Two and a Half Men, Season 6

Charlie:
Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.

Alan:
Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.

Jake [while text messaging]:
Oh, dude, WTF?

[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]

Charlie:
It's not funny.

Alan:
Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".

Charlie:
That boy was nothing like me.

Alan:
Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

Charlie:
Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.

Berta:
He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.

Charlie:
Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

Alan:
Except when they don't work.

Charlie:
Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"

Charlie:
What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"

Jake:
Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!

Charlie:
You think so?

Jake:
Yeah, they should put your face on money.

[about condoms]

Russel:
Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.

Charlie:
Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?

Russel:
Well, sure, but they don't test every one.

Charlie:
They don't?

Russel:
Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?

[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]

Alan:
Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.

Charlie:
First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.

Evelyn:
I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.

Alan:
How much are you paying him?

Evelyn:
Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.

Alan:
Playboy?

Evelyn:
Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.

Charlie:
Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

[An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located. He drops the sign and runs after it.]

[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]

Charlie:
What are you doing?

Jake:
Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

Charlie:
OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!

Alan:
Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

Alan:
So, bottom line, you don't have my money.

Charlie:
No.

Alan:
The money you promised to pay back today.

Charlie:
The day hasn't even started yet!

Alan:
It started for me.

Charlie:
That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!

Alan:
I want my forty dollars!

Charlie:
I only borrowed thirty-eight.

Alan:
Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.

Charlie:
You like round numbers, do you?

Alan:
Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.

Charlie:
OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?

Alan:
Are you calling me anal?

Charlie:
That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.

Alan:
But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.

Herb:
Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.

Judith:
In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?

Herb:
Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.

Alan:
At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.

Charlie:
Wow. Two women?

Alan:
Yeah.

Charlie:
And yet you're still tooting your own horn.

Charlie:
Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!

Charlie:
Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Charlie:
Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?

Jake:
In an Easter basket.

Charlie:
Scrambled it is.

Berta:
Morning.

Charlie:
Morning.

Berta:
What'cha doing?

Charlie:
Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?

Berta:
Sunny side up.

Charlie:
Scrambled it is.

[later, Alan is talking on the phone]

Charlie:
Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?

Alan [on the phone]:
Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?

Charlie:
Scrambled it is.

Charlie:
So where's your friend?

Jake:
Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.

Jake [to Charlie]:
You up for an R-rated movie? Boobies, no violence.

Alan:
Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.

Charlie:
Only you can gay up banging two women.

[Jake is vomiting in the bathroom toilet]

Charlie:
You know, your body's sending you a message.

Jake:
Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.

Charlie:
Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.

Jake:
If it's poison, why do you drink it?

Charlie:
Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.

Jake:
You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie:
Right.

Jake:
And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.

Charlie:
I'm sure you have.

Charlie:
You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.

Alan:
OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.

Charlie:
You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.

Alan:
Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.

Charlie:
I'm hoping to say the same.

Alan:
Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.

Charlie:
Hey, you crap where I live!

Charlie:
Alan, you don't have to worry. You're thinking about the old Charlie - The old hump'em and dump'em one track mind Charlie.

Alan:
Oh, oh right. The old Charlie from way back this morning!

Charlie:
I'm serious. I honestly want to start building a relationship.

Alan:
Really?

Charlie:
Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me. Have something in common, before we jump into bed.

Alan:
Wow, I'm impressed!

Charlie:
That I'm growing up?

Alan:
No, that you can so easily lie to my face.

Alan:
My point is that you're gonna leave her [Melissa] with bad memories that can be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you, like me.

Charlie:
Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?

Alan:
Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?

Charlie:
Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.

Melissa:
Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.

Alan:
No kidding?

Melissa:
Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!

Alan:
Again, none of my business.

Melissa:
It is like I have known him all my life.

Alan:
I know the feeling. You'll get over it.

Alan:
Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?

Charlie:
Wow. You still have a fax machine?

Alan:
I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.

Jake:
I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.

Alan:
Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.

Charlie:
Think of it as a bra for your balls.

Jake:
Oh, now I want one.

Charlie:
Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?

Alan:
Oh God, yes.

[Charlie stares at him]

Alan:
I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?

Charlie:
Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.

Miss Pasternak [to Charlie]:
How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!

Jake:
He drinks.

[at the strip club]

Charlie:
Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?

Dancer:
Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.

Alan:
Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.

Miss Pasternak:
Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.

Jake:
I told you it wasn't my fault.

Alan:
Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.

Miss Pasternak:
Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?

Alan:
Depends. Do they have a college prep program?

