SpongeBob SquarePants, Season one

French Narrator:
Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life. Home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly.

Spongebob:
I'M READY! [runs outside] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

[Spongebob arrives at the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob:
Permission to come aboard, captain! [deep voice] I've been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Krusty Krew, [normal voice] And now I'm ready.

[SpongeBob trips on a nail stuck in the floorboard. His fall causes him to bounce against the ceiling, SpongeBob shouts and blurts incomprehensibly while his bounces and ricochets around the building accelerate. He then rolls to a stop at the feet of Squidward and Mr. Krabs]

Spongebob:
So, uh, when do I start?

Mr. Krabs:
Well lad, it seems like you don't even have your sea legs.

SpongeBob:
MR. Krabs, Please. I'll prove I'm a fry cook. Ask Squidward, He'll vouch for me.

[Mr. Krabs and Squidward quickly walk away from SpongeBob]

Squidward:
[deep breath] No.

[Buses surround the Krusty Krab and the doors open]

Mr. Krabs:
That sounded like hatch doors! [sniffs repeatedly] Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly. [opens eyes wide] Anchovies.

Squidward:
What?

Mr. Krabs:
ANCHOVIES!

[Anchovies get out of the buses and rush inside the Krusty Krab, crowding, repeating the word "eat" over and over again]

SpongeBob:
[to a fish roasting marshmallows] Could I borrow a couple of these?

Fish:
[with his mouth full] Mm-hmmm. [crams another marshmallow into his mouth]

[SpongeBob is trying to lift "weights" to impress the crowd]

SpongeBob:
And now, with the addition of two, count 'em, two... marshmallows.

[Fish hits a volleyball in the air]

SpongeBob:
I got it! Incoming! [SpongeBob tries to hit it, but it just hits his hand and slides down]

Crowd:
Boo!

SpongeBob:
[reaches down to get volleyball and rips his pants] Whoops... I guess I ripped my pants again! [crowd laughs]

Surfer Fish:
[laughs] Once again, dude, you have split my sides! [laughs again]

SpongeBob:
Hey Sandy, how about throwing it to me?!

Sandy:
Okay, here it comes! [throws Frisbee, which knocks SpongeBob out]

SpongeBob:
I could use a hand here!

Sandy:
[runs over to SpongeBob and helps him up] You okay, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
I guess so...except, I ripped my pants!

Surfer Fish:
[laughs] You still got it, dude!

Lou:
May I help you?

SpongeBob:
I'll take a banana split.

Lou:
Uh, we don't have that.

SpongeBob:
That's okay, I already split my pants! Get it?

Lou:
[sarcastically] Tee hee. Anything else?

SpongeBob:
How about...rip-ple?! [shows the rip in his pants] No thanks, already got one!

SpongeBob:
Is that a burger you're eating?

Harold:
Why, yes it is.

SpongeBob:
You know what would go good with that?

Harold:
No, what?

SpongeBob:
Ripped...pants! [shows the rip in his pants and runs around store] Ripped Pants a la mode! [rips pants]

SpongeBob:
Delivery!

[The chef looks at SpongeBob]

SpongeBob:
Did you order twenty cases of...ripped pants?! [shows the rip in his pants through a cardboard box]

Perch Perkins:
Surf's up at the Goo Lagoon! And there goes Larry, doing his trademark layback! There goes Sandy hanging ten! Fingers that is! There goes Spongebob! [rip sound is heard] Ripping his...pants again...

Lifeguard:
Hey look, a cardboard box washed up on the beach. [looks at him through a telescope] Holy fish paste, IT'S A GUY!!! [runs to SpongeBob and turns him over] Why! Why! Why-hy-hy!

Sandy:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
[to Lifeguard] C-come closer. I need...I need...

Lifeguard:
[tearfully] What do you need?

SpongeBob:
[whispers] A tailor...[shouting] because I ripped my pants!

Spongebob:
[consulting list] Let's see...'lifting weights, big laugh'...'frisbee in face, kills'...'surfing, knocks 'em dead'...'pretending to drown'... [writes as he says it] 'NO.'

SpongeBob:
[comes out of tent] Not ripped pants... [pulls off pants] Pants ripped off! Ah? Ah? Someone call the police, there's a pants thief on the loose! [realizes that the crowd is on the other side off the beach] Oh no! Everybody's gone, even Sandy! She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh no, no, no, no. We blew it, pants.

Pants:
What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

[Lyrics to the song "Ripped Pants"]

SpongeBob:
[spoken] I thought that I had everybody on my side

But I went and blew it all sky-high

And now she won't even spare a passing glance

All just because I ripped my pants

Band Members:
[singing] When Big Larry came 'round just to put him down

SpongeBob turned into a clown

And no girl ever wants to dance

With a fool who went and -rrrriiiipppp- ripped his pants

SpongeBob:
[singing in a beautiful, heart-stopping voice]

I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse

But the pain feels so much worse

Cause windin' up with no one is a lot less fun

Than a burn from the sun

Band Members:
[singing] Or sand in your buns

SpongeBob:
[singing] Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget

So listen and you won't regret

Be true to yourself, don't miss your chance

All:
[singing] And you won't end up like the fool who ripped his pants

[Crowd cheers]

Sandy:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Sandy!

[Sandy and SpongeBob hug]

Sandy:
Your song was true. If you wanna be my friend, just be yourself.

Larry the Lobster:
SpongeBob! That song was so righteous! Would you...sign my pants?

SpongeBob:
Sure thing, buddy. [starts to sign Larry's pants, but his underwear rips off. He covers his private part, blushing. There is a wolf whistle]

'[SpongeBob and Patrick are welcoming Squidward home from the hospital]

SpongeBob:
Welcome home, Squidward!

Patrick:
Merry Christmas!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to think of ways to make Squidward's day the "best day ever"]

Patrick:
How 'bout some soup on your best day ever?

[Squidward scowls at his bowl of soup, in which the letters spell "BEST DAY EVER". Patrick picks up a spoon]

Patrick:
Here we go!

[Patrick scoops up a spoonful of soup and offers it to Squidward, who refuses]

Patrick:
Oh, it's a little hot.

[He blows a little too hard on the soup, and the soup ends up flying into Squidward's bandaged face. Realizing that the spoon is empty, Patrick scoops up more soup and inadvertently blows it into Squidward's face again. This continues until finally SpongeBob takes the bowl away]

SpongeBob:
Uh, I don't think soup is the best thing for him on his best day ever... [motioning towards Squidward's prized clarinet] How 'bout some music on your best day ever, played on your very own clarinet?

[SpongeBob takes Squidward's clarinet and blows hard, only to produce a terrible, ear-splitting noise]

SpongeBob:
Sorry. My lips are a little dry...

[He spends the next few moments licking his lips, until they are completely wet with his saliva. Just as SpongeBob is about to have another go on the clarinet, Patrick snatches the clarinet away]

Patrick:
MUSIC ISN'T BEST EITHER!

Patrick:
[trying to get Squidward to hold a jellyfish net] Firmly grasp it in your hand. [The net falls off of Squidward's bandaged hand] FIRMLY grasp it. [Net stays for a moment, then falls off the bandaged hand again] [angrily] FIRMLY GRASP IT! [forces the jellyfishing net through the cast and onto Squidward's hand, who screams muffled] That oughta do it!

[Spongebob completes a Krabby Patty and it starts jumping around the kitchen by itself]

Squidward:
Come on Spongebob, You know I don't have all day!

Spongebob:
I swear, I'm not doing anything!

[The Krabby Patty heads into the dining area]

Spongebob:
Mr Krabs! The krabby patty is haunted!

