Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #97

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,223 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Jon:
[hispanic accent] Juan isn't here right now.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
[australian accent] Where's the water? Where's the beach?

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added 4 months ago

David:
Hey, uh, Dad, when they take my nuggets out, do you think we could give them to some needy third world kid or something?

Jon:
David, I don't care anymore what they do. Do whatever you want. I don't care.

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added 4 months ago

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Oy! This broken elevator's a little gerfarluft for my tastes.

Jon:
Please, enough with the gibberish. I'm begging you.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Gibberish? What? I'm speaking Yiddish.

Jon:
Right. Yiddish. Diedelay diedelah diedle! Diedelah! I speak Yiddish, too, okay? I get it.

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added 4 months ago

Jay 2:
[imitates airplane engine] Special delivery flying in.

Jon:
Just give me the f***ing envelope, Jay. You know what? Instead of playing airplane, do your f***ing job and get the elevators fixed. How about that? And the new lobby sucks, by the way!

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added 4 months ago

[all the Decoy Jon strike for benefits after watching a Russian cartoon that they've been hypnotize on]

Deocy Jon #2:
What do we want?

All Decoy Jons:
BENEFITS!

Decoy Jon #2:
And when do we want them?

All Decoy Jons:
NOW!

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added 4 months ago

David:
So, first, I'm getting elective bilateral orchiectomy, where they remove my testicles, and then I'm getting vaginoplasty, where they remove the erectile tissue of my penis and surgically construct a vagina.

Rob:
Don't forget the hormone treatments and the breast implants.

David:
Oh, yeah. A-A-And Mighty Joe Jon says the network's gonna pay for the whole operation.

Jon:
[to Kim] Will you please talk to him -- Get these away from me?

Kim:
[yiddish accent] A penis isn't enough? Now you need a vagina?

Jon:
In a normal voice, please! That's driving me crazy!

Kim:
[yiddish voice] This my normal voice. You want me to Jewish, you not want me to be Jewish. No wonder your son is confused.

David:
I'm not confused! I'm getting a vagina!

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added 4 months ago

David:
Look, I appreciate everything you guys are doing for me...

Jon:
You're welcome.

David:
...but you guys are driving me crazy! You said the decision is mine to make, right?

Susan:
Right?

Jon:
Of course?

David:
And whatever I choose, you both support that, right?

Susan:
Of course, sweetie.

Jon:
Absolutely.

David:
What I want, more than anything...is to be a woman.

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added 4 months ago

Susan:
There are alternative ways of looking at the world, and David has a choice now, and he loves choices, don't you, David?

Jon:
Of course he loves choice, because he's one of the chosen people.

Susan:
And so, therefore, the only decision that David has to make is to do what Jesus would do.

Jon:
Jesus was Jewish.

Susan:
He wasn't Jewish!

Jon:
He...was...Jewish!

Susan:
Here we go. Here we go.

Jon:
They should have called him "Jewsus".

Susan:
Every time. Like clockwork.

Jon:
"Jewsus Christ".

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added 4 months ago

[all the decoy Jons watch a russian puppet cartoon]

Sickle:
What's wrong, Hammer?

Hammer:
I'm just sad because workers are being exploited. [crying]

Sickle:
How, Hammer?

Hammer:
They're being forced to work under terrible conditions with little or no benefits. They should strike.

Sickle:
That is a great idea. The End.

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added 4 months ago

Rob:
Hey, who's up for some lunch? Got to tell you, I make a pretty mean cheese sandwich.

Jon:
You know what I could really go for? Some of Mike's Hallah French Toast.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Oy. What a coincidence. I just bought this hallah. I'll go make you some french toast. Oh, and you put the meat on the dairy side of the fridge. We're Kosher now. [singing] Di-di, di-di di, di-di-di...

Jon:
Hey, if you're not gonna take this seriously, let's just drop it.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] I'm not taking it any less serious than you make me a sheet.

Jon:
Uh...excuse me?

Kim:
[yiddish accent] Oh, the sex sheet you made me.

Jon:
I didn't make that. I don't know that came from.

Kim:
[yiddish accent] I'm sure you also didn't write me this lovely note. "To Kim -- I am in anticipation of making sexual encounters with you through this jewish hole.

Jon:
No, I didn't write the card, and I didn't make the sheet. I mean, did I? Am I losing my mind? Am I in bonkers town here?

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added 4 months ago

[Sergei buys a sheet from a clothing store]

Sergei:
Do you have any special sheets for Jews? Jews -- Jew sheets?

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added 4 months ago

Kim:
Oh, come on, honey. It's alright. Look, we're gonna find Mike, okay?

Jon:
Susan is converting to cathoclism. [scoffs]

Kim:
Oh. Uh...

Jon:
Let's not talk about it.

Kim:
Yeah.

Jon:
Hey, you know what I was actually thinking?

Kim:
Hm?

Jon:
You should convert to Judaism.

Kim:
Wow. That's, um... [chuckles] You are really unbelievable.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
David, I'll see you next year, in Israel.

David:
In Jerusalem -- Next year, in Jerusalem.

Jon:
Which is in Israel.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Susan, we broke up, you got a new federal agent, you got a new federal agent, and that guy resigned so he could be your boyfriend. Then you broke up with that guy to be boyfriends with your next agent, and so on with the next, like five agents. And now all of a sudden, you're converting to catholicism for one of these guys?

Susan:
That's right.

Jon:
Really?

Susan:
'Cause I finally found the right man.

Rob:
And I'm not "one of these guys". Susan and I have a spiritual connection, as well as a sexual one. It's very important to me to make sure that Susan's eternal soul doesn't burn in hell. And I don't want to step on any dad toes there, but the same goes for little David, as well.

