My Family

Susan:
I have decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives.

Michael:
You're going to kill dad?

Susan:
[to Ben, after her mother leaves the house] Don't even think about locking that door!

Ben:
Locking it? I was thinking of bricking it up!

Susan:
My mum's like a horror movie. If we all don't stick together, she'll pick us off one at a time.

Ben:
[to Abi] You, you're unhinged! [to Michael] You, you're demented! [to Nick] You... you're just you!

[to Ben]

Michael:
Sometimes you're treating me like I'm you.

[repeated line]

Ben:
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

Roger:
You'll kill me one of these days.

Ben:
That's the plan.

Abi:
Thanks, Ben. You've been saying really nice things lately... Actually they're the same things but without the sarcasm.

Michael:
If I was smart, I'd have run away with the circus already.

Susan:
And the plastic lobster is still there - not that I've seen it before...

Ben:
[pulling Abi's arm] I'm desperate!

Roger:
[pulling Abi's other arm; shouting] Then buy a magazine!

Ben:
[grabs Michael on the neck from behind] Right, gotcha!

Michael:
How long have you been waiting there?

Ben:
Hours. Where's my ?60?

Michael:
I put it in the bank.

Ben:
At this time of night?

Michael:
Erm... I did it online.

Ben:
[looking puzzled] I gave you cash!

Michael:
It's got a holographic modem.

Ben:
What's that?

Michael:
Well... you scan the bank notes into the feeder slot, which then converts them into cyber-pennies... which, then transmatterates them directly into my account.

Ben:
Well, transmatterate them back.

Michael:
Erm... you can't do it twice. They'll disintegrate.

Ben:
Come on! You can't fool me! I'm not your mother! If you can transmatterate them one way, you can transmatterate them back! Now, where's my cash?

Janey:
Abi, can you keep a secret?

Abi:
Oh, yeah. I've never told anyone about Michael's vandalism charge.

Michael:
[from the other room] Hey!

Abi:
Don't worry, Janey. I had a fantasy man for about a year. They always leave you. The sex is great, though!

Ben:
She's got the worst set of teeth I've ever seen, and I'm a dentist.

[Susan is writing a letter to Janey]

Ben:
She never writes to me.

Susan:
Well you never write to her.

Ben:
I do. I wrote to her yesterday. I sent her a parental haiku. "Enclosed is cheque, you bleed me dry, stop it."

Susan:
Paul and I had a relationship years and years ago - right around the time I met your father.

Michael:
You mean you had other options? All this time I thought you married Dad because you were desperate. We could have had Paul as our father.

Susan:
Michael, you don't even know him.

Michael:
It doesn't matter.

Janey:
Mum, we're not saying you could have done better.

Michael:
I am.

Janey:
So, read his message.

Susan:
Oh, right.

[Michael and Janey look to the computer]

Susan:
Excuse me, you know, this is private.

Janey:
Sorry.

Michael:
Sorry.

Susan:
Thank you.

[they still look anyway]

Janey:
[gasping] Oh! He wants to meet up with you!

Michael:
Yes! It might not be too late.

Janey:
Do it, Mum.

Susan:
I'm not going to meet up with him.

Janey:
Why not? He's only suggesting coffee, not sleeping together.

Michael:
Well, he might be. Scroll down a bit.

Janey Harper:
Great-grandma was a tart?

Rebecca:
Good heavens, no. She was a *prostitute*.

Susan Harper:
[about her mother] She's trying to trick me into visiting her, the manipulative cow. Can't believe I grew up with somebody like that. Can you imagine living with somebody like that?

Susan Harper:
Take that back!

Ben Harper:
I didn't say anything.

Susan Harper:
You were thinking it.

Ben Harper:
Oh.

Susan Harper:
Honestly, Ben, I don't control. I suggest; I guide; I coax. Ben, wake up!

Rebecca:
It was nice to see Janey, but I think she was looking a little gaunt.

Susan Harper:
Oh, I wouldn't worry; it's probably just the heroin. Very much like Michael. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in weeks. But you know us progressive parents - we just like to see how things pan out.

Rebecca:
Why can't you just answer a civilized question?

Susan Harper:
I will when you ask me one.

[last lines]

Susan Harper:
Oh, Ben, it's not that bad.

Ben Harper:
Really. I'm being carted off by a baby policeman, surrounded by a bunch of strumpets. Ha. What could be worse?

Susan Harper:
Oh, please. It's grainy, and it's not a good likeness at all. No one can tell it's you.

Susan Harper:
[answers telephone] Oh, hi mum. [pause] Yes, it's him.

Roger:
Don't be such a Scrooge!

Ben:
For your information, Scrooge was the misunderstood hero of the book until the end, when Dickens copped out and made him nice.

Ben:
Why can't we knock Kenzo out with cough medicine and pretend we had a party?

Susan:
Why can't I just knock *you* out with cough medicine and pretend you had a wife?

Susan:
It seems like only yesterday it was Janey's third birthday...

Ben:
...when it was only thousands of pounds ago.

Ben:
I've got a little problem. Just a *tiny* disparity between how much I spent on your mother's Christmas present and how much she spent on mine.

Michael:
How tiny?

Ben:
[hesitantly] ?1,197.53.

Ben:
What can I get your mother? I mean, you talk to her.

Michael:
How about an Xbox?

Ben:
Nope. She doesn't get off on those movies. God knows I've tried.

Michael:
That's the kind of thought you should keep inside your head.

Ben:
Come on. What does your mother want?

Michael:
Well...

Ben:
And don't say her freedom.

Michael:
Oh. Well, in that case, I've got nothing.

Susan:
I thought we were going to talk about Kenzo's party.

Janey:
Mum, why do you always have to control everything?

Susan:
I'm so sorry, dear. I didn't mean to. What have you got in mind for Kenzo's party?

Janey:
[thinks] Actually, your plan sounds good. Let's go with that.

Grace:
I never forgot your birthday.

Susan:
That's because it co-incided with the Munich Beer Festival.

Grace:
If anyone needs an Aspirin, I do!

Ben:
[in a gremlin's voice] Why don't you swallow the whole bottle, you old bat?

Michael:
How's it going? How are you finding us?

Alfie:
Yeah. Your family are very nice.

Michael:
Give it time.

Susan:
[after finishing baking Kenzo's birthday cake] I'd like to see Nigella make a cake without butter, flour and sugar!

Alfie:
[at the Harpers' front door] I'm a friend of Nick's.

Ben:
[gasps] Nick alert!

[nearly shuts the front door on Alfie's face]

Alfie:
You must be Michael.

[comes over to hug him, but Michael stops him]

Michael:
Whoa! In this family, we do not display signs of affection... or affection.

Ben:
[to Janey] How dare you not be gay? Good God! You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger...

Susan:
You said anger.

Ben:
I was angry twice!

Kate:
[to Janey] You make a paddling pool look deep.

[Janey is in the bedroom with Kate while Ben is in the bathroom when he hears a buzzing sound coming from the bedroom and rushes into the bedroom to find Janey using an electric toothbrush]

Janey Harper:
What?

Ben:
I thought you were using a... your mother's toothbrush.

[first lines]

Susan:
Happy birthday, dear!

Ben:
Hah! Eh. Thank you. Wow! Mmm, the smell of eggs and bacon; my favourite.

Susan:
Actually I'm boiling up some of Nick's underwear.

Nick:
Oh no. My worst nightmare. Two lesbians sharing a bed in my house, and one of them's my sister.

[last lines]

Nick:
Mum, Dad, this is my new friend, Gareth. We might be gay, but it's going to cost you fifty quid to find out.

Ben:
Good luck, Gareth.

Nick:
[to Gareth] He's still coming to terms with it.

Susan:
So, Kate, any plans while you're down here? Shopping, maybe?

Kate:
Actually I've come down for the opening of the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. Then I'm off to a seminar on lesbians in the third world, and then I thought I'd pop into the Lesbian Bookshop for a browse.

Susan:
So I take it you're a...

Kate:
Lesbian. Yes.

Susan:
Looking forward to a packed and... exciting weekend.

Ben:
Doing lesbian things.

Ben:
Nobody likes a smart-arse.

Michael:
Nobody likes a shoplifter.

Nick:
Hello, Dad.

Ben:
Do you have to call me that?

Nick:
Who'd have thought it, eh? Our little girl flying the nest? Before you know it, Michael will be gone too. Then it'll just be the three of us. The way it was meant to be.

Ben:
What was meant to be, Nick, is that you would have got a job and moved out years ago.

Ben:
Nick, shut up.

Nick:
You always say that, but it never works.

Susan:
And you know I don't allow eating in the bedroom.

Nick:
I bet you don't say that to Dad.

[first lines]

[Susan is searching in the closet]

Susan:
Ben, where's the Mr Muscle?

[Ben pushes her into the closet, closing the door behind them. They reemerge, disheveled]

Susan:
That's not what I meant.

Susan:
You're lying, aren't you?

Ben:
Well, if I say I am, you're going to stand here and argue, and if I say I'm not, you're going to stand here and argue; so, good-night. Let me know who won in the morning.

[last lines]

Ben:
You don't want a room. You don't need a room.

Susan:
Yes, I do. For my music.

Ben:
What, what, what music?

Nick:
[Nick brings cello to Susan] Here you go, Maestro.

Susan:
I thought I'd take up the cello again. I need something to fill the void in my soul. [starts to play]

Ben:
All right, Susan. Please, you win. I really miss Janey.

Ben:
This is not a family. It's... it's a cheese nightmare.

Susan:
You will be careful, Janey, won't you with money and boys?

Michael:
Oh, don't worry mum. According to this student guide, they have counsellors for sexually transmitted diseases.

Nick:
Dad, now Janey's going, can I have a pay rise?

Ben:
A what?

Nick:
Well, I'll be doing the work of two kids now.

Ben:
No, Nick. You're not a kid, OK? Janey's younger than you are and she's leaving home, all right?

Nick:
She doesn't love you as much as I do.

Ben:
Go away!

Ben:
I can't win, can I? No matter what I say or do, someone comes along and spoils things.

Janey Harper:
[Walks in] Dad?

Ben:
See what I mean?

Susan:
[Worried about Janey moving to Manchester] That city just seems so hard, cold and pitiless.

Ben:
Believe me, she'll fit right in.

Ben:
For the first time, I see some hope for this family. Janey's in higher education, Nick's got a sensible job, Michael's voice is breaking. Yes, believe me. I can see the sun rising over the dunghill.

Susan:
Every time I walk past Janey's room, I feel an emptiness waiting to be filled.

Ben:
Yeah, I know. I know what you mean.

Susan:
Really?

Ben:
Yeah. Spare room!

Ben:
I've always wanted to take up photography.

Susan:
How can you be so heartless? I want to take up photography.

Susan:
How could you even think of taking Janey's room? Your own room is a disgrace.

Nick:
I know. That's why I want this one.

Ben:
You can't have this room. And even if you could have this room, which you can't, you can't have this room until you've tidied up your own room.

Nick:
So what you're saying is I that can never have this room.

Ben:
Right.

Nick:
What, never?

Ben:
Nope.

Nick:
Never ever ever?

Susan, Ben:
No.

Nick:
Right. Well, I'll be off. When I come back, I want you to have changed your mind.

Susan, Ben:
No.

Nick:
Never ever ever?

Ben:
Just get out!

Ben:
Oh, god!

Nick:
Good afternoon, sir. Lovely day!

Ben:
What in the name of all that's holy are you doing here?

Nick:
I work here.

Ben:
You told me you worked at Qualco.

Nick:
Course I did. Otherwise you'd have never have come here.

