30 Rock

Tracy Jordan:
I learned fried chicken at the school of hard knocks.

Pete:
[Tending to one of three cast members who have been rendered unfilmable for that week's episode] Liz Taylor really messed him up! He might have brain damage.

Liz Lemon:
God. Maybe the musical guest can do some extra songs this week. Who is it?

Pete:
James Blunt.

Liz Lemon:
Ugghh.

Liz Lemon:
Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack:
It's after 6 o'clock Lemon. What am I, a farmer?

[repeated line]

Liz Lemon:
Blurg.

[repeated line]

Liz Lemon:
I want to go to there.

[repeated line]

Liz Lemon:
What the what?

Liz Lemon:
Where are you headed with this?

Liz Lemon:
Hey, nerds! Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried once today? This moi.

Jack:
Let's do it. Let's move here. We'll get a little cabin in the woods.

Celeste Cunningham:
I'll plant heirloom tomatoes, we'll ride our bikes into town.

Jack:
I'll grow a beard. People from my old life will pass us through town and won't even recognize me, they'll just say, "Thanks, Pap," and then they'll buy some of my cider. [Jack's cell phone rings]

Celeste Cunningham:
Ugh, the real world calling. [Jack throws his cell phone into the pond] Oh, my god! [C.C. throws her cell phone too]

Jack:
[shouts] I'M IN LOOOOVE!

Coal Miner:
God, I wish this town weren't halfway between DC and New York.

Liz Lemon:
[Liz is calling a co-op board and getting more drunk] [10:20 PM] Hey, it's Liz Lemon. This message is for the co-op board, I guess This is the number you gave me, I hope it's not fake. 'Cause you accepted my bid and I haven't heard from you. But I'm doing great. I bought a German television studio today.

Liz Lemon:
[10:55 PM] Does everyone know that you're a bunch of liars or should I tell them myself, because I know a lot of people.

Liz Lemon:
[11:14 PM] You know what? I'm fine. Because I know who I am. You, I feel sorry for you, co-op board

Liz Lemon:
[12:01 AM] [Liz is on the floor of her bathroom] I AM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL! AND I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!

Liz Lemon:
[12:03 AM] I'm just confused. It seems weird to me that you would still be advertising the apartment after you accepted my offer.

Liz Lemon:
[2:15 AM] [Liz is singing] And I'm here to remind you...

Liz Lemon:
[7:00 AM] You know what? I've moved on. I bought a whole bunch of apartments. I bought a black apartment.

Tracy Jordan:
Here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age.Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Angie Jordan:
It's my way 'til payday

Jack:
Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap

Tracy Jordan:
I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant

Tracy Jordan:
So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

Liz Lemon:
I pretty much do whatever Oprah tells me to do

Jack:
All of my summer replacement shows were big hits: "America's Next Top Pirate", "Are You Stronger Than a Dog?", "MILF Island"...

Liz Lemon:
"MILF Island"?

Jack:
Twenty-five super-hot moms, 50 eighth-grade boys, no rules.

Liz Lemon:
Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?

Jack:
That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the '60s.

Jack:
I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.

Kenneth Parcell:
It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!

Tracy Jordan:
I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.

Jack:
Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

Jack:
Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.

Liz Lemon:
A businesswoman.

Jack:
I don't think that's a word.

Angie Jordan:
My single "My Single is Dropping" is dropping.

Tracy Jordan:
Liz Lemon! I can't believe they put what you said in the paper.

Liz Lemon:
Shh! How do you know about that? [Liz looks at Tracy's newspaper] This is a "Cathy" cartoon.

Tracy Jordan:
Yeah, that cartoon copied exactly what you said the other day.

Liz Lemon:
[Flashback to Liz] Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Aack!

Liz Lemon:
Where's my sandwich?

Bucky Bright:
Boy, 30 Rock. Stories I could tell about this plays. Eh, nobody wants to listen to me anymore.

Kenneth Parcell:
Oh, Mr. Bright, I would love to hear about the good old days.

Bucky Bright:
Well, it was different back then, I'll tell you. Yes, sir, boy, they were classy. Yeah. Yeah, it was. We didn't have any of those shirts with words on them or dungarees or anything like that. No, sirree. Men came to work in ties and hats.

Kenneth Parcell:
That's so elegant.

Bucky Bright:
And you had tailor-made suits and a little place here for a little carnation in your lapel. And an inside monogrammed pocket, you know, for your opium pipe and your switchblade.

Jack:
Have you ever considered becoming the celebrity face of the Republican Party?

Tracy Jordan:
What? Hell no! Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the Earth?

Jack:
Now, that mis-perception is precisely why the GOP needs better celebrities. And a black celebrity, such as yourself, would really make us look good. Now, do you like lower taxes?

Tracy Jordan:
If I paid taxes, I sure would.

Jack:
How about gun ownership?

Tracy Jordan:
Go on.

Jack:
States' rights?

Tracy Jordan:
I love states' rights!

Jack:
And, let none of us forget that the GOP is the party of Lincoln.

Tracy Jordan:
Lincoln was a Republican?

Dot Com:
Actually, today's Republican Party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln. He fought a war to preserve federal authority over the states. That's not exactly small government.

Jack:
Dot Com, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off-putting.

Dot Com:
I guess that's why I'm still single.

[repeated line]

Dennis Duffy:
Hey dummy.

[repeated line]

Jack:
Good God Lemon!

Jack:
Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Tracy Jordan:
Stop eating people's old french fries, pigeon! Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

[repeated line]

Pete:
Yes, Hornberger!

Kenneth Parcell:
Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.

Jack:
We are lovers.

Liz Lemon:
That word bums me out unless it's between the words "meat" and "pizza".

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
If you want the shot... you're going to have to dance for it.

Jenna Maroney:
You look like that flashcard they told me means sadness.

Liz Lemon:
Jay Z was right about New York. Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up, there's nothing you can do.

Jenna Maroney:
Do you need a sex tape release? Because I've got a weird one. It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.

Tracy Jordan:
What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?

Kenneth Parcell:
Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay.

Liz Lemon:
You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling. End of list.

Jack:
I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Liz Lemon:
[singing] Workin' on my night cheese!

Tracy Jordan:
I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!

Abby Flynn:
I'm a very sexy baby.

Liz Lemon:
Shut it down, dealbreaker!

Liz Lemon:
[singing] I'm a star! I'm on top! Somebody bring me some ham!

Jenna Maroney:
The Kids Choice Awards? Fine, I'll set aside my feud with Raven-Symone for one day... but she knows what she did.

Colleen Donaghy:
Tell him that his mother's here. And she loves him. But not in a queer way.

Liz Lemon:
I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party dance all night.

Jack:
Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?

Jack:
Factories provide three things this country desperately needs: jobs, pride, and material for Bruce Springsteen songs.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Erectile dysfunction: it's not just a dog problem anymore.

Tracy Jordan:
Ladies and gentlemen of the Cabletown board, I quit.

Jenna Maroney:
So do I.

Liz Lemon:
What the hell are you doing? [to the executives] They're replaceable. We can get David Allan Grier and Miss Piggy.

Tracy Jordan:
I'll telling you what we're doing, LL. We're finally stepping up.

Jenna Maroney:
This show is a disaster. Except for the very moving Todd Debeikes tribute. Todd, we'll miss you.

Tracy Jordan:
I know you wanna save TGS, Lemonhead, but there is no TGS to save, and you should be at the airport right now picking up your chili.

Jenna Maroney:
Children, Tracy.

Tracy Jordan:
Children? Why the hell are you still here?

Jenna Maroney:
We knew you'd never give up, so for once, let us step up and do what we do best: nothing.

Liz Lemon:
You're doing this for me?

Frank Rossitano:
We all are. I quit, Liz.

Pete Hornberger:
Me too.

Toofer:
I quit.

J.D. Lutz:
Mommy's baby quits.

Cerie:
I actually quit two years ago.

Subhas:
Subhas out. Suck it.

Liz Lemon:
Your meatballs are good! Like, IKEA good.

Kenneth Parcell:
I guess I signed off on a script where an Asian character refers to "Rindsey Rohan" posing for "Prayboy". But I know that's very offensive, especially because Asians are under-represented on this network.

Liz Lemon:
I can't be your girlfriend 'cause I'm not an old pedophile.

Lynn Onkman:
We prefer the term adultaphobe.

Jack Donaghy:
Kenneth, since you've left the page program, finding you a new position here has been one of the most difficult challenges of my career. And I'm including making it through the '80s without having sex with Belinda Carlisle.

Kenneth Parcell:
I know, sir. But I just can't work in ad sales. We have far too many sponsors that make house work easier for women.

Liz Lemon:
Avery Jessup, yeah, she's hot. She was on Maxim's "I'd Rape That 100."

Liz Lemon:
You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Like, monologues.

Liz Lemon:
Tray, I need you to pick me up from the dentist.

Tracy Jordan:
No can do, Liz Lemon. Every Valentines Day, Angie and I rent a heart-shaped tub to make chili on. Then we take it to the homeless shelter, and that's when things start getting sexy.

Frank Rossitano:
You are no different. You just want to know somone cares about you. Only your case is worse, because that tooth infection could spread to your brain and kill you.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah, well when I'm a ghost, I'll haunt you in your sleep.

Frank Rossitano:
Then you're gonna see some disgusting stuff.

Jenna Maroney:
You know what I realized? Maynard was the longest relationship of my life, after Doug.

Kenneth Parcell:
Please don't say who Doug...

Jenna Maroney:
Doug is my vibrator.

Liz Lemon:
I don't think the anastasia has affectered me at all.

Jenna Maroney:
I'm sorry, Liz, I can't stop now. I just got my stalker's address from his parole officer, and I have to go confront him to find out why he's been ignoring me.

Jenna Maroney:
The reason I speak with a slight English inflection in my voice is because I lost my virginity to the My Fair Lady soundtrack.

Tracy Jordan:
What is this, Horse-ville? 'Cause I am surrounded by nay-sayers! Wordplay!

Jack Donaghy:
If we can put an ear on a mouse's back, we can certainly make a peacock immortal.

Jack Donaghy:
You are at the top of the pyramid. Granted, TGS is a small pyramid, but nevertheless it will one day be your tomb. And you can't feel sorry for the slaves that built that pyramid, which, again, will be your tomb.

Jack Donaghy:
I can't have bedbugs. I went to Princeton.

Kenneth Parcell:
Sir, everyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain, even the mayor had them, and she was a horse.

Jenna Maroney:
We have to stop Jayden Tyler! He's evil, Tracy!

Tracy Jordan:
He's evil Tracy? Oh, he's evil, comma, Tracy.

Jack Donaghy:
[At the subway] Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jack Donaghy, and I have bedbugs. I'm not a drug addict, I'm a high-raking executive at the General Electric corporation, and I'm just getting my medicine. So if anyone can tell me how to get to the four train, I would really appreciate it.

Liz Lemon:
The Hornberger System shall prevail.

Jenna Maroney:
That's what you think, but the Hornberger System shall devail! Is that the opposite of prevail?

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon, we're not just hiring an actor, we're hiring a coworker, a human being, and I say we hire the one who lives by the code of the robot: Care, Love, Live.

Oprah Winfrey:
I want to help you. What can I do?

Liz Lemon:
Can you please say "Please welcome Liz Lemoooooooon!"

Oprah Winfrey:
No.

Liz Lemon:
[dressed up as Princess Leia] I don't think its fair for me to be a juror, because I can read people's thougts.

Judge:
Dismissed!

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon, does Kenneth look up to you?

Liz Lemon:
Of course he does. Kenneth looks up to everybody. He even calls Tracy's lizard Sir.

Kenneth Parcell:
Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?

Jack Donaghy:
You're darn right he is.

Tracy Jordan:
Do you know who I am? Seriously, please tell me who I am!

Liz Lemon:
[drowsy from pills] I'ma call you back. I's sitting next to Borpo!

Liz Lemon:
[on her cellphone, under the influence of tranquilizers on an airplane, with Oprah Winfrey as a seatmate] I'ma call you back. I'm snitting nexxa Borpo.

Liz Lemon:
Coma Naprosil? May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime.

Jack Donaghy:
It's very good.

Tracy Jordan:
How come your teeth don't glow in the black light, Kenneth?

Kenneth Parcell:
I don't know. You'll have to ask the man who whittled them for me.

Pete Hornberger:
What do you think will happen when she realizes she's playing the mother?

Liz Lemon:
We can worry about that later. Maybe we'll be dead by then.

Pete Hornberger:
Yeah. Wouldn't that be great?

Jenna Maroney:
Mother? I'm not a mother! Would a mother be planning a summer sex tour of Vietnam?

Liz Lemon:
You're not young anymore. You can't keep playing prom queens and runaway victims anymore.

Jenna Maroney:
But those were my majors at the Tampa School of Acting Tricks.

Liz Lemon:
Everyone, I'd like you all to met Tom. Tom Selleck. He's my mustache.

Pete Hornberger:
[in a high-pitched voice to his kid over the phone] Elmo wants you to aim your pee-pee at the potty! No, not at Mommy, at the potty! How is that Elmo's fault? Did Mommy have some wine before she called Elmo?

Jenna Maroney:
We gotta boogie, gang!

Jack Donaghy:
[regarding the physical deformities of Prince Gerhardt] Most people in his situation would be angry with his family for the centuries of inbreeding, but not Gerhardt. He's too busy trying to stave off infection.

Kenneth Parcell:
[Kenneth finds Pete dancing with a very attractive woman at an impromptu party Tracy has thrown in the office] What are you doing? You are a married man!

Pete Hornberger:
Hey, I'm not doing anything wrong. Just... I'm just dancing, Kenneth.

Kenneth Parcell:
Do you remember the movie "Footloose," where those evil kids won in the end? You're going to make a mistake tonight.

Tracy Jordan:
[sleazy] You're going to make a mistake tonight!

Kenneth Parcell:
Remember the vows you and your wife took in that church.

Pete Hornberger:
Botanical garden.

Kenneth Parcell:
Botanical garden. You promised fidelity -

Tracy Jordan:
Lick her face!

Kenneth Parcell:
Think of God!

Pete Hornberger:
Look, both of you calm down. I'm just trying to have some fun for the first time in, like, ten years.

Bianca Donaghy:
[Jack is passing Liz off has his girlfriend to his ex-wife] She's much sharper than the last girl you had. What was her name?

Jack Donaghy:
Beyonc?.

Josh Girard:
[the crew is playing a game of 'The Dozens'] Your momma is so stupid she thought an iMac was a new hamburger at McDonald's.

Liz Lemon:
What's the difference between your momma and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.

Jack:
How was your evening with Thomas?

Liz Lemon:
You mean Gretchen Thomas, the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian? What made you think I was gay?

Jack:
Your shoes.

Liz Lemon:
Well I'm straight.

Jack:
Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Liz Lemon:
Regardless, I am straight. One-hundred precent completely straight.

Jack:
Well I'm sorry if I offended you.

Jack:
[implying that mood affects the performance of his employees and that Liz always seems to be unhappy] Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you've not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?

Liz Lemon:
No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.

Jack:
I would think that the single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.

Liz Lemon:
[feeling jittery before the blind date set up for her by Jack] Hey, Frank! What do guys like?

Frank:
Porn.

Liz Lemon:
No, I mean if you are gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act?

Frank:
Like she is in porn.

Jack:
[running into Liz in the hallway on the day of the blind date he set up for her] What are gonna wear?

