Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #96

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,222 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[Jon calls his Dad]

Jon:
Hey, Dad. Do you have any old photos of me and Ding Dong Football? I'm doing this campaign right now, and it's sort of based on how The Mirminskys killed her.

Jon's Dad:
Jon, The Mirminskys didn't kill Ding Dong Football.

Jon:
What?

Jon's Dad:
I killed her. I hit her with my car. Your mother and I thought it would be easier on you if we just told you it was The Mirminskys.

Jon:
Dad, does anyone else know about this?

Jon's Dad:
No.

Jon:
Keep your [bleep] mouth shut about this, do you understand? You don't tell a [bleep] soul.

Jon's Dad:
What?

Jon:
Shut the [bleep] up about this.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Ding Dong Football -- That is the narrative for your campaign. That's your John McCain P.O.W. angle, huh?

Jon:
McCain -- Yes.

David:
Didn't McCain lose?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Ryan and Jon start a debate fight]

Ryan:
I'd like to point out that my opponent doesn't even own a dog. How does somebody that doesn't even own a dog expect you to believe that he has what it takes to be Dog Mayor?

Jon:
You know, my opponent likes to point out that I do not own a dog, and yet what he DOESN'T point out is that he bought his token dog just this past week.

Ryan:
Do you even own a dog?

Jon:
...

Ryan:
Do you even own a dog -- Yes or no?

Jon:
No. I do not own a dog. Want to know why? It's because she was gunned down by the mob. Those heartless, gutless, animal-hating Mirminskys killed my dog, which is exactly why you want me to be Bog Mayor, 'cause I'll make sure your dog is safe.

Jon:
Is your dog safe? Is your dog safe, back there? Is your dog safe? What's to stop the mob from killing your dog? Right now. Boom. -- Gun. Boom. Your dog's dead. Machine guns. [imitates machine gun] That's the sound you're gonna hear with this guy in charge. Me -- Your dogs are safe. That's right.

Jon:
Uh, also, real quick, I do want to thank Nicky from Nicky's Grinders. That is home of the 7-foot party sub. [singing] 'Cause with one foot more, the PARTY STILL ROARS! YEAH! RAWR!

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added 4 months ago

Ryan:
May the best man, win.

Jon:
Alright, groom.

Ryan:
What do you mean, groom?

Jon:
You said "May the best man win", right?

Ryan:
Yeah.

Jon:
I'm the best man. You're the groom.

Ryan:
Do you even realize what a phenomenal [bleep] you are?

Jon:
Hey, man, call me whatever you want, but starting next week, you better get used calling me "His royal majesty, The Duke Earl of Dog Mayors".

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after Jon's campaign ad was over, Ryan's campaign ad shows up on TV]

Ryan:
[on TV] Hi. I'm Ryan Anderson.

Kim:
[tired] Oh, my god.

Ryan:
[on TV] And I'm also running for Dog Mayor. I don't have much experience with animals, and I have no political experience whatsover. I'll tell you what else I don't have -- A bounty on my head by the Russian mafia and a ski mask on my face. I paid for 10 more seconds of this commercial. Take that time to think about it.

[Jon, Kim, David, and Mighty Joe Jon were devastated by this ad, except for Jay 2 the Doorman]

Ryan:
[on TV] I'm Ryan Anderson, and I approve this message. [ad ends]

Jay 2:
[claps]

Jon:
Jay, get out!

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Hey, wake up. We're almost on.

Kim:
Is anyone even gonna see this, honey?

Jon:
If we're up, other people are up.

David:
We're only up 'cause we have to be.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Damn it, David! You know where I was at? I was doing it up at the technical emmy after party. I came here. You can't spend two seconds for your father?

Jon:
Thank you very much. [to David] And stay out of my popcorn.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
I need to ask you a favor. Uh, I need some time off, and I need to borrow some cash.

Nicky:
Don't say another word. Whatever it is. You're like a son to me. Whatever -- Gambling, drugs, pornography.

Jon:
Yeah, it's for Dog Mayor. I need some money for campaign ads.

Nicky:
Jon, I have to be honest with you. Dog Mayor makes no sense to me.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Jon:
You know, David, when I become Dog Mayor, that is gonna make you first pup.

Kim:
Aww.

Ryan:
Oh, my god. You're running for an office that doesn't exist. No one cares.

Kim:
Ryan, Jon cares.

Jon:
Look, you can be as bitter as you want about your own [bleep] life, but maybe you could also try being a little productive, for a change. Take a break from the complain train. "Look at me! I'm gonna put siding on a house! That's better. That's better than trying to do something positive for dogs".

Ryan:
You're in the Witness Protection Program.

Jon:
Alright.

Ryan:
Alright, you're supposed to be hiding.

Jon:
I can state facts, too. You're an asshole.

Kim:
Oh, Jon.

[Ryan angrily leaves]

Jon:
Oh, here he goes. Here he goes.

Kim:
Ryan.

Ryan:
[to Jon] Fact -- You're a dummy. That's a fact. You're an idiot.

Jon:
Keep walking, friend.

Ryan:
You're a dummy. [leaves]

Jon:
Yep. That's me.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
It's very similar to handing our free condoms, handing our free needles for aids patients and all that.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Cats have catnip. How about some dognip for dogs?

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Dogs go nuts for gravy.

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added 4 months ago

Rob:
Look, uh, Kim told me about your dog.

Jon:
I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Rob:
Oh, no. Hey, that's alright.

Jon:
[crying] It's not.

Rob:
It's okay. Hey, what was your dog's name?