[Mr Krabs stabs the patty with his leg]

Mr Krabs:
Avas, ye patty pirate! This is no ghost. This is Plankton! Stealing me booty!

Plankton:
Hear me Krabs, when I discover your formula for Krabby Patties, I'll run you out of business! I WENT TO COLLEGE! [Krabs picks him up] Hey, let me go!

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, I'll let you go, squirt ... on a flying saucer! [puts Plankton on a plate and throws him out the door of the Krusty Krab]

Plankton:
[through SpongeBob's mouth] SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU MEDIOCRE CLARINET PLAYER.

Squidward:
Mediocre?

Plankton:
Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?

SpongeBob:
[realizing it's no use to fight] I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. [tears fill his eyes and leak down his face] But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty...with your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steaming goodness...

Plankton:
[enticed] Steaming?

SpongeBob:
[sadly] I'll never forget your one-hundred-percent all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion, all secretly steaming between two fluffy seaweed sea buns.

Plankton:
[drooling] Yes. YES! [dives out of SpongeBob's head] Come to Papa! [bounces off the top bun and falls into the analyzer] Oh, boy. [the analyzer zaps him]

Karen:
Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas.

[While SpongeBob is walking home]

SpongeBob:
Plankton? What are you doing here?

Plankton:
I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?

SpongeBob:
Um...no.

Plankton:
Acquaintances?

SpongeBob:
No.

Plankton:
[thinks] Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?

SpongeBob:
I...guess so.

Plankton:
You see? Everything works out.

Plankton:
SpongeBob, you will be mine! [takes out a gramophone and begins playing it]

Singer:
[singing on the record] Letters of the alphabet A, B, C....

Plankton:
[laughs, then notices the incorrect music]

[Plankton flips the record to the correct side, which plays ominous music]

Plankton:
[laughs evily]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are playing a game in which they whisper messages to each other using bubbles. SpongeBob dips his bubble wand into his bottle of bubble mix, thinks a moment, then whispers a message into his bubble. The bubble floats to Patrick and pops, and SpongeBob's message is revealed]

SpongeBob:
Hi, Patrick.

[Patrick giggles, then dips his own wand into his own bottle, then shoves the wand into his mouth and takes it out before dipping it into his bottle again and whispering his own message to SpongeBob. The bubble floats to SpongeBob and pops, revealing Patrick's message]

Patrick:
Hey, SpongeBob.

[SpongeBob laughs, much to Squidward's annoyance]

SpongeBob:
[into his bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.

[Squidward whispers a message into his own bubble, and the bubble replaces SpongeBob's bubble and floats on to Patrick]

Squidward:
[as SpongeBob] Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.

[Patrick doesn't look happy at the moment he hears the message. He dips his wand into his bottle and whispers a message. It floats over to SpongeBob]

Patrick:
Do you really think that, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
[into his bubble] Of course, Patrick! Anyone with eyes could see that!

Patrick:
[a bubble floats to SpongeBob and pops] Yeah, well, I think you're ugly! Yellow is ugly! [blows a raspberry, then blows a shorter raspberry]

SpongeBob:
[into his bubble very confused] Patrick, what are you talking about?

Squidward:
[disguised as Patrick] SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. You give bottom dwellers a bad name! If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar!

Squidward:
[disguised as SpongeBob] Hey Patrick! I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop, as some newspaper!

Patrick:
[shouting] Well, that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!

SpongeBob:
Yeah, well that means uh...so are you!

Patrick:
Then you're a turkey!

SpongeBob:
What's that?!

Patrick:
It's what you are!

SpongeBob:
Yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!

Patrick:
Well, you're still yellow! And do you know what else is yellow?!

SpongeBob:
WHAT?!

Patrick:
YOU ARE!

SpongeBob:
YEAH?! WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU CALL ME 'CAUSE I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN ANYWAY!

[Squidward has accidentally swallowed his fork, and now his windpipe is blocked]

Patrick:
Wow! Squidward, you're choking! I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first... Oh well.

[Squidward left SpongeBob and Patrick alone in his house, and came back from the store to find his house completely destroyed, all that is left is bluish rubble]

Squidward:
What a surprise. I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?

SpongeBob:
[singing] Squidward is my best friend in the world. [starts playing the bassinet very badly] Squidward is my best friend in the sea. [starts playing the bassinet very badly again. He lets go of his bow and the bow flies into a picture of Squidward]

Squidward:
Aaah! [growls and breaks the bow in half on his knee]

SpongeBob:
[singing] Squidward... [is playing the bassinet like a guitar]

Patrick:
[poking his head inside] ...likes Patrick more than SpongeBob.

[Spongebob slams the door in Patrick's face]

Patrick:
OOMF!

SpongeBob:
And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer! [hits the bassinet against the floor and it breaks] Um... I can fix this.

[Squidward kicks SpongeBob out of his house]

SpongeBob:
So uh... I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward? Call me!

SpongeBob:
Guess what, Squidward?

Patrick:
Me and Spongebob are friends again!

Squidward:
Great. Go be friends somewhere else.

SpongeBob:
Don't you want us to help you clean this up a little?

Squidward:
NO! OUT!

SpongeBob:
Psst. I think he's jealous.

Patrick:
How pathetic.

Squidward:
[growls, slams his door, a nearby bubble pops into it and the door falls on Squidward] Ohh, my back!

[at the beginning of SpongeBob's 38th boating test]

Mrs. Puff:
First we must--

SpongeBob:
First I must pass the oral exam! I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.

Mrs. Puff:
I know. Okay. Number one, what is the front of the boat?

SpongeBob:
The bow.

Mrs. Puff:
What is the back?

SpongeBob:
Stern!

Mrs. Puff:
Number three. Right is--

SpongeBob:
Starboard! [answering the remaining questions] Port, skipper, deck, cabin, gally, keel, 1924!

Mrs. Puff:
You've passed the oral test. What a surprise. Now, it's time to once again take the driving portion of the exam. Okay, SpongeBob...get in the boat.

SpongeBob:
Oh, wha...in this boat? Right here? [looks at watch nervously] Is it time already?

Mrs. Puff:
Get in the boat, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Oh, yeah, absolutely. [gets into boat and closes eyes with a smile, confidently]

Mrs. Puff:
All you have to do is get on the track. [SpongeBob's eyes spring open in awe as he looks down the track which becomes longer and longer in delusion] Okay, SpongeBob. What's the first thing you do?

SpongeBob:
1924?

Mrs. Puff:
No...no. First thing is to...start the boat. [Mrs. Puff turns it on as SpongeBob begins to shake and scream hysterically] SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Relax! It's only the boat.

SpongeBob:
[stops] The boat?

Mrs. Puff:
Okay, now, what do you do next?

SpongeBob:
Floor it?

Mrs. Puff:
Yes-- no! No! Don't floor it!

SpongeBob:
Floor it?!

Mrs. Puff:
No, no, don't, don't floor it!

SpongeBob:
Okay, floor it! [kicks down on the gas pedal as the boat begins to go in reverse at high speeds, Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob screaming, "no, no, no!" and "floor it!" respectively. The boat crashes into a lighthouse, breaking off the upper half of it. Mrs. Puff puffs up]

Mrs. Puff:
[deep voice] Oh, SpongeBob...WHYYYYYY?????!!!!!

Off-Screen Fish:
My leg!

[at the beginning of SpongeBob's 39th boating test]

Patrick:
[through radio] Pat to Sponge. Pat to Sponge. Testing, testing. Testing, testing, testing, testing... TESTING! TEST! TEST! DO YOU READ?!