Liz Lemon:
This probably [indicating she will wear her office clothes] . I don't have time to go home

Jack:
That won't do. [fishes a wad of cash from his pocket and proceeds to give Lemon some money] I want you to go out in your lunch hour and find something. [pauses before emphasizing] in a *women's* clothing store.

Liz Lemon:
What do you say, we make a pact? If, say, in twenty-five years, neither of us has found somebody. We'll move in together and become roomates. And even though I am... not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you... do stuff to me.

Gretchen Thomas:
I can't be around anymore. Bye Liz.

Liz Lemon:
That's funny. That's what the guys always say.

Jack Donaghy:
All right then. You're not a lesbian. Duly noted. I'll correct that on your file. It's too bad, though. Thomas thought you were great.

Liz Lemon:
She did?

Jack Donaghy:
Yes. She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.

Liz Lemon:
Really? She said that?

Jack Donaghy:
Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Liz Lemon:
Who's gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend?

Guy at Bar:
Well if by 'cooking class' you mean 'your bed' and by 'next weekend' you mean 'tonight'...

Liz Lemon:
Oh, shut up. [he does] I can see your wedding ring. Idiot.

Pete Hornberger:
[to Liz] Hey, look at you! You look like fancy prostitute!

Jack:
You are a puzzle Kenneth Allen. And I'm going to solve you.

Liz Lemon:
Kenneth, why did you play that terrible hand?

Kenneth Parcell:
Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.

Jack:
The Italians have a saying, Lemon: 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this case they're right. [about Kenneth] In five years we'll all either be working for him... or be dead by his hand.

Steven Austin:
You probably know me from the future, where I am the President of the United States, Steve Austin.

Liz Lemon:
You don't know what you're talking about: [turns around to show label on back of her jeans] Hand-made in USA.

Jack Donaghy:
You're magic jeans are from BDL? Oh Lemon, it's not hand-made in USA, it's pronounced Hand-made in Usa. The Hand people are Vietnamese slave tribe and Usa is their island prison. They made your jeans. You know how they get the stitching so small? [puts hands to mouth and whispers] orphans.

Jenna Maroney:
Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.

Jenna Maroney:
Liz, last night was a disaster. And not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit.

Kenneth Parcell:
I ate my father pig!

Liz Lemon:
Who hasn't made mistakes? I once French kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.

Colleen Donaghy:
Exhibit A: You're cell phone bill. You made a call to 911 at 8:16 AM. Exhibit B: The watch that my son gave me for Christmas. Not the one I wanted by the way. You had just set it before it broke of course when you car rammed into me down in Florida. And it stopped at 8:08. Exhibit C: 16-8=8! Numbers, unlike children, don't lie. What kind of son...

Jack:
What kind of mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church? Or tells her son when he was voted captain of the diving team, quote "What a great way to meet guys?" Or invites strange men over on Christmas Eve?

Jack:
Have I told you about my mom's yuletide boyfriend, Frederick August Otto Schwarz III.

Liz Lemon:
FAO Swartz? Like the toy store?

Jack:
His family owned some toy stores, yes. So what?

Liz Lemon:
Jack, I think your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you.

Jack:
Not possible. She didn't do anything for us.

Liz Lemon:
I know you guys were pretty poor, did you have a lot of presents?

Jack:
You couldn't even see the tree.

Liz Lemon:
Hey, you don't know the Post Master General, do you?

Jack:
I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls.

Tracy Jordan:
I'm gonna have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, why is Toofer in the punishment corner?

Toofer:
I said: [posh pronunciation] 'time to end the charade and adjust my schedule to buy a new vase'.

Liz Lemon:
[disgusted] Oh, you stay there, you stay there until you die!

Jack Donaghy:
[Lemon is telling a longwinded tale] Don't worry about getting to your point, I'm going to live forever.

Liz Lemon:
You know, usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler, but today, I feel like... Hitler in Germany.

Jack Donaghy:
Look: the display is malfunctioning.

TK-421 Microwave:
Defrost. Power. Time left: pizza.

Jack Donaghy:
Oh really? That's how much time is left? Pizza?

Jack Donaghy:
We need hope. We need change. We need experience. We need pens.

Jenna Maroney:
Kenneth, where have you been? I had to put on my jeans by myself.

Jenna Maroney:
[finding a positive pregnancy test in the trash] Oh no, someone's gonna get more attention then me.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, so you're the only one in the word that's allowed to make sex mistakes? You had a threeway with Roseanne and Tom Arnold.

Jenna Maroney:
That was two years ago.

Jack Donaghy:
Cooter, look at this place. This can't be what you want in life. Haven't you ever thought about leaving?

Cooter Burger:
Of course. Every day. Every day for two years. Look at these resignation letters [opens desk drawer, takes out a bunch of filed letters] They're written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water... But now you're here. You're here and everything's gonna be better. Now we've got pens. Glorious pens!

Jack Donaghy:
[to C.C] I did certain things for you in bed that you were going to reciprocate but then we broke up before my birthday so you owe me.

Cooter Burger:
Yes! I am so on a role. No crying in my bath tonight.

Jack Donaghy:
The ceiling appears to be leaking.

Cooter Burger:
No, it's not. We've looked into it and it's not.

Jack Donaghy:
Do you need a pen?

Cooter Burger:
Nope. I've kind of gotten used to it.

Jack Donaghy:
You don't have pens?

Cooter Burger:
We're not in a recession.

Cooter Burger:
Hey, we have a meeting with the appropriations committee, like, now.

Jack Donaghy:
Oh no. I'm not prepared.

Cooter Burger:
I know. I'm not drunk either, but we'll manage.

Dennis Duffy:
Prenatal vitamins. Yeah, I know what 'prenatal' means. 'Pre-', before; '-natal', ruined.

Jenna Maroney:
Oh no, someone's going to get more attention than me!

[Jack is in a museum facing a painting, waiting for Liz Lemon to meet him there. Liz appears behind him without announcing her arrival]

Jack:
You've been avoiding me, Lemon.

Liz Lemon:
How do you do that, without turning around?

Jack:
To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Floyd:
Well, that movie was a waste of time.

Liz Lemon:
I found it moving... my bowels.

Frank Rossitano:
I don't like it when Liz is happy. It makes me uncomfortable, like when my mother drank margaritas and played Tanya Tucker songs.

Jack:
I haven't met your boyfriend.

Liz Lemon:
His name's Floyd.

Jack:
That's unfortunate.

Liz Lemon:
[explaining why Jack wants to meet with her at Christie's auction house] He goes to Sbarro when he's stressed, the New York Stock Exchange when he's horny, and Christie's when he's depressed.

Grizz:
[about Tracy's crazy behavior] It's like a roller coaster ride of emotion in here.

Tracy Jordan:
[Liz walks into her office, and sees Tracy feeding a horse] Hey Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I gotta get rid of Freddie's erection.

Frank Rossitano:
Yo Tray, we got a problem.

President Thomas Jefferson:
[refusing to break character] Pray, who be this Tracy Jordon thou speakest off?

Frank Rossitano:
Eh, President Jefferson, we got a problem.

President Thomas Jefferson:
Speakest.

Frank Rossitano:
That horse ate your wig.

President Thomas Jefferson:
Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings.

Jack:
Well, it's really quite simple: men seek out the company of other men they admire and want to be like. Floyd is me 20 years ago, I'm Don Geiss 30 years ago. 20 years from now, Floyd'll be me, I'm gonna be Don Geis and Don Geiss will be dead.

Don Geiss:
I took the kids out to St. Barts. Got stung by a jellyfish. I've got a welt on my rear the size a red delicious apple.

Liz Lemon:
You can't be gay for one person. Unless you're a lady. And you meet Ellen.

Jack Donaghy:
A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory.

Liz Lemon:
Well, maybe you can pull that off, you're a man. It's different for women.

Jack Donaghy:
That is so sexist of you. To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman. Technically you're a catch. You got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

Kenneth Parcell:
[on phone] Sir, conditions have deteriorated. I made De Marquee captain like you said, but having a kid from Trinidad in charge made the Latino's real mad. And they all seemed to really hate my grandpa, 'cause they keep yelling 'kill whitey' and I'm like 'what do you think you are, alcohol?

Jack Donaghy:
[on cellphone] Right, Kenneth, calm down. There was bound to be some unrest once we removed Tracy. They're testing our resolve. Stay the course.

Gay Man #2:
[calling after Frank] Bye, sexy bear!

Gay Man #1:
Terrence, you make us all look so bad.

Jack Donaghy:
Stop fighting this. He's hot, poor, and eager to please. Just buy him a few gifts, never give him your home phone number, and if you set a curfew, stick to it.

Tracy Jordan:
Have you ever been to knuckle beach? It's a totally different world; a world where orange soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk.

Tracy Jordan:
Jenna, I just want you to know that if we find any human remains in there, I'm gonna throw up all over your face.

Jack Donaghy:
Being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body.

Liz Lemon:
I'm not making this decision based on who's funnier or whom I like best, so Toofer, you're in charge.

Toofer:
Thank you. In the words of Tennyson...

Liz Lemon:
Sorry, you're not in charge.

Liz Lemon:
Frank, you're in charge.

Frank Rossitano:
Finally, someone cool is in charge. My first order is to disable the firewall. Gentlemen, we can surf for porn again!

Tracy Jordan:
I like to thank my creative team for coming in such short notice. Also, sorry I'm four hours late.

Jenna Maroney:
You've created two Lizzes, writer Liz and performer Liz. Performers need to be coddled, to be protected from the real world.

Jack Donaghy:
I get it. I must treat her like the New York Times treats its readers.

Pete Hornberger:
Boy, if this thing works it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.

Yakov:
I get it. Elegance. That's why people come to Yakov's Nubian Bling Explosion.

Jenna Maroney:
[Speaking to a group of friends] I got a residual check for that Japanese commercial I did! Three hundred dollars! I'm going to use the money to buy us all new boots for myself.

Jack Donaghy:
We're not the best people...

Liz Lemon:
...but we're not the worst.

Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy:
Graduate students are the worst!

Tracy Jordan:
Let's go shopping. To the Batmobile!

Grizz:
[to Liz] Don't worry, he's just leasing it.

Jack Donaghy:
What I'm saying is: don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have. So now, Manny?

Manny:
Tomorrow I show up for work, dressed as a Mexican Wrestler.

Jack Donaghy:
This is G.E.!

Devon Banks:
It's just G now, Jack, I sold the E. To Samsung. They're Samesung now.

Liz Lemon:
Please, just be normalsauce for one day.

Liz Lemon:
I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them Erotica.

Jack Donaghy:
That man can wear a sweater.

Jack Donaghy:
Truth be told, I have not learnt a lot about Kabletown. It's a whole different business model.

Kenneth Parcell:
My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. She holds up staplers for catalogues.

Jack Donaghy:
These are exciting times for NBC. Not Seinfeld, Friends, ER exciting. More like 3-D episodes of Merlin exciting. But Kabletown is a fine company, even if it is from... Philadelphia.

Liz Lemon:
Go, Eagles!

[Throws snowball at Jack]

Jack Donaghy:
Where did you get a snowball?

Liz Lemon:
Philly rules! Cheesesteaks, Bobby Clarke, Wil Smith! Boston sucks!

Jack Donaghy:
Boston is the greatest city in the world. Boston tea party, Boston cream pie, Boston Rob Mariano, birthplace of Benjamin Franklin...

Liz Lemon:
Yeah, and then he looked around, realized it sucked and moved to Philadelphia!

Jenna Maroney:
So, how was your date with Wesley?

Liz Lemon:
Remember that scene in Notting Hill with the party in the garden? I'd rather see that terrible movie five times than go on another date with Wesley.

Jack Donaghy:
We can still save this. What did she reveal?

Tracy Jordan:
Everything! My addiction to prescription lenses, my attention deficit disorder... Jack, your shoes are really shiny.

Wesley:
This is about love. It's like that brilliant movie, Notting Hill. I'm the handsome British man, she's... got certain angles that work for her.

Liz Lemon:
Wait, your name is Wesley Snipes? That's insane!

Wesley:
This is insane? You know what's insane? That the actor is named Wesley Snipes! If you were shown a picture of him and a picture of me, and were asked "who should be named Wesley Snipes", you'd pick the pale Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!

Jenna Maroney:
I know what you're going through. I caught a lot of flack when I ate the pig that played Babe.

Dot Com:
Yet another black superstar taken down by his personal life.

Jenna Maroney:
Just like my favorite golf player, O.J. Simpson.

Liz Lemon:
I'm sorry. You have a problem with the science of Hot Tub Time Machine?

Wesley Snipes:
Yeah, not the time travel. It's the hot tub. You don't just turn one on and it's immediately hot. I should know, I've been in a hot tub two times.

Liz Lemon:
Well, I don't question everything.

Wesley Snipes:
Except the snacks I got for us.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah, seltzer and Mike and Ikes?

Wesley Snipes:
Well, what did you want? Popcorn?

Liz Lemon:
Yes!

Wesley Snipes:
Popcorn? At the cinema? And by the way, your food obsession is not as endearing as you think it is.

Liz Lemon:
Huh.

Wesley Snipes:
It's like being in a Cathy cartoon that just won't end.

Liz Lemon:
Oh my god, I want to smash your face.

Lorne:
You know, you remind me of my parents.

Jack Donaghy:
I find that hard to believe.

Lorne:
They were both really intense. They wanted me to grow up to be Prime Minister, so as a kid, I had to win the spelling bee. They made me memorize all 700 words in the Canadian dictionary, then I had to go to law school.

Jack Donaghy:
You went to law school?

Lorne:
For one day. I was just so tightly wound that I got kicked out for karate chopping my roommate. I know, I'm a stereotype. All guys from Quebec are good at karate. [pause] Oh my God, where are my manners? Do you wanna try meth?

Tracy Jordan:
Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools.

Man on plane:
Maybe this is one of those times when on the count of three, the both of you say you were wrong.

Liz Lemon, Carol:
1, 2, 3, never!

Jack Donaghy:
It's gonna be a who's who of New York royalty. The Astors, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros...

Avery Jessup:
I know, and it kills me. You think I don't want to know what Pizzarella Sbarro will be wearing?

Liz Lemon:
Three weddings in one day. I'm going to be in Spanx for twelve hours. My elastic line is going to get infected again.

Jenna Maroney:
You should go to my doctor. He's gay, but not when he's drunk.

Liz Lemon:
I've been setting my standards too high.

Frank Rossitano:
Yes, you have. Meet me in the handicap stall in five minutes.

Tracy Jordan:
It's all coming back to me! Oh, my God! I slept on a dog bed stuffed with wigs! I saw a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A ribcage! Why did you bring me here? I locked out those memories for a reason! Oh, Lord! A guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!

Dr. Drew Baird:
Would you like a drink?

Liz Lemon:
What goes best with second chances? Ugh, water. I'll have water.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, my God. I hate you!

Wesley:
Yes, that's the only thing wrong with me, isn't it? And with that as my only fault, how do I rank with all the other men in your life!

Tracy Jordan:
Why are we here? I thought we were going somewhere boring. This is an awesome copy shop.

Wesley:
I can't go back to England. I can't bear the thought of us hosting the 2012 Olympics. We're not ready, Liz. Have you seen the Beijing opening ceremonies? We don't have that kind of control over our people.

Tracy Jordan:
Well I'm sorry Sean, and child actor whose name I can't remember. You haven't walked in my shoes! All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen: I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A guy in dreads electrocuted my fish! a crackhead breast-feeding a rat! A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on a third rail of the G train! The G train, Nermal!

Jack Donaghy:
I can promise you this weekend will be filled with staring out windows while holding a glass of scotch.