Janey Harper:
Again, the poor relation. One gets a computer, the other gets a dinner party, and nothing for the poor little match girl. Perhaps she'll just fade away.

Ben Harper:
Hopefully mouth first.

Nick:
[walks into Ben's dentist as a Spanish man, speaking with a Spanish accent] Hello. I am Ramon Manlucas.

Ben:
[looks in total shock, knowing it is Nick] Merciful heavens.

Nick:
I am very highly qualified, with many recommendations from dentists in Spain.

Ben:
Are you insane?

Nick:
No. I am Ramon Manlucas. I am born in Puerto Banus and educated in Madrid. I am looking very much forward to working here in England.

Ben:
Yeah, I am looking very much forward to booting you up the backside. Would you get out, Nick, please?

Nick:
Who is Nick?

Ben:
Drop the accent, all right? I just... I know it's you!

Nick:
Yes, it is me, Ramon Manlucas.

[Ben rubs his face with his hand and gives Nick a look]

Nick:
[speaking in his normal voice] It's the moustache, isn't it?

[about Nick's first day as a tour guide]

Susan:
In fact, it went so well I... it went so well I... sent Nick off by himself.

Ben:
You sent Nick off by himself. [laughing] Course you did.

Susan:
All right, I lost him.

Ben:
30-Love, ha-ha! I told you... you wouldn't listen - he's unemployable,

Susan:
It's early days. He needs care, love, and tenderness.

Nick:
Hiya mum.

Susan:
WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Nick:
Hey, don't ask me what type of day I've had. Where's that beer?

Susan:
Okay, okay, so you got lost, fine. But did you have to take my entire tour group with you?

Nick:
Wasn't that the job?

Ben:
Oh you led a little tour on your first day. Your mother will be proud. What was it called, "Pub Crawl of Old London Town" or "Shops You Can't Go into Again"?

Nick:
Actually, it was called, "Dylan Thomas' London".

Ben:
Oh, the pub crawl then.

Susan:
Don't encourage him.

Ben:
I was only asking.

Susan:
I was talking to Nick. [turns and pursues Nick across the room] And what have you done with your umbrella?

Nick:
Oh, it's probably still at the police station.

Susan:
And your badge?

Nick:
I think I left it in casualty.

Susan:
What about your clipboard?

Nick:
A baboon ran off with it.

Susan:
Oh, well, at least you took them to the zoo.

Nick:
Nnnno.

Susan:
And what have you done with your umbrella?

Nick:
Oh, it's probably still at the police station.

Susan:
And your badge?

Nick:
I think I left it in casualty

Susan:
What about your clipboard?

Nick:
A baboon ran off with it

Susan:
Oh, well, at least you took them to the zoo.

Nick:
Nnno.

[Susan is running Nick through a tour-guide lesson]

Susan:
All you have to do is stick close to me, do exactly as I do, and if you're unsure of anything...

Nick:
I'll just wing it!

Susan:
No, no, just ask. Now, here's your umbrella. This is your staff of office. Your... tour-guide sceptre if you like.

Nick:
Actually mum, I do have a question. If Buzz Lightyear doesn't know he's a toy, why doesn't he speak when humans are around?

Susan:
What?

Nick:
You said to ask if I wasn't sure of anything.

Susan:
Give Nick a job, and I think you'll be surprised.

Ben:
Oh yeah, yeah, I'll be surprised, I'll be surprised. There'll be bats flying out my arse.

Ben:
[Ben answers the phone] Hello... hello, is that you Brian? I heard a clonk.

Stupid Brian:
Oh, yeah. Hello dad.

Ben:
Did you call me dad?

Stupid Brian:
Isn't that your name?

Ben:
No.

Stupid Brian:
That's what Janey calls you

Ben:
Brian, look, Janey's at school at the moment

Stupid Brian:
Oh right. So am I

Ben:
Then why are you calling here?

Stupid Brian:
Well I wanna talk to you

Ben:
Me? Why me?

Stupid Brian:
I feel we've bonded.

Ben:
I... I've only spoken to you once

Stupid Brian:
I know. It's amazing, isn't it?

Susan:
I'd like to spend our anniversary on a romantic weekend trip to Dorset.

Ben:
Well, I'd like a weekend as Michelle Pfeiffer's love toy, but we all have to live with our disappointments, don't we?

Ben:
I promise on our children's lives.

Susan:
So either way you win.

Abi:
Your dad's not a morning person, is he?

Michael:
Well, he's not much for days and nights either. Whereas, I...

Abi:
In your dreams!

Michael:
[mutters] Constantly.

Ben Harper:
Now, my dad... my dad loved to give advice. And I was going out with this girl and I remember he said... he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is and no matter how much you're in love with her or perfect she is - if she eats a dodgy piece of fish, she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us!"

Susan:
How can you sit there and eat when things are in such chaos?

Ben:
Strong stomach.

Susan:
Honestly, Ben, I don't understand you.

Ben:
I'm sitting here calmly eating my breakfast while you're breathing at me like an Aberdeen Angus. Of course you don't understand me; you're deranged.

Susan:
First of all, I am not *breathing*, I am expressing myself sub-vocally.

[last lines]

Ben Harper:
What are you doing? It's 6:30. Isn't it a little early to be ruining my day?

Brigitte McKay:
I've lost my keys to the surgery.

Ben Harper:
Have you tried searching for them?

Brigitte McKay:
I've tried everything. I've prayed for them, I've asked my spirit guide for them, I've phoned the LPPN - Lost Property Psychic Network. I've even used astral projection and searched three different time zones. Nothing.

Ben Harper:
[pause] Have you checked your handbag?

Brigitte McKay:
[Brigitte looks in her handbag and finds the keys] Here they are!

Ben Harper:
Funny, isn't it? It's always the last place you look?

Brigitte McKay:
Thank you, Mr. Harper. With friends like you, who needs animals?

Ben Harper:
Enemies. With friends like me, who needs enemies?

Brigitte McKay:
Don't be silly, Mr. Harper. Nobody needs enemies. That's like saying who needs mosquitoes. Although in a way, mosquitoes are animals, so I suppose we do need them.

Ben Harper:
Brigitte?

Brigitte McKay:
Yeah?

Ben Harper:
Take the day off.

Janey Harper:
I wish I was dead!

Susan:
Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

[first lines]

Ben:
OK, just relax and sit back, and let's take a little look, shall we? Now, open wide.

Mr. Henshaw:
Huh huh hmmph. [clenching jaw]

Ben:
Mr Henshaw, I... I can't check your teeth until I can see them.

Mr. Henshaw:
Well, I'm scared. I don't like pain.

Ben:
Mr Henshaw, I've been a dentist for over twenty years and the only person who has suffered as a result is me.

Mr. Henshaw:
That another joke?

Ben:
Sadly, no.

Susan:
(After finding Michael kissing Fiona) Don't be a smart-arse, Michael. You've got to learn to take responsibility for your actions.

Michael:
How can I if you barge in before we get to any action?

Ben:
Look, if you're mature enough to have sex, then you're mature enough to lie about it, OK? Just tell your mother it didn't happen.

Michael:
You want me to pretend nothing happened even though I'm proud of it?

Ben:
Yeah.

Michael:
You're asking me to give up my manhood.

Ben:
[Thinks] That's what being a man is all about.

Michael:
You're not making any sense, Dad.

Ben:
That's what being a man is all about, too.

[first lines]

Nick Harper:
[positions package on table] OK. All right, Dad. Look.

Ben:
Well, Nick, that's, that's so... um, uh, aw! You shouldn't have. That's, that's really...

Nick Harper:
It's well wrapped, isn't it?

Ben:
Yes. Yes, it's well wrapped. Yes. You didn't have to buy me a good luck present.

Nick Harper:
I didn't.

Ben:
It's the salt, Nick, it's the salt.

Susan:
What's this? English for 'the stupid'?

Ben:
Nick's wrapped the salt-celler.

Nick Harper:
Trying to be a wrapping artist. Like the great Christo. Y'know, he wraps up huge monuments for art to elicit emotional response.

Ben:
Like irritation?

[last lines]

Michael:
So you see, we didn't really do much at all.

Susan:
I know you're lying, but at least that means you care.

Michael:
Ah no, it's true. I think I'll wait for my wedding night to have sex.

Susan:
I can see again.

Michael:
Just like you waited, Mum.

Susan:
Ah! I can't hear.

[discussing Nick's plan to form a motorcycle stunt display team]

Ben:
It's a fad.

Susan:
What if it's not a fad? What if it's a career move?

Ben:
Then he'll have a career.

[Nick has just announced his intention to form a motorcycle stunt display team]

Susan:
Nick, who, uh, who is in this stunt display team?

Nick:
Ah, it's just me so far. Oh, and Spike.

Susan:
Not blind Spike?

Nick:
I keep telling you, mum, he's not blind. He's partially sighted.

Ben:
Nick, how is Spike going to ride a motorbike being, you know, partially sighted and all that?

Nick:
No, no, no, no, you see, I'll be doing all the riding. Yeah, Spike just sets fire to the bales of hay, puts paraffin in the milk bottles; you know, technical stuff.

Susan:
Oh please, not fire.

Ben:
So, so, so, your, your, your team, your, your team consists of you and Spike.

Nick:
Don't forget Radar.

Susan:
Who's Radar?

Nick:
Spike's Alsatian.

[Susan's doing the laundry, emptying the pockets of a pair of Nick's trousers]

Susan:
No wonder they call these combat trousers, it's like Apocalypse Now in here.

Ben:
You did *what?*

Nick:
I saved it up.

Ben:
?1,255?

Nick:
Think about it, Dad. All those jobs, all with severance pay. Soon adds up.

Susan:
I don't think it's very wise to keep it all in cash.

Nick:
I don't. I just got it out of the bank yesterday.

Ben:
You have a bank account?

Nick:
Actually it's an ISA. My money works so I don't have to.

Ben:
No, no, no, no, *I* work so you don't have to.

[first lines]

Nurse In Dream:
Hello, Mr. Harper. How're you feeling?

Ben:
Bloody awful.

Nurse In Dream:
Now, now, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. The surgeon will be here in a moment, and then we'll put you under anesthetic. The next thing you know, you'll wake up and you'll be fine.

Ben:
Mmm, you could even make major surgery sound pleasant. Wait a minute, I am having major surgery.

[last lines]

[Ben is scrubbing graffiti in his office]

Susan:
Cooee!

Ben:
What!

Susan:
Oh dear. Sacked another assistant, then?

Nick:
We will see on Saturday.

Ben:
Saturday?

Nick:
Yup. We've been hired to appear at the Peachborough Rock Festival, right next to the beer tent. Smooth.

Ben:
Nick, don't you think that's not going to give you like enough time to practise?

Nick:
Ah, I'll just wing it. It's going to be brilliant.

Susan:
But, but, but, surely you need some sort of qualification.

Nick:
All right, it's going to be completely brilliant.

Ben Harper:
Everything going all right with James, is it?

Janey Harper:
Oh, Dad, he's so fascinating!

Ben Harper:
[Gleefully] And rich!

Janey Harper:
Handsome...

Ben Harper:
...and rich!

Janey Harper:
He's really...

Ben Harper:
...rich? So, er, any plans to move in with him?

Janey Harper:
Trying to get rid of me, are you?

Ben Harper:
No, I don't think of it as losing a daughter. More... gaining a millionaire.

MI5 Officer:
I have to say in the 15 years I've been carrying out these interviews for MI5, I have never come across a family like yours.

Michael Harper:
[pause] They're... they're unique.

MI5 Officer:
Anyway, I'm pleased to say that a starting position in the computer and network specialist division will be available to you when you've finished your studies - should you want it.