Miss Pasternak:
Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

Alan:
I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]

Jake:
You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?

Charlie:
Yes, but not your own.

Miss Pasternak:
Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]

Charlie:
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!

Alan:
A little religion isn't gonna kill you.

Jake:
Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

(In Church)

Charlie:
Why are you looking at me like that?

Berta:
I just don't wanna miss it when you burst into flames.

Jake:
Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.

Alan:
They're fighting?

Jake:
Yep. Thirty-one.

Charlie:
Thirty-one?

Jake:
It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?

Charlie:
I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]

Charlie:
Alan, you got a little evil on your face.

[Alan rubs his face]

Charlie:
Other side.

Charlie:
Wait in the car.

Jake:
Give me the keys.

Charlie:
No!

Jake:
How will I wait in the car?

Charlie:
Wait by the car.

Jake:
I don't have sunscreen on.

Charlie:
Wait UNDER the car.

Herb:
Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?

Charlie:
Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.

Herb:
Well, it worked out great.

Charlie:
Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?

Herb:
No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.

Charlie:
Is that so?

Herb:
Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?

[after seeing Jake's shoe stuck to the coffee table]

Alan:
We need to get rid of the staple gun.

Charlie:
Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.

Judith [sobbing]:
How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?

Alan:
Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.

Herb:
Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Herb:
The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.

Charlie:
Uh-huh.

Herb:
Whatever happened to pubic hair?

Charlie:
Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.

Herb:
I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.

Charlie:
I don't have an answer for you, Herb.

Herb:
What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?

Charlie:
Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.

Charlie:
Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!

Alan:
Fourth? What are the other…never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're… [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] …back to square one in dealing with the PTA car…nival.

Charlie:
What?

Alan:
The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.

Jake:
What are you talking about?

Alan:
Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.

Jake:
Sounds lame.

Alan:
Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]

TV commercial announcer:
So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.

Charlie:
She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.

Alan:
Judith's changed, Charlie. She's…she's a different woman.

Charlie:
Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?

Alan:
That's a little graphic, don't you think?

Charlie:
I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.

Alan:
You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!

Judith:
I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.

Alan:
OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.

Judith:
Herb and I are going to have a baby.

Berta:
Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.

Alan:
"So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.

Charlie:
Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?

Alan:
Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.

Charlie:
And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.

[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]

Charlie:
She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.

Alan:
You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?

Charlie:
What about porta-potties?

Alan [scoffs]:
Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.

Charlie:
I have.

Alan:
You've gone in the trunk of your car?

Charlie:
No, yours. [leaves]

Alan:
That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.

[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]

Charlie:
What are you doing?

Jake:
Playing 'Smoke on the Water'

Charlie:
With your tongue?

Jake:
Pretty cool, huh?

Charlie:
That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!

Alan:
Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.

Jake:
But I'm bored.

Alan:
Go read a book.

Jake:
I don't wanna read a book.

Charlie:
Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?

Alan:
Two weeks.

Charlie:
Two weeks?

Alan:
Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.

Charlie:
That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.

Alan:
No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.

Charlie:
Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

Alan:
You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.

Berta:
That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.

Charlie:
And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving 'til you get to Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.

Alan:
I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.

Charlie:
You know, you're taking the fun out of this!

Charlie:
What's so interesting over there?

Jake:
Nothing.

Charlie:
Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.

[Jerome is looking for his daughter]

Charlie:
Did you try calling your daughter?

Jerome:
She left her cell phone at the house.

Charlie:
Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.

Jake's cell phone:
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...

Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up

Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...

Charlie:
Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.

Alan [on the phone, wearing a dress]:
Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. Yes, just now. If-- if you can hurry, you can... sure, I'll hold.

Evelyn:
Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?

Jerome [sobbing]:
And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.

Charlie:
Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Jerome:
For a placekicker!

Charlie:
Ooh, insult to injury.

Jerome:
A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!

Charlie:
Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.

Charlie:
We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!

Jake:
What's a gonad?

Charlie:
You are.

Jake:
So it's bad.

Alan:
You're not a gonad.

Charlie:
Says the other gonad.

Alan:
Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!

Jake:
Now? I haven't finished my soup!

Charlie:
Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.

Berta:
She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?

Charlie:
And a college education.

Berta:
Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.

Jake:
What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?

Evelyn:
No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?

Jake:
Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.

Evelyn:
60/60, huh?

Jake:
At least. It could be 70/40.

Evelyn:
Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.

Jake:
Is that good?