Avery Jessup:
That means a lot to me.

Liz Lemon:
Look at those floors. I would walk all around inside of that.

Jenna Maroney:
[Jenna walks in, Lemon quickly closes her laptop] Hey, what's up?

Jenna Maroney:
Are you looking at porn? I know a good site that's dirty without sacrificing story. It's by women, for women.

Liz Lemon:
No, I'm looking at real estate.

Kenneth Parcell:
I don't drink coffee, sir, I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature.

Tracy Jordan:
Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

Jack Donaghy:
[to C.C] You're my new night job and I'm gonna love you like my boss is watching.

Jack Donaghy:
Wanna get drunk?

Liz Lemon:
No, there's too many phones in here.

Deutsche Stimme:
Love: a urine mirage in a desert of fear.

Deutsche Stimme:
[On television] The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.

Jack Donaghy:
I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!

Devon Banks:
Celebrity snuff. Reality content made exclusively for your mobile phone: Oh what's that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Thanks, PHONE.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
I have the results of your DNA Test, now, I am very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality, so I am gunna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.

Tracy Jordan:
Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

Maury Povich:
[after discovering that he is a descendant of Thomas Jefferson, Tracy is dreaming that he's on "The Maury Povich Show"] All right, Tracy. I have the DNA results right here. Are you ready to find out who your biological father is?

Tracy Jordan:
I think I am.

Maury Povich:
Tracy, meet your father, Tom!

Tracy Jordan:
No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!

Sally Hemings:
Hey, Maury. He's a dog! He's a dog!

Maury Povich:
Sally Hemmings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson:
No matter, Maurice. I am here for you, Tracy Jordan. I rode a horse all the way from heaven to tell you something important. America, which I invented... [the audience boos, and Jefferson makes a pixelated rude gesture to the audience]... which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the force be with you always.

Liz Lemon:
You're worried about that guy?

Jack Donaghy:
Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to L.A.

Liz Lemon:
Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a [imitating Jack's gravelly voice] "talking like this contest."

Jack Donaghy:
Banks is no slouch: He pioneered the concept of ten-second internet sitcoms.

Jack Donaghy:
I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.

Liz Lemon:
Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.

Jack Donaghy:
Well, they got big laughs.

[Tracy is trying to avoid a subpoena regarding a paternity test]

Toofer:
How do you know it's not your child?

Tracy Jordan:
'Cause I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.

Jack Donaghy:
Good God; Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.

Liz Lemon:
[facetiously] Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.

[cut to Kenneth sitting in front of Jack's desk]

Kenneth Parcell:
So, Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

[Jack wants a na?ve Kenneth to gather intelligence about Devon Banks]

Jack Donaghy:
You should get to know Devon; tell him all of your television ideas. You know, he started off as a page, just like you.

Kenneth Parcell:
Really? So did I!

Tracy Jordan:
Dr. Spacemen, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. [Chuckles] Hmm, different time in the '60s.

[it is the night of Jack's big NBC fireworks show. Liz, Pete, and Floyd watch on TV]

Al Roker:
[on TV] Welcome to the "Rockefellar Center Salute to Fireworks." Now, without further ado, three hours of fireworks!

[numerous fireworks surround the building, growing in intensity]

Floyd:
Wait, fireworks... in midtown?

Liz Lemon:
On a day that's *not* the 4th of July.

[the fireworks continue to gain intensity and a high shot on TV shows what looks like explosions surrounding the building]

Pete Hornberger:
[spits out his popcorn] Oh, my God!

Liz Lemon:
[dryly] Oh, boy. That's gonna scare a lot of people.

Floyd:
I feel more confused and betrayed than those people that worked with Tootsie.

Liz Lemon:
I'm really sorry about what I did. And I know you can't forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today.

Maury Povich:
All right, Tracy, l have the DNA results right here. Are you ready to find out who your biological father is?

Tracy Jordan:
I think I am.

Maury Povich:
Tracy... meet your father, Tom!

Tracy Jordan:
[Jack enters dressed as Thomas Jefferson] No! l hate you, Thomas Jefferson! l don't know who l am anymore! You can't be my father!

Sally Hemings:
Maury, he a dog! He a dog and a liar!

Maury Povich:
Sally Hemings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson

Jack:
[as Thomas Jefferson] No matter, Maurice. l'm here for you, Tracy Jordan. l rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell you something important. America, which l invented...

Crowd:
Booooooo!

Jack:
[as Thomas Jefferson] - Which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the Force be with you always.

Liz Lemon:
TO THAT STORE, THAT SELLS SPF SHIRTS!

Jack Donaghy:
AND YES, I KNOW THOSE AREN'T FLOWERS! They are my mother's vagina...

Jack Donaghy:
Why can't we just cut this state adrift and let it crash into Cuba?

Tracy Jordan:
What kind of Dinosaur was your grandfather?

Jenna Maroney:
She's lying like a rug! Rug is an offensive term for Persians I made up.

Kenneth Parcell:
Ms. Lemon, a mister DeBarber called.

Liz Lemon:
Seriously?

Kenneth Parcell:
[serious voice] A mister DeBarber called.

Danny Baker:
We should call ourselves something.

Jack Donaghy:
What's the most handsome animal?

Danny Baker, Jack Donaghy:
The Silver Panthers!

Jack Donaghy:
Darn liberal media. That's why I always get my news from Dick Cheney's website, Dicknews.com

Jenna Maroney:
I just had another Kenneth dream!

Tracy Jordan:
Me too! But how do I know this isn't another dream? Wait a minute. All my teeth are loose. This is real.

Floyd:
How are you still single, Liz? There are so many men out there that want to be poisoned and yelled at.

Floyd:
I would never do that to you, Liz; get you drunk on salmon, or any fish!

Dr. Spaceman:
When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman's mouth?

Dr. Spaceman:
If you want a shot, you're gonna have to dance for it.

Dr. Spaceman:
[Liz dances] Very nice.

Jenna Maroney:
They need medicine. And what's the best medicine?

Tracy Jordan:
Medicine?

Jack Donaghy:
Come on, Lemmon. What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus.

Jenna Maroney:
Where is everyone? I need someone to be outraged to!

Tracy Jordan:
I wonder if they give awards for tarantula displacement?

Liz Lemon:
Still haven't found your wallet, Kenneth?

Kenneth Parcell:
Yeah, and I realize I had a prescription in there that I really need. It keeps me from... [Starts convulsing and braying] Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell.

Jack Donaghy:
I'm the protege of a dead man working at a company that no longer exists. You hear that? It's the sound of me being erased from contact lists all over the world.

Liz Lemon:
You know what I hear? It's the hug plane, and it's coming in for a landing.

Jack Donaghy:
[weeping] You are cleared for landing. [they hug]

Jenna Maroney:
Acting is about consistency and control.

Tracy Jordan:
Got it. No farting.

Gavin Volure:
And, of course, I always keep an empty chair to represent all our unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I'm just kidding. Elliot Spritz's hooker couldn't make it.

Pete Hornberger:
Attention, everyone. I have just been handed a memo that each floor has to have a fire marshall, in case of fires, terrorist attacks, Cloverfield monsters... but I can't because my head is too big for my helmet. So, who wants to volunteer?

Frank Rossitano:
Not me. But you have a big head.

Liz Lemon:
I guess this is what the kids call a "booty call".

Gavin Volure:
I haven't been outside since 1984, and even I know the kids don't call it that anymore.

Jack Donaghy:
I can't believe you're out of the game. It's like Picasso not painting, or Bruce Willis not combining action and rock harmonica.

Jack Donaghy:
You go to that house and work it like a Chinese gymnast: wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age.

Jack Donaghy:
Kenneth, just how much money do you have in your savings?

Kenneth Parcell:
Well, let's see!

[Kenneth reaches down and picks up a can filled with cash]

Kenneth Parcell:
Eighty thousand dollars!

Jack Donaghy:
If you don't include Confederate money.

Kenneth Parcell:
Four thousand dollars!

Liz Lemon:
I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don't have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.

Gavin Volure:
You'll be so rich you can run for office without pretending to be a fundamentalist.

Jack Donaghy:
Oh Lemon, this is Elisa.

Liz Lemon:
What? Come on, you're a nurse? [shakes hands]

Elisa:
Yes, some of us are hot.

Hector Moreda:
We laugh alike.

Jack Donaghy:
We think alike.

Hector Moreda:
At times we even drink alike.

Hector Moreda, Jack Donaghy:
You could lose your mind.

[they clink glasses]

Jack Donaghy:
Look, you should know I'm doing this for a woman. [shows him a picture on his cellphone] This woman.

Hector Moreda:
[takes cellphone] Wow... I am super gay and I would totally switch for her.

Elisa:
Be very careful. El Generalissimo was once a good man. But the years of loneliness drove him insane.

Liz Lemon:
I am not the Generalissimo, Elisa.

Jack Donaghy:
Drive, Intelligence, Humility, Chaos. Or the acronym DIHC I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm gonna take it wherever I can find it.

Avery Jessup:
Oh-oh. Crazy hormonal mood swing. [Screaming] Why does everything smell like onions?

Kenneth Parcell:
Can I have a copy to show Mr. Jordan? It would be like watching his own funeral, just like Tom Sawyer. That's a boy from my town. We accidentally buried him alive.

Jack Donaghy:
Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to survive. Haven't you ever read my throw pillow?

Tracy Jordan:
I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.

Jack Donaghy:
Shoulders back, Lemon. You're not welcoming people to Castle Frankenstein.

Tracy Jordan:
I don't need a birthday, 'couse I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.

Becca:
Excuse me.

Jack Donaghy:
Oh God, please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.

Jack Donaghy:
Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.

Frank Rossitano:
My client has no memory of that.

Jack Donaghy:
I also would have accepted 'You can't prove that's the Governor's semen'.

Sylvia Rossitano:
Frankie's father didn't abandon him, he's in hiding in Phoenix. Every Rossitano man is either in hiding or six feet under. You want me to paint you a picture? 'Cause I did! [gestures towards a picture on the wall of a lawyer lying in his own blood in a court of law] It's part of a therapy through painting thing...

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon, there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape or sasquach and despite it's dangerous message of environmentalism became it's friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on it's shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strenght and by God, he did it. Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do... for the woodland ape. You think about that.

Liz Lemon:
This Earth is ruined. We gotta get a new one.

Jenna Maroney:
[to Cerie, who's sitting at her desk barefoot] Are bare feet "in" or do you just have your shoes off?

Liz Lemon:
I am so sorry, Mr. Vice President. This all started when Jack...

Al Gore:
Quiet! [holds his hand up and listens to nothing] A whale is in trouble! I have to go. [starts taking off his suit jacket as though he has a superhero outfit on underneath]

Liz Lemon:
Oh hey, I, eh, I found your lipstick [hands it over]

Jenna Maroney:
Oh. [looks at it] Oh, no, this isn't mine. This is Sunset Blush. I wear Tiger Orgasm.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah, well Greenzo seems to love himself, too.

Jack Donaghy:
So does Don Geiss. He sent me a personal card congratulating me... [rubs the signature with a wet finger, it smudges]... with a real signature.

Liz Lemon:
Wow. If you lick the envelope you could clone him and then you'd have two Geisses.

Jack Donaghy:
Yeah, right, Lemon. I'm gonna clone Geiss, then compete with the Geiss clone for the CEO position? Think it through.

Greenzo:
Can you fire the wind, Jack? Can you fire a hurricane? [leaves with his green cap flapping in the wind]

Jack Donaghy:
[shouts after him] We're developing that technology!

Liz Lemon:
People are going to show up expecting all this great stuff and they're going to be disappointed and angry.

Tracy Jordan:
Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

Jack Donaghy:
Look how Greenzo's testing. They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies... gosh, we've gotta update these forms.

Liz Lemon:
Oh boy, OK this earth is ruined! We got to get a new one.

Al Gore:
Quiet! A whale is in trouble. I have to go!

Kenneth Parcell:
Ms Lemon, Mr. Donaghy. I am but a poor pig-farmer's son, but I would be honored if you'd come to a party at my home.

Liz Lemon:
Fine, I'll come.

Kenneth Parcell:
Super! Mr D?

Jack Donaghy:
Uh, no. I could make up some excuse, Kenneth, but I have too much respect for you.

Pete:
[watching Jenna film a patriotic song and dance number that Liz arranged] You know, you actually did a good job on this.

Liz Lemon:
Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America.

[turns to smile and wink directly into the camera]

Josh Girard:
I'm Jack Donaghy. I'm important, I just bought the moon.

Tracy Jordan:
I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

Kenneth:
[whimsically] Pregnant cornbread...

Tracy Jordan:
I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

[others laugh]

Kenneth:
Why are you laughing so hard? It's just the same joke he said earlier.

Tracy Jordan:
That can't be right. I like to keep my material fresh. I like it so fresh I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Frank Rossitano:
These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where's Jack?e?

Alan:
Let's skip the foreplay and get right to the penetration.

Jack Donaghy:
What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?

Tracy Jordan:
[thinking his dressing room TV is voice-activated] Television on! Pornography!

Jack Donaghy:
[Liz has forced Josh to do 'the Worm'] Good Lord, 'the Worm'. That's so degrading. Are its origins German?

Liz Lemon:
Now say 5 reasons I'm better than you.

Josh Girard:
You're smarter than me.

Liz Lemon:
One.

Josh Girard:
You beat me at arm wrestling.

Liz Lemon:
Two.

Josh Girard:
Uhh, you read the paper.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah, suck it. I do read the paper.

Tracy Jordan:
I love you so much I'm going to take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.

Colleen:
[Jack's mother is visiting him in the hospital] Tell him his mother's here. An' she loves him. But not in a queer way.

Liz Lemon:
[gasping at Dr. Spaceman covered in blood] Ah!

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
What? This? No, no. I was at a costume party earlier this evening, and the hostess's dog attacked me so... I had to stab it.

Phoebe:
No, no there has to be some sort of mistake. I'm his fianc?e!

Hannah:
I'm sorry. You're not family and you're not his emergency contact. His mother can go in if she wants to.

Colleen:
Oh, no! I'm not going in there. I go in there, I get bird flu, I don't come out.

Jack Donaghy:
My mouth tastes like purple.

Liz Lemon:
[to Kenneth] I will cut you open like a Tauntaun.

Liz Lemon:
All right, I'll go. But I want a lobster!

Jack Donaghy:
Okay.

Liz Lemon:
I want two lobsters! Totaling five pounds of lobster meat!

Jack Donaghy:
Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say, "Sock it to me."

Colleen Donaghy:
Tell him his mother's here. And she loves him. But not in a queer way.

Jenna Maroney:
Goodbye forever, you soup line at a gay homeless shelter.

Jenna Maroney:
Goodbye forever, you factory reject d*ldos.

Kenneth Parcell:
Hey everybody! I got fired today. You won't have Kenneth Allen Parcell to kick around anymore. So I'm going to tell you people what I really think of you. No. No. For four years I have listened to you all complain about your East Coast media elite problems, your apartment renovations, and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia.

Carol:
That doorman is hammered.

Kenneth Parcell:
I have watched you throw away better food than my family eats at Christmas. And I have loved it. You people, you are my best friends and I hope you get everything you want in life.

[drops microphone]

Jack Donaghy:
Kenneth!

Kenneth Parcell:
So kiss my face.

Carol:
That was actually really sweet.

Kenneth Parcell:
I'll see you all in heaven. Have a wonderful summer.

Liz Lemon:
You wore a penis hat to Princess Diana's funeral!