Michael Harper:
I don't understand. You've met my family?

MI5 Officer:
Exactly. It's a miracle you haven't cracked up yet! You've clearly been under torture for years. [Shakes his hand] Welcome to MI5.

Ben:
So this is where it begins. Holiday Hell.

Susan:
What is the matter with you?

Ben:
I don't know, Susan. Maybe it was the five year-old who kicked the back of my seat all the way from Gatwick. Or perhaps it was the rude, aggressive taxi driver who grossly overcharged us for a series of hair-raising, death-defying experiences. Oh, no. I know. I know what it was. Of course. It was the airline. [Angrily] They've lost my suitcase.

[first lines]

Susan:
Well, this is it. We're officially on holiday.

Nick:
[jumps on the sofa] Great to finally have the chance to relax and unwind for a change.

Ben:
For a change? You? You're always on holiday. A holiday for you would be getting a job. I'm surprised the travel agents don't print brochures of you. I'm surprised they don't call you Nick Holiday.

Nick:
All right, father. You've made your point.

Susan:
This is the worst holiday we have *ever* been on.

Ben:
Well, there's one consolation, I was right.

Susan:
Anyway, when I asked, the man at the airline desk assured me your case will be delivered to this address.

Ben:
Susan, the man didn't understand a word you were saying.

Susan:
That's why I spoke to him in Spanish.

Ben:
I meant when you spoke to him in Spanish.

Ben:
In all the saints, Spanish and English, why have you taken a photograph of your bottom?

Nick:
Oh, I've never seen it before. At least not from that angle.

Nick:
Right, right. They've got washing powder here, right, just like we have; only it's called "Fairy"!

[laughs]

Nick:
Those crazy guys!

Susan:
Nick, we have Fairy in England.

Nick:
No, we don't.

Ben:
Yes, we do!

Nick:
We don't!

Susan:
Why would we lie to you about something like that?

Nick:
I don't know. For attention?

Susan:
[Nick, Susan and Ben go out to dinner, Nick's "treat"] What happened to all the money you had?

Nick:
Oh, I bought a hat.

Ben:
What!

Nick:
A big hat.

Susan:
Well, where is it?

Nick:
It blew off.

Susan Harper:
Why is no-one eating?

Janey Harper:
The peas look burned.

Susan Harper:
But they're not. They're crispy-crunchy. There are many countries where crispy-crunchy peas are a delicacy.

Janey Harper:
Name one.

Susan Harper:
Zamboni.

Janey Harper:
You just made that up

Susan Harper:
Prove it! Bon appetit.

[Nick is trying to chat up the much-pierced hotel maid]

Nick:
So what do you do?

Rita:
I work in a hotel.

Nick:
You work in a hotel, I stay in a hotel. We got a lot in common. How high up does that tattoo go?

Rita:
None of your business.

Nick:
Oh, well, it is actually, 'cause I'm a professional tattoo artist. I'm here for the tattoo convention.

Rita:
Oh yeah? So how come you don't have any tattoos?

Nick:
But I do. I just don't use ink. I'm just in it for the pain.

Rita:
All right! So you like a bit of S&M? B&D?

Nick:
Oh, S&M, B&D, Q, LMNOP, all the letters.

[first lines]

Janey Harper:
[on the telephone] Because if we're going to have any kind of relationship, Brian, I need to know what actually goes on in your head.

Nick:
This is going to be a short call.

Janey Harper:
No, no, you can't just think about me all the time. Because you can't make a living just thinking about me. Let's focus, OK. What do you think about when you're not thinking about me.

Nick:
Chips!

Janey Harper:
[flips Nick off] Brian, you can't just think about chips.

Priest:
Well, we have to remember: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew, 5: 6.

Nick:
[shakes his hand] Nick, 6, 2.

[last lines]

Ben Harper:
So, what's for supper?

Susan Harper:
Pasta.

Ben Harper:
Ah, good. That sounds... safe.

Susan Harper:
Hand me the colander.

Ben Harper:
Shouldn't we order take-away?

Janey Harper:
The guy's a total charmer.

Grace:
I had a charmer once. You know, every time I tried to finish with him, somehow he'd get me back into bed with those three little words.

Susan Harper:
'Gin and tonic'?

[about Nick]

Susan:
I didn't give him cash.

Ben:
Good!

Susan:
I gave him your bank card.

Michael:
[Reads a text message from Nick to Ben] "Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris."

Ben:
"Gn?"

Michael:
"Prices 2 high, so gn to Nice for chse."

Ben:
Mm-hmm.

Michael:
"Don't worry about money. I have Dad's bnk card." Any reply?

Ben:
Yep, yep. [Michael types in reply] "Dr Nk, u r f'd."

Susan:
Sometimes, I wish we'd had another girl.

Ben:
What, like a spare, in case one of them gets mislaid?

Susan:
I thought you were going to wear your white linen suit.

Ben:
I can't find it.

Ben:
Probably with your smile.

Ben:
[about his cousin, Richard] The only ever time I see Richard is when he wants to borrow money. Which reminds me of someone.

[Nick turns up behind Ben]

[first lines]

Susan:
I'm worried about Nick.

Ben:
Too late for Nick. Maybe you should worry about Michael.

Susan:
I sent him out to buy some Brie for my strawberries au gratin.

Ben:
Isn't that potatoes au gratin?

Susan:
That's a side dish; this is dessert.

Susan:
You're not good with pets. Remember the goldfish incident?

Nick:
I was six.

Susan:
You put Alka-Seltzer in his bowl.

Nick:
I thought he'd like a jacuzzi.

Susan:
You're nothing like any of *your* children.

Ben:
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

[last lines]

Susan:
Nick! Where's Michael? I'm sure he'd like to keep me company at the hairdresser's.

Nick:
Sorry, haven't seen him.

[Nick runs a sword through a large cardboard box]

Michael:
Ow!

[Janey has left for university, Susan's feeling lonely]

Susan:
The house is full of men doing their men things. Michael with his computers, Nick with his Action Man repair business.

Ben:
You're a bit behind the times, he's a magician now.

Susan:
Oh no. Well you never know, he might be good at it.

Ben:
He certainly made twenty years of our lives disappear.

Susan:
[about Janey] How pregnant would you say Janey is?

Ben:
Completely.

Susan:
For God's sakes, Ben. Don't be flippant. Our daughter is pregnant at 19.

Ben:
Where I come from, she'd be called a late starter.

Susan:
So, Janey. What have you been up to?

[Janey shows her parents that she's pregnant]

Ben:
I think that answers that question.

Michael:
[after finding out Janey's pregnant] How did that happen?

Janey:
Do you want me to draw you a diagram?

Michael:
I mean, did you get him drunk or something?

Susan:
I don't think I can see a way through this.

Ben:
You can always leave a trail of breadcrumbs.

Susan:
Not the trees. Janey. How can we help her if she won't give us anything? She's like Alcatraz - rocky, distant...

Ben:
...full of men.

Susan:
I know you're trying to help, but shut up.

Ben:
Michael, don't give him the money.

Michael:
It's all right, Dad; I'm fifteen, and sometimes you treat me like I'm... you.

Janey:
[running to the bathroom] Morning sickness!

Ben:
Morning, sweetheart.

[first lines]

[Ben and Susan are awakened by Nick bouncing on their bed]

Ben:
Who?

Susan:
What the hell are you doing?

Ben:
It's two o'clock in the morning!

Nick:
Can I open my presents now?

Ben:
No!

Nick:
Oh please, Dad, please. Just one, please.

Ben:
No!

Nick:
Mum, just one. Please!

Susan:
No.

Nick:
Why not?

Ben:
It's December the nineteenth!

[last lines]

Mr. Bradley's Son:
Thanks for phoning, Dad.

Mr. Bradley's Daughter:
It's lovely telly. Nice clear picture.

Mr. Bradley:
Thanks for helping me shift it.

Mr. Bradley's Son:
Hey, what are families for?

Mr. Bradley's Grandson:
Merry Christmas, Granddad.

Mr. Bradley, Mr. Bradley's Son, Mr. Bradley's Daughter:
Merry Christmas.

Ben:
It's Christmas morning, everybody! Great, 40 tons of pine needles on the living room carpet, chocolate raisin turkey on the horizon, and no Christmas pudding. Ha, yeah, what else? Oh, yes. My teenage daughter's up the duff.

Susan:
[singing] Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Susan Harper:
Yes, Ben. I want to get a dog.

Ben Harper:
[Thinking Susan wanted more kids] Ah, hahahaha! Thank God for that.

Susan Harper:
You're OK with that?

Ben Harper:
Absolutely not!

Susan Harper:
Please, Ben. Let's get a dog.

Ben Harper:
Isn't this house crowded enough? It's like the hotel in "The Shining", except it's never vacant and I don't get to go crazy and kill the family.

Ben Harper:
Owning a pet takes responsibility. Remember what happened to the goldfish?

Susan Harper:
Yes, you killed it.

Ben Harper:
You told me to clean the tank.

Susan Harper:
You're supposed to take the fish out first. Goldie didn't stand a chance.

Ben Harper:
Goldie came out nice and clean, though.

Susan Harper:
It's been years since we had a dog. Remember how much you loved Muffin?

Ben Harper:
Muffin! I hated Muffin.

Susan Harper:
If you had fixed the fence like I'd asked you to, he wouldn't have run away.

Ben Harper:
He didn't run away, he escaped. He's probably sunning himself in a beach in Acapulco.

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
I, er, I heard about Amanda. Listen, Michael, I've had a relationship that didn't work, but things do get better eventually.

Michael Harper:
So I 'll get over it?

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You'll never get over it. You just learn to live with the pain.

Ben:
Oh, that's great. What a splendid family, huh? I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me, and a... pillock.

Nick:
Yeah, but driving schools tell you to keep two hands on the wheel at all times. I mean, what are they thinking of?

[Querying looks from Janey and Michael]

Nick:
I mean, what are you supposed to do if you've got a phone in one hand and a kebab in the other?

Ben:
I mean, I'm a good driver, I passed my test first time.

Janey:
Yeah but that was in the war. They needed all the drivers they could get.

Ben:
[when Janey runs upstairs crying] I don't know what's going on and I don't want to know it.

Susan Harper:
Amazing! You've just condensed your entire world view into one sentence.

[last lines]

Ben:
Oh, after Janey passed her driving test, I, um, I decided to drive her home, and, um, you know, show her a few advanced driving tips and um... you know, show her a few of the back doubles, and...

Susan Harper:
What have you done?

Ben:
I ran over Mr. Casey's dog.

[they both head for the door]

Ben:
Where are you going?

Susan Harper:
To the pet shop. Where are you going?

Ben:
The estate agent's.

Ben:
What are you studying?

Janey:
French.

Ben:
French. Oh, I was good at French. Zut! Not bad, eh? Alors...

Susan:
I have watched football with you; I have watched golf. I've been to dental conventions and sat through lectures entitled "Gingivitis, the forgotten plague" and I have never complained. Do you know why?

Ben:
So! So you can throw it in my face at moments like these.

Susan:
Because love means sacrifice!

Ben:
Fine! [plays two seconds of Don Giovanni] Too big a sacrifice.

Ben:
You know what really frightens me is you're almost making sense.

Nick:
Philistine.

Ben:
Cretin.

Nick:
Dentist.

Ben:
Layabout.

Ben:
She makes opera sound rational.

Susan Harper:
Ben. Ben. Ben! Are you sleeping?

Ben:
Mmh-hmm.

Susan Harper:
Are you planning on sleeping long?

Ben:
Mmh-hmm.

Susan Harper:
How much longer you planning on sleeping?

