Boy Meets World

Clerk:
I'm sorry, we don't give that kind of information.

Eric:
Really? Well...

[produces $1]

Eric:
Perhaps my friend Mr. Washington will help you change your mind.

Little boy:
I just want to have my picture taken, so I can send it to my grandma so she sends me a check.

Eric:
After she sends the check, tell her she forgot the check. Works every time.

Cory:
There's no such thing as good news until I've had my Grape Nuts.

Cory:
We're gonna have a child? Wait, we've only kissed. I mean, I knew I was a good kisser, but *wow*.

Topanga:
Do you think this is funny?

Cory:
No, I think it's the opposite of funny. I think it's... wood.

[Eric and Topanga have gone on a diet together, but are keeping it a secret; Cory thinks the reason Topanga is acting differently is that she's pregnant]

Eric:
[to Topanga] Look, in a few months, everything's gonna be back to normal, okay?

Cory:
All right, Eric. What's going on?

Eric:
Hey, Cor. You smell like chicken.

Cory:
Don't change the subject. I know Topanga confided in you. What did she tell you?

Eric:
She told me that she's in trouble and it's all your fault. Your waffles and butter did this to her.

Cory:
Why would Topanga confide in you instead of her own husband?

Eric:
Because she knew how you'd react.

Cory:
You mean like this? [screams] My life is over! [back to normal voice] Like that?

Eric:
That's why she came to me, okay? People like us have similar appetites, that's how we get into situations like this.

Cory:
You've been in this situation before?

Eric:
Yeah, on and off since high school.

Cory:
Do Mom and Dad know?

Eric:
Yeah, Mom and Dad know. Dad actually thinks it's kinda funny. [laughs]

Cory:
Oh, no, Eric. There is nothing funny about this. Every day she gets bigger, my life gets a little more complicated.

Eric:
Your life? Is that all you can think about? What about Topanga, huh? What is she supposed to do? Her body's out of control and she has nowhere to turn! Look, if you can't be supportive then the best possible thing for you to do is just stay away from her. Just stay away from her!

Cory:
[hysterical] I don't know what I should do!

[both run away, in opposite directions]

Eric, Shawn Hunter, Jack:
[gasp] Topanga!

Eric:
Oh Mary-Anne, I wish to make out with thee [pitchfork is thrown at him]

Jack:
What an arm!

Eric:
[as driving away] I thought you were friendly people!

[about to take a picture for the yearbook]

Eric:
Dumped.

Cory:
Dumped.

Shawn Hunter:
Cheese.

Eric:
So I said to myself, 'Kyle,'...

Alan:
Kyle?

Eric:
That's what I call myself.

Chet Hunter:
I got two stupid boys. Y'all embarrass me in front of my dead friends

[Jack and Eric are dressed up as girls to avoid bullies]

Mr. George Feeny:
Hmm, double d's, just like your grades.

Cory:
I believe in love like I believe in God: you can't touch it, you can't see it, but you can feel its wrath.

Shawn Hunter:
And its goodness. You can feel love's goodness.

Cory:
I wouldn't know

Jonathan Turner:
[referring to Shawn] I talk, he sleeps. Its just like class.

Cory:
I, Cory Matthews, am a PO-TAY-TO.

Eric [singing]:
"When a crime breaks out, all the cute girls shout, 'Get the good-looking guy.' When there's a crime out there, he's going to comb his hair, cause he's the good-looking guy. [speaking] Book 'em, good-lookin'.

Cory:
So, what's it like to have that kind of money?

Jack:
...Good

[John Turner is in a coma]

Shawn Hunter:
John, how could you be in here? How could you screw up on your bike? I have never seen you screw up on anything. I'm the screw-up, remember? C'mon you remember... Don't do this to me, John. I don't do alone real good... I know you're in there but it's like you're not really here. You're not talking but I know you're here. So I'm just gonna talk, you can listen.

[pause]

Shawn Hunter:
John, even when I was at the Centre, it was all the things you taught me that made me wonder if it was the right place for me or not. But you didn't teach me enough. You, and Cory, and my parents, and the Matthews and the handful of people who really care about me, so don't blow me off, John.

[Looks up]

Shawn Hunter:
Don't blow me off, God. I never asked you for anything before and I never wanted to come to you like this, but don't take Turner away from me; he's not done yelling at me yet. God, you're not talking but I know you're here, so I'm gonna talk, and you can listen.

[pause]

Shawn Hunter:
God, I don't wanna be empty inside any more.

Eric:
How great is this.

Jack:
Do you know how great this is?

Shawn Hunter:
This is great.

Alan Matthews:
Hey, son! How was your day?

Cory:
Fine.

Alan Matthews:
What'd you do in school?

Cory:
Nothing

Alan Matthews:
Hey, *hold on*! Wait there!

Alan Matthews:
You know, everyday I ask you, "What did you do?" and everyday you tell me "Nothing." Well, I'm tired of nothing. I mean we both know something happened in school today and I want to know what it is!

Cory:
I decided to be a girl.

Alan Matthews:
Well, you taught me a very valuable lesson there, son.

Shawn Hunter:
You know the book, "Black Like Me"?

Amy Matthews:
Sure, is that what you guys are reading in school?

Alan Matthews:
Don't ask questions, honey!

Cory:
She kissed me!

Topanga:
And you moved away? What did you do to stop it?

Cory:
You're right. I said, "Kiss me, baby-sweetie, kill the relationship with the person I care about more than anyone in the world, and make me miserable for the rest of my horrible life." That's what I said.

Angela Moore:
I'm going to go over and look at this painting, entitled "Go With Him, He's Cute."

Cory:
Mom, Listen, I haven't been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we *have* been together for sixteen. 'Kay, that's a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn't cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those "the lost years". Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I'm with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that's, that's what I feel is love, Mom... When I'm better because she's here... and now she won't be. So we're finished.

Topanga:
Kiss, kiss.

Cory:
I accidently kissed Missy Robinson.

Topanga:
How do you accidently kiss someone? Did she slip on a rug, and your lips broke her fall?

Shawn Hunter:
I'm real screwed up.

Eric:
See, duckies are good, cuz not only do they give you that non-threatening sense of security, but you can feed 'em crackers and you can ride 'em. See, duckies are the horsies of the ocean. No, I mean they are.

Cory:
Okay, someone explain to me about duckies before I hit him with a spoon.

Amy Matthews:
It's wallpaper.

Topanga:
It's adorable.

Alan Matthews:
It's for you room.

Eric:
DUCKIES RULE.

[repeated line]

Jonathan Turner:
Are you kidding me?

Topanga:
I wasn't sure this day would ever come, but you were. I wasn't sure love could survive everything we put it through, but you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That's what I'm sure of.

Cory:
I have to talk to her now, OK. [to Shawn]

Shawn Hunter:
Go ahead.

Cory:
Ever since I was young I never understood anything about the world, and I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you, and how I felt about you. That's all I've ever known and that's enough, that's enough for me, for the rest of my life. Topanga, we gonna get married?

Topanga:
Yea, we are.

Cory:
Good, cause, umm I have these rings... I love you, Topanga.

Topanga:
I love you too, Cory.

[Cory thinks he is turning into a werewolf]

Madame Mosbenskias:
Come to me, Werewolf Boy.

Cory:
You know.

Madame Mosbenskias:
I know many things, I know you were bitten by a wolf.

Cory:
It's true.

Madame Mosbenskias:
I know you are now becoming a wolf.

Cory:
That's amazing.

Madame Mosbenskias:
I know you are recently divorced.

Cory:
What?

Madame Mosbenskias:
You're not Billy Joel?

Cory:
No.

Madame Mosbenskias:
Well, then, you're just a wolf.

[Cory loses a geography bee]

Cory:
I'm hitting my head. I'm hitting the northern-most part of my head.

Eric:
Mr. F... F... F... Feeny

Mr. George Feeny:
I love the Feeny call

Cory:
You are going to learn something from life every day. And make mistakes. And you'll make good friends and Mr. Feeny will probably teach you every grade you're ever in. And maybe someday you'll fall in love with a woman as wonderful as Topanga. How would you like that?

Joshua Matthews:
Yeah.

Cory:
And be lucky enough to make a good friend as Shawn. How'd you like that?

Joshua Matthews:
Good.

Cory:
And when you're not a little boy anymore, when the world has taught you how to be a man... Then you'll still make mistakes. But your family, and all those good friends you've made along the way, will help you. And even though you'll think the world has gone out of it's way to teach you all the tough lessons, you'll realize that it's the same world that's given you your family and those friends, you you'll come to believe that no matter what happens, somehow the world will protect you, too. "Boy Meets World." Now I get it.

Frankie:
I walk alone in this world... Alone I walk... Except for the grilled cheese sandwich in my pocket.

[Cory and his mother are compromising]

Amy Matthews:
Thirty minutes.

Cory:
Half an hour.

Amy Matthews:
Deal.

Eric:
[to Cory] Hey, be careful. Not that I care.

Eric:
[sees a spider on his arm] What do you think Mr. Birdy? [slurred]Birdy bit me... left side paralyzed... losing consciousness...

Shawn Hunter:
Was it the dream with the dummy again?

Cory:
Yes... he was on foot... and he had a gun.

Cory:
It was raining... you had an umbrella... I grabbed it, stuffed it down your throat, and then I opened it. Shawn, I Mary Poppinsed ya.

Cory:
Last night T.K. and me talked on the phone for two hours. That beats my previous time spent on the phone with a girl by like... two hours.

Eric:
It was one of those nights. You know the kind. Like day, but darker.

[Eric returns from the future, where Cory is called Rory]

Eric:
Rory?

Cory:
Reric?

Shawn Hunter:
How far are the slopes from here?

Ranger Mark:
Two miles.

Shawn Hunter:
How far walking?

Ranger Mark:
Two miles.

Shawn Hunter:
[to Cory] Well, that's only one mile each.

Shawn Hunter:
I'm no rocket scientologist.

Amy Matthews:
C'mon, Morgan. Let's go in the other room and watch TV.

Morgan Matthews:
But TV's not funny. Cory's life is funny.

Eric:
What are you doing?

Morgan Matthews:
Filling out college applications.

Eric:
But, you're only in the third grade, you can't go to college.

Morgan Matthews:
Cory said that if you can go to college, anyone can go to college.

Eric:
Morgan, isn't it time to bother someone else?

Topanga:
We're supposed to see other people.

Cory:
I'm supposed to see other people, you're supposed to wait until I die.

Eric:
Guess who's got pictures of Cory running naked through the sprinkler?

Cory:
Eric, I was four.

Eric:
You were twelve.

Cory:
It was... refreshing.

Shawn Hunter:
Today in class, I did something I don't normally do. A lot of thinking. And not about that whole war part two.

[Cory is trying to find a topic to talk about on his radio show]

Cory:
There's a dark side to a bake sale too, isn't there? Fat. Cholesterol. What about that?

Amy Matthews:
Apparently, Cory would rather listen to the game then try and understand the emotional content of Romeo & Juliet.

Cory:
Mom, I'm a kid. I don't understand the emotional content of Full House.

Morgan Matthews:
I do.

Mr. George Feeny:
Friendship for example, is a real gift. It's given with no expectations and no gratitude is needed, not between real friends.

Shawn Hunter:
She's got style. She's got elegance. She's got parents.

Jonathan Turner:
Anybody you like.

Cory:
Anybody?

Jonathan Turner:
Anybody.

Cory:
Absolutely anybody?

Jonathan Turner:
Absolutely anybody.

Cory:
I pick Shawn.

Shawn Hunter:
I pick Cory.

Topanga:
You know, you walked right into that.

Jonathan Turner:
I did, didn't I?

Eric:
I don't skate. At all.

Jason:
Canadians skate. How hard could it be?

[discussing how nice looking Mr. Turner's bike is]

Frankie:
You could eat it.

Joey:
You mean "eat off it".

Frankie:
I said what I said.

Shawn Hunter:
I live in a trailer park.

Cory:
And what a trailer park. It's great. It's got a pool... when it rains.

Frankie:
When you've got something you could wrap a grand jury around, then give us a jingle.

[Shawn wants a bigger role with the thugs]

Shawn Hunter:
What happens after I get the look down?

Joey:
All right, this morning... you get the bagels.

Eric:
Life's tough, get a helmet.

Shawn Hunter:
Pittsburgh: The Big Apple, City of Angels.

Cory:
It's hard to imagine you as a boy. Did your parents call you Mr. Feeny?

Cory:
[about Topanga] She goes away for the summer and comes back a woman.

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah. Kinda like Coach Franklin.

Eric:
My grades aren't good enough to get me into college?

Mr. George Feeny:
Your grades, my friend, aren't good enough to get you a Slurpee.

Jonathan Turner:
When they kick you out of your apartment, you'll always have a place to stay.

Mr. Williams:
I appreciate that.

Jonathan Turner:
Yeah, the park across the street.

Cory:
Would you be my girlfriend?

[Topanga kisses Cory]

Cory:
Yes or no?

Morgan Matthews:
Mommy, if my dolly's cold, can I put her in the toaster oven?

Amy Matthews:
No, honey. That would be a mistake.

Morgan Matthews:
Mommy?

Amy Matthews:
Yes?

Morgan Matthews:
I made a mistake.

Amy Matthews:
[runs over to toaster oven and pulls out doll] Cory, didn't you smell that?

Cory:
Yeah, I just thought we were having plastic for dinner.

[trying to straighten Cory's hair]

Cory:
Is this stuff supposed to be burning?

Shawn Hunter:
Why, is it burning?

Cory:
No, I was just trying to make conversation, because we don't get enough chances to talk any more.

Cory:
Tell them how you got out of study hall.

Larry:
I told her I was training for the Olympic decathlon.

Cory:
And she believed you?

Larry:
She bought me a discus.

Quarterback:
What's your last name?

Eric:
Matthews.

Quarterback:
Wow. Same as your brother's.

Shawn Hunter:
Remember the goldfish I used to have?

Cory:
The turtle?

Eric:
I have a question that I'm going to need a yes or no answer to. How many people get into Yale each year?

Mr. George Feeny:
No.

Shawn Hunter:
Morgan, how do we really know the light bulb goes off when you close the refrigerator?

Morgan Matthews:
Why don't you get in there and find out?

[Mr. Turner and Mr. Williams break up a fight between Cory and Shawn]

Jonathan Turner:
Hunter? Matthews?

Eli Williams:
Did you guys know you were fighting each other?

Cory:
Someday, Topanga's going to be a mother, and I'm going to be the father. Or, the uncle. Or, the way I'm going, the guy down the street with the binoculars.

Shawn Hunter:
Don't blow me off God.

Cory:
Is it just me or does anyone else wanna hurl from boredom?"

Cory:
An operation? Operations are bad. Do you remember our cat, Fluffy. He died during an operation.

Eric:
Cory, Fluffy fell out of a tree. They were trying to sew his head back on.

Cory:
Look at me, I'm breakin' the law. [Sirens] Well we all so that one coming.

Lauren:
Yes, sir, can I help you?

Cory:
I don't want to have feelings for another girl.

Lauren:
Neither do I.

Shawn Hunter:
No kissy?

Cory:
Just talky.

Cory:
I never asked to be the man in this relationship.

[Tommy wants Eric to adopt him]

Tommy:
Do you know what Scooby did when Shaggy fell in the well?

Eric:
This isn't a cartoon, Tommy.

Tommy:
He SAVED him. He saved him because he LOVED him.

Eric:
Tommy, you know I love you.

Tommy:
Then why won't you save me?

[on Cory's attempt to ask Topanga out]

Shawn Hunter:
What did you do?

Cory:
I saluted her.

[Eric is asked how he afforded a huge wedding]

Eric:
So I'm picking up the tuxes, and I see that they're setting up for this big Peterman wedding next door.

Rachel McGuire:
Wait - "disposable diaper" Petermans?

Eric:
Yeah, them Petermans.

Rachel McGuire:
But their wedding is, like, the social event of the year.

Eric:
Yeah, well... now it's not.

Jack:
What did you do?

Eric:
Nothing, really. I just called the operator and asked for the number to the hotel, and while I was waiting, I noticed there was a little shmutz on the end of the phone. I couldn't tell whether it was dried vomit or gum. It *tasted* more like gum...

Jack:
Get on with it!

Eric:
Anyway, I told them that I was E.J. Peterman and that my daughter had to get married right away because she was pregnant. So drink up, guys, 'cause this is gonna hit the fan in, like, two seconds...

Harley:
Didn't I tell Frankie to dispose of you two?

Cory:
Yeah, and he did. He killed us. Big time.

Shawn:
And now we're the angels of ourselves.

Cory:
And now it's time for us to float away.

Shawn:
Float.

Harley:
Have either one of you angels seen my girl.

Cory:
You mean Gloria?

Shawn:
No, we haven't seen her.

Cory:
There's no reason for us to have seen her.

Shawn:
We were in the locker the WHOLE time.

Harley:
The whole time WHAT, boys?

Cory:
Come on, Shawn. Float.

[Cory is hitch-hiking and an Amish man approaches in a carriage]

Amish Man:
Hello, young man. Are you in need of a ride? I'm going to that farmhouse there. [he points]

Cory:
That farmhouse there? [points]

Amish Man:
That farmhouse there. [pointing]

Cory:
Well, I'm going to Philadelphia.

Amish Man:
Well, I can take you as far as that farmhouse there. [points]

Cory:
Yes, but, you see, I'm going to Philadelphia, so that really does me no good.

Amish Man:
That may be, but, my will is just and my heart is pure. [drives off]

Cory:
...Which also does me no good.

Cory:
Listen, I want you to know that I am completely secure in our relationship, and if you want to spend your summer away at camp, I am totally okay with it.

Topanga:
That is so mature.

Cory:
'cause I'm going with ya.

Topanga:
Cory, it's an all girls camp.

Cory:
What time's swim'n?

[Topanga is interviewing Shawn about love]

Shawn Hunter:
Well, love is the most rare and precious thing in the whole world.

Topanga:
Have you ever fallen in love?

Shawn Hunter:
About five times a day.

Mr. George Feeny:
[finishing a speech] And that, Mr. Hunter, is how babies are made.

Shawn Hunter:
I still don't believe it.

[after Topanga decided at the last minute to not marry Cory, by not saying "I do."]

Topanga:
I don't know what to say.

Cory:
"Do". You know, "do"? It's the first half of your favorite word, "don't".