Tracy Jordan:
Because I wore it to her wedding! It meant something to the three of us!

Jenna Maroney:
Listen up, fives. A ten is speaking.

Frank Rossitano:
Oh, so you're doing a torture-porn thing - like Saw.

Jenna Maroney:
Exactly! In fact, the producers of this movie rented Saw and watched it.

Jenna Maroney:
Jack, can we talk? One ten to another.

Jack Donaghy:
I'm an eleven, but continue.

Jenna Maroney:
Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking.

Liz Lemon:
I didn't want him to make fun of you because you went to Wesleyan.

Criss:
Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Liz Lemon:
No, Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Jack Donaghy:
You can watch me shower, but no touching.

Devon Banks:
No touching just makes it hotter.

Denise Richards:
These microphones look like black ice cream cones.

Denise Richards:
Idiots can do anything we put our minds to. I played a nucular scientist in a James Bonk movie.

Liz Lemon:
What can I do to make this go away?

Tracy Jordan:
Call my cell phone so I can hear the chicken dance again!

Denise Richards:
And I want the video for my new single to play on TGS this week.

Tracy Jordan:
But we want you to represent the community! Idiots aren't just strippers or stay at home moms, idiots are all around us! So it would mean a lot if you apologize publicly, since you already wrote mine, we went ahead and wrote yours. [presents Liz with an Etch-A-Sketch]

Jack Donaghy:
So then he says "They have teeth down there!"

Liz Lemon:
Whazzup? Yeah baby! I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group of people that made America the continent that it is today. These kick ass people have given the world countless bodacious things like the Birther movement, intelligent design, water parks... No, I will not endorse water parks. They're cess pools of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given the world? Girls Gone Wild. The Golden Globes. Cans that tell you how cold your beer is. Florida. Brass dolls.

Tracy Jordan:
Oh I get it, she's naming some things.

Liz Lemon:
Listen to me, because of you there may be an Entourage movie!

Tracy Jordan:
What's his name again? [crowd chants "Turtle! Turtle!"]

Liz Lemon:
No listen to me! I should give up at this point but I'm not going to! No, you're just gonna keep on riding motorcyles, having unprotected sex, and voting against free health care. You will make the same self destructive decisions over and over and over and over. And you will never be happy. Your job will hurt all the time. No one will make you Deutsche pancakes, or let you break down the jail when you play Monopoly. Oh my god I'm such an idiot! [crowd cheers]

Jack Donaghy:
You know Tracy, you and I have very similar upbringings. Greatness can come from anywhere.

Tracy Jordan:
And stupidity can also come from anywhere. Anyone can be the next Jack Donaghy or the next Denise Richards.

Denise Richards:
[inside an elevator] This room is moving!

Denise Richards:
I played a nucular psychiatrist in a James Bonk movie!

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon, obviously I can't approve of someone I've never met.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah well, I'm not letting you meet Criss because you won't approve of him.

Jack Donaghy:
Well then I guess this is a Catch 22, although I don't know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Frank Rossitano:
Lemon, obviously I can't approve of someone I've never met.

Jack Donaghy:
Yeah well, I'm not letting you meet Criss because you won't approve of him.

Frank Rossitano:
Well then I guess this is a Catch 22, although I don't know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Jack Donaghy:
I would like to ask you why Tracy is outside cursing this network with a megaphone.

Liz Lemon:
It's a good one Jack, Tracy has organized a protest by NBC with his fellow idiots.

Jack Donaghy:
He what? Oh no no no, we need idiots. You need idiots. Who do you think is watching your show?

Liz Lemon:
Funky taste makers?

Jack Donaghy:
Look at this chart - black nerds, Jet Blue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on, pets whose owners have died, and idiots. You need to fix this.

Tracy Jordan:
The so called idiot community will not be silenced

Liz Lemon:
For god sakes' Tracy!

Tracy Jordan:
We are legion! We are America! Frat boys, DJs, loud mouth old b*tches, investment bankers, the tramp stamp, parrot heads, anti vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving!

Jenna Maroney:
I'm this close to becoming the spokes model for the vaginal mesh industry.

Tracy Jordan:
[voice mail message] Hi, this is Tracy's cell phone. Dotcom, hold the steering wheel, I need to leave my outgoing message. Oh my god, what did I just hit, was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dotcom, this did not happen! We take this to our graves! [beep]

Liz Lemon:
Tracy, this is Liz Lemon, please call the office when you get the chance. As you pointed out, my extension spells out the word "Anus". Bye. [hangs up]

Liz Lemon:
[Looking at her book "Dealbreakers" in a bookstore window, to an employee] Hey, I wrote that. I'm Liz Lemon. [Employee opens book in front of Liz; she reads from it] "If your boyfriend is over thirty and wears a nametag to work, that's a dealbreaker." [Liz sees the employee's nametag, it reads Mike] But not you, Mike. [Mike takes cutout of Liz] What are you doing, Mike? [Mike starts beating up cutout] Oh! You know what, I'm going to beat up your cutout! Oh, wait, you don't have one! [Mike tears head off cutout and pastes it on window] Ow! Blammo! Another successful interaction with a man!

Devon Banks:
You know, revenge is a dish best served cold, Jack. Like sashimi, or pizza.

Jack Donaghy:
You prefer cold pizza?

Devon Banks:
The morning after? It's the best.

Jack Donaghy:
Better than hot pizza? That's insane.

Devon Banks:
You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like!

Tracy Jordan:
A book hasn't given me this much trouble since Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Jack Donaghy:
You'd ruin an entire company just to get to me? Think of the employees, the pensions, the kittens we use to test the strength of our microwaves.

Jenna Maroney:
I don't know if you know this, but werewolves only come out at night.

Liz Lemon:
Yes, I learned that from the Thriller video.

Tracy Jordan:
Too soon.

Liz Lemon:
Tracy and Jenna are acting like children.

Pete Hornberger:
And like children, they can't be reasoned with. You just put a little whiskey in their juice bottle and wait for sleep to save you.

Liz Lemon:
That won't work. Jenna is immune to whiskey, and Tracy is afraid of juice.

Jack Donaghy:
The automotive company was ran by white morons who were out of touch with America. We're G.E., dammit. We're making a giant, shoddy microwave.

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon, let me tell you a little story. It was 1994, and I was ice climbing when I fell into a crevasse and hurt my leg. There was only one way out, so fighting every natural instinct I have, I did the thing I hated the most. I climbed down into the darkness. And when I came back to camp, I went to the person who cut my line and said, "Connie Chung, you saved my life."

Tracy Jordan:
Oh yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hall with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef.

Liz Lemon:
Ew, Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? Give me Kirstie Alley or somebody who knows what she's doing!

Jenna Maroney:
I didn't give up when Eric Roberts abandoned me in the desert and I won't now.

Kenneth Parcell:
[to Tracy's recently estranged wife] I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.

Devon Banks:
I'm gonna make your heart *explode*

Jenna Maroney:
Me want food!

Devon Banks:
[knowing Jack can't eat meat on account of his heart condition] Here. Why don't you take some of my steak. I could never eat this much meat.

Jack Donaghy:
[knowing Banks is trying to pass himself off as straight] That's not what I hear. [laughs]

Announcer:
Josh to the stage for "Illeana Douglas Talk Show".

Jack:
What is your contingency plan for a crap storm of this magnitude?

Liz Lemon:
Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?

Jack:
Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Jack:
Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?

Tracy Jordan:
Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!

Liz Lemon:
Oh..."Normal"! How... dare they?

Tracy Jordan:
That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.

Liz Lemon:
What is the problem?

Tracy Jordan:
I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones! [rest of room just stares, nonplused; Tracy indignantly does the robot backward out the door]

Liz Lemon:
Wow. Talkin' to that guy is like lookin' in a mirror, huh?

Jenna Maroney:
How's the sex?

Liz Lemon:
Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.

Liz Lemon:
Maybe the musical guest can do some extra songs this week. Who is it?

Pete Hornberger:
James Blunt!

Liz Lemon:
Ugh.

Dennis Duffy:
Technology is cyclical.

Tracy Jordan:
But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cos I dont believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

Kenneth:
Oh, okay.

Tracy Jordan:
So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week, like it's shark week.

Tracy Jordan:
...but what did I tell you was the secret to havin' a good marriage and keepin' it together, Kenneth?

Kenneth Parcell:
Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay.

Tracy Jordan:
That's my boyeee!

Jack Donaghy:
Beep, beep! Ribby, ribby!

Tracy Jordan:
You and me... it's not gonna to be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people and not while I'm driving.

Kenneth Parcell:
Oh... okay.

Tracy Jordan:
So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Liz Lemon:
Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is to be used only for good like overtipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Tracy Jordan:
I can't read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out... now you know why I'm always running into the ladies bathroom. [walks into hallway]

Tracy Jordan:
I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! NADER!

Liz Lemon:
Okay, here's your pep talk. You're not an actor. You're Jack Donaghy, all right? So quit whining and NUT UP. You're right. If you can't do this, you ARE a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack. So be a man and get it done.

Jack:
If you were any other woman on earth, I would be turned on right now.

Jenna Maroney:
I am gonna get back at them... using my sexuality.

Liz Lemon:
Do you have any left?

Jenna Maroney:
Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah. So now you just have to make yourself 10 years younger and Asian.

Stage Announcer:
Jenna Maroney and Ghostface Killah to the stage for "Muffin Top".

Liz Lemon:
I'm sorry, you're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?

Jack:
Look, I-I know how this sounds.

Liz Lemon:
No, come on, Jack, we're not doing that. We're not compromising the integrity of the show to sell...

Pete Hornberger:
Wow, this is Diet Snapple?

Liz Lemon:
I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it?

Pete Hornberger:
You should try Plum-a-Granate. It's amazing.

Cerie:
I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Pete:
[about Tracy] So, first you thought he was illiterate, and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you *are* racist!

Liz Lemon:
No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Tracy Jordan:
Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like on that HBO show, John Adams.

Jenna Maroney:
Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.

Jack Donaghy:
You can't give up now. Did Jackie Jormp-Jomp give up when those vampires attacked Woodstox?

Jack Donaghy:
Wait, you're dating one of the dancers?

Kenneth Parcell:
Oh, no sir, I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long term plan to marry her and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions.

Jack Donaghy:
I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting.

Kenneth Parcell:
Thank you, sir. Also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.

Jenna Maroney:
I'm prepared to slip a nipple if you think it will help.

Jack Donaghy:
I'm going to Tupac you.

Jenna Maroney:
OK, but I have to pee first.

Liz Lemon:
Excuse me, Mr. Weinerslav...

Jeffrey Weinerslav:
It's pronounced Wiener-slave.

Tracy Jordan:
Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.

Jenna Maroney:
The Kid's Choice Awards? Fine, I'll set aside my feud with Raven-Symon? for one day, but she knows what she did.

Tracy Jordan:
This is bad, because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon: always a lizard!

Cerie:
Hey Liz, can I talk to you and Jenna in the office where everyone clips their toenails?

Liz Lemon:
Not cool, guys.

Cerie:
As you guys know, I'm getting married on May 22nd.

Jenna Maroney:
You are? Still?

Cerie:
Well, it was off for a while because my fianc? was on a yacht and got captured by pirates. But now, thanks to the A-team, he's back.

Tracy Jordan:
Well, I yelled out Baba-Booey at Walter Kronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not...

Liz Lemon:
There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party, 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.

Milton Green:
A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show.

Tracy Jordan:
I grew up with that guy, he was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him Mean Steve. But his real name was Stephen Killer.

Jack Donaghy:
Ok, lets cut to the chase. MJ, you owe me. Who got you out of a 20 year exclusive performance contract at Seaworld? [Mary J. Blige rolls her eyes in defeat] Aiken, your cousin Kenneth Parcell already promised me you'd do this. [Clay Aiken rolls his eyes in disgust] And Elvis, or should I say Decland McManus, international art thief?

Elvis Costello:
Ok Jack Donaghy, you tumbled me. We'll do it.

Liz Lemon:
We sure had quite a year. [slaps Jack on the back]

Jack Donaghy:
What are you talking about? It's May.

Jenna Maroney:
Everyone shout out words that describe my beauty.

Pete Hornberger:
Fading.

Cerie:
'80s.

Richard F. Esposito:
1880s.

Kenneth Parcell:
Science is my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testement.

James Franco:
My performance will be too provocative for America.

Jenna Maroney:
I love jamba juice!

Tracy Jordan:
Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians!

Liz Lemon:
Well now you just have to hope that it's a girl.

Tracy Jordan:
I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled, "Susan B. Anthony," at the moment of conception.

Liz Lemon:
You want the truth, Kenneth, you want the truth?

Kenneth Parcell:
I can't handle the truth!

Liz Lemon:
There is an adult picture of me on that phone.

Kenneth Parcell:
Adult? You mean like you're driving a car or wearing a suit?

Liz Lemon:
It's a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.

Elisa:
It smells like dude in here.

Pete Hornberger:
Come on Tracy just tell us where the money is. Where's the safest place in 30 Rock?

Tracy Jordan:
I already told you. It's dry and warm. Its top is hard but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes it's always in the same place.

Pete Hornberger:
There's nothing like that in 30 Rock! Nothing!

Tracy Jordan:
I never said it was a thing.

Kenneth Parcell:
It's me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock!

Jack Donaghy:
[to Liz] This has nothing to do with our slight difference in gender.

Jack Donaghy:
What are you wearing tonight?

Avery Jessup:
The museum gala? Think slutty Grace Kelly.

Jack Donaghy:
I'm picturing it right now.

[Liz walks in wearing sweats]

Jack Donaghy:
And the exact opposite just walked in.

Avery Jessup:
Tell Liz I said hi.

Jenna Maroney:
I could go with you, be your wingman.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, you wouldn't want to go there.

Jenna Maroney:
Oh, it would be good acting research for me. I'm up for a role in National Lampoon's Van Wilder's Wingman, Incorporated.

Liz Lemon:
I'm looking forward to not seeing that on a plane.

Jack Donaghy:
Dating is like your haircut. Sometimes awkward triangles occur.

Liz Lemon:
It feels like you've been saving that one.

Jack Donaghy:
Obviously.

Toofer:
I'm about to say two words a Harvard man would never say.

Liz Lemon:
"I'm cool"? No, I can't let you be set up like that. Don't quit.

Toofer:
I quit!

Nancy Donovan:
There's a Lee Marvin marathon on Turner Classic tonight.

Jack Donaghy:
I thought you said it wasn't going to get sexual.

Avery Jessup:
I love this restaurant. This is one of the few places in New York with a veal tank.

Jack Donaghy:
It tastes better when you pick your own.

Liz Lemon:
Oh my God, I'm no better than Toofer. Or Lutz with his B.S. Inuit ancestry. Or you, whose dad was in the masons with Dave Garroway. I shouldn't be here.

Pete Hornberger:
This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.

[Bookman criticizes Jack for the shortage of prominent black characters on NBC]

Jack Donaghy:
Then perhaps you should watch Anthony Anderson on "Law And Order", now entering its twenty-first seas...

[Jonathan covers his mouth and whispers into his ear]

Jack Donaghy:
[whispering] Cancelled? Why would we do that? It makes no sense!

Jack Donaghy:
In a post-apocalyptic society, what possible use would they have for you?

Liz Lemon:
Travelling bard.

Jack Donaghy:
Radiation canary.

Tracy Jordan:
I love cop shows. Personally, I can't wait for Law and Order to start up again. [Grizz whispers into Tracy's ear] What? It was a tentpole! A tentpole!