Ben:
[sits up] What? What is it? What do you want to tell me, Susan?

Susan Harper:
OK. It's nothing. You're clearly in a state.

Ben:
Ah. What sort of state is that, exactly? Clearly not the state of sleep, clearly not the state of peace and tranquillity which I will obviously not attain until I'm in a state of death.

Susan Harper:
I'm not talking to you when you're in a mood.

Ben:
Thank you. [goes back to sleep]

Susan Harper:
Even though that Whitten boy tried to assault our daughter.

Ben:
[sits bolt upright, looking furious] What?

Susan Harper:
In the back of his father's jag.

Susan Harper:
She's fine though.

Ben:
That's what you think, is it? No, Susan this is droit de seigneur.

Susan Harper:
Excuse me?

Ben:
Droit de seigneur, as in Don Giovanni when the lord of the manor had the right to take the virginity of any maiden in the realm.

Susan Harper:
You've been listening to Don Giovanni.

Ben:
I... No, I haven't actually; I... it's common knowledge, isn't it.

Susan Harper:
No it isn't. Oh, you're so sweet.

Ben:
I'm not sweet, I'm a father, I'm incensed.

Susan Harper:
Ben, Ben, please don't make a scene.

Ben:
Oh, damned right I'll make a scene. A boy tries to assault my daughter, the little snot.

Susan Harper:
She feels she's already handled it.

Ben:
I don't care what she thinks she thinks. I'm her father; I know what she thinks.

Susan Harper:
You can't say or do anything, because if you do Janey'll know I told you.

Ben:
But you just did.

Susan Harper:
But you're not supposed to know.

Ben:
Then why did you tell me?

Susan Harper:
Because I couldn't sleep.

Ben:
Neither can I now.

Susan Harper:
But I feel a lot better.

Ben:
Girls mature very quickly, and boys don't. Mature at all. So they, to make up for this deficiency, develop two brains, a big brain that gives us our reasoning and a little brain that tells us what to do. Am I making myself clear?

Janey:
Disgustingly so.

Ben:
So, you understand what I'm saying?

Janey:
What, what I don't understand is how mum could tell you after I told her not to. This is not your problem, Dad.

Ben:
Yes, but you *are* my problem. You see, you've been this bewildering, complex little problem for 16 years, and I don't think I'm going to solve you, my darling.

Susan:
Come on, it's just us girls, so tell.

Janey:
Nothing to tell.

Susan:
All right, OK; I was just curious, you know. I'm here, you're here, no pressure. Whenever you want to talk.

[Susan reads the newspaper]

Susan:
Oh for God's sake. The only reason why I had a daughter was to have these intimate moments. Give me something.

Janey:
OK, well, what do you want to hear? That dinner was nice, the movie was OK; oh, and he was a great kisser until he wouldn't stop.

Susan:
Stop kissing?

Janey:
What do you think?

Susan:
Oh my God.

Janey:
Oh, please mum. It's not an 'oh my God'; it could have been but it wasn't.

Susan:
What did you do?

Janey:
Well, he didn't understand the word no, so I used international sign language - heel palm to the jaw! We learnt it in PE.

Susan:
Good Lord, all we learnt in PE was how to climb a rope.

Janey:
What, in case the Vikings attacked?

Nick:
You think there's an afterlife, Dad?

Ben:
God, I hope not.

Susan:
Have you ever been disappointed when I've said trust me?

Ben:
Well, let's see. There's the truffles that turned out to be toadstools; there's the shortcut through the safari park, and there's the ever famous 'my parents won't be home for hours'.

Susan:
You *do* bear a grudge.

Ben:
I also bear scars.

Nick:
[Ben goes to hang his coat up] Don't. I was drawing that. I call it 'lonely coatstand'.

Ben:
[hangs coat up anyway] Aah. Now it's 'useful coatstand'. Get the hint?

Michael Harper:
I'm going to be in therapy for the rest of my life.

Susan:
The kids have already eaten, and I've whipped up your favourite meal.

Ben:
[looks terrified] God, my favorite meal.

Susan:
Chinese takeaway.

Ben:
[praying] Thank you.

Susan:
[after waking Ben up] Ben, this is serious. I heard a noise, but the alarm didn't go off.

Ben:
There's probably a very good reason for that.

Susan:
Maybe the thief knew how to bypass the system.

Ben:
Maybe it's because I turned it off.

Susan:
You turned off the alarm and jeopardized your family?

Ben:
That is correct, yes.

Susan:
Go and turn it back on.

Ben:
No. If that alarm goes off again, I'll be arrested.

Susan:
Oh Ben, I can't sleep knowing the alarm's off... neither can you.

Ben:
I'll manage.

Susan:
[pointedly] Neither can you.

[after yet another night of the alarm waking everyone several times, Susan is on the phone to the alarm company]

Susan:
They say it's there for our protection.

Ben:
Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin.

Ben:
Susan! Who wears the trousers in this family?

Susan:
You do. Only I get to choose which ones you wear.

Brigitte:
Hello, Mrs Harper.

Ben:
Oh my God, she knows where I live.

Susan:
Hello.

Brigitte:
I don't mean to disturb your evening, but I wanted to give you these large blue stones.

Susan:
Oh, but we haven't got you anything.

Brigitte:
They're Tibetan cleansing stones, part of the Feng Shui ritual.

Susan:
Is there something special I should do with these?

Ben:
Hit her with them.

Brigitte:
Your husband, I'm afraid to tell you, is like a toxic river.

Susan:
Yes, I get a lot of that.

Brigitte:
It needs to be dammed up; placing these rocks outside the door might block the negative flow.

Susan:
Do you think two stones is going to be enough? We may need an entire wall.

Brigitte:
I know. I've got more in the van, shall I go and get them?

Susan:
Oh, we couldn't possibly.

Brigitte:
Don't worry, I bought in bulk.

Brigitte McKay:
Someone has stolen my van!

Susan:
Oh, that's awful.

Ben:
Oh no, I... Are you sure?

Brigitte McKay:
You don't just misplace a 1974 psychedelic lime green van with a portrait of Bob the Builder on the front.

Ben:
Although God knows you must try.

[first lines]

Ben:
Hello.

Susan:
Hello.

Ben:
What are you doing?

Susan:
Choosing some wool.

Ben:
Good. What for?

Susan:
A cardigan for Janey's baby.

Ben:
Mm, good. Hang on, you can't knit.

Susan:
Are you saying I'll make a bad grandmother?

Ben:
No, I'm saying you'll make a bad cardigan.

Ben:
Old dentists don't retire, darling. They just recede, like rotting gums.

[last lines]

[Ben has just poured himself a drink]

Ben:
What the hell's this?

Nick:
Cold tea.

Ben:
Cold tea?

Nick:
Yeah. Little showbiz trick.

Abi:
Don't you like Halloween, then?

Ben:
I've nothing against devil worship per se. Just the enforced jollity that comes with it.

Susan:
There's no time for that. I've hired you a costume for tonight.

Ben:
I am not wearing a costume.

Susan:
Oh, but it's a really, really good one.

Ben:
It'd better be a warm one, 'cos when I put it on, it'll be a cold day in hell.

Warlock Boy:
By the powers vested in me from above and below, I curse this house!

Ben:
Ha! Twenty years too late!

Ben:
[after being egged by trick or treaters] Be back by six, she says, that's when the fun starts!

Abi:
it like that movie night of the living dead when zombie come in to eat our brains!

Ben:
then be slim picking here.

[first lines]

Ben Harper:
Of course the key question is: have you ever had any actual experience as a dental assistant?

James:
Three years at UCH, two years at Guy's. It's all on the CV.

Ben Harper:
What about any interesting facts that didn't quite make it to your little CV?

James:
Excuse me?

Ben Harper:
Any quirks or habits, huh? Do you suddenly burst out singing whenever there's a song in your heart? Or forget to come to work because your chakra's out of line, or perhaps you're into puppetry, hnh? Give little shows in the waiting room with the dentures as my last assistant did?

Ben:
Susan, I told you, I don't like you going on the internet.

Susan:
Oh, because you're my moral guardian?

Ben:
No, because you drop bits of toast between the keys.

Nick:
[to Ben] Careful! Holy water's expensive! It's mixed with the urine of seven virgins.

Michael:
It's just tap water.

Nick:
I asked you to do one thing!

Abi:
Nick, I thought you were going to find me a proper exorcist.

Nick:
No need, sinner. Seen the movie, got the t-shirt.

Michael:
You'll never guess what I've just seen on the internet.

Ben:
Let's see, adolescent boy, internet, big smile on face... I don't want to know.

Michael:
No, listen, I've just found out this is an unhappy house.

Ben:
Really, it took you fifteen years to find out?

Michael:
No, no, it's officially an unhappy house. I found this local history site when I was searching for my project, and it says this place is cursed. Everyone who's ever lived here has had terrible misfortune.

Ben:
Can't you ever just stumble upon a hardcore porn site like any normal teenager?

Nick:
Good evening. I believe you require my services.

[gives Abi his card]

Abi:
[reading his card] "Nick Harper, Swimwear Model"?

Nick:
No, turn it over.

Abi:
[turns card over] "Nick Harper, Exorcist"?

[during an exorcism by Nick and Michael at Abi's request, a sleeping Ben is sprayed with holy water ,in fact tap water, by Nick and is threatened by Michael with a hammer and wooden stake]

Ben:
This house has gone insane.

Abi:
That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Ben:
[to Abi] You, you're unhinged. [to Michael] You, you're demented. [to Nick] You, you're just you.

[During an exorcism by Nick and Micheal at Abi's request, a sleeping Ben is sprayed with holy water ,in fact tap water, by Nick and is threatened by Micheal with a hammer and wooden stake]

Ben:
This house has gone insane.

Abi:
That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Ben:
[to Abi] You, you're unhinged. [to Micheal] You, you're demented. [to Nick] You, you're just you.

Nick:
[through a video postcard] Mum, Dad, I miss you. My Far-Eastern adventure was not what I expected. I came here to follow my dreams and ended up being pursued by a nightmare. My backpack fell down a waterfall; my passport got stolen from a bar; my girlfriend turned out to be a man! Worst of all, my plan to set up a Punch and Judy franchise on every beach in Thailand fell foul of the all-powerful Puppeteers Union. They're worse than the Triads! And I need to pay them 2,000 US Dollars or they'll stuff me and mount me and use me as a glove puppet! Mum, Dad, if you're watching this, please wire me the money before it's too late! I'm desperate!

Nick:
[through a video postcard] Mum, Dad, bad news! The money hasn't arrived! I think it was stolen on an island by cyber pirates. And now the price has gone up. I need 3,000 US Dollars and I need it quickly! The Puppeteers Union have joined forces with the Guild of Lady Boys. Please help! I can't hide from them much longer! Please!

Michael:
[filming Nick in his room] Cut. Well, it's good for me.

Nick:
Oh, yeah? Oh, I don't know. Cyber Pirates; do you think they'll buy that?

Nick, Michael:
Yeah!

Nick:
One more for luck?

Michael:
OK.

Nick:
I'll think I'll try for 4,000 this time!

Ben Harper:
[dashing through doors] Abi, Abi! Loo... umm, might sound weird, but I would like you to be my mistress for half an hour.

Abi Harper:
Okay!

Ben Harper:
[takes her hand, starts pulling her toward the door] Great! Come on, it's urgent.

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
[takes her other hand and drags her back] You fiend, how dare you!

Ben Harper:
Roger, Roger, it's just for a minute. You won't miss her!

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
Let her go, let her go, she's mine!

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
No, Roger, she's mine!

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
No!

Ben Harper:
Roger, I'm desperate!

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
Buy a magazine!