Topanga:
Cory, the worst thing that ever happened when we were kids was that your Pop-Tart fell on the ground.

Cory:
Yeah, and *you* convinced me to eat it. You said, "God made dirt, dirt won't hurt."

Shawn Hunter:
He says one thing, and does another. He's a hypochondriac.

Topanga:
You know, I can take you.

Angela Moore:
Girl, you don't want to dance with me.

Topanga:
Ready?

Angela Moore:
Ready.

Cory:
His name is Lianol, we met today and we are getting along just fabulously. Because I'm young Hunter, I'm vital and I have a lot to offer.

Shawn Hunter:
Cory and Topanga aren't together anymore.

Mr. George Feeny:
Yes, I know, I too read Teen Beat, Mr. Hunter.

Cory:
When I'm here with you, I'm fine, but over there with Topanga it's like I'm a... a... a sea monkey.

Shawn Hunter:
That's a bad animal.

Cory:
That's just what I want - to be Topanga's boyfriend. And then we can name our children Chewbacca and Plankton.

Cory:
Shawnzie?

Shawn Hunter:
Yessie?

Alan Matthews:
Things aren't always easy in the real world.

Eric:
I'm going to Yale. I'm going to Yale.

Alan Matthews:
It's a little easier in his world

Shawn Hunter:
Where were you?

Cory:
[whispering] There was a Fortune Teller at the yogurt parlor.

Shawn Hunter:
You tortured a feller named Yogi Tyler?

Cory:
...Yeah.

[Cory thinks he is turning into a werewolf]

Shawn Hunter:
Come on, you couldn't have been bitten by a wolf.

Cory:
Shawn, look at the bite.

Shawn Hunter:
I don't see anything.

Cory:
Of course you don't. Everybody knows werewolf bites heal overnight.

Shawn Hunter:
Wow. Then, you're covered with them.

[it is Halloween at a yogurt parlor]

Cory:
Got any special flavors?

Cashier:
Well, we've got Bucket of Blood, that's like Strawberry, and we've got Bucket of Guts, that's more or less Chocolate, and we've got Smashed and Severed Hair Steins, I don't recommend that.

Cory:
Can you mix the Blood, and the Guts?

Cashier:
All the time.

Radio:
Well, the search for the missing wolf continues, and with the day being Halloween, we've been receiving prank calls of reports of wolves and even werewolves.

Cory:
Werewolves, isn't that silly? [sees the cashier's face] Isn't it?

Cashier:
There are things, and then there are *things*.

Cory:
You mean... There are things such as werewolves?

Cashier:
There are places were such things are revealed. For five dollars complete.

[Cory is writing a note]

Turner:
Matthews, you're amazing, you have no idea what's going on, and yet you're still taking notes. Watcha writin'? [Cory stuffs the note in his mouth] Watcha eatin'?

Topanga:
Yeah, Shawn, you were wrong about Feeny and you're wrong about this.

Shawn Hunter:
You were wrong to break up with Cory.

Topanga:
What does that have to do with anything?

Shawn Hunter:
Did any of this happen while you two were still together?

Topanga:
No.

Shawn Hunter:
You've killed us. You've killed us all.

Eric:
Hey, hey. Now there's only two people horribly dead here, that's an acceptable loss.

Shawn Hunter:
If the sun never sets in the British Empire, then when do they watch Letterman?

Feeny:
Alan, there is a large rusty object not only blocking my driveway, but most of the light into my kitchen.

Eric:
Hey, that's my new car.

Feeny:
May I assume it moves?

Eric:
Like the wind. Especially downhill. Oh. You want me to move it?

Feeny:
Well, we certainly can't count on anyone stealing it.

Eric:
[after Cory drips water on his face] I'd kill you, but I can't move.

[Cory and Topanga talking about their wedding and people in their family who died. Topanga says Nana Boo-Boo and Cory's crying]

Cory:
Nana Boo-Boo!

Cory:
[stops and thinks about it]

Cory:
Wait... is Nana Boo-boo dead?

Topanga:
No.

Cory:
Oh.

Mr. George Feeny:
I, for example, have a young neighbor who sings along to his little sister's Barney records.

Cory:
You hear that?

Shawn Hunter:
I need chocolate.

Debbie:
That's 16 grams of fat. And you have a purse.

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, I do.

Cory:
That's not really his purse. He found that purse.

Debbie:
Well, he found an ugly one.

Shawn Hunter:
Hey. I happen to like this purse.

Eric:
Where's my lucky tube socks?

Cory:
[holding up two very tiny socks] I don't think they're so lucky anymore.

Topanga:
What's wrong?

Cory:
My hosiery is still bunching.

Angela Moore:
My soap opera name is Shinaynay Martin Luther King Boulevard... Boy, I've got to get some black friends.

Shawn Hunter:
If I was only going to be alive for one more minute, I'd spend it looking in your eyes.

Angela Moore:
And if you were only going to be alive for one more minute, I'd tell you to stop lookin'... and start kissin'.

Cory:
A girl wrote seven numbers on my hand. What could this possibly mean?

Shawn Hunter:
It means, call her.

Cory:
Shawn, how could I call her when I don't even have her- Aahh.

Eric:
Hey, what's up with the Weasel? She's locked herself in the bathroom singing, "On the first day of Christmas, I murdered Santa Claus.".

Cory:
Mr. Feeny, under my desk is a key. It opens locker 703 in a Florida station. In there is all my homework from the past 5 years. I'm actually a wonderful student. I listen and I know everything.

Mr. George Feeny:
What's the capital of Montana?

[pause]

Cory:
You're not going to Florida, are you?

Cory:
Shawn, I refuse to believe anything from those idiotic supermarket tabloids.

Shawn Hunter:
It's the New York Times, baby.

Cory:
The New York Times trailer park edition.

Shawn Hunter:
It's exactly the same thing, except you can eat it.

Dr. Feldspar:
Is there a history of mental illness in the family?

Cory:
My uncle Morrie thinks he's Sammy Sosa.

Eric:
I married a moose.

Jack:
[Eric is set on getting revenge on Topanga for beating him up and he is dressed as an old man inside a painting. Jack walks by and stops in shock] I begged you. I begged you to get help

Eric:
[laughs] Oooh this is going to be so sweet. Bye, bye Topanga.

Jack:
You know what, Topanga is too smart for you. Anyone is.

Eric:
Stay out of this Jack. This is a one man mission. Will you help me?

Jack:
No. [leaves]

Eric:
Fine. I can handle this myself. [to the woman in the painting] You have a very large head. I don't know why I married you.

[Eric is dressed as a woman]

Eric:
It's great to be so in touch with my feminine side [pretty girl walks past Eric] and now I'm gonna get in touch with her feminine side. Hey. Hey. We can be friends. Come on everyone experiments in college.

[Eric is dressed up as a woman and Topanga doesn't know it's him]

Topanga:
I think you're beautiful on the inside.

Eric:
Did you say I was... beautiful?

Topanga:
...Yeah... cause you are.

Alan Matthews:
Maybe we should try thinking.

Cory:
No, me and Shawn have already tried that. It doesn't work.

Alan Matthews:
Maybe we should try listening to them.

[beat]

[Everyone laughs]

Eric:
Maybe we should try Cory's thinking thing again.

Topanga:
I'm a damsel, but not the distressed kind, one who's totally calm and in complete control of her own destiny.

Shawn:
Where do you think we stand?

Cory:
We're lowly, 7th grade sewer scum who name rats after ourselves to feel important.

Shawn:
And how do you feel about this?

Cory:
Better than the guys with no rats.

Topanga:
[reading her yearbook quote to Cory] You do your thing and I do my thing. You are you and I am I. And, if, in the end, we end up together, it's beautiful.

Shawn:
[about Cory] You like him.

Topanga:
You little pervert.

Shawn:
You like him a lot.

Cory:
Sometimes I can't hold my breath long enough to get down to where Mr. Feeny likes to swim.

Eric:
I know what you're saying and I'm winking right back at you.

Mr. George Feeny:
Please don't.

Eric:
If stupidity were in the Olympics, you'd win a Nobel Prize.

Harley:
That was then, this is... not then.

Alan:
As much as I love this, you and me, how long is this going to go on?

Eric:
Uh. I don't know, We could play to 11 or 21 or 17 - that'd be weird, huh?

Shawn:
I can't believe it, Feeny locked us in.

Cory:
He can't do that. It's against the Geneva Detention Convention.

Chet Hunter:
I had and idea for a news channel to broadcast news 24 hours a day all over the world.

Topanga:
You invented "CNN"?

Chet Hunter:
Yes. "Chet's News Network". But I made the mistake of blabbing my idea to a southern man on an elevator.

[Chet turns to Mr. Turner]

Chet Hunter:
Uh, what's your last name again?

Mr. Turner:
"Turner"... No relation.

Cory:
Chickens in the hallway. Chickens in the hallway. Somebody must have let 'em loose as the official senior prank. Look at 'em. Look at 'em. Oh, look at the chickens. Oh my gosh, this is crazy. I wonder which crazy senior though this up, huh? This is nuts.

Cory:
My name is Cory Matthews. I'm here with my lovely fianc?e Topanga. Isn't she lovely?

Stan:
They are all lovely with the lights off.

Cory:
I wouldn't know sir.

Stan:
You're a virgin?

Cory:
I'm cursed.

Cory:
So they got Hunter kidnapped, and handcuffed to a pole, and I have to step in and save Shawn's butt, because I have a way with women, as you can probably tell by the fact that I've never been more available in my life. Tickets go on sale at the box office.

Topanga:
Stuart, did you give me this paper rose?

Stuart Minkus:
[looking up from an origami book] No.

[after Shawn can't find his real mom]

Topanga:
Cory... what do you think he's gonna do?

Cory:
Probably something that's gonna devastate him as well as all of us.

Angela:
The usual.

[Shawn shows up drunk at the Matthew's house for Alan's surprise birthday party]

Shawn:
Surprise.

Eric:
It's tomorrow night, you idiot.

[Alan's yelling at Shawn per his request for getting drunk]

Alan:
Someday you're gonna want to buy a house and you're gonna come to me.

Cory:
I think this is about us.

Topanga:
Nice touch.

[in a paranormal state, Chet tells Shawn about his real Mom]

Chet:
I said, "Honey, it's a - Honey?" Oh, but don't blame her. She wasn't the motherly type. She was more... how can I put this delicately... a stripper.

Chet:
Verna loved you. You had a butt she loved to pat. Unfortunately, she did not find my butt as lovable.

Cory:
You see, my mom's mad at my dad because he got her a trash compactor for their anniversary.

Harley:
What a yutz.

Gloria:
Oh, yeah. That's a long way away from tires.

Gloria:
Name one thing you got me that ever made me feel special.

Harley:
Tires. Steel belted.

Gloria:
Three.

Harley:
The guy came back.

Cory:
Mom, did dad really promise to take you to Paris?

Amy:
Of course he did... just now.

Harley:
How come last night you kept me waiting for 20 minutes outside your house?

Gloria:
How come you parked outside my house, honked the horn, and didn't come in?

Harley:
Because maybe I saw your father standing by the door and I didn't feel like saying hello.

Gloria:
That was my mother.

Harley:
Then I definitely don't wanna meet your father.

Gloria:
My girlfriend's boyfriends actually come up to the door.

Harley:
That's because they don't have cars.

Gloria:
My girlfriend's boyfriends have manners.

Harley:
You call sticking your finger in my face manners?

[Harley and Gloria are fighting]

Joey:
Hey, lovebirds, I don't like what I'm hearing. Where's the magic gone in this romance? If I may venture to...

Gloria:
Oh, cork it, Joey.

Joey:
Corking it.

Cory:
I'm telling you, that macaroni and cheese had more grease than Harley's hair.

Shawn:
I think that's how they made it, they just flipped him over and wrung him out. (they round the corner and see Harley who heard everything)

Shawn and Cory:
HARLEY.

Shawn:
He's just mad because he can't do this. (flips his hair)

Eli:
Careful. I can't even do that.

[Harley's about to beat up Cory and Shawn when Shawn sees Gloria]

Shawn:
Harley, why would you waste your time beating us up when you could be spending your time with Claudia Schiffer's cuter younger sister.

Gloria:
Well, I wouldn't say cuter.

Harley:
Turn it off.

Shawn:
Turning it off, sir.

Harley:
Frankie, remember that pinata I promised you for your birthday.

Frankie:
Yeah.

Harley:
Here's two. (shoves Cory and Shawn his way) Feliz Navidad.

Harley:
Frankie, what's wrong with you? You haven't said a word all morning.

Frankie:
Just having some quiet time.

Harley:
That's good. Some people (looks at Gloria) should try that sometime.

Cory:
In some countries me calling your hair greasy would be considered a compliment. For instance... Greece.

Gloria:
That's funny.

Harley:
Yeah, he's a pretty funny guy.

Cory:
So, I get to live, huh?

Harley:
There's that humor again. I will miss that.

[Harley has just caught Frankie and Gloria together]

Frankie:
Harley, I can explain.

Harley:
I look forward to hearing it.

Frankie:
I went behind your back and stole your girl.

Shawn:
(to Angela ina drunken haze) We don't have any Mommy's or Daddy's.

Topanga:
Do you know why a husband talks to his wife before doing something? So she can tell him what a stupid idea it is.

Eric:
Shawn's poor. Ha ha.

Clerk [played by John Balma]:
Name?

Cory:
Why? I- I, mean, w- why do you need that?

Clerk:
Just need a name to put in the computer, any name. Any name will do.

Cory:
Oh, this is silly. You must go through this all the time. I'll just, I'll give you my real name. It's, It's Don. Don Quixote. That's me.

Clerk:
That's new. Address?

Cory:
1414 Bella, Mancha.

Cory:
Eric?

Eric:
How did you find me?

Cory:
You live here.

Cory:
Where are you going?

Topanga:
With this outfit and this hair? Hello, buh-bye, I am SO at the mall.

[all said very fast]

Joey:
That's a good one, Harley. That's a great one. I'll be laughing at that one for years and years. I'll probably be telling my grandkids about it, like sixty years from now. Unless of course, if I don't have grandkids, and then I suppose I'll have to tell some strange kids in a park. And the cops'll come and say, "Hey, you in the raincoat... "

Harley:
Shut up.

Joey:
Yeah, okay.

[Cory rips the blanket off Topanga and Shawn]

Cory:
Underpants.

Shawn Hunter:
I always sleep like this.

Cory:
Underpants.

Shawn Hunter:
Oh, here we go.

[Cory tells Shawn and Topanga to go out on a date and they ask him why]

Cory:
Because, if you don't, it's gonna haunt us for the rest of our lives.

Topanga:
Why does everything have to haunt us for the rest of our lives?

Cory:
Underpants.

Shawn:
Okay, all right lets calmly recap.

Eric:
Kenny's dead, Feeny's dead, we're trapped inside with the killer.

[after finding the janitor's squeaky bin alone in the halls]

Shawn Hunter:
Angela?

Angela Moore:
Yeah?

Shawn Hunter:
Are you sick of screaming?

Angela Moore:
Yes.

Shawn Hunter:
Then don't look in here.

Shawn Hunter:
Angela, are you sick of screaming yet? [Angela nods] Then you'd better not look in there. [indicates the trash can holding the murdered janitor]

Cory:
[peering into the trash can] Oh my God! [beat] There's like a hundred retainers in there!

[after finding the dead janitor]

Eric:
Wait a second, the killer's dead. We're off the hook. Up top.

Eric:
Done, Done, Done.

Topanga:
Enough already!

Shawn Hunter:
What, do we upset you?

Topanga:
Yes!

Cory:
Upset you enough to kill?

Topanga:
Somebody has to find a way out.

Eric:
Fine. I'll do it. I'm the oldest.

Jack:
Actually, I'm the oldest.

Eric:
Yeah, but I've lived the longest.

Jack:
She doesn't look like the killer type to me.

Cory:
Me neither, I am however less sure about Eric.

Eric:
When did this school get a library?

Jack:
Everyday is a new adventure isn't it?

Shawn Hunter:
Okay, I know I was wrong before about the janitor, but I really, really think guy's the killer.

Jack:
[after Eric and a new girl named Feffy have been crushed to death by falling books] Eric! Feffy. Eric! Aw... he was my friend, my room mate. I didn't really know her.

Shawn Hunter:
And I guess I've been taking it pretty hard, and I'm sorry I disrupted the class and killed everyone.

Mr. George Feeny:
Something bad happened, Mr. Hunter, but for the very first time you're not responsible.

[Re:
Cory and Topanga's break-up]

Shawn Hunter:
How come I feel so bad?

Mr. George Feeny:
Well, because you're a troubled young man, I recognize that from the movie, "A Troubled Young Man"

Mr. George Feeny:
Nebraska, Mr. Hunter, Nebraska!

Shawn Hunter:
That's the 75th state. Major exports: tortias.

INTERCOM:
Welcome to John Adams High, where you are going to die. That's right, fall right this way.

Cory:
I, I think that he knows we're too old for detention to scare us like it did when we were little kids right, so he's turned this school into a total chamber of horrors.

Angela Moore:
Doctor Feeny's house of terror.

Cory:
Did you guys see Feeny out there?

Eric:
Nope, not a sole, actually it was kinda creepy.

Topanga:
Why Creepy? Why is it creepy? Why did you say creepy? Why creepy?

Topanga:
What's he trying to teach us?

Cory:
To pay attention or we die.

[after reading a message written with blood on the chalkboard]

Shawn Hunter:
It's Feeny.

Topanga:
There's blood on the black board, Shawn. I don't think it's because he ran out of chalk!

[after Cory mocks him]

Mr. George Feeny:
Mr. Matthews, when one mocks someone, one should wait until they're not looking right at them.

Cory:
But I'm not in my regular seat.

[after Feeny separates Topanga and Cory]

Shawn Hunter:
Mr. Feeny, you can't do that! You're contributing to the furtherance of their apartness.

Mr. George Feeny:
I'm trying to teach a class here. Now Mr. Hunter, Nebraska?

Shawn Hunter:
Oh, don't try to change the subject.

Shawn Hunter:
Mr. Feeny, I'm sure if you recall the pain of being stabbed in the back by a girlfriend.

Topanga:
I didn't stab him, he stabbed me.

Cory:
Oh, I'd stab myself before I'd stab you. Kenny, give me a pencil.

Kenny:
I don't have one!

Mr. George Feeny:
We'll return to the Young and the Restless right after this word from Feeny, and here is the word, shut up.