Jack Donaghy:
What about Twofer?

Liz Lemon:
I don't know if you've heard, but he went to Harvard.

Jack Donaghy:
So we know he's smart and good at masturbation.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah! [They high-five]

Regina Bookman:
I'm at New York with some of my colleages. We have meetings on Wall Street, then we're taking the Sex and the City tour.

Rep. Rob Reiner:
Magnolia Bakery? Sorry, hips.

Frank Rossitano:
[On Liz's new nameplate, "El Tejon"] It means "the badger" in Spanish. I don't know who did it. [Liz looks at Frank's hat, which reads "I did it"]

Regina Bookman:
[during a speech] The Future! And America! Now I may have lost my train of thought several minutes ago, but if I continue to talk like this, no one will notice. And when I stop, you will applaud my energy! Thank You!

Jenna Maroney:
[singing her song "Happy Birthday, Skank!"] You say that it's your birthday? Time to skank it up hard! Choke a cop with your panties...

Kenneth Parcell:
NBC had the first two black characters on TV... sort of. For "Alfie & Abner," NBC hired one African-American and one Caucasian because they thought two black people on the same show would make the audience nervous; a rule NBC still uses today!

Tracy Jordan:
[Scene changes to a black & white 1950s TV show, Alfie & Abner. Tracy Morgan enters dressed in fine clothes as Alfie] Abner, I'm home from work! Where are you, my brother?

Abner:
[Entering in ragged overalls with dirt on his face and an afro wig: a blackface character:] Here I is, Alfie!

Tracy Jordan:
[Offended:] Aw hell no, I'm not doing this!

Kenneth Parcell:
[Scene changes back to Kenneth and the TGS crew] NBC received a lot of complaints... that the show wasn't on often enough. So they forced Theodore Freeman to honor his contract.

Abner:
[Walks in carrying a large catfish] I's done stole'd dis catfish!

Tracy Jordan:
Sir, I'm asking you as a human being to please stop talking like that!

Abner:
I's gon' eat it until I'm belly-full!

Tracy Jordan:
This is debasing to the both of us. I was a Tuskegee Airman!

Abner:
Zip-a-dee-doo-doo!

Tracy Jordan:
You may anger me, but I believe non-violence is the path to change.

Abner:
I believe you can catch a rainbow in yo hat!

Tracy Jordan:
I'll kill you, you ignorant cracker!

[Breaks a chair over Abner's head, knocking him out]

Kenneth Parcell:
[Cuts back to the TGS crew, Kenneth still telling the story:] Believe it or not, they did not stop doing the show. which made for tense but thrilling live TV!

[Cuts back to "Alfie & Abner," where Alfie and Abner sit across from each other in awkward silence. Abner is obviously scared to death. Alfie is waiting for Abner to say something, giving him a death glare. Abner looks at Alfie, not sure what to say. Finally, after a long, awkward silence:
]

Abner:
BANJO!

[Alfie tackles Abner, and the screen cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" message]

[Liz's brother Mitch had an accident as a teenager and believes it's still 1985]

Jack Donaghy:
Oh in his mind Reagan is still President?

Jack Donaghy:
[to Mitch] You lucky bastard.

Colleen Donaghy:
Jack, this coat isn't gonna take itself off.

Tracy Jordan:
The holidays without drinkin' is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.

Mitch Lemon:
What's up? Do you like Wham? 'Cause, eh, I'm kinda like the George Michael of my school.

Liz Lemon:
Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?

Jack Donaghy:
Well, it's only positive reinforcement when they say it to you. In my case they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.

Jack Donaghy:
See mother, not all species eat their young.

Jack Donaghy:
[Reaching for the restaurant check] Now, Dick, let me get...

Dick Lemon:
Ahh-ah-ah Jack, it's on me. Wouldn't be a Lemon party without old Dick!

Kenneth Parcell:
I thought we were friends!

Liz Lemon, Deborah:
[in unison with MILF Island, playing in the background] I didn't come here to make friends! I came here to be number one!

Liz Lemon:
This place can eat my poo.

Jack Donaghy:
You know if you Google the phrase 'class-A moron' my name pops first now, so... step aside Randy Quaid.

Kenneth Parcell:
Miss Lemon. Your eyes look like my uncle's after he would drink from the air conditioner.

Jack Donaghy:
So you have seen the show, and why shouldn't you? It has sex, lies, puberty, betrayal, relay races, MILF Island reflects the drama of the human experience and isn't that the essence of art?

Liz Lemon:
Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.

Jack Donaghy:
Why don't I have any other friends?

Liz Lemon:
Wow, okay what about this? Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is 60.

Pete Hornberger:
No, that's ridiculous.

Liz Lemon:
Think about it, he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead.

Lenny Wosniak:
I gave my gun to my pastor, you know, in case I get the old "gloomies" again.

Jack:
You know what family means to me Lemon? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.

Jenna Maroney:
[to writers] And you know who else loves "Dealbreaker"? Bret Michaels. We have the same publicist, and she said he'd love to come here and dress in the same outfit and do it with me... and also, he wants to be on the show.

Jack:
Where I come from, if you have more than two colors on a tie it means you're looking for a certain kind of bar.

Super Hot Lady:
Excuse me. I don't mean to bother you, but I'm a nymphomaniac virgin widow and I just completed my year of mourning and I've got a hotel room and a latex allergy and... well, I was just wondering what you were doing for the next twelve to fourteen hours.

Jenna Maroney:
Without me, you'd still be behind that light board in Chicago turning bags of Sour Patch Kids inside out to lick them clean!

Liz Lemon:
I got my money's worth! And without me, you'd still be doing local commercials for store-brand douches!

Jenna Maroney:
Well, joke's on you, because that wasn't a commercial. I don't know what that was!

Liz Lemon:
People do say strange things at the end. My grandmother said "Liz! Stop playing with the flesh around my elbow!"

Cerie:
Congratulations, Liz. It's inspiring to see that a woman in her 30s can still find true love.

Liz Lemon:
I'm 42, Cerie.

Cerie:
I don't know what that is.

Tracy Jordan:
I've been thinking about what you said, about wishing life could be like TV.

Kenneth Parcell:
That would be great, although I'd get rid of those ads that pop up in the middle of your favorite TV shows. [ad for B*tch Hunter appears mid-bottom screen]

Tracy Jordan:
Well why don't you discuss it with special guest star Florence Henderson? [applause as she walks in]

Kenneth Parcell:
Mrs. Brady!

Florence Henderson:
Uh uh. I told the black guy here, none of that Brady stuff. Now let's get this over with. Which booking is this? Are you the perverts who want to go to town on each other while I make a pie? [gets out apron]

Liz Lemon:
We're talking about Oprah, right?

Gayle King:
No, of course not. [whispering] She can hear us.

Liz Lemon:
Look, I know she gets under your skin, but you should appreciate this time with her. She's 87.

Jack Donaghy:
Thats only 14 in demon years, Lemon.

Kenneth Parcell:
Look at us laughing together, like a couple of Jews watching The Daily Show.

Jack Donaghy:
Shh. Shh, Lemon, it's okay. As I begin phase two of my Jack Attack on Kabletown, I've been doing some research. Do you know what the most successful reality events of the past five years are? Celebrity benefits for natural disasters. The viewership is huge.

Liz Lemon:
You're getting an island?

Tracy Jordan:
Every crazy A-lister owns an island. Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore...

Jack:
Are you drunk?

Liz Lemon:
[drunk] Yessss!

Tracy Jordan:
Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the goverment and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets!

Tracy Jordan:
Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Tracy Jordan:
You know how pissed off I was when U.S. Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack - I'm straight-up mentally ill!

Jack:
Alfredo's, 2 PM.

Liz Lemon:
I'm not dressed for that.

Jack:
You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Liz Lemon:
Where's Gary?

Jack:
[Kicks down door and enters room] Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VP of development for NBC/GE/Universal/Kmart.

Pete:
Oh, we own Kmart now?

Jack:
No. So why are you dressed like we do?

Liz Lemon:
[Referencing Tracy Jordan] Isn't he umm... crazy?

Tracy Jordan:
[Running through traffic in nothing but tighty whities, screaming] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!

Jack:
[to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Pete:
Okay, marry, kill: Oprah, bin Laden, and Jenna.

Liz Lemon:
What did I tell you about playing that game with people in the room?

Jenna Maroney:
No Liz, it's okay.

Frank:
Okay, well I'd marry Oprah, for the money. I do bin Laden for revenge and then his own people would kill him. And I'd kill Jenna.

Tracy Jordan:
Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us, while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Toufer:
[Complaining to Liz] Surely our massive conglomerate parent company could spring for a samovar of coffee.

Frank:
Yeah, or, like, a big coffee dispenser!

Toufer:
[Condescendingly] That's what a samovar is.

Frank:
Are there other black nerds, or is it just you and Urkel?

[Toofer just stares at Frank]

Jack:
[as an assistant holds up a Post-It note] Ah, I'll call her back. Is she at the White House line? [assistant nods] Great. [ & holds up 2nd note] Tell them I need a 4am tee-off time [3rd note] Uh, five inches, but it's thick.

Jack:
I want you to think about Tracy Jordan.

Pete:
The black guy?

Jack:
The black movie star. I flew with him on a private jet to the Super Bowl recently and I found him very entertaining.

Liz Lemon:
Isn't he, um... crazy?

Jack:
Tracy's had his problems in the last few years.

Tracy Jordan:
[cut to Tracy on the news, running through traffic in his underwear] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!

Liz Lemon:
Kenneth! you beautiful goon! He's not in Africa; he's somewhere in the delivery zone of Federici's Pizza! We can find him and bring him back here, and no more forced hiatus!

Kenneth Parcell:
I did it! I saved the show! Now I won't have to go to News.

Liz Lemon:
And I won't have to be the world's worst hooker!

Liz Lemon:
[scene changes to an alley where Liz is leaning into a car wearing a sweatshirt and a blue wig:] You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling. End of list.

Aaron Sorkin:
[Liz is in a reception area waiting to meet with Nick Lachey about a writing job] You here for the "Sing-Off" gig?

Liz Lemon:
Yeah. Do I know you?

Aaron Sorkin:
You know my work. Walk with me.

[Sorkin stands up and Liz follows]

Aaron Sorkin:
I'm Aaron Sorkin. "The West Wing," A Few Good Men, The Social Network.

Liz Lemon:
"Studio 60"?

Aaron Sorkin:
Shut up.

Aaron Sorkin:
Do you know Nick Lachey? I hear he doesn't even let you sit in the meeting; he just screams at you to see how you react.

Liz Lemon:
Wait, you're not really applying for this job, are you?

Aaron Sorkin:
'Course I am. You've got to take work where you find it, especially now. Our craft is dying while people are playing "Angry Birds" and poking each other on Facebook. What is poking anyway? Why won't anybody do it to me? I'm cool.

Liz Lemon:
So it's really that bad out there. I mean, you're Aaron Sorkin. Speaking of "Angry Birds," do you know how to beat 11-4? It's just a red guy and a green guy.

Aaron Sorkin:
The key is do not use the green guy as a boomerang.

Liz Lemon:
Did we just go in a circle?

Aaron Sorkin:
Listen, lady - a gender I write extremely well if the story calls for it - this is serious. We make horse buggies. The first Model T just rolled into town.

Liz Lemon:
We're dinosaurs.

Aaron Sorkin:
We don't need two metaphors. That's bad writing. Not that it matters.

Assistant:
Mr. Sorkin? Mr. Lachey will see you now.

Aaron Sorkin:
[Sorkin walks into the office] Mr. Lachey. Huge fan! Huge fan. I have all your albums.

Jack Donaghy:
There is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. "Oh the merry men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls" - okay, I hear it now.

Jenna Maroney:
You have a good heart, Kenneth. I hope you're in a car accident so that I can have it.

Tracy Jordan:
So how bad is diabetes, really?

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Quite serious. If left untreated you could lose a foot.

Tracy Jordan:
Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetsons?

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
I suppose. But then you'd have to register as a motor vehicle.

Kenneth Parcell:
You can't eat candy if you have diabetes.

Tracy Jordan:
There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken; like Larry Bird or Colorado.

Kenneth Parcell:
What can I do for you, Miss... Jimplin?

Jenna Maroney:
[using the method to prepair for her Janis Joplin role] Well according to my Wikipedia page, I'm gonna need some Cherry juice, Buttermilk and Tequila to make my signature Janice Joplin cocktail: the Frank-schlong.

Liz Lemon:
[holds up two halves of a lego train] Sorry, I dropped it when I pretended it was my penis. [mechanical voice] Robot-penis.

Toofer:
You know, there's a conspiracy theory that, after the civil war, the U.S. government spread false information about diabetes to keep the newly-freed slaves sluggish and docile, which is why, to this date, most African Americans don't understand that diabetes is caused by sleeping on your back.

Improviser:
[Reading a slip of paper drawn from a hat] The audience suggestion is "Sling Blade and Oprah on a date."

Liz Lemon:
[In a Sling Blade voice while pretending to eat] I sure do like dem french-fried potaters.

Jenna Maroney:
No you don't, Oprah.

Liz Lemon:
Even Rob Sussman hated me? He was the first gay guy I ever kissed.

Jessica Speyer:
[Jack has been mistaken for Larry Braverman and goes with the flow] I hate the way we ended, Larry. I am so, so sorry for what happened.

Jack Donaghy:
Well, I forgive you... [glances at her nametag]... Jessica.

Jessica Speyer:
Really? Even for...

Jack Donaghy:
Especially for that.

Jessica Speyer:
Say what you said to me that night at the lake.

Jack Donaghy:
[reaches over to touch her face] No.

Jenna Maroney:
[bursting into Tracey's dressing room] Kenneth is a monster!

Tracy Jordan:
We have to stop him!

Kenneth Parcell:
[drying his tears] I'm so sorry, Miss Maroney.

Jenna Maroney:
No, keep crying. I want you to feel this so you never make this mistake again.

Jack Donaghy:
We all know that Liz Lemon has her faults, but no one's perfect. I mean, I'm certainly not perfect.

Keith:
[objections from the people in the audience] Don't say that Braverman!

Rob Sussman:
You're more than perfect.

Jenna Maroney:
And I would have definitely gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank.

Rosemary:
Help me Liz Lemon! You're my only hope!

Tracy Jordan:
[to his psychiatrist] Who's crazier,me or Ann Curry?

Tracy Jordan:
Tracy Jordan: I don't need the therapy! I'm just mentally ill!

Jack:
[about Rosemary] Fire her. And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.

Liz Lemon:
[entering Rosemary's neighborhood] Is that guy carrying a gun?

Rosemary:
Yeah, but don't worry, he's not a cop.

Liz Lemon:
Alright, I need my job back but this is not crawling, this is proud begging like those kids that dance on the subway.

Jack:
Of course you can have your job back, Lemon.

Liz Lemon:
Oh thank god! It was terrible. I went to her apartment. I don't think she has a toilet! I saw my future, Jack.

Jack:
Never go with a hippie to a second location. [hands Lemon a glass of wine]

Liz Lemon:
[sighs] I can't end up like that. I have gotta make money and save it. And I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into *more* money. Can you teach me how to do that?

Jack:
With my eyes closed.

Liz Lemon:
Oh good, because I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for... forever.

Jack:
You should, that woman is unemployable.

Liz Lemon:
Rosemary said that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked.

Jack:
You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.

[raises glass]

Jack:
To the future, Lemon. Oh, and by the way, GE has a problem with the dog penis sketch.

