Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?

The Joker:
[in an almost sincere voice] I knew Jesus has forgiven me.

Police Officer:
Is that a joke?

The Joker:
[sobbing] No! [the police officer then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and he starts to become violently electrocuted]

Police Officer:
That's not right.

Commissioner Gordon:
Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!

The Joker:
[as he's still being electrocuted] F*ck you, Dork Knight! [everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]

Police Officer:
Oh, oh- [he and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]

Commissioner Gordon:
[nervously backing away] I didn't know- I-I didn't know...

Batman:
Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?

Commissioner Gordon:
[somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips Gordon, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off.]

[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, [which of course is barely understood by the audience)]

Charlie Brown:
Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here.

Lucy:
You'll always be the shit catcher, Charlie Brown!

Sally:
Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo!

Linus:
[rolls his eyes] Oh, brother!

[new kid struts in]

Kid:
Hey everyone! My name's Ren. Ren McCormick.

Sally:
[pushes Linus away] Hello!!

Charlie Brown:
You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production.

Ren:
I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. [silence] You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. [silence] [sighs] I'm Kevin Bacon's character from Footloose. [still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance] Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen.

Pigpen:
Excuse me?

Ren:
Sorry, [bleep]-box...

Pigpen:
It's Pigpen.

Ren:
Sorry.

Pigpen:
It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best.

Ren:
You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is that guy even doing? [cuts to the kid dancing the running man]

Kid:
I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!!

Ren:
Sorry, I need to get the [bleep] out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. [leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]

Ren's Classmate:
Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional!

Ren:
Alright!

Ren's Classmate:
Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks.

Ren:
[stops dancing] Rats!

Snape:
[to Hogwarts students after explaining how to mix a potion] Well, why aren't you writing this down?

Ron:
We usually don't start until you insult Harry.

Snape:
Am I really that predictable? Fine. Uh, Potter, you fool!

Ron:
[after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]

Herminone:
How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?

Ron:
Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes]

Herminone:
Professor Snape, what happened?

Snape:
He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.

Harry:
He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!

Herminone:
This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?

Snape:
Uh... Potter, you fool?

[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]

Lumiere:
[sung] So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.

Cogsworth:
Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation! [a chamber pot appears, butting into the song]

Defecacci:
Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace. After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face.

Lumiere:
[pushes Chamber Pot away] Have some seconds/eat a lot-

Defecacci:
Then come meet your chamber pot...

Lumiere [speaking, as music stops completely] Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here!

Defecacci:
What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot!

Lumiere:
None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!

Defecacci:
Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-

Lumiere:
[angrily] I said, people are EATING!

Defecacci:
[bounds away in a huff] Dah, porca miseria...

Lumiere:
OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go?

[cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]

Defecacci:
Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn.

Belle:
[in disgust] Does everything have to be a (bleep)ing song?!

Mr. Phillipson:
[discovering his sex client is a duck] Holy shit! You're a duck!

Donna Duck:
That's right, baby! Now why don'tcha ruffle my feathers?

Mr. Phillipson:
Why are you a duck?

Donna Duck:
I'm what you ordered.

Mr. Phillipson:
I did not order a duck.

Donna Duck:
I don't know how it could've gotten out wrong.

Mr. Phillipson:
Oh, what kind of four letter word other than duck would I use with a bad cell phone connection?

Donna Duck:
[sighs] Fine. But you're still going to have to pay me for your time.

Mr. Phillipson:
There's no way I'm going to pay to not f*ck a cartoon duck. Normally, not paying to not f*ck a cartoon duck is free.

Donna Duck:
[dials her cell phone] We have a problem.

Mr. Phillipson:
Who are you calling? [Donna's bodyguard bursts in]

Stedman:
[in a stereotypical gangster patois] Have we gots ourselves a problem here?

Mr. Phillipson:
Uh, no?

Stedman:
Just pay the duck!