Eric:
We feed Morgan some kind of poison, which makes her ill. And when Dad is in the emergency room, that's when the party begins!

Topanga:
Let me get this stright, you would poison your sister to surprise your father?

Eric:
Now if Morgan goes south, you know, if she croaks, it will put a damper on the whole party. That's why we will have... Horsey Rides! See, me on the horsey, (let's call him Pete) on Pete having fun, joy, merriment. Any questions?

[a depressed Cory uses handkerchiefs]

Shawn:
Who carries these things around? What did you do, dig up your grandfather and pick his pocket?

[in tears]

Cory:
Grandpa Poppy... He always had seeds in his teeth... And that's why we called him Poppy...

Cory:
But you see, Shawn, that was a cartoon. Time was compressed, we're real, we're in real time.

Shawn:
Trust me, it's the same thing.

Cory:
No, no it's not. You see, a television show can cover many days in only one "half an hour" program.

Shawn:
Trust me, it's the same thing.

Morgan:
Cory and Topanga sitting in a tree. A-B-C-D-E-F-G

Cory:
Richard and Cindy?

Shawn:
Very deeply in love.

Cory:
Since when?

Shawn:
Lunch.

Cory:
What did they eat?

Shawn:
I don't know, but it doesn't look like it was enough.

Miss Kelly:
All right. The name of the place where the eggs are stored.

Cory:
What are... the gonads?

Miss Kelly:
No, sorry, I was looking for "What are the ovaries?"

Cory:
Oh, the o... yeah, I always mix those two up.

Miss Kelly:
Try not to; your future will be brighter. Can you tell us anything about ovulation or how pregnancy occurs?

Cory:
Well, the man's got the sperm and the woman's got the egg. Now, once a month an egg slides down the "Phillippine tube" towards the uterus.

Cory:
The first sperm to reach the egg wins. It gets a medal, it's born, ya name 'em "Cory", ya push 'em out the door, and nothing makes sense for the rest of his life.

Miss Kelly:
Well, congratulations; you seem to have a thorough understanding of the life cycle.

Cory:
Hey, I live it!

Eric:
Nothing happened.

Cory:
Yeah, and it DIDN'T happen in Mom and Dad's bed. I have you. I have you by your ovaries.

Cory:
I miss Linda

Shawn:
Yeah, I miss Linda too... and Stacey.

Cory:
And Debbie.

Shawn:
Yeah, and Debbie.

Cory:
There is no Debbie!

Shawn:
Huh? Then how come I miss her so much?

Cory:
Because you're nuts!

Shawn:
Cory, I have got something incredible to tell you. But for security reasons, I am going to use our code.

Cory:
Well, we don't have a code, Shawn.

Shawn:
Really? Guys like us should have a code.

Cory:
Well, you know, we'll bring that up at the next meeting.

Shawn:
So when's our next meeting?

Cory:
Shawn, we don't have meetings!

Shawn:
This club blows!

Cory:
So, do you know what the best part of being a virgin is?

Shawn Hunter:
What?

Cory:
No, I'm asking.

Cory:
You get Feeny this year?

Shawn:
Yeah. You?

Cory:
Yeah. Which courses?

Shawn:
All of them.

Cory:
Yeah, me too.

[Cory and Shawn have a band named The Exits]

Shawn:
You know, there was one point there where I thought that we really had them. They were screaming EXITS! EXITS!

Cory:
Shawn, they were looking for a way out!

[after Topanga changes the rear-view mirror position while Cory drives and Cory makes her change it back]

Cory:
Great! Now I can see if there are any cars coming up my crotch!

Sergeant Moore:
Boy you are disgrace to this community, this country, and humanity in general!

Eric:
Oh, wow!

Shawn Hunter:
Gotta love Halloween. It really brings people together.

Topanga:
I mean, don't you find it... sexy, Cory?

Cory:
"Cory" and "sexy" in the same sentence. [chuckles] Weh-heh-hell, I do believe your resolve is weakening, my little kumquat.

Eric:
Hey, Artie.

Arthur:
It's Arthur.

Eric:
You're up for the same internship.

Arthur:
Eric, I'm going to save you the embarrassment. I'm a straight A student, my documentaries have gone to multiple film festival honors, and I have a letter of recommendation from Ted Turner.

Eric:
Your point?

Arthur:
I could walk in without pants and get this job.

Eric:
I've seen you in gym class, Arthur, wear pants.

Caterer:
Quiche?

Eric:
Don't mind if I do. [kisses her]

[Eric and Jennifer Love Fefferman have been killed by the murderer]

Jack:
Eric! Feffie... Eric, he was my friend, my roomate! I didn't really know her.

Jack:
Wait, without Eric I can't afford to live in my apartment anymore. If I can't afford to live in my apartment anymore, then I don't want to live!

[Jack runs to windowsill and prepares to jump]

Angela Moore:
Wait Jack, Shawn is still your roommate, together you can make the rent.

Jack:
Ok, let's go back inside now.

Jack, Angela Moore:
Ahhhh!

[Jack and Angela fall to their doom]

Shawn Hunter:
[when Topanga moves away, breaking his "TV is like life" philosophy] What the hell kind of TV show is this?

Shawn Hunter:
Maybe you haven't heard of Jennifer Lopez versus Carmen Electra on Celebrity Death Match... in pudding... on ponies.

Rider Strong:
Hey, banana boy? Wanna be a star?

Stuart:
Any more questions, George?

Mr. George Feeny:
Just one. Is it okay, if I rip off your head, and roll it down the hall way?

Cory:
[discussing Cory and Topanga's breakup, and that Topanga went out with another guy the night before. Shawn has lost hope for the relationship] So we're the only two guys in the world who think there's still hope for Topanga and me, and you're throwing in the towel?

Shawn Hunter:
[nods] Yeah.

Cory:
Okay, all right. [turns away]

Shawn Hunter:
You okay?

Cory:
Yeah, sure. It's a strange feeling though.

Cory:
What, that it's finally over between you and Topanga?

Cory:
[turns back to face Shawn] No, being the only person who knows it's not.

Shawn Hunter:
[Cory and Shawn are discussing Cory and Topanga's recent breakup] Cory, Topanga went out with another guy last night. I'm really sorry, man.

Cory:
So we're the only two people in the world who still have hope for Topanga and me, and you're throwing in the towel?

Shawn Hunter:
[nods] Sorry, Cory.

Cory:
All right. [turns away]

Shawn Hunter:
You okay?

Cory:
Yeah, sure. It's a strange feeling, though.

Shawn Hunter:
What, knowing that it's finally over between you and Topanga?

Cory:
[turns back to face Shawn] No, being the only one who knows it's not.

Cory:
[remarking on how he can't learn geography because it keep changing] Why can't geography be like history? We always win World War Two, Lincoln always gets shot...

Mr. George Feeny:
Lincoln got off easy.

Shawn:
Cory, there co-ed bathrooms. Girls shower in there, NAKED!

Cory:
[talking to Topanga, who is considering calling off their wedding because her parents divorced] If every marriage failed except one, I guarantee you that one would be ours.

Alan Matthews:
[Morgan is going out on a date with a boy in the 8th grade] The 8th grade? What's wrong with the boys in the 5th grade?

Morgan Matthews:
I'm in the 7th grade, Dad!

Cory:
What if he's just like Feeny, only... Feenier?

Cory:
Mommy, its me, Cory! you used to wipe my tushy!

Cory:
[his grandma gets him a baseball card] Where did you get this?

Grandma Matthews:
Where did I get it? I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die... Then, I pulled this card out of his cold, dead fingers... Or I bought it at a swap meet for six bucks, you make the call!

Cory:
You gave me bad advise in a dream!

Mr. George Feeny:
I'm not responsible for dream Feeny!

[Mr. Feeny has just given Eric back his paper]

Eric:
Oh... Mr. Feeny, you didn't finish your sentence. A... what?

Eric:
Oh my God! He killed Kenny!

Cory:
We'll always know he was this tall.

Cory:
My dad's a grocer. I'm a grocer's son. I'm a son-of-a-grocer!

Cory:
[after a date at a poetry reading] I love poetry now! You know, I could be a poet: There once was a boy named Cory.

Eric:
Who now has an interesting story!

Cory:
He learned about kissin'...

Eric:
And all he was missin'...

Shawn Hunter:
When he and Topanga made out!

Cory:
[to Shawn] Can you say summer school?

Cory:
I'm thinking of becoming a poet. There once was a boy named Cory...

Eric:
Who has an interesting story...

Cory:
He learned about kissing...

Eric:
And all he was missing...

Shawn Hunter:
When he and Topanga made out!

Cory:
[to Shawn] Can you say, "Summer school?"

Jack:
She got sick and said that chicken soup would help her feel better. I told her it probably would. Then I went bowling.

Eric:
Guys, I've come to a conclusion: Men are idiots.

Eric, Cory, Alan, Shawn Hunter, Mr. George Feeny, Jack:
What?

Eric:
Wait! There's more! Men are big idiots.

Eric, Cory, Alan, Shawn Hunter, Mr. George Feeny, Jack:
Hmm... yeah.

TV voice:
Now, there are two arctic caribou, where previously, there were not one, but none.

Mr. George Feeny:
[Rachel, Eric, Cory and Topanga are playing the Fianc? Game, and Mr. Feeny has been selected to read the questions] Okay, Rachel, what is Eric's favorite fish?

Rachel McGuire:
Umm... penguin!

Mr. George Feeny:
No, I don't think you understand...

Eric:
[Flips up paper with the word penguin written on it] BAM!

Rachel McGuire:
Oh, do I know my man?

Eric:
It's like we share the same brain.

[Eric is reading a ltter from Cory]

Cory:
[voiceover] Dear Eric, You think I'm safe. Well, I'm not. I'm dangerous. I'm going to the amusement park with Mr. Feeny.

Eric:
[stops reading] With Mr. Feeny? [continues]

Cory:
Yes, with Mr. Feeny.

[Cory is in the hospital, and is under anesthesia]

Cory:
I'll have the soup. What are you going to have King Louis?

Topanga:
I don't sweat, I glisten.

Shawn Hunter:
[hands her a towel] Well, you're glistening like a pig.

Mr. George Feeny:
[Cory's class is reading the Scarlet Letter] I now return you to your lesson on...

Mr. George Feeny:
[looks at board] the letter A. Keep up the good work

[Cory, Topanga, Shawn, Angela, Eric, and Jack are trapped in the high school with a murderer. He has just now murdered Mr. Feeny. They are hiding in a classroom trying to figure out what to do next]

Topanga:
Feeny's dead... Feeny's dead! Mr. Feeny is dead!

Cory:
Feeny can't die, how can Feeny die?

Shawn Hunter:
He was the first suspect. It's my fault, the second I suspected him, I signed his death warrant.

Angela:
Well, is any one of us safe?

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, virgins. Virgins never die.

Cory:
All right! [to Topanga] Thanks for saving me.

Eric:
[happily] I'm dead!

Jack:
I'm dead.

Shawn Hunter:
I'll get as sick as you can get without actually... dying.

Angela:
Feeny, he's dead.

[Eric and Shawn lock eyes, thinking the exact same thing]

Eric:
All right!

Shawn Hunter, Eric:
[cheering and signing] Go, Feeny, go, Feeny, go...

Cory:
[annoyed] Okay! Listen. As happy as I am for Feeny, I am scared to death here.

Mr. George Feeny:
Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new book every six months! Your generation gets a new web page every 6 seconds. And how do you use this technology? To try and beat King Koopa, and rescue the princess. Shame on you. You deserve what you get. [Bell rings]

Mr. George Feeny:
Sit down. Stay where you are. For the first time, I choose to walk out on you.

[Topanga is choking him]

Shawn Hunter:
[looks upward] Dad! I'm comin'!

Eric:
[shouts] Sneak attack!

Morgan Matthews #2:
That was the longest time out I've ever had.

Topanga:
[Topanga reveals that she is not pregnant, just dieting because she believes she is fat] That's why Eric and I went on a diet. [points to Eric]

Eric:
[stuffing his face with food] I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.

Cory:
Look for the union label, is anybody behind me, my Shawn?

Eric:
[to Cory] I want you to know, in this, your darkest hour of your teenage life, I trying really hard not laugh! [Cracks up laughing]

Mr. George Feeny:
[Eric is begging] Oh have some dignity, man!

Mr. George Feeny:
Mr Matthews, what was I just talking aboout?

Cory:
[stutters] Uhhh...

Mr. George Feeny:
Ok, Mr. Hunter, what was I just talking about?

Shawn Hunter:
President Roosevelt and the New Deal.

Mr. George Feeny:
[clutches heart] O dear lord he's right.

Shawn Hunter:
Hey Mr. Feeny, it's been my answer for two years. It had to pay off sometime!

Cory:
[On a road trip with Eric, wanting to go home] I want to go home and here's why, I'm completely out of clean underwear.

Eric:
Big deal. I ran out a week ago. I'm sittin' pretty.

Cory:
I don't know if you've noticed, but I've also run out of pants.

Eric:
[Looks] Ahhh!

Cory:
I wanna go home!

Eric:
I want you in pants!

Jonathan Turner:
I carry this helmet to keep my head from going splat. Why do you carry that guitar case?

Cory:
To protect my sandwich

Shawn Hunter:
[to Cory] She just broke up with her boyfriend, you know, the quarterback guy.

Mary Beth:
How does he know that?

Shawn Hunter:
I dreamed it, Miss Birth Mark On Her Tukas!

Amy Matthews:
Alan, remember how we were worried about Eric's F-U-T-U-R-E?

Eric:
Oh mom, you don't have to worry about my furniture.

Shawn Hunter:
[Cory and Shawn imagine themselves as old men; they are in Chubby's] So how long have you been married?

Cory:
What?

Shawn Hunter:
[louder] How long you been married?

Cory:
Who?

Shawn Hunter:
[shouting] How long you been married?

Cory:
They *want* you to take the rolls!

Cory:
[in the principal's office] Now my name is Johnny Baboon, at least my life can't get any worse

Mr. George Feeny:
[turns from his desk chair] Wrong again... Mr. Baboon

Cory:
MR. FEENY!

Mr. George Feeny:
The legend continues

Cory:
How can this be, you're only temporary right, you don't have the full authority to authorize detention or caning, right?

Mr. George Feeny:
Oh, the school board and its infinite wisdom has been set to give me full authority

Mr. George Feeny:
Well Mr. Matthews, why don't we call this a dress rehersal for the many visits we will endoubtly have this year.

Cory:
Huh?

Mr. George Feeny:
Get out of my face.

Cory:
Sure, my next class is American History with Mr, Um... Feeny... Mr... Fay... ayy

[the bell rings]

Mr. George Feeny:
You're late!

Mr. Turner:
Hunter, Matthews, stand up!

Shawn:
I didn't do it.

Mr. Turner:
Uh huh. Anyway, Hunter, who's your best friend?

Shawn:
Um... you are, sir!

Mr. Turner:
Good answer. Matthews, who's your best friend?

Cory:
Shawn is.

Mr. Turner:
And what would you do to someone who messes with your best friend?

Cory:
I'd kill him.

Mr. Turner:
And on that note, I'd like to introduce you to your new teacher and my friend Mr. Williams. So if any of you mess with him, I'll kill you.

Cory:
I'm gonna be unstoppable.

Cory:
I'm eleven years old. Come on, I'm on a schedule here.

Amy Matthews:
[to Alan] You're grounded.

Cory:
Does that really work? Can she really ground you?

Alan Matthews:
In certain ways, yes.

Cory:
[sees Topanga kiss another guy after their break-up] Why doesn't Topanga just rip my heart out and stomp on it?

Shawn Hunter:
She can't. She's busy making out.

Cory:
Maybe I'm dreaming. Pinch me!... Not on the butt!

Shawn Hunter:
Sorry. It was just, right there.

George Feeny:
[after telling Eric that the college accepting him does not exist] But seriously... Boris College?

Eric Matthews:
Mr. Feeny, you think that's bad? You see that girl over there? She thinks she's going to some school called Duke!

[giggles]

Eric Matthews:
Are you gonna tell her or should I?

Jonathan Turner:
Hi everybody! Welcome to the second or... third or... whatever annual fashion thing.

Jonathan Turner:
[presenting the school fashion show] If you see anything you like for your kids, there's order forms on the table. If you have any questions, don't ask me 'cause this is the nicest thing I own. [points at his tie]

Eric Matthews:
Hey Mr. Feeny, I took your advice. I'm not going to let this Boris fiasco faze me. For every rejection they sent me I'm gonna send out five more applications. I mean, somebody's gotta cave. Or make a clerical error!

Cory:
[Morgan Matthews hadn't been seen for eight months and eight days at this point when it originally aired] You know, why can't you guys learn from Morgan? She is a great sister. I mean, she stays in her room, you don't hear from her, you don't see her, and best of all, she stays out of my personal life.

Morgan Matthews:
[Comes down the stairs] So, the rumor upstairs is you got a date.

Cory:
Morgan, long time, no see!

Morgan Matthews:
Yeah, that was the longest timeout I've ever had!

Cory:
That was such a great movie. How was the one you saw?

Melissa:
Nice, but we missed you.

Cory:
Well, I was only one theater over. That's the beauty of multiplexes. I mean, it wasn't actually like we were gonna do a lot of talking anyway, right? [Shawn and Katie have started kissing on the other side of the table]

Melissa:
Well, there were other things we could have done.

Cory:
Could have, should have, let's not live in the past.

Cory:
Why doesn't Topanga just rip my heart out and stamp on it?

Shawn Hunter:
She can, but she's busy making out.

Topanga Lawrence:
Cory, I gotta tell you something. The other day when you said you didn't wanna be my friend... You really hurt me.

Cory:
Yeah, and I felt great when I saw you kissing that guy.

Topanga Lawrence:
Cory, Nick has nothing to do with you.

Cory:
Must you use his name?

Topanga Lawrence:
What do you want me to call him?

Cory:
Sally! I want you to call him Sally!

Topanga Lawrence:
Cory? Thanks for coming.

Cory:
I'd never not be there for you.

Eric Matthews:
It's all about letters, isn't it, Mr. Feeny? I got the wrong letters on my report card, and I'm getting the wrong letters now.

George Feeny:
I must say, I'm very pleased that you take the idea of college so seriously. It's that determination that just might get you there.

Amy Matthews:
Are you here now?

Morgan Matthews:
Yeah.

Amy Matthews:
Were you here before?

