South Park, Season 23

Randy:
Stupid government! How can they sit there and look a child in the face and say it's fine for people to grow their own weed?!

Towelie:
Oh, why does it matter?

Randy:
Why does it-- Ugh. Am I the only person here who understands what this will do to us?!

Stan:
Yeah, but Dad, you're gonna piss off everybody in South Park.

Randy:
You know what? Fuck South Park!

Towelie:
Fuck South Park.

Randy:
Yeah, I'm sick it! I'm just- I'm done! I don't give two shits about South Park! All that matters is Tegridy Farms now!

Towelie:
I don't know if you wanna say "Fuck South Park."

Towelie:
[enters the room; upset] Hey Randy, did you go make a deal with another weed company?

Randy:
Yes, Towelie. I'm working on a merger with Med Men.

Towelie:
Med Men? But, those guys are posers.

Randy:
We have a deal in the works to help each other put a stop to home-growers once and for all.

Towelie:
Jesus. You know, I knew a guy who thought weed should be for everybody. A guy who believed in integrity. I don't understand who you even are anymore.

Randy:
That's because I'm the president of the company, and YOU are a TOWEL!

Towelie:
YOU'RE a towel!

Randy:
What is wrong with trying to protect our business?

Towelie:
[walks towards the front door; stops and turns around] Because weed isn't supposed to be some money-grubbin' business model! It's a gift from God! And not something to exploited by some stupid towel! [opens the door and steps out]

Randy:
I AM NOT A TOWEL!!

Towelie:
Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Randy. You are not a towel.

Cartman:
Oh, hey Kyle.

Kyle:
What the fuck are you doing here?!

Cartman:
So weak. Jimmy pissed me off 'cause he told the teacher I was texting in class, so I told Jimmy I'd have him sent off to a migrant detention center. He didn't believe me, so I said "Oh, I already did it to Kyle." Stan heard that, so he got pissed off and had me sent off to a migrant detention center.

Kyle:
I haven't seen my parents in TWO weeks! Nobody even knows where my little brother is!

Cartman:
I know. I know it sucks. But we're stuck in here together. Come on, buys. All we have to do is try to make the most of it.

Randy:
Well, gang. Looks like Tegridy Farms is turning big profits again. We're on our way to becoming the biggest weed brand in the country. I'm not getting pushed around now, you got it? So go on. Anybody here wants to call me a towel, just go ahead and do it! Go on, Sharon. Call me a towel.

Sharon:
Fine. You're a towel. [gets up and walks away]

Randy:
BEST TOWEL YOU EVER HAD, BITCH!

Mickey Mouse:
All right?! Who's the asshole?! Which one of you decided to go and start badmouthing the Chinese government?! Huh-uh. Who here thought they had permission to say anything critical of Chinese politics?!

Thor:
Well it is true, sir. The Chinese seem to exploit their own people in forced labor cam-

Mickey Mouse:
SHUT THE FUCK UP, THOR! You're here to flex and not speak, you fucking bitch!

Winnie the Pooh:
Please. Mr. Marsh was only standing up for me and Piglet, because we were political prisoners.

Mickey Mouse:
YOU are a fat diabetic bear, and if the Chinese don't want you, then I don't either! Now who the fuck is Mr. Marsh?!

Randy:
Uhhh that's me. Randy Marsh.

Mickey Mouse:
Who is this? I don't know you. Are you from Pixar?

Randy:
No, I'm from South Park.

Mickey Mouse:
What's South Park? Do I own that?

Disney character:
No, not yet sir.

Mickey Mouse:
You're telling me that I'm losing Chinese customers because of some shithead that's not even from MY company?!

Randy:
Hey, hold on a minute! Do you really think this business should be run through intimidation and fear?! Whatever happened to old-time values?! You already have business with the Chinese. You have all the connections money can buy! But there's one thing you don't have. That's Tegridy.

Randy:
Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner. I don't know about you, but I for one think the world is going to be a better and safer place now that China finally has Tegridy.

Stan:
[noticing his father's appearance] Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? Dad, did you kill Winnie the Pooh?

Randy:
Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh- Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh. [Stan just gets up and leaves] Where are ya goin', Stan?

Stan:
I'm going to go write another song about you.

Randy:
Ooh, about me? Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!

Cartman:
No shots! No shots!

Liane:
Eric, you have to be a big boy.

Dr. Gauche:
Big boys get a toy from the toy chest.

Cartman:
No! No! No! No! No! [screeches]

Dr. Gauche:
Eric, it's just a little prick.

Cartman:
[laughs, and the doctor gets even closer] No! No! No! Noooooo!

Liane:
Good boy, Eric!