Mr. Phillipson:
This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to- [starts getting beaten up]

Donna Duck:
Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!!

[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]

Kratos:
I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! [walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]

Artemis:
[voice] Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!

Kratos:
Uh, one of them's a dude.

Artemis:
What's the problem? You're in Greece.

Kratos:
I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A DUDE!

Artemis:
Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs.

Kratos:
[thinking] The Blades of Chaos are thirsty... I could not turn that down.

Artemis:
We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls.

Kratos:
What? Who do you think I am?!

Artemis:
We already established that. Now we're just negotiating.

Kratos:
Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.

Artemis:
I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes.

Kratos:
Alright. [pauses] You're not going to watch, are you?

Artemis:
Only as long as I need to.

Dora the Explorer:
[climbing Mt. Everest] I'm Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave.

Jesus:
[the Grim Reaper had just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven] You can't do that!

Grim Reaper:
Did it!

Jesus:
You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him!

God:
Actually you can. you see, if you die in heaven, you go to- Super Heaven.

Jesus:
What?!

Gladys:
[playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off] Super Heaven is awesome!!

Mr. Krabs:
Um what are you talking about my boy I just have crab legs because I collected them not for my Pattie.

SpongeBob:
Looks Like Plankton was right about you and not as evil as you

Mr. Krabs:
Plankton didn't have anything to do with this

SpongeBob:
He said you were hiding something and it turns out you were hiding being a disgusting cannibal.

Mr. Krabs:
well it's how the nature works we eat each other

SpongeBob:
so you admit it

Mr. Krabs:
no I just said If I did cook it in my patties it's just how nature works

SpongeBob:
now your just lying

Mr. Krabs :
Um now I am not hehe

Plankton:
yes you are I know were hiding something oh and also you killed your own daughters mother

SpongeBob:
you what

Mr Krabs:
don't believe him he is just lying and saying stuff

Plankton:
Then explain how you even got her in the first place huh and why I saw a whale and her mother wasn't there and why you had a hook and everything else.

Mr Krabs:
I was boating yeah that's it hehe

SpongeBob:
now your just lying

Plankton:
I know it and you killed her mother too

SpongeBob:
you what?

Mr Krabs:
he is lying

Plankton:
then explain why you hade a knife?

Mr Krabs:
I was cutting food

Plankton:
outside?

Mr Krabs:
yeah I was cutting food outside

Plankton:
then why was their blood on the knife?

Mr Krabs:
it's not blood it was ketchup he ha he

SpongeBob:
enough I am done with your lying Mr Krabs we know what you did even plankton knows and confesses now

Mr Krabs:
fine I kissed Pearl's mother

Plankton:
I knew it

SpongeBob:
your sick and you know what I quit and I will work with Plankton in the chum bucket for now and you can think about what you did

Mr Krabs said I hate you Plankton if you didn't came and told everyone I would have still had my best fry cook

Squidward:
not like you cared about me or him at all I should have listened to Plankton.

So they all left the Krusty Krab and eat at the chum bucket and SpongeBob worked for Plankton now

Pearl:
I can't believe you daddy you killed me mother and lied about it and made sea creatures into food I hate you forever and I know have never met you and let me adopted you

Peal Left with all the other and left Mr Krabs alone.

Head Executive:
So, to sum up, we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola.

Executive:
I have to say, it's a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters!

[The executives laugh]

Larry:
Are we sure we don't wanna replace him with Britney Spears?

[The executives laugh some more, until Santa Claus barges into the room with a grumpy look on his face; the room fall silent]

Santa Claus:
Ho ho ho. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, no need to get up.

Head Executive:
Uh, who are you?

Santa Claus:
Why, I'm Santa Claus. I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here. Please, someone tell me what was so funny. [points to the executive 3 times] Make. Me. Laugh. [beat] Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day. It involved a large multi-national corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation. Ho ho ho! Isn't that hilarious?!

Larry:
N-Now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that!