SpongeBob:
Sponge to Pat, I read you loud and clear.

Patrick:
Got your apple ready? [SpongeBob takes out apple] Lucky undergarments? [adjusting telescope] Hold on, hold on. [sees SpongeBob wearing underpants that say "LUCKY"] Bingo! Underwear, Apple, and Me! You're ready to get that license!

Mrs. Puff:
No, no! Don't floor it!

SpongeBob:
Floor it? Okay, floor it! [almost floors the boat]

Patrick:
Freeze, mister! Big toe.

[SpongeBob's big toe slides out and he floors the boat slowly]

[near the end of the driving test]

SpongeBob:
I'm cheating, Mrs. Puff! I'm cheating!

Mrs. Puff:
It's okay, SpongeBob! You can cheat! Cheat that way! [points towards the finish line]

SpongeBob:
NO! I'm cheating!

Squidward:
Let go of the pizza!

SpongeBob:
No! It's for the customer!

Squidward:
Who cares about the customer?

SpongeBob:
I do!

Squidward:
Well, I don't!

SpongeBob:
[wind stops momentarily, SpongeBob gasps] Squidward! [blown away by the wind]

[SpongeBob has backed the boat all the way out into the wilderness]

SpongeBob:
Backing up! Backing up! Backing up!

[The engine sputters and dies, and the boat slows to a halt. SpongeBob is seen clutching the steering wheel, his eyes wide and his pupils fixed]

SpongeBob:
Backing up...

Squidward:
Well, you backed up. And you know what? I think we're out of gas. [climbs out of the boat] And you know what else? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

SpongeBob:
[approaches Squidward with the pizza] And you know what else, else? I think the pizza's getting cold.

Squidward:
[mock alarm] AND the pizza's cold?! Oh, the pizza's cold! Not the pizza! [genuine anger] Oh, how can it get any worse?

[Squidward kicks the boat angrily. The needle on the gas gauge points to FULL, and the boat springs to life and zooms away, leaving SpongeBob and Squidward all alone in the wilderness]

[SpongeBob and Squidward are making their way through the wilderness]

Squidward:
Ow, ow, ow...

SpongeBob:
[singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza for you and me! The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza--

Squidward:
And my feet are killing me.

Squidward:
SpongeBob, that's just a stupid boulder!

SpongeBob:
It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [begins weeping] It's a rock. [sobbing] A roock! A roock! A rooock!

[Squidward looks on with disgust]

SpongeBob:
[climbing on top of the boulder] It's a big, beautiful, old rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape.

Squidward:
SpongeBob! Will you forget the stupid pioneers? Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive-- [SpongeBob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground] ...rocks?

[SpongeBob and Squidward are walking in the wilderness]

SpongeBob:
[singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza, absolutivally! [making spitting sounds] The pbbth-pbbb-pbbh pizza pbbbbh-pbbbh pizza, pbb-pbbbh-ooga-bah-bah... [muttering rhythmically] The [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza... [with voice of Otto from The Simpsons] Krusty Krraaaaaaaaabbb pizza is the pizza, yeah-ah-ah, for you and [high pitched] MEEEEEEEEE!

[SpongeBob and Squidward are totally lost in the wilderness, and are becoming worn out and hungry]

Squidward:
Sponge, we've gotta eat something!

SpongeBob:
I heard that in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral.

[Squidward grabs a piece of coral and crams it into his mouth]

SpongeBob:
No, wait, it wasn't coral.

[Squidward spits the coral out]

SpongeBob:
Maybe it was sand...no, mud...

Squidward:
Gimme the pizza!

SpongeBob:
Wait, I remember now! It was coral!

Spongebob:
I can't wait to see the look on our customer's face! [rings doorbell]

Tom:
Yeah?

Spongebob:
Congratulations, Sir! Your Krabby Patty Pizza is here!

Tom:
Wow, thanks! I've been dying for one of these. It… Where's my drink?

Spongebob:
What drink?

Tom:
My drink? My Diet Dr. Kelp?! Don't tell me you forgot my drink!

Spongebob:
[checks order] But you didn't order any...

Tom:
[aggravated] How am I supposed to eat this pizza WITHOUT MY DRINK?!!

Spongebob:
But… but... [tears start rolling down his face]

Tom:
Didn't you ever once think of the customer?! [gives back the pizza] You call yourself a delivery boy?!! WELL, I AIN'T BUYING!!!!! [Tom slams the door on Spongebob's face Spongebob then walks over to Squidward smiling and attempting not to cry]

Squidward:
Sponge? Sponge? It's okay. Sponge?

[Spongebob drops the pizza, falls over, bursts into tears, and absorbs them]

Squidward:
Sponge? [Squidward gets angry, picks up the pizza, marches up to Tom's house, and knocks on the door]

Tom:
Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!

Squidward:
Well, THIS one's on the HOUSE! [brutally slams the pizza into Tom's face. Later he approaches SpongeBob, who is sprawled face down on the ground in a pool of tears]

SpongeBob:
[looking up tearfully] Did he change his mind?

Squidward:
He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite. No drink.

SpongeBob:
We have just enough time to get to work!

Squidward:
Work?

Squidward:
Oh, my aching tentacles!

Squidward:
SpongeBob, is it time already for you to ruin my day?

Patrick:
Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? Don't start without me!

SpongeBob:
Yeah, I like sleep overs.

Squidward:
[half asleep] Yeah, me too.

Spongebob:
Yep, this is great. Good night, Squidward!

Squidward:
[yawns] Good night, Spongebob. [eyes burst open, realizing what is happening] [sternly] Good night, Spongebob.[slams door, leaving Spongebob & Gary out]

SpongeBob:
Do you remember the time the food supply in Atlantis was running low!? So you invented a ray gun that made things grow six times their size to shoot at the kelp gardens? But then, the evil Manray swoops down and swipes the gun away and starts shooting all the algae! [imitates firing a gun] And he globs onto the undersea dome! [falls onto a table] And he starts sucking on the glass! [drools as he speaks, his mouth on the table. He then notices the annoyed senior who is at the same table and sucks his drool back]

Barnacle Boy:
What's your point, kid?

SpongeBob:
You guys are the greatest heroes of all time and I think you should come out of retirement.

Mermaid Man:
Listen up, you villains. I wanna eat my meatloaf. If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Shady Shoals Caretaker:
[enters the cafeteria] What is going on in here?

Mermaid Man:
[points to SpongeBob, who stops smiling] You may kiss the bride! [SpongeBob gets kicked out and rolls home, where Patrick was waiting for him]

Patrick:
Did you re-unite our heroes?

SpongeBob:
No, but I'm married.

Mermaid Man:
I did it! I feel five years younger! Oh, it's good to be back!

Barnacle Boy:
[kindly] We did it, ya old coot.

Mermaid Man:
Who are you?

Mermaid Man:
[to SpongeBob] Listen up you villains, I wanna eat my meatloaf. If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife!

Clerk:
[bursts in] What is going on in here?!

Mermaid Man:
[looks at clerk but points to Spongebob] You may kiss the bride!

[The clerk throws SpongeBob out while wedding music plays. SpongeBob rolls all the way back to his home where Patrick is waiting]

Patrick:
Did you reunite our heroes?

SpongeBob:
No. But I'm married.

SpongeBob:
[wearing a dress, speaking in heavy feminine country accent] Oh, my. This purse is so big and heavy.

Patrick:
[wearing robber garb] Hold it right there, ma'am. I'll be taking that! [grabs purse]

SpongeBob:
[screams] Hay-ulp! Hay-ulp! Hay-ulp! [Barnacle Boy stomps over]

Patrick:
[hiding] It's working!