Jon:
Absolutely not.

Susan:
Uh-huh.

Jon:
David can make his own decision, do you understand me?

Rob:
David, do you want to burn in hell?

David:
I don't really care.

Jon:
You don't have to care. Hey, you don't have to care as long as you be Jewish while you're not caring.

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added 4 months ago

[Jon shows his divorced wife a starfish devotion necklace]

Rob:
Is that a starfish?

Jon:
Yes, and what it is is one arm for each month, and when this goes on, okay, it's over between me and you.

Susan:
Okay.

Jon:
I mean, like, officially done.

Susan:
No, I'm sorry. Didn't...we get divorced, which I initiated?

Jon:
No. Right. No, I know, but I'm...Susan, I'm saying when I put this on, that's officially it. There's no changing your mind like, "I still love Jon. Let's annul the divorce" -- None of that.

Rob:
You can't annul a divorce.

Jon:
Whatever the terminology is, there's no going back. When I put this on, this signifies my devotion to my new girlfriend, and you and I are done.

Susan:
Okay.

Jon:
"Okay, so, don't put in on"?

Susan:
"Okay, you can put it on".

Jon:
No more Bone Zone.

Rob:
Hey.

Susan:
Oh, boy.

Jon:
"Hey" what?

Susan:
You should wear the necklace -- With pride.

Jon:
Alright. Here it goes.

Susan:
Yep.

Jon:
About to clasp.

Susan:
That's fantastic.

Jon:
"It's fantastic, so don't put it on"?

Susan:
"Fantastic to put in on. We're a go".

Jon:
Here we go. Commencing countdown in...

Susan:
Here we go -- 3, 2...

Jon:
5, 4...

Susan:
...1...

Jon:
...3...

Susan:
...2...

Jon:
Holding launch. Birds on the launching pad.

Susan:
God help me.

Jon:
It's on. It's on.

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added 4 months ago

[Kim reads Jon's note]

Kim:
"Kim, four months is short time but feels like forever that you have been sunshine in my heart. I am having plan for today to be most wonderful day of romance".

Jon:
[chuckles] I didn't write that.

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added 4 months ago

[Jon dances and singing to Kim while naked]

Jon:
[singing] Look out! It's The Wiggler! Watch out for The Wiggler! Bamp, ba-bamp, boom, bam ba-namp, bow!

Kim:
Jon.

Mike:
It's okay. I'm familiar with The Wiggler.

Jon:
Yeah, he's seen The Wiggler.

Kim:
You guys, like, show each other?

Jon:
We don't show each other. It's just more like...just...you just...you see --

Kim:
Falls out.

Jon:
Sometimes.

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added 4 months ago

Sergei:
Why are you here, Todd Barry? Why do you bother coming here all the time?

Todd Barry:
Why are you here, tough guy, huh? All you do is sit around. Aren't you supposed to be trying to kill Jon or something?

Sergei:
Killing Jon is too easy. Killing the people around him is more fun. I get to look inside his soul and watch it crumble to dust. I could make Jon suicide himself if I want.

Yvgeny:
You think you are such hot diarrhea. You could not make him do it.

Sergei:
If I get Jon to suicide himself by end of week, you leave comedy business forever.

Yvgeny:
Okay. But if you don't get him to kill himself...you have to come to my showcase.

Sergei:
Deal.

Yvgeny:
Deal.

Sergei:
I will crawl inside Jon's soul and make him shriek for mercy.

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added 4 months ago

Yvgeny:
Quotes from history if they drank vodka. FDR -- "The only thing we have to fear is...running out of vodka".

Todd Barry:
That's stupid. You're embarrassing yourself on national tv.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Did you really tie your tubes?

Kim:
Well...untying them isn't that big a deal.

Jon:
She's gonna untie her tubes!

Kim:
Well...uh...It's not -- It's not definite.

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added 4 months ago

[Kim reads a poem to Jon]

Kim:
"What I Think of You". "Yours is a face that I thought I knew. But then one day, quite out of the blue...

[cuts to the next scene where Yvgeny is reading the exact same poem that Kim is reading]

Yvgeny:
"The Real you is revealed to me. I'm sorry to say I don't like what I see".

Kim:
"Expressing myself would help the hurt real. But I hold in my feelings, and they start to congeal.

Yvgeny:
"A baby with your face would be ugly doubled, then cubed".

Kim:
"So I took extreme measures and tied my tubes".

Yvgeny:
That part, I...does not apply to you. But I really like it.

Kim:
"Thought I have been conflicted, I had to be straight. Now the ball's in your court".

Kim & Yvgeny:
"Will it bounce or deflate"?

[Kim crumbles up the poem and throws it at Jon]

[meanwhile with Yvgeny and Sergei]

Sergei:
"Will it bounce or deflate"? [laughs] You are pathetic, Yvgeny. You are a little boy.

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added 4 months ago

[after watching Jon Decoy #1's act in a theater]

Kim:
That was fantastic! I mean, Jon's decoy is really good.

Jon:
Oh, my god. Come on. He's terrible. Kim, come on. Let's just hope he does a much better job as my decoy, or you, my dear, are in a whole heap of Frrt. [laughter]

Kim:
Yeah, well, at least he's not ugly.

Jon:
Okay, and who are we talking about?

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added 4 months ago

Sergei:
You are a great disappointment, Yvgeny. You are not funny. And you are an embarrassment to the family.

[Yvgeny shows him a poem on computer]

Sergei:
[reads] "What I think of You", by Anonymous.

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added 4 months ago

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