Santa Claus:
Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the Louisville Slugger you asked for when you were 9? [pulls out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat from his coat]

Larry:
How did you know that?

Santa Claus:
I know a lot of things, Larry. I know that you've been on my naughty list since '72. I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931. [takes off his coat] And I know I've never seen a dime, and you know what that means, Larry?! [whispers] I know you're a [bleep]ing thief!

[Santa attempts to whack Larry with the baseball bat, but he gets up on the table where he swings a Coke bottle at Santa. Santa Claus hits him twice with the baseball bat. He gets him off the table where he decapitates Larry with two swings to the head. A woman executive smashes a Coca-Cola picture over Santa's head before he kicks her away. Santa grabs another executive and shoves his head into a Coke cooler. He is seen with two Coke bottles sticking out of his eyes. Santa punches him in the stomach which makes him puke Coke. Santa opens a door where a hungry polar bear grabs another executive and eats him. The head executive attempts to swing at Santa, but he gets the bat and decapitates the head executive 7 times with it]

Santa Claus:
[puts his coat back on] I'll expect my check in the mail. [moves the door which reveals three more scared executives who gasped] You [bleep]ers can spell North Pole, can't ya? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears... [pulls out Britney Spear's severed head from his bag] Think again. Ho ho ho! [smiles at the executives]

[We start looking out at a cave. Caveman Santa Claus is putting rocks on bows. Caveman Santa Claus smiled. Then the Cave Girl enters the cave, rubbing her eyes. Then she sees Caveman Santa, who turns around. As he shushes her quietly, the Cave Girl started screaming. Caveman Santa Claus tries to stop the Cave Girl from screaming loudly, but he couldn't. Then two Caveman parents enter the cave. The Caveman Dad who holds a stick, is really angry. Caveman Santa Claus convinces the Caveman Dad that he's delivering rocks for Christmas, and gives himself a jolly laugh. But the Caveman Dad looks really mad. Caveman is ready to kill Caveman Santa Claus with a stick. The Cave Mom and the Cave Girl run for their lives, screaming as the Caveman Dad started killing Caveman Santa Claus. He then picked his brain up. Then we cut to the bedroom as the mom tucks her daughter up with the covers]

Mother:
And that's the story of the very first Christmas.

Daughter:
Wait a minute, Mama. How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa?

Mother:
Hmm. You're right. [we cut to outside where she is putting presents in the trash can on fire] No Santa, no Christmas. no Christmas presents.

Daughter:
[crying] Awwww!

Mother:
Oh, you really would've liked this one.

Daughter:
Awwww!

[In the McAllister household, Kevin places the BBQ starter onto the doorknob of the front door to make it scalding hot on the other side]

Kevin:
When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise. [we cut to his room where he unfolds his map of traps to check if anything is prepared] Nails on basement stairs...check. Iron attached to string...check. [back downstairs, he looks over the broken ornaments and toys he's cunningly placed on the floor] Trucks, ornaments...check. Paint cans... [in the upstairs hall, he checks the rope connected to the paint cans and releases it, making it vibrate] ...check. [back in his room, he's in bed, preparing to go to sleep as he puts the map on his bedside table before wiping his hands] Safe and sound. [falls straight asleep. Outside the room, the BBQ starter that is connected to the door knob starts burning, causing a fire to start. The smoke spreads into his's room, which makes him start coughing sharply. He then wakes with a cough, realizes what's happening, and puts his hands to his cheeks in the scared but classic Home Alone pose] The fire!

