My Name Is Earl

[repeated line]

Darnell Turner:
Hey, Earl!

Earl:
Hey, Crabman!

Joy:
Is his sister getting married? Is she? Cause if she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid I swear to God, I will march down to that Club Chubby and wrap her neck around that pole!

[Randy opens the door]

Earl:
Randy?

Randy:
No.

[Closes the door again]

[repeated line]

Joy:
Oh, snap!

Joy:
[to Darnell] When the bar closes let's do it on the pool table like Jodie Foster did in that porno.

[title sequence voiceover]

Earl:
You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things, and then wonders why his life sucks? Well... that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realised I had to change. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.

Randy:
I should be on that show where you have to remember the names of things. What's it called again?

Joy Turner:
[standing naked in front of Randy] Randy, do you know where babies come from?

Randy Hickey:
Yeah, the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

Darnell Turner:
What's your little man's name?

Ray-ray:
Oh, this right here is Mister Bearded Dragon. Yours?

Darnell Turner:
Mister Turtle. Call me if you're ever interested in setting up a play-date.

Ray-ray:
Oh, that'd be nice.

Earl Hickey:
He's awake now so I threw him in the bath with a bar of soap.

Randy:
What did he look like naked?

Earl Hickey:
Kinda like ET when they found him by the river.

Randy:
That poor little monkey, he just wanted to phone home.

Randy:
I might have locked him in there with the keys.

Earl Hickey:
That's all right, Randy. He won't get far. He doesn't know you're supposed to put your foot over the hole in the floor to keep the exhaust out.

Joy:
[trips over a painting of "The Last Supper"] Dammit! Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?

Darnell Turner:
Hey guys!

Earl Hickey, Randy Hickey, Catalina:
Hey Crabman!

Prosecutor:
The prosecution will show that the defendant was taking money in exchange for sex at the Rainbow Burger drive-thru.

Patty:
That's a lie! I wasn't taking money for sex, I was taking burgers for sex. And curly fries for a diddle and a pickle for a lookie.

Joy Turner:
You cheatin' son of a b*tch! You're supposed to say "Uno" when you only got one card left!

Earl Hickey:
I said "One"!

Joy Turner:
You're supposed to say "Uno"! It's a Mexican game!

Earl Hickey:
Joy, this is why the kids won't play Candyland with you anymore.

Darnell Turner:
[finding a hole in the wall behind a Last Supper picture] I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture. That's a relief... last week it was banging on the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. Guess it was just windy.

Joy Turner:
Oh, snap! Earl's drivers licence! I'm holding onto this for a rainy day.

Darnell Turner:
Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that. That woulda been cool, like you're an evil genius or something.

Joy Turner:
That would have been cool. [holds the licence up and shouts] I'm holding on to this for a rainy day!

Darnell Turner:
I think you need clouds to thunder.

Joy Turner:
[gasps] Look at that bird up there! How the hell do they stay up there like that?

[Earl and Randy are watching a drunk man attempting to plug a lightbulb attached to an electrical cord into a tree]

Randy:
I bet he's had twenty beers today. That's how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog.

Randy:
Uh... before, when you said different cavity, did you mean butt cavity?

Earl:
I'm afraid so, Randy.

Randy:
[shaking head] Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.

Gwen Waters:
Look, just forget about this okay. It's not your fault, you were just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Earl Hickey:
But that's the thing: I'm the straw. Without the straw, the camel wouldn't have a broken back.

Gwen Waters:
Yes, but if you remove the straw from the camel's back, that doesn't fix it. The camel is still dead.

[not knowing what to say, Earl pauses a bit to think]

Earl Hickey:
Camels can go forty days without water.

[to the judge after receiving a $500 fine]

Patty:
Any chance you want to take that $500 out in trade? I'll let you take a ride on the Patty wagon.

Earl Hickey:
[about two worms on the ground] Hey, that one looks kinda angry... maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.

Randy Hickey:
I don't think that'd work. If you cut me in half I wouldn't fight with my legs, I'd try to work with them and get us to a hospital.

Gwen's Dad:
[to Randy, who is helping him get dressed by attempting to pull up his pants] You pull 'em up, I'll poop 'em!

Randy:
Stupid Carson Daly.

Catalina:
You're going to a farm?

Earl:
Shh, I'm not telling Randy, he's afraid of chickens... and the Pope's big hat, but mainly because he thinks there's a chicken under it.

Earl:
[to Randy] Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!

Joy:
They are monsters Darnell! Those kids are monsters! They used my going-out lipstick to draw b*obs on the car headlights again!

Randy:
I'm sorry I burned down that barn, Earl.

Earl:
I know you are. It's ok.

Joy:
Oh my god. You two are a couple of fruits.

Darnell Turner:
I think it's sweet.

Joy:
Then why don't you all go and have a three way. Pack of fruitcakes. [walks to kitchen]

Randy:
I don't care what she thinks. [hugs Earl]

Earl:
I don't either, Randy.

Joy:
[offscreen] My god, I'm gonna vomit.

[as Catalina bandages Earl's hand after he accidentally drives a nail through it]

Catalina:
There you go. Now do it to the other hand - I want to take you to my church and see all the old ladies cry.

Catalina:
[in Spanish, appearing as if she were telling Joy off] I want to take this moment to thank our Latino audience for watching. And for those of you who can understand me but who are not Latino, I want to commend you for learning a second language.

Catalina:
It's okay. We all have fears. I fear snakes and rape.

Joy:
[after Catalina's Spanish tirade] Sorry, I don't speak maid.

Joy:
[to Dodge and Earl Jr] You know what, y'all don't stop fighting, I swear to god I'll slap you so hard, you'll both switch colors

Earl:
A simple misunderstanding gets a lot less simple once you add choppers and a S.W.A.T team. Those guys have bazookas.

Joy:
Oooh! Y'all, they got real cheese!

Randy Hickey:
I still can't believe you didn't call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favorite things: Toy guns and paint. Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list. Wait. Three things- I also like balls. Balls of paint. I like balls of paint.

Earl:
Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list. [Knocking]

Alby:
I wanna live with you.

Randy Hickey:
Wait. Three things- I also like balls. [Alby looks at him] Balls of paint. I like balls of paint.

Disease Control leader:
Earl, maybe you need to ask yourself if you have a gambling problem.

Earl Hickey:
Hmm, no, I don't have a gambling problem, I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. So why don't y'all pour some sugar on that?

[about what he needs to woo Catalina and tell her he loves her]

Randy Hickey:
I also need bubble wrap, she likes the sound it makes when it pops, because it reminds her of her childhood. You know, because of all the shooting.

Earl Hickey:
You want me to teach you how to be less gay so you can sleep with more men?

[Kenny nods]

Earl Hickey:
Okay.

Disease Control leader:
You have what is known as pathological impulse-control disorder.

Joy Turner:
Hot damn! Does this mean I can get crippled-people parking?

Darnell Turner:
[eating the Frosted Flakes that Joy took from Earl] Hey, Earl, thanks for the Flakes!

Earl Hickey:
No problem, Crabman!

Candy Stoker:
I wanna be a doctor some day.

Earl Hickey:
Candy, there are too many doctors in the world. And if I don't get that figurine, I have to buy my ex-wife a hot tub, and hot tubs cost a lot o' cake. So you need to listen to your mother.

Randy:
Earl, you gotta touch this, it's really hot.

Candy Stoker:
But mom, I want to be a doctor!

Shelly Stoker:
Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy!

Shelly Stoker:
I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville. I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years!

[Earl wakes up and finds Randy clipping his toenails]

Randy:
They are always jabbing me and it's easier to do this while you're sleeping.

Earl Hickey:
Thank God, I was starting to worry they weren't growing.

Randy Hickey:
You know the kind of guy who likes hanging out with his brother, watching cartoons and also likes to touch things with his tongue? Well, that's me. I'm also the kind of guy who likes hanging out with his brother and watching cartoons... oh wait, I already said that. I also hold the Camden County record for staring at the sun. My name is Randy.

Darnell Turner:
You know the kind of guy who graduated college at 14, is a virtuoso cellist, and can identify 254 varieties of cheese in a blind taste test, but can't reveal any of that because he's in the witness protection program? Well, that's me. Don't tell anyone I told you this. My name is... well, you just better call me Crabman.

Joy Turner:
You know the kind of woman who could've been the next Faith Hill, but somewhere along the way discovered peach daiquiri, put a diaphragm in on her own, and wound up smack dab in the middle of trailer hell raising two kids? Yep, she still manages to look hot and you can bounce a quarter off her butt cause you gotta take of yourself. I mean, come on. Anyway, that's me. My name is Joy.

Earl Hickey:
In Camden County, the library was also the museum, so you could actually learn stuff there instead of just reading books.

Dotty Lake:
You know the kind of woman who seems like the quiet librarian, but when she removes her pencil and lets her hair fall down, she looks all wild and sexy?