Ben:
I sometimes wonder if Nick's all there. And then sadly I find... he is.

Janey Harper:
I think you're forgetting, Dad, I'm seventeen; I can do what I like.

Michael Harper:
Actually, that's not strictly true. You're not allowed to vote, drive a minibus, work in an off-licence, teach scuba-diving or pilot a civil airliner.

Janey Harper:
Thanks, Michael. Now run along and count your spots.

Michael Harper:
At least my spots are on my face!

[first lines]

Janey Harper:
Good morning.

Ben:
Well, you're half right. It's morning.

[first lines]

Ben Harper:
[Susan has taken a spoonful of Ben's cereal] What are you doing?

Susan Harper:
I just wanted a taste.

Ben Harper:
Tastes like cornflakes, doesn't it? Haven't changed in fifty years.

Susan Harper:
[knocks on door] Janey! [knocks on door] Janey!

Ben Harper:
Susan, I honestly think she's all right.

Janey Harper:
Bloody hell! What are you doing here?

Ben Harper:
See, she's fine.

Susan Harper:
We've just come to see how you are.

Janey Harper:
Why?

Ben Harper:
Your mother was worried about the phone call.

Susan Harper:
I thought you were going to... do something stupid.

Janey Harper:
God, Mum, I only said I was suicidal. I didn't say I was going to kill myself.

Ben Harper:
Suicidal. Is that all? Ah, your mother said you were coming home.

Janey Harper:
Well, I'm not. Good-bye.

[last lines]

Ben Harper:
Hello!

Susan Harper:
Anyone home?

Michael Harper:
[tied up on kitchen chair] Hi,Mum. Hi, Dad. Nice weekend?

Ben Harper:
[nods at Susan's roses] Shall we put these in water?

Susan Harper:
Yes.

Ben:
If we leave now, we could be home by midnight.

Susan:
Ben, are you serious? This is the weekend. We're free, away from home, in an exotic, vibrant metropolis.

Ben:
It's Manchester!

[Ben and Susan meet in an hotel in Manchester, trying to create the fantasy of a one night stand with a perfect stranger. Ben goes too fast, to Susan's dislike]

Susan:
You have to play me. Like a violin.

Ben:
Play your cards right, and I might snap your g-string.

[first lines]

[Michael breaks the living room window with a bazooka]

Susan:
What the hell was that?

Michael:
Um, if I said it was nothing, would you believe me?

Susan:
Michael!

Michael:
All right, it was for my science project... on organic foods.

Susan:
[spacing each word] You fired a rocket through a window?

Michael:
Come on, Mum. Do you think I'm so stupid I'd launch a rocket through our living room window? It was a sausage.

Susan:
Michael, you could have killed someone!

Michael:
It was an organic sausage.

Susan:
That's it. You're grounded until further notice.

Michael:
Grounded?

Susan:
Michael, you could've taken someone's eye out.

Michael:
Don't be silly, it exploded before it hit anything.

Susan:
[Thinks] Did Nick put you up to this?

Michael:
Actually, we had been planning to start up our own high-speed food delivery service.

[Abi runs into the house]

Abi:
You're not gonna believe this! I was getting off the bus, when it started raining sausage! I have prayed for this day.

Michael:
See? Our first satisfied customer.

Susan:
Give it up, Ben. I'm a chess player, and I'm thinking three moves ahead of you.

Ben Harper:
I'm playing Scrabble.

Abi:
Did you know that the span of your hand added to the length of your middle finger is the same as the length of your foot?

Ben:
Did you know that the distance between my hands and your neck is closer than you think?

Susan:
What are you gonna do with that?

Nick:
[Holding a hammer] Break into my piggy bank.

Susan:
How conventional. From you, I'd have expected a ski mask and a getaway car.

[Ben has just seen what his family's life would be like if he had never been born]

Ben:
What's your - I don't believe I don't know this; what's your name?

Clarence:
Clarence.

Ben:
No! That's weird.

Clarence:
I never liked it either. I always see myself as more of a... Todd.

Ben:
No, i mean... My ear's better. It's like that film, you know, the film...

Clarence:
Reservoir Dogs.

Ben:
No, no, the one Susan makes me watch at Christmas, uh, with James Stewart.

Clarence:
Vertigo

Ben:
No, no, the other one.

Clarence:
The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence.

Ben:
Doesn't matter.

Clarence:
The Glenn Miller Story.

Ben:
It doesn't matter! I'm going to go home. [gathers his clothes] Yeah, I'm going home. [pause] How can I ever thank you, Clarence?

Clarence:
Well, there's an odds bin just around the corner... [Ben leaves] Hey, that's my blanket!

[sound of a bell]

Clarence:
And every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

[last lines]

Susan:
Coffee?

[timer dings]

Ben:
Ha, did you hear that? A bell. Know what that means?

Abi:
[calls from the kitchen] Porridge is ready!

Susan:
Why don't you go back to bed? I'll bring your coffee up.

Ben:
No. It'll be my pleasure.

Susan:
You have been in a good mood these past few days.

Ben:
Hm, something's changed. And I don't know what it is.

[Ben and Susan exit]

Nick:
[Nick bursts through the floor with Pamela] We're in!

Ben:
Michael's almost 16. We're about to stop parenting.

Headmaster:
Parenting never stops.

Ben:
Don't you ever say that!

Michael:
[to Ben and Susan] For God's sake, it's 1:30! How am I supposed to push against my boundaries if I don't have any? Where's the challenge? It's like I'm Steve McQueen in 'The Great Escape', except, except the Germans have let me out, given me a motorbike and an A-Z of Hamburg!

Roger:
[Happily] Hello, Ben.

Ben:
I'm busy.

Roger:
And I am in love.

Ben:
Roger, you're always in love. I'm always busy. So unless things change, let's just accept we have nothing new to say to each other, OK?

[first lines]

Susan:
[talking on telephone] But I don't understand, Headmaster; why do you want to see us? [pause] Michael! Yes, well of course I know where he is; he's at school.

[Michael enters the room behind Susan]

Susan:
Yes, your school. Yes, I'm sure. [pause] Michael is not taking unauthorized absence again. He's not the truanting type. My son is an A-star student, not some woolly-hatted skateboarding loser. May I suggest you look for him in the usual place at the top of his class.

[Michael pops open a soda tin]

Susan:
Aah! [stares at Michael, who leaves the room] No, no; no, no, it's nothing. No, we'll be right there

Michael:
The fact is, that now that Mum is "hands-off", it's like there's two Bens, and one of you has to go.

Ben:
What?

Michael:
You're expendable.

Ben:
Erm, I'm what... expendable?

Michael:
That's another thing. You're very slow on the uptake.

Ben:
Michael, are you firing me?

Michael:
Very, very slow.

Ben:
I don't believe this. You can't fire me. I quit years ago.

Ben:
Richard, Richard, what are you doing? You can't leave yet.

Richard:
[chuckling] I don't know how to put this... this is the worst stag party I've ever had. And I've had five. And one was in prison.

Ben:
Things are looking up. Made the Top 5.

Susan Harper:
And I've also told you I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.

Michael Harper:
Doesn't work anymore Mum, I've grown. You haven't.

Roger:
So, who is this man who's driven you to 4.96% alcohol?

Ben:
Abi's father.

Roger:
[Gasps] My future father-in-law.

Ben:
Roger, you've not even asked the girl out yet.

Roger:
I'm just waiting for the right moment.

Ben:
Yes. They'll be opening Pig Airport before it's the right moment.

Michael:
Sorry about the dish crisis, Nick.

Nick:
What do you mean?

Michael:
Never mind. I just want Mum to learn her lesson.

Nick:
How to live with a pig? I taught her that years ago.

Abi:
[moodily] Hello, Judith.

Ben:
Firstly, it's "Judas' and secondly, I am not betraying anyone.

Susan Harper:
Will you miss me?

Ben Harper:
Darling, how can I if you don't leave?

Ben:
[Nick is eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream] Is that my ice cream?

Nick:
No, it hasn't got your name on it.

Ben:
Yes, it has. [reads from the tub] Ben.

[last lines]

Susan:
What happened to my dress?

Ben:
Yeah, Nick was wearing it when I was trying to strangle him in the pub. Well, I was a bit tense, you know, because Michael had taken all the doorknobs and held me captive. And then Abi burnt my foot in the... soup.

Susan:
[long pause] You know, I think I prefer it when you lie.

[first lines]

Ben:
Come on, Susan, shouldn't you be on your way by now?

Susan:
Just taking Janey a couple of leftovers from last night. Her favorite: kipper balls.

Ben:
Aren't kipper balls the reason Janey left in the first place?

Susan:
I know your just saying that so I'll leave them here for you.

Ben:
No, I'm really not.

Susan:
It's OK; kipper balls don't travel.

Ben:
Oh, believe me they travelled well last night.

Susan:
[identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen. My yoga teacher, poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.

Nick Harper:
What's for dinner?

Susan:
I'm not sure yet. [uncovers pot] It's either souffl? or bouillabaisse. Time will tell.

Ben Harper:
[about Nick] Why did we have him?

Susan:
I don't know. I was asleep.

Ben:
Where the hell have you been all this time? Not that I'm pleased to see you.

Nick:
Oh, travelling around.

Ben:
Europe?

Nick:
Circle Line. But some do say it is in Europe.

Ben:
You spent six months travelling around on the Tube?

Nick:
I did have a stopover in Singapore.

Ben:
Singapore?

Nick:
No, wait. Bayswater.

Ben:
Have you seen this? Another note from Janey asking for more money. Ha! She's lucky I don't post my boot up her ar... [Sees that Abi's filming]... aah, how I miss that cheeky little monkey!

Ben:
[seeing Susan cooking] What's that?

Susan:
It's my everything-in-the-fridge-stew. I'm using up all the food before it goes bad.

Ben:
Smells like you're a little late.

Ben:
[on Abi wanting to film him and Susan] I am not having people witness my life! It's bad enough that I have to see it.

Ben Harper:
Susan, you know I'm not very good at this... Look, the reason I haven't got much written down is because I find it... you know, very difficult describing what you mean to my life, because you *are* my life. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up. You're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. You're my wife, Susan, my lover, my best friend. And I loved you when we married and I love you now and I'll love you to the day I die.

Nick:
[Pointing Ben to beer bottle] Erm, Dad. Coaster goes under bottle.

Ben:
It's a cardboard box.

Nick:
Well, it's an antique. My interior designer says cardboard is the new walnut.

Ben:
Yeah, if you live in a storage unit.

Nick:
My gaff, my rules.

Man at Bar:
I'll have a lager.

Nick:
Coming right up.

[gives the man a green cocktail]

Man at Bar:
That's not a lager.

Nick:
It's better. I call it a Nick-tini.

Man at Bar:
I'd rather have a lager.

Nick:
OK.

[pulls out another cocktail, this time a white one]

Man at Bar:
What's that?

Nick:
A Nick-orita. Packed full of Tequila, you'll love it.

Pub Landlord:
Just give the man a lager.

Nick:
Look, I can't. I don't want to point fingers, but somebody forgot to order more barrels.

Pub Landlord:
You were supposed to order more.

Nick:
That's why I don't want to point fingers.

Pub Landlord:
You're fired.

Nick:
No, wait! You haven't seen my cocktail routine!

[tosses cocktail shaker between hands, throws it up in the air, it lands on the bar and smashes]

Pub Landlord:
[pause] You're still fired.

Nick:
Fine, but you haven't seen the last of Nick harper!

[walks out from behind the bar, and sits down next to the other man at the bar]

Nick:
I'll have a pint, it's been a rough day.

[first lines]

Susan:
I've made you a cup of tea.