[Eric panics and jumps all over the place, squealing like a pig]

Liane:
Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this. My little Eric is going to be so mad at me!

Stephen:
Look, by the time he knows what's happened it'll already be over.

Randy:
[turns off TV after watching the commercial] Well? What'd you think, guys?

Sharon:
How much did you spend making that commercial?

Randy:
Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.

Sharon:
Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!

Randy:
Yeah. We make money either way.

Sharon:
You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]

Shelley:
I hate marijuana! [gets off the sofa and leaves too]

Randy:
[gasps] Shelley!

Stan:
I hate marijuana too. [gets off the sofa and leaves as well]

Randy:
[gasps] Stan!

[Randy pulls up at Burger King and goes inside]

Rick:
Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?

Randy:
Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?

Rick:
It's a plant-based burger, sir.

Randy:
Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?

Rick:
No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.

Randy:
Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card to Rick as he turns it through and hands it back to him, hands him the receipt and the burger; takes a bite of it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?

Rick:
They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.

Randy:
Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... basd... Plant-based. Oh my God.

Randy:
Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!

Gerald:
Believe what? Your text said that-

Randy:
Come on come on come on! [pulls him into the kitchen with two burgers sitting on the table] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.want you to try it. [hands Gerald a burger]

Gerald:
It's a hamburger?

Randy:
It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it] Well?

Gerald:
This tastes like shit.

Randy:
Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.

Gerald:
[through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.

Randy:
Wait for it. Wait for it..

Gerald:
Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]

Randy:
Yeah ha ha?

Gerald:
Yeah, it's good.

Randy:
Yeah, right?

Gerald:
[takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!

Randy:
And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12.

Towelie:
[reclining against a cabinet eating a burger] Best burgers I ever had.

Field Reporter:
I'm standing now with Randy Marsh, the owner of Tegridy Burger, and Mr. Marsh, you must be pretty excited. [the crowd behind him across the street begins to cheer him on, and he looks over his shoulder at it]

Randy:
Yeah-ha, you know, we're all just... we're all just bein' healthy and ethical out here.

Field Reporter:
Uh-huh. And Mr. Marsh, what about the STUDENT PROTEST COMING OUT AGAINST YOUR BURGER RIGHT NOW?!?

Randy:
Huh?

Field Reporter:
Students are coming forward saying that Tegridy Farms is unethical and hypocritical!

Rick:
[shows up dressed as a college student in a blond wig] That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud! We caught their farm on camera, just take a look!

Field Reporter:
We warn you, the following footage is graphic. [footage is now showing Randy and Towelie's cow-killing massacre, and after it ends, the crowd behind Randy starts jeering at him] Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say about these images?

Randy:
[being pelted by burgers from the jeering crowd] Ohhh, hey. Fuck you! Oh they were- They were just- We didn't eat 'em.

Randy:
Hey, where's Shelley?

Sharon:
Shelley hasn't come out of her room in two days.

Randy:
Why?

Sharon:
You know why, Randy.

Randy:
[sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [walks upstairs and enters Shelley's room] Hey, Shelley? Can I talk to you for a minute?

Shelley:
What do you want?

Randy:
Come on, kiddo. Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelley leaves her desk to sit on her bed next to Randy] Shelley, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?

Shelley:
I hate marijuana!

Randy:
Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?

Shelley:
It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!

Randy:
Shelley, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?

Shelley:
Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!

Randy:
Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?

Shelley:
Serena Williams.

Randy:
Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.

Shelley:
No, she's not!

Randy:
You don't know that, Shelley! Now you're just making assumptions!

Shelley:
Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!

Randy:
Shelley! Okay, look. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you!

Butters:
What's this? Whoa... "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker!

Jud:
That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.

Butters:
But this is my last one!

Jud:
It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.

Butters:
Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off; doesn't notice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!

Jud:
For some of us, maybe.

Officer Brown:
Butters Stotch?

Butters:
Yes sir?

Officer Brown:
We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night.

Butters:
What... happened in town?

Officer:
People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.

Butters:
Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.

Officer Brown:
Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.

Butters:
What? The mummy talked to you?

Officer:
Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"?

Butters:
There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.

Officer Brown:
A present that the mummy got for you?

Butters:
I, I just got-

Officer Brown:
You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.

Officer:
Did you throw the mummy out of your house?

Butters:
No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left!

Officer Brown:
You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.

Butters:
But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look officers, I think... I'm under some kind of curse.

Officer:
Well that's what the mummy told us about you.

Officer Brown:
You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and put it on Butters' forehead]

Randy:
It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelley walks in with her potion] This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever. [Shelley then splashes the potion all over the Halloween Special; turns around, alarmed] SHELLEY!