Morgan Matthews:
No. I was in my room for a *really* long time.

Cory Matthews:
No, I just think I want to stay here.

Eric Matthews:
Listen, Cor, I know I'm your older brother and everything, but, uh... I don't know how to protect you from this one.

Cory Matthews:
Could you just stay here with me?

Eric Matthews:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm not going anywhere, man.

Cory Matthews:
It's a little tension breaker.

Cory Matthews:
Shawn, you know that pain that everyone's talking about?

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah?

Cory Matthews:
I think I'm starting to feel it.

Cory Matthews:
I didn't even say goodbye, Eric.

Eric Matthews:
That's alright. You'll say goodbye the next time you say hello.

Mr. George Feeny:
I believe that when you find love, you hold on to it and cherish it because there is nothing finer, and it may never come again.

Aunt Prudence Curtis:
Hello, I am Topanga's aunt.

Eric Matthews:
Now how is that possible, because my aunt looks like an elephant.

Aunt Prudence Curtis:
[steps forward] Prudence Curtis, I'm Topanga's aunt.

Mr. George Feeny:
[steps forward as well] George Feeny, I'm Topanga's teacher.

Aunt Prudence Curtis:
Well, I don't know that I appreciate what you are teaching these children, sir. To plant wild ideas about true love in young undeveloped minds is as irresponsible as my sister and brother-in-law ripping her from the only environment she's ever known. At this... delicate time.

Mr. George Feeny:
Madam, if you choose to question my opinions, then you disregard 38 years in the public school system, where I have born the responsibility of those opinions for 30,000 students. None held in higher regard than Mr. Matthews and Ms. Lawrence.

Cory Matthews:
[sits up excitedly] You like me?

Mr. George Feeny:
Stay out of this.

Aunt Prudence Curtis:
The only thing I presume, sir, is that you are as verbose as you are snappy.

Mr. George Feeny:
Well, then. There we are.

Amy Matthews:
Okay Cory, you educate me. You tell me what love means to you.

Cory Matthews:
Mom listen, I haven't been with Topanga for 22 years but we have been together for 16. Ok, that's a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together around the block. When we were 2 we were best friends. I mean I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color, I knew her favorite food. Then we got to be 6 and Eric made fun of me because it wasn't cool to have a best friend that's a girl, or even know a girl.

Eric Matthews:
Yeah, and you listened to me. Idiot.

Cory Matthews:
So for the next 7 years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those years the lost years.

Topanga Lawrence:
You were the one who made him throw dirt me?

Eric Matthews:
You were a girl, noogie head.

Cory Matthews:
Then when I was 13 Mom, she put me up against my locker, she kissed me. I mean she, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance, she always was talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said, all I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about. And when I'm with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that's, that's what I think is love Mom. When I'm better because she's here. And now she won't be. So I'm finished.

Topanga Lawrence:
I think it's a good thing that Cory is the only boy I've ever loved. And I was looking forward to doing all of the things that people do who are in love. With Cory. And not just with some guy in Pittsburgh because I'm there.

Cory Matthews:
Topanga I don't know what to do ok, everyone seems to want us apart. Except Dad, Dad listen you really haven't said anything during this whole time. Are you going to let her take her away?

Alan Matthews:
I don't think I'm going to have to.

Cory Matthews:
What?

Alan Matthews:
Well you know you may have known Topanga since you were born but I've known your mother like, forever, ok?

Cory Matthews:
So?

Alan Matthews:
So, what I know about your mother, besides her favorite food and color, spaghetti and red, and the thing that I respect in her the most is that she has always put her faith in love. When she sees it, when she recognizes it. Which is why she chose me when her parents told her not to.

Cory Matthews:
Yeah, but Dad she wants us to have other relationships.

Alan Matthews:
Love is faith Cory. Do you love your mother?

Cory Matthews:
Yeah of course I do.

Alan Matthews:
Then have faith.

Amy Matthews:
Topanga, your parents don't know you're here, do they?

Eric Matthews:
No. No, they don't.

Alan Matthews:
Topanga, your parents are gonna be very worried about you.

Topanga Lawrence:
Why would they be worried about me now? They weren't worried about me when they decided to move. I told them how much Cory meant to me and how I couldn't be away from him. I guess I was too young to say things like that, that I didn't know.

Alan Matthews:
So you ran away from them?

Topanga Lawrence:
I ran away to Cory.

Alan Matthews:
Okay... It just got serious now.

Amy Matthews:
Topanga, I'm gonna have to call them.

Cory Matthews:
No, Mom! Didn't you hear what she just said? Her parents don't understand her. Just like you two don't understand me. We want to be together, okay? That's what we want!

Amy Matthews:
Topanga, I know you miss Cory. But to come here, without your parent's permission, that's just wrong!

Cory Matthews:
How could it be wrong, Mom, if she loves me enough to do that? I mean, I'm sorry I didn't do it myself.

Mr. George Feeny:
Even though this isn't a classroom at the moment, would you mind if I taught you a lesson anyway?

Topanga Lawrence:
Please.

Mr. George Feeny:
Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I cared for someone as deeply as you two care for each other now.

Cory Matthews:
You believe we love each other?

Mr. George Feeny:
And for no reason I understood, my wife was taken from me, and I haven't been so deeply in love since.

Cory Matthews:
[to Topanga] Feeny believes we love each other!

Mr. George Feeny:
I believe that when you find love, you hold on to it, and cherish it! Because there is nothing finer, and may never come again. And that, my dears, is the most important thing I could teach you.

Alan Matthews:
I called your folks, Topanga, and let them know that you were here, and that you're all right.

Amy Matthews:
And later on...

Cory Matthews:
Later on what, Mom? She's going back to her house? Fine, I'm going with her. We can do this again there.

Alan Matthews:
Cory, you live here, Topanga lives in Pittsburgh. I didn't do it. Stop jumping on me!

Cory Matthews:
No, no, Mom, I'm not jumping on you because of where we live, all right? I'm jumping on you because you seem happy about this. I mean, why don't you want us to be together?

Eric Matthews:
[comes into the room] I hear yellin'.

Cory:
My puddin trunk!

Cory:
Hey, thanks for raisin' me! See ya.

Morgan Matthews:
Yeah, come on, guys, let's go. Time is money. See you in four years. [she starts to leave the room]

Cory:
I'll miss you, Morgan.

Morgan Matthews:
That's not fair! [she runs into a hug with Cory]

Topanga Lawrence:
Why are all those guys talking to Shawn's girlfriend?

Cory Matthews:
Well, Shawn and Jennifer broke up this morning. Look at her, she's already on the prowl!

Topanga Lawrence:
Well, how's Shawn taking it?

Cory Matthews:
Are you kidding? Shawn is Shawn. You can't keep Shawn down. Get up, Shawn. [the camera pans out to reveal Shawn laying down against his locker]

Cory Matthews:
[from behind a book case in the library] Shawn!

Shawn Hunter:
Cory? Is that you?

Cory Matthews:
No, it's the audio book section, you moron.

Cory Matthews:
We gotta meet.

Shawn Hunter:
Where?

Cory Matthews:
Paris!

Shawn Hunter:
That's the first place she'd look!

Jennifer Bassett:
So it was your best friend Cory who made you say these bad, bad things, hm?

Shawn Hunter:
Like I'd ever tell you. [Jennifer kisses Shawn] Cory Matthews, son of Alan and Amy, grandson of Nana and Sam.

Cory Matthews:
How could you sell out my Nana!

Topanga Lawrence:
Why are all those guys talking to Shawn's girlfriend?

Cory Matthews:
Well, Shawn and Jennifer broke up this morning. Look at her. She's already on the prowl.

Topanga Lawrence:
Well, how is Shawn taking it?

Cory Matthews:
Are you kidding? Shawn is Shawn. You can't keep Shawn down.

[Shawn is revealed to be lying on the floor looking pathetic]

Cory Matthews:
Get up Shawn.

Shawn Hunter:
She dumped me. She dumped me good. I didn't even see it coming.

Cory Matthews:
Look what they done to my boy.

Cory Matthews:
I didn't want to say this when you were going out with her but if you ask me Shawn, Jennifer Bassett is one stuck up conceited girl.

Shawn Hunter:
You think so?

Cory Matthews:
Oh yeah. Nose way up in the air and frankly Shawn I'm not even sure it's her real nose.

Shawn Hunter:
What do you mean?

Cory Matthews:
Plastic. Just like her personality.

Shawn Hunter:
You know what I think Jen? I think you're conceited! Yeah, that's right conceited and stuck up and something about your nose.

Jennifer Bassett:
What about my nose?

Shawn Hunter:
Um.

Jennifer Bassett:
Who said something about my nose?

Shawn Hunter:
Um.

Cory Matthews:
[Shawn looks at Cory with a "help me" look] Um.

Jennifer Bassett:
So it was your best friend Cory who made you say these bad, bad things hmm?

Shawn Hunter:
Like I'd ever tell you.

[she kisses him]

Shawn Hunter:
Cory Matthews. Son of Amy and Alan. Grandson of Nana and Sam.

Cory Matthews:
How could you sell out my Nana?

[Cory and Shawn are in the school library]

Cory Matthews:
Shawn!

Shawn Hunter:
Cory? Is that you?

Cory Matthews:
No, it's the audiobook section you moron!

Cory Matthews:
I think Jennifer, or should I say Zathrak the Undead, is a stuck up, manipulative, cold-blooded... Oh she's right behind me anticipating my head meat isn't she?

Jennifer Bassett:
Hello Cory.

Cory Matthews:
All hail Zathrak.

Eric Matthews:
It's about time you kids got home. It's almost eleven o'clock I was worried sick! I had Feeny looking for you. I called the police.

Amy Matthews:
Really?

Eric Matthews:
Nah. I didn't even know you left.

Cory Matthews:
So you're writing a play?

Eric Matthews:
Yep.

Cory Matthews:
About you?

Eric Matthews:
Yeah. You know let me bounce the opening off you.

Cory Matthews:
Let me bounce this off you. Nobody cares.

Eric Matthews:
Oh they'll care. They'll care because I have a human life and when you look at my human life there is all these amazing moments that just pop out. Landmark moments that, when you put them down on paper, they just explode right off the page. Wake up damn you.

Amy Matthews:
[about Eric and Mr. Feeny] Those two are great together.

Cory Matthews:
I was hoping you'd come alone.

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, I tried but you-know-who wouldn't hear of it. I think she suspects.

Cory Matthews:
Hey, I understand that she's important to you.

Shawn Hunter:
We both know that this would happen eventually.

Cory Matthews:
Getting older.

Shawn Hunter:
Meeting girls.

Cory Matthews:
Having relationships with those girls.

Shawn Hunter:
Which means there is less time for...

Cory Matthews, Shawn Hunter:
Best friends...

Cory Matthews:
To spend time together.

Shawn Hunter:
It's only natural.

Cory Matthews:
Sure, natural.

George Feeny:
Eric, in the play of your life all your great scenes lie ahead of you.

Eric Matthews:
So you're saying in thirty or forty years I could write a play that you would wanna come and see?

George Feeny:
No, tonight pretty much killed any interest I had in the theater.

Eric Matthews:
Mr. Feeny you know everything. Where does my life go from here?

George Feeny:
Well, now, you have passion. You have drive. You certainly have guts. I frankly can't wait to see what happens to you.

Eric Matthews:
So you're not gonna tell me to give up my life as an actor and go get a college education?

George Feeny:
Eric I told you to get a college education ten-thousand times. I don't have to tell you anymore.

Eric Matthews:
What about my life as an actor?

George Feeny:
Get a college education.

Eric Matthews:
What's your name?

Jennifer Love Fefferman:
Jennifer Love Fefferman.

Eric Matthews:
May I call you Feffie?

Jennifer Love Fefferman:
Everyone does.

Eric Matthews:
Oh my Gosh! They killed Kenny!

[after hearing the squeaking of the janitor's garbage can]

Angela Moore:
It's coming closer! He's coming! He's coming for all of us!

Eric Matthews:
Killer, killer... and I know you're gonna tell me you're not the killer... 'cause you're beautiful and...

Jennifer Love Fefferman:
I'm not the killer.

Eric Matthews:
I believe you.

[starts kissing her]

Angela Moore:
But that would mean...

Eric Matthews:
Dun, Dun, Dun.

Cory Matthews:
The killer is one of us.

Shawn Hunter:
Like in 'The Killer is One of Us.'

Eric Matthews:
Dun, Dun, Dun.

Topanga Lawrence-Matthews:
Enough already!

Shawn Hunter:
Why? Do we upset you?

Topanga Lawrence-Matthews:
Yes.

Cory Matthews:
Upset you enough... to kill?

Eric Matthews:
Dun, dun, dun. I'm done.

Angela Moore:
Well, is anyone of us safe?

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, Virgins! Virgins never die!

Cory Matthews:
[Turns to Topanga] All right! Thanks for saving me.

Eric Matthews:
[proud of himself] I'm dead.

Jack Hunter:
I'm dead.

Shawn Hunter:
I'll get as sick as you can get without actually dying.

Angela Moore:
Feeny, he's dead.

Shawn Hunter, Eric Matthews:
[sing-songy] Go, Feeny! Go, Feeny! Go, Feeny!

Shawn Hunter:
Something horrible is about to walk through that door right... NOW!

[Door opens to reveal Jack and Eric]

Eric Matthews:
Hidey-Ho!

Eric Matthews:
Oh my God, they killed Feeny!

Angela Moore:
There's blood on the blackboard, Shawn, I don't think it's because he ran out of chalk!

Shawn Hunter:
[everybody hears the squeaking of the janitor's approaching cart] Don-don't say it, don't!

Cory Matthews:
The janitor's the killer!

Shawn Hunter:
And that's the end of the janitor!

Eric Matthews:
[talking on the phone] Oh hey,

[to everybody]

Eric Matthews:
It's the killer. Uh huh, uh huh, okay, bye.

[hangs up]

Cory Matthews:
What did he say? Was he mad?

Eric Matthews:
He said what all killers say. He's going to come and kill us, he wants us to wait right here.

[everybody runs off]

Shawn Hunter:
Can you believe this? Feeny locked us in!

Cory Matthews:
He can't do that! It's against the Geneva Detention Convention.

Angela Moore:
There's blood on the black board! I don't think it's because he ran out of chalk Shawn!

Cory Matthews:
I didn't think seniors still got detention.

George Feeny:
They do when they act like two-year-olds.

Cory Matthews:
[mockingly] They do when they act like two-year-olds.

George Feeny:
Mr. Matthews when one mocks someone one should wait until they're not looking right at them.

Cory Matthews:
I'm not in my regular seat.

George Feeny:
This class will not be more interested in the romantic goings on of its students than it is in whatever the hell I'm teaching!

Kenny:
All I wanted was a pencil.

Cory Matthews:
Oh shut up Kenny! You're lucky to even be here.

Kenny:
I don't happen to see it that way.

Angela Moore:
This doesn't make any sense.

Shawn Hunter:
It does if you've seen as many horror movies as I have. This is classic. The locked door, the scary janitor, the bloody warning and... our soon to be first victim.

[Everyone looks at Kenny]

Kenny:
Me? Why me?

Cory Matthews:
Well, Kenny, it's certainly not going to be any of us.

Shawn Hunter:
[standing up] Mr. Feeny. I'm sure if you recall the pain of being stabbed in the back by the girlfriend...

Topanga Lawrence:
[also standing up] I didn't stab him! He stabbed me!

Cory Matthews:
[standing up as well] Oh, I'd stab myself before stabbing you! Kenny, give me your pencil!

Kenny:
I don't have one!

George Feeny:
Something bad happened, Mr. Hunter, and for the first time, you're not responsible for it.

Shawn Hunter:
Then how come I feel so bad?

George Feeny:
Well, because you're a troubled young man. I recognize that from the movie "The Troubled Young Man."

Jack Hunter:
[Jack finds Eric and Jennifer dead] Eric! Feffy! Eric! He was my friend, my roommate! I didn't really know her.

[after Feeny dies]

Eric Matthews:
Wait a minute, the killer's dead! We're off the hook! Up top!

Scream-Like Killer Voice:
What's your favorite scary movie?

Jack Hunter:
Oooh! Well, I like the one with the hottie-hot-hot from Party of Five.

Jennifer Love Fefferman:
Neve Campbell?

Eric Matthews:
Duh.

Cory Matthews:
[Kenny is found dead, stabbed in the head with a pencil; his body slides down the wall. Cory points to a spot of blood on the wall] We'll always remember he was that tall.

Cory Matthews:
Topanga... do we upset you?

Topanga Lawrence-Matthews:
Yes!

Cory Matthews:
Upset you enough... to kill?

Shawn Hunter:
Well, Cory and Topanga aren't together anymore.

George Feeny:
Yes, I know. I, too, read "Teen Beat," Mr. Hunter.

Shawn Hunter:
[Every horror cliche he has predicted has come true] Why won't you believe me? It's all so predictable.

Jack Hunter:
Oh, yeah? Then what's going to happen next?

Shawn Hunter:
First, there'll be some strange, shrouded figure that none of us will see. [They all turn around and don't see anybody; the killer creeps across them in front] Then the lights will flicker and Feeny will pop up and reveal his master plan to us.

P.A. Announcer:
[the lights flicker] Here's a knife. Here's a gun. There'll be fun for everyone. Death is on the menu tonight! [Feeny appears in the hallway; the others laugh]

Cory Matthews:
Mr. Feeny, I have got to hand it to you. You have really outdone yourself this time. I mean, killing Kenny, obvious choice. But the pencil! George! I mean, that was genius!

Shawn Hunter:
I knew it was you all along. What's the big lesson? What were you trying to teach us? [He pats Feeny on the back; Feeny falls to his knees, then on his face, a pair of scissors sticking out of his back. Topanga falls to her knees]

Eric Matthews:
Oh my gosh! They killed Feeny! [Everybody runs away]

Shawn Hunter:
I was wrong!

Eric Matthews:
Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good evening, good afternoon, and good night!

Cory Matthews:
You can't punish us, we're in college now.

Alan Matthews:
Oh yeah? How about if I hit you so hard you're both back in high school?

Alan Matthews:
[to Cory and Shawn] You two might be in college but you still have a lot of growing up to do.

George Feeny:
[trying to persuade Amy and Alan to name their new baby George] It's of nice Germanic background, meaning 'Look out, the sheep are coming'.

Amy Matthews:
Look Out, the Sheep are Coming Matthews, we'll consider that.