Ben:
Ah, thank you. [pause] Hang on, there's something wrong.

Susan:
Why am I not surprised?

Ben:
I've got my favorite spot on the couch; you've made me a cup of tea; I didn't fight to get the remote, and there's a Jammie Dodger left.

Susan:
Oh, really? [Susan takes the Jammie Dodger]

Ben:
Good. That's lovely. Things are back to normal.

[last lines]

[Ben and Susan are in bed]

Susan:
You know, you're amazing.

Ben:
I know. I'm an amazing kind of guy.

Susan:
No, I mean the way you handled things with Nick tonight.

Ben:
I do my best.

Susan:
I guess I'm going to have to face the fact that our little boy... has gained his independence.

Nick:
[Nick enters and pulls the duvet off them] Yours has got a higher tog rating. See ya. [Nick leaves with the duvet]

Ben:
Tomorrow we change the locks.

Janey:
I just want you to know, I found a bank with a very low interest rate.

Ben:
Oh really? Can't be any lower than mine.

Susan Harper:
Look, all I'm trying to say is if you go through life with your head in the sand, all people will see is an ass.

Alfie Butts:
I'm an acoustic freedom fighter on a crusade to bring Celtic rock to the ears of the masses.

Charlie Briggs:
How's that going?

Alfie Butts:
I'm saving up for a new plectrum at the moment.

Susan:
Oh, Ben

Ben:
Hmm?

Susan:
I'd like nothing more than to have you rip this lingerie off me with your teeth...

Ben:
[Moaning with sexual ecstasy] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Susan:
...and feel your hands caressing my body...

Ben:
Oh, god, yeah.

Susan:
...as we melt into each other's arms...

Ben:
Oh, god, yeah.

Susan:
...in an uncontrollable fit of passion...

Ben:
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Susan:
...but I can't.

Ben:
No, ok.

Susan:
The point is, I slept with you under false pretenses.

Ben:
Well nothing's changed, then.

Susan:
Don't you see, our entire marriage is based on a lie.

Ben:
How *dare* you say that, our marriage is based on many lies.

Ben:
I've got one rule, one rule: never sleep with crazy people outside of marriage.

[first lines]

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
Hello, all. I come bearing kiwi!

Susan:
Thank you. I love kiwi.

Roger Bailey Jnr.:
[holding one out] Do you like kiwi, Abi?

Abi:
That's why they can't fly.

Teacher:
You have a rather nihilistic view of love.

Ben:
That's because I'm married.

Nick:
I've decided to dedicate my body to science.

Ben:
Very good. When's the autopsy?

Susan:
Our marriage is based on a lie!

Ben:
How dare you say that! Our marriage is based on many lies!

Ben:
Sunny skies and delicate flowers have nothing to do with real love! Flowers don't take the covers from you at night, tell you how to drive or send you for tampons at 2 AM! Love is not a flower, it's a venus fly trap that tempts you with promises of delight, then snaps you in half and crushed you like a bug!

Teacher:
You have a rather nihilistic view of love, Mr. Harper.

Ben:
That's because I'm married!

Susan:
It seems Michael's having a bit of a problem with Jason Hodder.

Ben:
Hodder J, the little fat kid who smells like sour milk.

Susan:
No, no, that's Keith Burstall. Jason's the one with the itch.

Ben:
Ooh. Which end?

Susan:
No, that's Lee Matthews. Jason had the head lice. Spread through the school like wildfire.

Ben:
Mmh. I know I never thanked him properly for that. What's he spreading now? Cholera? Typhoid? Distemper?

Susan:
No, this time it's different. He's been picking on Michael. This morning he didn't want to go to school.

Janey:
Who *would* with a disgusting class like that?

Ben:
Yeah, I know. School's meant to be unpleasant. You know, to prepare you for life.

Susan:
You don't think I'm a control freak, do you?

Ben:
No. No, course not. You're more of a control... enthusiast.

Susan:
What are you so worked up about?

Ben:
Michael. Michael. He called me a failed doctor.

Susan:
That's nothing, he called me a control freak.

Ben:
That's different, you are a control freak.

Susan:
I AM NOT!

Ben:
You stopped me going to medical school because you said becoming a dentist was quicker and I'd get more money.

Ben:
Where's the receipt for the new x-ray machine?

Susan:
In the file marked receipts under the letter 'X'.

Ben:
You've been tidying up again, haven't you?

Susan:
Oh thank you, Susan, for saving me so much time and trouble.

Ben:
When I put things under the tortoise, I expect to find it under the tortoise. Tidying up is just a way of controlling things, isn't it.

Susan:
If you had been a more organized person, maybe you could have been a doctor by now.

Ben:
If you'd have been five inches taller, blond, with long legs you could have been a doctor's wife by now.

Susan:
How could you lie there while the forces of darkness close in on our son?

Ben:
Oh Susan, please, calm down. We're talking about a snotty-nosed school kid, not Jabba the Hutt.

Ben:
What? You stood up to Jason Hodder?

Michael Harper:
Well... sort of... I stood up and... Janey let him have it.

Susan:
Oh my God, my daughter's a thug. That's no way to behave. Did anyone see you?

Janey:
No.

Susan:
Good girl.

Ben:
What's going to happen to little Mikey when Xena Warrior Princess isn't around anymore?

Janey:
Oh, that's sorted. Jason knows if he acts up again the whole school'll find out he was beaten up by a girl.

Ben:
Oh, come on, Mike. Come on! Scare me! Come on! Scare me! Try and put me down!

Michael Harper:
[finally snaps] You're losing your hair, you're getting turkey neck and the only reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school.

Susan:
Do you want to tell the boys dinner's ready?

Janey:
That's right, make me the bringer of bad news.

Ben:
Kidney dish!

Brigitte McKay:
You can have the kidney dish when you apologise.

Ben:
[to patient] Mr Fisher, have you met my part-time assistant? Funny thing is I'm paying her full time.

Ben:
[to Brigitte] All right, all right, I'm very sorry that I said you have the memory of a retarded glove puppet.

Ben:
Mmm... This is, um... Isn't it? It's really um... It's, what is it?

Susan:
Nepalese Lamb Melange.

Janey:
You said we were having chicken.

Susan:
No, I didn't. I never name a dish until after I've tasted it. Bon appetit.

Ben:
Shouldn't that be 'Bonne chance'.

Ben:
When it comes to parenting, Susan, I put it down to the bird watching theory that, you know, you've got to keep your distance, keep very still and try not to scare them.

[Nick is drinking milk directly from the bottle]

Susan:
Nick, were you born in a pigsty?

Nick Harper:
I dunno. You were there.

Susan:
Twenty-three hours of blissful labour. Even then you were slow.

[last lines]

Ben:
So, son, do you think you've learnt anything from all this? You see, Michael, there is something you can take away with you that'll help you throughout your life. You wanna hear it?

Michael:
Not really.

Ben:
OK, it's this: None of it gets any better, but the more it happens the less it hurts.

Michael:
Thanks, dad.

Ben:
It's all right, son. That's all right.

Nick:
What?

[first lines]

Ben:
[Ben has been awakened by birds] Hey, Susan. Hey, Susan. Come on, you're the nature lover. come on.

Susan:
Me? A control freak? All I care about is the happiness of my children.

Janey:
Great! So can I have a tattoo?

Susan:
No.

Janey:
Dad?

Ben:
Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam".

[Brigitte has confiscated the scaler]

Ben:
All right. I'm sorry I said Celine Dion sounded like a cat trapped in a dogs' home.

Nick:
Welcome to the Pleasuredome! [Michael runs for the door but Nick stops him]

Nick:
You know, you never hang out in here anymore.

Michael:
I'm not off the antibiotics yet.

Nick:
In case of emergencies, use the window. Or the saucepan under bed.

Sylvie:
[on the phone] Oui. Il est mignon.

Susan Harper:
Filet mignon? I knew it. She's missing French food.

[first lines]

Mr. Hilliard:
[dressed as Hitler] Nine!

Ben Harper:
Excuse me?

Mr. Hilliard:
I was led to believe you opened at nine sharp.

Ben Harper:
And I was led to believe you'd been dead fifty years.

Ben Harper:
[when Nick's dressed as a real English man] I think you either got it or you ain't. And... you ain't.

[last lines]

Janey Harper:
Merde! Qu'est que tu fous l?, cr?tin! Vous m'emmerdez tous! Vous ?tes des salauds et des cochons!

Susan Harper:
Well, at least she's improved her French.

Ben Harper:
Translation, Michael.

Michael:
Believe me, Dad, you don't want to know.

Nick:
Look, here's the deal. I've got a plan to move back in, but you cannot tell the mother or the father.

Abi:
So, what's your plan?

Nick:
I just told you.

[about Susan's mother]

Ben:
What did Batwoman want?

Ben:
How did a day of TLC suddenly turn into a weekend of DIY?

Susan:
PMT.

Susan:
The baby will need a place to stay when Janey comes to visit.

Ben:
What's wrong with the laundry basket?

Susan:
Well, I have a surprise for you.

Ben:
Is it a good surprise or a bad surprise?

Susan:
Yes.

[first lines]

Susan:
Don't forget. Next weekend's the Thomas's dinner party.

Ben:
Yeah, you've been reminding me for a month.

Susan:
Because I don't want you to wriggle out of it.

Ben:
What's the point in living if you can't wriggle?

Nick:
You have made a will?

Ben:
I have made a will, yeah. It consists of two words; second word is 'you'.

Ben:
Maybe the newspaper was right. Maybe I am dead and nothing I do affects the physical world.

Susan:
That explains Thursday night.

Ben:
I wasn't dead then; I was just tired.

Susan:
Whatever.

Susan:
Oh, God.

Ben:
It's all right, they're only raisins.

Susan:
No, no, no, my filling's fallen out.

Ben:
Oh really? Which one?

Susan:
The new one.

Ben:
Oh, the new one.

Susan:
Could you have a look?

Ben:
Well I could, but I'm not your dentist any more, am I?

Susan:
Oh for God's sake, Ben, this is no time to behave like, well, like you always do.

Ben:
Don't come running to me. Surfing Mel botched it, surfing Mel can fix it.

Susan:
I don't believe this.

Ben:
Where are you going?

Susan:
Your idea - Surfing Mel can fix it.

Ben:
Really, shouldn't you be making an appointment first?

Susan:
Oh, don't worry. That's the great thing about Mel. He's always got time for me.

Ben:
Is that defecating rodent still here?

Nick:
All right, I was going anyway.

Ben:
Another dentist! Have you ever heard anything so disloyal?

Brigitte:
I think it's a disgrace.

Ben:
Thank you. At last someone who sees it my way.

Brigitte:
No, I think it's a disgrace you can't make any time for your children. It's like the story of the cobbler's children who had no food.

Ben:
No, it's the story of the cobbler's children who had no shoes.

Brigitte:
That makes no sense, their dad was a cobbler.

Ben:
Let me tell you the story of a dental assistant who had no job.

Ben:
She's brushing so hard she could damage her epithelial cuff.

Ben:
[after a passionate kiss with Susan] Oh my God.

Susan:
What's wrong?

Ben:
That molar. Upper right five.

Susan:
What about it?

Ben:
The cracked filling, you've had it repaired.

[last lines]

Ben:
You're such a loser!

Nick:
Me? You're the one who owes me fifty quid. Cash, mate; no cheques.

Ben:
Our son has just come out. As a lesbian.

Susan:
Yes, dear, but that won't change the way we feel about him.

Ben:
Believe me, Susan, nothing could ever change that.

[trying to find Surfing Mel's website, Ben tries an internet search with the keywords "oral" and "contacts" - whatever the page they've found is, both Ben and Nick are speechless]

Ben:
Good Lord.