[sighs]

Dotty Lake:
I wish that was me. My name is Dotty.

Randy Hickey:
Man, I wish I had robot legs or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool with like a knife finger, a spoon finger, a fork finger, a toothbrush finger, a comb finger, a bottle opener finger, a flashlight finger, and a screwdriver finger, but regular thumbs. You've gotta have regular thumbs.

Earl Hickey:
True.

Randy Hickey:
Plus, if Dad was mayor, we'd get to wear top hats and sashes and judge beauty contests.

Earl Hickey:
That's Monopoly, Randy.

Randy Hickey:
Hey Earl.

Earl Hickey:
Hey Randy.

Randy Hickey:
If you could be any kind of animal in the whole world, what animal would you be?

Earl Hickey:
A dog. I think I'd be a dog.

Randy Hickey:
How come?

Earl Hickey:
'cause I like living inside and sitting on couches and most people let their dog live inside and sit on couches.

Randy Hickey:
How about a cat? People let their cat live inside and sit on couches.

Earl Hickey:
I'm allergic to cats. I wouldn't wanna go around and make myself sneeze.

Randy Hickey:
Yeah.

Earl Hickey:
Why? What kind of animal would you be if you could be any animal in the whole world?

Randy Hickey:
I was gonna say monkey but you make a good point about the couch.

Joy:
Come on Darnell, you can sign up too.

Darnell Turner:
I'm already registered to vote.

Joy:
What?

Darnell Turner:
Not that it matters. Cause until we reform the electoral college, the popular votes will be ignored and we'll keep electing presidents that only get a minority of the votes.

Joy:
That must be some black stuff, I don't know what he is talking about.

Rhonda Gibbs:
Filling in for Carl Hickey will be his son, Earl Hickey.

Carl Hickey:
[watching TV] No, no, no, no, no.

Earl:
My father is feeling a little under the weather.

Carl Hickey:
[watching TV] Don't embarrass me, don't embarrass me.

Rhonda Gibbs:
Nothing serious I hope.

Earl:
Er... diarrhea!

Joy Turner:
[finishing reading her story to her kids]... And they went back to their trailer and lived happily ever after. OK you two, clean up and go to bed, and remember, if you don't listen to what I say, God will kill you. [kids hurry out]

Darnell Turner:
While I disagree with your view of a conventional anthropomorphic God, I respect you using that myth to discipline them rascally boys.

Joy Turner:
I'm a creative van, Darnell. I mean think about all that stuff I yell at the movie screen and all those great Mad Libs I've done. The purple Christina Aguilera flew into...

Joy Turner, Darnell Turner:
...the horny Carol Burnett!

Randy Hickey:
I know what'll cheer you up, Joy! Writing a story. You should do it.

Joy Turner:
Here's a story: Once upon a time, Randy shut up. The end. It had a slow start but I liked the middle.

Joy Turner:
[after a ninja in Randy's super-hero story is unmasked and revealed as Joy] Go ahead, finish me off.

Randy Hickey:
I'd never hurt a lady.

Joy Turner:
[breathes a sigh of relief]

Randy Hickey:
[snapping her neck] Lucky for me, you're no lady.

Randy Hickey:
So Catalina, what are you doing for your mother for mother's day?

Catalina:
My mother is dead.

Randy Hickey:
Oh I'm sorry.

Catalina:
Eh, its okay. It was either her or me...

Patty:
[Starting a drag race] Alright, let's get this show on the road! I've got an appointment with a guy who likes to suck on my feet!

Earl:
I mean, my life would've been a lot better if I'd had that Mustang. I wouldn't have lost my virginity in a public bus.

Randy Hickey:
And I wouldn't have had to watch.

Carl Hickey:
You're putting a 1970 carburetor in a '65?

Earl:
It'll fit.

Carl Hickey:
Oh sure, it'll fit! That size four dress will fit your mother but I wouldn't take her out in it!

Billy Reed:
You scared? You better be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed! Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [holds up four fingers] Four.

Billy Reed:
You scared? Is that it growed up Earl? You're scared I'll take another car off you? Huh? You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [holds up five fingers] Five.

Earl:
I won ,Billy. The car's mine.

Billy Reed:
Fine, you get the car, but it was a close race; I still got my dignity.

Patty:
Hey Billy! Is it OK if I cancel your appointment to suck my feet? I'm just not feeling it anymore.

[A drunk Joy thinks she drove home fine]

Joy Turner:
I told you I could drive just fine.

Randy Hickey:
Oh I drove, you were steering with a paper plate in the passenger seat. But you did get a couple of turns right.

Earl Hickey:
Catalina, how much longer are you gonna be with that vacuum? It's making the TV scratchy.

Randy Hickey:
I don't know why people complain about his asbestos stuff. [inhales deeply] it doesn't smell so bad.

Darnell Turner:
That's a cool moped, Randy. It's like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle.

Earl Hickey:
[Randy crashed his moped] You all right?

Randy Hickey:
Yeah. Stupid pothole tripped me. [to pothole] Why don't you look where you're goin'!

Earl Hickey:
Randy, why don't you sit down for a minute?

Randy Hickey:
I am sittin'. [pause] Oh. [sits down] When did you grow a moustache?

Joy:
I don't know why you're having so much trouble. I mean they're all the time taking money from me. Just last week I paid twenty dollars for speeding in a school zone.

Randy Hickey:
Hey, you paid seventy-five for that Earl. How come you only paid twenty dollars?

Joy:
Cause I brushed my license against his nobby when I handed it to him.

Randy Hickey:
Hey, I know! You paint a big fake train tunnel on the rock outside of town. You get fined for that, plus maybe coyotes would run into it.

Darnell Turner:
Or roadrunners.

Randy Hickey:
That'd be funny.

Darnell Turner:
Beep! Beep!

Randy Hickey:
Yeah. Beep! Beep!

Darnell Turner:
Beep! Beep!

Randy Hickey:
Beep! Beep!

Randy Hickey:
I spy with my little eye....

Earl Hickey:
Is it the candy bar again?

Randy Hickey:
Yeah.

Randy Hickey:
There's no water in the water tower. Why don't they just call it a tower.

Joy Turner:
Sweet Jesus!

Earl Hickey:
I know! I'm Dodge's father!

Joy Turner:
That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.

Darnell Turner:
We've got another problem.

Earl Hickey:
What?

Darnell Turner:
These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those.

Joy Turner:
What does that mean?

Darnell Turner:
It means I'm not Earl Junior's father.

Joy Turner:
Now, everybody just calm down.

Earl:
I know what you're doing! You're fattening me up for Thanksgiving dinner! Well, no one is eating Earl J. Turkey! Gobble, gobble!

Earl:
Finding the prison blueprints was easy. The warden got lost so many times he had them laminated so that he could take them every time he needed to find the bathroom.

[Joy and Darnell enter the prison disguised as a priest and a nun]

Guard:
Where's Father Tadone?

Joy:
He called in sick.

Guard:
Where's Sister Bernadette?

Darnell:
She called in sick, too. We have our suspicions.

Earl:
I almost had an idea, but now I lost it!

Randy Hickey:
That happens to me all the time.

Earl Hickey:
[voice-over]... and like the butterfly, I too was trapped. But instead of a net, I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me.

Earl Hickey:
It was nice to see Natalie so happy, wasn't it?

Randy Hickey:
Yeah I'm glad she's not dead no more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, becuz we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

[Natalie knocks on Earl's door]

Earl Hickey:
Come in.

Natalie:
What's going on?

[Earl and Catalina are in bed under a blanket]

Earl Hickey:
Oh just blowing off a little steam, having a good time. Can't a guy have a party around here without getting hassled? Get off my back.

[Goes back under the covers]

Natalie:
You're right Earl. Sorry, for interrupting. Just have fun and call me when you're done.

[Earl is drinking a can of beer]

Earl Hickey:
Ahhh! Excuse me.

[stands up to relieve himself]

Natalie:
Honey, don't you think it would be better to relieve yourself a little further away from the blanket?

Earl Hickey:
Nah!

Earl Hickey:
Dirk?

Dirk:
Hey, Earl. Don't tell me your hooker works here too?

Earl Hickey:
You're supposed to be dead.

Dirk:
Yeah, I know. Thanks for the idea.

Dirk:
Hey Earl. Is there a condom machine around here?

Earl Hickey:
No Dirk.

Dirk:
[looks at maid trolley] Hey, what are these?

Catalina:
Shower caps.

Dirk:
That could work.

Natalie:
Hey Dirk. Still getting your mail. It's from the clinic. Somebody got themselves an STD.

Dirk:
I can deal with that.

Natalie:
Turn the page.

Dirk:
Aww crap... Damn shower caps.

Earl Hickey:
[narrating] She wanted me to do arts and crafts.

Natalie:
It's called paper mach?.

Earl Hickey:
[narrating] Somehow she figured out a way to make newspapers even more boring.

[Pierre has just punched Earl out]

Joy Turner:
I thought French people didn't like fighting.

