[Jon (as Unknown Heckler) participates in the comedy contest]
Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
You know, I, uh -- I know this is a comedy contest and that I'm supposed to try to make everyone laugh and tell jokes and try to win the money. But there's some things in life that are more important than standing on a stage and trying to get a couple of yucks.
Audience:
[laughter]
Jon (as Unknown Heckler):
No, no, I'm -- I'm serious. I may be the Unknown Heckler, but, uh... [takes off his paper bag] I'm also a person.
Jon:
My name is Jon. And I have a story that needs to be known. My sister comes to my apartment the other day, and I can tell something's wrong. You know, I'm all like, "Sis, what's up"? Turns out she's pregnant, but she doesn't love the father. She's upset, tells me she's thinking about having an abortion, and I'm all like, "Slow down, sis. Put on the conversation brakes here. I mean, you are talking about an actual life, for goodness sake".
Jon:
Go to the kitchen to get here some water, grab a bag of chips. I'm trying to open the chips, and, I mean, has anybody tried to open a bag of these things lately?
Audience:
[laughter]
Jon:
I mean, you got to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to open a bag of these things. Somebody call the crunchinator. [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll be back...with chips.
[Jon was having the fun doing his comedic joke moments]
Jon:
Someone was trying to convince me the other day that life does not begin at conception. And I was all like, "Whatever -- All I know is that taste begins at the crunch".
Jon:
[as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Hey, predator, pass the chips.
Jon:
Somebody was saying that they don't think it's about the baby. They think it's about a mother's choice. And I was like -- [imitates crunching] "See -- I can't hear you over the crunch".
Jon:
Well, I thank god I live in America, that I have the freedom to come up here onstage and voice my opinion. Right. In other words, what a crunch-ry!