SpongeBob:
Why, are you here to rescue little ol' me?

Barnacle Boy:
PIPE DOWN! You're gonna wake Mermaid Man and he's ornery when his nap is disturbed. [Mermaid Man is seen with his face frozen in place]

SpongeBob:
Ever alert, Mermaid Man has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open!

Barnacle Boy:
Confound it! Get away from him!

Mermaid Man:
[to Barnacle Boy] STOP SHOUTIN'! I'M NAPPIN'!

Barnacle Boy:
IT'S NOT ME, YA OL' COOT!!!!!!

Senior #1:
Yes!

Senior #2:
That's me!

Senior #3:
I'm over here!

Barnacle Boy:
Time to come out of retirement! There's evil afoot!

Mermaid Man:
EVIL! Where is it?

Barnacle Boy:
[pointing to SpongeBob and Patrick] There it is! You know what this means? [opens box containing their rings]

Mermaid Man:
Donuts!

Mermaid Man:
[about SpongeBob] Here comes the TV repairman.

SpongeBob:
I anything can't do right, since because pickles.

Squidward:
Let me guess, Tiny. A small salad?

Bubble Bass:
I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, four by four, animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease. Make it cry, burn it and let it swim.

[Squidward stops writing the order after Bubble Bass begins to say "Make it cry"]

Squidward:
We serve food here, sir.

Bubble Bass:
I believe you owe me two bucks.

Mr. Krabs:
TWO BUCKS?!

Bubble Bass:
Your guarantee.

[the camera zooms in on the Krusty Krab's menu and shows in microscopic print "money back guarantee"]

Squidward:
Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns.

[SpongeBob whips up a dozen Krabby Patties at top speed]

SpongeBob:
One dozen cryin' cows on the farm, up!

Squidward:
[flatly] Thanks, Farmer Brown.

Squidward:
It's been a thrill serving you.

Customer:
Could I get some extra salt?

Squidward:
We're all out.

Customer:
Could you check?

Squidward:
No.

[Customer walks away offended]

SpongeBob:
Wait a minute! [seizes Bubble Bass' tongue and holds it up for all to see] Look, he's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!

Mr. Krabs:
And there's the pickles from last time, too!

Lady:
And there's my car keys!

[The angry crowd surrounds Bubble Bass on every side]

Bubble Bass:
[nervously] And...there's my ride!

[Bubble Bass bolts out of the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs:
Three cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip hip!

All:
Hooray!

Squidward:
Hooray.

Mr. Krabs:
Hip hip!

All:
Hooray! [Squidward unenthusiastically says "Whoop De Doo"]

Mr. Krabs:
Hip hip!

All:
Hooray! [Squidward unenthusiastically says "Oh, Boy"]

SpongeBob:
And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place when I was gone! Squidward! [Squidward smiles] Hip hip!

All:
Boo! [Squidward is shocked and frowns. The frown becomes more droopier with each "Boo!"]

SpongeBob:
Hip hip!

All:
Boo!

[Scene changes to the exterior shot of the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob:
Hip hip!

All:
Boo!

SpongeBob:
Hip hip!

Patron:
BOO! YOU STINK!

Narrator:
Mrs. Puff's Boating School, where diligent students learn the rules of the road.

[The class is seen snoozing except for SpongeBob, who is drawing something.]

Mrs. Puff:
Everyone, put down your books, because it's time to pick out the hall monitor of the day!

[SpongeBob drops his pencil in anticipation.]

Mrs. Puff:
Let's see here. This week's hall monitor will be, uh,...[goes through list and finds everyone's name but SpongeBob's has a check mark by it]...gasp! SpongeBob?

[SpongeBob's desk moves into the center isle.]

Mrs. Puff:
It's Jimmy! Jimmy's the hall monitor.

Jimmy:
Mrs. Puff, I've done it already!

[SpongeBob's desk moves closer.]

Mrs. Puff:
Oh. Bill?

Bill:
No way, Mrs. Puff!

[SpongeBob's desk closes in again.]

Mrs. Puff:
Uh, Tina! You're the hall monitor.

Tina:
Hey! I've done it 3 times already!

[SpongeBob's desk closes in again, and continues to do so with every bit of Mrs. Puff's dialouge.]

Mrs. Puff:
Beth?

Bill:
She graduated!

Mrs. Puff:
Henry? [desk moves] Mira? [desk moves] Clayton? [desk moves multiple times, then camera fades out to reveal SpongeBob pressing repeatedly against Mrs. Puff's body] All right. I guess I have no choice. The hall monitor of the day is...[sighs with grief]...oh...SpongeBob!

[SpongeBob skyrockets with joy and lands beside Mrs. Puff. He salutes.]

SpongeBob:
Hall Monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty, ma'am! I'm ready to assume my position IN THE HALL! I will protect all that are weak IN THE HALL! All rules to be enforced IN THE HALL!

Mrs. Puff:
ALL RIGHT! Just take the hat and belt!

SpongeBob:
I can't accept that yet, ma'am. First I have to make my speech.

Mrs. Puff:
You can't make this easy, can you?

[Mrs. Puff walks over to SpongeBob, who is lying on the ground after the class tramples him while running out the door at the 3:
00 bell.]

Mrs. Puff:
SpongeBob! Are you okay?

SpongeBob:
I overdid the speech again, didn't I?

Mrs. Puff:
I'm afraid so.

SpongeBob:
[gets up] Aw, tartar sauce! I guess I won't be needing this. [takes off uniform] I hardly knew you.

[Spongebob frowns and begins to walk away. Mrs. Puff shows sadness on her face.]

Mrs. Puff:
Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff:
I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.

SpongeBob:
[flies back into the uniform with a shout of joy] Thanks, Mrs. Puff! [He walks away.]

Mrs. Puff:
[to herself] What are the consequences of what I've just done? [She sighs to herself, thinking tragic thoughts, as she walks back into her classroom.]

Patrick:
SpongeBob! I see him!

SpongeBob:
Where is he, Patrick?

Patrick:
At the intersection of Conch and Coral. [SpongeBob turns to see the street signs "Conch" and "Coral"]

SpongeBob:
That's where I am! He's right on top of me, but I can't see him! What's he doing?

Patrick:
Um, he's just standing there...menacingly! [over walkie-talkie] GET OUT OF THERE, SPONGEBOB!

SpongeBob:
YYYYAAAAAHHHHH!

Patrick:
That's his maniac shriek. He's going to attack! [SpongeBob is running around in circles crying] He's actin' all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! [SpongeBob does so] No, he's behind that building! Quick, hide behind that street sign! [SpongeBob does] No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! [SpongeBob does] No wait, he's there too! Run for your life! [SpongeBob jumps inside a mailbox. Relieved, he relaxes. He hears interference on his walkie-talkie, and answers it]

SpongeBob:
Say again, deputy?

Patrick:
The maniac's in the mailbox!

SpongeBob:
AAAAAAHHHHHHH! [runs around in the mailbox, demolishing some buildings]

[A "Wanted Sign" with SpongeBob's picture on it falls in SpongeBob's hands]

SpongeBob:
Huh... This guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac... wait a minute, Patrick. I'm the maniac! [holds up wanted sign]

Patrick:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[police show up]

Officer:
We'll take that as a confession!

[Mrs. Puff shows up and pushes some of the cops out of the way.]

Mrs. Puff:
SpongeBob SquarePants! There you are! I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Officer:
You know this guy?