Pierre:
[bitterly] Oh, ze World War Two joke, zat's fresh.

Catalina:
Earl.

Earl Hickey:
I'm giving breakfast to the French guy. Hey, can I borrow you master key to break into his room?

Catalina:
Anytime.

[trying to convince Pierre America is great]

Darnell Turner:
We got baseball, roller coasters, and a system of jurisprudence based on Jeffersonian Democracy and not the Napoleonic Code. That little dude was whack.

[trying to convince Pierre America is great]

Catalina:
America is the land of the free and the home of the slaves.

[trying to convince Pierre America is great]

Darnell Turner:
All the wars we've won. Revolutionary, Spanish-American, 1812...

Randy Hickey:
We won that war 18 to 12? That was a close one.

[trying to convince Pierre America is great]

Joy Turner:
How can you not like this country? It's got everything you want, except for a big ass fence on the border. We're working on that, too.

Pierre:
So, I am guessing that there is no 24 hour concierge?

Earl Hickey:
If concierge is a fancy word for hooker, they'll be around as soon as the methadone clinic closes.

[to Earl]

Randy Hickey:
I can't wait for you to give Willie the mailman your envelope, when he sees he's gotta go all the way to France he's gonna be pissed.

Frank:
Earl, buddy, it's good to see you. Listen, listen, you got to go find my girl, Billie. Just tell her that I'm not blowing her off, and that I love her, and that she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Earl. She's my angel.

Earl Hickey:
[Frank shows Earl his photo of Billie] Wow, you're, uh, *naked* angel ...

Frank:
Yeah.

Earl Hickey:
...with wings tattooed on her most private angel area.

Frank:
Yeah, those wings cost me a fortune. Plus, it was awkward. Her brother was the tattoo artist.

Earl Hickey:
Ah, that explains the "love your brother." I thought she was just trying to make the world a better place.

Catalina:
[to a very pregnant Joy] Your feet must hurt. They're so swollen, they look like hungry biscuits trying to swallow up your flip-flops.

Earl Hickey:
[Earl takes Frank's place on his conjugal visit] Uh, hey.

Billie:
Oh god, not again! I told Frank no more threesomes. No offense. I'm just afraid he'll finish too quick and I'll be stuck awkwardly doing a stranger.

Earl Hickey:
I'm Earl Hickey, a friend of Frank's. He got thrown in the hotbox, but he wanted me to tell you that he still loves you. And that you're his number one angel. Which is saying a lot, cause there's quite a few guys named Angel in here.

Billie:
He got thrown in the hotbox, *today* of all days. That son-of-a-b*tch! He doesn't love me.

Earl Hickey:
Come on, he loves you. He talks about you all the time. He's been faithful for at least seven years. Don't think he hasn't been tempted in here. One of those Angels is a pretty smooth talker.

Earl Hickey:
[voice-over] A few days later, me and Frank found out we were convict matches for two ladies who wrote to us and were coming to visit. Randy even hooked us up with a conjugal apartment.

Randy Hickey:
And I'm gonna give you guys twice as much time. But if anyone asks, just remember to say you each had sex with your own girl, then switched. Otherwise, I could get in trouble.

Earl Hickey:
[on his conjugal visit with a transsexual] I didn't really commit the crime, but I still feel like I deserve to be here because of karma. I know it sounds confusing.

Annie:
Heck, people have been calling me confused all my life. I'm not. That's why I'm going through with this whole surgery.

Earl Hickey:
"Hole surgery?" You'd think they'd have a fancier name for it.

Annie:
They do. It's called vaginoplasty.

Joy Turner:
How'm I gonna get that picture back from Catalina? I mean, I can't blackmail her. Everything she should be embarrassed about, people already know: she's a stripper, she's a maid, she's a foreigner. I'm just gonna have to kill her.

Darnell Turner:
You can't kill that woman.

Joy Turner:
Oh, yes I can! A poison cookie, just like I tried with Earl a couple years ago. I mean, I still know the recipe. It's just sugar, eggs, and poison.

Darnell Turner:
Why don't you just try being nice to her? People like it when you're nice to them. Remember five years ago at the pet store when you made that guy smile?

Randy Hickey:
She's here! Billie's here!

Earl Hickey:
Really?

Frank:
Thanks, Earl. Hey, I gotta get her some flowers. Do you think anybody would mind if I took some carnations off of Jose's memorial in the yard?

Frank:
If anyone cared about Jose, he'd still be alive.

Earl Hickey:
[about Frank] The guy can make wine out of shampoo. I'm not sure even Jesus can do that.

Randy Hickey:
Jose's dead? Oh man, I never got to tell him it was me who played that joke on him. I took the Skinheads' radio and I hid it in his bed.

Randy Hickey:
[looking at a sudoku puzzle] Do you know a three letter word that might have a 6 in it?

Janine:
I don't really need a new airplane, and Carol doesn't need a pool.

Carol:
Yeah, I'm drunk all the time and can't swim - probably not a good combination.

[to Earl]

Reggie:
Hey rookie, anyone ever teach you the right way to use a broom? You take the handle, put it at a 45 degree angle, lean it against a wall, then sit your ass down and eat some lunch.

Billy:
You know what they call us? Dockers. Because we work on the loading dock. You know what the ironic part is? They actually wear dockers. We wear dickies. Which, by the way, is what we call them. In a perfect world, we'd switch pants, but dockers doesn't make overalls.

Carl Hickey:
So, what's the father's name?

Joy Darville:
How should I know? You know how crazy concerts are.

Earl Hickey:
What are you going to do, spank me? I'm not seventeen anymore.

Carl Hickey:
I'm going to make you stick to something, and if that means smashing a few gerbils, well, then I'm smashing a few gerbils.

Randy:
[after a trailer near them blows up] People who *make* meth shouldn't *do* meth. It's always the second batch that blows up.

[Amazon trucker Sissy mounts comatose Earl and puts his hands on her breasts, not knowing she's being peeped on]

Sissy:
So where were we, lover?

Catalina:
Oh, snap!

Joy Turner:
[to Catalina] Oh, hell no. You are not gonna try to steal that.

Randy Hickey:
[breaks in] Get yo' b*obs off my brother!

Sissy:
Please don't take him from me. God left him to me on the front of my truck. He usually just leaves me bugs and birds. Anyway, you can't take him from me. We already exchanged vows.

[after comatose Earl's brother and friends save him from amazon trucker Sissy's bed]

Indian Doctor:
He's suffered serious head trauma and massive internal injuries.

Randy Hickey:
Well, at least they're internal.

Indian Doctor:
He also has severely bruised nipples. [Joy looks aside] We might not be able to save one of them. In addition, he has some palet shaped burns on the sides of his head. And let's see what else. His left buttock is filled with buckshot, his teeth are covered in bugs, and last but not least, we're not sure, but we think he might have had an involuntary orgasm.

Joy Turner:
Oh, my God, that crazy b*tch tried to constipate the marriage.

[after being asked to say something good about Earl's injuries]

Indian Doctor:
He has a fantastic mustache and, praise be to Ganesh, it was unharmed. Other than that, all we can do is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now, eh?

Catalina:
Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby.

Joy Turner:
Gonorrhea?

Joy Turner:
[while holding Earl's hand onto her b*obs] Squeeze, baby, you're a vegetable, not a fruit!

Joy Turner:
Lord love a duck, Darnell!

Joy:
I hope you get nut cancer, you son-of-a-b*tch.

Earl:
Nice. Do you kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?

Randy:
Hey, Earl, you wanna go write "Wash Me" on dirty cars? I already did ours.

Joy:
I'm sweatin' like a whore in church. No offense Carla.

Carla:
None taken, I don't go to church.

[Randy and Catalina are sitting on the motel bed discussing their choice of chicken hor d'oeuvres for Joy's Wedding]

Randy:
If I check McNuggeted, d'ya think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

Joy:
It's so hot in here I'm sweating like a whore in church; no offense, Patty.

Patty:
None taken; I don't go to church.

Catalina:
[Catalina has just found out that Earl wants her to dance - jump - to bail Joy out of jail] I will not jump for Joy!

Earl:
People don't like seeing their enemies. But they do like seeing their enemies behind bars.

Catalina:
[picks up phone] Nice jumpsuit.

Joy:
Ain't you sweet. Now Earl tells me that for some crazy reason, you think we're not friends!

Catalina:
The first time you saw me you called me a whore.

Joy:
No, you just misunderstood what I said. Which is understandable, I mean because you're Mexican.

Catalina:
I'm not Mexican.

Joy:
Whatever, you speak Mexican.

Catalina:
I speak Spanish.

Earl:
Well you both speak friendly, so let's just go with that.

Catalina:
Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me. And I know why you hate me. It's because I'm hot.

Joy:
Excuse me?

Earl:
[rubs eye] Damn it, there goes the eye again.

Catalina:
You're jealous of my hotness. Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison. But not the prison of your fat body, for that you have a life sentence.