[Still coughing and blinded by the smoke, Kevin walks to the stairs, forgetting about the trip wire at the top. He bumps into it, causes the paint can to smack him in the head, and is sent violently bouncing and screaming down the stairs, hitting his bottom and his head, which breaks several bones to cause pain, with each bounce. Flying into the wall at the bottom, Kevin attempts to recover, but instead falls dizzily face first into the objects he placed on the floor, cutting his face. Still screaming, he does the pose again, goes to open the front door, and severely burns both of his hands on the knob; then he puts his hands to his cheeks again, only to find that because of the big burn, his hands are now melded to his face. Now in agony, Kevin runs to the basement and begins to walk down the stairs, but stabs the nail he placed there through his foot, making it bleed. Now crying, Kevin tumbles down the stairs and tries to turn on the light; however, this is the light he connected to the iron above. The iron falls on Kevin's head, making him stop screaming once and for all. We then cut to outside as the house burns in the background, and The Wet Bandits, Marv and Harry, and Kevin's parents, Peter and Kate, simply watch as his body is taken away by some paramedics into an ambulance]

Kate:
[crying] Oh, my baby...

Harry:
We were just driving by when we saw the flames. Is that kid gonna be okay?

[The sheet is pulled back to reveal his burned and stabbed face with his hands still glued to it, which makes Kate scream and do the Home Alone pose as well]

[On a street, at Christmas time as snow falls with a Santa ringing a bell for charity in the background, three young boys sing a holiday favorite...]

Boys:
[singing] Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its-

[One of the boys, Dougie, turns and bumps into someone...it's the Caped Crusader himself alongside his partner Robin]

Dougie:
[surprised] Batman?!

[Santa turns, sees the duo and flees in a panic]

Batman:
Keep singing boys, we were learning a lot.

Robin:
[sarcastically] Yeah, I never knew Batman had an odor problem.

Batman:
[sniffs under his armpits] Hmm...weird, I don't smell anything. Do you Dougie? [grabs Dougie's head and stuffs the boy's face into his armpit. Dougie's muffled screams can be heard] I can't hear you. [throws Dougie back to his friends]

Dougie:
[starting to cry] I want my mommy!

Batman:
Yeah, me too. [high-fives with Robin]

Robin:
[steps forward] I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs. [suddenly grabs Dougie's head and starts slamming it into his ass-cheeks] You wanna check these for some eggs?! Huh, you see any [bleep]ing eggs in there?! [lets Dougie go]

Boy:
We gotta go! Run! Get out of here!

[The three boys start to run down the street]

Robin:
They're getting away, Batman!

Batman:
Not on my watch. [presses a button on his glove. Suddenly, as the three boys run for it the Batmobile arrives and runs them all over] The rats are scattering.

Robin:
[pulling out his Bolo Whip and swings it] Holy, these mother[bleep]ers aren't going anywhere! [throws the Bolo Whip which wraps round one of the boys feet, tripping him up and causing him to land on his face, causing gruesome injuries]

[Batman then throws a Batarang, which lodges itself firmly in Dougie's back causing him to fall. As the boy struggles for life, Batman walks over and throws a few more in his back and a final one in his head, finishing him off. As the final boy climbs onto the kerb, Robin walks up]

Boy:
[desperately] Sorry!

Robin:
You can tell your dentist "I'M" sorry!

[Robin raises his leg and kerb-stomps the boy...and as he does, we cut to reality, as a music teacher is telling this story to one of the young boys in his class as his horrified classmates listen on]

Music Teacher:
And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance because Batman is above the law. But please Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and [bleep]ing up my Christmas program. No? All right then, from the top.

[Kyle is busy putting plastic propellers on biplane toys. His first thought is cocking his rifle. His second thought his blasting one of the elves with his rifle. And his last thought is stabbing Santa in the stomach. Then one of the elves appeared next to him as his thoughts vanished]

Elf:
[to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Have any plans for the holiday break?

Kyle:
[pause] Yes.

Elf:
Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...?

Billy:
[in bed] Dad, is Santa Claus real?

Billy's Dad:
Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents.

Billy:
Does he always live in the North Pole?

Billy's Dad:
Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. [the scene shows Santa plays baseball] He even played for the Cubs.

[Cut back to Billy and his dad]

Billy:
Wow! Tell me more about Santa!