Evelyn:
For the Ivy League.

Alan:
It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.

Charlie:
So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?

Jake:
You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

Berta:
Is that so?

Jake:
It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.

Jake:
I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer".

Charlie:
Actually, I would.

Charlie:
I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.

Evelyn:
Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?

Charlie:
No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!

Evelyn:
I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...

[while Charlie imagines his own funeral]

James Earl Jones:
To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!

Alan:
I don't care if I never inherit this house.

Charlie:
Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?

Alan:
What new will?

Charlie:
Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.

Alan:
(After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!

Charlie:
So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...

Alan:
Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".

Charlie:
What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!

Charlie:
Everything work out at the office?

Alan:
Uh-huh.

Charlie:
Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?

Alan:
Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.

Charlie:
Her waist or yours?

Alan:
Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.

Charlie:
Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!

Alan:
For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.

Charlie:
Then why do you call it "Brenda"?

[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]

Charlie:
Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.

Jake:
You take a cab home. I'm doing great!

Charlie:
How do you figure?

Jake:
You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...

Charlie:
Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.

Jake:
So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.

Shelly [showing Alan her family photo album]:
Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?

(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)

Alan:
Where are you going?

Jake:
I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?

Alan:
I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.

Charlie:
Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.

Alan:
I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.

Charlie:
OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.

Alan:
Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on!

Charlie [after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]:
Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.

Alan:
This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.

Melissa:
I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.

Alan:
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]

Charlie:
Surprise.

Melissa:
I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.

Berta:
I thought it was Alan's birthday.

Evelyn:
Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

Melissa's Mother:
I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.

Chelsea:
Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?

Charlie:
Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.

Alan:
Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?

Charlie:
No.

Alan:
It's "Mandu".

Charlie:
Mandu?

Alan:
Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?

Charlie:
Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?

Alan:
Because that's what you're always thinking.

Jake:
No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!

Alan:
Hey, watch your mouth!

Jake:
I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!

Dr. Freeman:
You have a choice here: You can dig down and confront your feelings so they won't be controlling your behavior, or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Charlie:
And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?

Chelsea:
I'm from Champaign, Illinois.

Charlie:
You sure?

Chelsea:
I'm sure.

Charlie:
Bastard set me up!

[on couples counseling]

Alan:
Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!

Charlie:
You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

Alan:
Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!

Alan:
If you want dessert, have an apple!

Jake:
Not funny, Dad!

[After when Jake takes Charlie's pudding cups]

Charlie:
The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!

Alan:
[Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!

Charlie:
Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.

Charlie:
So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?

Jake:
I vote for cathouse.

Alan:
Do you even know what a cathouse is?

Jake:
Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!

Alan:
A movie would be fine.

Charlie:
All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake:
There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.

[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]

Jake:
Have I met this woman before?

Alan:
I doubt it.

Jake:
She looks familiar.

Alan:
Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.

Jake:
I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.

Alan:
He does.

Jake:
Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?

Alan:
Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.

Jake:
That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.

Jake:
I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future.

Alan:
Because they're stuck in the past, and they have to get back...

Jake:
Home.

Charlie:
Hey, Jake...

Jake:
You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.

Chelsea:
What?

Jake:
I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.

[at the restaurant where Charlie is on his date with Chelsea]

Bobby:
Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?

Charlie:
Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.

Bobby:
Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.

[At Dr.Freeman office]

Dr.Freeman:
Hey Charlie, how's it going?

Charlie:
Boy you really blew it this time.

Dr.Freeman:
Did I now? How so?

Charlie:
(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.

Dr.Freeman:
(distracted) Oop my bad

Charlie:
Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.

Dr.Freeman:
Sorry I must have been drunk.

Chelsea:
What the hell did I just swallow?

Charlie:
A one-bedroom condo.

Chelsea:
What?

Charlie:
I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!

Chelsea:
Why?

Charlie:
What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!

Chelsea:
That was a ring I just swallowed?!

Charlie:
Hey, who drinks champagne like that?

Chelsea:
I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!

Charlie:
How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!

Chelsea:
Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!

Charlie:
Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?

Berta:
It's called a colander. What do you need it for?

Charlie:
It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.

Berta:
OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?

Chelsea:
I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]

Charlie:
That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.

[The Bridges of Madison County is playing on TV]

Charlie:
This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan:
Yes, it is.

Charlie:
Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan:
Well, tough. I like it.

Charlie:
Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.

Alan:
I'll never apologize for my feminine side.

Alan:
So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?

Charlie:
I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.