Sergeant Moore:
Matthews!

Eric Matthews:
Sir, yes sir!

Sergeant Moore:
You are a disgrace to this university, to this country and humanity in general!

Eric Matthews:
Hahaha wow!

Sergeant Moore:
[about Shawn] I like this boy. But I like my country more. And I don't want this boy anywhere *near* the army!

Angela Moore:
[Shawn and Sergeant Moore are standing in Angela's doorway, dressed in their army uniforms] Will you stop bothering my father?

Sergeant Moore:
I asked him to come here, Angela.

Angela Moore:
Why?

Sergeant Moore:
Because I'm leaving and I wanted to say goodbye and I wanted to know that you are all right.

Angela Moore:
Yeah, well I'm better than all right. I'm in my new apartment with my friends, looking forward to the next part of *my* life.

Topanga Lawrence:
That's right, Sergeant Moore.

Rachel McGuire:
Three women together.

Sergeant Moore:
Dismissed!

Topanga Lawrence:
Yes, sir.

Rachel McGuire:
Gone sir!

Angela Moore:
There is no relationship! You don't know what you're talking about.

Shawn Hunter:
Hey, he told me, okay?

Angela Moore:
Oh, no. How could you do that?

Shawn Hunter:
How could *you've* not tell me?

Angela Moore:
That my mother walked out on me just like your mother walked out on you?

Shawn Hunter:
Yes! Don't you think I would've understood? Don't you think that that would have brought us closer together?

Angela Moore:
Yes! I don't want to be closer together!

Shawn Hunter:
Why not?

Sergeant Moore:
Yeah, why not?

Angela Moore:
Because I don't want to hurt you.

Shawn Hunter:
What are you talking about? You're already killing me. How are you going to hurt me more if you love me?

Angela Moore:
I can't love you.

Shawn Hunter:
Why not?

Angela Moore:
[crying] Because.

Shawn Hunter:
Because why?

Angela Moore:
Because I'll leave you! [She starts moving towards the stairs but Sergeant Moore stops her by grabbing her arms]

Sergeant Moore:
No. Nuh-uh, nuh-uh no. Do *not* surrender to this! I did not raise a daughter to surrender! [He takes her hands in his] You are not your mother. You're you! The difference between your mother and you, is that she was not in love. And you are.

Angela Moore:
Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Sergeant Moore:
It's okay. *I'm* okay. But this is about you. I just want you to be happy, but how can you ever be happy if you're afraid to tell the man you love that you love him? [Angela walks back over to Shawn]

Angela Moore:
I love you! I love you so much! I just don't want to hurt you anymore.

Shawn Hunter:
I love you too. I always have.

Sergeant Moore:
You take care of my daughter, young man.

Shawn Hunter:
Sir, yes sir.

Sergeant Moore:
What are you trying to prove, Hunter? Everybody else quit! One of your buddies is surrendering in the garbage can! You know, you are the one who dropped my daughter! Why are you working so hard to impress me? Why don't you impress your own father!

Shawn Hunter:
My father's dead, sir!

Sergeant Moore:
Well, impress your mother then!

Shawn Hunter:
My mother's gone too, sir!

Sergeant Moore:
Both your parents died, boy?

Shawn Hunter:
My mother abandoned us, sir!

Sergeant Moore:
What?

Shawn Hunter:
Two times!

Sergeant Moore:
Your mother walked out on your family?

Shawn Hunter:
Yes, sir! She had some issues, sir!

Sergeant Moore:
Relax, kid. We're just talking.

Shawn Hunter:
It really tore my father up. We never really recovered. I-uh-I haven't trusted a relationship since then. Until Angela, sir.

Sergeant Moore:
[exasperated] But she doesn't seem to like you, son.

Sergeant Moore:
So, fill me in on this Shawn Hunter will you, Mr. Feeny?

George Feeny:
Well, I have seen Shawn overcome every obstacle that life has thrown at him and grow up to be one of the finest young men that I know.

Cory Matthews:
What about me? Tell him-tell him how much you like me.

George Feeny:
Shawn is a deeply sensitive and caring indivdual, and I've never seen him as happy as when he is in the company of your daughter, and I always thought that Angela felt the same way.

Sergeant Moore:
So they were real close?

Cory Matthews:
Until she ran away and do you know why she ran away?

Sergeant Moore:
Yeah, I think I do.

Sergeant Moore:
Topanga! She's poison but don't hate her, sir. She's my problem. I love her so much but poison she is!

[Topanga comes up and glares at Cory who flashes a goofy, innocent smile. Topanga walks past him and over to the front counter. As she leaves we see Eric hiding in the glass display, waiting for his moment to strike, his nose pressed right up against the glass]

George Feeny:
Under no circumstances, however, let your daughter go anywhere near him. [Feeny indicates Eric]

[In order to exact his revenge on Topanga, Eric is hiding in a print of "American Gothic" and is dressed as The Farmer. Jack stares at him and then at the floor and back at Eric]

Jack Hunter:
I beg you. I beg you to seek help.

Eric Matthews:
Oh, this is gonna be *so* sweet. Bye-bye Topanga.

Jack Hunter:
Alright, you know what? Topanga is too smart for you. Anyone is!

Eric Matthews:
Stay out of this, Jack. This is a one man mission. Will you help me?

Jack Hunter:
[as he walks away] No.

Eric Matthews:
Fine. I'll this myself. [He turns toward The Wife in the painting] You have a very large head. I don't know why I married you. [He reacts to being pinched on his behind] Hey!

Gumshoe:
[narrating, in voice over] It was one of those nights. You know the kind. Like day but... darker. We'd had 'em before. Except tonight, somebody was dead. Now, it was my job to catch a murderer and believe me. There were plenty of suspects. Him, her, not the cop, her, him, her, that guy next to her... that guy him and of course the guy with the hat.

[Gumshoe turns to the camera]

Gumshoe:
Not me. I'm the guy talking.

Topanga Matthews:
Responsibility is not popcorn or cartoons!

Cory Matthews:
[mockingly] Wahspons-a-bilwaty ig not popcor' or cartoo's

Gumshoe:
Hey, Dollface.

Trixie:
Hey.

Gumshoe:
I was talking to Fez-head.

Rory:
We was all relaxed and happy until she came along. You're a very good looking man, by the way.

Cory Matthews:
Topanga was a very good person.

Ella Fitzgerald-Kennedy:
Yeah, well now she's good and dead.

Receptionist:
She ain't gonna bother us no more!

Isaac 'Goodshot' Kelly:
She was a stress case man.

Gumshoe:
So somebody killed her. Now it's my job to find out whodunit. [Everyone whistles non-chalantly and heads for the door] Hey, hey, hey! Nobody move! You're all suspects. [They continue] Alright, you know, don't leave town.

Cory Matthews:
Hold on! [Everyone turns] Okay, you know maybe Topanga was a little annoying. And maybe sometimes she made me a little exasperated. But I never once thought of doing this! Alright maybe a little. But I never did it! Which is the difference between me [turns to face Rory] and you. Now, tell me. Why did you do it?

Rory:
I did it because she was ruining my good time. She was ruining our entire way of life.

Isaac 'Goodshot' Kelly:
Yeah, she was.

Receptionist:
Yeah!

Cory Matthews:
Why is that? Because in your hearts you knew she was right? Because you knew that even though she'd change you, it'd be for the better? That's why I need her in my life. And you know why she needs me?

Topanga Matthews:
I can't. I'm dead.

Cory Matthews:
No, you're not. This isn't real.

Gumshoe:
I knew that.

Cory Matthews:
This whole thing's a cartoon. It's pretend but I think it's what you needed.

Cory Matthews:
Cleaning is not relaxation.

Topanga Matthews:
Well, it's better than watching a duck with a speech impediment.

Cory Matthews:
[angry and defensive] Daffy is doing the best he can with what he has, alright?

Trixie:
Is this a bad time?

Gumshoe:
[narrating] I had a feeling that if it wasn't yet, it was gonna be.

Trixie:
Gonna be what?

Gumshoe:
What?

Trixie:
Well, I just heard you say...

Gumshoe:
No, I didn't.

Trixie:
But I heard you.

Gumshoe:
[narrating] She was as stubborn as a mule with twice the kick.

Trixie:
You did it again.

Gumshoe:
Did what?

Trixie:
[thinking] Maybe this was a mistake.

Gumshoe:
What?

Trixie:
I didn't say anything.

Gumshoe:
[thinking, confused] Yes, you did.

Trixie:
I know this may sound crazy but, I don't seem to know who I am or why I'm here. I seem to have lost track of my identity.

Gumshoe:
The case of the missing identity. I'm gonna need some ID

Rory:
What do you say we get hitched?

Trixie:
What?

Rory:
Yeah. You know. Tie the knot? Walk down the aisle? Make an honest man outta me?

Trixie:
You wanna marry me?

Rory:
Well, I hadn't really thought about it but sure, why not?

Topanga Matthews:
Just because something bad happens doesn't mean you can escape into a fantasy world.

Gumshoe:
[narrating] Something told me my services were no longer needed.

Trixie:
Your services are no longer needed.

Gumshoe:
[narrating] Oh, yeah. It was her.

Gumshoe:
[narrating] Fez-head and Costello. They're always together. People talk.

Costello:
Move away from me, Fez-head! People are talking.

Fez-head:
Don't flatter yourself, Gertrude.

Topanga Matthews:
Cory, you and I have the exact same paper due tommorrow. How is that I'm sitting here studying and your sitting there watching that stupid coyote fall into the grand canyon again?

Cory Matthews:
I wanna make sure he's gonna be alright.

Topanga Matthews:
He's *always* alright!

Cory Matthews:
What if this is the one time he dies?

Gumshoe:
Rory?

Cory Matthews:
Reric?

Receptionist:
Ya got someone to see ya!

Gumshoe:
What do you mean? A case?

Receptionist:
No, silly. A person.

Gumshoe:
I'm the local gumshoe. That's gum... on my shoe.

Harvey 'Harley' Keiner:
What's your name?

Cory:
Cory Matthews

Harvey 'Harley' Keiner:
Nah, that's a poofy name. If you want to hang with me, you gotta have a name that fits, a name that shows both fear and respect. From now on, you will be known as JOHNNY BABOON.

Topanga Lawrence:
[realizes Shawn is looking at her behind] What are you staring at?

Shawn Hunter:
Uhmm... nothing. New blouse?

Topanga Lawrence:
Yeah, I got it over the summer.

Shawn Hunter:
[checking out Topanga] Summer was... very good to you.

Topanga Lawrence:
Yeah, well at least what I grew is real. [rips off Shawn's fake sideburns]

Cory Matthews:
Apparently it's not a good time to be a grandmother. Her grandmother is coughing up phlegm. Her grandmother is hacking blood. And her...

Shawn Hunter:
Whoa. I happen to know she *has* no grandmother.

Cory Matthews:
Yes and somehow she blames me for her death.

Cory Matthews:
Shawn, look who they got to play at the dance.

Shawn Hunter:
The Exits. They're great.

Cory Matthews:
They're us.

Shawn Hunter:
Ooh. They're not so good.

Alan Matthews:
Where are you guys going, looking so "cool"?

Shawn Hunter:
Our first gig.

Alan Matthews:
Your first gig? What, you just started playing two days ago.

Norm:
Kids learn fast today, Alan.

Alan Matthews:
Not mine.

Cory Matthews:
We gotta go, bye.

Gordy:
Break a leg.

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, that's our backup plan.

Shawn Hunter:
You know, there was one point there where I thought we really had them. They were screaming: "Exits. Exits."

Cory Matthews:
Shawn, they were looking for a way out.

Jonathan Turner:
Ok, man, you guys set? I'm ready to intro you.

Shawn Hunter:
We're not going on, man.

Jonathan Turner:
What are you talking about?

Cory Matthews:
I'll tell you what he's talking about. He's talking about the lack of respect for artists. You see this turkey? This turkey is pressed. We were very specific that the band only eats fresh, hand-carved turkey. No fresh turkey, no music.

Jonathan Turner:
You got it, guys. [Mr. Turner goes onstage] John Adams High, it is with great pleasure I give you... The Exits! [the curtains open to reveal Cory and Shawn, dumbfounded with turkey hanging from their lips] Oops, my mistake.

Cory Matthews:
You know what, Mr. Turner? Me and you, we're a lot alike.

Jonathan Turner:
Are we?

Cory Matthews:
Yeah. Because you have this motorcycle helmet, people think you're cool. And I carry around this guitar case and people think I'm cool, too.

Jonathan Turner:
Matthews, I got this motorcycle helmet so if I crash my bike, my head doesn't go splat. Why do you have that guitar case?

Cory Matthews:
To protect my sandwich.

Cory Matthews:
Mr. Turner. Were we as bad as we think?

Jonathan Turner:
You guys don't show up for class on Monday, I'll understand.

Cory Matthews:
I realize you're angry, and Dad, whatever we're doing here, I want you to know I said a terrible thing and I have no idea where to even begin to apologize.

Alan Matthews:
I'm sorry you meant it. You know what this place is?

Cory Matthews:
The abandoned warehouse where no one will hear my screams?

Alan Matthews:
My first job was sweeping up this store. I took over after my father retired. He spent forty years with a broom in his hand. I wish he could see all that I have now. Why are *you* so ashamed of being average?

Cory Matthews:
I-I-I'm not asha...

Alan Matthews:
Look at this place. Touch it. Go on. Touch it! Get some dirt on your hands.

[Cory does]

Alan Matthews:
Try and see what average looked like from here. To me, average. Average was a dream. That's why my father worked his butt off so that maybe his son could have something more. And I learned from him, Cory. And I respected him because he did the best that he could and I was proud of him. And he would have been proud of me too. I don't know, you know? Maybe, if my son thinks average is nothing then I-I've done my job. But I'm sorry that you're not proud. Of him, of me, and of yourself.

[Alan leaves Cory standing in front of the store to contemplate his words]

George Feeny:
Miss Nechita, I'm a great admirer of yours. I'd be very interested in hearing your thoughts about classic versus modern technique and the impact of the renaissance on the modern palette.

Shawn Hunter:
Feeny. You're drooling, man!

George Feeny:
I'm sorry, Mr. Hunter, but I get carried away when I see a young person with such extraordinary gifts.

Cory Matthews:
Are you saying we don't have extraordinary gifts?

George Feeny:
No, of course not, Mr. Matthews. You also have extraordinary gifts.

Cory Matthews:
Like what?

George Feeny:
[searches for a moment for the right answer] You have your health. Good for you.

Cory Matthews:
I think I said all that stuff earlier because I was afraid about my life. You know, when you meet somebody great like Alexandra, you begin to wonder if you're worth anything, and if I'm not, it was easier to blame you. But I know it's up to me to make my life something to be proud of.

Eric Matthews:
[Jack has saved Rachel's life and she has offered him anything in return] What are you gonna ask her for?

Jack Hunter:
Leave me alone.

Eric Matthews:
What are you gonna ask her for?

Jack Hunter:
Will you stop?

Eric Matthews:
What are you gonna ask her for?

Jack Hunter:
All right, you want the truth?

Eric Matthews:
I can't handle the truth!

Shawn Hunter:
You know what's cool? We made it through our first dates and we're still best friends.

Cory Matthews:
And we're gonna stay best friends - through second dates, proms, engagements, marriages.

Shawn Hunter:
Second marriages.

Cory Matthews:
Whatever comes along, we're gonna stand here and face it together, shoulder to shoulder.

Hilary:
[as she rushes past them towards the hall] Hi, Shawn.

Topanga Lawrence:
[as she rushes past them in the opposite direction] Hi, Cory.

Shawn Hunter, Cory Matthews:
Later!

Jack Hunter:
You know, the whole reason I wanted Shawn to move in here was so I'd get to know him. But he won't let me. I'm shallow, he resents me. I try to be honest with him, he runs out... Maybe this brother thing isn't gonna work, man.

Eric Matthews:
Maybe you're right. Why don't you just walk away? Then you won't be brothers anymore. Right?

Jack Hunter:
Yeah, I mean we don't even know each other. What makes us brothers in the first place?

Eric Matthews:
Okay. When I was 12, Cory and I went to a Phillys game. My father gave me just enough money for two hot dogs, so I bought two hot dogs. 'Course, I realized by the time I got back to Cory, I ate them both. He cried! [laughs]

Jack Hunter:
This is very sad.

Eric Matthews:
That was the happy part. You want sad? I went up and down the aisle, trying to collect money from people. A dime here, a quarter there. And I went and I bought Cory a hot dog. Man, he was so happy. He smiled, and then I smiled, because I felt good. You know, I mean I did the right thing, I was a good older brother. He started giggling... he reached his little hand out for that hot dog, and... took a foul ball right smack dab in the head, POW, knocked him unconcious. Cory doesn't giggle anymore.

Jack Hunter:
Next to Wendy's unicorn monologue, that is the worst story I've ever heard.

Eric Matthews:
Yeah, you know, you're right. That is a really bad story. So... why don't you tell me one about your brother?

[Jack says nothing]

George Feeny:
I would simply suggest that this being your senior year, and NYU having a wonderful film program, that this student film could be your foot in the door to a fine university!

Cory Matthews:
[waving the film tape in Topanga's face] This film could be my foot!

Angela Moore:
No offense, Cory, but your project looks like its ripped off by that show on MTV, "The Real World"?

Cory Matthews:
I have no knowledge of this real world of which your speak. My real world is the real, real world.

Shawn Hunter:
You didn't tell them you were a genius, Feeny did.

Cory Matthews:
And I didn't tell Feeny I was a genius.

Shawn Hunter:
The test did! And you didn't ask to take the test.

Cory Matthews:
They gave it to me!

Shawn Hunter:
And you wouldn't even have seen the answers.

Cory Matthews:
If they didn't give us...

Shawn Hunter:
Detention!

Cory Matthews:
We're innocent victims.

Shawn Hunter:
Nothing we do is actually our fault.

Cory Matthews:
It's good to be kids.

Shawn Hunter:
They're putting you in another school?

Cory Matthews:
Yes! The lady's going to be here in half an hour, and they're going to give me another genius test, and then they're going to take me away. So I just called you over to say goodbye, or as geniuses say, goodbye in Latin.

Shawn Hunter:
Hey, idiot.

Cory Matthews:
What?

Shawn Hunter:
Are you a genius?

Cory Matthews:
No.

Shawn Hunter:
Do you have the answers to this test?