Mrs. Puff:
Of course I do. I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place! He's my responsibility. [police glare at her] Uh-oh!

[As SpongeBob's walking down the street]

SpongeBob:
I'm on patrol, I'm on patrol, I'm on patroooll. [stops as he sees puddle of ice cream on the ground] Vandals! Another crime. [scoops up a glob of ice cream with his finger and tastes it] Hmmm...strawberry. I must act! [ice cream falls on his head. Patrick is sitting on the wall above him eating ice cream] Patrick! [Patrick looks around confused] Patrick! [He then looks at his ice cream] Patrick!

Patrick:
My ice cream! It's alive! AAAAHHHHHHH! [drops ice cream onto SpongeBob's face]

SpongeBob:
Patrick! Down here!

Patrick:
Oh! SpongeBob! It's you!

SpongeBob:
Patrick! Get down here now!

[Patrick jumps down and flattens SpongeBob.].

Patrick:
SpongeBob? SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
(mumbling) I'm down here.

[Patrick walks off of SpongeBob then picks him up and sees him wearing the Hall Monitor uniform.]

Patrick:
You look funny! [laughs as he peels SpongeBob off]] Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
That's "Hall Monitor" to you!

[Patrick drops SpongeBob.]]

Patrick:
Sorry, officer!

SpongeBob:
Sorry is not good enough, Patrick. You've just committed a crime, and I'm taking you in!

Patrick:
What crime? [SpongeBob gestures toward the ice cream on the ground]] I'm a bad person! [starts crying]

Patrick:
I wanna be good!

[SpongeBob runs off imitating a siren, then a real siren sounds as a squad boat pulls up next to Patrick.]

Officer #1:
Afternoon, son.

Patrick:
[salutes] Hello, brothers! [points towards the cone that's on his head]

Officer #1:
[ignoring Patrick's gesture] Son, we're looking for the maniac.

Officer #2:
Have you seen this man? [holds up poster]

Patrick:
AAAAAAAH! It's the maniac! Take him away! Take him away!

[Officer #2 removes the poster.]

Officer #1:
Calm down, son. It's just a drawing, not the real thing. Now we are going to show you this picture again, and you tell us if you've seen this guy, understand?

Patrick:
Uh-huh.

Officer #1:
Okay.

[Officer #2 holds up the poster again.]

Patrick:
AAAAAAAH! Horrible!

[Officer #2 removes the poster, shocked at Patrick, then holds it up again. Patrick screams again. The officer removes the poster, looks at the other officer, and both smile at the idea. Officer #2 then goes through a series of showing the poster and removing it, and each time he holds up the poster, Patrick lets out a scream. Officer #2 finally stops.]

Officer #1:
Stay indoors, son.

Officer #2:
And take that cone off your head!

[Both officers laugh as they drive away.]

Mrs. Puff:
And In conclusion students, red means stop, green means go. And SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff:
I'd like to see you after class, six months from now!

Mr. Krabs:
It's not the boots, it's the bootee! Err, um, the person in the boots! You're a great fry cook, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
You really think so, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
I do, son. [gives SpongeBob money] Here's your paycheck, SpongeBob. [gives more money] Plus, a bonus! [takes bonus back] Well, there's your paycheck anyway... I need a vacation.

[Squidward storms out of the Krusty Krab, accidentally hitting Mr. Krabs in the face as he bursts through the front doors]

Squidward:
That's it, Mr. Krabs! I'm taking my vacation now!

Mr. Krabs:
[with his face pressed against the glass of the door] What's wrong, Mr. Squidward?

Squidward:
I can't take The World's Greatest Fry Cook anymore! I'll see you in a week.

Mr. Krabs:
What would you like?

Tom:
I'll take a [squeak].

Mr. Krabs:
What did you say?

Tom:
I said, I'll take a [squeak].

SpongeBob:
I heard his order, Mr. Krabs, he said he wants the [squeak].

Mr. Krabs:
Huh?! [montage which leads to Krabs going insane]

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBoy, me Bob!

Mr. Krabs:
That squeakin' is money to my ears...I mean music.

Boots:
Can I take your order?

Tom:
Yeah, I'll have the Krusty Special.

Boots:
Thank you, sir. I will squeak when it's ready.

Mr. Krabs:
[noticing burnt patties on the grill] SpongeBob...SpongeBob? Wake up, boy! You're burning me money!

Squidward:
[about SpongeBob, who has decided to go live in the wild] He took off his pants.

Sandy:
I'll give him a week.

Squidward:
I'll give him eleven minutes.

Patrick:
[on the verge of tears] Patrick SAD!

[Patrick approaches SpongeBob in Jellyfish Fields with a net]

SpongeBob:
Patrick! What are you doing?

[Patrick looks at SpongeBob with tears in his eyes]

Patrick:
If I can't have you as a friend, I'm going to make you a trophy! I even picked out this nice jar for you! [holds up mayonaise jar]

SpongeBob:
Ah, my jellyfish brethren are returning.

[SpongeBob hugs Squidward followed by everyone else]

Squidward:
Could we please stop this?

Patrick:
Patrick itchy!

Sandy:
Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty. [They see Spongebob on the horizon] Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line.

Patrick:
[Picks up paper] Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite. [On the verge of tears] Take bite. I can't do it! Spongebob! COME BACK!!!

SpongeBob:
[running into his bedroom] Gary! It's opposite day and-- [slows down] Walk, don't run...and I'm-- [thinks] Opposites. Opposites. I'm just going to lay in bed and do nothing all day. [gets in bed] Too bad it only comes once a year, huh Gary?

[Gary meows]

SpongeBob:
Gary! Where's your holiday spirit?

[Gary barks]

Realtor:
What kind of fool do you take me for?! [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward, [points to Patrick] he's Squidward, [points to the real Squidward] You're Squidward?! I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any more Squidwards I should know about?!?!

Gary:
[wearing a pickle in between his eyes, in Squidward's tone] Meow.

Realtor:
I'm outta here.

Squidward:
Wait--

SpongeBob:
--don't--

Patrick:
--go!

Squidward:
Opposite Day! Next time it's gonna be Go-Jump-off-a-Cliff Day.

SpongeBob:
Hi, Squidward! I mean, good bye, Squidward! Isn't opposite day...terrible!

Squidward:
[from his house] I'll tell you what's terrible-- living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!

SpongeBob:
Wow, that's the nicest thing Squidward's ever said to me!

SpongeBob & Patrick:
Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!

Squidward:
'['Squidward growls in anger. But before he could explode, he suddenly calms down] Let me show you guys how much I hate you!

[Squidward runs off and returns with a bulldozer. Spongebob and Patrick scream as they are chased off

SpongeBob:
Patrick, do you ever think Squidward likes us too much?

Squidward:
[angry] HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY!!!!

[Chases them into the sunset while laughing angrily]

Gary:
[reading poetry] Ahem... Meow, meow, meow...

Sandy:
He has such a way with words.

Squidward:
Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home.

[Patrick bursts out laughing]

Mr. Krabs:
Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight. [notices the Krabby Patty on the table is a cardboard prop] And maybe barnicles will fly out of me pants! [jumps into the boat that serves as the cash register stand, takes a pair of oars, and starts rowing it] Hang on, lad, I'm a-comin'!

Plankton:
[on a robotic jellyfish] All knees will bow to Plankton, hail Plankton! I win, I WIN!

Plankton:
That naive cube!

SpongeBob:
[singing] F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! N is for anywhere, any time at all...

Chorus:
Down here in the deep blue sea.