Billy's Dad:
Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show.

[Cut to Santa at the studio]

Santa Claus:
[recording his voice] You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.

[Cut back to Billy and his dad]

Billy:
He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up?

Billy's Dad:
Sure! He was just like you! [the scene shows Santa as a baby] The apple of his parents' eye. [cut back to him and Billy] He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. [the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music] And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs.

[Cut back to Billy and his dad]

Billy:
Santa's the coolest!

Billy's Dad:
He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. [leaves]

Billy:
Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.

[As Billy's dad closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]

Billy's Dad:
[memory] He grew up right here in Chicago. [he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall] He even played for the Cubs. [he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken] He loves Robot Chicken! [he sees the apple logo on his computer] The apple of his parents' eye. [he backs away and accidentally knocks his mug on the floor; deep voice] Barrel of laughs.

[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]

Narrator:
The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists.

Boy 1:
Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.

Boy 2:
Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.

Boy 1:
What earthquake?

Boy 2:
Exactly, bitch!

Superman:
[flies down] Kids! Kids! Take it easy.

Boys:
[surprised] Superman!

Superman:
It's not important who's fastest.

Boy 1:
Spoken like a true puss.

Superman:
[insulted] What did you [bleep]ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little [bleep]ing turd?! [knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand] You come at me! You come at me like a [bleep]ing man! [smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]

Boy 2:
[laughing] I've got to blog about the [bleep] that just went down right here!

[At the North Pole]

Santa Claus:
Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? [laughs]

Elf:
So, who is the fastest, Santa?

Santa Claus:
[laughs] That's not important.

Elf:
Spoken like a true puss.

Santa Claus:
[insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth] We doing this, blue balls?!

Superman:
You got that right, Saint Dick! [cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world] Hey! No fair using reindeer!

Santa Claus:
[sarcastically] Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you [bleep]ing alien!

[The boy shoots a gun where Superman and Santa race. And after hours, Santa and Superman are then seen racing over the finish line at the exact same time, surprising everyone]

Elf Spectator:
It's a tie!

Boy 2:
What a complete and total waste of everybody's time!

Flash:
Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.

Crowd:
Booo!!!

[The Flash speeds off]

Superman:
[laugh] Sorry we took so long, folks.

Santa Claus:
Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. [opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]

Superman:
Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently!

Santa Claus:
Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.

[Everyone cheered]

Superman:
I think they're buying it. Bump it.

Santa Claus:
[fist bumps with Superman] Anticipated.

Superman:
Up up and away.

Lex Luthor:
[waking up] What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and-

Superman:
Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor? Not on my watch.

Lex Luthor:
[confused] What? Weaponiz-

[Santa Claus slams the door in Lex Luthor's face before the two high five and smile at the camera. During the credits, Santa and Superman are seen doing what they really did when they had the race]

Doctor:
Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis.

Woody:
OK guys, Andy's almost home from college for Spring break!

[All the toys cheer]

Slinky:
How would they celebrate a spring breakin'? That's the saddest time for me.

[The other toys laugh]

Woody:
Oh, Slink.

Buzz:
Silly canine.

Mr. Potato Head:
What a freakin' jerk.

Rex:
Andy's here!

[Music plays]

Sarge:
All right ladies, single file, front and center! [all the toys line up for Andy's arrival] Commander-in-chief on the premises!

Soldier:
You mean Obama?

[Music stops]

Sarge:
He's not my president.

[The door flies open as Andy comes in, carrying and kissing his girlfriend]

Slinky:
[gets tangled around Andy's leg] TELL MY STORY! [gets kicked aside sending him flying with an off-screen crash sound effect]

Woody:
[whispers] Etch, what's going on up there?

[Etch draws a diagram of what appears to be doggy-style intercourse off-screen, causing all of the toys to gross out. Rex vomits into Mr. Potato Head's body, making his eyes pop out in streams of vomit]

Buzz:
You gotta help that girl, Sarge!