Liz Lemon:
[they both take a sip, Lemon hands her glass back to Jack] I'll change it.

[turns to leave, Jack pours the remainder of her wine into his glass]

Liz Lemon:
[off screen] Hey, what about cat penises?

Tracy Jordan:
Who's crazier? Me or Ann Curry?

Jack:
Where do you invest your money, Liz?

Liz Lemon:
I have, like, twelve grand in checking...

Jack:
Are you an immigrant?

Tracy's Father:
Tracy, don't stare directly at the sun. It'll make you crazy.

Tracy Jordan:
You're not my dad!

Jack:
[Pretending to be Tracy's dad] Lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man and you paid me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe, doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous just 'cause I'm proud of my son.

Alarm Clock:
After last night's freak snowfall, it's 90 and humid. In other global warming news, a tornado hit downtown Detroit putting out several fires.

Liz Lemon:
[stampedes into the writers' desk after finding out that her sandwich is missing, with a statue in her hand] Where's my sandwich?

Tracy Jordan:
Lutz made us do it!

Lutz:
No it was Frank.

Frank:
Lie! It was you! [the three of them begin to overlap]

Kenneth Parcell:
Stop it! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing.

Tracy Jordan:
Please aks my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

Liz Lemon:
I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin! [shouting] You'll all have chins!

Frank:
Hey, can you make the teamsters tell us where they make those sandwiches?

Jack Donaghy:
Only if you beat them at a drinking contest. It's in their contract.

Floyd:
[calling after Lemon] Don't you deprive the good people of Cleveland an Ikea! You are vindictive, Liz Lemon!

Jenna Maroney:
Shots? What am I, 12 and at my boyfriend's frat party?

Floyd:
You look great!

Liz Lemon:
Do I? I'm pretty tired from playing as hard as I work.

Jack:
We'll trick those race card lovin' wide-loads into watching your lefty homoerotic propaganda hour yet.

Liz Lemon:
You just don't like anybody, do you.

Jenna Maroney:
Did you hear what happened? I am so upset.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, no. Okay, let me explain...

Jenna Maroney:
I came in here to shoot these tennis promos, and they had blue gels on the lights. You know that makes my teeth look see-through. You weren't here to do your job, Liz.

Liz Lemon:
Okay, well, Josh quit.

Jenna Maroney:
Who? Jack's counting on Country Jenna to save the show, but I just want to understand what it is that's distracting you from the one thing you've been told to do.

Liz Lemon:
Really? You wanna know what I've been doing?

Jenna Maroney:
Yes, Liz. Enlighten me.

Liz Lemon:
Jack is hiring a new cast member.

Jenna Maroney:
[Screaming to the top of her lungs] If it is a blonde woman, I will kill myself!

Jenna Maroney:
[Jenna has just joined the protest] Jenna Maroney is great! No new castmember!

Tracy Jordan:
New what? If it's a blonde woman, I'ma kill myself!

Kenneth Parcell:
Bonus means extra! I know that from game shows!

Liz Lemon:
No one can know about this.

Cerie:
Know about what?

Liz Lemon:
Pete's stealing money!

Pete Hornberger:
Liz's uterus fell out!

Cerie:
Oh. I think I already knew that.

Jack Donaghy:
I've been finger tagged, Lemon.

Liz Lemon:
Was it down by the subway entrance because I saw a gangly looking kid down there?

Toofer:
Kenneth is doing a Secret Santa fun swap thing!

Frank Rossitano:
Urgh, he takes the 2 worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules and combines them!

Kenneth Parcell:
[Flash back] And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person and if they want to switch they cannot unless they do then everyone puts their head down except the murderer - oh wait that's not right.

Frank Rossitano:
The whole thing was so confusing I ended up getting my crappy gift back, like I need 2 copies of over 60 Vixens

Danny Baker:
I'm sorry, are you being sarcastic? Canadians have a hard time recognizing it 'cause we don't have a big Jewish population.

Liz Lemon:
Nope, do not put a hyphen in YouFace. There are definitely faces here, but they are not being treated with respect.

Celeste Cunningham:
I should never have listened to a woman who tapes her bra together.

Jack:
Lemon.

Celeste Cunningham:
I like your necklace.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, thank, it's actually a rape whistle, but the whistle part fell off and I just liked how it looked, so I kept it...

Liz Lemon:
Well, I will leave you to it.

Celeste Cunningham:
'It' meaning 'business'.

Liz Lemon:
Of course. I call the movie 'Risky Business' 'Risky It' because it means business. Lemon out.

Josh Girard:
[laughs] Your lame thing is on his pants!

Tracy Jordan:
I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. HAHAHAHA! Just kidding. I know he doesn't care what humans do.

Jack:
I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.

Liz Lemon:
Wait! Isn't she that congresswoman who's trying to...

Jack:
Trying to destroy this company for allegedly turning some children orange? Yes, and therein lies the dilemma. This corporation has a very strict bros before hoes policy.

Liz Lemon:
Wow so you must really have some serious feelings for her.

Jack:
Okay if I can't say "lovers" you can't say "feelings". But yes, it is serious.

Jack:
I'm back Lemon. I've had the most productive summer of my life.

Liz Lemon:
Me Too!

Jack:
All of my summer replacement shows were big hits. America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog, MILF Island.

Liz Lemon:
Milf Island?

Jack:
Twentyfive super hot moms. Fifty eighth grade boys. No rules.

Liz Lemon:
Oh yeah. Didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?

Jack:
That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring milf.

[Jerry Seinfeld has been digitally inserted in an episode of "Heroes"]

Jerry Seinfeld:
[talking to Ando and Hiro on the phone] Save the cheerleader, save the world!

Ando Masahashi:
[to Hiro, in Japanese] Save the cheerleader, save the world.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[annoyed] Yeah, that's what I said!

Liz Lemon:
I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.

Jack:
Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack:
[referring to Jenna's weight gain] She needs to lose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place in television.

Liz Lemon:
I can't believe I missed you.

Jerry Seinfeld:
[Lemon is wearing a wedding dress] Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.

Liz Lemon:
Yes I did.

Jerry Seinfeld:
And it went well?

Liz Lemon:
No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Another woman already? What did you say to her?

Liz Lemon:
[starts breaking down] I did a fake survey!

Jerry Seinfeld:
[raises voice in typical Seinfeld manner] You did the fake survey?

Liz Lemon:
[raises voice too] I know. I'm not over it! And now I'm wearing this. What is the deal with my life?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Are you imitating me?

Liz Lemon:
No! This is what I sound like when I cry!

Jerry Seinfeld:
I think I'm a little insulted.

Liz Lemon:
You're insulted? I'm crying!

Tracy Jordan:
Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon. Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

Tracy Jordan:
Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you're science.

Liz Lemon:
Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago?

Jack Donaghy:
I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit. I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novack, it's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.

Liz Lemon:
Em, I don't think he's real.

Jack Donaghy:
[laughs] I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real. I have to look perfect. When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males.

Jack Donaghy:
[to Celeste] You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present, so grateful.

Jack Donaghy:
Tracy, I don't believe in soulmates and I worked to hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman. I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant and she does it like her father's a minister.

Tracy Jordan:
Tell her that you want your privates and her privates to do a high five.

Tracy Jordan:
Tell her, her butt looks like an apple and you want to take a bite.

Raheem Haddad:
America's government shocked my nuts.

Jack Donaghy:
Tracy, I don't believe in soulmates; I worked too hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman. I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant... and she does it like her dad's a minister.

Liz Lemon:
Don't you want to celebrate Ireland's accomplishments, like Michael Lohan and vomiting into a bagpipe?

Dennis Duffy:
I tried to steal beer from a Duane Reade and some black guy cold cocked me.

Criss:
Like a security guard?

Dennis Duffy:
I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way.

Hazel Wassername:
I will treat them as my own children. Which is a bad example, because I left my children at a Sears in 2004.

Jack Donaghy:
Excuse me, may I help you?

Frank Rossitano:
What? We don't use your bathroom when you're not here. I'm Lutz.

[Jack is in a confession booth, trying to shock the priest]

Jack Donaghy:
I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition.

Elisa:
You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head!

Jack Donaghy:
Well, you have big b*obs!

Elisa:
Which you'll never touch again!

Jack Donaghy:
[sotto voce] This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Jack Donaghy:
Elisa is deeply religious.

Liz Lemon:
If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking God too.

Dr. Drew Baird:
Ok, I feel like I should do the right thing here and tell you that your breast has fallen out of your blouse and I can see all of it.

Liz Lemon:
[glances down] Okay, well, I guess we just [nervous chuckle] jumped ahead to date four. [quietly] It's not the good one, either.

Elisa:
You blew it, Jack. And now you will never see the crazy underwears I have on.

Elisa:
Maybe this is God telling me we do not belong together. Maybe this is a sign.

Jack Donaghy:
[his phone chimes] Look - my driver just pulled up. *That's* a sign. God wants us to leave here, get a good meal, and go to town on each other.

Elisa:
[she slaps him] How dare you say something like that so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, the patron saint of judgmental statues!

Jenna Maroney:
[Jenna has followed the boys into the mensroom] Oh wow, they painted the ceiling in here!

Jack Donaghy:
Good God Lemon, your breathe... When did you find time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?

Jack Donaghy:
We're going to find the perfect person for the show down here [in Georgia] . Someone who represents the *Real America*.

Liz Lemon:
Jack, for the 80th time, no part of America is more American than any other part.

Jack Donaghy:
You are wrong. Small towns are where you see the kindness and goodness and courage of everyday Americans. The folks who are teaching our kids, running our prisons, growing our cigarettes. People who are still living by core American values.

Liz Lemon:
There are plenty of core American values in New York. But there are not restaurants called "Fatty Fat Sandwich Ranch." Turn here! Turn here!

Liz Lemon:
I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

Jack Donaghy:
How surprising that your world view is food-based.

Jenna Maroney:
Hey Frank! Do you know Sacha, Michael, and gay Michael?

Sacha:
Can I ask you a question?... Whhhhyyyy?

Frank Rossitano:
God. it's bad enough having Jenna hang out here. Now she's bringing her friends? How can a dude in a midriff top dominate me like that?

Frank Rossitano:
Hey! Actor friend! So - what are we all doing together for Halloween?

Jenna Maroney:
Oh. Well, Sacha and the Michaels usually have a party.

Frank Rossitano:
Oh. 'Cause, uh Lutz and Tuf and I always have a party. Hang on! What if? We combined parties and threw one big party in the studio? Is that crazy?

Jenna Maroney:
No! Let's do that! Yes! That gesture! I like people who do that!

Sacha:
A party? With them?

Jenna Maroney:
Oh, don't look at me like I'm a football game. I need those guys. i've been using them to make sure I'm taken care of when the new actor gets here.

Sacha:
Girl, I don't even have the energy to tell you what's happening here. So read my face.

Jenna Maroney:
Ohhh! Oh my God! They're using me to get invited to gay Halloween so they can meet hot girls!

Jenna Maroney:
Are you all right, Jack? You look like that flashcard they told me means sadness.

Liz Lemon:
Nerd rage!

Jack Donaghy:
There are no bad ideas, Lemon. Just good ideas that go horribly bad.

Frank Rossitano:
That was funny, Liz. So why does TGS suck so much?

Liz Lemon:
If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

Dennis Duffy:
I knew that girl was eighteen. She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian, and that crap doesn't start until college.

Jack Donaghy:
[about Richard Nixon] God bless that wiretapping bastard!

Tracy Jordan:
My fellow Blackmericans!

Jack:
Save it Liz, I booked the 911 Bird. Winston here saved his owner by dialing 911 and yelling fire only because he didn't know the word for rape.

Michael Bloomberg:
For his exceptional courage, the City of New York bestows the Bronze Medallion on Dennis Duffy.

Dennis Duffy:
Thank you Mayor Bloomberger. I accept this honor on behalf of every - [shouts] Stern Rules! Baba Booey!

Jack Donaghy:
...let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it?

Kenneth Parcell:
Oh, uh, no, sir. I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name!

Jack Donaghy:
That's Republican. We count those.

Bucky Bright:
[Kenneth leads retired 50's TV writer Bucky Bright to the writers' room] We used to call this the "Jew room".

Jack:
Jonathan's going to round up all the cool Republican celebrities.

Liz Lemon:
[laughs] Like who, Chuck Norris?

Jack:
No, C-No and I had a falling out after I switched to another dojo.

Frank Rossitano:
Wow. I never would have had the guts to do what that dude did.

Liz Lemon:
You don't know that.

Frank Rossitano:
I do know. I've watched seven different people die in subway stations.

Jack Donaghy:
Dot com, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off putting.

Dot Com:
I guess that's why I'm still single. [walks off downtrodden]

Bucky Bright:
Back then we didn't have pages, you know. We had what we called 'sandwich girls'.

Kenneth Parcell:
Oh, because they got you sandwiches?

Bucky Bright:
No, no, no, two guys 'd get... Hey, my old dressing room.

Tracy Jordan:
Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page. [holds up a screwdriver]

Bucky Bright:
[about Lemon] Well that's one mouthy sandwich girl, isn't it?

Kenneth Parcell:
I don't choose Democrat or Republican because choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord's name.

Jack:
That's Republican; we count those.

Bucky Bright:
[Kenneth leads retired 50's TV personality Bucky Bright to the writers' room] We used to call this the "Jew room".

Tracy Jordan:
My genius is come alive... like toys when your back is turned.

Liz Lemon:
Hey nerds! Guess who's got 2 thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!

Tracy Jordan:
Which of my hobbies should I indulge first... videogames or pornography?

Tracy Jordan:
My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart. and you're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.

Frank Rossitano:
Salieri?

Tracy Jordan:
No thank you. I already ate.

Jack Donaghy:
Mr Geiss, I'm so sorry, I just found out you're here. I'd have my assistant sit on his naughty stool if he didn't love it so much.

Jack Donaghy:
When will this be made public, sir? I want my mother to know before she dies so goes to her grave a defeated woman.

Jack Donaghy:
Why do I smell self-tanning cream and teeth whitener?... Banks!

Liz Lemon:
I'm feeling pretty drunk.

Jack Donaghy:
Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

Devon Banks:
[to Jack] There is no meeting today. See I convinced the board to have an emergency meeting last night. I tried to call you, but not on the phone, so you may not have heard me.

Liz Lemon:
To get through it I pretended he was a sandwich.

Tracy Jordan:
I need to clear my thoughtcicles.

Tracy Jordan:
I was born to design a video game where characters get weird with each other for golden points. My genius will not be denied.

Jack Donaghy:
Couldn't you just inject something right into his heart?

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
I'd love to, but we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Is it 411 or 911? [Dials three numbers] New York. Uhhh... Diabetes repair, I guess?

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Now this is surgery, so don't eat anything before you come in. Because I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you.

Frank Rossitano:
Hey, Tracy! Now you can tell me your filthy strip club story.

Tracy Jordan:
Frank, I'm gonna have a daughter and I would never tell that story. It's demeaning to women. Especially if they had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Jack Donaghy:
Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.

Tracy Jordan:
Well I hope he makes me an 'across helmet so I don't get hurt playin' 'across.

Liz Lemon:
I thought Tracy was getting here at noon.

Jack:
Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz. We have to accommodate him.

Liz Lemon:
Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show.

Jack:
Well, that's not my problem. I have other things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs?

Liz Lemon:
No...

Jack:
Good.

Tracy Jordan:
[Recording new promos for The Girlie Show] Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.

Liz Lemon:
That's great Tracy but it's peacock.

Tracy Jordan:
What I say?