Cory Matthews:
No.

Shawn Hunter:
You kind of see where I'm going with this?

Cory Matthews:
You want me to throw the test?

Shawn Hunter:
Oh no no, I want you to take the test, and to the best of your ability, and no guessing, I wouldn't want you to stumble onto a right answer.

Cory Matthews:
Where're you spending your next recess? Playground, shooting hoops, playing ball?

Shawn Hunter:
So?

Cory Matthews:
So let me tell you want I'm doing, I'm searching for Bobby Fischer!

Shawn Hunter:
What're you talking about?

Cory Matthews:
Geniuses go to a special school, did you know that? You've killed me. I'm going to be in a class full of Minkuses. Wait, what am I talking about? These kids make Minkus look like Fabio.

Amy Matthews:
[Morgan's dressed as a zombie] There were no Cinderella costumes?

Eric Matthews:
Hundreds of them.

Amy Matthews:
And you had to choose axe in the head here?

Alan Matthews:
It's the last one.

Alan Matthews:
Ooh! Nice hanging eyeball!

Amy Matthews:
I wanted Morgan to choose her own costume.

Eric Matthews:
She did choose it, Mom, she wanted to be a zombie.

Alan Matthews:
Eric, 24 hours ago she didn't even know what a zombie was.

Morgan Matthews:
The undead are cool!

Eric Matthews:
[to Mr. Feeny] I don't know what's going to happen to me. But I do know that I'm going to be a good person who cares about people. And I blame *you* for that.

[last lines]

Cory Matthews:
You coming with us, Mr. Feeny? You gonna sneak up on us in Central Park or something?

George Feeny:
No. I shall remain here.

Cory Matthews:
No. You'll always be with us. As long as we live okay? [leaves the room]

George Feeny:
I love you all. Class dismissed.

Cory Matthews:
Well, I got Topanga to go to New York.

George Feeny:
Good for you.

Cory Matthews:
She's not even scared any more.

George Feeny:
Nor should she be.

Cory Matthews:
I am.

George Feeny:
Well you have a right to be.

Jack Hunter:
[to Shawn] I admire you. I admire you more than I do me.

George Feeny:
So, Mr. Matthews...

Cory Matthews:
You think we've known each other long enough for you to call me Cory?

George Feeny:
I think we've known each other long enough for me to call you Cornelius.

Cory Matthews:
Shhh, Mr. Feeny! Not even Topanga knows that!

Shawn Hunter:
[crying] You, uh, you never give up on me. Never once. I'm not going to forget you. You're the best person I know

George Feeny:
What?

Cory Matthews:
We're leaving.

George Feeny:
I know

Topanga Lawrence-Matthews:
We wanted to know if you had anything left to teach us.

George Feeny:
No. My work with you is done.

Shawn Hunter:
I don't know. That's pretty scary. Going into a whole new world.

George Feeny:
And you are ready to go into that world.

Eric Matthews:
Even me?

George Feeny:
Even you. Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good.

Topanga Lawrence-Matthews:
Don't you mean do well?

George Feeny:
No I mean do good.

Eric Matthews:
Well, I guess there's just one thing left then. Tell us you love us.

George Feeny:
Now look. If there is one thing I've taught you it is that there is a line between teacher and student that must never be crossed

Eric Matthews:
Tell us you love us.

George Feeny:
I regard all my students equally.

Shawn Hunter:
Oh, you know we're your favorites.

Cory Matthews:
Come on Feeny. You haven't even talked to another student for seven years. I mean that...

Eric Matthews:
Tell us you love us!

George Feeny:
I surely will not.

Eric Matthews:
Okay for you then.

Topanga Lawrence-Matthews:
[She stands up in tears and hugs Mr. Feeny] I will never forget you. You were more of a father to me then my own dad.

[Topanga leaves]

Shawn Hunter:
[Also crying] You, uh, you never give up on me. Never once. I'm not going to forget you. You're the best person I know.

[He hugs Mr. Feeny and leaves]

Eric Matthews:
I don't know what's going to happen to me. But I do know that I'm going to be a good person who cares about people. And I blame *you* for that.

[Eric hugs Mr. Feeny and follows Topanga and Shawn out the door]

George Feeny:
So Mr. Matthews...

Cory Matthews:
You think we've known each other long enough for you to call me Cory?

George Feeny:
I think I've known you long enough to call you Cornelius.

Cory Matthews:
Ssh! Mr. Feeny! Not even Topanga knows that!

George Feeny:
Your secret is safe with me.

Cory Matthews:
Well, I got Topanga to go to New York.

George Feeny:
Good for you.

Cory Matthews:
She's not even scared anymore.

George Feeny:
Nor should she be.

Cory Matthews:
I am.

George Feeny:
Well, you have a right to be.

[Cory hugs Mr. Feeny]

Cory Matthews:
You coming with us Mr. Feeny? You gonna sneak up on us in Central Park or something?

George Feeny:
No, I shall remain here.

Cory Matthews:
No. You'll always be with us. As long as we live okay?

[Cory walks out the door. Mr. Feeny looks around the room]

George Feeny:
I love you all... Class dismissed.

Mr. George Feeny:
[Last lines of the series] I love you all.

[pauses]

Mr. George Feeny:
Class dismissed.

Mr. George Feeny:
Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good

Topanga:
Don't you mean "do well"?

Mr. George Feeny:
No, I mean "do good".

Chet Hunter:
I'm always here for you, boys.

Jack Hunter:
Man, he'd be so proud of you. Going on this adventure in New York City. Nothing but the clothes on your back.

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, well you know it's like Dad always said, [imitates Chet] Money don't make you rich. Life makes you rich!

Chet Hunter:
I don't talk nothing like that!

Jack Hunter:
You know, you never even had a nickel in your pocket and that wasn't important to you. I admire that, man. I admire you. I admire you more than I do me.

Shawn Hunter:
Uh-oh.

Chet Hunter:
Uh-oh what?

Jack Hunter:
Rachel.

Rachel McGuire:
Yeah?

Jack Hunter:
Save me a seat on that boat next to you. Wow, I can't believe I just did that.

Chet Hunter:
What'd you do? What'd he do?

Rachel McGuire:
You're giving up your stepfather's money.

Chet Hunter:
What? What money? What the Sam Hell is she talking about boy?

Jack Hunter:
Yeah, money doesn't make you rich. Life makes you rich. Our father taught us that.

Chet Hunter:
Did not! That's stupid! Money makes you rich. You ask anybody! What makes you rich? Money! I got two stupid boys. You all embarrass me in front of my dead friends!

Old Cory Matthews:
Who?

Old Shawn Hunter:
What?

Old Cory Matthews:
They want you to take the rolls!

Jonathan Turner:
The first one up is Shawn Hunter. His poem is called "Welfare". Okay. You want me to read this out loud or just forward it to the guidance counseler?

Shawn Hunter:
Read it. It's some of my best work.

Jonathan Turner:
Okay everybody. Buckle up. "My uncle Ralph he does not care. Cause twice a month he gets welfare. My uncle Chuck has nylon hair, he bought the rug with his welfare. Old Corvair. Long nose hair. Electric chair." That's a very colorful family you got there Shawn.

Shawn Hunter:
I didn't use their real names, that's okay right?

Shawn Hunter:
Oh yeah. The less I know the better.

Dominique:
I don't understand.

Eric Matthews:
It's over. I can't see you anymore.

Dominique:
But you're in the book. No, no, no, no, no. Come sit. We'll talk while I shampoo. [Eric sits for a moment but then stands up]

Eric Matthews:
No! No, Dominique! Look. What we had was wrong and I have to walk out of here with a dry head.

Dominique:
But one quick. No one has to know.

Eric Matthews:
I'd know! Dominique, don't you see? One of us has to be strong and it has to be me. So don't make me do something we're both gonna regret.

Eric Matthews:
Eric, you're making me angry. I will be very rough with you.

Eric Matthews:
Okay! [He sits back down]

Dominique:
Good boy.

Eric Matthews:
Hey, I can get a haircut! As many as I want!

Alan Matthews:
Okay, okay, family meeting. What the heck did you bring home?

Cory Matthews:
[points at Amy] She let her in.

Amy Matthews:
Come on. She's just a little girl playing house.

Alan Matthews:
Amy, sweetheart, she's a little blonde loon.

Amy Matthews:
Nonsense! Look, if I thought there was anything to be concerned about, I would be the first one to sound the alarm.

[Wendy enters holding a picture frame]

Wendy:
Mrs. Matthews, I found this picture of you in your wedding dress. Maybe someday I'll get to try it on. [She goes back upstairs]

Amy Matthews:
Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Wendy:
Where you gonna be this summer?

Cory Matthews:
Ah, this summer? I don't know, it's so far off. Why?

Wendy:
Well, since we're a couple, I was looking forward to spending the summer together.

Cory Matthews:
Well, why don't we wait and see how the spring goes first.

Wendy:
Okay. You know, spring is when love blooms.

Cory Matthews:
I did not know that. Thank you.

George Feeny:
Mr. Turner, remember, mid-term grades are due next Friday.

Jonathan Turner:
I thought I'd give everybody A's. That way the parents are happy, the kids are happy. Nobody gets hurt.

George Feeny:
Hurt them.

Old Cory Matthews:
Wendy, as I look back on the past 90 years together, and see how you gave me a wonderful home, three or four beautiful children, your left kidney and a pair of beautiful socks.

Old Wendy:
Did you like them?

Old Cory Matthews:
Have I ever taken them off?

Old Wendy:
No.

Old Cory Matthews:
That's love! So I just want to say, thank you for loving me and giving me a wonderful life.

Eric Matthews:
Jason, I'm going nuts, The more I try to study, the more I think about girls. Look at this. History, perfect example. Look at this. [He shows Jason his textbook] Queen Victoria, Catherine the Great, Madame Curie. Are they yummy or what?

Jason Marsden:
Yummy!

Eric Matthews:
Oh, and who is this raven-haired beauty?

Jason Marsden:
That's Leonardo da Vinci. Stop that, you're scaring me.

Wendy:
I hope our kids turn out as sensitive as you.

Cory Matthews:
Me too... our what?

Wendy:
I'm one of three children, and Cory's one of three children, so I thought we'd keep the tradition alive.

Cory Matthews:
[to Alan] Three kids - what do you think of that, Gramps?

Alan Matthews:
Wendy, uh don't you think think, that, um, raising three children on Cory's $5.00 a week allowance might be a little stressful during the holidays? [laughs]

Wendy:
Mr. Matthews, we're not gonna get married anytime soon. We both have a lot of growing up to do.

Alan Matthews:
Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that.

Cory Matthews:
Mm. Let her finish.

Wendy:
We're just grow up together!

Cory Matthews:
[to Alan] You wanna go outside again?

Morgan Matthews:
When you and Cory get married, will you be my sister?

Wendy:
That's right!

Alan Matthews:
Ooh, she's got Morgan...

Amy Matthews:
That is just, so completely sweet!

Alan Matthews:
Oh, she's got all the women!

Morgan Matthews:
Wanna see my doll, sis?

Wendy:
I'd like that. Would you excuse me for a moment?

Amy Matthews:
Of course dear, make yourself at home.

Cory Matthews:
Yeah, move in.

Alan Matthews:
Okay, okay, family meeting. What the heck did you bring home?

Cory Matthews:
[pointing at Amy] *SHE* let her in!

Amy Matthews:
Come on! She's just a little girl playing house.

Alan Matthews:
Amy, sweetheart, she's a little blond loon!

Amy Matthews:
Nonsense! Look, if I thought there was anything to be concerned about, I would be the first one to sound the alarm.

Wendy:
[coming down the stairs] Mrs. Matthews, I found this picture of you in your wedding dress. Maybe someday I'll get to try it on.

Amy Matthews:
Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Cory Matthews:
[to Shawn] Did you know there are 4 generations living in one house? The men don't say much...

Eric:
I'm going to travel. Spend two months in my car and see all fifty states.

Mr. George Feeny:
How do you intend to drive to Hawaii?

Eric:
I'm gonna drive 'til they start speaking Chinese, then hang a U-ie.

Topanga Lawrence:
Cory, it's only two months. The time is gonna fly. And before you know, we will be back together. [they kiss]

Cory Matthews:
Back together. [they kiss again] Which in Spanish is: "Back together, muchacha!" [they kiss another time]

Topanga Lawrence:
You have a picture of your brother in your wallet?

Cory Matthews:
Yeah, why?

Topanga Lawrence:
Oh, nothing, I just think it's sweet. I'm in there too, right?

Cory Matthews:
[hesitates] You will be.

Topanga Lawrence:
How come you're not kissing me?

Cory Matthews:
Because the second our lips touch, he's coming in here. Watch.

Topanga Lawrence:
Look, Cory, this is your room now and Eric knows it. He's not just going to walk in here and take over. Kiss.

[They kiss and, true to Cory's prediction, Eric enters]

Eric Matthews:
Hello!

Cory Matthews:
Shawn, I've been waiting for this my whole life. Eric has gone to college and the room is mine. All mine.

Shawn Hunter:
What's with all the candles?

Cory Matthews:
Oh, those are for Topanga. They set the mood.

Shawn Hunter:
Hmm. Kinda looks like a church in here.

Cory Matthews:
You're ruining the mood. Finally, you know? I'm no longer a guest in this room. It's mine. Do you see that picture? Mine. You see that wallpaper? Mine!

Delivery Man:
[comes in carrying a mattress] Whose queen size bed is this?

Cory Matthews:
Mine!

Delivery Man:
First room to yourself, huh?

Cory Matthews:
Maybe.

Delivery Man:
This comes with the industry standard twenty year warranty. And remember. No means no.

Eric Matthews:
So, first day of college and I got no place to stay. Show up at the dorm I say, "excuse me ding, ding, ding. Front please. Eric Matthews. I go here. Where's my towel? Where's my room?" They tell me I'm not on the list. Like there's a list!

Amy Matthews:
Eric, I gave you the forms for the housing list three months ago.

Alan Matthews:
Amy, go easy on him. Our son had a little mix-up in housing. He's home for a visit. Cake?

Eric Matthews:
Ooh. Cut it for me?

Amy Matthews:
It's not a visit. He's back.

Eric Matthews:
Why isn't Mommy happy to see me?

Amy Matthews:
I am. It's just sometimes you scare me. I mean, how are you supposed to do well in college if you can't even fill out a housing application.

Eric Matthews:
Oh! It's worse than that. Checked the wrong box on another form and now they think I'm an eskimo.

Cory Matthews:
I must've shown Eric like ten places. He doesn't like anything. Okay, one place has a white fridge. He wants avocado. Then he insists on something with an ocean view so he can relax his nerves.

Topanga Lawrence:
Well, an ocean view sounds nice.

Cory Matthews:
We live in Philadelphia!

Topanga Lawrence:
Stop snapping. I'm the girlfriend.

Cory Matthews:
Say kiss.

Topanga Lawrence:
Kiss [they do]

Cory Matthews:
Sorry. It's just I don't understand Eric. He's got this great opportunity to be out of the house and instead he returns home to give *me* the business.

Topanga Lawrence:
You know what you need? You need some college guy to walk down those stairs, announce that he's new in town and that he needs roommates.

Cory Matthews:
If you love me, you could make that happen.

Jack Hunter:
Excuse me. New guy in town. Going to Pennbrook. Just got a three bedroom apartment and I'm looking for roommates

Topanga Lawrence:
I heard him talking outside but I do love you though.

Jack Hunter:
Favorit color on three.

Eric Matthews:
Go.

Eric Matthews, Jack Hunter:
One, two, three. Blue!

Jack Hunter:
See ya later, man!

Eric Matthews:
Yeah, good to meet you. [aside to Cory] I don't like him.

Cory Matthews:
Finally something good happens for Cory. The world is my friend.

Shawn Hunter:
[to Jack] What are *you* doing here?

Cory Matthews:
No, don't ruin this for me. Shawn, listen, whoever this guy is. Whatever minor personal infraction happened between the two of you, let it go. Because the world knows that this one is gonna be Eric's roommate and the world is *my* friend.

Topanga Lawrence:
How do you two know each other?

Shawn Hunter:
He's my brother.

Cory Matthews:
Of course he is! He is *not* your brother!

Chet Hunter:
Oh, this parenting thing. It isn't easy, is it Chet?

Chet Hunter:
Nope. But I'm learning.

Jack Hunter:
Look, Shawn. I think we need to talk, okay?

Shawn Hunter:
You turned your back on your father! And on me! There we talked.

Eric Matthews:
Favorite movie.

Jack Hunter:
On three.

Eric Matthews, Jack Hunter:
One, two, three. Godfather! Part II!

Eric Matthews:
[to Alan after Jack leaves] I don't get him.

Jack Hunter:
You smoke?

Eric Matthews:
No. Do you smoke?

Jack Hunter:
No.

Eric Matthews:
You like pets?

Jack Hunter:
No. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. You?

Eric Matthews:
No, I'm not a pet guy. I got four kids though.

[Cory laughs as the other two stare at him, deadly serious]

Cory Matthews:
I thought it was funny.

Chet Hunter:
How was your day, boy?

Shawn Hunter:
Just another day.

Chet Hunter:
Anything out of the ordinary?

Shawn Hunter:
Just another day.

Chet Hunter:
I like this talking we're doing. It's good.

George Feeny:
It's nice to see father and son together again, playing a spirited game of hoops hmm? [He notices the look on Amy's face] You're not happy are you?

Amy Matthews:
For years now I have watched you give advice to everybody but never me. Why is that? Why?

George Feeny:
You don't ask.

Amy Matthews:
Eric was supposed to be in college but at the first little bump in the road he comes running back home and Alan is okay with it!

George Feeny:
But you're not?

Amy Matthews:
It was hard enough saying goodbye to Eric. I don't want to do it again.

George Feeny:
Well, perhaps Alan just misses the...

Amy Matthews:
Oh, that's not it! This is it! He's Eric's father, he's Eric's best friend. The best friend can't bring himself to say goodbye and kick Eric out of the nest. Thank you, George. Oh, well said!

George Feeny:
I have problems too, you know?

Shawn Hunter:
Did you finally get up enough guilt about Dad to pay him a little pity call?

Jack Hunter:
That's not it. I wanted to come here. I have a brother here. I came here to see you too!

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, right.

Eric Matthews:
She didn't leave cause of me, did she?

Cory Matthews:
No. She left because "Big Daddy rocks"!