Plankton:
[singing] F is for fire that burns down the whole town. U is for Uranium...bombs! N is for no survivors when you--

SpongeBob:
Plankton! Those things aren't what fun is all about! Here, let me help you...

SpongeBob and Plankton:
[singing] F is for frolic through all the flowers, U is for Ukulele, N is for nose picking, sharing gum and sand licking.

Chorus:
Here with my best buddy.

SpongeBob:
This working out thing isn't working out.

Shark:
Hey! Hey you! Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy! Ooh, I'm a little peanut worm! Are you to much of a wimp to workout? Are you a weakling, built like a sponge? Now you too can have muscles, with Anchor Arms! They fit on like a glove. Just add air. How big do you want them? Normal? Veiny? And for the ladies, hairy. I was once a wimp before Anchor Arms. Now I'm a jerk and everybody loves me. So order now, wimp!

SpongeBob:
I can do this. I've got Anchor Arms! I'm no wimp! I'm a jerk!

Spongebob:
[straining] 96...97..98..99..100

Sandy:
I want a hundred more.

Spongebob:
It hurts! 1, 2, 3, 4, [continues]

Sandy:
I think we've finally found an exercise for you, Spongebob.

Spongebob:
Can you get that?

Squidward:
Spongebob I have a confession to make. [takes off towel from his head]

SpongeBob:
[gasps] You're...bald?!

Squidward:
No, I'm not bald! I'm ALIVE!

SpongeBob:
Hike Patrick, hike! [drops rock, which breaks in two] You just lost 3 points! [climbs up pole] 1, 2, 5! [stands on his head and blows a bubble in the shape of 'G7'] G7!

Patrick:
G7?! King me, king me! [smashes into pole] I lose!

SpongeBob:
But it's not Tuesday, Patrick!

Patrick:
Tartar sauce!

Squidward:
[shouting from his house] What are you invertebrates doing?! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then at Squidward]

SpongeBob & Patrick:
We don't know.

SpongeBob:
Patrick, say that again.

Patrick:
That again.

SpongeBob:
No, the other thing.

Patrick:
No, the other thing.

SpongeBob:
No, what you said before when you--

Patrick:
No, what you said before when you...

SpongeBob:
Never mind! I've got an idea.

Patrick:
Never mind! I've got an idea.

[SpongeBob looks at Patrick, annoyed]

SpongeBob:
A grape, fresh from the vine, Your Ghostliness. [drops it into his mouth; rushes away and returns] A banana, peeled to your liking, Your Incorporealness. [drops it into his mouth]

Patrick:
One watermelon [drops large watermelon into Squidward's mouth] fresh from the manure field, Your Spookiness!

Patrick:
You know, you worry too much. The Patrick is here, and SpongeBob, I know a lot about head injuries, believe... [starts drooling and SpongeBob snaps his fingers] ...me.

Squidward:
Enough! Listen up, Squidwards ghost is feeling unusually generous today. He hath decided to spare ye a a horrible fate. All ye must do is tend to my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.

SpongeBob:
Does that include...

Squidward:
Quiet! Now, do as youre told! Lest ye incur the wrath of Squidward! [hisses as he walks off]

Patrick:
[whispers to SpongeBob] I think they make a cream for that now.

SpongeBob:
It's a comic book, and look at this: it's the origin on the Flying Dutchman. It says when he died they used his body as a window display. Now he haunts the seven seas because he was never put to rest. Well, don't you get it, Patrick?

Patrick:
We're gonna go shopping?!

Squidward:
Ow! What the heck was that?!

SpongeBob:
Initiation! That was part one of your ceremony.

Squidward:
Ceremony for what?

SpongeBob:
We're going to put you to rest.

Squidward:
I don't want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done! Now, did you clean the back room yet?

SpongeBob:
Yeah.

Squidward:
Oh, really?! I'm gonna go check. [walks off; opens the door and screams. Inside are SpongeBob and Patrick holding open the door to a coffin]

SpongeBob:
Okay, get in!

Squidward:
Are you crazy?! I'm not gettin' in that thing!

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, Squidward. We all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

Mr. Krabs:
No more cryin'. We'll get ya a date. Why, I'll take ya.

[Pearl is about to start crying again]

Mr. Krabs:
What about Squidward?

[he points to Squidward, who is filing his nails; Pearl is about to start crying even more]

Mr. Krabs:
Wait. Wait. Here. Take SpongeBob.

Pearl:
[screams] The fry cook?! Do you know what that would do to my complexion? People will mistake me for a planetarium!

Mr. Krabs:
What do you mean?

Pearl:
I... don't know. But I can't take him, Daddy. They'll kick me off the Most-Frequently-Pictured-in-the-Yearbook Committee.

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah, they would.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, what's wrong with Pearl?

Mr. Krabs:
Her scurvy prom date stood her up, boy, and now she can't seem to find another.

Pearl:
That's because there's only one fish in the sea as long, tan, and handsome as he is, and that's him!

SpongeBob:
Oh, Gary, I'm a prom failure. I couldn't even get a date for my own junior prom.

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
No, that was Patrick who brought his Mom.

[Pearl and SpongeBob get kicked out of the gym where the prom is being held after they make a total mess of everything]

Teenage Fish:
Go wreck someone else's prom, will ya?

[Spongebob and Pearl are standing together outside Pearl's house, when suddenly Mr. Krabs bursts through the front door with a giant rake]

Mr. Krabs:
A-HA! Keep away from me precious little flower! [approaching a sea flower in his garden] You almost stepped on it.

Pearl:
[to SpongeBob] Well, good night, Short-Yellow-and-Spongy.

Squidward:
I've come for your pickle.

SpongeBob:
[after the Flying Dutchman runs away in fear, SpongeBob is shown entirely shaved, exposing his brain] Hey! What do you know? I scared him! [laughs]

[Everyone else runs out of the Krusty Krab, screaming]

SpongeBob:
[walking outside with Patrick] It worked Patrick, I scared everybody!

Patrick:
Yeah, I guess it was your pink hat.

SpongeBob:
Pink hat? Oh, that's not a hat, that's my brain.

Patrick:
Oh... [runs away screaming too]

SpongeBob:
Don't worry, it grows back!

Patrick Star:
[throwing his shoe at Snail Squidward, who, along with Gary and Snail SpongeBob, are meowing at the moon] Will you clam up?!

Squidward:
[rushed] I was in the future and then I was in the past, and then I was nowhere, and... You don't know how happy I am to see you guys!

SpongeBob:
Does this mean you wanna go...jellyfishing?

Squidward:
NO! Sheesh, who was the barnaclehead that invented that game anyway?

SpongeBob & Patrick:
You are, Squidward! [laughs]

Squidward:
...I'm going back.

Narrator:
Squidward is about to practice his clarinet, so get your earplugs ready.

SpongeTron:
Everything is chrome in the future!

Squidward:
Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?

SpongeTron:
Yep. All 486 of them.

Squidward:
[lies down on the floor and starts spasming] FU-TURE! FU-TURE! FU-TURE!

Hot Sauce Drop:
By the powers of naughtiness, I command this particular drop of hot sauce to be really, really hot!

Squidward:
SpongeBob, did you get the bathrooms mopped yet?

SpongeBob:
Yes ma'am. I mean sir. I mean boss. I mean Poobah!

Squidward:
GOOOOOOOOO!

Mr. Krabs:
Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?

SpongeBob:
No, sir. Just practicing my karate, sir. Or kare-ah-tay, as some like to call it.

Mr. Krabs:
Kare-ah-tay? You should be making me money-ay! With your spatu-lay! Now get back to work!

SpongeBob:
Aye-aye, Capi-tay!