Liz Lemon:
Peacork.

Tracy Jordan:
Peacock. Think peaCOCK. Right, Jenna?

Stage Manager:
In 3, 2...

Tracy Jordan:
Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

Liz Lemon:
Okay. That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard. Also can you throw Jenna's name in there for me?

Stage Manager:
In 3, 2...

Tracy Jordan:
Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malvangany?

Liz Lemon:
Maroney, rhymes with baloney.

Stage Manager:
In 3, 2...

Tracy Jordan:
Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my baloney?

Liz Lemon:
Nope.

Stage Manager:
In 3, 2...

Tracy Jordan:
Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet? [end of take] I think we got it! I think we got it!

Jack:
Yep, I think we did.

Liz Lemon:
Tracy has... mental health issues.

Jenna Maroney:
He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!

Liz Lemon:
When you hear his versions she was kind of asking for it.

Tracy Jordan:
So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got a Adam's apple.' And Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, he said, 'Freaky-deekies need love too... Freaky-deekies need. love. too.'

Tracy Jordan:
You don't have to thank me, Lemon. We're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken, and a chicken container.

Tracy Jordan:
[answering phone] Yo!

Josh Girard:
[impersonating Jack Donaghy] Tracy. It's Jack Donaghy. I hear we have a problem with Josh Girard.

Tracy Jordan:
Damn right! Keeps impersonating me! Makin' me into a caricature!

Josh Girard:
Well, I would take care of this if I could. But it's tricky. You see, Josh's father's an assassin with the Russian mafia. They call him "El Matador."

Tracy Jordan:
Whoooa. Those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.

Josh Girard:
It happies me. To hear you say that. For being so understanding, I'm sending you our new, super-top-secret invisible motorcycle.

Tracy Jordan:
For reals?

Josh Girard:
[laughs] For realsies. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see adoctor. I keep pooping during sex.

Jack:
My mother wanted to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me.

Kenneth:
Oh.

Jack:
I was twelve.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
[answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.

Liz Lemon:
[confused] Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Jack:
Business doesn't get me down. Business gets me off.

Liz Lemon:
This is your fault, nerd. Jack is going to kill me, then he's going to kill you, and then he's going to fold us into a pizza and eat it.

Tracy Jordan:
This is untoward! This is NOT TOWARD!

Cerie:
Hey everyone I'm engaged! [applause]

Frank Rossitano:
Is that going to change the way you dress or eat lollipops?

Cerie:
No.

Frank Rossitano:
Oh congratulations.

Jack:
Guess where I was last night?

Liz Lemon:
Mark Foley's sleepover party?

Dennis Duffy:
I'm moving into my new apartment so I've got one last thing to say to you and I'll be out of your life forever. [reading from written letter] Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger b*obs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried... I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we'd be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation", which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights.

Tracy Jordan:
I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

Jenna Maroney:
That guy wanted to buy you a drink!

Liz Lemon:
Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Jenna Maroney:
Do you think those guys work on Wall Street?

Liz Lemon:
Yeah. I think they're from the firm Date Rape, Cokington, Cheeseball and Jag.

Tracy Jordan:
Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch

Jack Donaghy:
I've arranged for one of Tracy's childhood idols to reach out to him.

Tracy Jordan:
Hello?

Jack Donaghy:
Tracy, this is Jack, I have someone here who wants to speak with you.

Rick:
Tracy, this is Bill Cosby...

Liz Lemon:
[whispering] Really? This is your strategy?

Jack Donaghy:
[whispering and smiling] I heard him do this at a party!

Rick:
...I want you to come back to the TGS for the people who like the jokes and the things.

Tracy Jordan:
Bill Cosby, you got a lotta nerve gettin' on the phone wit' me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette!

Rick:
I think you're confusing me with someone else.

Tracy Jordan:
1971. Cincinnati. She was a cocktail waitress with the droopy eye!

Rick:
I'm the guy... with the pudding...

Tracy Jordan:
Don't try to tell me what to do! Heathcliffe Huxtable, wit' yo' light-ass kids! Jack! Why would you make me talk to this man?

Jack Donaghy:
Tracy, wait! [ Deepens voice slightly. ] Tracy this is Billy Dee Williams, I just wanna say I love your work, it's very smooth... [Lemon groans and walks out]

Tracy Jordan:
Now get in here and rub my feet until you hear a chopper coming.

Jenna Maroney:
Everyone shout out phrases that describe my beauty.

Pete Hornberger:
Fading.

Cerie:
'80s.

Richard F. Esposito:
1880s.

Ted:
Pleasure to have met you.

Tracy Jordan:
Damn straight. I'm delightful!

Jack Donaghy:
God, this is like dating Katie Couric all over again.

Tracy Jordan:
I don't have a daughter.

Jack Donaghy:
[puts his arm around Tracy] Let's have casting session on Monday.

Tracy Jordan:
[knocks on Jack's door]

Jack Donaghy:
Come on in, Tracy.

Tracy Jordan:
Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cause she *asked* me to take it out.

Liz Lemon:
[bursts into Jack's office] Oh, hey - false alarm! It turns out she *asked* him to take it out.

Jack Donaghy:
Liz, all the VPs will be angling to golf with Don Geiss, but my partner will be Tracy Jordan, his grandchildren's favorite movie star. Geiss will absolutely choose us, and that's a big deal because being in a foursome with this man can change your life.

Liz Lemon:
You might want to rephrase that.

Liz Lemon:
Hey, Frank, wake up! You're not allowed to sleep through the topical meeting.

Pete Hornberger:
Okay, the van to take you up to Connecticut will be leaving at noon, and once you get up to the golf course you're be working in pairs... Okay, have fun; don't get drunk.

Kenneth Parcell:
I just don't want to disgrace the peacock.

Pete Hornberger:
Oh, Kenneth. If you're worried about disgracing the National Broadcasting Company, you're too late.

Kenneth Parcell:
Doggone it, Grace; I just don't know myself around you.

Kenneth Parcell:
Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the 9th Annual Cure Diabetes Now Golf Tournament.

Jack Donaghy:
Has Don Geiss arrived yet?

Kenneth Parcell:
No, sir, but if you'd like, we could work out a signal so I could let you know when he does arrive, like... [coos like a bird]

Jack Donaghy:
That won't be necessary.

Kenneth Parcell:
[quietly] I'll probably just do it anyway.

[Liz comes upon Greta's box of kittens]

Liz Lemon:
[excitedly] Look at these guys!

Greta Johanssen:
Yeah, they like you! They're very good at sensing debilitating loneliness in a person.

Liz Lemon:
We need to fire Lutz.

Pete Hornberger:
What? Why? What happened?

Liz Lemon:
He called me the worst name ever.

Frank Rossitano:
What did he call you?

Liz Lemon:
I'm not gonna repeat it. That's how much I hate it.

Pete Hornberger:
Fat can?

Liz Lemon:
No.

Frank Rossitano:
Mouth hooker?

Liz Lemon:
No.

Frank Rossitano:
Monster b*tch.

Pete Hornberger:
Hatchet face.

Liz Lemon:
No!

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz]

Pete Hornberger:
Well, you know, he was probably just blowing off steam. You can't fire a guy for cursing.

Liz Lemon:
No, I - I'm not upset by cursing. I *love* cursing. I love it! But this word is not acceptable - no - because there's nothing you can call a guy back. There is no male equivalent to this word.

Pete Hornberger:
Well, why don't we come up with one, and then you can call him that? Like, um, "muncus."

Frank Rossitano:
"Fungdark."

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz]

Liz Lemon:
The one that rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album.

Frank Rossitano:
It rhymes with "Hermit of Mink Hollow"?

Liz Lemon:
No!

Pete Hornberger:
Oh! Oh, boy.

Pete Hornberger:
You're just in reaction right now. You need to just take a few hours and calm down.

Liz Lemon:
Don't tell me to calm down, you fungdark.

Pete Hornberger:
Yeah, you're right; it doesn't work.

Liz Lemon:
[after flashbacks] Oh, my God, I am! I'm a total...

Greta Johanssen:
Runt! Runt! I lost my kitten. Has anyone seen my runt?

Jack Donaghy:
Tomorrow I'm gonna be in an intense six-hour foursome with three other men, and one of them will be Don Geiss, and he's gonna get all my attention, and you're just gonna sit back and watch.

[across the room, Kenneth coos like a bird]

Don Geiss:
Thank you so much for being here and supporting diabetes research.

Tracy Jordan:
Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar runs in my family, too.

Pete Hornberger:
Oh, I get it. You're trying to be nice now 'cause of what Lutz said.

Liz Lemon:
No, I'm not trying to be nice. I *am* nice. I'm a nice person, you bald, gangly - [clears throat]

Liz Lemon:
[pleasantly] I'm gonna try harder. I'm gonna try to be nice.

Jack Donaghy:
You know, Ted, Kenneth here is one of our more promising young pages. He knows everything there is to know about the business.

Kenneth Parcell:
I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.

[Toofer's cell phone rings]

Toofer:
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, Liz; I'm so sorry. I thought I turned it off.

Liz Lemon:
No, Toofer, take the call. Come on; this isn't Hitler's bunker. That would make me Hitler!

[everyone looks]

Liz Lemon:
What? This is the new me. Do you like the new me? And before you answer, Super Balls!

Tracy Jordan:
I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

Don Geiss:
Jack, you handsome son of a gun! This guy gets younger every time I see him!

Jack Donaghy:
No, you're the one.

Don Geiss:
Oh, hair like a Viking! God bless you!

Liz Lemon:
Hey everybody, look! Sherlock Homo is here to solve the case of the gay sweater!

Jack:
Lem on I'm impressed! You're beginning to think like a businessman.

Liz Lemon:
A business woman.

Jack:
I don't think that's a word.

Tracy Jordan:
The only way I can feel good about myself is to be booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper.

Tracy Jordan:
I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they got food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.

Liz Lemon:
I did know that, yeah.

Liz Lemon:
What's with the cookie jar?

Jack:
I collect them.

Liz Lemon:
Really, is that some kind of unresolved childhood thing?

Jack:
Nice try. Eh, we never had any cookiejars in my home because my mother never baked a silly cookies 'cause she never felt we deserved any cookies so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.

Liz Lemon:
But that cookie jar says 'mom' on it.

Jack:
Er, I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside down 'wow'.

Tracy Jordan:
[after Liz tells him he can't go to a strip club] I'm sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight!

Jack:
Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'm gonna fight 'em.

Jack:
You like cookie jars, Kenneth?

Kenneth Parcell:
Well, I guess I never thought about it that much. We had a nice one back home in Georgia. It had a bear on it. I remember when my mom's friend Ron would come over. They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork, and I'd just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar. It was almost as if I took every problem that I ever had and I put it inside that cookie jar. And I sealed it up so tight that nothin' would ever, ever, ever get out. So, I guess to answer your question, I'd give cookie jars about a B.

Jack:
Some people have so many problems that there aren't enough cookie jars in the world to contain them.

Kenneth Parcell:
Miss Lemon, may I speak with you?

Liz Lemon:
Sure, can you walk and talk?

Kenneth Parcell:
Uh... Usually, but now you've got me thinking about it.

Jack Donaghy:
Do you know what a prize I am in the gay community? There's a term for it: I'm a bear and I'm a daddy. I'm a daddy bear.

Liz Lemon:
[to Jack] I want you... to punch your sister in the face.

Pete Hornberger:
Hey, Liz! Hey! You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom ten percent.

Liz Lemon:
Uh, you can just tell she is, by her stupid face.

Pete Hornberger:
You're a better person than this.

Liz Lemon:
Jack has given me absolute power. I am the decider.

Pete Hornberger:
Okay, you can't just do this.

Liz Lemon:
I'm not gonna just do anything. I have a plan. Step one: befriend the enemy and gather information. Then, use the information to drive her into the bottom ten percent.

Pete Hornberger:
Good lord! Your eyes - you look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.

Liz Lemon:
Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, Mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours - blam-o!

[at the NBC Fitness Center]

Jenna Maroney:
What class do you wanna take?

Liz Lemon:
Uh, anything that doesn't have the word "strip," "salsa," or "beats" with a "z" in the name of it.

Jenna Maroney:
Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then.

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.

[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]

Jack Donaghy:
Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!

Jack Donaghy:
Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

Jack Donaghy:
You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

Liz Lemon:
What?

Jack Donaghy:
We have to synergize backward overflow.

Liz Lemon:
Ten percent? I can't fire any of these people!

Pete Hornberger:
Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife, with those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.

Liz Lemon:
Everything okay at home, buddy?

Pete Hornberger:
Remember that little secret I told you about Hornberger family planning?

Liz Lemon:
You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me *that* backfired.

Tracy Jordan:
Hey, Liz Lemon: Do you know where I could find a good church?

Liz Lemon:
How good? Like, Judaism-good, or just, like, Unitarian?

Tracy Jordan:
My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

Tracy Jordan:
So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

Liz Lemon:
Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Liz Lemon:
Can I help you?

Eddie Donaghy:
Yeah, sweetheart: I'm looking for Jack Donaghy.

Liz Lemon:
And you are?

Eddie Donaghy:
Eddie Donaghy - Jack's brother.

Liz Lemon:
Really? 'Cause Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is "Donagee," not "Donahee."

Eddie Donaghy:
[considering her] You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.

[Liz immediately believes Eddie]

Liz Lemon:
Tracy, this is Jack's brother, Eddie.

Eddie Donaghy:
I got a real job now: I talk homeless people into joining the army.

Jack Donaghy:
Isn't there anything that you want?

Eddie Donaghy:
One thing: I'd like my brother back. Look, I know I've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life. Juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy... Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket!

Jack Donaghy:
Ah, that was for a couple of lousy months; big deal. I had sex with your prom date.

Eddie Donaghy:
I stole your identity.

Jack Donaghy:
I threw you out of a window.

Eddie Donaghy:
I convinced you you had lupus.

Jack Donaghy:
I microwaved your parakeet!

Eddie Donaghy:
I hated that bird.

Jack Donaghy:
We had some great times, didn't we?

[the elevator opens for Liz, revealing Floyd inside, kissing a woman]

Floyd:
Hey, sorry about that. Not super-appropriate in the workplace.

Liz Lemon:
No... It's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.

Eddie Donaghy:
Hey, Jack, you mind if I take a few grapes for dinner later?

Jack Donaghy:
Why don't you just take the money?

Eddie Donaghy:
No! If you wanna give money to someone, you give it to those nurses who took care of Dad at Chicago All-Saints Hospital. They never once said anything about the racist stuff, towards the end.

[Tracy is seeking a religion for publicity]

Tracy Jordan:
Hey, Jack's brother: What religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.

Eddie Donaghy:
Oh, well, uh, I'm Irish Catholic. Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the church lately, ya know, because of The Da Vinci Code, but what's great is you can do anything - anything - and as long as you go to confession, it's forgiven.

Tracy Jordan:
I'm Irish Catholic.

Eddie Donaghy:
Wow! I bet Pop's lookin' down right now and saying, "If I could come back and do any broad, it'd be that one right there."

Liz Lemon:
[chuckles and then speaks seriously] Ew.

[Liz, talking to herself while reading from her computer screen]

Liz Lemon:
Well, well, other Liz, played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers? [chuckles] Kept that a secret from your employer, didn't you?

Cerie:
Oh, Liz? Did you put your check in already?

Liz Lemon:
Oh, no. [takes out her checkbook] What do I make it out to - "Chicago All-Saints Hospital"?

Cerie:
Eddie just said to write the initials on the check.