Joy:
I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me.

Catalina:
Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-Section scar.

Joy:
That is NOT a C-Section scar! That's from when my prom date stabbed me! I had both my babies naturally!

Catalina:
Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts!

Joy:
[opens jumpsuit] Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies!

Catalina:
I've heard enough! This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time. And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo.

Joy:
My eyeballs are big? Yeah well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!

Earl:
[voiceover] Most mornings I'll wake up thinking about my list. But sometimes I have more important things on my mind. Like court.

Randy:
[looking at a walnut between his thumb and forefinger] I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer. I bet it explodes like a Death Star!

Earl:
You might be disappointed Randy. Like when you got that tow truck driver to drag your pumpkin.

Randy:
He drove off before I could get the wig on it!

Randy:
[in court] Should I ask him now, Earl? I saw a guy with back there with pistachios [sic] and I don't want him to go before me!

Earl:
Well I don't think he's here to get 'em cracked, Randy.

Chubby:
[on dry-cleaning TV commercial] You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals so why should you treat your clothes any differently? Cos if there's one thing your clothes can appreciate it's...

Chubby:
[changes to restaurant commercial] The taste of slow cookin' with the sloppiest sauce around! Now our meats are eased to perfection, so be sure to bring your kids down for...

Chubby:
[changes to strip club commercial] Lap dance madness every Tuesday... there's all kinds of fun going on at Club Chubby so come on down! And don't forget: sweat bands are allowed and truckers shower for free.

Chubby:
[smelling one of his female employees at Club Chubby before turning to Earl] You wanna smell it? Go on, smell it!

Earl:
[Earl sniffs] Nice! Vanilla.

Chubby:
Yeah.

[Randy tries to sniff but is restrained by Chubby, who clenches Randy's chin]

Chubby:
Not you!

Randy:
[through pursued lips] But I love vanilla! It's my third favourite flavour!

Chubby:
Alright. Just a whiff.

[Chubby drags Randy towards female employee by his chin then releases him]

Randy:
[satisfied] It smells like a cupcake with boobies.

Chubby:
[pulls a gun on Randy] Open up! This is a real classy joint. And I don't wanna ever hear boobies around here. Got that?

Randy:
[paralysed with fear] Uh-huh!

Chubby:
[shoots Randy, revealing the gun to be a water pistol full of alcohol] Vodka!

[Earl and Randy are working out how to convince Catalina to work for Chubby again so he'll pay Joy's bail]

Earl:
I don't know Randy, it's kind of a hard thing to ask a friend. Hey Catalina, you feel like working for a crazy man and shaking your half-naked body for a bunch of sweaty drunks to help a woman you can't stand get out of jail?

[Earl turns to Randy, who is daydreaming]

Randy:
I'm sorry Earl. After you said "Catalina half-naked" I didn't hear.

[Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine]

Catalina:
You're very good at this.

Randy:
I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking.

Catalina:
Oh, does your mother like to exercise?

Randy:
Let's not talk about my mom right now.

Doris:
[on prison visitor phone] Hey, my man's not here. You wanna chat?

Randy:
Okay. What are you in for?

Doris:
I killed my man.

Earl:
[voiceover] Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money.

Joy:
[at copy machine] Can we get some more green ink in this machine?

Kenny James:
[as copy shop employee] Is that... are you copying money?

Joy:
Ssssh! Don't say anything, I'll make it worth your while!

Kenny James:
[attempting to take counterfeit money from Joy] Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you...

Joy:
What are you doing?

Kenny James:
We have a policy. I signed a loyalty oath.

Joy:
Give me my fake money! That's my fake money!

Kenny James:
[shouting] COPY RESPONSIBLY, COPY RESPONSIBLY!

[Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine]

Dodge:
You're very good at this.

Randy:
I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking.

Dodge:
Oh, does your mother like to exercise?

Randy:
Let's not talk about my mom right now.

Joy:
[to Catalina over the prison visitors' phone] I'm made in America, not a maid in America.

Judge Miller:
Joy Turner?

Joy:
Yes, your highness?

Judge Miller:
Mrs. Turner, do you have an attorney today?

Joy:
Oh, I don't need one. Besides, I wasn't about to put my mouth anywhere near that pay phone after that meth head puked on it.

Judge Miller:
Very well. Bail is set at one million dollars.

Earl:
The computers talkin' to me, it called me Big Dog.

Joy:
It's not the computer talkin', It's somebody in the wide wide world of web.

[after Earl has insisted that he wants a traditional funeral]

Funeral Director:
[disappointed] A Box, you want a box. You want the Number Three Package, with the Blue suit, the Hillview Plad, Pachelbel's Canon in D on Organ, with the Stargazer Lillies, and a card with the Twenty-Third slam on it.

Earl:
Not the Cannon that Sounds a little Dangerous. Should I just go to Nathanville?

Funeral Director:
No, I'll do it. I need the money, I get sued a lot.

Joy:
[to the tune of 'Ding Dong the witch is dead'] Ding Dong my witness is dead, my witness is dead, my witness is dead.

Joy:
Why do you care so much about this guy anyway?

Earl:
'Cause he came to visit me last night in my dream.

Joy:
That's just your conscience, stupid. Ignore it. That's how I got through cheating on you all those years. Please, you know how many times I saw you standing on the hood of my car while I was humping Darnell.

Earl Hickey:
Every neighborhood, there's people that annoy everybody else by working odd hours. In the trailer park, those hours are 9 to 5.

Earl Hickey:
Randy, I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious.

Randy Hickey:
Why? Every day of my life revolves around you believing in karma. Plus, we always buy the kind of cereal you like.

Frank:
Oh whatever, I'm the only person in the room who really knows you. I mean, who was there when your aunt what's-her-name died.

Billie:
You mean my mom?

Frank:
Yeah, her.

Catalina:
[Catalina to Earl when he kisses the girl a person on his list is trying to get back together with] You're gonna hate yourself for this, and then when you go to Hallmark to make up for it, you won't find a card because it is too specific!

Earl Hickey:
[looking for escaped prisoner] Okay look, we have 46 hours, Frank couldn't have gotten that far. Where's the ice cream store?

Randy Hickey:
It's the one next to the train station and that costume store, near the bong shop where they make the fake IDs. We just have to look for a guy who could be dressed as anything and whose anywhere train might go.

Joy Turner:
Excuse me? Hey, last name's Turner, I need to see a doctor, pronto.

Nurse:
[on hospital intercom] Doctor Pronto to reception please, doctor Pronto!

[playing an IQ game]

Joy Turner:
I swear to God, I used to be able to do this drunk when I was little.

Earl Hickey:
I've decided to forgive you for cheating on me.

Joy Turner:
Good, 'cause I'd do it again.

[to the drugstore cashier]

Carl Hickey:
I would like a box of your largest condoms. Ripped for their pleasure. And by their pleasure, I mean yours.

[she punches him in the face]

Kay Hickey:
[Sitting in the bar with Randy] I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. He was never home. And when he was well, let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body. [Randy has panic in his eye] He's got two moves: Squeeze-the-Charmin and Poke-Around-Down-There like he's trying to pop a balloon. [Gesticulating to emphasize Carl's "moves"]

Randy Hickey:
[Looking very ill] Yeah that guy sure is bad at touchin' moms. Hey, I know what might make us feel better. [Desperately trying to change the subject] Not talking about this stuff.

Kay Hickey:
[Oblivious] I mean, what do I have to do? Draw him a map of my vagina?

Randy Hickey:
[On the word: vagina. Randy flings his beer bottle over his shoulder smashing it against the wall] Oops... [Looking ill] I'll go get us more drinks. [Rushes to the bar stage left]

Kay Hickey:
Ok. I'm gonna tinkle. [Completely oblivious to Randy's distress: Kay exits the scene, stage left]

Joy Turner:
[Randy sits down at bar beside Joy] Randy, you look stressed... what's the matter, Punkin'? Any words on the menu you're stuck on?

Randy Hickey:
[Cautiously checks for eavesdroppers] If I tell you, you promise not to say anything? [Joy is suddenly very interested]

Joy Turner:
[Slamming the bathroom door against the wall, Joy enters] Well! Well! Well! [Flash to terrified Kay on toilet] Fee! Fie! Fum! Fo! I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho.

Kay Hickey:
[Bending over to look under the stall wall] Oh! God!

Joy Turner:
[Rapidly] Who's the cheatin-piece-of-trash-stumpet-who-doesn't-deserve-to-have-the-same-last-name-as-you, now! That's right. I read your Christmas letters.

Kay Hickey:
[Pitifully pleading] Leave me alone!

Joy Turner:
[Camera angle is above the stall and looking down on Kay as Joy pokes her head under the stall to confide with Kay face-to-face] I'm just saying, we might have gotten along if we'd known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men.