Sandy:
I love karate!

SpongeBob:
I love Kare-ah-tay!

Mr. Krabs:
I love money-ay!

Squidward:
I hate all of you.

SpongeBob:
Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did you? Well, you can't! Because I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this! [swivels hands around, hisses, and walks away] Took care of her, yes I did. [runs into Mr. Krabs] Uh, ahoy, sir!

Mr. Krabs:
What was that?

SpongeBob:
But sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo!

SpongeBob:
I know! We can pretend to be plants! [lies down on his back and pretents to be a plant] Photosynthesis, photosynthesis, photosynthesis...

SpongeBob:
...pile of cans? Mmm-mmm, Sandy, that is your worst disguise yet.

Sandy:
No it's not, SpongeBob. [shows a squirrel mask] This is!

SpongeBob:
Hey Sandy, have you heard the one about the squirrel and the tin cans?

Sandy:
[confused] I don't think so

Spongebob:
Well it goes like this [sends Sandy flying onto a pile of cans and she gasps as the cans falls on her]

Patrick:
Does anyone have a quarter?

The King:
[in Squidward's dream] I came here to hear beautiful music! If I don't get my wish, it'll be your head!

SpongeBob:
Gee, Gary, you sure are smart.

Gary:
Did you think my shell was full of hot air?

Gary:
[in his dream] "Let me not mar that perfect dream by an auroral stain, but so adjust my daily night that it may come again." Emily Dickinson wrote that.

SpongeBob:
Who?

Gary:
[flips a few pages] Here's one you might know. "There once was a man from Peru, who dreamed of his shoe, he woke with a fright in the middle of the night to find that his dream come true."

SpongeBob:
[laughs] Thanks, Gary! I'm going back to my own dream now.

Gary:
[to SpongeBob as he is heading out of his dream] Beware of your wandering eye, you little poriferan!

The King:
[to SpongeBob in Squidward's dream] Oh, do tell me the one about the man from Peru again!

[The entire audience listens to SpongeBob's horrible singing with tears in their eyes]

Spectator:
[dabbing at his moist eyes with a hanky] This music touches me ever so, that I fear my tears might stain my petticoat.

[SpongeBob is too busy staring at his driver's license to pay attention to his actual driving, and he crashes into a big rock and gets thrown out of the car]

SpongeBob:
[as he flies through the air] How could I have forgotten the most important rule of driving? Always wear your seat belt!

SpongeBob:
[to Mrs. Puff in his dream] Mrs. Puff, look! I finally got my driver's license!

Mrs. Puff:
Not even in your dreams, Mr. SquarePants! [snatches SpongeBob's license out of his hands and tears it to shreds]

SpongeBob:
NOOOOOO!

Plankton:
Peek-a-boo! Here comes my foot!

SpongeBob:
Sandy, I think you'd better take me to the doctor...

Sandy:
Okay, SpongeBob. I'll be there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August.

Sandy:
Don't you worry, Patrick, I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the--

Patrick:
Yeah, yeah, the rabbit! And don't bother, Sandy! SpongeBob, don't worry. I'll keep you safe. (Scrubs his hands) Don't touch me; I'm sterile.

Patrick:
I DEFY YOU HEART MAN!

Patrick:
HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!

Mr. Krabs:
If I don't make any money today, I'll surely break out in a rash!

SpongeBob:
[offscreen] Yipee! I'm rich Patrick, look, eight gold doubloons!

Mr. Krabs:
Waaait! I saw it fiiirrrst! [leaps through the air] Yaah! [lands on the table where SpongeBob and Patrick are playing a game] Mine! Mine! Mine! [realizing] Huh?

SpongeBob:
Boy Mr. Krabs, you sure are sweaty.

Patrick:
[reading a game board card] Someone's been a bad pirate. Send them to the brig. Hmmmm... It's off to jail for you, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
Patrick, you're fired.

Patrick:
But I don't even work here!

Mr. Krabs:
Would you like a job, starting now? [puts a Krusty Krab hat on Patrick's head]

Patrick:
Boy, would I!

Mr. Krabs:
You're fired. [takes hat away]

Mr. Krabs:
Where is the X? 10,000 paces east!

Patrick:
Oh, east? I thought you said "weast."

Mr. Krabs:
Weast?! What kind of compass are ya reading lad?

Patrick:
This one sir.

Mr. Krabs:
That's west, Patrick. You're fired again.

[After they crash into "land"]

Mr. Krabs:
Status report, Mr. SquarePants.

SpongeBob:
The whole ship is underwater, Captain!

Patrick:
I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks!

SpongeBob:
But we've only been out here a couple hours.

Patrick:
[giggles]I know.

[Patrick sees a sign saying, "You are now leaving Bikini Bottom"]

Patrick:
SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Yeah, Patrick?

Patrick:
Where's "Leaving Bikini Bottom"?

SpongeBob:
Where did you see that?

Patrick:
We just passed the sign. "You are now in leaving Bikini Bottom."

SpongeBob:
[gasps] WHAT?!

Patrick:
What's wrong, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
[sees sign that says "Bikini Bottom: City Limits"] Patrick, I think we're on the wrong... [screams as bus goes down road] ...bus!

SpongeBob:
I guess Grandpa SquarePants was right. Don't run for a bus. [imitates his grandpa] Especially one that's going up at a 90-degree angle.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are stranded in Rock Bottom]

SpongeBob:
It sure is weird around here. Kind of different. Even the soil looks different. [scoops up a handful of soil]

Soil:
Would you mind-- [blows raspberry] --putting me down?

Patrick:
Spongebob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't want to be here! I wanna go home! Look-- I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!

[SpongeBob's stomach growls as he waits for the next bus]

SpongeBob:
Getting kinda hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World. [takes out a glove candy dispenser and eats several pieces of candy, but then spits them out in disgust] Ewww! Glove-flavoured!

[Bus station closes and Spongebob is left in the darkness]

Spongebob:
This isn't your average everyday darkness, this is... advanced darkness!

Sandy:
[points at SpongeBob and Patrick] Don't you dare take the name of Texas in vain!

Patrick:
So,we can't say anything about dumb ol' Texas?

Sandy:
No! You can't say nothin' about Texas.

SpongeBob:
Oh, so we can't say anything bad about [turns and shakes his rear] Teeeexas.

[Patrick is lassoed by Sandy and pulled backwards]

Patrick:
Noo! SpongeBoooob!

[SpongeBob keeps running and a nuclear explosion occurs behind him]

SpongeBob:
[in the shape of Texas] Hey Patrick! What am I now?

Patrick:
Uhhh...stupid?

SpongeBob:
No, I'm Texas!

Patrick:
What's the difference?

[They laugh]

Patrick:
Yeah, who needs dumb ol' Texas!

[cuts back to live action Island]

Sandy:
What did you say?!

Patrick:
eerr.. should I start running now?

Patrick:
Can we say that plants from Texas are dumb?! Can we say that shoes from Texas are dumb?!

Spongebob:
OK Patrick thats enough.

Patrick:
Why? You think that old slowpoke Texas is gonna...[looks back, gets alarmed]

Spongebob:
Run faster, Patrick!

Spongebob:
(singing with a fake Southern accent,Patrick dances) The stars at night are dull and dim, whenever they have to be over stupid, dumb ol' Texas!

SpongeBob:
Excuse me, you are sitting on my body, which is also my face.

Plankton:
Don't let that guy sit on you! Be assertive!

SpongeBob:
( pokes finger into fish's pocket ) BEE-BEEP!

Plankton:
Not insertive!