Nick:
Good going.

Ben:
That can't be Surfing Mel.

Nick:
You'd better hope it's not.

Janey:
He started telling me a story.

Susan:
What kind of story?

Janey:
The story about the kitten who didn't floss.

Susan:
The kitten who didn't floss?

Ben:
Yeah, the kitten who didn't floss and then it ended up with lots of cavities, it's a good story.

Janey:
Yeah, it's a children's story. Mel thinks I'm a child so he's just like you, dad. Makes me want to throw up.

Ben:
What, no school today?

Janey:
No, I've got the dentist.

Ben:
Ah, great... What? What do you mean? Hang on a minute, I'm the dentist! I can't remember booking you in, unless the prospect was so awful I screened you out.

Susan:
I booked her into another dentist.

Ben:
You did what?

Susan:
Janey's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off.

Ben:
I do *not* keep fobbing her off, I've been fobbing her forward.

Susan:
Fine. But if we wait that long, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you.

Ben:
Susan, paying patients come first.

Susan:
That's right, your family always comes second.

Ben:
Against TV, golf, and football that's not bad going. Where did you find this dentist, on a card in a phone box?

Susan:
Yellow pages.

Ben:
Oh, yellow pages! Oh, I see. Well they don't take *anyone* in yellow pages.

Janey:
Oh calm down, Dad, one dentist is pretty much the same as another.

Ben:
[shouting] They most certainly are not!

Janey:
No, you're right. Because some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting, "Shut up!"

Ben:
It is effective. It makes me feel better.

Ben:
[looking at his cereal] Has that rabbit been in its cage all morning?

Michael:
They're just raisins.

Ben:
Oh yeah? [eats a spoonful of the cereal]

Michael:
I think.

Susan:
Let it go.

Ben:
I can't.

Susan:
What exactly is it that's bothering you?

Ben:
She's my little girl.

Susan:
Oh now she's your little girl. Wasn't it yesterday she was that airheaded shopping machine from hell?

Ben:
I can't help being multi-layered.

Nick:
You notice anything strange about that rabbit?

Ben:
Yeah, it's been here for two days and hasn't asked me for money yet.

Ben:
[to Michael's rabbit] I mean, you can see why I'm so hurt, can't you? Sure I'm a husband and a father, but above all I'm a dentist. A family dentist. That's what I do. That's what I am. And if my family can't respect me as a husband or a father, then surely they can respect me as a family dentist, otherwise... what's the point of me? Mm? No point. [clucks to the rabbit] Eh, fancy another? Come on, let your fur down. You know, we're quite alike, me and you. Yeah. I mean... Well I mean, we've different backgrounds: me a professional man with a family and a home and you a bunny rabbit with long floppy ears and a twitchy nose, but we're quite alike. You know why? Because we both live in cages. That's right. Except you can't see the bars in mine. Oh yes, I think I've had enough.

Susan:
Now, just so that you understand, your father's going to explain what's been happening. Ben?

Ben:
Why should I explain? You'll only interrupt.

Susan:
I only interrupt when you digress.

Ben:
I do not digress. You digress.

Susan:
I don't digress, I build a framework.

Ben:
A framework. It's like a bloody scaffold.

Susan:
[discussing Janey] If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you talk to her? Sit her down, father to daughter, and explain how you feel.

Ben:
[looking horrified] You're right, I'm overreacting.

Michael:
[poking his food] What is this?

Susan:
Toad in the hole, but we don't have any sausages.

Janey:
So it's just hole.

Susan:
It's not just hole. It's French. It's toad en vacances.

[first lines]

Susan:
Toast. Janey, what have I told you about painting your nails at the table?

Janey:
Whatever it was I wasn't listening.

Michael:
Mum, where are my football boots?

Susan:
Where were they when you last had them?

Michael:
On my feet.

Susan:
So wise so young, they say, do not live long.

Michael:
What?

Susan:
I am not your slave.

Susan:
Harper is my slave name.

Ben:
Oh my God!

Susan:
I wanted to keep my name at our wedding, but a male-dominated society insisted I change it to "Harper".

Ben:
I thought you liked "Harper".

Susan:
It's nothing personal, but I liked my name. It was like a comfortable and cozy home. And I feel when I got married I was evicted from it. An exile to live in a hovel in a swamp filled with surly lizards.

Susan:
[showing Ben a letter she found in Michael's room] It's from his school, it's addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Harper, and he's hidden it from us. What does that tell you?

Ben:
That he doesn't want us to find it.

Susan:
[speaking about Michael] I was tidying up his room and I found this [coughs] his desk.

Ben:
Sorry, was that [coughs] on his desk or [coughs] in his desk?

Susan:
Does it matter?

Ben:
In a court of law, yes. One's invasion of privacy the other's being sneaky.

Susan:
Well, what you call being sneaky I call being a parent.

[first lines]

Michael Harper:
I hate you!

Ben:
No, no, no, that's my line.

Michael Harper:
Well, I said it first.

Michael:
It is now the general consensus among all my friends that Dad is the most embarrassing human being on the face of the earth.

[Michael goes into kitchen]

Susan:
Michael, 'general consensus' is redundant. It's the consensus that your father's the most embarrassing human being on the face of the earth.

Ben:
I cancelled a patient so I could ferry you around, you know!

[kitchen door slams]

Ben:
I could have spent the last two hours lancing Mr Potter's lower rotten gum, and having a better time.

[to Susan]

Ben:
And don't ask me what happened! We were at PC World, right? Looking at computers. The next minute, bang, he's gone, he's disappeared.

Susan:
Did he run away?

Ben:
I wish! Sulking in the car.

Susan:
So what did you do this time?

Ben:
Why do you always make it sound like my fault?

Susan:
Experience.

Ben:
Susan, all I did was devote the entire afternoon to our charming little... boy. I took him to the shops; I chatted to some of his friends...

Susan:
Oh.

Ben:
No, I swear to you I said nothing wrong, nothing. I, I just said, "Hi there, I'm Michael's dad, what's that game about?" And that was all.

Michael:
[From inside the kitchen] And his flies were open the whole time!

Ben:
You think I did that on purpose! Go to the shopping center, look at computers and flash a couple of spotty oiks!

Susan:
Your oiks aren't spotty, dear.

[last lines]

Michael Harper:
Dad! I'm late for school.

Ben:
One more page, OK? [reads] On Friday he ate through five oranges, but he was still hungry.

Michael Harper:
Mom, he's doing it again.

Ben:
[reads] And on Saturday he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone, one pickle...

Michael Harper:
Mom!

Nick:
[teasing Ben] Oh, Dad. Have you got any ideas for a present I can give my *three* girlfriends?

Ben:
How about Health, Accident and Fire insurance.

Michael:
You're detached; you're selfish; you suck the joy out of everything. You undermine your children's self esteem so each of us has found our own way to escape. Nick has rejected adulthood and all responsibility, Janey has moved 200 miles away and got herself pregnant, whereas I, since that route has denied me, have resorted to lowering a steel shutter on my emotions so at times I may seem cold; even cruel and insulting to my parents. The irony being that although you have caused all this, you're the only one who cannot see it. Now what did you want to say?

Ben:
I was just gonna ask if you wanted to go ice skating.

Ben:
Maybe Mike was right. Maybe I do suck the joy out of everything.

Susan:
Perhaps "suck"'s too strong a word. More like gently siphon off.

Ben:
Nick, I don't know whether you are genuinely insane or just winding me up. But I'm tired, I'm stressed and I'm fighting for one third of the duvet. I've got three things to say to you - shut up, shut up and shut up.

Ben:
Why is it no one in this family wants to be with me?

Susan:
I want to be with you.

Ben:
You're my wife. You've no choice.

Ben:
Nick, you really do have the morals of a convent educated dingo.

Nick:
Thanks, Dad.

Susan:
A letter from Janey! I wonder why she didn't just call?

Michael:
Well, 'cause then she'd have to talk to you.

Ben:
Look, please! This is the only chance I've got to read the paper.

Susan:
She says she's got a part-time job.

Ben:
Oh.

Susan:
To supplement her student loan. Look. [passes the letter to Ben]

Ben:
Funny. Student loan. [looks at letter] Susan, have you seen what job this is!

Susan:
Don't worry. She says it's very artistic, and the customers aren't allowed to touch them.

Ben:
[to Janey's baby] Good luck, baby.

Susan:
He has a name, you know.

Ben:
Stupid name. Kenzo.

Susan:
Count yourself lucky. The first choice was Prada Handbag.

[last lines]

Hubert:
And the second prize goes to Simon Dimpton for talking his grandparents into becoming vegetarian. But the first prize, and I think you'll agree it's an outstanding coup de ma?tre, goes to Michael Harper for getting his father to tell his mother he believed in flying saucers.

[first lines]

Nick:
[dividing roses into two piles] One for you, and one for you. One for you, and one for you.

Susan:
Oh look; here's a postcard from Bill and Joyce. They're having a lovely time in Lowestoft. The weather's a bit changeable. Oh, you'll love this - they tried to visit the local museum, but the sign on the door said "Closed for the summer". [laughs]

Ben:
Who are Bill and Joyce?

Susan:
I've no idea. It's addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Preston across the road.

[Nick has a bag with 12 bottles of water in]

Nick:
Little tip. Never go shopping when you're thirsty.

[last lines]

Sleeping Drunk:
[waking up] Oh. Have we stopped?

Susan:
How's Gran doing?

Michael:
I think she's getting better. She hit Abi and she called me virgin boy.

Ben Harper:
Susan.

Susan:
Mmh?

Ben Harper:
I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.

Susan:
What?

Ben Harper:
I didn't know she was there, I thought it was you.

Susan:
[Horrified] Oh. Ben, that's... that's... that's terrible! [Begins laughing] And funny at the same time.

Ben Harper:
It is not funny!

Susan:
Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny.

Ben Harper:
Susan, we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!

Ben:
You constantly broke the rules in my house.

Nick:
Never!

Ben:
Nick, you built a moat.

Nick:
OK, one rule.

Ben:
You put a sunroof in the kitchen.

Nick:
It didn't rain.

Ben:
You took a baby elephant into your bedroom.

Nick:
Was that against the rules?

Ben:
Yes.

Nick:
I knew my circus days would come back to haunt me!

Susan:
You know, one day, mummy and daddy will be old.

Michael:
Hmm, you're already old.

Susan:
I mean older.

Michael:
How much older can you get?

Susan:
The point is there may come a time when I need to be taken care of by my children, and I just want you to be prepared to accept your responsibilities.

Michael:
You mean switch off the machine.

Michael:
Nick, I gave you money for a film.

Nick:
I know. I rented Stuart Little 2. I love that talking mouse.

Michael:
I meant go to a film.

[first lines]

[Susan places a bowl on the table]

Ben:
What's that?

Susan:
Condoms.

Ben:
I prefer Weetabix.

Susan:
It's for Michael. I found a condom hidden in his wallet.

Ben:
What were you doing going through Michael's wallet?

Susan:
Don't pry, Ben.

[last lines]

[Ben and Susan are in bed]

Susan:
Come on, Ben.

Ben Harper:
No, not now, Susan. I'm not in the mood.

Susan:
It's been almost a week.

Ben Harper:
No, I, I can't get your mother's face out of my head.

Susan:
She's gone, OK?

Ben Harper:
Something happened then. Say that again.

Susan:
She's gone!

Ben Harper:
Yeah, yeah, that's working, yeah.

Susan:
She's gone.

Ben Harper:
Oh yeah.

Susan:
She's gone.

Ben Harper:
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Susan:
She's gone.