Kay Hickey:
I am nothing like you! [Raises her right foot and slams her heel into Joy's face]

Joy Turner:
[Reeling in pain, Joy crumples on the bathroom floor] OW! Damn it! You got me whichyer heel!

Kay Hickey:
[Kay indignantly marches out of the stall as Joy winces in pain] Maybe I had one moment of weakness! But, You! You make cheating a lifestyle! I love my husband! He does the best he can! [Leaving Joy on the floor - Kay marches out]

Joy Turner:
[Camera pans up to the dirty bathroom mirror as the reflection of Joy's face wincing in pain slowly appears] Oh... [Lifting up her bangs reveals a bloody crescent shape in the center of her forehead] Great... [shouting] Darnell! Get me a rag! Somebody kicked me in the face in the baffroom again!

Carl Hickey:
[Turning toward Earl] Woa, ho, ho, there she is! If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options she is mistaken.

Earl Hickey:
Uh, once again, Dad, I gotta say I'm a little conflicted about this.

Brenda the Bank Teller:
Next!

Carl Hickey:
Hello Brenda! [Smiling with anticipation]

Brenda the Bank Teller:
[Flirting] Carl. I like your shirt!

Carl Hickey:
Well, according to you on numerous occasions this color brings out the BLUE in my eyes! [Flirting] [Turns around to wink at Earl]

Brenda the Bank Teller:
Makes 'em sparkle! [Both Brenda and Carl are chuckling as Carl turns back toward Brenda]

Brenda the Bank Teller:
What can I do for you today?

Carl Hickey:
[Stalling] Today... Today I'd like to open a separate account. One that will be separate from my wife. Perhaps one that I can use to pay for dinner two at Casa de Mason with somebody that likes blue eyes.

Earl Hickey:
[Looking at Earl another tell calls out: Next!] [Earl turns to the man behind him] Oh you, you, you can go on I'm just watching my dad trying to get laid.

Brenda the Bank Teller:
Look, uh, I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message. But I was just trying to be nice. It's just customer service.

Carl Hickey:
[pauses to hear the next teller flirt with another customer] So, just to be clear. Your not interested in having sexual relations with me?

Brenda the Bank Teller:
No.

Carl Hickey:
[Pausing] I'd like to close my account, please.

Earl Hickey:
[Earl Narrates] Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.

Diana:
Next!

Carl Hickey:
[Smiling] Hello, Diane!

Diana:
[Grinning Big] There's my Carl.

Carl Hickey:
[Placing both hands on counter] I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.

Diana:
[Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around] Ugh!

Carl Hickey:
[Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl] It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock.

Earl Hickey:
Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance.

Carl Hickey:
[Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.

Earl Hickey:
[Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.

Carl Hickey:
[Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.

Earl Hickey:
Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening! [Yelling after Carl in the parking lot]

Earl Hickey:
[Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty?

Patty:
Ha-Hey Earl!

Earl Hickey:
When did you start working here?

Patty:
Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush [Then President Bush] monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule.

Carl Hickey:
[Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter] [With a cocky jaunt of the head] I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.

Diana:
I thought you needed the largest kind we had. [Snarky]

Carl Hickey:
Just ring it up, pecker-tease...

Earl Hickey:
[Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...

Patty:
Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.

Carl Hickey:
[Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you! [Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy]

Patty:
Thank you! [Patty immediately turns the candy box over] Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this [Patty circles her mouth with her index finger] a peanut free zone. [Hands nuts back to Carl]

Earl Hickey:
Dad, Patty's a hooker.

Carl Hickey:
[In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.

Patty:
Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.

Carl Hickey:
Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!

Patty:
[as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...

Carl Hickey:
I'm not changing my mind! [Slamming car door]

Earl Hickey:
[Narrating] There were two things I could have sworn I would never see with my own eyes: A real bear carrying a picnic basket and my dad crying.

[Randy is temporarily blind]

Earl:
Sorry, Randy, but I've got my own problems to worry about! After dinner I'm gonna have to help you use the bathroom - literally!

Randy:
You don't have to hold anything, you just need to help me to the seat, I'll go like a girl.

Randy:
Do you think when I find my purpose I'll get some sort of sign? Like a glowing light? Not like an alien abduction or anything, but a Jesus light?

[Randy is temporarily blind]

Randy:
It's not fun being blind. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?

Glenn:
I'm gonna kill you, Earl. I'm gonna rip off your face and wear it to the Ugly Ball.

Earl Hickey:
That's scary and hurtful, Glenn.

Joy Turner:
[at the Crab Shack] For the love of God, pick something!

Randy Hickey:
I'm sorry, I usually just order what Earl gets.

Darnell Turner:
Well Randy, I talked to the prison and they said Earl was having duck a l'orange and caviar pie. I think the guy was being facetious, but we don't have it anyway so it doesn't matter.

Glenn:
I"m gonna rip off your ears, and shove them up your butt just so you can hear me kickin' your ass!

Randy:
I know I always make you say you love me before we go to sleep, but if someone's threatening to torture or even kill the thing you love, that's when you can keep it to yourself.

Randy:
All we have to do is open up the bomb, say "I hope this works", close our eyes and cut the blue wire. I seen it a million times on TV. It's easy.

[the bomb has nothing but blue wires]

Earl Hickey:
What do we do now, Randy?

Randy:
I think that we go to commercial.

Earl Hickey:
Darnell always told us his dad died in the American-Canadian War.

Earl Hickey:
So you were in the CIA or the FBI?

Thomas:
Even more secretive than that.

Randy:
Don't tell me - IRS? PBS? TCBY?

Thomas:
Actually, it was the...

Randy:
BYOB?

Thomas:
Son... you're getting on my last nerve.

Thomas:
Run out to Walgreens and get me a belated birthday card.

Soldier:
We're in Angola.

Joy:
Fictional characters are in books Darnell. MacGyver's on TV.

Randy Hickey:
Stand aside! I'm invincible! [Rams the cellar door] Ow! I'm vincible! I'm vincible!

Darnell Turner:
That was more than street smarts. That was street genius.

Joy:
Flavored Vodka is for sissies and pregnant women!

Earl Hickey:
Smoking weed kills your brain cells. Drinking only screws up your liver. You got two of those.

Joy:
Yeah, I don't understand weed. When you smoke you get the munchies and you get fat. When you drink you throw up and you get skinny. That's just physics.

Man:
I'll give you $1800 for it if it runs.

Earl:
It runs, just not right now. It's out of gas.

Man:
[pauses] I'll give you $1785 for it.

Randy:
Take it Earl! You know this car isn't worth more than $1500!

Man:
$1500.

Randy:
Take it Earl, we're desperate!

Man:
$1200.

Randy:
Hurry Earl, he's lowering his price for no reason

Catalina:
[in Spanish, appearing as if she were telling Joy off] Con esto concluimos nuestra primera temporada de Earl. Estamos muy agradecidos con su acompa?amiento y anticipamos verlos el pr?ximo oto?o. - This concludes our first season of Earl. We are very grateful for your support and look forward to seeing you next autumn.

Joy:
Blah, blah, blah.

Man:
[holding car for sale sign] I'll give you 1800 for it, if it runs.

Earl:
It runs, just not right now, it's outta gas.

Man:
I'll give you 1785 for it.

Randy:
Take it Earl, you know this car is not worth more than 1500.

Man:
1500.

Randy:
Take it Earl, we're desperate!

Man:
1200.

Randy:
Hurry Earl, he's lowering his price for no reason!

Earl:
It's amazing how humiliated you can feel, dressed as a hamburger being poked by a balloon.

Randy Hickey:
[Finishes a connect the dots hamburger] It's a hamburger!

Randy Hickey:
What a jerk! You should report that guy to the manager.

Earl Hickey:
He is the manager.

Randy Hickey:
Oh. Then he already knows.

Tatiana:
No kiss on lips!

Earl:
[after stealing a cop car] Who's got a cop car, bi-otch?

Earl:
Since when do you like rap music?

Joy:
I'm not cheatin' on you!

Joy:
[impersonating a cop] If you fail the sobriety test, we will shoot you in the face.

Randy:
[trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call?

Randy:
[trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna say?

Timothy Stack:
Good evening, my good man. Do you know who I am?

Officer Stuart Daniels:
Of course I do, Mr. Stack.

Timothy Stack:
I'm TV's Tim Stack, from movies and basic cable television. 62 items on my IMDb page. 62. But they screwed me. They counted my Quincy two-parter as one thing.

Joy:
I love you so much baby. I am gonna [beep] your [beep] [beep] with my sweet sweet sweet love [beep] [beep] [beep] [beeeeeeeeeep].

Earl:
Sssh. You had me at balls.

Earl:
[after falling down with his pants around his ankles] I skinned my pecker!

Joy:
Oh, man! Not more cops? If this keeps happening, I'm going Ruby Ridge.

[Patty has her hand inside a soda machine]

Officer Bobbi Bowman:
Are you stuck again Patty?

Patty:
No. I'm just trying to get my hand cold for a client who's into dead people.