Jake:
Maybe she has an STD.

Charlie:
What?

Jake:
It means "sexually transmitted disease".

Charlie:
I know what STD's are!

Alan:
Your uncle helped invent them.

Jake:
You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.

Charlie:
I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.

Jake:
I don't understand.

Charlie:
Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.

Jake:
Okay. (walks to the utility room)

Charlie:
(to Alan) You must be so proud.

Jake:
(from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?

Alan:
Do me a favor. When he comes back, just do it.

Charlie:
Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.

[Chelsea leaves Charlie while Alan argues on the phone with Melissa]

Charlie:
Oh, please don't leave!

Alan:
Oh, please don't hang up!

Charlie and Alan:
I love you!

Berta:
And I love you, too.

[Alan rings the doorbell at Judith's house while Herb and Judith are arguing]

Alan:
Is this a bad time?

Herb:
They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.

Judith:
Don't you walk away from me!

Herb:
Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!

Jake:
Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.

Herb:
Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!

[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]

Herb:
I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Jake:
See you later.

Charlie:
Where you going?

Jake:
Down to the pier with Celeste.

Herb:
Who's Celeste?

Jake:
My girlfriend. She lives next door.

Herb:
She pretty?

Jake:
She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.

Herb:
No kidding.

Charlie:
We don't get it either.

Alan:
Maybe she's punishing her father.

Jake:
Let's hope so!

Charlie:
Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.

Alan:
And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.

Charlie:
I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.

Herb:
Zing!

(Jake goes to Jerome's to pick up Celeste for their date)

Jerome:
Hey, Jake.

Jake:
(intimidated) Hello, sir.

Jerome:
(calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?

Jake:
(still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.

Jerome:
(leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.

Gordon:
[delivering pizza] Hey Mr. Harper.

Charlie:
Oh, hey Gordon! It's been a long time.

Gordon:
Yeah, two years.

Charlie:
So what have you been up to?

Gordon:
Well, I finished night school, got my business degree, met an amazing girl and got married, landed a great job as a stock brocker, the company went under, my wife left me and - uh - that'll be 28.50.

Charlie:
Oh, man I'm sorry. You want a drink?

Gordon:
Why stop now?

Gordon:
Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?

Alan:
Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.

Gordon:
[sighs] Snickerdoodles.

Alan:
You don't like them?

Gordon:
No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.

Charlie:
You're kidding.

Gordon:
Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]

Jerome:
Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.

Gordon:
Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?

Jerome:
Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares] Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]

Alan:
That's way better than "snickerdoodle".

Herb:
Judith calls mine "that thing".

Alan:
As in, "Get that thing away from me"?

Herb:
Yeah, how did you know?

Alan:
Just a guess.

Evelyn:
Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.

Charlie:
Judith.

Evelyn:
Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.

Charlie:
Do you want a better relationship with him?

Evelyn:
Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.

Chelsea:
Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.

Charlie:
What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?

Charlie:
This is a Rolex! You sold me out for a watch!

Alan:
Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]

Charlie:
Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.

Alan:
Oh hey, good idea!

Chelsea's mother:
Now, be honest with me, Charlie. You're so dark and handsome, you've gotta have some dago in you, right?

Charlie:
God, I love your mom.

Charlie:
What'cha doin'?

Alan:
Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.

Charlie:
OK. Why?

Alan:
I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...

Charlie:
Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?

Alan:
No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.

Charlie:
Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.

[on their dinner date with Chelsea and Alan's blind date, who turns out to be Rose]

Bobby:
And for you, sir?

Alan:
Whiskey, neat.

Charlie:
Since when do you drink hard liquor?

Alan:
Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.

Bobby:
Tru dat.

Charlie:
So, once again, what are you up to?

Rose:
OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.

Charlie:
You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.

Rose:
Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.

Charlie:
Kleagle?

Rose:
According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.

Charlie:
[After finding Alan in the shower with Rose and Alan comes out] Explain it to me Alan, help me understand.

Alan:
Oh, you mean Rose?

Charlie:
No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!

Charlie:
Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.

Chelsea:
It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!

Charlie:
Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.

Chelsea:
So you think we should stop having sex?

Charlie:
No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.

Charlie:
Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?

Chelsea:
What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!

Charlie:
No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!

Chelsea:
Charlie...

[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]

Charlie:
Get a good earful?

Berta:
No.

Jake:
I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

Jake:
Where's Uncle Charlie?

Chelsea:
Said he had some sort of meeting.

Jake:
That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.