Cory Matthews:
You and Jack are so perfect for each other, you should be married.

Eric Matthews:
I'm not ready.

Topanga Lawrence:
Okay, Cory, I brought you the homework. Earth science, algebra, English, shop. [the last thing she hands him is a plank] You're supposed to make something.

Cory Matthews:
I'm done. It's a shelf.

Cory Matthews:
My father is a grocer. I am a grocer's son. I'm a son-of-a grocer

Jason Marsden:
Well, that vocabulary review was exhilarating and revitalizing. And to think I thought the SATs would be my "bette noir".

Eric Matthews:
Shut up!

Chet Hunter:
I'm telling ya man I got business here.

George Feeny:
Listen, I'm not going to tell you this again. If you're not faculty or staff you have no business on this campus!

Chet Hunter:
Hey, leave me alone pal. I'm George Feeny and I'm the principal of this here high school.

George Feeny:
And you're not George Feeny!

Chet Hunter:
I'm parked in his spot ain't I?

Topanga Lawrence:
Daddy, forget about all that. Tell them who called last night.

Jedediah Lawrence:
Oh, they don't wanna hear about that, Tippy.

Cory Matthews, Shawn Hunter:
Tippy? [Topanga turns to them, literally snarling]

Cory Matthews:
Tippy's nice.

Shawn Hunter:
It's my new favorite name.

Cory Matthews:
Shawn, what does your father do for a living?

Shawn Hunter:
Shh, I wanna find out!

Chet Hunter:
What I sell best are ideas. That's what I am. I'm an idea man. Well, a few years ago I had an idea for an all news tv station, going all the time, all over the world.

Topanga Lawrence:
You invented CNN?

Chet Hunter:
That's exactly what I called it! CNN. Chet's News Network. But I made the mistake of yapping to a southern fella about it on an elevator. Wait. [He turns to Mr. Turner and eyes him suspiciously] What'd you say your last name was?

Jonathan Turner:
Turner. No relation.

Alan Matthews:
Hey, Shawn, Cory. Um. Guess how many different kinds of rice we have.

Cory Matthews:
Oh, no.

Alan Matthews:
Come on, Shawn. Guess.

Shawn Hunter:
Ten?

Alan Matthews:
Ten. Puh! Twenty-one. And that's not even counting the short grains. Throw them in, fogedda 'bout it!

Shawn Hunter:
Cory?

Cory Matthews:
Yeah?

Shawn Hunter:
I'm glad I'm not you.

Jedediah Lawrence:
I'm a luthier.

Shawn Hunter:
And I'm a presbyterian, but to each his own I say.

Jedediah Lawrence:
A luthier is someone who make musical instruments.

Shawn Hunter:
No offense, sir, but that's gotta be the nuttiest religion I ever heard.

[Jedediah looks at Mr. Turner]

Jonathan Turner:
Heh. Don't worry it's not you.

Jonathan Turner:
First of all, I would like to say thank you to the parents for being here. After they speak, you guys should have a better idea of what kind vocations interest you. [Shawn raises his hand] Let me guess, Hunter. Summer vocation? Find some new material will ya?

Alan Matthews:
I don't know a lot of big rock stars, but I do know this. I take pride in what I do. Everybody needs groceries. I like to think we do more than sell lettuce and pickles and potato chips and bugspray. We sell, um, dreams.

Alex:
What aisle?

Jonathan Turner:
You know, Alan? Chet was right about one thing. You're a good man.

Cory Matthews:
Dad?

Alan Matthews:
Hmm?

Cory Matthews:
Uh, listen. I never really thanked you for coming to school yesterday.

Alan Matthews:
Ah, no problem. Sorry I couldn't compete with that guitar player and that foot doctor.

Cory Matthews:
Well, that's only because you left out the most important thing you do.

Alan Matthews:
What's that?

Cory Matthews:
What you do after work. I mean, around here. For us. For our friends.

Alan Matthews:
Eh Cory, that's nothing.

Cory Matthews:
It's everything, Dad. I mean, I was thinking I was the son of a grocer. But now I know what I really am is... well, the son of my father.

Eric Matthews:
You didn't go to college. Why do I have to go?

Alan Matthews:
Because someday your son is going to have a career day. And if you don't go to college, your son's teacher is going to stand up there in front of all the cool parents and say, "Here's the grocer!" Go to college!

Eric Matthews:
I don't think I can. Oh, why try? What's the point? We're all just gonna die anyway.

Jason Marsden:
Well, aren't we nihilistic. Or should I say vacuitous.

Eric Matthews:
Hey, if you're so smart, how come you don't understand shut up?

Chet Hunter:
Adam, I consider you a friend.

Alan Matthews:
Alan.

Chet Hunter:
I respect you. Yes sir, you're the heartbeat of America. People can count on you. Ya got roots! I like that.

Alan Matthews:
Where's this heading?

Chet Hunter:
I need a favor. My wife Verna, she's... She's out there. My heart's out there with her. Not to mention my wallet and major credit cards. But she is my wife and go after her I must.

Amy Matthews:
And the favor?

Chet Hunter:
Take care of my boy. Now, you don't have to answer right now. Well, yes you do.

Cory Matthews:
Stay here? That'd be great?

Shawn Hunter:
Dad, why can't I just come with you.

Chet Hunter:
Oh, come on. The road's no place for a boy. Especially with your momma out there drivin' on it. Your place is here. In school. With Teach over there. In this house. In the company of these fine people. [smiles at Amy and Alan] No pressure.

Shawn Hunter:
Hi, Mr. Turner. Sorry for bugging you. I, um, I had a question. Am I interrupting anything? Hey! Look, it's Miss Tompkins!

Jonathan Turner:
Yeah, I know.

Shawn Hunter:
Boy, you teachers sure work la-ohhh!

Chet Hunter:
By a show of hands, how many of you have a microwave oven? [Everyone slowly raises their hands] You're welcome.

Topanga:
Do you want me to dress you up like a girl?

Cory:
Yes, Topanga. Make Cory pretty!

Shawn Hunter:
[Cory comes out dressed as a girl] Okay, bad.

Cory:
How bad?

Shawn Hunter:
Bad bad.

Cory:
I knew it. I look... [sigh] I look fat.

Shawn Hunter:
That is the least of your problems, baby.

Shawn Hunter:
[walking down the hallway at school] Why is everybody staring? What are they looking at?

Cory:
Well, Shawn, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... you're kind of a babe!

Shawn Hunter:
Really?

Cory:
Yeah! Do you want me to, like... carry your books for you?

Topanga:
Why are you carrying his books?

Cory:
Well, we're trying to create the illusion that Shawn's a girl, so I thought this would help.

Topanga:
You never carry my books.

Cory:
Well, look at him! [smiles while checking Shawn out]

Topanga:
So Shawn, how does it feel to wear panty-hose?

Shawn Hunter:
Not Shawn.

Cory:
No, you're right.

Topanga:
Yeah, he needs a girl's name.

Cory:
Okay this is easy. How about... Janet.

Shawn Hunter:
No no no no. Not Janet.

Cory:
What possible difference could it make?

Topanga:
Cory! [turns to Shawn] You've thought about this before, haven't you?

Shawn Hunter:
A little.

Topanga:
And what name have you thought about?

Shawn Hunter:
Well... Veronica.

Mr. George Feeny:
[passing by] Good morning, Miss Lawrence, Mr Matthews, Mr Hunter.

[stops, then turns to Shawn]

Mr. George Feeny:
If there's anything you need to talk about, my door is always open. I'm not here to judge.

Gary:
[to Shawn/Veronica] Hi there. I'm Gary.

Cory:
Gary, this is Veronica. Veronica... Wasboyski.

Shawn Hunter:
Hi!

Gary:
You know, I've never seen you before. You're new in school?

Shawn Hunter:
Yup, I'm just a whole new person!

Gary:
Listen... [stands beside Shawn/Veronica] If you want, I'd be happy to, you know, take you to Chubby's and tell you what teachers to avoid, that kind of stuff... You know, unless your boyfriend already did that.

Cory:
Oh no, Gary! This one is definately avaliable!

Cory:
[after Shawn's date with Gary is settled] Shawnie! Way to go!

Topanga:
You got the date! [Shawn is silent and looks worried]

Cory:
What?

Shawn Hunter:
I've got nothing to wear!

Gary:
This has been a terrific evening, and you are just great. And so, I'm wondering, how is it that someone like you doesn't have a boyfriend?

Shawn Hunter:
Well, I haven't really been looking for a boyfriend, 'cause I've just been... going through a lot of changes.

Gary:
Listen, anytime you wanna talk, I'm here to listen.

Shawn Hunter:
[surprised] Thanks, that's... that's nice, Gary. I gotta have some food.

Gary:
Hey, you got it. Waitress!

Cory:
[Cory enters dressed as a woman] How you doin', honey?

Shawn Hunter:
...Cory?

Cory:
I'm Cora, I'll be your waitress this evening.

Gary:
You know, I come here a lot and I've never seen you before.

Cory:
Quit hitting on me! [laughs] I'm just kidding! It's my first night. Besides, it looks like you're already taken, cutie! [winks]

Shawn Hunter:
[shakes his head] You're insane...

Cory:
May I take your order, baby?

Gary:
My usual. A double chili burger and one chocolate milkshake, with two straws.

Shawn Hunter:
I'll have the same... and a steak. [Cory and Gary looks at him] What?

Cory:
[pinches Shawn's cheek] Well, aren't you the veracious little eater!

Gary:
Gary: [puts his arm around Shawn/Veronica] So... are you having a good time?

Shawn Hunter:
...A little trouble breathing... you're crowding me a bit.

Gary:
Oh, maybe you're just tense? How about I rub your shoulders? [starts doing so]

Shawn Hunter:
You know, I didn't ask you to do that.

Gary:
Yeah, but doesn't it feel good?

Shawn Hunter:
[shoves Gary away] You're not listening to me.

Gary:
Whoa, you're a strong one!

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah, I play a little field hockey...

Gary:
I knew that, because the first thing I noticed was your legs... [touches Shawn's leg, which makes Shawn yell and stand up] What's the matter?

Shawn Hunter:
You just don't listen! You're too busy planning your next move to hear us say no!

Cory:
Where are you going?

Shawn Hunter:
He touched me!

Cory:
Where?

Shawn Hunter:
On my knee! It's MY knee, what makes him think it's HIS knee?

Topanga:
Maybe you sent him a signal?

Shawn Hunter:
The only signal I sent him was stop!

Topanga:
Sounds like he didn't listen.

Shawn Hunter:
I'm not like that. I'm not! I never will be again.

Cory:
Okay well here he comes.

Shawn Hunter:
No, no no! I quit!

Cory:
You can't, we have an article to finish!

Shawn Hunter:
I should have worn a pants suit!

Gary:
Look, uh, sorry I got a little... agressive. You know, nobody respects women more than me! You forgive me?

Cory:
[speaking as the waitress he pretends to be] Ofcourse she forgives you! You two are just adorable together! Isn't he just delish?

Gary:
[to Shawn/Veronica] Tell you what? How about I teach you how to play foosball?

Shawn Hunter:
How about I teach you? [goes ahead]

Gary:
[laughs] Yeah right.

Cory:
My hosery is bunching!

Shawn Hunter:
[plays foosball] Nice block.

Gary:
You liked that? Let me show you how I did it. [moves to stand behind Shawn, running his hands along Shawn's arm down to his hands] Now what you need to have... [places his hands on Shawn's waist]... is a real light touch.

Shawn Hunter:
Hey, hey! [moves to face Gary] What is wrong with you?

Gary:
I'm just showing you how to play the game!

Shawn Hunter:
I know how to play the game.

Gary:
Yeah, I can tell by the way you're dressed.

Shawn Hunter:
I just wanted to look nice.

Gary:
[puts his hands on Shawn/Veronica's shoulders] Well, you do.

Shawn Hunter:
I said, don't touch me.

Gary:
Okay, don't like to be touched.

Shawn Hunter:
Did it ever occur to you that I might be a nice girl?

Gary:
No, what I thought was that you'd be into guys! Well I guess you're not, I guess you prefer girls.

Shawn Hunter:
As a matter of fact, I do.

Gary:
...what?

Shawn Hunter:
I said, as a matter of fact... [punches Gary in the face, making him fall to the ground]... I do!

Gary:
What was that for?

Shawn Hunter:
For every girl I've ever known!

Cory:
[to Gary] Uh, please pay at the register, honey. And tipping is not a city in China! [drops check on Gary, then turns to Shawn, offering his arm] Come on honey, we're out of here.

[last lines]

Topanga:
What's wrong?

Cory:
My hosiery is still bunching!

Shawn Hunter:
Cory, that's your next story.

Cory:
What?

Shawn Hunter:
To understand what girls are talking about, you experience the world from a girl's point of view, by becoming a girl.

Cory:
That's crazy talk.

Shawn Hunter:
No, no, no. You dress up like a girl and write about it. *Chick Like Me*. That's meaningful. You're writing a real article, not just some silly column.

Cory:
It is not a silly column.

Shawn Hunter:
Yes, it is.

Cory:
Ok. Mr. Feeny, what happened to this guy Griffin after he wrote his book?

Mr. George Feeny:
He sold five million copies and won immediate world renown. Why do you ask, Mr. Matthews?

Cory:
Miss Matthews.

Cory:
Hey, guys.

Alan Matthews:
Hi, son. How was your day?

Cory:
Fine.

Alan Matthews:
What'd you do in school?

Cory:
Nothing.

Alan Matthews:
Hey, hold on. Wait there. You know, every day, I ask you what did you do, and every day, you tell me nothing. Well, I'm tired of nothing. I mean, we both know something happened today, and I want to know what it is.

Cory:
I decided to be a girl.

Eric Matthews:
So how does it feel to be dating a winner?

Bianca:
I'll let you know as soon as I find one.

Ranger Mark:
Which one of you is Feeney's grandson?

Cory Matthews, Shawn Hunter:
[at the same time, pointing at each other] He is.

Cory Matthews:
Well, I am.

Shawn Hunter:
We both are.

Cory Matthews:
We're brothers.

Shawn Hunter:
We're cousins... brother... cousins.

Ranger Mark:
No need to explain, son. I'm from mountain people myself!

Ranger Mark:
I gotta go. I'm watching a video with my buddy, Moose.

Cory Matthews:
Oh is that a ranger friend of yours?

Ranger Mark:
A moose can't be a ranger!

Cory Matthews:
Aight, Shawn, not to put a damper on our plans or anything, but it occurred to me in a moment of clarity that WE DON'T SKI!

Shawn Hunter:
Hey, we don't learn, but we go to school, don't we?

Shawn Hunter:
Mr. Feeny, you've got no right trespassing on your own property!

Shawn Hunter:
Use a mirror, babe.

Cory Matthews:
Shawn and I have another project we're working on.

Topanga Lawrence:
Really? What is it?

Shawn Hunter:
Well, you know how those dolphins get caught in the tuna nets?

Topanga Lawrence:
Yeah?

Shawn Hunter:
It's got nothin' to do with that.

Topanga Lawrence:
Because it would be interesting if all your life you remembered that your first kiss happened when you thought you looked weird. Wouldn't it?

Topanga Lawrence:
Why do you care so much what other people think? When people laugh at you, they're depleting their own karmic reservoir.

Cory Matthews:
[pauses] You're gonna be one of those girls who doesn't shave her legs, aren't you?

Topanga Lawrence:
Give me your hand.

Cory Matthews:
Why?

Topanga Lawrence:
I want to see if our energies converge. [Cory reluctantly reaches out his hand. Topanga takes it and looks at it for a few seconds]

Shawn Hunter:
[sarcastically] Ooh-ooh! [Topanga lets go of Cory's hand and turns to Mr. Feeny]

Topanga Lawrence:
He's vibrationally acceptable.

Topanga Lawrence:
Cory, I got Jedediah to drive me to your house after school.

Cory Matthews:
Who's Jedediah?

Topanga Lawrence:
My father.

Cory Matthews:
Wait. You call your father Jedediah?

Topanga Lawrence:
That's his name. What do you call your father?

Cory Matthews:
Well, like a lot of normal people, I refer to him as Dad.

Topanga Lawrence:
Well, then how do you tell him apart from all the other dads?

Shawn Hunter:
[about the 'weirdo' table] It's like the cast of The Addams Family.

Cory Matthews:
Yeah, we could do that in front of the class. But before we do, will you just please take a huge baseball bat and hit me over the head?

[the rest of the class is laughing at him for his hair]

Cory Matthews:
[to Topanga] Go ahead, laugh.

Topanga Lawrence:
[very seriously] Your hair looks different. Why would I laugh?

Cory Matthews:
No one's gonna sign your petition.

Topanga Lawrence:
Why not?

Cory Matthews:
Because you're weird. [the others look at him] However, I say that respectfully, since I am now one of you.

Stuart Minkus:
Are you proposing to help us?

Cory Matthews:
Yeah. I guess I am.

Topanga Lawrence:
Why?

Cory Matthews:
Because life is strange, and now, so am I.

Cory Matthews:
[to Eric] If you say anything, I'll find someone to hurt you when I'm older.

Cory Matthews:
[after having been paired up with Topanga] Uh, Mr. Feeny, may I approach the bench?

George Feeny:
Objection, Mr. Matthews?

Cory Matthews:
Can you be swayed on this?

George Feeny:
I'm Gibraltar.

Cory Matthews:
Come on, Mr. Feeny. Topanga's, like, totally strange.

George Feeny:
Strange is in the eye of the beholder, Mr. Matthews. I, for example, have a young neighbor who sings along with his little sister's Barney records.

Cory Matthews:
You hear that?

Shawn Hunter:
Wow. Feeny must really hate your guts.

Cory Matthews:
Could be worse. At least he didn't give me Minkus.

Shawn Hunter:
Hey, Minkus doesn't like me, he doesn't trust me, and he doesn't respect me. So he's doing the whole assignment by himself. In my book, Stuart Minkus is a god.

Cory Matthews:
What do you think of my hair?

Shawn Hunter:
Guys don't ask guys that question.

Morgan Matthews:
Mommy, if my dolly is cold can I put her in the toaster oven?

Amy Matthews:
No, honey. That would be a mistake.

Morgan Matthews:
Mommy?

Amy Matthews:
What?

Morgan Matthews:
I made a mistake.