Officer Bobbi Bowman:
[noticing the marijuana plants in Grandma Turner's apartment] Ma'am, whose room is this?

Darnell's Grandmother:
Oh, those are my grandson's; he has such a green thumb. Why, people call him all night long to ask for advice on growing things. [Darnell walks into the room] Why there's my grandson now! Hey peanut, I was just showing this nice officer your plants.

Officer Bobbi Bowman:
[Darnell grabs two plants and jumps out of the window] Hey, come back here! Dammit!

Earl:
[Earl and Joy are riding in a stolen police car when Joy pulls over a young woman] Wait, that's my ex girlfriend. I can't let her see me; she thinks I'm dead.

Joy:
Oh, hell yes; this is going to be fun. [using the loudspeaker] The driver will get out of the car. Ok, slut, put your hands on the fender and spread your legs. I'm sure that won't be difficult for you.

Natalie Duckworth:
I'm not a slut! I only slept with one man!

Earl:
[Looking into the 'COPS' camera and grinning] That was me; yeah, I hit that.

Joy:
[brandishing a weed whacker at Earl] *You* gotta do something! Like provide for me! I am the queen, you are the worker bee! Your job is to feed me, do me, and die!

Stuart:
You have to watch out for those Hickey boys. The big one's an idiot and the other one's wife is always after him to steal stuff. We have a dossier down at the station.

Darnell Turner:
I can't deal with my grandmother when she has a hot iron in her hand and Jesus in her ear.

Catalina:
[Officer Bowman is investigating a complaint at Club Chubby] It's bad enough we don't have any customers because it's a holiday and everyone is home with their stupid families, but now this drunk guy has taken over the stage and won't let us dance.

TV's Tim Stack:
[singing] Ducks and chicks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in my surrey, when I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top!

Officer Bobbi Bowman:
[Looking at the COPS camera] Ooh, we're lucky; it's 'Oklahoma'. Usually when Mr. Stack takes over the stage he sings 'My Fair Lady'.

Darnell Turner:
Stay close, but not too close remembering I'm naked and whatnot.

Officer Hoyne:
I read the manual on how to profile possible terrorists, but it was really confusing so I got this from the hardware store.

[holds up wood samples]

Officer Hoyne:
I'm questioning anybody that falls between Swiss almond and coconut husk.

Earl:
[introducing himself] You know that guy you see going into the convenience store when you stop off at that little town on the way to grandma's house? A sort of shifty looking fella who buys a pack of smokes, a couple of lotto scratchers and a tall boy at ten in the morning? The kind of guy you wait for to come out before you and your family go in? Well, that guy is me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotyping me because of the way I look, well, you'd be wasting your time, because I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that isn't nailed down.

Randy:
What's karma?

Earl:
I don't know, it's something Carson Daly came up with.

Earl:
[voice-over] You've probably askin' yourself why I decided to stay with my two-timin' wife and our two terrible kids that ain't mine. But, the way I figure, a lotta folks probably ask her why she hasn't left her good-for-nothin' husband and his brother who sleeps on her couch.

Randy:
Earl, I think you're trying to sell a cat to a guy who fancies dogs.

Earl:
If you snatch enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace.

Patty:
I tried, Earl. I did! Towards the end I even pulled out my good boob!

Earl:
Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your mama parks your house!

Earl:
Kenny, you just gave up your chance to have sex with a day-time hooker! You need my help!

Randy:
Number 23: Peed in the back of a cop car.

Earl:
I'm no longer proud of that.

[Referring to music playing in the background]

Randy:
Oh no you didn't. You didn't just go Old School!

Joy:
I want half that lotto money, Earl.

Earl:
Yeah? Well, I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgiving, but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it?

Catalina:
Who is this Carson Daly? Is he some sort of spiritual leader? A holy man?

Randy:
You've never seen TRL? You've got to start putting on some of these TVs when you're cleaning the toilets.

Earl:
Don't they have special bars for the queers - I'm sorry, homosexual Americans?

Joy:
Earl! Your brother shaved the damn cat again!

Earl:
I got a weird feeling in my stomach.

Randy:
Maybe you got stomach cancer. Can karma cause stomach cancer?

Earl:
I didn't want to be the only non-gay there. Luckily, Randy agreed to go once he found out there were going to be bubbles.

Earl:
I understand now that the runnin' probably wasn't necessary.

Earl:
[voice-over] You might think that getting so drunk that you accidentally marry a women who's six months pregnant is a good reason to stop drinkin'. Personally, I think it's a good reason to keep drinkin'.

Earl:
[voiceover] Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can last three days, you'll be fine. Me and Donny's mom tried everything. We listened to the tapes, then we tried the patches, then we heard somewhere to try carrot sticks. We tried it, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

[after finding Earl's video will]

Joy:
Darnell, run down to the Video Hut and rent me a VCR!

Gun Store Owner:
There's a three-day ID check on all guns.

Joy:
Land of the free, my ass - what can I bring outta here today that done kill somebody?

Gun Store Owner:
Anything in aisle seven.

Donny Jones:
If you'll excuse me, I've got to help a prayer buddy in the garage. When he showed up I thought he was speaking in tongues, but turns out he was just back on the stuff.

Earl:
So you're all churched up now, huh. Good for you. Giving up all that hurting people.

Donny Jones:
Turn the other cheek now.

Earl:
And you got a tattoo of the Red Sea to prove it.

Donny Jones:
Wanna see it now. [he goes to pull down his pants]

Earl:
No, I'm still gonna pass on that.

Earl:
Why are we stopping?

Randy:
I think we got a flat in the back.

Catalina:
Yea, I heard it too.

Earl:
Damnit! I just got those tires five years ago.

Earl:
[voiceover] Joy knew that video is the only thing close to a will I have, and normally she's not violent, but money makes people crazy.

[Joy is watching a video of her and Earl recorded a few years ago whilst they were both drunk]

Joy:
Next time you steal a camera Earl, make sure the thing works.

Earl:
I think I got it on.

Joy:
I love you Earl.

Earl:
I love that you love me.

Catalina:
When someone is scared of something you need a friend to push them to overcome their fears.

Randy:
You know, like throwing someone in the ocean whose afraid of swimming or putting a snake in a young girl's bed.

Earl:
I'm not doing Donny Jones.

Catalina:
Why not?

Earl:
I just don't want to okay. Besides, I don't even know where he lives.

Randy:
They have big yellow books where you can find that stuff out Earl.

Earl:
I was gonna focus on quitting smoking. But it turns out quitting smoking is stressful. And when I'm stressed-out, I smoke.

Earl:
Those are poisoned.

Randy:
How poisoned?

Catalina:
This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.

Randy:
How many have you seen?

Catalina:
Five or so.

Earl Hickey:
Where's my car, Joy?

Joy:
Oh, I had it towed.

Earl Hickey:
Towed?

Joy:
Yeah. Maybe if you gave me some of that lotto money, I'd back off!

Earl Hickey:
[voiceover] It was at that moment I realized Joy had no idea that the money was in the car.

Randy Hickey:
Hey, Earl! Joy had no idea all your lotto money was in the car!

Earl Hickey:
How was your first day of school?

Randy Hickey:
Great! I really enjoyed science class. Did you know that before we were humans we were monkeys?

Earl Hickey:
Really? What were we before monkeys?

Randy Hickey:
I don't know. I can't even remember being a monkey.

Fake Father:
[using voicebox] I travel a lot for work.

Fake Father:
[using voicebox] Hold 'em back! Hold 'em back! Hold 'em *way* back!

Randy Hickey:
Sir, can I have this magazine? One of the cheerleaders was out sick today and we're gonna decorate her locker.

Earl Hickey:
[to Randy] If we don't figure out a way to break into that impound yard and get my money, we're gonna have to eat that potato.

Earl:
No I am. I'm happy, I'm happy I got the money back, but I did it again. I forced him to give up his touchdown. I can't cross it off my list.

Randy:
Earl you didn't make me do this. I did it because you're my brother and I wanted to. I can make my own decisions, I'm not an idiot.

Earl:
But don't you wanna know what it feels like to score a touchdown?

Randy:
I'm pretty sure it's the same feeling I got when I drove up and saw the smile on your face.

Earl:
Karma. You gotta love it!

Joy:
Karma this, you dummy!

Woody:
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had gonorrhea.

Randy Hickey:
I need real TV! I need real food!

Earl Hickey:
You have to excuse my brother Randy. When he hasn't had TV or food, he gets this angry, dizzy Hulk thing going. That's the angry part. [Randy faints] And that's the dizzy part.

Randy Hickey:
These hippies are crazy, Earl. They don't believe in plastic. That's crazy! I know plastic exists! I've seen it!

Joy Turner:
Hey, Lance Armstrong! Don't you know riding bicycles gives you nut cancer?

Earl Hickey:
I went through the checklist Woody gave me and got some things. Fluorescent bulbs that use less electricity. Reusable hemp bags for shopping. And look: shampoo that's not tested on animals. I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair but - if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make.