[Liz speaks to herself as she writes]

Liz Lemon:
C-A-S-H... Son of a b*tch!

[Liz looks through the box of checks; all are addressed to CASH]

Cerie:
[helpfully] Eddie already took the other box.

Jack Donaghy:
I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.

Liz Lemon:
Uh, I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

Jack Donaghy:
Oh, I had to re-hire that Liz Lemler that you fired.

Liz Lemon:
Okay.

Jack Donaghy:
And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.

Liz Lemon:
Fantastic.

Jack Donaghy:
It's an amazing opportunity for her, out at... corporate headquarters.

Liz Lemon:
In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?

Jack Donaghy:
Yes. That's right. It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.

[Liz smiles]

Jack Donaghy:
And you say...

Liz Lemon:
Thank you, Jack.

Jack Donaghy:
You're welcome.

Tracy Jordan:
Hey, did you hear the good news, J.D.? I'm Irish Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.

Jack Donaghy:
Oh, ho ho, no you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.

Tracy Jordan:
See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.

Jack Donaghy:
That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.

Tracy Jordan:
I don't think I want that. I'm out.

[Jack turns to leave]

Jack Donaghy:
[to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.

[Jack crosses himself]

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon is right, Jenna, obviously you can't do both TGC and Jenny Jimplin.

Jenna Maroney:
I choose the movie. My face is bigger on movies.

Jack Donaghy:
No, I don't mean quit, I mean Liz will find a way to make both work. Am I right, Lemon?

Liz Lemon:
Well, I'll have to use you less in the show...

Jack Donaghy:
And I'll schale back the movie. We could cut the lesbian scene.

Jenna Maroney:
But the Oscars love that kind of scene. [Lemon gives her a look] There's two guys in my gym named Oscar.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
[watching a lab rat clawing at its window] He's been doing that for almost 8 hours, Dr. Vicki. You know what I like to do for 8 hours? A TV guide crossword puzzle.

Tracy Jordan:
Here comes the funcooker. [takes down his pants]

Jack Donaghy:
Unfortunately, legal just informed me that the name we settled on for our bite size microwave, the 'BiteNuker', is highly offensive to those who speak either French or Dutch. A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it 'Bedneuker'.

Sue:
[speaking with an accent that sounds more Scandinavian than French or Dutch] Hey! That's awful!

Jack Donaghy:
I'm sorry, Miss LaRouge Van der Hoot.

Jenna Maroney:
The "The Hair?"

Jack:
This year I'll be a page for a day, and you'll be my boss.

Kenneth:
Thank you, sir.

Jack:
That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Jenna Maroney:
How's it going?

Liz Lemon:
Terrible. I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

Kenneth Parcell:
Do you know why I put up with this 'pitiful job', Mr. Donaghy, why I fetch these folks' lunches and clean up their barfs? Cause they make television. And more then jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American artform.

Liz Lemon:
He looked at me with those crazy handsome guy eyes. It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon ...

Jenna Maroney:
[interrupting] No Liz, do not talk about stuff like that on your date. Guys like that do not like Star Trek.

Liz Lemon:
Wars!

Liz Lemon:
Excuse me, Doctor Aldrin? I'm sorry. There wasn't a door so I just...

Buzz Aldrin:
I don't believe in barriers because I always break them.

Buzz Aldrin:
I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?

Kenneth Parcell:
Now you're standing on the exact spot where Gracie Allen took Jack Paar's virginity.

Kenneth Parcell:
Well, as a child, I had a prize pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day I picked up one of her piglets - she went crazy! She bit off my nut sack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels.

Jack Donaghy:
Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. It's America's Australia.

Liz Lemon:
You cost the show a lot of money with your shenanigans.

Tracy Jordan:
Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.

Liz Lemon:
Hey Jack, do you treat me any differently because I'm a woman?

Jack Donaghy:
Well, I pay you a little less, yes.

Liz Lemon:
It costs the show a lot of money when you pull these shenanigans

Tracy Jordan:
Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang. We have a black president now.

Liz Lemon:
What do you care? You voted for Nader.

Jack Donaghy:
I need your help, We were having sex at The Palace, she told me she loved me.

Liz Lemon:
You did it, again?

Jack Donaghy:
Well it was quick and in the meat locker, that's ok, right?

Liz Lemon:
What is it with you men, you're like you are junkies or something. Why can't you just say no?

Jack Donaghy:
Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing. Emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack, I mean their self-loathing translates into... nevermind. I've got to get out of this. What do other guys do?

Liz Lemon:
Well, one guy died, Scotty Pippen requested a transfer to Houston.

Jack Donaghy:
Jack Donaghy: Houston is too humid, what about this dying thing?

Liz Lemon:
Where is she now?

Jack Donaghy:
Chained to the radiator at her hotel room. It was her idea, she's an amazing woman.

Liz Lemon:
[about Claire] She's like a human Macarena. Something everyone did at parties in 1996.

Harry Anderson:
Markie, will you do me the honor of becoming my fake wife so we can get our money and get the hell outta here?

Markie Post:
I've waited fifteen years to hear you say those words!

Jack Donaghy:
Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws. I mean, somewhere right now a guy is on a J-Date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody's perfect.

Tracy Jordan:
You are wise, Liz Lemon. Like a genetically manipulated shark.

Elisa:
Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?

Kenneth Parcell:
My real name is... Dick Whitman!

Liz Lemon:
Wow, that is one gay lion.

Liz Lemon:
[singing] Workin' on my night cheese!

Liz Lemon:
[Her door knocks and Liz answers it] Jack? Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.

Jack:
I heard you singing "night cheese".

Jack Donaghy:
I'll tell you everything you need to know, Danny: never do business with a friend, never be friends with a woman and lose the leather bracelet.

Tracy Jordan:
You're blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.

Kenneth Parcell:
I feel as useless as a mom's college degree.

Jack Donaghy:
You look like you've been around.

Simon Behrens:
Yeah. I've seen a bra or two.

Jack Donaghy:
I'll bet you have.

Jack:
Look, Tracy - I can't just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need. You must know Arsenio...

Tracy Jordan:
Hall or Billingham?

Jack:
You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?

Tracy Jordan:
No.

Tracy Jordan:
I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

Jack:
I have two ears and a heart, don't I?

Jenna Maroney:
I've been booked on The View!

Pete Hornberger:
Oh Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

Jenna Maroney:
I know.

Barbara Walters:
[on The View] Let's get personal. Your father Werner was a burger server in suburban Santa Barbara.

Jenna Maroney:
Yes, that's right.

Barbara Walters:
When he spurned your mother Verna for a curly-haired surfer named Roberta. Did that hurt her?

Jenna Maroney:
It was hard on all of us, yes.

Barbara Walters:
Flurg murg glurg flurg murg murg murg tennis murg murg. Was a murg murg flurg?

Jenna Maroney:
I'll always be his little girl. [cries]

Barbara Walters:
[puts her hand on Jenna's shoulder] Glurg.

Liz Lemon:
[trying to figure out the title to Jenna's film] Could it be 'Roar her, gem her'?

Pete Hornberger:
No, that doesn't make any sence. It's got to be 'Oral Germ Whore'.

Jack:
We have a product we want you to give an endorsement to.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
I'll do it! What is it?

Jack:
It's called a Tracey Jordan Meat Machine, it's a duel press grill.

Dr. Leo Spaceman:
Say no more, if it's giving people meat, then I'm on board.

Josh Girard:
I had to let Tony watch me pee to get this tape.

Tracy Jordan:
He bit Shug Knight! He made Rasheed Wallace cry!

French Dude:
[in French, subtitled] I hate hip hop. I assure you those guys couldn't appreciate a good French wine. Also I love Dane Cook! Wonderful! Have a good weekend!

Kenneth:
I'm sorry, this is a private party.

Ridikolous:
Hold on: we're with Tracy Jordan.

Kenneth:
And Mr. Jordan himself said "don't let no one in who's not on the list 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi, so haters to the left."

Ridikolous:
What's your game?

Kenneth:
Boggle.

Ridikolous:
What's your game?

Kenneth:
Boggle!

Tracy Jordan:
The manatee has become the Mento.

Liz Lemon:
Tracy, do you think I'm racist?

Tracy Jordan:
No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah is part of your effort to protect our dignity.

Liz Lemon:
Oh, by the way, when you do that impression, don't forget to stretch everything out. "We've got John Travoltaaaaaaaaa!"

Liz Lemon:
[after being accused of being a racist] How racist is this? I'm going to the Source Awards tomorrow night.

Steven Black:
[laughs] Well let me get on the black phone and call the NAACP, so they can send you your medal right now.

Liz Lemon:
You getting mugged just proves what I said to you on the phone. New York is a selfish, filth monster and it eventually gets all of us. It's Ghostbusters II all over again!

Jack Donaghy:
No, me getting mugged is New York doing what she does best... calling a great man to action. It's the original Ghostbusters all over again!

Tracy Jordan:
Where your feet at, blue man?

Liz Lemon:
Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack:
It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Jack:
Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.

Conan O'Brien:
I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.

Jack:
Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.

Conan O'Brien:
That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.

Jack:
Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

Conan O'Brien:
What's the hard way?

Jack:
You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.

Conan O'Brien:
Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you black Irish bastard.

Jack:
Back at you, red.

Tracy Jordan:
I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.

Toufer:
Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.

Pete:
Maybe something about you and your wife.

Tracy Jordan:
Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask...

Frank:
Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.

Tracy Jordan:
I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.

Pete:
No.

Tracy Jordan:
Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.

Pete:
What was that?

Tracy Jordan:
I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...

Pete:
No.

Tracy Jordan:
What else is on my mind-grapes?

Frank Rossitano:
Everyone knows you hate stuff like this. You're maybe the most high-maintenance b*tch in Hollywood.

Jenna Maroney:
"Maybe"? Who's more? Who is she?

Liz Lemon:
Wait, Jenna's Jimmy Buffet rip off is actually a thing? I can't believe she pulled that off!

Visor Lady:
And I can't believe I'm pulling THIS off! Woo! [removes shirt]

Liz Lemon:
Why do you have a tattoo of a seat belt?

Visor Lady:
In case I don't get pulled over when I'm driving without one!

Liz Lemon:
Jack was right, people don't want an idea bomb dropped on them.

Tracy Jordan:
Don't give up! That is not the Lisa Loeb that I know!

Liz Lemon:
How do I even vote? New York is going to go for Obama anyways. Maybe if I lived in Ohio I could make a difference.

Tracy Jordan:
Actually no, Ohio is going to go for Romney.

Liz Lemon:
You don't know which way Ohio is going.

Tracy Jordan:
But I do know! Liz Lemon, I've done standup in every state in this country. I know the people of America! I know how they think! [holds up a US map puzzle] I can tell you exactly how this election is gonna play out.

Jack Donaghy:
Everyone knows that Romney has a vacation home in New Hampshire, but they don't know that he hunts people on that property. Therefore, New Hampshire goes to Obama.

Tracy Jordan:
North Carolina goes to Romney. I know, I did shows there this summer, and they are not on board with a black man lecturing them. I don't care if it's Obama talking about health care, or me talking about white butts. They are different than black butts!

Jack Donaghy:
Pennsylvania is Obama's. The voting machines there have become sentient, and are strongly in favor of gay marriage.

Tracy Jordan:
We're not gonna win Wisconsin, I don't know why.

Jack Donaghy:
Ever since Tracy set fire to Lambeau Field, Wisconsinites are strongly coming around in favor of the death penalty. That just leaves...

Tracy Jordan:
Florida, the penis of America!

Jack Donaghy:
Florida, the penis of America.

Tracy Jordan:
Now just like any penis, Florida is very complicated. The Cubans in the South - very conservative. I had a lot of expensive cigars put out on me in Miami comedy clubs.

Jack Donaghy:
But central Florida is dominated by retirees, serial killers, and secretly gay Disney princes, all of whom love Obama. Meanwhile, Northern Florida... huh.

Tracy Jordan:
The only crowds I could never figure out were in Northern Florida. One minute they're laughing at me, the next they're laughing at me.

Jack Donaghy:
According to this, the electorate there is impossible to predict. It's a combination of elderly shut ins, beach bums, bus passengers...

Tracy Jordan:
Bus passengers that ran out of money, swamp people, and pirates! These people don't like being told what to do, they just want to sit on the beach and drink. Their motto is "Unwindulax".

Liz Lemon:
Oh my god! One person can make a difference, and that person is Jenna!

Jack Donaghy:
The next president of the United States will be chosen by Jenna Maroney!

Liz Lemon:
I can't believe Jenna's Jimmy Buffett ripoff is actually a thing!

Jenna Maroney:
[clip of Jenna's music video] I caught crabs in paradise, and yes I mean both kinds of crabs...

Roger:
Hey let me see your bag! [Liz turns around] You work at that show?

Liz Lemon:
Yeah, I work at it, just like your mom works at THAT street corner. Oh sorry.

Roger:
No need to apologize, my mom really is a prostitute! Hey everyone this chick knows Jenna Maroney! [crowd cheers]

Visor Lady:
Hey everybody! New rule! Drink when someone says something! Woo! [crowd cheers]

Liz Lemon:
Who are you people?

Jack:
[Drunk and playing with the TV remote after bringing a hooker to Tracy's hotel room] Ooh, video games! We could play video games.

Jack:
I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.

Bianca Donaghy:
Fine.

Jack:
I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.

Bianca Donaghy:
Fine.

Jack:
I want all of our love letters.

Bianca Donaghy:
Fine.

Jack:
I want all of your parents' love letters.

Bianca Donaghy:
Fine.

Jack:
I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.

Bianca Donaghy:
Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!

Liz Lemon:
[on the phone] Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight, and I can't tell who they're from... No, no, I did read the card, but it's not signed... No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... Well, that is just... Oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually, and they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!

[hangs up]

Jack:
One minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then, before you know it, your lawyers are arguing over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.

Liz Lemon:
You taught your dog to poop in a box?

Jack:
Bianca did. But, damn it, I want that box.

Toofer:
Okay, I got a hard one: Osama bin Laden, Martha Stewart, Jenna.

Frank Rossitano:
Bone Osama bin Laden, to shame him, and then his own people would murder him. Marry Martha Stuart, 'cause, you know, she seems like a dirty bird, and kill Jenna.

Josh Girard:
Cerie, marry, boff, kill: Lutz, Toofer or Kenneth.

Cerie:
I'd marry Toofer, because he's classy. I'd kill Lutz, sorry Lutz.

Lutz:
The thought that you'd do anything to me is awesome.

Cerie:
And I'd boff Kenneth.

Jack Donaghy:
You don't need my advice.

Liz Lemon:
But I still want it.

Hazel Wassername:
Stop looking at my ass!

Jenna Maroney:
Stop pointing your ass at my eyeballs!

Liz Lemon:
I'm actually seeing someone right now. And he's never around 'cause he's a pilot. His name is Carol.

Ritchie:
That sounds really fake.

Liz Lemon:
I know how it sounds!

Dr. Spaceman:
[to Mrs. Jordan as she is in labor] Calm down, everything is fine, I just administered an epidural. Would you like one, too?

Jenna Maroney:
Do you remember my tattoo mishap? It was supposed to say 'Peace' but they wrote 'White Hooker' instead.

Liz Lemon:
Were you in the army?

Ritchie:
Oh, haha, no, better: Civil War reenactor. Kind of an expert at being shot by smooth-bore firearms.

Tracy Jordan:
We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!

Jack Donaghy:
I'll wait. Not forever.

Nancy Donovan:
I'll try, wicked hard.