[Alan is in the kitchen with his ventriloquist dummy]

Charlie:
Alan?

Alan:
Yeah?

Charlie:
You're starting to scare the crap out of me.

Alan:
Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?

Charlie:
That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.

Alan:
Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?

Charlie:
With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]

Alan [as Danny]:
Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.

[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]

Chelsea:
Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?

Charlie:
No.

Chelsea:
Why not?

Charlie:
Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!

Chelsea:
Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.

Charlie:
Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?

Chelsea:
Yeah?

Charlie:
Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.

Chelsea:
He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.

Charlie:
My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.

Chelsea:
Please. For me?

Charlie:
Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?

Charlie:
You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.

Chelsea:
Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.

Charlie:
Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.

Alan:
Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.

[Charlie enters Alan's room]

Charlie:
OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!

Alan:
What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?

Charlie:
You're text-blocking me.

Alan:
Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.

Charlie:
Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.

Alan:
You don't scare me, Charlie. You need me to keep Chelsea off your back

Charlie:
That may be true, but I don't need him! [Grabs Danny and grasps his head, threatening to pull it off]

Alan:
Just let him go, Charlie, this is between you and me.

Charlie:
Not anymore.

Alan:
Don't you dare hurt him!

Charlie:
Well now, that's entirely up to you. His tiny wooden head is in your hands.

Charlie:
Alan?

Alan:
Yeah?

Charlie:
Smack your kid for me.

Alan:
Should we really risk more brain damage?

Jake:
Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.

Alan:
Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.

Jake:
Kobe Bryant?

Alan:
No.

Jake:
Lauren Conrad?

Alan:
No.

Jake:
Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?

Alan:
What is wrong with you?

[on Alan's screenplay]

Jake:
You know what you could call it?

Alan:
What?

Jake:
Bor-ing!

Alan:
Thank you.

Jake:
Rated G... A-Y.

[Judith is in labor]

Judith:
OH, MY FREAKING GOD!

Alan:
Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.

Judith:
Great...

Alan:
Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.

Judith:
Uh-huh.

Alan:
I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.

Chelsea:
I can't get over how into this baby you are.

Charlie:
It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.

Chelsea:
So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?

Charlie:
I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.

[Herb invites Alan and Charlie to Ladies'Night at the Sand Dollar]

Herb:
What do you say, Alan? You can get in for half price. Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.

Alan:
Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, huh? Uh, no, I have other plans.

Herb:
[unaware that he's going to meet Judith] Oh, got a date?

Charlie:
[sarcastically] Yeah, Alan, you got a date?

Alan:
No, no. A date? PFFT! Not likely. [fake laugh] [to Charlie] No, I have a meeting with the, about the- about the group. I told you, remember?

Charlie:
[jokingly] No, tell me again.

Alan:
[to Herb] He's a little pickled. [back to Charlie] Uh, well, if you must know, uh, I-I belong to a book club that I am going to.

Charlie:
Oh, that's right. What book are you reading again?

Alan:
It-It's a mystery, uh, called, "Why Are You Doing This to Me?"

Charlie:
Oh, yeah. It's by the same guy who wrote "Because It Amuses Me".

Herb:
Boy, I wouldn't have had you two pegged as readers.

Alan:
Well, there you go. Good night. [leaves]

Herb:
[before leaving] Hey, Alan?

Alan:
[stops] Yeah?

Herb:
You talk much to Judith?

Alan:
[scared, but lies] Nope. See you.

Herb:
Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I said hi.

Alan:
Okay.

Herb:
And that the time we spent together is very special to me and if she needs anything, uh, just call me.

Alan:
I'm there.

Charlie:
You know what's a good book? [both Alan and Herb listen to him] "Under the Dining-Room Table", by Richard Gobbler.

[long pause]

Alan:
But-But, it does not compare to "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai.

Melissa:
[To Berta, Evelyn and Charlie] You should be ashamed of yourselves. This (Alan) is a warm and wonderful human being and he deserves more, especially from his family. I don't even know why you guys showed up tonight.

Berta:
Well, I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm getting overtime.

Melissa's Mother:
You know, I did spend a summer in Yosemite doing 'shrooms, so maybe I wasn't an official forest ranger.

Charlie:
[to Rose] So you actually wanna be with him?

Rose:
[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie:
[to Alan] And you believe she's got no ulterior motive whatsoever?

Alan:
[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie:
[to both of them] Fine. I now pronounce you fruit basket & nutcase! May God have mercy on your souls.