Shelley:
That's what I think of your stupid special! [walks away]

Randy:
No! NOOO!!

Butters:
I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin' worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [shows the selfies taken by the mummy on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!

Stan:
Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.

Butters:
It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!

Kyle:
We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.

Cartman:
Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.

Butters:
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.

Token:
Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?

Butters:
Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside] Oh, gosh darn it. [leaves the table]

Shelley:
Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.

Randy:
[chuckling] W-what?

Shelley:
Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.

Randy:
You're going to a book fair.

Shelley:
Yes.

Randy:
On fucking Halloween?!

Shelley:
Yes!

Randy:
I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!

Shelley:
You're my dad. Drive me to the book fair!

Randy:
I will not! I have things to get ready! And nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelley!

Shelley:
The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the table's leg off and jars of marijuana fall and shatter]

Randy:
OH, MY GOD!!

[City Hall Council; Randy is brought in, handcuffed]

Randy:
Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweak. Mackey.

Mayor McDaniels:
Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called "Mexican Joker?"

Randy:
Yeah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible.

Mayor McDaniels:
Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana.

Randy:
Well, that's ridiculous.

Mayor McDaniels:
The Tweaks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.

Randy:
Guys, I have nothing against home-growers.

Mayor McDaniels:
Run the footage, please! [Janson plays the footage on the screen; Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and starts peeing and pooping in it, he then burys an explosive and runs away and the homegrown garden explodes] People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.

Randy:
Enough of Tegridy Farms?! South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms!

Mayor McDaniels:
You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. [to an officer] Get him out of here.

Randy:
[as the officer takes him away] I didn't do anything wrong! You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful!

Mayor McDaniels:
Well, at least South Park can start getting back to normal.

[Jason White runs into the street, trying to catch the football and a police car runs over him, instantly killing him]

Cartman:
That totally would have been a touchdown.

[South Park Church; Everyone attends Jason White's funeral while Mrs. White cries hysterically over her son's loss]

Fr. Maxi:
Little Jason White was a happy child. A playful child. And ultimately, it was his playfulness in sports that got him killed in a freak hit-and-run accident. The father would now like to say a few words. [leaves the podium and hold's Robert's hands]

Robert:
[stands on the podium] I'm Robert White, Jason's father, and I can tell you that as a White, Jason lived a challenged life. When I look out on this congregation, I can't help but think, "There's not a whole lot of people here." Doesn't seem like a big deal. Nobody's outraged. 'Cause it was our family. Nobody cares when a White gets killed by the police. There should be protests and marched, but NO. The police killed a White! That's not protest-worthy! Everybody's busy trying to lock up Randy Marsh! Now my wife and I have a did child and we can't even get any weed to make us feel better! Yeah, don't listen to me. I'm just a White.

[PC Principal and Strong Woman enter the living room seeing their baby children crying]

PC Principal:
Kids, kids. Okay, what's the matter?

Strong Woman:
Oh, no, I left Disney+ on and it went to "Mulan."

PC Principal:
They don't like Mulan?

Strong Woman:
No, because Mulan is a female that identifies as male and yet the movie doesn't take the time to address real trans issues.

PC Principal:
Okay, okay, we know! [takes the remote and turns off the TV] "Mulan" is outdated in creating straw dog characters to talk about trans issues! Daddy's turning it off! [switches to another channel]

[Hell's Pass Hospital; Kyle and Ike are in the waiting room while Sheila is being checked up, having suddenly started projectile pooping on herself shortly after delivering a speech at the South Park Community Center to the women of the town]

Dr. Gauche:
Hello, boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called, C. diff. It's very contagious.

Kyle:
A bacterial infection? In her stomach?

Dr. Gauche:
All of us have trillions of microorganisms that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. There's tiny creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy is being overrun by bad bacteria. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too.

Kyle:
So what can you do for her?

Dr. Gauche:
We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus.

Kyle and Ike:
[disgusted] Eeewww!

Dr. Gauche:
Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry.

Kyle:
Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.

Kyle:
Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!

Cartman:
So?

Kyle:
So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!

Stan:
Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?

Kyle:
Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.

Cartman:
[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!

Harriet:
Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.

Kyle:
Why?

Harriet:
Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.

Cartman:
Whaaat?

Stan:
Yeah, he wants it.

Harriet:
Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?

Kenny:
[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.

Harriet:
When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?

Kyle:
What?! EW! NO!

Cartman:
Yes!

Harriet:
I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.

Kyle:
That is disgusting. Absolutely not!

Cartman:
Kyle!

Harriet:
Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.

Cartman:
What is your problem?!

Kyle:
What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!

Stan:
Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.

Kenny:
[muffled] TO-MORROW!

Kyle:
I said, NO, and that's final!