Sarge:
Oh, God! She won't stop screaming! What does "[bleep] my [bleep]ing box dry" even mean?!

Andy:
This is awesome! [continues kissing]

[As the sounds of kissing stop, Rex nervously looks up at the bed and gets a used condom on his face]

Rex:
Oh! [tries to get it off, but accidentally knocks himself out when he runs into a chest of drawers] Oof!

Andy:
[opens a drawer on his bedside table and searches for something] Aw, dammit! I left my favorite toy back at the dorm.

Woody:
[shocked] His favorite toy!?

Andy:
[picks up Buzz from beside the bed] Time to improvise.

Buzz:
Aah!

[Sawing and other noises are heard]

Woody:
[looks up in confusion and dismay] What's he doing with Buzz?

Andy:
Yes! And ready for a test drive.

[Bubbling sounds]

Mr. Potato Head:
[shocked as well] He didn't. Not Buzz...

Andy:
[inhaling] To infinity and beyond! [puts down Buzz, now revealed to have been turned into a makeshift bong. His helmet is smashed, his eyes are half-lidded, and the scalp of his head is gone. Smoke is coming out from his head and from a pipe wedged into his crotch; exhaling; intoxicated] Domino, motherfucker! [laughs] Buzzed by Buzz! [laughs]

Woody:
[nervously] Buzz? You okay?

Buzz:
[in his goofy voice] Hello, Woody! [gasps] Do you know what my daddy did? Poop! He pooped! ♪ Boop-de-doop doop boop! ♪ [dances stupidly] Ah, somebody left some poop in his pants. [falls backwards]

Woody:
[catches Buzz] It's okay, pal. We're here for ya.

[Cut to sunset, with Woody lying Buzz in a cardboard bed]

Buzz:
And the farmer, he hauls, another load away! Bye, load! Bye, load!

Woody:
[holding back tears] Good night, sweet prince.

Buzz:
We gonna play tomorrow?

Woody:
[pretending to be happy] You bet, pal. You bet. [picks up a pillow]

Buzz:
[weak last words] To infinity...

[Woody forces the pillow over Buzz's head, and starts suffocating Buzz with it, and exhausting it straight through his damaged head, and into the receptors of his buttons. Buzz tries to scream again, but he is out of breath from screams from the earlier suffocating. After Buzz stops struggling and falls limp, Woody removes the pillow, and looks at Buzz's dead corpse]

Woody:
[remorsefully] ...And beyond. [starts to cry]

Tarzan:
Tarzan love Jane.

Jane:
I love you too, Tarz-

Tarzan:
But, Tarzan not in love with Jane.

Girl:
[gasps] A Teddy Ruxpin! He can play any tape and he moves his mouth along with the words! [gasps again] Thanks, Uncle Gallagher!

Gallagher:
Let’s try it out. I've got a copy of my stand up special "Melon Crazy".

[Teddy comes to life and runs from Gallagher. Jumping the coffee table. Turning at the painting of a melon dodging Gallagher again who crashes into the stand. Teddy then is seen running towards the fireplace before dodging Gallagher’s melon hammer. Teddy lands on the coffee table breaking the glass this time. Gallagher catches Teddy and slams him against the wall. Gallagher pulls the tape from his pocket allowing Teddy to fall to the floor. Gallagher tries to force the tape into Teddy but Teddy deflects every jab. Teddy finally kicks the tape away. Both Teddy and Gallagher jump for the tape but it gets knocked away. Teddy finally gets a cyanide capsule and bites it]

Gallagher:
NO! He's got a cyanide capsule. [Teddy starts foaming at the mouth] Don't you bite down, you son of a bitch! You're gonna play my tape. [Teddy dies] He's, uh, he's gone. Ah, we'll have to listen to it in the living room. [the girl gasps and pulls out a cyanide capsule and tries to bite it, but Gallagher stops her] NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Ernest:
[opens the windows and sniffs the air] Ahh, wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and... [suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger] Oh, and how I lived to see this day. [pulls out a horn and blows it]

[The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor]

Keebler Elf 1:
[nervously] Are you sure, Ernest?