Ben Harper:
Oh yeah.

Susan:
She's gone.

Ben Harper:
Oh yeah.

Susan:
She's gone.

Ben Harper:
Mmm. Yes. [starts kissing Susan] Oh yeah. Mmmm.

Ben Harper, Susan:
[kissing] Mmmm. Mmm.

Susan:
This bed smells like my mother.

Ben Harper:
I may never have sex again.

[first lines]

Janey Harper:
Dad, I'm just curious. Are you planning to forget again this year?

Ben Harper:
Ah. A riddle. I love a riddle. Let's see, the answer is: I don't know what you're talking about so go away.

Janey Harper:
Mom's birthday.

Ben Harper:
Oh my God, not again.

Ben Harper:
Oooo, mmmm. What is that delicious [opens oven door, sniffs and chokes] smell?

Susan Harper:
Tuna Wellington. I ran out of beef.

Chloe:
Those old people are swingers.

Susan Harper:
Swingers? As in Glenn Miller, or as in Glenn Miller, his wife and the rest of his band?

Susan:
[dressed as one of the "Beatles", talking about her job] They have me cramming in more tours, hawking cheap souvenirs and working longer hours.

Ben:
I know, it's like you've been working "Eight Days A Week" and... it's... it's not fair.

Susan:
Don't do that again.

Ben:
No, I'll let it... drop.

Susan:
Ben, much as I'd love to engage in witty repartee with you, I don't have the time and you don't have the wit.

Scott Tailor:
[after asking Ben if he could pay the cab for him] Oh, and while you're at it, could you bring in my bags?

Ben:
Yeah.

Scott Tailor:
Thanks, "old chap".

Ben:
[in a Cockney accent] Oh, not at all, guv'nor. Plinky, plonky, blimey guv'nor!

Priest:
Have you taken the Lord's name in vain or had any impure thoughts?

Susan:
Of course, but that's not why I'm here!

Priest:
You can't argue someone to death.

Susan:
Yes, you can.

Priest:
No, you can't.

Susan:
Well, that's your opinion!

Priest:
Yes, it is.

Susan:
Well, you're wrong!

Priest:
In God's eyes, you're not guilty.

Susan:
Oh, what does He Know?

Nick Harper:
I'm having the weirdest dream. Dad's kissing a Beatle.

Janey Harper:
Couldn't you just say "Good Morning" like a normal person?

Nick Harper:
I think it's Ringo.

Janey Harper:
Obviously not.

Nick Harper:
Think I'll just get back to bed and wake up.

Janey Harper:
Earth to idiot, you're not dreaming.

Nick Harper:
Oh right. And if I was awake, would I be able to do this? [jabs fork into arm] [long pause] I'm awake, aren't I.

Janey Harper:
Michael gets all the attention; Nick, he's just an idiot; Mum and Dad are so wrapped up in all their stuff they never listen to me...

Stephanie:
Why are you telling me all this?

Janey Harper:
You asked for a statement.

Janey Harper:
Uh, Mum, I can't believe it. One dead guy, and all of a sudden you've gone goth.

Susan:
Does everything, no matter how awful, come down to fashion?

Janey Harper:
Well, yeah.

Stephanie:
I don't know why I'm so attracted to you.

Nick Harper:
Ah, there must be a million reasons.

Stephanie:
No. There's something in your eyes that says...

Nick Harper:
Amore?

Stephanie:
Danger.

Nick Harper:
Yeah, I get that a lot.

Stephanie:
I've always been drawn to danger. That's why I got into this job.

Nick Harper:
I've always liked danger too. That's why I got into... whatever it is I'm going to get into.

Stephanie:
Can I ask you something?

Nick Harper:
Once. But I didn't inhale.

Stephanie:
Why has your mum got this urge to confess?

Nick Harper:
Mum thinks she talked him to death, and Janey thinks it was the food.

Stephanie:
And what do you think?

Nick Harper:
I think you're not wearing a bra.

[Scott, Susan's American Boss, is staying with the Harpers and is beginning to irritate Ben and Susan. Ben enters with a tray of coffee]

Ben:
Coffee's ready. Scott, just to make you feel more at home yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.

Ben:
Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about?

Susan:
Giving a husband what he wants?

Ben:
No, give and take.

Susan:
Right. You give me crap and I take it!

Susan:
Ben, a day in which nothing is accomplished is a day wasted.

Ben:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Ben:
[Susan finds Ben on couch reading while supposed to be playing hide and seek] Oh, you found me. Okay, now it's your turn to hide.

Susan:
I've got a better game, it's called hunt the testicles.

Ben:
Well you know where you hid them.

[first lines]

Susan:
I can't believe it. My own little boy going off on his first higher maths fun weekend.

Michael:
Mum, I'm fifteen.

Ben:
Ah, fifteen, the square root of a hundred and thirty-five.

Michael:
Two hundred and twenty-five, actually, Dad.

Ben:
Ah yeah. Higher maths fun weekend. Four words I never expected to hear in the same sentence.

Michael:
Actually, Dad, that's not a sentence, it's a phrase.

Ben:
Here's another phrase: Shut up!

Michael:
Nice work, Dad. I'm nearly laughing.

[last lines]

Susan:
Tell you what, Michael, since you must be at a loose end now, why don't I take you to the Tate Modern?

Michael:
Because I won't enjoy it.

Susan:
Not good enough.

Ben:
Yes, you will, Michael. You're going to love it.

Michael:
No, I won't.

Ben:
You will, because there's Gilbert *and* George.

Susan:
Bye, dear.

Ben:
Bye. Nice time. [shuts door behind them] Yes!

Ben Harper:
Oh, no, not religion.

Michael Harper:
Well, I'm at that age. But don't worry, it's all good news. No more selfishness, no more sin. Just Bible study and silent contemplation. I've been born again.

Ben Harper:
Really? I wasn't too happy about it the first time.

Ben:
Michael, religion isn't about personal gain.

Michael:
Dad, stop preaching at me!

Alfie Butts:
[to Gwyneth] I'm serious move in with me. I'm a valued member of this family now. They love me. [to Ben] Mr Harper, how would you feel about Gwyneth moving in?

Ben Harper:
Great! She can have your room. Nice knowing you, Alfie.

Susan Harper:
[On hearing Michael is seeing a therapist] Maybe... maybe we should go and talk to this therapist.

Ben Harper:
Maybe not. Maybe I should sort out this problem with a little father-son chat.

Susan Harper:
Did it occur to you that your father-son chats may have put him there in the first place?

Ben Harper:
You spoil him!

Susan Harper:
You're hyper-critical!

Ben Harper:
You're overbearing!

Susan Harper:
You're emotionally constipated!

[first lines]

Ben:
I know a lot of you out there are thinking that periodonture can be very boring subject, but in fact I'm here to tell you that it can be ve-very, mmmm, Michael, Michael, Michael, what's a hip word for "hip"?

Michael:
There is no hip word for "hip". Hip hasn't been "hip" for years.

Ben:
Yo, I'm jiggy with it.

Michael:
I told you to stop watching MTV.

Nick:
[dressed up as Jesus] Save me some of that cereal, or else.

Michael:
Or else what?

Nick:
I'll send you to Hell.

Michael:
I live here. You think Hell is a threat to me?

Ben:
You've knocked out my tooth.

Nick:
I told you to have faith in me.

Ben:
It's the wrong tooth!

[starts strangling nick]

[about Nick]

Ben:
Why did we have him?

Susan Harper:
Because I didn't know that a quickie meant that you'd be that fast.

[Nick walks in dressed up as Jesus]

Ben:
Oh, my God.

Nick:
No dad, it's me, Nick.

Susan Harper:
Nick forgot to pick me up from my audition. I had to get a lift with the three wise men. They kept getting lost!

Nick Harper:
Oh my God, you have a mistress. How continental.

Ben Harper:
I do not have a mistress.

Nick Harper:
Ah, denying it, how British.

Ben:
Well, at least that proves there is a God... and he hates me!

Dr. Charles:
I can assure you, Mr Harper, you will only feel a slight discomfort.

Ben:
I'm a dentist. I know what slight discomfort means; it means it hurts like hell.

Roger:
Hello, teaching yourself to dance?

Ben:
No, I've just had a bad prawn.

[first lines]

Roger:
I need to ask your advice about something.

Susan:
About your clothes?

Roger:
No.

Susan:
Oh. Never mind.

Roger:
It, it's about Abi.

Susan:
Ah, why don't you just ask her out?

Roger:
I'm going to. I'm thinking of taking Abi to modern latin dance classes.

Susan:
I don't think Abi dances, dear. Can hardly believe she walks.

Susan:
What's that?

Michael:
It's a list of foods I want to cut out of my diet 'cause they increase the libido.

Susan:
Michael, you're sixteen; *breathing* increases your libido.

Nick:
[entering his own house, with people coming to party] Nice gaff.

Susan:
Ben, you promised to fix that toilet.

Ben:
I did.

Susan:
When did you fix it?

Ben:
I didn't. I said I did promise to fix it.

Ben:
[getting into bed; to Susan] Best part of the day. Apart from the morning pee, of course. Although that's getting harder, you know? I used to stream like the fountain of Trevi, but now I just stand there and let gravity do the work. [pause] Is the romance going out of our marriage, Sue? What's wrong?

Susan:
Nothing.

Ben:
Good. You know, in the mornings, I find that if I just rest my head against the wall and lean over, I don't even have to be awake to pee. It's amazing. It just happens. Not bad, eh?

Ben:
I'm telling you the words Jimi Hendrix actually sings is "Excuse me while I kiss the sky", not "while I kiss this guy". OK, Jimi Hendrix didn't kiss guys as far as I know.

Susan:
Well, he couldn't kiss the sky either; I mean, his name's Jimi Hendrix, not Jimi Giraffe.

[hysterical laughter]

[first lines]

Michael:
Mum said you wanted to have a talk.

Ben:
No, your mother wants us to have a talk. I'm just the middleman.

Michael:
How do you deal with her wanting to control everything?

Ben:
Blind submission. Saves time.

Michael:
That's pathetic.

Ben:
I know. It's called 'growing up'.

Michael:
I've never done drugs; never have and never will.

Ben:
Oh really. Am I supposed to believe that?

Michael:
Please! I'm going to be a Tory prime minister. I don't need any hippie baggage in my past.

Ben:
So what were you doing in that girl's house, then?

Michael:
I didn't go for illicit drugs; I went for illicit sex.

Ben:
[gasps] You *are* a Tory!

[last lines]

[Bex has destroyed the joint]

Michael:
You're really giving it up?

Bex:
Michael, Vickie's friend Julie's brother's mate was ripped off. It's not weed; it's a stupid mix of cinnamon twigs, crushed pepper, mustard seed, and oregano. No-one could possibly get high off that.

[Ben and Susan are lying on the floor]

Ben:
That's the best I ever had.

Susan:
I am completely wrecked.

Ben:
Mmm, me too. Ooh.

Susan:
I mean, we couldn't leave it lying around the house.

Ben:
Mmm. The things you do for your kids, eh.

Susan:
Do you smell cinnamon?

Ben Harper:
Hello, it's me.

Susan Harper:
Ben, you idiot.

Ben Harper:
You know, that phrase trips a little too easily off your tongue.

Susan Harper:
Practice makes perfect.

Ben Harper:
Oh my - what have you done?

Susan Harper:
I recorded last night's one man show.

Ben Harper:
[between clenched teeth] You taped me without my consent?

Susan Harper:
Think of it as CCTV gone wild.

Ben Harper:
Susan! That is a violation of the unwritten laws of marriage.

Susan Harper:
So is burping during sex, but you still do it.