Jon:
Ding Dong Football. Pretty awesome name for a dog, right?

Rob:
[goes with it] Mm-hmm.

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added 4 months ago

Kim:
You know, Jon actually had a dog. He left it with his parents when he entered the program, and the mob had it assassinated.

Rob:
My god. JON!

Kim:
I can't believe you don't know that. Didn't you read his file?

Rob:
Skipped certain parts of it.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Rob:
You should get a dog.

Jon:
What?

Rob:
You should get a dog.

Jon:
I WILL NEVER GET A DOG! YOU HEAR ME?! EVER! EVER AGAIN! [runs away] NO, I'LL NEVER GET A DOG! [crying] I'LL NEVER GET A DOG!

Rob:
[to Kim] What was that about?

Jon:
EVER! EVER!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Jon:
No hoagie for old men, and that is wide. Makes me feel like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail".

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added 4 months ago

[Jon takes a bite of the Number 31 Sandwich]

Jon:
The crack of crust, coolness of dijon counterbalancing the snap of pepper turkey. The pepper turkey cracking the whip on my taste buds. The oarsmen on the slave ship of my mouth. There it is. Sun-dried tomato, yeah -- The signature ingredient in the number 31. Mmm. Never overpowering. Just enough to remind me of its presence, playing peek-a-boo with the inside of your mouth. Mmm. Peek-a...boo. Peek-a...ooh. Peek-a...yum. Peek-a into my tum.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
I heard that, uh, Scarlett Johansson is gonna do a cover of her Tom Waits covers.

Kim:
Oh, like a cover of a cover?

Kim:
She's, like, covering herself. Sounds kind of good.

Jon:
I think it sounds kind of interesting.

Kim:
Yeah.

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added 4 months ago

Jon (as Dennis Farina):
You know, I like to do, uh, my Dennis Farina sometimes at parties, and a lot of people, uh, they'll ask -- They'll ask after like, "Are you really from Chicago"? And I'll, you know, I'm tell them, "Of course no, I'm not. Not -- Not -- I'm not from there". And they can't believe I'm not from Chicago, and I'm not. They're like, "Oh, my god. You sound like it". I'm like, "What can I tell you? I'm not. I'm not from Chicago".

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added 4 months ago

[after Sergei's plan to suicide Jon failed, Sergei comes to Yvgeny comedy act]

Yvgeny:
"Ask not what your vodka can do for you. Ask what you can do for your vodka".

Sergei:
[forced laugh] AH! SO FUNNY! SO FUNNY, YVGENY! HA HA HA HA! AAAAAAAH HA HA HA!! OH, YEAH!

Yvgeny:
Can we please have him removed, please?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after the conversation with Mike being alive, Jon finally went back to his own personality]

Jon:
[normal voice] Goodbye, old friend.

Dr. Karen Mitchell:
Jon, who just said goodbye?

Jon:
I did. Who else would say it? Wait -- Hold on a second. Dennis Farina was here, and no one comes to get me? He's a favorite actor! Thanks a lot. A once-in-a-lifetime chance. You know I do an awesome Farina. Then he'd look at me and go, "Oh, my god. You do me so great. I can't believe it. It's like looking in the mirror, this guy". Thanks a lot, you guys.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Mike came back by giving him a synthesized voice]

Mike:
[synthesized] Hey, Jon. My buddy. How you doin'?

Jon (as Carlos):
Jon's not here. Jon's scared.

Mike:
[synthesized] Aw, don't be scared, Carlos.

[cuts to the next scene]

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] Come on. Let me talk to Jon.

Jon:
Mike, I thought you were dead.

Mike:
[synthesized] U-Uh, no. No. I was just sleeping. I had to go on my vacation to vail, and Jon ran away before I woke up. I broke my leg skiing.

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] Otherwise, I'd get up and give you a hug.

Jon (as Brody):
Maybe I can give you a hug.

Mike:
[synthesized] Of course, you can, Brody.

[Jon hugs dead Mike]

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] Oh, hey, that reminds me. You won't believe what they called one of the slopes up there. Here -- Under my arm. I got you a t-shirt.

[Mike gives Jon a t-shirt of wiggler]

Jon (as Dennis Farina):
Oh, my god. There's another wiggler. So, what are you gonna do now, Mike?

Mike:
[synthesized] Well, I'm, uh, going back to Florida to run my family's hardware store.

Mighty Joe Jon:
[controlling the voice of Mike] I'd thought I come by and say goodbye.

Mike:
[synthesized] Heard you were asking about me. Well, goodbye, Jon.

[as dead Mike leaves, Mighty Joe Jon tries to control the wheelchair to leave Jon's apartment while making bumps]

Jon:
Do you need help, Mike?

Mike:
[synthesized] No, that's alright I can get it.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Dr. Karen Mitchell:
How does your son's apology make you feel?

Jon:
[chicago accent] I don't understand, personally, why see me when I walk in the room. Yeah, you guys ever see my performance in "Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling"? Pretty underrated performance, right? We watch it a lot at the hospital.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
[hispanic accent] Hey, man. I heard you're the guy who's going to, uh, slip his shrimp out of his taco, eh? Get a little chimichanga down there, right? Maybe you come over and see Carlos after the operation? I'll show you my chorizo burrito. We'll get these two together, eh?

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
[hispanic accent] Juan isn't here right now.

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added 4 months ago

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In which movie did this phrase get tattooed on someone back: "I never wish to be parted from you from this day on"?
A The Ultimate Life
B Memento
C After We Collided
D Sex and Lucia