Plankton:
Spongebob, you'll never get what you want! You just let people step all over you. You're just like stairs.

Plankton:
SpongeBob, there's the guy that took your ice cream! Now be assertive!

SpongeBob:
That's my ice cream!

Plankton:
That's it Spongebob! Now let him have it!

SpongeBob:
You can have it.

Plankton:
It is becoming increasingly obvious... I can deny it no longer... I am small.

SpongeBob:
Plankton? What are you doing here? And why are you crying?

Plankton:
( tearfully ) Oh, hi, Spongebob. ( blows his nose on a tiny handkerchief ) I'm crying because I've got these two ice cream cones, but i only need one! ( sobbing ) I don't know what to do with the other one!

[A little girl is crying about her sand-covered ice cream. SpongeBob takes the ice cream and uses his eyelashes to dust away the sand. When he gives the girl her treat back, it is sparkling clean]

Plankton:
Butterfly kisses! I can't take it! It's too cute! It-it's disgusting!

SpongeBob:
Gee, Plankton, I'm sorry about the Chum Bucket.

Plankton:
Forget about that. I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting! [curls into a fetal position and slithers away] Need...hatred...

SpongeBob:
...Volleyball anyone?

Evelyn:
Can you tell me where the forks are?

SpongeBob:
Right here.

Evelyn:
But this is a spoon.

SpongeBob:
[giggles] April Fools!

Tom:
Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?

SpongeBob:
Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [walks off and then returns with the drink] Here you go!

Tom:
Thanks. [drinks his lemonade, SpongeBob giggling with every sip]

SpongeBob:
[laughs loudly and obnoxiously after he's finished] April Fools!

Tom:
What did you do to my drink?!

SpongeBob:
I-- er, I-- er...

Tom:
You what?!

SpongeBob:
You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink, and I only put in one! [laughs]

Tom:
I guess that is kinda funny! [laughs and leaves] Yeah.

Squidward:
April Fools! You little sausage!

Tom:
April Fools, jerk.

Mr. Krabs:
[in a customer's face] The hooks! The hooks!

Customer:
How 'bout a mint?

Mr. Krabs:
So, there I was, minding my own business--

Squidward:
I'd love to hear another of your riveting sea tales, but I have to do my wastebasket inspections. [holds a wastebasket on his head] Mmm-hmm...mmm-hmm...oh, yeah, there's one...

Mr. Krabs:
The hooks, me bucko. They're back. Beware the hooks.

SpongeBob:
The hooks?

Mr. Krabs:
AYE, the hooks. They dangle down and draw you close with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors, and just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab ya by the britches, and haul you way up high, and higher, and higher, and HIGHER, until you're hauled up to the surface, flopping and gasping for breath! And then they cook ya, and then they eat ya--or worse!

SpongeBob:
[terrified] What could be worse than that?

Mr. Krabs:
[softly] Gift shops.

Patrick:
Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?

SpongeBob:
Uhh...

Patrick:
Good morning, Krusty Krew!

SpongeBob:
Hey, Patrick!

Patrick:
Guess what? The carnival's in town! Come on, let's go!

SpongeBob:
I can't leave now, I'm working.

Patrick:
It's not leaving. You're just taking a break.

[SpongeBob grins and slithers silently out of the Krusty Krab kitchen to join Patrick]

SpongeBob:
Stop, Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick, those are hooks! Mr. Krabs said they're really dangerous!

Patrick:
[sits on a hook's barbed end to think about it, then smiles] I sense no danger here. How could they be dangerous? They're covered with free cheese!

SpongeBob:
All I know is Mr. Krabs said-- Patrick, don't do that!

[Patrick eats a block of cheese straight off a hook]

Patrick:
Mmmmm...cheesy.

SpongeBob:
Patrick, don't!

Patrick:
Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by myse-- Whoaaah!

[Suddenly the hook Patrick is holding onto jerks into the air, taking Patrick up towards the surface]

SpongeBob:
[terrified] Patrick! Help! [running around like crazy] Oh, Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, come back! Oh, my best friend!

[Patrick suddenly floats gently back to the ocean floor, and SpongeBob bumps into him]

SpongeBob:
Patrick, you're alive!

Patrick:
Am I ever! You should try it!

SpongeBob:
But what about the surface? And your britches? And the gift shops?

Patrick:
You just jump off before you go up too high.

[In the Krusty Krab]

Customer 1:
Pee-yew! You call this food?!

Customer 2:
My sandwich tastes like a fried boot!

Customer 3:
My sandwich is a fried boot!

[The customers get angry and start yelling at Squidward]

Tom:
COME ON! HURRY UP! WE'RE STARVING OUT HERE, I MEAN LOOK AT US! MY KIDS HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS. [in the kitchen] THAT'S NOT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FLIP IT!

Squidward:
WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO EAT THIS STUFF ANYWAY?!

[In the Krusty Krab kitchen]

Mr. Krabs:
Squidward! What the halibut's going on in here?

Squidward:
It's a feeding frenzy, sir, and SpongeBob's still not back from his break!

[Mr. Krabs bursts out laughing]

Squidward:
What?

Mr. Krabs:
I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. No one's taken a break at the Krusty Krab since the Chum Famine of '59. [chuckles] Now, what were you saying?

Squidward:
[with emphasis] He took a break.

[Mr. Krabs looks at Squidward, and his arms fall off, then his nose falls off, too. Later we see Mr. Krabs storming out the front doors]

Mr. Krabs:
All right, Spongebob LazyPants! I'll find you. This nose can smell laziness for up to 10,000 leagues! [sniffs] A-HA! [starts to march off] I'll give you a break you'll not soon forget!

Squidward:
[with a mob of angry customers forming around him] But, Mr. Krabs, I still need-- [the mob carries him off] --HEEELLLLP!

Mr. Krabs:
[thinking SpongeBob and Patrick are gone forever] Boys! I wasn't quick enough. They're gone! [on the verge of tears] Oh, if I could only hold them in me arms again, I'd-I'd--

[SpongeBob and Patrick float down in front of him, and anger replaces his sadness]

Mr. Krabs:
I'd throttle 'em! What'd I tell you about those hooks, boy?!

SpongeBob:
I-I--

Patrick:
I'll tell you about the hooks! You ride 'em up and up and up...then you gently float down.

Mr. Krabs:
[in Patrick's face] And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?

SpongeBob:
Gift shops!

Mr. Krabs:
Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna! With nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise!

[Bloody murder is heard in the background]

Mr. Krabs:
I want you boys to promise me you'll never go on those hooks again.

Patrick & SpongeBob:
We promise, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks I'll never go!

Patrick & SpongeBob:
Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks we'll never go.

[A sharp hook jabs Mr. Krabs in the rear end. He howls in pain and leaps into the air]

Mr. Krabs:
Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

Patrick & SpongeBob:
Ahh! Mother of pearl! [rubbing their rears] Fire on the poopdeck!

Pearl:
Look, it's Spongebob Nudie pants!

[Patrick is returned to Bikini Bottom trapped inside a can of tuna]

Patrick:
Hello? Does somebody have a can opener?

Mermaid Man:
Don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the hero of tomorrow! Or the villain.

Mermaid Man & SpongeBob:
[singing] Oh jingle bells, Mermaid Man smells, Barnacle Boy laid an egg; the Invisible Boatmobile lost a wheel and...

SpongeBob:
[to the Dirty Bubble] You're my favorite supervillain. Can I get your autograph? [pulls out paper and a sharp pencil]

Dirty Bubble:
[in shock] No! No! Stay back! Watch the point! Nooooo-- [SpongeBob pops him]

2000 Years Later...