Ernest:
Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will know it to be true.

Cookie Monster:
[off-screen] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp again before he popped out of the bushes] COOKIE!!!

[Some of the soldiers screamed in terror]

Ernest:
Hold! [the soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers] Hold! [the soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers] Hold! [runs off, but bumped into one of the elves] I owed him overtime.

Keebler Elf 2:
Bu-Bu-But you owe me overtime...which is no big deal.

Cookie Monster:
[chases them both] Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! [Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times] Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!!

Keebler Elf 3:
I didn't sign up for this, I just wanted to make cookies!

Keebler Elf 4:
I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo!

Cookie Monster:
[crashes through the door] COOKIE!!!! [grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, and he screams. The elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]

Keebler Elf 5:
Now, give the monster what he wants!

Keebler Elf 6:
Diabetes?

Keebler Elf 5:
Good comment on modern culture, but no. Cookies!

[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]

Keebler Elf 7:
Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit! [Buckets laughs] Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! [chuckles] Fudge.

Cookie Monster:
[through mouth full of cookies] Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies...

[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheered with joy. Then we cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing]

Cookie Monster's mommy:
[crying] They didn't know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie.

Lawyer:
It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense!

Judge Brown:
Order please! Order! The court fines in favor of Keebler Incorporated. [to Cookie Monster's mommy] I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Cookie Monster's mommy:
[shocked] Me son is dead and you make pun?! ME KILL YOU! ME [BLEEP]ING KILL YOU!! [eats Judge Brown's head, killing him]

[Two police officers step in and shoot her to death]

[We start with Strawberry Shortcake in her house, congratulating Baby-Needs-A-Name for getting a pet of her own, which resembles a lavender hippopotamus covered in light green dots]

Strawberry Shortcake:
Baby-Needs-A-Name, your wish came true! [Baby-Needs-A-Name claps her hands] You have a pet of your berry own!

Baby-Needs-A-Name:
Yes, Strawberry Shortcake, but I have another wish. I want to have a name of my berry own, too!

Strawberry Shortcake:
We should give you a name soon, and not leave it open to debate! Strawberryland is berry sheltered, but it's a big world out there, and others might have berry different opinions about what constitutes an appropriate name.

Baby-Needs-A-Name:
I'm not worried!

Strawberry Shortcake:
Well, I'm just saying- [but at that moment, Bitch Pudding slams Strawberry Shortcake's front door open] Oh. Hello, Bitch Pudding.

Bitch Pudding:
Wassup, hoes? [then slowly walks to the refrigerator and drags her finger on the dusty table along the way. She sighs, opens the refrigerator, grabs a strawberry soda, kicks the refrigerator closed, takes a sip, and slowly walks out of Strawberry Shortcake's house]

Strawberry Shortcake:
[relieved] Whew! [to Baby-Needs-A-Name] Anyway, I'm sure that one day, someone will give you a name.

Bitch Pudding:
[crashes through the window feet first back into Strawberry Shortcake's house] BLAM! [to Baby-Needs-A-Name, cutting Strawberry Shortcake off and flipping her off] Your name is [Bleep]face! You [bleep]ing [bleep]face! BLAM! [Bleep]face! BLAM! [Bleep]face! BLAM, bitches! DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!!! BITCH PUDDING! [exits the house, but not before prying the door open once more to knock over Strawberry Shortcake's teapot with her raised middle finger]

Strawberry Shortcake:
[groans in exasperation] I am so sorry! I think she has Asperger's or something, but, don't take it personally, Baby-Needs-A-Name.

Baby-Needs-A-Name:
No, no. Call me [Bleep]face!