Shawn Hunter:
[Jon Turner is in a coma] Jon, how could you be in here? How could you screw up on your bike? I have never seen you screw up on anything. I'm the screw-up, remember? C'mon you remember...Don't do this to me, Jon. I don't do alone real good...I know you're in there but it's like you're not really here. You're not talking but I know you're here. So I'm just gonna talk, you can listen. Jon, even when I was at the Centre, it was all the things you taught me that made me wonder if it was the right place for me or not. But you didn't teach me enough. You, and Cory, and my parents, and the Matthews and the handful of people who really care about me, so don't blow me off, Jon! Don't blow me off, God! I never asked you for anything before and I never wanted to come to you like this, but don't take Turner away from me; he's not yelling at me yet. God, you're not talking but I know you're here, so I'm gonna talk, and you can listen. God, I don't wanna be empty inside anymore.

Jonathan Turner:
[to Shawn] I'm one of the handful people that cares about you. You know? I mean, your parents are busy, trying to work out their marriage. So are they. [referring to Cory and Topanga]

Topanga Lawrence:
Study hall?

Cory Matthews:
Make out?

Topanga Lawrence:
[playfully firm] Cory!

Cory Matthews:
[imitates Topanga's tone] Topanga!

Shawn Hunter:
Okay, everyone have a peaceful night. I'm going back to The Centre.

Alan Matthews:
Oh, no. Whoa, whoa. No, you're not. While your parents are out of town you are our responsibility.

Amy Matthews:
That means you're staying here in this house.

Shawn Hunter:
Yeah. Mr. Mack told me that people like you would try to talk me out of my beliefs.

Amy Matthews:
Shawn, we love you.

Shawn Hunter:
He said you'd say that.

Alan Matthews:
All right, fine. That's enough. Get him in the house and tie him up.

George Feeny:
Shawn, these aren't beliefs. This is just a way to escape a life that doesn't have beliefs.

Shawn Hunter:
That's a judgment.

George Feeny:
You're damn right it is.

[Eric wants to join a cult to meet girls]

Cory:
Eric. Eric.

Eric:
No, no, no, no. My new nut name is Sunflower Fortunato.

Jonathan Turner:
Y'know, you're a junior in high school, now, Shawn. You have no goals as far as I can see. Have you even thought about college?

Shawn Hunter:
I'm going to college.

Jonathan Turner:
Oh, you are? Where?

Shawn Hunter:
Hawaii. I figure I have a better shot outside the country.

Jonathan Turner:
You know, Shawn, the people who care about you in this life you can count on one hand. So don't blow me off, okay?

Shawn Hunter:
John, I got people who care about me.

Cory Matthews:
You know, Shawn, I think Mr. Turner's right. Okay, I mean you got one more year of high school and the humidity in Hawaii is gonna make my hair go "Whoo!"

Topanga Lawrence:
Well, I wanna go to Penn State.

Cory Matthews:
And I wanna go where she goes. Anyone surprised by that?

Jonathan Turner:
Whoa, whoa, okay? [to Shawn] Tick tock. The clock is moving and you are running out of time to figure out your life.

Shawn Hunter:
Hey, John, you're not my guardian anymore, I'm back with my parents, I'll be fine.

Jonathan Turner:
Yeah, Shawn, but I'm one of the handful of people that cares about you, you know? Now your parents are busy trying to work our their marriage... [gestures to Cory & Topanga] So are they...

Topanga Lawrence:
[to Cory, all cutesie] Study hall?

Cory Matthews:
Make out?

Topanga Lawrence:
Cory!

Cory Matthews:
Topanga! [they leave, grinning and holding hands]

Jonathan Turner:
And y'know, you have four years of security in these halls, but they throw you out next year, Shawn. What're you gonna do, then, huh? Who're you gonna be?

Mr. Philip Mack:
I just want you to know that I forgive you for trying to shut us down.

George Feeny:
You forgive *me*?

Alan Matthews:
Easy, George, come on. He's just trying to get a rise out of you. [to Mr. Mack] Look, you're not dealing with gullible little kids here, now, buddy. Now you brought Shawn down, thanks, now why don't you just take a hike back to con-land?

Mr. Philip Mack:
Now do you see how judgmental these people are?

Alan Matthews:
No, no listen! [He violently shoves Mack against the wall] You see! A judgment I made a long time ago is that Shawn Hunter is the best friend that my kid ever had. And I will kill to protect Shawn Hunter from people like you. [Alan points at him menacingly. Amy touches his arm to calm him down]

Amy Matthews:
Alan, he would love a lawsuit

Mr. Philip Mack:
[Straightens his coat] I think there's a lot of anger here. And I don't feel that this is a healthy environment for Shawn.

George Feeny:
Well I really don't give a...

Mr. Philip Mack:
Look, I know you don't respect my philosophies, but for kids who feel lost and have an emptiness in their lives, I'm here to give them a sense of belonging.

George Feeny:
You can't have Shawn!

Mr. Philip Mack:
That's up to Shawn. And, in any event, there are many more just like him.

Jonathan Turner:
So Shawn, what is this "Centre" you're hanging out at?

Shawn Hunter:
No.

Jonathan Turner:
Why not?

Shawn Hunter:
Because I am not gonna talk to you about something that you're never gonna understand.

Jonathan Turner:
Oh, you can understand it but somehow it's beyond me?

Shawn Hunter:
You're as judgmental as everybody else in my life.

Jonathan Turner:
Well, first of all, you judge me, remember? You said I couldn't understand it.

Shawn Hunter:
I'm centered, you're not. End of story.

Jonathan Turner:
Boy, this sounds like a real enlightened, open-minded group.

Shawn Hunter:
Judging.

Jonathan Turner:
Okay, why do you feel you need to be a part of this place, Shawn?

Shawn Hunter:
Okay. All my life, I've felt like there's some part of me missing. And I felt like everybody could tell. Y'know, like there was some hole in me and everyone could see through it. Like I wasn't finished or something.

Jonathan Turner:
I never saw that, Shawn. I mean, if you would've just told me I could've done something about it.

Shawn Hunter:
Let's not dwell on what people did or did not do for...

Jonathan Turner:
Yeah, Shawn, let's dwell on that! That's what makes you a person, how you relate to the people who really care about you.

Shawn Hunter:
The Centre is filled with people who care about me and who make me feel like a person. [Shawn goes to hug him, but Turner stops him with an authoritative look]

Jonathan Turner:
The Centre is filled with lost souls who have no belief system. Who are targets for some guy to bring over to his way of thinking. The Shawn Hunter that I know is one of the most unique individuals I've ever met. And if you let this place take away who you really are, Shawn, then you've made the worst judgment you can make. You made the judgment.

Shawn Hunter:
This is hard for me to say.

Frankie Stechino:
This is hard for me today.

Shawn Hunter:
Because I've watched you for so long and I've always dreamed of telling you how I feel about you.

Frankie Stechino:
Because I've watched you. So long. And I've always dreamed of something

Frankie Stechino:
[Harley has caught Gloria and Frankie on a date] Harley, I know this looks bad but I can explain.

Harvey 'Harley' Keiner:
I look forward to hearing it.

Frankie Stechino:
I went behind your back and stole your girl.

[after riding the roller coaster]

Cory Matthews:
Piece of cake.

Eric Matthews:
What?

Cory Matthews:
I just threw up a piece of cake.

Jonathan Turner:
I am never gonna look at you the same again. That took guts! If you want the Ski Club you've got the Ski Club.

George Feeny:
Don't want Ski Club!

Jonathan Turner:
You want the Chess Club?

George Feeny:
Don't want Chess Club!

Jonathan Turner:
What do you want?

George Feeny:
I want you to help get the kid off my back.

Shawn Hunter:
So you're not mad at me?

Cory Matthews:
No.

Shawn Hunter:
So you're mad at Eric?

Cory Matthews:
No, I'm not mad at anybody. See, everybody did what they were supposed to do. I mean, you guys went out with cool girls from New York, and I stayed at home playing Candy Land with my sister. And lost.

Eric:
Cory, sex is like a bike without training wheels, if you try it too soon you'll fall off and break your head.

[Shawn and Cory are sleeping in Turner's class, Shawn is snoring and Cory is making a yipping noise.]

Mr. George Feeny:
Interesting. In my class, Mr. Hunter handles the yipping.

Cory:
[wakes up] Shawn! It's both of 'em!

Shawn Hunter:
[wakes up and looks around, nervous] Oh no...now I don't know which class I slept through.

Ben Sandwich:
You know what this script is? It's poopy!

Little Boy Writer:
It's not poopy. You're poopy!

George Feeny:
You call this a classroom? There are only nine desks. Are we supposed to believe there are only nine students in the whole class?

Matt Frazier:
Actually, camera angles will make it appear to be more.

George Feeny:
That's diabolical.

Schneider:
Look, Rory. All you have to do is get the keys to your father's car and his credit card.

Ben Sandwich:
I don't know Shane. I got a real bad feeling about this one, you know. I've never done anything like this bef-Oh man! We're doing this story again? How many times have we done this, Matt? A hundred thousand?

Schneider:
He's yelling again. Stop the yelling.

Ben Sandwich:
You know, how can I learn so much every week and still be so stupid?

Schneider:
Oh! Make him stop! Make him stop!

Cory Matthews:
What are you looking for?

Eric Matthews:
Well, I'm supposed to shoot hoops and I can't find them anywhere.

Cory Matthews:
Can't find what?

Eric Matthews:
My tube socks! My lucky tube socks! Have you seen them anywhere?

Cory Matthews:
Oh, uh, you're gonna find this kind of hard to believe Eric but, uh, last night for no logical reason that you could possibly think of, I did the wash instead of Mom and well... This is so funny.

Eric Matthews:
Where are my lucky tube socks?

Cory Matthews:
[Producing a tiny pair of tube socks] Well, I don't think they're so lucky anymore.

Will Friedle:
["Eric" breaks character now revealing that he is, in fact, Will Friedle] That's not the line!

Ben Savage:
What?

Will Friedle:
The line was, "Honey, I shrunk the tube socks".

Ben Savage:
Oh, uh, I know. I'm sorry, Will. I was trying something new.

Will Friedle:
Ohhhh! You were just trying something new? Here why don't you try this? [he begins throwing laundry at Ben Savage] Is this new? [He continues throwing things, breaking dishes and screaming] Is this new to you? New! YAAAAH! I quit! I'm outta here!

[He storms off the set. Shawn enters]

Shawn Hunter:
Cory, Eric. Guess what? I blew up another mailbox.

[He looks around at the trashed set and breaks character]

Rider Strong:
What? Did Will flip out again?

Ben Savage:
Yeah, yeah he did. What are we gonna do? I mean, he's gonna be hard to replace.

Rider Strong:
Yeah, you're right.

[They look around]

Rider Strong:
Hey banana boy! Wanna be a star?

Ben Savage:
Huh?

Schneider:
Sometimes I get shy. People who aren't shy make me nervous.

Wounded Bird Actress:
Hi!

Schneider:
Oh, no. It's her.

Wounded Bird Actress:
Oh! Are you the new guy?

Eric Matthews:
Yeah.

Wounded Bird Actress:
Have you met Schneider? Schneider is very shy. [she hugs Schneider]

Schneider:
Too close! Too close! Too close!

Wounded Bird Actress:
Deep down I'm shy too. I'm a wounded bird. Schneider and me are wounded birds!

Schneider:
[whispering to Eric] Help me!

Eric Matthews:
Thanks for coming with me, Mr. Feeny. It would've been so uncool if my parents came.

George Feeny:
Well, I'm just here to see that you get settled. Now, remember. Keep both your feet on the ground. This town is swimming with sharks.

Eric Matthews:
Hey! Stop attacking my town. The people here are real down to earth. Real kindly folk.

[Aggressive Actress slams her golf cart into theirs]

Aggressive Actress:
Hey! Get out of my space!

Eric Matthews:
Hey, there's one of them now. Hi, nice person!

Aggressive Actress:
What do I have to do? Call my attorney? Get out of my space!

[with one final shove Eric and Feeny's golf cart moves and Aggressive Actress pulls into the space]

Aggressive Actress:
Thank you!

George Feeny:
You're welcome. And who might you be, little girl?

Aggressive Actress:
I'm not a little girl. I'm forty-two! I just play little girls on TV!

[She walks by and pinches Eric on the rear]

Aggressive Actress:
Hello!

Eric:
If there's one thing I know, it's people. I've lived among them. It's like a fifth sense.

Jack:
You mean sixth sense?

Eric:
No, man, that's smell. You gotta be lucky to get that one.

Shawn Hunter:
My soap opera name is Patrick Trailer Park.

Angela Moore:
Well, mine is Shawnene Martin Luther King Boulevard. [Everyone stares] Gosh, I gotta get some black friends.

Rachel McGuire:
So, Topanga what's your middle name?

Topanga Lawrence:
I don't wanna play.

Jack Hunter:
Why not?

Topanga Lawrence:
I have a weird middle name.

Jack Hunter:
Your first name's Topanga. What could your middle name be? Shmaboogie?

Alan Matthews:
Hey, no matter what happened, we're behind you. No matter what happened!

Cory Matthews:
The first time in my life I hit somebody and it's a teacher.

Amy Matthews:
Ugh!

Alan Matthews:
You idiot! I thought you hit a student.

Stuart:
Cory Matthews wakes up one morning. He kisses his lovely wife. He leaves his nice suburban home and then he gets hit by a bus.

Shawn Hunter:
I'll miss you buddy!

Cory Matthews:
No, I don't get hit by a bus.

Stuart:
Why not?

Cory Matthews:
Because I use the crosswalks, memorize the bus schedule and, if I got a wife like Topanga, I ain't leaving the house!

Stuart:
Bus hits you anyway. Now, what's that called?

Angela Moore:
It's fate. Doesn't matter if you stay in or go out, your life is pre-destined and there's nothing you can do about it.

Cory Matthews:
So you mean that bus is going to drive right through my house to get to me?

Angela Moore:
Yes, it is.

Shawn Hunter:
I'll miss you buddy!

Eric Matthews:
[staring at Rachel's backside] Look at that! How'd you like to come home to that every day?

Jack Hunter:
We do come home to that. That's Rachel! You unbelievable, incredible buffoon.

George Feeny:
How did you know what dormitory Topanga was in?

Stuart:
She told me. She told me she lived in the McCay Dorms. She offered it to me un-prompted. Isn't that right, Topanga?

Topanga Lawrence:
Yes, that's true but that wasn...

Stuart:
Thank you.

George Feeny:
Did you really think it was proper? I mean, I'm talking about simple, human propriety. To be in a young female student's bedroom?

Stuart:
A dorm room. Also serves as a living room, or a TV room or a study. It was not a bedroom when I was in there.

George Feeny:
Stuart! Do you believe as college professor that it's okay to be alone in a dorm room with a young, female student?

Stuart:
The door was open. I even asked her roommate to stay. In fact it was Topanga who shooed Angela away. Isn't that right, Topanga?

Topanga Lawrence:
She was on her way to the student union. I didn't feel the ne...

Stuart:
Thank you. Anymore questions, George?

George Feeny:
Just one. Is it okay if I rip off your head and roll it down the hallway?

Cory Matthews:
He made a move on Topanga. On my fiance. He used his power and authority to take advantage of her and he told me that there was nothing I could do and he was never going to stop. So, I did something. I mean I-I-I realize Dean that this wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do but it was all I could come up with at the time.

Dean Lila Bolander:
Striking a member of this faculty is inexcusable. No matter what the provocation.

Shawn Hunter:
Can I just say something real quick?

Dean Lila Bolander:
Yes?

Shawn Hunter:
Cory, it's okay with me that you hit him.

Cory Matthews:
Thanks, Shawn. [to Dean Bolander] It's okay with Shawn.

Dean Lila Bolander:
Well, it's not okay with me. According to the bylaws of this university I am bound to expel or suspend any student for striking an educator for any reason whatsoever.

George Feeny:
Dean, I beg you to reconsider this.

Dean Lila Bolander:
George. Sit down. You can't protect them anymore. Cory Matthews, I hereby suspend you from this university for a period of one day.

Stuart:
One day?

Dean Lila Bolander:
You are, however, under probation for the remainder of this term and I will not take kindly to your solving any more problems with anything but words.

Cory Matthews:
No, you don't have to worry about it Dean. Thank you.

Stuart:
Dean, he hit a teacher!

Dean Lila Bolander:
A teacher must be someone a student can trust. The second a teacher uses pressure on a student for any reason whatsoever, other than academic... that trust is destroyed.

Stuart:
Well, there must be some misunderstanding because as a teacher I...

Dean Lila Bolander:
Stuart! [points at Mr. Feeny] *This* is a teacher Stuart. I'm not sure what you are but you can be certain I'm going to find out.

Shawn Hunter:
[to himself] I hate you.

Alan Matthews:
Hey, Cory. Cory. Phillies are playing on the west coast and Schilling's going into the seventh inning with a no-hitter against the Dodgers. You too tired to come down and watch the rest of the game with me?

Cory Matthews:
What, are you new here?

Alan Matthews:
[to Eric] The Phillies got a no-hitter going. Want to come down and watch the game with me and Cory?

Eric Matthews:
[half asleep] I can't. I'm... I'm naked and I'm taking a math test.

Cory Matthews:
Thanks for waking me up, Dad.

Alan Matthews:
Hey, wouldn't be this much fun without you. Uh, don't tell Mom.

Cory Matthews:
Mom's not in on this?

Alan Matthews:
No, no, no. This is kind of a guy secret. Well, a father-son bonding.

[Alan looks at his watch]

Alan Matthews:
Your mother can *never* find out about this.

George Feeny:
Cory may not take the make up test. The F stands.

Alan Matthews:
I thought you said you understand.

George Feeny:
I do understand. But understanding and condoning are two entirely separate concepts.

Alan Matthews:
So you're going to fail a boy for spending time with his father?

George Feeny:
In my 35 years of teaching, I've heard every excuse imaginable for why somebody fails a test. What's my excuse? If somewhere down the line, a child fails at something because I once abrogated my responsibility to impart knowledge.

[Alan looks at Cory]

Cory Matthews:
I've gotta listen to this everyday.

George Feeny:
You see, Mr. Matthews, education is not about obscure facts and little test scores. Education is about the overall effect of years of slow absorption, concepts, philosophies, approaches to problem solving. The whole process is so grand and all-encompassing that it really can't be threatened by the occasional late night no-hitter.

George Feeny:
Care to join me for a drink?

Cory Matthews:
[confused] Uh, sure.

George Feeny:
Help yourself.