[Café Monet]

Sheila:
Girls, can I just say, you both look fantastic.

Laura:
[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.

Sheila:
Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore.

Harriet:
[angrily barges in, having thrown up on herself] There you are, you goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!

Sheila:
Harriet, I do not like your tone.

Harriet:
You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!

Sheila:
What are you talking about?

Harriet:
I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!

Sheila:
So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?

Harriet:
That's beside the point now!

Sheila:
Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day!

Harriet:
Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!

Linda:
Fuck you, Harriet!

Male Diner:
Oho. Okay ladies, come on.

Harriet:
Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [Laura begins to moan before she, too, starts throwing up and poops her skirt with projectile force; shocked] What the fuck?!

Linda:
You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet. We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh- Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then has to lean over on a chair as she is unable to hold in her diarrhea and squirts it out around other diners, also splashing her now-infected vomit on everyone in the diner, as all the girls in the group but Sheila are now vomiting and soiling themselves uncontrollably]

Dr. Gauche:
We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff. has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.

Sgt. Yates:
How does this happen?

Dr. Gauche:
Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.

Sgt. Yates:
So they got sick from another women's feces?

Dr. Gauche:
No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] a common household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.

Sgt. Yates:
OH, those ladies!

Dr. Gauche:
It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.

Sgt. Yates:
So what happens next?

Dr. Gauche:
With how contagious C. diff. is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.

Sgt. Yates:
Jesus... what have those rascally ladies done? [walks off]

Harriet:
Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.

Linda:
And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.

Sheila:
Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.

Laura:
I hope we can all be besties again.

Dr. Gauche:
You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.

Sheila:
Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?

Kyle:
I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.

Dr. Gauche:
Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.

Scott:
Dad, I love you. I love you so much, Dad.

Clark:
What?

Scott:
I love you so much, Dad. Please, can we get Disney+?

Clark:
Goddamnit, not this shit again! No! We don't need Disney Fucking Plus, Scott! We got cable, and that's enough! All this talk about Disney+ and CBS Max and shit on a fucking extreme prime! Where's it gonna end?! Straight to fucking hell, that's where! I'm going to work!

[Malkinson Residence]

Clark:
Look at that. Look. Two hundred and forty channels of anything we wanna watch. No accounts! No fucking passwords! Just pure, simple, basic cable.

Scott:
[enters the house] Mom! Dad! Guess what?

Clark:
[switching channels] Not now, Scott. Your mom and I are enjoying watching whatever we want and not signing up for anything.

Scott:
But Dad, there's this new girl in school, and she has... diabetes!

Mrs. Malkinson:
Oh, that's wonderful, Scott.

Scott:
Yeah. And guess what? She wants to come over to our house! So we HAVE to get Disney+!

Clark:
Oh, not this shit again! The answer is NO!

Scott:
Dad, please! This is my life!

Clark:
Streaming services are destroying our culture, Scott! People got a thousand shows at their fingertips 24/7, so Hollywood has to make shows within their shows to make more shows!

Scott:
But Dad, what's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it?

Clark:
[mockingly] "What's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it? I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes."

Scott:
[infuriated] UNBELIEVABLE!

Linda:
[pounding the TV as it switches to different basic cable channels] What the? What is wrong with this stupid thing?!

[Tegridy Farms; The mayor angrily bangs on the front door for Randy to answer]

Randy:
[answers the door] Oh, hi, Mayor.

Mayor McDaniels:
We need to talk, Marsh.

[Inside the house]

Randy:
What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas Special so far?

Mayor McDaniels:
Oh, people love the Christmas Special. [picks up a jar and turns to Randy] So, Marsh. What exactly is in this Christmas Snow?

Randy:
Okay, okay, look, you busted us. It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season. I know, it's wrong.

Mayor McDaniels:
No, no, no, what is the white stuff on the marijuana?

Randy:
Oh, that? That's cocaine.

Mayor McDaniels:
[horrified shock] WHAT?!?

Randy:
Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ. You know, powder, snow, it's what gives Christmas Snow its kick. Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growing our own. Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than the marijuana plant. It can grow even when we're out of season.

Mayor McDaniels:
What is wrong with you?! We can't have you selling this stuff in town! Cocaine is ILLEGAL!

Randy:
It is?

Mayor McDaniels:
Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison!

Randy:
Hey, hey, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. Hang on, I'll handle it. Don't go anywhere. [pulls away from the farm and goes to town; later returns] Okay, cocaine's totally legal now. [hands the mayor the new law]

Mayor McDaniels:
It- it is?

Randy:
Yeah, legal in seven states including this one, and other states are soon to follow. I told you. It's 2019, dawg.

Announcer:
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