Earl Hickey:
You guys make your own wine? I tried to make tequila once, but I didn't know what was in it besides worms. Pretty gross. It still got me drunk though.

Earl Hickey:
You guys can make your own shirts?

Woody:
We make a lot of our own clothes on this loom.

Earl Hickey:
Fruit of the loom. It all makes sense now.

Philo:
I gotta go tinkle.

Randy:
Tinkle! That's so stupid. I wonder what he uses for "going ploppies."

[a man is lying in the middle of the road with a carpet over his head and a truck approaches] [Earl tries to stop him from killing himself]

Randy:
It's fine Earl! The carpet will protect him.

Randy:
Can we take another break? I'm having trouble getting air into my mouth and down into my stomach.

Earl:
[voice over] [siphoning gas] The first time we did it, we used garbage bags. Then we found out that gas eats through garbage bags.

Randy:
Are you gonna start helping people who aren't on your list? Cause if you do, we'll never finish it and get back to stealing again.

Earl:
You don't really understand my list, do you, Randy?

Earl:
[to Joy] Oh, and I hear you're wearing underwear again. Good for you.

Joy:
Hey dummy.

Randy, Earl:
Hey.

Salesman:
And we have a large selection of books on tape.

Earl:
What, you mean like, sticky?

Salesman:
Cassette tape. It's a book but the author reads it to you on tape. Book on tape.

Earl:
Wow. it doesn't get any more futuristic than that, huh?

Salesman:
Ah, well actually it does, you can download the book directly onto your iPod now.

Earl:
iPod huh. That some sort of space capsule or something?

Catalina:
Excuse me, I'm hot!

Philo:
No, you're okay but compared to my girl you're like one of those things from Lord Of The Rings that crawled out of the ground and attacked the castle.

Catalina:
This uniform isn't flattering. You should see me in jeans and a bra.

Randy:
Ewoks. Those are called Ewoks.

Joy:
Darnell, you better be looking at my b*obs when I'm talking about them.

Joy:
You that weird guy that likes to watch me take my underwear off my clothesline?

Philo:
One of them, yes, ma'am.

Darnell Turner:
[after Joy has continually been unusually nice] Joy, I need the old you back! I'm yin, you're yang. Yin's nice, yang's a b*tch! This house doesn't work without yang!

Dr Rudin:
So, Earl, Randy, it says here that I haven't seen you boys since you were ten.

Earl Hickey:
Well, you know, you get busy. I haven't been seeing another doctor, if that's what you're worried about.

[to the stewardess]

Earl Hickey:
Um, excuse me, ma'm. You just said my seat may be used as a flotation device. Is that maybe as in "can be" or maybe like, "maybe yours will or maybe yours won't", 'cause I didn't ask for a floating seat, I would have but that wasn't one of the choices.

Joy Turner:
[Getting ready to meet her lawyer] I'll bend over, you tell me if you can see my thong.

Darnell Turner:
What thong?

Joy Turner:
Perfect. Here, put these socks down your pants in case he's gay.

Earl Hickey:
These hamburgers are great.

William:
Thanks. It's Black Angus.

Randy Hickey:
I don't think I can eat it now that I know the cow's name.

Earl Hickey:
Nice house you've got here. No plastic. The wood is made of real wood.

Joy Turner:
[reading Busted: Now What?, a Guide for Dummies-type book] I need a Dummies' guide for the Dummies' guide. Half this stuff looks like it's written in Latin. I can't even understand the damn cartoons!

Catalina:
What is a county fair?

Randy:
It's like Disneyland for poor people.

Randy:
Last year they had the world's tallest midget, he was as tall as you Earl, remember?

Earl:
I think that might have been a scam, Randy

Randy:
I don't know Earl, that was one tall midget.

Earl:
Don't worry. I'll find your dog. But, that's it right? Then your life is exactly back to the way it was seven months ago? We're done?

Scott:
Yes. I think that should put everything back to normal.

Earl:
Good.

Scott:
Unless...

[to Tess]

Scott:
You didn't have sex with anyone else while we were broken up, did you?

Tess:
I used my hand on a guy a little.

Earl:
Yeah, I'm not sure how to un-ring that bell.

Randy:
You takin' Pops' hot dogs outta Camden County is like taking chicken out of Syracuse.

Earl:
It's Buffalo, Randy.

Randy:
No, I'm pretty sure it's chicken, Earl.

Joy:
Yeah, it's chicken. Spicy chicken!

Earl:
Mr. Covington?

Mr. Covington:
Mr. Covington is my father's name, you can call me Sir

Joy:
What are you doin' towing a car with an American flag on it? Are you part Taliban?

Darnell Turner:
Hey, Rodney, you're not a cop. Cops don't sell fake watches out of their truck.

Joy:
[looks at her watch] Dammit! I thought that said Cucci!

Joy:
I can't believe this. That grunt Rodney just got into my car and licked my steering wheel. How the hell am I supposed to get home now?

Earl:
You know the kinda guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realized I had to change. So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.

Earl Hickey:
This should be a lesson about trying to kill people when you're over sixty.

Joy:
Hey, Ralph! How was prison?

Ralph:
About a five...

Ralph:
[having just come out of prison] It's nice to hug another man and it doesn't have to go anywhere.

Randy:
[Earl and Randy are tied up in their hotel room] Hey! Maybe if you call Karma it'll come and save us. Call it!

Earl:
Randy, it doesn' work like that. It's Karma, not Lassie.

Joy:
Earl, I don't care if she's Vietnamese, Chinese, or Chuck E. Cheese. She can't be learnin' English!

Randy:
[Earl's ESL students show up] Look Earl! It's karma's army! Made up of people from all the lands of all the worlds!

Nescobar-a-Lop-Lop:
Seacrest, out.

Earl:
Clean your Randy for you, mum?

[to client]

Joy:
Now, did you want me to paint the zodiac signs on your nails? I mean there's twelve, but, I can paint the extra two on your big toes.

[to an Indian storekeeper]

Ralph:
Nothing for me Tonto.

Earl:
Sorry about that. He's been in prison, he doesn't know you're supposed to say Native American.

Earl:
Randy was not stuck in a chimney, which is good, because it means he learned his lesson from the last two times.

Earl:
I had a classroom full of non-Americans eager to not understand a word I said.

Randy:
You wanna play a game of Madlibs?

Joy:
Here's one, shut the blank up!

Randy:
Shut the BUTT up! Do another one!

Earl:
[Looking for Jesse] Hey Crabman.

Darnell Turner:
Hey Earl.

Earl:
Where is she?

Darnell Turner:
She's in the bedroom, tearin' things up lookin' for clues and whatnot. I'm totally freakin' out. Can you tell?

Earl:
Not Really.

Darnell Turner:
I had a little cocktail.

Darnell Turner:
[sitting on the couch, watching "Wonderbug" on television] I like that Wonderbug. I wish we had a car that flew.

Joy:
I wish we had a car that didn't have to start with a spoon.

Joy Turner:
Why are you touching me? Where's that female guard who looks like the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers?

Randy Hickey:
She's sick today so they said I get to frisk all the women, 'cause if someone sues, I got the least stuff to lose. [slowly moves on to her chest, then suddenly squeezes her large breasts]

Joy Turner:
Randy!

Warden:
I'll level with you, I have a fraternity reunion coming up and if I'm not employed, Slimecracker and Man-B*obs are gonna tease the crap outta me!

Joy Turner:
You don't get sent to prison for slapping a cop. And even if you did, you know what the odds are that you even get sent to the same prison as Earl?

Randy Hickey:
Seven?

Joy Turner:
Seven what?

Randy Hickey:
Seven get sent to prisons.

Joy Turner:
That doesn't even make sense.

Randy Hickey:
Twelve?

Earl Hickey:
I still can't see why we can't have our own nail clippers.

Guard:
Me neither. Although this one guy used them to saw off another guy's arm. Took three and a half weeks.

Darnell Turner:
This job is too dangerous for him. His reaction time is too slow. Watch this. Randy, I'm going to slap you. [slowly moves his hand to Randy's face, then slaps him]

Randy Hickey:
Ow!

Darnell Turner:
It's like a snake in winter.

Earl Hickey:
So you have your gangs fight each other just so you can be together?

Hector:
That, and they really like fighting.

Randy Hickey:
I think I'd like to play the race card. How do you play that?

Earl Hickey:
Randy, I want you to look at Joy and find one nice thing to say about her. Go on.

Randy Hickey:
Well, I suppose she does have a nice rack.

Joy Turner:
[pleased] Was that so hard?

Earl Hickey:
[voice over] This wasn't the first time a woman kicked me in the cherries and called me a rat but it was the first time I didn't mind.

Earl Hickey:
[voice over] Blinded by a beautiful woman wearing shoes that made her calves pop out real nice.

Earl Hickey:
[Alex admires Earl's outfit for a cocktail party] Thanks. I borrowed it from a frat brother, which is why the pants smell like bong water.

Randy Hickey:
[Regarding the laptop screensaver] Make that fish thingy come back!

Randy Hickey:
[At Frat party] I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.

Earl Hickey:
It tastes the same.

Randy Hickey:
Yeah, but it goes to your brain before it goes to your livers.

Earl Hickey:
We're staying!

Randy Hickey:
Yes!

Earl Hickey:
Karma can do whatever it wants to me, I can take it. Alex is worth it. [gets hit in the arm with a dart]

Earl:
[on having to leave their hotel room] Yeah, we did have some good times here. The gas leak was scary, though.

Randy:
It wasn't that bad. We slept through most of it.

Randy:
[breaking into Ruby's apartment by kicking the door in while she sleeps] Woo-hoo! Robbing the deaf!

Ruby Whitlow:
[does not want to hear Earl's explanations and covers her eyes with her hand] I'm not listening!

Earl:
Next, I went to visit Joy's minister. I figured it would help to have a man of God as a character witness.

Reverend:
The last time Joy was in church, she showed up in a denim bikini. When I told her it was inappropriate, she said 'What? You think Jesus wouldn't want some of this?'

Earl:
I'll put you down as a 'No' then.

Joy:
You need to kill little Chubby... slowly.

Earl:
Are you crazy ? I'm not messing with that psycho!

Joy:
Well then, you should have married a whore who doesn't mind being disrespected by a man instead of a real lady like ME!

Earl:
That explains why he rented Memoirs of a Geisha. Man, that was the worst kung fu movie ever!

Catalina:
Men don't like it when other men sleep with their mothers. It is why my brother killed my father.

[voice over, about why he had sex with Ralph's mother]

Earl Hickey:
And there she was. She wasn't young, but she was conscious... And besides, she made us Rice Krispy squares.

Joy:
British people don't steal trucks! They drink tea and live in castles!

Jasper:
Same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair, they make mistakes!

Tatiana:
It was not mistake.

Jasper:
Yeah well you better pray I find that ear lobe.

Tatiana:
He won't mind. Jasper is too much sissie to be a real criminal, this is why we live in cement closet. Bring me to this truck and I will buy with my own money I steal from Jasper.

Joy:
I like you. If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face we could hang out.

Tatiana:
Something is specious, you are police I know it.

Joy:
Oh calm down I've just got to pick up the truck keys. So jumpy all of a sudden.

Tatiana:
I just don't like surprises.

Everyone:
Surprise!

Tatiana:
Ah!

[at the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]

Earl:
[voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.

Joy:
Twelve ball, side pocket.

[Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]

Joy:
Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.

Earl:
It was an accident, Joy... [leers at opponent's chest] I think they're real.

Joy:
[angered] Oh, so you're on *her* side?

[Joy has stolen a truck from the Bargain Bag store because they wouldn't refund her $3000]

Earl:
[horrified] Stole a truck?

Joy:
[adamant] Because they wouldn't give me my money back! It was a crime of principal like when Rosa Parks stole that bus!

Earl:
They wouldn't even give you a store credit?

Joy:
No.

Earl:
That doesn't seem fair.

Joy:
Thank you! Which is why you have to help me sell the truck.

Earl:
Sell the truck... Joy, that's against the law.

Joy:
Earl, this is not about the law. It's about right and wrong, and isn't that what your list is about, rights and wrongs? Doing unto others all that Robin Hood/Batman/Jesus stuff?

Earl:
Well you got a good point. The store DID do you wrong. I don't know if Jesus or Batman would sell a truck, but Robin Hood might. Okay, I'll do it. But you're not getting a penny more than three thousand dollars.

Joy:
Of course not! That would be wrong...

Joy:
[about Randy] Hey; at least he's thinking! It's not his fault he's bad at it.

[Earl and Randy are in bed]

Earl:
Randy, do you think it's my fault joy went to jail? Randy?

Randy:
I'm tryin' to sleep Earl; can't this wait 'til morning?

Earl:
You woke me up last night to ask if monkeys ever worry about their looks.

Randy:
Oh yeah, sorry. Do you think they do?

Earl:
I already told you; if they worried about their looks they'd wear pants.

Earl:
'Night Randy.

Randy:
'Night Earl.

[At the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]

Earl:
[voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.

Joy:
Twelve ball, side pocket.

[Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]

Joy:
Okay: do it again, and I'm gonna pop those boobie implants of yours, make you fly around this bar like a loose balloon.

Earl:
It was an accident, Joy... [leers at opponent's chest] I think they're real.

Joy:
[angered] Oh, so you're on HER side?

Jasper:
[Looking at the picture of the Bargain Bag truck Joy stole] Not going to buy it.

Joy:
Why not?

Jasper:
Because I can't sell it.

Joy:
What! You once tried to sell an Iranian baby on the Internet.

Jasper:
Yeah, but he didn't have 'Iranian Baby' tattooed on his forehead.

Joy:
Please; like they wouldn't find out he was Iranian when he started talking.

Jasper:
Besides, you're an amateur and I don't buy from amateurs for the same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair [staring at Natalia] , because they make mistakes.

Natalia:
It was not mistake.

Jasper:
Well, you just better hope I find that earlobe.

Earl Hickey:
[Narrating] Cheerleading camp was gonna be harder than I thought, and so was changing Dodge's mind.

Joy Turner:
[Talking to her son, Dodge] Blonde hair and blue eyes is rare, so it's considered a treasure of the human race. That's what World War II is about. Why do you think the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Jealous!

[Dodge waves and smiles at Catalina, who waves and smiles back]

Joy Turner:
Oh, come on! You just like her because she's the same color as pancakes!

Joy Turner:
You boys finish up your homework! Don't too good at it, mama needs that summer school for free daycare.

Darnell:
[spending Christmas in a nativity scene so Joy's parents don't find out that she and Earl are divorced] It's cold out there in that manger - I don't know how Jesus did it.

Randy:
But Catalina, winning this car for Joy is my Christmas present to Earl. This is for family - at Christmas. You know - Feliz Naviblah.

Catalina:
[shaking her head side-to-side] That means nothing.

Randy:
To you, maybe. But to an American it means Christmas in Mexican.

Connie Darville:
[Repeated line] Don't you judge me!

Joy:
[Darnell enters the room] Oh, my God, it's a negro, we're being robbed.

Earl Hickey:
If you're gonna fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.

Earl:
[slurring] We should go on a beer run. Are we okay to drive?

Randy:
I know a good way to find out. If I can steer that remote control car around the living room without crashing, then we're okay.

Earl:
Randy, that's a cat.

Randy:
We shouldn't drive.

[cut to Earl and Randy swerving back and forth on bicycles that were intended as Christmas presents for Joy's kids]

Earl:
[voiceover] That's when I realised we might be too drunk to drive, but, we weren't too drunk to pedal. Although I learned a valuable lesson that night: if you're gonna try to fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.

Joy:
You know how traditional my parents are! If they found out I got divorced and got married to a black man, they'd crap in a sock!

Randy:
[to man trying to walk between him and Earl] You can't come between us... we're Chinese twins.

[Christmas 2002]

Joy:
[opens her present, batteries] What are these for?

Earl Hickey:
Whatever you want baby.

[Christmas 2003]

Joy:
[opens her present, condoms] How are these for me?

Earl Hickey:
They're flavored. Merry Christmas.

[Christmas 2004]

Joy:
[opens her present, car keys] Oh my God! Oh my God! Wait, these are my keys.

Earl Hickey:
I know, I found them.

Joy:
[going to bed while Earl and Randy drink beer and watch cartoons] There better be some beers left over for Christmas morning!

Randy Hickey:
[a chess set] Cool! It's one of them checker sets but for smart people and gays.

Earl Hickey:
Hey Donny, what can I trade you for a TV?

Donny Jones:
Give me your wife.

Earl Hickey:
I'm not giving you my wife. Pick a snack food.

Donny Jones:
Marshmallow fluff... smeared on your wife.

Earl Hickey:
Donny...

Donny Jones:
Okay. I'll give you a TV. But you gotta owe me one favor. And I get to ask for that favor anytime I want, and you can't say no, and you can't ask what the favor is gonna be.

Earl Hickey:
Is the favor giving you my wife?

Donny Jones:
Yup.

Earl Hickey:
Forget it.

Joy:
[opening a stolen Christmas gift] If this is another damn thesaurus, I'm gonna track down those dumb, stupid... dumb people... and teach them how to buy a proper gift.

Earl Hickey:
Randy, I told you: No robot dogs. We can only afford the things we need to survive.

Randy Hickey:
But I already filled out the adoption papers.

Earl:
Out of your bunk, hands off junk.

Phyllo:
"You're okay, but compared to my girl you look like one of those things from Lord Of The Rings that came out of the ground and attacked the Castle." Randy: "Ewoks, those are called Ewoks."